And now, the final episode of the Miami season!
Episode 9: Everybody Dies
Mayoral candidates Dan Mandarino and Jim McMayonnaise met for a debate, with the Commodore moderating. Jim revealed that he was running for a sympathy vote, explaining that he not only had just a few months to live, but on top of that he was going blind. The only thing he wanted before his death was to be mayor. Dan started his rebuttal, but the Commodore declared that time was up as soon as Dan opened his mouth.
At a homeless mission, a bedraggled figure was trying to open a can of beans with his teeth when Sir John Holmes entered. Using his astounding powers of deduction, he calculated that this shabby vagabond was either the Captain (of The Captain & Tennille) or Angelo Lansbury. Angelo explained that, after he lost all his cocaine, the rest of his fortune went with it. Holmes warned Angelo that he still blamed him for introducing cocaine to England…and causing the death of Holmes’ son. Angelo pleaded for mercy, explaining that he knew who now had his cocaine. Reluctantly, Holmes and Angelo agreed to work together to track down Miami’s new druglord, Orville Furman.
Outgoing Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some last-minute paperwork, distraught over the recall election. She couldn’t believe that such an important race had been reduced to a dog-and-pony show with two football stars and other celebrities vying for attention. The Commodore entered to ask why she hadn’t entered the debate. She replied “What’s the point of debating morons?” The Commodore urged her not to give up, and she revealed that she wasn’t giving up her fight against evil…she was only giving up the mayor’s office so she wouldn’t be bound by legal restraints. Once she’s free from office, she can fight evil on her own terms, and live up to her middle name…Shula Ramberg Goldamayer.
The newly-wealthy Detective Orville Furman was compensating Simpson and Snatch for all their years of lousy pay, taking them shopping for new shoes. When they asked where he got all this money, he told them he “inherited” it. They decided to go out and get messed up. (Since Snatch was pregnant, Simpson agreed to get messed up enough for both of them.)
At Pepino’s, Dan was drowning his sorrows while Snatch was drinking near-beer. He asked her why she was siding with Jim McMayonnaise when she was carrying Dan’s child. She replied that Jim truly cared about her, whereas Dan just kept throwing footballs and daiquiris at her. She told Dan that she had good news and bad news.
DAN: “Gimme the bad news first, then gimme the good news twice.”
SNATCH: “Well, the good news and the bad news is really the same thing, so…Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me.”
DAN: “I think Jim McMayonnaise just signed his own death warrant.”
Jim McMayonnaise was filming a public service announcement with Angelo Lansbury to fight hunger (by feeding Angelo a Touchdown Honey Bun). Suddenly, a football flew through the air, narrowly missing Jim. Shrugging off the incident, Jim bragged that the election was in the bag…he had fixed the election by telling the Make-a-Wish Foundation that he was dying and going blind, and they were going to make his wish of being mayor come true. Angelo warned Jim that he’d made a big mistake by lying to the Make-a-Wish Foundation…if you tell them you’re dying, and you don’t die, they kill you anyway. Jim realized that his only hope of surviving was to develop a terminal illness. Suddenly, another football narrowly missed Jim.
Sir John Holmes and Officer Simpson were practicing at the firing range when Holmes tried to break the news that Detective Furman was engaged in illegal activities. She couldn’t believe what he was saying about her “soul-mate,” then offered to show off her marksmanship by shooting the corncob pipe out of Holmes’ mouth.
Detective Furman was in his new high-rise apartment when Shula smashed down the door. Furman once again tried to accuse Shula of being the real druglord (having planted more cocaine in her desk), but she wasn’t having any part of it. She pulled out her Throwing Star of David.
The Commodore went to say goodbye to Snatch, explaining that he’d been offered a position at Langley University, to work on the most advanced computer program in existence…the Altair Project, creating artificial intelligence in a clunky robot body. Snatch replied that it was probably for the best, since she was going to marry Jim McMayonnaise anyway. They would each find their own happiness, Snatch with Jim and the Commodore with his project.
Detective Furman was weighing out his cocaine in his high-rise when Angelo entered. As Furman gloated over taking over Angelo’s business, Angelo presented him with one of the “perks” of the business…a bill for all the cocaine Furman had stolen, along with moving expenses. When Furman protested, Angelo threatened to take him to The People’s Court.
Snatch was trying on bridal gowns (and admiring her ass in the mirror) when Poppi arrived, wearing a beautiful gown. He explained that he had returned to Miami to be her bridesmaid. He presented her with something old (his old Village People biker cap), something new (a Reese’s peanut butter cup), something borrowed (a condom he borrowed from a friend), and something blue (a picture of a guy he blew).
At Pepino’s, Jim McMayonnaise’s bachelor party was in full swing. The Commodore presented Jim with a program he’d written where a woman takes off her pixilated clothing…he called it “Leisure Suit Larry.” Sir John Holmes suggested that they employ the services of a lady of the evening. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim.
Dan Mandarino told Simpson about his plan to kill Jim McMayonnaise and then marry Snatch himself. He showed her the ring he’d gotten for Snatch, containing the densest diamond known to man (“It’s the God-Ring”). When Simpson asked what was in this plan for her, he replied that HE was in it for her.
Angelo Lansbury and Detective Furman went on The People’s Court, presided over by special guest judge Tony Danza. Furman argued that when Angelo gave him a kilo of cocaine as a gift back in the first episode, that meant that he was entitled to the rest of Angelo’s cocaine. Unimpressed, Tony Danza ruled in Angelo’s favor. Suddenly, Shula burst in, shirtless (but thankfully still wearing a bra), wearing a headband, and carrying a huge machine-gun. No longer was she Mayor Goldamayer…now, she was RAMBERG! Ramberg struck a blow for justice by shooting Detective Furman repeatedly. Tony Danza used his “Who’s the Boss” housekeeping skills to clean up the mess.
The wedding of Officer Snatch and Jim McMayonnaise was about to begin, with the Commodore conducting the service, Poppi as the bridesmaid, and Tony Danza as the best man. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim, but the ceremony continued. More footballs struck, this time actually hitting Jim. The Commodore spotted the assassin, Dan Mandarino. The Commodore took a football, but wrestled Dan to the ground. Despite having killed the groom, Dan asked Snatch to forgive him and marry him instead. Before she could reply, the mortally-injured Commodore threw one of Dan’s own footballs at him. With almost everybody else dead, Snatch asked Tony Danza to marry her.
Ramberg prepared to announce the results of the election, even though both candidates had just died. Opening the envelope, she was stunned to discover that the winner was a write-in candidate…Ramberg! Suddenly, the spirits of Detective Furman, Dan Mandarino, and Jim McMayonnaise appeared, swearing to haunt her. Luckily, being Jewish, she didn’t believe in them. The spirits departed, and Angelo Lansbury arrived. He explained that losing his fortune had made him see the error of his ways, and he wanted to atone for his past. He revealed that he had organized the write-in campaign that restored her to office. Suddenly, Sir John Holmes arrived, still seeking revenge for his son’s death. Angelo calmly walked up to Holmes, explaining his new program of forgiveness, which he called “Hugs, Not Drugs.” Angelo hugged Holmes, who dropped his billy club and broke down crying.
POPPI: “This is the Miami I’ve come to know and love!”
THE END
Showing posts with label poppi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poppi. Show all posts
Monday, January 26, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Season 7, Episode 6: Hot Salsa
Episode 6: Hot Salsa
Angelo Lansbury offered his condolences to Buster Banks over Dixie Greenflag’s death. (“Even though I would have killed her myself, I’m sorry for your loss.”) Buster informed Angelo that he had killed Dixie’s murderer, Rodriguez Philbin. However, before he died, Rodriguez had called Buster “brother”…which would mean that Angelo is Buster’s father. They headed out to get a paternity test.
