Season 5, Episode 21: The Devil Went Down to Georgia

Episode 21: The Devil Went Down to Georgia

As a snowstorm raged outside, Sheriff Madeline Clementine read her father’s journal. Sensing she was troubled, Jesus Christ paid her a visit. She admitted that she was puzzled by the journal’s revelation that there is “another Clementine.” She was both thrilled and apprehensive about the possibility of having a long-lost sibling. She explained that, since she grew up with three brothers (now sheriffs in other towns) and without a mother, she grew up without any feminine influence and had to learn ladylike behavior from magazines. Jesus speculated that the “other Clementine” might refer to Madeline’s true inner self.

Since Will McGotnuthin hadn’t gotten back from Cumming yet, Titsy McJugpuddles was teaching the children about female anatomy. As she dismissed class due to the snowstorm, Trapper Jean strutted in, filled with renewed self-confidence. Titsy told Jean that she was not a one-man woman, but Jean replied that he could be more than one man if she wanted. Titsy pressured Jean to get her the saloon so that she could turn it into a man-dancing emporium and shopping center.

Ass Masterson wandered back into town. As Constance led him to his room at the hotel, Ass told her his life story. Years ago, Ass’ father gave his sheriff’s badge to his only daughter, causing his sons to split up. Ass wandered out into the desert, stripped off his clothes and dug himself a hole…but now he’s come out of the hole and come back to town. Constance was slightly disconcerted by Masterson’s bare-assed nature, but decided to overlook it. She told Ass that she’d just gotten a brand new vagina that “hadn’t been opened yet.” He offered to help her unwrap that present.

At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus huddled against the cold. Suddenly, he was struck by an inspiration: By firing the Rhode Island Cannon at Florida and setting the state ablaze, the northbound winds would carry the warmth to him. Roswell did so, gleefully listening to the destruction of Florida.

Hewitt P. Quagmire went to see Trapper Jean in the mayor’s office. Jean begged for more of Quagmire’s miraculous elixir, which looked different this time. (“It looks different EVERY time!”) Quagmire warned him that the elixir had a new price: someday, Quagmire will ask a favor, and Jean must do as he asks. (“Think of the multiple plot points I can set up.”) Jean accepted.

At the bar, Constance was stocking up in a snowstorm panic when Madeline arrived, followed shortly by Ass Masterson. Madeline and Ass recognized each other as their long-lost siblings, and they had a heartfelt reunion. Ass confessed that he blamed himself for their father’s death. Their daddy was not killed in a vicious slapfight, as Madeline always believed. What actually happened was that Roswell Diabolicus blew up the carriage that Ass was supposed to be coming home in, and their father witnessed the explosion and had a heart attack. Madeline reassured Ass that their daddy’s death wasn’t Ass’ fault. Madeline swore revenge on Roswell, and this time she REALLY meant it.

Basking in the heat from the Great Florida Fire, Roswell Diabolicus checked the synopsis writer’s notes to find out what was going on elsewhere in town. So, when Madeline arrived, he was ready for her. She confronted him about his part in her father’s death, and he admitted it. (“To you, it was a tragic event…to me, it was Tuesday.”) Madeline and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.

Hewitt P. Quagmire strolled along the beach that had formed since Florida’s destruction. Jesus Christ walked by and healed a fallen palm tree. Jesus complimented Quagmire on his hairstyle.

QUAGMIRE: “My hair is like my life…full and sexy in the front, short and wanting in the back.”

Quagmire offered Jesus a sample of his formula. Taking a sniff, Jesus remarked that the elixir smelled of sulfur, death, and darkness…but he took a swig anyway. Jesus’ stigmata suddenly healed, but his memory started fading away.

Titsy McJugpuddles proudly surveyed her new saloon, since Trapper Jean had turned it over to her. Wandering troubadour Slim Talley entered, looking for a job as Titsy’s musical accompaniment. He auditioned by playing a flamenco number while Titsy danced. She agreed to hire him if he didn’t reveal the secret of her fake breasts. The scene was interrupted by Trapper Jean’s handsomeness.

Roswell Diabolicus limped his way over to Ass Masterson, blaming him for his disfiguring injury. (“The heat from the bullet permanently fused my hand to my foot!”) Ass told Roswell that, unless he found the strength to rip his hand free, Roswell was going to die. Roswell demanded that Ass apologize for getting him into this predicament, and Ass started laughing hysterically until Roswell pulled out his gun. Ass and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.

Drifting in and out of amnesia, Jesus Christ wandered the streets of Little One Point in a daze. His Father and the Holy Spirit (also known as Percy) warned Jesus that Hewitt P. Quagmire was “the man of a thousand lies.” (“Lon Chaney?”) Quagmire arrived and admitted that he was, in fact, Satan. Quagmire bragged that this sinful city had strengthened him even as it weakened Jesus. Undaunted, Jesus challenged Quagmire to a slapfight. If Quagmire wins, Atlanta would be his. If Jesus wins, Quagmire would flee to Austin, Texas. The fight began, and Jesus easily defeated Quagmire. Slim Talley entered and sang a song about Jesus’ triumph. (“Well, the devil bowed his head ’cause he knew that he’d been beat…”)

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 10: Bumper Carnage

Episode 10: Bumper Carnage

Having abandoned his horse disguise, Sam paid a visit to Abraham Lincoln (who couldn’t quite put his finger on what was different about Sam). Sam explained that he had turned his back on his father, Roswell Diabolicus, and was going straight by opening a barber shop (“Fantastic Sam’s”). Lincoln revealed that Roswell was his biological father, though he was raised by a man named Mabel Schminken. Sam recognized the name as that of Will McGotnuthin’s arch-nemesis (even though they called him “Hasem Minken” in Episode 8).

