Episode 11: Call It
Little Sammy Swanson’ father, Steven Swanson, arrived at the hospital, explaining that he’d just returned from his Disneyland vacation (courtesy of the Make-a-Wish Foundation) and had come to pick up his son’s remains and the insurance check. Rosie Jay informed him that not only was Sammy still alive, but that she had adopted him. Steven was puzzled as to how she could have done that, but he didn’t let his confusion or her obvious contempt stop him from coming on to her.
Nurse Barney Kabob was up on the roof, casing the bank across the street. When Head Nurse Yummy Wampler came up to do some cleaning, Barney confessed that he felt out of place in the hospital and was feeling the lure of his old criminal lifestyle. Yummy asked why he’d been in prison in the first place.
BARNEY: “You ever get filled with rage? Rage that makes you wrap your fingers around the living neck of another human being until it stops? You ever do that five times?”
Uncomfortable with the way Barney was looking at her, Yummy informed him that she’d lost her erogenous zones in a Girl Scout accident years before. She managed to talk Barney down and get him to face the cause of his problems: a lack of love from his mother. Barney broke down crying and asked Yummy to be his mom.
Dr. Corky Howser was examining Sammy Swanson, amazed that Sammy had managed to hold on for so long. Sammy informed him that he had accepted his impending death…but now that he’d reached puberty, he wanted to die a man and not a boy. Corky, being 15 and afflicted with Down’s Syndrome, didn’t know what he meant by that. Corky asked Sammy to explain the birds and the bees.
SAMMY: “Well, from what I learned from Cinemax, the boy comes over to repair the cable or some other major appliance…”
Attorney Wince Medler and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were playing a game of high-stakes poker, with Stern deep in the hole. As a piece of friendly advice, Wince explained Stern’s problem: He thinks out loud when he looks at his cards. As they continued the game, Wince informed Stern that he was representing 19 patients who suing the hospital after developing Legionnaire’s Disease. They set the stakes for the next hand: If Stern wins, Wince drops the lawsuit. If Wince wins, Stern steps down and appoints Wince the new CEO of the hospital. Naturally, Wince won the hand and the hospital…then, just when it looked like things couldn’t get any worse for Stern, he started showing the first symptoms of Legionnaire’s Disease.
Rosie Jay and Barney Kabob met in a restaurant to discuss their upcoming wedding, but the conversation turned ugly when Barney accused her of inappropriate behavior with Sammy. She retorted that he was only projecting his own fears and anger onto her, but this psychological talk went completely over his head. Rosie angrily broke off the engagement.
Steven Swanson was drinking at the hospital bar, the Rusty Scalpel, where Stern Boyer was serving the drinks. Steven informed Stern that he was planning to sue the hospital for keeping his son alive and denying Steven his insurance check. Just then, Sammy Swanson entered.
STEVEN: “What are you doing alive?”
SAMMY: “I could ask you the same question…but it wouldn’t make any sense.”
Sammy warned his father that he had prepared a letter for the Make-a-Wish Foundation, informing them of Steven’s fraud. He went on to explain that the insurance money would go to his new mother, Rosie Jay. Steven replied that he would challenge the adoption, since both he and Sammy’s morbidly obese mother were still alive.
In the supply room, Yummy Wampler was practicing her stand-up comedy routine, using an IV stand as an imaginary microphone. Little Sammy entered, and after a brief conversation, Sammy asked Yummy to take his virginity and make a man of him.
SAMMY: “You’re more of a woman than I’ve ever seen before.”
YUMMY: “Oh, you poor kid.”
Yummy warned Sammy that she had no erogenous zones, but with his lack of experience, she figured it wouldn’t make any difference.
Dr. Corky Howser was in his office, contemplating his domain as the hospital’s new Chief Surgeon. Just then, Wince Medler entered and informed Corky that he’d won control of the hospital from Stern Boyer. He announced that, as the new CEO, he was going to fire Corky…then, as an attorney, he would represent Corky and file a discrimination suit against the hospital.
Rosie Jay was out driving the ambulance when Stern Boyer jumped in front of it. After Rosie pulled him inside, Stern lamented that he’d lost the hospital in a poker game, and that he was dying of Legionnaire’s Disease. Rosie told him that Legionnaire’s Disease was easily treatable, but his gambling addiction was the problem he REALLY needed help with. Inspired by her street smarts and confident attitude, Stern put her in charge of the hospital (even though he no longer had the authority to do so).
Barney Kabob was in the chapel, asking God why He’d forsaken him. Just then, Steven Swanson entered and asked Barney to help him collect his insurance by getting rid of Sammy. Barney pointed out that the insurance policy only worked if Sammy died a natural death, but Steven countered that “natural things happen,” especially in such a crappy hospital. Feeling abandoned by God and tempted by Steven’s evil, Barney ripped off his shirt to reveal the devil-face gang tattoo on his chest. Steven realized that he and Barney were both fellow members of The Diablos.