Poppi was preparing for a busy night at his nightclub, Coconutz, when a mysterious and beautiful woman entered. Introducing herself as Claudia, she explained that she had come to Miami from Colombia, and was opening her own Salsa nightclub two blocks away. Poppi was so shaken by the competition that his theme music failed him.
At City Hall, Mayor Shula Goldamayer promoted Officer Simpson to be the new chief of police in Detective Furman’s absence. She asked Simpson to take down Angelo Lansbury by hitting him where it hurts the most…in his testicles.
Officer Snatch was cooking up some Cap’n Crunch for breakfast in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Dan woke up and reflected on how good life was as a swinging bachelor with nothing to tie him down. Snatch informed him that “There’s a biscuit in the proverbial toaster-oven that is my uterus.” She wasn’t sure whether the baby was Dan’s, Buster’s, Rodriguez’, or even Poppi’s. Stunned, Dan asked her to take a paternity test.
After sinking all his money into “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster was down to his last $3.00. Shula Goldamayer entered and offered him a job filming a campaign commercial for her. (“I’ve been a big fan of your work ever since ‘Diddler on the Roof.’”) Suddenly, Buster got a phone call from the paternity clinic…he was indeed Angelo Lansbury’s son.
Dan Mandarino was signing autographs at the mall when Poppi rushed in with the news that Claudia was planning to run Poppi out of business. Dan promised to use his authority as a newly-appointed police officer, as well as his “inimmunity” from prosecution, to run Claudia out of town. In return, Dan asked Poppi for a blood sample for Snatch’s paternity test.
Simpson and Snatch set off to carry out Simpson’s assignment of testicular punishment for Angelo. Arriving in Angelo’s office, Simpson informed him that, as the new chief of police, she had to be tough on crime and take him in. When Angelo protested that they needed him to provide them with cocaine, they informed him that they had a new connection, “a new lady in town.” Simpson ordered Angelo to drop his pants. When he complied, Simpson and Snatch were awestruck by the sight, and decided that Angelo belonged in one of Buster Banks’ porn movies.
It was opening night at Claudia’s new Salsa nightclub, Pepino’s, and everybody who’s anybody was there. (Even the guy who writes these summaries got in on the action.) When Angelo Lansbury arrived, Shula punched him in the nuts. Buster retaliated by punching Shula. However, not even the brawl could dampen the spirits of the other partyers. Outside, a despondent Poppi looked in through the window.
The next day, Chief Simpson came to make sure Claudia’s beer and wine license was in order. Claudia explained that she was expecting the license in the mail. In the meantime, Claudia prepared her specialty, a “Hot Passion shooter,” then offered Simpson some Salsa dance lessons to make her irresistible to men. (“Imagine that every time you move your body, you’re having tiny little orgasms all over.”) As Claudia stood behind Simpson for the lesson, Simpson felt something odd.
SIMPSON: “Is that a gun in your crotch?”
CLAUDIA: “As a matter of fact, it is.”
Suddenly, Claudia chloroformed Simpson.
After the world premiere of “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster and Shula were having a drink to apologize to each other for the brawl. Buster revealed that the premiere had gone so well that he’d gotten job offers from Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. The opportunity was too good for him to pass up, so he’d have to leave. Shula and Buster had a tearful farewell, then ran off to have “crying sex.”
With Coconutz gone out of business, Poppi headed out on the road, carrying a bindlestiff (you know, those bag-on-a-stick hobo things…). Officer Snatch came by to say goodbye, and asked him where he was going. Poppi explained that he was planning to become a theatre critic in “the only city gayer than Miami…Atlanta, Georgia.” He said goodbye to Snatch. (“You are the only woman who could get me to stick my penis in a natural vagina.”) Taking that as a cue, Snatch asked Poppi for a blood sample for the paternity test. Anticipating her request, Poppi presented her with a poem he had written in his own blood: “It’s a Marshmallow World in the Winter.”
Buster told Angelo that he was going to L.A. to work as an assistant director on “Howard the Duck”…and that the paternity test confirmed that Angelo was his father. Angelo and Buster caught up on their relationship by having all the usual father-son arguments in under a minute. As a farewell present, Angelo presented Buster with a ring that had been passed down through his family since the days of the cocaine Vikings.
Dan and Snatch brought the blood samples to the Mayor’s office, where Shula ran them through her DNA-anator. After getting the results, Shula informed Snatch that she was carrying twins. One was Dan’s, and the other… (Dramatic musical sting as the scene ends before she completes the sentence.)
Simpson regained consciousness in the back room of Pepino’s, where Claudia stood over her gloating. Claudia dropped her accent and confessed that her true purpose in coming to Miami was not just to run Poppi out of business, but to get revenge on Simpson and Snatch. When Simpson asked why, Claudia took off her wig and revealed her true identity…she’s Snatch’s sister, Patch.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Angelo Lansbury offered his condolences to Buster Banks over Dixie Greenflag’s death. (“Even though I would have killed her myself, I’m sorry for your loss.”) Buster informed Angelo that he had killed Dixie’s murderer, Rodriguez Philbin. However, before he died, Rodriguez had called Buster “brother”…which would mean that Angelo is Buster’s father. They headed out to get a paternity test.
Poppi was preparing for a busy night at his nightclub, Coconutz, when a mysterious and beautiful woman entered. Introducing herself as Claudia, she explained that she had come to Miami from Colombia, and was opening her own Salsa nightclub two blocks away. Poppi was so shaken by the competition that his theme music failed him.
At City Hall, Mayor Shula Goldamayer promoted Officer Simpson to be the new chief of police in Detective Furman’s absence. She asked Simpson to take down Angelo Lansbury by hitting him where it hurts the most…in his testicles.
Officer Snatch was cooking up some Cap’n Crunch for breakfast in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Dan woke up and reflected on how good life was as a swinging bachelor with nothing to tie him down. Snatch informed him that “There’s a biscuit in the proverbial toaster-oven that is my uterus.” She wasn’t sure whether the baby was Dan’s, Buster’s, Rodriguez’, or even Poppi’s. Stunned, Dan asked her to take a paternity test.
After sinking all his money into “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster was down to his last $3.00. Shula Goldamayer entered and offered him a job filming a campaign commercial for her. (“I’ve been a big fan of your work ever since ‘Diddler on the Roof.’”) Suddenly, Buster got a phone call from the paternity clinic…he was indeed Angelo Lansbury’s son.
Dan Mandarino was signing autographs at the mall when Poppi rushed in with the news that Claudia was planning to run Poppi out of business. Dan promised to use his authority as a newly-appointed police officer, as well as his “inimmunity” from prosecution, to run Claudia out of town. In return, Dan asked Poppi for a blood sample for Snatch’s paternity test.
Simpson and Snatch set off to carry out Simpson’s assignment of testicular punishment for Angelo. Arriving in Angelo’s office, Simpson informed him that, as the new chief of police, she had to be tough on crime and take him in. When Angelo protested that they needed him to provide them with cocaine, they informed him that they had a new connection, “a new lady in town.” Simpson ordered Angelo to drop his pants. When he complied, Simpson and Snatch were awestruck by the sight, and decided that Angelo belonged in one of Buster Banks’ porn movies.
It was opening night at Claudia’s new Salsa nightclub, Pepino’s, and everybody who’s anybody was there. (Even the guy who writes these summaries got in on the action.) When Angelo Lansbury arrived, Shula punched him in the nuts. Buster retaliated by punching Shula. However, not even the brawl could dampen the spirits of the other partyers. Outside, a despondent Poppi looked in through the window.
The next day, Chief Simpson came to make sure Claudia’s beer and wine license was in order. Claudia explained that she was expecting the license in the mail. In the meantime, Claudia prepared her specialty, a “Hot Passion shooter,” then offered Simpson some Salsa dance lessons to make her irresistible to men. (“Imagine that every time you move your body, you’re having tiny little orgasms all over.”) As Claudia stood behind Simpson for the lesson, Simpson felt something odd.
