Season 5, Episode 5: High Noon Hijinks

Episode 5: High Noon Hijinks

Returning from his self-imposed exile, Brigham Young went to see Mayor Hop Hop. Surprised to see him, Hop Hop explained that he had made a deal with Will McGotnuthin to banish Brigham from Little One Point.

BRIGHAM: “You’re wrong about Will McGotnuthin!”
HOP HOP: “I didn’t think I have opinion one way or the other!”

Brigham informed Hop Hop about Will’s criminal past as a member of a gang that drew people in by announcing Shakespeare festivals, then robbing the audience. Uncertain about which one to trust, Hop Hop put Brigham to the “fortune cookie test.” Brigham’s fortune read “Be direct. Usually one can accomplish much.”

Constance Snell and her unofficially adopted daughter Shirlene were putting away groceries when Shirlene started crying. Shirlene told Constance that a drunken Hop Hop had come to the saloon and started slapping her around. Constance swore to protect her.

Former sheriff Madeline Clementine paid a visit to the jail, where she discovered the new sheriff, Sam the Horse, behind bars. Sam explained that Roswell Diabolicus had tricked him into getting locked up, and Madeline got the keys to release him. Much to her chagrin, Sam then put HER in the cell, apologetically explaining that he was trying to keep her out of danger.

Red Clay went to see Roswell Diabolicus, careful to stay on his guard against the white man’s tricks.

RED CLAY: “You will not trick Red Clay into being calm and allaying his fears so you can pull fast one!”
ROSWELL: “Would you like some booze?”
RED CLAY: “Yes!”

Offering the treaty to Red Clay, Roswell then explained that his new invention, the telegraph scanner, had intercepted a message telling the US Cavalry to ambush Red Clay’s tribe. Roswell informed him that he could either take back the treaty or go to save his people. Already dismayed by this dilemma, Red Clay was further creeped out by the discovery that Roswell’s pet bobcat, Mr. Nosy, had no Great Bobcat Spirit inside it. Realizing that Mr. Nosy was undead, Roswell started babbling incoherently.

Will McGotnuthin visited Shirlene to find out why she hadn’t been to school. She explained that she was in love with Will, and feared that he’d abandon her like her father had. Will psychoanalyzed her as being “really fucked up.” Shirlene told him that people wouldn’t like it if they found out he talked to children like that, and started blackmailing him by threatening to accuse him of mistreating her.

In her cell, Madeline sang about her misfortunes.

MADELINE: “Here I am in the clink/
And it’s all the fault of that stupid…mayor of the town!”

Brigham Young ran into Will McGotnuthin in the street. They challenged each other to a showdown at high noon.

Shirlene met Sam the Horse, who informed her that he’d noticed the way she was manipulating everybody in town. As Sam confronted her, Shirlene threw a table across the room in rage, then broke down in tears and confessed her vendetta against everybody in town. Suddenly, Shirlene’s wig fell off.

Standing over the campfire, Red Clay flapped his loincloth to send smoke signals to warn his people. As he told his tribe to put their wagons in a square, other tribes intercepted the signals and offered to help. The Choctaw noticed that Red Clay’s balls were on fire.

Constance went to Castle Gayskull to search for Shirlene. Roswell lied that Shirlene was with him, then offered her his latest invention…Altoids. As the curiously strong mint burned Constance’s mouth, Roswell declared “Oh, there’s Shirlene now!” When Constance turned her back to him, Roswell pistol-whipped her (though it took several tries to have any effect on her thick skull).

Hop Hop had just discovered Madeline in the jail when Sam arrived with his new prisoner in tow…Shirlene. Sam warned them about Shirlene’s “demon within,” and a panicked Hop Hop locked himself up to escape the “demon.” Sam revealed the truth about Shirlene…many years ago, Roswell Diabolicus experimented with a newborn infant to create a new kind of human…a boy-girl. Reminded of his/her origins, Shirlene shrieked “I’M HIDEOUS!” and ran out in tears.

Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin faced each other in the street, awaiting the arrival of high noon. Will explained his hatred of Brigham by recalling the time he was beaten up by two men while Brigham stood by, laughing and pointing.

BRIGHAM: “I’m not saying I’m a good man…but at least I didn’t pretend to do Shakespeare.”

Suddenly, the standoff was interrupted when Shirlene ran through, crying hysterically, followed by Sam the Horse. Hop Hop and Madeline peered through the window of the jail to witness the spectacle. Everybody pulled their guns on each other. Suddenly, a bundle of dynamite was thrown into their midst.

TO BE CONTINUED…