Episode 10: Knowing One’s Ass from One’s Elbow
In the garage, paramedic Rosie Jay (disguised as Nurse Vanessa Goodhead) was nostalgically looking over her old ambulance when she discovered little Sammy Swanson hiding in the back. She offered to let the dying boy drive the ambulance, though he needed to sit on her lap while she worked the pedals. Afterwards, Sammy thanked her for her kindness, but lamented that nobody was working on granting him his dying wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. “Vanessa” offered to get a papier-mâché horse and dress up like Michael Jordan, then they could pretend they’re on the moon. Sammy found this offer incredibly lame.
Dr. Corky Howser introduced the hospital’s newest employee, a 6’3” talking chicken whom he’d brought in to entertain the children.
Former Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was drinking in the bar while baseball great Two-Shoes Blair recounted the story of how Babe Ruth cracked the Liberty Bell. Sturgis then told Two-Shoes that he’d been fired from the hospital. Two-Shoes offered his sympathies, and they danced to James Ingram’s “Just Once.”
Due to the staff shortage, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Cluckles the 6’3” chicken were performing surgery on a patient, with predictably fatal results.
As Sammy lamented that his parents had just dropped him off while they enjoyed the Disneyland vacation from the Make-a-Wish Foundation, “Vanessa” offered to take him in at her apartment. Sammy thanked her, then confided that he thought he’d developed another illness in addition to his terminal speech impediment and brain tumor. He explained that his body had been going through some weird changes, so Rosie presented a montage explaining all about puberty.
Sturgis went to Yummy Wampler to ask for help in getting his job back. When Yummy gloated about his getting what he deserved, Sturgis suggested that she look on the computer and check the “Yummy’s Retirement Fund” folder. He explained that he’d been diverting money from the hospital for all those years to secretly reward her…but if he’s fired from the hospital, she’d never be able to access it. Yummy agreed to get him reinstated.
Cluckles was signing the discharge papers so Sammy could go home with “Vanessa.” Suddenly, Cluckles broke down and cried over the patient he lost. Sammy reassured him: “You’re not a god, you’re just a chicken.”
Two-Shoes Blair burst into Dr. Corky Howser’s office and reminded him about an operation he performed three years ago: Two-Shoes’ mother came in for a liver transplant, and Corky replaced her liver with a kidney instead. Now, he’d come for revenge. In response, Corky reminded Two-Shoes about another operation he’d done one year ago: When Two-Shoes was injured in a game, Corky implanted a secret control chip in his elbow…and now, Corky could control Two-Shoes’ right arm with a telephone.
At “Vanessa’s” apartment, Sammy turned on the TV and stumbled onto a porn channel. When “Vanessa” came in, she immediately shut it off, then explained that there’s no love in those movies like there should be. She told him that she had another surprise for him…then she brought in a horse, a jersey, and a space helmet.
Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” in the nurses’ lounge when Yummy entered and asked him to re-hire Sturgis. When Corky asked what was in it for him, Yummy offered to divert hospital funds to get Corky an endless supply of Chapstick. Corky agreed.
Cluckles was swimming in the exercise pool when Two-Shoes Blair entered. When Two-Shoes recognized Cluckles as the San Diego Chicken, Cluckles explained that he’d decided to take a break and scale back his career into smaller venues. Suddenly, the chip in Two-Shoes’ elbow took control, causing Two-Shoes to grab his own crotch.
Sturgis St. Cloud and “Vanessa” met in the park for a game of horseshoes and a discussion. He revealed that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, and she confronted him about his attempt on her life. He protested that he never intended to kill her, but only make it look as though she was dead for a few days. In the heat of their argument, he confessed that he found her irresistible. He kissed her, she slapped him, and he grabbed her to carry her off. Rosie’s skirt got hiked up in the struggle, just in time for little Sammy to arrive and see her ass.
Two-Shoes Blair, accompanied by Cluckles, went to see Yummy Wampler to plead for some experimental arm-numbing medication. Two-Shoes’ arm went out of control and groped Yummy…so what was Cluckles’ excuse for doing the same?
Sammy rushed into Corky’s office and told him that he’d seen Sturgis abducting “Vanessa” (and had seen her butt in the process), but that Sturgis had called her “Rosie” while he was doing it. Realizing that Rosie was still alive, Corky swore to rescue the woman he loved. Corky declared that, while Sammy had only a few hours to live, Sturgis was going to die even sooner.
Yummy gave Two-Shoes a dose of an experimental medicine to bring his arm under control, then warned him that the drug might be hard on a man his age. Two-Shoes suddenly collapsed, knocking over the table.
Sturgis was holding Rosie hostage on the roof when Corky burst in. Pushing Rosie away, Sturgis reminded Corky that he’d protected Corky from lawsuits and financial ruin for all his time at the hospital…protection that the retarded teenage doctor couldn’t give himself once he’s in charge. Suddenly, Two-Shoes Blair and Sammy Swanson burst in. Grabbing a telephone, Corky took control of Two-Shoes’ arm and forced him to grab Sturgis by the throat. Gasping for breath, Sturgis issued a warning to Corky:
STURGIS: “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown! I’m also…your father! No, that’s not true…I just know how much you love Star Wars.”
At that point, Corky made Two-Shoes drop Sturgis off the roof.
TO BE CONCLUDED…
Showing posts with label sturgis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sturgis. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Season 10, Episode 9: Circus of Horrors
Episode 9: Circus of Horrors
Rosie Jay (still masquerading as the late Vanessa Goodhead) and Barney Kabob were in the ambulance, driving to pick out engagement rings and discussing their future together. Rosie envisioned raising three kids, and Barney suggested that they get a dog instead. Eventually, they settled on a compromise: one large dog or two small ones for each child they have. Suddenly, an emergency call came over the radio announcing that a circus train had derailed.
The young patient Sammy Swanson, having suffered a relapse of his terminal speech impediment, was sitting in his hospital room when baseball legend Two-Shoes Blair entered. Two-Shoes explained that he’d come to the hospital to brighten up Sammy’s dying days. He presented Sammy with a dog (whom Sammy named Scrapples) and a jock-cup, then explained that Sammy could summon him at any time by rubbing the cup.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Dr. Corky Howser were playing pool in the hospital’s bar, The Rusty Scalpel. Sturgis apologized for overworking Corky, explaining that he was just trying motivate Corky into the best retarded doctor he could be. He offered to be Corky’s father figure, then gave him some papers to sign (or at least mark) making it official. Suddenly, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler rushed in with news of the circus train crash.
Father Bob, who had let his newly-discovered healing powers go to his head and had taken to wearing a white robe, was admitting an injured elephant at the triage station. Attorney Wince Medler entered and offered to get the elephant a huge pain-and-suffering settlement. Father Bob explained that there would be no pain and suffering to repay after he uses his magic dick to heal all the injured people and animals. Medler countered that suing, not healing, is what brings in the money.
While treating an injured monkey, Corky explained to Rosie/“Vanessa” that he’d come to realize that he truly loved Rosie, and since she was dead now, she’d never know how he really felt. “Vanessa” assured him that Rosie was hearing every word he said. Corky said that, as a man of science (or at least a retarded teen of science), he couldn’t believe that. He lamented that he would never know love again.
While operating on an injured clown, Barney Kabob confided to Yummy Wampler that he was nervous about his upcoming wedding. Yummy warned him that wedding jitters could have disastrous consequences…and could even lead to death. Barney frantically asked her what she meant by that, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.
Sammy Swanson and Two-Shoes Blair ran into Wince Medler, who warned Sammy not to put his faith in “Steroid” Blair. As Two-Shoes professed his innocence, Sturgis came by and handed him his steroid prescription. Disillusioned, Sammy ran off in tears. When Two-Shoes threatened Wince for exposing him, Wince explained that he could offer him a new undetectable steroid that could land him a slot on the National Nationals.
Up on the roof, Sammy was contemplating his lost innocence when Sturgis St. Cloud walked up. Sturgis explained that, since his attempt to save Sammy’s life had failed, he would now help Sammy pack as much living as possible into his last days. In other words: PARTY!!!!
A panicked Yummy ran through the halls, shouting that the circus’ lions and stilt-walkers had escaped. Rosie grabbed a stun-gun from the supply closet and prepared to patrol the hospital. Corky entered, and the startled Rosie immediately stunned him.
Barney Kabob and Father Bob had barricaded themselves in the Little Varsity Jr., trying to hold the lions at bay. Father Bob announced that he would go out and face the lions like the Christians of old, with faith that his holy powers would protect him. Immediately after he left, horrible screams filled the air, and Bob’s robe and collar came flying through the door.
In the pediatric wing, Wince Medler and Two-Shoes Blair comforted the children by singing a song about the subjects they knew best: drugs and hookers.
Sturgis took Sammy on a double-date with a couple of girls they had rescued from the animals. Sturgis tried to hit his date up for some gratitude sex, but they were more interested in watching “The Iron Giant” with Sammy.
As Yummy treated his stun-gun injury, Corky informed her that Sturgis had drawn up some adoption papers for him earlier…and since the leadership of the hospital had been passed down through the St. Cloud family for generations, that meant that he could now wrest control from Sturgis. Yummy was thrilled by this news, until Corky informed her that he’d have her working harder and longer shifts than ever before, since she’d been part of the system that exploited his Down’s Syndrome and only paid him in apple slices and Tortino’s pizza rolls.
Rosie and Barney were patrolling the hospital, stunning animals left and right. Barney told her that the danger had made him realize how much he wanted her in his life, and erased the doubts he was having about marriage.