SIMPSON: “Is that a gun in your crotch?”
CLAUDIA: “As a matter of fact, it is.”
Suddenly, Claudia chloroformed Simpson.
After the world premiere of “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Buster and Shula were having a drink to apologize to each other for the brawl. Buster revealed that the premiere had gone so well that he’d gotten job offers from Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. The opportunity was too good for him to pass up, so he’d have to leave. Shula and Buster had a tearful farewell, then ran off to have “crying sex.”
With Coconutz gone out of business, Poppi headed out on the road, carrying a bindlestiff (you know, those bag-on-a-stick hobo things…). Officer Snatch came by to say goodbye, and asked him where he was going. Poppi explained that he was planning to become a theatre critic in “the only city gayer than Miami…Atlanta, Georgia.” He said goodbye to Snatch. (“You are the only woman who could get me to stick my penis in a natural vagina.”) Taking that as a cue, Snatch asked Poppi for a blood sample for the paternity test. Anticipating her request, Poppi presented her with a poem he had written in his own blood: “It’s a Marshmallow World in the Winter.”
Buster told Angelo that he was going to L.A. to work as an assistant director on “Howard the Duck”…and that the paternity test confirmed that Angelo was his father. Angelo and Buster caught up on their relationship by having all the usual father-son arguments in under a minute. As a farewell present, Angelo presented Buster with a ring that had been passed down through his family since the days of the cocaine Vikings.
Dan and Snatch brought the blood samples to the Mayor’s office, where Shula ran them through her DNA-anator. After getting the results, Shula informed Snatch that she was carrying twins. One was Dan’s, and the other… (Dramatic musical sting as the scene ends before she completes the sentence.)
Simpson regained consciousness in the back room of Pepino’s, where Claudia stood over her gloating. Claudia dropped her accent and confessed that her true purpose in coming to Miami was not just to run Poppi out of business, but to get revenge on Simpson and Snatch. When Simpson asked why, Claudia took off her wig and revealed her true identity…she’s Snatch’s sister, Patch.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Season 7, Episode 4: A Gold Medal in Murder
Episode 4: A Gold Medal in Murder
Buster Banks and Poppi were making cold calls to raise funds for Buster’s movie. When they called on a Mr. Francoise, Poppi started negotiating in French, getting Mr. Francoise to commit $250,000. When Francoise asked “Who do I make the check out to?”, they thought he was saying something about Gerard Depardieu, so they agreed to cast him.
Shula Goldamayer used her menorah to hypnotize Officer Snatch and find out her true feelings about Dan Mandarino.
SNATCH: “Dan Mandarino, he’s really hot…he really likes me…a lot.”
SHULA: “You rhymed! That means it’s true love!”
Angelo Lansbury was on the pier, pitching his cocaine to passersby, when a mysterious stranger walked by. The man introduced himself as Rodriguez Philbin, explaining that he had just come to America from Cuba to avenge his father’s murder. Angelo welcomed Rodriguez to America by giving him a bag of cocaine.
Officer Simpson was fixing breakfast for the Commodore after their night of passion. The Commodore confessed that he wasn’t comfortable with human contact, but Simpson replied that he didn’t seem to uncomfortable last night. She took off the Commodore’s glasses, telling him that he could be really attractive if he loosened up.
When Detective Furman confessed that he was in a very dark mood since losing the enchanted wig, and that he had burned the “impostor” wig, cursing it for ruining his dreams. Poppi pointed out that no hairpiece could ruin Furman’s dreams…only Furman himself did that. As they talked, Poppi’s theme song started playing, and Furman and Poppi danced to it. Poppi realized that Furman had also heard “the inner monologue of the homosexual male,” but Furman denied it.
Buster Banks was in the studio when Rodriguez Philbin knocked on the door. Buster recognized Rodriguez as his old friend from when he spent spring break in Cuba. Rodriguez asked if he and his 12 cousins could stay in Buster’s studio. Buster agreed, on the condition that Rodriguez play the dead body in his movie. When Rodriguez complimented Buster on his Mary Lou Retton-style flag-design jumpsuit, they suddenly got the brilliant idea of asking Mary Lou Retton to co-star in the movie.
Detective Furman was hanging out at Coconutz when Mayor Shula Goldamayer came in and fired him because he’d ordered Snatch to rat on Dan Mandarino. Furman started ranting about how Dan thought he could get away with anything, then Shula reminded Furman that he himself had given Dan immunity from prosecution. Noticing the cocaine on the floor, Shula realized she needed to take drastic measures to help Furman. She handcuffed herself to Furman to keep him away from drugs.
FURMAN: “I’ll die, I tell you!”
SHULA: “Then I’ll drag your dead body around and pretend you’re alive!”
At Coconutz, Poppi offered Angelo his latest drink invention, the “Pooty-Tooter.” As Angelo drank it, a football suddenly flew through the air and struck Angelo.
Out on the streets, Simpson and Snatch were placing a tape outline around a dead body (“This is like a REAL case!”). As they examined the body, Rodriguez Philbin walked up and tried to take the body away. As Simpson and Snatch prepared to arrest him for interfering with a crime scene, he explained about his quest for vengeance.
RODRIGUEZ: “I’m looking for the man who killed my father, and if I have to kill every white woman in this town to do it, I will!…Did I just say that out loud?”
In the hospital, Angelo explained to the Commodore that the football had hit him so hard, he “pooped out his liver.” He now needed a transplant. However, his blood type (B-Positive) was so rare, that the only matches were the other 9 people in the cast.
Buster went to the prison to visit Rodriguez, but was stopped by Officer Simpson at the admittance desk. He identified himself as Buster Banks (“Perhaps you’ve seen one of my movies scrambled on your TV at night”), and Simpson was awestruck. She was a big fan of his movies, but offered him some constructive criticism on the lighting. Impressed, he hired her as a lighting person. As he reached across the desk to shake hands, he accidentally knocked over Simpson’s portable siren, and she slugged him.
Having escaped from jail, Rodriguez Philbin went to Coconutz looking for a job as a cook. Poppi had so much trouble understanding him that Rodriguez finally dropped his accent and asked Poppi not to reveal that he wasn’t really Cuban. Rodriguez explained that years ago, he had seen a videotape of his father being killed, but now he believed that it was actually his father DOING the killing…and that his father was Angelo Lansbury.
Shula Goldamayer dragged Detective Furman to temple for some perspective. As she prayed, God spoke to them and told Furman to read the scroll on the altar. God told him to stare at the scroll and unfocus his eyes until the message appeared.
The Commodore called on Officer Snatch, informing her that his program had named her as the best match for Angelo’s liver. He warned her that if she didn’t donate her liver, he could make life hell for her…even worse than life without a liver.
Rodriguez Philbin was alone in Buster’s studio when Mary Lou Retton arrived, eager to start work on Buster’s movie. Consumed with bloodlust, Rodriguez killed her just as Buster walked in.
As Angelo and Poppi were shopping for funeral clothes (just in case), Poppi warned Angelo about Rodriguez’ quest for vengeance. To show his love, Poppi was prepared to save Angelo in two ways: He would donate half of his liver, plus he would disguise himself as a woman and set himself out as bait to trap Rodriguez.
The Commodore arrived at Buster’s studio and was horrified by the sight of Buster kneeling over Mary Lou Retton’s corpse. (“You’ve killed an innocent woman who looked like a child!”) Buster proclaimed his innocence, and told the Commodore that they had to find Rodriguez Philbin.
BUSTER: “Have you seen a small Hispanic man running around?”
COMMODORE: “In Miami?”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Buster Banks and Poppi were making cold calls to raise funds for Buster’s movie. When they called on a Mr. Francoise, Poppi started negotiating in French, getting Mr. Francoise to commit $250,000. When Francoise asked “Who do I make the check out to?”, they thought he was saying something about Gerard Depardieu, so they agreed to cast him.
