Episode 19: McMurder No More
Revitalized by having constant sex with the Pleasure-9 she-bot Estrogena Nipplor, Commander Blanket had regressed to fratboy age. He brought her aboard the Keeton-2, promising her that he’d leave his command to be with her. He offered to put on some KISS records, but she was not impressed.
Back on the surface of Pleasure-9, Altair-9000 and Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) were reunited after being on their own for two weeks. In that time, Altair had found inner peace in the beauty of nature, while Dwayne had simply gone insane.
Edwina Prototype tinkered with the butter-churn rocket while Jacob Fisher was away on Earth searching for their daughter Scoopella. Dr. Shika entered, and Edwina confessed her doubts that Jacob really loved her. Shika pointed out that she obviously must still have feelings for Jacob, or else she wouldn’t be working on his invention.
On board the Chicken Hawk, Armageddon Uno was surprised to see Darren Johnson…partly because he wasn’t expecting any visitors, but mainly because Darren was stabbed to death in Episode 16. Darren explained that his body had been jettisoned into space and made its way to Pleasure-9, where he was “sexed back to life” by Estrogena. When Darren discovered that she had taken one of his testicles even as she restored his life, he swore to rescue Commander Blanket from Estrogena’s clutches.
Estrogena Nipplor and Edwina Prototype met and immediately recognized each other as sister she-bots. Estrogena remarked that she never expected to see another of her kind, as all her people were wiped out. Edwina accused Estrogena of doing the “wiping out” herself, but Estrogena explained that the everyone else on Pleasure-9 had actually succumbed to an allergy to cheap cologne. Edwina apologized for her initial hostility, and they sat down for some she-bot bonding.
Searching for Estrogena, Armageddon & Darren discovered Commander Blanket, now regressed to a teenager.
ARMAGEDDON: “You better stop bangin’ that broad, or you’ll be in the womb in twenty minutes!”
Altair and Dwayne made their way back to the station via a rope ladder. Dwayne talked to a basketball and reminisced about the hut he made from his own feces when he was alone on Pleasure-9. Altair tried to get Dwayne to snap back to his old self.
Dr. Shika examined the teenaged Commander Blanket while a tense and edgy Armageddon Uno stood guard.
SHIKA: “Commander, I’m a little concerned right now because NOBODY’S STEERING THE SHIP!”
Shika checked the station’s computers to track down Estrogena Nipplor. When Shika mispronounced her name, Armageddon threatened to kill him. That’s how tense and edgy he was.
Edwina and Estrogena got drunk and talked about their lives. When Edwina mentioned her daughter Scoopella, Estrogena was amazed that Edwina had delivered her the old-fashioned way (“It came out of your hoo-hah?”) instead of using a birthing pod. Estrogena envied Edwina for having a real relationship and real childbirth, then revealed that she’d like to have those experiences herself…with Darren Johnson.
Altair-9000 brought Dwayne Tomagachi to see Dr. Shika. As Shika examined Dwayne, Dwayne started mimicking the doctor. As he and Dwayne spoke in one voice, Shika diagnosed Dwayne’s madness as the result of malnutrition. Dr. Shika gave Dwayne a can of beans for protein, and Dwayne was soon restored to his old self.
DWAYNE: “Dr. Shika! You actually prescribed something that worked!”
Darren and Armageddon finally found Estrogena in the hallway. Darren and Estrogena were very happy to see each other, but Commander Blanket (restored to his proper age) entered and warned Darren that he was in danger of going from simple sex to a full-blown relationship. Estrogena asked if it was a bad time to mention she wanted a baby.
Dwayne was in the commissary when a drunken Edwina entered, looking for someone to commiserate with.
EDWINA: “Are you evil, or can I talk to you?”
DWAYNE: “Look at the goatee! I’m obviously evil!”
Nevertheless, Edwina poured out her heart about Scoopella’s rampage, and they sang a duet about the difficulties of raising children.
Altair was recharging when Estrogena came in. She told Altair how her entire family had been killed by Old Spice, but that she wanted to form a new family with Darren Johnson. Altair offered to help her serenade him.
Darren confessed that he was starting to develop genuine feelings for Estrogena. Commander Blanket warned him against wild, sexy women, suggesting that he find a woman he could be friends with instead. Just then, Dr. Shika rushed in and told them where Estrogena was.
Edwina was showing pictures of Scoopella to Dwayne. Dwayne was touched by the domestic scenes, and confessed that he’d always wanted children, but his brother Heinous always said they’d get in the way of their criminal career. He explained that he’d wanted to kidnap her baby for this reason, and not just so he could breed an android army. Edwina told Dwayne that he could give up his evil ways, adopt some children, and build a future with Cody Gage.
DWAYNE: “I don’t have to be a McMurder! I can be a McLiver! A McLifegiver!”
While looking for Estrogena, the search party got distracted by the holodeck, setting it to the pirate and Rodney Dangerfield programs. Estrogena entered and recognized Dr. Shika. She showed Shika the blue testicle from her collection…the one she inherited from her mother. She revealed that her mother had taken it from Shika’s father when he was stranded on Pleasure-9…meaning that Estrogena was Shika’s half-sister!
