Episode 9: Circus of Horrors
Rosie Jay (still masquerading as the late Vanessa Goodhead) and Barney Kabob were in the ambulance, driving to pick out engagement rings and discussing their future together. Rosie envisioned raising three kids, and Barney suggested that they get a dog instead. Eventually, they settled on a compromise: one large dog or two small ones for each child they have. Suddenly, an emergency call came over the radio announcing that a circus train had derailed.
The young patient Sammy Swanson, having suffered a relapse of his terminal speech impediment, was sitting in his hospital room when baseball legend Two-Shoes Blair entered. Two-Shoes explained that he’d come to the hospital to brighten up Sammy’s dying days. He presented Sammy with a dog (whom Sammy named Scrapples) and a jock-cup, then explained that Sammy could summon him at any time by rubbing the cup.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Dr. Corky Howser were playing pool in the hospital’s bar, The Rusty Scalpel. Sturgis apologized for overworking Corky, explaining that he was just trying motivate Corky into the best retarded doctor he could be. He offered to be Corky’s father figure, then gave him some papers to sign (or at least mark) making it official. Suddenly, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler rushed in with news of the circus train crash.
Father Bob, who had let his newly-discovered healing powers go to his head and had taken to wearing a white robe, was admitting an injured elephant at the triage station. Attorney Wince Medler entered and offered to get the elephant a huge pain-and-suffering settlement. Father Bob explained that there would be no pain and suffering to repay after he uses his magic dick to heal all the injured people and animals. Medler countered that suing, not healing, is what brings in the money.
While treating an injured monkey, Corky explained to Rosie/“Vanessa” that he’d come to realize that he truly loved Rosie, and since she was dead now, she’d never know how he really felt. “Vanessa” assured him that Rosie was hearing every word he said. Corky said that, as a man of science (or at least a retarded teen of science), he couldn’t believe that. He lamented that he would never know love again.
While operating on an injured clown, Barney Kabob confided to Yummy Wampler that he was nervous about his upcoming wedding. Yummy warned him that wedding jitters could have disastrous consequences…and could even lead to death. Barney frantically asked her what she meant by that, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.
Sammy Swanson and Two-Shoes Blair ran into Wince Medler, who warned Sammy not to put his faith in “Steroid” Blair. As Two-Shoes professed his innocence, Sturgis came by and handed him his steroid prescription. Disillusioned, Sammy ran off in tears. When Two-Shoes threatened Wince for exposing him, Wince explained that he could offer him a new undetectable steroid that could land him a slot on the National Nationals.
Up on the roof, Sammy was contemplating his lost innocence when Sturgis St. Cloud walked up. Sturgis explained that, since his attempt to save Sammy’s life had failed, he would now help Sammy pack as much living as possible into his last days. In other words: PARTY!!!!
A panicked Yummy ran through the halls, shouting that the circus’ lions and stilt-walkers had escaped. Rosie grabbed a stun-gun from the supply closet and prepared to patrol the hospital. Corky entered, and the startled Rosie immediately stunned him.
Barney Kabob and Father Bob had barricaded themselves in the Little Varsity Jr., trying to hold the lions at bay. Father Bob announced that he would go out and face the lions like the Christians of old, with faith that his holy powers would protect him. Immediately after he left, horrible screams filled the air, and Bob’s robe and collar came flying through the door.
In the pediatric wing, Wince Medler and Two-Shoes Blair comforted the children by singing a song about the subjects they knew best: drugs and hookers.
Sturgis took Sammy on a double-date with a couple of girls they had rescued from the animals. Sturgis tried to hit his date up for some gratitude sex, but they were more interested in watching “The Iron Giant” with Sammy.
As Yummy treated his stun-gun injury, Corky informed her that Sturgis had drawn up some adoption papers for him earlier…and since the leadership of the hospital had been passed down through the St. Cloud family for generations, that meant that he could now wrest control from Sturgis. Yummy was thrilled by this news, until Corky informed her that he’d have her working harder and longer shifts than ever before, since she’d been part of the system that exploited his Down’s Syndrome and only paid him in apple slices and Tortino’s pizza rolls.
Rosie and Barney were patrolling the hospital, stunning animals left and right. Barney told her that the danger had made him realize how much he wanted her in his life, and erased the doubts he was having about marriage.
After a montage of partying, Sammy thanked Sturgis for showing him such a good time in his last days. Sturgis comforted Sammy by comparing death to the ending of “The Iron Giant,” explaining that his soul would explode into a million pieces then draw itself back together.
Afterwards, Sturgis told Corky how good he felt about finally doing something good for a patient. Corky complimented him on developing a bedside manner, than handed him his pink slip. Sturgis agreed to clean out his desk, but warned Corky that he’d regret this.
With Corky gone mad with power, Yummy consulted Wince Medler to see if he could break the contract. Medler agreed to help her if she’d serve as his maid for two weeks.
Sammy was searching for his dog Scrapples when a giant circus crocodile suddenly appeared and ate Scrapples. Terrified, Sammy rubbed the magic jock-cup, and Two-Shoes Blair rushed in to the rescue, killing the crocodile by jamming a baseball down its throat after an intense battle. Sammy thanked Two-Shoes for restoring his faith in him, and Two-Shoes promised to hit two home runs in his next game…one for Sammy, and one for Scrapples.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label father bob. Show all posts
Showing posts with label father bob. Show all posts
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Season 10, Episode 8: I Fear for My Safety
Episode 8: I Fear for My Safety
Having killed Nurse Vanessa Goodhead (who’d been disguised as Rosie Jay) with an injection of Haitian zombie-serum, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference to assure the public that “Rosie” was doing fine. Sturgis also promised that he himself would save the terminally ill child who had just arrived at the hospital.
Meanwhile, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was admitting that patient, little Sammy Swanson. Sammy explained that he was suffering from the terminal speech imediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome (“the first symptom is that you can’t say it”).
In the bar, Father Bob Houdini was drinking himself into a stupor with grief over the deaths of Johnnie Cochran and Mitch Hedberg…oh yeah, and the impending death of the Pope. (Note: This episode was improvised before the Pope’s passing…not that that’s going to save us from going to Hell.)
Rosie Jay, disguised as Vanessa, stood beside the flatlining body of the real Vanessa. She thanked Vanessa for her sacrifice and for the opportunity to start a new life with Vanessa’s identity. The body began moving, and Rosie/Vanessa struggled to keep it down.
Sammy Swanson explained to Yummy that his parents had used his Make-a-Wish Foundation wish to take a Disneyland vacation for themselves, so he asked if she could grant his wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. The outlandishness of this request caused the overworked and overstressed Yummy to snap, and she lashed out with savage fury.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was trying to get Father Bob to eat. Father Bob lamented that John Paul II was the greatest Pope ever…in fact, he had superhuman powers. Barney said that it didn’t concern him, since he wasn’t Catholic. Bob pointed out that Barney had converted to Catholicism in prison, as revealed in the previous episode in a scene that was cut from the synopsis for space reasons.
“Vanessa” loaded “Rosie’s” body into the ambulance when Sturgis came in to sneak a joint. “Vanessa” informed him that she knew all about his cover-up of “Rosie’s” death, and had informed the press all about it. Sturgis smugly asked what proof she had, and she pointed to the body in the back.
Corky was still waiting for guidance in the chapel when Sammy Swanson ran in, fearing for his safety from Yummy’s rampage. Corky did a quick examination of Sammy, and assured him that he wouldn’t have to worry about his terminal speech impediment…the previously-undiagnosed brain tumor would kill him before then.
Meanwhile, Yummy was self-medicating in the supply closet. After she passed out, the drunken Father Bob staggered in and noticed her sprawled across the table. (“Well, Merry Christmas to me!”)
Rosie/“Vanessa” was in the real Vanessa’s apartment (with the body hidden under the couch) when Barney arrived. After sharing a drink, Barney informed her that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, then kissed her passionately. They decided to go off and start a new life together, then broke into a song and dance.
In the examination room, Sturgis St. Cloud made Sammy take off his shorts, then examined his throat. Sturgis informed Sammy that, despite all his failings as a doctor, the one thing he IS good at is treating speech impediments. Sturgis proclaimed that he could save Sammy with a uvula transplant…all he needs is to find a donor body.
The post-coital Rosie and Barney were basking in the rain on the rooftop and planning their future together. Barney confessed that he was having second thoughts, since he’d just started a new life as a doctor, and was hesitant to give that up to start yet another new life. When she replied that she couldn’t accept him if he wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifices she was, he got down on one knee, took off his shades for the first time, and asked her to marry him. She accepted.
Yummy Wampler regained consciousness just as Father Bob returned. Yummy was amazed to realize that she felt better than she had in years…all of her old ailments had cleared up. Father Bob realized that his penis had miraculous healing powers, and envisioned himself being declared a saint and having his penis preserved as a holy relic after his death.
Having followed the scent of “Rosie’s” body, Sturgis picked the lock to Vanessa’s apartment, followed by Sammy. After finding the body, Sturgis performed the uvula transplant right there with samurai-like skill. After the operation, Sammy spoke clearly (albeit with a high-pitched voice).
Corky was at the triage station when Yummy came in with a new spring in her step. Seeing a possible cure for Sammy’s brain tumor, Corky asked how she’d managed to clear up all her ailments. She cheerfully replied that Father Bob raped her.
In the chapel, Father Bob thanked God for the blessing of his miraculous powers. Corky arrived and asked Father Bob to cure Sammy with his “magic ding-dong.”
