The final episode of Season 5!
Episode 28: How the West Was Done
Brigham Young and Jesus Christ were playing horseshoes. Brigham confided that, since his old feelings for Red Clay had returned, he had begun to doubt his divine mission to found the Mormons. Jesus replied that, now that the Mormons were up and running, Brigham’s mission was complete and he was now free to follow his own path.
BRIGHAM: “So my obligation to God is done? I can be an old silly gay man here in Atlanta?”
JESUS: “There’s no better place to be an old silly gay man!”
Red Clay communed with his Chipapoo ancestors by the campfire. Red Clay explained that he was torn between his feelings for Brigham and his feelings for Constance. The spirits explained that Red Clay was “bi-curious.” Since Red Clay had both the teats of a woman and the man-root of a man, the spirits ordered him to make a choice and chop off one or the other with his tomahawk. Red Clay protested that the situation was not that simple…he wanted to love Constance as a woman, and Brigham as a man. (“Red Clay DOUBLE-gay!”) The spirits informed him that, if this is the path he must follow, they could not accompany him.
Roswell Diabolicus was playing with a few of his indestructible babies when Constance arrived. Despite their invulnerability, Constance was concerned with the way Roswell was treating them. She offered to bring them up as invincible good people. Just to get her out of the castle, Roswell agreed to let her raise two of the children her way, knowing that two indestructible good babies would be no match for his army of indestructible evil babies.
At the schoolhouse, Will McGotnuthin finished up his lesson about zebras. He then realized that he’d taught the children everything in the encyclopedia, so there was nothing left to teach them. Realizing that they now knew everything, the kids ran out, singing “School’s Out!” Madeline arrived, surprised to find Will back in town. He told her that he’d come back for her. He apologized for leaving town before, but explained that his sisters would have killed Madeline if he’d stayed.
MADELINE: “Really, Will, you think I couldn’t defend myself against three actresses?”
WILL: “It does sound kind of silly in retrospect.”
Will explained his desperation by telling Madeline the origin of his family name…they were called “McGotnuthin” because they had nothing…they were poor and Scottish. Will asked Madeline to be his committed life partner. Because he was a progressive kind of guy, he would never ask Madeline to take his name…instead, he offered to combine their names into “McGot-Clementine.” Madeline joyfully accepted, and told Will that he did indeed “got Clementine.”
Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean were hauling a deer carcass off the road, as Jean bragged that the baby army would soon be littering the streets with many more carcasses. Ass took a stand against Jean’s plans, and they sang a duet titled “You’re Either With Trapper Jean or Against Him.” When the song ended, Jean tried to persuade Ass to join him. Jean explained that they could rule together once the babies had done all the dirty work. There was no danger of the babies themselves taking over, since they had been genetically programmed with only a one-year lifespan.
JEAN: “They are replicants!”
ASS: “I’m sure that’s referrin’ to somethin’ I don’t know about.”
Red Clay took Constance to the general store, where he explained that he’d read that certain types of weed-killer can turn frogs into hermaphrodites. With that, Red Clay drank the weed-killer, so that he could become both male and female and satisfy both his lovers.
CONSTANCE: “Red Clay, I liked you the way you were!”
RED CLAY: “Oops.”
Will McGotnuthin paid a visit to Brigham Young’s new residence, the Casa de la Leisure. Brigham apologized for returning to Little One Point after promising to leave for good. They realized that they had to work together once again to fight the army of indestructible evil babies, but then Brigham would REALLY leave this time.
Roswell Diabolicus and Trapper Jean proudly surveyed the carnage their army had wrought. Roswell informed Jean that this may have been his last evil deed. Roswell was about to have a final showdown with his brother, Jesus Christ. If Roswell didn’t survive, he wanted Jean to build a monument of evil in his name…a Gap or a Wal-Mart, perhaps. Jean suggested a Starbucks as the ultimate shrine of evil.
Will McGotnuthin and Madeline Clementine prepared for their commitment ceremony. Will explained that they would seal their relationship with a blood oath. They each cut their palms and clasped hands, then sang “Joined by the Hemoglobin”…their first duet as Will and Madeline McGot-Clementine.
Red Clay went to the Casa de la Leisure, and informed Brigham that he had made a decision. Now that he was a hermaphrodite, he suggested a three-way marriage between Brigham, Red Clay, and Constance. Brigham stunned Red Clay by refusing. Brigham explained that he had divorced all 27 of his wives by sending a telegraph to Utah. Just as Brigham had forsaken all others, he needed Red Clay to be equally monogamous.
Roswell Diabolicus and Jesus Christ faced off for their showdown. They would have a duel of waters, with Jesus armed with Holy Water and Roswell armed with Unholy Water (also known as Coca-Cola). They would swig a mouthful of their respective weapons, take ten paces, turn, and spit. Before they began, Jesus apologized for not being a better brother to Roswell. Roswell appeared touched that Jesus showed compassion for him, and always looked for the good in even the most evil man…then Roswell started ranting about how much he HATED that goodness! As Roswell raved, Jesus suddenly spit a mouthful of Holy Water at Roswell. Roswell melted, leaving only his hat and beard in a heap on the ground. With Roswell defeated, Jesus called the army of indestructible babies. Jesus pulled out the Chipapoo kazoo (the instrument for which Red Clay’s people had traded their land) and called for the babies to follow him out to the sea. Jesus started playing “The Rose” as he led the army out of Little One Point.
Five years later, Brigham Young and Red Clay reflected on their turmoil-filled past, and the peaceful, happy family existence they now led.
BRIGHAM: “I’ve fathered 111 children with my 27 wives, but I never liked any of them. These I had with you…A-OK.”
As the sun set on Little One Point, Ass Masterson left us all with one final piece of wisdom. Damned if I could figure it out, though.
THE END
Showing posts with label diabolicus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diabolicus. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Season 5, Episode 27: Look! Up in the Sky!
Episode 27: Look! Up in the Sky!
