Season 9, Episode 10: Five Weddings and an Infanticide

And now, the concluding episode of the Moonbase Casino season!

Episode 10: Five Weddings and an Infanticide

As Armageddon Uno helped set up the turbo engines, Altair-9000 described a dream he had of a snail crawling on a razor blade…being cut in half just as humanity soon would be. Armageddon revealed that he’d begun to have second thoughts about sending the moon into the sun and killing everybody in the solar system.

ALTAIR: “You would be saving the human race by destroying it.”
ARMAGEDDON: “I like the puzzle that puts in my mind.”

Suddenly, the Computron reported a virus error in Engine 7, which might foil their plans. They went out to fix the problem.

Having faked their deaths during the big death-match, Dmitri Turnankoff and Gortex returned to the moonbase after running off to Saturn to get married. As they began making suggestive overtures to each other, the shuttle computer reported a virus error. They ignored it and went off to have sex.

Playing video poker with Stephan Fechet, Prince Schmultan finally realized that everything is rigged in favor of the casino. Schmultan noticed that Stephan had brought a mini-bike. Stephan explained that the moon’s gravity was going to pull the Earth’s oceans into space like a plume, and he was going to ride that trail of water down in the ultimate extreme sport. Suddenly, Schmultan’s laser-sword staff reported a virus error.

Tamborina asked Dr. Gaye Hoelikker to look after Lumpy (the baby that Gaye had given to Tamborina) while Tamborina was on her honeymoon with Schmultan. (“So, you’re asking me to look after my own child that I gave away and am going to leave forever, giving me a chance to fall in love with her all over again?”) Gaye agreed, then gave Tamborina a wedding present…an ornate treasure chest she made out of Hawkman guano. Tamborina could leave the chest to Lumpy after she dies…or, by breathing on it just right, the chest could miraculously extend her life. Having accepted her imminent death, Tamborina resented suddenly having to make a choice between her own future and her baby’s. Gaye assured Tamborina that Lumpy didn’t have much of a future, having Admiral Blanket as a father. Suddenly, Tamborina’s cigarette reported a virus error.

After deleting the virus in Engine 7, Armageddon Uno and Altair high-fived. When Altair yelled “Ow,” Armageddon was surprised to learn that Altair could actually feel physical sensations. Armageddon tested this further by tickling Altair. Armageddon began having second thoughts about their partnership, fearing that it would damage his macho reputation to work with a ticklish, sensitive robot.

Shocked to see Gortex alive and well, Schmultan explained that he’d tried to accept Gortex’ death, and had moved on to a relationship with Tamborina. After an awkward discussion of their feelings for each other, Gortex sang Schmultan a Klingon love song…in Klingon.

Out on the moon surface, Dmitri ran into Tamborina (who hadn’t even noticed that he was gone). Tamborina explained that she was going to leave Lumpy on the lunar surface to die. Dmitri was appalled that she could even consider such cruelty, but she replied that a quick death at the jaws of space-dingoes would be preferable to the suffering of life. Dmitri offered to take Lumpy and raise her in the family he was starting with Gortex. Hearing that Gortex was still alive, Tamborina feared that he might steal Schmultan’s heart back.

In preparation for the X-Games, Stephan went to Dr. Gaye Hoelikker for some performance-enhancing drugs. Amazed to see him walking again, Gaye expressed her surprise in her typically awkward manner. (“I thought you’d just be a human mollusk for the rest of your life.”) She apologized for her insensitivity, and Stephan urged her to turn her heart around. They began singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” then he invited her to get on his mini-bike’s handlebars and join him in getting away from there.

Tamborina went to see Schmultan to discuss the upcoming wedding, and was surprised to see Gortex there as well.

SCHMULTAN: “It’s not what you think! We were having sex, that’s all!”

In despair, Tamborina cried that she was going to give the treasure-chest’s life-extending powers to Lumpy, since she now had nothing to live for herself. Schmultan pleaded that he loved her, but she refused to believe him. (“We’ve had this conversation every week for the past 9 weeks, and I ain’t buying!”)

Dmitri was alone in the bar when Armageddon Uno burst in. After recovering from the initial shock of seeing Dmitri alive again, Armageddon explained that they had to stop Altair’s plan by turning the moon back around. They began singing a variation of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Later, Armageddon and Dmitri were trying to figure out a way to reverse the moon’s path. (“We could point the engines in the other direction, but that seems to simple.”) Dmitri suggested that they get all the Hawk-people to simultaneously flap their wings in one direction while pushing against the moon. Suddenly, Dmitri remembered the doomsday device he’d planted on the base some time before.

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker and Stephan stole a shuttlecraft and set off for the planet Mystic Handjob, where they would build a new life and raise a family of babies with speech impediments and no moral center. As Gaye rhapsodized about their future together, Stephan had a spontaneous orgasm…which was a problem, since he only had one pair of pants.

Having run off in despair after her confrontation with Schmultan, Tamborina was alone with Lumpy on the lunar surface, so that they could die together.

Altair and Gortex ran into each other during their separate rampages through the moonbase. Altair informed Gortex that he had no business on the moonbase now…he’d only been there due to the blood-debt he owed to Captain Flash Buckstar, and Altair had killed Buckstar. Enraged, Gortex swore an oath of blood-vengeance…an oath that took the form of a song. Altair joined in.

Prince Schmultan addressed the Hawk-people to announce two major events: his wedding and their impending doom. Schmultan explained that his bride-to-be had run off, and that he would now marry anyone who’d have him…except that one audience member who yelled “Pick me!”

While flying overhead, Gaye and Stephan noticed Tamborina and Lumpy surrounded by space-dingoes. Gaye threw down a ladder and descended to Tamborina’s side, blasting the dingoes with her Cosmic Disemboweler. As Tamborina thanked Gaye for saving her life, Stephan suddenly shouted “See ya later, bitches!” and flew off on his own.

Searching for the doomsday device, Dmitri ran into Altair, who boasted of his plan to destroy the solar system. (“You’re dead and you don’t even know it…and not because you died a couple of weeks ago.”) Dmitri did the only thing possible to get past Altair…tickling him.

Armageddon Uno ran into Schmultan, who told him that the moon’s path could be reversed by the Hawk-people’s secret Giant Gearshift built into the moon…but they needed a huge explosion to activate it.

As Gaye carried Tamborina to safety, they suddenly realized that they’d forgotten all about Lumpy. Once again, they both fell into deep despair.

GAYE: “I think I have something to put us out of our misery.”
TAMBORINA: “Is it a big fuckin’ gun to put to my head?”
GAYE: “It’s a big secret password to a doomsday device.”

Gaye explained that her toy, Mr. Mister 4th of July, held all the moonbase’s secrets, including the password.

Stephan crashed the shuttle into the casino, utterly destroying it. Then he walked away, whooping with excitement.

Armageddon and Schmultan were in the wedding hall, searching for the doomsday device, when Dmitri arrived. Seeing the wedding cake, Dmitri remembered that he hid the doomsday device in the cake-topper. Schmultan offered to set it off, explaining that he had nothing to live for. Just then, Lumpy crawled in. They agreed that Lumpy would be the perfect person to make the sacrifice, since she had no future and nobody who’d miss her. Schmultan stuffed the cake into Lumpy’s pajamas, then threw her into a portal to the engines.

ARMAGEDDON: “Okay, everybody says I’m the asshole…I’d just like to point out that you two just strapped a bomb to a baby and threw her in a hole!”

Rampaging across the moon surface, Gortex ran into Tamborina and Gaye. Gaye angrily accused Gortex of playing around with everybody and breaking everyone’s heart. Gortex defended himself by claiming that, although he’d formed relationships with four different people, he hadn’t betrayed any of them…remember, Klingons have five genders.

The blast of the doomsday device blew Stephan into the wedding hall. Assessing the damage, Dmitri declared that, although half of the moon had been blown away (“the dark side is gone, but nobody’ll miss it”), the remaining half was restored to its rightful orbit and everything was fine. Just then, Gortex, Gaye, and Tamborina entered. Gortex demanded that Armageddon use his authority as a ship captain to perform a Klingon wedding ceremony for Gortex, Dmitri, Schmultan, Tamborina, and Gaye…the five people who would make the perfect couple. Everybody was so overjoyed that they forgave Altair for trying to destroy all life. Armageddon performed the ceremony, and the five brides and grooms performed the traditional Klingon simultaneous five-way tongue-kiss. The computer reported a virus error.

THE END

Season 9, Episode 9: Mystery in Space

Episode 9: Mystery in Space

His spine having been broken by Altair-9000, Stephan Fechet was lying in the hospital when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by to treat him with another of her hawk-guano tonics. She hoped she could cure him as a farewell present before she leaves for the planet Mystic Handjob.

Armageddon Uno delivered the turbo engines that Altair had requested. As payment, Armageddon wanted Altair to find out who killed Dmitri Turnankoff last week, so that Armageddon could take the killer’s scalp in revenge.

Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People went to Tamborina to discuss the upbringing of Lumpy, the baby that Dr. Hoelikker had given to Tamborina. Having only a short time left to live, Tamborina wanted to spend her last days with the baby. Schmultan swore to be with her as well. (“I’ll die with you…I mean, I’ll be with you when YOU die.”)

Captain Flash Buckstar was flying a kite in preparation for the upcoming Kite-Off competition. A crewman named Bob came by with some data for Buckstar to enter into the Computron. Rather than put down his kite, Buckstar told Bob his personal ID code. As Bob entered the numbers, the Computron, registering Bob as Buckstar, delivered a fatal electric shock.

Armageddon Uno was up at Inspiration Point, preparing to bury Dmitri’s shirt as a farewell ceremony, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and noticed the tears in his eyes. Reluctantly, Armageddon explained that he had lost his “best friend of three minutes,” and had sworn to kill Dmitri’s murderer. Now that he had gotten that secret off his chest, he felt it was only fair that Gaye tell him a secret of hers. When Gaye hesitated, Armageddon remembered that she’d given him “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” her toy that stored everybody’s deepest secrets. As he held the doll up to Gaye’s face, Mr. Mister 4th of July declared “I killed Dmitri Turnankoff.” Enraged, Armageddon threw the toy to the ground and began shooting it. (“Those plushies can be vicious.”) Only afterwards did the synapses in Armageddon’s brain start connecting, and he realized that Gaye was the killer.

Captain Flash Buckstar was knitting a hat for the upcoming Knit-Off competition, when a crewman named Johnny came by with a delivery of peanut butter for the Captain. When Johnny remarked that he hadn’t tasted genuine Earth peanut butter in years, Buckstar offered him some. Johnny took a taste and immediately fell dead.

Altair-9000 stopped by during Stephan’s physical therapy to apologize for breaking his back. Stephan angrily refused the robot’s apology, then began dragging himself along the floor to attack Altair. Easily sidestepping Stephan’s assault, Altair declared that he’d come to put Stephan out of his misery, but Stephan’s feeble attempts at revenge were too hilarious.

Captain Flash Buckstar and Prince Schmultan finished building a house for the Lunar Habitat for Humanity Build-Off. As Buckstar told Schmultan about the string of bad luck and mysterious deaths that had been occurring around him, another crew member walked by and offered to warm up Buckstar’s Camaro for him. Shortly afterwards, there was the sound of a huge explosion and the crewman’s screams of agony.

