Episode 11: Call It
Little Sammy Swanson’ father, Steven Swanson, arrived at the hospital, explaining that he’d just returned from his Disneyland vacation (courtesy of the Make-a-Wish Foundation) and had come to pick up his son’s remains and the insurance check. Rosie Jay informed him that not only was Sammy still alive, but that she had adopted him. Steven was puzzled as to how she could have done that, but he didn’t let his confusion or her obvious contempt stop him from coming on to her.
Nurse Barney Kabob was up on the roof, casing the bank across the street. When Head Nurse Yummy Wampler came up to do some cleaning, Barney confessed that he felt out of place in the hospital and was feeling the lure of his old criminal lifestyle. Yummy asked why he’d been in prison in the first place.
BARNEY: “You ever get filled with rage? Rage that makes you wrap your fingers around the living neck of another human being until it stops? You ever do that five times?”
Uncomfortable with the way Barney was looking at her, Yummy informed him that she’d lost her erogenous zones in a Girl Scout accident years before. She managed to talk Barney down and get him to face the cause of his problems: a lack of love from his mother. Barney broke down crying and asked Yummy to be his mom.
Dr. Corky Howser was examining Sammy Swanson, amazed that Sammy had managed to hold on for so long. Sammy informed him that he had accepted his impending death…but now that he’d reached puberty, he wanted to die a man and not a boy. Corky, being 15 and afflicted with Down’s Syndrome, didn’t know what he meant by that. Corky asked Sammy to explain the birds and the bees.
SAMMY: “Well, from what I learned from Cinemax, the boy comes over to repair the cable or some other major appliance…”
Attorney Wince Medler and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were playing a game of high-stakes poker, with Stern deep in the hole. As a piece of friendly advice, Wince explained Stern’s problem: He thinks out loud when he looks at his cards. As they continued the game, Wince informed Stern that he was representing 19 patients who suing the hospital after developing Legionnaire’s Disease. They set the stakes for the next hand: If Stern wins, Wince drops the lawsuit. If Wince wins, Stern steps down and appoints Wince the new CEO of the hospital. Naturally, Wince won the hand and the hospital…then, just when it looked like things couldn’t get any worse for Stern, he started showing the first symptoms of Legionnaire’s Disease.
Rosie Jay and Barney Kabob met in a restaurant to discuss their upcoming wedding, but the conversation turned ugly when Barney accused her of inappropriate behavior with Sammy. She retorted that he was only projecting his own fears and anger onto her, but this psychological talk went completely over his head. Rosie angrily broke off the engagement.
Steven Swanson was drinking at the hospital bar, the Rusty Scalpel, where Stern Boyer was serving the drinks. Steven informed Stern that he was planning to sue the hospital for keeping his son alive and denying Steven his insurance check. Just then, Sammy Swanson entered.
STEVEN: “What are you doing alive?”
SAMMY: “I could ask you the same question…but it wouldn’t make any sense.”
Sammy warned his father that he had prepared a letter for the Make-a-Wish Foundation, informing them of Steven’s fraud. He went on to explain that the insurance money would go to his new mother, Rosie Jay. Steven replied that he would challenge the adoption, since both he and Sammy’s morbidly obese mother were still alive.
In the supply room, Yummy Wampler was practicing her stand-up comedy routine, using an IV stand as an imaginary microphone. Little Sammy entered, and after a brief conversation, Sammy asked Yummy to take his virginity and make a man of him.
SAMMY: “You’re more of a woman than I’ve ever seen before.”
YUMMY: “Oh, you poor kid.”
Yummy warned Sammy that she had no erogenous zones, but with his lack of experience, she figured it wouldn’t make any difference.
Dr. Corky Howser was in his office, contemplating his domain as the hospital’s new Chief Surgeon. Just then, Wince Medler entered and informed Corky that he’d won control of the hospital from Stern Boyer. He announced that, as the new CEO, he was going to fire Corky…then, as an attorney, he would represent Corky and file a discrimination suit against the hospital.
