Season 5, Episode 7: A Little One Point Thanksgiving

Episode 7: A Little One Point Thanksgiving

To take his mind off of Shirlene’s death, Sam the Horse was teaching Will McGotnuthin how to pitch horseshoes. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and Sam soon started crying so hard that he threw up. Will explained that it’s natural to be attracted to the “bad girl” (or, in Shirlene’s case, the “bad girl/boy”); it’s all part of the evolutionary process. However, Sam had been too busy putting his shoes back on to listen to Will’s explanation.

Brigham Young arrived at the general store, where Roswell Diabolicus pointed out that Brigham hadn’t been in to work in 4 weeks. Brigham explained that, as manager, he’d given himself a good talking-to about his absenteeism. Roswell decided that maybe the position of manager had been too much for Brigham, and made him assistant manager instead.

ROSWELL: “You’ll have the same responsibilities, but less pay.”
BRIGHAM: “I like where this is going.”

Adding to their problems, the store’s entire stock of food had been eaten by the rats which Shirlene let loose before she died. Roswell and Brigham discussed the idea of getting more food by hunting animals. Brigham proposed that they kill and eat Will McGotnuthin instead. Roswell admired the viciousness of Brigham’s plan.

Traumatized by her imprisonment at Castle Gayskull, Constance Snell had started hearing voices and believed that Jesus spoke to her. Constance and Hop Hop decided to go hunting for food, with Hop Hop using his new invention, the Chicken-Scope (his chicken, Mr. Cluck-No-More, attached to a rifle barrel). Constance asked why they couldn’t just eat Mr. Cluck-No-More instead.

Madeline went out to the woods to talk to Red Clay about the food shortage. Red Clay was angry about the way the white man always comes to the Indian for help, only to repay them with beads and massacres. However, with his tribe all dead, the people of Little One Point were now the only family Red Clay had. Madeline convinced Red Clay to help them with a long, moving speech about the true nature of family (which somehow incorporated the word “uterus”).

Sam the Horse paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus, berating Roswell for revealing the fact that Roswell had fathered everyone in town.

SAM: “How are we going to keep our evil circle from being broken when we keep divulging information we shouldn’t?”

And with that, Sam pulled off his mask, revealing the human being inside his “horse” persona!

Constance Snell and Hop Hop were out hunting when Sam (back in his horse disguise) passed by, talking about how full and fat he felt. Wondering where Sam had gotten food, Hop Hop pulled out a fortune cookie for advice. The starving Constance grabbed the cookie and wolfed it down, fortune and all. Hop Hop pondered how to retrieve the fortune.

CONSTANCE: “Honey, you gonna crack me open, you’re gonna have to pay for it.”

On his way to the school, Will McGotnuthin ran into Brigham Young. They pulled their weapons on each other and decided to resume their showdown, which had been interrupted by the dynamite blast a couple of weeks ago. To make the showdown more fair, Brigham gave Will one of his guns. They took three paces, turned and fired. Both men fell.

Sam was “helping” Red Clay find food in the woods, pointing out such delicacies as crabgrass. Suddenly, a sheep wandered into the area. Red Clay carefully stalked the sheep with his bow & arrow. After Red Clay wounded the sheep, both Sam and Red Clay wrestled it to the ground and broke off its head.

Madeline paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus to see if his genius had come up with a way of providing food. Since she had learned that Roswell was her biological father, there was even more tension than usual between them. She brought the subject around to the famine, pointing out that even Roswell looked more gaunt than usual.

ROSWELL: “Yes, I’ve lost 13 pounds…reducing my weight to 13 pounds.”

Roswell asked her to call everyone in town to the giant table, but Madeline warned him that she hoped this wasn’t one of his evil plans. Enraged, Roswell started ranting about his daughter’s ingratitude. Madeline was thrilled, because a family argument was just what they needed to make this a REAL Thanksgiving.

Will McGotnuthin and Brigham Young both came to, trying to figure out who shot whom. Will had been wounded in the arm, and Brigham, clutching his chest, declared that Will’s bullet had passed through him in four places. As Brigham lay gravely wounded, God spoke and reassured Brigham that he would live. Brigham waited for God to add more to the message, but that was it.

