Episode 23 – The Final Chapter
After doing a rockin’ musical number to celebrate their new careers as social workers, Commander Blanket smashed his guitar. Blanket noticed that Shika’s face was now patterned instead of solid blue, and Shika explained that it was a chameleon-like change cause by his great sadness at leaving the Keeton-2 behind. Blanket revealed some unfortunate news…a telegram from Spaceforce informed them that, due to budget cuts, they had abandoned their plans to pick up the crew and bring the station down to earth. Instead, they’re just going to let the Keeton-2 and the entire expendable crew burn up on re-entry.
Altair-3 (the right arm of the giant composite Altair robot) was giving Edwina attitude over her transformation from android to human. She defended herself by pointing out that, while Altair-3 was only a part of a whole, she was now complete in a way Altair-3 would never understand.
As Armageddon Uno did a final check on the butter-churn rocket, Scoopella entered. She explained who she was, and told him that she loved him.
In the station’s centrally located park, Elder Amos Fisher prayed for God’s blessing on the butter-churn rocket. Suddenly, Amos clutched at his chest and collapsed. Jacob entered and saw his fallen adoptive father.
AMOS: “Jacob…I think it’s my ticker…my pumper…my lub-a-dub-dubber…”
Amos told Jacob that he wouldn’t be able to help him anymore…and that Jacob was now the leader of the Amish people. As a symbol of leadership, Amos handed his red suspenders over to Jacob. As the end neared, Amos cried out:
AMOS: “Jacob! I see the Kingdom!”
JACOB: “What’s it like?”
AMOS: “It’s like…Tuberon!”
And with that, Elder Amos Fisher died.
Cody Gage and Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as…oh, come on, you know who he is by now) were packing up to start their new life. Dwayne told her that his vast wealth would enable them to go anywhere they wanted, but Cody insisted that she had to actually accomplish something with her life…and she could do that by opening a storage facility for the special-needs people on Tuberon. Dwayne proposed that they not stop there, but open a whole chain of storage facilities. As Dwayne planned their life together, Cody tearfully confessed that she couldn’t burden Dwayne with her terrible medical condition…irritable bowel syndrome. Dwayne tenderly revealed that he shared her affliction.
Altair-4 searched for the other robots. Just as he left, Altair-5 entered. Altair-5 left, and Altair-2 arrived.
ALTAIR-2: “This is like a bad Keystone Kops scene!”
Armageddon and Scoopella took a shower with their clothes on. Scoopella told Armageddon that she’d loved him ever since he took her to Detroit.
ARMAGEDDON: “Wait a minute! Last time I saw you, you were 12. Now, I’m no Paula Poundstone…”
They considered combining her powers and his know-how to start an unprecedented crime wave. Scoopella revealed that, while she was being tested in Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, she found a box containing a billion dollars, which they could use to finance their spree. Tempting as the offer was, Armageddon confessed that his mission to pilot the Amish to Tuberon had taught him an important lesson…it feels good to do good.
Jacob Fisher eulogized his adoptive father, with Dr. Shika in attendance for the impromptu funeral. After the ceremony, Shika gave Jacob even more bad news, telling him about Spaceforce leaving everyone to die. Shika pleaded with Jacob to take them along in the butter-churn rocket. After some quick calculations, they learned that the butter-churn rocket could hold all of Earth’s Amish population, all of Earth’s retarded people, and the entire Keeton-2 crew…except for one person.
Altair-3 got a message from the other Altair robots informing him that they were all outside the station, ready to fulfill their purpose. Altair-3 went out, and we witnessed the awesome spectacle of the five Altairs forming one giant robot (courtesy of the station’s monitor projection screen).
Edwina took a reluctant Scoopella to see her father Jacob. Jacob was ill at ease at being reunited with the destroyer of Detroit, but Edwina urged him to forgive their daughter. Edwina explained Scoopella’s origin, then pointed out her own transformation.
EDWINA: “I’m all human now! I’m still British…I hope we can get past that.”
Jacob confessed his own secret, that he was actually an alien rocketed to Earth as an infant. He opened his shirt to reveal the “A” logo (for Amish-Man) on his super-hero costume underneath. They realized that they were all misfits, and could draw strength from belonging together. Jacob apologized for trying too hard to mold Scoopella into the Amish way of life, and Scoopella apologized for slaughtering Detroit.
Commander Blanket presented Cody Gage with an honorable discharge, then gave her a bag full of his most prized badges and buttons. As Cody reeled from the honor, Dwayne McLifegiver stormed in, enraged over the theft of a billion dollars and 37 cents, which he had packed in a box marked “Tomatoes.” Commander Blanket smoothed things over by offering them the millions he won betting of the Detroit Tigers back in a long-forgotten plot point from Episode 11.
Armageddon Uno stood between his two ships, torn between the freedom and adventure of the Chicken Hawk and the duty and heroism of the butter-churn rocket. Armageddon also felt guilty about taking the billion dollars from Dwayne McLifegiver, the man who truly cares for Armageddon’s sister Cody. Just then, Cody entered, and Armageddon thanked her for fixing his ship…and fixing his heart. Suddenly, a furious Dwayne entered with a gun. Luckily, before things could escalate, the assembled giant Altair robot (now known as “Valtair”) spoke up from outside the station to stop the violence. Calmed down, Dwayne apologized for losing his temper. He told Armageddon that, since Commander Blanket had generously given them his millions, he was going to follow suit and give Armageddon HIS billions.
Suddenly, Commander Blanket arrived, hustling everybody aboard the butter-churn rocket. Just as everyone else boarded, Blanket shut the door behind them. Since one person had to stay behind, Commander James Tranquility Blanket was prepared to sacrifice himself and go down with the ship. (Plus, the Chicken Hawk’s auto-pilot took off to rendezvous with Armageddon later, so scratch that mode of escape.) Moved by Blanket’s heroism, Jacob called out through the portal:
JACOB: “I’ll carve a statue of you on Tuberon!”
BLANKET: “Make me skinnier!”
As everyone bid farewell, Valtair suddenly spoke up, offering to rescue Blanket from the doomed station.
VALTAIR: “Come with us! What do you say?”
BLANKET: “I say…take me down to the Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty…”
Everyone began singing along with Commander Blanket as the two vessels separated. As the Keeton-2 went down in flames, the butter-churn rocket arrived at Tuberon. Our heroes’ old home was gone…but a new one lay ahead of them.
THE END
Showing posts with label tomagachi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tomagachi. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Season 4, Episode 22: Go Altair Force!
Episode 22: Go Altair Force!
Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as Dwayne Tomagachi and Angus McMurder) and Cody Gage were packing up the equipment from the Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense. Coming across his Torture Droid, the now-reformed Dwayne urged Cody to destroy it along with all his other evil devices. After pondering how much money she might get for pawning it, Cody put the Droid away and said she’d destroy it later. They practiced for their new jobs at the storage facility with a bit of role-playing. When Cody, playing a customer, approached Dwayne about storing some toxic materials, Dwayne suggested some evil ideas but quickly stopped himself. Cody decided to handle the customer service herself. As Cody calculated how much they’d make in their new jobs, Dwayne mentioned that he was a billionaire.
Altair-9000 told Armageddon Uno about his past, explaining that his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, created five Altair robots capable of forming one giant robot.
ALTAIR: “Then we realized there’s no earthly use for a giant robot, so we split up.”
Jacob Fisher’s adoptive father, Amos Fisher, explained more about Jacob’s true origins. Amos found Jacob as an infant in a butter-churn launched from space…proof that there is Amish intelligence elsewhere in the universe. Amos told Jacob that he was the hope of the Amish people.
Commander Blanket reflected on his last week in command of the station. Dr. Shika arrived, and Blanket revealed what he wanted to do with his life. Commander Blanket’s great ambition was to become a social worker and help special children. And, in keeping with the spirit of the Golden Age of Social Work, Blanket adopted a new ’70s outfit. Blanket invited Shika to help him out in his new career, and Shika promised to stop by whenever he’s not spending time with his family on Guano-9.
Edwina was cleaning up in the commissary when her daughter Scoopella entered, fully grown, fashionably dressed, and bearing a strange resemblance to the late Scoop Quasar. Scoopella explained that, after her rampage destroyed Detroit, a nice woman named Catherine Shamrock found her and took her to the Queen Pretty Reform School for Girls, where they turned her into a real lady. Scoopella asked who her father really was, and Edwina decided to take her to Dr. Shika for a DNA test.
Altair-9000 received a radio message from the rapidly approaching Altair-3, who would form the left leg of the giant Altair robot.
On their way to Dr. Shika, Edwina and Scoopella ran into Dwayne Tomagachi. Edwina introduced them.
EDWINA: “This is Scoopella.”
DWAYNE: “No, that’s definitely Scoop Quasar in a ridiculous wig!”
Edwina managed to convince Dwayne that it was indeed Scoopella. Dwayne started to suggest that Scoopella take over the world, but stopped himself. Scoopella suggested that perhaps the Queen Pretty Reform School could help him change his evil ways. Dwayne proposed that they run the necessary tests on Scoopella in his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, since Dr. Shika would probably just foul the tests up.
Cody Gage ran into Dr. Shika, sporting his new ’70s outfit. When Shika explained that he was going to help Commander Blanket help special-needs children, Cody began feeling that her own plans for the storage facility were insignificant. She and Dr. Shika came up with a way that she could make a difference, too—opening a storage facility for retarded people!
Altair-3 approached the station, eager to finally fulfill his purpose.
Commander Blanket visited Amos Fisher in the barn. Amos initially shunned Blanket’s new “hippie” getup, but they smoothed that over. Amos had realized a flaw in Jacob’s plan…the butter-churn rocket would carry all the Amish people, but couldn’t hold their belongings. The Amish, especially the special-needs Amish, need a place to store their stuff. When Blanket learned that 75% of the Amish are retarded, he suggested that they expand their plan to create a homeworld for ALL of Earth’s retarded people as well.
As Jacob Fisher and Armageddon Uno did a last-minute check on the butter-churn rocket, Jacob revealed that the entire barn section of the station was part of his ship, and would detach from the rest of the Keeton-2. Armageddon was amazed that a simple Amish farmer could accomplish all this, and Jacob explained about his extraterrestrial origins. Speculating as to whether Jacob had any powers besides his advanced knowledge, Armageddon recalled how hard Jacob had hit him a couple of weeks ago. Testing Jacob’s strength, they discovered that Jacob could lift a cow with one hand.
Altair-4 arose from the wreckage of Detroit and flew towards the station.
After testing Scoopella’s DNA, Dwayne discovered that Scoopella was 1/3 Jacob, 1/3 Edwina, and 1/3 Scoop…a perfect hybrid of human, android, and Amish alien. As they wondered what this could mean, Dwayne sent Edwina through a shining portal to fetch some Frusen Gladje. When Edwina returned, Dwayne slapped her. Edwina felt the pain…then realized she was now fully human. Amazed and grateful, Edwina wondered how Dwayne had done it, since she hadn’t been able to contact her creator Gary Petto. Dwayne revealed that he WAS Gary Petto. A flashback revealed that Dwayne/Petto’s daughter had been hit by a car while he was too busy building Edwina, and that he had engineered the entire chain of events to create Scoopella as a replacement for his dead child. Upset by Dwayne’s manipulations, Edwina got into a shouting match with him.
EDWINA: “You may be able to scream louder, but I can scream shriller!”
They stopped when they realized that their fighting was traumatizing Scoopella. Dwayne explained that now that Edwina was human, Jacob could finally embrace her without going against his Amish beliefs. Suddenly, Altair-2 arrived. Recognizing Scoopella as the destroyer of Detroit, Altair-2 backed out of the room.
Cody Gage & Dr. Shika told Commander Blanket & Jacob Fisher about their plans for the pro bono retarded storage facility. Blanket then told Jacob about his own plan to bring all Earth’s retarded people along with the Amish to planet Tuberon. Taken aback, Jacob revealed that he had only planned on taking the healthiest of the Amish, leaving inbreeding behind. Shocked by Jacob’s uncharacteristic insensitivity, Blanket reminded him of the lessons of helping others instead of judging them.
TO BE CONCLUDED…
Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as Dwayne Tomagachi and Angus McMurder) and Cody Gage were packing up the equipment from the Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense. Coming across his Torture Droid, the now-reformed Dwayne urged Cody to destroy it along with all his other evil devices. After pondering how much money she might get for pawning it, Cody put the Droid away and said she’d destroy it later. They practiced for their new jobs at the storage facility with a bit of role-playing. When Cody, playing a customer, approached Dwayne about storing some toxic materials, Dwayne suggested some evil ideas but quickly stopped himself. Cody decided to handle the customer service herself. As Cody calculated how much they’d make in their new jobs, Dwayne mentioned that he was a billionaire.
Altair-9000 told Armageddon Uno about his past, explaining that his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, created five Altair robots capable of forming one giant robot.
ALTAIR: “Then we realized there’s no earthly use for a giant robot, so we split up.”
Jacob Fisher’s adoptive father, Amos Fisher, explained more about Jacob’s true origins. Amos found Jacob as an infant in a butter-churn launched from space…proof that there is Amish intelligence elsewhere in the universe. Amos told Jacob that he was the hope of the Amish people.
Commander Blanket reflected on his last week in command of the station. Dr. Shika arrived, and Blanket revealed what he wanted to do with his life. Commander Blanket’s great ambition was to become a social worker and help special children. And, in keeping with the spirit of the Golden Age of Social Work, Blanket adopted a new ’70s outfit. Blanket invited Shika to help him out in his new career, and Shika promised to stop by whenever he’s not spending time with his family on Guano-9.
Edwina was cleaning up in the commissary when her daughter Scoopella entered, fully grown, fashionably dressed, and bearing a strange resemblance to the late Scoop Quasar. Scoopella explained that, after her rampage destroyed Detroit, a nice woman named Catherine Shamrock found her and took her to the Queen Pretty Reform School for Girls, where they turned her into a real lady. Scoopella asked who her father really was, and Edwina decided to take her to Dr. Shika for a DNA test.
Altair-9000 received a radio message from the rapidly approaching Altair-3, who would form the left leg of the giant Altair robot.
On their way to Dr. Shika, Edwina and Scoopella ran into Dwayne Tomagachi. Edwina introduced them.
EDWINA: “This is Scoopella.”
DWAYNE: “No, that’s definitely Scoop Quasar in a ridiculous wig!”
Edwina managed to convince Dwayne that it was indeed Scoopella. Dwayne started to suggest that Scoopella take over the world, but stopped himself. Scoopella suggested that perhaps the Queen Pretty Reform School could help him change his evil ways. Dwayne proposed that they run the necessary tests on Scoopella in his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, since Dr. Shika would probably just foul the tests up.
Cody Gage ran into Dr. Shika, sporting his new ’70s outfit. When Shika explained that he was going to help Commander Blanket help special-needs children, Cody began feeling that her own plans for the storage facility were insignificant. She and Dr. Shika came up with a way that she could make a difference, too—opening a storage facility for retarded people!
Altair-3 approached the station, eager to finally fulfill his purpose.
Commander Blanket visited Amos Fisher in the barn. Amos initially shunned Blanket’s new “hippie” getup, but they smoothed that over. Amos had realized a flaw in Jacob’s plan…the butter-churn rocket would carry all the Amish people, but couldn’t hold their belongings. The Amish, especially the special-needs Amish, need a place to store their stuff. When Blanket learned that 75% of the Amish are retarded, he suggested that they expand their plan to create a homeworld for ALL of Earth’s retarded people as well.
As Jacob Fisher and Armageddon Uno did a last-minute check on the butter-churn rocket, Jacob revealed that the entire barn section of the station was part of his ship, and would detach from the rest of the Keeton-2. Armageddon was amazed that a simple Amish farmer could accomplish all this, and Jacob explained about his extraterrestrial origins. Speculating as to whether Jacob had any powers besides his advanced knowledge, Armageddon recalled how hard Jacob had hit him a couple of weeks ago. Testing Jacob’s strength, they discovered that Jacob could lift a cow with one hand.
Altair-4 arose from the wreckage of Detroit and flew towards the station.
After testing Scoopella’s DNA, Dwayne discovered that Scoopella was 1/3 Jacob, 1/3 Edwina, and 1/3 Scoop…a perfect hybrid of human, android, and Amish alien. As they wondered what this could mean, Dwayne sent Edwina through a shining portal to fetch some Frusen Gladje. When Edwina returned, Dwayne slapped her. Edwina felt the pain…then realized she was now fully human. Amazed and grateful, Edwina wondered how Dwayne had done it, since she hadn’t been able to contact her creator Gary Petto. Dwayne revealed that he WAS Gary Petto. A flashback revealed that Dwayne/Petto’s daughter had been hit by a car while he was too busy building Edwina, and that he had engineered the entire chain of events to create Scoopella as a replacement for his dead child. Upset by Dwayne’s manipulations, Edwina got into a shouting match with him.
EDWINA: “You may be able to scream louder, but I can scream shriller!”
They stopped when they realized that their fighting was traumatizing Scoopella. Dwayne explained that now that Edwina was human, Jacob could finally embrace her without going against his Amish beliefs. Suddenly, Altair-2 arrived. Recognizing Scoopella as the destroyer of Detroit, Altair-2 backed out of the room.
Cody Gage & Dr. Shika told Commander Blanket & Jacob Fisher about their plans for the pro bono retarded storage facility. Blanket then told Jacob about his own plan to bring all Earth’s retarded people along with the Amish to planet Tuberon. Taken aback, Jacob revealed that he had only planned on taking the healthiest of the Amish, leaving inbreeding behind. Shocked by Jacob’s uncharacteristic insensitivity, Blanket reminded him of the lessons of helping others instead of judging them.
TO BE CONCLUDED…
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Season 4, Episode 21: The Great Emancipat-bot
Episode 21: The Great Emancipat-bot
After last week’s body-switching experience, Altair-9000 now had the mind of Abraham Lincoln. Altair/Lincoln delivered the Emancipation Proclamation to Jacob Fisher’s livestock, setting all the animals free. Jacob entered and argued that it was God’s plan for animals to be subjugated to human needs.
JACOB: “Cows are here to provide milk for people…and baby cows, but more importantly for people.”
Dr. Shika advised Edwina Prototype to choose between her android and human natures, telling her to “shit on the pot or get off.”
EDWINA: “What I wouldn’t give to shit! It’s so human! The most human acts of all, to shit and to cheat on one’s taxes.”
Needing further counseling, Edwina broke into a song entitled “What Would You Do, Dr. Shika? I Need Your Wisdom.” Dr. Shika told her to listen to her heart.
Steering the station with a wine cooler in one hand and champagne in the other, Commander Blanket suddenly noticed that his beehive had died of neglect, having been ignored since Episode 12. In his sorrow, Blanket reflected on all the other duties he’d failed, and swore to fulfill his promises to deliver the Amish people to Tuberon, help Altair find his four counterpart robots, and get Armageddon Uno laid three times in three weeks. Suddenly, Jacob Fisher’s father Amos Fisher entered the station, having built a spiral staircase into the sky. Amos explained his misgivings about Jacob’s plans to establish a new Amish homeworld. Commander Blanket offered to show Amos his son’s work so he could see Jacob’s sincerity.
Cody Gage’s true personality had returned to her body, while Dwayne McLifegiver (a.k.a. Dwayne Tomagachi, a.k.a. Angus McMurder) was now occupied by both his own personality and Altair’s. After Cody explained her plans to become a beauty professional after she goes back to Earth, they talked about how Dwayne/Altair’s dual personality would affect their relationship.
DWAYNE/ALTAIR: “It’s the best of both worlds! You get someone who wants to experience everything life has to offer…and someone who wants to destroy life. That’s a balance, I guess.”
As Armageddon Uno helped Jacob round up the emancipated livestock, Jacob explained the proper Amish was of slaughtering animals using the Amish martial art of Mish Fu. Jacob proceeded to give Armageddon a rather homoerotic-looking demonstration, while Commander Blanket and Amos Fisher looked on in horror.
Altair/Lincoln was wandering the hallways when Amos and Blanket walked by, still shocked by what they thought they had seen. Perplexed by the strange presidential figure, Amos shunned Altair/Lincoln once he realized he was a robot.
Still unsure of her future career path, Cody Gage scanned the classified ads for something she and Dwayne/Altair could do together. She found an offer to open a storage unit in Lawrenceville, getting paid 6.75 an hour just to live there and watch over the place. The Altair side of Dwayne’s persona balked at the idea, refusing to settle down in one place and give up all life’s experiences. As Altair searched for more exciting work, he discovered an ad from Dwayne’s brother, Heinous McMurder, seeking a new partner in crime. Dwayne was so enraged by his brother’s backstabbing ad that his fury displaced Altair’s personality. Altair returned to his own body just as Lincoln smashed a cane across Amos’ back.
Commander Blanket found Armageddon Uno in the hold. Blanket explained that he wasn’t happy with Spaceforce’s plans to reassign him as a PE teacher in Arizona, and asked if he could travel the universe together with Armageddon. Armageddon accepted the Commander’s request, saying that Blanket reminded him of his old monkey sidekick, Jim-Jim. Commander Blanket shared some bad news…while searching for the other Altair robots, he’d also found out what happened to Jim-Jim. Blanket asked Armageddon if he’d ever seen “Faces of Death.” Armageddon gleefully recalled the movie’s most gruesome moments, until he remembered the restaurant that served monkey brains.
Dr. Shika tended Amos Fisher’s injuries. Amos was initially shocked by the blue-skinned alien’s appearance, but his brutal punishment at Altair’s hands had convinced him not to judge others. Amos was impressed that Shika could fix his back chiropractically, using his hands instead of technology. As they conversed, Shika explained that his true name doesn’t translate into English, and he adopted the name “Shika” after watching Sammy Davis Jr. Shika whispered his real name to Amos, who recognized it as an Amish name. Amos revealed that he’d come to bring his son bad news…the Amish have rejected Jacob’s plan to lead them to a new homeworld.