Shula Goldamayer used her menorah to hypnotize Officer Snatch and find out her true feelings about Dan Mandarino.
SNATCH: “Dan Mandarino, he’s really hot…he really likes me…a lot.”
SHULA: “You rhymed! That means it’s true love!”
Angelo Lansbury was on the pier, pitching his cocaine to passersby, when a mysterious stranger walked by. The man introduced himself as Rodriguez Philbin, explaining that he had just come to America from Cuba to avenge his father’s murder. Angelo welcomed Rodriguez to America by giving him a bag of cocaine.
Officer Simpson was fixing breakfast for the Commodore after their night of passion. The Commodore confessed that he wasn’t comfortable with human contact, but Simpson replied that he didn’t seem to uncomfortable last night. She took off the Commodore’s glasses, telling him that he could be really attractive if he loosened up.
When Detective Furman confessed that he was in a very dark mood since losing the enchanted wig, and that he had burned the “impostor” wig, cursing it for ruining his dreams. Poppi pointed out that no hairpiece could ruin Furman’s dreams…only Furman himself did that. As they talked, Poppi’s theme song started playing, and Furman and Poppi danced to it. Poppi realized that Furman had also heard “the inner monologue of the homosexual male,” but Furman denied it.
Buster Banks was in the studio when Rodriguez Philbin knocked on the door. Buster recognized Rodriguez as his old friend from when he spent spring break in Cuba. Rodriguez asked if he and his 12 cousins could stay in Buster’s studio. Buster agreed, on the condition that Rodriguez play the dead body in his movie. When Rodriguez complimented Buster on his Mary Lou Retton-style flag-design jumpsuit, they suddenly got the brilliant idea of asking Mary Lou Retton to co-star in the movie.
Detective Furman was hanging out at Coconutz when Mayor Shula Goldamayer came in and fired him because he’d ordered Snatch to rat on Dan Mandarino. Furman started ranting about how Dan thought he could get away with anything, then Shula reminded Furman that he himself had given Dan immunity from prosecution. Noticing the cocaine on the floor, Shula realized she needed to take drastic measures to help Furman. She handcuffed herself to Furman to keep him away from drugs.
FURMAN: “I’ll die, I tell you!”
SHULA: “Then I’ll drag your dead body around and pretend you’re alive!”
At Coconutz, Poppi offered Angelo his latest drink invention, the “Pooty-Tooter.” As Angelo drank it, a football suddenly flew through the air and struck Angelo.
Out on the streets, Simpson and Snatch were placing a tape outline around a dead body (“This is like a REAL case!”). As they examined the body, Rodriguez Philbin walked up and tried to take the body away. As Simpson and Snatch prepared to arrest him for interfering with a crime scene, he explained about his quest for vengeance.
RODRIGUEZ: “I’m looking for the man who killed my father, and if I have to kill every white woman in this town to do it, I will!…Did I just say that out loud?”
In the hospital, Angelo explained to the Commodore that the football had hit him so hard, he “pooped out his liver.” He now needed a transplant. However, his blood type (B-Positive) was so rare, that the only matches were the other 9 people in the cast.
Buster went to the prison to visit Rodriguez, but was stopped by Officer Simpson at the admittance desk. He identified himself as Buster Banks (“Perhaps you’ve seen one of my movies scrambled on your TV at night”), and Simpson was awestruck. She was a big fan of his movies, but offered him some constructive criticism on the lighting. Impressed, he hired her as a lighting person. As he reached across the desk to shake hands, he accidentally knocked over Simpson’s portable siren, and she slugged him.
Having escaped from jail, Rodriguez Philbin went to Coconutz looking for a job as a cook. Poppi had so much trouble understanding him that Rodriguez finally dropped his accent and asked Poppi not to reveal that he wasn’t really Cuban. Rodriguez explained that years ago, he had seen a videotape of his father being killed, but now he believed that it was actually his father DOING the killing…and that his father was Angelo Lansbury.
Shula Goldamayer dragged Detective Furman to temple for some perspective. As she prayed, God spoke to them and told Furman to read the scroll on the altar. God told him to stare at the scroll and unfocus his eyes until the message appeared.
The Commodore called on Officer Snatch, informing her that his program had named her as the best match for Angelo’s liver. He warned her that if she didn’t donate her liver, he could make life hell for her…even worse than life without a liver.
Rodriguez Philbin was alone in Buster’s studio when Mary Lou Retton arrived, eager to start work on Buster’s movie. Consumed with bloodlust, Rodriguez killed her just as Buster walked in.
As Angelo and Poppi were shopping for funeral clothes (just in case), Poppi warned Angelo about Rodriguez’ quest for vengeance. To show his love, Poppi was prepared to save Angelo in two ways: He would donate half of his liver, plus he would disguise himself as a woman and set himself out as bait to trap Rodriguez.
The Commodore arrived at Buster’s studio and was horrified by the sight of Buster kneeling over Mary Lou Retton’s corpse. (“You’ve killed an innocent woman who looked like a child!”) Buster proclaimed his innocence, and told the Commodore that they had to find Rodriguez Philbin.
BUSTER: “Have you seen a small Hispanic man running around?”
COMMODORE: “In Miami?”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Season 7, Episode 3: Geek in the Machine
Episode 3: Geek in the Machine
Detective Furman visited Officer Snatch in the hospital, where she was recovering from a stab wound in the neck, receiving the best treatment she could get without medical insurance. Furman asked for Snatch’s help in taking down Dan Mandarino. She replied that she had a conflict of interest, since she’d gone on a date with Dan, and he brought a Care Bear to her hospital room. Furman warned her that her badge was riding on this.
Having been sucked into Angelo Lansbury’s computer, the Commodore was at Angelo’s mercy.
ANGELO: “What if I hit the Tab key?”
COMMODORE: “No! You’ll send me over five spaces!”
Buster Banks was on the set of his next picture when Dan Mandarino burst in, demanding the film Buster had taken of Dan and Poppi. Dan bragged that he would stop at nothing to get the film back, since he had complete immunity from prosecution (“I’m a god!”). Buster agreed to keep Dan’s sex tape out of circulation, if Dan would star in Buster’s dream project. (“You’re stiff enough to play the dead body in my picture.”)
Officer Simpson was taking in Mayor Shula Goldamayer for questioning in Snatch’s stabbing. Shula confessed that, during the 15 minutes that she lost her glasses during the struggle with Dan, she had an epiphany. Her brief period of impaired vision had made her realize what it was to be weak and oppressed…and now she wanted to devote her mayoral power to freedom and justice. She asked Simpson to call off the hit on Angelo Lansbury and Poppi. Since Simpson had lost her gun anyway, she agreed.
Angelo Lansbury was having a drink and a conversation with Poppi at Coconutz. After Poppi made a number of innuendo-filled come-ons, Angelo explained that he was straight, and only liked ladies. Poppi replied, “I could be a lady one day…if I get my pee-pee chopped off.”
Detective Furman was snorting coke in his office when the Commodore appeared on his computer screen. (“I didn’t know you could hallucinate through cocaine use!”) The Commodore assured him that he was real, and that he was stuck inside the world’s network of computers. (“It’s nothing like ‘Tron’ at all! There’s no motorcycle races, just green letters!”) Furman asked the Commodore if he could get into the mayor’s computer and arrange health insurance for the police department. In return, Furman would try to get the Commodore back into the real world, even though “getting a living being out of a computer is a metaphysical crisis I can’t even begin to imagine!”
Having been released from the hospital, Officer Snatch went to see Dan Mandarino. She explained that Furman had asked her to do something to Dan, though she wasn’t clear on exactly what. Dan asked what she was going to do.
SNATCH: “I’m gonna do what you’re gonna do.”