Stephan Fechet dragged himself into the casino on his walker. To make it easier for him, Schmultan brought the game down to the floor. Trying to encourage Stephan, Schmultan revealed that in his youth, he suffered from wingiosis, a crippling deformity of the wings. Schmultan urged Stephan to overcome his disability just as he had.

Captain Flash Buckstar was in the final frame of the Miniature Bowling Bowl-Off when Armageddon Uno came by with a hank of hair stuffed in his belt. Armageddon explained that he’d tried to scalp Dmitri’s killer as he’d sworn, but he only managed to cut off one pigtail before she ran away. As Buckstar told Armageddon about the attempts on his life, another crewman entered. (“Somebody mailed me this vial of poison and told me to give it to you. Think I’ll drink it myself.”)

Setting up the turbo engines, Altair-9000 gloated about his plan to accelerate the moon out of its orbit and into the sun. He attempted a diabolical laugh.

Tamborina went to Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s office and was startled to see the half-scalped Gaye’s new asymmetrical hairdo. Running a medical scanner over Tamborina, Gaye confirmed that Tamborina was dying, but hinted that she might be able to do something with the DNA that’s been accumulating on the cigarette Tamborina’s had in her mouth for 50 years. Setting down for a heart-to-heart talk, Tamborina said that she thought Gaye and Schmultan would make a good couple, and that they could raise Gaye’s baby together.

Armageddon Uno was piloting Stephan Fechet to another doctor who might be able to fix Stephan’s spine. In an attempt to make it easier for Stephan to sit, Armageddon unstrapped Stephan’s backpack. Freed of its weight, Stephan suddenly stood up and began walking. (“It was the backpack the entire time!”)

Captain Flash Buckstar used the Computron to contact the world’s greatest detective, Sir John Holmes of Scotland Yard, who appeared as a holographic projection. After Buckstar explained all the attempts on his life, Holmes started his amazing deductions. Unfortunately, before he could reveal the killer’s identity, the connection was broken.

Prince Schmultan took Tamborina out to the pool for one last fling. When she asked who was taking care of the baby, he replied that he’d left her at home alone, but reassured Tamborina that she’d be fine. As she began to lecture him on parental responsibility, he explained that he was only kidding…he’d left her in Armageddon Uno’s care. Just then, Armageddon came by with Lumpy and threw her into the pool to teach her to swim. Schmultan dove in and rescued her, and Tamborina apologized for doubting him. Schmultan asked Tamborina to marry him.

Captain Flash Buckstar discovered one of the turbo engines Altair had set up, and figured that this was part of the plot to kill him. Just then, the killer finally revealed himself…it was none other than an older version of Buckstar himself! The older Buckstar explained that he’d come back in time to kill his younger self, since he’d always hated himself and what he’d done to his career. Altair-9000 and Armageddon Uno entered, and Altair revealed that the future Buckstar had promised him the secret to becoming human in exchange for killing the past Buckstar. Altair snapped the young Buckstar’s neck, and both Buckstars fell dead on top of each other. Altair and Armageddon then headed off to activate the turbo engines.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 9, Episode 8: To the Death

Episode 8: To the Death

In the bar, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker was still hiding in a burlap sack, waiting to come out for Altair’s birthday party. Gortex arrived and informed her that she’d missed the party. (“It was quite good. He went insane and hurt people.”) Removing the sack, Gortex was stunned to see that Gaye had given birth while waiting. Gortex held the baby and began crying. (“Those aren’t tears, it’s clear blood! We call it eye plasma!”)

Back from his Officers and Gentlemen Convention, Captain Flash Buckstar summoned Altair to the command center to fill him in on what had happened during his absence. After a long conversation filled with mangled metaphors and a complete lack of information, Altair announced that he was sick of Buckstar’s incompetence.

Tamborina received a visit from her old dance partner, Sal Steinbersky. Sal informed her that he’d figured out a loophole in Earth’s gambling prohibition, and invited her to join him at his new casino. She replied that she had some issues to resolve in her relationship with Prince Schmultan. Plus, she couldn’t leave without a big show-stopper…or a killing spree.

Armageddon Uno and Dmitri Turnankoff (now healed from his near-fatal poisoning) were returning to the moonbase, following their wacky adventures through the galaxy.

DMITRI: “Our hatred has turned to grudging respect, then friendship, then creepy love, then back to friendship.”

During a Little League game between Earth children and Hawk-Children, Buckstar took Schmultan aside to discuss Schmultan’s fear-based coaching techniques, but their effectiveness was proved when a Hawk-child hit a home run. Buckstar gave the kid a congratulatory pat on the ass, much to Schmultan’s dismay.

Dr. Hoelikker introduced Tamborina to her new baby. (“I call her Lumpy, ’cause she was born in a potato sack and she’s slightly misshapen.”) Gaye confessed that she didn’t feel that she’d make a good mother, but couldn’t give the child up for adoption because Gortex wanted to be a father so badly. Tamborina suggested that Gaye give the baby to her, and she’d let Gortex have visitation rights.

Meeting Armageddon Uno at the base’s Bill Bixby film festival, Altair-9000 asked Armageddon to use his smuggling prowess to get him five turbo engines. As payment, Altair would arrange it so that Armageddon would continually win at Texas Hold ’Em.

Because Dmitri had, a long time ago, shot down Gortex’s ship and stranded him on the moon, Gortex now challenged him to a death-match in the moon arena. Dmitri could bring whatever weapons he wished, while Gortex would go unarmed. (“I AM a weapon.”)

Later, Gortex stopped by the casino and saw Tamborina with Gaye’s baby. After Tamborina explained that she’d adopted her, Gortex asked to hold the baby. Gortex stuck the baby under his shirt, explaining that, in Klingon society, it is the men who breast-feed their young. (“Klingon nursing is not like your weak, liquid nourishment…it’s solid and crunchy.”)

Dr. Hoelikker was low-gravity skydiving with Altair-9000, reveling in the freedom she’d regained since giving up her baby. Out of respect for her, Altair warned her to leave the moonbase and return to Earth “if you don’t want to go up in a flaming ball of flame.” When she asked how much time she had, Altair replied “I estimate one to three episodes.”

In the spa, Sal Steinbersky confronted Prince Schmultan about their rivalry for Tamborina’s heart. They realized that Tamborina herself was the only one who could decide which one of them she loved.

SCHMULTAN: “We let her choose. If she’s indecisive, we do paper/rock/scissors… moon style!”

At the command center, Dmitri confessed to Captain Flash Buckstar that he had been a KGB agent spying on the moonbase, but his recent brush with death had made him turn over a new leaf. He revealed that, before his change of heart, he had placed a voice-activacted doomsday device somewhere on the base…but due to his illness, he could no longer remember its location or the code-word.

Armageddon Uno was haggling with some Jawas over the turbo engines, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and told him she was leaving the moonbase. As a parting gift, she gave him her rocket-shaped toy, “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” which held the secrets of everybody on the moonbase. To demonstrate, she pressed its head, and a recorded voice announced “Armageddon Uno has one testicle.” As Armageddon accepted the remarkable gift, Gaye announced that she was heading off to the Mystic Handjob Planet.

Sal Steinbersky and Prince Schmultan asked Tamborina which one of them she loved. Without hesitation, she said that she loved Schmultan. However, she had yet another revelation for them…she only had a few days left to live. She asked Schmultan to look after the baby after she’s gone.

Dmitri Turnankoff and Gortex met in the arena for their death-match. Since Gortex had told him he could bring any weapons (plural), Dmitri brought a huge box full of armaments. Before the match begain, Gortex and Dmitri expressed their respect for each other, and Dmitri gave Gortex a swig of vodka. The match began, and they squared off to the tune of “Hangin’ Tough.” Dmitri grievously wounded Gortex with a machine-gun and rocket launcher, but before he could deal the final blow, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker suddenly grabbed a Cosmic Disemboweler and shot Dmitri.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 9, Episode 7: Before a Live Studio Audience

Episode 7: Before a Live Studio Audience

Stephan Fechet stopped by Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s lab to apologize for his failure to make the world a better place…and his failure to destroy it. They got sidetracked into a discussion of the origin of the phrase “Close but no cigar.”

Gortex the Klingon had just finished putting up some bunting for Altair’s surprise birthday party when Prince Schmultan stopped by to discuss their awkward encounters last week. Gortex insisted that he had simply been performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, with the characteristic Klingon passion and intensity.

Altair-9000 was taking some temperature readings when he was surprised by Babs Gage, host of “Wild On,” accompanied by her live studio audience. She began interviewing Altair about his work on the moonbase, but when she brought up his past as the head of the giant robot Valtair, he cut the interview short and stormed out.

Slightly scarred from the scorching of the Earth, Tamborina returned to the moonbase and apologized to Schmultan for leaving. She explained that she left because her feelings for him were too intense, and she needed to get her head together. Schmultan confessed that he may or may not have started a relationship with Gortex…and that he accidentally killed Tamborina’s sister Harmonica.

Gaye Hoelikker and Gortex were manning a bake sale and discussing her pregnancy. Gortex asked if she’d chosen a father figure for her child, and she replied that she was thinking of going it alone. Gortex warned her that she had a hard road ahead of her; she’d lived all 17 years of her life as a genius child prodigy, and now must leave childhood behind her. Not wanting to give up her immaturity, she suggested that she could be like those “babies having babies” from all the news stories.

Stephan Fechet was cleaning up when Babs Gage came by. Stunned to see his former wife, Stephan apologized for losing her and their child in a bet many years ago. Their reunion was made even more awkward by the presence of the live studio audience. They exchanged apologies by breaking into song.

After doing a soft-shoe number as a birthday present to Altair, Tamborina asked him how her burns looked. (“On a scale from passable to hideous, you look okay.”) Tamborina confessed that, as an entertainer, she’d relied on her looks all her life. Altair replied that he cared, not about her outward appearance, but about the heart beneath that scarred exterior.

Schmultan asked Gaye for assistance in applying sparkles to a robot cozy for Altair’s birthday. Gaye was startled by Schmultan’s interest in crafts, since she’d always thought of him as being so strong and masculine. (“If I weren’t so strong, I wouldn’t be secure enough to decorate with teddy bears playing volleyball.”)

Gortex was skipping stones in the lunar canals when Babs Gage arrived. Gortex was stunned and honored to meet her, explaining that the Klingon government was modeled after broadcasts of “Wild On.” Babs asked Gortex about his hidden talents, and he demonstrated by singing a love song to a woman from the live studio audience.

Later on, Babs and Stephan were enjoying a walk on the moon, catching up on old times. Suddenly, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker arrived, and was shocked to see Stephan with another woman (not to mention the live studio audience). Pointing out that Stephan had asked her to be his Queen of Evil, Gaye angrily asked how he could have led her on like that. Babs was appalled that Stephan would do such a thing to a 17-year-old girl, but Stephan tried to explain that he wasn’t the father of Gaye’s child.

Gortex and Schmultan were out for a swim, gazing up at the Earth. As Gortex reminisced about his harsh life on the Klingon homeworld, Tamborina swam by and told Schmultan that she couldn’t forgive him for killing her sister…not to mention sleeping with a Klingon. Schmultan tried to assure her that it was all very innocent and manly.