Altair-9000 found Darren and told him that Estrogena liked him. Darren was thrilled by the news. The search party and Estrogena entered, and the lovers had a happy reunion. Dr. Shika made an honest woman of his sister by performing a wedding ceremony. The newlyweds got into an escape pod and were jettisoned off to the planet Honeymoon-5.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label darren. Show all posts
Showing posts with label darren. Show all posts
Friday, November 21, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Season 4, Episode 16: Altair Cookiehands
Episode 16: Altair Cookiehands
As the station approached Pleasure-9, Commander James T. Blanket was having nightmares about the crew dying horribly on the planet.
Edwina & Jacob held the newborn Scoopella. Edwina warned Jacob that her half-android nature would cause the baby to grow up very quickly. When Jacob mentioned that he’d be raising Scoopella in the Amish tradition, Edwina was upset that he hadn’t included her in such an important decision. She told Jacob that, whatever the actual parentage may be, they had to think of her as THEIR daughter.
Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) held Armageddon Uno prisoner, forcing him to watch reruns of “Golden Girls.” Releasing Armageddon from the force field, Dwayne admitted that his heart hadn’t been in his evil plans since falling in love with Armageddon’s sister Cody Gage.
DWAYNE: “There’s a certain purity about her…that stoned naiveté…”
Armageddon offered to swear a blood oath with Dwayne, promising that he wouldn’t give Dwayne away if Dwayne would look after Cody. Dwayne agreed, on the condition that Armageddon take a blood test first.
Cody was explaining her duties to Dwayne’s twin brother Heinous McMurder. The conversation turned to Cody’s engagement to Dwayne/Angus, and Heinous revealed that the last girl Angus had been engaged to had broken his heart. Cody gave a more-than-usually incoherent reply involving Dr. Laura, but the gist of it was that she would never do that to Dwayne. Cody and Heinous hugged, despite Heinous’ difficulty expressing himself non-violently.
Commander Blanket met Darren Johnson, the winner of a radio contest to visit the space station. Blanket suddenly realized that he didn’t need to risk his crew’s lives on Pleasure-9 when he could sacrifice an innocent civilian instead. He offered to put Darren through a rigorous training montage.
Wracked with guilt over killing Scoop, Altair-9000 had replaced his hands with dough-filled oven mitts to make sure he couldn’t hurt anyone again. Dr. Shika talked with Altair about his grief, then gave the robot a copy of Judy Blume’s “Super Fudge” to help him with these difficult feelings.
Darren Johnson’s training montage began.
Cody and Edwina went over the plans for Edwina’s wedding to Jacob. When Cody started crying about wanting a wedding of her own, Edwina assured her that “happiness begets happiness,” and her own wedding might just follow. Cody told Edwina about her fiancé, but her description was so garbled that Edwina didn’t realize she was talking about Dwayne Tomagachi. Cody sang a peppy upbeat song about her relationship.
The training montage concluded.
BLANKET: “All right! You’ve learned how to attract, kiss, seduce, push aside, kill, and seduce women.”
Darren confessed that he’d never had much time for women due to his work as producer of the horror movies Retarded Death-Stalkers I through III. As the atonal screams of the people of Retardo-Montalban 6 echoed through his head, Blanket urged Darren to stop exploiting special-needs people, and instead make films to help them. Darren was inspired to develop two new ideas: Retarded Flower Girl and Retarded Driving Instructor.
That night, Commander Blanket had an even more disturbing, inexplicable nightmare involving a naked Blue Man (not to be confused with Blue Man Group or Dr. Shika).
Cody and Darren talked shop about the station’s engines. Darren tried his newly-learned seduction techniques on Cody.
DARREN: “There’s three types of girls in this world. There’s fine-looking girls, there’s finer-looking girls, and, well, there’s the finest-looking girl!”
The McMurder brothers waited to ambush Commander Blanket on the bridge. Ensign Boggess entered and was immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Blanket arrived and found the crewman murdered, just like in his nightmare. As Dwayne spun the station’s steering wheel out of control, Ensign Armit entered and was (you guessed it) immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Commander Blanket told the brothers that the station wasn’t even orbiting Earth anymore, but had arrived at Pleasure-9.
BLANKET: “If you love evil, you’ll love a planet full of women.”
As Jacob cradled Scoopella, Armageddon Uno came in, still holding a grudge. Armageddon’s anger subsided when he saw the baby. Jacob gave Armageddon a Bible Bar (“Based on a recipe from Deuteronomy 8:8”) to celebrate the birth. After taking a bite, Armageddon quickly “fed” his chewed-up mouthful to Scoopella.
Commander Blanket held a staff meeting, while Jacob handed out Bible Bars to everybody. (The Commander gave his own bar to Darren as part of his “training.”) From their hiding spot behind the computer, the McMurder brothers saw Darren flirting with Cody. Blanket informed everybody about the dangerous mission to Pleasure-9, explaining that the away team would consist of the McMurders and Darren Johnson—the most expendable people on board. As Cody pleaded for Dwayne to stay safely on board, a fight broke out between Dwayne and Darren. Altair tried to intervene, but his dough-hands were useless. Heinous McMurder brought the fight to an end by stabbing Darren.
