Season 15, Episode 8: Exterminate!

Episode 8: Exterminate!

Michael Cash called in the exterminator Francis Pinsky with a two-part job…first, he wanted Francis to kill the rat, Refuse V. Torvelson. The second pest he wanted eliminated…Perry Fippler.

In the catacombs underneath the restaurant, Refuse was tracking Nipsey’s distinctive scent (coconut and Febreze) when he got caught in a glue trap. He realized he would have to gnaw his leg off to escape.

At the hostess stand, Perry was talking with the new waitress Cece Rondino, flirting in geek-speak. Cece explained that she was treating her job like a videogame, doing her best to collect XP and level up. Perry replied that he hoped they could level up his penis later that night. In the shadows, Nipsey saw the whole thing.

Santiago and Lois were going over their getaway plan. Santiago revealed that he had always dreamed of going to Mount Kilimanjaro, just like in the Toto song. He informed Lois that once they escaped, they would be hunted down…the only way to keep the authorities from coming after her would be to fake her own death. However, Lois revealed that she was having second thoughts…now that W.T. Friday’s had gotten a new rolling salad bar, she was thinking of staying. Santiago said she would have to choose between him and the salad bar. She asked for ten minutes to decide.

Nipsey was sleeping, having Poe-like nightmares from her guilt over abandoning Pat Anderson in the catacombs. Refuse V. Torvelson found her and woke her up by nibbling on her feet. Refuse informed her that her father was trapped underground. Nipsey remembered all the hints Pat had dropped and realized that Pat was her father. She bandaged up Refuse’s leg and set off with him to find Pat, following the trail Refuse had left with his own droppings.

Meanwhile, Francis Pinsky was following the trail himself, when he found the Professor. Putting a knife to the Professor’s throat, he growled that he was looking for a rat. The Professor admitted that he had seen Refuse, but warned that he believed the rat had AIDS. Francis revealed that he himself had developed Rat-AIDS in the 1980s as a weapon to wipe out rodents…he’d taken the virus and dumbed it down to rat level. Francis asked the Professor what he was willing to do for $5. The Professor assumed he was talking about sex.

Pat Anderson was wandering through the catacombs when he got caught in a glue trap. He was just about to start gnawing his arm off when Nipsey and Refuse found him. Nipsey confessed that she knew he was her father, and he asked her forgiveness for not being there for her. Above them, Francis sprayed his Rat-AIDS gas through the manhole. As the gas flooded the catacombs, the trio attempted to escape. Realizing that one of them would have to stay behind, Refuse told Pat and Nipsey to save themselves…he would sacrifice himself for them.

Lois went to Michael’s office and found Perry there. She explained that she’d come to give Michael her two weeks’ notice. Changing the subject (as he usually did), Perry revealed that Chief Barto’s ghost had informed him that Nipsey was still alive. Stunned by this news, Lois decided to stay on for Nipsey’s sake. However, Perry told her that her resignation was now in the system and it was too late to take it back.

Santiago and Michael met secretly, as they were still “Silencio Brothers” over their mutual guilt in Sam Friday’s death. Santiago gave Michael his two weeks’ notice, infuriating Michael. (“Do you know how hard it’s going to be to find someone I can manipulate as easily as you?”) Santiago declared that, despite Michael’s threats, he was still determined to leave with Lois and the rolling salad bar.

Francis Pinsky came to Michael’s office to collect half his fee, explaining that he’d infected Refuse with Rat-AIDS. Michael protested that he wanted the rat dead NOW, not years from now…and he wanted to see the body as proof. Francis warned that this would cost extra…TWO DOLLARS extra.

Cece was going over her side-work when Nipsey came in and started throwing things around. Cece and Nipsey confronted each other over their longtime rivalry, as they’d ruined each others’ lives in high school. (“It was YOUR decision to have sex with the football captain on the field, Cece…I just told everybody to watch.”) When Nipsey accused Cece of stealing Perry from her, Cece countered that Nipsey had never wanted him in the first place. Nipsey warned Cece that if she took Perry, she’d better be prepared to take her baby as well…Nipsey was planning to abandon it with Perry and Cece.