In the nurses’ lounge, Yummy was telling “Vanessa” how the day had been going (“We’ve had three deaths, two births, and then two more deaths”). “Vanessa” informed her about Barney’s proposal, and asked her to be her maid of honor. Just then, Father Bob entered, zipping up his pants and announcing that he’d revived those two women who died in childbirth.
As Sammy demonstrated his new voice to Corky, Corky examined him and remarked that somebody had replaced his uvula with a vulva. Corky then asked him if he was willing to endure something that would hurt in the short term, but would turn out for the good. Sammy didn’t understand, but agreed. Corky gave Sammy a drink, and Sammy immediately passed out. Corky left Sammy alone with Father Bob to work his magic, but Bob drunkenly passed out before he could do so. Sturgis St. Cloud entered to sneak a joint.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having killed Nurse Vanessa Goodhead (who’d been disguised as Rosie Jay) with an injection of Haitian zombie-serum, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference to assure the public that “Rosie” was doing fine. Sturgis also promised that he himself would save the terminally ill child who had just arrived at the hospital.
Meanwhile, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was admitting that patient, little Sammy Swanson. Sammy explained that he was suffering from the terminal speech imediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome (“the first symptom is that you can’t say it”).
In the bar, Father Bob Houdini was drinking himself into a stupor with grief over the deaths of Johnnie Cochran and Mitch Hedberg…oh yeah, and the impending death of the Pope. (Note: This episode was improvised before the Pope’s passing…not that that’s going to save us from going to Hell.)
Rosie Jay, disguised as Vanessa, stood beside the flatlining body of the real Vanessa. She thanked Vanessa for her sacrifice and for the opportunity to start a new life with Vanessa’s identity. The body began moving, and Rosie/Vanessa struggled to keep it down.
Sammy Swanson explained to Yummy that his parents had used his Make-a-Wish Foundation wish to take a Disneyland vacation for themselves, so he asked if she could grant his wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. The outlandishness of this request caused the overworked and overstressed Yummy to snap, and she lashed out with savage fury.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was trying to get Father Bob to eat. Father Bob lamented that John Paul II was the greatest Pope ever…in fact, he had superhuman powers. Barney said that it didn’t concern him, since he wasn’t Catholic. Bob pointed out that Barney had converted to Catholicism in prison, as revealed in the previous episode in a scene that was cut from the synopsis for space reasons.
“Vanessa” loaded “Rosie’s” body into the ambulance when Sturgis came in to sneak a joint. “Vanessa” informed him that she knew all about his cover-up of “Rosie’s” death, and had informed the press all about it. Sturgis smugly asked what proof she had, and she pointed to the body in the back.
Corky was still waiting for guidance in the chapel when Sammy Swanson ran in, fearing for his safety from Yummy’s rampage. Corky did a quick examination of Sammy, and assured him that he wouldn’t have to worry about his terminal speech impediment…the previously-undiagnosed brain tumor would kill him before then.
Meanwhile, Yummy was self-medicating in the supply closet. After she passed out, the drunken Father Bob staggered in and noticed her sprawled across the table. (“Well, Merry Christmas to me!”)
Rosie/“Vanessa” was in the real Vanessa’s apartment (with the body hidden under the couch) when Barney arrived. After sharing a drink, Barney informed her that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, then kissed her passionately. They decided to go off and start a new life together, then broke into a song and dance.
In the examination room, Sturgis St. Cloud made Sammy take off his shorts, then examined his throat. Sturgis informed Sammy that, despite all his failings as a doctor, the one thing he IS good at is treating speech impediments. Sturgis proclaimed that he could save Sammy with a uvula transplant…all he needs is to find a donor body.
The post-coital Rosie and Barney were basking in the rain on the rooftop and planning their future together. Barney confessed that he was having second thoughts, since he’d just started a new life as a doctor, and was hesitant to give that up to start yet another new life. When she replied that she couldn’t accept him if he wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifices she was, he got down on one knee, took off his shades for the first time, and asked her to marry him. She accepted.
Yummy Wampler regained consciousness just as Father Bob returned. Yummy was amazed to realize that she felt better than she had in years…all of her old ailments had cleared up. Father Bob realized that his penis had miraculous healing powers, and envisioned himself being declared a saint and having his penis preserved as a holy relic after his death.
Having followed the scent of “Rosie’s” body, Sturgis picked the lock to Vanessa’s apartment, followed by Sammy. After finding the body, Sturgis performed the uvula transplant right there with samurai-like skill. After the operation, Sammy spoke clearly (albeit with a high-pitched voice).
Corky was at the triage station when Yummy came in with a new spring in her step. Seeing a possible cure for Sammy’s brain tumor, Corky asked how she’d managed to clear up all her ailments. She cheerfully replied that Father Bob raped her.
In the chapel, Father Bob thanked God for the blessing of his miraculous powers. Corky arrived and asked Father Bob to cure Sammy with his “magic ding-dong.”
In the nurses’ lounge, Yummy was telling “Vanessa” how the day had been going (“We’ve had three deaths, two births, and then two more deaths”). “Vanessa” informed her about Barney’s proposal, and asked her to be her maid of honor. Just then, Father Bob entered, zipping up his pants and announcing that he’d revived those two women who died in childbirth.
As Sammy demonstrated his new voice to Corky, Corky examined him and remarked that somebody had replaced his uvula with a vulva. Corky then asked him if he was willing to endure something that would hurt in the short term, but would turn out for the good. Sammy didn’t understand, but agreed. Corky gave Sammy a drink, and Sammy immediately passed out. Corky left Sammy alone with Father Bob to work his magic, but Bob drunkenly passed out before he could do so. Sturgis St. Cloud entered to sneak a joint.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Season 10, Episode 7: The Uncomfortably Topical Episode
Episode 7: The Uncomfortably Topical Episode
Paramedic Rosie Jay lay in a coma, while Dr. Corky Howser and Nurse Vanessa Goodhead discussed her condition. Corky blamed Vanessa for this turn of events, arguing that it was Rosie’s argument with Vanessa that led her to huffing glue. Corky accused Vanessa of being as selfish and uncaring as Gargamel. After pointing out that Gargamel did have feelings for his cat, Vanessa pleaded with Corky to find a cure for comas.
In jail for assaulting hospital CEO Stern Boyer, Nurse Barney Kabob met his court-appointed lawyer, Wince Medler. Medler promised to get Barney off, in exchange for some information. After some vague, non-specific hints, Barney figured out that Medler wanted Barney to funnel all the hospital’s Medicare and Medicaid funds into a secret offshore account. Barney agreed, and arranged to make the exchange in a dark alley by the dumpster behind the hospital.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference regarding Rosie’s condition, informing the press that he planned to prevent such glue-sniffing tragedies by asking Congress to outlaw all adhesives.
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Father Bob Houdini were attending to Rosie and discussing her chances. Father Bob observed that, if she died on Good Friday, it would be sort of like having a birthday on Christmas, only the opposite. As Yummy forced some Cheetos through Rosie’s feeding tube, Rosie gradually came to.
Visiting Barney in his cell, Vanessa tried to explain that she now had a relationship with Stern Boyer, but eventually she gave into her emotions and kissed him passionately. Barney asked her to prove her love by killing Rosie Jay.
Sturgis was preparing for another press conference when Father Bob came in with the wonderful news of Rosie’s recovery. Sturgis angrily complained that Rosie’s coma was bringing much-needed attention and funds to the hospital, and that he’d wanted her to stay under for as long as he could exploit it. Father Bob suggested that they could maintain the publicity by putting her back into a coma and then “miraculously” bringing her out on Easter Sunday. Sturgis thought it would be an even better miracle if they actually killed her and brought her back.
During a Cheetos Therapy session with Yummy, the now-conscious Rosie Jay declared that she had no memory of her past or identity. Taking advantage of Rosie’s amnesia, Yummy introduced herself as the CEO of the hospital…and Rosie’s mother. She assured Rosie that, once she was up and around again, she’d be back to her usual routine of helping Yummy out at the hospital and covering shifts for her. She pulled Rosie up out of her wheelchair and began teaching her how to walk again, just like when she was a baby.
Released from jail, Barney met Wince Medler in the dark alley behind the hospital and presented him with the Medicare/Medicaid information. In exchange, Barney asked Wince to not only expunge his criminal record, but to erase ALL his records and give him an entirely new identity (only keeping the same name)…as a doctor.
Corky was about to his new coma cure on a different patient when Sturgis St. Cloud entered. Corky explained that his new formula, made from stem cells, nanotechnology, and apple juice, was sure to bring Rosie out of her coma. Sturgis asked to see Corky’s formula, then secretly switched syringes. The patient immediately flatlined when Corky gave him the injection.
Sturgis St. Cloud was waving out his window to the paparazzi when Wince Medler entered. Sturgis held a grudge against Wince due to his poor handling of Sturgis’ last divorce case, but agreed to listen to Wince’s latest proposal. Wince wanted a percentage of the hospital, in exchange for which he would build up its property value and then sell it for a huge profit, just like he did for Park Properties.
Vanessa Goodhead warned Rosie that Sturgis was planning to kill her. To save Rosie, Vanessa was willing to sacrifice herself by switching uniforms and making herself the target.
In the dark alley, Wince Medler informed Barney that he had expunged Barney’s criminal record and made him a doctor specializing in osteoporosis. Barney menacingly informed Wince that he no longer had any need of his services. However, Wince warned him that he’d anticipated a double-cross, so he had kept a record of Barney’s record. If anything happens to Wince, it gets released to the media.