All the townspeople (except for Will & Brigham) gathered around the communal table, preparing for the Thanksgiving dinner of lamb and corn. Everyone took turns saying what they were thankful for. Madeline gave thanks for fashion and forgiveness. Red Clay gave thanks to the Great Sheep Spirit for letting him kick its head off. Constance was thankful that the sheep’s head was gone so she didn’t have to look at it. Roswell gave thanks that “the icy grip of death hasn’t clutched us.” Roswell then announced that he had his own contribution to make to the feast. Suddenly, he snapped the neck of his monstrous bobcat Mr. Nosy and placed it on the table as “kitty stuffing.” Finally, Hop Hop gave thanks for Little One Point, the land of opportunity. They all started singing in celebration, when Will McGotnuthin burst in and announced that Brigham Young was dying in the street.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 6: The Prisoner of Castle Gayskull

Episode 6: The Prisoner of Castle Gayskull

Constance Snell was struggling to adjust to her new life as Mrs. Roswell Diabolicus, especially since she didn’t remember the wedding ceremony. In fact, she didn’t remember much of anything since Roswell conked her on the head last week. Constance was deeply distressed over not being allowed to leave the castle, and was even more freaked out by the fact that Roswell’s bobcat Mr. Nosy had transformed into a hideous monster.

Gravely injured by last week’s dynamite blast, Hop Hop staggered to Red Clay’s campfire in search of medical aid.

HOP HOP: “Why this happen to Hop Hop?”
RED CLAY: “Hop Hop pick up dynamite. Not best idea.”

After Red Clay applied some cactus salve to Hop Hop’s burns, he used the tribal scepter passed down by his father, Chief Running Gag, to determine whether Hop Hop was responsible for calling the US Cavalry to attack his tribe. Not to be outdone, Hop Hop gave Red Clay a fortune cookie to foretell his future. Red Clay informed Hop Hop that the Cavalry had massacred the entire Chipapoo tribe, including the 10 buffalo-breasted squaws he had promised Hop Hop. Taking their respective magic talismans (the scepter and the cookies), Red Clay and Hop Hop set out on a magic quest to find the guilty party.

Brigham Young brought some eggs as a peace offering to Shirlene. Shirlene couldn’t believe that Brigham wasn’t angry with her for all the evil things she’s done, including holding a gun to his head. Brigham explained that he was through running from his problems, and now wanted to face life together with her as father and hermaphroditic child. Shirlene destroyed Brigham’s paternal pride by revealing that she was NOT his child! She explained the truth…many years ago, her family was killed by a traveling Shakespeare troupe, leaving her the gravely wounded sole survivor. Brigham Young healed her and saved her life, but immediately ran out of town…and she’s hated Brigham ever since for abandoning her.

Sam the Horse apologetically released Madeline from the jail cell, where he had locked her up for her own protection. Madeline noticed that Sam was no longer preaching social revolution, and he explained (in a song) that he had fallen in love with Shirlene, even though he knew about the evil in her. Sam hoped that he could eliminate Shirlene’s evil side by shooting her and letting Brigham heal her. Seeing the mess that Little One Point was in, Madeline pinned her badge back on her chest and re-appointed herself Sheriff.

We saw a wacky montage of Red Clay and Hop Hop on their magic quest.

Shirlene opened the door to Castle Gayskull. Constance was thrilled to be reunited with her “daughter,” but her excitement turned back into dismay when Shirlene locked the door behind her, once again trapping Constance inside. Roswell Diabolicus entered the room and told Constance the truth about his relationship with Shirlene. Years ago, Roswell found the young girl after she had been healed and abandoned by Brigham Young. He took the child in and performed a sex-change experiment on her.

ROSWELL: “I made her a boy on the top and a girl on the bottom…the exact opposite of ME!”

Yes, Roswell was a hermaphrodite him/herself, and had altered Shirlene to be his perfect match.

Brigham Young and Sam the Horse were discussing all the weirdness they’d been through lately, and the conversation drifted to what they should do about Shirlene. Suddenly, God spoke to Brigham with some advice.

GOD: “I love all my creations, but sometimes I have to do the humane thing. I want you to do the humane thing.”
BRIGHAM: “Have her spayed?”
GOD: “Brigham, I’m sorry about your brain. I should have worked harder on it.”

God explained that, just as He sends down lightning to put down rabid dogs, Brigham should put down Shirlene. Sam took Brigham aside and explained that, as an animal, Sam had a connection with God…and he’s learned that sometimes God is wrong.

Roswell Diabolicus was stacking packages at the general store when Hop Hop came in, compelled by a mysterious urge to seek out Roswell’s newest invention, “Band-Aids.” Hop Hop confronted Roswell about the Chipapoo massacre, and Roswell suggested that Red Clay might have called in the Cavalry himself so that he could be the last of his tribe.

Constance Snell wrote a letter pleading for help, attaching the note to the leg of a bat.

Red Clay was luring passersby in by offering free beef jerky samples, then using his scepter to test their guilt. Suddenly, a bat landed on Red Clay’s shoulder, and he read the note tied to its leg. When Madeline passed by, Red Clay tested her and explained the situation. Madeline figured it was obvious that Roswell Diabolicus was responsible for the massacre. Brigham Young came back for a second helping of jerky.

RED CLAY: “Care for Teriyaki version, made from flesh of Hop Hop?”

