And now, the final episode of the Prison season!
Episode 9: Love in Bloom and Lovin’ Dublooms
Picking up right after last episode’s cliffhanger, when Ronni Peterson asked Dexter Dewey if he’d enjoyed having sex with Rusty Trombonz, Dexter apologized for the dramatic pause and assured her that he didn’t enjoy it one bit. With that out of the way, they tried to figure out how they could circumvent Bruce Brüce’s ban on straight marriage.
Wayne Bo Casey, having sneaked through the electric gate by wearing a suit made of hot dogs, had finally gotten hold of Rusty’s treasure case. When Rusty ran into him, Wayne launched into a lengthy list of things that COULD be in the case (such as Lysol or 17 eyeballs), but finally admitted that it was indeed the dublooms. However, now that Wayne had heard the call of the dublooms, he couldn’t give them up. He said that Rusty would have to kill him to get the dublooms. Rusty had no problem with that.
Self-appointed warden Bruce Brüce called Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre into his office. The door played “I’m Comin’ Out” as Hoss opened it, and Bruce explained that he’d modified all the fixtures to play gay anthems. Hoss warned Bruce that people weren’t happy with his ban on straight marriage, but Bruce protested that the ban was necessary to preserve the sanctity of the institution.
BRUCE: “Do you know how many straight marriages end in divorce?”
HOSS: “There must be hundreds. It’s an epidermis!”
Bruce and Hoss then broke into a duet concerning their friendship for each other, with Hoss explaining how hard it was for him, as a straight man, to love a gay man.
In the laundry room, deposed warden Otis Barker was sneaking in supplies for the wedding, when Dexter came in to discuss what to do about Bruce. Dexter resolved by the Librarian’s Code (“set down by Conan the Librarian”) to destroy Bruce. He explained that, as the librarian, he controlled the records of all the books and websites used by each inmate. He had altered Bruce’s on-line records so that it looked like he’d been visiting sleazydream.com, the web’s top free straight porn site. Once the gay community found out, Bruce would be excommunicated and killed. After listening to the elaborate plot, Barker suggested that they come up with a Plan B.
Being an internet-ordained minister, Wayne was getting ready to perform the wedding ceremony. Ronni told Wayne how much she’d admired him since she was 4 years old, and that all she’d ever wanted was to be just like him. (She’d even outdone him by racking up a bigger bodycount.) Moved by her declaration, Wayne told her the unfortunate news that, after he performed the ceremony, he’d also be the one carrying out the execution. (“It’s my month.”) Ronni replied that she’d be honored to be killed by her idol.
RONNI: “You’re almost like a father figure to me.”
WAYNE: “I AM your father.”
In the exercise yard, Hoss and Rusty were both depressed: Hoss by his sexual confusion and Rusty by the loss of his dublooms. Hoss explained his situation, and Rusty began to offer some advice…but before he could, he clutched his chest and collapsed.
Ex-Warden Barker figured out his “Plan B” to destroy Bruce. He explained to Dexter that they would decorate the electric chair in a festive manner, tell Bruce that it was the Seat of Honor, and get him to sit in it. The only problem was, where were they going to find another gay man to be the decorator?
Meanwhile, Bruce had just finished adjusting the chair to play gay music when Wayne Bo Casey came by to ask a favor. Wayne explained that Ronni is his daughter, and that he’d pulled strings to have her brought to Little Five Points Penitentiary so he could be with her. He asked to be executed in Ronni’s place, offering Bruce the dublooms as a bribe.
In the visiting room, Barker met Hoss, who had accepted his sexuality and taken to wearing a leather biker cap and MC Hammer sunglasses. Hoss explained that his love for Bruce Brüce had finally brought him happiness. Barker suggested that Hoss demonstrate his love by decorating the electric chair as a present for Bruce.
Still lying prostrate in the exercise yard, Rusty Trombonz drifted in and out of consciousness before finally rising to his feet, calling out for his lost dublooms.
Dexter and Ronni were going over their pre-nup agreement. Dexter explained that, in the unlikely event that he dies before her execution, she would get his manuscript…a book he’d written all about her, the most beautiful girl in prison. They began slow-dancing as he revealed that he’d written a happy ending for them, going off to live in a beautiful barn together. She told him that she would build that barn for him in heaven.
Wayne was sitting in his cell when he heard Rusty’s distant cry of “Dublooms!” Rusty finally made his way to Wayne’s cell, only to be sucker-punched by Wayne. Wayne informed him that the dublooms had been spent and there was nothing he could do about it.
Hoss was decorating the electric chair in red silk and gold streamers, while dancing to “Material Girl.” Wayne, Barker, and Rusty suddenly materialized as his backup dancers.
Bruce Brüce was in his office, gazing at the dublooms, when Rusty entered. Demanding his treasure back, Rusty knocked everything off of Bruce’s desk. Bruce replied that he didn’t want the gold, since it was blood money. He’d realized that love was what was important…his love for Hoss, and Dexter and Ronni’s love for each other. Rusty sat down to consider this. As he settled into the chair, loud gay music suddenly blared. Rusty immediately keeled over.
Bruce rushed into the execution chamber to inform Hoss of Rusty’s heart attack, but was distracted by the sight of the newly-decorated chair. Bruce told Hoss that he no longer wanted to be warden. (“I don’t want to be the boss of you, I want you.”) Just then, Wayne, Dexter, Ronni and Barker all filed in for the wedding and execution. Bruce informed them that he was resigning, and his last official act as warden was to pardon both Ronni and Dexter.
BRUCE: “Most of the time, it’s the governor who does that, but in Georgia, that’s Sonny Perdue, so that’d be ridiculous.”
Bruce then offered Ronni and Dexter the case of dublooms as a wedding present, but Rusty suddenly rushed in and snatched the case away. Unfazed, Bruce offered them a check and a gun instead. Dexter loudly called out “Oh, look, there’s a dubloom on the floor here.” Rusty immediately ran back in, and Dexter shot him. Bruce congratulated Dexter on his first kill.