Father Bob and Yummy Wampler had just forced their way through the paparazzi with a critically wounded patient for Corky, when Rosie entered, wearing Vanessa’s nurse uniform and imitating Vanessa’s seductive style. Inspired by her combination of dedication and sluttiness, Corky told “Vanessa” that he’d always loved her and not Rosie. Father Bob and Yummy joined in the insulting of Rosie, until “Vanessa” could no longer contain her outrage. She asked how Yummy could say such things about her own daughter. Confused, Bob and Corky pointed out that Yummy didn’t have any children.
Vanessa, dressed in Rosie’s EMT uniform, was waiting in the hospital room when Sturgis entered ominously. Sturgis noticed that “Rosie” was somehow sexier than before, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Sturgis asked Rosie if she’d ever seen “The Serpent and the Rainbow,” then pulled out a syringe of Haitian zombie-making fluid. When “Rosie” pointed out that she could never love him if he made her a zombie, Sturgis declared that he was just kinky enough to put that to the test.
At the triage station, “Vanessa” asked Yummy why she’d lied about being Rosie’s mother. Yummy explained that she was just so overworked, she thought she could get Rosie to cover some shifts out of family loyalty. “Vanessa” pointed out that if she needed some time off, all she had to do was take it. Just as Yummy agreed to go out to a movie and relax, she suddenly had a heart attack.
Barney came into the lounge, searching for answers to his problem. Corky suggested that Barney look to “The Smurfs” for inspiration, just as Retard Smurf told Hefty Smurf how he could get back at Lawyer Smurf. When Barney thanked Corky for helping him, Corky professed ignorance. Barney observed that Corky knew a lot more than he let on, and used his Down’s Syndrome to cover up his shrewdness. Realizing that Barney was onto him, Corky called in Wince Medler and accused Barney of sexual assault.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Paramedic Rosie Jay lay in a coma, while Dr. Corky Howser and Nurse Vanessa Goodhead discussed her condition. Corky blamed Vanessa for this turn of events, arguing that it was Rosie’s argument with Vanessa that led her to huffing glue. Corky accused Vanessa of being as selfish and uncaring as Gargamel. After pointing out that Gargamel did have feelings for his cat, Vanessa pleaded with Corky to find a cure for comas.
In jail for assaulting hospital CEO Stern Boyer, Nurse Barney Kabob met his court-appointed lawyer, Wince Medler. Medler promised to get Barney off, in exchange for some information. After some vague, non-specific hints, Barney figured out that Medler wanted Barney to funnel all the hospital’s Medicare and Medicaid funds into a secret offshore account. Barney agreed, and arranged to make the exchange in a dark alley by the dumpster behind the hospital.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference regarding Rosie’s condition, informing the press that he planned to prevent such glue-sniffing tragedies by asking Congress to outlaw all adhesives.
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Father Bob Houdini were attending to Rosie and discussing her chances. Father Bob observed that, if she died on Good Friday, it would be sort of like having a birthday on Christmas, only the opposite. As Yummy forced some Cheetos through Rosie’s feeding tube, Rosie gradually came to.
Visiting Barney in his cell, Vanessa tried to explain that she now had a relationship with Stern Boyer, but eventually she gave into her emotions and kissed him passionately. Barney asked her to prove her love by killing Rosie Jay.
Sturgis was preparing for another press conference when Father Bob came in with the wonderful news of Rosie’s recovery. Sturgis angrily complained that Rosie’s coma was bringing much-needed attention and funds to the hospital, and that he’d wanted her to stay under for as long as he could exploit it. Father Bob suggested that they could maintain the publicity by putting her back into a coma and then “miraculously” bringing her out on Easter Sunday. Sturgis thought it would be an even better miracle if they actually killed her and brought her back.
During a Cheetos Therapy session with Yummy, the now-conscious Rosie Jay declared that she had no memory of her past or identity. Taking advantage of Rosie’s amnesia, Yummy introduced herself as the CEO of the hospital…and Rosie’s mother. She assured Rosie that, once she was up and around again, she’d be back to her usual routine of helping Yummy out at the hospital and covering shifts for her. She pulled Rosie up out of her wheelchair and began teaching her how to walk again, just like when she was a baby.
Released from jail, Barney met Wince Medler in the dark alley behind the hospital and presented him with the Medicare/Medicaid information. In exchange, Barney asked Wince to not only expunge his criminal record, but to erase ALL his records and give him an entirely new identity (only keeping the same name)…as a doctor.
Corky was about to his new coma cure on a different patient when Sturgis St. Cloud entered. Corky explained that his new formula, made from stem cells, nanotechnology, and apple juice, was sure to bring Rosie out of her coma. Sturgis asked to see Corky’s formula, then secretly switched syringes. The patient immediately flatlined when Corky gave him the injection.
Sturgis St. Cloud was waving out his window to the paparazzi when Wince Medler entered. Sturgis held a grudge against Wince due to his poor handling of Sturgis’ last divorce case, but agreed to listen to Wince’s latest proposal. Wince wanted a percentage of the hospital, in exchange for which he would build up its property value and then sell it for a huge profit, just like he did for Park Properties.
Vanessa Goodhead warned Rosie that Sturgis was planning to kill her. To save Rosie, Vanessa was willing to sacrifice herself by switching uniforms and making herself the target.
In the dark alley, Wince Medler informed Barney that he had expunged Barney’s criminal record and made him a doctor specializing in osteoporosis. Barney menacingly informed Wince that he no longer had any need of his services. However, Wince warned him that he’d anticipated a double-cross, so he had kept a record of Barney’s record. If anything happens to Wince, it gets released to the media.
Father Bob and Yummy Wampler had just forced their way through the paparazzi with a critically wounded patient for Corky, when Rosie entered, wearing Vanessa’s nurse uniform and imitating Vanessa’s seductive style. Inspired by her combination of dedication and sluttiness, Corky told “Vanessa” that he’d always loved her and not Rosie. Father Bob and Yummy joined in the insulting of Rosie, until “Vanessa” could no longer contain her outrage. She asked how Yummy could say such things about her own daughter. Confused, Bob and Corky pointed out that Yummy didn’t have any children.
Vanessa, dressed in Rosie’s EMT uniform, was waiting in the hospital room when Sturgis entered ominously. Sturgis noticed that “Rosie” was somehow sexier than before, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Sturgis asked Rosie if she’d ever seen “The Serpent and the Rainbow,” then pulled out a syringe of Haitian zombie-making fluid. When “Rosie” pointed out that she could never love him if he made her a zombie, Sturgis declared that he was just kinky enough to put that to the test.
At the triage station, “Vanessa” asked Yummy why she’d lied about being Rosie’s mother. Yummy explained that she was just so overworked, she thought she could get Rosie to cover some shifts out of family loyalty. “Vanessa” pointed out that if she needed some time off, all she had to do was take it. Just as Yummy agreed to go out to a movie and relax, she suddenly had a heart attack.
Barney came into the lounge, searching for answers to his problem. Corky suggested that Barney look to “The Smurfs” for inspiration, just as Retard Smurf told Hefty Smurf how he could get back at Lawyer Smurf. When Barney thanked Corky for helping him, Corky professed ignorance. Barney observed that Corky knew a lot more than he let on, and used his Down’s Syndrome to cover up his shrewdness. Realizing that Barney was onto him, Corky called in Wince Medler and accused Barney of sexual assault.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, February 27, 2009
Season 10, Episode 6: Nip/Huff
Episode 6: Nip/Huff
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were discussing what to do with the profits from their illegal sales of the new wonder drug Cialaviaglevitra. After contemplating installing a chocolate river maintained by orange midgets, they decided to attract a more upscale clientele by refocusing the hospital’s resources on cosmetic surgery.
Rosie Jay was giving Vanessa a ride to her pedicure appointment. Vanessa complained that her feet were killing her because somebody had stolen her work shoes, forcing her to walk in high heels all day. When Rosie suggested that Corky might be the culprit, Vanessa became indignant that he’d do that after she let him touch her boobs. After hearing this, Rosie threw Vanessa out of the ambulance in a bad part of town.
Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” on a portable TV at the triage station when his old tormentor from school, Ray Ray McGurk, arrived.
On the loading dock, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler, Nurse Barney Kabob, and Father Bob Houdini were bringing in 2x4s for the construction of the new plastic surgery wing. As they complained about Sturgis’ new plans, they began wondering why they were helping to build the new wing instead of confronting him about it. Unfortunately, before they could resolve to take action, they got bogged down in the “if a tree falls in the forest” debate.
Nurse Vanessa Goodhead was walking through a bad part of town (in high heels) when a drunken Stern Boyer arrived. When he offered to help, she angrily reminded him of how he stood her up at the prom all those years ago, then slapped his face. The homeless people were thrilled to see violence against the rich.
On a high window-washer’s platform, Sturgis was overseeing the construction of the Joan Rivers Memorial Plastic Surgery Ward when Barney and Yummy confronted him. Yummy pointed out that, while he’s spending money on this new wing, there’s no oxygen in the nursery and babies are exploding. Shocked, Sturgis protested that he only wanted to increase profits so that the hospital could help more people, and didn’t realize what his policies were doing to the babies.
Corky and Ray Ray were catching up on old times in the Little Varsity Jr. Ray Ray explained that he was now with an insurance firm, and had come to help make the hospital safe. Rosie entered and confronted Corky about his touching Vanessa’s breasts. Distraught, Rosie cried out that she needed somebody to take her away from this madhouse. Ray Ray took her up on the offer.