Dwayne was in the commissary, readjusting to having complete control of his body once again. As Edwina entered and fixed him some Caribou Coffee, Dwayne told her that he now understood what it was like to live as a half-human, half-android. The conversation turned to Edwina’s memories of her own creator, G. Petto. Dwayne recognized the name as belonging to Gary Petto, an employee of the Yamamoto Corporation. Dwayne gave Edwina Dr. Petto’s address so that she could finally become fully human.
Cody Gage ran into Altair-9000, who was discarding his Lincoln outfit. Altair confessed that his experiences as both Dwayne and Lincoln had left him with complex, conflicted emotions about humanity.
CODY: “This isn’t going to be one of those split-personality things, is it? ’Cause I’ve had about enough of that.”
ALTAIR: “I was just gonna open up and tell you how I feel, but fuck you!”
And with that, Altair stormed out.
As Amos Fisher read Shika’s books on chiropractic, Jacob arrived. Amos told Jacob that the elders had rejected his plan, considering the butter-churn rocket to be too much like technology. But that wasn’t the only news Amos brought. Amos explained that, long ago, he and his wife had been trying to have a child for 14 years with no results…then one day, Amos went out into a field to pray for a son. A blue light streaked through the sky, and Amos followed the light to a little butter-churn with a baby inside. A baby whom he named Jacob.
TO BE CONTINUED…
After last week’s body-switching experience, Altair-9000 now had the mind of Abraham Lincoln. Altair/Lincoln delivered the Emancipation Proclamation to Jacob Fisher’s livestock, setting all the animals free. Jacob entered and argued that it was God’s plan for animals to be subjugated to human needs.
JACOB: “Cows are here to provide milk for people…and baby cows, but more importantly for people.”
Dr. Shika advised Edwina Prototype to choose between her android and human natures, telling her to “shit on the pot or get off.”
EDWINA: “What I wouldn’t give to shit! It’s so human! The most human acts of all, to shit and to cheat on one’s taxes.”
Needing further counseling, Edwina broke into a song entitled “What Would You Do, Dr. Shika? I Need Your Wisdom.” Dr. Shika told her to listen to her heart.
Steering the station with a wine cooler in one hand and champagne in the other, Commander Blanket suddenly noticed that his beehive had died of neglect, having been ignored since Episode 12. In his sorrow, Blanket reflected on all the other duties he’d failed, and swore to fulfill his promises to deliver the Amish people to Tuberon, help Altair find his four counterpart robots, and get Armageddon Uno laid three times in three weeks. Suddenly, Jacob Fisher’s father Amos Fisher entered the station, having built a spiral staircase into the sky. Amos explained his misgivings about Jacob’s plans to establish a new Amish homeworld. Commander Blanket offered to show Amos his son’s work so he could see Jacob’s sincerity.
Cody Gage’s true personality had returned to her body, while Dwayne McLifegiver (a.k.a. Dwayne Tomagachi, a.k.a. Angus McMurder) was now occupied by both his own personality and Altair’s. After Cody explained her plans to become a beauty professional after she goes back to Earth, they talked about how Dwayne/Altair’s dual personality would affect their relationship.
DWAYNE/ALTAIR: “It’s the best of both worlds! You get someone who wants to experience everything life has to offer…and someone who wants to destroy life. That’s a balance, I guess.”
As Armageddon Uno helped Jacob round up the emancipated livestock, Jacob explained the proper Amish was of slaughtering animals using the Amish martial art of Mish Fu. Jacob proceeded to give Armageddon a rather homoerotic-looking demonstration, while Commander Blanket and Amos Fisher looked on in horror.
Altair/Lincoln was wandering the hallways when Amos and Blanket walked by, still shocked by what they thought they had seen. Perplexed by the strange presidential figure, Amos shunned Altair/Lincoln once he realized he was a robot.
Still unsure of her future career path, Cody Gage scanned the classified ads for something she and Dwayne/Altair could do together. She found an offer to open a storage unit in Lawrenceville, getting paid 6.75 an hour just to live there and watch over the place. The Altair side of Dwayne’s persona balked at the idea, refusing to settle down in one place and give up all life’s experiences. As Altair searched for more exciting work, he discovered an ad from Dwayne’s brother, Heinous McMurder, seeking a new partner in crime. Dwayne was so enraged by his brother’s backstabbing ad that his fury displaced Altair’s personality. Altair returned to his own body just as Lincoln smashed a cane across Amos’ back.
Commander Blanket found Armageddon Uno in the hold. Blanket explained that he wasn’t happy with Spaceforce’s plans to reassign him as a PE teacher in Arizona, and asked if he could travel the universe together with Armageddon. Armageddon accepted the Commander’s request, saying that Blanket reminded him of his old monkey sidekick, Jim-Jim. Commander Blanket shared some bad news…while searching for the other Altair robots, he’d also found out what happened to Jim-Jim. Blanket asked Armageddon if he’d ever seen “Faces of Death.” Armageddon gleefully recalled the movie’s most gruesome moments, until he remembered the restaurant that served monkey brains.
Dr. Shika tended Amos Fisher’s injuries. Amos was initially shocked by the blue-skinned alien’s appearance, but his brutal punishment at Altair’s hands had convinced him not to judge others. Amos was impressed that Shika could fix his back chiropractically, using his hands instead of technology. As they conversed, Shika explained that his true name doesn’t translate into English, and he adopted the name “Shika” after watching Sammy Davis Jr. Shika whispered his real name to Amos, who recognized it as an Amish name. Amos revealed that he’d come to bring his son bad news…the Amish have rejected Jacob’s plan to lead them to a new homeworld.
Dwayne was in the commissary, readjusting to having complete control of his body once again. As Edwina entered and fixed him some Caribou Coffee, Dwayne told her that he now understood what it was like to live as a half-human, half-android. The conversation turned to Edwina’s memories of her own creator, G. Petto. Dwayne recognized the name as belonging to Gary Petto, an employee of the Yamamoto Corporation. Dwayne gave Edwina Dr. Petto’s address so that she could finally become fully human.
Cody Gage ran into Altair-9000, who was discarding his Lincoln outfit. Altair confessed that his experiences as both Dwayne and Lincoln had left him with complex, conflicted emotions about humanity.
CODY: “This isn’t going to be one of those split-personality things, is it? ’Cause I’ve had about enough of that.”
ALTAIR: “I was just gonna open up and tell you how I feel, but fuck you!”
And with that, Altair stormed out.
As Amos Fisher read Shika’s books on chiropractic, Jacob arrived. Amos told Jacob that the elders had rejected his plan, considering the butter-churn rocket to be too much like technology. But that wasn’t the only news Amos brought. Amos explained that, long ago, he and his wife had been trying to have a child for 14 years with no results…then one day, Amos went out into a field to pray for a son. A blue light streaked through the sky, and Amos followed the light to a little butter-churn with a baby inside. A baby whom he named Jacob.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Season 4, Episode 20: The Freakiest Friday of Them All
Episode 20: The Freakiest Friday of Them All
Commander James T. Blanket went to see Dr. Shika for a check-up after having grown slightly younger (thanks to Estrogena Nipplor’s sexual prowess). However, the check-up was just a pretext…Blanket really wanted to share some momentous news with Shika. Blanket revealed that Spaceforce would be launching the Keeton-3 station in three weeks. The Keeton-2 would be brought back to Earth and put on exhibit in the Cleveland Spaceatorium, and the crew will be reassigned. Blanket’s new job will be as a PE teacher in Arizona. Blanket and Shika resolved to do something meaningful before they’re grounded…like helping Jacob Fisher finish the butter-churn rocket.
Altair-9000 (who’d gone back to his original clunky construction) met the former Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder). “Former” because, since changing his evil ways, Dwayne had rechristened himself Dwayne McLifegiver. Dwayne told Altair that he now wanted to help children, since he couldn’t have any of his own. (His brother Heinous McMurder had cut off Dwayne’s balls so they wouldn’t distract him from evil.) They celebrated Dwayne’s new lease on life by singing a karaoke version of “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before.” Suddenly, Cody Gage entered, having been rescued from Pleasure-9 by her brother Armageddon Uno. When Dwayne learned that she’d gone down to search for him, he was touched that she had cared enough to do that. However, Cody was upset that Dwayne hadn’t tried to find her while she was stranded on the planet. Altair became equally upset by Dwayne’s treatment of her. As the emotional intensity of the scene peaked, suddenly, the three of them swapped personalities.
Edwina Prototype was sensually eating hot Krispy Kremes when Armageddon Uno entered and attempted to take advantage of her supine position. When Edwina rebuffed his advances, Armageddon advised her to sow her wild oats before her upcoming wedding to Jacob Fisher. He told her to experience as much as she could in order to feel alive, but she replied that she felt alive through Jacob’s love and warmth. Armageddon started to explain the difference between love and programming, but soon got tired of talk and grabbed her. As Edwina returned his passionate embrace, Jacob entered.
As the dust cleared from the personality-swap, Cody Gage (in Altair’s body) and Dwayne McLifegiver (in Cody’s) went to the observation deck. Dwayne/Cody suggested sex, but Cody/Altair didn’t think it was possible in her new body.
Simultaneously steering the station, whistling a tune, dancing a jig, and caressing a poster of Raquel Welch, Commander Blanket was contemplating his future as a PE teacher when Altair (in Dwayne’s body) rushed in. Altair/Dwayne explained the situation, then agreed to help Blanket fix Jacob’s rocket without letting him know technology was involved.
ALTAIR/DWAYNE: “I’ll do it…and I’ll feel the first real emotion I’ve ever felt!”
BLANKET: “Me, too.”
As Edwina & Armageddon wrapped up their lovemaking, Jacob finally got their attention by applauding.
JACOB: “Once again, Mr. Uno, thank you for being the prime source of my pain.”
Armageddon revealed that he had planned the whole thing as revenge for Jacob firing him from his farmhand position. First, he led Jacob’s daughter on a crime spree, and now he’s seduced Jacob’s fiancée. Armageddon mocked Jacob for being weak and not standing up for the things he loved. Jacob maintained his Amish composure, refusing to be provoked, but Armageddon observed that his passivity just proved his point. Suddenly, God spoke to Jacob, granting him the strength and power to smite his enemies.
JACOB: “Oh, Mr. Uno, I forgot one important point.”
And with that, Jacob slugged Armageddon.
After sex, Cody/Altair remarked that she didn’t feel anything at all in her new robot body…but that lack of feeling was exactly what she’d been trying to attain her whole life. Altair/Dwayne entered and explained his theory on how they switched bodies. When they were in contact, Altair wished that he could feel human emotions. Cody wished she were completely stoned. As for Dwayne, he just wanted some boiled beef.
His jaw having been knocked out of place by Jacob’s punch, Armageddon went to Dr. Shika to snap it back. When Shika mentioned that Armageddon’s new look reminded him of Sammy Davis Jr., they attempted a duet of “Mr. Bojangles.”
Commander Blanket concealed a nuclear-powered engine inside the butter-churn rocket. Altair/Dwayne entered and quickly finished the job. Having done something selfless, Altair/Dwayne was gripped by an unfamiliar sensation…joy. The emotion was so overpowering that Altair/Dwayne collapsed.
Drunk with power, Jacob told Edwina about God speaking to him and telling him to lead his people in the butter-churn rocket. God said that He would make the other Amish listen to Jacob, and told him that he’d find an endless supply of loaves and fishes in the barn. Getting back to discussing their relationship, Edwina tried to put a positive spin on her fling with Armageddon by pointing out that her mistake was a human failing. She explained (in song) that her entire existence had been a series of screw-ups. Jacob told her that he realized her feelings were indeed genuine, just like his had been.
EDWINA: “Ooh, I don’t like the past tense.”
Jacob explained that he was just a cog in God’s plans, and couldn’t allow his feelings to interfere with fulfilling his role. Edwina told Jacob that she loved him too much to stand in his way, but added that there’d always be snickerdoodles waiting for him in the commissary if he ever came back.
Cody/Altair and Dwayne/Cody went to see Dr. Shika, explaining their body-switching problem. Dwayne/Cody went up to one of Shika’s machines and punched in an order for boiled beef. Suddenly, Dwayne/Cody took on the personality of Edwina Prototype, and Cody/Altair became Abraham Lincoln.
Jacob entered the barn and noticed that somebody had been tinkering with the rocket, but didn’t see anything amiss. When the fully-functional rocket activated, Jacob dropped to his knees in gratitude. Armageddon Uno entered and apologized for everything he’d done to Jacob (“I’m a jerk. That’s the kind of guy I am.”). Armageddon offered to make up for his previous behavior by piloting the butter-churn rocket and taking Jacob’s people to Tuberon.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Commander James T. Blanket went to see Dr. Shika for a check-up after having grown slightly younger (thanks to Estrogena Nipplor’s sexual prowess). However, the check-up was just a pretext…Blanket really wanted to share some momentous news with Shika. Blanket revealed that Spaceforce would be launching the Keeton-3 station in three weeks. The Keeton-2 would be brought back to Earth and put on exhibit in the Cleveland Spaceatorium, and the crew will be reassigned. Blanket’s new job will be as a PE teacher in Arizona. Blanket and Shika resolved to do something meaningful before they’re grounded…like helping Jacob Fisher finish the butter-churn rocket.
Altair-9000 (who’d gone back to his original clunky construction) met the former Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder). “Former” because, since changing his evil ways, Dwayne had rechristened himself Dwayne McLifegiver. Dwayne told Altair that he now wanted to help children, since he couldn’t have any of his own. (His brother Heinous McMurder had cut off Dwayne’s balls so they wouldn’t distract him from evil.) They celebrated Dwayne’s new lease on life by singing a karaoke version of “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before.” Suddenly, Cody Gage entered, having been rescued from Pleasure-9 by her brother Armageddon Uno. When Dwayne learned that she’d gone down to search for him, he was touched that she had cared enough to do that. However, Cody was upset that Dwayne hadn’t tried to find her while she was stranded on the planet. Altair became equally upset by Dwayne’s treatment of her. As the emotional intensity of the scene peaked, suddenly, the three of them swapped personalities.
Edwina Prototype was sensually eating hot Krispy Kremes when Armageddon Uno entered and attempted to take advantage of her supine position. When Edwina rebuffed his advances, Armageddon advised her to sow her wild oats before her upcoming wedding to Jacob Fisher. He told her to experience as much as she could in order to feel alive, but she replied that she felt alive through Jacob’s love and warmth. Armageddon started to explain the difference between love and programming, but soon got tired of talk and grabbed her. As Edwina returned his passionate embrace, Jacob entered.
As the dust cleared from the personality-swap, Cody Gage (in Altair’s body) and Dwayne McLifegiver (in Cody’s) went to the observation deck. Dwayne/Cody suggested sex, but Cody/Altair didn’t think it was possible in her new body.
Simultaneously steering the station, whistling a tune, dancing a jig, and caressing a poster of Raquel Welch, Commander Blanket was contemplating his future as a PE teacher when Altair (in Dwayne’s body) rushed in. Altair/Dwayne explained the situation, then agreed to help Blanket fix Jacob’s rocket without letting him know technology was involved.
ALTAIR/DWAYNE: “I’ll do it…and I’ll feel the first real emotion I’ve ever felt!”
BLANKET: “Me, too.”
As Edwina & Armageddon wrapped up their lovemaking, Jacob finally got their attention by applauding.
JACOB: “Once again, Mr. Uno, thank you for being the prime source of my pain.”
Armageddon revealed that he had planned the whole thing as revenge for Jacob firing him from his farmhand position. First, he led Jacob’s daughter on a crime spree, and now he’s seduced Jacob’s fiancée. Armageddon mocked Jacob for being weak and not standing up for the things he loved. Jacob maintained his Amish composure, refusing to be provoked, but Armageddon observed that his passivity just proved his point. Suddenly, God spoke to Jacob, granting him the strength and power to smite his enemies.
JACOB: “Oh, Mr. Uno, I forgot one important point.”
And with that, Jacob slugged Armageddon.
After sex, Cody/Altair remarked that she didn’t feel anything at all in her new robot body…but that lack of feeling was exactly what she’d been trying to attain her whole life. Altair/Dwayne entered and explained his theory on how they switched bodies. When they were in contact, Altair wished that he could feel human emotions. Cody wished she were completely stoned. As for Dwayne, he just wanted some boiled beef.
His jaw having been knocked out of place by Jacob’s punch, Armageddon went to Dr. Shika to snap it back. When Shika mentioned that Armageddon’s new look reminded him of Sammy Davis Jr., they attempted a duet of “Mr. Bojangles.”
Commander Blanket concealed a nuclear-powered engine inside the butter-churn rocket. Altair/Dwayne entered and quickly finished the job. Having done something selfless, Altair/Dwayne was gripped by an unfamiliar sensation…joy. The emotion was so overpowering that Altair/Dwayne collapsed.
Drunk with power, Jacob told Edwina about God speaking to him and telling him to lead his people in the butter-churn rocket. God said that He would make the other Amish listen to Jacob, and told him that he’d find an endless supply of loaves and fishes in the barn. Getting back to discussing their relationship, Edwina tried to put a positive spin on her fling with Armageddon by pointing out that her mistake was a human failing. She explained (in song) that her entire existence had been a series of screw-ups. Jacob told her that he realized her feelings were indeed genuine, just like his had been.
EDWINA: “Ooh, I don’t like the past tense.”
Jacob explained that he was just a cog in God’s plans, and couldn’t allow his feelings to interfere with fulfilling his role. Edwina told Jacob that she loved him too much to stand in his way, but added that there’d always be snickerdoodles waiting for him in the commissary if he ever came back.
Cody/Altair and Dwayne/Cody went to see Dr. Shika, explaining their body-switching problem. Dwayne/Cody went up to one of Shika’s machines and punched in an order for boiled beef. Suddenly, Dwayne/Cody took on the personality of Edwina Prototype, and Cody/Altair became Abraham Lincoln.
Jacob entered the barn and noticed that somebody had been tinkering with the rocket, but didn’t see anything amiss. When the fully-functional rocket activated, Jacob dropped to his knees in gratitude. Armageddon Uno entered and apologized for everything he’d done to Jacob (“I’m a jerk. That’s the kind of guy I am.”). Armageddon offered to make up for his previous behavior by piloting the butter-churn rocket and taking Jacob’s people to Tuberon.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, November 21, 2008
Season 4, Episode 19: McMurder No More
Episode 19: McMurder No More
Revitalized by having constant sex with the Pleasure-9 she-bot Estrogena Nipplor, Commander Blanket had regressed to fratboy age. He brought her aboard the Keeton-2, promising her that he’d leave his command to be with her. He offered to put on some KISS records, but she was not impressed.
Back on the surface of Pleasure-9, Altair-9000 and Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) were reunited after being on their own for two weeks. In that time, Altair had found inner peace in the beauty of nature, while Dwayne had simply gone insane.
Edwina Prototype tinkered with the butter-churn rocket while Jacob Fisher was away on Earth searching for their daughter Scoopella. Dr. Shika entered, and Edwina confessed her doubts that Jacob really loved her. Shika pointed out that she obviously must still have feelings for Jacob, or else she wouldn’t be working on his invention.
On board the Chicken Hawk, Armageddon Uno was surprised to see Darren Johnson…partly because he wasn’t expecting any visitors, but mainly because Darren was stabbed to death in Episode 16. Darren explained that his body had been jettisoned into space and made its way to Pleasure-9, where he was “sexed back to life” by Estrogena. When Darren discovered that she had taken one of his testicles even as she restored his life, he swore to rescue Commander Blanket from Estrogena’s clutches.
Estrogena Nipplor and Edwina Prototype met and immediately recognized each other as sister she-bots. Estrogena remarked that she never expected to see another of her kind, as all her people were wiped out. Edwina accused Estrogena of doing the “wiping out” herself, but Estrogena explained that the everyone else on Pleasure-9 had actually succumbed to an allergy to cheap cologne. Edwina apologized for her initial hostility, and they sat down for some she-bot bonding.
Searching for Estrogena, Armageddon & Darren discovered Commander Blanket, now regressed to a teenager.
ARMAGEDDON: “You better stop bangin’ that broad, or you’ll be in the womb in twenty minutes!”
Altair and Dwayne made their way back to the station via a rope ladder. Dwayne talked to a basketball and reminisced about the hut he made from his own feces when he was alone on Pleasure-9. Altair tried to get Dwayne to snap back to his old self.
Dr. Shika examined the teenaged Commander Blanket while a tense and edgy Armageddon Uno stood guard.
SHIKA: “Commander, I’m a little concerned right now because NOBODY’S STEERING THE SHIP!”
Shika checked the station’s computers to track down Estrogena Nipplor. When Shika mispronounced her name, Armageddon threatened to kill him. That’s how tense and edgy he was.
Edwina and Estrogena got drunk and talked about their lives. When Edwina mentioned her daughter Scoopella, Estrogena was amazed that Edwina had delivered her the old-fashioned way (“It came out of your hoo-hah?”) instead of using a birthing pod. Estrogena envied Edwina for having a real relationship and real childbirth, then revealed that she’d like to have those experiences herself…with Darren Johnson.
Altair-9000 brought Dwayne Tomagachi to see Dr. Shika. As Shika examined Dwayne, Dwayne started mimicking the doctor. As he and Dwayne spoke in one voice, Shika diagnosed Dwayne’s madness as the result of malnutrition. Dr. Shika gave Dwayne a can of beans for protein, and Dwayne was soon restored to his old self.
DWAYNE: “Dr. Shika! You actually prescribed something that worked!”
Darren and Armageddon finally found Estrogena in the hallway. Darren and Estrogena were very happy to see each other, but Commander Blanket (restored to his proper age) entered and warned Darren that he was in danger of going from simple sex to a full-blown relationship. Estrogena asked if it was a bad time to mention she wanted a baby.
Dwayne was in the commissary when a drunken Edwina entered, looking for someone to commiserate with.
EDWINA: “Are you evil, or can I talk to you?”
DWAYNE: “Look at the goatee! I’m obviously evil!”
Nevertheless, Edwina poured out her heart about Scoopella’s rampage, and they sang a duet about the difficulties of raising children.