Hop Hop rushed in and grabbed the Teriyaki jerky so he could reattach his skin.

Sam the Horse dreamed of a romantic dance sequence with Shirlene.

Back at Castle Gayskull, Shirlene sent a telegram to the US Cavalry, thanking them for their timely response. Madeline knocked on the door while the rest of her posse hid in the bushes. Madeline told Shirlene that she was checking in because Shirlene hadn’t been coming to school, and Shirlene explained her absence by accusing Will McGotnuthin of improper advances. Constance ran down the stairs and took this opportunity to escape, but was immediately brought back in tow when Roswell arrived. Roswell menacingly told Madeline that Mr. Nosy needed more food. Suddenly, the posse burst in to the rescue. Brigham shot Shirlene, and Madeline drove her parasol handle through Mr. Nosy’s heart (though, not being wood, it didn’t really have any effect on the undead monster-cat). Using his tribal scepter, Red Clay was surprised to discover that Shirlene was the guilty party. They all gathered around the mortally wounded Shirlene. Suddenly, God spoke to Brigham, saying that He’d changed his mind about putting Shirlene down. Too late. Roswell Diabolicus explained the true secret of Little One Point, and why everyone present had been drawn to it. Roswell revealed that he was the father of everyone there…except for Red Clay. In Red Clay’s case, Roswell was Red Clay’s mother!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 5: High Noon Hijinks

Episode 5: High Noon Hijinks

Returning from his self-imposed exile, Brigham Young went to see Mayor Hop Hop. Surprised to see him, Hop Hop explained that he had made a deal with Will McGotnuthin to banish Brigham from Little One Point.

BRIGHAM: “You’re wrong about Will McGotnuthin!”
HOP HOP: “I didn’t think I have opinion one way or the other!”

Brigham informed Hop Hop about Will’s criminal past as a member of a gang that drew people in by announcing Shakespeare festivals, then robbing the audience. Uncertain about which one to trust, Hop Hop put Brigham to the “fortune cookie test.” Brigham’s fortune read “Be direct. Usually one can accomplish much.”

Constance Snell and her unofficially adopted daughter Shirlene were putting away groceries when Shirlene started crying. Shirlene told Constance that a drunken Hop Hop had come to the saloon and started slapping her around. Constance swore to protect her.

Former sheriff Madeline Clementine paid a visit to the jail, where she discovered the new sheriff, Sam the Horse, behind bars. Sam explained that Roswell Diabolicus had tricked him into getting locked up, and Madeline got the keys to release him. Much to her chagrin, Sam then put HER in the cell, apologetically explaining that he was trying to keep her out of danger.

Red Clay went to see Roswell Diabolicus, careful to stay on his guard against the white man’s tricks.

RED CLAY: “You will not trick Red Clay into being calm and allaying his fears so you can pull fast one!”
ROSWELL: “Would you like some booze?”
RED CLAY: “Yes!”

Offering the treaty to Red Clay, Roswell then explained that his new invention, the telegraph scanner, had intercepted a message telling the US Cavalry to ambush Red Clay’s tribe. Roswell informed him that he could either take back the treaty or go to save his people. Already dismayed by this dilemma, Red Clay was further creeped out by the discovery that Roswell’s pet bobcat, Mr. Nosy, had no Great Bobcat Spirit inside it. Realizing that Mr. Nosy was undead, Roswell started babbling incoherently.

Will McGotnuthin visited Shirlene to find out why she hadn’t been to school. She explained that she was in love with Will, and feared that he’d abandon her like her father had. Will psychoanalyzed her as being “really fucked up.” Shirlene told him that people wouldn’t like it if they found out he talked to children like that, and started blackmailing him by threatening to accuse him of mistreating her.

In her cell, Madeline sang about her misfortunes.

MADELINE: “Here I am in the clink/
And it’s all the fault of that stupid…mayor of the town!”

Brigham Young ran into Will McGotnuthin in the street. They challenged each other to a showdown at high noon.

Shirlene met Sam the Horse, who informed her that he’d noticed the way she was manipulating everybody in town. As Sam confronted her, Shirlene threw a table across the room in rage, then broke down in tears and confessed her vendetta against everybody in town. Suddenly, Shirlene’s wig fell off.

Standing over the campfire, Red Clay flapped his loincloth to send smoke signals to warn his people. As he told his tribe to put their wagons in a square, other tribes intercepted the signals and offered to help. The Choctaw noticed that Red Clay’s balls were on fire.

Constance went to Castle Gayskull to search for Shirlene. Roswell lied that Shirlene was with him, then offered her his latest invention…Altoids. As the curiously strong mint burned Constance’s mouth, Roswell declared “Oh, there’s Shirlene now!” When Constance turned her back to him, Roswell pistol-whipped her (though it took several tries to have any effect on her thick skull).