After a montage of partying, Sammy thanked Sturgis for showing him such a good time in his last days. Sturgis comforted Sammy by comparing death to the ending of “The Iron Giant,” explaining that his soul would explode into a million pieces then draw itself back together.
Afterwards, Sturgis told Corky how good he felt about finally doing something good for a patient. Corky complimented him on developing a bedside manner, than handed him his pink slip. Sturgis agreed to clean out his desk, but warned Corky that he’d regret this.
With Corky gone mad with power, Yummy consulted Wince Medler to see if he could break the contract. Medler agreed to help her if she’d serve as his maid for two weeks.
Sammy was searching for his dog Scrapples when a giant circus crocodile suddenly appeared and ate Scrapples. Terrified, Sammy rubbed the magic jock-cup, and Two-Shoes Blair rushed in to the rescue, killing the crocodile by jamming a baseball down its throat after an intense battle. Sammy thanked Two-Shoes for restoring his faith in him, and Two-Shoes promised to hit two home runs in his next game…one for Sammy, and one for Scrapples.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Rosie Jay (still masquerading as the late Vanessa Goodhead) and Barney Kabob were in the ambulance, driving to pick out engagement rings and discussing their future together. Rosie envisioned raising three kids, and Barney suggested that they get a dog instead. Eventually, they settled on a compromise: one large dog or two small ones for each child they have. Suddenly, an emergency call came over the radio announcing that a circus train had derailed.
The young patient Sammy Swanson, having suffered a relapse of his terminal speech impediment, was sitting in his hospital room when baseball legend Two-Shoes Blair entered. Two-Shoes explained that he’d come to the hospital to brighten up Sammy’s dying days. He presented Sammy with a dog (whom Sammy named Scrapples) and a jock-cup, then explained that Sammy could summon him at any time by rubbing the cup.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Dr. Corky Howser were playing pool in the hospital’s bar, The Rusty Scalpel. Sturgis apologized for overworking Corky, explaining that he was just trying motivate Corky into the best retarded doctor he could be. He offered to be Corky’s father figure, then gave him some papers to sign (or at least mark) making it official. Suddenly, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler rushed in with news of the circus train crash.
Father Bob, who had let his newly-discovered healing powers go to his head and had taken to wearing a white robe, was admitting an injured elephant at the triage station. Attorney Wince Medler entered and offered to get the elephant a huge pain-and-suffering settlement. Father Bob explained that there would be no pain and suffering to repay after he uses his magic dick to heal all the injured people and animals. Medler countered that suing, not healing, is what brings in the money.
While treating an injured monkey, Corky explained to Rosie/“Vanessa” that he’d come to realize that he truly loved Rosie, and since she was dead now, she’d never know how he really felt. “Vanessa” assured him that Rosie was hearing every word he said. Corky said that, as a man of science (or at least a retarded teen of science), he couldn’t believe that. He lamented that he would never know love again.
While operating on an injured clown, Barney Kabob confided to Yummy Wampler that he was nervous about his upcoming wedding. Yummy warned him that wedding jitters could have disastrous consequences…and could even lead to death. Barney frantically asked her what she meant by that, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.
Sammy Swanson and Two-Shoes Blair ran into Wince Medler, who warned Sammy not to put his faith in “Steroid” Blair. As Two-Shoes professed his innocence, Sturgis came by and handed him his steroid prescription. Disillusioned, Sammy ran off in tears. When Two-Shoes threatened Wince for exposing him, Wince explained that he could offer him a new undetectable steroid that could land him a slot on the National Nationals.
Up on the roof, Sammy was contemplating his lost innocence when Sturgis St. Cloud walked up. Sturgis explained that, since his attempt to save Sammy’s life had failed, he would now help Sammy pack as much living as possible into his last days. In other words: PARTY!!!!
A panicked Yummy ran through the halls, shouting that the circus’ lions and stilt-walkers had escaped. Rosie grabbed a stun-gun from the supply closet and prepared to patrol the hospital. Corky entered, and the startled Rosie immediately stunned him.
Barney Kabob and Father Bob had barricaded themselves in the Little Varsity Jr., trying to hold the lions at bay. Father Bob announced that he would go out and face the lions like the Christians of old, with faith that his holy powers would protect him. Immediately after he left, horrible screams filled the air, and Bob’s robe and collar came flying through the door.
In the pediatric wing, Wince Medler and Two-Shoes Blair comforted the children by singing a song about the subjects they knew best: drugs and hookers.
Sturgis took Sammy on a double-date with a couple of girls they had rescued from the animals. Sturgis tried to hit his date up for some gratitude sex, but they were more interested in watching “The Iron Giant” with Sammy.
As Yummy treated his stun-gun injury, Corky informed her that Sturgis had drawn up some adoption papers for him earlier…and since the leadership of the hospital had been passed down through the St. Cloud family for generations, that meant that he could now wrest control from Sturgis. Yummy was thrilled by this news, until Corky informed her that he’d have her working harder and longer shifts than ever before, since she’d been part of the system that exploited his Down’s Syndrome and only paid him in apple slices and Tortino’s pizza rolls.
Rosie and Barney were patrolling the hospital, stunning animals left and right. Barney told her that the danger had made him realize how much he wanted her in his life, and erased the doubts he was having about marriage.
After a montage of partying, Sammy thanked Sturgis for showing him such a good time in his last days. Sturgis comforted Sammy by comparing death to the ending of “The Iron Giant,” explaining that his soul would explode into a million pieces then draw itself back together.
Afterwards, Sturgis told Corky how good he felt about finally doing something good for a patient. Corky complimented him on developing a bedside manner, than handed him his pink slip. Sturgis agreed to clean out his desk, but warned Corky that he’d regret this.
With Corky gone mad with power, Yummy consulted Wince Medler to see if he could break the contract. Medler agreed to help her if she’d serve as his maid for two weeks.
Sammy was searching for his dog Scrapples when a giant circus crocodile suddenly appeared and ate Scrapples. Terrified, Sammy rubbed the magic jock-cup, and Two-Shoes Blair rushed in to the rescue, killing the crocodile by jamming a baseball down its throat after an intense battle. Sammy thanked Two-Shoes for restoring his faith in him, and Two-Shoes promised to hit two home runs in his next game…one for Sammy, and one for Scrapples.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Season 10, Episode 8: I Fear for My Safety
Episode 8: I Fear for My Safety
Having killed Nurse Vanessa Goodhead (who’d been disguised as Rosie Jay) with an injection of Haitian zombie-serum, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference to assure the public that “Rosie” was doing fine. Sturgis also promised that he himself would save the terminally ill child who had just arrived at the hospital.
Meanwhile, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was admitting that patient, little Sammy Swanson. Sammy explained that he was suffering from the terminal speech imediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome (“the first symptom is that you can’t say it”).
In the bar, Father Bob Houdini was drinking himself into a stupor with grief over the deaths of Johnnie Cochran and Mitch Hedberg…oh yeah, and the impending death of the Pope. (Note: This episode was improvised before the Pope’s passing…not that that’s going to save us from going to Hell.)
Rosie Jay, disguised as Vanessa, stood beside the flatlining body of the real Vanessa. She thanked Vanessa for her sacrifice and for the opportunity to start a new life with Vanessa’s identity. The body began moving, and Rosie/Vanessa struggled to keep it down.
Sammy Swanson explained to Yummy that his parents had used his Make-a-Wish Foundation wish to take a Disneyland vacation for themselves, so he asked if she could grant his wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. The outlandishness of this request caused the overworked and overstressed Yummy to snap, and she lashed out with savage fury.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was trying to get Father Bob to eat. Father Bob lamented that John Paul II was the greatest Pope ever…in fact, he had superhuman powers. Barney said that it didn’t concern him, since he wasn’t Catholic. Bob pointed out that Barney had converted to Catholicism in prison, as revealed in the previous episode in a scene that was cut from the synopsis for space reasons.
“Vanessa” loaded “Rosie’s” body into the ambulance when Sturgis came in to sneak a joint. “Vanessa” informed him that she knew all about his cover-up of “Rosie’s” death, and had informed the press all about it. Sturgis smugly asked what proof she had, and she pointed to the body in the back.
Corky was still waiting for guidance in the chapel when Sammy Swanson ran in, fearing for his safety from Yummy’s rampage. Corky did a quick examination of Sammy, and assured him that he wouldn’t have to worry about his terminal speech impediment…the previously-undiagnosed brain tumor would kill him before then.
Meanwhile, Yummy was self-medicating in the supply closet. After she passed out, the drunken Father Bob staggered in and noticed her sprawled across the table. (“Well, Merry Christmas to me!”)
Rosie/“Vanessa” was in the real Vanessa’s apartment (with the body hidden under the couch) when Barney arrived. After sharing a drink, Barney informed her that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, then kissed her passionately. They decided to go off and start a new life together, then broke into a song and dance.
In the examination room, Sturgis St. Cloud made Sammy take off his shorts, then examined his throat. Sturgis informed Sammy that, despite all his failings as a doctor, the one thing he IS good at is treating speech impediments. Sturgis proclaimed that he could save Sammy with a uvula transplant…all he needs is to find a donor body.
The post-coital Rosie and Barney were basking in the rain on the rooftop and planning their future together. Barney confessed that he was having second thoughts, since he’d just started a new life as a doctor, and was hesitant to give that up to start yet another new life. When she replied that she couldn’t accept him if he wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifices she was, he got down on one knee, took off his shades for the first time, and asked her to marry him. She accepted.