Altair was recharging when Estrogena came in. She told Altair how her entire family had been killed by Old Spice, but that she wanted to form a new family with Darren Johnson. Altair offered to help her serenade him.
Darren confessed that he was starting to develop genuine feelings for Estrogena. Commander Blanket warned him against wild, sexy women, suggesting that he find a woman he could be friends with instead. Just then, Dr. Shika rushed in and told them where Estrogena was.
Edwina was showing pictures of Scoopella to Dwayne. Dwayne was touched by the domestic scenes, and confessed that he’d always wanted children, but his brother Heinous always said they’d get in the way of their criminal career. He explained that he’d wanted to kidnap her baby for this reason, and not just so he could breed an android army. Edwina told Dwayne that he could give up his evil ways, adopt some children, and build a future with Cody Gage.
DWAYNE: “I don’t have to be a McMurder! I can be a McLiver! A McLifegiver!”
While looking for Estrogena, the search party got distracted by the holodeck, setting it to the pirate and Rodney Dangerfield programs. Estrogena entered and recognized Dr. Shika. She showed Shika the blue testicle from her collection…the one she inherited from her mother. She revealed that her mother had taken it from Shika’s father when he was stranded on Pleasure-9…meaning that Estrogena was Shika’s half-sister!
Altair-9000 found Darren and told him that Estrogena liked him. Darren was thrilled by the news. The search party and Estrogena entered, and the lovers had a happy reunion. Dr. Shika made an honest woman of his sister by performing a wedding ceremony. The newlyweds got into an escape pod and were jettisoned off to the planet Honeymoon-5.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Revitalized by having constant sex with the Pleasure-9 she-bot Estrogena Nipplor, Commander Blanket had regressed to fratboy age. He brought her aboard the Keeton-2, promising her that he’d leave his command to be with her. He offered to put on some KISS records, but she was not impressed.
Back on the surface of Pleasure-9, Altair-9000 and Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) were reunited after being on their own for two weeks. In that time, Altair had found inner peace in the beauty of nature, while Dwayne had simply gone insane.
Edwina Prototype tinkered with the butter-churn rocket while Jacob Fisher was away on Earth searching for their daughter Scoopella. Dr. Shika entered, and Edwina confessed her doubts that Jacob really loved her. Shika pointed out that she obviously must still have feelings for Jacob, or else she wouldn’t be working on his invention.
On board the Chicken Hawk, Armageddon Uno was surprised to see Darren Johnson…partly because he wasn’t expecting any visitors, but mainly because Darren was stabbed to death in Episode 16. Darren explained that his body had been jettisoned into space and made its way to Pleasure-9, where he was “sexed back to life” by Estrogena. When Darren discovered that she had taken one of his testicles even as she restored his life, he swore to rescue Commander Blanket from Estrogena’s clutches.
Estrogena Nipplor and Edwina Prototype met and immediately recognized each other as sister she-bots. Estrogena remarked that she never expected to see another of her kind, as all her people were wiped out. Edwina accused Estrogena of doing the “wiping out” herself, but Estrogena explained that the everyone else on Pleasure-9 had actually succumbed to an allergy to cheap cologne. Edwina apologized for her initial hostility, and they sat down for some she-bot bonding.
Searching for Estrogena, Armageddon & Darren discovered Commander Blanket, now regressed to a teenager.
ARMAGEDDON: “You better stop bangin’ that broad, or you’ll be in the womb in twenty minutes!”
Altair and Dwayne made their way back to the station via a rope ladder. Dwayne talked to a basketball and reminisced about the hut he made from his own feces when he was alone on Pleasure-9. Altair tried to get Dwayne to snap back to his old self.
Dr. Shika examined the teenaged Commander Blanket while a tense and edgy Armageddon Uno stood guard.
SHIKA: “Commander, I’m a little concerned right now because NOBODY’S STEERING THE SHIP!”
Shika checked the station’s computers to track down Estrogena Nipplor. When Shika mispronounced her name, Armageddon threatened to kill him. That’s how tense and edgy he was.
Edwina and Estrogena got drunk and talked about their lives. When Edwina mentioned her daughter Scoopella, Estrogena was amazed that Edwina had delivered her the old-fashioned way (“It came out of your hoo-hah?”) instead of using a birthing pod. Estrogena envied Edwina for having a real relationship and real childbirth, then revealed that she’d like to have those experiences herself…with Darren Johnson.
Altair-9000 brought Dwayne Tomagachi to see Dr. Shika. As Shika examined Dwayne, Dwayne started mimicking the doctor. As he and Dwayne spoke in one voice, Shika diagnosed Dwayne’s madness as the result of malnutrition. Dr. Shika gave Dwayne a can of beans for protein, and Dwayne was soon restored to his old self.
DWAYNE: “Dr. Shika! You actually prescribed something that worked!”
Darren and Armageddon finally found Estrogena in the hallway. Darren and Estrogena were very happy to see each other, but Commander Blanket (restored to his proper age) entered and warned Darren that he was in danger of going from simple sex to a full-blown relationship. Estrogena asked if it was a bad time to mention she wanted a baby.
Dwayne was in the commissary when a drunken Edwina entered, looking for someone to commiserate with.
EDWINA: “Are you evil, or can I talk to you?”
DWAYNE: “Look at the goatee! I’m obviously evil!”
Nevertheless, Edwina poured out her heart about Scoopella’s rampage, and they sang a duet about the difficulties of raising children.
Altair was recharging when Estrogena came in. She told Altair how her entire family had been killed by Old Spice, but that she wanted to form a new family with Darren Johnson. Altair offered to help her serenade him.
Darren confessed that he was starting to develop genuine feelings for Estrogena. Commander Blanket warned him against wild, sexy women, suggesting that he find a woman he could be friends with instead. Just then, Dr. Shika rushed in and told them where Estrogena was.
Edwina was showing pictures of Scoopella to Dwayne. Dwayne was touched by the domestic scenes, and confessed that he’d always wanted children, but his brother Heinous always said they’d get in the way of their criminal career. He explained that he’d wanted to kidnap her baby for this reason, and not just so he could breed an android army. Edwina told Dwayne that he could give up his evil ways, adopt some children, and build a future with Cody Gage.
DWAYNE: “I don’t have to be a McMurder! I can be a McLiver! A McLifegiver!”
While looking for Estrogena, the search party got distracted by the holodeck, setting it to the pirate and Rodney Dangerfield programs. Estrogena entered and recognized Dr. Shika. She showed Shika the blue testicle from her collection…the one she inherited from her mother. She revealed that her mother had taken it from Shika’s father when he was stranded on Pleasure-9…meaning that Estrogena was Shika’s half-sister!
Altair-9000 found Darren and told him that Estrogena liked him. Darren was thrilled by the news. The search party and Estrogena entered, and the lovers had a happy reunion. Dr. Shika made an honest woman of his sister by performing a wedding ceremony. The newlyweds got into an escape pod and were jettisoned off to the planet Honeymoon-5.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Season 4, Episode 17: Raising Scoopella
Episode 17: Raising Scoopella
Cody Gage was looking over some old love notes from her boyfriend Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder). Dwayne entered, informing her that he was still going down to Pleasure-9 despite last week’s disastrous briefing session. Dwayne mentioned that his brother, Heinous McMurder, had disappeared after they killed Darren Johnson. Dwayne feared that the carbonade freezing had caused his bloodthirsty twin to develop a conscience. Cody told Dwayne that nobody had ever cared for her strongly enough to kill somebody over her. They sang a karaoke duet of Meat Loaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love.”
Jacob was teaching his “daughter” Scoopella (who was now physically and emotionally 11 years old, thanks to her half-android growth rate) about life on the farm. He started telling her the story of Noah’s ark, comparing it to his own calling to lead the Amish into space in his butter-churn rocket. Scoopella just couldn’t get past the oxymoron of Amish astronauts. When Jacob gave her a little monkey bookmark he had made, Scoopella lashed out at the childish gift. Jacob exclaimed that Edwina must have poisoned Scoopella against his Amish ways.
Commander Blanket told Altair-9000 he was worried about the upcoming mission to Pleasure-9, then illustrated his fears through modern dance. Afterwards, Blanket told Altair that the McMurder brothers were too evil to live, and instructed the robot to make sure they don’t make it back.
ALTAIR: “All right, sir. I’ve killed before…out of sheer stupidity.”
BLANKET: “So have I. That’s why I can talk to you.”
Blanket explained that Altair’s soft dough-filled mitts could be heated in an oven until they harden into deadly weapons (“but not too long, or they’ll get brittle & fall off”).
Edwina Prototype and Armageddon Uno were shopping for fish and discussing Scoopella. Edwina worried that Jacob was going too far in raising her in the Amish tradition. Armageddon suggested that he talk to Scoopella and encourage her to be herself. (Incidentally, Armageddon’s right hand was grotesquely swollen from a recurring after-effect of an old trip to Chlamydia-6…but let’s not get into that.)
As Commander Blanket began briefing the away team, Altair couldn’t resist nibbling on his baked cookie-hands.
Jacob was lecturing Scoopella about humility when Armageddon Uno arrived and told Jacob Edwina wanted to see him. Once they were alone, Armageddon asked Scoopella if she enjoyed being Amish. She didn’t. Scoopella told him that she wanted to go to Earth. Armageddon replied that he was going to take her to the greatest city on the planet, and launched into a stirring speech on the wonders of Detroit, Michigan.
Arriving on Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket was surprised to find that the planet, usually populated by gorgeous women, was completely deserted. The explorers discovered “The Diary of Fan Bank” and learned that an evil force had invaded the place. Altair (now one-handed) sensed something approaching.
After a brief stop at the medical center to take care of his hand, Armageddon headed to Earth with Scoopella. He noticed that the girl was developing a real attitude, and realized that she must’ve just hit puberty.
Cody Gage found the “Back in 15 Minutes” note that Commander Blanket left on the bridge.
Edwina told Jacob that she’d asked Armageddon to babysit Scoopella so they could have a romantic evening. Then she abruptly demanded sex. Jacob insisted that he couldn’t “soil” Edwina again until they were married. When Edwina realized that Jacob wasn’t giving in this time, she arranged to have the ceremony right away.
On Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket sent Dwayne Tomagachi to scout out the scene. Immediately afterwards, Blanket ordered Altair to follow Dwayne and kill him (warning the robot not to eat his other hand before finishing the job).
Just as it dawned on Cody that the note didn’t say when the 15 minutes started, Edwina rushed in, looking for Commander Blanket so he could perform the wedding. Checking the monitors, Edwina discovered that the Commander was on Pleasure-9, and that Armageddon had taken Scoopella to Detroit in the Chicken Hawk. Her maternal instincts kicking into overdrive, Edwina started steering the station back to Earth.
In Detroit, Armageddon & Scoopella were playing basketball when they got involved in a drive-by shooting. Armageddon handed Scoopella his gun. She returned fire and liked it. Armageddon decided to give Scoopella more kicks by taking her to rob a casino.
Jacob arrived on the bridge and found Edwina at the helm. When Edwina explained that Armageddon had taken their daughter to Detroit, Jacob was filled with horror.
EDWINA: “Calm down! It’s all right!”
JACOB: “It’s NOT all right! It’s NEVER all right in Detroit!”
Jacob confessed that Detroit was the site of his youthful indiscretions…the place where he saw “The Crying Game.” On the monitors, they saw Armageddon and Scoopella making their getaway from the robbery, guns a-blazin’.
As Altair grabbed Dwayne, Commander Blanket realized that the station was no longer circling Pleasure-9. He called off the attack, explaining that they may need Dwayne alive while they’re stranded there. Checking the supplies, they discovered that the only food they had was Altair’s cookie-dough hands.
TO BE CONTINUED….
Cody Gage was looking over some old love notes from her boyfriend Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder). Dwayne entered, informing her that he was still going down to Pleasure-9 despite last week’s disastrous briefing session. Dwayne mentioned that his brother, Heinous McMurder, had disappeared after they killed Darren Johnson. Dwayne feared that the carbonade freezing had caused his bloodthirsty twin to develop a conscience. Cody told Dwayne that nobody had ever cared for her strongly enough to kill somebody over her. They sang a karaoke duet of Meat Loaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love.”
Jacob was teaching his “daughter” Scoopella (who was now physically and emotionally 11 years old, thanks to her half-android growth rate) about life on the farm. He started telling her the story of Noah’s ark, comparing it to his own calling to lead the Amish into space in his butter-churn rocket. Scoopella just couldn’t get past the oxymoron of Amish astronauts. When Jacob gave her a little monkey bookmark he had made, Scoopella lashed out at the childish gift. Jacob exclaimed that Edwina must have poisoned Scoopella against his Amish ways.
Commander Blanket told Altair-9000 he was worried about the upcoming mission to Pleasure-9, then illustrated his fears through modern dance. Afterwards, Blanket told Altair that the McMurder brothers were too evil to live, and instructed the robot to make sure they don’t make it back.
ALTAIR: “All right, sir. I’ve killed before…out of sheer stupidity.”
BLANKET: “So have I. That’s why I can talk to you.”
Blanket explained that Altair’s soft dough-filled mitts could be heated in an oven until they harden into deadly weapons (“but not too long, or they’ll get brittle & fall off”).
Edwina Prototype and Armageddon Uno were shopping for fish and discussing Scoopella. Edwina worried that Jacob was going too far in raising her in the Amish tradition. Armageddon suggested that he talk to Scoopella and encourage her to be herself. (Incidentally, Armageddon’s right hand was grotesquely swollen from a recurring after-effect of an old trip to Chlamydia-6…but let’s not get into that.)
As Commander Blanket began briefing the away team, Altair couldn’t resist nibbling on his baked cookie-hands.
Jacob was lecturing Scoopella about humility when Armageddon Uno arrived and told Jacob Edwina wanted to see him. Once they were alone, Armageddon asked Scoopella if she enjoyed being Amish. She didn’t. Scoopella told him that she wanted to go to Earth. Armageddon replied that he was going to take her to the greatest city on the planet, and launched into a stirring speech on the wonders of Detroit, Michigan.
Arriving on Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket was surprised to find that the planet, usually populated by gorgeous women, was completely deserted. The explorers discovered “The Diary of Fan Bank” and learned that an evil force had invaded the place. Altair (now one-handed) sensed something approaching.
After a brief stop at the medical center to take care of his hand, Armageddon headed to Earth with Scoopella. He noticed that the girl was developing a real attitude, and realized that she must’ve just hit puberty.
Cody Gage found the “Back in 15 Minutes” note that Commander Blanket left on the bridge.
Edwina told Jacob that she’d asked Armageddon to babysit Scoopella so they could have a romantic evening. Then she abruptly demanded sex. Jacob insisted that he couldn’t “soil” Edwina again until they were married. When Edwina realized that Jacob wasn’t giving in this time, she arranged to have the ceremony right away.
On Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket sent Dwayne Tomagachi to scout out the scene. Immediately afterwards, Blanket ordered Altair to follow Dwayne and kill him (warning the robot not to eat his other hand before finishing the job).
Just as it dawned on Cody that the note didn’t say when the 15 minutes started, Edwina rushed in, looking for Commander Blanket so he could perform the wedding. Checking the monitors, Edwina discovered that the Commander was on Pleasure-9, and that Armageddon had taken Scoopella to Detroit in the Chicken Hawk. Her maternal instincts kicking into overdrive, Edwina started steering the station back to Earth.
In Detroit, Armageddon & Scoopella were playing basketball when they got involved in a drive-by shooting. Armageddon handed Scoopella his gun. She returned fire and liked it. Armageddon decided to give Scoopella more kicks by taking her to rob a casino.
Jacob arrived on the bridge and found Edwina at the helm. When Edwina explained that Armageddon had taken their daughter to Detroit, Jacob was filled with horror.
EDWINA: “Calm down! It’s all right!”
JACOB: “It’s NOT all right! It’s NEVER all right in Detroit!”
Jacob confessed that Detroit was the site of his youthful indiscretions…the place where he saw “The Crying Game.” On the monitors, they saw Armageddon and Scoopella making their getaway from the robbery, guns a-blazin’.
As Altair grabbed Dwayne, Commander Blanket realized that the station was no longer circling Pleasure-9. He called off the attack, explaining that they may need Dwayne alive while they’re stranded there. Checking the supplies, they discovered that the only food they had was Altair’s cookie-dough hands.
TO BE CONTINUED….
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Season 4, Episode 16: Altair Cookiehands
Episode 16: Altair Cookiehands
As the station approached Pleasure-9, Commander James T. Blanket was having nightmares about the crew dying horribly on the planet.
Edwina & Jacob held the newborn Scoopella. Edwina warned Jacob that her half-android nature would cause the baby to grow up very quickly. When Jacob mentioned that he’d be raising Scoopella in the Amish tradition, Edwina was upset that he hadn’t included her in such an important decision. She told Jacob that, whatever the actual parentage may be, they had to think of her as THEIR daughter.
Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) held Armageddon Uno prisoner, forcing him to watch reruns of “Golden Girls.” Releasing Armageddon from the force field, Dwayne admitted that his heart hadn’t been in his evil plans since falling in love with Armageddon’s sister Cody Gage.
DWAYNE: “There’s a certain purity about her…that stoned naiveté…”
Armageddon offered to swear a blood oath with Dwayne, promising that he wouldn’t give Dwayne away if Dwayne would look after Cody. Dwayne agreed, on the condition that Armageddon take a blood test first.
Cody was explaining her duties to Dwayne’s twin brother Heinous McMurder. The conversation turned to Cody’s engagement to Dwayne/Angus, and Heinous revealed that the last girl Angus had been engaged to had broken his heart. Cody gave a more-than-usually incoherent reply involving Dr. Laura, but the gist of it was that she would never do that to Dwayne. Cody and Heinous hugged, despite Heinous’ difficulty expressing himself non-violently.
Commander Blanket met Darren Johnson, the winner of a radio contest to visit the space station. Blanket suddenly realized that he didn’t need to risk his crew’s lives on Pleasure-9 when he could sacrifice an innocent civilian instead. He offered to put Darren through a rigorous training montage.
Wracked with guilt over killing Scoop, Altair-9000 had replaced his hands with dough-filled oven mitts to make sure he couldn’t hurt anyone again. Dr. Shika talked with Altair about his grief, then gave the robot a copy of Judy Blume’s “Super Fudge” to help him with these difficult feelings.
Darren Johnson’s training montage began.
Cody and Edwina went over the plans for Edwina’s wedding to Jacob. When Cody started crying about wanting a wedding of her own, Edwina assured her that “happiness begets happiness,” and her own wedding might just follow. Cody told Edwina about her fiancé, but her description was so garbled that Edwina didn’t realize she was talking about Dwayne Tomagachi. Cody sang a peppy upbeat song about her relationship.
The training montage concluded.
BLANKET: “All right! You’ve learned how to attract, kiss, seduce, push aside, kill, and seduce women.”
Darren confessed that he’d never had much time for women due to his work as producer of the horror movies Retarded Death-Stalkers I through III. As the atonal screams of the people of Retardo-Montalban 6 echoed through his head, Blanket urged Darren to stop exploiting special-needs people, and instead make films to help them. Darren was inspired to develop two new ideas: Retarded Flower Girl and Retarded Driving Instructor.
That night, Commander Blanket had an even more disturbing, inexplicable nightmare involving a naked Blue Man (not to be confused with Blue Man Group or Dr. Shika).
Cody and Darren talked shop about the station’s engines. Darren tried his newly-learned seduction techniques on Cody.
DARREN: “There’s three types of girls in this world. There’s fine-looking girls, there’s finer-looking girls, and, well, there’s the finest-looking girl!”
The McMurder brothers waited to ambush Commander Blanket on the bridge. Ensign Boggess entered and was immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Blanket arrived and found the crewman murdered, just like in his nightmare. As Dwayne spun the station’s steering wheel out of control, Ensign Armit entered and was (you guessed it) immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Commander Blanket told the brothers that the station wasn’t even orbiting Earth anymore, but had arrived at Pleasure-9.
BLANKET: “If you love evil, you’ll love a planet full of women.”
As Jacob cradled Scoopella, Armageddon Uno came in, still holding a grudge. Armageddon’s anger subsided when he saw the baby. Jacob gave Armageddon a Bible Bar (“Based on a recipe from Deuteronomy 8:8”) to celebrate the birth. After taking a bite, Armageddon quickly “fed” his chewed-up mouthful to Scoopella.
Commander Blanket held a staff meeting, while Jacob handed out Bible Bars to everybody. (The Commander gave his own bar to Darren as part of his “training.”) From their hiding spot behind the computer, the McMurder brothers saw Darren flirting with Cody. Blanket informed everybody about the dangerous mission to Pleasure-9, explaining that the away team would consist of the McMurders and Darren Johnson—the most expendable people on board. As Cody pleaded for Dwayne to stay safely on board, a fight broke out between Dwayne and Darren. Altair tried to intervene, but his dough-hands were useless. Heinous McMurder brought the fight to an end by stabbing Darren.
TO BE CONTINUED…
As the station approached Pleasure-9, Commander James T. Blanket was having nightmares about the crew dying horribly on the planet.
Edwina & Jacob held the newborn Scoopella. Edwina warned Jacob that her half-android nature would cause the baby to grow up very quickly. When Jacob mentioned that he’d be raising Scoopella in the Amish tradition, Edwina was upset that he hadn’t included her in such an important decision. She told Jacob that, whatever the actual parentage may be, they had to think of her as THEIR daughter.
Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) held Armageddon Uno prisoner, forcing him to watch reruns of “Golden Girls.” Releasing Armageddon from the force field, Dwayne admitted that his heart hadn’t been in his evil plans since falling in love with Armageddon’s sister Cody Gage.
DWAYNE: “There’s a certain purity about her…that stoned naiveté…”
Armageddon offered to swear a blood oath with Dwayne, promising that he wouldn’t give Dwayne away if Dwayne would look after Cody. Dwayne agreed, on the condition that Armageddon take a blood test first.