Enjoying a post-coital snack of Teddy Grahams, Sammy noticed that Yummy had become quiet and withdrawn. She explained that she felt guilty and dirty, and informed him that it would never work out…he was terminally ill, and she’d probably go to prison where she’d become some other woman’s bitch. Her only consolation was that, since Sammy would die soon, nobody would ever know about their illegal encounter. Sammy informed her that he’d captured their moments of passion on his on-line journal and webcam.
Corky lamented the loss of his job to Barney (who was standing with his back towards Corky). When Barney turned around, Corky saw the devil tattoo on his chest and was stricken with fear. Realizing that Barney had gone over to the side of evil, Corky warned that he would stop Barney’s nefarious plans. They began wrestling.
Wince Medler was settling into his new office when Steven Swanson arrived and informed him he was suing the hospital. Gloating, Steven rubbed his crotch, and a loud “boo” filled the room. Steven explained the noise by revealing that he’d had his testicles replaced with See-and-Say toy parts 14 years ago. Wince pointed out that, since Sammy Swanson is only 13, that means Sammy couldn’t possibly be Steven’s son, which means he has no claim. Steven cursed that his plans had been foiled by his poor math skills. Just then, Corky ran through, screaming that a murderer was loose in the hospital. Barney burst in immediately afterwards and quickly knocked Corky unconscious. In the confusion, Steven picked up Corky’s toy hammer and lightly tapped Wince on the head, killing him instantly. Yes, you read that right…toy hammer, light tap, killed.
In the operating room, Barney had Corky tied facedown on a gurney and was preparing to give him an enema of Legionnaire’s Disease. However, before that could happen, Yummy burst in, carrying the dying (this time for sure) Sammy Swanson. She untied Corky and put Sammy onto the gurney so they could save him, but Sammy flatlined moments later. Corky managed to bring him back with mouth-to-mouth, just as Rosie Jay and Stern Boyer entered. Barney tried to sneak out of the room in the confusion, but was blocked when Steven Swanson arrived. Steven informed Barney that he’d receive his payment as soon as Sammy flatlined permanently. Yummy declared her love for Sammy and told everybody about their encounter, since it was already on the Internet anyway. Steven informed Sammy that, even though he was still just waiting to profit from his death, he was proud that his son had become a man. Suddenly, everybody realized what Sammy’s “manhood” meant.
BARNEY: “Wait a minute! You hired me to kill the kid. If he’s a man, the deal’s off.”
ROSIE: “And if he’s a man, you don’t get the money!”
YUMMY: “If he’s a man, I didn’t do anything illegal…three times.”
STERN: “If he’s a man…I’m still dying!”
Sammy presented his will: He left all his love to Rosie, and Yummy three times on Sunday. His genitals would go to Steven Swanson, to replace his toy testicles. The insurance money would go to Little Five Points Hospital so that it could become a REAL hospital.
ROSIE: “Oh, Sammy. You’ve changed everyone’s life.”
STERN: “Except mine. I don’t want to keep harping on it, but I’m still dying.”
With that, Stern Boyer died.
Atoning for his evil ways, Steven told Sammy the truth: He wasn’t Sammy’s real father. He found Sammy on the street as an infant, and brought him up as his own. Sammy grew up imitating Steven’s lisp, which meant that Sammy’s manner of speech was just conditioning and not the terminal speech impediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome. What’s more, Steven’s own lisp was just an act…he revealed his true accent and identity as Pablo Espanol, leader of the Diablo gang. Stunned by this revelation, Sammy pointed out that he still had a brain tumor, so he’d probably better just go ahead and die anyway. Steven and Barney decided to set out for a new life together in prison, leaving Sammy with a photo of his morbidly obese mother. (“Let this sight guide you into Heaven.”) The sight of the photo finally finished Sammy once and for all.
Left alone, Corky, Rosie and Yummy decided to go to the Little Varsity Jr. and raise a Frosted Orange in Sammy’s memory. As they walked out, Corky asked Rosie and Yummy what everybody meant by all this talk about Sammy becoming a man. Yummy offered to show him.
THE END
Showing posts with label sammy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sammy. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Season 10, Episode 10: Knowing One's Ass from One's Elbow
Episode 10: Knowing One’s Ass from One’s Elbow
In the garage, paramedic Rosie Jay (disguised as Nurse Vanessa Goodhead) was nostalgically looking over her old ambulance when she discovered little Sammy Swanson hiding in the back. She offered to let the dying boy drive the ambulance, though he needed to sit on her lap while she worked the pedals. Afterwards, Sammy thanked her for her kindness, but lamented that nobody was working on granting him his dying wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. “Vanessa” offered to get a papier-mâché horse and dress up like Michael Jordan, then they could pretend they’re on the moon. Sammy found this offer incredibly lame.
Dr. Corky Howser introduced the hospital’s newest employee, a 6’3” talking chicken whom he’d brought in to entertain the children.
Former Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was drinking in the bar while baseball great Two-Shoes Blair recounted the story of how Babe Ruth cracked the Liberty Bell. Sturgis then told Two-Shoes that he’d been fired from the hospital. Two-Shoes offered his sympathies, and they danced to James Ingram’s “Just Once.”
