Episode 5: Everybody Dies
Officer Simpson was grilling the Commodore about the murder of Mary Lou Retton. She brought in a line-up of suspects (Dan Mandarino, Officer Snatch, Buster Banks, Angelo Lansbury, and a random guy), asking the Commodore to point out the person he saw standing over Mary Lou’s body. She confessed that she believed the Commodore himself did it, but she was willing to frame whoever he picked out. Seeing a chance for revenge, the Commodore identified Dan Mandarino as the killer. They pulled Dan out of the line-up and confiscated his football. Simpson revealed the reason for her action: she’s pregnant with the Commodore’s child.
Angelo Lansbury was trying to handle his business affairs when Rodriguez Philbin entered. Rodriguez revealed that he was Angelo’s son, whom Angelo had tried to have killed by a “baby hitman.” Angelo told Rodriguez that he was at death’s door due to having his liver ejected from his body. Rodriguez immediately went from vengeful to sympathetic, and offered to kill everybody in town to find a match for his liver.
Buster Banks was in his editing room when his lost love, Dixie Greenflag, entered. She revealed that, since fleeing town after shooting Angelo, she had found religion and was putting her life as a porn star behind her. (“The only threesome I’m interested in now is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.”) She asked Buster to join her in her new life.
Dan Mandarino was working as a celebrity bartender at Coconutz, despondent without his football. (Even his career highlights were dull now.) Shula Goldamayer entered and congratulated him for blowing out Angelo’s liver. She offered him a chance to fight more crime by joining the police force. She admitted that they had a lot in common…she used to play football as well, though she played street football because she was too hardcore for the NFL. Dan suddenly recognized her as his idol, “The Shulanator.”
In Simpson & Snatch’s apartment, Simpson told Snatch that she believed she was pregnant. Snatch wanted to have a baby herself so that they could share the experience together, even though Simpson had two weeks’ headstart.
SIMPSON: “Maybe you could have your baby prematurely.”
SNATCH: “Well, I do smoke a lot.”
When Simpson revealed that the father was the Commodore, Snatch was appalled. Snatch explained how the Commodore had threatened her mother. They were both so emotionally conflicted that they decided to go out and get drunk.
The Commodore and Buster Banks were hanging out at the arcade. Buster noticed that the Commodore had Dan’s football…which was only the first part of the Commodore’s plan to get revenge on Dan. Buster suggested that they combine that with his own plan to get revenge on Rodriguez Philbin for killing Mary Lou Retton. Struck by a sudden inspiration, Buster asked the Commodore to take over Mary Lou’s role in his movie.
Angelo was in the hospital for his daily blood-cleansing when Dixie Greenflag entered. Despite their having tried to kill each other, their strange circumstances brought them to a kind of truce. Now that he’s at death’s door, Angelo asked Dixie to forgive him for getting her into porn. She asked him to repent for all his misdeeds, not just his crimes against her. He agreed, and promised not to stand in the way of her marriage with Buster.
Officer Snatch was buying donuts at a convenience store when Rodriguez Philbin entered and introduced himself. Snatch reminded him that she had arrested him last week, and tried to do so again. When Rodriguez threatened to take her liver, Snatch told him that she knew an even better match…somebody she needed to get rid of anyway. If Rodriguez would eliminate her enemy, she would provide him with a victim…Dixie Greenflag.
Shula Goldamayer was going over some new legislation when Angelo staggered in, asking her help in moving him up the list to get a new liver. Shula pointed out that she had predicted that his life of crime would lead to something like this. When he said that he regretted his evil ways, Shula opened her desk drawer and presented him with the perfect type B-Positive liver…Mary Lou Retton’s.
The Commodore went to see Simpson, ready to take responsibility as a father. She revealed that she wasn’t pregnant after all, then pulled her gun on him for threatening Snatch’s mother. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, and ordered him to go. Before he left, he gave her a gift of “the future”…a computer diskette.
At Amateur Night at Coconutz, Dixie Greenflag was singing a rockin’ song about finding religion. At the end of her song, Rodriguez Philbin came on stage and complimented her on her performance. (“I find you very attractive. Therefore, I must kill you in front of this amateur night audience.”) After strangling her, Rodriguez took a bow and announced, “I’ll be here all week.”
Buster Banks was filming Dan Mandarino in a commercial for Tiger Malt Liquor. In the course of their conversation, Buster mentioned the sex tape he had of Dan and Poppi. Dan said he would do anything to get that tape back.