Cody was explaining her duties to Dwayne’s twin brother Heinous McMurder. The conversation turned to Cody’s engagement to Dwayne/Angus, and Heinous revealed that the last girl Angus had been engaged to had broken his heart. Cody gave a more-than-usually incoherent reply involving Dr. Laura, but the gist of it was that she would never do that to Dwayne. Cody and Heinous hugged, despite Heinous’ difficulty expressing himself non-violently.
Commander Blanket met Darren Johnson, the winner of a radio contest to visit the space station. Blanket suddenly realized that he didn’t need to risk his crew’s lives on Pleasure-9 when he could sacrifice an innocent civilian instead. He offered to put Darren through a rigorous training montage.
Wracked with guilt over killing Scoop, Altair-9000 had replaced his hands with dough-filled oven mitts to make sure he couldn’t hurt anyone again. Dr. Shika talked with Altair about his grief, then gave the robot a copy of Judy Blume’s “Super Fudge” to help him with these difficult feelings.
Darren Johnson’s training montage began.
Cody and Edwina went over the plans for Edwina’s wedding to Jacob. When Cody started crying about wanting a wedding of her own, Edwina assured her that “happiness begets happiness,” and her own wedding might just follow. Cody told Edwina about her fiancé, but her description was so garbled that Edwina didn’t realize she was talking about Dwayne Tomagachi. Cody sang a peppy upbeat song about her relationship.
The training montage concluded.
BLANKET: “All right! You’ve learned how to attract, kiss, seduce, push aside, kill, and seduce women.”
Darren confessed that he’d never had much time for women due to his work as producer of the horror movies Retarded Death-Stalkers I through III. As the atonal screams of the people of Retardo-Montalban 6 echoed through his head, Blanket urged Darren to stop exploiting special-needs people, and instead make films to help them. Darren was inspired to develop two new ideas: Retarded Flower Girl and Retarded Driving Instructor.
That night, Commander Blanket had an even more disturbing, inexplicable nightmare involving a naked Blue Man (not to be confused with Blue Man Group or Dr. Shika).
Cody and Darren talked shop about the station’s engines. Darren tried his newly-learned seduction techniques on Cody.
DARREN: “There’s three types of girls in this world. There’s fine-looking girls, there’s finer-looking girls, and, well, there’s the finest-looking girl!”
The McMurder brothers waited to ambush Commander Blanket on the bridge. Ensign Boggess entered and was immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Blanket arrived and found the crewman murdered, just like in his nightmare. As Dwayne spun the station’s steering wheel out of control, Ensign Armit entered and was (you guessed it) immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Commander Blanket told the brothers that the station wasn’t even orbiting Earth anymore, but had arrived at Pleasure-9.
BLANKET: “If you love evil, you’ll love a planet full of women.”
As Jacob cradled Scoopella, Armageddon Uno came in, still holding a grudge. Armageddon’s anger subsided when he saw the baby. Jacob gave Armageddon a Bible Bar (“Based on a recipe from Deuteronomy 8:8”) to celebrate the birth. After taking a bite, Armageddon quickly “fed” his chewed-up mouthful to Scoopella.
Commander Blanket held a staff meeting, while Jacob handed out Bible Bars to everybody. (The Commander gave his own bar to Darren as part of his “training.”) From their hiding spot behind the computer, the McMurder brothers saw Darren flirting with Cody. Blanket informed everybody about the dangerous mission to Pleasure-9, explaining that the away team would consist of the McMurders and Darren Johnson—the most expendable people on board. As Cody pleaded for Dwayne to stay safely on board, a fight broke out between Dwayne and Darren. Altair tried to intervene, but his dough-hands were useless. Heinous McMurder brought the fight to an end by stabbing Darren.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, November 17, 2008
Season 4, Episode 15: Death and Birth
Introducing Matt Stanton as Heinous McMurder...talked about since episode 1, and now finally making his appearance!
Episode 15: Death and Birth
In the barn, Jacob apologized to Bessie the cow for injecting her with heroin. A randy Edwina entered, impatient to have sex before the babies arrive and keep them too busy to consummate their relationship. Overhearing that Edwina needed help, Altair rushed in to assist in the delivery, but Edwina sent him away snappishly. Edwina hinted about the kind of “help” she needed. When that failed to persuade Jacob, Edwina seduced him with a sexy striptease.
Cody Gage and Dwayne Tomagachi/Angus McMurder giddily strolled through the station. Dwayne confessed that he felt bad about his failure to take over the station, as that was the first time one of his evil plans didn’t work. Dwayne marveled that he hadn’t been caught yet, but Cody explained that that was because he was hanging out with her, and most people avoid her.
Dr. Shika gave Armageddon Uno a rickets test before Armageddon sets off on his own adventures. Armageddon asked Shika to keep an eye out for his monkey Jim-Jim in case Jim-Jim was grooming bugs off of children on Guano-9. When Shika explained that his people secrete a natural insect repellent, Armageddon asked the doctor to put those secretions to work and give him a colon exam.
At the helm, Commander Blanket suddenly realized that, even though they’d squashed Dwayne’s plans to conquer the station for the Yamamoto Corporation, the station was still called the Healthy Happy Puff Puff Cigarette.com Space Station. Blanket made a note to change the name back to the Keeton-2. Altair-9000 entered, and Blanket forgave him for being part of Dwayne’s plan. He asked Altair to help him steer the station to the planet Pleasure-9.
BLANKET: “I need a navigation person. There’s probably a term for that, but I’m not sure what it is.”
ALTAIR: “It’s ‘navigator.’”
BLANKET: “I like the way you think.”
Blanket mentioned that Scoop Quasar hadn’t collected his last paycheck, and Altair casually explained that he’d snapped Scoop’s neck to cure his drug habit. Altair didn’t understand why Blanket was so shocked, and suggested that they just reboot Scoop and get him up and running again. When Blanket explained that people don’t work that way, Altair realized what he’d done and ran off.
In his secret Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, Dwayne Tomagachi discovered that the “defreezination chamber” was open. Suddenly, Dwayne’s brother Heinous McMurder finally emerged from his suspended animation and greeted his sibling. They swore revenge on Commander Blanket and Armageddon Uno. When Dwayne theorized that the monkey Jim-Jim had helped Armageddon capture Heinous, Heinous implied that he’d already taken care of Jim-Jim at one of those exotic restaurants that serve monkey brains. To celebrate their reunion, the McMurder brothers sang a karaoke version of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
In the barn, Jacob and Edwina basked in the afterglow of their first sexual encounter. Although he was thrilled and amazed by the experience, Jacob was concerned that it might affect Edwina’s pregnancy.
EDWINA: “What, do you think I’m gonna get MORE pregnant?”
Edwina revealed that she was actually LESS pregnant now, since the quadruplets had fused themselves back into one baby. Suddenly, Edwina went into labor.
Dwayne/Angus introduced his brother to his girlfriend Cody Gage. Suddenly, Armageddon Uno entered to bid farewell to his sister Cody. The old enemies were surprised to see each other. When Heinous sarcastically asked Armageddon where Jim-Jim was, Armageddon explained that he had traded him to a prostitute on Pleasure-9. Armageddon questioned Cody about her “banging” Dwayne.
DWAYNE: “Are you disparaging this woman’s honor?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Hell no! I banged her too!”
[awkward pause]
CODY: “See, we didn’t KNOW we were brother & sister at the time…”
As Edwina’s labor continued, Altair rushed in, screaming in guilt and despair over having killed Scoop with “these hands! THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!”
Dr. Shika was called to assist in the delivery, STAT!
Mourning over Scoop’s body, Commander Blanket wondered how he was going to explain to Scoop’s parents.
Armageddon informed Heinous McMurder that he’d gotten him off the hook with Mr. Beauregard. When Armageddon asked Heinous why he hadn’t carried out the contract on Beauregard’s wife, Heinous replied that he had a way with the ladies.
ARMAGEDDON: “You put it in that potato-woman?”
HEINOUS: “The eyes have it!”
The McMurder brothers and the Gage/Uno siblings grudgingly decided to call a truce since they were “almost” family.
Altair continued shrieking “THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!” Edwina reassured him that his guilt and suffering meant that he was developing human feelings (even though that was small consolation for the consequences of his actions). Suddenly, the contractions started again.
Armageddon, Cody & the McMurder brothers bonded over a barbecue. Dwayne assured Heinous that his love for Cody wouldn’t break up their team. As Armageddon prepared to leave, Dwayne asked Armageddon not to reveal anything he’d learned here. When Armageddon replied that his silence had a price, Dwayne pulled a gun on him.
Dr. Shika arrived and helped with the delivery. Suddenly, the baby (whom Edwina had decided to name “Scoop”) came out with such force that it was launched through the air. Altair safely caught the baby and tenderly handed it over to the happy parents.
ALTAIR: “You know how I caught that thing? With THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!”
Commander Blanket contacted Scoop’s parents and hesitantly informed them of their son’s death. As the Quasars cried uncontrollably, Blanket lied that Scoop had died heroically saving the station from attack. He agreed to send Scoop’s body back home to Muncie.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 15: Death and Birth
In the barn, Jacob apologized to Bessie the cow for injecting her with heroin. A randy Edwina entered, impatient to have sex before the babies arrive and keep them too busy to consummate their relationship. Overhearing that Edwina needed help, Altair rushed in to assist in the delivery, but Edwina sent him away snappishly. Edwina hinted about the kind of “help” she needed. When that failed to persuade Jacob, Edwina seduced him with a sexy striptease.
Cody Gage and Dwayne Tomagachi/Angus McMurder giddily strolled through the station. Dwayne confessed that he felt bad about his failure to take over the station, as that was the first time one of his evil plans didn’t work. Dwayne marveled that he hadn’t been caught yet, but Cody explained that that was because he was hanging out with her, and most people avoid her.
Dr. Shika gave Armageddon Uno a rickets test before Armageddon sets off on his own adventures. Armageddon asked Shika to keep an eye out for his monkey Jim-Jim in case Jim-Jim was grooming bugs off of children on Guano-9. When Shika explained that his people secrete a natural insect repellent, Armageddon asked the doctor to put those secretions to work and give him a colon exam.
At the helm, Commander Blanket suddenly realized that, even though they’d squashed Dwayne’s plans to conquer the station for the Yamamoto Corporation, the station was still called the Healthy Happy Puff Puff Cigarette.com Space Station. Blanket made a note to change the name back to the Keeton-2. Altair-9000 entered, and Blanket forgave him for being part of Dwayne’s plan. He asked Altair to help him steer the station to the planet Pleasure-9.
BLANKET: “I need a navigation person. There’s probably a term for that, but I’m not sure what it is.”
ALTAIR: “It’s ‘navigator.’”
BLANKET: “I like the way you think.”
Blanket mentioned that Scoop Quasar hadn’t collected his last paycheck, and Altair casually explained that he’d snapped Scoop’s neck to cure his drug habit. Altair didn’t understand why Blanket was so shocked, and suggested that they just reboot Scoop and get him up and running again. When Blanket explained that people don’t work that way, Altair realized what he’d done and ran off.
In his secret Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, Dwayne Tomagachi discovered that the “defreezination chamber” was open. Suddenly, Dwayne’s brother Heinous McMurder finally emerged from his suspended animation and greeted his sibling. They swore revenge on Commander Blanket and Armageddon Uno. When Dwayne theorized that the monkey Jim-Jim had helped Armageddon capture Heinous, Heinous implied that he’d already taken care of Jim-Jim at one of those exotic restaurants that serve monkey brains. To celebrate their reunion, the McMurder brothers sang a karaoke version of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
In the barn, Jacob and Edwina basked in the afterglow of their first sexual encounter. Although he was thrilled and amazed by the experience, Jacob was concerned that it might affect Edwina’s pregnancy.
EDWINA: “What, do you think I’m gonna get MORE pregnant?”
Edwina revealed that she was actually LESS pregnant now, since the quadruplets had fused themselves back into one baby. Suddenly, Edwina went into labor.
Dwayne/Angus introduced his brother to his girlfriend Cody Gage. Suddenly, Armageddon Uno entered to bid farewell to his sister Cody. The old enemies were surprised to see each other. When Heinous sarcastically asked Armageddon where Jim-Jim was, Armageddon explained that he had traded him to a prostitute on Pleasure-9. Armageddon questioned Cody about her “banging” Dwayne.
DWAYNE: “Are you disparaging this woman’s honor?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Hell no! I banged her too!”
[awkward pause]
CODY: “See, we didn’t KNOW we were brother & sister at the time…”
As Edwina’s labor continued, Altair rushed in, screaming in guilt and despair over having killed Scoop with “these hands! THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!”
Dr. Shika was called to assist in the delivery, STAT!
Mourning over Scoop’s body, Commander Blanket wondered how he was going to explain to Scoop’s parents.
Armageddon informed Heinous McMurder that he’d gotten him off the hook with Mr. Beauregard. When Armageddon asked Heinous why he hadn’t carried out the contract on Beauregard’s wife, Heinous replied that he had a way with the ladies.
ARMAGEDDON: “You put it in that potato-woman?”
HEINOUS: “The eyes have it!”
The McMurder brothers and the Gage/Uno siblings grudgingly decided to call a truce since they were “almost” family.
Altair continued shrieking “THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!” Edwina reassured him that his guilt and suffering meant that he was developing human feelings (even though that was small consolation for the consequences of his actions). Suddenly, the contractions started again.
Armageddon, Cody & the McMurder brothers bonded over a barbecue. Dwayne assured Heinous that his love for Cody wouldn’t break up their team. As Armageddon prepared to leave, Dwayne asked Armageddon not to reveal anything he’d learned here. When Armageddon replied that his silence had a price, Dwayne pulled a gun on him.
Dr. Shika arrived and helped with the delivery. Suddenly, the baby (whom Edwina had decided to name “Scoop”) came out with such force that it was launched through the air. Altair safely caught the baby and tenderly handed it over to the happy parents.
ALTAIR: “You know how I caught that thing? With THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!”
Commander Blanket contacted Scoop’s parents and hesitantly informed them of their son’s death. As the Quasars cried uncontrollably, Blanket lied that Scoop had died heroically saving the station from attack. He agreed to send Scoop’s body back home to Muncie.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Season 4, Episode 14: Lactose Zero Tolerance
Episode 14: Lactose Zero Tolerance
The lovemaking of Angus McMurder (a.k.a. Dwayne Tomagachi) and Cody Gage was so passionate that it reduced the Chicken Hawk to wreckage…again. Cody asked Angus why his name was pronounced “Anus,” and he explained that his mother wanted it to rhyme with his brother Heinous. Dwayne/Angus/“Anus” flashed back to all the traumas his name brought him. Then he asked Cody to be a character witness at his imminent trial.
Simultaneously transforming into a robot and a junkie, Scoop Quasar was in the hayloft, searching for a vein that had not turned to copper. Since he could no longer shoot up directly, Scoop injected Bessie the cow so that he could drink her heroin-infused milk. When Jacob Fisher arrived, he saw that Scoop’s need for his “medicine” was so great that he agreed to Scoop’s plan.
The now nebulously ranked Commander Blanket was steering the station (and shamelessly plugging a local package store). Dr. Shika arrived and helped Blanket decipher a distress signal from the sinful planet Pleasure-9. They wasted no time in heading to the rescue.
Noticing a surplus of milk in the commissary, Edwina Prototype decided to throw an ice-cream party. Armageddon Uno stormed in, upset over the destruction of the Chicken Hawk. Edwina fixed him a patty melt and a tall glass of milk to calm his nerves. Armageddon drank the milk (while Dwayne made a Hamburglar-esque raid on his patty melt), then started having a psychedelic experience.
The memory-impaired Altair-9000 was repeatedly chewing & discarding the same piece of gum when Dwayne Tomagachi entered. Dwayne asked Altair to help him get off the station, but by the time he finished his request, Altair had already forgotten it.
Commander Blanket found Jacob Fisher rocking Scoop to sleep in the hayloft. Jacob offered the commander a glass of milk. Scoop compared the effect of the heroin milk to “drinking good sex.” Blanket was aghast, and worried that the whole crew would soon be “spritely and drunk.” Inexplicably, Commander Blanket sang a song about Senator John Kerry. The atonal screams of 150 special-needs kids echoed through Blanket’s head, but since he now knew that the explosion was Dwayne/Angus’ fault, it didn’t bother Blanket that much. Blanket gave Jacob the potato given to him by General Turnenkopf, containing the key to the butter-churn rocket.
Cody Gage had a glass of milk.
Edwina plugged into Altair’s system to fill in the gaps in his memory. Appalled by his past actions, Altair photographed himself and labeled it “Evil.” He swore to make amends by protecting Edwina and her babies.
Carrying a bucket of milk, Jacob Fisher had a conversation with God. Unlike all his previous conversations, this time Jacob began hearing a response. Altair and Edwina tried to detox Jacob by strapping him down and making him watch “A Clockwork Orange.”
Hopped up on milk, Cody took a ten-second nap and woke up completely rested and alert.
Back in the commissary, Jacob was having a fit over being forced to watch television. Altair snapped a photo of Jacob and labeled it “Junkie.” Believing the robot had just stolen part of his soul, Jacob freaked out, broke out of his restraints and began eating the Polaroid.
The hyperactive Cody rebuilt the Chicken Hawk all by herself in under a day. The equally whacked-out Armageddon crashed in. He suggested that they use the Chicken Hawk to rapidly circle the space station in the opposite direction until they go back in time, like at the end of “Superman.” Cody said she’d already tried that and it didn’t work. They decided to try it in reverse and see if they went into the future.
Commander Blanket arrived in the medlab to find Dr. Shika berating himself for prescribing heroin to Scoop. Shika explained that, on Guano-9, heroin is as harmless as Tylenol, and that he hadn’t anticipated his prescription causing so much trouble. Dwayne/Angus entered and knocked over the Commander’s Little Kings Cream Ale.
BLANKET: “How dare you knock over Cincinnati beer?!”
Dwayne opened the viewport and showed them that the Chicken Hawk was rapidly circling the station in the opposite direction (not in reverse, as Cody thought), and it was indeed causing time to reverse itself! Fortunately, as an alien and an old drunk (respectively), Dr. Shika and Commander Blanket were not affected. Dr. Shika proposed that they capture Dwayne and collect the reward on the fugitive. Shika further proposed detoxing the station by replacing the heroin milk with normal milk.
Scoop Quasar had a moment of clarity and tossed his works into the station’s artificial stream. Altair entered and offered to cure Scoop of his drug habit. Anxious to hear more, Scoop approached his old friend. Suddenly, Altair “cured” Scoop by snapping his neck!
Still bound and gagged, Jacob Fisher somehow managed to make it back to his quarters. Jacob apologized to God for befouling his body with drugs. Altair entered and offered to “cure” Jacob as well. Jacob declined, saying he felt he’d already beaten the habit.
ALTAIR: “Are you sure? I’ve got a REALLY good cure…”
Jacob explained that drug addiction was very similar to Satanic possession; that the evil is the drug’s, not the person’s. Jacob confessed that he had done some shameful, evil things in his past, like throwing other kids’ books into buggy traffic. This emotional outpouring led to a moment of bonding between Amish Man and Robot. Altair asked Jacob to make a wicker basket for him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The lovemaking of Angus McMurder (a.k.a. Dwayne Tomagachi) and Cody Gage was so passionate that it reduced the Chicken Hawk to wreckage…again. Cody asked Angus why his name was pronounced “Anus,” and he explained that his mother wanted it to rhyme with his brother Heinous. Dwayne/Angus/“Anus” flashed back to all the traumas his name brought him. Then he asked Cody to be a character witness at his imminent trial.
Simultaneously transforming into a robot and a junkie, Scoop Quasar was in the hayloft, searching for a vein that had not turned to copper. Since he could no longer shoot up directly, Scoop injected Bessie the cow so that he could drink her heroin-infused milk. When Jacob Fisher arrived, he saw that Scoop’s need for his “medicine” was so great that he agreed to Scoop’s plan.
The now nebulously ranked Commander Blanket was steering the station (and shamelessly plugging a local package store). Dr. Shika arrived and helped Blanket decipher a distress signal from the sinful planet Pleasure-9. They wasted no time in heading to the rescue.
Noticing a surplus of milk in the commissary, Edwina Prototype decided to throw an ice-cream party. Armageddon Uno stormed in, upset over the destruction of the Chicken Hawk. Edwina fixed him a patty melt and a tall glass of milk to calm his nerves. Armageddon drank the milk (while Dwayne made a Hamburglar-esque raid on his patty melt), then started having a psychedelic experience.
The memory-impaired Altair-9000 was repeatedly chewing & discarding the same piece of gum when Dwayne Tomagachi entered. Dwayne asked Altair to help him get off the station, but by the time he finished his request, Altair had already forgotten it.
Commander Blanket found Jacob Fisher rocking Scoop to sleep in the hayloft. Jacob offered the commander a glass of milk. Scoop compared the effect of the heroin milk to “drinking good sex.” Blanket was aghast, and worried that the whole crew would soon be “spritely and drunk.” Inexplicably, Commander Blanket sang a song about Senator John Kerry. The atonal screams of 150 special-needs kids echoed through Blanket’s head, but since he now knew that the explosion was Dwayne/Angus’ fault, it didn’t bother Blanket that much. Blanket gave Jacob the potato given to him by General Turnenkopf, containing the key to the butter-churn rocket.
Cody Gage had a glass of milk.
Edwina plugged into Altair’s system to fill in the gaps in his memory. Appalled by his past actions, Altair photographed himself and labeled it “Evil.” He swore to make amends by protecting Edwina and her babies.
Carrying a bucket of milk, Jacob Fisher had a conversation with God. Unlike all his previous conversations, this time Jacob began hearing a response. Altair and Edwina tried to detox Jacob by strapping him down and making him watch “A Clockwork Orange.”
Hopped up on milk, Cody took a ten-second nap and woke up completely rested and alert.
Back in the commissary, Jacob was having a fit over being forced to watch television. Altair snapped a photo of Jacob and labeled it “Junkie.” Believing the robot had just stolen part of his soul, Jacob freaked out, broke out of his restraints and began eating the Polaroid.
