Episode 12: In Which Our Story Concludes
Princess Penelope wrote a letter to her father, King George III, informing him that, due to the short gestation period of her inhuman pregnancy, he was now the proud grandfather of a Chihuahua named Princess Pickles.
On the outskirts of town, in a long-forgotten prison, a long-forgotten prisoner chiseled through the wall with a spoon…only to find the hole was too small to fit through.
In the burned-out Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was giving Sir Richard DeGranville his quarterly review, which turned into a list of Gwinnett’s own failures. DeGranville tendered his resignation (again), explaining that he had found a history book from the future in Seth’s backpack, and had learned that the colonists will win the Revolution. So, he was joining the winning side. He offered Gwinnett a chance to join alongside him.
Back at the prison, the mysterious prisoner managed to enlarge the hole wide enough to escape…only to find snakes on the other side.
The Widow Cocovin was helping Seth prepare for the upcoming battle. She told him she would hate to see him die, and he replied that he’d hate it even more. However, he assured her that he would survive, thanks to his future-smarts and the Uzi he had in his backpack. He told her she had been like a mother to him…a really gross mother.
Back at the prison, the prisoner chipped a hole through a different wall, and found monkeys on the other side. He tried yet another wall, which crumbled immediately. Hearing only the chirping of birds, he decided it was safe to leave that way. He informed a magpie that he was searching for his old friend, Nigel Buttons Gwinnett. The magpie told him to go to the burned-out courthouse, and the prisoner set on his way.
Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was making preparations for the wedding of his horse Cacafuego to Thunderpumpkin, when Penelope arrived to inform him that she’d had their child. She wanted him to be a part of their child’s life, but he insisted that he had to be free to wander.
DeGranville and Gwinnett were still arguing when Ridickolas Nickleby stormed in and ordered Gwinnett to shut up. Nickleby and DeGranville revealed that they had robbed the treasury, and were now setting out for a new life in the Carolinas. They invited Gwinnett to join them, but Gwinnett instead ordered a lockdown of the city. He warned them that if they crossed town lines, they were dead.
The prisoner found his way to the city limits, and began a monologue speaking to the city itself. Four and a half hours later, he finally entered.
Stung by Hector’s rejection, Penelope ran to Seth’s treehouse, where she found him extremely worried about his possible death. He told her that if he died in battle, he would leave her his hoverboard. She suggested that he use the hoverboard to fly away rather than risk his life, pointing out that he was still just a boy (citing his fondness for doody jokes). Seth replied that his immaturity didn’t make him any less of a man, saying that many soldiers joke before they die. She asked him what his dying joke would be.
Nickleby came to the Clermont Tavern to collect his final paycheck. The Widow Cocovin informed him that all her money was in the bank when it was robbed. Since Nickleby was the culprit, he realized that he had already collected his money, so he left.
Hector was trying to ease Cacafuego’s pre-wedding jitters when the mysterious prisoner happened by. He introduced himself as Gwinnett’s old friend, Buford Fulton. Pleased to meet the stranger, Hector invited him to the wedding…which would be held at the burned-out courthouse, conveniently. Fulton offered Cacafuego a carrot…the only thing he had saved from his cell, and his only companion for those three long years. The carrot’s name was Lars. Hector offered to make a little carrot tuxedo and make Lars a groomsman.
DeGranville and Nickleby were on the outskirts of town, ready to cross the line and start their new life. DeGranville recalled how he once had so much hope for Little Five Ports. He also recalled the time before Gwinnett became an idiot, but before he could reveal the secret, their horses collapsed.
Seth told Penelope his ultimate joke: “99 camels walk into a bar. The bartender says ‘We don’t serve camels here.’ The 99 camels say ‘Quit bustin’ our humps!’” As they laughed, the Widow Cocovin entered and informed Seth that it was time to go into battle. Seth left with these words of wisdom:
“Remember, Penelope, love is a battlefield. And a battlefield is also a battlefield.”