Due to the staff shortage, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Cluckles the 6’3” chicken were performing surgery on a patient, with predictably fatal results.
As Sammy lamented that his parents had just dropped him off while they enjoyed the Disneyland vacation from the Make-a-Wish Foundation, “Vanessa” offered to take him in at her apartment. Sammy thanked her, then confided that he thought he’d developed another illness in addition to his terminal speech impediment and brain tumor. He explained that his body had been going through some weird changes, so Rosie presented a montage explaining all about puberty.
Sturgis went to Yummy Wampler to ask for help in getting his job back. When Yummy gloated about his getting what he deserved, Sturgis suggested that she look on the computer and check the “Yummy’s Retirement Fund” folder. He explained that he’d been diverting money from the hospital for all those years to secretly reward her…but if he’s fired from the hospital, she’d never be able to access it. Yummy agreed to get him reinstated.
Cluckles was signing the discharge papers so Sammy could go home with “Vanessa.” Suddenly, Cluckles broke down and cried over the patient he lost. Sammy reassured him: “You’re not a god, you’re just a chicken.”
Two-Shoes Blair burst into Dr. Corky Howser’s office and reminded him about an operation he performed three years ago: Two-Shoes’ mother came in for a liver transplant, and Corky replaced her liver with a kidney instead. Now, he’d come for revenge. In response, Corky reminded Two-Shoes about another operation he’d done one year ago: When Two-Shoes was injured in a game, Corky implanted a secret control chip in his elbow…and now, Corky could control Two-Shoes’ right arm with a telephone.
At “Vanessa’s” apartment, Sammy turned on the TV and stumbled onto a porn channel. When “Vanessa” came in, she immediately shut it off, then explained that there’s no love in those movies like there should be. She told him that she had another surprise for him…then she brought in a horse, a jersey, and a space helmet.
Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” in the nurses’ lounge when Yummy entered and asked him to re-hire Sturgis. When Corky asked what was in it for him, Yummy offered to divert hospital funds to get Corky an endless supply of Chapstick. Corky agreed.
Cluckles was swimming in the exercise pool when Two-Shoes Blair entered. When Two-Shoes recognized Cluckles as the San Diego Chicken, Cluckles explained that he’d decided to take a break and scale back his career into smaller venues. Suddenly, the chip in Two-Shoes’ elbow took control, causing Two-Shoes to grab his own crotch.
Sturgis St. Cloud and “Vanessa” met in the park for a game of horseshoes and a discussion. He revealed that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, and she confronted him about his attempt on her life. He protested that he never intended to kill her, but only make it look as though she was dead for a few days. In the heat of their argument, he confessed that he found her irresistible. He kissed her, she slapped him, and he grabbed her to carry her off. Rosie’s skirt got hiked up in the struggle, just in time for little Sammy to arrive and see her ass.
Two-Shoes Blair, accompanied by Cluckles, went to see Yummy Wampler to plead for some experimental arm-numbing medication. Two-Shoes’ arm went out of control and groped Yummy…so what was Cluckles’ excuse for doing the same?
Sammy rushed into Corky’s office and told him that he’d seen Sturgis abducting “Vanessa” (and had seen her butt in the process), but that Sturgis had called her “Rosie” while he was doing it. Realizing that Rosie was still alive, Corky swore to rescue the woman he loved. Corky declared that, while Sammy had only a few hours to live, Sturgis was going to die even sooner.
Yummy gave Two-Shoes a dose of an experimental medicine to bring his arm under control, then warned him that the drug might be hard on a man his age. Two-Shoes suddenly collapsed, knocking over the table.
Sturgis was holding Rosie hostage on the roof when Corky burst in. Pushing Rosie away, Sturgis reminded Corky that he’d protected Corky from lawsuits and financial ruin for all his time at the hospital…protection that the retarded teenage doctor couldn’t give himself once he’s in charge. Suddenly, Two-Shoes Blair and Sammy Swanson burst in. Grabbing a telephone, Corky took control of Two-Shoes’ arm and forced him to grab Sturgis by the throat. Gasping for breath, Sturgis issued a warning to Corky:
STURGIS: “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown! I’m also…your father! No, that’s not true…I just know how much you love Star Wars.”
At that point, Corky made Two-Shoes drop Sturgis off the roof.
TO BE CONCLUDED…
In the garage, paramedic Rosie Jay (disguised as Nurse Vanessa Goodhead) was nostalgically looking over her old ambulance when she discovered little Sammy Swanson hiding in the back. She offered to let the dying boy drive the ambulance, though he needed to sit on her lap while she worked the pedals. Afterwards, Sammy thanked her for her kindness, but lamented that nobody was working on granting him his dying wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. “Vanessa” offered to get a papier-mâché horse and dress up like Michael Jordan, then they could pretend they’re on the moon. Sammy found this offer incredibly lame.
Dr. Corky Howser introduced the hospital’s newest employee, a 6’3” talking chicken whom he’d brought in to entertain the children.
