Episode 5: Arms and the Man
Daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions and Sealman Rushdie were recuperating from their respective injuries in the circus’ infirmary. Having been clubbed by Irina Busliftor, Sealman needed a skull transplant—or, failing that, he could take Robbie’s helmet. Robbie explained that, after his numerous head injuries, his helmet was the only thing holding his brain inside his head…just as his spandex jumpsuit was the only thing holding his body together (having donated all his skin for grafts for all the kids he’d burned in his last stunt). Robbie lamented that he could never be naked again.
Circus owner Reggie Bunkler was in his office when Robbie came in and punched him for not visiting him in the infirmary. After Robbie left, Mrs. Busliftor entered and took all the money from the Swear Jar. She informed him that she had come to take her son Viktor back to Russia, explaining that her homeland needed a strong man to take charge, so she was going to reinstate him as the new Czar. She then revealed that she was prepared to buy Viktor’s freedom with sex, placing her leg on Reggie’s desk Mrs. Robinson-style. Reggie was repulsed yet transfixed by her attempt to seduce him.
Truck Tarkenton was apologizing to Stoolts for having dinner with Stoolts’ girlfriend Deb Henderson, explaining that it was a blind date and that he didn’t know he was being fixed up with Deb. Stoolts warned that he would kill Truck if Truck saw Deb again.
Deb and Viktor were having tea together. Viktor rhapsodized on the superiority of Asian tea to European tea, explaining that Oolong was “honest tea.” Deb replied that she admired honesty.
Reggie ran to the infirmary, panicked by his encounter with Mrs. Busliftor. He started to tell Sealman about it, but found he could only express his dismay by breaking into a song titled “I Feel So Dirty.”
Viktor looked in his refrigerator for some water and was shocked to discover a bottle of vodka and a box of condoms. He confronted his mother about her drinking and whoring, and she explained that she had done it for the sake of his freedom. He retorted that he didn’t want to go back to Russia—if she wants to take him back, she would have to drag him there until he dies. He continued by explaining that he didn’t want to rule Russia; he was content with the small pleasure that came from an audience’s applause. She proposed that they compromise by taking over America instead.
Deb was giving Robbie a shoulder rub (as therapy for his injury, nothing else) and asking advice on her relationship with Stoolts. Robbie, true to his ‘Bad Decisions’ nickname, recommended that she keep moving from one relationship to the next before they get stale. Just then, Stoolts came in to break the news about Reggie’s encounter with Mrs. Busliftor. Seeing Deb with her hands on Robbie’s shoulders, he called her a “bearded hooker.”
Truck came to Reggie’s office and found Reggie in a state of shock. When Reggie explained how Mrs. Busliftor had seduced him, Truck was awestruck. He explained that he’d heard rumors about Mrs. Busliftor’s amazing sexual powers—her vagina was a healer. Truck reported that the one-armed Def Leppard drummer used to have no arms at all before he slept with her. When Reggie protested that he didn’t feel healed, Truck reassured him that in the morning, Reggie would wake up as a brand new man, “Reggie 2.0.”
The next morning, Reggie woke up to discover a baby arm growing out of his chest. He screamed in anguish.
Viktor came to see Sealman to discuss what to do about Viktor’s mother. They realized that they needed to get rid of her, but couldn’t figure out how to do it. Sealman suggested that they could arrange an “accident” by using the most accident-prone person in the circus: Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions.
Fed up with Stoolts’ jealousy, Deb ran to Truck for help. Truck informed her that Stoolts had threatened his life, and that he might have to kill Stoolts first for their own protection. Deb was outwardly dismayed, but secretly attracted by Truck’s dangerous bad-boy persona. (“Your mouth says no, but your breasts say yes.”)
Irina Busliftor encountered Stoolts and was impressed by his stature. Since her son was unwilling to take up the mantle of Czar, she asked Stoolts to come to Russia and take power with her. Confused, Stoolts started asking many questions about how the Russian election process worked, until Irina cut him off by saying that he was thinking too much. Stoolts took that as a compliment.
Robbie was practicing his newest stunt, riding his bike while lifting a barbell. Viktor and Sealman came to see him and were surprised to see Robbie stealing Viktor’s act. Robbie boasted that he could do the work of everybody in the circus: He has Viktor’s strength, Sealman’s musical talent, and Deb’s facial hair. And he toured with the Scorpions, just like Truck.