Francis went underground to search for Refuse, finding the rat weakened but furious. (“You gave me Rat-AIDS! I have a terrible HMO!”) Taking hold of Refuse, Francis asked the rat what his greatest accomplishment was. Refuse reminisced about the time he found a delicious half-rack of ribs behind a Chili’s. Drawing a knife, Francis told Refuse to focus on that happy feeling. As Refuse tearfully broke into the baby-back ribs song, Francis slit the rat’s throat and then stabbed him viciously.

Perry and Santiago were sitting on the roof, trying to burst clouds with their minds. Perry pointed out one that looked like a rat; as he destroyed it, he remarked “I feel like an entire audience is booing me.” Perry then gave Santiago a membership card to his Best Friends Club, explaining that he was one of the only people Perry could talk to…especially since he saw Santiago kill Nipsey’s mother.

The Professor ran into Francis Pinsky, who now had Refuse’s body strapped to his belt. (“You are one scary fuck!”) Francis asked the Professor where Perry was, explaining that he was asking because old black men know everything, just like Morgan Freeman in that prison movie. The Professor was offended by the stereotype, but replied that he DID know that Perry could usually be found in Michael’s office. Realizing that Francis was going to kill Perry, the Professor was struck by a Vietnam flashback. The rush of killing came over him, and he asked if he could come along.

Pat Anderson returned to W.T. Friday’s and settled in at his old table. Lois came by with the rolling salad bar and fed him every vegetable they had, presenting them over-dramatically because it may be the last salad she ever serves. She explained that she was going away, though she couldn’t tell him where. Pat protested that if she left, he would lose his touchstone at the restaurant.

Lured by a note supposedly written by Cece, Perry entered an old shack where Francis Pinsky was waiting. Francis asked Perry about his greatest accomplishment, and Perry replied that he hadn’t done it yet. As Francis drew his knife, Perry realized what was happening, then started rambling about Death coming to get him like in those Final Destination movies. Francis pointed out that in those movies, Death always wins…then Francis stabbed him. Barely reacting, Perry asked who had hired Francis. Francis informed him that it had been Michael, then stabbed Perry yet again. Still not reacting (“Seriously, how are you not falling down?”), Perry answered his cell phone. After taking the call, Perry remarked “It’s my heart…it’s just given its two weeks’ notice.” Then Perry collapsed.

Meanwhile, Francis’ exterminating chemicals seeped through the sewers and combined with the sulfur in the soil. The compound made its way down to the swamp where it soaked into a long-forgotten body that had been dumped there…the body of Sam Friday. The abandoned corpse convulsed and revived, declaring “I’m back, Michael Cash…and I can’t wait to see you!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 15, Episode 1: Welcome to W.T. Friday's!

A new season of SCANDAL! has begun...this time set in the wild, cutthroat world of the restaurant industry!

Last Week in SCANDAL!
Episode 1: Welcome to W.T. Friday’s!

Michael Cash, manager of the popular restaurant W.T. Friday’s, was holding a meeting with the assistant night shift supervisor Perry Fickler, to discuss the lengthy list of suggestions from Sam Friday (grandson of founder W.T. Friday). Among Sam’s recommendations, he urged them to replace the urinal cakes more often. Michael furiously protested that they couldn’t afford such extravagance, until Perry calmed him down by offering him a Mountain Dew.

Lois, a convict who had been assigned to the salad bar as part of her work-release program, was washing dishes when Santiago the busboy arrived. When Santiago pointed out that she was doing his job, Lois suggested that he just supervise her as she finishes. Thrilled by his unexpected (and unauthorized) promotion to supervisor, Santiago went power-mad and immediately issued a performance evaluation. Lois then began flirting with him.

Nipsey the waitress approached local “street entrepreneur” The Professor to discuss the recent car break-ins in the restaurant parking lot. Outraged that she’d assume he was guilty because he’s homeless, the Professor declared that he didn’t need to steal because he has security, proudly showing her his silver carrying case. When she asked where he got it, he sheepishly admitted “A car.” As Nipsey opened the case, the Professor explained that it was a portable phone from the ’80s. Nipsey was awestruck when she realized it wasn’t just a phone FROM the ’80s…it’s a phone TO the ’80s.

