Episode 12: What the Hell Just Happened?
Producer Vivan LaDouche met with hostess/director Bixie Biederback in her office (with Dorothy also in attendance), explaining his newest ratings-boosting scheme. He’s going to institute a vote to get people thrown off the show…and everyone, even Bixie, is at risk. Dorothy responded by holding up an unflattering drawing of Vivian she’d done while he was talking.
In the confession booth, we saw Eric von Landingham, strangely recovered from his brain damage. He revealed the reason for this discrepancy: His name is not actually Eric von Landingham…but Brian Biederback, an aspiring actor. His mother Bixie got him a spot on the show, and all of his ever-changing personas (nerdy photo clerk, angry rocker, Vaderesque evil overlord, brain-damage casualty) were simply acting choices. Cameraman Lance Belligui was outraged by Brian’s fakery, protesting that this was supposed to be a reality show. Brian, believing that the rest of the show was just as phony as he was, complimented Lance on his angry “performance.”
Miller, having changed from the Hulk back to his old self, was relaxing in the garden when he encountered a strange, shaggy figure covered in leaves and branches. After a moment, Miller finally recognized the wild man as…Rory Manchester! Miller offered the caveman Rory a joint, and the pot miraculously brought Rory back to lucidity. Rory explained that he had made a long, difficult journey back from the Dagoba System (which turned out to be near Tucker, Georgia).
Mortally injured after being raped by the Miller-Hulk, Jack Hanna made a last-ditch effort to summon his animal friends. The animals gathered around him and transferred their power to Jack, reviving him like Halle Berry in Catwoman. (“Come on, who saw Catwoman?”)
Lance burst into Bixie’s office to confront her about planting her son on the show. Brian, surprised to learn that Lance really wasn’t an actor, was nevertheless impressed by his anger and energy. Brian and Bixie told Lance that he had the potential to be a young Marlon Brando, and offered to help him with an acting exercise. They called in Dorothy to improvise a love scene; as the scene progressed, Dorothy and Lance stopped acting and genuinely declared their love for one another. They threw Bixie and Brian out so they could have a private moment, then Lance confessed that he killed his wife so that they could be together. Dorothy replied that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her.
Vivian went to Miller’s room to discuss the ratings, comparing the ratings cycle to crack addiction: It always takes more and more to get that high again, and soon you’re giving blowjobs to get your next fix. Miller realized that Vivian was baring his soul by confessing what his ratings obsession had driven him to. Vivian, touched by Miller’s insight, took him as a confidante. Vivian confessed that his new ratings scheme isn’t just to vote someone off the show…it’s to vote them off, take them out back and shoot them.
Rory was wandering through the woods when he ran into Jack Hanna, who couldn’t figure out why he was still alive. As they conversed, they discovered common ground in their knowledge of obscure animal facts, and they sang a song of zoological trivia. Rory then explained to Jack that he used to want nothing more than to win the show and get his hands on the nuclear oil underneath Iceland…but now, he was a changed man.
In Bixie’s office, Dorothy was drawing a sketch of Brian while Vivian informed Bixie about his plan to shoot the loser of this week’s vote. Hearing this plan, Dorothy protested that he couldn’t do that. Vivian replied that, being from the network, he could do anything he wanted, then demonstrated by overturning Dorothy’s shopping cart. An epic slow-motion brawl ensued, ending with Dorothy poking Vivian in the eye with an umbrella.
Rory was in his old bedroom, wistfully looking over his old implements of evil. (“Torture Bed…Suffocating Pillow…Anal-Rape Stool…Lamp.”) The Torture Bed called out to him, trying to tempt him back to the dark-meat side. Rory struggled to resist the temptation of nuclear oil. The Lamp declared “Rory, I am your father.”
Dorothy and Lance were trying to figure out a way to escape the show. Lance confided that he had the grand prize, the deed to Iceland. Dorothy revealed that Vivian had given her a deed too. Just as Dorothy began fuming at Vivian’s latest duplicity, a shot rang out, and Dorothy collapsed.
Vivan brought Miller to the Chamber of Votitude to fill out his ballot to vote out a housemate. As Miller contemplated his choice, dramatic music filled the air (because Eric/Brian was singing “Carmina Burana” from off-stage). Miller finally cast his vote for “Eric Shut-the-Fuck-Up von Landingham.”
Up on the roof, Bixie and Brian Biederback were talking about their work on the show and their relationship. Brian began a monologue reminiscing about his childhood, but was drowned out by singing from off-stage.
In the Chamber of Votitude, Jack Hanna filled out his ballot while reciting one animal fact after another. (Curiously, all of his facts were penis-related.) He finally held up his ballot, revealing his vote for Lance. Suddenly, a shot rang out and Jack collapsed.
In the game room, Rory confided to Lance that he was at a crossroads; he could use the nuclear oil to become the most powerful person in the world, or he could take out Vivian LaDouche. Since Lance was the most honest, innocent person Rory knew (apart from Dorothy), he needed his help to make the right choice. He asked Lance to sneak into the Chamber of Votitude and put Rory’s name on all the ballots.
The badly-wounded Jack Hanna crawled over to Miller, followed shortly by the equally wounded Dorothy. Promising that they would both make it through this, Miller revealed the never-before-mentioned fact that he’d been through medical school. He performed impromptu surgery on both of them, then gave them some medicinal marijuana. With Hanna and Dorothy fully recovered, they decided to go into action as a trio, like super-heroes.
Vivian summoned everyone to the Chamber of Votitude, where he announced that Rory had been voted off unanimously. Rory insisted that, rather than take him out back, Vivian should finish him right there in front of everybody. Vivian and Rory faced off for an epic struggle, completely unfazed by anybody else’s attempts to intervene in the fight. Finally, Vivian snapped Rory’s neck. Rory managed to get one last shot in by biting Vivian’s crotch as he fell.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label rory. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rory. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Season 12, Episode 7: And Now Let's Get Things Started
Episode 7: And Now Let’s Get Things Started
Bixie Biederback paid a visit to Henson James, creator of the Yuppet Show, to ask for his help in revitalizing her show. Henson suggested that this week’s challenge should be a variety-show act; the best act would get a contract with the Yuppet Show. However, Henson’s puppet Stevie Weasel still held a grudge against Bixie, remembering the night that she stuck him with her bar tab and he had to do unspeakable things to pay it off.
While converting the hot-tub into a puppetry playboard, Poncey Highland and Miller were planning their variety acts. Poncey was thinking of an old-fashioned song and dance act, while Miller was going to turn himself inside out. Miller reminisced that he spent all his time in college getting stoned and watching the Yuppet Show…and now, he wanted revenge on Stevie Weasel for what he’d done to his life.
Rory Manchester was putting the finishing touches on Eric von Landingham’s new cyborg parts, following Eric’s stabbing and disfigurement by Bixie. Wearing a black mask, Eric now called himself Darth von Landingham.
Dorothy and Lance Belligui were practicing the boxstep for the variety show, though Dorothy just couldn’t get the hang of it. Lance told her that it would take a lot of hard work to win the competition, and she replied that she knew all about hard work, having held hundreds of jobs in her lifetime. Lance couldn’t believe her, since he thought that all homeless people were lazy. Offended by the stereotype, she broke up the act and declared that she would go on her own by making a helicopter disappear.
Henson James was talking to Poncey about his work on “The Empire Strikes Back.” When Poncey couldn’t figure out which part Henson worked on, Stevie Weasel realized that Poncey had never seen any of the Star Wars movies…which can only mean that he’s gay. As Stevie taunted Poncey, Darth von Landingham entered, paused, and left.
On the roof, Miller was trying to turn himself inside out.
With his act broken up, Lance Belligui went to Bixie’s office to figure out a new act. She told him that the variety-show challenge had gotten her interested in performing again, and all she needed was a partner to encourage her. They agreed to team up.
In the backyard, Dorothy looked up at the sky and shouted “Get out of here, helicopter!” And it did. Darth von Landingham entered. Having seen Dorothy’s powers in action, he asked if she’d help him make something even bigger disappear—namely, Air Force One. Freaked out by Darth’s new appearance, Dorothy refused. Darth began calling her names to anger her, hoping to turn her to the Dark Side.
Miller confronted Stevie Weasel (“You destroyed my career in humanities!”). Stevie responded by slapping Miller, then taking a hit off his bong. Miller immediately forgot his vengeance and bonded with Stevie as fellow stoners. Miller finally noticed the puppeteer attached to Stevie, and Henson introduced himself. They talked about the Yuppet Show, until Miller upset Stevie by bringing up his arch-enemy Glorf, the piano-playing goat. Stevie informed Miller that the producers wouldn’t let him in the talent show, and were going to send him to rehab instead.
Later, Rory, Henson and Stevie were playing a game of air hockey. Stevie suddenly recognized Rory as the guy from the bar, who had made him do those unspeakable things to pay Bixie’s tab. Rory confirmed that it was him, and that he knew Stevie’s secret…that Stevie is a real weasel, and that Henson James is simply a giant puppeteer-shaped growth. As part of his Illuminati initiation, Rory had filled himself with mutated sperm and had his way with Stevie in order to create Henson. Stevie cried that he only wanted to be normal again. Rory offered to send him to Germany to see Dr. Mindbender.
Dorothy was telling Poncey about Eric/Darth’s transformation. She feared that Darth was going to kill her. (“Somebody dies on this show every week, and he’s got a plastic head!”) She began rummaging through her shopping cart for something she could use against him.
Speaking to the camera, Darth von Landingham (accompanied by his miniature stormtrooper Clone Troyer) issued an ultimatum to the world. Either he wins the contest, or he would unleash the power of the Death Mart…the full destructive power of all of Wal-Mart’s augers and Jiffy-Pop going off at once.
Miller confronted Bixie about the plan to throw him off of the show. She explained that it wasn’t her decision, it was the producers’. (“Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick?” “Yes.”) When she told him “Don’t shoot the messenger,” he turned his bong into a gun and pointed it at her. He demanded that she kick somebody else off the show. Bixie suggested getting rid of Dorothy, but Miller insisted that it be Rory.
In the great room, Poncey Highland demonstrated his talent by giving Stevie Weasel a makeover.
For his act, Rory Manchester rocked out a rendition of “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Stevie Weasel joined in, and afterwards Rory and Stevie discussed what to do about Henson. They realized that Henson wasn’t just a puppeteer-shaped tumor…he was their son.