Bruce changed out of his warden’s outfit and returned it to Barker. Barker’s first act as returning warden was to order a DOUBLE wedding. Wayne performed the ceremony for not only Dexter & Ronni, but for Bruce & Hoss as well. Just as Wayne pronounced them all married, the chair went off while Bruce and Hoss were sitting in it, giving their honeymoon some real spark. (Sorry…)
THE END
Showing posts with label ronni. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ronni. Show all posts
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Season 11, Episode 8: Fourteen Scenes to Enlightenment
Episode 8: Fourteen Scenes to Enlightenment
Having turned the tables on his captor, Dexter Dewey now had Rusty Trombonz tied up, and began torturing him Tarantino-style while playing “Stuck in the Middle With You” on the radio. After sticking his hand under Rusty’s hairline, Dexter told him that this was just a warning.
Bruce Brüce, having taken over the warden’s office, was tidying up when Arman Redder came in. After some debate on the merits of Italian vs. American fashion designers, Arman asked Bruce if he’d ever read “The Great Gatsby.” Arman explained that he’d found a way to use Fitzgerald’s concept of “the high white note” for an escape plan. He handed Bruce his recorder and asked him to play a note so high, it would burst the pipes and flood the prison, so that the prisoners would be released for safety reasons.
Former Warden Otis Barker was in the visitation room, meeting with his old college buddy, the hippie therapist Dr. Duke Chestworth. Barker admitted that he’d allowed Bruce to switch places with him so that he wouldn’t have to go home to his family. Dr. Duke took Barker back to a childhood memory (watching “The Dukes of Hazzard”) so that he could talk to his father in his mind; the imaginary father figure assured Barker that nothing was his fault.
In the cafeteria, Arman confronted Rusty for stealing the heart of his pen-pal bride during her visit last week. Rusty retorted that Arman had ruined their marriage all by himself, because he doesn’t know what love is. Rusty explained about love by joining Arman in a ballet-like dance, which gradually grew more and more erotic.
Dr. Duke was helping Ronni Peterson get ready for her wedding to Dexter Dewey, not to mention her execution shortly afterwards. She told him how much she wished her parents could be there for the wedding, but she killed them when she was eleven. Dr. Duke told her that she needed to contact the rest of her family and make amends, or else she’d go to hell.
Otis Barker was showering (with his suit on) when Dexter came in, looking for a best man for his wedding. Barker agreed, but informed him that the only way they could fit the wedding into the schedule was to have it at the exact same time as Ronni’s execution.
Later, Barker stopped by his old office and was amazed by how Bruce had fixed it up. He asked where all the money was coming from, and Bruce presented a spreadsheet showing how he’d turned the prison into a success. Bruce explained that he took his new duties seriously and wasn’t just in it for the power. Barker asked if Bruce would apply his master touch to planning a bachelor party for Dexter. Bruce apologetically replied that he couldn’t do that, because he had just banned straight marriage.
Dr. Duke brought Rusty and Dexter together to resolve their differences. Rusty went into a monologue how it felt to be tied up and tortured, explaining that it hurt his essence and took away his mantra. Rusty and Dexter began a ballet dance of apology, which once again turned sexual. Arman entered, shocked to see that Rusty was balleting with other men.
Later, Ronni was sitting on the roof, contemplating her mortality, when Arman arrived. She invited him to the wedding, but was taken aback by his racist rhetoric. She informed him that she had killed people of all races and creeds, and through that, she’d learned that we’re all equal in the end. She told him that he’d been looking at through one eye for so long that he couldn’t see the truth. With that, she removed his eyepatch. Seeing the whole picture for once, Arman suddenly realized that all men ARE created equal.
Dexter was sitting in his cell, reading the Mammoth Book of Word Games, when Barker came in with the bad news. He tried to break it gently by explaining that there’d be no bachelor party, and Dexter said that was all right with him. He then broke into song explaining an embarrassing incident about a guy getting a wedgie at the Gold Club during a bachelor party. Barker then explained that not only would there be no bachelor party, but Bruce had outlawed straight marriage. Dexter saw two solutions: Either he could dig a tunnel to Canada, or they could kill Bruce, reinstate Barker, and rescind Bruce’s ruling.
BARKER: “I don’t know. I’ve never deliberately killed a man before. Sure, accidents have happened…”
Meeting Bruce by the hole, Arman explained that he’d now seen the light of tolerance and realized the error of his ways. Bruce informed Arman that he’d heard through the prison grapevine that a hit had been place on him. He offered to blow Arman’s “high white note” if Arman would be his bodyguard. They both got down on their knees (in a non-fellatio way) to seal the pledge.
Otis Barker informed Dr. Duke of his moral dilemma, explaining that the only way he could get his old life back was to kill a man. Duke sensed the dark shadow forming in Barker’s mind, and tried to talk him out of it by asking how he’d feel if Bo Duke killed Luke Duke. Barker rejected Duke’s advice and sent him away. Duke replied that, if Barker wanted that darkness in his mind, he’d respect that decision. Duke then used his psychic powers to give Barker a taste of all the darkness Duke carries around in his own mind. Duke warned him that he’d be experiencing that all the time if he went through with his plan.
Back by the hole, Bruce was beginning to reconsider his decision. He explained that, if he blew the note and let everybody escape, he’d lose the power (and more importantly, the self-respect) he’d attained as the new warden. Bruce told Arman that he truly believed that he’d changed his ways and become a better person, and that he’d be going to a better place. With that, Bruce stabbed Arman in the gut with his recorder.
Dexter sneaked into Ronni’s cell, explaining that he wouldn’t let the straight-marriage ban stop their relationship (and quoting Tracey Ullman’s “They Don’t Know”). However, he had to confess that, during his therapy session, he wound up having ballet-sex with Rusty Trombonz. Taken aback, Ronni asked if he had enjoyed it. Before he could answer, we ended on that cliffhanger…
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having turned the tables on his captor, Dexter Dewey now had Rusty Trombonz tied up, and began torturing him Tarantino-style while playing “Stuck in the Middle With You” on the radio. After sticking his hand under Rusty’s hairline, Dexter told him that this was just a warning.
