With the election coming up, Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to persuade Will McGotnuthin to run for mayor. She assured him that his shady past with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe was a safe secret, since the only other person who knew (Brigham Young) had left town. Will was comforted by her reassurance…until he discovered a flyer announcing the arrival of the McGotnuthin Family Shaxspur Jubilee.Titsy McJugpuddles was doing a lap-fan-dance as part of a private party for Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell stopped her, partly because he wasn’t attracted to the 6-foot Titsy, but mostly so that they could talk business. Impressed by Titsy’s ambition in taking over the saloon, Roswell wanted her to take Trapper Jean’s place as his new partner-in-crime. To seal the deal, Roswell demonstrated what a lap-dance is SUPPOSED to look like.
Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson were playing checkers, but Jesus could sense that Ass was troubled. Ass explained that he wanted to fulfill his father’s last wish by giving his dad’s lover, Roswell Diabolicus, an operation to make Roswell a complete woman. Jesus suggested that Ass would better serve his father’s memory by planting a tree in his name. Ass confessed that he didn’t know his father’s name, but simply called him “Sir.” Jesus suggested that Ass open a Christmas tree farm and name it “Sir’s Firs.”
Trapper Jean was at the bar, preparing his re-election acceptance speech, when the McGotnuthin sisters (Carnita, Apollonia, and Crab) entered. Jean couldn’t help but gawk and ogle at the beautiful sisters.
CARNITA: “My eyes are up here.”
JEAN: “Well, I am not interested in your eyes.”
After they explained about their Shakespeare festival, Jean suggested that he might sponsor it, since being a patron of the arts would help his image for the election. Carnita turned down his offer. Impressed (and aroused) by her severe manner, Jean agreed to give them the best suite in the hotel, then explained an elaborate password procedure. Crab took Carnita aside and confessed that she had misgivings about their plans to rob the audience and rape the men at the end of the show.
After a long day of baby-sitting, Madeline came to the general store to return the baby to Roswell Diabolicus’ dubious care. She noticed that Roswell had built a separate stockroom, so that the cases of dynamite would no longer have to be kept in the classroom with the children. Roswell admitted that he had developed a bit more concern for others since he started taking care of the baby. In turn, Madeline confessed that she had fallen in love with Will McGotnuthin. Roswell approved of their relationship, but urged Madeline to dissuade Will from running for mayor. He explained that the power of office would corrupt Will, and that he was only thinking of her happiness. Madeline was reluctant to accept this explanation, so Roswell switched tactics and started beating her with the baby.
Titsy McJugpuddles showed Carnita McGotnuthin to her room. Titsy was upset that the Shakespeare festival would be stealing the spotlight from her fan-dance act, and was also jealous that Carnita had attracted Trapper Jean’s attention. However, Carnita suggested that they could join forces to play Trapper Jean for all he’s worth. And to make sure the money keeps coming in, they needed to make sure Jean stays in office.
Will McGotnuthin had just finished teaching the children about llamas (“Never forget… they spit!”), when Roswell Diabolicus entered disguised as Madeline Clementine. Roswell/Madeline urged Will to drop out of the mayoral race, launching into an impassioned, twisted speech about the dangers of power. Being completely whipped, Will agreed to do as “she” said.
Meanwhile, the real Madeline regained consciousness. Ass Masterson passed by, dragging a tree behind him, when he noticed that his sister had been badly disfigured. When he asked what had happened, he discovered that Madeline was now suffering from amnesia.
Trapper Jean was explaining his mayoral campaign to Crab McGotnuthin. Crab was intrigued by the political process, explaining that in Shakespeare’s plays, power was seized by assassination. Jean replied that that was precisely what he had done, by shooting Hop Hop and declaring himself mayor. Jean asked Crab for a sample of Shakespeare, and she recited the “What a piece of work is man” speech from “Hamlet.” Moved to tears, Jean realized that he had lost touch with his own humanity, shielding himself behind his guns and pelts. Jean resolved to turn over a new leaf and run his campaign on a strong moral stand. Crab advised him not to mention his killing the former mayor.
Jesus Christ and Apollonia McGotnuthin were discussing their favorite rabbit recipes, and realized they had a lot in common. Apollonia offered Jesus a rose. When Jesus pointed out that she’d given him two roses, she broke down in embarrassment and confessed that she didn’t know how to count. Jesus taught her math, and in return, she taught him about Shakespeare. They performed the balcony scene from “Romeo & Juliet,” and Jesus went way off script. Just as they were about to kiss, Will McGotnuthin walked by and was stunned to find himself face-to-face with his twin sister once again. Will urged Apollonia to come clean about her criminal activities.
WILL: “Go on, confess to Jesus! That’s what he’s for!”
JESUS: “Hey, I’d like to think that’s not ALL I’m here for…”
Apollonia admitted that she and her sisters always rob and rape the audience after each performance. Jesus was shocked that Apollonia would do such a thing. (“I don’t even know you anymore!”) Feeling hurt and betrayed, Jesus walked away.
APOLLONIA: “Every time I meet a nice guy, THIS happens!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
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