Constance Snell turned the keys to Jed’s Saloon over to Red Clay, since she would be too busy with her new duties as mayor to run the bar. Red Clay apologized for stealing the bar away from her while he was in his guise as Titsy McJugpuddles. They had an awkward discussion about the attraction between Constance and “Titsy,” and now neither one of them was sure of their sexuality. On top of that, Red Clay informed Constance that he had gone to retrieve the treaty granting him ownership of Little One Point, but found a rude note in its place. He asked Constance to help him get the treaty back. Constance was uncertain until Red Clay made up her mind by shoving his breasts in her face.
Ass Masterson was teaching the class about the first man to climb Mt. Everest, although the lesson was disrupted by one kid’s protests about the teacher’s seatless pants. Suddenly, Will McGotnuthin returned, and the children were delighted to see their old teacher. Ass was equally overjoyed, because he’d fallen in love with Will during the McGotnuthin family’s rape & robbing spree. Will protested that the rape was just a standard part of the family’s MO, and that there wasn’t any emotional factor involved. Will then explained that they couldn’t have a future together because Will loved Ass’ sister Madeline. Ass agreed not to come between them, and took comfort in the fact that perhaps their relationship will answer his prayer to become an uncle.
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was contemplating his evil plans. (“Now that there are only two episodes left, it’s time for me to actually start DOING something!”) With Trapper Jean at his side, Roswell addressed the people of Little One Point using a giant megaphone. He informed the populace that he had fired the Rhode Island Cannon into the air, and that if his demands weren’t met, the Rhode Island-sized cannonball would come straight down upon the town in one hour. When someone asked how he would stop the cannonball if his demands WERE met, Roswell irritably explained that he would fire the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island cannonball to deflect the original shot. The evil duo then issued their terms: Constance must turn over the mayoral office to Trapper Jean, Jesus Christ must be handed over to Roswell, and the indestructible baby must be given to Jean.
Unaware of the evil goings-on, Jesus Christ and Brigham Young were organizing a bake sale. Brigham wondered whether he should get back in touch with his ex-lover Red Clay, and Jesus explained the “three days” rule of calling back. Jesus then lectured Brigham about his reckless handling of the baby (“He’s indestructible, but he still needs love!”). Suddenly, the Rhode Island cannonball blocked out the sun, and Jesus and Brigham speculated about the cause of the mysterious sudden darkness.
BRIGHAM: “There’s only one person who could do this…your brother.”
JESUS: “I have a brother?!”
Desperate to hang on to her power, Constance tried to swap clothes with Ass Masterson to fool Trapper Jean. Ass refused to participate in the foolish plan, and told Constance that if her office truly meant anything to her, she would do what was best for the town by surrendering her mayoral sash. (“This piece of paper isn’t your dream. Your dream is your dream. Dream it!”) Constance called out to Roswell that she was giving in to his demands, but she had one piece of legislation to enact before she leaves office. With that, she outlawed the Rhode Island Cannon. Roswell simply replied that now he wouldn’t be able to deflect the cannonball, but Ass protested that she HADN’T outlawed the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island Cannon.
Despite the impending doom, Brigham Young took a nap with the baby in his arms. Trapper Jean sneaked in and stole the baby, leaving a bobcat in Brigham’s arms. Brigham woke up, but Jean started singing a lullaby to him. Brigham warned Jean that only death would keep him from hunting Jean down to reclaim his son. Then Brigham fell asleep.
JEAN: “Aw, look at him…so sweet…so innocent. If I was smart, I’d shoot him in the face right now. But I scored low on my SAT’s.”
Constance held a meeting with Will McGotnuthin and Ass Masterson, trying to figure out how to foil Roswell’s plans. She realized that the only skill she had to use against them was whoring.
WILL: “Are you suggesting you go up there and sex him into submission?”
Red Clay stopped by the general store to buy moccasins, and found Brigham Young working at his old job. Brigham explained that his baby was missing, and apologized for sleeping with so many women during their separation. Brigham and Red Clay sang a tender ballad of forgiveness, then resolved to work together to retrieve Brigham’s baby.
Jesus Christ went to Castle Gayskull to meet his long-lost brother. Roswell invited Jesus in, then strapped him down to the seat. Roswell explained his life story…15 years after Jesus’ birth, Mary had a second child with her husband Joseph. The sickly infant hermaphrodite had no way of living up to his messianic half-brother, and grew up unwanted and abandoned. However, the residual divine power in his DNA made him immortal and indestructible. Jealous of Jesus, Roswell disguised himself as a Roman soldier…yes, Roswell was the one who stabbed Jesus with a spear upon the cross. Over the centuries, Roswell tried to ruin Jesus’ reputation by committing evil in his name. The Crusades? Roswell’s idea. And now, the time had come for Roswell’s greatest plan. Roswell explained that Jesus bore the words “Love” and “Love” upon his buttocks, while Roswell’s read “Hate-Hate.” Now, centuries of cross-breeding have produced indestructible beings with “Love-Hate” on their asses…the half-good, half-evil super-babies who will form Roswell’s army. Jesus questioned the usefulness of an army of morally conflicted, neutral warriors, but Roswell explained that his influence will overcome their good side. Having heard enough of Roswell’s evil plans, Jesus burst free from his bonds…and was shot repeatedly by Trapper Jean.
JEAN: “Well, we’re goin’ to Hell NOW!”
Constance and Brigham met up on the way to Castle Gayskull, and they decided to launch their attacks together. When they arrived, Roswell showed them another element of his plan…he had once again stolen Constance’s original fantastic vagina, and was using it to produce baby after baby after baby. Roswell informed them that Brigham’s son was in the “child accelerator” in the other room, and would soon emerge, grown to adulthood in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, Jesus’ voice whispered to Brigham, instructing Brigham to place Jesus’ body in the accelerator and set it to age him three days. Constance strapped Roswell and Jean into their chairs, enabling Brigham to carry out Jesus’ plan. Jesus emerged from the accelerator more powerful than ever, then flew off into the sky and destroyed the Rhode Island Cannonball.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Constance Snell turned the keys to Jed’s Saloon over to Red Clay, since she would be too busy with her new duties as mayor to run the bar. Red Clay apologized for stealing the bar away from her while he was in his guise as Titsy McJugpuddles. They had an awkward discussion about the attraction between Constance and “Titsy,” and now neither one of them was sure of their sexuality. On top of that, Red Clay informed Constance that he had gone to retrieve the treaty granting him ownership of Little One Point, but found a rude note in its place. He asked Constance to help him get the treaty back. Constance was uncertain until Red Clay made up her mind by shoving his breasts in her face.