TO BE CONTINUED…
As the station approached Pleasure-9, Commander James T. Blanket was having nightmares about the crew dying horribly on the planet.
Edwina & Jacob held the newborn Scoopella. Edwina warned Jacob that her half-android nature would cause the baby to grow up very quickly. When Jacob mentioned that he’d be raising Scoopella in the Amish tradition, Edwina was upset that he hadn’t included her in such an important decision. She told Jacob that, whatever the actual parentage may be, they had to think of her as THEIR daughter.
Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) held Armageddon Uno prisoner, forcing him to watch reruns of “Golden Girls.” Releasing Armageddon from the force field, Dwayne admitted that his heart hadn’t been in his evil plans since falling in love with Armageddon’s sister Cody Gage.
DWAYNE: “There’s a certain purity about her…that stoned naiveté…”
Armageddon offered to swear a blood oath with Dwayne, promising that he wouldn’t give Dwayne away if Dwayne would look after Cody. Dwayne agreed, on the condition that Armageddon take a blood test first.
Cody was explaining her duties to Dwayne’s twin brother Heinous McMurder. The conversation turned to Cody’s engagement to Dwayne/Angus, and Heinous revealed that the last girl Angus had been engaged to had broken his heart. Cody gave a more-than-usually incoherent reply involving Dr. Laura, but the gist of it was that she would never do that to Dwayne. Cody and Heinous hugged, despite Heinous’ difficulty expressing himself non-violently.
Commander Blanket met Darren Johnson, the winner of a radio contest to visit the space station. Blanket suddenly realized that he didn’t need to risk his crew’s lives on Pleasure-9 when he could sacrifice an innocent civilian instead. He offered to put Darren through a rigorous training montage.
Wracked with guilt over killing Scoop, Altair-9000 had replaced his hands with dough-filled oven mitts to make sure he couldn’t hurt anyone again. Dr. Shika talked with Altair about his grief, then gave the robot a copy of Judy Blume’s “Super Fudge” to help him with these difficult feelings.
Darren Johnson’s training montage began.
Cody and Edwina went over the plans for Edwina’s wedding to Jacob. When Cody started crying about wanting a wedding of her own, Edwina assured her that “happiness begets happiness,” and her own wedding might just follow. Cody told Edwina about her fiancé, but her description was so garbled that Edwina didn’t realize she was talking about Dwayne Tomagachi. Cody sang a peppy upbeat song about her relationship.
The training montage concluded.
BLANKET: “All right! You’ve learned how to attract, kiss, seduce, push aside, kill, and seduce women.”
Darren confessed that he’d never had much time for women due to his work as producer of the horror movies Retarded Death-Stalkers I through III. As the atonal screams of the people of Retardo-Montalban 6 echoed through his head, Blanket urged Darren to stop exploiting special-needs people, and instead make films to help them. Darren was inspired to develop two new ideas: Retarded Flower Girl and Retarded Driving Instructor.
That night, Commander Blanket had an even more disturbing, inexplicable nightmare involving a naked Blue Man (not to be confused with Blue Man Group or Dr. Shika).
Cody and Darren talked shop about the station’s engines. Darren tried his newly-learned seduction techniques on Cody.
DARREN: “There’s three types of girls in this world. There’s fine-looking girls, there’s finer-looking girls, and, well, there’s the finest-looking girl!”
The McMurder brothers waited to ambush Commander Blanket on the bridge. Ensign Boggess entered and was immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Blanket arrived and found the crewman murdered, just like in his nightmare. As Dwayne spun the station’s steering wheel out of control, Ensign Armit entered and was (you guessed it) immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Commander Blanket told the brothers that the station wasn’t even orbiting Earth anymore, but had arrived at Pleasure-9.
BLANKET: “If you love evil, you’ll love a planet full of women.”
As Jacob cradled Scoopella, Armageddon Uno came in, still holding a grudge. Armageddon’s anger subsided when he saw the baby. Jacob gave Armageddon a Bible Bar (“Based on a recipe from Deuteronomy 8:8”) to celebrate the birth. After taking a bite, Armageddon quickly “fed” his chewed-up mouthful to Scoopella.
Commander Blanket held a staff meeting, while Jacob handed out Bible Bars to everybody. (The Commander gave his own bar to Darren as part of his “training.”) From their hiding spot behind the computer, the McMurder brothers saw Darren flirting with Cody. Blanket informed everybody about the dangerous mission to Pleasure-9, explaining that the away team would consist of the McMurders and Darren Johnson—the most expendable people on board. As Cody pleaded for Dwayne to stay safely on board, a fight broke out between Dwayne and Darren. Altair tried to intervene, but his dough-hands were useless. Heinous McMurder brought the fight to an end by stabbing Darren.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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