The hyperactive Cody rebuilt the Chicken Hawk all by herself in under a day. The equally whacked-out Armageddon crashed in. He suggested that they use the Chicken Hawk to rapidly circle the space station in the opposite direction until they go back in time, like at the end of “Superman.” Cody said she’d already tried that and it didn’t work. They decided to try it in reverse and see if they went into the future.
Commander Blanket arrived in the medlab to find Dr. Shika berating himself for prescribing heroin to Scoop. Shika explained that, on Guano-9, heroin is as harmless as Tylenol, and that he hadn’t anticipated his prescription causing so much trouble. Dwayne/Angus entered and knocked over the Commander’s Little Kings Cream Ale.
BLANKET: “How dare you knock over Cincinnati beer?!”
Dwayne opened the viewport and showed them that the Chicken Hawk was rapidly circling the station in the opposite direction (not in reverse, as Cody thought), and it was indeed causing time to reverse itself! Fortunately, as an alien and an old drunk (respectively), Dr. Shika and Commander Blanket were not affected. Dr. Shika proposed that they capture Dwayne and collect the reward on the fugitive. Shika further proposed detoxing the station by replacing the heroin milk with normal milk.
Scoop Quasar had a moment of clarity and tossed his works into the station’s artificial stream. Altair entered and offered to cure Scoop of his drug habit. Anxious to hear more, Scoop approached his old friend. Suddenly, Altair “cured” Scoop by snapping his neck!
Still bound and gagged, Jacob Fisher somehow managed to make it back to his quarters. Jacob apologized to God for befouling his body with drugs. Altair entered and offered to “cure” Jacob as well. Jacob declined, saying he felt he’d already beaten the habit.
ALTAIR: “Are you sure? I’ve got a REALLY good cure…”
Jacob explained that drug addiction was very similar to Satanic possession; that the evil is the drug’s, not the person’s. Jacob confessed that he had done some shameful, evil things in his past, like throwing other kids’ books into buggy traffic. This emotional outpouring led to a moment of bonding between Amish Man and Robot. Altair asked Jacob to make a wicker basket for him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Season 4, Episode 13: Memento, the Freshmaker
Weak title, I know, but I couldn't think of any other play on "Memento"...
Episode 13: Memento, the Freshmaker
Scoop Quasar went to see Dr. Shika to ask for medical advice. Scoop explained that, ever since Altair-9000 drove a fist into his stomach, he’d been discovering circuitry integrated into his own body, and felt compelled to cut himself off from human contact. Dr. Shika said he would try to help, but warned Scoop that Guano-9 medical science was only as advanced as Earth’s 1965 standards. Consequently, Dr. Shika prescribed heroin.
Since only the left side of his body had thawed out after being frozen in carbonade, Commander Blanket tried to maneuver his walker behind the station’s steering wheel to resume command. He fell and wrecked everything.
Although his trusty lantern had been smashed by Altair, Jacob found his spare in the barn. Edwina Prototype entered with a snack, thanking Jacob for rescuing her. When Jacob protested that he hadn’t really been any help in saving her from Dwayne Tomagachi, Edwina explained that he had saved her another way, by showing her that an android could indeed be human. They exchanged forgiveness, and Jacob proposed marriage. They kissed.
Their takeover having been put down, Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) and Altair-9000 were in the brig. Since Altair’s systems had crashed, he could no longer retain new information and had to keep a constant photographic record of everything around him. Dwayne persuaded Altair to bend the bars of their cell, then ran away (crashing into something on the way out).
Feeling very pleased about his military record being wiped clean, Armageddon Uno was enjoying a cheeseburger when a drunken Cody Gage arrived. After nearly two months, Cody had finally gotten their DNA test results back from Grady. The results confirmed that not only were they brother & sister, but they were also twins.
CODY: “Your mother was Zsa Zsa Gabor…and the worst part of it is…she was MY mother too!”
The reunited siblings hugged, just like they did in utero.
General Turnenkopf led Commander Blanket into Dr. Shika’s office for an examination. Commander Blanket fell and wrecked everything.
After cleaning up the lab, Dr. Shika was visited by Jacob Fisher. Dr. Shika explained about Scoop’s condition, and asked Jacob to put Scoop to work in the barn, as far away from technology as possible. Since Jacob’s current farmhand, Armageddon Uno, had proven to be a lazy bum, Jacob gladly accepted. Jacob then consulted Shika about Edwina’s pregnancy. Jacob was considering giving the Amish a publicity boost by promoting the forthcoming Sons of God as a boy band. In response, Dr. Shika showed Jacob the ultrasound, revealing that Edwina’s babies (now quadruplets) were all girls. Jacob contemplated the religious significance of this. Then he told Shika about his proposal to Edwina and his worries about their cultural differences. Dr. Shika informed Jacob that his own wife, Caramel, was a red-skinned woman from Guano-2 who worships the three-toed god, but that they hadn’t let those differences stand in their way.
Taking his first prescribed dose of heroin, Scoop was washed over by a flood of memories.
General Turnenkopf led Commander Blanket away from any objects they could fall over. Turnenkopf told Blanket that he felt guilty about demoting him, and was prepared to restore his rank. In fact, since Turnenkopf was thinking of retiring (“because I’ve embezzled a lot of money”), Turnenkopf wanted Blanket to take his place. Suddenly, Dwayne Tomagachi rolled in, shot General Turnenkopf, and rolled out again. As Commander Blanket told the dying Turnenkopf how much he’d always admired him, Turnenkopf gave Blanket a potato containing the plans Jacob needs for the butter-churn rocket. Then the General died. Commander Blanket realized he’d not only lost a friend…he’d lost his only shot at promotion.
Armageddon Uno was sleeping in the hayloft when Jacob arrived with Scoop. Jacob informed Armageddon that he was fired and that Scoop was his replacement. Armageddon was very upset, especially when he saw Scoop taking his “medicine.” Armageddon threatened to inform the Amish about Jacob’s recent actions.
Edwina told Cody Gage the good news about Jacob’s proposal, and asked Cody to be the maid of honor. Cody congratulated Edwina, even though the news made her even more depressed about not having anyone of her own.
Left alone with General Turnenkopf’s body, Commander Blanket was struck by a sudden inspiration to carry out a ruse a la “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Blanket put the General’s body in front of the communicator and called Spaceforce. Impersonating the General, Blanket ordered a promotion for himself, along with a beach house and two Asian women. Spaceforce saw through the ruse and demoted Blanket another half-star.
Reviewing his photos, Altair-9000 suddenly remembered an important fragment of his past. He needed to find the other four Altair robots so they could form one giant robot. Unfortunately, before Altair could write this down, he forgot it again.
Cody Gage came by the Chicken Hawk to visit Armageddon Uno. They caught up on some family history, then Cody confessed that she was depressed because she hadn’t had sex in a long time. Armageddon agreed to give her some “private time” in the Chicken Hawk, confessing that he had a lot of “private time” of his own in Jacob’s hayloft. After Armageddon left, Dwayne Tomagachi sneaked in and surprised Cody before she could get down to business. Cody was puzzled by Dwayne’s Scottish accent.
CODY: “Now, I’m not very worldly…but weren’t you Japanese?”
Dwayne explained about his Scottish/Japanese parentage, and Cody replied that she was born to Zsa Zsa Gabor and raised by Scandinavians. Starstruck by Cody’s celebrity heritage, Dwayne sat down and started chatting with her.
DWAYNE: “So, what do you like to do?”
CODY: “I like to have sex. You interested?”
Dwayne was indeed interested.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 13: Memento, the Freshmaker
Scoop Quasar went to see Dr. Shika to ask for medical advice. Scoop explained that, ever since Altair-9000 drove a fist into his stomach, he’d been discovering circuitry integrated into his own body, and felt compelled to cut himself off from human contact. Dr. Shika said he would try to help, but warned Scoop that Guano-9 medical science was only as advanced as Earth’s 1965 standards. Consequently, Dr. Shika prescribed heroin.
Since only the left side of his body had thawed out after being frozen in carbonade, Commander Blanket tried to maneuver his walker behind the station’s steering wheel to resume command. He fell and wrecked everything.
Although his trusty lantern had been smashed by Altair, Jacob found his spare in the barn. Edwina Prototype entered with a snack, thanking Jacob for rescuing her. When Jacob protested that he hadn’t really been any help in saving her from Dwayne Tomagachi, Edwina explained that he had saved her another way, by showing her that an android could indeed be human. They exchanged forgiveness, and Jacob proposed marriage. They kissed.
Their takeover having been put down, Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) and Altair-9000 were in the brig. Since Altair’s systems had crashed, he could no longer retain new information and had to keep a constant photographic record of everything around him. Dwayne persuaded Altair to bend the bars of their cell, then ran away (crashing into something on the way out).
Feeling very pleased about his military record being wiped clean, Armageddon Uno was enjoying a cheeseburger when a drunken Cody Gage arrived. After nearly two months, Cody had finally gotten their DNA test results back from Grady. The results confirmed that not only were they brother & sister, but they were also twins.
CODY: “Your mother was Zsa Zsa Gabor…and the worst part of it is…she was MY mother too!”
The reunited siblings hugged, just like they did in utero.
General Turnenkopf led Commander Blanket into Dr. Shika’s office for an examination. Commander Blanket fell and wrecked everything.
After cleaning up the lab, Dr. Shika was visited by Jacob Fisher. Dr. Shika explained about Scoop’s condition, and asked Jacob to put Scoop to work in the barn, as far away from technology as possible. Since Jacob’s current farmhand, Armageddon Uno, had proven to be a lazy bum, Jacob gladly accepted. Jacob then consulted Shika about Edwina’s pregnancy. Jacob was considering giving the Amish a publicity boost by promoting the forthcoming Sons of God as a boy band. In response, Dr. Shika showed Jacob the ultrasound, revealing that Edwina’s babies (now quadruplets) were all girls. Jacob contemplated the religious significance of this. Then he told Shika about his proposal to Edwina and his worries about their cultural differences. Dr. Shika informed Jacob that his own wife, Caramel, was a red-skinned woman from Guano-2 who worships the three-toed god, but that they hadn’t let those differences stand in their way.
Taking his first prescribed dose of heroin, Scoop was washed over by a flood of memories.
General Turnenkopf led Commander Blanket away from any objects they could fall over. Turnenkopf told Blanket that he felt guilty about demoting him, and was prepared to restore his rank. In fact, since Turnenkopf was thinking of retiring (“because I’ve embezzled a lot of money”), Turnenkopf wanted Blanket to take his place. Suddenly, Dwayne Tomagachi rolled in, shot General Turnenkopf, and rolled out again. As Commander Blanket told the dying Turnenkopf how much he’d always admired him, Turnenkopf gave Blanket a potato containing the plans Jacob needs for the butter-churn rocket. Then the General died. Commander Blanket realized he’d not only lost a friend…he’d lost his only shot at promotion.
Armageddon Uno was sleeping in the hayloft when Jacob arrived with Scoop. Jacob informed Armageddon that he was fired and that Scoop was his replacement. Armageddon was very upset, especially when he saw Scoop taking his “medicine.” Armageddon threatened to inform the Amish about Jacob’s recent actions.
Edwina told Cody Gage the good news about Jacob’s proposal, and asked Cody to be the maid of honor. Cody congratulated Edwina, even though the news made her even more depressed about not having anyone of her own.
Left alone with General Turnenkopf’s body, Commander Blanket was struck by a sudden inspiration to carry out a ruse a la “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Blanket put the General’s body in front of the communicator and called Spaceforce. Impersonating the General, Blanket ordered a promotion for himself, along with a beach house and two Asian women. Spaceforce saw through the ruse and demoted Blanket another half-star.
Reviewing his photos, Altair-9000 suddenly remembered an important fragment of his past. He needed to find the other four Altair robots so they could form one giant robot. Unfortunately, before Altair could write this down, he forgot it again.
Cody Gage came by the Chicken Hawk to visit Armageddon Uno. They caught up on some family history, then Cody confessed that she was depressed because she hadn’t had sex in a long time. Armageddon agreed to give her some “private time” in the Chicken Hawk, confessing that he had a lot of “private time” of his own in Jacob’s hayloft. After Armageddon left, Dwayne Tomagachi sneaked in and surprised Cody before she could get down to business. Cody was puzzled by Dwayne’s Scottish accent.
CODY: “Now, I’m not very worldly…but weren’t you Japanese?”
Dwayne explained about his Scottish/Japanese parentage, and Cody replied that she was born to Zsa Zsa Gabor and raised by Scandinavians. Starstruck by Cody’s celebrity heritage, Dwayne sat down and started chatting with her.
DWAYNE: “So, what do you like to do?”
CODY: “I like to have sex. You interested?”
Dwayne was indeed interested.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, November 14, 2008
Season 4, Episode 12: Cold Blanket
Introducing Randy Havens as General Turnenkopf.
Episode 12: Cold Blanket
Edwina Prototype was in the commissary, reading a book of recipes to her unborn babies, when Cody Gage arrived. Cody was fed up with the pressures of trying to be the station’s doctor. So, after Cody flipped a mysterious switch on Edwina’s head, Edwina conked Cody on the head with a frying pan to restore her memory of her true identity.
Having been frozen in carbonade by Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder), Commander Blanket was left alone with his thoughts. Blanket hoped that Jacob Fisher could save the station.
In the barn, Armageddon Uno was teaching Jacob the new sport he’d invented: Pig-fishing. When Armageddon kicked a pig in the head to put it down, a strangely different Scoop Quasar entered, attracted by the smell of blood. When Jacob & Armageddon noticed how Scoop had changed, the paranoid Scoop thought they were plotting against him and trying to steal “his” baby. Scoop said that Altair was the only friend he could trust, but acknowledged that he’d felt different ever since Altair picked him up last week.
ARMAGEDDON: “So let me get this straight. Altair ‘picked you up,’ became your ‘special friend,’ and now you’re pregnant?”
Dwayne Tomagachi and Altair-9000 celebrated their triumph. Altair linked himself to the station’s computers and would soon control the navigation, life support, etc. Their only problem was that Scoop kept reverting to his old, weak self…and they needed Scoop on their side so they could control the press.
General Turnenkopf, Commander Blanket’s superior officer, arrived at the station. Jacob informed him of all the sinister plots going on. General Turnenkopf vowed to restore order.
TURNENKOPF: “I’m willing to give my life for this station, if by ‘my life,’ you mean the lives of thousands of crew members.”
Scoop Quasar attempted to write a “Dear Jane” letter to Catherine Shamrock, but was unclear on the concept of what a “Dear Jane” letter is.
Armageddon Uno checked out all the parking tickets he’d accumulated on the Chicken Hawk, then reminisced (in song) about the adventures he’d had with his ship and his monkey on the planet of the slug-women.
Restored to her chief-engineer identity, Cody Gage was checking out the air-filtration system when Jacob Fisher & General Turnenkopf arrived. They explained about Altair’s takeover of the station, and the trio decided to fight back and sneak through the air ducts.
Inside Commander Blanket’s mind, the Meow Mix theme played endlessly.
Scoop took another stab at the “Dear Jane” letter, but Altair entered and destroyed it. Altair declared that any communication with Catherine, even to say goodbye, was a sign of weakness. Altair assured Scoop that he would soon be free of his human softness. Scoop got tangled up in Altair’s extension cord.
Dwayne Tomagachi psychically entered Commander Blanket’s mind to taunt him. Dwayne reminded Blanket about the time Blanket blew up that ship full of retarded kids.
DWAYNE: “Your intelligence identified it as an enemy warship. I wonder how that could have happened, hmm?”
Blanket realized that Dwayne had arranged the tragedy in retaliation for Blanket having imprisoned him years before. Commander Blanket swore revenge.
Taking a break from the commando raid, Jacob tried to figure out how to apologize to Edwina. Armageddon Uno entered and found himself face-to-face with General Turnenkopf. Turnenkopf remembered Armageddon’s cowardice at the Battle of Tartan-114, but offered to erase his AWOLization if he’d help them out.
Dwayne Tomagachi was gleefully doing his Steamboat Willie impression on the bridge, celebrating his impending victory.
DWAYNE: “Once we have our robot army, we’ll conquer Earth and Retardo-Montalban 1 through 5 and 7 through 11. And most of all, the planet of addictive potatoes!”
Edwina arrived with a new shipment of Yamamoto Corporation sushi. Dwayne explained that Commander Blanket had left the station to visit a sick relative, but Edwina refused to fall for his lies. Altair arrived and grabbed hold of Edwina. Edwina revealed that Cody Gage had turned on her super-strength by flipping that switch in the first scene, but Dwayne deactivated the switch.
DWAYNE: “You fell into the old trap…you gave exposition before you actually did what you were going to do!”
The song “Desperado” floated through Commander Blanket’s mind.
Scoop finally managed to write his “Dear Jane” letter.
In the air duct outside Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, the commando team prepared to move in. Jacob led the team in prayer, then went in alone to try to reason with Dwayne & Altair. Sensing the others in the air ducts, Altair welded the duct shut so they could be undisturbed. Altair demonstrated their plans for Earth by smashing Jacob’s lantern. This infuriated Armageddon so much that he kicked through Altair’s welding job, and our heroes launched their attack. General Turnenkopf disarmed Altair by asking him “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck,” thus overloading the robot’s logic circuits. Armageddon then rolled Commander Blanket’s beehive across the room. Released, the bees attacked Dwayne while simultaneously warming their frozen keeper’s heart.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 12: Cold Blanket
Edwina Prototype was in the commissary, reading a book of recipes to her unborn babies, when Cody Gage arrived. Cody was fed up with the pressures of trying to be the station’s doctor. So, after Cody flipped a mysterious switch on Edwina’s head, Edwina conked Cody on the head with a frying pan to restore her memory of her true identity.
Having been frozen in carbonade by Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder), Commander Blanket was left alone with his thoughts. Blanket hoped that Jacob Fisher could save the station.
In the barn, Armageddon Uno was teaching Jacob the new sport he’d invented: Pig-fishing. When Armageddon kicked a pig in the head to put it down, a strangely different Scoop Quasar entered, attracted by the smell of blood. When Jacob & Armageddon noticed how Scoop had changed, the paranoid Scoop thought they were plotting against him and trying to steal “his” baby. Scoop said that Altair was the only friend he could trust, but acknowledged that he’d felt different ever since Altair picked him up last week.
ARMAGEDDON: “So let me get this straight. Altair ‘picked you up,’ became your ‘special friend,’ and now you’re pregnant?”
Dwayne Tomagachi and Altair-9000 celebrated their triumph. Altair linked himself to the station’s computers and would soon control the navigation, life support, etc. Their only problem was that Scoop kept reverting to his old, weak self…and they needed Scoop on their side so they could control the press.
General Turnenkopf, Commander Blanket’s superior officer, arrived at the station. Jacob informed him of all the sinister plots going on. General Turnenkopf vowed to restore order.
TURNENKOPF: “I’m willing to give my life for this station, if by ‘my life,’ you mean the lives of thousands of crew members.”
Scoop Quasar attempted to write a “Dear Jane” letter to Catherine Shamrock, but was unclear on the concept of what a “Dear Jane” letter is.
Armageddon Uno checked out all the parking tickets he’d accumulated on the Chicken Hawk, then reminisced (in song) about the adventures he’d had with his ship and his monkey on the planet of the slug-women.
Restored to her chief-engineer identity, Cody Gage was checking out the air-filtration system when Jacob Fisher & General Turnenkopf arrived. They explained about Altair’s takeover of the station, and the trio decided to fight back and sneak through the air ducts.
Inside Commander Blanket’s mind, the Meow Mix theme played endlessly.
Scoop took another stab at the “Dear Jane” letter, but Altair entered and destroyed it. Altair declared that any communication with Catherine, even to say goodbye, was a sign of weakness. Altair assured Scoop that he would soon be free of his human softness. Scoop got tangled up in Altair’s extension cord.
Dwayne Tomagachi psychically entered Commander Blanket’s mind to taunt him. Dwayne reminded Blanket about the time Blanket blew up that ship full of retarded kids.
DWAYNE: “Your intelligence identified it as an enemy warship. I wonder how that could have happened, hmm?”
Blanket realized that Dwayne had arranged the tragedy in retaliation for Blanket having imprisoned him years before. Commander Blanket swore revenge.
Taking a break from the commando raid, Jacob tried to figure out how to apologize to Edwina. Armageddon Uno entered and found himself face-to-face with General Turnenkopf. Turnenkopf remembered Armageddon’s cowardice at the Battle of Tartan-114, but offered to erase his AWOLization if he’d help them out.
Dwayne Tomagachi was gleefully doing his Steamboat Willie impression on the bridge, celebrating his impending victory.
DWAYNE: “Once we have our robot army, we’ll conquer Earth and Retardo-Montalban 1 through 5 and 7 through 11. And most of all, the planet of addictive potatoes!”
Edwina arrived with a new shipment of Yamamoto Corporation sushi. Dwayne explained that Commander Blanket had left the station to visit a sick relative, but Edwina refused to fall for his lies. Altair arrived and grabbed hold of Edwina. Edwina revealed that Cody Gage had turned on her super-strength by flipping that switch in the first scene, but Dwayne deactivated the switch.
DWAYNE: “You fell into the old trap…you gave exposition before you actually did what you were going to do!”
The song “Desperado” floated through Commander Blanket’s mind.
Scoop finally managed to write his “Dear Jane” letter.
In the air duct outside Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, the commando team prepared to move in. Jacob led the team in prayer, then went in alone to try to reason with Dwayne & Altair. Sensing the others in the air ducts, Altair welded the duct shut so they could be undisturbed. Altair demonstrated their plans for Earth by smashing Jacob’s lantern. This infuriated Armageddon so much that he kicked through Altair’s welding job, and our heroes launched their attack. General Turnenkopf disarmed Altair by asking him “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck,” thus overloading the robot’s logic circuits. Armageddon then rolled Commander Blanket’s beehive across the room. Released, the bees attacked Dwayne while simultaneously warming their frozen keeper’s heart.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Season 4, Episode 11: The Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense
Episode 11: The Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense
Commander Blanket used the station’s computers to contact the children of Retardo-Montalban 6, who were on tour promoting their record. He informed them that he had blown up their homeworld, but that his outreach program had gotten a $15,000 grant, which he would use to build them a new planet out of wood. While he was on-line, he also placed a bet on the Detroit Tigers at 999 to 1.