Bruce Brüce, having taken over the warden’s office, was tidying up when Arman Redder came in. After some debate on the merits of Italian vs. American fashion designers, Arman asked Bruce if he’d ever read “The Great Gatsby.” Arman explained that he’d found a way to use Fitzgerald’s concept of “the high white note” for an escape plan. He handed Bruce his recorder and asked him to play a note so high, it would burst the pipes and flood the prison, so that the prisoners would be released for safety reasons.
Former Warden Otis Barker was in the visitation room, meeting with his old college buddy, the hippie therapist Dr. Duke Chestworth. Barker admitted that he’d allowed Bruce to switch places with him so that he wouldn’t have to go home to his family. Dr. Duke took Barker back to a childhood memory (watching “The Dukes of Hazzard”) so that he could talk to his father in his mind; the imaginary father figure assured Barker that nothing was his fault.
In the cafeteria, Arman confronted Rusty for stealing the heart of his pen-pal bride during her visit last week. Rusty retorted that Arman had ruined their marriage all by himself, because he doesn’t know what love is. Rusty explained about love by joining Arman in a ballet-like dance, which gradually grew more and more erotic.
Dr. Duke was helping Ronni Peterson get ready for her wedding to Dexter Dewey, not to mention her execution shortly afterwards. She told him how much she wished her parents could be there for the wedding, but she killed them when she was eleven. Dr. Duke told her that she needed to contact the rest of her family and make amends, or else she’d go to hell.
Otis Barker was showering (with his suit on) when Dexter came in, looking for a best man for his wedding. Barker agreed, but informed him that the only way they could fit the wedding into the schedule was to have it at the exact same time as Ronni’s execution.
Later, Barker stopped by his old office and was amazed by how Bruce had fixed it up. He asked where all the money was coming from, and Bruce presented a spreadsheet showing how he’d turned the prison into a success. Bruce explained that he took his new duties seriously and wasn’t just in it for the power. Barker asked if Bruce would apply his master touch to planning a bachelor party for Dexter. Bruce apologetically replied that he couldn’t do that, because he had just banned straight marriage.
Dr. Duke brought Rusty and Dexter together to resolve their differences. Rusty went into a monologue how it felt to be tied up and tortured, explaining that it hurt his essence and took away his mantra. Rusty and Dexter began a ballet dance of apology, which once again turned sexual. Arman entered, shocked to see that Rusty was balleting with other men.
Later, Ronni was sitting on the roof, contemplating her mortality, when Arman arrived. She invited him to the wedding, but was taken aback by his racist rhetoric. She informed him that she had killed people of all races and creeds, and through that, she’d learned that we’re all equal in the end. She told him that he’d been looking at through one eye for so long that he couldn’t see the truth. With that, she removed his eyepatch. Seeing the whole picture for once, Arman suddenly realized that all men ARE created equal.
Dexter was sitting in his cell, reading the Mammoth Book of Word Games, when Barker came in with the bad news. He tried to break it gently by explaining that there’d be no bachelor party, and Dexter said that was all right with him. He then broke into song explaining an embarrassing incident about a guy getting a wedgie at the Gold Club during a bachelor party. Barker then explained that not only would there be no bachelor party, but Bruce had outlawed straight marriage. Dexter saw two solutions: Either he could dig a tunnel to Canada, or they could kill Bruce, reinstate Barker, and rescind Bruce’s ruling.
BARKER: “I don’t know. I’ve never deliberately killed a man before. Sure, accidents have happened…”
Meeting Bruce by the hole, Arman explained that he’d now seen the light of tolerance and realized the error of his ways. Bruce informed Arman that he’d heard through the prison grapevine that a hit had been place on him. He offered to blow Arman’s “high white note” if Arman would be his bodyguard. They both got down on their knees (in a non-fellatio way) to seal the pledge.
Otis Barker informed Dr. Duke of his moral dilemma, explaining that the only way he could get his old life back was to kill a man. Duke sensed the dark shadow forming in Barker’s mind, and tried to talk him out of it by asking how he’d feel if Bo Duke killed Luke Duke. Barker rejected Duke’s advice and sent him away. Duke replied that, if Barker wanted that darkness in his mind, he’d respect that decision. Duke then used his psychic powers to give Barker a taste of all the darkness Duke carries around in his own mind. Duke warned him that he’d be experiencing that all the time if he went through with his plan.
Back by the hole, Bruce was beginning to reconsider his decision. He explained that, if he blew the note and let everybody escape, he’d lose the power (and more importantly, the self-respect) he’d attained as the new warden. Bruce told Arman that he truly believed that he’d changed his ways and become a better person, and that he’d be going to a better place. With that, Bruce stabbed Arman in the gut with his recorder.
Dexter sneaked into Ronni’s cell, explaining that he wouldn’t let the straight-marriage ban stop their relationship (and quoting Tracey Ullman’s “They Don’t Know”). However, he had to confess that, during his therapy session, he wound up having ballet-sex with Rusty Trombonz. Taken aback, Ronni asked if he had enjoyed it. Before he could answer, we ended on that cliffhanger…
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Season 11, Episode 7: The Never-Ending Dance
Episode 7: The Never-Ending Dance
In his office, Warden Otis Barker congratulated Bruce Brüce on having killed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver in a basketball deathmatch, thus ensuring that Washington would never receive Weaver’s report on the prison’s other violations.
BRUCE: “It’s weird how murder cancels out another crime. The PATRIOT Act changes things!”
Bruce cautioned that Barker owed him for this…big time.
Wayne Bo Casey was running around in circles in his cell when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre arrived. Wayne noticed that Hoss was bandaged, and Hoss explained that Arman Redder had shivved him in the gut. Hoss admitted that he’d been supplying Arman with steroids so that the team could win the basketball tournament, and Little Five Points Penitentiary could finally make a name for itself.
In the visitation room, Arman Redder finally met his wife, whom he’d married through correspondence. The visit got off to a rocky start when Arman greeted her as “Hot Tits,” so Rusty Trombonz offered some advice on how to talk to a woman. She soon began speaking directly to Rusty, ignoring Arman completely. Rusty asked if she’d carried out the errand they mentioned in their last letter, retrieving his dublooms from Medieval Times. She replied that she’d brought them in her car, but couldn’t bring them into the prison because they were too big. Rusty told her to leave the car in the parking lot, and they’d figure out how to get them in.