Ass Masterson was teaching the class about the first man to climb Mt. Everest, although the lesson was disrupted by one kid’s protests about the teacher’s seatless pants. Suddenly, Will McGotnuthin returned, and the children were delighted to see their old teacher. Ass was equally overjoyed, because he’d fallen in love with Will during the McGotnuthin family’s rape & robbing spree. Will protested that the rape was just a standard part of the family’s MO, and that there wasn’t any emotional factor involved. Will then explained that they couldn’t have a future together because Will loved Ass’ sister Madeline. Ass agreed not to come between them, and took comfort in the fact that perhaps their relationship will answer his prayer to become an uncle.
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was contemplating his evil plans. (“Now that there are only two episodes left, it’s time for me to actually start DOING something!”) With Trapper Jean at his side, Roswell addressed the people of Little One Point using a giant megaphone. He informed the populace that he had fired the Rhode Island Cannon into the air, and that if his demands weren’t met, the Rhode Island-sized cannonball would come straight down upon the town in one hour. When someone asked how he would stop the cannonball if his demands WERE met, Roswell irritably explained that he would fire the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island cannonball to deflect the original shot. The evil duo then issued their terms: Constance must turn over the mayoral office to Trapper Jean, Jesus Christ must be handed over to Roswell, and the indestructible baby must be given to Jean.
Unaware of the evil goings-on, Jesus Christ and Brigham Young were organizing a bake sale. Brigham wondered whether he should get back in touch with his ex-lover Red Clay, and Jesus explained the “three days” rule of calling back. Jesus then lectured Brigham about his reckless handling of the baby (“He’s indestructible, but he still needs love!”). Suddenly, the Rhode Island cannonball blocked out the sun, and Jesus and Brigham speculated about the cause of the mysterious sudden darkness.
BRIGHAM: “There’s only one person who could do this…your brother.”
JESUS: “I have a brother?!”
Desperate to hang on to her power, Constance tried to swap clothes with Ass Masterson to fool Trapper Jean. Ass refused to participate in the foolish plan, and told Constance that if her office truly meant anything to her, she would do what was best for the town by surrendering her mayoral sash. (“This piece of paper isn’t your dream. Your dream is your dream. Dream it!”) Constance called out to Roswell that she was giving in to his demands, but she had one piece of legislation to enact before she leaves office. With that, she outlawed the Rhode Island Cannon. Roswell simply replied that now he wouldn’t be able to deflect the cannonball, but Ass protested that she HADN’T outlawed the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island Cannon.
Despite the impending doom, Brigham Young took a nap with the baby in his arms. Trapper Jean sneaked in and stole the baby, leaving a bobcat in Brigham’s arms. Brigham woke up, but Jean started singing a lullaby to him. Brigham warned Jean that only death would keep him from hunting Jean down to reclaim his son. Then Brigham fell asleep.
JEAN: “Aw, look at him…so sweet…so innocent. If I was smart, I’d shoot him in the face right now. But I scored low on my SAT’s.”
Constance held a meeting with Will McGotnuthin and Ass Masterson, trying to figure out how to foil Roswell’s plans. She realized that the only skill she had to use against them was whoring.
WILL: “Are you suggesting you go up there and sex him into submission?”
Red Clay stopped by the general store to buy moccasins, and found Brigham Young working at his old job. Brigham explained that his baby was missing, and apologized for sleeping with so many women during their separation. Brigham and Red Clay sang a tender ballad of forgiveness, then resolved to work together to retrieve Brigham’s baby.
Jesus Christ went to Castle Gayskull to meet his long-lost brother. Roswell invited Jesus in, then strapped him down to the seat. Roswell explained his life story…15 years after Jesus’ birth, Mary had a second child with her husband Joseph. The sickly infant hermaphrodite had no way of living up to his messianic half-brother, and grew up unwanted and abandoned. However, the residual divine power in his DNA made him immortal and indestructible. Jealous of Jesus, Roswell disguised himself as a Roman soldier…yes, Roswell was the one who stabbed Jesus with a spear upon the cross. Over the centuries, Roswell tried to ruin Jesus’ reputation by committing evil in his name. The Crusades? Roswell’s idea. And now, the time had come for Roswell’s greatest plan. Roswell explained that Jesus bore the words “Love” and “Love” upon his buttocks, while Roswell’s read “Hate-Hate.” Now, centuries of cross-breeding have produced indestructible beings with “Love-Hate” on their asses…the half-good, half-evil super-babies who will form Roswell’s army. Jesus questioned the usefulness of an army of morally conflicted, neutral warriors, but Roswell explained that his influence will overcome their good side. Having heard enough of Roswell’s evil plans, Jesus burst free from his bonds…and was shot repeatedly by Trapper Jean.
JEAN: “Well, we’re goin’ to Hell NOW!”
Constance and Brigham met up on the way to Castle Gayskull, and they decided to launch their attacks together. When they arrived, Roswell showed them another element of his plan…he had once again stolen Constance’s original fantastic vagina, and was using it to produce baby after baby after baby. Roswell informed them that Brigham’s son was in the “child accelerator” in the other room, and would soon emerge, grown to adulthood in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, Jesus’ voice whispered to Brigham, instructing Brigham to place Jesus’ body in the accelerator and set it to age him three days. Constance strapped Roswell and Jean into their chairs, enabling Brigham to carry out Jesus’ plan. Jesus emerged from the accelerator more powerful than ever, then flew off into the sky and destroyed the Rhode Island Cannonball.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, December 22, 2008
Season 5, Episode 26: The Wedding Package
Episode 26: The Wedding Package
Brigham Young and Titsy McJugpuddles were opening the presents at their wedding shower. As his present, Jesus Christ used his brand-new magic lasso (part of the new powers he’d gained when he came back at Easter) to make them reveal their true feelings for each other.
TITSY: “Well, I don’t really know you that well, but you seem kind of sweet, and you give me nice things.”
BRIGHAM: “It IS love!”
Brigham then gave Titsy a gaudily-jeweled broach. Under the lasso’s power, Titsy confessed that she didn’t like the broach, but accepted it as a symbol of Brigham’s love.
Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory at the general store when the newly-elected Mayor Constance Snell arrived with a proposal. Since Roswell is such a brilliant scientist, she wanted him to be the town’s doctor. When Roswell expressed uncertainty, Constance clarified that it wasn’t an offer, but an order. She informed Roswell that if he refused, she would run him out of town, take over Castle Gayskull, and redecorate.
Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean threw a bachelor party for Brigham Young. Titsy, being the only exotic dancer in town, was the entertainment, but Brigham couldn’t watch because it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. Brigham told Titsy that he didn’t want her to dance for other men anymore. She agreed to let Brigham be her sole customer.
BRIGHAM: “From now on, you’ll only take off your clothes for me…and maybe the neighbors if we’re feeling kinky.”
Madeline Clementine was sitting by the campfire, lamenting her fate of being “always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” Jesus Christ came by, pushing his invisible stagecoach (another of his new gifts). Jesus healed her wounded foot (where she had been shot by Roswell Diabolicus), but explained that she had to heal her emotional wounds herself. Jesus assured her that Will would come to his senses, escape his sisters’ evil clutches, and return to her. Madeline decided that she couldn’t wait that long, and resolved to find Will and shake some wise-up into him.
Constance and Madeline threw a bachelorette party for Titsy, with Madeline’s brother Ass Masterson working as the stripper. As Ass did a lap-dance for Titsy, Constance protested about the lewdness. Madeline told the mayor that she was off the clock and needed to loosen up. They sat Constance down so Ass could give her a lap-dance.
The next day, the big moment arrived. The wedding began, with Jesus Christ performing the ceremony. When Jesus asked “If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace,” the bride surprised everybody by raising her hand. Titsy explained that she and Brigham were, in fact, already married. With that, Titsy removed her wig and revealed her true identity…Brigham’s long-believed-dead gay lover Red Clay!
Later, Red Clay sat by the campfire to commune with his ancestral spirits. He had abandoned his disguise and returned to his traditional Chipapoo garb (though he still had the enormous breasts). Red Clay explained that, when he was shot, he didn’t die, but went into a coma. He woke up shortly afterwards and devised a new plan to get his people’s land back. He went to New York, where he perfected his disguise by studying diction, dance, and acting (also landing a part in “The Fantasticks”). He then went to Amsterdam to get his new boobs, but had now returned to reclaim Little One Point.
Trapper Jean was handing over the mayor’s office to Constance, showing her where everything was (including the secret stash of booze). Constance thanked Jean, and offered him a job repairing the wagon-wheel ruts in the road. Jean warned her that being mayor is a difficult job, and that she’d have to tell people things they don’t want to hear. As an example, they decided to enact prohibition, starting with their own secret stash. They drank a toast to prohibition…or, rather, Jean drank while Constance watched. Jean started feeling dizzy, then collapsed into a chair. He realized that Constance had found the stash already and drugged it. Constance took Jean’s gun and ordered him to be her little French slave.
Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine were discussing Red Clay’s unexpected return. Even though Brigham had shattered Madeline’s heart into millions of pieces (“a fine powder of heart”), she still sympathized with his dilemma. Brigham confessed that Red Clay’s return had filled him with doubt about his mission. Madeline pointed out that his mission had brought him great wisdom, pointing out how dumb Brigham used to be.
BRIGHAM: “I was dumb…like poop in a bucket.”
MADELINE: “Exactly! You were so dumb, you used to say things like that!”
Madeline sang a song of encouragement to Brigham, and he joined in.
Ass Masterson delivered a package to Castle Gayskull. Roswell informed Ass that the package pertained to him. After explaining that both Ass and the baby owed their invulnerability to their relation to Jesus Christ through Roswell (who, you may remember, was recently revealed to be Jesus’ brother). Roswell showed Ass the contents of the package…a letter revealing the existence of Ass’ long-lost twin brother, a cowboy who wears his pants with the front cut out…Sack Masterson!
In Will’s absence, Jesus was teaching the children from the Book of Knowledge. Red Clay entered, and Jesus explained to the children how the white man had mistreated Red Clay’s people. Red Clay was touched by Jesus’ knowledge and sympathy. After Jesus dismissed the class, Red Clay explained that he needed to get his people’s land back, but knew no other path than that of bloodshed. Jesus suggested that Red Clay could turn the land into an outdoor theater to re-enact the history of the Chipapoo tribe, using poorly-paid white actors…the perfect way of educating the white man AND getting revenge on them at the same time!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Brigham Young and Titsy McJugpuddles were opening the presents at their wedding shower. As his present, Jesus Christ used his brand-new magic lasso (part of the new powers he’d gained when he came back at Easter) to make them reveal their true feelings for each other.
TITSY: “Well, I don’t really know you that well, but you seem kind of sweet, and you give me nice things.”
BRIGHAM: “It IS love!”
Brigham then gave Titsy a gaudily-jeweled broach. Under the lasso’s power, Titsy confessed that she didn’t like the broach, but accepted it as a symbol of Brigham’s love.
Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory at the general store when the newly-elected Mayor Constance Snell arrived with a proposal. Since Roswell is such a brilliant scientist, she wanted him to be the town’s doctor. When Roswell expressed uncertainty, Constance clarified that it wasn’t an offer, but an order. She informed Roswell that if he refused, she would run him out of town, take over Castle Gayskull, and redecorate.
Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean threw a bachelor party for Brigham Young. Titsy, being the only exotic dancer in town, was the entertainment, but Brigham couldn’t watch because it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. Brigham told Titsy that he didn’t want her to dance for other men anymore. She agreed to let Brigham be her sole customer.
BRIGHAM: “From now on, you’ll only take off your clothes for me…and maybe the neighbors if we’re feeling kinky.”
Madeline Clementine was sitting by the campfire, lamenting her fate of being “always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” Jesus Christ came by, pushing his invisible stagecoach (another of his new gifts). Jesus healed her wounded foot (where she had been shot by Roswell Diabolicus), but explained that she had to heal her emotional wounds herself. Jesus assured her that Will would come to his senses, escape his sisters’ evil clutches, and return to her. Madeline decided that she couldn’t wait that long, and resolved to find Will and shake some wise-up into him.