Back at the town border, DeGranville revealed that he himself was responsible for Gwinnett’s stupidity, as he dropped him on his head when he was 2 ½ years old. Gripped by a sense of responsibility, DeGranville realized he had to go back and give Gwinnett one more chance to join them. He said that if he didn’t return in one hour, then Nickleby should go on ahead to West Carolina. (“The best of the Carolinas…let’s hope they never get rid of that one!”)
Hector and Buford Fulton went to the Governor’s office for a marriage license for the two horses. Upon seeing Gwinnett, Fulton seized him roughly…but the apparent attack turned out to be a joyful embrace on his reunion with his old friend. Fulton revealed (in flashback) the circumstances of his imprisonment. Three years ago, Fulton and Gwinnett built a safehouse in case of an emergency. As they were congratulating themselves on its solid construction, Gwinnett was distracted by the sight of a bird outside. As he rushed out to chase it, the door closed behind him, locking Fulton inside. Forgetting why he was there, Gwinnett then wandered off, wondering where he’d dropped his spoon and his carrot.
Preparing for battle, Seth addressed the troops, informing them that after this day, they would no longer be measured by their height or by the size of their penis, but by their courage. Then Seth made a poop joke, and the entire army laughed uproariously.
Princess Penelope paid a visit to the Widow Cocovin, seeking advice on raising Princess Pickles. When Cocovin pointed out that her “baby” was a dog, Penelope initially denied it, then broke down and confessed that she had never actually been pregnant. Indeed, she was still a virgin. Her “night of passion” with Hector had been a horrible failure, as Hector loved Cocovin too much to do anything. Penelope then explained that she wanted a baby so badly, she had found a rat, cleaned it up, dressed it, and named it Princess Pickles. As she lamented her virginity, Buford Fulton entered. Recognizing the look of a prisoner who had not had intercourse in years, Cocovin played matchmaker and offered Penelope and Fulton a room together.
Hearing the sounds of battle in the distance, Ridickolas Nickleby was torn between his freedom and helping his friend. Without hesitation, he rushed to the battlefield and found Seth leading the troops. Nickleby doffed his red coat and declared his allegiance to the Americas. Seth handed his Uzi to Nickleby, and they ran into battle together. In the midst of the battle, Seth was shot. Seth’s whole life flashed before his eyes…but most of it was internet porn.
Buford Fulton and Penelope emerged from the Honeymoon Suite, basking in the afterglow. He invited her to be his guest at the wedding, and she gladly accepted. Only then did she inform him that she was the daughter of the King, and had been exiled to the colonies as punishment. Kneeling at her feet, he declared “Your punishment has been my pleasure, milady.”
Hector paced nervously before the wedding. As Cacafuego and Thunderpumpkin arrived, he told them how proud they were. Fulton and Penelope arrived next, and Penelope informed Hector that someone new had captured her heart. Cocovin entered, accompanied by Lars the carrot (until Thunderpumpkin ate him). DeGranville and Gwinnett arrived together, having reconciled between scenes. The joyous mood was suddenly shattered when Nickleby burst in, carrying the wounded Seth. Nickleby pleaded with Hector to use his magical Fountain water to heal Seth. Hector pulled out his bottle, but found there was only a single drop left. The droplet spilled onto DeGranville’s finger, and DeGranville then carefully placed it in Seth’s mouth. Was a single drop enough? Seth closed his eyes as his head lolled to the side…then he suddenly coughed and sat up. Everybody congratulated Seth on leading the colonists to victory. As he basked in his moment of glory, Seth suddenly found himself being pulled back to the future—now that he had set things right, he was making the leap home.
All that was left behind was Seth’s hoverboard. The assembled wedding guests, inspired by Seth’s example, decided to write upon it a message for future generations: “We the People…”
THE END
Showing posts with label thunderpumpkin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thunderpumpkin. Show all posts
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Episode 11: In Which Sanity Is Restored
Episode 11: In Which Sanity Is Restored
In the remains of the Governor’s office, Gov. Gwinnett was going over the disappointing election results—a three-way tie with one vote each for Gwinnett, Seth, and Mickey Mouse. Gwinnett thought that he might increase his popularity by performing a spectacular stunt, like jumping over two horses or encasing himself in ice. DeGranville suggested that they put Gwinnett in the stocks and have the people make suggestions to him.