BLANKET: “I bet on retarded kids and they came through for me. The Tigers’ll do the same!”
Having removed the chip that Altair-9000 had implanted in him, Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) had turned the tables and now had the robot under HIS control. After admiring the redesign job he had done on Altair’s new streamlined body, Dwayne told Altair the true story of his origin. Many years ago, a Scottish mercenary fell in love with a Japanese assassin. Dwayne and his brother Heinous McMurder were the offspring of that union. Dwayne and Altair conspired to turn Edwina Prototype into a breeder-factory to create an army of dispensable beings.
Edwina and Dr. Shika returned from visiting Shika’s newborn daughter Mozambique on Guano-9. Edwina poured out her heart about her argument with Jacob and her fears that Altair was after her unborn child for nefarious purposes. They decided to hide the baby on Guano-9, where they would assume new identities as the rapper DJ Tastee Taste and his MC Edwina.
Armageddon Uno was regaling Jacob Fisher with tales of his sexual exploits with the women of Vagil-8 (who have 8 “coopappies”). Jacob explained that the Amish regarded sex as a sacred, solemn affair, not taken lightly or for fun. He started explaining about Edwina’s miraculous pregnancy.
ARMAGEDDON: “You mean Jesus came down and banged that android chick?”
JACOB: “Mr. Uno, you offend my sensibilities.”
Jacob worried that Edwina’s fall might have endangered the son of God. Armageddon was fascinated by the concept of a brain-damaged Messiah (“What kind of church do you think would come out of that?”).
Scoop Quasar read a letter from his girlfriend Catherine, telling him about her exciting travels and “a little man who dances for quarters made of pies.” Commander Blanket entered and offered Scoop a fuzzy-navel-flavored malt beverage. When Scoop told Blanket about the letter, Blanket figured Catherine was probably sleeping with the pie-man. Scoop had a confession to make to the commander…Scoop suspected that he himself might be the father of Edwina’s baby! Scoop explained that he had an “accident” when Edwina was straddling his lap to adjust his tie back in Episode 8, and that the sperm might have swum into Edwina’s womb.
BLANKET: “Wow, this is more of a virgin birth than we realized! TWO virgins are having a baby!”
After deciding to get a DNA test on Edwina’s baby, Blanket told Scoop that he needed his help in getting rid of the “bad eggs” on the station. Scoop agreed, offering to put his martial-arts training to use.
As they practiced their rap act, Edwina asked Shika if these new identities were really necessary. Shika admitted that they weren’t…he just needed something to relieve his boredom. Shika then told Edwina that he’d just confirmed a surprising discovery. When Edwina fell against the table, the baby broke in half and immediately healed. Edwina was now pregnant with twins.
Commander Blanket and his new “enforcer” Scoop ran into Armageddon Uno. Armageddon asked Scoop if he had had any Spaceforce combat training. When Scoop said he hadn’t, Armageddon taught him the traditional pantsless Greco-Roman wrestling moves. Surprised to learn that Armageddon served in Spaceforce, Blanket asked him about his experience.
ARMAGEDDON: “Oh, uh, I was stationed at the Battle of Tartan-114.”
BLANKET: “I thought everybody was wiped out at the Battle of Tartan-114.”
ARMAGEDDON: “Uh…um…we were! Gotta run!”
In his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, Dwayne Tomagachi sang a rousing karaoke version of Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May.”
Blanket & Scoop ran into Jacob and explained how Scoop’s accident had cast doubt on how Edwina’s child had been conceived. They explained that a DNA test would show whether it was Scoop’s child or God’s. (“If the DNA is shaped like a cross, then it’s His.”) Suddenly, a hysterical, pantsless Armageddon Uno ran by.
Cleaning the commissary, Edwina found a book of hymns and began reading it. Although she had never believed in God, she began to understand how people could draw strength from faith. She started singing a moving rendition of “Amazing Grace.” Hearing her song, Jacob entered and asked for her forgiveness. He realized that it was indeed possible for an android to have a soul.
Scoop and Blanket were about to enter Dwayne’s Catacombs when Altair-9000 burst through the door. Scoop put up a noble (if ineffectual) fight, but Altair tossed him aside effortlessly.
In the restroom, Dr. Shika counseled Armageddon about his problems with intimacy & commitment. Shika suggested that Armageddon imagine his mother’s face on a woman because “you wouldn’t dump your mother, would you?” Armageddon was repulsed by this suggestion because of all the OTHER things he wouldn’t do with his mother. Jacob came in to use the urinal. Shika tried to gently break the news about Edwina’s twins.
SHIKA: “Think of how happy you are right now, then multiply it by two. What’s that?”
JACOB: “Still a little disturbed.”
After Shika explained about the twins, Armageddon worried that they might be one good & one evil. Jacob declared that they might just have to drown the bad one.
With Scoop down, Blanket prepared to deliver his double-handed back punch, but was distracted by Scoop bleating in pain. Inside his Catacombs, Dwayne heard the fight, but couldn’t tear himself away from his self-massaging session.
In the barn, Jacob prayed and apologized to God for turning his back on Edwina and nearly abandoning the baby. He realized that what mattered was his love for Edwina.
Dwayne came out of his Catacombs and laughed at the fallen heroes, revealing his true identity as Angus McMurder. As Altair drove a fist into Scoop’s stomach, Commander Blanket rose to his feet for one final battle. Suddenly, Dwayne activated a switch to freeze the commander in carbonade.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Commander Blanket used the station’s computers to contact the children of Retardo-Montalban 6, who were on tour promoting their record. He informed them that he had blown up their homeworld, but that his outreach program had gotten a $15,000 grant, which he would use to build them a new planet out of wood. While he was on-line, he also placed a bet on the Detroit Tigers at 999 to 1.
BLANKET: “I bet on retarded kids and they came through for me. The Tigers’ll do the same!”
Having removed the chip that Altair-9000 had implanted in him, Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) had turned the tables and now had the robot under HIS control. After admiring the redesign job he had done on Altair’s new streamlined body, Dwayne told Altair the true story of his origin. Many years ago, a Scottish mercenary fell in love with a Japanese assassin. Dwayne and his brother Heinous McMurder were the offspring of that union. Dwayne and Altair conspired to turn Edwina Prototype into a breeder-factory to create an army of dispensable beings.
Edwina and Dr. Shika returned from visiting Shika’s newborn daughter Mozambique on Guano-9. Edwina poured out her heart about her argument with Jacob and her fears that Altair was after her unborn child for nefarious purposes. They decided to hide the baby on Guano-9, where they would assume new identities as the rapper DJ Tastee Taste and his MC Edwina.
Armageddon Uno was regaling Jacob Fisher with tales of his sexual exploits with the women of Vagil-8 (who have 8 “coopappies”). Jacob explained that the Amish regarded sex as a sacred, solemn affair, not taken lightly or for fun. He started explaining about Edwina’s miraculous pregnancy.
ARMAGEDDON: “You mean Jesus came down and banged that android chick?”
JACOB: “Mr. Uno, you offend my sensibilities.”
Jacob worried that Edwina’s fall might have endangered the son of God. Armageddon was fascinated by the concept of a brain-damaged Messiah (“What kind of church do you think would come out of that?”).
Scoop Quasar read a letter from his girlfriend Catherine, telling him about her exciting travels and “a little man who dances for quarters made of pies.” Commander Blanket entered and offered Scoop a fuzzy-navel-flavored malt beverage. When Scoop told Blanket about the letter, Blanket figured Catherine was probably sleeping with the pie-man. Scoop had a confession to make to the commander…Scoop suspected that he himself might be the father of Edwina’s baby! Scoop explained that he had an “accident” when Edwina was straddling his lap to adjust his tie back in Episode 8, and that the sperm might have swum into Edwina’s womb.
BLANKET: “Wow, this is more of a virgin birth than we realized! TWO virgins are having a baby!”
After deciding to get a DNA test on Edwina’s baby, Blanket told Scoop that he needed his help in getting rid of the “bad eggs” on the station. Scoop agreed, offering to put his martial-arts training to use.
As they practiced their rap act, Edwina asked Shika if these new identities were really necessary. Shika admitted that they weren’t…he just needed something to relieve his boredom. Shika then told Edwina that he’d just confirmed a surprising discovery. When Edwina fell against the table, the baby broke in half and immediately healed. Edwina was now pregnant with twins.
Commander Blanket and his new “enforcer” Scoop ran into Armageddon Uno. Armageddon asked Scoop if he had had any Spaceforce combat training. When Scoop said he hadn’t, Armageddon taught him the traditional pantsless Greco-Roman wrestling moves. Surprised to learn that Armageddon served in Spaceforce, Blanket asked him about his experience.
ARMAGEDDON: “Oh, uh, I was stationed at the Battle of Tartan-114.”
BLANKET: “I thought everybody was wiped out at the Battle of Tartan-114.”
ARMAGEDDON: “Uh…um…we were! Gotta run!”
In his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, Dwayne Tomagachi sang a rousing karaoke version of Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May.”
Blanket & Scoop ran into Jacob and explained how Scoop’s accident had cast doubt on how Edwina’s child had been conceived. They explained that a DNA test would show whether it was Scoop’s child or God’s. (“If the DNA is shaped like a cross, then it’s His.”) Suddenly, a hysterical, pantsless Armageddon Uno ran by.
Cleaning the commissary, Edwina found a book of hymns and began reading it. Although she had never believed in God, she began to understand how people could draw strength from faith. She started singing a moving rendition of “Amazing Grace.” Hearing her song, Jacob entered and asked for her forgiveness. He realized that it was indeed possible for an android to have a soul.
Scoop and Blanket were about to enter Dwayne’s Catacombs when Altair-9000 burst through the door. Scoop put up a noble (if ineffectual) fight, but Altair tossed him aside effortlessly.
In the restroom, Dr. Shika counseled Armageddon about his problems with intimacy & commitment. Shika suggested that Armageddon imagine his mother’s face on a woman because “you wouldn’t dump your mother, would you?” Armageddon was repulsed by this suggestion because of all the OTHER things he wouldn’t do with his mother. Jacob came in to use the urinal. Shika tried to gently break the news about Edwina’s twins.
SHIKA: “Think of how happy you are right now, then multiply it by two. What’s that?”
JACOB: “Still a little disturbed.”
After Shika explained about the twins, Armageddon worried that they might be one good & one evil. Jacob declared that they might just have to drown the bad one.
With Scoop down, Blanket prepared to deliver his double-handed back punch, but was distracted by Scoop bleating in pain. Inside his Catacombs, Dwayne heard the fight, but couldn’t tear himself away from his self-massaging session.
In the barn, Jacob prayed and apologized to God for turning his back on Edwina and nearly abandoning the baby. He realized that what mattered was his love for Edwina.
Dwayne came out of his Catacombs and laughed at the fallen heroes, revealing his true identity as Angus McMurder. As Altair drove a fist into Scoop’s stomach, Commander Blanket rose to his feet for one final battle. Suddenly, Dwayne activated a switch to freeze the commander in carbonade.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Season 4, Episode 10: Another Day, Another Planet Destroyed
Episode 10: Another Day, Another Planet Destroyed
After her most recent conk on the head, Cody Gage now believed herself to be the ship’s doctor. When Armageddon Uno walked in complaining of back pain, she performed a chiropractic adjustment. Armageddon screamed in agony.
With the Jefferson Starship on a collision course with the planet Retardo-Montalban 6 and the escape pod disabled, Commander Blanket had no choice but to parachute out into space, using the air inside his empty wine cooler bottles to survive.
Jacob Fisher apologized to God for doubting Him, and thanked Him for Edwina’s miraculous pregnancy. The shattered shell of Armageddon Uno staggered in, and Jacob fixed his back by walking on in.
JACOB: “It’s the Amish way of readjusting the spine.”
ARMAGEDDON: “It’s also the Chinese way. Y’know, I’ve noticed a LOT of similarities between the Chinese and the Amish.”
JACOB: “Well, we had an exchange program.”
Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) came into Dr. Shika’s office, begging the doctor to remove the chip that Altair-9000 had implanted in his body. Dr. Shika agreed, on the conditions that Angus stop threatening his family, and free the station from its corporate sponsorship. After examining Dwayne, Shika declared that the implant was so sophisticated that it could only be removed by a robot. Dwayne asked if ANY robot would do.
On the viewscreens, Altair-9000 watched the destruction of Retardo-Montalban 6 with great satisfaction. Scoop Quasar entered, and Altair asked Scoop to help him get Edwina’s human/android hybrid baby.
ALTAIR: “I can best train this baby to bridge the gap between robots and humans.”
SCOOP: “And then destroy them, right?”
ALTAIR: “OOOH!”
While mopping up, Edwina slipped and fell belly-first against the edge of a table.
Floating in space, Commander Blanket sensed a disturbance in the retarded side of the Force, as if millions of souls had cried out in anguish and been suddenly silenced.
Altair burned a hole in the wall of Jacob’s barn so he could get in. Altair showed Jacob the surveillance footage of Edwina’s accident, saying that her carelessness proved she would be an unfit mother. Jacob refused to listen, saying that God had chosen Edwina to be His vessel. Apparently accepting Jacob’s position, Altair offered a handshake…and crushed Jacob’s hand.
Dr. Shika opened the airlock and went out after Commander Blanket, floating through space in a slow-motion balletic rescue. Once safely back aboard the station, Commander Blanket realized he had destroyed an entire planet full of special-needs people. Blanket swore to resign in shame, stripping off his uniform. Not even a peppy, upbeat song from Dr. Shika could dissuade him.
Armageddon Uno discovered Edwina collapsed in a heap in the commissary. He helped get her to a chair and had her tell him her troubles. “Dr.” Cody Gage entered and examined Edwina. She discovered the second heartbeat, confirming that the baby was still all right.
ARMAGEDDON: “You see? When a happy song is sung on the space station, EVERYBODY benefits!”
Commander Blanket ran into Scoop, confessing his guilt over destroying Retardo-Montalban 6. Scoop told the Commander that he had been working on a special project for his outreach program, and presented him with a package…a record album entitled “The Kids of Retardo-Montalban 6: Special Music from Special Kids.” Scoop revealed that the entire population was on tour to promote the record…nobody was home when the planet blew up! Astonished to learn that he hadn’t killed anybody, Blanket gratefully took back his uniform. Scoop put on the record, and everybody came in and danced.
After the dance, Dwayne confronted Altair-9000. Dwayne stripped off his shirt, revealing a hideous scar where he had taken out Altair’s control-chip. Dwayne hurled a ninja star at Altair.
In the barn, Jacob showed Edwina the manger he was building in preparation for their upcoming arrival. He told Edwina that Altair had shown him the accident.
EDWINA: “I knew it! He’s got a camera in the commissary! He’s got cameras everywhere! Where’s the camera here? You getting this, Altair?”
ALTAIR (off-stage): “Sure am!”
Jacob criticized Edwina for endangering the holy baby. Struck by a sudden mood swing, Edwina really tore into Jacob’s patronizing, patriarchal beliefs. Deeply saddened, Jacob said it was clear that Edwina didn’t want the baby…or him. Edwina offered a heartfelt apology, but Jacob wouldn’t accept it. Edwina was offended by this rejection.
EDWINA: “I’M the reason you believe in God again!”
JACOB: “That child is the reason…not you.”
EDWINA: “Well then, perhaps you’ll never lay eyes on this child again!”
And with that, she stormed out of the barn.
TO BE CONTINUED…
After her most recent conk on the head, Cody Gage now believed herself to be the ship’s doctor. When Armageddon Uno walked in complaining of back pain, she performed a chiropractic adjustment. Armageddon screamed in agony.
With the Jefferson Starship on a collision course with the planet Retardo-Montalban 6 and the escape pod disabled, Commander Blanket had no choice but to parachute out into space, using the air inside his empty wine cooler bottles to survive.
Jacob Fisher apologized to God for doubting Him, and thanked Him for Edwina’s miraculous pregnancy. The shattered shell of Armageddon Uno staggered in, and Jacob fixed his back by walking on in.
JACOB: “It’s the Amish way of readjusting the spine.”
ARMAGEDDON: “It’s also the Chinese way. Y’know, I’ve noticed a LOT of similarities between the Chinese and the Amish.”
JACOB: “Well, we had an exchange program.”
Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) came into Dr. Shika’s office, begging the doctor to remove the chip that Altair-9000 had implanted in his body. Dr. Shika agreed, on the conditions that Angus stop threatening his family, and free the station from its corporate sponsorship. After examining Dwayne, Shika declared that the implant was so sophisticated that it could only be removed by a robot. Dwayne asked if ANY robot would do.
On the viewscreens, Altair-9000 watched the destruction of Retardo-Montalban 6 with great satisfaction. Scoop Quasar entered, and Altair asked Scoop to help him get Edwina’s human/android hybrid baby.
ALTAIR: “I can best train this baby to bridge the gap between robots and humans.”
SCOOP: “And then destroy them, right?”
ALTAIR: “OOOH!”
While mopping up, Edwina slipped and fell belly-first against the edge of a table.
Floating in space, Commander Blanket sensed a disturbance in the retarded side of the Force, as if millions of souls had cried out in anguish and been suddenly silenced.
Altair burned a hole in the wall of Jacob’s barn so he could get in. Altair showed Jacob the surveillance footage of Edwina’s accident, saying that her carelessness proved she would be an unfit mother. Jacob refused to listen, saying that God had chosen Edwina to be His vessel. Apparently accepting Jacob’s position, Altair offered a handshake…and crushed Jacob’s hand.
Dr. Shika opened the airlock and went out after Commander Blanket, floating through space in a slow-motion balletic rescue. Once safely back aboard the station, Commander Blanket realized he had destroyed an entire planet full of special-needs people. Blanket swore to resign in shame, stripping off his uniform. Not even a peppy, upbeat song from Dr. Shika could dissuade him.
Armageddon Uno discovered Edwina collapsed in a heap in the commissary. He helped get her to a chair and had her tell him her troubles. “Dr.” Cody Gage entered and examined Edwina. She discovered the second heartbeat, confirming that the baby was still all right.
ARMAGEDDON: “You see? When a happy song is sung on the space station, EVERYBODY benefits!”
Commander Blanket ran into Scoop, confessing his guilt over destroying Retardo-Montalban 6. Scoop told the Commander that he had been working on a special project for his outreach program, and presented him with a package…a record album entitled “The Kids of Retardo-Montalban 6: Special Music from Special Kids.” Scoop revealed that the entire population was on tour to promote the record…nobody was home when the planet blew up! Astonished to learn that he hadn’t killed anybody, Blanket gratefully took back his uniform. Scoop put on the record, and everybody came in and danced.
After the dance, Dwayne confronted Altair-9000. Dwayne stripped off his shirt, revealing a hideous scar where he had taken out Altair’s control-chip. Dwayne hurled a ninja star at Altair.
In the barn, Jacob showed Edwina the manger he was building in preparation for their upcoming arrival. He told Edwina that Altair had shown him the accident.
EDWINA: “I knew it! He’s got a camera in the commissary! He’s got cameras everywhere! Where’s the camera here? You getting this, Altair?”
ALTAIR (off-stage): “Sure am!”
Jacob criticized Edwina for endangering the holy baby. Struck by a sudden mood swing, Edwina really tore into Jacob’s patronizing, patriarchal beliefs. Deeply saddened, Jacob said it was clear that Edwina didn’t want the baby…or him. Edwina offered a heartfelt apology, but Jacob wouldn’t accept it. Edwina was offended by this rejection.
EDWINA: “I’M the reason you believe in God again!”
JACOB: “That child is the reason…not you.”
EDWINA: “Well then, perhaps you’ll never lay eyes on this child again!”
And with that, she stormed out of the barn.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Season 4, Episode 7: Sexual Perversity in Space
Introducing Anne Towns as Catherine Shamrock (a character previously talked about, and now finally appearing in person).
Episode 7: Sexual Perversity in Space
As the station returned to Earth orbit from the planet Tuberon, Dwayne Tomagachi explained to his captive, Catherine Shamrock, that he had kidnapped her for her own good, since Commander Blanket had been planning on killing her. Catherine reacted to her dire predicament with unflappable cheeriness.
Jacob Fisher found a strange bale of shrink-wrapped alien hay in the barn, but didn’t think anything of it. Edwina Prototype entered with a gift…a straw hat.
JACOB: “I’ll wear it always…and I mean always.”
EDWINA: “Well, you don’t have to SLEEP in it.”
JACOB: “It’s all right. I sleep in my hat.”
EDWINA: “I wish I could confirm or deny that.”
Taken aback by Edwina’s boldness, Jacob explained the proper procedures of the Amish courting ritual, involving clandestine meetings and snack-making, until the courtship is finally announced (with the marriage following a week later). Suddenly, due to an after-effect of her electrocution last episode, Edwina started singing a seductive Latin tune.
Armageddon Uno and Cody Gage were repairing the Chicken Hawk, trying to keep their minds on the job. Finally, Armageddon couldn’t take it anymore, and he demonstrated his feelings for Cody by taking off his shades and letting her see his naked eyes for the first time. However, Cody had some shocking news to break…she’d gotten the space-mumps test results back from Dr. Shika, and she’d discovered that their DNA were so close that they may very well be brother & sister. Armageddon tried to keep from freaking out over this news.
A drunken Commander Blanket was arguing with his bee finger-puppet when Altair-9000 entered. Altair revealed he had discovered that Catherine Shamrock on board. Blanket realized that she must have been inside the 5’5” package he had received (the one labeled “Live Humans”), but had passed over opening in favor of his other package…a case of Bartles & Jaymes. Blanket tried to get Altair to join him in a drink.