Constance and Madeline threw a bachelorette party for Titsy, with Madeline’s brother Ass Masterson working as the stripper. As Ass did a lap-dance for Titsy, Constance protested about the lewdness. Madeline told the mayor that she was off the clock and needed to loosen up. They sat Constance down so Ass could give her a lap-dance.
The next day, the big moment arrived. The wedding began, with Jesus Christ performing the ceremony. When Jesus asked “If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace,” the bride surprised everybody by raising her hand. Titsy explained that she and Brigham were, in fact, already married. With that, Titsy removed her wig and revealed her true identity…Brigham’s long-believed-dead gay lover Red Clay!
Later, Red Clay sat by the campfire to commune with his ancestral spirits. He had abandoned his disguise and returned to his traditional Chipapoo garb (though he still had the enormous breasts). Red Clay explained that, when he was shot, he didn’t die, but went into a coma. He woke up shortly afterwards and devised a new plan to get his people’s land back. He went to New York, where he perfected his disguise by studying diction, dance, and acting (also landing a part in “The Fantasticks”). He then went to Amsterdam to get his new boobs, but had now returned to reclaim Little One Point.
Trapper Jean was handing over the mayor’s office to Constance, showing her where everything was (including the secret stash of booze). Constance thanked Jean, and offered him a job repairing the wagon-wheel ruts in the road. Jean warned her that being mayor is a difficult job, and that she’d have to tell people things they don’t want to hear. As an example, they decided to enact prohibition, starting with their own secret stash. They drank a toast to prohibition…or, rather, Jean drank while Constance watched. Jean started feeling dizzy, then collapsed into a chair. He realized that Constance had found the stash already and drugged it. Constance took Jean’s gun and ordered him to be her little French slave.
Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine were discussing Red Clay’s unexpected return. Even though Brigham had shattered Madeline’s heart into millions of pieces (“a fine powder of heart”), she still sympathized with his dilemma. Brigham confessed that Red Clay’s return had filled him with doubt about his mission. Madeline pointed out that his mission had brought him great wisdom, pointing out how dumb Brigham used to be.
BRIGHAM: “I was dumb…like poop in a bucket.”
MADELINE: “Exactly! You were so dumb, you used to say things like that!”
Madeline sang a song of encouragement to Brigham, and he joined in.
Ass Masterson delivered a package to Castle Gayskull. Roswell informed Ass that the package pertained to him. After explaining that both Ass and the baby owed their invulnerability to their relation to Jesus Christ through Roswell (who, you may remember, was recently revealed to be Jesus’ brother). Roswell showed Ass the contents of the package…a letter revealing the existence of Ass’ long-lost twin brother, a cowboy who wears his pants with the front cut out…Sack Masterson!
In Will’s absence, Jesus was teaching the children from the Book of Knowledge. Red Clay entered, and Jesus explained to the children how the white man had mistreated Red Clay’s people. Red Clay was touched by Jesus’ knowledge and sympathy. After Jesus dismissed the class, Red Clay explained that he needed to get his people’s land back, but knew no other path than that of bloodshed. Jesus suggested that Red Clay could turn the land into an outdoor theater to re-enact the history of the Chipapoo tribe, using poorly-paid white actors…the perfect way of educating the white man AND getting revenge on them at the same time!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Season 5, Episode 25: The Long Good Friday
Episode 25: The Long Good Friday
Since Will McGotnuthin had left town with his sisters, Constance Snell was teaching the class about Good Friday (despite her own lack of education). Titsy McJugpuddles entered and panicked at the sight of Constance (remembering their vicious catfight from Episode 22). Constance was surprised that Titsy was still going on about that incident. Constance explained that she had found Jesus, let go of the past, and forgiven Titsy for stealing the bar.
TITSY: “So what you’re saying is, you forgive me for repeatedly mashing my face into your fists?”
Titsy eventually forgave Constance, and they hugged. The embrace went on longer than was comfortable.
Brigham Young returned from Utah and paid a visit to the general store. Jesus Christ emerged from the restroom and was surprised by how much Brigham had changed. For Brigham, 40 years had passed, while only a few weeks had gone by in Little One Point. Jesus told Brigham that He needed to hide, because bad things always happen to Him on Good Friday. Brigham offered to help Jesus hide (“I have 27 wives. No one knows more about disguises than me”), if Jesus would help Brigham get his son back.
Trapper Jean was lounging around, forcing the mind-controlled Roswell Diabolicus to wait on him hand and foot. Jean ordered Roswell to change the baby’s diapers, but Roswell did such a bad job that Jean decided to do it himself. As he undressed the baby, he discovered the words “Love” and “Hate” written on the baby’s bottom.
Madeline Clementine and her brother, Ass Masterson, were still recuperating from the shock of the McGotnuthin sisters robbing them and raping Ass. Madeline told Ass that she needed his help reclaiming her badge from Roswell Diabolicus. Ass was somewhat distracted because he felt naked without his hat.
Jesus Christ paid a visit to Constance Snell, who has distraught over the strange feelings she’d developed when Titsy hugged her. She thought that perhaps becoming mayor would keep her too busy for these homosexual urges. Jesus told her that He didn’t object to anybody being gay, as long as they had love and not just lust in their hearts. He also offered to help her throw a campaign fund-raiser, supplying wine, loaves and fishes for refreshments.
Brigham Young went to the bar and met Titsy McJugpuddles. He asked Titsy to help him spread the word of Mormonism by using her feminine charms to lure converts. Titsy feared that she wouldn’t be accepted, but Brigham urged her to follow her heart. Brigham balanced a Bible on Titsy’s breasts, and she was amazed by how right it felt.
Constance and Trapper Jean held a debate at City Hall. Constance told the voters that Little One Point needed a mayor who knows the city, speaks the language, and didn’t kill the previous mayor. Trapper Jean reminded everybody that, as far as they knew, Hop Hop simply left town. He then argued that Constance shouldn’t be mayor because she’s a woman, and women can’t even vote. Constance turned the all-male voter pool to her advantage by promising free blowjobs if she’s elected.