DEGRANVILLE: “You know what the stocks are?”
GWINNETT: “It’s soup, right?”
Ridickolas Nickleby, disguised with a long beard, eyepatch, cloak, and shepherd’s crook, stopped by the Clermont Tavern, begging for alms for a war veteran. The Widow Cocovin, fooled by his outfit, decided that his combat experience could be valuable, and invited him to join the Revolution.
Having been impregnated by Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, Princess Penelope was planning a baby shower with Seth and Sir Charles Norris (who suggested gathering a wagonful of infants and dump them off a rooftop, creating a shower of babies). Seth suggested a bachelorette party, making a lewd pantomime which Norris interpreted as tickling a pistol. Norris expressed his disappointment that the Princess had disgraced the crown by giving up her maidenhead to a Spaniard. She reminded Norris that she was still royalty, and that he should mind his place.
In the empty stable, Hector contemplated (in song) his impending fatherhood. His faithful steed Cacafuego came running. Sensing Cacafuego’s heartbreak, Hector swore to reunite Cacafuego with his true love Thunderpumpkin (the horse of the late Arnedict Barnold).
The disguised Nickleby (calling himself “Jimmy”) was preparing a giant bowl of soup for Gov. Gwinnett’s spectacular feat. They began brainstorming ideas for other stunts, until Gwinnett finally saw through Nickleby’s disguise. Nickleby hit Gwinnett in the gut with his shepherd’s crook, then ran off.
Cocovin stopped by DeGranville’s lair to boast that she had organized an army to take on the British forces. DeGranville revealed that he had known of her plans all along, but had let her proceed because he respected her as a worthy opponent. He then revealed that Gwinnett’s idiocy had convinced him that Britain was unworthy of his loyalty. DeGranville was no longer on England’s side…he was now on DeGranville’s side. Whether that’s the same as the colonist’s side was another matter.
While searching for male prostitutes for her bachelorette party, Penelope asked Seth to be her baby’s godfather. He replied that he couldn’t handle such responsibility, but that he would be proud to be “Uncle Seth.” He offered to use his knowledge of the future to invent new games and rides for her child.
Hector, searching for Thunderpumpkin, ran into Sir Charles Norris. Knowing Norris’ reputation as the world’s greatest tracker, Hector asked for his help in finding the horse. Norris immediately went behind the building and returned with Thunderpumpkin. He then gave Hector one second to tell him why he shouldn’t snap the horse’s neck. One second later, Hector replied “True love.” Norris spared Thunderpumpkin, but demanded a favor in return…he wanted Hector to tickle his pistol. As Hector did so, Penelope walked by and was shocked by the sight. She was so enraged, she began speaking in a Spanish accent. Hector revealed that his Spanish DNA had gotten into her..and furthermore, his immortal seed would produce an inhuman baby.
Collecting taxes, DeGranville met a “stranger” calling himself Ludacris Jefferson. Seeing through Nickleby’s disguise, DeGranville asked why he had not escaped, noting that Gwinnett will surely kill him if he finds him. Nickleby assured him that he could handle Gwinnett, explaining how he had escaped by striking Gwinnett in the stomach. Horrified, DeGranville revealed that a blow to the solar plexus is the one thing that can restore Gwinnett’s sanity. For 24 hours, the Governor will be rational, and more dangerous than ever. With his life in danger and nothing waiting for him back home (as his wife “Mitzi”—whom Nickleby confessed was actually “Michael”—had left him), Nickleby decided to rob the treasury and form a new life in another colony with DeGranville. They only had to get past the treasury’s guard, Sir Charles Norris. Luckily, Nickleby knew Norris’ one weakness.