Darth von Landingham confronted Bixie, demanding worker’s comp for the injuries she inflicted on him.
Dorothy told Stevie Weasel how much she enjoyed having him around. At that point, Rory entered and informed Dorothy that her helicopter-disappearing powers were the result of his experiments. He explained that his reunion with Stevie and Henson had awoken his paternal instincts, and he now wanted to abandon his evil plans. He asked Dorothy to use her powers to send him away with Stevie & Henson, some place where they could live as a family. Dorothy complied.
Lance Belligui and Bixie Biederback practiced their ventriloquist act (with Lance acting as the dummy), “Mr. Chips & Mrs. Tits.”
In the bar, Dorothy was telling everybody how she made Rory, Stevie & Henson disappear, though she didn’t know where she’d sent them. Clone Troyer revealed they’d gone to the Dagoba System.
Meanwhile, on a swampy planet in the Dagoba System, Rory, Stevie & Henson were happily settling into their new home.
As everyone gathered in the great room, Poncey pleaded with Darth to come back to the side of good. Lance and Bixie tried to cheer everybody up with their ventriloquist act, which turned out to be the worst torture Darth could inflict on the others.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Bixie Biederback paid a visit to Henson James, creator of the Yuppet Show, to ask for his help in revitalizing her show. Henson suggested that this week’s challenge should be a variety-show act; the best act would get a contract with the Yuppet Show. However, Henson’s puppet Stevie Weasel still held a grudge against Bixie, remembering the night that she stuck him with her bar tab and he had to do unspeakable things to pay it off.
While converting the hot-tub into a puppetry playboard, Poncey Highland and Miller were planning their variety acts. Poncey was thinking of an old-fashioned song and dance act, while Miller was going to turn himself inside out. Miller reminisced that he spent all his time in college getting stoned and watching the Yuppet Show…and now, he wanted revenge on Stevie Weasel for what he’d done to his life.
Rory Manchester was putting the finishing touches on Eric von Landingham’s new cyborg parts, following Eric’s stabbing and disfigurement by Bixie. Wearing a black mask, Eric now called himself Darth von Landingham.
Dorothy and Lance Belligui were practicing the boxstep for the variety show, though Dorothy just couldn’t get the hang of it. Lance told her that it would take a lot of hard work to win the competition, and she replied that she knew all about hard work, having held hundreds of jobs in her lifetime. Lance couldn’t believe her, since he thought that all homeless people were lazy. Offended by the stereotype, she broke up the act and declared that she would go on her own by making a helicopter disappear.
Henson James was talking to Poncey about his work on “The Empire Strikes Back.” When Poncey couldn’t figure out which part Henson worked on, Stevie Weasel realized that Poncey had never seen any of the Star Wars movies…which can only mean that he’s gay. As Stevie taunted Poncey, Darth von Landingham entered, paused, and left.
On the roof, Miller was trying to turn himself inside out.
With his act broken up, Lance Belligui went to Bixie’s office to figure out a new act. She told him that the variety-show challenge had gotten her interested in performing again, and all she needed was a partner to encourage her. They agreed to team up.
In the backyard, Dorothy looked up at the sky and shouted “Get out of here, helicopter!” And it did. Darth von Landingham entered. Having seen Dorothy’s powers in action, he asked if she’d help him make something even bigger disappear—namely, Air Force One. Freaked out by Darth’s new appearance, Dorothy refused. Darth began calling her names to anger her, hoping to turn her to the Dark Side.
Miller confronted Stevie Weasel (“You destroyed my career in humanities!”). Stevie responded by slapping Miller, then taking a hit off his bong. Miller immediately forgot his vengeance and bonded with Stevie as fellow stoners. Miller finally noticed the puppeteer attached to Stevie, and Henson introduced himself. They talked about the Yuppet Show, until Miller upset Stevie by bringing up his arch-enemy Glorf, the piano-playing goat. Stevie informed Miller that the producers wouldn’t let him in the talent show, and were going to send him to rehab instead.
Later, Rory, Henson and Stevie were playing a game of air hockey. Stevie suddenly recognized Rory as the guy from the bar, who had made him do those unspeakable things to pay Bixie’s tab. Rory confirmed that it was him, and that he knew Stevie’s secret…that Stevie is a real weasel, and that Henson James is simply a giant puppeteer-shaped growth. As part of his Illuminati initiation, Rory had filled himself with mutated sperm and had his way with Stevie in order to create Henson. Stevie cried that he only wanted to be normal again. Rory offered to send him to Germany to see Dr. Mindbender.
Dorothy was telling Poncey about Eric/Darth’s transformation. She feared that Darth was going to kill her. (“Somebody dies on this show every week, and he’s got a plastic head!”) She began rummaging through her shopping cart for something she could use against him.
Speaking to the camera, Darth von Landingham (accompanied by his miniature stormtrooper Clone Troyer) issued an ultimatum to the world. Either he wins the contest, or he would unleash the power of the Death Mart…the full destructive power of all of Wal-Mart’s augers and Jiffy-Pop going off at once.
Miller confronted Bixie about the plan to throw him off of the show. She explained that it wasn’t her decision, it was the producers’. (“Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick?” “Yes.”) When she told him “Don’t shoot the messenger,” he turned his bong into a gun and pointed it at her. He demanded that she kick somebody else off the show. Bixie suggested getting rid of Dorothy, but Miller insisted that it be Rory.
In the great room, Poncey Highland demonstrated his talent by giving Stevie Weasel a makeover.
For his act, Rory Manchester rocked out a rendition of “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Stevie Weasel joined in, and afterwards Rory and Stevie discussed what to do about Henson. They realized that Henson wasn’t just a puppeteer-shaped tumor…he was their son.
Darth von Landingham confronted Bixie, demanding worker’s comp for the injuries she inflicted on him.
Dorothy told Stevie Weasel how much she enjoyed having him around. At that point, Rory entered and informed Dorothy that her helicopter-disappearing powers were the result of his experiments. He explained that his reunion with Stevie and Henson had awoken his paternal instincts, and he now wanted to abandon his evil plans. He asked Dorothy to use her powers to send him away with Stevie & Henson, some place where they could live as a family. Dorothy complied.
Lance Belligui and Bixie Biederback practiced their ventriloquist act (with Lance acting as the dummy), “Mr. Chips & Mrs. Tits.”
In the bar, Dorothy was telling everybody how she made Rory, Stevie & Henson disappear, though she didn’t know where she’d sent them. Clone Troyer revealed they’d gone to the Dagoba System.
Meanwhile, on a swampy planet in the Dagoba System, Rory, Stevie & Henson were happily settling into their new home.
As everyone gathered in the great room, Poncey pleaded with Darth to come back to the side of good. Lance and Bixie tried to cheer everybody up with their ventriloquist act, which turned out to be the worst torture Darth could inflict on the others.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Season 12, Episode 6: Wango Ze Tango
Episode 6: Wango Ze Tango
Bixie Biederback was in her office when Ted Nugent came in through the window, answering her call to guest-star on her show. The Nuge would be leading the housemates into the woods for an outdoor challenge this week. Since his own reality show was on hiatus, he was happy to help out. They reminisced about skipping class together in high school, which started Bixie down the road of drug abuse.
In the secret Illuminati headquarters, Rory Manchester had just initiated Eric von Landingham as his protégé. Rory warned Eric that they would soon face one of the 17 heroes fighting the Illuminati…namely, Ted Nugent.
In preparation for the outing, Dorothy was teaching Poncey Highland how to survive in the woods with only a bucket and broom. Poncey had a flashback to his days as a cub scout, trying for a “bucket badge” before discovering that there was no such thing. The memory of the humiliation snapped him back to the present and caused him to sing about his determination to be the best Poncey he could be (and get a sugar-daddy to take care of him).
Lance Belligui and Miller were carpooling to the woods. When Lance asked if Miller had any experience with the wilderness, Miller complained that it was just a stereotype that pot smokers are nature-loving hippies. In face, Miller hates the outdoors. Lance replied that he didn’t want to take part in this trip either, but had to do what the network says. Miller suggested that he use the trip to get lost and escape the network’s grasp.
As Ted Nugent showed Dorothy how to make a bear trap, they bonded over having something in common: Neither of them had bathed in 14 years. The Nuge explained that the shampoo industry was a big conspiracy to sell something people don’t actually need.
In the woods, Rory showed Poncey his automatic tent, demonstrating that it comes with a ready-made rave, complete with a hot tub, four young men, and an automatic Jesus. Rory explained that they would need to work together when Ted Nugent issues the challenge, and he was giving this to Poncey in exchange for his allegiance.
Eric drove Bixie out to the woods. As she got out to stretch and smell the fresh air, Eric suddenly drove off and abandoned her.
Lance and Miller’s Fiat had broken down in the woods. As the “Dueling Banjos” music filled the air, Miller began panicking that the “Deliverance” treatment was in store for them. Lance prayed that his Burt Reynolds mustache would protect him.
Meanwhile, all the non-stranded housemates were gathered by the campfire, waiting for Ted Nugent to issue the challenge. He announced that the prize would be a night at Nugent Inn, a Cadillac, and 18 million Nugent Bucks (redeemable at Texaco). Just then, Miller and Lance were dropped off by a helpful hillbilly in a pickup truck. Now that all the contestants were gathered, the Nuge divided them into two teams. The teams were to climb Mt. Nugent, avoid Kalamazoo the bear, retrieve the flag, then return and give Nugent a high-five. To make it even more exciting, the Nuge will be hunting the teams with a bow and arrow all the while.
Alone in the woods, the delirious Bixie was talking to her newfound weasel friend Julie Andrews. Bixie heard Julie’s voice offering herself as food so that Bixie could survive. As Bixie snapped the weasel’s neck, she heard the same voice saying “I didn’t mean it!”
As they made their way up the mountain, Dorothy told Poncey that she could scale the mountain with her retractable claws. (“I knew it! The homeless are evolving into superhumans!”) Just then, Ted Nugent ambushed them and fired an arrow.
Meanwhile, Bixie heard the voice of Frank Sinatra urging her to get the gold nugget from Ted Nugent’s sack. Inspired by her father figure, Bixie enthusiastically agreed, but then collapsed and began shivering.