Reggie came to Deb’s trailer, hoping that Truck could help him with his new third arm. As Reggie and Deb talked, she opened up about her relationship problems. Reggie advised her to ignore Robbie’s advice and follow her heart. In turn, she suggested that Reggie follow his baby arm. The baby arm gripped Reggie’s finger, and he was suddenly filled with parental pride.
In preparation for his new position as Czar, Stoolts was practicing Russian jokes. Caught up in his monologue, he failed to notice Truck sneaking up behind him with a wrench. Truck swung the wrench, and Stoolts went down like a giant redwood.
Irina Busliftor was sitting in the empty center ring, singing Russian songs and basking in the imaginary applause. Sealman and Robbie sneaked in to eliminate her, but upon seeing her, Robbie was instantly smitten. Robbie took her in his arms and blew on her pinwheel (no, that’s not a metaphor). Just then, Viktor entered, shocked by the sight. Irina broke away from Robbie’s embrace, fed up with all the craziness. She placed a Russian curse on the entire circus: “May your child’s arms grow out of your chests, and may death befall you all!” With that, she vanished in a puff of smoke, to Robbie’s dismay and Viktor’s relief.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label mrs. busliftor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mrs. busliftor. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Season 14, Episode 4: Mother Russia
Episode 4: Mother Russia
Circus owner Reggie Bunkler called a meeting of the entire staff, explaining that the circus needed to change its name to duck all the lawsuits against it. Everyone began brainstorming new names. Viktor suggested “Smokey and the Bandit.” Truck proposed “The Guaranteed Somebody’s Gonna Die Circus.” Sasha offered “The Sasha Experience.” Deb countered with “The Sasha’s a Big Bitch Experience.”
Stoolts asked Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm for advice on his girl troubles, explaining that Deb had caught him talking to Sasha and getting an erection. (“Now she’s gonna leave me, and we were gonna open a pizza place someday!”) The conversation drifted onto the subject of pizza.
Sasha and Sealman were having ice cream together and discussing the circus’ new name. Sealman considered a meaningless, one-word name like upscale restaurants use. When Sasha suggested that he write down his ideas, he confessed that he couldn’t read or write…and he needed to learn so that he could realize his dream of joining the Atlanta Sympathy Orchestra. Sasha told him that he first needed to get rid of his defeatist attitude.
Strongman Viktor Busliftor came to Truck’s workshop, where Truck was sawing off the end of a shotgun. Truck proposed a new act, where Viktor would set his mustache on fire, and Truck would put it out with a shotgun. Viktor replied that he had done that before—that was how his face got the way it is now. They discussed the possibility of Viktor getting a face transplant.
Reggie called Deb into his office to discuss the decline in her customer-service skills. She explained that she’d been preoccupied with her relationship with Stoolts. When Reggie pointed out that fraternization between co-workers was against the rules, she protested “I’m a bearded lady! If I don’t get any here, I’m not gonna get any anywhere!” She then explained that her jealousy over Sasha had driven her into a murderous rage, and she suggested that she put that rage to good use by becoming the circus’ official hitman. Reggie replied that he didn’t need anyone killed, then tried to calm her down by setting her up on a blind date.
Sasha and Gunther had a heart-to-heart about their love/hate relationship. She explained that she could not deal with his beauty, as it drew attention away from her. As they bickered, the sexual tension grew until they threw themselves into each other’s arms.
Sealman and Truck were watching girls walk by, making lewd comments.
Deb was in her train car, angrily baking rat-poison treats, when Stoolts came by to apologize for his encounter with Sasha. (“It wasn’t like my pants were down…because I can’t take my clothes off.”) He then explained that he couldn’t help it if Sasha’s attracted to him—after all, he’s tall, sensitive, and has read all the ‘Twilight’ novels.
Reggie called Viktor to his office, where Viktor asked Reggie the purpose of Reggie’s ‘Swear Jar.’ Reggie explained that he kept the circus clean by making everybody put in money when they use profanity, and that money would go to the performers (in the form of a skee-ball party) at the end of the year. They then turned to a more pressing matter—the impending visit by Viktor’s mother. Just then, Mrs. Busliftor arrived, screeching her son’s name. Reggie mistook the shrill, blaring cry for an elephant’s death rattle.