Penelope explained to the now-sane Gwinnett that she was pregnant with a monster child. Gwinnett calmly and reasonably suggested that she throw herself down a flight of stairs. (“Apparently, your being sane just means that you’re an asshole,” she replied.) The fetus loudly threatened Gwinnett from the womb.
Seth entered the Clermont Tavern and found Cocovin going over the battle plans. Seth revealed that he had drawn up the plans himself, pointing out the doodles of Mario and Luigi. Impressed by his plans, Cocovin invited him to help join the Revolution. Seth was amazed and flattered…he had been a nobody in his own time, but now he had a chance to be a hero.
Sir Charles Norris was guarding the bank when his grandson, Sir Richard DeGranville, came in to withdraw all the treasury’s funds. As all the accounts were in DeGranville’s name anyway, this was actually a legitimate transaction…but Norris insisted that DeGranville had to maintain the minimum balance. Just then, Nickleby (disguised as a clown) arrived with a mouse…Norris’ one weakness. The terrified Norris jumped up on the desk, but soon regained his composure. Norris warned them that he could kill them in 18 different ways, then demonstrated his skills by chopping off the lower left legs of both Nickleby and DeGranville, switching them around. DeGranville pointed out that his left leg was fake to begin with, so he was unharmed. He then demonstrated the new lethal skill he had learned from the Choctaw, by striking a powerful blow to Norris’ chest. He explained to his grandfather that the injury would kill him after he takes five steps. Norris and DeGranville took four steps together to say their goodbyes (while Nickleby retrieved his leg and reattached it). Norris asked his grandson to name his future child Charles Norris, and continue the line of Charles Norrises for generations to come. A light shone down on them, and Norris saw God. (“After the life you’ve led?” “True, but if Heaven didn’t take Sir Charles Norris, Hell couldn’t handle the ass-kicking he would bring.”) They took the last step together, and Sir Charles Norris collapsed into his grandson’s arms. Unfortunately, the touching tableau was spoiled when Norris’ body slid down until his face was against DeGranville’s groin.
TO BE CONTINUED…
In the remains of the Governor’s office, Gov. Gwinnett was going over the disappointing election results—a three-way tie with one vote each for Gwinnett, Seth, and Mickey Mouse. Gwinnett thought that he might increase his popularity by performing a spectacular stunt, like jumping over two horses or encasing himself in ice. DeGranville suggested that they put Gwinnett in the stocks and have the people make suggestions to him.
DEGRANVILLE: “You know what the stocks are?”
GWINNETT: “It’s soup, right?”
Ridickolas Nickleby, disguised with a long beard, eyepatch, cloak, and shepherd’s crook, stopped by the Clermont Tavern, begging for alms for a war veteran. The Widow Cocovin, fooled by his outfit, decided that his combat experience could be valuable, and invited him to join the Revolution.
Having been impregnated by Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, Princess Penelope was planning a baby shower with Seth and Sir Charles Norris (who suggested gathering a wagonful of infants and dump them off a rooftop, creating a shower of babies). Seth suggested a bachelorette party, making a lewd pantomime which Norris interpreted as tickling a pistol. Norris expressed his disappointment that the Princess had disgraced the crown by giving up her maidenhead to a Spaniard. She reminded Norris that she was still royalty, and that he should mind his place.
In the empty stable, Hector contemplated (in song) his impending fatherhood. His faithful steed Cacafuego came running. Sensing Cacafuego’s heartbreak, Hector swore to reunite Cacafuego with his true love Thunderpumpkin (the horse of the late Arnedict Barnold).
The disguised Nickleby (calling himself “Jimmy”) was preparing a giant bowl of soup for Gov. Gwinnett’s spectacular feat. They began brainstorming ideas for other stunts, until Gwinnett finally saw through Nickleby’s disguise. Nickleby hit Gwinnett in the gut with his shepherd’s crook, then ran off.