Miller was gathering berries and putting them in a bong when his foot got caught in a bear trap. The Nuge ran in and threatened to filet Miller. (“Wait, you’ll fellate me?”) In the nick of time, Rory arrived and freed Miller from the trap. Nugent recognized Rory as his former road manager, and they faced off. Nugent used his nature skills to summon Kalamazoo the bear, but the bear proved to be pretty darn useless as Rory immediately snapped her neck.
Dorothy and Lance had found a babbling brook to get fresh water. With the stress of the situation taking its toll on their already-strained relationship, they began bickering. Lance pointed out that the brook wouldn’t do her any good, since he was the one who had something to carry the water. The babbling brook told Dorothy to use her hat. She dipped her hat into the brook, and when she pulled it out, it magically held 18 gallons, plus 40 loaves and fishes.
The feral Bixie was wandering in the woods when Eric found her. He noticed that she had fashioned a shank from a weasel bone. Bixie pointed out a squirrel behind Eric, and he asked if she was going to stab him once he turned around. She assured him she wouldn’t, then stabbed him anyway. Frank Sinatra’s voice told her to cut off Eric’s ear and wear it as a trophy.
Poncey stumbled across the unconscious Ted Nugent, who woke up as soon as his name was spoken. The Nuge warned Poncey that Rory was part of the Illuminati, and was two steps away from being the eye on the pyramid. To defeat him, they had to make a sacrifice by dropping a virgin bear into the volcano on Mt. Nugent.
Rory and Miller were riding Rory’s robotic camel through the woods, wondering whether to go back and save Eric or go forward and win the challenge. Without any hesitation, they decided to win. Eric staggered towards them with his ear bandaged, and Miller kicked him away. Rory told Miller that the journey to Mt. Nugent would be like living through “Lord of the Rings” (“I’ll be your Frodo if you’ll be my Sam.”). Miller picked Rory up and began carrying him.
Dragging Kalamazoo the bear up to the mountain, Ted Nugent warned the teammates that Rory had used the show to hypnotize the viewers, who would be set off when Rory utters the trigger-word “Applesauce.” Despite the distracting arrivals of Bixie and Eric, they managed to drop the bear into the volcano with only seconds to spare. As they celebrated their victory, Poncey accidentally fell off the mountain ledge.
Rory and Miller were trying to get their robot camel out of the mud when Poncey came tumbling down the mountain. When Poncey boasted that they’d defeated Rory, Rory exclaimed that the sacrifice was actually a ritual to open the gates of Hell. Ted Nugent had lied to them all. The Nuge came down to gloat about his victory, and a fight broke out. By the end of the struggle, Miller had ripped off Ted Nugent’s hair, signifying that Miller, as the holder of the Golden Fleece, was the Chosen One.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Bixie Biederback was in her office when Ted Nugent came in through the window, answering her call to guest-star on her show. The Nuge would be leading the housemates into the woods for an outdoor challenge this week. Since his own reality show was on hiatus, he was happy to help out. They reminisced about skipping class together in high school, which started Bixie down the road of drug abuse.
In the secret Illuminati headquarters, Rory Manchester had just initiated Eric von Landingham as his protégé. Rory warned Eric that they would soon face one of the 17 heroes fighting the Illuminati…namely, Ted Nugent.
In preparation for the outing, Dorothy was teaching Poncey Highland how to survive in the woods with only a bucket and broom. Poncey had a flashback to his days as a cub scout, trying for a “bucket badge” before discovering that there was no such thing. The memory of the humiliation snapped him back to the present and caused him to sing about his determination to be the best Poncey he could be (and get a sugar-daddy to take care of him).
Lance Belligui and Miller were carpooling to the woods. When Lance asked if Miller had any experience with the wilderness, Miller complained that it was just a stereotype that pot smokers are nature-loving hippies. In face, Miller hates the outdoors. Lance replied that he didn’t want to take part in this trip either, but had to do what the network says. Miller suggested that he use the trip to get lost and escape the network’s grasp.
As Ted Nugent showed Dorothy how to make a bear trap, they bonded over having something in common: Neither of them had bathed in 14 years. The Nuge explained that the shampoo industry was a big conspiracy to sell something people don’t actually need.
In the woods, Rory showed Poncey his automatic tent, demonstrating that it comes with a ready-made rave, complete with a hot tub, four young men, and an automatic Jesus. Rory explained that they would need to work together when Ted Nugent issues the challenge, and he was giving this to Poncey in exchange for his allegiance.
Eric drove Bixie out to the woods. As she got out to stretch and smell the fresh air, Eric suddenly drove off and abandoned her.
Lance and Miller’s Fiat had broken down in the woods. As the “Dueling Banjos” music filled the air, Miller began panicking that the “Deliverance” treatment was in store for them. Lance prayed that his Burt Reynolds mustache would protect him.
Meanwhile, all the non-stranded housemates were gathered by the campfire, waiting for Ted Nugent to issue the challenge. He announced that the prize would be a night at Nugent Inn, a Cadillac, and 18 million Nugent Bucks (redeemable at Texaco). Just then, Miller and Lance were dropped off by a helpful hillbilly in a pickup truck. Now that all the contestants were gathered, the Nuge divided them into two teams. The teams were to climb Mt. Nugent, avoid Kalamazoo the bear, retrieve the flag, then return and give Nugent a high-five. To make it even more exciting, the Nuge will be hunting the teams with a bow and arrow all the while.
Alone in the woods, the delirious Bixie was talking to her newfound weasel friend Julie Andrews. Bixie heard Julie’s voice offering herself as food so that Bixie could survive. As Bixie snapped the weasel’s neck, she heard the same voice saying “I didn’t mean it!”
As they made their way up the mountain, Dorothy told Poncey that she could scale the mountain with her retractable claws. (“I knew it! The homeless are evolving into superhumans!”) Just then, Ted Nugent ambushed them and fired an arrow.
Meanwhile, Bixie heard the voice of Frank Sinatra urging her to get the gold nugget from Ted Nugent’s sack. Inspired by her father figure, Bixie enthusiastically agreed, but then collapsed and began shivering.
Miller was gathering berries and putting them in a bong when his foot got caught in a bear trap. The Nuge ran in and threatened to filet Miller. (“Wait, you’ll fellate me?”) In the nick of time, Rory arrived and freed Miller from the trap. Nugent recognized Rory as his former road manager, and they faced off. Nugent used his nature skills to summon Kalamazoo the bear, but the bear proved to be pretty darn useless as Rory immediately snapped her neck.
Dorothy and Lance had found a babbling brook to get fresh water. With the stress of the situation taking its toll on their already-strained relationship, they began bickering. Lance pointed out that the brook wouldn’t do her any good, since he was the one who had something to carry the water. The babbling brook told Dorothy to use her hat. She dipped her hat into the brook, and when she pulled it out, it magically held 18 gallons, plus 40 loaves and fishes.
The feral Bixie was wandering in the woods when Eric found her. He noticed that she had fashioned a shank from a weasel bone. Bixie pointed out a squirrel behind Eric, and he asked if she was going to stab him once he turned around. She assured him she wouldn’t, then stabbed him anyway. Frank Sinatra’s voice told her to cut off Eric’s ear and wear it as a trophy.
Poncey stumbled across the unconscious Ted Nugent, who woke up as soon as his name was spoken. The Nuge warned Poncey that Rory was part of the Illuminati, and was two steps away from being the eye on the pyramid. To defeat him, they had to make a sacrifice by dropping a virgin bear into the volcano on Mt. Nugent.
Rory and Miller were riding Rory’s robotic camel through the woods, wondering whether to go back and save Eric or go forward and win the challenge. Without any hesitation, they decided to win. Eric staggered towards them with his ear bandaged, and Miller kicked him away. Rory told Miller that the journey to Mt. Nugent would be like living through “Lord of the Rings” (“I’ll be your Frodo if you’ll be my Sam.”). Miller picked Rory up and began carrying him.
Dragging Kalamazoo the bear up to the mountain, Ted Nugent warned the teammates that Rory had used the show to hypnotize the viewers, who would be set off when Rory utters the trigger-word “Applesauce.” Despite the distracting arrivals of Bixie and Eric, they managed to drop the bear into the volcano with only seconds to spare. As they celebrated their victory, Poncey accidentally fell off the mountain ledge.
Rory and Miller were trying to get their robot camel out of the mud when Poncey came tumbling down the mountain. When Poncey boasted that they’d defeated Rory, Rory exclaimed that the sacrifice was actually a ritual to open the gates of Hell. Ted Nugent had lied to them all. The Nuge came down to gloat about his victory, and a fight broke out. By the end of the struggle, Miller had ripped off Ted Nugent’s hair, signifying that Miller, as the holder of the Golden Fleece, was the Chosen One.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Season 12, Episode 5: Power, Failure
Episode 5: Power, Failure
Back from her “hiatus” (read: bender), hostess Bixie Biederback gathered everyone together to inform them that the producers had threatened to shut down the show. The housemates blamed Bixie for losing control of the show, and announced they were going on strike unless they got a new host. Just then, the producers shut off the power.
In the kitchen, Dorothy showed Miller how to heat up canned goods without power, by putting them in your pants. They found a package of Chicken in a Biscuit, but were disappointed to read the label and discover that it’s only chicken-flavored. They decided to catch a real chicken and put it in a biscuit.
Eric von Landingham and Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker got into a heated debate about their reliance on electric power and the waste of resources.
In Bixie’s office, Rory Manchester placed a call to divert power from his secret generator. After the lights came on, Rory lectured her that he had faith in her as a producer…and nobody proves Rory wrong. He told her to get off the booze, or he would literally kick her off the show.
On the roof, Lance Belligui was setting up a solar panel to operate his camera when Hank came up. Hank pressured Lance to get him into Bixie’s office and fix the scores so that Hank will be in the lead. In return, Lance asked Hank to help him get immigration and/or the IRS off his case.
Eric went to Hello Pizza Kitty and ordered a medium with Epsom salt. He then pulled Miller aside conspiratorially and suggested that, even if the show’s cancelled, that Miller could still get the prize by going through Bixie.
Behind the house, Dorothy was watching the sunrise when Lance arrived and began flirting with her. When Dorothy complained that everyone on the show is crazy, Lance pointed out that she’s the one who lives in a garbage can. She invited Lance to climb in and try it out before he knocks her lifestyle. As they got in the can together, get-it-on music played in the background.