Former Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was drinking in the bar while baseball great Two-Shoes Blair recounted the story of how Babe Ruth cracked the Liberty Bell. Sturgis then told Two-Shoes that he’d been fired from the hospital. Two-Shoes offered his sympathies, and they danced to James Ingram’s “Just Once.”
Due to the staff shortage, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Cluckles the 6’3” chicken were performing surgery on a patient, with predictably fatal results.
As Sammy lamented that his parents had just dropped him off while they enjoyed the Disneyland vacation from the Make-a-Wish Foundation, “Vanessa” offered to take him in at her apartment. Sammy thanked her, then confided that he thought he’d developed another illness in addition to his terminal speech impediment and brain tumor. He explained that his body had been going through some weird changes, so Rosie presented a montage explaining all about puberty.
Sturgis went to Yummy Wampler to ask for help in getting his job back. When Yummy gloated about his getting what he deserved, Sturgis suggested that she look on the computer and check the “Yummy’s Retirement Fund” folder. He explained that he’d been diverting money from the hospital for all those years to secretly reward her…but if he’s fired from the hospital, she’d never be able to access it. Yummy agreed to get him reinstated.
Cluckles was signing the discharge papers so Sammy could go home with “Vanessa.” Suddenly, Cluckles broke down and cried over the patient he lost. Sammy reassured him: “You’re not a god, you’re just a chicken.”
Two-Shoes Blair burst into Dr. Corky Howser’s office and reminded him about an operation he performed three years ago: Two-Shoes’ mother came in for a liver transplant, and Corky replaced her liver with a kidney instead. Now, he’d come for revenge. In response, Corky reminded Two-Shoes about another operation he’d done one year ago: When Two-Shoes was injured in a game, Corky implanted a secret control chip in his elbow…and now, Corky could control Two-Shoes’ right arm with a telephone.
At “Vanessa’s” apartment, Sammy turned on the TV and stumbled onto a porn channel. When “Vanessa” came in, she immediately shut it off, then explained that there’s no love in those movies like there should be. She told him that she had another surprise for him…then she brought in a horse, a jersey, and a space helmet.
Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” in the nurses’ lounge when Yummy entered and asked him to re-hire Sturgis. When Corky asked what was in it for him, Yummy offered to divert hospital funds to get Corky an endless supply of Chapstick. Corky agreed.
Cluckles was swimming in the exercise pool when Two-Shoes Blair entered. When Two-Shoes recognized Cluckles as the San Diego Chicken, Cluckles explained that he’d decided to take a break and scale back his career into smaller venues. Suddenly, the chip in Two-Shoes’ elbow took control, causing Two-Shoes to grab his own crotch.
Sturgis St. Cloud and “Vanessa” met in the park for a game of horseshoes and a discussion. He revealed that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, and she confronted him about his attempt on her life. He protested that he never intended to kill her, but only make it look as though she was dead for a few days. In the heat of their argument, he confessed that he found her irresistible. He kissed her, she slapped him, and he grabbed her to carry her off. Rosie’s skirt got hiked up in the struggle, just in time for little Sammy to arrive and see her ass.
Two-Shoes Blair, accompanied by Cluckles, went to see Yummy Wampler to plead for some experimental arm-numbing medication. Two-Shoes’ arm went out of control and groped Yummy…so what was Cluckles’ excuse for doing the same?
Sammy rushed into Corky’s office and told him that he’d seen Sturgis abducting “Vanessa” (and had seen her butt in the process), but that Sturgis had called her “Rosie” while he was doing it. Realizing that Rosie was still alive, Corky swore to rescue the woman he loved. Corky declared that, while Sammy had only a few hours to live, Sturgis was going to die even sooner.
Yummy gave Two-Shoes a dose of an experimental medicine to bring his arm under control, then warned him that the drug might be hard on a man his age. Two-Shoes suddenly collapsed, knocking over the table.
Sturgis was holding Rosie hostage on the roof when Corky burst in. Pushing Rosie away, Sturgis reminded Corky that he’d protected Corky from lawsuits and financial ruin for all his time at the hospital…protection that the retarded teenage doctor couldn’t give himself once he’s in charge. Suddenly, Two-Shoes Blair and Sammy Swanson burst in. Grabbing a telephone, Corky took control of Two-Shoes’ arm and forced him to grab Sturgis by the throat. Gasping for breath, Sturgis issued a warning to Corky:
STURGIS: “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown! I’m also…your father! No, that’s not true…I just know how much you love Star Wars.”
At that point, Corky made Two-Shoes drop Sturgis off the roof.
TO BE CONCLUDED…
Monday, March 2, 2009
Season 10, Episode 9: Circus of Horrors
Episode 9: Circus of Horrors
Rosie Jay (still masquerading as the late Vanessa Goodhead) and Barney Kabob were in the ambulance, driving to pick out engagement rings and discussing their future together. Rosie envisioned raising three kids, and Barney suggested that they get a dog instead. Eventually, they settled on a compromise: one large dog or two small ones for each child they have. Suddenly, an emergency call came over the radio announcing that a circus train had derailed.