Cocovin stopped by DeGranville’s lair to boast that she had organized an army to take on the British forces. DeGranville revealed that he had known of her plans all along, but had let her proceed because he respected her as a worthy opponent. He then revealed that Gwinnett’s idiocy had convinced him that Britain was unworthy of his loyalty. DeGranville was no longer on England’s side…he was now on DeGranville’s side. Whether that’s the same as the colonist’s side was another matter.
While searching for male prostitutes for her bachelorette party, Penelope asked Seth to be her baby’s godfather. He replied that he couldn’t handle such responsibility, but that he would be proud to be “Uncle Seth.” He offered to use his knowledge of the future to invent new games and rides for her child.
Hector, searching for Thunderpumpkin, ran into Sir Charles Norris. Knowing Norris’ reputation as the world’s greatest tracker, Hector asked for his help in finding the horse. Norris immediately went behind the building and returned with Thunderpumpkin. He then gave Hector one second to tell him why he shouldn’t snap the horse’s neck. One second later, Hector replied “True love.” Norris spared Thunderpumpkin, but demanded a favor in return…he wanted Hector to tickle his pistol. As Hector did so, Penelope walked by and was shocked by the sight. She was so enraged, she began speaking in a Spanish accent. Hector revealed that his Spanish DNA had gotten into her..and furthermore, his immortal seed would produce an inhuman baby.
Collecting taxes, DeGranville met a “stranger” calling himself Ludacris Jefferson. Seeing through Nickleby’s disguise, DeGranville asked why he had not escaped, noting that Gwinnett will surely kill him if he finds him. Nickleby assured him that he could handle Gwinnett, explaining how he had escaped by striking Gwinnett in the stomach. Horrified, DeGranville revealed that a blow to the solar plexus is the one thing that can restore Gwinnett’s sanity. For 24 hours, the Governor will be rational, and more dangerous than ever. With his life in danger and nothing waiting for him back home (as his wife “Mitzi”—whom Nickleby confessed was actually “Michael”—had left him), Nickleby decided to rob the treasury and form a new life in another colony with DeGranville. They only had to get past the treasury’s guard, Sir Charles Norris. Luckily, Nickleby knew Norris’ one weakness.
Penelope explained to the now-sane Gwinnett that she was pregnant with a monster child. Gwinnett calmly and reasonably suggested that she throw herself down a flight of stairs. (“Apparently, your being sane just means that you’re an asshole,” she replied.) The fetus loudly threatened Gwinnett from the womb.
Seth entered the Clermont Tavern and found Cocovin going over the battle plans. Seth revealed that he had drawn up the plans himself, pointing out the doodles of Mario and Luigi. Impressed by his plans, Cocovin invited him to help join the Revolution. Seth was amazed and flattered…he had been a nobody in his own time, but now he had a chance to be a hero.
Sir Charles Norris was guarding the bank when his grandson, Sir Richard DeGranville, came in to withdraw all the treasury’s funds. As all the accounts were in DeGranville’s name anyway, this was actually a legitimate transaction…but Norris insisted that DeGranville had to maintain the minimum balance. Just then, Nickleby (disguised as a clown) arrived with a mouse…Norris’ one weakness. The terrified Norris jumped up on the desk, but soon regained his composure. Norris warned them that he could kill them in 18 different ways, then demonstrated his skills by chopping off the lower left legs of both Nickleby and DeGranville, switching them around. DeGranville pointed out that his left leg was fake to begin with, so he was unharmed. He then demonstrated the new lethal skill he had learned from the Choctaw, by striking a powerful blow to Norris’ chest. He explained to his grandfather that the injury would kill him after he takes five steps. Norris and DeGranville took four steps together to say their goodbyes (while Nickleby retrieved his leg and reattached it). Norris asked his grandson to name his future child Charles Norris, and continue the line of Charles Norrises for generations to come. A light shone down on them, and Norris saw God. (“After the life you’ve led?” “True, but if Heaven didn’t take Sir Charles Norris, Hell couldn’t handle the ass-kicking he would bring.”) They took the last step together, and Sir Charles Norris collapsed into his grandson’s arms. Unfortunately, the touching tableau was spoiled when Norris’ body slid down until his face was against DeGranville’s groin.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Episode 4: In Which Animal Passions Are Unleashed
Episode 4: In Which Animal Passions Are Unleashed
In the Governor’s office, Sir Richard DeGranville informed Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett that the people on the outskirts of town where getting sick from tainted water, prompting Gwinnett to ask why they were putting their taints in the water. DeGranville suggested that they protect themselves with a quarantine, so Gwinnett ordered the formation of a perimeter around the city, to be called “The Perimeter.” Then, Gwinnett went back to amusing himself by spinning in his swivel chair.