Rory was making some calls in Bixie’s office when Hank sneaked in. Gloating that he’d gotten past Rory, Hank suggested that Rory was losing his touch. Hank’s mockery caused Rory to hear flashback voices of his childhood humiliations, until Rory finally snapped and grabbed Hank by the throat.
Not having found a real chicken, Dorothy and Miller were practicing their food-catching technique with Miller pretending to be the chicken as Dorothy chased him. Miller commented that he probably wouldn’t be doing this if he weren’t stoned. Dorothy revealed that she used to do drugs herself, but gave them up when she decided to become homeless. Miller asked her more about her life, and she confessed that she had a couple of children, but didn’t want to talk about them. She was more open about a more recent event, admitting that she’d had sex with Lance. She worried that he might have filmed their encounter.
Eric was relaxing in the hot tub (which was only lukewarm due to the power loss) when Lance arrived. Lance confessed to having sex with Dorothy and filming it. Eric asked if Lance had ever enjoyed anything for itself in the moment, without worrying about capturing it on film. Lance admitted that he used to enjoy himself spontaneously with his wife back in Viennice.
After a game of foosball in the rec room, Bixie thanked Hank for helping her find an activity to replace drinking. Offering some advice, Hank told her that she’d spent too much time trying to please others, but never found the real Bixie inside herself.
Rory placed a phone call to one of his secret cohorts…Dr. Claw. He informed Claw that he’d been trying to get the deed to Iceland, but needed access to “771.” Claw replied that Rory had always had full access.
In the garden, Hank complimented Dorothy on her horticultural aesthetics, then asked if he could call her Dottie. She reminisced that her father used to call her that. He was a railroad engineer, and she always wanted to follow in his footsteps…until she found out that the engineer doesn’t just blow the whistle but has to actually drive the train, a lesson she learned when she accidentally killed hundreds of people. Hank reassured her that it wasn’t her fault.
Eric stumbled into Rory’s secret room, and Rory congratulated him on his resourcefulness. Eric realized that Rory was part of the Illuminati or some similar world-controlling conspiracy. Rory admitted it, explaining that his associates included such legends as Dr. Claw, Cobra Commander, and the Supreme Hydra; they made cartoons about themselves in the 1980s so that people would think they didn’t actually exist.
In the bar, Bixie had just mixed an alcohol-free mimosa when Miller came in and made a painfully obvious and inept attempt to seduce her. When she informed him that she was now sober, Miller realized that his usual pick-up techniques wouldn’t work. She confessed that she’d managed to keep the show alive by offering herself sexually to the producers. Miller suggested that she could boost the ratings by making the same offer to the contestants.
In the basement, Lance was plotting to double-cross Hank. Suddenly, Hank and Dorothy burst in, and Hank confronted Lance about his treatment of Dorothy. Realizing that Hank had also slept with Dorothy, Lance dropped his camera in shock.
Bixie gathered everyone together to announce that the power had been restored and the show was back on track. She asked everybody to help get the show to #1. Suddenly, Hank had a heart attack and collapsed. As Rory and Eric performed CPR, Bixie pleaded to Hank to stay alive for the show’s sake.
Dorothy and Lance accompanied Hank in the ambulance. Lance blamed himself for Hank’s collapse (“We killed him with our love!”). Taking him literally, Dorothy said that she couldn’t be with Lance now that he was a murderer. Lance retorted that this meant she would lose two lovers in one day.
Hank’s life flashed before his eyes in a flashback montage.
Back at the house, Rory placed a call to Destro. He informed his associate that he had placed formula 771 in Hank’s water to simulate a heart attack, then used CPR as a pretext to place the microchip in Hank’s mouth. The next step was to send Zartan to infiltrate Hank’s hospital room at Grady, and their plan would proceed right on schedule.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Back from her “hiatus” (read: bender), hostess Bixie Biederback gathered everyone together to inform them that the producers had threatened to shut down the show. The housemates blamed Bixie for losing control of the show, and announced they were going on strike unless they got a new host. Just then, the producers shut off the power.
In the kitchen, Dorothy showed Miller how to heat up canned goods without power, by putting them in your pants. They found a package of Chicken in a Biscuit, but were disappointed to read the label and discover that it’s only chicken-flavored. They decided to catch a real chicken and put it in a biscuit.
Eric von Landingham and Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker got into a heated debate about their reliance on electric power and the waste of resources.
In Bixie’s office, Rory Manchester placed a call to divert power from his secret generator. After the lights came on, Rory lectured her that he had faith in her as a producer…and nobody proves Rory wrong. He told her to get off the booze, or he would literally kick her off the show.
On the roof, Lance Belligui was setting up a solar panel to operate his camera when Hank came up. Hank pressured Lance to get him into Bixie’s office and fix the scores so that Hank will be in the lead. In return, Lance asked Hank to help him get immigration and/or the IRS off his case.
Eric went to Hello Pizza Kitty and ordered a medium with Epsom salt. He then pulled Miller aside conspiratorially and suggested that, even if the show’s cancelled, that Miller could still get the prize by going through Bixie.
Behind the house, Dorothy was watching the sunrise when Lance arrived and began flirting with her. When Dorothy complained that everyone on the show is crazy, Lance pointed out that she’s the one who lives in a garbage can. She invited Lance to climb in and try it out before he knocks her lifestyle. As they got in the can together, get-it-on music played in the background.
Rory was making some calls in Bixie’s office when Hank sneaked in. Gloating that he’d gotten past Rory, Hank suggested that Rory was losing his touch. Hank’s mockery caused Rory to hear flashback voices of his childhood humiliations, until Rory finally snapped and grabbed Hank by the throat.
Not having found a real chicken, Dorothy and Miller were practicing their food-catching technique with Miller pretending to be the chicken as Dorothy chased him. Miller commented that he probably wouldn’t be doing this if he weren’t stoned. Dorothy revealed that she used to do drugs herself, but gave them up when she decided to become homeless. Miller asked her more about her life, and she confessed that she had a couple of children, but didn’t want to talk about them. She was more open about a more recent event, admitting that she’d had sex with Lance. She worried that he might have filmed their encounter.
Eric was relaxing in the hot tub (which was only lukewarm due to the power loss) when Lance arrived. Lance confessed to having sex with Dorothy and filming it. Eric asked if Lance had ever enjoyed anything for itself in the moment, without worrying about capturing it on film. Lance admitted that he used to enjoy himself spontaneously with his wife back in Viennice.
After a game of foosball in the rec room, Bixie thanked Hank for helping her find an activity to replace drinking. Offering some advice, Hank told her that she’d spent too much time trying to please others, but never found the real Bixie inside herself.
Rory placed a phone call to one of his secret cohorts…Dr. Claw. He informed Claw that he’d been trying to get the deed to Iceland, but needed access to “771.” Claw replied that Rory had always had full access.
In the garden, Hank complimented Dorothy on her horticultural aesthetics, then asked if he could call her Dottie. She reminisced that her father used to call her that. He was a railroad engineer, and she always wanted to follow in his footsteps…until she found out that the engineer doesn’t just blow the whistle but has to actually drive the train, a lesson she learned when she accidentally killed hundreds of people. Hank reassured her that it wasn’t her fault.
Eric stumbled into Rory’s secret room, and Rory congratulated him on his resourcefulness. Eric realized that Rory was part of the Illuminati or some similar world-controlling conspiracy. Rory admitted it, explaining that his associates included such legends as Dr. Claw, Cobra Commander, and the Supreme Hydra; they made cartoons about themselves in the 1980s so that people would think they didn’t actually exist.
In the bar, Bixie had just mixed an alcohol-free mimosa when Miller came in and made a painfully obvious and inept attempt to seduce her. When she informed him that she was now sober, Miller realized that his usual pick-up techniques wouldn’t work. She confessed that she’d managed to keep the show alive by offering herself sexually to the producers. Miller suggested that she could boost the ratings by making the same offer to the contestants.
In the basement, Lance was plotting to double-cross Hank. Suddenly, Hank and Dorothy burst in, and Hank confronted Lance about his treatment of Dorothy. Realizing that Hank had also slept with Dorothy, Lance dropped his camera in shock.
Bixie gathered everyone together to announce that the power had been restored and the show was back on track. She asked everybody to help get the show to #1. Suddenly, Hank had a heart attack and collapsed. As Rory and Eric performed CPR, Bixie pleaded to Hank to stay alive for the show’s sake.
Dorothy and Lance accompanied Hank in the ambulance. Lance blamed himself for Hank’s collapse (“We killed him with our love!”). Taking him literally, Dorothy said that she couldn’t be with Lance now that he was a murderer. Lance retorted that this meant she would lose two lovers in one day.
Hank’s life flashed before his eyes in a flashback montage.
Back at the house, Rory placed a call to Destro. He informed his associate that he had placed formula 771 in Hank’s water to simulate a heart attack, then used CPR as a pretext to place the microchip in Hank’s mouth. The next step was to send Zartan to infiltrate Hank’s hospital room at Grady, and their plan would proceed right on schedule.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Season 12, Episode 4: Homeland Insecurity
Episode 4: Homeland Insecurity
After the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy, the investigation was being incorporated into the show. Cameraman Lance Belligui introduced the housemates to Homeland Security Agent John Denver (no relation). Denver assured everybody that, before the end of the night, he would find the killer…or at least someone he could claim was the killer.
Denver began by questioning Poncey Highland while Poncey showed him around Chrysanthemum’s room. Poncey was convinced that it was a hate crime, since she’d been killed moments after declaring her love for Dorothy. Poncey suspected Eric von Landingham, since he’d noticed some unstable behavior from Eric ever since their liaison two weeks ago.
At the bar, Dorothy was still reeling from the shock of her new best friend dying in her arms. Eric suggested that she forget her sorrows by coming to see his band “Fucked at Birth” at their upcoming gig.
Miller was getting high up on the roof when Lance came up for some fresh air. Lance noticed the unusual pipe Miller was smoking from, and asked to try it. As Lance smoked, Miller picked up Lance’s camera and asked him what he really thought about everyone at the Scandal house. His inhibitions lost, Lance called them all assholes.
Rory Manchester was relaxing when boy-band star Chip Blingo came by. Chip explained that he had been thrown out of his own neighboring reality show, and needed another chance to prove himself. Rory said that Chip’s vocal talents (and self-generating background music) were just what he needed to cheer up, since a woman he cared for had just died of a spontaneous neck-break. (Rory neglected to mention that he was the one who “spontaneously” broke it.)