Hop Hop had just discovered Madeline in the jail when Sam arrived with his new prisoner in tow…Shirlene. Sam warned them about Shirlene’s “demon within,” and a panicked Hop Hop locked himself up to escape the “demon.” Sam revealed the truth about Shirlene…many years ago, Roswell Diabolicus experimented with a newborn infant to create a new kind of human…a boy-girl. Reminded of his/her origins, Shirlene shrieked “I’M HIDEOUS!” and ran out in tears.

Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin faced each other in the street, awaiting the arrival of high noon. Will explained his hatred of Brigham by recalling the time he was beaten up by two men while Brigham stood by, laughing and pointing.

BRIGHAM: “I’m not saying I’m a good man…but at least I didn’t pretend to do Shakespeare.”

Suddenly, the standoff was interrupted when Shirlene ran through, crying hysterically, followed by Sam the Horse. Hop Hop and Madeline peered through the window of the jail to witness the spectacle. Everybody pulled their guns on each other. Suddenly, a bundle of dynamite was thrown into their midst.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 4: Sixteen Tons of Cotton

Episode 4: Sixteen Tons of Cotton

Roswell Diabolicus invited Sam the Horse into the general store and offered him some oats. As Sam bent down to get the oats, Roswell came up behind him in a particularly obscene manner, then told Sam that he could pay for the oats by “giving him a ride.” Sam changed the subject by asking “Hey, wasn’t that cat dead?” Roswell informed him that Mr. Nosy had indeed been shot, but had been healed by Brigham Young. Already creeped out by the undead cat, Sam quickly cut out when Roswell asked it “What’s that, Mr. Nosy? You can smell his brains?”

Brigham Young’s daughter Shirlene was cleaning up at Jed’s Saloon (having been left in charge while Constance was away), while Red Clay explained about the plans for his tribe to take over the city. Shirlene poured a couple of drinks…and two hours later, Shirlene got the thoroughly plastered Red Clay to give her the treaty for safekeeping.

Will McGotnuthin, the town schoolteacher, paid a visit to Mayor Hop Hop to request more school supplies, since they only had volume “Z” of the encyclopedia. Hop Hop, however, wanted to keep the white kids ignorant so they wouldn’t think themselves better than Hop Hop’s people. Will suggested a compromise, requesting the “C” volume so the kids could learn about China. He even invited Hop Hop to be a guest speaker, informing him that the Montessori system wouldn’t censor his teaching at all. Hop Hop agreed, and immediately pulled out the “C” encyclopedia. Will then asked Hop Hop for another favor …to make sure Brigham Young stays out of town.

Having fled from a torch-wielding mob, Brigham Young found his way to an old abandoned cotton mine. He was startled to meet grizzled old prospector Jabby Butts, who invited Brigham to join his in his quest for the deepest, rarest cotton that’s ever been mined.

JABBY: “There’s just three conditions. You gotta work hard, you gotta drink whiskey, and there’s a vow of celibacy.”
BRIGHAM: “It’s just you & me down there, right?”

Still rattled by his experience in Roswell’s store, Sam the Horse ran into Will McGotnuthin. As Will talked about his plans for the store, Sam began feeling inadequate due to his own lack of education. Will invited Sam to sit in and audit the classes. Sam confessed that he’d hated Will when they first met, but had warmed up to him. Will observed that he still hadn’t used the chesspiece calling card to summon Sam, despite having had several guns pointed at him during his short time in Little One Point. Sam cautioned Will to save it for when he’s in a REALLY tight spot.

WILL: “I appreciate your confidence in my getting in trouble.”

Red Clay woke up with a terrible hangover, then realized the treaty was missing. (“Red Clay big-time screwed!”)

Shirlene was still cleaning up at the saloon when Roswell Diabolicus entered. Roswell compained that she was supposed to have arrived in town two weeks earlier, but Shirlene soothed his temper by handing him the treaty. They shared a passionate kiss.

Down in the cotton mine, Jabby Butts explained that the mine shaft was only wide enough for one; Brigham will be lowered down on a rope while Jabby holds it secure. They tested the depth of the supposedly bottomless pit by dropping in a rock. Hearing a splash, Jabby realized they’d stumbled onto the legendary water cotton, a substance nobody had ever actually seen.

JABBY: “Water cotton! Rarer than gold, shinier than Heaven, smoother than silk…I’m just guessing here.”

They prepared to lower Brigham down the shaft, when something snapped.

