Season 5, Episode 12: It's the Real Thing

Episode 12: It’s the Real Thing

Sheriff Madeline Clementine led Red Clay back to his cell, where he was being held for public indecency for going around without pants. Red Clay defended himself by explaining that in Chipapoo culture, pants are indecent. Madeline offered to free Red Clay if he’d promise never to see Brigham Young again.

RED CLAY: “Sheriff, your motives painfully clear now.”
MADELINE: “Were they not clear before?”

Will McGotnuthin returned to the school just as substitute teacher Fantastic Sam dismissed the class. Sam explained that he’s just not cut out for teaching, but Will urged him to hang in there until Will got his job back. Sam agreed, as long as Will would stop teaching the theory of “evilution,” and start teaching that man is intrinsically good. However, Will had seen too much evil up close (in the form of his evil sisters) to believe that.

At the bar, Constance was tremendously excited because she’d just invented a new beverage. When Roswell Diabolicus came in to find out what all the noise was about, Constance explained her new concoction. When she got a stomachache, she fixed herself some bicarbonate of soda & water, then added sugar and syrup for flavor. As a finishing touch, she added some coffee for a caffeine kick. Roswell sampled her invention and declared it to be “fucking delicious!”

Hop Hop paid a visit to Brigham Young in his prison cell, where Brigham was also doing time for public indecency.

BRIGHAM: “I’m in jail for love.”
HOP HOP: “You in jail for running around with you man-boobs hanging out!”

Brigham explained that his love for Red Clay had led him to turn his back on his mission from God. As punishment, God had cursed Little One Point with plagues of buzzards, frogs, and wine (though they weren’t sure that last one was meant as a plague). The fourth plague of syphilis would be coming soon.

Will went to Madeline’s office. He explained that, during his drinking days, he’d been fired for messing up the kids’ heads. Now that he’d sobered up, he had two dreams… going back to teaching, and getting revenge on Roswell Diabolicus. He needed a posse to get Roswell, and he needed a sharpshooter for that posse. Will pleaded with Madeline to release Brigham Young.

Around the abandoned campfire, the Chipapoo spirits called out to Red Clay. They were joined by the voice of God, who was searching for Brigham. Despite being omniscient, for some reason they couldn’t find Brigham and Red Clay. To make matters worse, God was running out of ideas for plagues. Finally, they decided to burn Atlanta unless Brigham and Red Clay called off their love.

Hopped up on caffeine, Roswell Diabolicus was stocking the store’s shelves at super-speed. His mind was racing with plans for Constance’s new beverage, such as adding cocaine to make it even more addictive. Fantastic Sam arrived to buy supplies. The father and son argued over Roswell’s commitment to evil, and Sam’s lack of commitment to anything. Eventually, the fight turned into a teary-eyed moment.

Later on, Roswell was cleaning up at Castle Gayskull when Constance arrived, asking for more bicarbonate of soda for her recipe. Roswell agreed to supply her with all the ingredients she needs, in return for which he’ll own the rights to the beverage and get all the profits. They tossed around some possible names for the drink, including “Constance Cola.”

Red Clay was passing the time in his cell by singing a traditional Chipapoo hunting song, when Hop Hop rode in (throwing away his horse afterwards). As Hop Hop explained about the plagues besetting Little One Point, a buzzard fell from the sky. Hop Hop took the buzzard and started nursing it back to health. Hop Hop pointed out the contradiction between Red Clay’s disdain for the white man and his love of Brigham Young (similar to the contradiction of Hop Hop’s caring for the buzzard and disregard for the horse). Hop Hop gave Red Clay a fortune cookie to determine the future: “You will have a lot of fun this weekend.”

Madeline was relaxing in her room when a distraught Fantastic Sam entered. Sam explained that he wanted revenge on Roswell, but didn’t want to side with Will. As he pondered coming up with a plan to double-cross Will, Madeline took him to task for being so self-centered.

MADELINE: “Sam, why is it always about YOU?”
SAM: “I’m at the center of my universe!”

Brigham Young was singing in his cell when Will McGotnuthin entered. They agreed to put aside their feud and have an uneasy truce while they hunt down Roswell. Will used his whip to yank the window out of the wall. Brigham escaped his cell, but explained that he needed to be back by evening to reunite with Red Clay.

The hyperactive Roswell had just finished writing his third book of really bad poetry when he started to come down from his caffeine high. Roswell ordered his new companion/power pet, Dreidel Boy, to guard the castle during his weakness. Suddenly, Brigham and Will burst in and shot Dreidel Boy. Before they could confront Roswell, Constance arrived with a six-pack of “Constance Cola.” Lying helpless on the floor, Roswell pleaded with her to pour a bottle into his mouth. She did so, and the revitalized Roswell leapt to his feet.

TO BE CONTINUED…