Agent Denver was interviewing Dorothy by the garbage cans. She was certain that Rory was the killer, and suggested that they give him a taste of some street justice by cutting off his feet and wrapping him in seaweed. (“He’ll tell you everything…and then bleed to death.”)
While grocery shopping, Poncey confronted Eric about his strange behavior. Eric confessed that he did have a guilty conscience…not over murder, but because he’d never told his mother than he loved her. Poncey comforted him by offering to role-play Eric’s mother. Eric asked Poncey to pull on his nipples to make the impersonation more convincing.
Chip Blingo was moving in when Miller entered. Recognizing Chip (after initially mistaking him for a troll doll), Miller proclaimed that he’d sold more weed at Chip’s last concert than in the rest of the year combined.
Rory was doing the show’s confession-booth segment when he noticed that Lance was trying to film him with a bong instead of a camera. The wasted Lance gloated that he knew Rory had killed Chrysanthemum, and he had the proof on film. Where Rory asked where this proof was, Lance realized that Miller had it now. Rory insinuated that Lance was making unfounded accusations to draw suspicion away from himself. Before long, Lance was convinced of his own guilt.
Chip was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came by. Recognizing Chip, she began singing one of his songs. Chip told Dorothy that his last reality show was filled with ruthless competition, and he was amazed by how friendly everyone was here. Dorothy agreed that it was great, except for people getting murdered.
Miller was filming Poncey in the kitchen, childishly trying to goad Poncey into making a “tossed salad” reference. When Poncey noticed that Miller had Lance’s camera, Miller explained that he’d gotten hold of it while Lance was hitting the bong. (“He thought it was tobacco product, like they make you say when you buy it.”) Now that he had the camera and access to the editing room, Miller suggested that they give the footage some tweaking.
After drummer Eric von Landingham gave his bandmates a pep talk, “Fucked at Birth” began their hard-rockin’ concert.
Even down in the basement, Agent Denver and Lance were stunned by the loudness and rage of the music. Denver confided that he had found three particularly suspicious characters in his investigation. (“Rory may be a killer, Poncey may be gay, and Chip may be ethnic.”) Denver said that he might have to resort to extreme interrogation tactics. Lance offered to get the seaweed.
Rory went to the Hello Pizza Kitty to see Miller about Lance’s film. He convinced Miller that he was in trouble for editing the tapes, and persuaded him to hand over the camera.
Dorothy was hanging out her laundry on the roof when Poncey came by to voice his concerns about the investigation. After hearing Eric’s angry, death-obsessed music, he was more convinced than ever that Eric was the killer. Dorothy deduced that Poncey was just upset because Eric had rejected him after their initial make-out session.
Eric was in the bar when Agent Denver entered, looking for Chip Blingo. Disdainful of authority, Eric refused to cooperate. Denver warned him that he could put away Eric and his entire band. (“Let me explain how Homeland Security works. You’re ALREADY in trouble.”) Eric caved in and directed Denver to Chip’s room.
Two seconds later, Denver broke down the door to Chip’s room. After Denver ordered him to get down on the floor, Chip retorted that no matter how Denver hurts him, it would only make his music stronger. Denver responded by cutting off Chip’s feet.
Rory called everyone (even the footless Chip) together to announce the solution to Chrysanthemum’s murder. Explaining that the key to the mystery was the fact that all the different reality shows are filmed in this same neighborhood, Rory began the slow-motion playback of the (secretly edited) video footage. The footage showed Chip Blingo and Ted Nugent running in, singing a Satanic song while dancing around Chrysanthemum, and snapping her neck to seal the pact…all too fast for the human eye to see. Denver took the mortally-wounded Chip into custody. Now that the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy was solved, Agent Denver set out to solve the rest of the Kennedy murders. Rory saved time by revealing them all: John F. Kennedy was killed by Ving Rhames, Bobby by Yahoo Serious, and Ted Kennedy will be killed by Agent Denver himself. With this revelation, Rory snapped Denver’s neck. Dorothy, shocked by the carnage and craziness, began crying hysterically, longing for her old home behind the dumpster at Wendy’s.
TO BE CONTINUED…
After the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy, the investigation was being incorporated into the show. Cameraman Lance Belligui introduced the housemates to Homeland Security Agent John Denver (no relation). Denver assured everybody that, before the end of the night, he would find the killer…or at least someone he could claim was the killer.
Denver began by questioning Poncey Highland while Poncey showed him around Chrysanthemum’s room. Poncey was convinced that it was a hate crime, since she’d been killed moments after declaring her love for Dorothy. Poncey suspected Eric von Landingham, since he’d noticed some unstable behavior from Eric ever since their liaison two weeks ago.
At the bar, Dorothy was still reeling from the shock of her new best friend dying in her arms. Eric suggested that she forget her sorrows by coming to see his band “Fucked at Birth” at their upcoming gig.
Miller was getting high up on the roof when Lance came up for some fresh air. Lance noticed the unusual pipe Miller was smoking from, and asked to try it. As Lance smoked, Miller picked up Lance’s camera and asked him what he really thought about everyone at the Scandal house. His inhibitions lost, Lance called them all assholes.
Rory Manchester was relaxing when boy-band star Chip Blingo came by. Chip explained that he had been thrown out of his own neighboring reality show, and needed another chance to prove himself. Rory said that Chip’s vocal talents (and self-generating background music) were just what he needed to cheer up, since a woman he cared for had just died of a spontaneous neck-break. (Rory neglected to mention that he was the one who “spontaneously” broke it.)
Agent Denver was interviewing Dorothy by the garbage cans. She was certain that Rory was the killer, and suggested that they give him a taste of some street justice by cutting off his feet and wrapping him in seaweed. (“He’ll tell you everything…and then bleed to death.”)
While grocery shopping, Poncey confronted Eric about his strange behavior. Eric confessed that he did have a guilty conscience…not over murder, but because he’d never told his mother than he loved her. Poncey comforted him by offering to role-play Eric’s mother. Eric asked Poncey to pull on his nipples to make the impersonation more convincing.
Chip Blingo was moving in when Miller entered. Recognizing Chip (after initially mistaking him for a troll doll), Miller proclaimed that he’d sold more weed at Chip’s last concert than in the rest of the year combined.
Rory was doing the show’s confession-booth segment when he noticed that Lance was trying to film him with a bong instead of a camera. The wasted Lance gloated that he knew Rory had killed Chrysanthemum, and he had the proof on film. Where Rory asked where this proof was, Lance realized that Miller had it now. Rory insinuated that Lance was making unfounded accusations to draw suspicion away from himself. Before long, Lance was convinced of his own guilt.
Chip was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came by. Recognizing Chip, she began singing one of his songs. Chip told Dorothy that his last reality show was filled with ruthless competition, and he was amazed by how friendly everyone was here. Dorothy agreed that it was great, except for people getting murdered.
Miller was filming Poncey in the kitchen, childishly trying to goad Poncey into making a “tossed salad” reference. When Poncey noticed that Miller had Lance’s camera, Miller explained that he’d gotten hold of it while Lance was hitting the bong. (“He thought it was tobacco product, like they make you say when you buy it.”) Now that he had the camera and access to the editing room, Miller suggested that they give the footage some tweaking.
After drummer Eric von Landingham gave his bandmates a pep talk, “Fucked at Birth” began their hard-rockin’ concert.
Even down in the basement, Agent Denver and Lance were stunned by the loudness and rage of the music. Denver confided that he had found three particularly suspicious characters in his investigation. (“Rory may be a killer, Poncey may be gay, and Chip may be ethnic.”) Denver said that he might have to resort to extreme interrogation tactics. Lance offered to get the seaweed.
Rory went to the Hello Pizza Kitty to see Miller about Lance’s film. He convinced Miller that he was in trouble for editing the tapes, and persuaded him to hand over the camera.
Dorothy was hanging out her laundry on the roof when Poncey came by to voice his concerns about the investigation. After hearing Eric’s angry, death-obsessed music, he was more convinced than ever that Eric was the killer. Dorothy deduced that Poncey was just upset because Eric had rejected him after their initial make-out session.
Eric was in the bar when Agent Denver entered, looking for Chip Blingo. Disdainful of authority, Eric refused to cooperate. Denver warned him that he could put away Eric and his entire band. (“Let me explain how Homeland Security works. You’re ALREADY in trouble.”) Eric caved in and directed Denver to Chip’s room.
Two seconds later, Denver broke down the door to Chip’s room. After Denver ordered him to get down on the floor, Chip retorted that no matter how Denver hurts him, it would only make his music stronger. Denver responded by cutting off Chip’s feet.
Rory called everyone (even the footless Chip) together to announce the solution to Chrysanthemum’s murder. Explaining that the key to the mystery was the fact that all the different reality shows are filmed in this same neighborhood, Rory began the slow-motion playback of the (secretly edited) video footage. The footage showed Chip Blingo and Ted Nugent running in, singing a Satanic song while dancing around Chrysanthemum, and snapping her neck to seal the pact…all too fast for the human eye to see. Denver took the mortally-wounded Chip into custody. Now that the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy was solved, Agent Denver set out to solve the rest of the Kennedy murders. Rory saved time by revealing them all: John F. Kennedy was killed by Ving Rhames, Bobby by Yahoo Serious, and Ted Kennedy will be killed by Agent Denver himself. With this revelation, Rory snapped Denver’s neck. Dorothy, shocked by the carnage and craziness, began crying hysterically, longing for her old home behind the dumpster at Wendy’s.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, March 16, 2009
Season 12, Episode 3: Broken Hearts and Necks
Episode 3: Broken Hearts and Necks
Bixie Biederback introduced the housemates to the beautiful Chrysanthemum Kennedy, explaining that Chrysanthemum was this week’s challenge. Whoever succeeded in wooing her would get 150 points (plus the privilege of the wooing itself).
Afterwards, Poncey Highland confided to Eric von Landingham that, as a gay man, he was very upset about being forced to woo a woman to get ahead in the game. Eric pointed out that Dorothy would have just as big a problem.
Rory Manchester was showing Chrysanthemum a night on the town and telling her about himself. (“I’m not just rich because I have millions of dollars, I’m rich because I have 13 points of spirituality.”) He asked her to tell him about herself, and she replied that what he saw in front of him was pretty much all there was to her.