Later, Viktor was showing his mother around the circus, though she was unimpressed. She wanted him to return to Russia, declaring that he’s wasting away and becoming a decadent American. As proof, she pointed out that he now smells of Old Spice.
In Gunther’s train car, Sasha and Gunther were attempting to keep their passion under control. She declared that it would never work out, as she knows from his flamboyant costumes and luxurious hair that he’s gay. When he protested that she was stereotyping him, she pointed out that his very name is “Gayfer.” He insisted that his attraction for her was real, and they lay down upon Gunther’s tiny bed. Having to assume a contorted pose to fit on the bed, Sasha worried that everybody could see her butt.
Deb was prettying herself up when her blind date arrived—Truck Tarkenton. Truck gave her some flowers, and she served her special Chicken Royale recipe (chicken and green beans). Just then, Stoolts came by to share the news that Sasha had shown her butt to everyone. Seeing Deb and Truck together, Stoolts shouted “What the fuck’s going on?” Then he threw some money towards the Swear Jar, since he couldn’t walk that far.
Afterwards, Stoolts poured out his heart to Sealman, who declared that he was going to make a man of Stoolts by finding another woman for him. Just then, Irina Busliftor walked by. When Sealman approached her to fix her up with Stoolts, she clubbed Sealman with a large bone.
Leaving their respective liaisons, Sasha and Deb ran into each other. They argued and insulted each other viciously.
Viktor and Gunther were playing ping-pong and discussing Mrs. Busliftor’s visit. When Viktor complained that his mother drives him crazy, Gunther sympathetically replied that he doesn’t love his parents either. Viktor clarified that he wasn’t going that far—he never said he didn’t love his mother, just that she drove him crazy. Gunther further explained that he and his parents were emotionally cut off from each other—Gunther is carrying on his family lion-taming tradition, though his father isn’t there to see it. Viktor suggested that Gunther mend fences with his parents, then realized he should take his own advice. They then came up with an idea for a new act—Gunther would move from lion-taming to mother-taming.
Truck was telling Reggie about his date with Deb. (“We had chicken and green beans from a can, then she got in a fight with her boyfriend. Best date ever.”) Grateful for Reggie fixing them up, Truck said that he owed Reggie a big debt and would do anything to pay him back. Reggie immediately called in that favor, explaining that Sealman had been clubbed…and since the circus couldn’t afford a vet, they needed Truck to check him for brain damage.
Reggie revealed the circus’ new name: “The Smokey and the Bandit Imminent Death Family Circus.”
Stoolts picked up Mrs. Busliftor for their date, hoping that she would soon segue into speaking English like in ‘Hunt for Red October.’
Taking the stage for his big number, the injured Sealman sang a chorus of “Sunday Bloody Sunday,” then immediately collapsed.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Circus owner Reggie Bunkler called a meeting of the entire staff, explaining that the circus needed to change its name to duck all the lawsuits against it. Everyone began brainstorming new names. Viktor suggested “Smokey and the Bandit.” Truck proposed “The Guaranteed Somebody’s Gonna Die Circus.” Sasha offered “The Sasha Experience.” Deb countered with “The Sasha’s a Big Bitch Experience.”
Stoolts asked Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm for advice on his girl troubles, explaining that Deb had caught him talking to Sasha and getting an erection. (“Now she’s gonna leave me, and we were gonna open a pizza place someday!”) The conversation drifted onto the subject of pizza.
Sasha and Sealman were having ice cream together and discussing the circus’ new name. Sealman considered a meaningless, one-word name like upscale restaurants use. When Sasha suggested that he write down his ideas, he confessed that he couldn’t read or write…and he needed to learn so that he could realize his dream of joining the Atlanta Sympathy Orchestra. Sasha told him that he first needed to get rid of his defeatist attitude.
Strongman Viktor Busliftor came to Truck’s workshop, where Truck was sawing off the end of a shotgun. Truck proposed a new act, where Viktor would set his mustache on fire, and Truck would put it out with a shotgun. Viktor replied that he had done that before—that was how his face got the way it is now. They discussed the possibility of Viktor getting a face transplant.