The young patient Sammy Swanson, having suffered a relapse of his terminal speech impediment, was sitting in his hospital room when baseball legend Two-Shoes Blair entered. Two-Shoes explained that he’d come to the hospital to brighten up Sammy’s dying days. He presented Sammy with a dog (whom Sammy named Scrapples) and a jock-cup, then explained that Sammy could summon him at any time by rubbing the cup.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Dr. Corky Howser were playing pool in the hospital’s bar, The Rusty Scalpel. Sturgis apologized for overworking Corky, explaining that he was just trying motivate Corky into the best retarded doctor he could be. He offered to be Corky’s father figure, then gave him some papers to sign (or at least mark) making it official. Suddenly, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler rushed in with news of the circus train crash.
Father Bob, who had let his newly-discovered healing powers go to his head and had taken to wearing a white robe, was admitting an injured elephant at the triage station. Attorney Wince Medler entered and offered to get the elephant a huge pain-and-suffering settlement. Father Bob explained that there would be no pain and suffering to repay after he uses his magic dick to heal all the injured people and animals. Medler countered that suing, not healing, is what brings in the money.
While treating an injured monkey, Corky explained to Rosie/“Vanessa” that he’d come to realize that he truly loved Rosie, and since she was dead now, she’d never know how he really felt. “Vanessa” assured him that Rosie was hearing every word he said. Corky said that, as a man of science (or at least a retarded teen of science), he couldn’t believe that. He lamented that he would never know love again.
While operating on an injured clown, Barney Kabob confided to Yummy Wampler that he was nervous about his upcoming wedding. Yummy warned him that wedding jitters could have disastrous consequences…and could even lead to death. Barney frantically asked her what she meant by that, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.
Sammy Swanson and Two-Shoes Blair ran into Wince Medler, who warned Sammy not to put his faith in “Steroid” Blair. As Two-Shoes professed his innocence, Sturgis came by and handed him his steroid prescription. Disillusioned, Sammy ran off in tears. When Two-Shoes threatened Wince for exposing him, Wince explained that he could offer him a new undetectable steroid that could land him a slot on the National Nationals.
Up on the roof, Sammy was contemplating his lost innocence when Sturgis St. Cloud walked up. Sturgis explained that, since his attempt to save Sammy’s life had failed, he would now help Sammy pack as much living as possible into his last days. In other words: PARTY!!!!
A panicked Yummy ran through the halls, shouting that the circus’ lions and stilt-walkers had escaped. Rosie grabbed a stun-gun from the supply closet and prepared to patrol the hospital. Corky entered, and the startled Rosie immediately stunned him.
Barney Kabob and Father Bob had barricaded themselves in the Little Varsity Jr., trying to hold the lions at bay. Father Bob announced that he would go out and face the lions like the Christians of old, with faith that his holy powers would protect him. Immediately after he left, horrible screams filled the air, and Bob’s robe and collar came flying through the door.
In the pediatric wing, Wince Medler and Two-Shoes Blair comforted the children by singing a song about the subjects they knew best: drugs and hookers.
Sturgis took Sammy on a double-date with a couple of girls they had rescued from the animals. Sturgis tried to hit his date up for some gratitude sex, but they were more interested in watching “The Iron Giant” with Sammy.
As Yummy treated his stun-gun injury, Corky informed her that Sturgis had drawn up some adoption papers for him earlier…and since the leadership of the hospital had been passed down through the St. Cloud family for generations, that meant that he could now wrest control from Sturgis. Yummy was thrilled by this news, until Corky informed her that he’d have her working harder and longer shifts than ever before, since she’d been part of the system that exploited his Down’s Syndrome and only paid him in apple slices and Tortino’s pizza rolls.
Rosie and Barney were patrolling the hospital, stunning animals left and right. Barney told her that the danger had made him realize how much he wanted her in his life, and erased the doubts he was having about marriage.
After a montage of partying, Sammy thanked Sturgis for showing him such a good time in his last days. Sturgis comforted Sammy by comparing death to the ending of “The Iron Giant,” explaining that his soul would explode into a million pieces then draw itself back together.
Afterwards, Sturgis told Corky how good he felt about finally doing something good for a patient. Corky complimented him on developing a bedside manner, than handed him his pink slip. Sturgis agreed to clean out his desk, but warned Corky that he’d regret this.
With Corky gone mad with power, Yummy consulted Wince Medler to see if he could break the contract. Medler agreed to help her if she’d serve as his maid for two weeks.
Sammy was searching for his dog Scrapples when a giant circus crocodile suddenly appeared and ate Scrapples. Terrified, Sammy rubbed the magic jock-cup, and Two-Shoes Blair rushed in to the rescue, killing the crocodile by jamming a baseball down its throat after an intense battle. Sammy thanked Two-Shoes for restoring his faith in him, and Two-Shoes promised to hit two home runs in his next game…one for Sammy, and one for Scrapples.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Rosie Jay (still masquerading as the late Vanessa Goodhead) and Barney Kabob were in the ambulance, driving to pick out engagement rings and discussing their future together. Rosie envisioned raising three kids, and Barney suggested that they get a dog instead. Eventually, they settled on a compromise: one large dog or two small ones for each child they have. Suddenly, an emergency call came over the radio announcing that a circus train had derailed.