In Warden Barker’s office, Bruce issued a list of demands, including having rose petals scattered before him wherever he walks. When Barker hesitated, Bruce sang “Don’t Stop Me Now,” then threatened to sing more Queen songs until Barker gave in. When Barker protested that he wouldn’t have time for his other duties, Bruce replied that he would simply take over those duties himself…as the new Warden.
Rusty Trombonz was making his way to the parking lot when Wayne rushed past, hurrying to catch “The Price Is Right.” Seeing that Rusty was trying to get past the electrified gates, Wayne warned him that he’d be killed. Rusty decided to test it by throwing a quarter through the gateway, and we heard a crackling buzz. Wayne then tossed a baloney sandwich through, and again the gate buzzed. But when Rusty tossed a footlong hot dog through, nothing happened.
Arman was working out in the exercise yard when Hoss came by. After a tense standoff, they began fighting Star Trek-style. Overpowering Arman, Hoss ordered him to win the tournament, or he’s a dead man.
Barker was settling into Bruce’s cell as word spread through the prison grapevine about their switch. Wayne Bo Casey walked in, yodeling like the little Alpine hiker on “The Price Is Right.” Not noticing the change, Wayne informed “Bruce” of his plan to tie 18,000 hot dogs into a lasso and use it to pull the car through the gate. When Barker pointed out that he wasn’t Bruce, Wayne theorized that Bruce and Barker had switched brains. Wayne illustrated his theory by beginning a pelvic-thrusting dance, then found that he couldn’t stop.
In a secret lair deep inside the prison, Dexter Dewey regained consciousness and found himself tied up with Ronni Peterson, who was not dead after all. Ronni explained that they’d been held captive for a week, but had been provided with enough pudding to survive. Rusty Trombonz entered and explained why he’d done this…because Ronni reminded him so of his long-lost love Stacy. When Ronni protested that he was old enough to be her great-great-grandfather, Rusty insisted that love knows no boundaries.
Meanwhile, Wayne still couldn’t stop dancing.
Bruce had just finished redecorating the Warden’s office when Arman entered. Arman lamented that he longed to taste the air of freedom, especially now that he’d been rejected by his pen-pal wife. (“You’d think a woman would be flattered when you call her ‘Hot Tits.’”) Using his new authority, Bruce gave Arman a one-day pass to Six Flags. Bruce explained that this was the best he could do…if he could grant freedom, he’d be out himself.
Otis Barker finally stopped Wayne’s dance. Looking under Bruce’s bed, Wayne found a supply of hot dogs, already tied together. Wayne explained that he’d discovered the flaw in the electric gate that allowed hot dogs to get through. He then used the hot dogs to hypnotize Barker into forgetting his plan.
Making his rounds, Hoss Hardacre found Dexter Dewey’s cell empty. As he pondered the situation, Bruce entered (with rose petals scattered before him). They broke into a duet, with Bruce singing about the feelings that he’d developed for Hoss during their escape. When Hoss sang that he wasn’t gay, Bruce sang that his feelings weren’t sexual, just friendship…and if Hoss rejected that friendship, he’d have to bring the hammer down. All the inmates joined in the song.
Deep in the secret lair, Dexter and Ronni heard the song and were inspired to try escaping. The escape was quickly ended when Rusty beat Dexter senseless with his cane. Taking a seat on Dexter’s prone body, Rusty told Ronni how much she reminded him of his Stacy. In flashback, we saw how Stacy rejected Rusty for being poor, though he promised to have great wealth for her one day. And now, with his dublooms almost within his grasp, he’d finally lived up to that promise. As Rusty gloated about his treasure, Dexter managed to free himself from his ropes and used it to strangle Rusty. Stopping short of killing him, Dexter explained his plan to Ronni.
DEXTER: “You ever see ‘Reservoir Dogs’? If only I had a cool radio station to listen to while I do it.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
In his office, Warden Otis Barker congratulated Bruce Brüce on having killed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver in a basketball deathmatch, thus ensuring that Washington would never receive Weaver’s report on the prison’s other violations.
BRUCE: “It’s weird how murder cancels out another crime. The PATRIOT Act changes things!”
Bruce cautioned that Barker owed him for this…big time.
Wayne Bo Casey was running around in circles in his cell when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre arrived. Wayne noticed that Hoss was bandaged, and Hoss explained that Arman Redder had shivved him in the gut. Hoss admitted that he’d been supplying Arman with steroids so that the team could win the basketball tournament, and Little Five Points Penitentiary could finally make a name for itself.
In the visitation room, Arman Redder finally met his wife, whom he’d married through correspondence. The visit got off to a rocky start when Arman greeted her as “Hot Tits,” so Rusty Trombonz offered some advice on how to talk to a woman. She soon began speaking directly to Rusty, ignoring Arman completely. Rusty asked if she’d carried out the errand they mentioned in their last letter, retrieving his dublooms from Medieval Times. She replied that she’d brought them in her car, but couldn’t bring them into the prison because they were too big. Rusty told her to leave the car in the parking lot, and they’d figure out how to get them in.
In Warden Barker’s office, Bruce issued a list of demands, including having rose petals scattered before him wherever he walks. When Barker hesitated, Bruce sang “Don’t Stop Me Now,” then threatened to sing more Queen songs until Barker gave in. When Barker protested that he wouldn’t have time for his other duties, Bruce replied that he would simply take over those duties himself…as the new Warden.
Rusty Trombonz was making his way to the parking lot when Wayne rushed past, hurrying to catch “The Price Is Right.” Seeing that Rusty was trying to get past the electrified gates, Wayne warned him that he’d be killed. Rusty decided to test it by throwing a quarter through the gateway, and we heard a crackling buzz. Wayne then tossed a baloney sandwich through, and again the gate buzzed. But when Rusty tossed a footlong hot dog through, nothing happened.
Arman was working out in the exercise yard when Hoss came by. After a tense standoff, they began fighting Star Trek-style. Overpowering Arman, Hoss ordered him to win the tournament, or he’s a dead man.