Rosie Jay was out driving the ambulance when Stern Boyer jumped in front of it. After Rosie pulled him inside, Stern lamented that he’d lost the hospital in a poker game, and that he was dying of Legionnaire’s Disease. Rosie told him that Legionnaire’s Disease was easily treatable, but his gambling addiction was the problem he REALLY needed help with. Inspired by her street smarts and confident attitude, Stern put her in charge of the hospital (even though he no longer had the authority to do so).
Barney Kabob was in the chapel, asking God why He’d forsaken him. Just then, Steven Swanson entered and asked Barney to help him collect his insurance by getting rid of Sammy. Barney pointed out that the insurance policy only worked if Sammy died a natural death, but Steven countered that “natural things happen,” especially in such a crappy hospital. Feeling abandoned by God and tempted by Steven’s evil, Barney ripped off his shirt to reveal the devil-face gang tattoo on his chest. Steven realized that he and Barney were both fellow members of The Diablos.
Enjoying a post-coital snack of Teddy Grahams, Sammy noticed that Yummy had become quiet and withdrawn. She explained that she felt guilty and dirty, and informed him that it would never work out…he was terminally ill, and she’d probably go to prison where she’d become some other woman’s bitch. Her only consolation was that, since Sammy would die soon, nobody would ever know about their illegal encounter. Sammy informed her that he’d captured their moments of passion on his on-line journal and webcam.
Corky lamented the loss of his job to Barney (who was standing with his back towards Corky). When Barney turned around, Corky saw the devil tattoo on his chest and was stricken with fear. Realizing that Barney had gone over to the side of evil, Corky warned that he would stop Barney’s nefarious plans. They began wrestling.
Wince Medler was settling into his new office when Steven Swanson arrived and informed him he was suing the hospital. Gloating, Steven rubbed his crotch, and a loud “boo” filled the room. Steven explained the noise by revealing that he’d had his testicles replaced with See-and-Say toy parts 14 years ago. Wince pointed out that, since Sammy Swanson is only 13, that means Sammy couldn’t possibly be Steven’s son, which means he has no claim. Steven cursed that his plans had been foiled by his poor math skills. Just then, Corky ran through, screaming that a murderer was loose in the hospital. Barney burst in immediately afterwards and quickly knocked Corky unconscious. In the confusion, Steven picked up Corky’s toy hammer and lightly tapped Wince on the head, killing him instantly. Yes, you read that right…toy hammer, light tap, killed.
In the operating room, Barney had Corky tied facedown on a gurney and was preparing to give him an enema of Legionnaire’s Disease. However, before that could happen, Yummy burst in, carrying the dying (this time for sure) Sammy Swanson. She untied Corky and put Sammy onto the gurney so they could save him, but Sammy flatlined moments later. Corky managed to bring him back with mouth-to-mouth, just as Rosie Jay and Stern Boyer entered. Barney tried to sneak out of the room in the confusion, but was blocked when Steven Swanson arrived. Steven informed Barney that he’d receive his payment as soon as Sammy flatlined permanently. Yummy declared her love for Sammy and told everybody about their encounter, since it was already on the Internet anyway. Steven informed Sammy that, even though he was still just waiting to profit from his death, he was proud that his son had become a man. Suddenly, everybody realized what Sammy’s “manhood” meant.
BARNEY: “Wait a minute! You hired me to kill the kid. If he’s a man, the deal’s off.”
ROSIE: “And if he’s a man, you don’t get the money!”
YUMMY: “If he’s a man, I didn’t do anything illegal…three times.”
STERN: “If he’s a man…I’m still dying!”
Sammy presented his will: He left all his love to Rosie, and Yummy three times on Sunday. His genitals would go to Steven Swanson, to replace his toy testicles. The insurance money would go to Little Five Points Hospital so that it could become a REAL hospital.
ROSIE: “Oh, Sammy. You’ve changed everyone’s life.”
STERN: “Except mine. I don’t want to keep harping on it, but I’m still dying.”
With that, Stern Boyer died.
Atoning for his evil ways, Steven told Sammy the truth: He wasn’t Sammy’s real father. He found Sammy on the street as an infant, and brought him up as his own. Sammy grew up imitating Steven’s lisp, which meant that Sammy’s manner of speech was just conditioning and not the terminal speech impediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome. What’s more, Steven’s own lisp was just an act…he revealed his true accent and identity as Pablo Espanol, leader of the Diablo gang. Stunned by this revelation, Sammy pointed out that he still had a brain tumor, so he’d probably better just go ahead and die anyway. Steven and Barney decided to set out for a new life together in prison, leaving Sammy with a photo of his morbidly obese mother. (“Let this sight guide you into Heaven.”) The sight of the photo finally finished Sammy once and for all.