DAN: “You’re gonna play the Bengals on Sunday?”
Buster informed Poppi that he was planning on getting out of porn and into real movies. (“I don’t want to keep making ‘Jesus Christ, Pooperstar’ over and over.”) Poppi warned him that hardly anybody had ever made the transition from porn to mainstream, with the exception of Steven Spielberg.
Shula was taking a catnap in her office when the Commodore entered her computer and fixed the police department’s health insurance. When she woke up, the Commodore hid behind a menorah.
Simpson and Snatch filmed a public service announcement. (“Kids, be smart. Don’t do drugs. Stick to the alcohol and cigarettes.”)
Angelo Lansbury paid a visit to Buster’s studio. When Angelo promised to get even with Dixie Greenflag for shooting him, Buster threatened to rip out Angelo’s throat, play a tune on it and then throw it away like a used clarinet reed. In return, Angelo threatened to pull the financing from Buster’s porn operation. Buster wasn’t worried, since he was going to make a non-porn film, which he felt would be his biggest hit since “The Red Vadge of Courage.”
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch told Poppi that they were upset with him for taking all of the available men in Miami, e.g. Dan Mandarino. Poppi revealed that he now felt nothing for Dan, then he sang a song about his new love, Angelo Lansbury.
Dan Mandarino was sitting at the pier, reflecting on his situation, when the Commodore appeared on a nearby computer monitor. Dan soon recognized the Commodore as the nerd he used to bully in high school. Now that he was inside the world’s network of computers, the Commodore took revenge by selling Dan’s parents’ chicken farm to the Amish.
Detective Furman was drinking at Coconutz when Poppi entered and asked him why he was wearing such a ridiculous wig. Poppi informed Furman that what he was wearing was NOT the enchanted hairpiece that had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…this wig belonged to a drag queen named Buffalo Manchilde. Furman was shocked by this revelation, since this wig had given him the confidence and inspiration to get up and sing.
The reformed Shula Goldamayer stormed into Angelo Lansbury’s office, demanding that he give up his illegal activities. Angelo offered her some coke to calm her down. (“Cocaine is a stimulant; it won’t calm me down! Quaaludes will calm me down!”) Angelo refused to abandon his dangerous but profitable business, even after Shula led him in a prayer.
Dan Mandarino informed Buster Banks that he’d have to put off starring in Buster’s movie, since he needed to go to Pittsburgh and save his family’s farm. Buster asked Dan to do one favor before he left. Buster knew that Dan’s throwing arm was so strong and accurate that he could kill a man with a football from 200 yards…which is precisely what Buster wanted Dan to do to Angelo.
Simpson and Snatch told the Commodore that they were too grateful to arrest him because he’d gotten them health insurance. When the Commodore made a condescending remark, Snatch retorted that, just because they’re sluts, that doesn’t mean they’re stupid. To prove their intelligence, Simpson and Snatch released the Commodore from the computer using a bobby pin, a 9-volt battery and a shot of Captain Morgan’s rum. Then they took the Commodore away for the best sex he’d ever have in his lifetime.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Detective Furman visited Officer Snatch in the hospital, where she was recovering from a stab wound in the neck, receiving the best treatment she could get without medical insurance. Furman asked for Snatch’s help in taking down Dan Mandarino. She replied that she had a conflict of interest, since she’d gone on a date with Dan, and he brought a Care Bear to her hospital room. Furman warned her that her badge was riding on this.
Having been sucked into Angelo Lansbury’s computer, the Commodore was at Angelo’s mercy.
ANGELO: “What if I hit the Tab key?”
COMMODORE: “No! You’ll send me over five spaces!”
Buster Banks was on the set of his next picture when Dan Mandarino burst in, demanding the film Buster had taken of Dan and Poppi. Dan bragged that he would stop at nothing to get the film back, since he had complete immunity from prosecution (“I’m a god!”). Buster agreed to keep Dan’s sex tape out of circulation, if Dan would star in Buster’s dream project. (“You’re stiff enough to play the dead body in my picture.”)
Officer Simpson was taking in Mayor Shula Goldamayer for questioning in Snatch’s stabbing. Shula confessed that, during the 15 minutes that she lost her glasses during the struggle with Dan, she had an epiphany. Her brief period of impaired vision had made her realize what it was to be weak and oppressed…and now she wanted to devote her mayoral power to freedom and justice. She asked Simpson to call off the hit on Angelo Lansbury and Poppi. Since Simpson had lost her gun anyway, she agreed.
Angelo Lansbury was having a drink and a conversation with Poppi at Coconutz. After Poppi made a number of innuendo-filled come-ons, Angelo explained that he was straight, and only liked ladies. Poppi replied, “I could be a lady one day…if I get my pee-pee chopped off.”
Detective Furman was snorting coke in his office when the Commodore appeared on his computer screen. (“I didn’t know you could hallucinate through cocaine use!”) The Commodore assured him that he was real, and that he was stuck inside the world’s network of computers. (“It’s nothing like ‘Tron’ at all! There’s no motorcycle races, just green letters!”) Furman asked the Commodore if he could get into the mayor’s computer and arrange health insurance for the police department. In return, Furman would try to get the Commodore back into the real world, even though “getting a living being out of a computer is a metaphysical crisis I can’t even begin to imagine!”
Having been released from the hospital, Officer Snatch went to see Dan Mandarino. She explained that Furman had asked her to do something to Dan, though she wasn’t clear on exactly what. Dan asked what she was going to do.
SNATCH: “I’m gonna do what you’re gonna do.”
DAN: “You’re gonna play the Bengals on Sunday?”
Buster informed Poppi that he was planning on getting out of porn and into real movies. (“I don’t want to keep making ‘Jesus Christ, Pooperstar’ over and over.”) Poppi warned him that hardly anybody had ever made the transition from porn to mainstream, with the exception of Steven Spielberg.
Shula was taking a catnap in her office when the Commodore entered her computer and fixed the police department’s health insurance. When she woke up, the Commodore hid behind a menorah.
Simpson and Snatch filmed a public service announcement. (“Kids, be smart. Don’t do drugs. Stick to the alcohol and cigarettes.”)
Angelo Lansbury paid a visit to Buster’s studio. When Angelo promised to get even with Dixie Greenflag for shooting him, Buster threatened to rip out Angelo’s throat, play a tune on it and then throw it away like a used clarinet reed. In return, Angelo threatened to pull the financing from Buster’s porn operation. Buster wasn’t worried, since he was going to make a non-porn film, which he felt would be his biggest hit since “The Red Vadge of Courage.”
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch told Poppi that they were upset with him for taking all of the available men in Miami, e.g. Dan Mandarino. Poppi revealed that he now felt nothing for Dan, then he sang a song about his new love, Angelo Lansbury.
Dan Mandarino was sitting at the pier, reflecting on his situation, when the Commodore appeared on a nearby computer monitor. Dan soon recognized the Commodore as the nerd he used to bully in high school. Now that he was inside the world’s network of computers, the Commodore took revenge by selling Dan’s parents’ chicken farm to the Amish.
Detective Furman was drinking at Coconutz when Poppi entered and asked him why he was wearing such a ridiculous wig. Poppi informed Furman that what he was wearing was NOT the enchanted hairpiece that had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…this wig belonged to a drag queen named Buffalo Manchilde. Furman was shocked by this revelation, since this wig had given him the confidence and inspiration to get up and sing.
The reformed Shula Goldamayer stormed into Angelo Lansbury’s office, demanding that he give up his illegal activities. Angelo offered her some coke to calm her down. (“Cocaine is a stimulant; it won’t calm me down! Quaaludes will calm me down!”) Angelo refused to abandon his dangerous but profitable business, even after Shula led him in a prayer.