Moping that nobody besides Tamborina had remembered his birthday, Altair was at the moonbase’s racetrack when Gaye stopped by. After apologizing for programming him to kill, Gaye asked why she hadn’t been invited to his birthday party. Overjoyed to learn that the others were planning a birthday party for him, Altair told her that he’d be happy to invite her, but he had no say in the matter. He suggested that she could sneak into the party by putting on a burlap sack and disguising herself as a bag of potatoes.

Babs Gage and Tamborina did an elaborate dance routine for “Wild On.” Afterwards, Babs asked Tamborina for a favor…she wanted Tamborina to kill Dr. Hoelikker, the woman who stood between Babs and her husband. When Tamborina pointed out that Stephan was the one who had singed the Earth and scarred Tamborina’s face, Babs agreed that Stephan and Gaye should both die.

Gortex and Stephan were having fruity daiquiris (though Gortex, maintaining his macho image, explained that it was “frozen blood whiskey”) and discussing the opposite sex…or, in the case of Klingons, any one of the other four sexes. Stunned, Stephan asked who wears the pants in Klingon society. (“Two of the genders wear pants, one wears a skirt, one a kilt, and one is a large amorphous blob.”) Gortex confessed that he’d developed great respect for Gaye Hoelikker, and swore he’d kill anyone who stood between them. Stephan attempted to calm Gortex down by giving him a neckrub.

Altair had just arrived in his quarters when Gortex, Schmultan, Tamborina and Stephan jumped out and yelled “Surprise!” Touched by the party, Altair’s emotional functions began working as never before, and he found himself crying. Altair pondered this unfamiliar phenomenon of fluid leaking from his optics, but before he could figure it out, the tears suddenly began short-circuiting him. Blindly running amok, Altair knocked Stephan to the ground before finally collapsing.

Ending her broadcast, Babs Gage was signing off when she was interrupted by a potato sack shouting “Happy Birthday!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 9, Episode 6: Everybody Dies

Episode 6: Everybody Dies

Captain Flash Buckstar and Harmonica were preparing for the moonbase’s upcoming Fantasy Enchantment Parade. This had to be the biggest event of the season, outdoing even the Sandy Hawkins Dance on Uranus. As they discussed the plans, they found that they could no longer hide their feelings for one another, and they decided to meet later that night…privately.

In the shuttle, Gortex was carrying a passenger to the base: Blake Cherish, former kickboxing champion turned corporate surveyor for Peck Calhoun’s oil company. Blake explained that, now that Calhoun had bought the moon’s oil supply from the Hawk-People, he’d been sent to observe and evaluate the moonbase personnel. Gortex was more interested in Blake’s martial-arts prowess, and challenged him to unarmed combat.

While preparing the drinks for the big event, Prince Schmultan told Altair-9000 how much he respected Altair for his memory and abilities. Altair replied that nobody had ever expressed appreciation for him…they were usually too busy giving him orders and reprogramming him to kill. Schmultan offered him a Restraint Restrainer to stop him from being reprogrammed again, but told him he had to decide for himself whether to install it.

Harmonica greeted Johnny Forever, the entertainer hired for the Fantasy Enchantment Parade. She told him that he’d be sharing the bill with Altair, who would be showing off his pop-and-lock dance moves. Johnny exclaimed that he’d been looking for a pop-and-lock dancer for his own act.

Flash Buckstar was at the console when Blake Cherish entered for Buckstar’s evaluation. Blake observed that Buckstar had been stripped of command several times and was never actually reappointed. However, he offered Buckstar a chance to make himself useful in the parade by sitting in a cage while kids throw wet sausages at him. Buckstar liked the idea of the cage and wet sausages, but suggested that they get drunk women instead of kids. They could make a video of it, and throw in a robot with no restraints…a Robot Gone Wild.

Johnny Forever asked Altair to dance in his shown. Altair agreed, but warned that he didn’t dare do his signature backspin move…the last time he tried it, he spun so fast that he accidentally cut off the legs of several kids. Johnny revealed that he knew all about the Backspin Massacre of Topeka…in fact, he had gone on Celebrity Jeopardy to raise money to get those kids new legs, so everything was all right now.

Schmultan and Gortex were putting the finishing touches on their parade float. Schmultan complimented Gortex on his floral arrangements and cherubs. Gortex first tried to maintain his macho Klingon image (“It’s the Flying Baby of Death!”), but finally confessed that Klingons are passionate in all things…not just war, but also decorating, baking and macramé. Johnny Forever came by and awarded their float the blue ribbon. Schmultan and Gortex hugged each other in celebration, then agreed never to mention it again.

Later, Johnny Forever ran into Gortex in the casino. Johnny reminisced about his last tour of the Klingon system, where he scored with 5 Klingon women. Gortex asked if he was sure about that, explaining that Klingons have five genders. (“Male, female, shemale, emale, and centidomingo.”) Unfazed by this revelation, Johnny offered Gortex a spot in the show: Gortex would demonstrate his talent by killing a random audience member with an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Flash Buckstar and Harmonica went out for a picnic, flirting over peanut butter. As they held each other passionately, Flash suddenly began choking on the peanut butter. Thinking quickly, Harmonica turned their embrace into the Heimlich maneuver.

Prince Schmultan was manning the festival’s blood-drive tent when Blake Cherish came by to evaluate him. After donating a pint, Blake informed Schmultan that the Hawk-People were standing in the way of corporate progress, then ordered Schmultan to clip his wings. A fight broke out. When Schmultan accidentally got his head stuck in a bucket, Blake seized the opportunity by stripping off his jacket and strangling Schmultan with it.

After setting up a camera for his “Robots Gone Wild” video, Flash Buckstar called Altair to the bridge and offered him a beer. Buckstar asked Altair if he’d ever been in a video, then asked him to shake his stuff for the camera. Altair reluctantly opened his chest panel, then sobbed that he felt dirty. In the interest of fairness, Buckstar opened his shirt for Altair.

In the bar, Johnny Forever asked Blake Cherish to join his show. (“I admire a man in a Mary Lou Retton jacket.”) Blake offered to demonstrate his kickboxing skills by fighting Gortex to the death. Johnny replied that Gortex already had a spot in the show, and suggested that he battle Buckstar instead.

Harmonica ran into the casino and told Gortex that she feared for Buckstar’s safety. Gortex realized that he could finally repay his blood-debt by saving Buckstar’s life. Suddenly, Gortex heard a distress signal, and rushed off to find Schmultan’s still form. Gortex performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…and continued the mouth-to-mouth even after Schmultan recovered.

Finally, the time came for Johnny Forever’s Spectacular. Johnny started off the show by singing to a girl from the audience. Johnny then pulled a man from the audience, and Gortex killed him by pressing a PBR can against his throat. Suddenly, Schmultan burst in and demanded vengeance against Blake Cherish. Johnny announced that the deathmatch between Blake and Buckstar would now be a three-way battle. The terrible struggle began. In the course of the melee, Schmultan accidentally impaled Harmonica with his sword-staff…several times. Schmultan slashed Blake, but Blake seized the sword-staff and struck Schmultan and Buckstar before collapsing himself. Gortex rushed to Schmultan’s side for more mouth-to-mouth. Buckstar staggered to his feet and announced that he was all right…just before Altair’s backspin knocked his legs out from under him.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 9, Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips

Episode 5: Goodbye, Fish & Chips

Having gained possession of the Mustache of Authority, Prince Schmultan was flying over the moon’s surface searching for a volcano to destroy it. He felt the power of the mustache tempting him (and even began speaking in a Gollumesque voice), but resisted and managed to hurl the mustache into the Crack of Doom.

Having served his sentence for attempting to destroy the Earth, Stephan Fechet was released from the brig by Altair-9000. Stephan complained about his harsh treatment, asking why he wasn’t given a second chance to learn from his mistakes.

ALTAIR: “Stephan, you were in jail for nine days for singeing the entire Earth.”
STEPHAN: “Well, don’t that seem a little fuckin’ steep?”

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker had Gortex run the medical scanner over her fetus, explaining that she had developed an ectopic pregnancy…so ectopic, in fact, that the baby was growing in her thigh. Gortex marveled that this phenomenon was unheard of in Klingon society. He explained that Klingon semen is so potent, it cuts the female into five pieces, and those pieces become babies. Impressed by the Klingons’ emphasis on strong father figures, Gaye asked Gortex to be her child’s father.

Captain Flash Buckstar and hotshot gambler Peck Calhoun were bonding over a game of Twenty-One. Buckstar confessed that he no longer felt like a man since losing his mustache.

Prince Schmultan was in the docking bay, waiting for the shuttle from Earth and news of Tamborina. Much to his surprise, the passenger who emerged from the shuttle was Tamborina’s sister Harmonica. She had good news and bad news…Tamborina had survived the scorching of the Earth, but she was seeing another man. Relieved yet heartbroken, Schmultan asked Harmonica to have a drink with him.

After installing a new memory chip in Altair-9000, Captain Buckstar told the robot that he’d lost his confidence to lead. (“All great leaders have mustaches, like Stalin and Wilford Brimley!”) Altair suggested that Buckstar start a self-improvement course, and find the mustache in his heart.

Peck Calhoun met with Gortex to draw up a contract regarding Peck’s ownership of Gortex. Gortex related his history to Peck: He was on a Klingon surveyor study, when a Russian cosmonaut fired a missile at their craft, stranding him on the moon. Gortex was so shamed by this defeat that he could not contact his people until he redeems himself by taking control of the base. Peck told him that he could control anything with money, and offered to help.

PECK: “I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the brawn.”
GORTEX: “Let’s make lots of money?”
PECK: “Damn, you got bad taste in music.”

Running into Stephan as he went about his janitorial duties, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker launched into a Shakespearean soliloquy about his fall to such a lowly station. Stephan blamed her for his actions, claiming that he never would have taken the Mustache of Authority if not for the tonic she gave him.

Prince Schmultan had a dream of the Mustache of Authority flying around his head, tempting him. He refused, and began battling the mustache. When he awoke, he discovered that his room had been wrecked. (“No dream could have turned over furniture!”)

Taking over her sister’s club, Harmonica was auditioning new talent. Altair tried out as an impressionist. (“Here’s my Bill Cosby… ‘I’m wearing a sweater!’”) Despite his lack of talent, Harmonica hired him. Since he serves as the station’s ATM, Altair suggested that he simply retain his pay inside himself.

Flash Buckstar went to Dr. Hoelikker’s office, wearing a thick fake beard to restore his authority…but it was only a temporary measure. Gaye gave him a serum to restore his facial hair, though she warned him that it had the side effect of periodic, uncontrollable urges to sing. (“Hair and power always come at a price.”)

Having been selected Klingon Hunk of the Year, Gortex was getting some photos taken by Stephan, in a sexy “Blow Up”-style montage. Gortex told Stephan how much he respected him for attempting to destroy the Earth. Stephan explained that he’d simply wanted to free the Earth from the oppressors and give it back to the people. Gortex pointed out the flaw in Stephan’s plan…the oppressors ARE people.