Left alone, Corky, Rosie and Yummy decided to go to the Little Varsity Jr. and raise a Frosted Orange in Sammy’s memory. As they walked out, Corky asked Rosie and Yummy what everybody meant by all this talk about Sammy becoming a man. Yummy offered to show him.
THE END
Showing posts with label stern boyer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stern boyer. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Season 10, Episode 6: Nip/Huff
Episode 6: Nip/Huff
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were discussing what to do with the profits from their illegal sales of the new wonder drug Cialaviaglevitra. After contemplating installing a chocolate river maintained by orange midgets, they decided to attract a more upscale clientele by refocusing the hospital’s resources on cosmetic surgery.
Rosie Jay was giving Vanessa a ride to her pedicure appointment. Vanessa complained that her feet were killing her because somebody had stolen her work shoes, forcing her to walk in high heels all day. When Rosie suggested that Corky might be the culprit, Vanessa became indignant that he’d do that after she let him touch her boobs. After hearing this, Rosie threw Vanessa out of the ambulance in a bad part of town.
Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” on a portable TV at the triage station when his old tormentor from school, Ray Ray McGurk, arrived.
On the loading dock, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler, Nurse Barney Kabob, and Father Bob Houdini were bringing in 2x4s for the construction of the new plastic surgery wing. As they complained about Sturgis’ new plans, they began wondering why they were helping to build the new wing instead of confronting him about it. Unfortunately, before they could resolve to take action, they got bogged down in the “if a tree falls in the forest” debate.
Nurse Vanessa Goodhead was walking through a bad part of town (in high heels) when a drunken Stern Boyer arrived. When he offered to help, she angrily reminded him of how he stood her up at the prom all those years ago, then slapped his face. The homeless people were thrilled to see violence against the rich.
On a high window-washer’s platform, Sturgis was overseeing the construction of the Joan Rivers Memorial Plastic Surgery Ward when Barney and Yummy confronted him. Yummy pointed out that, while he’s spending money on this new wing, there’s no oxygen in the nursery and babies are exploding. Shocked, Sturgis protested that he only wanted to increase profits so that the hospital could help more people, and didn’t realize what his policies were doing to the babies.
Corky and Ray Ray were catching up on old times in the Little Varsity Jr. Ray Ray explained that he was now with an insurance firm, and had come to help make the hospital safe. Rosie entered and confronted Corky about his touching Vanessa’s breasts. Distraught, Rosie cried out that she needed somebody to take her away from this madhouse. Ray Ray took her up on the offer.
Father Bob took confession from an audience member, then demanded that she get on her knees and repent.
As Rosie Jay poured out her heart at Ray Ray’s place, Ray Ray introduced her to the joys of sniffing glue. As she began huffing, her psychic powers kicked in and she had a vision of Yummy and Barney tying up Sturgis to force him to listen to reason. She was torn between her need to save the hospital and her drug-induced indifference.
Father Bob asked Sturgis to make some renovations to the chapel while they’re doing the construction, then suggested that the chocolate river could include a boat ride that climaxes with a film of a chicken getting its head chopped off. Changing the subject, Sturgis confided that he’d recently discovered his own conscience, and was disturbed to learn that his policies had led to exploding babies. (“You’re talking about the Maternity Vacuum?”) Sturgis explained that he thought that babies still breathed amniotic fluid and that oxygen was therefore an unnecessary expense. He asked Father Bob how he could become less selfish.
Vanessa and Stern were on the rooftop, watching the sunset. Stern apologized for his drunken insensitivity. (“You’re so good looking, sometimes I forget to have feelings for you.”) Vanessa began to leave, explaining that she had patients to take care of. Stern protested that he had a dying patient in his pants who needs her.