Father Bob took confession from an audience member, then demanded that she get on her knees and repent.
As Rosie Jay poured out her heart at Ray Ray’s place, Ray Ray introduced her to the joys of sniffing glue. As she began huffing, her psychic powers kicked in and she had a vision of Yummy and Barney tying up Sturgis to force him to listen to reason. She was torn between her need to save the hospital and her drug-induced indifference.
Father Bob asked Sturgis to make some renovations to the chapel while they’re doing the construction, then suggested that the chocolate river could include a boat ride that climaxes with a film of a chicken getting its head chopped off. Changing the subject, Sturgis confided that he’d recently discovered his own conscience, and was disturbed to learn that his policies had led to exploding babies. (“You’re talking about the Maternity Vacuum?”) Sturgis explained that he thought that babies still breathed amniotic fluid and that oxygen was therefore an unnecessary expense. He asked Father Bob how he could become less selfish.
Vanessa and Stern were on the rooftop, watching the sunset. Stern apologized for his drunken insensitivity. (“You’re so good looking, sometimes I forget to have feelings for you.”) Vanessa began to leave, explaining that she had patients to take care of. Stern protested that he had a dying patient in his pants who needs her.
As Yummy was putting in drywall, Corky waxed enthusiastic about the new wing, declaring that the hospital would now be able to take care of that busload of poor kids that got burned in an accident. Yummy tried to explain to him that the new ward was being set aside for rich, vain people and not for those who really need it. Suddenly, Sturgis rushed in and announced that he’d had a change of heart. Not only was he opening the new ward to those poor kids, but he’d throw in breast implants for all of them.
Unaware of Sturgis’ new plans, Barney was preparing for revolution at the triage station. Suddenly, Rosie staggered in, hopped-up on glue fumes. As she began going into withdrawal, Barney demanded to know who had done this to her. She replied that she’d done it to herself, then fainted face-first into his lap. Gently stroking her hair (which fell off due to her glue abuse), Barney launched into a tender, rambling pastoral metaphor of his concern for her.
Stern Boyer was drowning his sorrows in the bar, complaining to Ray Ray about his troubles with Vanessa. (“Women are like cats, they scratch…and press charges.”) Suddenly, Barney came in and angrily threw the huffing-bag down on the floor to confront Ray Ray. Filled with drunken macho posturing, both Ray Ray and Stern scoffed at Barney’s accusation. Barney asked “If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s there, does anybody hear it?” Then he punched Stern in the face.
In the new burn ward, Corky was entertaining the kids by telling them about his favorite episodes of “Dragon Tales.” Vanessa entered and told him she would have to stop letting him touch her boobs, because their actions were hurting others that they care about. Corky protested that he loved her, and that he wanted to build a hut with her like the dragons…but now she’d burned down that hut. The kids started crying at the mention of “burning.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were discussing what to do with the profits from their illegal sales of the new wonder drug Cialaviaglevitra. After contemplating installing a chocolate river maintained by orange midgets, they decided to attract a more upscale clientele by refocusing the hospital’s resources on cosmetic surgery.
Rosie Jay was giving Vanessa a ride to her pedicure appointment. Vanessa complained that her feet were killing her because somebody had stolen her work shoes, forcing her to walk in high heels all day. When Rosie suggested that Corky might be the culprit, Vanessa became indignant that he’d do that after she let him touch her boobs. After hearing this, Rosie threw Vanessa out of the ambulance in a bad part of town.
Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” on a portable TV at the triage station when his old tormentor from school, Ray Ray McGurk, arrived.
On the loading dock, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler, Nurse Barney Kabob, and Father Bob Houdini were bringing in 2x4s for the construction of the new plastic surgery wing. As they complained about Sturgis’ new plans, they began wondering why they were helping to build the new wing instead of confronting him about it. Unfortunately, before they could resolve to take action, they got bogged down in the “if a tree falls in the forest” debate.
Nurse Vanessa Goodhead was walking through a bad part of town (in high heels) when a drunken Stern Boyer arrived. When he offered to help, she angrily reminded him of how he stood her up at the prom all those years ago, then slapped his face. The homeless people were thrilled to see violence against the rich.
On a high window-washer’s platform, Sturgis was overseeing the construction of the Joan Rivers Memorial Plastic Surgery Ward when Barney and Yummy confronted him. Yummy pointed out that, while he’s spending money on this new wing, there’s no oxygen in the nursery and babies are exploding. Shocked, Sturgis protested that he only wanted to increase profits so that the hospital could help more people, and didn’t realize what his policies were doing to the babies.
Corky and Ray Ray were catching up on old times in the Little Varsity Jr. Ray Ray explained that he was now with an insurance firm, and had come to help make the hospital safe. Rosie entered and confronted Corky about his touching Vanessa’s breasts. Distraught, Rosie cried out that she needed somebody to take her away from this madhouse. Ray Ray took her up on the offer.
Father Bob took confession from an audience member, then demanded that she get on her knees and repent.
As Rosie Jay poured out her heart at Ray Ray’s place, Ray Ray introduced her to the joys of sniffing glue. As she began huffing, her psychic powers kicked in and she had a vision of Yummy and Barney tying up Sturgis to force him to listen to reason. She was torn between her need to save the hospital and her drug-induced indifference.
Father Bob asked Sturgis to make some renovations to the chapel while they’re doing the construction, then suggested that the chocolate river could include a boat ride that climaxes with a film of a chicken getting its head chopped off. Changing the subject, Sturgis confided that he’d recently discovered his own conscience, and was disturbed to learn that his policies had led to exploding babies. (“You’re talking about the Maternity Vacuum?”) Sturgis explained that he thought that babies still breathed amniotic fluid and that oxygen was therefore an unnecessary expense. He asked Father Bob how he could become less selfish.
Vanessa and Stern were on the rooftop, watching the sunset. Stern apologized for his drunken insensitivity. (“You’re so good looking, sometimes I forget to have feelings for you.”) Vanessa began to leave, explaining that she had patients to take care of. Stern protested that he had a dying patient in his pants who needs her.
As Yummy was putting in drywall, Corky waxed enthusiastic about the new wing, declaring that the hospital would now be able to take care of that busload of poor kids that got burned in an accident. Yummy tried to explain to him that the new ward was being set aside for rich, vain people and not for those who really need it. Suddenly, Sturgis rushed in and announced that he’d had a change of heart. Not only was he opening the new ward to those poor kids, but he’d throw in breast implants for all of them.
Unaware of Sturgis’ new plans, Barney was preparing for revolution at the triage station. Suddenly, Rosie staggered in, hopped-up on glue fumes. As she began going into withdrawal, Barney demanded to know who had done this to her. She replied that she’d done it to herself, then fainted face-first into his lap. Gently stroking her hair (which fell off due to her glue abuse), Barney launched into a tender, rambling pastoral metaphor of his concern for her.
Stern Boyer was drowning his sorrows in the bar, complaining to Ray Ray about his troubles with Vanessa. (“Women are like cats, they scratch…and press charges.”) Suddenly, Barney came in and angrily threw the huffing-bag down on the floor to confront Ray Ray. Filled with drunken macho posturing, both Ray Ray and Stern scoffed at Barney’s accusation. Barney asked “If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s there, does anybody hear it?” Then he punched Stern in the face.
In the new burn ward, Corky was entertaining the kids by telling them about his favorite episodes of “Dragon Tales.” Vanessa entered and told him she would have to stop letting him touch her boobs, because their actions were hurting others that they care about. Corky protested that he loved her, and that he wanted to build a hut with her like the dragons…but now she’d burned down that hut. The kids started crying at the mention of “burning.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Season 10, Episode 4: Enter the Lithuanian
Episode 4: Enter the Lithuanian
To research his next role, Todd Baio was assisting Dr. Corky Howser in surgery. Corky questioned Todd about his acting career, and was thrilled to hear that Todd had worked on Corky’s favorite show “Dragon Tales.” However, when Todd explained that the show wasn’t real, just the product of writers and animators, Corky became disillusioned and stepped away from the patient. When Todd finally persuaded Corky to resume the surgery, Corky discovered that the patient’s appendix was already missing.
In the dispensary, Father Bob Houdini was looking for some Valium (“The Bible doesn’t say anything about prescription drugs!”) when Nurse Barney Kabob entered in his wheelchair. Barney told Father Bob that his misfortune had turned him against Jesus, then started messing with Bob’s mind until the chaplain didn’t know what to believe.
The great actress Svetlana Gorkytrotsky had come to the hospital all the way from Lithuania for a colon transplant. Nurse Vanessa Goodhead informed her that the colon was ready, then demanded up-front payment for the illicit operation. Svetlana threatened Vanessa and began ranting about Americans in general.
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was driving the ambulance while paramedic Rosie Jay took a rest in the passenger seat. Exhausted, Yummy passed the steering wheel over to Rosie, then passed out and flatlined (but only for a moment).
Todd Baio was in the hospital gift shop, considering a gift of Post-It Notes for his mother’s birthday. Vanessa entered, and they began reminiscing about the time they played “love-me-love-me-not” with a Post-It pad. They began arguing about their relationship and Todd’s responsibility for Barney’s paralysis. Suddenly, Vanessa noticed that the shop’s cash register was missing.
Corky was tearfully watching “Dragon Tales” in the nurses’ lounge when Barney wheeled in. Corky explained that he was sad because the dragons lied to him. Barney asked him what happens to a dragon that lies, and Corky replied that a big old Sasquatch beats them up. Barney explained that Todd Baio was the lying dragon who had put him in a wheelchair, and he needed Corky to be the Sasquatch that punishes him.