Prince Schmultan was giving Peck Calhoun a tour of the moon. Peck revealed that his Texas-senses had detected that the moon’s center was made entirely of oil. He offered to buy the moon, assuring Schmultan that the drilling would do no harm to the moon or Schmultan’s people…except for a few that he might have to kill over religious differences.

In the bar, Stephan Fechet and Harmonica started a conversation, but they kept talking at cross-purposes and nothing much came of it except that Harmonica established that her necklace was the secret to the moon’s survival.

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker poured her tonic into one of Altair’s ports, instilling in him great ambition and a desire for Limburger cheese. With Altair firmly under her influence, she sent him out to kill Stephan.

Gortex and Schmultan were fishing in one of the moon’s canals. Unused to fly-fishing, Gortex explained the Klingon way of fishing: They hurl their ultra-powerful sperm into the water, killing the fish and causing them to float to the surface. When Schmultan remarked how disgusting that was, Gortex realized that he’d never really thought about it before. He immediately lost his taste for fish & chips.

In the casino, Flash Buckstar and Peck Calhoun proposed a game for the ultimate stakes. Peck put up his mustache, and Buckstar staked the base’s cache of weapons. Playing High-Low at ten paces, Buckstar drew a 9…but Peck drew an ace.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 9. Episode 4: Don't They Know It's the End of the World

Episode 4: Don’t They Know It’s the End of the World

Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People met with the moonbase’s new self-appointed commander, Stephan Fechet…who promptly announced that he had destroyed the Earth. Understandably horrified, Schmultan pointed out that, without the Earth’s gravity, the moon would go drifting through space until it falls into the sun.

Having escaped from the brig, the deposed Captain Flash Buckstar and Gortex the Klingon attempted to get into the command center, but were thwarted by the changed passcodes.

Dmitri Turnankoff was drinking vodka with his wife Svetlana (the mysterious woman from last episode), apologizing for not recognizing her at first. He told her that he had gotten her two tickets for a pleasure cruise to Uranus, as a second honeymoon. She confessed that she had been sent by the KGB to kill him…but with the Earth destroyed, her mission now seemed pointless. Dmitri was shocked to hear the news of the Earth’s destruction, and even more shocked that she was so casual about it.

Professional gambler Peck Calhoun had come to the satellite for a few games, but was stunned when Altair informed him of the Earth’s destruction, then showed him the monitor to confirm it. Checking the monitors and computer systems, Calhoun discovered that the station’s illusion-ray had been aimed at the Earth. Relieved, Altair examined the system, then discovered that an illusion-ray had been fired on top of the illusion-ray.

Armageddon Uno called his secretary Sarah and discovered that the Earth had been destroyed. Nonplussed, he informed her that he was continuing with his plan to kill Dmitri Turnankoff. Overhearing his plan, Svetlana approached Uno and offered to help.

In the base’s Laundromat, Gortex asked Schmultan for assistance in getting into the command center. Schmultan offered to help him find an alternate route through the dangerous Worm-Tunnels of Glybesia…as soon as the laundry’s done.

Dmitri went to Stephan to request a vacation to Uranus, but Stephan informed him that he had Uranus slated for destruction next. Driven mad by the power of the Mustache of Authority, Stephan ordered Dmitri to assume some provocative boudoir poses.

Captain Buckstar approached Altair to figure out a solution to the moon’s drifting through space. Altair calculated that, if all the Hawk-People pooped in one direction simultaneously, it would allow them to steer the moon into a new orbit around Mars.

Armageddon Uno was working in the casino’s cashier booth when Peck Calhoun stopped by to pick up some chips. Calhoun confessed that he had built his life on his reputation as the greatest gambler on Earth…and with Earth gone, now he needed a new challenge. Uno offered to fly him to new planets to test his gambling skills…right after he finished his business there by killing Dmitri.

Summoning Altair to the command center, Stephan clarified that he hadn’t so much destroyed the Earth as he had burned it up, so the moon was in no danger of losing its orbit. Altair told him just how fucked-up that was, and Stephan agreed. Realizing that he was being corrupted by power, Stephan had a moment of clarity and turned the mustache over to Altair.

While Gortex was off exploring the tunnels, Schmultan read a letter from Tamborina. He learned that she had gone to Earth for a while to get her head together before she would be ready to start a relationship with him. Fearing the worst, Schmultan swore to avenge her fiery death, then shouted his fearsome multi-syllabic battle cry.

Dmitri and Svetlana were in bed together, and she tearfully complained that he didn’t think her attractive. They flashed back to their first meeting on the banks of the Volga river, then returned to the present. Dmitri explained that her looks didn’t matter to him, because he loved her for her inner beauty. She did not take it as a compliment. She then informed him that she had poisoned his dinner.

Peck Calhoun was playing solitaire when Gortex burst in. Peck exclaimed that he’d always wanted a Klingon of his very own, then offered to buy Gortex. Gortex revealed that there was one way to gain his servitude: He needed somebody with knowledge of the moonbase’s design to lead him to the command center.

Armageddon Uno burst into Dmitri’s quarters and found him lying curled up on the floor. Uno announced himself, and Dmitri remembered that his brother Yeltsin had called Armageddon Uno the only American pilot who was worth anything…before Uno killed him. Uno found himself unable to kill Dmitri in his helpless state, and offered to help him. He remembered that the antidote could be found only one place…in the mushrooms that grow on Planet Fred.

Stephan was alone in his office, rehearsing how he would tell Dr. Gaye Hoelikker that he had given up the Mustache of Authority. Suddenly, Gortex, Flash Buckstar, and Prince Schmultan all burst in simultaneously, looking for revenge. Stephan suddenly grabbed a stool like a steering wheel, declared “I’m a race-car driver!”, and fled. Using the Computron, Gortex determined that Altair had the mustache, so they called him in. They demanded the mustache, but Altair said that none of them were worthy of it. Altair attempted to swallow the mustache, but Gortex applied the Heimlich maneuver. Schmultan seized the mustache and flew away.

Armageddon Uno, Peck Calhoun, and Dmitri Turnankoff boarded Uno’s ship, The Warmonger, and set a course for Planet Fred to save Dmitri’s life.

CALHOUN: “I thought you were going to kill him.”
UNO: “It’s very complicated. You can read the notes next week.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 9, Episode 3: Blanket, We Hardly Knew Ye

Episode 3: Blanket, We Hardly Knew Ye

Having been shot in the neck with an arrow, Admiral James T. Blanket was awaiting his prognosis from Dr. Gaye Hoelikker. She informed him that he had approximately 15 to 90 minutes left to live, and tearfully told him how much their affair had meant to her. She told him that his only chance was a neck transplant from a Soviet donor. She urged him to take the chance, for the sake of their baby. Blanket was taken aback by this revelation.

Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People gathered his people for a conference, explaining why he killed Daryl Hall and John Oates. In light of this terrible action, he announced that he was abdicating his throne and stepping down as leader…at least temporarily.

Captain Flash Buckstar was anxiously preparing for his upcoming SKEET (Space Knowledge of Electronic Energy Test) exam. Gortex the Klingon, owing him a blood-debt, would do anything to help Buckstar pass…even taking the test for him.

Stephan Fechet and Tamborina were at their Gamblers Anonymous meeting, though Tamborina admitted she only came to meet people. She asked whether gambling really hurt anybody, and Stephan tearfully confessed that he lost his wife & children in a bet.

Admiral Blanket was anxiously waiting to hear whether a donor neck had been found, when he received a surprise visit from his old friend Armageddon Uno, hotshot space pilot. Blanket explained that he’d been shot by Dmitri Turnankoff. Uno remembered that he’d served with a Yeltsin Turnankoff in Spaceforce, and realized that his old enemy was the brother of Blanket’s assailant. Uno swore to avenge Blanket, and Blanket asked him to make it really binding by swearing a blood-brother oath. Uno reluctantly shot himself in the hand, then mingled his blood with Blanket’s neck wound.

Altair-9000 was trying to contact his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, but was unable to get through. Dmitri Turnankoff arrived, and offered to get Altair in touch with Dr. Frapples if Altair would tell him the secret of the moonbase’s energy reactor.

Trying to start a new life, ex-Prince Schmultan was leading a Lamaze class for Dr. Hoelikker. She urged him to reclaim his throne and lead his people in battling the humans’ exploitation of them. Schmultan declared that he would indeed take revenge on the humans…especially her, since he had killed Hall & Oates on her advice. Schmultan pointed out that the moonbase was powered by his people’s guano, and threatened to cut off their energy source. He contacted his people and ordered them to eat lots of dairy.

Stephan Fechet was administering the SKEET exam when Gortex came in, disguised as Buckstar by wearing his toupee. Not noticing the difference, Stephan began the test.

In the generator room, Altair told Tamborina that he needed to get through in order to contact his creator. Tamborina agreed to let him through, since she never knew her own father, a tambourine player who slept with her mother while drifting through town.

Feeling his life slipping away, Admiral James T. Blanket saw a vision of the ghost of Hall & Oates (merged into a single entity in the afterlife). HallOates told Blanket that he could visit one last person before moving on, and Blanket chose Dr. Hoelikker. She could not see Blanket, but she felt his presence as he kissed her face. After this tender moment, HallOates escorted Blanket to his final reward…namely, Hell.

Having collected the energy-reactor data from Altair, Dmitri was at the command center console when a mysterious babushka-wearing woman entered.

After delivering Admiral Blanket’s body to Earth, Altair and Armageddon Uno returned in a shuttle, catching up on old times. Uno explained that he was now King of the Bounty Smugglers, then handed Altair a dryer sheet as a sample of his wares. Altair revealed that he was trying to contact his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, and Uno informed him that Frapples was in prison for creating a robot that fell in love with its owner, then killed her. (“Wait, was Will Smith in this?”)

Stephan called in Gortex and Flash Buckstar, revealing that he knew all along that they’d cheated on the SKEET exam. Stephan informed them that he was throwing them in the brig, and that he himself was in charge now. Buckstar reluctantly stripped off his uniform and toupee, but Stephan had to take his mustache by force.

Schmultan informed Tamborina that the station would soon be powerless, and he was warning her because she was the only human he cared for. Tamborina pleaded with him to reconsider, suggesting that his people charge money for their guano rather than stop the supply altogether.

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker was crying over Admiral Blanket’s death when Dmitri Turnankoff burst in, fleeing in panic from the mysterious woman. Dr. Hoelikker informed him that she knew he killed the father of her child, but nevertheless agreed to help him if he accepted a secret mission, which she whispered in his ear.

Armageddon Uno came to Tamborina’s for a massage. As Uno made with the innuendo, she tried to explain that she only offered a legitimate therapeutic massage. Learning that Dmitri Turnankoff was one of her clients, Uno offered her money to let him wear her clothes and wig and handle Dmitri’s next appointment himself.

The babushka-wearing woman was circling around Dmitri, lecturing him about his failure to obtain the moonbase plans…not to mention his failure to figure out who she was.

The power-mad Stephan, wearing Buckstar’s uniform and mustache, strutted into Dr. Hoelikker’s laboratory and informed her that he’d aimed all the station’s defenses towards Earth. He planned to destroy the world and make a new start, and he asked her to join him as his bride. Appalled by his plan but touched by his offer, Gaye agreed to be his queen of evil. Stephan gave her Buckstar’s mustache, and she applied it to her forehead as “the unibrow of power.”