Barker was settling into Bruce’s cell as word spread through the prison grapevine about their switch. Wayne Bo Casey walked in, yodeling like the little Alpine hiker on “The Price Is Right.” Not noticing the change, Wayne informed “Bruce” of his plan to tie 18,000 hot dogs into a lasso and use it to pull the car through the gate. When Barker pointed out that he wasn’t Bruce, Wayne theorized that Bruce and Barker had switched brains. Wayne illustrated his theory by beginning a pelvic-thrusting dance, then found that he couldn’t stop.
In a secret lair deep inside the prison, Dexter Dewey regained consciousness and found himself tied up with Ronni Peterson, who was not dead after all. Ronni explained that they’d been held captive for a week, but had been provided with enough pudding to survive. Rusty Trombonz entered and explained why he’d done this…because Ronni reminded him so of his long-lost love Stacy. When Ronni protested that he was old enough to be her great-great-grandfather, Rusty insisted that love knows no boundaries.
Meanwhile, Wayne still couldn’t stop dancing.
Bruce had just finished redecorating the Warden’s office when Arman entered. Arman lamented that he longed to taste the air of freedom, especially now that he’d been rejected by his pen-pal wife. (“You’d think a woman would be flattered when you call her ‘Hot Tits.’”) Using his new authority, Bruce gave Arman a one-day pass to Six Flags. Bruce explained that this was the best he could do…if he could grant freedom, he’d be out himself.
Otis Barker finally stopped Wayne’s dance. Looking under Bruce’s bed, Wayne found a supply of hot dogs, already tied together. Wayne explained that he’d discovered the flaw in the electric gate that allowed hot dogs to get through. He then used the hot dogs to hypnotize Barker into forgetting his plan.
Making his rounds, Hoss Hardacre found Dexter Dewey’s cell empty. As he pondered the situation, Bruce entered (with rose petals scattered before him). They broke into a duet, with Bruce singing about the feelings that he’d developed for Hoss during their escape. When Hoss sang that he wasn’t gay, Bruce sang that his feelings weren’t sexual, just friendship…and if Hoss rejected that friendship, he’d have to bring the hammer down. All the inmates joined in the song.
Deep in the secret lair, Dexter and Ronni heard the song and were inspired to try escaping. The escape was quickly ended when Rusty beat Dexter senseless with his cane. Taking a seat on Dexter’s prone body, Rusty told Ronni how much she reminded him of his Stacy. In flashback, we saw how Stacy rejected Rusty for being poor, though he promised to have great wealth for her one day. And now, with his dublooms almost within his grasp, he’d finally lived up to that promise. As Rusty gloated about his treasure, Dexter managed to free himself from his ropes and used it to strangle Rusty. Stopping short of killing him, Dexter explained his plan to Ronni.
DEXTER: “You ever see ‘Reservoir Dogs’? If only I had a cool radio station to listen to while I do it.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Season 11, Episode 6: Ronni's Specter
Episode 6: Ronni’s Specter
In his cell, Rusty Trombonz pulled out his secret map to his treasure of dublooms and was looking over it when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre entered. Hoss explained that he was the acting warden while Warden Barker was refereeing the basketball deathmatch between Bruce Brüce and Chauncey Weaver. Hoss told Rusty that, in exchange for a share of the dublooms, he could make things a lot better for Rusty…like making sure he gets clean sheets.
In the execution chamber, Ronni Peterson was enjoying some private time with Dexter Dewey by striking erotic poses in the chair. Ronni declared her love for Dexter, pleading for him to marry her immediately…not because she’s pregnant, but because she’s going to be executed in two weeks. Dexter joyfully agreed. Since Wayne Bo Casey had been ordained a minister through mail-order, he could perform the ceremony. Breaking into song, Dexter informed Ronni that he needed her to teach him all about sex, since he’d never even seen a ’gina.
Working out in the weight room, Arman Redder thanked Wayne for giving him a second chance, assuring him (untruthfully) that he’d been off drugs for two days now. Wayne warned him that the steroids were still in his system and that he was still in the Danger Zone. They then began an elaborate role-playing exercise, portraying Loggins and Messina to symbolize their relationship.
Hoss told Rusty that all his treasure wouldn’t do him any good while it was out there, past the prison walls, minefields, and wolverine dens. However, he could arrange for 25% of that treasure to do Rusty some good now.
RUSTY: “So you’re saying you get 75% and I get a quarter?”
HOSS: “No, I’m saying you get 25% and I get the rest.”
RUSTY: “Duck season?”
In the chapel, Ronni asked Dexter not to think about her impending execution, but to focus on the happiness they have now. (“When you find your soulmate, it hits you like a ton of books.”) Dexter launched into a passionate monologue using library shelves as a metaphor for his heart, and was so moved that he finally rose from his wheelchair and stood on his feet once again (albeit unsteadily).
Running into Hoss Hardacre, Wayne Bo Casey immediately sensed that Hoss had a heavy burden on his mind. Hoss replied that he couldn’t tell anybody else about it. Wayne suggested that he write it down, just to let it out without revealing the secret to anybody else. When Hoss confessed that he was illiterate, Wayne offered to write it down for him. Agreeing, Hoss dictated his plan to arrange a jailbreak for Rusty Trombonz. Hoss explained that a Medieval Times restaurant had been built over the spot where Rusty buried his dublooms, and Wayne devised an elaborate plot to uncover the treasure during a joust.
When Arman Redder confronted Hoss Hardacre about his drug-pushing, Hoss broke into a song explaining how hard life was for a prison guard, and that all he asked in return was for Arman to make him proud on the basketball court. To make that happen, he needed performance-enhancing drugs.
Dexter and Wayne were in the commissary, going over the plans for Dexter’s wedding. Dexter explained that, instead of a wedding cake, he’d always dreamed of having a huge pile of wedding pudding. They began sampling different flavors to figure out which one to use.
Blissfully skipping through the halls, Ronni made her way to the Warden’s office and announced over the PA how much in love she was. As she did, a mysterious hooded figure in black appeared behind her. As soon as the figure spoke, she recognized him as Rusty Trombonz. Thinking she was after his dublooms, Rusty hit her in the knee with his cane.