Mayor Hop Hop held a meeting of his cabinet: himself, Roswell Diabolicus, and Sam the Horse (his newly-appointed groundskeeper). Hop Hop kept on mouthing off to Roswell until he finally noticed that Roswell was pointing a gun at him. With no way to save himself, Hop Hop rubbed the chesspiece to summon Sam’s help. Sam rushed to the rescue, kicking Roswell into unconsciousness. By using the chesspiece, Hop Hop had used up his favor, but they agreed it was well worth it. Hop Hop rewarded Sam by appointing him the new sheriff. Coming to, Roswell revealed that he had the treaty, and thus now owned the town. Unimpressed, Sam arrested Roswell. Roswell insisted that his authority overruled both Hop Hop’s and Sam’s, and they bickered back and forth for a while until Roswell finally gave in and went to jail.

Will McGotnuthin entered the saloon and met Shirlene. Aghast that a 12-year-old was running a bar, Will invited her to come to school so that she could learn some other occupation. Shirlene confessed that she was distraught because her father, Brigham Young, had run off again. Hearing the name of his hated enemy, Will offered to take her to Roswell Diabolicus so that Roswell could be her new father.

Having both fallen into the abyss, Brigham Young and Jabby Butts were attacked by a giant alligator.

Red Clay did a dance around the campfire to summon the spirits of his ancestors. After he confessed that he had lost the treaty, his ancestors told him that it was in the hands of the man with the “spookum hat,” in the room with bars.

Back in the mineshaft, Jabby Butts had been bitten and mortally wounded by the alligator. Brigham called upon the Lord to help him heal Jabby. Instead, the Lord spoke and explained that He was calling Jabby home so that Brigham may live. As Jabby ascended into Heaven, his limp straightened out and his beard fell off, and he was once again a young, whole man. The Lord told Brigham to remember what Jabby had taught him, but Brigham had no idea what that meant.

In the jail, Roswell Diabolicus tried to persuade Sam to release him by offering him the position of mayor and his own salt mine. Angered by Roswell’s bribe attempts, Sam got right up in Roswell’s face, grabbing the bars in the process. Suddenly, Sam discovered that the bars were now in front of himself, and that Roswell was now free!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 3: Oh, So THAT'S Who That Stranger Was

Episode 3: Oh, So THAT’S Who That Stranger Was

Ex-Sheriff Madeline Clementine went to Sam the Horse seeking advice about the loss of her job. As Madeline lamented the town’s descent into lawlessness, Sam proposed using that lawlessness to their advantage by strong-arming Mayor Hop Hop to get their way.

The town schoolteacher, Will McGotnuthin, went into the general store to buy some much-needed paper. Shopkeeper Roswell Diabolicus was too distraught by the near-fatal shooting of his bobcat, Mr. Nosy, to be of much assistance, so Will offered to listen to Roswell’s troubles. Roswell explained that the mysterious stranger who shot Mr. Nosy last week was in fact Nosy’s previous owner, Stinkum. A long time ago, Roswell rescued Nosy from Stinkum’s mistreatment (burning down Stinkum’s home in the process), and Stinkum finally tracked them down last week. When Roswell explained that Nosy was saved by Brigham Young’s miraculous healing powers, Will’s eyes turned cold. Will stated that he had taken an instant dislike to Brigham due to the fact that Brigham pointed a gun at him every time they met…and that he didn’t expect to change his mind about Brigham anytime soon. Suddenly, Roswell remembered that Brigham had left a gift for the new school…a whole ream of paper.

As Constance Snell was cleaning up in the saloon, she was surprised when a pigtailed 12-year-old girl suddenly burst in. After Constance treated the starving waif to some pie, the girl explained that she’d been on the run her whole life because her father was always getting run out of town…usually after touching a sick or injured child. Constance offered to be her new mom.

Hop Hop and Red Clay were going over the paperwork to return Little One Point to the Chipapoo tribe when Red Clay remarked on the long, soft scroll the contract was written on. Hop Hop explained the Chinese invention of toilet paper, and Red Clay was so impressed that he asked Hop Hop to stay on as the town inventor. Getting back to the plans for Little One Point, Red Clay explained that Jed’s Saloon would be converted into a casino. Red Clay asked Hop Hop if he could invent a gambling machine to take the white man’s money, and Hop Hop suggested that they get Roswell Diabolicus to help them with that.

Brigham Young paid a visit to Madeline Clementine, bidding farewell before the inevitable torch-wielding mob runs him out of town for using his freakish healing powers. Madeline urged him to stand his ground, suggesting that he use his powers to heal himself if the torches burn him. Madeline told Brigham that they needed to come up with a solution to the Hop Hop/Red Clay conspiracy.

MADELINE: “For once, violence isn’t the answer.”
BRIGHAM: “Well, I’ll believe THAT when I see it.”

As Constance Snell showed the little girl the sights of Little One Point, they ran into Sam the Horse. The girl introduced herself as Shirlene, and she and Sam hit it off (despite Sam repeatedly calling her “Charlene”).