Princess Penelope was standing by the wishing well, wishing for a way out of this horrible place…and for a friend. Seth came by, wishing for a way to return to the 21st century. They tried combining their wishing powers, but nothing happened. Observing how Seth had made so many friends despite being even more of an outsider than she is, she asked how he did it. He explained that all he does is be nice to people and do things for them. He then demonstrated by punching out a guy who was making harassing catcalls at Penelope.
At the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin was cleaning up when Ridickolas Nickleby arrived, explaining that he was late because he was watching Seth punch out a guy. She complained that he had missed “Taint Night,” but Nickleby informed her that the Governor had outlawed taints, and had set up a perimeter with 285 men guarding it. Getting back to the business of cleaning, Cocovin was desperate to get rid of the Tavern’s perpetual urine smell. She believed that Seth had something called “ammonia,” and asked Nickleby to get it from him. Nickleby agreed, despite not knowing what ammonia is.
Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was wahing his horse Cacafuego when Arnedict Barnold arrived. Hector was understandably upset by Barnold’s previous attempt to murder him, but Barnold apologized, asking whether Hector had ever done anything he regretted. Hector recalled the time he lost his hat in alligator-infested waters, and lost many men sending them to retrieve it. Barnold reassured him that his kicky little hat was well worth the sacrifice.
Gov. Gwinnett and Sir Richard DeGranville were stuck in traffic, while that same guy who harassed Penelope shouted sarcastic remarks at them. In response, DeGranville shot him with a poison dart from his blowgun-cane. Gwinnett asked why he had done that to someone singing his praises, and DeGranville attempted to explain the concept of sarcasm. (“They are insulting you with compliments!”)
Ridickolas Nickleby went to Seth’s treehouse, explaing that he’d been sent to fetch ammonia. Seth didn’t have any, but he did have some witch hazel; Nickleby was thrilled by the thought of cleaning with witchcraft. Seth, still angered by Cocovin’s treatment of Penelope, said that he wouldn’t give it to her unless she paid handsomely. (“She can’t tickle my fancy…or fancy my feast!”)
At the Clermont Tavern, Princess Penelope told the Widow Cocovin that she was trying to make friends, and asked if there was any favor she could do for Cocovin. Cocovin asked how they got rid of the smell of urine in England, and Penelope explained the concepts of hygiene and wiping. Penelope explained that, as she’d given up hope of returning to England, she would no longer be called “Princess,” but simply “Penelope.” She asked for some common clothes to fit in better, and Cocovin gave her her apron (though Penelope couldn’t fit it over her her hair).
Hector was riding through the woods, with Arnedict Barnold close at his heels, desperate to learn from the immortal Spaniard’s accumulated wisdom. Hector was discomforted by the violation of his personal space, but his horse welcomed the attentions of Barnold’s steed, Thunderpumpkin. Soon, the two horses began getting it on.
DeGranville entered the Governor’s office, where Gov. Gwinnett was practicing the technique of sarcasm. DeGranville informed Gwinnett that his Perimeter had snarled traffic throughout the town, and the cost of maintaining the 285 was astronomical. Gwinnett suggested that they set up tollbooths to pay off the cost. When DeGranville pointed out that the townspeople would not be happy about a new tax, Gwinnett authorized him to kill people who won’t pay.