Yummy Wampler regained consciousness just as Father Bob returned. Yummy was amazed to realize that she felt better than she had in years…all of her old ailments had cleared up. Father Bob realized that his penis had miraculous healing powers, and envisioned himself being declared a saint and having his penis preserved as a holy relic after his death.
Having followed the scent of “Rosie’s” body, Sturgis picked the lock to Vanessa’s apartment, followed by Sammy. After finding the body, Sturgis performed the uvula transplant right there with samurai-like skill. After the operation, Sammy spoke clearly (albeit with a high-pitched voice).
Corky was at the triage station when Yummy came in with a new spring in her step. Seeing a possible cure for Sammy’s brain tumor, Corky asked how she’d managed to clear up all her ailments. She cheerfully replied that Father Bob raped her.
In the chapel, Father Bob thanked God for the blessing of his miraculous powers. Corky arrived and asked Father Bob to cure Sammy with his “magic ding-dong.”
In the nurses’ lounge, Yummy was telling “Vanessa” how the day had been going (“We’ve had three deaths, two births, and then two more deaths”). “Vanessa” informed her about Barney’s proposal, and asked her to be her maid of honor. Just then, Father Bob entered, zipping up his pants and announcing that he’d revived those two women who died in childbirth.
As Sammy demonstrated his new voice to Corky, Corky examined him and remarked that somebody had replaced his uvula with a vulva. Corky then asked him if he was willing to endure something that would hurt in the short term, but would turn out for the good. Sammy didn’t understand, but agreed. Corky gave Sammy a drink, and Sammy immediately passed out. Corky left Sammy alone with Father Bob to work his magic, but Bob drunkenly passed out before he could do so. Sturgis St. Cloud entered to sneak a joint.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having killed Nurse Vanessa Goodhead (who’d been disguised as Rosie Jay) with an injection of Haitian zombie-serum, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference to assure the public that “Rosie” was doing fine. Sturgis also promised that he himself would save the terminally ill child who had just arrived at the hospital.
Meanwhile, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was admitting that patient, little Sammy Swanson. Sammy explained that he was suffering from the terminal speech imediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome (“the first symptom is that you can’t say it”).
In the bar, Father Bob Houdini was drinking himself into a stupor with grief over the deaths of Johnnie Cochran and Mitch Hedberg…oh yeah, and the impending death of the Pope. (Note: This episode was improvised before the Pope’s passing…not that that’s going to save us from going to Hell.)
Rosie Jay, disguised as Vanessa, stood beside the flatlining body of the real Vanessa. She thanked Vanessa for her sacrifice and for the opportunity to start a new life with Vanessa’s identity. The body began moving, and Rosie/Vanessa struggled to keep it down.
Sammy Swanson explained to Yummy that his parents had used his Make-a-Wish Foundation wish to take a Disneyland vacation for themselves, so he asked if she could grant his wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. The outlandishness of this request caused the overworked and overstressed Yummy to snap, and she lashed out with savage fury.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was trying to get Father Bob to eat. Father Bob lamented that John Paul II was the greatest Pope ever…in fact, he had superhuman powers. Barney said that it didn’t concern him, since he wasn’t Catholic. Bob pointed out that Barney had converted to Catholicism in prison, as revealed in the previous episode in a scene that was cut from the synopsis for space reasons.
“Vanessa” loaded “Rosie’s” body into the ambulance when Sturgis came in to sneak a joint. “Vanessa” informed him that she knew all about his cover-up of “Rosie’s” death, and had informed the press all about it. Sturgis smugly asked what proof she had, and she pointed to the body in the back.
Corky was still waiting for guidance in the chapel when Sammy Swanson ran in, fearing for his safety from Yummy’s rampage. Corky did a quick examination of Sammy, and assured him that he wouldn’t have to worry about his terminal speech impediment…the previously-undiagnosed brain tumor would kill him before then.
Meanwhile, Yummy was self-medicating in the supply closet. After she passed out, the drunken Father Bob staggered in and noticed her sprawled across the table. (“Well, Merry Christmas to me!”)
Rosie/“Vanessa” was in the real Vanessa’s apartment (with the body hidden under the couch) when Barney arrived. After sharing a drink, Barney informed her that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, then kissed her passionately. They decided to go off and start a new life together, then broke into a song and dance.
In the examination room, Sturgis St. Cloud made Sammy take off his shorts, then examined his throat. Sturgis informed Sammy that, despite all his failings as a doctor, the one thing he IS good at is treating speech impediments. Sturgis proclaimed that he could save Sammy with a uvula transplant…all he needs is to find a donor body.
The post-coital Rosie and Barney were basking in the rain on the rooftop and planning their future together. Barney confessed that he was having second thoughts, since he’d just started a new life as a doctor, and was hesitant to give that up to start yet another new life. When she replied that she couldn’t accept him if he wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifices she was, he got down on one knee, took off his shades for the first time, and asked her to marry him. She accepted.
Yummy Wampler regained consciousness just as Father Bob returned. Yummy was amazed to realize that she felt better than she had in years…all of her old ailments had cleared up. Father Bob realized that his penis had miraculous healing powers, and envisioned himself being declared a saint and having his penis preserved as a holy relic after his death.
Having followed the scent of “Rosie’s” body, Sturgis picked the lock to Vanessa’s apartment, followed by Sammy. After finding the body, Sturgis performed the uvula transplant right there with samurai-like skill. After the operation, Sammy spoke clearly (albeit with a high-pitched voice).
Corky was at the triage station when Yummy came in with a new spring in her step. Seeing a possible cure for Sammy’s brain tumor, Corky asked how she’d managed to clear up all her ailments. She cheerfully replied that Father Bob raped her.
In the chapel, Father Bob thanked God for the blessing of his miraculous powers. Corky arrived and asked Father Bob to cure Sammy with his “magic ding-dong.”
In the nurses’ lounge, Yummy was telling “Vanessa” how the day had been going (“We’ve had three deaths, two births, and then two more deaths”). “Vanessa” informed her about Barney’s proposal, and asked her to be her maid of honor. Just then, Father Bob entered, zipping up his pants and announcing that he’d revived those two women who died in childbirth.
As Sammy demonstrated his new voice to Corky, Corky examined him and remarked that somebody had replaced his uvula with a vulva. Corky then asked him if he was willing to endure something that would hurt in the short term, but would turn out for the good. Sammy didn’t understand, but agreed. Corky gave Sammy a drink, and Sammy immediately passed out. Corky left Sammy alone with Father Bob to work his magic, but Bob drunkenly passed out before he could do so. Sturgis St. Cloud entered to sneak a joint.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Season 10, Episode 7: The Uncomfortably Topical Episode
Episode 7: The Uncomfortably Topical Episode
Paramedic Rosie Jay lay in a coma, while Dr. Corky Howser and Nurse Vanessa Goodhead discussed her condition. Corky blamed Vanessa for this turn of events, arguing that it was Rosie’s argument with Vanessa that led her to huffing glue. Corky accused Vanessa of being as selfish and uncaring as Gargamel. After pointing out that Gargamel did have feelings for his cat, Vanessa pleaded with Corky to find a cure for comas.
In jail for assaulting hospital CEO Stern Boyer, Nurse Barney Kabob met his court-appointed lawyer, Wince Medler. Medler promised to get Barney off, in exchange for some information. After some vague, non-specific hints, Barney figured out that Medler wanted Barney to funnel all the hospital’s Medicare and Medicaid funds into a secret offshore account. Barney agreed, and arranged to make the exchange in a dark alley by the dumpster behind the hospital.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference regarding Rosie’s condition, informing the press that he planned to prevent such glue-sniffing tragedies by asking Congress to outlaw all adhesives.
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Father Bob Houdini were attending to Rosie and discussing her chances. Father Bob observed that, if she died on Good Friday, it would be sort of like having a birthday on Christmas, only the opposite. As Yummy forced some Cheetos through Rosie’s feeding tube, Rosie gradually came to.
Visiting Barney in his cell, Vanessa tried to explain that she now had a relationship with Stern Boyer, but eventually she gave into her emotions and kissed him passionately. Barney asked her to prove her love by killing Rosie Jay.
Sturgis was preparing for another press conference when Father Bob came in with the wonderful news of Rosie’s recovery. Sturgis angrily complained that Rosie’s coma was bringing much-needed attention and funds to the hospital, and that he’d wanted her to stay under for as long as he could exploit it. Father Bob suggested that they could maintain the publicity by putting her back into a coma and then “miraculously” bringing her out on Easter Sunday. Sturgis thought it would be an even better miracle if they actually killed her and brought her back.
During a Cheetos Therapy session with Yummy, the now-conscious Rosie Jay declared that she had no memory of her past or identity. Taking advantage of Rosie’s amnesia, Yummy introduced herself as the CEO of the hospital…and Rosie’s mother. She assured Rosie that, once she was up and around again, she’d be back to her usual routine of helping Yummy out at the hospital and covering shifts for her. She pulled Rosie up out of her wheelchair and began teaching her how to walk again, just like when she was a baby.
Released from jail, Barney met Wince Medler in the dark alley behind the hospital and presented him with the Medicare/Medicaid information. In exchange, Barney asked Wince to not only expunge his criminal record, but to erase ALL his records and give him an entirely new identity (only keeping the same name)…as a doctor.
Corky was about to his new coma cure on a different patient when Sturgis St. Cloud entered. Corky explained that his new formula, made from stem cells, nanotechnology, and apple juice, was sure to bring Rosie out of her coma. Sturgis asked to see Corky’s formula, then secretly switched syringes. The patient immediately flatlined when Corky gave him the injection.