Reggie called Deb into his office to discuss the decline in her customer-service skills. She explained that she’d been preoccupied with her relationship with Stoolts. When Reggie pointed out that fraternization between co-workers was against the rules, she protested “I’m a bearded lady! If I don’t get any here, I’m not gonna get any anywhere!” She then explained that her jealousy over Sasha had driven her into a murderous rage, and she suggested that she put that rage to good use by becoming the circus’ official hitman. Reggie replied that he didn’t need anyone killed, then tried to calm her down by setting her up on a blind date.
Sasha and Gunther had a heart-to-heart about their love/hate relationship. She explained that she could not deal with his beauty, as it drew attention away from her. As they bickered, the sexual tension grew until they threw themselves into each other’s arms.
Sealman and Truck were watching girls walk by, making lewd comments.
Deb was in her train car, angrily baking rat-poison treats, when Stoolts came by to apologize for his encounter with Sasha. (“It wasn’t like my pants were down…because I can’t take my clothes off.”) He then explained that he couldn’t help it if Sasha’s attracted to him—after all, he’s tall, sensitive, and has read all the ‘Twilight’ novels.
Reggie called Viktor to his office, where Viktor asked Reggie the purpose of Reggie’s ‘Swear Jar.’ Reggie explained that he kept the circus clean by making everybody put in money when they use profanity, and that money would go to the performers (in the form of a skee-ball party) at the end of the year. They then turned to a more pressing matter—the impending visit by Viktor’s mother. Just then, Mrs. Busliftor arrived, screeching her son’s name. Reggie mistook the shrill, blaring cry for an elephant’s death rattle.
Later, Viktor was showing his mother around the circus, though she was unimpressed. She wanted him to return to Russia, declaring that he’s wasting away and becoming a decadent American. As proof, she pointed out that he now smells of Old Spice.
In Gunther’s train car, Sasha and Gunther were attempting to keep their passion under control. She declared that it would never work out, as she knows from his flamboyant costumes and luxurious hair that he’s gay. When he protested that she was stereotyping him, she pointed out that his very name is “Gayfer.” He insisted that his attraction for her was real, and they lay down upon Gunther’s tiny bed. Having to assume a contorted pose to fit on the bed, Sasha worried that everybody could see her butt.
Deb was prettying herself up when her blind date arrived—Truck Tarkenton. Truck gave her some flowers, and she served her special Chicken Royale recipe (chicken and green beans). Just then, Stoolts came by to share the news that Sasha had shown her butt to everyone. Seeing Deb and Truck together, Stoolts shouted “What the fuck’s going on?” Then he threw some money towards the Swear Jar, since he couldn’t walk that far.
Afterwards, Stoolts poured out his heart to Sealman, who declared that he was going to make a man of Stoolts by finding another woman for him. Just then, Irina Busliftor walked by. When Sealman approached her to fix her up with Stoolts, she clubbed Sealman with a large bone.
Leaving their respective liaisons, Sasha and Deb ran into each other. They argued and insulted each other viciously.
Viktor and Gunther were playing ping-pong and discussing Mrs. Busliftor’s visit. When Viktor complained that his mother drives him crazy, Gunther sympathetically replied that he doesn’t love his parents either. Viktor clarified that he wasn’t going that far—he never said he didn’t love his mother, just that she drove him crazy. Gunther further explained that he and his parents were emotionally cut off from each other—Gunther is carrying on his family lion-taming tradition, though his father isn’t there to see it. Viktor suggested that Gunther mend fences with his parents, then realized he should take his own advice. They then came up with an idea for a new act—Gunther would move from lion-taming to mother-taming.
Truck was telling Reggie about his date with Deb. (“We had chicken and green beans from a can, then she got in a fight with her boyfriend. Best date ever.”) Grateful for Reggie fixing them up, Truck said that he owed Reggie a big debt and would do anything to pay him back. Reggie immediately called in that favor, explaining that Sealman had been clubbed…and since the circus couldn’t afford a vet, they needed Truck to check him for brain damage.
Reggie revealed the circus’ new name: “The Smokey and the Bandit Imminent Death Family Circus.”
Stoolts picked up Mrs. Busliftor for their date, hoping that she would soon segue into speaking English like in ‘Hunt for Red October.’
Taking the stage for his big number, the injured Sealman sang a chorus of “Sunday Bloody Sunday,” then immediately collapsed.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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