Nickleby walked into the Clermont Tavern and was surprised to see Penelope working. She explained that she no longer considered herself a princess…and that, as far as she was concerned, England no longer exists. Nickleby protested that England was his home, where his wife Mitzi waits for him. Penelope replied that Mitzi probably thought he was dead, and had likely opened her walls to other men. His spirit broken, Nickleby ran out crying and cursing Penelope’s name. She protested that she was only trying to be nice.
Cacafuego and Thunderpumpkin were basking in the afterglow, pondering a life together without their masters.
Stuck in traffic, Arnedict Barnold ran into Seth. Gazing upon the crowd, Barnold launched into a verbose discourse about the common people, which was too obscure for Seth to follow. Barnold clarified by singing a song of his vision of a country where all people are equally free to masturbate. DeGranville interrupted the song by demanding a toll, showing them the edict authorizing deadly force.
Inspired by Penelope’s reinvention of herself, the Widow Cocovin decided that she would no longer be called “the Widow,” but would now simply be Connie Cocovin. Upon meeting her, Hector was instantly smitten by her glamour, and asked her “Do you know how a Spanish man makes love?” He then took off his cape and waved it in front of her. Unable to resist, she charged at him.
Nickleby ran into Governor Gwinnett’s office, wailing that Penelope had declared that England no longer exists. Stunned by this news, Gwinnett concluded that Penelope had magical powers…powers which he coveted. Nickleby recalled that Seth had something called “witch hazel,” and they reasoned that this substance had banished England into the haze. If they could retrieve this witch hazel, they could bring England back.
DeGranville entered the Clermont Tavern, where Penelope explained that she had taken up service out of the goodness of her heart. Pondering the ideas of goodness and service, DeGranville recalled the vow he made to Gwinnett’s father…a vow to take care of Nigel for as long as he lives. Noticing the way his eyes shifted as he said “as long as he lives,” Penelope realized DeGranville’s sinister meaning. DeGranville explained that Gwinnett’s idiocy was the only thing holding him back from unleashing the wrath of England…and while he was sworn to serve Gwinnett, she could release him from that obligation.
TO BE CONTINUED…
In the Governor’s office, Sir Richard DeGranville informed Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett that the people on the outskirts of town where getting sick from tainted water, prompting Gwinnett to ask why they were putting their taints in the water. DeGranville suggested that they protect themselves with a quarantine, so Gwinnett ordered the formation of a perimeter around the city, to be called “The Perimeter.” Then, Gwinnett went back to amusing himself by spinning in his swivel chair.
Princess Penelope was standing by the wishing well, wishing for a way out of this horrible place…and for a friend. Seth came by, wishing for a way to return to the 21st century. They tried combining their wishing powers, but nothing happened. Observing how Seth had made so many friends despite being even more of an outsider than she is, she asked how he did it. He explained that all he does is be nice to people and do things for them. He then demonstrated by punching out a guy who was making harassing catcalls at Penelope.
At the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin was cleaning up when Ridickolas Nickleby arrived, explaining that he was late because he was watching Seth punch out a guy. She complained that he had missed “Taint Night,” but Nickleby informed her that the Governor had outlawed taints, and had set up a perimeter with 285 men guarding it. Getting back to the business of cleaning, Cocovin was desperate to get rid of the Tavern’s perpetual urine smell. She believed that Seth had something called “ammonia,” and asked Nickleby to get it from him. Nickleby agreed, despite not knowing what ammonia is.
Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was wahing his horse Cacafuego when Arnedict Barnold arrived. Hector was understandably upset by Barnold’s previous attempt to murder him, but Barnold apologized, asking whether Hector had ever done anything he regretted. Hector recalled the time he lost his hat in alligator-infested waters, and lost many men sending them to retrieve it. Barnold reassured him that his kicky little hat was well worth the sacrifice.