Sturgis St. Cloud was waving out his window to the paparazzi when Wince Medler entered. Sturgis held a grudge against Wince due to his poor handling of Sturgis’ last divorce case, but agreed to listen to Wince’s latest proposal. Wince wanted a percentage of the hospital, in exchange for which he would build up its property value and then sell it for a huge profit, just like he did for Park Properties.
Vanessa Goodhead warned Rosie that Sturgis was planning to kill her. To save Rosie, Vanessa was willing to sacrifice herself by switching uniforms and making herself the target.
In the dark alley, Wince Medler informed Barney that he had expunged Barney’s criminal record and made him a doctor specializing in osteoporosis. Barney menacingly informed Wince that he no longer had any need of his services. However, Wince warned him that he’d anticipated a double-cross, so he had kept a record of Barney’s record. If anything happens to Wince, it gets released to the media.
Father Bob and Yummy Wampler had just forced their way through the paparazzi with a critically wounded patient for Corky, when Rosie entered, wearing Vanessa’s nurse uniform and imitating Vanessa’s seductive style. Inspired by her combination of dedication and sluttiness, Corky told “Vanessa” that he’d always loved her and not Rosie. Father Bob and Yummy joined in the insulting of Rosie, until “Vanessa” could no longer contain her outrage. She asked how Yummy could say such things about her own daughter. Confused, Bob and Corky pointed out that Yummy didn’t have any children.
Vanessa, dressed in Rosie’s EMT uniform, was waiting in the hospital room when Sturgis entered ominously. Sturgis noticed that “Rosie” was somehow sexier than before, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Sturgis asked Rosie if she’d ever seen “The Serpent and the Rainbow,” then pulled out a syringe of Haitian zombie-making fluid. When “Rosie” pointed out that she could never love him if he made her a zombie, Sturgis declared that he was just kinky enough to put that to the test.
At the triage station, “Vanessa” asked Yummy why she’d lied about being Rosie’s mother. Yummy explained that she was just so overworked, she thought she could get Rosie to cover some shifts out of family loyalty. “Vanessa” pointed out that if she needed some time off, all she had to do was take it. Just as Yummy agreed to go out to a movie and relax, she suddenly had a heart attack.
Barney came into the lounge, searching for answers to his problem. Corky suggested that Barney look to “The Smurfs” for inspiration, just as Retard Smurf told Hefty Smurf how he could get back at Lawyer Smurf. When Barney thanked Corky for helping him, Corky professed ignorance. Barney observed that Corky knew a lot more than he let on, and used his Down’s Syndrome to cover up his shrewdness. Realizing that Barney was onto him, Corky called in Wince Medler and accused Barney of sexual assault.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Paramedic Rosie Jay lay in a coma, while Dr. Corky Howser and Nurse Vanessa Goodhead discussed her condition. Corky blamed Vanessa for this turn of events, arguing that it was Rosie’s argument with Vanessa that led her to huffing glue. Corky accused Vanessa of being as selfish and uncaring as Gargamel. After pointing out that Gargamel did have feelings for his cat, Vanessa pleaded with Corky to find a cure for comas.
In jail for assaulting hospital CEO Stern Boyer, Nurse Barney Kabob met his court-appointed lawyer, Wince Medler. Medler promised to get Barney off, in exchange for some information. After some vague, non-specific hints, Barney figured out that Medler wanted Barney to funnel all the hospital’s Medicare and Medicaid funds into a secret offshore account. Barney agreed, and arranged to make the exchange in a dark alley by the dumpster behind the hospital.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference regarding Rosie’s condition, informing the press that he planned to prevent such glue-sniffing tragedies by asking Congress to outlaw all adhesives.
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Father Bob Houdini were attending to Rosie and discussing her chances. Father Bob observed that, if she died on Good Friday, it would be sort of like having a birthday on Christmas, only the opposite. As Yummy forced some Cheetos through Rosie’s feeding tube, Rosie gradually came to.
Visiting Barney in his cell, Vanessa tried to explain that she now had a relationship with Stern Boyer, but eventually she gave into her emotions and kissed him passionately. Barney asked her to prove her love by killing Rosie Jay.
Sturgis was preparing for another press conference when Father Bob came in with the wonderful news of Rosie’s recovery. Sturgis angrily complained that Rosie’s coma was bringing much-needed attention and funds to the hospital, and that he’d wanted her to stay under for as long as he could exploit it. Father Bob suggested that they could maintain the publicity by putting her back into a coma and then “miraculously” bringing her out on Easter Sunday. Sturgis thought it would be an even better miracle if they actually killed her and brought her back.
During a Cheetos Therapy session with Yummy, the now-conscious Rosie Jay declared that she had no memory of her past or identity. Taking advantage of Rosie’s amnesia, Yummy introduced herself as the CEO of the hospital…and Rosie’s mother. She assured Rosie that, once she was up and around again, she’d be back to her usual routine of helping Yummy out at the hospital and covering shifts for her. She pulled Rosie up out of her wheelchair and began teaching her how to walk again, just like when she was a baby.
Released from jail, Barney met Wince Medler in the dark alley behind the hospital and presented him with the Medicare/Medicaid information. In exchange, Barney asked Wince to not only expunge his criminal record, but to erase ALL his records and give him an entirely new identity (only keeping the same name)…as a doctor.
Corky was about to his new coma cure on a different patient when Sturgis St. Cloud entered. Corky explained that his new formula, made from stem cells, nanotechnology, and apple juice, was sure to bring Rosie out of her coma. Sturgis asked to see Corky’s formula, then secretly switched syringes. The patient immediately flatlined when Corky gave him the injection.
Sturgis St. Cloud was waving out his window to the paparazzi when Wince Medler entered. Sturgis held a grudge against Wince due to his poor handling of Sturgis’ last divorce case, but agreed to listen to Wince’s latest proposal. Wince wanted a percentage of the hospital, in exchange for which he would build up its property value and then sell it for a huge profit, just like he did for Park Properties.
Vanessa Goodhead warned Rosie that Sturgis was planning to kill her. To save Rosie, Vanessa was willing to sacrifice herself by switching uniforms and making herself the target.
In the dark alley, Wince Medler informed Barney that he had expunged Barney’s criminal record and made him a doctor specializing in osteoporosis. Barney menacingly informed Wince that he no longer had any need of his services. However, Wince warned him that he’d anticipated a double-cross, so he had kept a record of Barney’s record. If anything happens to Wince, it gets released to the media.
Father Bob and Yummy Wampler had just forced their way through the paparazzi with a critically wounded patient for Corky, when Rosie entered, wearing Vanessa’s nurse uniform and imitating Vanessa’s seductive style. Inspired by her combination of dedication and sluttiness, Corky told “Vanessa” that he’d always loved her and not Rosie. Father Bob and Yummy joined in the insulting of Rosie, until “Vanessa” could no longer contain her outrage. She asked how Yummy could say such things about her own daughter. Confused, Bob and Corky pointed out that Yummy didn’t have any children.
Vanessa, dressed in Rosie’s EMT uniform, was waiting in the hospital room when Sturgis entered ominously. Sturgis noticed that “Rosie” was somehow sexier than before, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Sturgis asked Rosie if she’d ever seen “The Serpent and the Rainbow,” then pulled out a syringe of Haitian zombie-making fluid. When “Rosie” pointed out that she could never love him if he made her a zombie, Sturgis declared that he was just kinky enough to put that to the test.
At the triage station, “Vanessa” asked Yummy why she’d lied about being Rosie’s mother. Yummy explained that she was just so overworked, she thought she could get Rosie to cover some shifts out of family loyalty. “Vanessa” pointed out that if she needed some time off, all she had to do was take it. Just as Yummy agreed to go out to a movie and relax, she suddenly had a heart attack.
Barney came into the lounge, searching for answers to his problem. Corky suggested that Barney look to “The Smurfs” for inspiration, just as Retard Smurf told Hefty Smurf how he could get back at Lawyer Smurf. When Barney thanked Corky for helping him, Corky professed ignorance. Barney observed that Corky knew a lot more than he let on, and used his Down’s Syndrome to cover up his shrewdness. Realizing that Barney was onto him, Corky called in Wince Medler and accused Barney of sexual assault.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, February 27, 2009
Season 10, Episode 6: Nip/Huff
Episode 6: Nip/Huff
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were discussing what to do with the profits from their illegal sales of the new wonder drug Cialaviaglevitra. After contemplating installing a chocolate river maintained by orange midgets, they decided to attract a more upscale clientele by refocusing the hospital’s resources on cosmetic surgery.
Rosie Jay was giving Vanessa a ride to her pedicure appointment. Vanessa complained that her feet were killing her because somebody had stolen her work shoes, forcing her to walk in high heels all day. When Rosie suggested that Corky might be the culprit, Vanessa became indignant that he’d do that after she let him touch her boobs. After hearing this, Rosie threw Vanessa out of the ambulance in a bad part of town.
Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” on a portable TV at the triage station when his old tormentor from school, Ray Ray McGurk, arrived.
On the loading dock, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler, Nurse Barney Kabob, and Father Bob Houdini were bringing in 2x4s for the construction of the new plastic surgery wing. As they complained about Sturgis’ new plans, they began wondering why they were helping to build the new wing instead of confronting him about it. Unfortunately, before they could resolve to take action, they got bogged down in the “if a tree falls in the forest” debate.
Nurse Vanessa Goodhead was walking through a bad part of town (in high heels) when a drunken Stern Boyer arrived. When he offered to help, she angrily reminded him of how he stood her up at the prom all those years ago, then slapped his face. The homeless people were thrilled to see violence against the rich.