A drunken Will McGotnuthin was teaching to an empty classroom at 2 AM when Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived to investigate the disturbance. Discovering that Will had fallen prey to the “sugary sweetness & alcohol goodness” of Roswell Diabolicus’ wine coolers, Madeline offered to help him straighten himself out. Will interpreted her offer as a flirtation, then confessed that, ever since he’d been separated from his sisters, he’d forgotten how to act around women. In the course of their conversation, Madeline dropped her handkerchief. As she picked it up, Will realized that he should have retrieved it for her. He asked her to drop it again so he could do so.

Hop Hop discovered Red Clay preparing a Chipapoo mating ritual. When Hop Hop asked who Red Clay’s “special someone” was, Red Clay replied that it was Brigham Young. Red Clay explained that his ancestors had told him to “let love of Brigham Young blossom”…so he did. At Hop Hop’s insistence, Red Clay sang of his love for Brigham (with the help of wandering troubadour Slim Talley).

Constance Snell was tending bar when itinerant prostitute Kitty Bumper strode in looking for work. Abraham Lincoln came in and samples some of Constance’s fudge, while Constance and Kitty went to the other side of the room for a private talk. When Kitty asked about Constance’s price structure, Constance admitted that she didn’t have a set price list, but just accepted whatever her customers gave her. Impressed by Kitty’s businesslike manner, Constance asked her advice on whoring.

Brigham Young was skipping stones by the lake, pouring out his heart to a cactus about his kiss with Red Clay.

BRIGHAM: “Loving him is like pooping on a skillet…It’s hard, but it’s worth the effort.”

Fantastic Sam walked by, but Brigham didn’t recognize him out of the horse costume. Once Sam explained who he was, Brigham began wondering whether the cactus was also a person in disguise. He tested this theory by kicking it over.

SAM: “I think you just kicked the shit out of a talking cactus.”
BRIGHAM: “Well, I feel dumb.”

Brigham told Sam that he was conflicted between his love for Red Clay (though he didn’t mention him by name) and God’s calling him to lead the Mormons to Iowa (“That, and the fact that I don’t know who the Mormons are or where Iowa is.”). Sam advised him to go to Iowa and THEN find a woman there who reminds him of his “special someone.”

Later, Red Clay visited Brigham at home. After some awkward small talk, God spoke to Brigham and asked what the hold-up was on the mission. After Brigham explained that he didn’t know where to go, Red Clay’s ancestral spirits told Red Clay to lead Brigham to Iowa. Brigham thanked God for being so much more vague and cryptic than the Chipapoo spirits.

Hop Hop went to Jed’s Saloon for a tryst with Constance, but was surprised to meet Kitty Bumper instead. Nonplussed, he got down to business with the new hooker. Afterwards, Kitty started pumping him for information about Red Clay. Her curiosity was piqued when Hop Hop said that Red Clay owned the whole town, but she immediately lost interest after learning that Red Clay lost it again. She then asked about Brigham. Hop Hop told her that Brigham was gay, but she wasn’t about to let that stop her.

Fantastic Sam urged Will McGotnuthin to stop teaching the theory of “evil-lution,” calling it “a hobgobnobbery of flim-flam.” Sam explained that, rather than teaching that man is becoming more evil, Will should inspire his students to heroism instead. Will sat down for a haircut as Sam explained that every man is the hero of his own story.

Constance Snell paid a visit to Sheriff Madeline Clementine to dish about the new girl in town, Kitty Bumper. Constance’s initial admiration for Kitty’s business sense had been overwhelmed by her disgust with Kitty’s mercenary attitude, snide comments, and overall rudeness. Madeline couldn’t arrest Kitty for prostitution, or else she’d have to arrest Constance as well just to be fair. Still, they agreed that something needed to be done about Kitty. Constance suggested killing her, but Madeline was sworn to uphold the law. However, Madeline hinted that if Kitty attacked Constance, Constance would be justified in using lethal force to defend herself.

At the saloon, Fantastic Sam and Abraham Lincoln were discussing their lawsuit when Kitty Bumper entered. After Lincoln left them alone, Kitty tried to seduce Sam while questioning him about Red Clay. Sam saw through her act and asked what she was really up to. She replied that she was just trying to take over the town.

Red Clay and Brigham Young enjoyed an evening’s entertainment by looking at a series of drawings they made, which they dubbed “moving pictures.” Brigham asked Red Clay why he wore both pants and a loincloth. Red Clay explained that the pants were to blend in while he was in white man town…but now that they were on the edge of town, Red Clay prepared to take them off.

Despite having seen through Kitty’s motives, Sam still had sex with her. As they were tidying themselves up afterwards, Lincoln came back for a second helping of Constance’s fudge. Constance arrived and was deeply upset to see Kitty handling her fudge. Lincoln gave a stern lecture to Kitty for her rudeness, then harangued Sam for falling for Kitty’s wiles and hurting Constance. Kitty made an insinuating wisecrack about Constance’s friendship with Madeline. Constance stormed out, and Sam ran after her. Lincoln confronted Kitty about her actions.

LINCOLN: “I hope you’re happy. You’ve torn this town apart!”
KITTY: “I’m not happy till the $20 is left on the headboard.”

TO BE CONTINUED…