As Constance had left the saloon unattended, Brigham Young was helping himself to some booze when Will McGotnuthin entered. They immediately went for their weapons. Brigham revealed that he recognized Will from the Wanted posters, but was willing to give him a chance to start anew as a schoolteacher.

BRIGHAM: “But I’m warning you…the first time a child gets a ‘B,’ I’m gonna fill you full of lead.”
WILL: “We don’t HAVE grades in Montessori school!”
BRIGHAM: “Then you might not last too long.”

Red Clay paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus at Castle Gayskull. Roswell asked Red Clay to help him repay Brigham Young for healing Mr. Nosy, suggesting that they organize a “torch party” for him. Red Clay agreed, since he wanted to treat the townspeople nice before he evicts them. Red Clay explained about how Hop Hop had returned the land to his tribe in exchange for his choice of ten Chipapoo squaws “with mammaries of buffalo.” Pausing only to observe that buffalo are flat-chested, Roswell revealed that he had rigged the election to set up Hop Hop as his pawn. Red Clay suddenly realized that the deal was worthless…but his people were already on their way!

Hop Hop was having a cup of Earl Grey (despite his obvious distaste for the inferior English tea) when Sam the Horse burst in and made a lot of fake fighting noises to make Madeline think he was confronting Hop Hop. Sam explained that Madeline had been the one who got the townspeople to accept him, but despite that debt, he couldn’t bring himself to beat up Hop Hop. Understanding his predicament, Hop Hop invited Sam to kick him in the face to make it look really convincing. Sam did so.

Madeline visited Will McGotnuthin, explaining that she’d been dismissed from her sheriff position and was in need of a job.

MADELINE: “I don’t care for children, but I like talkin’. Can’t that make me a teacher?”
WILL: “Every teacher I ever knew!”

Will confessed that the only subject he really knew anything about was whipping, and that he needed someone as knowledgeable as Madeline to help him run the school.

Sitting at his campfire, Red Clay communed with the spirits of his ancestors. He sheepishly explained that the new treaty wasn’t valid because Hop Hop was only a puppet (at which point he had to explain to them what a puppet was). His ancestors urged him to take back the land by any means necessary, and to put his hand inside the puppet head.

Brigham Young entered Jed’s Saloon and was shocked to find himself face-to-face with his long-lost daughter Shirlene. As Shirlene railed against her father for everything she’d been put through, Brigham explained that he HAD to use his healing gift when it’s needed. Shirlene put her father to the test by shooting herself in the foot. Brigham laid his hands upon her leg and called upon the Lord to heal her, which He did. As the torch party approached, Brigham apologized to Shirlene for having to run out on her once again. Shirlene urged Brigham to stand up to the mob for once, but he ran out anyway.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 2: Who Was That Stranger Anyhow?

Episode 2: Who Was That Stranger Anyhow?

Mayor Hop Hop, shopkeeper Roswell Diabolicus, and the town’s new schoolteacher Will McGotnuthin held a ribbon-cutting ceremony to mark the opening of the new school. The ceremony fizzled out when they realized there weren’t any students yet.

In Jed’s Saloon, Brigham Young and Red Clay shared a peace pipe. Taking exception to being called “paleface,” Brigham pointed out that Red Clay’s face was mighty pale itself. Red Clay confessed his secret…he was not a full-blooded Chipapoo brave. Many years ago, a Chipapoo raiding party led an attack on an Italian nunnery, raping and scalping the nuns. Red Clay’s father, Chief Running Gag, fell in love with one of the nuns (despite having scalped her), kept her alive and brought her back to the village. Their child disguised his half-breed complexion by rubbing red clay on himself…hence the name “Red Clay.”

BRIGHAM: “I got a similar story, ’cept there’s no nuns or rapin’ in it.”

Constance Snell was standing on the street corner, drumming up business by offering free sample blowjobs. Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to discourage Constance from hawking her wares on the street, but Constance explained that she viewed prostitution as a public service, keeping these ornery gunslingers too busy (not to mention too happy) to kill each other. Constance revealed that it was her 19th birthday, and Madeline sang her a birthday song.

Will McGotnuthin and Roswell Diabolicus were going over the lesson plans for the new school, with special attention devoted to the second person plural pronoun “y’all.” Will questioned the wisdom of Roswell keeping a wild bobcat as a pet, but Roswell compared it to what Will planned to do with the “wild” children of Little One Point.

In the mayor’s office, Hop Hop had just signed a bill legalizing prostitution so that Constance could stay in business when Red Clay entered. Recognizing each other as fellow stereotypes, Red Clay and Hop Hop became fast friends. Red Clay explained how his tribe had traded their land for a kazoo, and were then forced to march to Alabama. Hop Hop told Red Clay that it would take more than just the return of the kazoo to get the land back, and Red Clay sweetened the deal by offering Hop Hop his choice of 10 Chipapoo squaws “with mammaries of buffalo, rear end of white-tail deer.” Red Clay pulled out his peace pipe to seal the agreement, and Hop Hop got out some opium.

