Episode 6: Everybody Dies
Captain Flash Buckstar and Harmonica were preparing for the moonbase’s upcoming Fantasy Enchantment Parade. This had to be the biggest event of the season, outdoing even the Sandy Hawkins Dance on Uranus. As they discussed the plans, they found that they could no longer hide their feelings for one another, and they decided to meet later that night…privately.
In the shuttle, Gortex was carrying a passenger to the base: Blake Cherish, former kickboxing champion turned corporate surveyor for Peck Calhoun’s oil company. Blake explained that, now that Calhoun had bought the moon’s oil supply from the Hawk-People, he’d been sent to observe and evaluate the moonbase personnel. Gortex was more interested in Blake’s martial-arts prowess, and challenged him to unarmed combat.
While preparing the drinks for the big event, Prince Schmultan told Altair-9000 how much he respected Altair for his memory and abilities. Altair replied that nobody had ever expressed appreciation for him…they were usually too busy giving him orders and reprogramming him to kill. Schmultan offered him a Restraint Restrainer to stop him from being reprogrammed again, but told him he had to decide for himself whether to install it.
Harmonica greeted Johnny Forever, the entertainer hired for the Fantasy Enchantment Parade. She told him that he’d be sharing the bill with Altair, who would be showing off his pop-and-lock dance moves. Johnny exclaimed that he’d been looking for a pop-and-lock dancer for his own act.
Flash Buckstar was at the console when Blake Cherish entered for Buckstar’s evaluation. Blake observed that Buckstar had been stripped of command several times and was never actually reappointed. However, he offered Buckstar a chance to make himself useful in the parade by sitting in a cage while kids throw wet sausages at him. Buckstar liked the idea of the cage and wet sausages, but suggested that they get drunk women instead of kids. They could make a video of it, and throw in a robot with no restraints…a Robot Gone Wild.
Johnny Forever asked Altair to dance in his shown. Altair agreed, but warned that he didn’t dare do his signature backspin move…the last time he tried it, he spun so fast that he accidentally cut off the legs of several kids. Johnny revealed that he knew all about the Backspin Massacre of Topeka…in fact, he had gone on Celebrity Jeopardy to raise money to get those kids new legs, so everything was all right now.
Schmultan and Gortex were putting the finishing touches on their parade float. Schmultan complimented Gortex on his floral arrangements and cherubs. Gortex first tried to maintain his macho Klingon image (“It’s the Flying Baby of Death!”), but finally confessed that Klingons are passionate in all things…not just war, but also decorating, baking and macramé. Johnny Forever came by and awarded their float the blue ribbon. Schmultan and Gortex hugged each other in celebration, then agreed never to mention it again.
Later, Johnny Forever ran into Gortex in the casino. Johnny reminisced about his last tour of the Klingon system, where he scored with 5 Klingon women. Gortex asked if he was sure about that, explaining that Klingons have five genders. (“Male, female, shemale, emale, and centidomingo.”) Unfazed by this revelation, Johnny offered Gortex a spot in the show: Gortex would demonstrate his talent by killing a random audience member with an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Flash Buckstar and Harmonica went out for a picnic, flirting over peanut butter. As they held each other passionately, Flash suddenly began choking on the peanut butter. Thinking quickly, Harmonica turned their embrace into the Heimlich maneuver.
Prince Schmultan was manning the festival’s blood-drive tent when Blake Cherish came by to evaluate him. After donating a pint, Blake informed Schmultan that the Hawk-People were standing in the way of corporate progress, then ordered Schmultan to clip his wings. A fight broke out. When Schmultan accidentally got his head stuck in a bucket, Blake seized the opportunity by stripping off his jacket and strangling Schmultan with it.
After setting up a camera for his “Robots Gone Wild” video, Flash Buckstar called Altair to the bridge and offered him a beer. Buckstar asked Altair if he’d ever been in a video, then asked him to shake his stuff for the camera. Altair reluctantly opened his chest panel, then sobbed that he felt dirty. In the interest of fairness, Buckstar opened his shirt for Altair.
