Season 5, Episode 25: The Long Good Friday

Episode 25: The Long Good Friday

Since Will McGotnuthin had left town with his sisters, Constance Snell was teaching the class about Good Friday (despite her own lack of education). Titsy McJugpuddles entered and panicked at the sight of Constance (remembering their vicious catfight from Episode 22). Constance was surprised that Titsy was still going on about that incident. Constance explained that she had found Jesus, let go of the past, and forgiven Titsy for stealing the bar.

TITSY: “So what you’re saying is, you forgive me for repeatedly mashing my face into your fists?”

Titsy eventually forgave Constance, and they hugged. The embrace went on longer than was comfortable.

Brigham Young returned from Utah and paid a visit to the general store. Jesus Christ emerged from the restroom and was surprised by how much Brigham had changed. For Brigham, 40 years had passed, while only a few weeks had gone by in Little One Point. Jesus told Brigham that He needed to hide, because bad things always happen to Him on Good Friday. Brigham offered to help Jesus hide (“I have 27 wives. No one knows more about disguises than me”), if Jesus would help Brigham get his son back.

Trapper Jean was lounging around, forcing the mind-controlled Roswell Diabolicus to wait on him hand and foot. Jean ordered Roswell to change the baby’s diapers, but Roswell did such a bad job that Jean decided to do it himself. As he undressed the baby, he discovered the words “Love” and “Hate” written on the baby’s bottom.

Madeline Clementine and her brother, Ass Masterson, were still recuperating from the shock of the McGotnuthin sisters robbing them and raping Ass. Madeline told Ass that she needed his help reclaiming her badge from Roswell Diabolicus. Ass was somewhat distracted because he felt naked without his hat.

Jesus Christ paid a visit to Constance Snell, who has distraught over the strange feelings she’d developed when Titsy hugged her. She thought that perhaps becoming mayor would keep her too busy for these homosexual urges. Jesus told her that He didn’t object to anybody being gay, as long as they had love and not just lust in their hearts. He also offered to help her throw a campaign fund-raiser, supplying wine, loaves and fishes for refreshments.

Brigham Young went to the bar and met Titsy McJugpuddles. He asked Titsy to help him spread the word of Mormonism by using her feminine charms to lure converts. Titsy feared that she wouldn’t be accepted, but Brigham urged her to follow her heart. Brigham balanced a Bible on Titsy’s breasts, and she was amazed by how right it felt.

Constance and Trapper Jean held a debate at City Hall. Constance told the voters that Little One Point needed a mayor who knows the city, speaks the language, and didn’t kill the previous mayor. Trapper Jean reminded everybody that, as far as they knew, Hop Hop simply left town. He then argued that Constance shouldn’t be mayor because she’s a woman, and women can’t even vote. Constance turned the all-male voter pool to her advantage by promising free blowjobs if she’s elected.

Having been brought up on her family history, the amnesiac Madeline paid a visit to her biological father, Roswell Diabolicus. As they conversed, Madeline snatched the badge away from him. As she congratulated herself on her feat, Roswell shot her in the foot.

Brigham and Titsy were having a conversation over ice cream. She confessed that “Titsy McJugpuddles” was a stage name, and that her real name was Irina Perogies. He asked her if she’d thought about a future beyond her fan-dancing days, and she remembered the decrepit old women she’s seen in the old fan-dancers’ home. Brigham assured her that she didn’t have to end up like that, then proposed to her.

TITSY: “You’d want to marry a lesbian?”
BRIGHAM: “I’ve ALWAYS wanted to.”

Ass Masterson and Jesus (disguised as Little Red Riding Hood) were putting up flyers for Constance’s campaign. In the process, Ass accidentally nailed Jesus’ hand to the wall. Jesus reassured Ass that it wasn’t Ass’ fault…that this sort of thing always happens on Good Friday, and that He always comes back more powerful than before..

Constance Snell was taking a nap, with visions of Titsy dancing in her dreams. Wracked with guilt when she awoke, Constance prayed for guidance. God told her she already had all the knowledge she needed to make her decision…she just had to follow her heart.

Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Brigham came back to reclaim the baby. Roswell engaged in some elaborate speculation about Brigham’s advanced age, but Brigham suggested that he not think too hard about it. Roswell handed over the baby, warning Brigham that Jean would be upset. Roswell then pointed out the baby’s “Masterson birthmark.” These words on the child’s cheeks meant that the baby was destined to display his ass proudly and be invulnerable, just as Ass Masterson went around pantsless and survived a gunfight without flinching. As Brigham took his son in his arms, he realized that Roswell had committed a good, selfless act. Brigham assured Roswell that he could repent and earn forgiveness from God. Roswell put his hand on the Bible, and Brigham and Roswell spoke in one voice to pray for salvation.

After the election, Madeline counted the ballots, with Jean looking on to assure an accurate count. In the end, the ballots came out to a tie, so Madeline polled the crowd to vote for their candidate by applause. Constance was narrowly elected, but as she began her victory speech, Jean warned her “Remember what happened to Lincoln.”

TO BE CONTINUED…