Dorothy complained to Bixie about Chrysanthemum’s presence; Dorothy thought she herself was supposed to provide the show’s sex appeal. Bixie replied that she WOULD be the sex symbol if she got a new look. Reluctantly, Dorothy agreed to take a bath and wear make-up, though she drew the line at wearing a dress.
In the backyard, Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was playing golf with Chrysanthemum, turning the game into one long string of sexual innuendo. Chrysanthemum was repulsed by his weird, aggressive behavior.
Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at the Hello Pizza Kitty. Miller explained that he needed this job to pay off his “guy.” Lance didn’t understand, so Miller went into a speech about how everybody needs a guy. Realizing that Lance didn’t have a guy, Miller went out and found a guy named Tyrone. Miller asked Tyrone to hook him up with a bag, and Tyrone charged him three dollars. (“Dude, that’s like 1924 prices!”)
Eric von Landingham was at his workplace at Olan Mills, photographing Chrysanthemum. She complimented him on his blue uniform, and he launched into a monologue about his life in the service industry…a monologue that took a weird turn when he recalled his mother’s job as a stripper at Stretchers.
In the confession booth, Rory told Lance about his date with Chrysanthemum. At first, he only viewed her as the show’s weekly challenge, but now he felt something he’d never felt before (except for himself). In fact, he felt so strongly (and was so determined to win the challenge) that he’d bought a ring.
Poncey went to Bixie’s office to complain about the challenge. He explained that this went completely against his nature, declaring that he hadn’t dated girls since high school. Bixie retorted that, since he DID once go out with girls, he could do so again…and she insisted that he practice with her.
Miller and Chrysanthemum were smoking pot in the underpass on 285. This was the first time she’d ever tried anything like that, and she was enjoying it a lot. They got into a rambling, stoned conversation (“Isn’t life like a reality show without the show?”) that ended with Miller declaring his love for her.
Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came in to take her first bath in years. Dorothy sensed that Bixie had had her way with Poncey. Breaking down, Poncey sobbed that Bixie’s breasts were like that green gardening compound (“you stick your thumb in, it leaves an impression!”).
Rory brought Chrysanthemum up to his room to show her his etchings, while she confessed that she thought she’d been abducted by aliens, since she found herself on the freeway with no memory. She was woken up when a car full of hysterical people (possibly a clown car) ran over her foot. Rory comforted her by massaging her injured foot. As he did so, he slipped the engagement ring onto her toe and playfully asked “Now where did that come from?” Chrysanthemum figured the clowns must have put it on her.
Lance was logging his tapes in the basement when Bixie came in to compliment him on his work. Lance confronted her about her sexual harassment of Poncey, and she declared that she did have strong feelings for Poncey. Lance warned her that if she slept with a contestant again, he would report her to the network.
Hank and Eric were at the bar, drowning their sorrows over their failure to impress Chrysanthemum. Even worse, once he brought it up, Eric found he couldn’t rid his mind of the image of his mother stretching her nipples.
Poncey took Chrysanthemum out for line-dancing at Hoedown’s. After some drinks and bonding over how much they had in common, it finally dawned on Chrysanthemum that Poncey was gay (as if taking her to Hoedown’s wasn’t a big enough clue). He explained that he’d been in a committed relationship with his partner Blaine for 13 years. She respected him for that, and gave him a kiss. At that moment, Rory walked in.
Afterwards, Rory stormed into Bixie’s office, furious over Chrysanthemum’s betrayal. Bixie was also stunned and hurt to hear that Poncey had kissed another woman. Rory swore revenge.
Dorothy was showing Chrysanthemum the art of dumpster-diving, and even found a ring for her. Chrysanthemum told Dorothy about her kiss with Poncey, and Dorothy offered to prepare a tincture to turn a gay man straight. They bonded over their mutual incoherence.
Miller told Lance all about his date with Chrysanthemum, confirming her theory about being hit by a clown car. Afterwards, Miller turned the camera on Lance and pressed him about his feelings for Chrysanthemum; Lance finally admitted that he was in love with her too.
Hank went to Rory’s room to taunt him about Chrysanthemum tossing him aside for a gay man. Rory used a secret control to turn off all the hidden cameras, then asked Hank to join him in a plan to get revenge on Chrysanthemum and frame Poncey.
Bixie gathered all the housemates together for the big announcement of who won this week’s challenge. Chrysanthemum declared that she had chosen the one person who had been totally honest with her…Dorothy. As Chrysanthemum and Dorothy embraced, Rory hit a button on his watch to activate his super-speed. Too fast for even the cameras to see, Rory ran up to Chrysanthemum and snapped her neck. As time returned to normal, Chrysanthemum collapsed into Dorothy’s arms. Before she died, Chrysanthemum managed to gasp out a single clue to her killer’s identity…“Etchings!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Bixie Biederback introduced the housemates to the beautiful Chrysanthemum Kennedy, explaining that Chrysanthemum was this week’s challenge. Whoever succeeded in wooing her would get 150 points (plus the privilege of the wooing itself).
Afterwards, Poncey Highland confided to Eric von Landingham that, as a gay man, he was very upset about being forced to woo a woman to get ahead in the game. Eric pointed out that Dorothy would have just as big a problem.
Rory Manchester was showing Chrysanthemum a night on the town and telling her about himself. (“I’m not just rich because I have millions of dollars, I’m rich because I have 13 points of spirituality.”) He asked her to tell him about herself, and she replied that what he saw in front of him was pretty much all there was to her.
Dorothy complained to Bixie about Chrysanthemum’s presence; Dorothy thought she herself was supposed to provide the show’s sex appeal. Bixie replied that she WOULD be the sex symbol if she got a new look. Reluctantly, Dorothy agreed to take a bath and wear make-up, though she drew the line at wearing a dress.
In the backyard, Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was playing golf with Chrysanthemum, turning the game into one long string of sexual innuendo. Chrysanthemum was repulsed by his weird, aggressive behavior.
Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at the Hello Pizza Kitty. Miller explained that he needed this job to pay off his “guy.” Lance didn’t understand, so Miller went into a speech about how everybody needs a guy. Realizing that Lance didn’t have a guy, Miller went out and found a guy named Tyrone. Miller asked Tyrone to hook him up with a bag, and Tyrone charged him three dollars. (“Dude, that’s like 1924 prices!”)
Eric von Landingham was at his workplace at Olan Mills, photographing Chrysanthemum. She complimented him on his blue uniform, and he launched into a monologue about his life in the service industry…a monologue that took a weird turn when he recalled his mother’s job as a stripper at Stretchers.
In the confession booth, Rory told Lance about his date with Chrysanthemum. At first, he only viewed her as the show’s weekly challenge, but now he felt something he’d never felt before (except for himself). In fact, he felt so strongly (and was so determined to win the challenge) that he’d bought a ring.
Poncey went to Bixie’s office to complain about the challenge. He explained that this went completely against his nature, declaring that he hadn’t dated girls since high school. Bixie retorted that, since he DID once go out with girls, he could do so again…and she insisted that he practice with her.
Miller and Chrysanthemum were smoking pot in the underpass on 285. This was the first time she’d ever tried anything like that, and she was enjoying it a lot. They got into a rambling, stoned conversation (“Isn’t life like a reality show without the show?”) that ended with Miller declaring his love for her.
Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came in to take her first bath in years. Dorothy sensed that Bixie had had her way with Poncey. Breaking down, Poncey sobbed that Bixie’s breasts were like that green gardening compound (“you stick your thumb in, it leaves an impression!”).
Rory brought Chrysanthemum up to his room to show her his etchings, while she confessed that she thought she’d been abducted by aliens, since she found herself on the freeway with no memory. She was woken up when a car full of hysterical people (possibly a clown car) ran over her foot. Rory comforted her by massaging her injured foot. As he did so, he slipped the engagement ring onto her toe and playfully asked “Now where did that come from?” Chrysanthemum figured the clowns must have put it on her.
Lance was logging his tapes in the basement when Bixie came in to compliment him on his work. Lance confronted her about her sexual harassment of Poncey, and she declared that she did have strong feelings for Poncey. Lance warned her that if she slept with a contestant again, he would report her to the network.
Hank and Eric were at the bar, drowning their sorrows over their failure to impress Chrysanthemum. Even worse, once he brought it up, Eric found he couldn’t rid his mind of the image of his mother stretching her nipples.
Poncey took Chrysanthemum out for line-dancing at Hoedown’s. After some drinks and bonding over how much they had in common, it finally dawned on Chrysanthemum that Poncey was gay (as if taking her to Hoedown’s wasn’t a big enough clue). He explained that he’d been in a committed relationship with his partner Blaine for 13 years. She respected him for that, and gave him a kiss. At that moment, Rory walked in.
Afterwards, Rory stormed into Bixie’s office, furious over Chrysanthemum’s betrayal. Bixie was also stunned and hurt to hear that Poncey had kissed another woman. Rory swore revenge.
Dorothy was showing Chrysanthemum the art of dumpster-diving, and even found a ring for her. Chrysanthemum told Dorothy about her kiss with Poncey, and Dorothy offered to prepare a tincture to turn a gay man straight. They bonded over their mutual incoherence.
Miller told Lance all about his date with Chrysanthemum, confirming her theory about being hit by a clown car. Afterwards, Miller turned the camera on Lance and pressed him about his feelings for Chrysanthemum; Lance finally admitted that he was in love with her too.
Hank went to Rory’s room to taunt him about Chrysanthemum tossing him aside for a gay man. Rory used a secret control to turn off all the hidden cameras, then asked Hank to join him in a plan to get revenge on Chrysanthemum and frame Poncey.
Bixie gathered all the housemates together for the big announcement of who won this week’s challenge. Chrysanthemum declared that she had chosen the one person who had been totally honest with her…Dorothy. As Chrysanthemum and Dorothy embraced, Rory hit a button on his watch to activate his super-speed. Too fast for even the cameras to see, Rory ran up to Chrysanthemum and snapped her neck. As time returned to normal, Chrysanthemum collapsed into Dorothy’s arms. Before she died, Chrysanthemum managed to gasp out a single clue to her killer’s identity…“Etchings!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Season 12, Episode 2: Electric Boogaloo
Episode 2: Electric Boogaloo
The housemates (including latecomer Poncey Highland) were gathered in the great room, awaiting the program’s “Challenge of the Day.” Director/host Bixie Biederback announced that the challenge was to keep the house clean; anyone not picking up after themselves would be penalized. Rory Manchester protested how trivial that so-called “challenge” was, proposing a real challenge: the first person to go up on the roof and be struck by lightning earns 100 points. Bixie agreed to Rory’s suggestion.