Altair contacted Dr. Frapples on the Computron monitor. Frapples confessed that he was indeed in prison for creating a robot with feelings, but that wasn’t the first one…the first feeling robot was Altair himself.

Captain Buckstar and Gortex broke out of the brig, making their way through the sewers.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 9, Episode 1: Destination Moon

A new season, a new setting (a moonbase casino), new characters (and some old ones returning as well). Let's begin!

Episode 1: Destination Moon

In a moonbase/casino in the far future of 2006, the lounge owner Tamborina and the stranded cosmonaut Dmitri Tournenkoff were getting to know each other. He explained that he had spent his entire life since childhood training for the space program, and had never had time for an outside life, apart from his girl Svetlana back home. Dmitri was looking forward to being reunited with Svetlana as soon as Russia could afford to bring him back home…in about 5 years.

Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People (the moon’s native race) told the robot Altair-9000 that he had noticed a rash of thefts in the casino, and asked Altair to review the security tapes. Altair agreed, and they shook hands…thus bonding them for life, in the tradition of Schmultan’s people.

The station’s medical officer, Dr. Gaye Hoelikker, was having cocktails with Captain Flash Buckstar. She explained her invention of the converter that turns the Hawk-People’s guano into energy to run the moonbase, musing on how much could be accomplished by working with the Hawk-People. Buckstar replied that he didn’t consider the Hawk-People to be people, shocking Dr. Hoelikker with his racism.

The Klingon Gortex was sunbathing on the lunar surface when the moonbase’s Canadian janitor Stephan Fechet came by, sweeping. Gortex revealed that he had devised a plan to catch the thief. He had placed a radioactive dye in the drinks at the table where the thefts were occurring…and that radioactivity would show up in the thief’s poop. In exchange for Stephan collecting the poop for analysis, Gortex rewarded him with a mind-controlling Ceti eel.

Captain Flash Buckstar was reflecting on the accident that got him busted down to his current post, when Admiral James T. Blanket beamed in. Blanket explained that High Command was very disappointed with Buckstar’s performance, so they’d sent him in to take over. Blanket sympathetically told Buckstar that he knew what it was like to have a career ruined by a tragic accident, since he had once blown up a ship full of retarded kids. Blanket told Buckstar that his depression was simply hate focused inward, then advised him to turn that hate on someone else.

Altair-9000 was dealing blackjack when Dmitri came to the table for a hand. Dmitri explained that he was stranded since the malfunction of Sputnik-84. Altair suggested that Dmitri simply use one of the base’s shuttles to return home. Dmitri replied that, since the Soviet Union re-formed and the Cold War was back on, he couldn’t accept any U.S. assistance.

Prince Schmultan applauded as Tamborina finished her dance number in the lounge. Schmultan told her that he was fascinated by her femininity, as his own race consisted entirely of men. To satisfy his curiosity about women, Tamborina explained that women liked tickling, then demonstrated by tickling under his wings. Tamborina told Schmultan how glad she was to have him as a friend, and Schmultan was crushed that she didn’t feel anything more.

Gortex kicked in the door of Dr. Hoelikker’s office, and she made him replace it and knock before he could come in. Gortex explained that he’d brought a suspicious stool sample, and asked her to analyze it. After a preliminary scan, the only thing Dr. Hoelikker could determine for certain was that it wasn’t American poop…it could be either Russian or Canadian.

Admiral Blanket and Altair-9000 were catching up on what had happened since they last saw each other. Blanket explained that he had been promoted to Admiral after saving Justin Timberlake from the horrific 2005 Grammy Fire, and Altair revealed that he had broken away from the giant Valtair robot due to creative differences. Altair confronted Blanket with his suspicions about the thief’s identity, and Blanket confessed that he had been stealing money even without being physically present. Blanket explained that he was framing Dmitri in order to have a pretext to get rid of him, then asked Altair to help.

Dmitri reported back to his Soviet superiors, who were forcing them to do their bidding by holding a gun to Svetlana’s head 24 hours a day (even when she’s out shopping). Dmitri assured them that the crew had accepted him as a harmless Yakov Smirnov-style wacky Russian.

Gortex informed Flash Buckstar that he’d determined that the thief has Russian bowels. The Captain suddenly remembered that Admiral Blanket had a bowel transplant in 2005. Owing Buckstar a blood-debt, Gortex offered to repay him by killing Blanket.

Tamborina received a cease-and-desist order from Admiral Blanket, warning her to stop her lewd dancing. Dr. Gaye Hoelikker walked by and saw that Tamborina was upset. When Tamborina explained the situation, Gaye was enraged that Blanket’s lack of appreciation for dance. Touched by Gaye’s concern, Tamborina offered to teach her some moves.

Prince Schmultan presented Stephan Fechet with an award to thank him for cleaning up after his people. Stephan delivered a heartfelt acceptance speech about his long, arduous journey from Canada to the moon.

Dmitri was curled up on his tiny sleep-cube when Admiral Blanket entered his quarters. Blanket confronted Dmitri about his work with the KGB. Before being taken away, Dmitri asked that Blanket join him for one last drink. Distracting Blanket by pointing out a nearby space-cat, Dmitri slipped something into Blanket’s drink.

Gortex was dealing a hand of Klingon blackjack when Schmultan came by for a game. Schmultan reminisced about the time he’d saved a Klingon’s life, and Gortex realized that that Klingon was his great-great-grandsire. Gortex informed Schmultan that he owed him a blood-debt, but Schmultan replied that he needed no help from a Klingon. Offended by this rejection, Gortex warned Schmultan that he’d made an enemy.

Altair came to Captain Buckstar’s quarters to accuse Dmitri of the thefts. Flash countered that he knew the real culprit was Admiral Blanket, then confused Altair’s logic circuits with a nonsensical argument.

Tamborina and Dr. Hoelikker were drunkenly dancing through the corridors when they mistakenly entered Dmitri’s room and discovered Blanket chained to the wall. Tamborina was very pleased to find Blanket in this position, explaining that it served him right for banning her dance routine. As Dr. Hoelikker amused herself by spinning Blanket around on the secret rotating-door, Dmitri returned to his quarters.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 23: The Final Chapter

Episode 23 – The Final Chapter

After doing a rockin’ musical number to celebrate their new careers as social workers, Commander Blanket smashed his guitar. Blanket noticed that Shika’s face was now patterned instead of solid blue, and Shika explained that it was a chameleon-like change cause by his great sadness at leaving the Keeton-2 behind. Blanket revealed some unfortunate news…a telegram from Spaceforce informed them that, due to budget cuts, they had abandoned their plans to pick up the crew and bring the station down to earth. Instead, they’re just going to let the Keeton-2 and the entire expendable crew burn up on re-entry.

Altair-3 (the right arm of the giant composite Altair robot) was giving Edwina attitude over her transformation from android to human. She defended herself by pointing out that, while Altair-3 was only a part of a whole, she was now complete in a way Altair-3 would never understand.

As Armageddon Uno did a final check on the butter-churn rocket, Scoopella entered. She explained who she was, and told him that she loved him.

In the station’s centrally located park, Elder Amos Fisher prayed for God’s blessing on the butter-churn rocket. Suddenly, Amos clutched at his chest and collapsed. Jacob entered and saw his fallen adoptive father.

AMOS: “Jacob…I think it’s my ticker…my pumper…my lub-a-dub-dubber…”

Amos told Jacob that he wouldn’t be able to help him anymore…and that Jacob was now the leader of the Amish people. As a symbol of leadership, Amos handed his red suspenders over to Jacob. As the end neared, Amos cried out:

AMOS: “Jacob! I see the Kingdom!”
JACOB: “What’s it like?”
AMOS: “It’s like…Tuberon!”

And with that, Elder Amos Fisher died.

Cody Gage and Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as…oh, come on, you know who he is by now) were packing up to start their new life. Dwayne told her that his vast wealth would enable them to go anywhere they wanted, but Cody insisted that she had to actually accomplish something with her life…and she could do that by opening a storage facility for the special-needs people on Tuberon. Dwayne proposed that they not stop there, but open a whole chain of storage facilities. As Dwayne planned their life together, Cody tearfully confessed that she couldn’t burden Dwayne with her terrible medical condition…irritable bowel syndrome. Dwayne tenderly revealed that he shared her affliction.

Altair-4 searched for the other robots. Just as he left, Altair-5 entered. Altair-5 left, and Altair-2 arrived.

ALTAIR-2: “This is like a bad Keystone Kops scene!”

Armageddon and Scoopella took a shower with their clothes on. Scoopella told Armageddon that she’d loved him ever since he took her to Detroit.

ARMAGEDDON: “Wait a minute! Last time I saw you, you were 12. Now, I’m no Paula Poundstone…”

They considered combining her powers and his know-how to start an unprecedented crime wave. Scoopella revealed that, while she was being tested in Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, she found a box containing a billion dollars, which they could use to finance their spree. Tempting as the offer was, Armageddon confessed that his mission to pilot the Amish to Tuberon had taught him an important lesson…it feels good to do good.

Jacob Fisher eulogized his adoptive father, with Dr. Shika in attendance for the impromptu funeral. After the ceremony, Shika gave Jacob even more bad news, telling him about Spaceforce leaving everyone to die. Shika pleaded with Jacob to take them along in the butter-churn rocket. After some quick calculations, they learned that the butter-churn rocket could hold all of Earth’s Amish population, all of Earth’s retarded people, and the entire Keeton-2 crew…except for one person.

Altair-3 got a message from the other Altair robots informing him that they were all outside the station, ready to fulfill their purpose. Altair-3 went out, and we witnessed the awesome spectacle of the five Altairs forming one giant robot (courtesy of the station’s monitor projection screen).

Edwina took a reluctant Scoopella to see her father Jacob. Jacob was ill at ease at being reunited with the destroyer of Detroit, but Edwina urged him to forgive their daughter. Edwina explained Scoopella’s origin, then pointed out her own transformation.

EDWINA: “I’m all human now! I’m still British…I hope we can get past that.”

Jacob confessed his own secret, that he was actually an alien rocketed to Earth as an infant. He opened his shirt to reveal the “A” logo (for Amish-Man) on his super-hero costume underneath. They realized that they were all misfits, and could draw strength from belonging together. Jacob apologized for trying too hard to mold Scoopella into the Amish way of life, and Scoopella apologized for slaughtering Detroit.

Commander Blanket presented Cody Gage with an honorable discharge, then gave her a bag full of his most prized badges and buttons. As Cody reeled from the honor, Dwayne McLifegiver stormed in, enraged over the theft of a billion dollars and 37 cents, which he had packed in a box marked “Tomatoes.” Commander Blanket smoothed things over by offering them the millions he won betting of the Detroit Tigers back in a long-forgotten plot point from Episode 11.