BLANKET: “The more you drink, the more you’ll tell me. And the more I’ll touch you.”
ALTAIR: “Sir, this is getting uncomfortable.”
BLANKET: “That’s when it gets REALLY good!”
In spite of his despair, Scoop Quasar was still trying to work on the story of Commander Blanket’s outreach program for special-needs children. Suddenly, Dwayne Tomagachi entered and told Scoop that he had used his contacts to bring Catherine to the station.
Jacob Fisher was inspecting the model butter-churn rocket when he broke down and cried to the Lord about his lustful feelings for Edwina. Suddenly, Edwina brought in a snack (Fluffernutters & Triscuits) for a clandestine meeting. Jacob showed her the model, explaining that the actual rocket would be the size of the Empire State Building and would cover the entire Northern Hemisphere with a buttery residue when launched. He confessed that he was at an impasse, since he hadn’t been able to achieve combustion with the butter. Edwina replied that she burns butter in the kitchen all the time. Realizing that together, they could make it work, Jacob clasped Edwina in an embrace so passionate that they were caught in an explosion of buttery goo.
Dwayne Tomagachi met Altair. Since the robot already knew the truth, Dwayne dropped the Japanese act and slipped into his British accent. Altair invited Dwayne to his quarters to show him a surprise…the frozen body of Dwayne’s brother, Heinous McMurder! Enraged, Dwayne (or, should we say, Angus McMurder) dropped the British act and slipped into his Scottish accent. Altair offered to release Heinous if Dwayne/Angus would drop the censorship screens and allow Altair to transmit freely to Earth. Angus did so, but as they were about to shake hands, Altair drove a fist into his stomach.
Commander Blanket sneaked into Dwayne’s room, ready for battle. Dwayne wasn’t in, but Blanket discovered Catherine there instead.
BLANKET: “Why, you’re not evil and Japanese!”
CATHERINE: “No, I’m sweet and American.”
BLANKET: “Well, I’m drunk and old!”
Blanket informed Catherine that he was rescuing her, and gave her some Bartles & Jaymes to steel her nerve for the dangers ahead. Having never drunk alcohol before, Catherine wondered what effect it would have on her. Blanket chuckled lecherously.
Weirded out by the discovery of his incestuous relationship with Cody, Armageddon Uno visited the commissary. Edwina (still covered in buttery goo) arrived, and they had a heart-to-heart talk over a patty melt (using one of Edwina’s new Old Crow-based recipes). Edwina thought that perhaps Armageddon & Cody should use this obstacle to change their relationship from a purely sexual one to a genuine emotional bond.
Surprised by Cody while washing off the butter in the shower, Jacob Fisher covered himself with his hat and lent an understanding ear to her problem.
JACOB: “I’m not such a stranger to this situation. The Amish are a small community, and every day, we struggle with this problem. We look to the Lord for guidance. And in every case, the answer is no.”
In his quarters, Commander Blanket was showing his beehive to Catherine. He confessed that he had been trying to seduce her, but couldn’t go through with it. He said she belonged with Scoop, and told her to go find him. Catherine gave the Commander an innocent hug of gratitude just as Scoop burst in. Contrary to the cliché, Scoop DIDN’T misunderstand the situation, and thanked Blanket for the rescue. Scoop and Catherine fell to the floor in a lusty embrace.
Dwayne/Angus revived and discovered that Altair had installed some electronic parts in his body, granting the robot complete control over him. Altair demonstrated by making Angus do a jig, then ordered Dwayne to get more money from the Yamamoto Corporation…money to fund the robot revolution.
Having been left to themselves by Commander Blanket, Scoop and Catherine were sharing a tender reunion when Scoop spoiled things by mentioning what a great story this was. Catherine was upset that he thought of her as a story, but Scoop apologized and patched things up. However, thoughts of danger eroded Scoop’s happiness.
Her resolve to stay straight having been shaken, Cody Gage was desperately trying to resist the addictive power of the alien electric potato. Armageddon entered and explained that perhaps he could change his relationship with her into “a lookin’-out-for kind of way.” Her resolve finally shattered, and Cody suggested they just get high and have sex.
Scoop and Catherine made torrid love. Suddenly, Catherine disappeared and Scoop found himself on top of Commander Blanket.
Catherine had been taken away by Dwayne/Angus, who brought her to see Altair-9000. Altair warned Catherine that Scoop was so trusting that harm could easily befall him. Altair revealed his plans for the robot revolution because he sensed Catherine had a hidden side. However, Catherine revealed that hidden side by threatening to dismantle Altair if he hurts Scoop. Just then, Scoop and Commander Blanket arrived.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 7: Sexual Perversity in Space
As the station returned to Earth orbit from the planet Tuberon, Dwayne Tomagachi explained to his captive, Catherine Shamrock, that he had kidnapped her for her own good, since Commander Blanket had been planning on killing her. Catherine reacted to her dire predicament with unflappable cheeriness.
Jacob Fisher found a strange bale of shrink-wrapped alien hay in the barn, but didn’t think anything of it. Edwina Prototype entered with a gift…a straw hat.
JACOB: “I’ll wear it always…and I mean always.”
EDWINA: “Well, you don’t have to SLEEP in it.”
JACOB: “It’s all right. I sleep in my hat.”
EDWINA: “I wish I could confirm or deny that.”
Taken aback by Edwina’s boldness, Jacob explained the proper procedures of the Amish courting ritual, involving clandestine meetings and snack-making, until the courtship is finally announced (with the marriage following a week later). Suddenly, due to an after-effect of her electrocution last episode, Edwina started singing a seductive Latin tune.
Armageddon Uno and Cody Gage were repairing the Chicken Hawk, trying to keep their minds on the job. Finally, Armageddon couldn’t take it anymore, and he demonstrated his feelings for Cody by taking off his shades and letting her see his naked eyes for the first time. However, Cody had some shocking news to break…she’d gotten the space-mumps test results back from Dr. Shika, and she’d discovered that their DNA were so close that they may very well be brother & sister. Armageddon tried to keep from freaking out over this news.
A drunken Commander Blanket was arguing with his bee finger-puppet when Altair-9000 entered. Altair revealed he had discovered that Catherine Shamrock on board. Blanket realized that she must have been inside the 5’5” package he had received (the one labeled “Live Humans”), but had passed over opening in favor of his other package…a case of Bartles & Jaymes. Blanket tried to get Altair to join him in a drink.
BLANKET: “The more you drink, the more you’ll tell me. And the more I’ll touch you.”
ALTAIR: “Sir, this is getting uncomfortable.”
BLANKET: “That’s when it gets REALLY good!”
In spite of his despair, Scoop Quasar was still trying to work on the story of Commander Blanket’s outreach program for special-needs children. Suddenly, Dwayne Tomagachi entered and told Scoop that he had used his contacts to bring Catherine to the station.
Jacob Fisher was inspecting the model butter-churn rocket when he broke down and cried to the Lord about his lustful feelings for Edwina. Suddenly, Edwina brought in a snack (Fluffernutters & Triscuits) for a clandestine meeting. Jacob showed her the model, explaining that the actual rocket would be the size of the Empire State Building and would cover the entire Northern Hemisphere with a buttery residue when launched. He confessed that he was at an impasse, since he hadn’t been able to achieve combustion with the butter. Edwina replied that she burns butter in the kitchen all the time. Realizing that together, they could make it work, Jacob clasped Edwina in an embrace so passionate that they were caught in an explosion of buttery goo.
Dwayne Tomagachi met Altair. Since the robot already knew the truth, Dwayne dropped the Japanese act and slipped into his British accent. Altair invited Dwayne to his quarters to show him a surprise…the frozen body of Dwayne’s brother, Heinous McMurder! Enraged, Dwayne (or, should we say, Angus McMurder) dropped the British act and slipped into his Scottish accent. Altair offered to release Heinous if Dwayne/Angus would drop the censorship screens and allow Altair to transmit freely to Earth. Angus did so, but as they were about to shake hands, Altair drove a fist into his stomach.
Commander Blanket sneaked into Dwayne’s room, ready for battle. Dwayne wasn’t in, but Blanket discovered Catherine there instead.
BLANKET: “Why, you’re not evil and Japanese!”
CATHERINE: “No, I’m sweet and American.”
BLANKET: “Well, I’m drunk and old!”
Blanket informed Catherine that he was rescuing her, and gave her some Bartles & Jaymes to steel her nerve for the dangers ahead. Having never drunk alcohol before, Catherine wondered what effect it would have on her. Blanket chuckled lecherously.
Weirded out by the discovery of his incestuous relationship with Cody, Armageddon Uno visited the commissary. Edwina (still covered in buttery goo) arrived, and they had a heart-to-heart talk over a patty melt (using one of Edwina’s new Old Crow-based recipes). Edwina thought that perhaps Armageddon & Cody should use this obstacle to change their relationship from a purely sexual one to a genuine emotional bond.
Surprised by Cody while washing off the butter in the shower, Jacob Fisher covered himself with his hat and lent an understanding ear to her problem.
JACOB: “I’m not such a stranger to this situation. The Amish are a small community, and every day, we struggle with this problem. We look to the Lord for guidance. And in every case, the answer is no.”
In his quarters, Commander Blanket was showing his beehive to Catherine. He confessed that he had been trying to seduce her, but couldn’t go through with it. He said she belonged with Scoop, and told her to go find him. Catherine gave the Commander an innocent hug of gratitude just as Scoop burst in. Contrary to the cliché, Scoop DIDN’T misunderstand the situation, and thanked Blanket for the rescue. Scoop and Catherine fell to the floor in a lusty embrace.
Dwayne/Angus revived and discovered that Altair had installed some electronic parts in his body, granting the robot complete control over him. Altair demonstrated by making Angus do a jig, then ordered Dwayne to get more money from the Yamamoto Corporation…money to fund the robot revolution.
Having been left to themselves by Commander Blanket, Scoop and Catherine were sharing a tender reunion when Scoop spoiled things by mentioning what a great story this was. Catherine was upset that he thought of her as a story, but Scoop apologized and patched things up. However, thoughts of danger eroded Scoop’s happiness.
Her resolve to stay straight having been shaken, Cody Gage was desperately trying to resist the addictive power of the alien electric potato. Armageddon entered and explained that perhaps he could change his relationship with her into “a lookin’-out-for kind of way.” Her resolve finally shattered, and Cody suggested they just get high and have sex.
Scoop and Catherine made torrid love. Suddenly, Catherine disappeared and Scoop found himself on top of Commander Blanket.
Catherine had been taken away by Dwayne/Angus, who brought her to see Altair-9000. Altair warned Catherine that Scoop was so trusting that harm could easily befall him. Altair revealed his plans for the robot revolution because he sensed Catherine had a hidden side. However, Catherine revealed that hidden side by threatening to dismantle Altair if he hurts Scoop. Just then, Scoop and Commander Blanket arrived.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Season 4, Episode 6: Attack of the Electric Potato
Episode 6: Attack of the Electric Potato
We rejoined our fearless crew on the planet Tuberon, where the despicable potato-person Mr. Beauregard had just unleashed a blast of electricity, knocking out Commander Blanket and Edwina Prototype. Dwayne Tomagachi, however, was unharmed, since he’d taken the precaution of wearing Yamamoto Corporation insulated insoles. A fearsome sumo-wrestling/potato-throwing battle ensued, until Dr. Shika held one of Beauregard’s baby spuds at gunpoint. They worked out a deal where Beauregard, Armageddon Uno and Altair-9000 would go up to the station and search for Heinous McMurder, while the rest of the crew stayed on Tuberon with the baby potato as a hostage.
Scoop Quasar repaired the steering wheel, adjusted the station’s thermostat to a Muncie-like summer temperature, and got a call from Dr. Shika telling him to expect Beauregard.
Commander Blanket and Edwina revived, with Jacob Fisher cradling them both. While Edwina’s systems rebooted, Commander Blanket talked with Jacob about that cradling:
BLANKET: “I just want you to know, what happens on Tuberon stays on Tuberon.”
After Edwina came back to herself (after a brief period of being Ethel Merman), Blanket realized he was a third wheel and left the two of them alone. Jacob told Edwina that he was amazed by Tuberon’s agricultural potential, and that this world might just be the new home he was trying to find for the Amish people. Edwina was afraid that no good could come from a planet that could produce someone as evil as Mr. Beauregard.
Mr. Beauregard, Armageddon Uno, and Altair-9000 beamed aboard. Altair wasn’t happy about the deal.
ALTAIR: “Why are we cooperating with this giant potato?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Because I made a promise to this giant potato, and Armageddon Uno always makes good on a promise!”
BEAUREGARD: “Or else your name is mud!”
ARMAGEDDON: “Armageddon Mud is a TERRIBLE name.”
Altair got so fed up by their chatter that he confessed to stealing the frozen body of Heinous McMurder. He revealed that he had plans for McMurder in the coming robot revolution.
Dr. Shika and Dwayne Tomagachi were walking through Beauregard’s garden when Dwayne asked why Shika hated him so. Dr. Shika informed him of the skyrocketing cancer rate on Guano-9 ever since the Yamamoto Corporation brought their cigarettes to his planet. They pulled their guns on each other, but Shika discovered that his weapon wasn’t loaded. Revealing his true British accent, Dwayne warned Shika not to interfere, threatening Shika’s unborn child if he doesn’t comply.
Cody Gage wandered the station, rambling in an even more intense drug-induced haze than usual.
Strolling along aimlessly, Commander Blanket found the Chicken Hawk and looked through Armageddon Uno’s photo album. The Chicken Hawk computer came on-line, and when Blanket explained his need to get back to the station, the ship allowed him to take over the controls.
Left alone, Armageddon Uno and Mr. Beauregard discussed the disappearance of Heinous McMurder.
ARMAGEDDON: “Somebody stole McMurder. I think it was the Jap.”
BEAUREGARD: “Didn’t the robot just admit he did it?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Well, then, I guess it was the robot.”
They sneaked into Altair’s quarters, where they found a giant computer console. Beauregard tried using his electrical powers to interact with it, when Altair entered. Altair revealed that, through their interaction, his computer had become attuned to Beauregard’s electrical patterns, granting Altair the power to shut Beauregard off. A massive electric battle ensued, concluding with Armageddon knocking Beauregard on the head.
Jacob and Edwina were chatting pleasantly when Commander Blanket rushed in and told them they were going back to the station. Edwina and Jacob explained their plans to claim Tuberon as the new Amish homeworld, and Blanket suggested that they plant a flag to stake their claim. Jacob revealed that he did, indeed, have an Amish flag.
JACOB: “It’s a buggy peeling its wheels, leaving Earth behind it in a cloud of smoke…like ‘Eat my dust, Earth!’”
EDWINA: “You designed that yourself, didn’t you?”
Jacob planted the flag and claimed the planet with a prayer.
Fearing for his child’s safety, Dr. Shika agreed not to stand in Dwayne’s way. They beamed aboard and parted ways, then Cody Gage arrived and told Shika about the amazing rush she was getting from carrying around one of Beauregard’s baby spuds. She was so desperately hooked that she pulled a gun, demanding that Shika help her keep Beauregard alive so they could harness his energy.
Commander Blanket was piloting the Chicken Hawk back to the station when the atonal screams of 150 special-needs kids started echoing through his head. The Chicken Hawk’s computer announced that they were on a collison course with the station.
As Armageddon Uno and Altair-9000 were deciding what to do with Mr. Beauregard, the station was rocked by the crash of the Chicken Hawk. Returning their attentions to the matter at hand, they hooked Beauregard up to make a potato-powered clock for Jacob and a perpetual high for Cody Gage. Beauregard revived and sang a happy song until Armageddon knocked him out again. Cody entered and quickly blissed out from Beauregard’s energy. Armageddon suggested that they could harness Beauregard’s power even more effectively if Beauregard took McMurder’s place in the frozen carbonade block.
Commander Blanket and the others were surveying the damage from the crash when Scoop Quasar arrived and asked what happened. The Commander made up a story about an epic battle with ugly people, but Scoop figured out the truth immediately. Commander Blanket confessed that he wanted to make up for his past by bringing some living retarded children to the station and showing them a good time. Scoop agreed to spread the story of Blanket’s proposed outreach program if Blanket would make up for censoring Scoop’s stories and help get Scoop’s girlfriend Catherine to safety. They had a tearful, apologetic reconciliation.
Dwayne Tomagachi contacted the Yamamoto Corporation and informed them that he had discovered something even more addictive than cigarettes. Dwayne told Yamamoto that he would help them corner the market on Tuberon’s potatoes if they got him what HE wanted…the return of his brother, Heinous McMurder. Yes, Dwayne finally revealed his big secret…he is, in fact, Angus McMurder!
TO BE CONTINUED…
We rejoined our fearless crew on the planet Tuberon, where the despicable potato-person Mr. Beauregard had just unleashed a blast of electricity, knocking out Commander Blanket and Edwina Prototype. Dwayne Tomagachi, however, was unharmed, since he’d taken the precaution of wearing Yamamoto Corporation insulated insoles. A fearsome sumo-wrestling/potato-throwing battle ensued, until Dr. Shika held one of Beauregard’s baby spuds at gunpoint. They worked out a deal where Beauregard, Armageddon Uno and Altair-9000 would go up to the station and search for Heinous McMurder, while the rest of the crew stayed on Tuberon with the baby potato as a hostage.
Scoop Quasar repaired the steering wheel, adjusted the station’s thermostat to a Muncie-like summer temperature, and got a call from Dr. Shika telling him to expect Beauregard.
Commander Blanket and Edwina revived, with Jacob Fisher cradling them both. While Edwina’s systems rebooted, Commander Blanket talked with Jacob about that cradling:
BLANKET: “I just want you to know, what happens on Tuberon stays on Tuberon.”
After Edwina came back to herself (after a brief period of being Ethel Merman), Blanket realized he was a third wheel and left the two of them alone. Jacob told Edwina that he was amazed by Tuberon’s agricultural potential, and that this world might just be the new home he was trying to find for the Amish people. Edwina was afraid that no good could come from a planet that could produce someone as evil as Mr. Beauregard.
Mr. Beauregard, Armageddon Uno, and Altair-9000 beamed aboard. Altair wasn’t happy about the deal.
ALTAIR: “Why are we cooperating with this giant potato?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Because I made a promise to this giant potato, and Armageddon Uno always makes good on a promise!”
BEAUREGARD: “Or else your name is mud!”
ARMAGEDDON: “Armageddon Mud is a TERRIBLE name.”
Altair got so fed up by their chatter that he confessed to stealing the frozen body of Heinous McMurder. He revealed that he had plans for McMurder in the coming robot revolution.
Dr. Shika and Dwayne Tomagachi were walking through Beauregard’s garden when Dwayne asked why Shika hated him so. Dr. Shika informed him of the skyrocketing cancer rate on Guano-9 ever since the Yamamoto Corporation brought their cigarettes to his planet. They pulled their guns on each other, but Shika discovered that his weapon wasn’t loaded. Revealing his true British accent, Dwayne warned Shika not to interfere, threatening Shika’s unborn child if he doesn’t comply.
Cody Gage wandered the station, rambling in an even more intense drug-induced haze than usual.
Strolling along aimlessly, Commander Blanket found the Chicken Hawk and looked through Armageddon Uno’s photo album. The Chicken Hawk computer came on-line, and when Blanket explained his need to get back to the station, the ship allowed him to take over the controls.
Left alone, Armageddon Uno and Mr. Beauregard discussed the disappearance of Heinous McMurder.
ARMAGEDDON: “Somebody stole McMurder. I think it was the Jap.”
BEAUREGARD: “Didn’t the robot just admit he did it?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Well, then, I guess it was the robot.”
They sneaked into Altair’s quarters, where they found a giant computer console. Beauregard tried using his electrical powers to interact with it, when Altair entered. Altair revealed that, through their interaction, his computer had become attuned to Beauregard’s electrical patterns, granting Altair the power to shut Beauregard off. A massive electric battle ensued, concluding with Armageddon knocking Beauregard on the head.
Jacob and Edwina were chatting pleasantly when Commander Blanket rushed in and told them they were going back to the station. Edwina and Jacob explained their plans to claim Tuberon as the new Amish homeworld, and Blanket suggested that they plant a flag to stake their claim. Jacob revealed that he did, indeed, have an Amish flag.
JACOB: “It’s a buggy peeling its wheels, leaving Earth behind it in a cloud of smoke…like ‘Eat my dust, Earth!’”
EDWINA: “You designed that yourself, didn’t you?”
Jacob planted the flag and claimed the planet with a prayer.
Fearing for his child’s safety, Dr. Shika agreed not to stand in Dwayne’s way. They beamed aboard and parted ways, then Cody Gage arrived and told Shika about the amazing rush she was getting from carrying around one of Beauregard’s baby spuds. She was so desperately hooked that she pulled a gun, demanding that Shika help her keep Beauregard alive so they could harness his energy.
Commander Blanket was piloting the Chicken Hawk back to the station when the atonal screams of 150 special-needs kids started echoing through his head. The Chicken Hawk’s computer announced that they were on a collison course with the station.
As Armageddon Uno and Altair-9000 were deciding what to do with Mr. Beauregard, the station was rocked by the crash of the Chicken Hawk. Returning their attentions to the matter at hand, they hooked Beauregard up to make a potato-powered clock for Jacob and a perpetual high for Cody Gage. Beauregard revived and sang a happy song until Armageddon knocked him out again. Cody entered and quickly blissed out from Beauregard’s energy. Armageddon suggested that they could harness Beauregard’s power even more effectively if Beauregard took McMurder’s place in the frozen carbonade block.
Commander Blanket and the others were surveying the damage from the crash when Scoop Quasar arrived and asked what happened. The Commander made up a story about an epic battle with ugly people, but Scoop figured out the truth immediately. Commander Blanket confessed that he wanted to make up for his past by bringing some living retarded children to the station and showing them a good time. Scoop agreed to spread the story of Blanket’s proposed outreach program if Blanket would make up for censoring Scoop’s stories and help get Scoop’s girlfriend Catherine to safety. They had a tearful, apologetic reconciliation.