In the “confession booth,” homeless contestant Dorothy told cameraman Lance Belligui that she couldn’t take part in Rory’s challenge, since her hip kept her from going up on the roof. She explained that she had her own game going on; she’d put together a collection of crickets and set up a little racetrack for them. As they conversed, Dorothy confessed that she thought Lance’s mustache was cute, but she didn’t know what to do because she hadn’t had any relationships in years. Lance suggested that she dress up a bit.
Eric von Landingham met his new roommate, Poncey Highland, the stereotypically gay owner of the Happy Waggin’s Pet Grooming emporium. Poncey looked over the room, explaining that he needed to redecorate to reflect his personality. Eric replied that they had to concentrate on the more pressing matter of being electrocuted. More than anything, Eric wanted to impress Bixie so he’d stand a chance with her…and her breasts.
Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was cooking a Waldorf salad in the kitchen, complaining that nobody appreciated his efforts. Miller pointed out that his food might be unappreciated because he was COOKING a salad. With his error brought to his attention, Hank groaned that he couldn’t do anything right. Miller suggested that Hank put his golfing skills to good use by hitting a ball from the roof and letting his club attract the lightning, winning the challenge with style. Miller suddenly had an epiphany; by attaching a flux capacitor to the club, Hank could even hit that ball through time.
In the production room, Bixie was viewing the footage of Eric and Poncey discussing her breasts, when Rory entered. Bixie acknowledged that Rory’s idea for a challenge was much better than her own, and asked for further assistance in making the show work. They struck a bargain: Rory would give her ideas, and she’d make sure that he looks good on the show so that he could win the grand prize…Greenland. Meanwhile, on the monitor footage, Eric and Poncey started making out.
On the roof, Lance was recording Hank’s efforts to get hit by lightning. Their attempts to time the lightning strikes digressed into a discussion about the movie “Poltergeist.” Getting back on track, Hank asked to speak to Lance off the record. After Lance switched off his camera, Hank offered him a bribe to make him look good and help him win. Lance accepted, not knowing that Rory had picked up the camera and was secretly filming them.
After showing her garbage-can home to Poncey, Dorothy confessed that she wanted to dress nicer for Lance. She explained that she was wearing eight layers of clothing, and the last two were pretty much fused to her skin now…she hadn’t been naked since 1953.
While playing air hockey in the rec room, Eric confessed to Rory that the combination of Bixie’s breasts and internet porn got him so keyed up that, despite being straight, he made out with Poncey…and since everything in this house happens on-camera, the entire world will think he’s gay. Rory asked him one question: Did the encounter make him feel better or worse? In response, Eric went into a heavy-metal number about his sexual awakening.
While demonstrating how to mix drinks, Rory told Dorothy that he could identify with her because he wasn’t always rich…he lived on the streets for three years. He struggled to survive by selling shoes, until he hit on a brilliant publicity idea. He advertised his wares by tying two shoes together and throwing them over power lines...and that’s how he made his fortune. Because his past was so similar to her present, Rory felt obligated to show her the footage he’d made of Hank bribing Lance. Dorothy broke down over this betrayal.
On the roof, Eric was trying for the lightning-strike bonus by masturbating in the hopes that God would strike him down. He attempted to recover his modesty when Hank came up with a flux capacitor wired to his golf club. After some confused conversation, they were suddenly both struck by lightning.
Poncey told Lance that he planned to win just by being himself. Lance replied that it wasn’t working…the networks were skittish about the gay-kiss footage, and Poncey was currently running in last place. Upset, Poncey broke into a song about how true love knows no gender boundaries. Lance was surprised that a gay man could have so little musical talent.
As Eric and Hank lay unconscious on the roof, Bixie stood over them, trying to figure out who got the 100-point bonus by being struck first. When they came to, it was determined that it was a tie. Rory came up and congratulated them, then walked away with Hank’s golf club.
In the bar, Poncey Highland complained to Miller about the oppressive homophobia he’d encountered in the house. Miller rose up in outrage, swearing to join Poncey in his battle to make the house more accepting. As they shook on it, Miller commented on Poncey’s limp, clammy handshake.
Dorothy came down to the basement editing room to confront Lance about the bribe. He apologized for disappointing her, explaining that he wasn’t on the show by choice. He used to be a cameraman for Jack Hanna, until he fell asleep on the job and let Jack get attacked by a tiger. As punishment, he was sentenced to work on reality TV…unless he could win his freedom. Dorothy agreed to help him, on the condition that they have sex first.
Rory and Miller met secretly behind the Scandal House, where no cameras could record their encounter. After removing a chip from the flux capacitor, Rory offered Miller some special hydroponic weed. Smoking it, Miller fell under Rory’s hypnotic control, and Rory ordered him to forget that Rory had the chip. Miller pointed out that he wouldn’t have remembered anything anyway, and Rory replied that he doesn’t like to take chances.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The housemates (including latecomer Poncey Highland) were gathered in the great room, awaiting the program’s “Challenge of the Day.” Director/host Bixie Biederback announced that the challenge was to keep the house clean; anyone not picking up after themselves would be penalized. Rory Manchester protested how trivial that so-called “challenge” was, proposing a real challenge: the first person to go up on the roof and be struck by lightning earns 100 points. Bixie agreed to Rory’s suggestion.
In the “confession booth,” homeless contestant Dorothy told cameraman Lance Belligui that she couldn’t take part in Rory’s challenge, since her hip kept her from going up on the roof. She explained that she had her own game going on; she’d put together a collection of crickets and set up a little racetrack for them. As they conversed, Dorothy confessed that she thought Lance’s mustache was cute, but she didn’t know what to do because she hadn’t had any relationships in years. Lance suggested that she dress up a bit.
Eric von Landingham met his new roommate, Poncey Highland, the stereotypically gay owner of the Happy Waggin’s Pet Grooming emporium. Poncey looked over the room, explaining that he needed to redecorate to reflect his personality. Eric replied that they had to concentrate on the more pressing matter of being electrocuted. More than anything, Eric wanted to impress Bixie so he’d stand a chance with her…and her breasts.
Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was cooking a Waldorf salad in the kitchen, complaining that nobody appreciated his efforts. Miller pointed out that his food might be unappreciated because he was COOKING a salad. With his error brought to his attention, Hank groaned that he couldn’t do anything right. Miller suggested that Hank put his golfing skills to good use by hitting a ball from the roof and letting his club attract the lightning, winning the challenge with style. Miller suddenly had an epiphany; by attaching a flux capacitor to the club, Hank could even hit that ball through time.
In the production room, Bixie was viewing the footage of Eric and Poncey discussing her breasts, when Rory entered. Bixie acknowledged that Rory’s idea for a challenge was much better than her own, and asked for further assistance in making the show work. They struck a bargain: Rory would give her ideas, and she’d make sure that he looks good on the show so that he could win the grand prize…Greenland. Meanwhile, on the monitor footage, Eric and Poncey started making out.
On the roof, Lance was recording Hank’s efforts to get hit by lightning. Their attempts to time the lightning strikes digressed into a discussion about the movie “Poltergeist.” Getting back on track, Hank asked to speak to Lance off the record. After Lance switched off his camera, Hank offered him a bribe to make him look good and help him win. Lance accepted, not knowing that Rory had picked up the camera and was secretly filming them.
After showing her garbage-can home to Poncey, Dorothy confessed that she wanted to dress nicer for Lance. She explained that she was wearing eight layers of clothing, and the last two were pretty much fused to her skin now…she hadn’t been naked since 1953.
While playing air hockey in the rec room, Eric confessed to Rory that the combination of Bixie’s breasts and internet porn got him so keyed up that, despite being straight, he made out with Poncey…and since everything in this house happens on-camera, the entire world will think he’s gay. Rory asked him one question: Did the encounter make him feel better or worse? In response, Eric went into a heavy-metal number about his sexual awakening.
While demonstrating how to mix drinks, Rory told Dorothy that he could identify with her because he wasn’t always rich…he lived on the streets for three years. He struggled to survive by selling shoes, until he hit on a brilliant publicity idea. He advertised his wares by tying two shoes together and throwing them over power lines...and that’s how he made his fortune. Because his past was so similar to her present, Rory felt obligated to show her the footage he’d made of Hank bribing Lance. Dorothy broke down over this betrayal.
On the roof, Eric was trying for the lightning-strike bonus by masturbating in the hopes that God would strike him down. He attempted to recover his modesty when Hank came up with a flux capacitor wired to his golf club. After some confused conversation, they were suddenly both struck by lightning.
Poncey told Lance that he planned to win just by being himself. Lance replied that it wasn’t working…the networks were skittish about the gay-kiss footage, and Poncey was currently running in last place. Upset, Poncey broke into a song about how true love knows no gender boundaries. Lance was surprised that a gay man could have so little musical talent.
As Eric and Hank lay unconscious on the roof, Bixie stood over them, trying to figure out who got the 100-point bonus by being struck first. When they came to, it was determined that it was a tie. Rory came up and congratulated them, then walked away with Hank’s golf club.
In the bar, Poncey Highland complained to Miller about the oppressive homophobia he’d encountered in the house. Miller rose up in outrage, swearing to join Poncey in his battle to make the house more accepting. As they shook on it, Miller commented on Poncey’s limp, clammy handshake.
Dorothy came down to the basement editing room to confront Lance about the bribe. He apologized for disappointing her, explaining that he wasn’t on the show by choice. He used to be a cameraman for Jack Hanna, until he fell asleep on the job and let Jack get attacked by a tiger. As punishment, he was sentenced to work on reality TV…unless he could win his freedom. Dorothy agreed to help him, on the condition that they have sex first.
Rory and Miller met secretly behind the Scandal House, where no cameras could record their encounter. After removing a chip from the flux capacitor, Rory offered Miller some special hydroponic weed. Smoking it, Miller fell under Rory’s hypnotic control, and Rory ordered him to forget that Rory had the chip. Miller pointed out that he wouldn’t have remembered anything anyway, and Rory replied that he doesn’t like to take chances.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Season 12, Episode 1: Reality Bites
It's another new season...this time, they've thrown a bunch of characters together for a reality TV show. Featuring the return of Miller from Season 8 (even though he was killed off in the Jumping-the-Shark Episode).