Having been brought up on her family history, the amnesiac Madeline paid a visit to her biological father, Roswell Diabolicus. As they conversed, Madeline snatched the badge away from him. As she congratulated herself on her feat, Roswell shot her in the foot.
Brigham and Titsy were having a conversation over ice cream. She confessed that “Titsy McJugpuddles” was a stage name, and that her real name was Irina Perogies. He asked her if she’d thought about a future beyond her fan-dancing days, and she remembered the decrepit old women she’s seen in the old fan-dancers’ home. Brigham assured her that she didn’t have to end up like that, then proposed to her.
TITSY: “You’d want to marry a lesbian?”
BRIGHAM: “I’ve ALWAYS wanted to.”
Ass Masterson and Jesus (disguised as Little Red Riding Hood) were putting up flyers for Constance’s campaign. In the process, Ass accidentally nailed Jesus’ hand to the wall. Jesus reassured Ass that it wasn’t Ass’ fault…that this sort of thing always happens on Good Friday, and that He always comes back more powerful than before..
Constance Snell was taking a nap, with visions of Titsy dancing in her dreams. Wracked with guilt when she awoke, Constance prayed for guidance. God told her she already had all the knowledge she needed to make her decision…she just had to follow her heart.
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Brigham came back to reclaim the baby. Roswell engaged in some elaborate speculation about Brigham’s advanced age, but Brigham suggested that he not think too hard about it. Roswell handed over the baby, warning Brigham that Jean would be upset. Roswell then pointed out the baby’s “Masterson birthmark.” These words on the child’s cheeks meant that the baby was destined to display his ass proudly and be invulnerable, just as Ass Masterson went around pantsless and survived a gunfight without flinching. As Brigham took his son in his arms, he realized that Roswell had committed a good, selfless act. Brigham assured Roswell that he could repent and earn forgiveness from God. Roswell put his hand on the Bible, and Brigham and Roswell spoke in one voice to pray for salvation.
After the election, Madeline counted the ballots, with Jean looking on to assure an accurate count. In the end, the ballots came out to a tie, so Madeline polled the crowd to vote for their candidate by applause. Constance was narrowly elected, but as she began her victory speech, Jean warned her “Remember what happened to Lincoln.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Since Will McGotnuthin had left town with his sisters, Constance Snell was teaching the class about Good Friday (despite her own lack of education). Titsy McJugpuddles entered and panicked at the sight of Constance (remembering their vicious catfight from Episode 22). Constance was surprised that Titsy was still going on about that incident. Constance explained that she had found Jesus, let go of the past, and forgiven Titsy for stealing the bar.
TITSY: “So what you’re saying is, you forgive me for repeatedly mashing my face into your fists?”
Titsy eventually forgave Constance, and they hugged. The embrace went on longer than was comfortable.
Brigham Young returned from Utah and paid a visit to the general store. Jesus Christ emerged from the restroom and was surprised by how much Brigham had changed. For Brigham, 40 years had passed, while only a few weeks had gone by in Little One Point. Jesus told Brigham that He needed to hide, because bad things always happen to Him on Good Friday. Brigham offered to help Jesus hide (“I have 27 wives. No one knows more about disguises than me”), if Jesus would help Brigham get his son back.
Trapper Jean was lounging around, forcing the mind-controlled Roswell Diabolicus to wait on him hand and foot. Jean ordered Roswell to change the baby’s diapers, but Roswell did such a bad job that Jean decided to do it himself. As he undressed the baby, he discovered the words “Love” and “Hate” written on the baby’s bottom.
Madeline Clementine and her brother, Ass Masterson, were still recuperating from the shock of the McGotnuthin sisters robbing them and raping Ass. Madeline told Ass that she needed his help reclaiming her badge from Roswell Diabolicus. Ass was somewhat distracted because he felt naked without his hat.
Jesus Christ paid a visit to Constance Snell, who has distraught over the strange feelings she’d developed when Titsy hugged her. She thought that perhaps becoming mayor would keep her too busy for these homosexual urges. Jesus told her that He didn’t object to anybody being gay, as long as they had love and not just lust in their hearts. He also offered to help her throw a campaign fund-raiser, supplying wine, loaves and fishes for refreshments.
Brigham Young went to the bar and met Titsy McJugpuddles. He asked Titsy to help him spread the word of Mormonism by using her feminine charms to lure converts. Titsy feared that she wouldn’t be accepted, but Brigham urged her to follow her heart. Brigham balanced a Bible on Titsy’s breasts, and she was amazed by how right it felt.
Constance and Trapper Jean held a debate at City Hall. Constance told the voters that Little One Point needed a mayor who knows the city, speaks the language, and didn’t kill the previous mayor. Trapper Jean reminded everybody that, as far as they knew, Hop Hop simply left town. He then argued that Constance shouldn’t be mayor because she’s a woman, and women can’t even vote. Constance turned the all-male voter pool to her advantage by promising free blowjobs if she’s elected.
Having been brought up on her family history, the amnesiac Madeline paid a visit to her biological father, Roswell Diabolicus. As they conversed, Madeline snatched the badge away from him. As she congratulated herself on her feat, Roswell shot her in the foot.
Brigham and Titsy were having a conversation over ice cream. She confessed that “Titsy McJugpuddles” was a stage name, and that her real name was Irina Perogies. He asked her if she’d thought about a future beyond her fan-dancing days, and she remembered the decrepit old women she’s seen in the old fan-dancers’ home. Brigham assured her that she didn’t have to end up like that, then proposed to her.
TITSY: “You’d want to marry a lesbian?”
BRIGHAM: “I’ve ALWAYS wanted to.”
Ass Masterson and Jesus (disguised as Little Red Riding Hood) were putting up flyers for Constance’s campaign. In the process, Ass accidentally nailed Jesus’ hand to the wall. Jesus reassured Ass that it wasn’t Ass’ fault…that this sort of thing always happens on Good Friday, and that He always comes back more powerful than before..
Constance Snell was taking a nap, with visions of Titsy dancing in her dreams. Wracked with guilt when she awoke, Constance prayed for guidance. God told her she already had all the knowledge she needed to make her decision…she just had to follow her heart.