Yummy Wampler came to Svetlana’s room to check her vitals. As Yummy went about her business, Svetlana practiced her American accent by mimicking Yummy mercilessly. Suddenly, Yummy noticed that the vital-signs machine was missing. She wondered whether Todd might have taken it, since actors are essentially untrustworthy. This led Svetlana into a impassioned defense of the actor’s art, which ended with Svetlana embodying a tree.
Rosie was going over some paperwork at the triage station when Father Bob came by. She told him that she was thinking of quitting her job, because she was sick of all the carnage and death she encountered. The talk of carnage and death reminded Father Bob about Rosie’s own decapitated baby, and Rosie explained that Corky was working on reviving her. Father Bob consulted his Bible on the subject.
Wandering through the halls, Svetlana ran into Todd Baio, who was awestruck to see his acting idol. Svetlana commanded Todd to demonstrate his skills by being a dog. Svetlana was deeply disappointed by Todd’s performance.
In the nurses’ lounge, Corky noticed that the TV set was missing. Yummy entered, and Corky shared his concerns about the recent series of thefts…and on top of that, he’d run out of Chapstick. Yummy promised to investigate, and gave him her lipstick in the meantime.
Svetlana Gorkytrotsky was giving Todd some acting lessons in the chapel, instructing him to embody the number 465. To pay for his acting lessons, Todd had gathered some things he knew Svetlana needed: A colon and appendix, plus a vital-signs machine to monitor the operation, and a TV set to keep her occupied.
Rosie Jay was at the bar, drowning her sorrows and singing “Heartbreaker.” Barney wheeled in, and they spent some time commiserating and bickering. He told her about his plan to get revenge on Todd, and asked for her help.
Vanessa was at the triage station when Father Bob brought in a patient. After drawing a blood sample, Vanessa took his blood pressure by applying a sphygmomanometer to his crotch. She then gave him her phone number as a “prescription.”
Rosie was still drowning her sorrows at the bar when Corky entered with some good news: He had managed to gather enough stem cells to save her baby. Just then, Rosie’s baby entered…a disembodied head on a robotic platform. (“She’s even more beautiful than I remembered!”) Corky explained that this was only a temporary measure, until they could get a donor body.
Getting completely into character as a surgeon, Todd Baio was preparing to perform a colon transplant on Svetlana Gorkystrotsky, with Yummy Wampler assisting. Todd put Svetlana under by hitting her with a ladle (“One of these days, we’ll get in some anesthesiologists”), then began the operation by inserting the colon in Svetlana’s mouth while Yummy pulled it through the other end.
Barney rolled into the confessional and began railing against God (“Where are Your footprints now?”). When Father Bob responded, Barney mistook him for the voice of God, and Bob played along. Eventually, Barney admitted his own hatred and jealousy, and strained to reach up to God…and as he reached up, he rose to his feet.
In the nurses’ lounge, Corky began flirting with Vanessa, and she warned him not to break any of the rules of appropriate behavior they’d agreed on. Corky touched her breast, pointing out that the rules didn’t cover that.
TO BE CONTINUED…
To research his next role, Todd Baio was assisting Dr. Corky Howser in surgery. Corky questioned Todd about his acting career, and was thrilled to hear that Todd had worked on Corky’s favorite show “Dragon Tales.” However, when Todd explained that the show wasn’t real, just the product of writers and animators, Corky became disillusioned and stepped away from the patient. When Todd finally persuaded Corky to resume the surgery, Corky discovered that the patient’s appendix was already missing.
In the dispensary, Father Bob Houdini was looking for some Valium (“The Bible doesn’t say anything about prescription drugs!”) when Nurse Barney Kabob entered in his wheelchair. Barney told Father Bob that his misfortune had turned him against Jesus, then started messing with Bob’s mind until the chaplain didn’t know what to believe.
The great actress Svetlana Gorkytrotsky had come to the hospital all the way from Lithuania for a colon transplant. Nurse Vanessa Goodhead informed her that the colon was ready, then demanded up-front payment for the illicit operation. Svetlana threatened Vanessa and began ranting about Americans in general.
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was driving the ambulance while paramedic Rosie Jay took a rest in the passenger seat. Exhausted, Yummy passed the steering wheel over to Rosie, then passed out and flatlined (but only for a moment).
Todd Baio was in the hospital gift shop, considering a gift of Post-It Notes for his mother’s birthday. Vanessa entered, and they began reminiscing about the time they played “love-me-love-me-not” with a Post-It pad. They began arguing about their relationship and Todd’s responsibility for Barney’s paralysis. Suddenly, Vanessa noticed that the shop’s cash register was missing.
Corky was tearfully watching “Dragon Tales” in the nurses’ lounge when Barney wheeled in. Corky explained that he was sad because the dragons lied to him. Barney asked him what happens to a dragon that lies, and Corky replied that a big old Sasquatch beats them up. Barney explained that Todd Baio was the lying dragon who had put him in a wheelchair, and he needed Corky to be the Sasquatch that punishes him.
Yummy Wampler came to Svetlana’s room to check her vitals. As Yummy went about her business, Svetlana practiced her American accent by mimicking Yummy mercilessly. Suddenly, Yummy noticed that the vital-signs machine was missing. She wondered whether Todd might have taken it, since actors are essentially untrustworthy. This led Svetlana into a impassioned defense of the actor’s art, which ended with Svetlana embodying a tree.
Rosie was going over some paperwork at the triage station when Father Bob came by. She told him that she was thinking of quitting her job, because she was sick of all the carnage and death she encountered. The talk of carnage and death reminded Father Bob about Rosie’s own decapitated baby, and Rosie explained that Corky was working on reviving her. Father Bob consulted his Bible on the subject.
Wandering through the halls, Svetlana ran into Todd Baio, who was awestruck to see his acting idol. Svetlana commanded Todd to demonstrate his skills by being a dog. Svetlana was deeply disappointed by Todd’s performance.
In the nurses’ lounge, Corky noticed that the TV set was missing. Yummy entered, and Corky shared his concerns about the recent series of thefts…and on top of that, he’d run out of Chapstick. Yummy promised to investigate, and gave him her lipstick in the meantime.
Svetlana Gorkytrotsky was giving Todd some acting lessons in the chapel, instructing him to embody the number 465. To pay for his acting lessons, Todd had gathered some things he knew Svetlana needed: A colon and appendix, plus a vital-signs machine to monitor the operation, and a TV set to keep her occupied.
Rosie Jay was at the bar, drowning her sorrows and singing “Heartbreaker.” Barney wheeled in, and they spent some time commiserating and bickering. He told her about his plan to get revenge on Todd, and asked for her help.
Vanessa was at the triage station when Father Bob brought in a patient. After drawing a blood sample, Vanessa took his blood pressure by applying a sphygmomanometer to his crotch. She then gave him her phone number as a “prescription.”
Rosie was still drowning her sorrows at the bar when Corky entered with some good news: He had managed to gather enough stem cells to save her baby. Just then, Rosie’s baby entered…a disembodied head on a robotic platform. (“She’s even more beautiful than I remembered!”) Corky explained that this was only a temporary measure, until they could get a donor body.
Getting completely into character as a surgeon, Todd Baio was preparing to perform a colon transplant on Svetlana Gorkystrotsky, with Yummy Wampler assisting. Todd put Svetlana under by hitting her with a ladle (“One of these days, we’ll get in some anesthesiologists”), then began the operation by inserting the colon in Svetlana’s mouth while Yummy pulled it through the other end.
Barney rolled into the confessional and began railing against God (“Where are Your footprints now?”). When Father Bob responded, Barney mistook him for the voice of God, and Bob played along. Eventually, Barney admitted his own hatred and jealousy, and strained to reach up to God…and as he reached up, he rose to his feet.
In the nurses’ lounge, Corky began flirting with Vanessa, and she warned him not to break any of the rules of appropriate behavior they’d agreed on. Corky touched her breast, pointing out that the rules didn’t cover that.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Season 10, Episode 3: Surgeon General Warning
Episode 3: Surgeon General Warning
Paramedic Rosie Jay and Nurse Barney Kabob were in Rosie’s helicopter, flying in some supplies to combat the smallpox outbreak. Barney asked Rosie her opinion on euthanasia, then explained that he’d decided to kill everybody in the hospital who’d been infected. When Rosie objected to this plan, Barney decided that she’d been infected as well. Then he jumped out of the helicopter.
Todd Baio was in the chapel, contemplating his mortality, when former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop crawled in through the air duct. Koop explained that he’d come to fight the epidemic, then asked Todd if he’d been in contact with anybody outside the quarantine zone. Todd replied that the only people he’d seen were the audience at his current play…so, five people.
After barricading herself in the supply closet with Father Bob Houdini, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was wracked with guilt over her cowardice. Bob reassured her by opening his Bible and reading the parable of the lost little bear and the witch’s gingerbread house.
Dr. Corky Howser, the teen medical prodigy with Down’s Syndrome, was working on a cure when C. Everett Koop arrived. Corky showed Koop the research he’d done…but since Corky couldn’t write, all his notes were in picture form. Corky revealed the most important discovery he’d made: This particular strain of smallpox was man-made.
Rosie Jay was unloading the supplies from the helicopter when Yummy came up to the roof. Rosie suggested that they both get in the chopper and escape, but Yummy had 12 hours left on her shift and she was too dedicated to leave, even though her appendix had just burst. Rosie immediately began an emergency appendectomy.