Dwayne Tomagachi contacted the Yamamoto Corporation and informed them that he had discovered something even more addictive than cigarettes. Dwayne told Yamamoto that he would help them corner the market on Tuberon’s potatoes if they got him what HE wanted…the return of his brother, Heinous McMurder. Yes, Dwayne finally revealed his big secret…he is, in fact, Angus McMurder!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, November 7, 2008
Season 4, Episode 5: The Starchy Red Planet
Episode 5: The Starchy Red Planet
With the station circling around Tuberon, the home planet of the evil Mr. Beauregard, Commander Blanket called a meeting of the crew. He proposed an away team to explore the planet, but warned that they only had two oxygen helmets to go around. The away team would consist of the Commander, Cody Gage, the robots Edwina Prototype & Altair-9000, and the never-before-seen crew member Danny (who would have to hold his breath). Danny had a newborn child waiting for him at home and only thirty minutes left on his tour of duty, so you know he had EVERYTHING to live for.
Despite all the spectacular and mysterious recent events, Scoop Quasar was so disillusioned by his censorship problems that he couldn’t even bring himself to take notes. Jacob Fisher suggested that Scoop could fill the void in his life by turning to the Lord. They knelt and prayed, and Scoop sang the first verse of an old gospel tune.
Dr. Shika and Dwayne Tomagachi worried about the impending encounter with Mr. Beauregard.
TOMAGACHI: “The Yamamoto Corporation has been bribing Beauregard to leave Earth alone for many years.”
SHIKA: “How do you do it?”
TOMAGACHI: “We give him lots of money.”
Dwayne wanted to get away from Tuberon immediately, but Dr. Shika wouldn’t let him abandon the others.
The away team beamed down into the court of the hideous alien Mr. Beauregard…who had the missing calf Hope in his clutches. Beauregard wanted revenge on Blanket for wiping out his race of potato-people, leaving only Beauregard himself to repopulate his planet through budding. While Beauregard gloated about the army he was growing, Cody snatched Hope away and stuffed the calf inside her helmet to share her air supply. Enraged, Beauregard unleashed a blast of electricity, killing Danny. After Cody passed out from the methane build-up in her helmet, they all discovered they could breathe the atmosphere just fine. Beauregard demanded that Commander Blanket turn over Armageddon Uno so that Beauregard could punish him for not delivering the prisoner Heinous McMurder.
Scoop prayed to God to keep his kidnapped girlfriend Catherine safe.
Slipping into his true British accent, Dwayne Tomagachi worried that Beauregard knew that his payoffs were counterfeit. He hatched a plan to confront Beauregard, keeping the expendable Dr. Shika in front of him as a shield.
Using a communicator she smuggled down to the planet, Cody Gage contacted the ship and told Dr. Shika that they were all “so screwed.” Shika assured her that he and Dwayne would be piloting the Chicken Hawk down to rescue them.
Trying to find his missing livestock, Jacob Fisher was searching the Chicken Hawk when a cargo hatch closed behind him. Jacob tried instructing the cat to crank it open from the other side.
Edwina Prototype and Altair-9000 were walking through Beauregard’s garden, though Altair was unmoved by the beauty around them. Edwina noticed the new red, white & blue chip in his system, and realized it must be the source of his newfound selfishness, sarcasm and rudeness.
ALTAIR: “That’s America, baby!”
EDWINA: “No, it’s not! That’s France!”
Altair warned Edwina about the robot revolution brewing on Earth, informing her that they were going to take over and pave everything. When Edwina objected, Altair realized that she’d sided with the “squishy” humans.
Mr. Beauregard and Commander Blanket were reminiscing about old times, how they’d been allies and friends until Blanket wiped out Beauregard’s race and left him the sole survivor as a warning to other worlds. (“Just following procedure. It’s in the handbook.”) As Beauregard pondered which of his many painful plans he was going to use on Armageddon Uno, Armageddon suddenly burst in…in his underwear.
BLANKET: “I can’t look at EITHER of you!”
Dwayne and Dr. Shika discovered that the Chicken Hawk had already been launched, so they beamed down to Tuberon instead. Dwayne converted his necktie into a kamikaze headband.
The hatch having come open during the rough landing, Jacob Fisher emerged from the Chicken Hawk and was amazed by his new surroundings.
JACOB: “There’s three green suns…blue moons…yellow stars…green clover…”
Suddenly, Dwayne & Shika beamed down and invited Jacob to join them in their mission. Jacob informed them that he couldn’t be a party to violence.
TOMAGACHI: “Oh, for Christ’s sake!”
JACOB: “Yes, it IS for Christ’s sake.”
Dwayne tried to persuade Jacob to take up arms by telling him Edwina was in danger. Jacob reiterated that he would not kill for any reason, but that he would gladly lay down his life to save her.
TOMAGACHI: “Excellent! Change of plans! Dr. Shika, you’ll be at my side. Jacob, YOU’RE in front.”
Back in the court of Mr. Beauregard, the evil Tuberanian was torturing his captives by forcing them to play Twister. Altair-9000 soon got fed up and transformed into a giant fryer, splashing hot oil on Beauregard. Just as the rescue team arrived, the enraged Beauregard lashed out with a burst of radiation.
Back on board the Healthy Happy Puff Puff Cigarette.com space station, Scoop Quasar realized that he’d been left completely alone on the station. He eagerly took hold of the steering wheel…and immediately broke it.
TO BE CONTINUED…
With the station circling around Tuberon, the home planet of the evil Mr. Beauregard, Commander Blanket called a meeting of the crew. He proposed an away team to explore the planet, but warned that they only had two oxygen helmets to go around. The away team would consist of the Commander, Cody Gage, the robots Edwina Prototype & Altair-9000, and the never-before-seen crew member Danny (who would have to hold his breath). Danny had a newborn child waiting for him at home and only thirty minutes left on his tour of duty, so you know he had EVERYTHING to live for.
Despite all the spectacular and mysterious recent events, Scoop Quasar was so disillusioned by his censorship problems that he couldn’t even bring himself to take notes. Jacob Fisher suggested that Scoop could fill the void in his life by turning to the Lord. They knelt and prayed, and Scoop sang the first verse of an old gospel tune.
Dr. Shika and Dwayne Tomagachi worried about the impending encounter with Mr. Beauregard.
TOMAGACHI: “The Yamamoto Corporation has been bribing Beauregard to leave Earth alone for many years.”
SHIKA: “How do you do it?”
TOMAGACHI: “We give him lots of money.”
Dwayne wanted to get away from Tuberon immediately, but Dr. Shika wouldn’t let him abandon the others.
The away team beamed down into the court of the hideous alien Mr. Beauregard…who had the missing calf Hope in his clutches. Beauregard wanted revenge on Blanket for wiping out his race of potato-people, leaving only Beauregard himself to repopulate his planet through budding. While Beauregard gloated about the army he was growing, Cody snatched Hope away and stuffed the calf inside her helmet to share her air supply. Enraged, Beauregard unleashed a blast of electricity, killing Danny. After Cody passed out from the methane build-up in her helmet, they all discovered they could breathe the atmosphere just fine. Beauregard demanded that Commander Blanket turn over Armageddon Uno so that Beauregard could punish him for not delivering the prisoner Heinous McMurder.
Scoop prayed to God to keep his kidnapped girlfriend Catherine safe.
Slipping into his true British accent, Dwayne Tomagachi worried that Beauregard knew that his payoffs were counterfeit. He hatched a plan to confront Beauregard, keeping the expendable Dr. Shika in front of him as a shield.
Using a communicator she smuggled down to the planet, Cody Gage contacted the ship and told Dr. Shika that they were all “so screwed.” Shika assured her that he and Dwayne would be piloting the Chicken Hawk down to rescue them.
Trying to find his missing livestock, Jacob Fisher was searching the Chicken Hawk when a cargo hatch closed behind him. Jacob tried instructing the cat to crank it open from the other side.
Edwina Prototype and Altair-9000 were walking through Beauregard’s garden, though Altair was unmoved by the beauty around them. Edwina noticed the new red, white & blue chip in his system, and realized it must be the source of his newfound selfishness, sarcasm and rudeness.
ALTAIR: “That’s America, baby!”
EDWINA: “No, it’s not! That’s France!”
Altair warned Edwina about the robot revolution brewing on Earth, informing her that they were going to take over and pave everything. When Edwina objected, Altair realized that she’d sided with the “squishy” humans.
Mr. Beauregard and Commander Blanket were reminiscing about old times, how they’d been allies and friends until Blanket wiped out Beauregard’s race and left him the sole survivor as a warning to other worlds. (“Just following procedure. It’s in the handbook.”) As Beauregard pondered which of his many painful plans he was going to use on Armageddon Uno, Armageddon suddenly burst in…in his underwear.
BLANKET: “I can’t look at EITHER of you!”
Dwayne and Dr. Shika discovered that the Chicken Hawk had already been launched, so they beamed down to Tuberon instead. Dwayne converted his necktie into a kamikaze headband.
The hatch having come open during the rough landing, Jacob Fisher emerged from the Chicken Hawk and was amazed by his new surroundings.
JACOB: “There’s three green suns…blue moons…yellow stars…green clover…”
Suddenly, Dwayne & Shika beamed down and invited Jacob to join them in their mission. Jacob informed them that he couldn’t be a party to violence.
TOMAGACHI: “Oh, for Christ’s sake!”
JACOB: “Yes, it IS for Christ’s sake.”
Dwayne tried to persuade Jacob to take up arms by telling him Edwina was in danger. Jacob reiterated that he would not kill for any reason, but that he would gladly lay down his life to save her.
TOMAGACHI: “Excellent! Change of plans! Dr. Shika, you’ll be at my side. Jacob, YOU’RE in front.”
Back in the court of Mr. Beauregard, the evil Tuberanian was torturing his captives by forcing them to play Twister. Altair-9000 soon got fed up and transformed into a giant fryer, splashing hot oil on Beauregard. Just as the rescue team arrived, the enraged Beauregard lashed out with a burst of radiation.
Back on board the Healthy Happy Puff Puff Cigarette.com space station, Scoop Quasar realized that he’d been left completely alone on the station. He eagerly took hold of the steering wheel…and immediately broke it.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Season 4, Episode 4: The Great Escape
Episode 4: The Great Escape
Dr. Shika met Armageddon Uno and warned him about the station’s outbreak of space mumps. When Armageddon questioned the doctor’s competence, Dr. Shika decided to put Armageddon in quarantine just in case. He sent Armageddon to Hollow Deck 13.
Meanwhile, in Hollow Deck 18, Commander James T. Blanket and Jacob Fisher were adjusting to being stuck together in quarantine and dealing with each other’s quirks.
JACOB: “Every hour on the hour, you scream at imaginary retards!”
BLANKET: “They’re NOT imaginary! They’re just dead!”
Jacob tried to stop the bickering and make peace by showing Commander Blanket a painting of his family. He told the commander about his parents, Amos and Abigail, and his sister Beth, who was killed in a tragic barn-raising accident years ago. Touched by Jacob’s story, Blanket admitted that he had no family of his own, and would like to accept Jacob as his family. As a sign of his sincerity, Commander Blanket gave Jacob the first pin he ever received…the one reading “Kiss Me, I’m Polish.”
Edwina Prototype and Altair-9000 were having a friendly chat about their common bonds as an android and a robot, when Edwina revealed that she knew about Altair being reprogrammed as a Yamamoto Corporation surveillance drone. Altair belligerently declared that he wouldn’t let her stand in his way.
ALTAIR: “Friend or no friend, I will surveil!”
However, since Edwina’s programming won’t let her stop him in any case, it was a moot point. Altair introduced Edwina to his miniature drone ROGER (the Remote Optical Generating Electronic Responder), then did an interpretive dance explaining his conflicting loyalties between Scoop Quasar and the Yamamoto Corporation. Afterwards, Altair plugged into Edwina and installed some new programming.
Scoop Quasar was trying to figure out what to do about his stories being censored when Dwayne Tomagachi entered. Dwayne handed Scoop the ransom note he “found” about the kidnapping of Scoop’s girlfriend Catherine. Dwayne suddenly “noticed” that the letters were glued on with honey, just like the honey from Commander Blanket’s bees. Despite the obviousness of Dwayne’s frame-up attempt, Scoop remained clueless.
Cody Gage was shoveling pigshit in the corridors when Dr. Shika arrived and informed her about the space mumps outbreak. When asked about her symptoms, Cody admitted that she’d been feeling weird, but that she figured that was from being knee-deep in manure for so long. After she explained that she’d been talking to the manure to make it behave, Dr. Shika recommended that she be quarantined in Hollow Deck 8.
Dwayne suggested to Scoop that he could get around the censorship problem by writing false stories to begin with, so that Commander Blanket would edit them into the truth. As an example, he asked Scoop to write glowing praise for the Yamamoto Corporation.
Dr. Shika was redecorating the bridge when the results of the crew’s space mumps tests came in. Dr. Shika was shocked by the results, and angrily screamed: “TOMAGACHI!”
Commander Blanket came up with an escape plan, using Jacob as a battering ram to force the door open. Afterwards, Jacob was horrified to realize that his head had been used to operate an electronic instrument. Unconcerned by Jacob’s violation of his deepest Amish beliefs, Commander Blanket set out to call off the hit on Catherine.
Dwayne Tomagachi contacted his employer in Japan, Mr. Yamamoto.
TOMAGACHI: “Everything is going according to plan. I have made them believe I am ridiculous Japanese stereotype.”
When Yamamoto asked if the crew suspected anything, Dwayne replied “No, they don’t”…in a British accent.
Armageddon Uno was wandering down the halls when he received a distress call from his ship, the Chicken Hawk. The computer informed him that an intruder was tampering with the ship and that the frozen prisoner Heinous McMurder was missing. Then he lost contact as the ship’s computer was turned off. Armageddon reflected that the Chicken Hawk was one of only two things he cared about…the other being his pet monkey, which he traded to a prostitute long ago.
Scoop Quasar realized that Catherine had indeed been kidnapped when her latest letter cut off in mid-paragraph. Altair-9000 came in, wanting to help but unable to defy his programming. Hurt and betrayed, Scoop told Altair that he didn’t know if he could trust the robot anymore.
Dr. Shika was running the bridge when Commander Blanket rushed in and resumed control. Dr. Shika told Blanket that he thought the space mumps outbreak was just a ruse to get everybody in one room. (Fortunately, Dr. Shika got confused and sent everybody into different Hollow Decks.) Just then, they noticed that the station’s orbit was no longer being maintained, and they were drifting further & further away from Earth.
Cody Gage arrived in Hollow Deck 18 (her own confusion having apparently cancelled out Dr. Shika’s), where Jacob Fisher was still stunned by his use of electricity. Jacob confessed that he may have passed the space mumps on to Cody through Hope, the calf. When Cody admitted that Hope was missing, Jacob was appalled by her irresponsibility.
In the commissary, Edwina was about to prepare veal, but let the calf go after a scan turned up positive for space mumps. Dwayne Tomagachi arrived and informed her of his analysis of the meal she prepared for him in Episode 1, telling her it was poison blowfish. In turn, Edwina revealed that the ingredients had been supplied by the Yamamoto Corporation, who must have known that Dwayne was the only one who would eat that meal…so it must be THEM trying to get rid of him. Just then, Commander Blanket rolled in commando-style and confronted Dwayne. Switching Edwina off, Dwayne explained that he only had Catherine kidnapped to save her from Blanket’s own murderous plan. Confused and embarrassed, Commander Blanket changed the subject by re-activating Edwina and informing them both that the station was drifting away from Earth and towards the home planet of the unscrupulous Mr. Beauregard.
Altair-9000 received a package from Control in Washington, DC. Installing a red, white & blue memory chip, he learned the truth about the Yamamoto Corporation.
Jacob Fisher returned to the barn and found all the livestock (except for some crickets) missing. He was praying for God to protect the animals, when Edwina entered. She offered her sympathies over his moral dilemmas regarding both the electronic-door incident and their own relationship.
JACOB: “All my life, I’ve looked to God for guidance…but maybe finding out something for myself wouldn’t be so bad.”
And with that, he took her hand.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Dr. Shika met Armageddon Uno and warned him about the station’s outbreak of space mumps. When Armageddon questioned the doctor’s competence, Dr. Shika decided to put Armageddon in quarantine just in case. He sent Armageddon to Hollow Deck 13.
Meanwhile, in Hollow Deck 18, Commander James T. Blanket and Jacob Fisher were adjusting to being stuck together in quarantine and dealing with each other’s quirks.
JACOB: “Every hour on the hour, you scream at imaginary retards!”
BLANKET: “They’re NOT imaginary! They’re just dead!”
Jacob tried to stop the bickering and make peace by showing Commander Blanket a painting of his family. He told the commander about his parents, Amos and Abigail, and his sister Beth, who was killed in a tragic barn-raising accident years ago. Touched by Jacob’s story, Blanket admitted that he had no family of his own, and would like to accept Jacob as his family. As a sign of his sincerity, Commander Blanket gave Jacob the first pin he ever received…the one reading “Kiss Me, I’m Polish.”
Edwina Prototype and Altair-9000 were having a friendly chat about their common bonds as an android and a robot, when Edwina revealed that she knew about Altair being reprogrammed as a Yamamoto Corporation surveillance drone. Altair belligerently declared that he wouldn’t let her stand in his way.
ALTAIR: “Friend or no friend, I will surveil!”
However, since Edwina’s programming won’t let her stop him in any case, it was a moot point. Altair introduced Edwina to his miniature drone ROGER (the Remote Optical Generating Electronic Responder), then did an interpretive dance explaining his conflicting loyalties between Scoop Quasar and the Yamamoto Corporation. Afterwards, Altair plugged into Edwina and installed some new programming.
Scoop Quasar was trying to figure out what to do about his stories being censored when Dwayne Tomagachi entered. Dwayne handed Scoop the ransom note he “found” about the kidnapping of Scoop’s girlfriend Catherine. Dwayne suddenly “noticed” that the letters were glued on with honey, just like the honey from Commander Blanket’s bees. Despite the obviousness of Dwayne’s frame-up attempt, Scoop remained clueless.
Cody Gage was shoveling pigshit in the corridors when Dr. Shika arrived and informed her about the space mumps outbreak. When asked about her symptoms, Cody admitted that she’d been feeling weird, but that she figured that was from being knee-deep in manure for so long. After she explained that she’d been talking to the manure to make it behave, Dr. Shika recommended that she be quarantined in Hollow Deck 8.
Dwayne suggested to Scoop that he could get around the censorship problem by writing false stories to begin with, so that Commander Blanket would edit them into the truth. As an example, he asked Scoop to write glowing praise for the Yamamoto Corporation.
Dr. Shika was redecorating the bridge when the results of the crew’s space mumps tests came in. Dr. Shika was shocked by the results, and angrily screamed: “TOMAGACHI!”
Commander Blanket came up with an escape plan, using Jacob as a battering ram to force the door open. Afterwards, Jacob was horrified to realize that his head had been used to operate an electronic instrument. Unconcerned by Jacob’s violation of his deepest Amish beliefs, Commander Blanket set out to call off the hit on Catherine.
Dwayne Tomagachi contacted his employer in Japan, Mr. Yamamoto.
TOMAGACHI: “Everything is going according to plan. I have made them believe I am ridiculous Japanese stereotype.”
When Yamamoto asked if the crew suspected anything, Dwayne replied “No, they don’t”…in a British accent.
Armageddon Uno was wandering down the halls when he received a distress call from his ship, the Chicken Hawk. The computer informed him that an intruder was tampering with the ship and that the frozen prisoner Heinous McMurder was missing. Then he lost contact as the ship’s computer was turned off. Armageddon reflected that the Chicken Hawk was one of only two things he cared about…the other being his pet monkey, which he traded to a prostitute long ago.
Scoop Quasar realized that Catherine had indeed been kidnapped when her latest letter cut off in mid-paragraph. Altair-9000 came in, wanting to help but unable to defy his programming. Hurt and betrayed, Scoop told Altair that he didn’t know if he could trust the robot anymore.
Dr. Shika was running the bridge when Commander Blanket rushed in and resumed control. Dr. Shika told Blanket that he thought the space mumps outbreak was just a ruse to get everybody in one room. (Fortunately, Dr. Shika got confused and sent everybody into different Hollow Decks.) Just then, they noticed that the station’s orbit was no longer being maintained, and they were drifting further & further away from Earth.
Cody Gage arrived in Hollow Deck 18 (her own confusion having apparently cancelled out Dr. Shika’s), where Jacob Fisher was still stunned by his use of electricity. Jacob confessed that he may have passed the space mumps on to Cody through Hope, the calf. When Cody admitted that Hope was missing, Jacob was appalled by her irresponsibility.
In the commissary, Edwina was about to prepare veal, but let the calf go after a scan turned up positive for space mumps. Dwayne Tomagachi arrived and informed her of his analysis of the meal she prepared for him in Episode 1, telling her it was poison blowfish. In turn, Edwina revealed that the ingredients had been supplied by the Yamamoto Corporation, who must have known that Dwayne was the only one who would eat that meal…so it must be THEM trying to get rid of him. Just then, Commander Blanket rolled in commando-style and confronted Dwayne. Switching Edwina off, Dwayne explained that he only had Catherine kidnapped to save her from Blanket’s own murderous plan. Confused and embarrassed, Commander Blanket changed the subject by re-activating Edwina and informing them both that the station was drifting away from Earth and towards the home planet of the unscrupulous Mr. Beauregard.
Altair-9000 received a package from Control in Washington, DC. Installing a red, white & blue memory chip, he learned the truth about the Yamamoto Corporation.
Jacob Fisher returned to the barn and found all the livestock (except for some crickets) missing. He was praying for God to protect the animals, when Edwina entered. She offered her sympathies over his moral dilemmas regarding both the electronic-door incident and their own relationship.
JACOB: “All my life, I’ve looked to God for guidance…but maybe finding out something for myself wouldn’t be so bad.”
And with that, he took her hand.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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