Armageddon Uno stood between his two ships, torn between the freedom and adventure of the Chicken Hawk and the duty and heroism of the butter-churn rocket. Armageddon also felt guilty about taking the billion dollars from Dwayne McLifegiver, the man who truly cares for Armageddon’s sister Cody. Just then, Cody entered, and Armageddon thanked her for fixing his ship…and fixing his heart. Suddenly, a furious Dwayne entered with a gun. Luckily, before things could escalate, the assembled giant Altair robot (now known as “Valtair”) spoke up from outside the station to stop the violence. Calmed down, Dwayne apologized for losing his temper. He told Armageddon that, since Commander Blanket had generously given them his millions, he was going to follow suit and give Armageddon HIS billions.

Suddenly, Commander Blanket arrived, hustling everybody aboard the butter-churn rocket. Just as everyone else boarded, Blanket shut the door behind them. Since one person had to stay behind, Commander James Tranquility Blanket was prepared to sacrifice himself and go down with the ship. (Plus, the Chicken Hawk’s auto-pilot took off to rendezvous with Armageddon later, so scratch that mode of escape.) Moved by Blanket’s heroism, Jacob called out through the portal:

JACOB: “I’ll carve a statue of you on Tuberon!”
BLANKET: “Make me skinnier!”

As everyone bid farewell, Valtair suddenly spoke up, offering to rescue Blanket from the doomed station.

VALTAIR: “Come with us! What do you say?”
BLANKET: “I say…take me down to the Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty…”

Everyone began singing along with Commander Blanket as the two vessels separated. As the Keeton-2 went down in flames, the butter-churn rocket arrived at Tuberon. Our heroes’ old home was gone…but a new one lay ahead of them.

THE END

Season 4, Episode 22: Go Altair Force!

Episode 22: Go Altair Force!

Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as Dwayne Tomagachi and Angus McMurder) and Cody Gage were packing up the equipment from the Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense. Coming across his Torture Droid, the now-reformed Dwayne urged Cody to destroy it along with all his other evil devices. After pondering how much money she might get for pawning it, Cody put the Droid away and said she’d destroy it later. They practiced for their new jobs at the storage facility with a bit of role-playing. When Cody, playing a customer, approached Dwayne about storing some toxic materials, Dwayne suggested some evil ideas but quickly stopped himself. Cody decided to handle the customer service herself. As Cody calculated how much they’d make in their new jobs, Dwayne mentioned that he was a billionaire.

Altair-9000 told Armageddon Uno about his past, explaining that his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, created five Altair robots capable of forming one giant robot.

ALTAIR: “Then we realized there’s no earthly use for a giant robot, so we split up.”

Jacob Fisher’s adoptive father, Amos Fisher, explained more about Jacob’s true origins. Amos found Jacob as an infant in a butter-churn launched from space…proof that there is Amish intelligence elsewhere in the universe. Amos told Jacob that he was the hope of the Amish people.

Commander Blanket reflected on his last week in command of the station. Dr. Shika arrived, and Blanket revealed what he wanted to do with his life. Commander Blanket’s great ambition was to become a social worker and help special children. And, in keeping with the spirit of the Golden Age of Social Work, Blanket adopted a new ’70s outfit. Blanket invited Shika to help him out in his new career, and Shika promised to stop by whenever he’s not spending time with his family on Guano-9.

Edwina was cleaning up in the commissary when her daughter Scoopella entered, fully grown, fashionably dressed, and bearing a strange resemblance to the late Scoop Quasar. Scoopella explained that, after her rampage destroyed Detroit, a nice woman named Catherine Shamrock found her and took her to the Queen Pretty Reform School for Girls, where they turned her into a real lady. Scoopella asked who her father really was, and Edwina decided to take her to Dr. Shika for a DNA test.

Altair-9000 received a radio message from the rapidly approaching Altair-3, who would form the left leg of the giant Altair robot.

On their way to Dr. Shika, Edwina and Scoopella ran into Dwayne Tomagachi. Edwina introduced them.

EDWINA: “This is Scoopella.”
DWAYNE: “No, that’s definitely Scoop Quasar in a ridiculous wig!”

Edwina managed to convince Dwayne that it was indeed Scoopella. Dwayne started to suggest that Scoopella take over the world, but stopped himself. Scoopella suggested that perhaps the Queen Pretty Reform School could help him change his evil ways. Dwayne proposed that they run the necessary tests on Scoopella in his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, since Dr. Shika would probably just foul the tests up.

Cody Gage ran into Dr. Shika, sporting his new ’70s outfit. When Shika explained that he was going to help Commander Blanket help special-needs children, Cody began feeling that her own plans for the storage facility were insignificant. She and Dr. Shika came up with a way that she could make a difference, too—opening a storage facility for retarded people!

Altair-3 approached the station, eager to finally fulfill his purpose.

Commander Blanket visited Amos Fisher in the barn. Amos initially shunned Blanket’s new “hippie” getup, but they smoothed that over. Amos had realized a flaw in Jacob’s plan…the butter-churn rocket would carry all the Amish people, but couldn’t hold their belongings. The Amish, especially the special-needs Amish, need a place to store their stuff. When Blanket learned that 75% of the Amish are retarded, he suggested that they expand their plan to create a homeworld for ALL of Earth’s retarded people as well.

As Jacob Fisher and Armageddon Uno did a last-minute check on the butter-churn rocket, Jacob revealed that the entire barn section of the station was part of his ship, and would detach from the rest of the Keeton-2. Armageddon was amazed that a simple Amish farmer could accomplish all this, and Jacob explained about his extraterrestrial origins. Speculating as to whether Jacob had any powers besides his advanced knowledge, Armageddon recalled how hard Jacob had hit him a couple of weeks ago. Testing Jacob’s strength, they discovered that Jacob could lift a cow with one hand.

Altair-4 arose from the wreckage of Detroit and flew towards the station.

After testing Scoopella’s DNA, Dwayne discovered that Scoopella was 1/3 Jacob, 1/3 Edwina, and 1/3 Scoop…a perfect hybrid of human, android, and Amish alien. As they wondered what this could mean, Dwayne sent Edwina through a shining portal to fetch some Frusen Gladje. When Edwina returned, Dwayne slapped her. Edwina felt the pain…then realized she was now fully human. Amazed and grateful, Edwina wondered how Dwayne had done it, since she hadn’t been able to contact her creator Gary Petto. Dwayne revealed that he WAS Gary Petto. A flashback revealed that Dwayne/Petto’s daughter had been hit by a car while he was too busy building Edwina, and that he had engineered the entire chain of events to create Scoopella as a replacement for his dead child. Upset by Dwayne’s manipulations, Edwina got into a shouting match with him.

EDWINA: “You may be able to scream louder, but I can scream shriller!”

They stopped when they realized that their fighting was traumatizing Scoopella. Dwayne explained that now that Edwina was human, Jacob could finally embrace her without going against his Amish beliefs. Suddenly, Altair-2 arrived. Recognizing Scoopella as the destroyer of Detroit, Altair-2 backed out of the room.

Cody Gage & Dr. Shika told Commander Blanket & Jacob Fisher about their plans for the pro bono retarded storage facility. Blanket then told Jacob about his own plan to bring all Earth’s retarded people along with the Amish to planet Tuberon. Taken aback, Jacob revealed that he had only planned on taking the healthiest of the Amish, leaving inbreeding behind. Shocked by Jacob’s uncharacteristic insensitivity, Blanket reminded him of the lessons of helping others instead of judging them.

TO BE CONCLUDED…

Season 4, Episode 21: The Great Emancipat-bot

Episode 21: The Great Emancipat-bot

After last week’s body-switching experience, Altair-9000 now had the mind of Abraham Lincoln. Altair/Lincoln delivered the Emancipation Proclamation to Jacob Fisher’s livestock, setting all the animals free. Jacob entered and argued that it was God’s plan for animals to be subjugated to human needs.

JACOB: “Cows are here to provide milk for people…and baby cows, but more importantly for people.”

Dr. Shika advised Edwina Prototype to choose between her android and human natures, telling her to “shit on the pot or get off.”

EDWINA: “What I wouldn’t give to shit! It’s so human! The most human acts of all, to shit and to cheat on one’s taxes.”

Needing further counseling, Edwina broke into a song entitled “What Would You Do, Dr. Shika? I Need Your Wisdom.” Dr. Shika told her to listen to her heart.

Steering the station with a wine cooler in one hand and champagne in the other, Commander Blanket suddenly noticed that his beehive had died of neglect, having been ignored since Episode 12. In his sorrow, Blanket reflected on all the other duties he’d failed, and swore to fulfill his promises to deliver the Amish people to Tuberon, help Altair find his four counterpart robots, and get Armageddon Uno laid three times in three weeks. Suddenly, Jacob Fisher’s father Amos Fisher entered the station, having built a spiral staircase into the sky. Amos explained his misgivings about Jacob’s plans to establish a new Amish homeworld. Commander Blanket offered to show Amos his son’s work so he could see Jacob’s sincerity.

Cody Gage’s true personality had returned to her body, while Dwayne McLifegiver (a.k.a. Dwayne Tomagachi, a.k.a. Angus McMurder) was now occupied by both his own personality and Altair’s. After Cody explained her plans to become a beauty professional after she goes back to Earth, they talked about how Dwayne/Altair’s dual personality would affect their relationship.

DWAYNE/ALTAIR: “It’s the best of both worlds! You get someone who wants to experience everything life has to offer…and someone who wants to destroy life. That’s a balance, I guess.”

As Armageddon Uno helped Jacob round up the emancipated livestock, Jacob explained the proper Amish was of slaughtering animals using the Amish martial art of Mish Fu. Jacob proceeded to give Armageddon a rather homoerotic-looking demonstration, while Commander Blanket and Amos Fisher looked on in horror.

Altair/Lincoln was wandering the hallways when Amos and Blanket walked by, still shocked by what they thought they had seen. Perplexed by the strange presidential figure, Amos shunned Altair/Lincoln once he realized he was a robot.

Still unsure of her future career path, Cody Gage scanned the classified ads for something she and Dwayne/Altair could do together. She found an offer to open a storage unit in Lawrenceville, getting paid 6.75 an hour just to live there and watch over the place. The Altair side of Dwayne’s persona balked at the idea, refusing to settle down in one place and give up all life’s experiences. As Altair searched for more exciting work, he discovered an ad from Dwayne’s brother, Heinous McMurder, seeking a new partner in crime. Dwayne was so enraged by his brother’s backstabbing ad that his fury displaced Altair’s personality. Altair returned to his own body just as Lincoln smashed a cane across Amos’ back.

Commander Blanket found Armageddon Uno in the hold. Blanket explained that he wasn’t happy with Spaceforce’s plans to reassign him as a PE teacher in Arizona, and asked if he could travel the universe together with Armageddon. Armageddon accepted the Commander’s request, saying that Blanket reminded him of his old monkey sidekick, Jim-Jim. Commander Blanket shared some bad news…while searching for the other Altair robots, he’d also found out what happened to Jim-Jim. Blanket asked Armageddon if he’d ever seen “Faces of Death.” Armageddon gleefully recalled the movie’s most gruesome moments, until he remembered the restaurant that served monkey brains.