Father Bob went to the Little Varsity Jr. and discovered Barney Kabob waiting for him. The paranoid Barney became convinced that Bob had the smallpox, and attempted to escape by pulling the ripcord on his parachute (even though he was indoors). When that didn’t work, Barney jumped out of the window and pulled the ripcord again.
Corky Howser explained his experimental cure to Todd Baio. To make up for his spreading the disease by violating quarantine, Todd volunteered to be the guinea pig. Corky injected the serum into Todd’s eye with his Fisher-Price syringe.
At a meeting of all the hospital staff, Yummy Wampler finally pointed out the obvious: In the weeks since they’d all been exposed to the outbreak, Corky was the only one who’d been affected. Corky suddenly realized that the strain wasn’t just man-made, it had been genetically engineered to strike the mentally challenged. C. Everett Koop confirmed that the strain was a secret government project, and that armed agents had surrounded the hospital to cover it up. Yummy suggested that they get a decoy to go out and act retarded to draw the agents’ fire, and everybody looked at Barney. Barney tried to escape by pulling the ripcord on his parachute.
After the meeting, Yummy Wampler was doing a quick check in the morgue when she recognized one of the bodies as Brenda, the countergirl from the Little Varsity Jr. Suddenly, Barney Kabob emerged from a freezer drawer where he’d been hiding. He confessed that he was terrified by the decoy assignment, and Yummy suddenly came up with a plan to “decoy the decoy” by disguising Brenda’s body as Barney.
Corky explained (in song) how C. Everett Koop had inspired him to overcome his Down’s Syndrome and become a doctor, but his mood shifted when he remembered reading rumors on the Internet that Koop secretly had a retarded child whom he kept in the basement out of shame. With a burst of mad crazy strength, Corky manhandled the former Surgeon General.
The heavily-armed Rosie Jay was making her way through the sewers as an escape route when she ran into Father Bob Houdini. As they faced off over their personal and ideological differences, Father Bob suddenly heard the voice of God, informing him that women AREN’T inherently evil, and that Rosie in particular was a good person despite her clairvoyant powers and frequent use of the F-word. God told Father Bob that Rosie was destined to save Corky’s life.
Propping up the disguised corpse and hiding behind it, Barney was drawing the government snipers’ fire when Todd rushed up onto the roof and informed him that Koop was behind the whole sinister plot. Barney was so stunned by this revelation that he dropped Brenda’s body…and was immediately cut down by the snipers.
Yummy discovered the critically-injured C. Everett Koop trying to treat himself. Koop confessed his misdeeds, and tried to make amends by offering her the antidote. Father Bob Houdini performed the last rites by having Koop choose a random page in the Bible, then reading from it. As Father Bob concluded the passage, C. Everett Koop died.
Still in the throes of his apelike rage, Corky rampaged through the hallway until Rosie managed to calm him down. Rosie noticed that Corky’s skin had cleared up…Corky’s serum had worked. Just then, Yummy rushed in with the antidote that Koop had given her, even though it was now unnecessary.
Preparing a funeral pyre for C. Everett Koop in the furnace room, Father Bob knelt down beside Koop’s body and peeled off his beard.
With the emergency past, Dr. Corky Howser reflected on the past few weeks and realized that he had to leave the hospital and make a name for himself in the outside world, for the sake of all retarded people. Father Bob arrived and presented him with Koop’s beard, as a sign of Corky’s passage to manhood. The spirit of C. Everett Koop looked down and gave Corky his blessing, telling him to wear his beard well.
Todd Baio was preparing a funeral pyre for Barney Kabob in the furnace room when Yummy Wampler arrived and saw Barney’s body. Rushing into action, Yummy attempted CPR and summoned Dr. Howser, who began performing mouth-to-mouth. Barney was revived by the trauma of man-kissing.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Paramedic Rosie Jay and Nurse Barney Kabob were in Rosie’s helicopter, flying in some supplies to combat the smallpox outbreak. Barney asked Rosie her opinion on euthanasia, then explained that he’d decided to kill everybody in the hospital who’d been infected. When Rosie objected to this plan, Barney decided that she’d been infected as well. Then he jumped out of the helicopter.
Todd Baio was in the chapel, contemplating his mortality, when former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop crawled in through the air duct. Koop explained that he’d come to fight the epidemic, then asked Todd if he’d been in contact with anybody outside the quarantine zone. Todd replied that the only people he’d seen were the audience at his current play…so, five people.
After barricading herself in the supply closet with Father Bob Houdini, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was wracked with guilt over her cowardice. Bob reassured her by opening his Bible and reading the parable of the lost little bear and the witch’s gingerbread house.
Dr. Corky Howser, the teen medical prodigy with Down’s Syndrome, was working on a cure when C. Everett Koop arrived. Corky showed Koop the research he’d done…but since Corky couldn’t write, all his notes were in picture form. Corky revealed the most important discovery he’d made: This particular strain of smallpox was man-made.
Rosie Jay was unloading the supplies from the helicopter when Yummy came up to the roof. Rosie suggested that they both get in the chopper and escape, but Yummy had 12 hours left on her shift and she was too dedicated to leave, even though her appendix had just burst. Rosie immediately began an emergency appendectomy.
Father Bob went to the Little Varsity Jr. and discovered Barney Kabob waiting for him. The paranoid Barney became convinced that Bob had the smallpox, and attempted to escape by pulling the ripcord on his parachute (even though he was indoors). When that didn’t work, Barney jumped out of the window and pulled the ripcord again.
Corky Howser explained his experimental cure to Todd Baio. To make up for his spreading the disease by violating quarantine, Todd volunteered to be the guinea pig. Corky injected the serum into Todd’s eye with his Fisher-Price syringe.
At a meeting of all the hospital staff, Yummy Wampler finally pointed out the obvious: In the weeks since they’d all been exposed to the outbreak, Corky was the only one who’d been affected. Corky suddenly realized that the strain wasn’t just man-made, it had been genetically engineered to strike the mentally challenged. C. Everett Koop confirmed that the strain was a secret government project, and that armed agents had surrounded the hospital to cover it up. Yummy suggested that they get a decoy to go out and act retarded to draw the agents’ fire, and everybody looked at Barney. Barney tried to escape by pulling the ripcord on his parachute.
After the meeting, Yummy Wampler was doing a quick check in the morgue when she recognized one of the bodies as Brenda, the countergirl from the Little Varsity Jr. Suddenly, Barney Kabob emerged from a freezer drawer where he’d been hiding. He confessed that he was terrified by the decoy assignment, and Yummy suddenly came up with a plan to “decoy the decoy” by disguising Brenda’s body as Barney.
Corky explained (in song) how C. Everett Koop had inspired him to overcome his Down’s Syndrome and become a doctor, but his mood shifted when he remembered reading rumors on the Internet that Koop secretly had a retarded child whom he kept in the basement out of shame. With a burst of mad crazy strength, Corky manhandled the former Surgeon General.
The heavily-armed Rosie Jay was making her way through the sewers as an escape route when she ran into Father Bob Houdini. As they faced off over their personal and ideological differences, Father Bob suddenly heard the voice of God, informing him that women AREN’T inherently evil, and that Rosie in particular was a good person despite her clairvoyant powers and frequent use of the F-word. God told Father Bob that Rosie was destined to save Corky’s life.
Propping up the disguised corpse and hiding behind it, Barney was drawing the government snipers’ fire when Todd rushed up onto the roof and informed him that Koop was behind the whole sinister plot. Barney was so stunned by this revelation that he dropped Brenda’s body…and was immediately cut down by the snipers.
Yummy discovered the critically-injured C. Everett Koop trying to treat himself. Koop confessed his misdeeds, and tried to make amends by offering her the antidote. Father Bob Houdini performed the last rites by having Koop choose a random page in the Bible, then reading from it. As Father Bob concluded the passage, C. Everett Koop died.
Still in the throes of his apelike rage, Corky rampaged through the hallway until Rosie managed to calm him down. Rosie noticed that Corky’s skin had cleared up…Corky’s serum had worked. Just then, Yummy rushed in with the antidote that Koop had given her, even though it was now unnecessary.
Preparing a funeral pyre for C. Everett Koop in the furnace room, Father Bob knelt down beside Koop’s body and peeled off his beard.
With the emergency past, Dr. Corky Howser reflected on the past few weeks and realized that he had to leave the hospital and make a name for himself in the outside world, for the sake of all retarded people. Father Bob arrived and presented him with Koop’s beard, as a sign of Corky’s passage to manhood. The spirit of C. Everett Koop looked down and gave Corky his blessing, telling him to wear his beard well.
Todd Baio was preparing a funeral pyre for Barney Kabob in the furnace room when Yummy Wampler arrived and saw Barney’s body. Rushing into action, Yummy attempted CPR and summoned Dr. Howser, who began performing mouth-to-mouth. Barney was revived by the trauma of man-kissing.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, February 23, 2009
Season 10, Episode 2: You Got the Cutest Little Baby Face
Episode 2: You Got the Cutest Little Baby Face
Going frantic since Father Bob Houdini confiscated her cell phone, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler attempted to make a phone out of Dixie Cups and surgical tubing. (Much to her surprise, it worked.) Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud entered and offered her his beeper as a substitute, but Yummy needed a voice to talk to. Changing the subject to the smallpox epidemic, Yummy remembered the last time smallpox struck the hospital, back when she was a candy striper…and only she survived. Sturgis was not worried, since the dangerously high Botox levels in his body rendered him immune.