On a high window-washer’s platform, Sturgis was overseeing the construction of the Joan Rivers Memorial Plastic Surgery Ward when Barney and Yummy confronted him. Yummy pointed out that, while he’s spending money on this new wing, there’s no oxygen in the nursery and babies are exploding. Shocked, Sturgis protested that he only wanted to increase profits so that the hospital could help more people, and didn’t realize what his policies were doing to the babies.
Corky and Ray Ray were catching up on old times in the Little Varsity Jr. Ray Ray explained that he was now with an insurance firm, and had come to help make the hospital safe. Rosie entered and confronted Corky about his touching Vanessa’s breasts. Distraught, Rosie cried out that she needed somebody to take her away from this madhouse. Ray Ray took her up on the offer.
Father Bob took confession from an audience member, then demanded that she get on her knees and repent.
As Rosie Jay poured out her heart at Ray Ray’s place, Ray Ray introduced her to the joys of sniffing glue. As she began huffing, her psychic powers kicked in and she had a vision of Yummy and Barney tying up Sturgis to force him to listen to reason. She was torn between her need to save the hospital and her drug-induced indifference.
Father Bob asked Sturgis to make some renovations to the chapel while they’re doing the construction, then suggested that the chocolate river could include a boat ride that climaxes with a film of a chicken getting its head chopped off. Changing the subject, Sturgis confided that he’d recently discovered his own conscience, and was disturbed to learn that his policies had led to exploding babies. (“You’re talking about the Maternity Vacuum?”) Sturgis explained that he thought that babies still breathed amniotic fluid and that oxygen was therefore an unnecessary expense. He asked Father Bob how he could become less selfish.
Vanessa and Stern were on the rooftop, watching the sunset. Stern apologized for his drunken insensitivity. (“You’re so good looking, sometimes I forget to have feelings for you.”) Vanessa began to leave, explaining that she had patients to take care of. Stern protested that he had a dying patient in his pants who needs her.
As Yummy was putting in drywall, Corky waxed enthusiastic about the new wing, declaring that the hospital would now be able to take care of that busload of poor kids that got burned in an accident. Yummy tried to explain to him that the new ward was being set aside for rich, vain people and not for those who really need it. Suddenly, Sturgis rushed in and announced that he’d had a change of heart. Not only was he opening the new ward to those poor kids, but he’d throw in breast implants for all of them.
Unaware of Sturgis’ new plans, Barney was preparing for revolution at the triage station. Suddenly, Rosie staggered in, hopped-up on glue fumes. As she began going into withdrawal, Barney demanded to know who had done this to her. She replied that she’d done it to herself, then fainted face-first into his lap. Gently stroking her hair (which fell off due to her glue abuse), Barney launched into a tender, rambling pastoral metaphor of his concern for her.
Stern Boyer was drowning his sorrows in the bar, complaining to Ray Ray about his troubles with Vanessa. (“Women are like cats, they scratch…and press charges.”) Suddenly, Barney came in and angrily threw the huffing-bag down on the floor to confront Ray Ray. Filled with drunken macho posturing, both Ray Ray and Stern scoffed at Barney’s accusation. Barney asked “If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s there, does anybody hear it?” Then he punched Stern in the face.
In the new burn ward, Corky was entertaining the kids by telling them about his favorite episodes of “Dragon Tales.” Vanessa entered and told him she would have to stop letting him touch her boobs, because their actions were hurting others that they care about. Corky protested that he loved her, and that he wanted to build a hut with her like the dragons…but now she’d burned down that hut. The kids started crying at the mention of “burning.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were discussing what to do with the profits from their illegal sales of the new wonder drug Cialaviaglevitra. After contemplating installing a chocolate river maintained by orange midgets, they decided to attract a more upscale clientele by refocusing the hospital’s resources on cosmetic surgery.
Rosie Jay was giving Vanessa a ride to her pedicure appointment. Vanessa complained that her feet were killing her because somebody had stolen her work shoes, forcing her to walk in high heels all day. When Rosie suggested that Corky might be the culprit, Vanessa became indignant that he’d do that after she let him touch her boobs. After hearing this, Rosie threw Vanessa out of the ambulance in a bad part of town.
Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” on a portable TV at the triage station when his old tormentor from school, Ray Ray McGurk, arrived.
On the loading dock, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler, Nurse Barney Kabob, and Father Bob Houdini were bringing in 2x4s for the construction of the new plastic surgery wing. As they complained about Sturgis’ new plans, they began wondering why they were helping to build the new wing instead of confronting him about it. Unfortunately, before they could resolve to take action, they got bogged down in the “if a tree falls in the forest” debate.
Nurse Vanessa Goodhead was walking through a bad part of town (in high heels) when a drunken Stern Boyer arrived. When he offered to help, she angrily reminded him of how he stood her up at the prom all those years ago, then slapped his face. The homeless people were thrilled to see violence against the rich.
On a high window-washer’s platform, Sturgis was overseeing the construction of the Joan Rivers Memorial Plastic Surgery Ward when Barney and Yummy confronted him. Yummy pointed out that, while he’s spending money on this new wing, there’s no oxygen in the nursery and babies are exploding. Shocked, Sturgis protested that he only wanted to increase profits so that the hospital could help more people, and didn’t realize what his policies were doing to the babies.
Corky and Ray Ray were catching up on old times in the Little Varsity Jr. Ray Ray explained that he was now with an insurance firm, and had come to help make the hospital safe. Rosie entered and confronted Corky about his touching Vanessa’s breasts. Distraught, Rosie cried out that she needed somebody to take her away from this madhouse. Ray Ray took her up on the offer.
Father Bob took confession from an audience member, then demanded that she get on her knees and repent.
As Rosie Jay poured out her heart at Ray Ray’s place, Ray Ray introduced her to the joys of sniffing glue. As she began huffing, her psychic powers kicked in and she had a vision of Yummy and Barney tying up Sturgis to force him to listen to reason. She was torn between her need to save the hospital and her drug-induced indifference.
Father Bob asked Sturgis to make some renovations to the chapel while they’re doing the construction, then suggested that the chocolate river could include a boat ride that climaxes with a film of a chicken getting its head chopped off. Changing the subject, Sturgis confided that he’d recently discovered his own conscience, and was disturbed to learn that his policies had led to exploding babies. (“You’re talking about the Maternity Vacuum?”) Sturgis explained that he thought that babies still breathed amniotic fluid and that oxygen was therefore an unnecessary expense. He asked Father Bob how he could become less selfish.
Vanessa and Stern were on the rooftop, watching the sunset. Stern apologized for his drunken insensitivity. (“You’re so good looking, sometimes I forget to have feelings for you.”) Vanessa began to leave, explaining that she had patients to take care of. Stern protested that he had a dying patient in his pants who needs her.
As Yummy was putting in drywall, Corky waxed enthusiastic about the new wing, declaring that the hospital would now be able to take care of that busload of poor kids that got burned in an accident. Yummy tried to explain to him that the new ward was being set aside for rich, vain people and not for those who really need it. Suddenly, Sturgis rushed in and announced that he’d had a change of heart. Not only was he opening the new ward to those poor kids, but he’d throw in breast implants for all of them.
Unaware of Sturgis’ new plans, Barney was preparing for revolution at the triage station. Suddenly, Rosie staggered in, hopped-up on glue fumes. As she began going into withdrawal, Barney demanded to know who had done this to her. She replied that she’d done it to herself, then fainted face-first into his lap. Gently stroking her hair (which fell off due to her glue abuse), Barney launched into a tender, rambling pastoral metaphor of his concern for her.
Stern Boyer was drowning his sorrows in the bar, complaining to Ray Ray about his troubles with Vanessa. (“Women are like cats, they scratch…and press charges.”) Suddenly, Barney came in and angrily threw the huffing-bag down on the floor to confront Ray Ray. Filled with drunken macho posturing, both Ray Ray and Stern scoffed at Barney’s accusation. Barney asked “If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s there, does anybody hear it?” Then he punched Stern in the face.
In the new burn ward, Corky was entertaining the kids by telling them about his favorite episodes of “Dragon Tales.” Vanessa entered and told him she would have to stop letting him touch her boobs, because their actions were hurting others that they care about. Corky protested that he loved her, and that he wanted to build a hut with her like the dragons…but now she’d burned down that hut. The kids started crying at the mention of “burning.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Season 10, Episode 5: Think Long and Hard
Episode 5: Think Long and Hard
Having returned from a pharmaceutical convention, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was discussing the plans for the hospital’s 100th anniversary celebration with Head Nurse Yummy Wampler. When Yummy complained that their budget problems would keep them from doing anything worthy of the momentous occasion, Sturgis mentioned a possible solution: at the convention, he’d learned about a new drug, Cialaviaglevitra, which not only cured erectile dysfunction, but enlarged the penis and tasted like cherry soda. However, since it hadn’t been approved by the FDA yet, it would be illegal for them to profit from it.
In the ambulance, Paramedic Rosie Jay was transporting Patience Dorgan-Honer, a woman who had attempted to extract her own kidney. When Rosie noted that Patience was remarkably conscious for such an ordeal, Patience replied that she was so used to donating her organs that it didn’t affect her anymore. She went on to explain that she made her living by receiving transplants and then later donating the organs at a profit. Suddenly, Rosie was struck by a psychic premonition: she saw Sturgis St. Cloud talking baseball with accountant Stern Boyer. Rosie knew that this seemingly innocent vision masked a darker meaning.