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch investigated the crime scene. Snatch recognized Dixie as the star of her favorite porn film, “Guess Who’s Coming at Dinner?” Simpson figured that the murder was the work of Rodriguez Philbin, but Snatch made up an alibi for him, claiming he was having sex with her at the time. Simpson was appalled that Snatch might be pregnant, now that Simpson knew that she herself wasn’t. Snatch asked Simpson to be the father figure for her baby.
Rodriguez Philbin was cooking Beanie Weenies at Buster’s place, then hid when Buster arrived. Buster found a newspaper headline announcing Dixie’s murder. Before he had time to grieve, he heard the tell-tale flatulence and discovered Rodriguez. Buster grabbed his gun.
RODRIGUEZ: “You can shoot me, Buster Banks…but know that you’d be shooting your own brother!”
BUSTER: “I’ll investigate that plot point later!”
With that, Buster shot Rodriguez.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label dixie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dixie. Show all posts
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Season 7, Episode 1: Welcome to Miami
It's a new season, and a new setting...this time, our adventures and mishaps take place in 1980s Miami...not the real Miami, but the TV Miami. And by "TV Miami," I'm talking Don Johnson, not David Caruso. Let's rock!
Episode 1: Welcome to Miami
Detective Orville Furman, newly transferred to Miami, called in undercover officers Simpson and Snatch. He informed them that a citizen had complained that, when the officers answered his 911 call, “his 10-year-old child saw nipple!” Furman explained that he accepted Simpson & Snatch having their own personal style of dress, but warned them not to expose themselves to children.
Film director Buster Banks and his leading starlet, Dixie Greenflag, were preparing to shoot their latest literary adaptation, “The Glass Menage a Trois”…their most ambitious collaboration since “Three Sisters on Sisters.” As they discussed the project, Buster grew pensive and explained that it’s always been his policy never to get personally involved with the talent…and that he wanted Dixie to quit the business so that they could pursue a relationship together. Dixie was stunned by his proposal, but reluctant to abandon her dream of starring in “The Merchant of Penis.”
Angelo Lansbury, CEO of Miami’s leading cocaine distribution company, met with football star Dan Mandarino and asked Dan to become the official spokesperson for Lansbury Cocaine. His payment would be $850 thousand, either in installments or as a lump sum. Dan replied, “I take things in lumps.”
Mayor Shula Goldamayer paid a visit to nightclub owner Poppi to discuss his liquor license. Shula demanded $3000 dollars to renew his license, so that she could pay for her next two face tucks, or else “I will close you down like a thing that gets closed down.” Poppi offered her $2000 and sexual favors instead, but Shula declined the offer.
Simpson and Snatch were out on patrol, arguing about Detective Furman’s reprimand, when they accidentally ran over a pedestrian. Continuing on their way, they decided to go to the pool. Realizing that they’d forgotten their Sun-In, they turned back and ran over the guy again.
Detective Furman went to see Angelo Lansbury, explaining that he was going around town and meeting all his constituents. Angelo offered him a welcoming gift of four bags of cocaine. Furman was shocked. He explained that he was just a simple cop from Milwaukee, and this was just too much for him to handle. He returned three bags and kept one. Furman agreed to overlook Angelo’s business dealings, as long as he didn’t cause any trouble or gun down pregnant women in public.
Dan Mandarino was having a drink at Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, contemplating Angelo’s job offer. Poppi made some suggestive remarks to Dan, then went to talk to the DJ. Left alone, Dan began hearing the voices of all his football coaches offering him advice. When Poppi came back, Dan explained his dilemma. Poppi suddenly planted a big kiss on Dan.
Dixie Greenflag went to City Hall to see her estranged mother, Mayor Shula Goldamayer. Shula apologized for abandoning her family, but explained that Dixie’s father just wasn’t wealthy enough for her. Dixie explained that she was thinking of leaving the porn industry for love, but was conflicted. Shula gave Dixie one of her press-on nails, telling Dixie to look at the nail and think of her mother when the time came to make the decision.
Buster Banks visited Angelo Lansbury, who complimented Buster on the success of “To Fist a Mockingbird.” Buster explained his situation with Dixie, and Angelo warned Buster that Dixie was the star who brought in the profits. If Dixie quits, Angelo would stop distributing Buster’s films. Buster warned Angelo that there were a lot of porn fans with guns out there, and if necessary Buster could organize them into an army against Angelo’s thugs.