Dr. Shika tended Amos Fisher’s injuries. Amos was initially shocked by the blue-skinned alien’s appearance, but his brutal punishment at Altair’s hands had convinced him not to judge others. Amos was impressed that Shika could fix his back chiropractically, using his hands instead of technology. As they conversed, Shika explained that his true name doesn’t translate into English, and he adopted the name “Shika” after watching Sammy Davis Jr. Shika whispered his real name to Amos, who recognized it as an Amish name. Amos revealed that he’d come to bring his son bad news…the Amish have rejected Jacob’s plan to lead them to a new homeworld.

Dwayne was in the commissary, readjusting to having complete control of his body once again. As Edwina entered and fixed him some Caribou Coffee, Dwayne told her that he now understood what it was like to live as a half-human, half-android. The conversation turned to Edwina’s memories of her own creator, G. Petto. Dwayne recognized the name as belonging to Gary Petto, an employee of the Yamamoto Corporation. Dwayne gave Edwina Dr. Petto’s address so that she could finally become fully human.

Cody Gage ran into Altair-9000, who was discarding his Lincoln outfit. Altair confessed that his experiences as both Dwayne and Lincoln had left him with complex, conflicted emotions about humanity.

CODY: “This isn’t going to be one of those split-personality things, is it? ’Cause I’ve had about enough of that.”
ALTAIR: “I was just gonna open up and tell you how I feel, but fuck you!”

And with that, Altair stormed out.

As Amos Fisher read Shika’s books on chiropractic, Jacob arrived. Amos told Jacob that the elders had rejected his plan, considering the butter-churn rocket to be too much like technology. But that wasn’t the only news Amos brought. Amos explained that, long ago, he and his wife had been trying to have a child for 14 years with no results…then one day, Amos went out into a field to pray for a son. A blue light streaked through the sky, and Amos followed the light to a little butter-churn with a baby inside. A baby whom he named Jacob.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 20: The Freakiest Friday of Them All

Episode 20: The Freakiest Friday of Them All

Commander James T. Blanket went to see Dr. Shika for a check-up after having grown slightly younger (thanks to Estrogena Nipplor’s sexual prowess). However, the check-up was just a pretext…Blanket really wanted to share some momentous news with Shika. Blanket revealed that Spaceforce would be launching the Keeton-3 station in three weeks. The Keeton-2 would be brought back to Earth and put on exhibit in the Cleveland Spaceatorium, and the crew will be reassigned. Blanket’s new job will be as a PE teacher in Arizona. Blanket and Shika resolved to do something meaningful before they’re grounded…like helping Jacob Fisher finish the butter-churn rocket.

Altair-9000 (who’d gone back to his original clunky construction) met the former Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder). “Former” because, since changing his evil ways, Dwayne had rechristened himself Dwayne McLifegiver. Dwayne told Altair that he now wanted to help children, since he couldn’t have any of his own. (His brother Heinous McMurder had cut off Dwayne’s balls so they wouldn’t distract him from evil.) They celebrated Dwayne’s new lease on life by singing a karaoke version of “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before.” Suddenly, Cody Gage entered, having been rescued from Pleasure-9 by her brother Armageddon Uno. When Dwayne learned that she’d gone down to search for him, he was touched that she had cared enough to do that. However, Cody was upset that Dwayne hadn’t tried to find her while she was stranded on the planet. Altair became equally upset by Dwayne’s treatment of her. As the emotional intensity of the scene peaked, suddenly, the three of them swapped personalities.

Edwina Prototype was sensually eating hot Krispy Kremes when Armageddon Uno entered and attempted to take advantage of her supine position. When Edwina rebuffed his advances, Armageddon advised her to sow her wild oats before her upcoming wedding to Jacob Fisher. He told her to experience as much as she could in order to feel alive, but she replied that she felt alive through Jacob’s love and warmth. Armageddon started to explain the difference between love and programming, but soon got tired of talk and grabbed her. As Edwina returned his passionate embrace, Jacob entered.

As the dust cleared from the personality-swap, Cody Gage (in Altair’s body) and Dwayne McLifegiver (in Cody’s) went to the observation deck. Dwayne/Cody suggested sex, but Cody/Altair didn’t think it was possible in her new body.

Simultaneously steering the station, whistling a tune, dancing a jig, and caressing a poster of Raquel Welch, Commander Blanket was contemplating his future as a PE teacher when Altair (in Dwayne’s body) rushed in. Altair/Dwayne explained the situation, then agreed to help Blanket fix Jacob’s rocket without letting him know technology was involved.

ALTAIR/DWAYNE: “I’ll do it…and I’ll feel the first real emotion I’ve ever felt!”
BLANKET: “Me, too.”

As Edwina & Armageddon wrapped up their lovemaking, Jacob finally got their attention by applauding.

JACOB: “Once again, Mr. Uno, thank you for being the prime source of my pain.”

Armageddon revealed that he had planned the whole thing as revenge for Jacob firing him from his farmhand position. First, he led Jacob’s daughter on a crime spree, and now he’s seduced Jacob’s fiancée. Armageddon mocked Jacob for being weak and not standing up for the things he loved. Jacob maintained his Amish composure, refusing to be provoked, but Armageddon observed that his passivity just proved his point. Suddenly, God spoke to Jacob, granting him the strength and power to smite his enemies.

JACOB: “Oh, Mr. Uno, I forgot one important point.”

And with that, Jacob slugged Armageddon.

After sex, Cody/Altair remarked that she didn’t feel anything at all in her new robot body…but that lack of feeling was exactly what she’d been trying to attain her whole life. Altair/Dwayne entered and explained his theory on how they switched bodies. When they were in contact, Altair wished that he could feel human emotions. Cody wished she were completely stoned. As for Dwayne, he just wanted some boiled beef.

His jaw having been knocked out of place by Jacob’s punch, Armageddon went to Dr. Shika to snap it back. When Shika mentioned that Armageddon’s new look reminded him of Sammy Davis Jr., they attempted a duet of “Mr. Bojangles.”

Commander Blanket concealed a nuclear-powered engine inside the butter-churn rocket. Altair/Dwayne entered and quickly finished the job. Having done something selfless, Altair/Dwayne was gripped by an unfamiliar sensation…joy. The emotion was so overpowering that Altair/Dwayne collapsed.

Drunk with power, Jacob told Edwina about God speaking to him and telling him to lead his people in the butter-churn rocket. God said that He would make the other Amish listen to Jacob, and told him that he’d find an endless supply of loaves and fishes in the barn. Getting back to discussing their relationship, Edwina tried to put a positive spin on her fling with Armageddon by pointing out that her mistake was a human failing. She explained (in song) that her entire existence had been a series of screw-ups. Jacob told her that he realized her feelings were indeed genuine, just like his had been.

EDWINA: “Ooh, I don’t like the past tense.”

Jacob explained that he was just a cog in God’s plans, and couldn’t allow his feelings to interfere with fulfilling his role. Edwina told Jacob that she loved him too much to stand in his way, but added that there’d always be snickerdoodles waiting for him in the commissary if he ever came back.

Cody/Altair and Dwayne/Cody went to see Dr. Shika, explaining their body-switching problem. Dwayne/Cody went up to one of Shika’s machines and punched in an order for boiled beef. Suddenly, Dwayne/Cody took on the personality of Edwina Prototype, and Cody/Altair became Abraham Lincoln.

Jacob entered the barn and noticed that somebody had been tinkering with the rocket, but didn’t see anything amiss. When the fully-functional rocket activated, Jacob dropped to his knees in gratitude. Armageddon Uno entered and apologized for everything he’d done to Jacob (“I’m a jerk. That’s the kind of guy I am.”). Armageddon offered to make up for his previous behavior by piloting the butter-churn rocket and taking Jacob’s people to Tuberon.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 19: McMurder No More

Episode 19: McMurder No More

Revitalized by having constant sex with the Pleasure-9 she-bot Estrogena Nipplor, Commander Blanket had regressed to fratboy age. He brought her aboard the Keeton-2, promising her that he’d leave his command to be with her. He offered to put on some KISS records, but she was not impressed.

Back on the surface of Pleasure-9, Altair-9000 and Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) were reunited after being on their own for two weeks. In that time, Altair had found inner peace in the beauty of nature, while Dwayne had simply gone insane.

Edwina Prototype tinkered with the butter-churn rocket while Jacob Fisher was away on Earth searching for their daughter Scoopella. Dr. Shika entered, and Edwina confessed her doubts that Jacob really loved her. Shika pointed out that she obviously must still have feelings for Jacob, or else she wouldn’t be working on his invention.

On board the Chicken Hawk, Armageddon Uno was surprised to see Darren Johnson…partly because he wasn’t expecting any visitors, but mainly because Darren was stabbed to death in Episode 16. Darren explained that his body had been jettisoned into space and made its way to Pleasure-9, where he was “sexed back to life” by Estrogena. When Darren discovered that she had taken one of his testicles even as she restored his life, he swore to rescue Commander Blanket from Estrogena’s clutches.

Estrogena Nipplor and Edwina Prototype met and immediately recognized each other as sister she-bots. Estrogena remarked that she never expected to see another of her kind, as all her people were wiped out. Edwina accused Estrogena of doing the “wiping out” herself, but Estrogena explained that the everyone else on Pleasure-9 had actually succumbed to an allergy to cheap cologne. Edwina apologized for her initial hostility, and they sat down for some she-bot bonding.

Searching for Estrogena, Armageddon & Darren discovered Commander Blanket, now regressed to a teenager.

ARMAGEDDON: “You better stop bangin’ that broad, or you’ll be in the womb in twenty minutes!”

Altair and Dwayne made their way back to the station via a rope ladder. Dwayne talked to a basketball and reminisced about the hut he made from his own feces when he was alone on Pleasure-9. Altair tried to get Dwayne to snap back to his old self.

Dr. Shika examined the teenaged Commander Blanket while a tense and edgy Armageddon Uno stood guard.

SHIKA: “Commander, I’m a little concerned right now because NOBODY’S STEERING THE SHIP!”

Shika checked the station’s computers to track down Estrogena Nipplor. When Shika mispronounced her name, Armageddon threatened to kill him. That’s how tense and edgy he was.

Edwina and Estrogena got drunk and talked about their lives. When Edwina mentioned her daughter Scoopella, Estrogena was amazed that Edwina had delivered her the old-fashioned way (“It came out of your hoo-hah?”) instead of using a birthing pod. Estrogena envied Edwina for having a real relationship and real childbirth, then revealed that she’d like to have those experiences herself…with Darren Johnson.

Altair-9000 brought Dwayne Tomagachi to see Dr. Shika. As Shika examined Dwayne, Dwayne started mimicking the doctor. As he and Dwayne spoke in one voice, Shika diagnosed Dwayne’s madness as the result of malnutrition. Dr. Shika gave Dwayne a can of beans for protein, and Dwayne was soon restored to his old self.

DWAYNE: “Dr. Shika! You actually prescribed something that worked!”

Darren and Armageddon finally found Estrogena in the hallway. Darren and Estrogena were very happy to see each other, but Commander Blanket (restored to his proper age) entered and warned Darren that he was in danger of going from simple sex to a full-blown relationship. Estrogena asked if it was a bad time to mention she wanted a baby.

Dwayne was in the commissary when a drunken Edwina entered, looking for someone to commiserate with.

EDWINA: “Are you evil, or can I talk to you?”
DWAYNE: “Look at the goatee! I’m obviously evil!”