Meanwhile, Dexter and Wayne continued the pudding-tasting. Somehow, Wayne segued into a monologue about his mother’s health problems. Dexter complimented Wayne on his unique thought processes.
Arman went up before the parole board, explaining that he was convicted under an unjust law for aiding and abetting his parents’ crime while he was in the womb. Unfortunately, he lost the board’s sympathy when he made some slurs against the Irish.
Hoss found the injured Ronni in the hall and informed her that a broken knee was no excuse for being out of her cell. She cried that she needed a wheelchair, and Hoss informed her that the only wheelchair in the prison was the one recently vacated by Dexter. When Ronni remarked on the irony of the situation, Hoss went into a lengthy explanation about the difference between irony and coincidence.
Dexter and Wayne were still going over the wedding plans. Wayne warned him that this was the first wedding he’d ever performed, and he had to have confidence that they were serious about her, and that the marriage wouldn’t fall apart due to adultery. Dexter assured him that, since Ronni had only two weeks to live, the chances of either of them finding time for an affair were pretty slim.
Returning to the prison yard, Arman informed Hoss that his parole had been denied due to failing his drug test. Hoss revealed that he’d provided the drugs for just that purpose, because he needed Arman in jail for the basketball tournament. Arman remarked how ironic that was. After defining “irony” for five minutes, Hoss warned Arman that he would cut off the drug supply if Arman refused to play ball for him. Arman responded by stabbing Hoss with a sharpened recorder.
Wobbling through the halls, Dexter Dewey found the critically-injured Ronni lying on the ground. Realizing that she was losing blood rapidly, Dexter begged her to hold on. The shadowy hooded figure of Rusty Trombonz appeared behind them. Mistaking the dark phantom for God, Dexter offered to give his own life if Ronni could have the last two weeks of hers.
RUSTY: “Don’t worry, she’s fine.”
DEXTER: “She’s fine? You hear that, honey? You’re fine!”
RUSTY: “Fine-ally DEAD!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
In his cell, Rusty Trombonz pulled out his secret map to his treasure of dublooms and was looking over it when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre entered. Hoss explained that he was the acting warden while Warden Barker was refereeing the basketball deathmatch between Bruce Brüce and Chauncey Weaver. Hoss told Rusty that, in exchange for a share of the dublooms, he could make things a lot better for Rusty…like making sure he gets clean sheets.
In the execution chamber, Ronni Peterson was enjoying some private time with Dexter Dewey by striking erotic poses in the chair. Ronni declared her love for Dexter, pleading for him to marry her immediately…not because she’s pregnant, but because she’s going to be executed in two weeks. Dexter joyfully agreed. Since Wayne Bo Casey had been ordained a minister through mail-order, he could perform the ceremony. Breaking into song, Dexter informed Ronni that he needed her to teach him all about sex, since he’d never even seen a ’gina.
Working out in the weight room, Arman Redder thanked Wayne for giving him a second chance, assuring him (untruthfully) that he’d been off drugs for two days now. Wayne warned him that the steroids were still in his system and that he was still in the Danger Zone. They then began an elaborate role-playing exercise, portraying Loggins and Messina to symbolize their relationship.
Hoss told Rusty that all his treasure wouldn’t do him any good while it was out there, past the prison walls, minefields, and wolverine dens. However, he could arrange for 25% of that treasure to do Rusty some good now.
RUSTY: “So you’re saying you get 75% and I get a quarter?”
HOSS: “No, I’m saying you get 25% and I get the rest.”
RUSTY: “Duck season?”
In the chapel, Ronni asked Dexter not to think about her impending execution, but to focus on the happiness they have now. (“When you find your soulmate, it hits you like a ton of books.”) Dexter launched into a passionate monologue using library shelves as a metaphor for his heart, and was so moved that he finally rose from his wheelchair and stood on his feet once again (albeit unsteadily).
Running into Hoss Hardacre, Wayne Bo Casey immediately sensed that Hoss had a heavy burden on his mind. Hoss replied that he couldn’t tell anybody else about it. Wayne suggested that he write it down, just to let it out without revealing the secret to anybody else. When Hoss confessed that he was illiterate, Wayne offered to write it down for him. Agreeing, Hoss dictated his plan to arrange a jailbreak for Rusty Trombonz. Hoss explained that a Medieval Times restaurant had been built over the spot where Rusty buried his dublooms, and Wayne devised an elaborate plot to uncover the treasure during a joust.
When Arman Redder confronted Hoss Hardacre about his drug-pushing, Hoss broke into a song explaining how hard life was for a prison guard, and that all he asked in return was for Arman to make him proud on the basketball court. To make that happen, he needed performance-enhancing drugs.
Dexter and Wayne were in the commissary, going over the plans for Dexter’s wedding. Dexter explained that, instead of a wedding cake, he’d always dreamed of having a huge pile of wedding pudding. They began sampling different flavors to figure out which one to use.
Blissfully skipping through the halls, Ronni made her way to the Warden’s office and announced over the PA how much in love she was. As she did, a mysterious hooded figure in black appeared behind her. As soon as the figure spoke, she recognized him as Rusty Trombonz. Thinking she was after his dublooms, Rusty hit her in the knee with his cane.
Meanwhile, Dexter and Wayne continued the pudding-tasting. Somehow, Wayne segued into a monologue about his mother’s health problems. Dexter complimented Wayne on his unique thought processes.
Arman went up before the parole board, explaining that he was convicted under an unjust law for aiding and abetting his parents’ crime while he was in the womb. Unfortunately, he lost the board’s sympathy when he made some slurs against the Irish.
Hoss found the injured Ronni in the hall and informed her that a broken knee was no excuse for being out of her cell. She cried that she needed a wheelchair, and Hoss informed her that the only wheelchair in the prison was the one recently vacated by Dexter. When Ronni remarked on the irony of the situation, Hoss went into a lengthy explanation about the difference between irony and coincidence.