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Brigham came back to reclaim the baby. Roswell engaged in some elaborate speculation about Brigham’s advanced age, but Brigham suggested that he not think too hard about it. Roswell handed over the baby, warning Brigham that Jean would be upset. Roswell then pointed out the baby’s “Masterson birthmark.” These words on the child’s cheeks meant that the baby was destined to display his ass proudly and be invulnerable, just as Ass Masterson went around pantsless and survived a gunfight without flinching. As Brigham took his son in his arms, he realized that Roswell had committed a good, selfless act. Brigham assured Roswell that he could repent and earn forgiveness from God. Roswell put his hand on the Bible, and Brigham and Roswell spoke in one voice to pray for salvation.
After the election, Madeline counted the ballots, with Jean looking on to assure an accurate count. In the end, the ballots came out to a tie, so Madeline polled the crowd to vote for their candidate by applause. Constance was narrowly elected, but as she began her victory speech, Jean warned her “Remember what happened to Lincoln.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Season 5, Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit
Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit
Will McGotnuthin dismissed his class, telling the children that he may not be around to teach them anymore, since his sisters had come to town. As the kids left, Crab and Carnita McGotnuthin entered and confronted their brother. They lectured him about his leaving them to rot in jail…then handed him a script. Whether he liked it or not, he was joining the family Shakespeare troupe again…mainly because Crab was sick of playing all the men’s parts.
Madeline Clementine wandered on the outskirts of town. Though she was still suffering from amnesia, her horrible facial wounds had been repaired by the herbal remedies of the old Indian woman She-Heals-So-Good. Suddenly, Jesus Christ came by, riding on the Easter Bunny. They discussed her amnesia, and Madeline admitted that her loss of memory had filled her with a sense of purpose to find out both her own identity and that of her true love. Jesus explained that her amnesia was a blessing in disguise, since it had rid her of all her emotional baggage.
Constance Snell was starstruck after meeting the McGotnuthin sisters. She told them that she had done some performing of her own, and gave them a sample of her stand-up comedy act. They invited her to join their troupe.
In an attempt to add more variety to her fan-dancing act, Titsy McJugpuddles was practicing the “Who’s on First” routine with Ass Masterson. Suddenly, a mysterious masked stranger entered. He announced that he was the notorious Kissing Bandit, and that his kiss reveals the heart’s desires. He kissed Titsy, who immediately broke into song (something about becoming half-fish). The Bandit then kissed Ass Masterson, who revealed that his heart’s desire was to be an uncle (“all the joys of parenthood without all the bitching & moaning”).
In Madeline’s absence, Roswell Diabolicus had appointed himself sheriff. Mayor Trapper Jean came to his door, campaigning for re-election. Roswell noticed Jean’s new upbeat personality, but Jean feebly claimed that he was still the same old evil Jean. Roswell suggested that Jean prove his evilness by signing an affidavit confessing to killing Hop Hop. Jean refused to sign, but did admit his guilt in the presence of the baby…who, besides being invulnerable, could also record and play back anything he heard. As sheriff, Roswell arrested Trapper Jean. Knowing that no ordinary cell could hold Jean, Roswell announced that he had designed a special “Trapper Keeper.”
The McGotnuthin family and Constance were rehearsing their show. As Will and Apollonia practiced a love scene, Apollonia went off script and revealed that she truly did feel a forbidden love for her brother. Everybody in the room was freaked out by this revelation, but before they could discuss it, the Kissing Bandit entered and started kissing everyone. One by one, they revealed their deepest wishes. Crab wanted to go to New York and work with the greatest actor of all: John Wilkes Booth. Apollonia wanted to stop robbing & raping every man she met, and just settle down and rape the same man every night. Carnita wanted to stop wandering from town to town, and to establish a permanent Shakespeare festival in Atlanta. And Constance just wanted to see Carnita’s breasts pop out of her bodice.
Trapper Jean was struggling to escape from the binder that shackled his hands. (“If you think these chains can bind me…you’re pretty much correct.”) Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit arrived and kissed Jean. Jean realized that his true heart’s desire was to continue his evil ways, and that he was only fooling himself by trying to reform. Filled with a renewed sense of purpose, Jean burst free from the Trapper Keeper and swore revenge on Roswell.
Will McGotnuthin was packing up his belongings when he looked out the window and saw Madeline Clementine wandering in the street. He rushed out and hurriedly explained that the Kissing Bandit had made him realize that his heart’s desire was to be with her, but he CAN’T be with her or else his sisters would kill her, so he had to run away for her own protection. He then rushed off before Madeline could explain about her amnesia or ask him who he was.
MADELINE: “I feel a tremendous sense of loss, but its source is unclear to me.”
Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson had just finished constructing the stage for the McGotnuthins’ performance. Suddenly, Trapper Jean ran across the stage.
ASS: “Well, we know it can withstand the running of a man.”
JESUS: “But can it withstand Shakespearean acting?”
ASS: “NOTHING can withstand Shakespearean acting.”
Roswell Diabolicus was in the sheriff’s office, contemplating what he would do with his authority. He came up with a plan to arrest everybody in town, appoint himself mayor, and then secede from the Union. With Little One Point as his own sovereign nation, and with the power of the Rhode Island Cannon, Roswell would soon dominate the world. Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit rushed in and kissed Roswell (his most passionate kiss yet). Roswell realized that all his evil plans were just a cry for the attention he desired…the attention that his brother, Jesus Christ, always got. Roswell then informed the Kissing Bandit that he had one more desire… “Your brains as wallpaper!” With that, Roswell shot the Kissing Bandit.
Seeking revenge on Roswell, Trapper Jean was running to Castle Gayskull in slow-motion. He passed by Titsy’s Place and decided to stop in for a slow-motion quickie. Titsy (still in slow-motion) explained that she’d realized she preferred the intimate company of women. This only got Trapper Jean even more turned on.
Roswell Diabolicus was randomly shooting people in the street when Trapper Jean ran up at normal speed. Roswell tried to raise his gun to defend himself, but dropped it. Jean grabbed Roswell’s gun and declared that, with Roswell out of the way, now HE would carry out all of Roswell’s evil plans. Roswell pointed out that Jean probably couldn’t kill him, since he’d survived so many seemingly certain-death situations. Jean explained that he wasn’t going to kill him…he was simply going to shoot him with the mind-control bullets that Roswell himself had invented!