Gov. Gwinnett and Sir Richard DeGranville were stuck in traffic, while that same guy who harassed Penelope shouted sarcastic remarks at them. In response, DeGranville shot him with a poison dart from his blowgun-cane. Gwinnett asked why he had done that to someone singing his praises, and DeGranville attempted to explain the concept of sarcasm. (“They are insulting you with compliments!”)
Ridickolas Nickleby went to Seth’s treehouse, explaing that he’d been sent to fetch ammonia. Seth didn’t have any, but he did have some witch hazel; Nickleby was thrilled by the thought of cleaning with witchcraft. Seth, still angered by Cocovin’s treatment of Penelope, said that he wouldn’t give it to her unless she paid handsomely. (“She can’t tickle my fancy…or fancy my feast!”)
At the Clermont Tavern, Princess Penelope told the Widow Cocovin that she was trying to make friends, and asked if there was any favor she could do for Cocovin. Cocovin asked how they got rid of the smell of urine in England, and Penelope explained the concepts of hygiene and wiping. Penelope explained that, as she’d given up hope of returning to England, she would no longer be called “Princess,” but simply “Penelope.” She asked for some common clothes to fit in better, and Cocovin gave her her apron (though Penelope couldn’t fit it over her her hair).
Hector was riding through the woods, with Arnedict Barnold close at his heels, desperate to learn from the immortal Spaniard’s accumulated wisdom. Hector was discomforted by the violation of his personal space, but his horse welcomed the attentions of Barnold’s steed, Thunderpumpkin. Soon, the two horses began getting it on.
DeGranville entered the Governor’s office, where Gov. Gwinnett was practicing the technique of sarcasm. DeGranville informed Gwinnett that his Perimeter had snarled traffic throughout the town, and the cost of maintaining the 285 was astronomical. Gwinnett suggested that they set up tollbooths to pay off the cost. When DeGranville pointed out that the townspeople would not be happy about a new tax, Gwinnett authorized him to kill people who won’t pay.
Nickleby walked into the Clermont Tavern and was surprised to see Penelope working. She explained that she no longer considered herself a princess…and that, as far as she was concerned, England no longer exists. Nickleby protested that England was his home, where his wife Mitzi waits for him. Penelope replied that Mitzi probably thought he was dead, and had likely opened her walls to other men. His spirit broken, Nickleby ran out crying and cursing Penelope’s name. She protested that she was only trying to be nice.
Cacafuego and Thunderpumpkin were basking in the afterglow, pondering a life together without their masters.
Stuck in traffic, Arnedict Barnold ran into Seth. Gazing upon the crowd, Barnold launched into a verbose discourse about the common people, which was too obscure for Seth to follow. Barnold clarified by singing a song of his vision of a country where all people are equally free to masturbate. DeGranville interrupted the song by demanding a toll, showing them the edict authorizing deadly force.
Inspired by Penelope’s reinvention of herself, the Widow Cocovin decided that she would no longer be called “the Widow,” but would now simply be Connie Cocovin. Upon meeting her, Hector was instantly smitten by her glamour, and asked her “Do you know how a Spanish man makes love?” He then took off his cape and waved it in front of her. Unable to resist, she charged at him.
Nickleby ran into Governor Gwinnett’s office, wailing that Penelope had declared that England no longer exists. Stunned by this news, Gwinnett concluded that Penelope had magical powers…powers which he coveted. Nickleby recalled that Seth had something called “witch hazel,” and they reasoned that this substance had banished England into the haze. If they could retrieve this witch hazel, they could bring England back.
DeGranville entered the Clermont Tavern, where Penelope explained that she had taken up service out of the goodness of her heart. Pondering the ideas of goodness and service, DeGranville recalled the vow he made to Gwinnett’s father…a vow to take care of Nigel for as long as he lives. Noticing the way his eyes shifted as he said “as long as he lives,” Penelope realized DeGranville’s sinister meaning. DeGranville explained that Gwinnett’s idiocy was the only thing holding him back from unleashing the wrath of England…and while he was sworn to serve Gwinnett, she could release him from that obligation.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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