Sam Friday was talking to Pat Anderson, an old-timer customer who remembered Sam’s grandfather W.T. (“He expects a lot of you…and he thinks you’re gonna fail him.”) Sam explained that, even though he didn’t work there and had no actual authority over the restaurant, he still believed that his heritage gave him a say in how it was run. Pat told Sam that he needed to assert himself, and to build himself up by tearing Michael down.

Santiago went to Michael’s office with an evaluation report on Lois. Michael pointed out that not only was Santiago not a supervisor, but a 45-page document on dishwashing was overkill. Michael warned Santiago not to overstep his bounds, or he’d attract the attention of the immigration authorities. He then explained that he had to hold Santiago back for his own good.

The Professor went to Lois for advice, explaining that he wanted very much to be part of the W.T. Friday’s establishment. Lois replied that she wasn’t truly a part of the restaurant, but only a prisoner…and she’d rather be back in her cell than stuck here. They contemplated some way of switching places.

The other customers grew impatient as Nipsey took Pat Anderson’s incredibly long-winded, elaborate order. Fed up, Nipsey told Pat he was getting a hamburger. Pat passive-agressively apologized for making her do her job, then offered to go out to his station wagon and shoot himself. Nipsey told Pat that this was why nobody else ever waits on him, then suggested that he come in on a Tuesday afternoon, when there’s no rush and he can ramble on to his heart’s content.

Sam Friday went to the manager’s office to talk to Perry. Sam believed that Michael was slacking on the job, so he wanted Perry to spy on him. Perry remarked that if he wasn’t so heavily medicated, he would hit Sam for asking him to betray a friend. Sam retorted that Michael was nobody’s friend. Just then, Michael came in and asked them to get out of his office.

Santiago led Lois to her sleeping quarters, prompting her to reminisce about her youth, growing up in a hothouse in Alabama where the flowers bloomed just for her. Her story gradually lulled Santiago to sleep.

Perry went to persuade Nipsey to join him against Sam, but had great difficulty working up the courage to talk to her. He finally got around to telling her about Sam’s “rules,” but Nipsey pointed out that Sam had no standing in the restaurant, so all his suggestions can be ignored. Perry worried that Sam was planning to get rid of Michael one way or another.

Pat was out in the alley, looking for his silver case, when he found the Professor using it as a pillow. Pat woke up the Professor and warned him of the phone’s power. The Professor asked just one favor…he wanted to use the phone to call his past self in the ’80s.. Pat warned him that tampering with the past could have disastrous ramifications, but the Professor pointed out that he already lived in an alley, so how could things get worse?

As Michael walked out to his car, Sam demanded to know where he was going. Michael explained that he was going to pick up urinal cakes, but Sam accused him of going off to sleep on the job. Fed up, Michael handed Sam his car keys and told him to go pick up the cakes himself.

Pat asked Nipsey if there were some way to exile the Professor from the restaurant. Upset, Nipsey declared that the Professor was her mentor. She explained that he kept her safe by walking her to her car at night, and Pat suggested that he could do that for her. They realized that they both just wanted what was best for the restaurant. Then they started singing the “Family Ties” theme.

At the salad bar, Perry pointed out to Lois that she was out of parmesan croutons. She dramatically declared that she would remember and attend to the problem. When Perry asked about her grandiose manner, she explained that she had a theatrical background. He asked her to recommend a play about revenge, prompting her to re-enact a scene from her one-woman show “She’s So Angry.” Perry replied that he meant a REAL play.

Santiago crept into the office, where he found Michael standing over a pool of blood and a pair of shoes. Michael explained that, after Sam pulled out in his car, there was a terrible accident. Michael revealed that he had pulled Sam’s bloody body out of the wreckage, then disposed of it by dissolving it in Clorox. Santiago confessed that he had cut the brakeline to Michael’s car in revenge for Michael’s treatment of him…but he never expected anybody to get hurt, he just thought it would result in a comically slapstick “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.” Bonded by their mutual guilt, Michael and Santiago agreed to keep Sam’s death a secret between them.

TO BE CONTINUED…