Dr. Corky Howser, the Down’s Syndrome-afflicted teen medical prodigy, was preparing to treat his own smallpox, with Nurse Vanessa Goodhead assisting. Corky was concerned for her safety, but she informed him that she was safe…she’d found the hospital’s supply of smallpox vaccine and taken it all herself. After recovering from the shock of her selfishness, Corky realized he could devise an even more effective vaccine from her blood and Sturgis’. However, Vanessa refused to let him scar her body by drawing blood.
Todd Baio was doing some acting exercises in his apartment when his former girlfriend, paramedic Rosie Jay, entered. She demanded to know what he want he wanted from her in exchange for the return of her baby. He informed her that he wanted to use her visions of the future to help him manage his career, and see whether he would get an Oscar nomination for “Operation Undersea Operation.” Rosie agreed, then asked where her baby was. Todd revealed that he had the baby in his bag all along…at least, its head.
Nurse Barney Kabob was working out in the exercise room, coached by Father Bob Houdini. After the workout, Father Bob informed Barney that the hospital was beset by a demon, and asked Barney to help him deal with it.
Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference, attempting to persuade the public that smallpox was actually beneficial. Corky rushed in and informed Sturgis that he could actually save lives for once by donating his blood. Sturgis said that he would only help if Corky could help Sturgis salvage his reputation as a surgeon. Corky agreed to let Sturgis take the credit for his work.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Vanessa Goodhead asked Yummy the secret of her compassion and dedication. Vanessa explained that she wanted to be taken seriously as a nurse, and not just be thought of as the hospital skank. Then she went to go pick up a guy.
Father Bob was sitting in the confessional when Rosie Jay burst in and tearfully informed him that she was holding an infant’s head in her hands. Shocked, Father Bob stormed out of the booth and declared her to be “Mrs. Satan” and utterly irredeemable. First, he explained, she was a woman and therefore inherently evil, then she had demonic clairvoyant powers, and now she’d committed infanticide. She tried to explain that the decapitation was Todd Baio’s doing, but he wouldn’t hear any of it.
Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio in the hallway, knocking Todd over with a chair.
In the chapel, Father Bob was preparing his evil-hunting gear when Nurse Vanessa Goodhead came in and checked him for smallpox by examining his genitals. Appalled by her inherently evil feminine touch, Father Bob punched her in the face.
Yummy Wampler examined a patient from the audience. As she questioned him about his symptoms, Father Bob came by to administer last rites.
Rosie Jay attempted to leave the hospital when Dr. Corky Howser stopped her due to the quarantine. She explained that she needed to leave to give her baby’s head a proper burial. Moved by her tragedy, Corky offered to bring her baby back by putting the head on a new body. However, he would need a genetically compatible donor body…either her or, preferably, the father.
Sturgis St. Cloud was assuring Todd Baio that his work in the hospital would be invaluable to his acting career, explaining that the last actor who researched with them, Jorge Clooney, became the best fake doctor in Mexico. Fed up with Sturgis’ self-aggrandizing, Todd pointed out that Sturgis hadn’t noticed Todd coming and going despite the quarantine. They began fighting. After winning, Sturgis offered to teach Todd the secret of being popular despite his inadequacies.
In the examination room, Yummy Wampler was attending to Vanessa’s injured jaw. Since Vanessa couldn’t eat, Yummy ran an IV for her. Unfortunately, Vanessa’s fear of needles caused her to faint, hitting her head on the examination table in the process.
Todd Baio entered the supply closet for an “acting tutorial,” which was actually a ruse for Barney Kabob to ambush him and knock him over with a cart. Barney castigated Todd for violating the quarantine and spreading disease through the hospital, then attempted to handcuff him with some zip-ties (only to get his own hands caught in them instead). Todd explained that he had only spread illness in order to give Barney a challenge, to let him be the hero Todd knew he could be. Barney realized that Todd had a point, but knocked him down anyway.
Sturgis St. Cloud was apparently performing surgery, assisted by Rosie Jay. However, Corky was secretly standing behind Sturgis, acting as his arms and performing the operation himself. As Corky/Sturgis operated, Sturgis confided to Rosie that he was going to undergo experimental surgery himself soon, and that he might not make it. He told her how much he valued her work at the hospital, and offered her any favor she wanted if he pulls through. She asked him to dismiss Todd from the hospital.
Hoping to protect herself from the plague by barricading herself in the emergency room, Yummy Wampler was dragging the unconscious Vanessa to safety when she ran into Father Bob. When Yummy pleaded that Vanessa was injured, Bob explained that he’d hit her because she was inherently evil (being a woman). Yummy punched Father Bob in the face.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Going frantic since Father Bob Houdini confiscated her cell phone, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler attempted to make a phone out of Dixie Cups and surgical tubing. (Much to her surprise, it worked.) Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud entered and offered her his beeper as a substitute, but Yummy needed a voice to talk to. Changing the subject to the smallpox epidemic, Yummy remembered the last time smallpox struck the hospital, back when she was a candy striper…and only she survived. Sturgis was not worried, since the dangerously high Botox levels in his body rendered him immune.
Dr. Corky Howser, the Down’s Syndrome-afflicted teen medical prodigy, was preparing to treat his own smallpox, with Nurse Vanessa Goodhead assisting. Corky was concerned for her safety, but she informed him that she was safe…she’d found the hospital’s supply of smallpox vaccine and taken it all herself. After recovering from the shock of her selfishness, Corky realized he could devise an even more effective vaccine from her blood and Sturgis’. However, Vanessa refused to let him scar her body by drawing blood.
Todd Baio was doing some acting exercises in his apartment when his former girlfriend, paramedic Rosie Jay, entered. She demanded to know what he want he wanted from her in exchange for the return of her baby. He informed her that he wanted to use her visions of the future to help him manage his career, and see whether he would get an Oscar nomination for “Operation Undersea Operation.” Rosie agreed, then asked where her baby was. Todd revealed that he had the baby in his bag all along…at least, its head.
Nurse Barney Kabob was working out in the exercise room, coached by Father Bob Houdini. After the workout, Father Bob informed Barney that the hospital was beset by a demon, and asked Barney to help him deal with it.
Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference, attempting to persuade the public that smallpox was actually beneficial. Corky rushed in and informed Sturgis that he could actually save lives for once by donating his blood. Sturgis said that he would only help if Corky could help Sturgis salvage his reputation as a surgeon. Corky agreed to let Sturgis take the credit for his work.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Vanessa Goodhead asked Yummy the secret of her compassion and dedication. Vanessa explained that she wanted to be taken seriously as a nurse, and not just be thought of as the hospital skank. Then she went to go pick up a guy.
Father Bob was sitting in the confessional when Rosie Jay burst in and tearfully informed him that she was holding an infant’s head in her hands. Shocked, Father Bob stormed out of the booth and declared her to be “Mrs. Satan” and utterly irredeemable. First, he explained, she was a woman and therefore inherently evil, then she had demonic clairvoyant powers, and now she’d committed infanticide. She tried to explain that the decapitation was Todd Baio’s doing, but he wouldn’t hear any of it.
Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio in the hallway, knocking Todd over with a chair.
In the chapel, Father Bob was preparing his evil-hunting gear when Nurse Vanessa Goodhead came in and checked him for smallpox by examining his genitals. Appalled by her inherently evil feminine touch, Father Bob punched her in the face.
Yummy Wampler examined a patient from the audience. As she questioned him about his symptoms, Father Bob came by to administer last rites.
Rosie Jay attempted to leave the hospital when Dr. Corky Howser stopped her due to the quarantine. She explained that she needed to leave to give her baby’s head a proper burial. Moved by her tragedy, Corky offered to bring her baby back by putting the head on a new body. However, he would need a genetically compatible donor body…either her or, preferably, the father.
Sturgis St. Cloud was assuring Todd Baio that his work in the hospital would be invaluable to his acting career, explaining that the last actor who researched with them, Jorge Clooney, became the best fake doctor in Mexico. Fed up with Sturgis’ self-aggrandizing, Todd pointed out that Sturgis hadn’t noticed Todd coming and going despite the quarantine. They began fighting. After winning, Sturgis offered to teach Todd the secret of being popular despite his inadequacies.
In the examination room, Yummy Wampler was attending to Vanessa’s injured jaw. Since Vanessa couldn’t eat, Yummy ran an IV for her. Unfortunately, Vanessa’s fear of needles caused her to faint, hitting her head on the examination table in the process.
Todd Baio entered the supply closet for an “acting tutorial,” which was actually a ruse for Barney Kabob to ambush him and knock him over with a cart. Barney castigated Todd for violating the quarantine and spreading disease through the hospital, then attempted to handcuff him with some zip-ties (only to get his own hands caught in them instead). Todd explained that he had only spread illness in order to give Barney a challenge, to let him be the hero Todd knew he could be. Barney realized that Todd had a point, but knocked him down anyway.
Sturgis St. Cloud was apparently performing surgery, assisted by Rosie Jay. However, Corky was secretly standing behind Sturgis, acting as his arms and performing the operation himself. As Corky/Sturgis operated, Sturgis confided to Rosie that he was going to undergo experimental surgery himself soon, and that he might not make it. He told her how much he valued her work at the hospital, and offered her any favor she wanted if he pulls through. She asked him to dismiss Todd from the hospital.
