Season 5, Episode 16: Everybody Dies

Episode 16: Everybody Dies

Having stolen Constance’s reproductive system, Roswell Diabolicus was now carrying Brigham Young’s child. Brigham demanded his baby back, explaining that he had conceived that child for the divinely-ordained purpose of fathering the Mormons. In effect, that child was God’s child. This information only made Roswell more determined to keep the baby himself, so that he could corrupt it.

The revelation of Brigham’s infidelity had driven Red Clay onto the warpath, so he visited the general store to pick up some more war paint. Fantastic Sam came in and told Red Clay that he, too, was feeling a murderous mood. Suddenly, they heard an eerie noise and rushed outside to see some strange lights in the sky. Just as suddenly, the mysterious flying object disappeared, and they went back to their original conversation. Red Clay and Sam decided to steal a bunch of TNT from the store and blow up Little One Point.

Having been kicked out of office by Trapper Jean, ex-mayor Hop Hop was reduced to begging for change (and beer) on the street. Sheriff Madeline Clementine strolled by, her face covered with hideous sores. Madeline explained that, when God sent the plague of syphilis, she caught it…then she caught a double-dose when she slept with Trapper Jean. As she explained that the syphilis would soon drive her insane, Madeline suddenly started tap-dancing for no apparent reason. Fantastic Sam walked by, carrying a bundle of stolen supplies. Hop Hop begged for some spare food, and Sam gave him some moldy oranges. Hop Hop shared the oranges with the reluctant Madeline.

At the school, Will McGotnuthin was teaching atheism to his sole remaining student, Timmy. Trapper Jean entered and dismissed the class. Jean explained that he had appointed himself Mayor by claiming Hop Hop’s office in the name of French Canada.

WILL: “Then, I could claim it in the name of Willsville?”
JEAN: “Yes, but then I would likely shoot you dead, and it would revert to me.”

Jean told Will that he should start teaching about the wonders of France, but the school didn’t have an ‘F’ encyclopedia yet. Jean informed Will that he could provide the school with a complete set of encyclopedias. Impressed by Jean’s erudition, Will agreed to teach whatever Jean tells him to.

Hauling his bag of loot, Fantastic Sam was stopped by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell tried to take the supplies back, but didn’t have the strength to lift it. Sam mocked Roswell’s weakness and pulled a gun on him. In retaliation, Roswell harangued Sam for his cowardice and lack of commitment, until Sam broke down and turned the gun on himself. Roswell wrestled Sam to the ground, pinning him down until Sam passed out. Roswell put a case of TNT on Sam’s back and lit the fuse.

Madeline was recuperating at home, feeling slightly better since eating the moldy oranges. Trapper Jean entered, and Madeline bitterly complained that she had lived a decent, clean life until her liaison with Jean, whereas Jean had lived a dissolute life…and now she was dying, while Jean seemed as hale and hearty as ever. The madness came on her again, and she voiced her complaints in a musical number. (“There’s no one to blame but God and you, and God’s not here!”) Jean explained that he appeared so healthy because he knew two methods to stop the symptoms of syphilis. Madeline would need to find either the silver blood of a unicorn (unfortunately, they only live in France), or the placenta from a newborn child.

Red Clay consulted the Chipapoo spirits for advice on his warpath. Hop Hop passed by, and they commiserated over their betrayals by the white man. Red Clay told Hop Hop that he would burn Little One Point to the ground (since, according to the treaty, the town was his property anyway).

Brigham went to the saloon and told Will about his problems (“I got a woman pregnant, and my husband’s not happy about it”). Brigham feared that the jealous Red Clay would kill him and the whole town. Will reluctantly agreed to form yet another temporary alliance with Brigham. Will warned Brigham that this time, they would have to take out Red Clay permanently, or he would just come back stronger and angrier.

Fantastic Sam woke up and discovered the burning TNT on his back. He tried to kick it away, but was caught in the blast and apparently lost several limbs.

Madeline went to Castle Gayskull to ask Roswell Diabolicus for help with her illness.

ROSWELL: “You look like someone punched you in the face with a fistful of keys!”
MADELINE: “Worse than that…someone punched me in the crotch with a fistful of syphilis.”

Madeline was about to ask Roswell for a favor, when Roswell suddenly went into labor.

Trapper Jean was settling into his new home in the mayor’s office when Hop Hop arrived at the door. Discovering that the locks had changed, Hop Hop tricked his way in with a cunning ruse.

HOP HOP: “It’s the prumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!”
JEAN: “I did not know we had indoor plumbing!”

Once he was in the office, Hop Hop put on an impressive display of martial-arts prowess, skillfully and menacingly wielding his staff. In response, Trapper Jean simply shot Hop Hop.

Red Clay was setting fire to the town when Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin confronted him. Brigham tried to make amends with Red Clay, but Red Clay was too angry to accept his apology. His people had been betrayed by the white man too often for Red Clay to forgive. Red Clay drew his bow, and Brigham and Will drew their gun and whip (respectively) in response. Red Clay’s arrow missed, but Brigham’s bullet didn’t. Mortally wounded, Red Clay apologized for carrying his passion too far. Hearing the Chipapoo spirits calling him, Red Clay knew that he was dying. Brigham and Red Clay declared their love for each other one last time. Red Clay wanted to give Brigham the treaty that would grant him ownership of Little One Point, but died before he could reveal where it was hidden. Moved by the tender scene, Will (pausing only long enough to put out the fire) handed Red Clay’s arrow to Brigham. (“He meant for you to have this.”)

TO BE CONTINUED…