In the bar, Johnny Forever asked Blake Cherish to join his show. (“I admire a man in a Mary Lou Retton jacket.”) Blake offered to demonstrate his kickboxing skills by fighting Gortex to the death. Johnny replied that Gortex already had a spot in the show, and suggested that he battle Buckstar instead.
Harmonica ran into the casino and told Gortex that she feared for Buckstar’s safety. Gortex realized that he could finally repay his blood-debt by saving Buckstar’s life. Suddenly, Gortex heard a distress signal, and rushed off to find Schmultan’s still form. Gortex performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…and continued the mouth-to-mouth even after Schmultan recovered.
Finally, the time came for Johnny Forever’s Spectacular. Johnny started off the show by singing to a girl from the audience. Johnny then pulled a man from the audience, and Gortex killed him by pressing a PBR can against his throat. Suddenly, Schmultan burst in and demanded vengeance against Blake Cherish. Johnny announced that the deathmatch between Blake and Buckstar would now be a three-way battle. The terrible struggle began. In the course of the melee, Schmultan accidentally impaled Harmonica with his sword-staff…several times. Schmultan slashed Blake, but Blake seized the sword-staff and struck Schmultan and Buckstar before collapsing himself. Gortex rushed to Schmultan’s side for more mouth-to-mouth. Buckstar staggered to his feet and announced that he was all right…just before Altair’s backspin knocked his legs out from under him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label harmonica. Show all posts
Showing posts with label harmonica. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Season 9, Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips
Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips
Having gained possession of the Mustache of Authority, Prince Schmultan was flying over the moon’s surface searching for a volcano to destroy it. He felt the power of the mustache tempting him (and even began speaking in a Gollumesque voice), but resisted and managed to hurl the mustache into the Crack of Doom.
Having served his sentence for attempting to destroy the Earth, Stephan Fechet was released from the brig by Altair-9000. Stephan complained about his harsh treatment, asking why he wasn’t given a second chance to learn from his mistakes.
ALTAIR: “Stephan, you were in jail for nine days for singeing the entire Earth.”
STEPHAN: “Well, don’t that seem a little fuckin’ steep?”
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker had Gortex run the medical scanner over her fetus, explaining that she had developed an ectopic pregnancy…so ectopic, in fact, that the baby was growing in her thigh. Gortex marveled that this phenomenon was unheard of in Klingon society. He explained that Klingon semen is so potent, it cuts the female into five pieces, and those pieces become babies. Impressed by the Klingons’ emphasis on strong father figures, Gaye asked Gortex to be her child’s father.
Captain Flash Buckstar and hotshot gambler Peck Calhoun were bonding over a game of Twenty-One. Buckstar confessed that he no longer felt like a man since losing his mustache.
Prince Schmultan was in the docking bay, waiting for the shuttle from Earth and news of Tamborina. Much to his surprise, the passenger who emerged from the shuttle was Tamborina’s sister Harmonica. She had good news and bad news…Tamborina had survived the scorching of the Earth, but she was seeing another man. Relieved yet heartbroken, Schmultan asked Harmonica to have a drink with him.
After installing a new memory chip in Altair-9000, Captain Buckstar told the robot that he’d lost his confidence to lead. (“All great leaders have mustaches, like Stalin and Wilford Brimley!”) Altair suggested that Buckstar start a self-improvement course, and find the mustache in his heart.
Peck Calhoun met with Gortex to draw up a contract regarding Peck’s ownership of Gortex. Gortex related his history to Peck: He was on a Klingon surveyor study, when a Russian cosmonaut fired a missile at their craft, stranding him on the moon. Gortex was so shamed by this defeat that he could not contact his people until he redeems himself by taking control of the base. Peck told him that he could control anything with money, and offered to help.
PECK: “I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the brawn.”