Dan Mandarino informed Buster Banks that he’d have to put off starring in Buster’s movie, since he needed to go to Pittsburgh and save his family’s farm. Buster asked Dan to do one favor before he left. Buster knew that Dan’s throwing arm was so strong and accurate that he could kill a man with a football from 200 yards…which is precisely what Buster wanted Dan to do to Angelo.
Simpson and Snatch told the Commodore that they were too grateful to arrest him because he’d gotten them health insurance. When the Commodore made a condescending remark, Snatch retorted that, just because they’re sluts, that doesn’t mean they’re stupid. To prove their intelligence, Simpson and Snatch released the Commodore from the computer using a bobby pin, a 9-volt battery and a shot of Captain Morgan’s rum. Then they took the Commodore away for the best sex he’d ever have in his lifetime.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, January 19, 2009
Season 7, Episode 2: Porn on the Fourth of July
Episode 2: Porn on the Fourth of July
Poppi was sunbathing and writhing sensually at Miami Beach when Buster Banks offered him a part in his new movie, “All the President’s Men…ALL of Them.” Buster explained that he was looking for a new star and for someone in his heart…but they had to be two different people. The last time he fell in love with his star, it ended badly…she shot somebody and then ran away. (“It’s a good plan, to run after shooting a man.”)
Angelo Lansbury was in his office, doing some telemarketing to sell his cocaine. Simpson and Snatch arrived to investigate his shooting. Angelo explained that he’d treated his wound himself (by placing band-aids on the entrance and exit wounds) and that he didn’t intend to press charges…he’d handle the matter himself. He told Simpson and Snatch that they were the finest dirty cops on his payroll, and that he wanted them to make sure their new superior, Detective Furman, stayed in line.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer met with Dan Mandarino to discuss the upcoming ceremony presenting him with the key to the city. Dan wasn’t satisfied with just the key…he wanted her to rename the city from “Miami” to “Mandarino.” When Shula refused, the enraged Dan knocked over a table. In response, Shula jumped on Dan and started pounding away.
At Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, Detective Furman was pontificating on the merits of generic beer, which Furman considered to be an admirable embodiment of socialist principles. However, Poppi was more interested in dancing to “Maneater” than in philosophy. After the song ended, Furman confessed that he’d lost the wig Poppi had given him. Poppi urged Furman to get it back, as it had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…plus, it had magical powers.
Angelo was continuing his telemarketing campaign when he received a visitor…the computer expert known only as “The Commodore.” Angelo explained that he’d called in the Commodore in order to make sure that the data on his criminal empire was secure.
Simpson and Snatch were watching the fireworks when Dan Mandarino joined them, angry about the beat-down Shula had laid on him. For revenge, he planned for Simpson to disguise herself as him during the key ceremony, then, while Shula was distracted, he’d run out and blindside Shula. As he took off his jersey for Simpson’s disguise, she started babbling about a dream she’d had where Dan scored a touchdown while he was naked, emphasizing the “naked” aspect. We saw a flashback to Simpson’s dream.
Detective Furman met with Mayor Goldamayer to discuss the police department’s performance. After protesting that he didn’t have the budget to hire more than two cops, Furman revealed what was really troubling him…he felt like only half a man without the wig. Shula told him that she’d seen the wig in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Consumed by jealousy and rage, Furman drew his gun and stormed out.
Buster Banks was on the set of his new movie, “A Funny Threesome Happened on the Way to the Forum,” when the Commodore entered. Buster and the Commodore believed that computer programmers and porn-makers had a bright future together (“Someday, my friend, computers and porn will go together like guns and bullets”). They planned to double-cross Angelo by installing a special program that would suck Angelo’s soul into the computer…and then, Buster could use Angelo’s body for his next movie, a comedy about two guys who have to make it look like a dead guy is still alive. He was thinking of calling it “Weekend at…”—well, he hadn’t decided on the name.
Detective Furman went to Dan Mandarino’s apartment, offering him 7/8 of a kilo of cocaine in exchange for the wig. Unimpressed, Dan named his own price…complete immunity from prosecution for ANYTHING. Furman agreed, and Dan handed over the wig. They both laughed maniacally.
Angelo came to the Commodore’s office to pick up his computer. As part of his payment, the Commodore requested a meeting with Dan Mandarino. Angelo was surprised, since he didn’t expect a computer nerd to be into sports. The Commodore replied that he knew all about football. (“Football is played with a ball.”)
Buster Banks was planning such future projects as “All Coming on Her Western Front” and “Much Ado about Stuffing” when Poppi arrived, eager to do either “Manlet” or “Two Gentlemen of the Boner.” In the course of their discussion, Poppi mentioned his relationship with Dan Mandarino. Stunned by this revelation, Buster started contemplating how many people would pay to see a football hero in a porn film. They decided to plant a hidden camera and catch Dan in the act.
Mad with wig-power, Detective Furman took the stage at Coconutz, singing about his dream of being a princess. Surveying the nightclub, Furman contemplated revoking Poppi’s liquor license in order to take over the club himself.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was preparing to present the key to the city to Officer Simpson, who was disguised as Dan Mandarino. As Simpson delivered her acceptance speech, the real Dan (dressed in Simpson’s clothes) snuck up and tackled Shula. In the struggle, Shula accidentally stabbed Officer Snatch in the neck with her eyeglasses. Victorious, Dan took the podium and informed the people of Miami that “you belong to me now!”
Having set up the hidden camera in Dan’s apartment, Buster hid when Dan returned. Poppi tried to seduce Dan for the new movie, but Dan wasn’t interested in sex, what with all the changes happening in his life. (“I think I might have declared myself mayor.”) Dan revealed that he’d done so much in his short time in Miami, he was now ready to “trade himself” and move on to new challenges. As Poppi insisted on talking about their sex life, Dan grew suspicious. Dan discovered the hidden camera.
Now that his computer was all set up, Angelo Lansbury called up the Commodore for tech support. The Commodore instructed Angelo how to turn on his computer, but Angelo just couldn’t find the right keys. Frustrated with Angelo’s inability to follow simple directions, the Commodore rushed into Angelo’s office to do it himself. Without thinking, the Commodore activated the computer, which sucked in the Commodore’s soul and left his body a mindless husk. Puzzled by this strange turn of events, Angelo looked through the Commodore’s computer disks and discovered his “Angelo Mind-Control” program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Poppi was sunbathing and writhing sensually at Miami Beach when Buster Banks offered him a part in his new movie, “All the President’s Men…ALL of Them.” Buster explained that he was looking for a new star and for someone in his heart…but they had to be two different people. The last time he fell in love with his star, it ended badly…she shot somebody and then ran away. (“It’s a good plan, to run after shooting a man.”)
Angelo Lansbury was in his office, doing some telemarketing to sell his cocaine. Simpson and Snatch arrived to investigate his shooting. Angelo explained that he’d treated his wound himself (by placing band-aids on the entrance and exit wounds) and that he didn’t intend to press charges…he’d handle the matter himself. He told Simpson and Snatch that they were the finest dirty cops on his payroll, and that he wanted them to make sure their new superior, Detective Furman, stayed in line.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer met with Dan Mandarino to discuss the upcoming ceremony presenting him with the key to the city. Dan wasn’t satisfied with just the key…he wanted her to rename the city from “Miami” to “Mandarino.” When Shula refused, the enraged Dan knocked over a table. In response, Shula jumped on Dan and started pounding away.
At Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, Detective Furman was pontificating on the merits of generic beer, which Furman considered to be an admirable embodiment of socialist principles. However, Poppi was more interested in dancing to “Maneater” than in philosophy. After the song ended, Furman confessed that he’d lost the wig Poppi had given him. Poppi urged Furman to get it back, as it had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…plus, it had magical powers.
Angelo was continuing his telemarketing campaign when he received a visitor…the computer expert known only as “The Commodore.” Angelo explained that he’d called in the Commodore in order to make sure that the data on his criminal empire was secure.