As Yummy was putting in drywall, Corky waxed enthusiastic about the new wing, declaring that the hospital would now be able to take care of that busload of poor kids that got burned in an accident. Yummy tried to explain to him that the new ward was being set aside for rich, vain people and not for those who really need it. Suddenly, Sturgis rushed in and announced that he’d had a change of heart. Not only was he opening the new ward to those poor kids, but he’d throw in breast implants for all of them.
Unaware of Sturgis’ new plans, Barney was preparing for revolution at the triage station. Suddenly, Rosie staggered in, hopped-up on glue fumes. As she began going into withdrawal, Barney demanded to know who had done this to her. She replied that she’d done it to herself, then fainted face-first into his lap. Gently stroking her hair (which fell off due to her glue abuse), Barney launched into a tender, rambling pastoral metaphor of his concern for her.
Stern Boyer was drowning his sorrows in the bar, complaining to Ray Ray about his troubles with Vanessa. (“Women are like cats, they scratch…and press charges.”) Suddenly, Barney came in and angrily threw the huffing-bag down on the floor to confront Ray Ray. Filled with drunken macho posturing, both Ray Ray and Stern scoffed at Barney’s accusation. Barney asked “If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s there, does anybody hear it?” Then he punched Stern in the face.
In the new burn ward, Corky was entertaining the kids by telling them about his favorite episodes of “Dragon Tales.” Vanessa entered and told him she would have to stop letting him touch her boobs, because their actions were hurting others that they care about. Corky protested that he loved her, and that he wanted to build a hut with her like the dragons…but now she’d burned down that hut. The kids started crying at the mention of “burning.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were discussing what to do with the profits from their illegal sales of the new wonder drug Cialaviaglevitra. After contemplating installing a chocolate river maintained by orange midgets, they decided to attract a more upscale clientele by refocusing the hospital’s resources on cosmetic surgery.
Rosie Jay was giving Vanessa a ride to her pedicure appointment. Vanessa complained that her feet were killing her because somebody had stolen her work shoes, forcing her to walk in high heels all day. When Rosie suggested that Corky might be the culprit, Vanessa became indignant that he’d do that after she let him touch her boobs. After hearing this, Rosie threw Vanessa out of the ambulance in a bad part of town.
Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” on a portable TV at the triage station when his old tormentor from school, Ray Ray McGurk, arrived.
On the loading dock, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler, Nurse Barney Kabob, and Father Bob Houdini were bringing in 2x4s for the construction of the new plastic surgery wing. As they complained about Sturgis’ new plans, they began wondering why they were helping to build the new wing instead of confronting him about it. Unfortunately, before they could resolve to take action, they got bogged down in the “if a tree falls in the forest” debate.
Nurse Vanessa Goodhead was walking through a bad part of town (in high heels) when a drunken Stern Boyer arrived. When he offered to help, she angrily reminded him of how he stood her up at the prom all those years ago, then slapped his face. The homeless people were thrilled to see violence against the rich.
On a high window-washer’s platform, Sturgis was overseeing the construction of the Joan Rivers Memorial Plastic Surgery Ward when Barney and Yummy confronted him. Yummy pointed out that, while he’s spending money on this new wing, there’s no oxygen in the nursery and babies are exploding. Shocked, Sturgis protested that he only wanted to increase profits so that the hospital could help more people, and didn’t realize what his policies were doing to the babies.
Corky and Ray Ray were catching up on old times in the Little Varsity Jr. Ray Ray explained that he was now with an insurance firm, and had come to help make the hospital safe. Rosie entered and confronted Corky about his touching Vanessa’s breasts. Distraught, Rosie cried out that she needed somebody to take her away from this madhouse. Ray Ray took her up on the offer.
Father Bob took confession from an audience member, then demanded that she get on her knees and repent.
As Rosie Jay poured out her heart at Ray Ray’s place, Ray Ray introduced her to the joys of sniffing glue. As she began huffing, her psychic powers kicked in and she had a vision of Yummy and Barney tying up Sturgis to force him to listen to reason. She was torn between her need to save the hospital and her drug-induced indifference.