The young patient Sammy Swanson, having suffered a relapse of his terminal speech impediment, was sitting in his hospital room when baseball legend Two-Shoes Blair entered. Two-Shoes explained that he’d come to the hospital to brighten up Sammy’s dying days. He presented Sammy with a dog (whom Sammy named Scrapples) and a jock-cup, then explained that Sammy could summon him at any time by rubbing the cup.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Dr. Corky Howser were playing pool in the hospital’s bar, The Rusty Scalpel. Sturgis apologized for overworking Corky, explaining that he was just trying motivate Corky into the best retarded doctor he could be. He offered to be Corky’s father figure, then gave him some papers to sign (or at least mark) making it official. Suddenly, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler rushed in with news of the circus train crash.
Father Bob, who had let his newly-discovered healing powers go to his head and had taken to wearing a white robe, was admitting an injured elephant at the triage station. Attorney Wince Medler entered and offered to get the elephant a huge pain-and-suffering settlement. Father Bob explained that there would be no pain and suffering to repay after he uses his magic dick to heal all the injured people and animals. Medler countered that suing, not healing, is what brings in the money.
While treating an injured monkey, Corky explained to Rosie/“Vanessa” that he’d come to realize that he truly loved Rosie, and since she was dead now, she’d never know how he really felt. “Vanessa” assured him that Rosie was hearing every word he said. Corky said that, as a man of science (or at least a retarded teen of science), he couldn’t believe that. He lamented that he would never know love again.
While operating on an injured clown, Barney Kabob confided to Yummy Wampler that he was nervous about his upcoming wedding. Yummy warned him that wedding jitters could have disastrous consequences…and could even lead to death. Barney frantically asked her what she meant by that, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.
Sammy Swanson and Two-Shoes Blair ran into Wince Medler, who warned Sammy not to put his faith in “Steroid” Blair. As Two-Shoes professed his innocence, Sturgis came by and handed him his steroid prescription. Disillusioned, Sammy ran off in tears. When Two-Shoes threatened Wince for exposing him, Wince explained that he could offer him a new undetectable steroid that could land him a slot on the National Nationals.
Up on the roof, Sammy was contemplating his lost innocence when Sturgis St. Cloud walked up. Sturgis explained that, since his attempt to save Sammy’s life had failed, he would now help Sammy pack as much living as possible into his last days. In other words: PARTY!!!!
A panicked Yummy ran through the halls, shouting that the circus’ lions and stilt-walkers had escaped. Rosie grabbed a stun-gun from the supply closet and prepared to patrol the hospital. Corky entered, and the startled Rosie immediately stunned him.
Barney Kabob and Father Bob had barricaded themselves in the Little Varsity Jr., trying to hold the lions at bay. Father Bob announced that he would go out and face the lions like the Christians of old, with faith that his holy powers would protect him. Immediately after he left, horrible screams filled the air, and Bob’s robe and collar came flying through the door.
In the pediatric wing, Wince Medler and Two-Shoes Blair comforted the children by singing a song about the subjects they knew best: drugs and hookers.
Sturgis took Sammy on a double-date with a couple of girls they had rescued from the animals. Sturgis tried to hit his date up for some gratitude sex, but they were more interested in watching “The Iron Giant” with Sammy.
As Yummy treated his stun-gun injury, Corky informed her that Sturgis had drawn up some adoption papers for him earlier…and since the leadership of the hospital had been passed down through the St. Cloud family for generations, that meant that he could now wrest control from Sturgis. Yummy was thrilled by this news, until Corky informed her that he’d have her working harder and longer shifts than ever before, since she’d been part of the system that exploited his Down’s Syndrome and only paid him in apple slices and Tortino’s pizza rolls.
Rosie and Barney were patrolling the hospital, stunning animals left and right. Barney told her that the danger had made him realize how much he wanted her in his life, and erased the doubts he was having about marriage.
After a montage of partying, Sammy thanked Sturgis for showing him such a good time in his last days. Sturgis comforted Sammy by comparing death to the ending of “The Iron Giant,” explaining that his soul would explode into a million pieces then draw itself back together.
Afterwards, Sturgis told Corky how good he felt about finally doing something good for a patient. Corky complimented him on developing a bedside manner, than handed him his pink slip. Sturgis agreed to clean out his desk, but warned Corky that he’d regret this.
With Corky gone mad with power, Yummy consulted Wince Medler to see if he could break the contract. Medler agreed to help her if she’d serve as his maid for two weeks.