While preparing for the centennial celebration, Dr. Corky Howser told Nurse Barney Kabob how much he admired Barney’s cool, tough image. He asked if Barney would help him be cool by giving him a prison tattoo. Barney agreed, and offered to make Corky his prison buddy.
Todd Baio was decorating a centennial cake at the triage station when Stern Boyer arrived and clumsily knocked everything over. Stern explained that he was a big fan of Todd’s acting work (especially “Ski Patrol Jesters”), and had arranged Todd’s pseudo-internship at the hospital to further his career. Now, Stern demanded payment.
As Yummy and Corky were blowing up balloons, Yummy began rambling on with numerous plans for the centennial and her own personal life. When Corky asked about her sudden hyperactivity, she explained that Sturgis had given her a sample of the new drug. Corky began to lecture her on their sacred oath as medical personnel, but got distracted by a balloon.
Stern Boyer entered Sturgis St. Cloud’s office to discuss the hospital’s financial troubles. Sturgis replied that he’d found the answer, and gave Stern a sample of Cialaviaglevitra. Exclaiming that the effect was like “a volcano in my pants,” Stern found himself unable to focus on anything else.
In the examination room, Patience Dorgan-Honer presented Todd Baio with a cooler full of organs that she’d brought in, then demanded payment. She explained that she was basically a go-between for black-market organs, and Todd pondered the ethics of her business.
Rosie Jay tried to warn Barney about her premonition, explaining that the baseball conversation was really an omen of death. However, Barney couldn’t concentrate because of the sexual tension between them. They worried that things would get weird between them if they did it, and they started to argue. Then they kissed passionately.
Seventeen minutes later, the post-coital Rosie informed Barney that there could never be anything more than a physical relationship between them, because she was in love with somebody else. Barney was okay with that, until she told him that the person she loved was Corky. Then it got weird.
Sturgis St. Cloud made an illicit drug deal in the chapel, instructing the buyer to make future purchases by stopping by the confessional booth and giving the password “I’ve had impure thoughts about an impure donkey.”
The hopped-up Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Stern Boyer entered, covering his crotch and moaning in desperation. Suddenly, Stern went into penile arrest.
After operating on her, Dr. Corky Howser was enthusiastically telling Patience Dorgan-Honer about his new best friend Barney. He showed her his new “prison tattoo” of himself and Barney, and listed all the cool things they did together…including Barney putting his ding-dong in Corky’s secret place. Shocked, Patience tried to tell Corky that wasn’t the act of a best friend, but of “a takin’-advantage-of sonofabitch.” Just then, Yummy rushed in and told Corky that Stern needed emergency care for his erection. Corky immediately covered his ass.
At the centennial celebration, Barney Kabob sat in the dunking booth, taunting the customers. Todd walked by, dejected by a heckler’s comment about his mime routine. Barney stepped out of the booth and offered Todd some encouragement. Touched by Barney’s understanding, Todd said that if he ever had children, he’d want Barney to be their godfather and take care of them. He then presented Barney with a hand-made award for childcare. Barney stepped onto the platform and began an acceptance speech…and was immediately dunked.
For her act, Rosie entertained the crowd with some ambulance stunt-driving in the parking lot, while Sturgis waved out the window. Rosie told Sturgis that she knew he was responsible for Yummy’s recent manic behavior, and warned him to lay off. In response, Sturgis distracted Rosie and planted some drugs in her ambulance.
Corky prepared to operate on Stern Boyer, assisted by Yummy and Patience; however, he found the sight of Stern’s bulging “ding-dong” too traumatic to proceed. Desperate and furious, Stern began threatening them until Corky knocked him out with his “retard-grip.” Patience mentioned to Corky that Sturgis St. Cloud had promised to marry her if she kept giving the hospital her business. Aghast, Yummy confessed that Sturgis had proposed to her as well.
Barney was cleaning up the parking lot after the festivities when Corky came by. Upset by Rosie’s feelings for Corky, Barney first snapped angrily at him, then began sobbing and told Corky to treat her nice. Corky had no idea what Barney was talking about.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having returned from a pharmaceutical convention, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was discussing the plans for the hospital’s 100th anniversary celebration with Head Nurse Yummy Wampler. When Yummy complained that their budget problems would keep them from doing anything worthy of the momentous occasion, Sturgis mentioned a possible solution: at the convention, he’d learned about a new drug, Cialaviaglevitra, which not only cured erectile dysfunction, but enlarged the penis and tasted like cherry soda. However, since it hadn’t been approved by the FDA yet, it would be illegal for them to profit from it.
In the ambulance, Paramedic Rosie Jay was transporting Patience Dorgan-Honer, a woman who had attempted to extract her own kidney. When Rosie noted that Patience was remarkably conscious for such an ordeal, Patience replied that she was so used to donating her organs that it didn’t affect her anymore. She went on to explain that she made her living by receiving transplants and then later donating the organs at a profit. Suddenly, Rosie was struck by a psychic premonition: she saw Sturgis St. Cloud talking baseball with accountant Stern Boyer. Rosie knew that this seemingly innocent vision masked a darker meaning.
While preparing for the centennial celebration, Dr. Corky Howser told Nurse Barney Kabob how much he admired Barney’s cool, tough image. He asked if Barney would help him be cool by giving him a prison tattoo. Barney agreed, and offered to make Corky his prison buddy.
Todd Baio was decorating a centennial cake at the triage station when Stern Boyer arrived and clumsily knocked everything over. Stern explained that he was a big fan of Todd’s acting work (especially “Ski Patrol Jesters”), and had arranged Todd’s pseudo-internship at the hospital to further his career. Now, Stern demanded payment.
As Yummy and Corky were blowing up balloons, Yummy began rambling on with numerous plans for the centennial and her own personal life. When Corky asked about her sudden hyperactivity, she explained that Sturgis had given her a sample of the new drug. Corky began to lecture her on their sacred oath as medical personnel, but got distracted by a balloon.
Stern Boyer entered Sturgis St. Cloud’s office to discuss the hospital’s financial troubles. Sturgis replied that he’d found the answer, and gave Stern a sample of Cialaviaglevitra. Exclaiming that the effect was like “a volcano in my pants,” Stern found himself unable to focus on anything else.
In the examination room, Patience Dorgan-Honer presented Todd Baio with a cooler full of organs that she’d brought in, then demanded payment. She explained that she was basically a go-between for black-market organs, and Todd pondered the ethics of her business.
Rosie Jay tried to warn Barney about her premonition, explaining that the baseball conversation was really an omen of death. However, Barney couldn’t concentrate because of the sexual tension between them. They worried that things would get weird between them if they did it, and they started to argue. Then they kissed passionately.
Seventeen minutes later, the post-coital Rosie informed Barney that there could never be anything more than a physical relationship between them, because she was in love with somebody else. Barney was okay with that, until she told him that the person she loved was Corky. Then it got weird.
Sturgis St. Cloud made an illicit drug deal in the chapel, instructing the buyer to make future purchases by stopping by the confessional booth and giving the password “I’ve had impure thoughts about an impure donkey.”
The hopped-up Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Stern Boyer entered, covering his crotch and moaning in desperation. Suddenly, Stern went into penile arrest.
After operating on her, Dr. Corky Howser was enthusiastically telling Patience Dorgan-Honer about his new best friend Barney. He showed her his new “prison tattoo” of himself and Barney, and listed all the cool things they did together…including Barney putting his ding-dong in Corky’s secret place. Shocked, Patience tried to tell Corky that wasn’t the act of a best friend, but of “a takin’-advantage-of sonofabitch.” Just then, Yummy rushed in and told Corky that Stern needed emergency care for his erection. Corky immediately covered his ass.
At the centennial celebration, Barney Kabob sat in the dunking booth, taunting the customers. Todd walked by, dejected by a heckler’s comment about his mime routine. Barney stepped out of the booth and offered Todd some encouragement. Touched by Barney’s understanding, Todd said that if he ever had children, he’d want Barney to be their godfather and take care of them. He then presented Barney with a hand-made award for childcare. Barney stepped onto the platform and began an acceptance speech…and was immediately dunked.
For her act, Rosie entertained the crowd with some ambulance stunt-driving in the parking lot, while Sturgis waved out the window. Rosie told Sturgis that she knew he was responsible for Yummy’s recent manic behavior, and warned him to lay off. In response, Sturgis distracted Rosie and planted some drugs in her ambulance.
Corky prepared to operate on Stern Boyer, assisted by Yummy and Patience; however, he found the sight of Stern’s bulging “ding-dong” too traumatic to proceed. Desperate and furious, Stern began threatening them until Corky knocked him out with his “retard-grip.” Patience mentioned to Corky that Sturgis St. Cloud had promised to marry her if she kept giving the hospital her business. Aghast, Yummy confessed that Sturgis had proposed to her as well.
Barney was cleaning up the parking lot after the festivities when Corky came by. Upset by Rosie’s feelings for Corky, Barney first snapped angrily at him, then began sobbing and told Corky to treat her nice. Corky had no idea what Barney was talking about.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, February 23, 2009
Season 10, Episode 2: You Got the Cutest Little Baby Face
Episode 2: You Got the Cutest Little Baby Face
Going frantic since Father Bob Houdini confiscated her cell phone, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler attempted to make a phone out of Dixie Cups and surgical tubing. (Much to her surprise, it worked.) Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud entered and offered her his beeper as a substitute, but Yummy needed a voice to talk to. Changing the subject to the smallpox epidemic, Yummy remembered the last time smallpox struck the hospital, back when she was a candy striper…and only she survived. Sturgis was not worried, since the dangerously high Botox levels in his body rendered him immune.