Father Bob asked Sturgis to make some renovations to the chapel while they’re doing the construction, then suggested that the chocolate river could include a boat ride that climaxes with a film of a chicken getting its head chopped off. Changing the subject, Sturgis confided that he’d recently discovered his own conscience, and was disturbed to learn that his policies had led to exploding babies. (“You’re talking about the Maternity Vacuum?”) Sturgis explained that he thought that babies still breathed amniotic fluid and that oxygen was therefore an unnecessary expense. He asked Father Bob how he could become less selfish.
Vanessa and Stern were on the rooftop, watching the sunset. Stern apologized for his drunken insensitivity. (“You’re so good looking, sometimes I forget to have feelings for you.”) Vanessa began to leave, explaining that she had patients to take care of. Stern protested that he had a dying patient in his pants who needs her.
As Yummy was putting in drywall, Corky waxed enthusiastic about the new wing, declaring that the hospital would now be able to take care of that busload of poor kids that got burned in an accident. Yummy tried to explain to him that the new ward was being set aside for rich, vain people and not for those who really need it. Suddenly, Sturgis rushed in and announced that he’d had a change of heart. Not only was he opening the new ward to those poor kids, but he’d throw in breast implants for all of them.
Unaware of Sturgis’ new plans, Barney was preparing for revolution at the triage station. Suddenly, Rosie staggered in, hopped-up on glue fumes. As she began going into withdrawal, Barney demanded to know who had done this to her. She replied that she’d done it to herself, then fainted face-first into his lap. Gently stroking her hair (which fell off due to her glue abuse), Barney launched into a tender, rambling pastoral metaphor of his concern for her.
Stern Boyer was drowning his sorrows in the bar, complaining to Ray Ray about his troubles with Vanessa. (“Women are like cats, they scratch…and press charges.”) Suddenly, Barney came in and angrily threw the huffing-bag down on the floor to confront Ray Ray. Filled with drunken macho posturing, both Ray Ray and Stern scoffed at Barney’s accusation. Barney asked “If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s there, does anybody hear it?” Then he punched Stern in the face.
In the new burn ward, Corky was entertaining the kids by telling them about his favorite episodes of “Dragon Tales.” Vanessa entered and told him she would have to stop letting him touch her boobs, because their actions were hurting others that they care about. Corky protested that he loved her, and that he wanted to build a hut with her like the dragons…but now she’d burned down that hut. The kids started crying at the mention of “burning.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Season 10, Episode 5: Think Long and Hard
Episode 5: Think Long and Hard
Having returned from a pharmaceutical convention, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was discussing the plans for the hospital’s 100th anniversary celebration with Head Nurse Yummy Wampler. When Yummy complained that their budget problems would keep them from doing anything worthy of the momentous occasion, Sturgis mentioned a possible solution: at the convention, he’d learned about a new drug, Cialaviaglevitra, which not only cured erectile dysfunction, but enlarged the penis and tasted like cherry soda. However, since it hadn’t been approved by the FDA yet, it would be illegal for them to profit from it.
In the ambulance, Paramedic Rosie Jay was transporting Patience Dorgan-Honer, a woman who had attempted to extract her own kidney. When Rosie noted that Patience was remarkably conscious for such an ordeal, Patience replied that she was so used to donating her organs that it didn’t affect her anymore. She went on to explain that she made her living by receiving transplants and then later donating the organs at a profit. Suddenly, Rosie was struck by a psychic premonition: she saw Sturgis St. Cloud talking baseball with accountant Stern Boyer. Rosie knew that this seemingly innocent vision masked a darker meaning.
While preparing for the centennial celebration, Dr. Corky Howser told Nurse Barney Kabob how much he admired Barney’s cool, tough image. He asked if Barney would help him be cool by giving him a prison tattoo. Barney agreed, and offered to make Corky his prison buddy.
Todd Baio was decorating a centennial cake at the triage station when Stern Boyer arrived and clumsily knocked everything over. Stern explained that he was a big fan of Todd’s acting work (especially “Ski Patrol Jesters”), and had arranged Todd’s pseudo-internship at the hospital to further his career. Now, Stern demanded payment.
As Yummy and Corky were blowing up balloons, Yummy began rambling on with numerous plans for the centennial and her own personal life. When Corky asked about her sudden hyperactivity, she explained that Sturgis had given her a sample of the new drug. Corky began to lecture her on their sacred oath as medical personnel, but got distracted by a balloon.