Engaging in some target practice, Sheriff Madeline Clementine shot a leaf off of a distant tree. Not to be outdone, Brigham Young massacred a passing flock of geese and herd of buffalo. Impressed by his shooting, Madeline told Brigham she was looking for a new deputy. Brigham wished her luck in finding one.

MADELINE: “Brigham Young, you are charmin’ when you’re dense, which is all the time.”

Madeline clarified that she wanted to take on Brigham as her new deputy, and he agreed. As Madeline asked Brigham to control his trigger finger, they noticed a herd of penguins passing by. Madeline joined Brigham in wiping them out.

By the campfire, Red Clay communed with the spirits of his ancestors, informing them of his deal with Hop Hop. His ancestors advised him on how to pay back the white man for their mistreatment…build casinos!

As Constance Snell gave Will McGotnuthin a backrub, she thanked him for his generosity in offering her 50 cents for “love & hot sex.” Taken aback, Will explained that he thought they were only talking about rent for the room. Constance was extremely perplexed, since this was the first time she’d met a man who hadn’t slept with her right away. To alleviate her confusion, Will agreed to get drunk and then have sex with her.

Doing inventory in the general store, Brigham Young told his boss, Roswell Diabolicus, that he’d put those boxes with the skulls in the back. Reminding Brigham that the back was now the new school, Roswell warned him that those boxes were dangerous TNT. As Brigham was a simple man, Roswell had no qualms about explaining his sinister plan to build the Rhode Island-sized cannon, with which he will force people to buy his inventions (the cellular telegraph, the sports utility wagon, etc.). Brigham sheepishly informed Roswell about his new position as deputy, explaining that he didn’t foresee this conflict of interest. Suddenly, a mysterious stranger entered, threatening Roswell. Brigham pulled a gun on him, and the stand-off began…

Hop Hop informed Madeline that Red Clay had reclaimed the land, and was initiating new rules. Madeline was outraged that the Chipapoo had taken back the land they’d been cheated out of fair & square. Asking Hop Hop if he had a green card, Madeline told him that, as a resident alien, he didn’t have the authority to make this agreement. Hop Hop asserted that, as mayor, he DID have the authority to fire her.

Back at the general store, the stand-off was interrupted when Will McGotnuthin entered to buy pencils. Taking advantage of the distraction, the stranger turned his gun on Roswell’s bobcat, Mr. Nosy. As Roswell pleaded, the stranger suddenly shot Mr. Nosy, only to be immediately riddled with bullets by Brigham Young.

Red Clay went to the saloon to inform Constance Snell that his tribe was coming back. He told her that the saloon would have to close because it was build on a sacred Chipapoo burial ground. Constance was outraged by the idea, launching into a semi-coherent lecture on the history of Jed’s Saloon. Suddenly, the spirits of Red Clay’s ancestors interrupted to suggest a compromise…they could convert the saloon into a casino! Constance liked the idea (not to mention being impressed by Red Clay’s talking to ghosts), so she invited Red Clay to the little room upstairs.

Roswell Diabolicus carried the wounded Mr. Nosy back to his home, Castle Gayskull. Brigham Young burst in, explaining that one of the reasons he’d been run out of various towns was that he had a miraculous gift for healing, which caused most people to treat him as a freak. Laying his hands upon Mr. Nosy, Brigham pleaded with God to save this cat which brought an old man such joy. Brigham and Mr. Nosy were bathed in a bright light as the music swelled in the background.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 1:Once Upon a Time in the West

Episode 1: Once Upon a Time in the West

Our story begins in the joint mayor’s office/sheriff’s office of Little One Point, where the newly-elected Mayor Hop Hop was not happy about sharing the room with Sheriff Madeline Clementine. Since Hop Hop had no political experience (he hadn’t even run for office, he just woke up one morning and was informed he was mayor), Madeline suggested that he just be a figurehead and let her take care of the administrative work. They talked about Hop Hop’s arduous journey from China to this land of opportunity where dreams come true. Madeline confessed that she saw no chance of her own dreams coming true, since all the menfolk were too afraid of her authority to have any romantic interest in her. Hop Hop consoled her.

The town shopkeeper, Roswell Diabolicus, was doing inventory (assisted by his pet bobcat Mr. Nosy) when his assistant Brigham Young came in late for work. Despite this, Roswell gave Brigham a promotion to manager, explaining that his tardiness was unimportant as long as he was there before the customers, and ready to give Hop Hop his noodle injection. Roswell warned Brigham that this position came with a price, mysteriously explaining that one night, Roswell would tap on his window and call upon him for a favor. Brigham had no problem with that.