Dexter and Wayne were still going over the wedding plans. Wayne warned him that this was the first wedding he’d ever performed, and he had to have confidence that they were serious about her, and that the marriage wouldn’t fall apart due to adultery. Dexter assured him that, since Ronni had only two weeks to live, the chances of either of them finding time for an affair were pretty slim.
Returning to the prison yard, Arman informed Hoss that his parole had been denied due to failing his drug test. Hoss revealed that he’d provided the drugs for just that purpose, because he needed Arman in jail for the basketball tournament. Arman remarked how ironic that was. After defining “irony” for five minutes, Hoss warned Arman that he would cut off the drug supply if Arman refused to play ball for him. Arman responded by stabbing Hoss with a sharpened recorder.
Wobbling through the halls, Dexter Dewey found the critically-injured Ronni lying on the ground. Realizing that she was losing blood rapidly, Dexter begged her to hold on. The shadowy hooded figure of Rusty Trombonz appeared behind them. Mistaking the dark phantom for God, Dexter offered to give his own life if Ronni could have the last two weeks of hers.
RUSTY: “Don’t worry, she’s fine.”
DEXTER: “She’s fine? You hear that, honey? You’re fine!”
RUSTY: “Fine-ally DEAD!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, March 9, 2009
Season 11, Episode 5: The Toilet-Themed Episode
Episode 5: The Toilet-Themed Episode
Having reclaimed his office by force, Warden Otis Barker informed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver that he couldn’t allow him to return to Washington and report him…so he was keeping Weaver prisoner as the new prison janitor.
New inmate Ronni Peterson (temporarily held at L5P Penitentiary until she could be transferred to the Agnes Scott Women’s Prison) was eating in the cafeteria with Bruce Brüce. Bruce confessed that, during his escape with Officer Hoss Hardacre, he’d felt something he’d never felt before…he’d never been around a man who wasn’t interested in him, and it was breaking his heart. Bruce’s discussion of his love life prompted Ronni to reminisce about all her victims.
RONNI: “I like to come at ’em when they’re sleeping.”
BRUCE: “Really? I like to come ON them when they’re sleeping.”
Of course, this remark got Bruce sent to the hole.
Raymond Milk was doing some research about the puffin (“the misunderstood penguin”) in the library when Dexter Dewey rolled in. Dewey complained about Raymond’s good fortune: Raymond got stabbed 14 ½ times with no lasting effects, but one shiv to the gut put Dewey in a wheelchair. (“Life deals you a pair of aces, life deals me a pair of plegics.”) Raymond tried to cheer up Dewey by reminding him that he had knowledge, and knowledge is real power. Dewey replied that nobody valued intellect anymore, as demonstrated by the last election.
Hoss was overseeing Arman Redder’s physical therapy, helping him to regain the use of his broken finger in time for the basketball tournament. Playing to Arman’s racist instincts, Hoss told him to think of the pain as a minority group, like Lithuanians, and to deal with it the way he would with them. Arman pleaded with Hoss to get him some meds so that he could play again.
Wayne Bo Casey was singing REO Speedwagon in his cell when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the toilet. As Weaver went about his janitorial duties, he gave Wayne a feedback form to rate his service on a scale of 1 to 5. Wayne saw his chance to pay Weaver back for turning him into a psychotic killer…plus taking a cut of all the Wayne Bo Casey T-shirts that were sold. Wayne ordered Weaver to dance for him; when Weaver demonstrated some breakdancing moves, Wayne was so impressed that he gave him all 5s on his report.
Warden Barker released Bruce from the hole, then asked a favor from him. Barker explained that he couldn’t allow Weaver to make his report to Washington, so he needed to ruin Weaver’s reputation and credibility. Bruce assured him that he could use his outside connections with the Rainbow Mafia to make the world think that Weaver was gay…just like they did to Rock Hudson. In exchange, Bruce wanted a solid gold toilet.
Ronni Peterson was stalking Dewey through the prison. When he finally noticed her, he praised her beauty. (“Your skin is porcelain, like a beautiful, beautiful toilet…I know we talk about toilets a lot here, sorry.”) They made a date for Dewey to come by her cell later on, and he’d bring so much pudding they wouldn’t be able to breathe.
Wayne and Arman were practicing their basketball moves in the courtyard when Wayne noticed that Arman’s eye was dilated. Finding Arman’s drug paraphernalia, Wayne informed him that he couldn’t trust his escape plan to a junkie. Wayne announced that he had a new partner for the team…Bruce Brüce. Angrily, Arman demanded that they play a match to see who would make the cut; Arman immediately lost.
Afterwards, Bruce was in the shower when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the drains. Weaver was repulsed by Bruce’s obvious gayness, but went about his duties in hope of good customer-service feedback. Bruce began asking Weaver some questions, while holding a bar of soap up to Weaver’s face. (“It’s all right, it’s just a bar of soap, it’s not a tape recorder or anything.”) Seeing through the charade, Weaver snatched away the bar and attempted to snap it in half. Failing that, he broke the bar by biting into it…discovering that it was indeed just a bar of soap.
Stopping by Ronni Peterson’s cell, Warden Barker saw that she was getting ready for a date. When she explained that she was waiting for Dexter Dewey, Barker was initially taken aback, but told her what a nice gesture it was to give Dewey a pity date (just as Dewey arrived). Ronni and Dewey informed him that it was not a pity date; sensing the awkwardness of the moment, Barker went back to his office.
In the office, Hoss informed Barker that he’d had Ronni’s cell under constant surveillance (although they’d have to take the hidden cameras to Eckerd’s to get them developed). As Barker rhapsodized how good it was to see romance blooming in his prison, Hoss warned him that having a woman there would lead to jealousy and riots. Barker saw his point, but couldn’t bring himself to break them up…so Hoss set out to do it himself.
On his way to Ronni’s cell, Hoss ran into Arman Redder, who hit him up for a fix. Hoss gave him some more pills, warning him that these meds had better pay off on the basketball court.
On their date, Ronni was feeding pudding to Dewey when she asked why he was in jail. Dewey was reluctant to tell her, fearing that she’d turn against him, but he eventually confessed: “I had sex with a bus full of children. Now, before you judge me, I didn’t have sex with the children…I just had sex with the bus.” Ronni replied that she doesn’t judge him, and continued feeding him pudding. Just then, Janitor Weaver came by to clean the toilet. He screamed in horror, mistaking the pudding for…um, something else.