Sammy was searching for his dog Scrapples when a giant circus crocodile suddenly appeared and ate Scrapples. Terrified, Sammy rubbed the magic jock-cup, and Two-Shoes Blair rushed in to the rescue, killing the crocodile by jamming a baseball down its throat after an intense battle. Sammy thanked Two-Shoes for restoring his faith in him, and Two-Shoes promised to hit two home runs in his next game…one for Sammy, and one for Scrapples.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Season 10, Episode 8: I Fear for My Safety
Episode 8: I Fear for My Safety
Having killed Nurse Vanessa Goodhead (who’d been disguised as Rosie Jay) with an injection of Haitian zombie-serum, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference to assure the public that “Rosie” was doing fine. Sturgis also promised that he himself would save the terminally ill child who had just arrived at the hospital.
Meanwhile, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was admitting that patient, little Sammy Swanson. Sammy explained that he was suffering from the terminal speech imediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome (“the first symptom is that you can’t say it”).
In the bar, Father Bob Houdini was drinking himself into a stupor with grief over the deaths of Johnnie Cochran and Mitch Hedberg…oh yeah, and the impending death of the Pope. (Note: This episode was improvised before the Pope’s passing…not that that’s going to save us from going to Hell.)
Rosie Jay, disguised as Vanessa, stood beside the flatlining body of the real Vanessa. She thanked Vanessa for her sacrifice and for the opportunity to start a new life with Vanessa’s identity. The body began moving, and Rosie/Vanessa struggled to keep it down.
Sammy Swanson explained to Yummy that his parents had used his Make-a-Wish Foundation wish to take a Disneyland vacation for themselves, so he asked if she could grant his wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. The outlandishness of this request caused the overworked and overstressed Yummy to snap, and she lashed out with savage fury.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was trying to get Father Bob to eat. Father Bob lamented that John Paul II was the greatest Pope ever…in fact, he had superhuman powers. Barney said that it didn’t concern him, since he wasn’t Catholic. Bob pointed out that Barney had converted to Catholicism in prison, as revealed in the previous episode in a scene that was cut from the synopsis for space reasons.
“Vanessa” loaded “Rosie’s” body into the ambulance when Sturgis came in to sneak a joint. “Vanessa” informed him that she knew all about his cover-up of “Rosie’s” death, and had informed the press all about it. Sturgis smugly asked what proof she had, and she pointed to the body in the back.
Corky was still waiting for guidance in the chapel when Sammy Swanson ran in, fearing for his safety from Yummy’s rampage. Corky did a quick examination of Sammy, and assured him that he wouldn’t have to worry about his terminal speech impediment…the previously-undiagnosed brain tumor would kill him before then.
Meanwhile, Yummy was self-medicating in the supply closet. After she passed out, the drunken Father Bob staggered in and noticed her sprawled across the table. (“Well, Merry Christmas to me!”)
Rosie/“Vanessa” was in the real Vanessa’s apartment (with the body hidden under the couch) when Barney arrived. After sharing a drink, Barney informed her that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, then kissed her passionately. They decided to go off and start a new life together, then broke into a song and dance.
In the examination room, Sturgis St. Cloud made Sammy take off his shorts, then examined his throat. Sturgis informed Sammy that, despite all his failings as a doctor, the one thing he IS good at is treating speech impediments. Sturgis proclaimed that he could save Sammy with a uvula transplant…all he needs is to find a donor body.
The post-coital Rosie and Barney were basking in the rain on the rooftop and planning their future together. Barney confessed that he was having second thoughts, since he’d just started a new life as a doctor, and was hesitant to give that up to start yet another new life. When she replied that she couldn’t accept him if he wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifices she was, he got down on one knee, took off his shades for the first time, and asked her to marry him. She accepted.
Yummy Wampler regained consciousness just as Father Bob returned. Yummy was amazed to realize that she felt better than she had in years…all of her old ailments had cleared up. Father Bob realized that his penis had miraculous healing powers, and envisioned himself being declared a saint and having his penis preserved as a holy relic after his death.
Having followed the scent of “Rosie’s” body, Sturgis picked the lock to Vanessa’s apartment, followed by Sammy. After finding the body, Sturgis performed the uvula transplant right there with samurai-like skill. After the operation, Sammy spoke clearly (albeit with a high-pitched voice).
Corky was at the triage station when Yummy came in with a new spring in her step. Seeing a possible cure for Sammy’s brain tumor, Corky asked how she’d managed to clear up all her ailments. She cheerfully replied that Father Bob raped her.
In the chapel, Father Bob thanked God for the blessing of his miraculous powers. Corky arrived and asked Father Bob to cure Sammy with his “magic ding-dong.”
In the nurses’ lounge, Yummy was telling “Vanessa” how the day had been going (“We’ve had three deaths, two births, and then two more deaths”). “Vanessa” informed her about Barney’s proposal, and asked her to be her maid of honor. Just then, Father Bob entered, zipping up his pants and announcing that he’d revived those two women who died in childbirth.
As Sammy demonstrated his new voice to Corky, Corky examined him and remarked that somebody had replaced his uvula with a vulva. Corky then asked him if he was willing to endure something that would hurt in the short term, but would turn out for the good. Sammy didn’t understand, but agreed. Corky gave Sammy a drink, and Sammy immediately passed out. Corky left Sammy alone with Father Bob to work his magic, but Bob drunkenly passed out before he could do so. Sturgis St. Cloud entered to sneak a joint.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having killed Nurse Vanessa Goodhead (who’d been disguised as Rosie Jay) with an injection of Haitian zombie-serum, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference to assure the public that “Rosie” was doing fine. Sturgis also promised that he himself would save the terminally ill child who had just arrived at the hospital.