GORTEX: “Let’s make lots of money?”
PECK: “Damn, you got bad taste in music.”
Running into Stephan as he went about his janitorial duties, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker launched into a Shakespearean soliloquy about his fall to such a lowly station. Stephan blamed her for his actions, claiming that he never would have taken the Mustache of Authority if not for the tonic she gave him.
Prince Schmultan had a dream of the Mustache of Authority flying around his head, tempting him. He refused, and began battling the mustache. When he awoke, he discovered that his room had been wrecked. (“No dream could have turned over furniture!”)
Taking over her sister’s club, Harmonica was auditioning new talent. Altair tried out as an impressionist. (“Here’s my Bill Cosby… ‘I’m wearing a sweater!’”) Despite his lack of talent, Harmonica hired him. Since he serves as the station’s ATM, Altair suggested that he simply retain his pay inside himself.
Flash Buckstar went to Dr. Hoelikker’s office, wearing a thick fake beard to restore his authority…but it was only a temporary measure. Gaye gave him a serum to restore his facial hair, though she warned him that it had the side effect of periodic, uncontrollable urges to sing. (“Hair and power always come at a price.”)
Having been selected Klingon Hunk of the Year, Gortex was getting some photos taken by Stephan, in a sexy “Blow Up”-style montage. Gortex told Stephan how much he respected him for attempting to destroy the Earth. Stephan explained that he’d simply wanted to free the Earth from the oppressors and give it back to the people. Gortex pointed out the flaw in Stephan’s plan…the oppressors ARE people.
Prince Schmultan was giving Peck Calhoun a tour of the moon. Peck revealed that his Texas-senses had detected that the moon’s center was made entirely of oil. He offered to buy the moon, assuring Schmultan that the drilling would do no harm to the moon or Schmultan’s people…except for a few that he might have to kill over religious differences.
In the bar, Stephan Fechet and Harmonica started a conversation, but they kept talking at cross-purposes and nothing much came of it except that Harmonica established that her necklace was the secret to the moon’s survival.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker poured her tonic into one of Altair’s ports, instilling in him great ambition and a desire for Limburger cheese. With Altair firmly under her influence, she sent him out to kill Stephan.
Gortex and Schmultan were fishing in one of the moon’s canals. Unused to fly-fishing, Gortex explained the Klingon way of fishing: They hurl their ultra-powerful sperm into the water, killing the fish and causing them to float to the surface. When Schmultan remarked how disgusting that was, Gortex realized that he’d never really thought about it before. He immediately lost his taste for fish & chips.
In the casino, Flash Buckstar and Peck Calhoun proposed a game for the ultimate stakes. Peck put up his mustache, and Buckstar staked the base’s cache of weapons. Playing High-Low at ten paces, Buckstar drew a 9…but Peck drew an ace.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having gained possession of the Mustache of Authority, Prince Schmultan was flying over the moon’s surface searching for a volcano to destroy it. He felt the power of the mustache tempting him (and even began speaking in a Gollumesque voice), but resisted and managed to hurl the mustache into the Crack of Doom.
Having served his sentence for attempting to destroy the Earth, Stephan Fechet was released from the brig by Altair-9000. Stephan complained about his harsh treatment, asking why he wasn’t given a second chance to learn from his mistakes.
ALTAIR: “Stephan, you were in jail for nine days for singeing the entire Earth.”
STEPHAN: “Well, don’t that seem a little fuckin’ steep?”
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker had Gortex run the medical scanner over her fetus, explaining that she had developed an ectopic pregnancy…so ectopic, in fact, that the baby was growing in her thigh. Gortex marveled that this phenomenon was unheard of in Klingon society. He explained that Klingon semen is so potent, it cuts the female into five pieces, and those pieces become babies. Impressed by the Klingons’ emphasis on strong father figures, Gaye asked Gortex to be her child’s father.
Captain Flash Buckstar and hotshot gambler Peck Calhoun were bonding over a game of Twenty-One. Buckstar confessed that he no longer felt like a man since losing his mustache.