Dan Mandarino was waiting on the pier for his blind date…who turned out to be Officer Snatch. Dan told Snatch that she was prettier than any cheerleader he’d ever seen: “Your face is beautiful, and your hair’s like gold…but darker.”
Poppi paid a visit to Detective Furman’s office, explaining that Mayor Goldamayer was on the take and was shaking Poppi down. Furman urged Poppi to stay legal, then complimented Poppi on his wig. (“You flaming gay guys really know how to have fun!”) Poppi let Detective Furman try on the wig, and Furman was thrilled by the experience.
Shula Goldamayer was driving to a ribbon-cutting ceremony, with Officer Simpson as her bodyguard. Shula asked Simpson if she looked fat, explaining that a couple of people had made remarks about Shula’s weight. Simpson pulled out her gun and offered to shoot those people, and Shula gave her the names: Angelo Lansbury & Poppi. Before Simpson set out on this mission, she loaned her gun to Shula for her own protection. Shula mentioned how glad she was that she’d passed a law where each police officer’s name was inscribed on all their own bullets.
Angelo Lansbury and Dixie Greenflag met at Coconutz. He warned her that she couldn’t quit the business, since she still had a year and a half left on her three-year contract (which she didn’t remember signing, since she was high on cocaine). Dixie declared that Angelo couldn’t intimidate her, so he showed her his gun. (“That IS slightly intimidating.”) Angelo told her that Buster would find somebody else…the only love that stays is Angelo’s love of money. He pulled his gun on her.
Buster visited Mayor Goldamayer’s office, explaining that he’d been putting money aside for his masterpiece, but had instead used that money to buy a ring for Dixie. Shula advised him to get a refund, since she would provide her own ring. She handed Buster the “ring,” which bore a strange resemblance to Simpson’s gun. When Buster pointed out this resemblance, Shula was offended that he had insulted her “traditional Jewish wedding ring.”
Dan Mandarino brought Snatch back to his apartment, where he confessed that, before their date, he’d met another someone special. Suddenly, Poppi walked into the room. Dan asked Snatch to help keep his secret. She started to ask what was in it for her, but was too drunk to complete the thought.
Angelo Lansbury was holding Dixie at gunpoint when Buster entered. Dixie rushed to Buster’s side, taunting Angelo: “You’re not gonna take a potshot at your cash cow! Moo!” Seemingly accepting their decision, Angelo called in Shula Goldamayer, and asked her to perform the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony. As Shula recited the vows and Angelo leveled his gun, Dixie sensed that something was about to go wrong. She told Buster to remember that she loves him, no matter what happened next. When Buster slipped the gun/ring on Dixie’s finger, she suddenly turned and shot Angelo, then fled.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 1: Welcome to Miami
Detective Orville Furman, newly transferred to Miami, called in undercover officers Simpson and Snatch. He informed them that a citizen had complained that, when the officers answered his 911 call, “his 10-year-old child saw nipple!” Furman explained that he accepted Simpson & Snatch having their own personal style of dress, but warned them not to expose themselves to children.
Film director Buster Banks and his leading starlet, Dixie Greenflag, were preparing to shoot their latest literary adaptation, “The Glass Menage a Trois”…their most ambitious collaboration since “Three Sisters on Sisters.” As they discussed the project, Buster grew pensive and explained that it’s always been his policy never to get personally involved with the talent…and that he wanted Dixie to quit the business so that they could pursue a relationship together. Dixie was stunned by his proposal, but reluctant to abandon her dream of starring in “The Merchant of Penis.”
Angelo Lansbury, CEO of Miami’s leading cocaine distribution company, met with football star Dan Mandarino and asked Dan to become the official spokesperson for Lansbury Cocaine. His payment would be $850 thousand, either in installments or as a lump sum. Dan replied, “I take things in lumps.”
Mayor Shula Goldamayer paid a visit to nightclub owner Poppi to discuss his liquor license. Shula demanded $3000 dollars to renew his license, so that she could pay for her next two face tucks, or else “I will close you down like a thing that gets closed down.” Poppi offered her $2000 and sexual favors instead, but Shula declined the offer.