Meanwhile, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was admitting that patient, little Sammy Swanson. Sammy explained that he was suffering from the terminal speech imediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome (“the first symptom is that you can’t say it”).
In the bar, Father Bob Houdini was drinking himself into a stupor with grief over the deaths of Johnnie Cochran and Mitch Hedberg…oh yeah, and the impending death of the Pope. (Note: This episode was improvised before the Pope’s passing…not that that’s going to save us from going to Hell.)
Rosie Jay, disguised as Vanessa, stood beside the flatlining body of the real Vanessa. She thanked Vanessa for her sacrifice and for the opportunity to start a new life with Vanessa’s identity. The body began moving, and Rosie/Vanessa struggled to keep it down.
Sammy Swanson explained to Yummy that his parents had used his Make-a-Wish Foundation wish to take a Disneyland vacation for themselves, so he asked if she could grant his wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. The outlandishness of this request caused the overworked and overstressed Yummy to snap, and she lashed out with savage fury.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was trying to get Father Bob to eat. Father Bob lamented that John Paul II was the greatest Pope ever…in fact, he had superhuman powers. Barney said that it didn’t concern him, since he wasn’t Catholic. Bob pointed out that Barney had converted to Catholicism in prison, as revealed in the previous episode in a scene that was cut from the synopsis for space reasons.
“Vanessa” loaded “Rosie’s” body into the ambulance when Sturgis came in to sneak a joint. “Vanessa” informed him that she knew all about his cover-up of “Rosie’s” death, and had informed the press all about it. Sturgis smugly asked what proof she had, and she pointed to the body in the back.
Corky was still waiting for guidance in the chapel when Sammy Swanson ran in, fearing for his safety from Yummy’s rampage. Corky did a quick examination of Sammy, and assured him that he wouldn’t have to worry about his terminal speech impediment…the previously-undiagnosed brain tumor would kill him before then.
Meanwhile, Yummy was self-medicating in the supply closet. After she passed out, the drunken Father Bob staggered in and noticed her sprawled across the table. (“Well, Merry Christmas to me!”)
Rosie/“Vanessa” was in the real Vanessa’s apartment (with the body hidden under the couch) when Barney arrived. After sharing a drink, Barney informed her that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, then kissed her passionately. They decided to go off and start a new life together, then broke into a song and dance.
In the examination room, Sturgis St. Cloud made Sammy take off his shorts, then examined his throat. Sturgis informed Sammy that, despite all his failings as a doctor, the one thing he IS good at is treating speech impediments. Sturgis proclaimed that he could save Sammy with a uvula transplant…all he needs is to find a donor body.
The post-coital Rosie and Barney were basking in the rain on the rooftop and planning their future together. Barney confessed that he was having second thoughts, since he’d just started a new life as a doctor, and was hesitant to give that up to start yet another new life. When she replied that she couldn’t accept him if he wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifices she was, he got down on one knee, took off his shades for the first time, and asked her to marry him. She accepted.
Yummy Wampler regained consciousness just as Father Bob returned. Yummy was amazed to realize that she felt better than she had in years…all of her old ailments had cleared up. Father Bob realized that his penis had miraculous healing powers, and envisioned himself being declared a saint and having his penis preserved as a holy relic after his death.
Having followed the scent of “Rosie’s” body, Sturgis picked the lock to Vanessa’s apartment, followed by Sammy. After finding the body, Sturgis performed the uvula transplant right there with samurai-like skill. After the operation, Sammy spoke clearly (albeit with a high-pitched voice).
Corky was at the triage station when Yummy came in with a new spring in her step. Seeing a possible cure for Sammy’s brain tumor, Corky asked how she’d managed to clear up all her ailments. She cheerfully replied that Father Bob raped her.
In the chapel, Father Bob thanked God for the blessing of his miraculous powers. Corky arrived and asked Father Bob to cure Sammy with his “magic ding-dong.”
In the nurses’ lounge, Yummy was telling “Vanessa” how the day had been going (“We’ve had three deaths, two births, and then two more deaths”). “Vanessa” informed her about Barney’s proposal, and asked her to be her maid of honor. Just then, Father Bob entered, zipping up his pants and announcing that he’d revived those two women who died in childbirth.
As Sammy demonstrated his new voice to Corky, Corky examined him and remarked that somebody had replaced his uvula with a vulva. Corky then asked him if he was willing to endure something that would hurt in the short term, but would turn out for the good. Sammy didn’t understand, but agreed. Corky gave Sammy a drink, and Sammy immediately passed out. Corky left Sammy alone with Father Bob to work his magic, but Bob drunkenly passed out before he could do so. Sturgis St. Cloud entered to sneak a joint.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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