Nevertheless, Edwina poured out her heart about Scoopella’s rampage, and they sang a duet about the difficulties of raising children.

Altair was recharging when Estrogena came in. She told Altair how her entire family had been killed by Old Spice, but that she wanted to form a new family with Darren Johnson. Altair offered to help her serenade him.

Darren confessed that he was starting to develop genuine feelings for Estrogena. Commander Blanket warned him against wild, sexy women, suggesting that he find a woman he could be friends with instead. Just then, Dr. Shika rushed in and told them where Estrogena was.

Edwina was showing pictures of Scoopella to Dwayne. Dwayne was touched by the domestic scenes, and confessed that he’d always wanted children, but his brother Heinous always said they’d get in the way of their criminal career. He explained that he’d wanted to kidnap her baby for this reason, and not just so he could breed an android army. Edwina told Dwayne that he could give up his evil ways, adopt some children, and build a future with Cody Gage.

DWAYNE: “I don’t have to be a McMurder! I can be a McLiver! A McLifegiver!”

While looking for Estrogena, the search party got distracted by the holodeck, setting it to the pirate and Rodney Dangerfield programs. Estrogena entered and recognized Dr. Shika. She showed Shika the blue testicle from her collection…the one she inherited from her mother. She revealed that her mother had taken it from Shika’s father when he was stranded on Pleasure-9…meaning that Estrogena was Shika’s half-sister!

Altair-9000 found Darren and told him that Estrogena liked him. Darren was thrilled by the news. The search party and Estrogena entered, and the lovers had a happy reunion. Dr. Shika made an honest woman of his sister by performing a wedding ceremony. The newlyweds got into an escape pod and were jettisoned off to the planet Honeymoon-5.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 17: Raising Scoopella

Episode 17: Raising Scoopella

Cody Gage was looking over some old love notes from her boyfriend Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder). Dwayne entered, informing her that he was still going down to Pleasure-9 despite last week’s disastrous briefing session. Dwayne mentioned that his brother, Heinous McMurder, had disappeared after they killed Darren Johnson. Dwayne feared that the carbonade freezing had caused his bloodthirsty twin to develop a conscience. Cody told Dwayne that nobody had ever cared for her strongly enough to kill somebody over her. They sang a karaoke duet of Meat Loaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love.”

Jacob was teaching his “daughter” Scoopella (who was now physically and emotionally 11 years old, thanks to her half-android growth rate) about life on the farm. He started telling her the story of Noah’s ark, comparing it to his own calling to lead the Amish into space in his butter-churn rocket. Scoopella just couldn’t get past the oxymoron of Amish astronauts. When Jacob gave her a little monkey bookmark he had made, Scoopella lashed out at the childish gift. Jacob exclaimed that Edwina must have poisoned Scoopella against his Amish ways.

Commander Blanket told Altair-9000 he was worried about the upcoming mission to Pleasure-9, then illustrated his fears through modern dance. Afterwards, Blanket told Altair that the McMurder brothers were too evil to live, and instructed the robot to make sure they don’t make it back.

ALTAIR: “All right, sir. I’ve killed before…out of sheer stupidity.”
BLANKET: “So have I. That’s why I can talk to you.”

Blanket explained that Altair’s soft dough-filled mitts could be heated in an oven until they harden into deadly weapons (“but not too long, or they’ll get brittle & fall off”).

Edwina Prototype and Armageddon Uno were shopping for fish and discussing Scoopella. Edwina worried that Jacob was going too far in raising her in the Amish tradition. Armageddon suggested that he talk to Scoopella and encourage her to be herself. (Incidentally, Armageddon’s right hand was grotesquely swollen from a recurring after-effect of an old trip to Chlamydia-6…but let’s not get into that.)

As Commander Blanket began briefing the away team, Altair couldn’t resist nibbling on his baked cookie-hands.

Jacob was lecturing Scoopella about humility when Armageddon Uno arrived and told Jacob Edwina wanted to see him. Once they were alone, Armageddon asked Scoopella if she enjoyed being Amish. She didn’t. Scoopella told him that she wanted to go to Earth. Armageddon replied that he was going to take her to the greatest city on the planet, and launched into a stirring speech on the wonders of Detroit, Michigan.

Arriving on Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket was surprised to find that the planet, usually populated by gorgeous women, was completely deserted. The explorers discovered “The Diary of Fan Bank” and learned that an evil force had invaded the place. Altair (now one-handed) sensed something approaching.

After a brief stop at the medical center to take care of his hand, Armageddon headed to Earth with Scoopella. He noticed that the girl was developing a real attitude, and realized that she must’ve just hit puberty.

Cody Gage found the “Back in 15 Minutes” note that Commander Blanket left on the bridge.

Edwina told Jacob that she’d asked Armageddon to babysit Scoopella so they could have a romantic evening. Then she abruptly demanded sex. Jacob insisted that he couldn’t “soil” Edwina again until they were married. When Edwina realized that Jacob wasn’t giving in this time, she arranged to have the ceremony right away.

On Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket sent Dwayne Tomagachi to scout out the scene. Immediately afterwards, Blanket ordered Altair to follow Dwayne and kill him (warning the robot not to eat his other hand before finishing the job).

Just as it dawned on Cody that the note didn’t say when the 15 minutes started, Edwina rushed in, looking for Commander Blanket so he could perform the wedding. Checking the monitors, Edwina discovered that the Commander was on Pleasure-9, and that Armageddon had taken Scoopella to Detroit in the Chicken Hawk. Her maternal instincts kicking into overdrive, Edwina started steering the station back to Earth.

In Detroit, Armageddon & Scoopella were playing basketball when they got involved in a drive-by shooting. Armageddon handed Scoopella his gun. She returned fire and liked it. Armageddon decided to give Scoopella more kicks by taking her to rob a casino.

Jacob arrived on the bridge and found Edwina at the helm. When Edwina explained that Armageddon had taken their daughter to Detroit, Jacob was filled with horror.

EDWINA: “Calm down! It’s all right!”
JACOB: “It’s NOT all right! It’s NEVER all right in Detroit!”

Jacob confessed that Detroit was the site of his youthful indiscretions…the place where he saw “The Crying Game.” On the monitors, they saw Armageddon and Scoopella making their getaway from the robbery, guns a-blazin’.

As Altair grabbed Dwayne, Commander Blanket realized that the station was no longer circling Pleasure-9. He called off the attack, explaining that they may need Dwayne alive while they’re stranded there. Checking the supplies, they discovered that the only food they had was Altair’s cookie-dough hands.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Season 4, Episode 16: Altair Cookiehands

Episode 16: Altair Cookiehands

As the station approached Pleasure-9, Commander James T. Blanket was having nightmares about the crew dying horribly on the planet.

Edwina & Jacob held the newborn Scoopella. Edwina warned Jacob that her half-android nature would cause the baby to grow up very quickly. When Jacob mentioned that he’d be raising Scoopella in the Amish tradition, Edwina was upset that he hadn’t included her in such an important decision. She told Jacob that, whatever the actual parentage may be, they had to think of her as THEIR daughter.

Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) held Armageddon Uno prisoner, forcing him to watch reruns of “Golden Girls.” Releasing Armageddon from the force field, Dwayne admitted that his heart hadn’t been in his evil plans since falling in love with Armageddon’s sister Cody Gage.

DWAYNE: “There’s a certain purity about her…that stoned naiveté…”

Armageddon offered to swear a blood oath with Dwayne, promising that he wouldn’t give Dwayne away if Dwayne would look after Cody. Dwayne agreed, on the condition that Armageddon take a blood test first.

Cody was explaining her duties to Dwayne’s twin brother Heinous McMurder. The conversation turned to Cody’s engagement to Dwayne/Angus, and Heinous revealed that the last girl Angus had been engaged to had broken his heart. Cody gave a more-than-usually incoherent reply involving Dr. Laura, but the gist of it was that she would never do that to Dwayne. Cody and Heinous hugged, despite Heinous’ difficulty expressing himself non-violently.

Commander Blanket met Darren Johnson, the winner of a radio contest to visit the space station. Blanket suddenly realized that he didn’t need to risk his crew’s lives on Pleasure-9 when he could sacrifice an innocent civilian instead. He offered to put Darren through a rigorous training montage.

Wracked with guilt over killing Scoop, Altair-9000 had replaced his hands with dough-filled oven mitts to make sure he couldn’t hurt anyone again. Dr. Shika talked with Altair about his grief, then gave the robot a copy of Judy Blume’s “Super Fudge” to help him with these difficult feelings.

Darren Johnson’s training montage began.

Cody and Edwina went over the plans for Edwina’s wedding to Jacob. When Cody started crying about wanting a wedding of her own, Edwina assured her that “happiness begets happiness,” and her own wedding might just follow. Cody told Edwina about her fiancé, but her description was so garbled that Edwina didn’t realize she was talking about Dwayne Tomagachi. Cody sang a peppy upbeat song about her relationship.

The training montage concluded.

BLANKET: “All right! You’ve learned how to attract, kiss, seduce, push aside, kill, and seduce women.”

Darren confessed that he’d never had much time for women due to his work as producer of the horror movies Retarded Death-Stalkers I through III. As the atonal screams of the people of Retardo-Montalban 6 echoed through his head, Blanket urged Darren to stop exploiting special-needs people, and instead make films to help them. Darren was inspired to develop two new ideas: Retarded Flower Girl and Retarded Driving Instructor.

That night, Commander Blanket had an even more disturbing, inexplicable nightmare involving a naked Blue Man (not to be confused with Blue Man Group or Dr. Shika).

Cody and Darren talked shop about the station’s engines. Darren tried his newly-learned seduction techniques on Cody.

DARREN: “There’s three types of girls in this world. There’s fine-looking girls, there’s finer-looking girls, and, well, there’s the finest-looking girl!”

The McMurder brothers waited to ambush Commander Blanket on the bridge. Ensign Boggess entered and was immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Blanket arrived and found the crewman murdered, just like in his nightmare. As Dwayne spun the station’s steering wheel out of control, Ensign Armit entered and was (you guessed it) immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Commander Blanket told the brothers that the station wasn’t even orbiting Earth anymore, but had arrived at Pleasure-9.

BLANKET: “If you love evil, you’ll love a planet full of women.”

As Jacob cradled Scoopella, Armageddon Uno came in, still holding a grudge. Armageddon’s anger subsided when he saw the baby. Jacob gave Armageddon a Bible Bar (“Based on a recipe from Deuteronomy 8:8”) to celebrate the birth. After taking a bite, Armageddon quickly “fed” his chewed-up mouthful to Scoopella.

Commander Blanket held a staff meeting, while Jacob handed out Bible Bars to everybody. (The Commander gave his own bar to Darren as part of his “training.”) From their hiding spot behind the computer, the McMurder brothers saw Darren flirting with Cody. Blanket informed everybody about the dangerous mission to Pleasure-9, explaining that the away team would consist of the McMurders and Darren Johnson—the most expendable people on board. As Cody pleaded for Dwayne to stay safely on board, a fight broke out between Dwayne and Darren. Altair tried to intervene, but his dough-hands were useless. Heinous McMurder brought the fight to an end by stabbing Darren.

TO BE CONTINUED…