Fleeing in disgust, Weaver went up to the roof, where he found Wayne lost in thought. Weaver apologized for trying to cancel the basketball game back when he had the authority to do so. Weaver asked if he could be Wayne’s new partner, if the current one should happen to die. After a bit of practice so Wayne could see Weaver’s moves, Wayne agreed to kill Bruce so that Weaver could take his place. They’d win the tournament, escape, and start a speakeasy.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having reclaimed his office by force, Warden Otis Barker informed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver that he couldn’t allow him to return to Washington and report him…so he was keeping Weaver prisoner as the new prison janitor.
New inmate Ronni Peterson (temporarily held at L5P Penitentiary until she could be transferred to the Agnes Scott Women’s Prison) was eating in the cafeteria with Bruce Brüce. Bruce confessed that, during his escape with Officer Hoss Hardacre, he’d felt something he’d never felt before…he’d never been around a man who wasn’t interested in him, and it was breaking his heart. Bruce’s discussion of his love life prompted Ronni to reminisce about all her victims.
RONNI: “I like to come at ’em when they’re sleeping.”
BRUCE: “Really? I like to come ON them when they’re sleeping.”
Of course, this remark got Bruce sent to the hole.
Raymond Milk was doing some research about the puffin (“the misunderstood penguin”) in the library when Dexter Dewey rolled in. Dewey complained about Raymond’s good fortune: Raymond got stabbed 14 ½ times with no lasting effects, but one shiv to the gut put Dewey in a wheelchair. (“Life deals you a pair of aces, life deals me a pair of plegics.”) Raymond tried to cheer up Dewey by reminding him that he had knowledge, and knowledge is real power. Dewey replied that nobody valued intellect anymore, as demonstrated by the last election.
Hoss was overseeing Arman Redder’s physical therapy, helping him to regain the use of his broken finger in time for the basketball tournament. Playing to Arman’s racist instincts, Hoss told him to think of the pain as a minority group, like Lithuanians, and to deal with it the way he would with them. Arman pleaded with Hoss to get him some meds so that he could play again.
Wayne Bo Casey was singing REO Speedwagon in his cell when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the toilet. As Weaver went about his janitorial duties, he gave Wayne a feedback form to rate his service on a scale of 1 to 5. Wayne saw his chance to pay Weaver back for turning him into a psychotic killer…plus taking a cut of all the Wayne Bo Casey T-shirts that were sold. Wayne ordered Weaver to dance for him; when Weaver demonstrated some breakdancing moves, Wayne was so impressed that he gave him all 5s on his report.
Warden Barker released Bruce from the hole, then asked a favor from him. Barker explained that he couldn’t allow Weaver to make his report to Washington, so he needed to ruin Weaver’s reputation and credibility. Bruce assured him that he could use his outside connections with the Rainbow Mafia to make the world think that Weaver was gay…just like they did to Rock Hudson. In exchange, Bruce wanted a solid gold toilet.
Ronni Peterson was stalking Dewey through the prison. When he finally noticed her, he praised her beauty. (“Your skin is porcelain, like a beautiful, beautiful toilet…I know we talk about toilets a lot here, sorry.”) They made a date for Dewey to come by her cell later on, and he’d bring so much pudding they wouldn’t be able to breathe.
Wayne and Arman were practicing their basketball moves in the courtyard when Wayne noticed that Arman’s eye was dilated. Finding Arman’s drug paraphernalia, Wayne informed him that he couldn’t trust his escape plan to a junkie. Wayne announced that he had a new partner for the team…Bruce Brüce. Angrily, Arman demanded that they play a match to see who would make the cut; Arman immediately lost.
Afterwards, Bruce was in the shower when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the drains. Weaver was repulsed by Bruce’s obvious gayness, but went about his duties in hope of good customer-service feedback. Bruce began asking Weaver some questions, while holding a bar of soap up to Weaver’s face. (“It’s all right, it’s just a bar of soap, it’s not a tape recorder or anything.”) Seeing through the charade, Weaver snatched away the bar and attempted to snap it in half. Failing that, he broke the bar by biting into it…discovering that it was indeed just a bar of soap.
Stopping by Ronni Peterson’s cell, Warden Barker saw that she was getting ready for a date. When she explained that she was waiting for Dexter Dewey, Barker was initially taken aback, but told her what a nice gesture it was to give Dewey a pity date (just as Dewey arrived). Ronni and Dewey informed him that it was not a pity date; sensing the awkwardness of the moment, Barker went back to his office.
In the office, Hoss informed Barker that he’d had Ronni’s cell under constant surveillance (although they’d have to take the hidden cameras to Eckerd’s to get them developed). As Barker rhapsodized how good it was to see romance blooming in his prison, Hoss warned him that having a woman there would lead to jealousy and riots. Barker saw his point, but couldn’t bring himself to break them up…so Hoss set out to do it himself.
On his way to Ronni’s cell, Hoss ran into Arman Redder, who hit him up for a fix. Hoss gave him some more pills, warning him that these meds had better pay off on the basketball court.
On their date, Ronni was feeding pudding to Dewey when she asked why he was in jail. Dewey was reluctant to tell her, fearing that she’d turn against him, but he eventually confessed: “I had sex with a bus full of children. Now, before you judge me, I didn’t have sex with the children…I just had sex with the bus.” Ronni replied that she doesn’t judge him, and continued feeding him pudding. Just then, Janitor Weaver came by to clean the toilet. He screamed in horror, mistaking the pudding for…um, something else.
Fleeing in disgust, Weaver went up to the roof, where he found Wayne lost in thought. Weaver apologized for trying to cancel the basketball game back when he had the authority to do so. Weaver asked if he could be Wayne’s new partner, if the current one should happen to die. After a bit of practice so Wayne could see Weaver’s moves, Wayne agreed to kill Bruce so that Weaver could take his place. They’d win the tournament, escape, and start a speakeasy.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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