Dr. Corky Howser, the Down’s Syndrome-afflicted teen medical prodigy, was preparing to treat his own smallpox, with Nurse Vanessa Goodhead assisting. Corky was concerned for her safety, but she informed him that she was safe…she’d found the hospital’s supply of smallpox vaccine and taken it all herself. After recovering from the shock of her selfishness, Corky realized he could devise an even more effective vaccine from her blood and Sturgis’. However, Vanessa refused to let him scar her body by drawing blood.
Todd Baio was doing some acting exercises in his apartment when his former girlfriend, paramedic Rosie Jay, entered. She demanded to know what he want he wanted from her in exchange for the return of her baby. He informed her that he wanted to use her visions of the future to help him manage his career, and see whether he would get an Oscar nomination for “Operation Undersea Operation.” Rosie agreed, then asked where her baby was. Todd revealed that he had the baby in his bag all along…at least, its head.
Nurse Barney Kabob was working out in the exercise room, coached by Father Bob Houdini. After the workout, Father Bob informed Barney that the hospital was beset by a demon, and asked Barney to help him deal with it.
Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference, attempting to persuade the public that smallpox was actually beneficial. Corky rushed in and informed Sturgis that he could actually save lives for once by donating his blood. Sturgis said that he would only help if Corky could help Sturgis salvage his reputation as a surgeon. Corky agreed to let Sturgis take the credit for his work.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Vanessa Goodhead asked Yummy the secret of her compassion and dedication. Vanessa explained that she wanted to be taken seriously as a nurse, and not just be thought of as the hospital skank. Then she went to go pick up a guy.
Father Bob was sitting in the confessional when Rosie Jay burst in and tearfully informed him that she was holding an infant’s head in her hands. Shocked, Father Bob stormed out of the booth and declared her to be “Mrs. Satan” and utterly irredeemable. First, he explained, she was a woman and therefore inherently evil, then she had demonic clairvoyant powers, and now she’d committed infanticide. She tried to explain that the decapitation was Todd Baio’s doing, but he wouldn’t hear any of it.
Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio in the hallway, knocking Todd over with a chair.
In the chapel, Father Bob was preparing his evil-hunting gear when Nurse Vanessa Goodhead came in and checked him for smallpox by examining his genitals. Appalled by her inherently evil feminine touch, Father Bob punched her in the face.
Yummy Wampler examined a patient from the audience. As she questioned him about his symptoms, Father Bob came by to administer last rites.
Rosie Jay attempted to leave the hospital when Dr. Corky Howser stopped her due to the quarantine. She explained that she needed to leave to give her baby’s head a proper burial. Moved by her tragedy, Corky offered to bring her baby back by putting the head on a new body. However, he would need a genetically compatible donor body…either her or, preferably, the father.
Sturgis St. Cloud was assuring Todd Baio that his work in the hospital would be invaluable to his acting career, explaining that the last actor who researched with them, Jorge Clooney, became the best fake doctor in Mexico. Fed up with Sturgis’ self-aggrandizing, Todd pointed out that Sturgis hadn’t noticed Todd coming and going despite the quarantine. They began fighting. After winning, Sturgis offered to teach Todd the secret of being popular despite his inadequacies.
In the examination room, Yummy Wampler was attending to Vanessa’s injured jaw. Since Vanessa couldn’t eat, Yummy ran an IV for her. Unfortunately, Vanessa’s fear of needles caused her to faint, hitting her head on the examination table in the process.
Todd Baio entered the supply closet for an “acting tutorial,” which was actually a ruse for Barney Kabob to ambush him and knock him over with a cart. Barney castigated Todd for violating the quarantine and spreading disease through the hospital, then attempted to handcuff him with some zip-ties (only to get his own hands caught in them instead). Todd explained that he had only spread illness in order to give Barney a challenge, to let him be the hero Todd knew he could be. Barney realized that Todd had a point, but knocked him down anyway.
Sturgis St. Cloud was apparently performing surgery, assisted by Rosie Jay. However, Corky was secretly standing behind Sturgis, acting as his arms and performing the operation himself. As Corky/Sturgis operated, Sturgis confided to Rosie that he was going to undergo experimental surgery himself soon, and that he might not make it. He told her how much he valued her work at the hospital, and offered her any favor she wanted if he pulls through. She asked him to dismiss Todd from the hospital.
Hoping to protect herself from the plague by barricading herself in the emergency room, Yummy Wampler was dragging the unconscious Vanessa to safety when she ran into Father Bob. When Yummy pleaded that Vanessa was injured, Bob explained that he’d hit her because she was inherently evil (being a woman). Yummy punched Father Bob in the face.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Going frantic since Father Bob Houdini confiscated her cell phone, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler attempted to make a phone out of Dixie Cups and surgical tubing. (Much to her surprise, it worked.) Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud entered and offered her his beeper as a substitute, but Yummy needed a voice to talk to. Changing the subject to the smallpox epidemic, Yummy remembered the last time smallpox struck the hospital, back when she was a candy striper…and only she survived. Sturgis was not worried, since the dangerously high Botox levels in his body rendered him immune.
Dr. Corky Howser, the Down’s Syndrome-afflicted teen medical prodigy, was preparing to treat his own smallpox, with Nurse Vanessa Goodhead assisting. Corky was concerned for her safety, but she informed him that she was safe…she’d found the hospital’s supply of smallpox vaccine and taken it all herself. After recovering from the shock of her selfishness, Corky realized he could devise an even more effective vaccine from her blood and Sturgis’. However, Vanessa refused to let him scar her body by drawing blood.
Todd Baio was doing some acting exercises in his apartment when his former girlfriend, paramedic Rosie Jay, entered. She demanded to know what he want he wanted from her in exchange for the return of her baby. He informed her that he wanted to use her visions of the future to help him manage his career, and see whether he would get an Oscar nomination for “Operation Undersea Operation.” Rosie agreed, then asked where her baby was. Todd revealed that he had the baby in his bag all along…at least, its head.
Nurse Barney Kabob was working out in the exercise room, coached by Father Bob Houdini. After the workout, Father Bob informed Barney that the hospital was beset by a demon, and asked Barney to help him deal with it.
Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference, attempting to persuade the public that smallpox was actually beneficial. Corky rushed in and informed Sturgis that he could actually save lives for once by donating his blood. Sturgis said that he would only help if Corky could help Sturgis salvage his reputation as a surgeon. Corky agreed to let Sturgis take the credit for his work.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Vanessa Goodhead asked Yummy the secret of her compassion and dedication. Vanessa explained that she wanted to be taken seriously as a nurse, and not just be thought of as the hospital skank. Then she went to go pick up a guy.
Father Bob was sitting in the confessional when Rosie Jay burst in and tearfully informed him that she was holding an infant’s head in her hands. Shocked, Father Bob stormed out of the booth and declared her to be “Mrs. Satan” and utterly irredeemable. First, he explained, she was a woman and therefore inherently evil, then she had demonic clairvoyant powers, and now she’d committed infanticide. She tried to explain that the decapitation was Todd Baio’s doing, but he wouldn’t hear any of it.
Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio in the hallway, knocking Todd over with a chair.
In the chapel, Father Bob was preparing his evil-hunting gear when Nurse Vanessa Goodhead came in and checked him for smallpox by examining his genitals. Appalled by her inherently evil feminine touch, Father Bob punched her in the face.
Yummy Wampler examined a patient from the audience. As she questioned him about his symptoms, Father Bob came by to administer last rites.
Rosie Jay attempted to leave the hospital when Dr. Corky Howser stopped her due to the quarantine. She explained that she needed to leave to give her baby’s head a proper burial. Moved by her tragedy, Corky offered to bring her baby back by putting the head on a new body. However, he would need a genetically compatible donor body…either her or, preferably, the father.
Sturgis St. Cloud was assuring Todd Baio that his work in the hospital would be invaluable to his acting career, explaining that the last actor who researched with them, Jorge Clooney, became the best fake doctor in Mexico. Fed up with Sturgis’ self-aggrandizing, Todd pointed out that Sturgis hadn’t noticed Todd coming and going despite the quarantine. They began fighting. After winning, Sturgis offered to teach Todd the secret of being popular despite his inadequacies.
In the examination room, Yummy Wampler was attending to Vanessa’s injured jaw. Since Vanessa couldn’t eat, Yummy ran an IV for her. Unfortunately, Vanessa’s fear of needles caused her to faint, hitting her head on the examination table in the process.
Todd Baio entered the supply closet for an “acting tutorial,” which was actually a ruse for Barney Kabob to ambush him and knock him over with a cart. Barney castigated Todd for violating the quarantine and spreading disease through the hospital, then attempted to handcuff him with some zip-ties (only to get his own hands caught in them instead). Todd explained that he had only spread illness in order to give Barney a challenge, to let him be the hero Todd knew he could be. Barney realized that Todd had a point, but knocked him down anyway.
Sturgis St. Cloud was apparently performing surgery, assisted by Rosie Jay. However, Corky was secretly standing behind Sturgis, acting as his arms and performing the operation himself. As Corky/Sturgis operated, Sturgis confided to Rosie that he was going to undergo experimental surgery himself soon, and that he might not make it. He told her how much he valued her work at the hospital, and offered her any favor she wanted if he pulls through. She asked him to dismiss Todd from the hospital.