Simpson and Snatch were watching the fireworks when Dan Mandarino joined them, angry about the beat-down Shula had laid on him. For revenge, he planned for Simpson to disguise herself as him during the key ceremony, then, while Shula was distracted, he’d run out and blindside Shula. As he took off his jersey for Simpson’s disguise, she started babbling about a dream she’d had where Dan scored a touchdown while he was naked, emphasizing the “naked” aspect. We saw a flashback to Simpson’s dream.
Detective Furman met with Mayor Goldamayer to discuss the police department’s performance. After protesting that he didn’t have the budget to hire more than two cops, Furman revealed what was really troubling him…he felt like only half a man without the wig. Shula told him that she’d seen the wig in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Consumed by jealousy and rage, Furman drew his gun and stormed out.
Buster Banks was on the set of his new movie, “A Funny Threesome Happened on the Way to the Forum,” when the Commodore entered. Buster and the Commodore believed that computer programmers and porn-makers had a bright future together (“Someday, my friend, computers and porn will go together like guns and bullets”). They planned to double-cross Angelo by installing a special program that would suck Angelo’s soul into the computer…and then, Buster could use Angelo’s body for his next movie, a comedy about two guys who have to make it look like a dead guy is still alive. He was thinking of calling it “Weekend at…”—well, he hadn’t decided on the name.
Detective Furman went to Dan Mandarino’s apartment, offering him 7/8 of a kilo of cocaine in exchange for the wig. Unimpressed, Dan named his own price…complete immunity from prosecution for ANYTHING. Furman agreed, and Dan handed over the wig. They both laughed maniacally.
Angelo came to the Commodore’s office to pick up his computer. As part of his payment, the Commodore requested a meeting with Dan Mandarino. Angelo was surprised, since he didn’t expect a computer nerd to be into sports. The Commodore replied that he knew all about football. (“Football is played with a ball.”)
Buster Banks was planning such future projects as “All Coming on Her Western Front” and “Much Ado about Stuffing” when Poppi arrived, eager to do either “Manlet” or “Two Gentlemen of the Boner.” In the course of their discussion, Poppi mentioned his relationship with Dan Mandarino. Stunned by this revelation, Buster started contemplating how many people would pay to see a football hero in a porn film. They decided to plant a hidden camera and catch Dan in the act.
Mad with wig-power, Detective Furman took the stage at Coconutz, singing about his dream of being a princess. Surveying the nightclub, Furman contemplated revoking Poppi’s liquor license in order to take over the club himself.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was preparing to present the key to the city to Officer Simpson, who was disguised as Dan Mandarino. As Simpson delivered her acceptance speech, the real Dan (dressed in Simpson’s clothes) snuck up and tackled Shula. In the struggle, Shula accidentally stabbed Officer Snatch in the neck with her eyeglasses. Victorious, Dan took the podium and informed the people of Miami that “you belong to me now!”
Having set up the hidden camera in Dan’s apartment, Buster hid when Dan returned. Poppi tried to seduce Dan for the new movie, but Dan wasn’t interested in sex, what with all the changes happening in his life. (“I think I might have declared myself mayor.”) Dan revealed that he’d done so much in his short time in Miami, he was now ready to “trade himself” and move on to new challenges. As Poppi insisted on talking about their sex life, Dan grew suspicious. Dan discovered the hidden camera.
Now that his computer was all set up, Angelo Lansbury called up the Commodore for tech support. The Commodore instructed Angelo how to turn on his computer, but Angelo just couldn’t find the right keys. Frustrated with Angelo’s inability to follow simple directions, the Commodore rushed into Angelo’s office to do it himself. Without thinking, the Commodore activated the computer, which sucked in the Commodore’s soul and left his body a mindless husk. Puzzled by this strange turn of events, Angelo looked through the Commodore’s computer disks and discovered his “Angelo Mind-Control” program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Season 7, Episode 1: Welcome to Miami
It's a new season, and a new setting...this time, our adventures and mishaps take place in 1980s Miami...not the real Miami, but the TV Miami. And by "TV Miami," I'm talking Don Johnson, not David Caruso. Let's rock!
Episode 1: Welcome to Miami
Detective Orville Furman, newly transferred to Miami, called in undercover officers Simpson and Snatch. He informed them that a citizen had complained that, when the officers answered his 911 call, “his 10-year-old child saw nipple!” Furman explained that he accepted Simpson & Snatch having their own personal style of dress, but warned them not to expose themselves to children.
Film director Buster Banks and his leading starlet, Dixie Greenflag, were preparing to shoot their latest literary adaptation, “The Glass Menage a Trois”…their most ambitious collaboration since “Three Sisters on Sisters.” As they discussed the project, Buster grew pensive and explained that it’s always been his policy never to get personally involved with the talent…and that he wanted Dixie to quit the business so that they could pursue a relationship together. Dixie was stunned by his proposal, but reluctant to abandon her dream of starring in “The Merchant of Penis.”
Angelo Lansbury, CEO of Miami’s leading cocaine distribution company, met with football star Dan Mandarino and asked Dan to become the official spokesperson for Lansbury Cocaine. His payment would be $850 thousand, either in installments or as a lump sum. Dan replied, “I take things in lumps.”
Mayor Shula Goldamayer paid a visit to nightclub owner Poppi to discuss his liquor license. Shula demanded $3000 dollars to renew his license, so that she could pay for her next two face tucks, or else “I will close you down like a thing that gets closed down.” Poppi offered her $2000 and sexual favors instead, but Shula declined the offer.
Simpson and Snatch were out on patrol, arguing about Detective Furman’s reprimand, when they accidentally ran over a pedestrian. Continuing on their way, they decided to go to the pool. Realizing that they’d forgotten their Sun-In, they turned back and ran over the guy again.
Detective Furman went to see Angelo Lansbury, explaining that he was going around town and meeting all his constituents. Angelo offered him a welcoming gift of four bags of cocaine. Furman was shocked. He explained that he was just a simple cop from Milwaukee, and this was just too much for him to handle. He returned three bags and kept one. Furman agreed to overlook Angelo’s business dealings, as long as he didn’t cause any trouble or gun down pregnant women in public.
Dan Mandarino was having a drink at Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, contemplating Angelo’s job offer. Poppi made some suggestive remarks to Dan, then went to talk to the DJ. Left alone, Dan began hearing the voices of all his football coaches offering him advice. When Poppi came back, Dan explained his dilemma. Poppi suddenly planted a big kiss on Dan.
Dixie Greenflag went to City Hall to see her estranged mother, Mayor Shula Goldamayer. Shula apologized for abandoning her family, but explained that Dixie’s father just wasn’t wealthy enough for her. Dixie explained that she was thinking of leaving the porn industry for love, but was conflicted. Shula gave Dixie one of her press-on nails, telling Dixie to look at the nail and think of her mother when the time came to make the decision.
Buster Banks visited Angelo Lansbury, who complimented Buster on the success of “To Fist a Mockingbird.” Buster explained his situation with Dixie, and Angelo warned Buster that Dixie was the star who brought in the profits. If Dixie quits, Angelo would stop distributing Buster’s films. Buster warned Angelo that there were a lot of porn fans with guns out there, and if necessary Buster could organize them into an army against Angelo’s thugs.
Dan Mandarino was waiting on the pier for his blind date…who turned out to be Officer Snatch. Dan told Snatch that she was prettier than any cheerleader he’d ever seen: “Your face is beautiful, and your hair’s like gold…but darker.”
Poppi paid a visit to Detective Furman’s office, explaining that Mayor Goldamayer was on the take and was shaking Poppi down. Furman urged Poppi to stay legal, then complimented Poppi on his wig. (“You flaming gay guys really know how to have fun!”) Poppi let Detective Furman try on the wig, and Furman was thrilled by the experience.