Prince Schmultan was in the docking bay, waiting for the shuttle from Earth and news of Tamborina. Much to his surprise, the passenger who emerged from the shuttle was Tamborina’s sister Harmonica. She had good news and bad news…Tamborina had survived the scorching of the Earth, but she was seeing another man. Relieved yet heartbroken, Schmultan asked Harmonica to have a drink with him.
After installing a new memory chip in Altair-9000, Captain Buckstar told the robot that he’d lost his confidence to lead. (“All great leaders have mustaches, like Stalin and Wilford Brimley!”) Altair suggested that Buckstar start a self-improvement course, and find the mustache in his heart.
Peck Calhoun met with Gortex to draw up a contract regarding Peck’s ownership of Gortex. Gortex related his history to Peck: He was on a Klingon surveyor study, when a Russian cosmonaut fired a missile at their craft, stranding him on the moon. Gortex was so shamed by this defeat that he could not contact his people until he redeems himself by taking control of the base. Peck told him that he could control anything with money, and offered to help.
PECK: “I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the brawn.”
GORTEX: “Let’s make lots of money?”
PECK: “Damn, you got bad taste in music.”
Running into Stephan as he went about his janitorial duties, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker launched into a Shakespearean soliloquy about his fall to such a lowly station. Stephan blamed her for his actions, claiming that he never would have taken the Mustache of Authority if not for the tonic she gave him.
Prince Schmultan had a dream of the Mustache of Authority flying around his head, tempting him. He refused, and began battling the mustache. When he awoke, he discovered that his room had been wrecked. (“No dream could have turned over furniture!”)
Taking over her sister’s club, Harmonica was auditioning new talent. Altair tried out as an impressionist. (“Here’s my Bill Cosby… ‘I’m wearing a sweater!’”) Despite his lack of talent, Harmonica hired him. Since he serves as the station’s ATM, Altair suggested that he simply retain his pay inside himself.
Flash Buckstar went to Dr. Hoelikker’s office, wearing a thick fake beard to restore his authority…but it was only a temporary measure. Gaye gave him a serum to restore his facial hair, though she warned him that it had the side effect of periodic, uncontrollable urges to sing. (“Hair and power always come at a price.”)
Having been selected Klingon Hunk of the Year, Gortex was getting some photos taken by Stephan, in a sexy “Blow Up”-style montage. Gortex told Stephan how much he respected him for attempting to destroy the Earth. Stephan explained that he’d simply wanted to free the Earth from the oppressors and give it back to the people. Gortex pointed out the flaw in Stephan’s plan…the oppressors ARE people.
Prince Schmultan was giving Peck Calhoun a tour of the moon. Peck revealed that his Texas-senses had detected that the moon’s center was made entirely of oil. He offered to buy the moon, assuring Schmultan that the drilling would do no harm to the moon or Schmultan’s people…except for a few that he might have to kill over religious differences.
In the bar, Stephan Fechet and Harmonica started a conversation, but they kept talking at cross-purposes and nothing much came of it except that Harmonica established that her necklace was the secret to the moon’s survival.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker poured her tonic into one of Altair’s ports, instilling in him great ambition and a desire for Limburger cheese. With Altair firmly under her influence, she sent him out to kill Stephan.
Gortex and Schmultan were fishing in one of the moon’s canals. Unused to fly-fishing, Gortex explained the Klingon way of fishing: They hurl their ultra-powerful sperm into the water, killing the fish and causing them to float to the surface. When Schmultan remarked how disgusting that was, Gortex realized that he’d never really thought about it before. He immediately lost his taste for fish & chips.
In the casino, Flash Buckstar and Peck Calhoun proposed a game for the ultimate stakes. Peck put up his mustache, and Buckstar staked the base’s cache of weapons. Playing High-Low at ten paces, Buckstar drew a 9…but Peck drew an ace.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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