Sam the Horse was out grazing when he met the mysterious whip-wielding stranger in black, Will McGotnuthin. As Will explained that he’d been walking all the way from Macon, a passerby stuck a “Wanted” poster on a nearby cactus. Realizing that Will was a fugitive, Sam nevertheless agreed to give Will a ride to Little One Point, as long as Will didn’t try to change their way of life. Will couldn’t make that promise, as his goal was to bring education to the old West. Will tried to explain that the changes he wanted were better than the changes Sam feared.

SAM: “So…if the new change is different from the old change, then…you’d change things exactly the way they are!”

Saloonkeeper/madam Constance Snell was tending bar when Red Clay, the Chipapoo brave, entered. As she poured him a drink, Red Clay explained that he had no money…only the kazoo for which his ancestors had traded this land years before. Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived and asked about the rumors of a mysterious stranger heading into town. Red Clay replied that he had indeed seen a man who “smelled of far away,” prompting Constance to share an utterly pointless reminiscence about her cousin.

Roswell Diabolicus made a house call to Hop Hop, congratulating him on his election. When they shook hands, Hop Hop got a splinter from Roswell’s wooden index finger (the result of a deal Roswell made with a Mexican). Roswell offered to get Hop Hop his own office if he’ll appoint Roswell to his cabinet. Roswell then sweetened the deal by offering him free noodle injections.

Playing poker with Sam the Horse, Brigham Young presented his hand (two threes, a queen and an ace) with a proud “BOO-YAH!” As Sam collected his winnings, Brigham bragged about his promotion. Brigham then mentioned the mysterious packages that had been arriving at the store, marked with faces with X’s where the eyes should be.

Constance Snell wondered why everyone thinks everything she says is something dirty. Then she announced “I have a fantastic vagina,” and broke out into a song about it.

Being a hands-on kind of mayor, Hop Hop was manning the Welcome Center, telling the mysterious visitor about all of Little One Point’s attractions (including Constance’s fantastic vagina).

WILL: “Is there a point in this conversation where you shut up?”
HOP HOP: “Well…no.”

A young woman strolled by and nailed up another Wanted poster, but Hop Hop was too busy looking up her skirt to pay attention to the poster. Will McGotnuthin explained that he’d noticed the town needed a schoolteacher, and offered to fill that void. Hop Hop had him write out an application on the back of the Wanted poster, then asked Will about his policies. Will explained that he would let the children fend for themselves when it came to lunch, and that he would use his whip to maintain the pace of learning. Hearing this, Sam the Horse called Will over and advised him to rethink his policies. Sam gave Will his calling card…a chess piece.

Over in his Gothic manor, Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus opened his packages of TNT. Roswell gloated over his plan to build a cannon the size of Rhode Island, capable of blowing a Rhode Island-sized hole in the country. Asking Mr. Nosy for advice, Roswell decided to persuade Hop Hop to bring in more Chinese “railroad workers”…who will unwittingly build the Rhode Island Cannon for him!

Sitting by the campfire, Red Clay realized he’d forgotten his peace pipe, so he started smoking the kazoo instead. He called upon the spirits of his ancestors, who told him to find the Chief of the town by looking for a terrible stereotype. Red Clay realized they meant Hop Hop (the only terrible stereotype he knew besides himself).

Will McGotnuthin arrived at Constance’s saloon, looking for a room to stay. Thinking he was asking for more than just a room, Constance led him upstairs.

As Sheriff Madeline Clementine assembled a posse, Sam the Horse lectured the other horses for passively participating in their own subjugation. Suddenly, the old coot Gabby rushed in, shouting “I seen ’im!” Gabby collapsed and died, as Brigham Young attempted CPR. Noticing a familiar white substance on Gabby’s shoes, Sam realized that their quarry was at the saloon.

Having found one of Roswell’s packages lying in the road, Red Clay brought it in to the general store. As Roswell sat down in a precarious and vaguely objectionable pose, he offered to help Red Clay reclaim his tribal land if Red Clay would keep an eye on Will McGotnuthin. Red Clay was reluctant to make a deal with the white man, so Roswell offered him booze.

As Constance led Will to the bed, the posse burst in. As Madeline confronted Will, Hop Hop recognized that this “mysterious stranger” was the town’s new schoolteacher. Madeline changed her tune and welcomed the stranger, a perplexed Brigham Young reminded everybody about Gabby’s death. Hop Hop dismissed his concerns by pointing out that Gabby dies all the time, and had been suffering a case of the sniffles. The rest of the group persuaded Brigham to convert the back of the store into a classroom. Brigham agreed, but was still puzzled by one thing:

BRIGHAM: “How does the sniffles make a bullet hole appear?”

TO BE CONTINUED…