Simpson and Snatch were out on patrol, arguing about Detective Furman’s reprimand, when they accidentally ran over a pedestrian. Continuing on their way, they decided to go to the pool. Realizing that they’d forgotten their Sun-In, they turned back and ran over the guy again.
Detective Furman went to see Angelo Lansbury, explaining that he was going around town and meeting all his constituents. Angelo offered him a welcoming gift of four bags of cocaine. Furman was shocked. He explained that he was just a simple cop from Milwaukee, and this was just too much for him to handle. He returned three bags and kept one. Furman agreed to overlook Angelo’s business dealings, as long as he didn’t cause any trouble or gun down pregnant women in public.
Dan Mandarino was having a drink at Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, contemplating Angelo’s job offer. Poppi made some suggestive remarks to Dan, then went to talk to the DJ. Left alone, Dan began hearing the voices of all his football coaches offering him advice. When Poppi came back, Dan explained his dilemma. Poppi suddenly planted a big kiss on Dan.
Dixie Greenflag went to City Hall to see her estranged mother, Mayor Shula Goldamayer. Shula apologized for abandoning her family, but explained that Dixie’s father just wasn’t wealthy enough for her. Dixie explained that she was thinking of leaving the porn industry for love, but was conflicted. Shula gave Dixie one of her press-on nails, telling Dixie to look at the nail and think of her mother when the time came to make the decision.
Buster Banks visited Angelo Lansbury, who complimented Buster on the success of “To Fist a Mockingbird.” Buster explained his situation with Dixie, and Angelo warned Buster that Dixie was the star who brought in the profits. If Dixie quits, Angelo would stop distributing Buster’s films. Buster warned Angelo that there were a lot of porn fans with guns out there, and if necessary Buster could organize them into an army against Angelo’s thugs.
Dan Mandarino was waiting on the pier for his blind date…who turned out to be Officer Snatch. Dan told Snatch that she was prettier than any cheerleader he’d ever seen: “Your face is beautiful, and your hair’s like gold…but darker.”
Poppi paid a visit to Detective Furman’s office, explaining that Mayor Goldamayer was on the take and was shaking Poppi down. Furman urged Poppi to stay legal, then complimented Poppi on his wig. (“You flaming gay guys really know how to have fun!”) Poppi let Detective Furman try on the wig, and Furman was thrilled by the experience.
Shula Goldamayer was driving to a ribbon-cutting ceremony, with Officer Simpson as her bodyguard. Shula asked Simpson if she looked fat, explaining that a couple of people had made remarks about Shula’s weight. Simpson pulled out her gun and offered to shoot those people, and Shula gave her the names: Angelo Lansbury & Poppi. Before Simpson set out on this mission, she loaned her gun to Shula for her own protection. Shula mentioned how glad she was that she’d passed a law where each police officer’s name was inscribed on all their own bullets.
Angelo Lansbury and Dixie Greenflag met at Coconutz. He warned her that she couldn’t quit the business, since she still had a year and a half left on her three-year contract (which she didn’t remember signing, since she was high on cocaine). Dixie declared that Angelo couldn’t intimidate her, so he showed her his gun. (“That IS slightly intimidating.”) Angelo told her that Buster would find somebody else…the only love that stays is Angelo’s love of money. He pulled his gun on her.
Buster visited Mayor Goldamayer’s office, explaining that he’d been putting money aside for his masterpiece, but had instead used that money to buy a ring for Dixie. Shula advised him to get a refund, since she would provide her own ring. She handed Buster the “ring,” which bore a strange resemblance to Simpson’s gun. When Buster pointed out this resemblance, Shula was offended that he had insulted her “traditional Jewish wedding ring.”
Dan Mandarino brought Snatch back to his apartment, where he confessed that, before their date, he’d met another someone special. Suddenly, Poppi walked into the room. Dan asked Snatch to help keep his secret. She started to ask what was in it for her, but was too drunk to complete the thought.
Angelo Lansbury was holding Dixie at gunpoint when Buster entered. Dixie rushed to Buster’s side, taunting Angelo: “You’re not gonna take a potshot at your cash cow! Moo!” Seemingly accepting their decision, Angelo called in Shula Goldamayer, and asked her to perform the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony. As Shula recited the vows and Angelo leveled his gun, Dixie sensed that something was about to go wrong. She told Buster to remember that she loves him, no matter what happened next. When Buster slipped the gun/ring on Dixie’s finger, she suddenly turned and shot Angelo, then fled.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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