Stern Boyer entered Sturgis St. Cloud’s office to discuss the hospital’s financial troubles. Sturgis replied that he’d found the answer, and gave Stern a sample of Cialaviaglevitra. Exclaiming that the effect was like “a volcano in my pants,” Stern found himself unable to focus on anything else.
In the examination room, Patience Dorgan-Honer presented Todd Baio with a cooler full of organs that she’d brought in, then demanded payment. She explained that she was basically a go-between for black-market organs, and Todd pondered the ethics of her business.
Rosie Jay tried to warn Barney about her premonition, explaining that the baseball conversation was really an omen of death. However, Barney couldn’t concentrate because of the sexual tension between them. They worried that things would get weird between them if they did it, and they started to argue. Then they kissed passionately.
Seventeen minutes later, the post-coital Rosie informed Barney that there could never be anything more than a physical relationship between them, because she was in love with somebody else. Barney was okay with that, until she told him that the person she loved was Corky. Then it got weird.
Sturgis St. Cloud made an illicit drug deal in the chapel, instructing the buyer to make future purchases by stopping by the confessional booth and giving the password “I’ve had impure thoughts about an impure donkey.”
The hopped-up Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Stern Boyer entered, covering his crotch and moaning in desperation. Suddenly, Stern went into penile arrest.
After operating on her, Dr. Corky Howser was enthusiastically telling Patience Dorgan-Honer about his new best friend Barney. He showed her his new “prison tattoo” of himself and Barney, and listed all the cool things they did together…including Barney putting his ding-dong in Corky’s secret place. Shocked, Patience tried to tell Corky that wasn’t the act of a best friend, but of “a takin’-advantage-of sonofabitch.” Just then, Yummy rushed in and told Corky that Stern needed emergency care for his erection. Corky immediately covered his ass.
At the centennial celebration, Barney Kabob sat in the dunking booth, taunting the customers. Todd walked by, dejected by a heckler’s comment about his mime routine. Barney stepped out of the booth and offered Todd some encouragement. Touched by Barney’s understanding, Todd said that if he ever had children, he’d want Barney to be their godfather and take care of them. He then presented Barney with a hand-made award for childcare. Barney stepped onto the platform and began an acceptance speech…and was immediately dunked.
For her act, Rosie entertained the crowd with some ambulance stunt-driving in the parking lot, while Sturgis waved out the window. Rosie told Sturgis that she knew he was responsible for Yummy’s recent manic behavior, and warned him to lay off. In response, Sturgis distracted Rosie and planted some drugs in her ambulance.
Corky prepared to operate on Stern Boyer, assisted by Yummy and Patience; however, he found the sight of Stern’s bulging “ding-dong” too traumatic to proceed. Desperate and furious, Stern began threatening them until Corky knocked him out with his “retard-grip.” Patience mentioned to Corky that Sturgis St. Cloud had promised to marry her if she kept giving the hospital her business. Aghast, Yummy confessed that Sturgis had proposed to her as well.
Barney was cleaning up the parking lot after the festivities when Corky came by. Upset by Rosie’s feelings for Corky, Barney first snapped angrily at him, then began sobbing and told Corky to treat her nice. Corky had no idea what Barney was talking about.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having returned from a pharmaceutical convention, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was discussing the plans for the hospital’s 100th anniversary celebration with Head Nurse Yummy Wampler. When Yummy complained that their budget problems would keep them from doing anything worthy of the momentous occasion, Sturgis mentioned a possible solution: at the convention, he’d learned about a new drug, Cialaviaglevitra, which not only cured erectile dysfunction, but enlarged the penis and tasted like cherry soda. However, since it hadn’t been approved by the FDA yet, it would be illegal for them to profit from it.
In the ambulance, Paramedic Rosie Jay was transporting Patience Dorgan-Honer, a woman who had attempted to extract her own kidney. When Rosie noted that Patience was remarkably conscious for such an ordeal, Patience replied that she was so used to donating her organs that it didn’t affect her anymore. She went on to explain that she made her living by receiving transplants and then later donating the organs at a profit. Suddenly, Rosie was struck by a psychic premonition: she saw Sturgis St. Cloud talking baseball with accountant Stern Boyer. Rosie knew that this seemingly innocent vision masked a darker meaning.