Episode 1: Reality Bites
In an alley, a homeless woman named Dorothy was scrounging for cigarette butts when Rory Manchester walked by. He threw some money at her in an attempt to get rid of her, but she returned it to him. Admiring her honesty, he introduced himself, explaining that he was going to be on the new reality TV series “Scandal House,” and that he would win because he’s a go-getter at the peak of his self-actualization. Unimpressed, Dorothy tossed a lot of psychobabble right back at Rory.
Former child star Bixie Biederback, director/host of “Scandal House,” was in her office when producer Dick Castleberry stormed in. He reminded her of his credentials (having worked on “Top Gun”) and demanded that she make this show live up to those high standards. She assured him that she was up to the job, having been clean and sober for weeks now. They drank a toast with Perrier.
Two of the show’s contestants, Olan Mills photographer Eric von Landingham and stoner Miller were relaxing in the hot tub (fully clothed). After a bit of inadvertent (or was it?) sexual contact, Miller boasted that he would be the one to win the grand prize…Iceland. Eric pointed out that the prize was actually Greenland. Miller was disappointed because he was looking forward to skiing; Eric tried to explain that Greenland was actually icier than Iceland, confusing Miller to no end.
In the “confession booth,” Italian cameraman Lance Belligui was interviewing pro golfer Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker. Hank explained that his deep-seated anger was due to the fact that he had 7 ex-wives, 9 children, a fading career, and he was now reduced to talking to a foreigner holding a camera.
In the kitchen, Rory reminisced about watching Bixie’s TV show when she was a kid, and asked her to do her famous bit. Reluctantly, she delivered her catchphrase (“This gonna get me in a lot of trouble!”) and her trademark pout. Turning to business, Rory informed her that he always gets what he wants, and that he was going to win Greenland. He then offered to help her, suggesting a visual metaphor for her alcoholism:
RORY: “Think of the worst thing you can. Say, a dead puppy, to start. Now think of that puppy dying again, coming back as a zombie, and dying AGAIN because another dead puppy fell on it. And THAT puppy has herpes.”
Dick Castleberry met Dorothy behind the Scandal House. He found her bedraggled appearance and homeless wisdom so adorable, he was convinced she was a muppet or animatronic. She asked where he was from, and he explained that he grew up in a bubble in Hollywood, shielded from reality. Dorothy told him that he needed to listen to his heart and stop using devices to insulate himself from other people. Dick pretended to take a call on his cell phone.
Eric was trying to get ready for bed, but was uncomfortable due to Lance filming him. (“Kind of reminds me of my weird uncle.”) Eventually, he decided to sleep fully clothed. Eric confided to Lance that he was worried about being treated as eye candy, but Lance assured him he didn’t need to worry about that.
Hank and Miller were playing air-hockey in the rec room; when Hank bragged about scoring, Miller thought that Hank meant he had slept with the homeless chick. Hank tried to explain that he was talking about the game, although he did indeed want to have sex with Dorothy.
Bixie and Dick gathered all of the contestants in the great room to prepare them for the series. Bixie explained that they just needed to be real and natural, though Dick added that they also needed to fight and backstab each other. Dick boasted of his Hollywood successes, but Rory cut him down by reminding him that his last picture had been “Dunston Checks In”…and since Rory had lost a lot of money on that one, now Dick owed him big time.
Lance was filing his videotapes in the basement when Dorothy came to visit him. She gave him an umbrella from her shopping cart to shield him from the leaking ceiling. Touched, he told her about his home in Viennice. (“Imagine God took a palette and wiped it clean, then drizzled love and unicorns on it.”) That reminded Dorothy that she’d seen unicorns eating by the dumpster at Wendy’s. They decided to go out for a bite, and possibly see a unicorn.
Eric, Hank and Rory were working in the garden when Eric noticed a dead bird in a tree. Rory reminisced about how a bird was the first thing he’d ever seen die, launching into an inspirational narrative about how he took that bird’s egg and saved it, and kept that robin alive for 20 years with loving care, steroids, and animatronics. Hank and Eric realized that Rory was too good at everything, and that they’d need to get rid of him to stand any chance of winning.
In the bar, Lance showed Bixie some footage he’d shot (showing Dorothy telling Miller how she’d lost her leg and replaced it with cotton). Bixie attempted to maintain her professionalism, but was tempted by the Red Bull & vodka chargers surrounding her. When Dick entered and started badgering her about the show, she found the strength to resist, throwing a drink on the floor to make her point.
Hank was taking out the garbage, only to be startled by Dorothy sticking her head out of the can. She asked him about his anger, sensing that he obviously wants to use his golf club on people instead of little white balls. Hank retorted that he was having a good day…then confessed that he could only have good DAYS because he doesn’t have a good life.
Miller was working at Hello Pizza Kitty when Dick Castleberry came in for dinner. After Miller spent two hours going through the list of all the available toppings, Dick ordered a medium with love and an autographed photo of Bea Arthur.
In the showers, Eric told Rory how awestruck he was by Rory’s accomplishments. Eric talked about his own career at Olan Mills and his sideline as a drummer with a fledgling band…a good life, but nothing compared to Rory’s. Meanwhile, everybody else lined up and waited impatiently to take their own shower.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 1: Reality Bites
In an alley, a homeless woman named Dorothy was scrounging for cigarette butts when Rory Manchester walked by. He threw some money at her in an attempt to get rid of her, but she returned it to him. Admiring her honesty, he introduced himself, explaining that he was going to be on the new reality TV series “Scandal House,” and that he would win because he’s a go-getter at the peak of his self-actualization. Unimpressed, Dorothy tossed a lot of psychobabble right back at Rory.
Former child star Bixie Biederback, director/host of “Scandal House,” was in her office when producer Dick Castleberry stormed in. He reminded her of his credentials (having worked on “Top Gun”) and demanded that she make this show live up to those high standards. She assured him that she was up to the job, having been clean and sober for weeks now. They drank a toast with Perrier.
Two of the show’s contestants, Olan Mills photographer Eric von Landingham and stoner Miller were relaxing in the hot tub (fully clothed). After a bit of inadvertent (or was it?) sexual contact, Miller boasted that he would be the one to win the grand prize…Iceland. Eric pointed out that the prize was actually Greenland. Miller was disappointed because he was looking forward to skiing; Eric tried to explain that Greenland was actually icier than Iceland, confusing Miller to no end.
In the “confession booth,” Italian cameraman Lance Belligui was interviewing pro golfer Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker. Hank explained that his deep-seated anger was due to the fact that he had 7 ex-wives, 9 children, a fading career, and he was now reduced to talking to a foreigner holding a camera.
In the kitchen, Rory reminisced about watching Bixie’s TV show when she was a kid, and asked her to do her famous bit. Reluctantly, she delivered her catchphrase (“This gonna get me in a lot of trouble!”) and her trademark pout. Turning to business, Rory informed her that he always gets what he wants, and that he was going to win Greenland. He then offered to help her, suggesting a visual metaphor for her alcoholism:
RORY: “Think of the worst thing you can. Say, a dead puppy, to start. Now think of that puppy dying again, coming back as a zombie, and dying AGAIN because another dead puppy fell on it. And THAT puppy has herpes.”
Dick Castleberry met Dorothy behind the Scandal House. He found her bedraggled appearance and homeless wisdom so adorable, he was convinced she was a muppet or animatronic. She asked where he was from, and he explained that he grew up in a bubble in Hollywood, shielded from reality. Dorothy told him that he needed to listen to his heart and stop using devices to insulate himself from other people. Dick pretended to take a call on his cell phone.
Eric was trying to get ready for bed, but was uncomfortable due to Lance filming him. (“Kind of reminds me of my weird uncle.”) Eventually, he decided to sleep fully clothed. Eric confided to Lance that he was worried about being treated as eye candy, but Lance assured him he didn’t need to worry about that.
Hank and Miller were playing air-hockey in the rec room; when Hank bragged about scoring, Miller thought that Hank meant he had slept with the homeless chick. Hank tried to explain that he was talking about the game, although he did indeed want to have sex with Dorothy.
Bixie and Dick gathered all of the contestants in the great room to prepare them for the series. Bixie explained that they just needed to be real and natural, though Dick added that they also needed to fight and backstab each other. Dick boasted of his Hollywood successes, but Rory cut him down by reminding him that his last picture had been “Dunston Checks In”…and since Rory had lost a lot of money on that one, now Dick owed him big time.
Lance was filing his videotapes in the basement when Dorothy came to visit him. She gave him an umbrella from her shopping cart to shield him from the leaking ceiling. Touched, he told her about his home in Viennice. (“Imagine God took a palette and wiped it clean, then drizzled love and unicorns on it.”) That reminded Dorothy that she’d seen unicorns eating by the dumpster at Wendy’s. They decided to go out for a bite, and possibly see a unicorn.
Eric, Hank and Rory were working in the garden when Eric noticed a dead bird in a tree. Rory reminisced about how a bird was the first thing he’d ever seen die, launching into an inspirational narrative about how he took that bird’s egg and saved it, and kept that robin alive for 20 years with loving care, steroids, and animatronics. Hank and Eric realized that Rory was too good at everything, and that they’d need to get rid of him to stand any chance of winning.
In the bar, Lance showed Bixie some footage he’d shot (showing Dorothy telling Miller how she’d lost her leg and replaced it with cotton). Bixie attempted to maintain her professionalism, but was tempted by the Red Bull & vodka chargers surrounding her. When Dick entered and started badgering her about the show, she found the strength to resist, throwing a drink on the floor to make her point.
Hank was taking out the garbage, only to be startled by Dorothy sticking her head out of the can. She asked him about his anger, sensing that he obviously wants to use his golf club on people instead of little white balls. Hank retorted that he was having a good day…then confessed that he could only have good DAYS because he doesn’t have a good life.
Miller was working at Hello Pizza Kitty when Dick Castleberry came in for dinner. After Miller spent two hours going through the list of all the available toppings, Dick ordered a medium with love and an autographed photo of Bea Arthur.
In the showers, Eric told Rory how awestruck he was by Rory’s accomplishments. Eric talked about his own career at Olan Mills and his sideline as a drummer with a fledgling band…a good life, but nothing compared to Rory’s. Meanwhile, everybody else lined up and waited impatiently to take their own shower.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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