Shula Goldamayer was driving to a ribbon-cutting ceremony, with Officer Simpson as her bodyguard. Shula asked Simpson if she looked fat, explaining that a couple of people had made remarks about Shula’s weight. Simpson pulled out her gun and offered to shoot those people, and Shula gave her the names: Angelo Lansbury & Poppi. Before Simpson set out on this mission, she loaned her gun to Shula for her own protection. Shula mentioned how glad she was that she’d passed a law where each police officer’s name was inscribed on all their own bullets.
Angelo Lansbury and Dixie Greenflag met at Coconutz. He warned her that she couldn’t quit the business, since she still had a year and a half left on her three-year contract (which she didn’t remember signing, since she was high on cocaine). Dixie declared that Angelo couldn’t intimidate her, so he showed her his gun. (“That IS slightly intimidating.”) Angelo told her that Buster would find somebody else…the only love that stays is Angelo’s love of money. He pulled his gun on her.
Buster visited Mayor Goldamayer’s office, explaining that he’d been putting money aside for his masterpiece, but had instead used that money to buy a ring for Dixie. Shula advised him to get a refund, since she would provide her own ring. She handed Buster the “ring,” which bore a strange resemblance to Simpson’s gun. When Buster pointed out this resemblance, Shula was offended that he had insulted her “traditional Jewish wedding ring.”
Dan Mandarino brought Snatch back to his apartment, where he confessed that, before their date, he’d met another someone special. Suddenly, Poppi walked into the room. Dan asked Snatch to help keep his secret. She started to ask what was in it for her, but was too drunk to complete the thought.
Angelo Lansbury was holding Dixie at gunpoint when Buster entered. Dixie rushed to Buster’s side, taunting Angelo: “You’re not gonna take a potshot at your cash cow! Moo!” Seemingly accepting their decision, Angelo called in Shula Goldamayer, and asked her to perform the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony. As Shula recited the vows and Angelo leveled his gun, Dixie sensed that something was about to go wrong. She told Buster to remember that she loves him, no matter what happened next. When Buster slipped the gun/ring on Dixie’s finger, she suddenly turned and shot Angelo, then fled.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 1: Welcome to Miami
Detective Orville Furman, newly transferred to Miami, called in undercover officers Simpson and Snatch. He informed them that a citizen had complained that, when the officers answered his 911 call, “his 10-year-old child saw nipple!” Furman explained that he accepted Simpson & Snatch having their own personal style of dress, but warned them not to expose themselves to children.
Film director Buster Banks and his leading starlet, Dixie Greenflag, were preparing to shoot their latest literary adaptation, “The Glass Menage a Trois”…their most ambitious collaboration since “Three Sisters on Sisters.” As they discussed the project, Buster grew pensive and explained that it’s always been his policy never to get personally involved with the talent…and that he wanted Dixie to quit the business so that they could pursue a relationship together. Dixie was stunned by his proposal, but reluctant to abandon her dream of starring in “The Merchant of Penis.”
Angelo Lansbury, CEO of Miami’s leading cocaine distribution company, met with football star Dan Mandarino and asked Dan to become the official spokesperson for Lansbury Cocaine. His payment would be $850 thousand, either in installments or as a lump sum. Dan replied, “I take things in lumps.”
Mayor Shula Goldamayer paid a visit to nightclub owner Poppi to discuss his liquor license. Shula demanded $3000 dollars to renew his license, so that she could pay for her next two face tucks, or else “I will close you down like a thing that gets closed down.” Poppi offered her $2000 and sexual favors instead, but Shula declined the offer.
Simpson and Snatch were out on patrol, arguing about Detective Furman’s reprimand, when they accidentally ran over a pedestrian. Continuing on their way, they decided to go to the pool. Realizing that they’d forgotten their Sun-In, they turned back and ran over the guy again.
Detective Furman went to see Angelo Lansbury, explaining that he was going around town and meeting all his constituents. Angelo offered him a welcoming gift of four bags of cocaine. Furman was shocked. He explained that he was just a simple cop from Milwaukee, and this was just too much for him to handle. He returned three bags and kept one. Furman agreed to overlook Angelo’s business dealings, as long as he didn’t cause any trouble or gun down pregnant women in public.
Dan Mandarino was having a drink at Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, contemplating Angelo’s job offer. Poppi made some suggestive remarks to Dan, then went to talk to the DJ. Left alone, Dan began hearing the voices of all his football coaches offering him advice. When Poppi came back, Dan explained his dilemma. Poppi suddenly planted a big kiss on Dan.
Dixie Greenflag went to City Hall to see her estranged mother, Mayor Shula Goldamayer. Shula apologized for abandoning her family, but explained that Dixie’s father just wasn’t wealthy enough for her. Dixie explained that she was thinking of leaving the porn industry for love, but was conflicted. Shula gave Dixie one of her press-on nails, telling Dixie to look at the nail and think of her mother when the time came to make the decision.
Buster Banks visited Angelo Lansbury, who complimented Buster on the success of “To Fist a Mockingbird.” Buster explained his situation with Dixie, and Angelo warned Buster that Dixie was the star who brought in the profits. If Dixie quits, Angelo would stop distributing Buster’s films. Buster warned Angelo that there were a lot of porn fans with guns out there, and if necessary Buster could organize them into an army against Angelo’s thugs.
Dan Mandarino was waiting on the pier for his blind date…who turned out to be Officer Snatch. Dan told Snatch that she was prettier than any cheerleader he’d ever seen: “Your face is beautiful, and your hair’s like gold…but darker.”
Poppi paid a visit to Detective Furman’s office, explaining that Mayor Goldamayer was on the take and was shaking Poppi down. Furman urged Poppi to stay legal, then complimented Poppi on his wig. (“You flaming gay guys really know how to have fun!”) Poppi let Detective Furman try on the wig, and Furman was thrilled by the experience.
Shula Goldamayer was driving to a ribbon-cutting ceremony, with Officer Simpson as her bodyguard. Shula asked Simpson if she looked fat, explaining that a couple of people had made remarks about Shula’s weight. Simpson pulled out her gun and offered to shoot those people, and Shula gave her the names: Angelo Lansbury & Poppi. Before Simpson set out on this mission, she loaned her gun to Shula for her own protection. Shula mentioned how glad she was that she’d passed a law where each police officer’s name was inscribed on all their own bullets.
Angelo Lansbury and Dixie Greenflag met at Coconutz. He warned her that she couldn’t quit the business, since she still had a year and a half left on her three-year contract (which she didn’t remember signing, since she was high on cocaine). Dixie declared that Angelo couldn’t intimidate her, so he showed her his gun. (“That IS slightly intimidating.”) Angelo told her that Buster would find somebody else…the only love that stays is Angelo’s love of money. He pulled his gun on her.
Buster visited Mayor Goldamayer’s office, explaining that he’d been putting money aside for his masterpiece, but had instead used that money to buy a ring for Dixie. Shula advised him to get a refund, since she would provide her own ring. She handed Buster the “ring,” which bore a strange resemblance to Simpson’s gun. When Buster pointed out this resemblance, Shula was offended that he had insulted her “traditional Jewish wedding ring.”
Dan Mandarino brought Snatch back to his apartment, where he confessed that, before their date, he’d met another someone special. Suddenly, Poppi walked into the room. Dan asked Snatch to help keep his secret. She started to ask what was in it for her, but was too drunk to complete the thought.
Angelo Lansbury was holding Dixie at gunpoint when Buster entered. Dixie rushed to Buster’s side, taunting Angelo: “You’re not gonna take a potshot at your cash cow! Moo!” Seemingly accepting their decision, Angelo called in Shula Goldamayer, and asked her to perform the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony. As Shula recited the vows and Angelo leveled his gun, Dixie sensed that something was about to go wrong. She told Buster to remember that she loves him, no matter what happened next. When Buster slipped the gun/ring on Dixie’s finger, she suddenly turned and shot Angelo, then fled.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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