While preparing for the centennial celebration, Dr. Corky Howser told Nurse Barney Kabob how much he admired Barney’s cool, tough image. He asked if Barney would help him be cool by giving him a prison tattoo. Barney agreed, and offered to make Corky his prison buddy.
Todd Baio was decorating a centennial cake at the triage station when Stern Boyer arrived and clumsily knocked everything over. Stern explained that he was a big fan of Todd’s acting work (especially “Ski Patrol Jesters”), and had arranged Todd’s pseudo-internship at the hospital to further his career. Now, Stern demanded payment.
As Yummy and Corky were blowing up balloons, Yummy began rambling on with numerous plans for the centennial and her own personal life. When Corky asked about her sudden hyperactivity, she explained that Sturgis had given her a sample of the new drug. Corky began to lecture her on their sacred oath as medical personnel, but got distracted by a balloon.
Stern Boyer entered Sturgis St. Cloud’s office to discuss the hospital’s financial troubles. Sturgis replied that he’d found the answer, and gave Stern a sample of Cialaviaglevitra. Exclaiming that the effect was like “a volcano in my pants,” Stern found himself unable to focus on anything else.
In the examination room, Patience Dorgan-Honer presented Todd Baio with a cooler full of organs that she’d brought in, then demanded payment. She explained that she was basically a go-between for black-market organs, and Todd pondered the ethics of her business.
Rosie Jay tried to warn Barney about her premonition, explaining that the baseball conversation was really an omen of death. However, Barney couldn’t concentrate because of the sexual tension between them. They worried that things would get weird between them if they did it, and they started to argue. Then they kissed passionately.
Seventeen minutes later, the post-coital Rosie informed Barney that there could never be anything more than a physical relationship between them, because she was in love with somebody else. Barney was okay with that, until she told him that the person she loved was Corky. Then it got weird.
Sturgis St. Cloud made an illicit drug deal in the chapel, instructing the buyer to make future purchases by stopping by the confessional booth and giving the password “I’ve had impure thoughts about an impure donkey.”
The hopped-up Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Stern Boyer entered, covering his crotch and moaning in desperation. Suddenly, Stern went into penile arrest.
After operating on her, Dr. Corky Howser was enthusiastically telling Patience Dorgan-Honer about his new best friend Barney. He showed her his new “prison tattoo” of himself and Barney, and listed all the cool things they did together…including Barney putting his ding-dong in Corky’s secret place. Shocked, Patience tried to tell Corky that wasn’t the act of a best friend, but of “a takin’-advantage-of sonofabitch.” Just then, Yummy rushed in and told Corky that Stern needed emergency care for his erection. Corky immediately covered his ass.
At the centennial celebration, Barney Kabob sat in the dunking booth, taunting the customers. Todd walked by, dejected by a heckler’s comment about his mime routine. Barney stepped out of the booth and offered Todd some encouragement. Touched by Barney’s understanding, Todd said that if he ever had children, he’d want Barney to be their godfather and take care of them. He then presented Barney with a hand-made award for childcare. Barney stepped onto the platform and began an acceptance speech…and was immediately dunked.
For her act, Rosie entertained the crowd with some ambulance stunt-driving in the parking lot, while Sturgis waved out the window. Rosie told Sturgis that she knew he was responsible for Yummy’s recent manic behavior, and warned him to lay off. In response, Sturgis distracted Rosie and planted some drugs in her ambulance.
Corky prepared to operate on Stern Boyer, assisted by Yummy and Patience; however, he found the sight of Stern’s bulging “ding-dong” too traumatic to proceed. Desperate and furious, Stern began threatening them until Corky knocked him out with his “retard-grip.” Patience mentioned to Corky that Sturgis St. Cloud had promised to marry her if she kept giving the hospital her business. Aghast, Yummy confessed that Sturgis had proposed to her as well.
Barney was cleaning up the parking lot after the festivities when Corky came by. Upset by Rosie’s feelings for Corky, Barney first snapped angrily at him, then began sobbing and told Corky to treat her nice. Corky had no idea what Barney was talking about.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)