Hoping to protect herself from the plague by barricading herself in the emergency room, Yummy Wampler was dragging the unconscious Vanessa to safety when she ran into Father Bob. When Yummy pleaded that Vanessa was injured, Bob explained that he’d hit her because she was inherently evil (being a woman). Yummy punched Father Bob in the face.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Season 10, Episode 1: The Best Medicine
A new season, new setting, new characters, new ways to offend...this time, SCANDAL! goes to a hospital.
Episode 1: The Best Medicine
In a little hospital in Little Five Points, in a long-unused storage unit, a mouse knocked a small vial off of a shelf…a vial labeled “smallpox.”
Meanwhile, at the hospital’s triage station, Nurse Barney Kabob was filling out some forms when paramedic Rosie Jay entered. After a brief conversation, they agreed to go out for dinner after work.
Dr. Corky Howser, the 15-year-old medical prodigy with Down’s Syndrome, handed some X-rays to Nurse Vanessa Goodhead, inadvertently brushing her breast with his elbow as he did so. As Corky apologized for the accident, Vanessa seductively asked if he’d like to do something not accidental. When he refused, she threatened to report him, but he pointed out that his condition makes him blameless for any accidents. (“I’m retarded; it’s like carte blanche.”)
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was restocking syringes when actor Todd Baio arrived. Todd had agreed to help out at the hospital while researching his next character, and Yummy had accepted his offer because they were understaffed. Inspired by her dedication, Todd declared that he would base his character on her, and reached out to stroke her hair (getting his lollipop stuck in the process).
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Father Bob Houdini, the hospital chaplain, were playing tic-tac-toe. Father Bob revealed that his skill was a result of his Catholic training, enabling him to see into people’s souls. Sturgis replied that, although he had been raised Presbymethodist, he had since turned away from religion and embraced the path of science. The debate began to get heated, but then they sat down to play again.
In the hospital snack bar, the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was telling Todd Baio about his date with Rosie. Barney was nervous, since he hadn’t been on a date with a woman in five years, having been in prison. Todd warned Barney that he had some history with Rosie, and knew that she was a dangerous woman.
After demonstrating his new technique for performing tracheotomies with Capri Sun straws, Dr. Corky Howser asked Sturgis St. Cloud for romantic advice. Sturgis recommended that he be bold and put on a show of bravado, but Corky protested that he was only 15 and had Down’s Syndrome. Sturgis told him not to let that stop him.
STURGIS: “I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’ Literally. I had it omitted from my education so that it wouldn’t hold me back.”
Father Bob Houdini was taking a ride-along in the ambulance with Rosie Jay. Taking the bullhorn, Father Bob jokingly called out to the sky: “Are you there, God? It’s me and Margaret”…then segued into his own bizarre theological theory of the purpose of menstruation. After waiting patiently for him to finish, Rosie asked Father Bob for some advice, explaining that she’d been having visions of the future.
Nurse Vanessa Goodhead brought in a patient to see Yummy Wampler. As Yummy was distracted by a phone call, Vanessa gave the patient a prescription of her own…a hot shower with her.
Corky came to Father Bob’s confessional booth for the first time (since his condition had granted him a blameless life until now). After confessing that he had touched a lady’s booby and that he’d like to do it again, Father Bob pointed out that he was still committing the sin of impure thoughts, and that filthy thoughts hurt God so much, they make God poop Himself…and nobody wants that.
Rosie Jay was in her apartment when Barney arrived for their date. After a bit of conversation (interrupted by the periodic snorting of a pet pig), Barney asked her about her history with Todd Baio. Rosie admitted that they’d had a relationship, but it ended when Todd took her baby from her. She asked Barney to help her get her baby back.
Sturgis St. Cloud was in surgery with Yummy Wampler, who complained that the hospital was losing patients due to the lack of rubber gloves. Sturgis replied that there was no room in the budget for such an expense, then cheered her up by carving a portrait of her in the patient’s abdomen.
In the morgue, Todd Baio was giving Vanessa Goodhead a demonstration of his new nurse character. As he performed, Vanessa posed seductively on top of the body until something snapped.
Rosie Jay and Corky were playing jacks on the roof when Corky complained of “itchy freckles.” After a quick examination, Rosie realized that those weren’t itchy freckles…they were smallpox! Initially disbelieving her diagnosis, Corky soon realized that there was only one doctor in this hospital capable of treating smallpox…namely, himself.
Due to the staff shortage, Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Father Bob came in for a chili cheese dog. As Yummy took an emergency phone call, Bob warned her that the stress and overwork were taking a toll on her health. Telling her that she had to put herself ahead of the hospital for once, Bob confiscated her cell phone and told her to take some time for herself. She had no idea what to do.
In the parking lot, Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio about Rosie’s baby. Todd confessed that he had used his relationship with Rosie to get a foot in the door in showbiz…he’d taken the baby to Tokyo and traded it for acting lessons.
Later, Dr. Sturgis St. Cloud called a staff meeting and announced that there was a smallpox epidemic. Suddenly, Barney Kabob fainted.
STURGIS: “It’s all right, he doesn’t have smallpox. He’s just a pussy.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 1: The Best Medicine
In a little hospital in Little Five Points, in a long-unused storage unit, a mouse knocked a small vial off of a shelf…a vial labeled “smallpox.”
Meanwhile, at the hospital’s triage station, Nurse Barney Kabob was filling out some forms when paramedic Rosie Jay entered. After a brief conversation, they agreed to go out for dinner after work.
Dr. Corky Howser, the 15-year-old medical prodigy with Down’s Syndrome, handed some X-rays to Nurse Vanessa Goodhead, inadvertently brushing her breast with his elbow as he did so. As Corky apologized for the accident, Vanessa seductively asked if he’d like to do something not accidental. When he refused, she threatened to report him, but he pointed out that his condition makes him blameless for any accidents. (“I’m retarded; it’s like carte blanche.”)
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was restocking syringes when actor Todd Baio arrived. Todd had agreed to help out at the hospital while researching his next character, and Yummy had accepted his offer because they were understaffed. Inspired by her dedication, Todd declared that he would base his character on her, and reached out to stroke her hair (getting his lollipop stuck in the process).
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Father Bob Houdini, the hospital chaplain, were playing tic-tac-toe. Father Bob revealed that his skill was a result of his Catholic training, enabling him to see into people’s souls. Sturgis replied that, although he had been raised Presbymethodist, he had since turned away from religion and embraced the path of science. The debate began to get heated, but then they sat down to play again.
In the hospital snack bar, the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was telling Todd Baio about his date with Rosie. Barney was nervous, since he hadn’t been on a date with a woman in five years, having been in prison. Todd warned Barney that he had some history with Rosie, and knew that she was a dangerous woman.
After demonstrating his new technique for performing tracheotomies with Capri Sun straws, Dr. Corky Howser asked Sturgis St. Cloud for romantic advice. Sturgis recommended that he be bold and put on a show of bravado, but Corky protested that he was only 15 and had Down’s Syndrome. Sturgis told him not to let that stop him.
STURGIS: “I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’ Literally. I had it omitted from my education so that it wouldn’t hold me back.”
Father Bob Houdini was taking a ride-along in the ambulance with Rosie Jay. Taking the bullhorn, Father Bob jokingly called out to the sky: “Are you there, God? It’s me and Margaret”…then segued into his own bizarre theological theory of the purpose of menstruation. After waiting patiently for him to finish, Rosie asked Father Bob for some advice, explaining that she’d been having visions of the future.
Nurse Vanessa Goodhead brought in a patient to see Yummy Wampler. As Yummy was distracted by a phone call, Vanessa gave the patient a prescription of her own…a hot shower with her.
Corky came to Father Bob’s confessional booth for the first time (since his condition had granted him a blameless life until now). After confessing that he had touched a lady’s booby and that he’d like to do it again, Father Bob pointed out that he was still committing the sin of impure thoughts, and that filthy thoughts hurt God so much, they make God poop Himself…and nobody wants that.
Rosie Jay was in her apartment when Barney arrived for their date. After a bit of conversation (interrupted by the periodic snorting of a pet pig), Barney asked her about her history with Todd Baio. Rosie admitted that they’d had a relationship, but it ended when Todd took her baby from her. She asked Barney to help her get her baby back.
Sturgis St. Cloud was in surgery with Yummy Wampler, who complained that the hospital was losing patients due to the lack of rubber gloves. Sturgis replied that there was no room in the budget for such an expense, then cheered her up by carving a portrait of her in the patient’s abdomen.
In the morgue, Todd Baio was giving Vanessa Goodhead a demonstration of his new nurse character. As he performed, Vanessa posed seductively on top of the body until something snapped.
Rosie Jay and Corky were playing jacks on the roof when Corky complained of “itchy freckles.” After a quick examination, Rosie realized that those weren’t itchy freckles…they were smallpox! Initially disbelieving her diagnosis, Corky soon realized that there was only one doctor in this hospital capable of treating smallpox…namely, himself.
Due to the staff shortage, Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Father Bob came in for a chili cheese dog. As Yummy took an emergency phone call, Bob warned her that the stress and overwork were taking a toll on her health. Telling her that she had to put herself ahead of the hospital for once, Bob confiscated her cell phone and told her to take some time for herself. She had no idea what to do.
In the parking lot, Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio about Rosie’s baby. Todd confessed that he had used his relationship with Rosie to get a foot in the door in showbiz…he’d taken the baby to Tokyo and traded it for acting lessons.
Later, Dr. Sturgis St. Cloud called a staff meeting and announced that there was a smallpox epidemic. Suddenly, Barney Kabob fainted.
STURGIS: “It’s all right, he doesn’t have smallpox. He’s just a pussy.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
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