Hoping to protect herself from the plague by barricading herself in the emergency room, Yummy Wampler was dragging the unconscious Vanessa to safety when she ran into Father Bob. When Yummy pleaded that Vanessa was injured, Bob explained that he’d hit her because she was inherently evil (being a woman). Yummy punched Father Bob in the face.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Season 10, Episode 1: The Best Medicine
A new season, new setting, new characters, new ways to offend...this time, SCANDAL! goes to a hospital.
Episode 1: The Best Medicine
In a little hospital in Little Five Points, in a long-unused storage unit, a mouse knocked a small vial off of a shelf…a vial labeled “smallpox.”
Meanwhile, at the hospital’s triage station, Nurse Barney Kabob was filling out some forms when paramedic Rosie Jay entered. After a brief conversation, they agreed to go out for dinner after work.
Dr. Corky Howser, the 15-year-old medical prodigy with Down’s Syndrome, handed some X-rays to Nurse Vanessa Goodhead, inadvertently brushing her breast with his elbow as he did so. As Corky apologized for the accident, Vanessa seductively asked if he’d like to do something not accidental. When he refused, she threatened to report him, but he pointed out that his condition makes him blameless for any accidents. (“I’m retarded; it’s like carte blanche.”)
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was restocking syringes when actor Todd Baio arrived. Todd had agreed to help out at the hospital while researching his next character, and Yummy had accepted his offer because they were understaffed. Inspired by her dedication, Todd declared that he would base his character on her, and reached out to stroke her hair (getting his lollipop stuck in the process).
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Father Bob Houdini, the hospital chaplain, were playing tic-tac-toe. Father Bob revealed that his skill was a result of his Catholic training, enabling him to see into people’s souls. Sturgis replied that, although he had been raised Presbymethodist, he had since turned away from religion and embraced the path of science. The debate began to get heated, but then they sat down to play again.
In the hospital snack bar, the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was telling Todd Baio about his date with Rosie. Barney was nervous, since he hadn’t been on a date with a woman in five years, having been in prison. Todd warned Barney that he had some history with Rosie, and knew that she was a dangerous woman.
After demonstrating his new technique for performing tracheotomies with Capri Sun straws, Dr. Corky Howser asked Sturgis St. Cloud for romantic advice. Sturgis recommended that he be bold and put on a show of bravado, but Corky protested that he was only 15 and had Down’s Syndrome. Sturgis told him not to let that stop him.
STURGIS: “I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’ Literally. I had it omitted from my education so that it wouldn’t hold me back.”
Father Bob Houdini was taking a ride-along in the ambulance with Rosie Jay. Taking the bullhorn, Father Bob jokingly called out to the sky: “Are you there, God? It’s me and Margaret”…then segued into his own bizarre theological theory of the purpose of menstruation. After waiting patiently for him to finish, Rosie asked Father Bob for some advice, explaining that she’d been having visions of the future.
Nurse Vanessa Goodhead brought in a patient to see Yummy Wampler. As Yummy was distracted by a phone call, Vanessa gave the patient a prescription of her own…a hot shower with her.
Corky came to Father Bob’s confessional booth for the first time (since his condition had granted him a blameless life until now). After confessing that he had touched a lady’s booby and that he’d like to do it again, Father Bob pointed out that he was still committing the sin of impure thoughts, and that filthy thoughts hurt God so much, they make God poop Himself…and nobody wants that.
Rosie Jay was in her apartment when Barney arrived for their date. After a bit of conversation (interrupted by the periodic snorting of a pet pig), Barney asked her about her history with Todd Baio. Rosie admitted that they’d had a relationship, but it ended when Todd took her baby from her. She asked Barney to help her get her baby back.
Sturgis St. Cloud was in surgery with Yummy Wampler, who complained that the hospital was losing patients due to the lack of rubber gloves. Sturgis replied that there was no room in the budget for such an expense, then cheered her up by carving a portrait of her in the patient’s abdomen.
In the morgue, Todd Baio was giving Vanessa Goodhead a demonstration of his new nurse character. As he performed, Vanessa posed seductively on top of the body until something snapped.
Rosie Jay and Corky were playing jacks on the roof when Corky complained of “itchy freckles.” After a quick examination, Rosie realized that those weren’t itchy freckles…they were smallpox! Initially disbelieving her diagnosis, Corky soon realized that there was only one doctor in this hospital capable of treating smallpox…namely, himself.
Due to the staff shortage, Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Father Bob came in for a chili cheese dog. As Yummy took an emergency phone call, Bob warned her that the stress and overwork were taking a toll on her health. Telling her that she had to put herself ahead of the hospital for once, Bob confiscated her cell phone and told her to take some time for herself. She had no idea what to do.
In the parking lot, Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio about Rosie’s baby. Todd confessed that he had used his relationship with Rosie to get a foot in the door in showbiz…he’d taken the baby to Tokyo and traded it for acting lessons.
Later, Dr. Sturgis St. Cloud called a staff meeting and announced that there was a smallpox epidemic. Suddenly, Barney Kabob fainted.
STURGIS: “It’s all right, he doesn’t have smallpox. He’s just a pussy.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 1: The Best Medicine
In a little hospital in Little Five Points, in a long-unused storage unit, a mouse knocked a small vial off of a shelf…a vial labeled “smallpox.”
Meanwhile, at the hospital’s triage station, Nurse Barney Kabob was filling out some forms when paramedic Rosie Jay entered. After a brief conversation, they agreed to go out for dinner after work.
Dr. Corky Howser, the 15-year-old medical prodigy with Down’s Syndrome, handed some X-rays to Nurse Vanessa Goodhead, inadvertently brushing her breast with his elbow as he did so. As Corky apologized for the accident, Vanessa seductively asked if he’d like to do something not accidental. When he refused, she threatened to report him, but he pointed out that his condition makes him blameless for any accidents. (“I’m retarded; it’s like carte blanche.”)
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was restocking syringes when actor Todd Baio arrived. Todd had agreed to help out at the hospital while researching his next character, and Yummy had accepted his offer because they were understaffed. Inspired by her dedication, Todd declared that he would base his character on her, and reached out to stroke her hair (getting his lollipop stuck in the process).
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Father Bob Houdini, the hospital chaplain, were playing tic-tac-toe. Father Bob revealed that his skill was a result of his Catholic training, enabling him to see into people’s souls. Sturgis replied that, although he had been raised Presbymethodist, he had since turned away from religion and embraced the path of science. The debate began to get heated, but then they sat down to play again.
In the hospital snack bar, the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was telling Todd Baio about his date with Rosie. Barney was nervous, since he hadn’t been on a date with a woman in five years, having been in prison. Todd warned Barney that he had some history with Rosie, and knew that she was a dangerous woman.
After demonstrating his new technique for performing tracheotomies with Capri Sun straws, Dr. Corky Howser asked Sturgis St. Cloud for romantic advice. Sturgis recommended that he be bold and put on a show of bravado, but Corky protested that he was only 15 and had Down’s Syndrome. Sturgis told him not to let that stop him.
STURGIS: “I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’ Literally. I had it omitted from my education so that it wouldn’t hold me back.”
Father Bob Houdini was taking a ride-along in the ambulance with Rosie Jay. Taking the bullhorn, Father Bob jokingly called out to the sky: “Are you there, God? It’s me and Margaret”…then segued into his own bizarre theological theory of the purpose of menstruation. After waiting patiently for him to finish, Rosie asked Father Bob for some advice, explaining that she’d been having visions of the future.
Nurse Vanessa Goodhead brought in a patient to see Yummy Wampler. As Yummy was distracted by a phone call, Vanessa gave the patient a prescription of her own…a hot shower with her.
Corky came to Father Bob’s confessional booth for the first time (since his condition had granted him a blameless life until now). After confessing that he had touched a lady’s booby and that he’d like to do it again, Father Bob pointed out that he was still committing the sin of impure thoughts, and that filthy thoughts hurt God so much, they make God poop Himself…and nobody wants that.
Rosie Jay was in her apartment when Barney arrived for their date. After a bit of conversation (interrupted by the periodic snorting of a pet pig), Barney asked her about her history with Todd Baio. Rosie admitted that they’d had a relationship, but it ended when Todd took her baby from her. She asked Barney to help her get her baby back.
Sturgis St. Cloud was in surgery with Yummy Wampler, who complained that the hospital was losing patients due to the lack of rubber gloves. Sturgis replied that there was no room in the budget for such an expense, then cheered her up by carving a portrait of her in the patient’s abdomen.
In the morgue, Todd Baio was giving Vanessa Goodhead a demonstration of his new nurse character. As he performed, Vanessa posed seductively on top of the body until something snapped.
Rosie Jay and Corky were playing jacks on the roof when Corky complained of “itchy freckles.” After a quick examination, Rosie realized that those weren’t itchy freckles…they were smallpox! Initially disbelieving her diagnosis, Corky soon realized that there was only one doctor in this hospital capable of treating smallpox…namely, himself.
Due to the staff shortage, Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Father Bob came in for a chili cheese dog. As Yummy took an emergency phone call, Bob warned her that the stress and overwork were taking a toll on her health. Telling her that she had to put herself ahead of the hospital for once, Bob confiscated her cell phone and told her to take some time for herself. She had no idea what to do.
In the parking lot, Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio about Rosie’s baby. Todd confessed that he had used his relationship with Rosie to get a foot in the door in showbiz…he’d taken the baby to Tokyo and traded it for acting lessons.
Later, Dr. Sturgis St. Cloud called a staff meeting and announced that there was a smallpox epidemic. Suddenly, Barney Kabob fainted.
STURGIS: “It’s all right, he doesn’t have smallpox. He’s just a pussy.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
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