As the Shakespeare festival ended, the McGotnuthin sisters drew their weapons to hold up the audience. Madeline and Jesus pled with Will not to go through with it, but he couldn’t defy his sisters. After the rape & robbery were complete, the McGotnuthins made their escape with Will in tow as part of the gang again.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Will McGotnuthin dismissed his class, telling the children that he may not be around to teach them anymore, since his sisters had come to town. As the kids left, Crab and Carnita McGotnuthin entered and confronted their brother. They lectured him about his leaving them to rot in jail…then handed him a script. Whether he liked it or not, he was joining the family Shakespeare troupe again…mainly because Crab was sick of playing all the men’s parts.
Madeline Clementine wandered on the outskirts of town. Though she was still suffering from amnesia, her horrible facial wounds had been repaired by the herbal remedies of the old Indian woman She-Heals-So-Good. Suddenly, Jesus Christ came by, riding on the Easter Bunny. They discussed her amnesia, and Madeline admitted that her loss of memory had filled her with a sense of purpose to find out both her own identity and that of her true love. Jesus explained that her amnesia was a blessing in disguise, since it had rid her of all her emotional baggage.
Constance Snell was starstruck after meeting the McGotnuthin sisters. She told them that she had done some performing of her own, and gave them a sample of her stand-up comedy act. They invited her to join their troupe.
In an attempt to add more variety to her fan-dancing act, Titsy McJugpuddles was practicing the “Who’s on First” routine with Ass Masterson. Suddenly, a mysterious masked stranger entered. He announced that he was the notorious Kissing Bandit, and that his kiss reveals the heart’s desires. He kissed Titsy, who immediately broke into song (something about becoming half-fish). The Bandit then kissed Ass Masterson, who revealed that his heart’s desire was to be an uncle (“all the joys of parenthood without all the bitching & moaning”).
In Madeline’s absence, Roswell Diabolicus had appointed himself sheriff. Mayor Trapper Jean came to his door, campaigning for re-election. Roswell noticed Jean’s new upbeat personality, but Jean feebly claimed that he was still the same old evil Jean. Roswell suggested that Jean prove his evilness by signing an affidavit confessing to killing Hop Hop. Jean refused to sign, but did admit his guilt in the presence of the baby…who, besides being invulnerable, could also record and play back anything he heard. As sheriff, Roswell arrested Trapper Jean. Knowing that no ordinary cell could hold Jean, Roswell announced that he had designed a special “Trapper Keeper.”
The McGotnuthin family and Constance were rehearsing their show. As Will and Apollonia practiced a love scene, Apollonia went off script and revealed that she truly did feel a forbidden love for her brother. Everybody in the room was freaked out by this revelation, but before they could discuss it, the Kissing Bandit entered and started kissing everyone. One by one, they revealed their deepest wishes. Crab wanted to go to New York and work with the greatest actor of all: John Wilkes Booth. Apollonia wanted to stop robbing & raping every man she met, and just settle down and rape the same man every night. Carnita wanted to stop wandering from town to town, and to establish a permanent Shakespeare festival in Atlanta. And Constance just wanted to see Carnita’s breasts pop out of her bodice.
Trapper Jean was struggling to escape from the binder that shackled his hands. (“If you think these chains can bind me…you’re pretty much correct.”) Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit arrived and kissed Jean. Jean realized that his true heart’s desire was to continue his evil ways, and that he was only fooling himself by trying to reform. Filled with a renewed sense of purpose, Jean burst free from the Trapper Keeper and swore revenge on Roswell.
Will McGotnuthin was packing up his belongings when he looked out the window and saw Madeline Clementine wandering in the street. He rushed out and hurriedly explained that the Kissing Bandit had made him realize that his heart’s desire was to be with her, but he CAN’T be with her or else his sisters would kill her, so he had to run away for her own protection. He then rushed off before Madeline could explain about her amnesia or ask him who he was.
MADELINE: “I feel a tremendous sense of loss, but its source is unclear to me.”
Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson had just finished constructing the stage for the McGotnuthins’ performance. Suddenly, Trapper Jean ran across the stage.
ASS: “Well, we know it can withstand the running of a man.”
JESUS: “But can it withstand Shakespearean acting?”
ASS: “NOTHING can withstand Shakespearean acting.”
Roswell Diabolicus was in the sheriff’s office, contemplating what he would do with his authority. He came up with a plan to arrest everybody in town, appoint himself mayor, and then secede from the Union. With Little One Point as his own sovereign nation, and with the power of the Rhode Island Cannon, Roswell would soon dominate the world. Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit rushed in and kissed Roswell (his most passionate kiss yet). Roswell realized that all his evil plans were just a cry for the attention he desired…the attention that his brother, Jesus Christ, always got. Roswell then informed the Kissing Bandit that he had one more desire… “Your brains as wallpaper!” With that, Roswell shot the Kissing Bandit.
Seeking revenge on Roswell, Trapper Jean was running to Castle Gayskull in slow-motion. He passed by Titsy’s Place and decided to stop in for a slow-motion quickie. Titsy (still in slow-motion) explained that she’d realized she preferred the intimate company of women. This only got Trapper Jean even more turned on.
Roswell Diabolicus was randomly shooting people in the street when Trapper Jean ran up at normal speed. Roswell tried to raise his gun to defend himself, but dropped it. Jean grabbed Roswell’s gun and declared that, with Roswell out of the way, now HE would carry out all of Roswell’s evil plans. Roswell pointed out that Jean probably couldn’t kill him, since he’d survived so many seemingly certain-death situations. Jean explained that he wasn’t going to kill him…he was simply going to shoot him with the mind-control bullets that Roswell himself had invented!
As the Shakespeare festival ended, the McGotnuthin sisters drew their weapons to hold up the audience. Madeline and Jesus pled with Will not to go through with it, but he couldn’t defy his sisters. After the rape & robbery were complete, the McGotnuthins made their escape with Will in tow as part of the gang again.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, December 19, 2008
Season 5, Episode 23: The Georgia Shakespeare Festival
Episode 23: The Georgia Shakespeare Festival
With the election coming up, Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to persuade Will McGotnuthin to run for mayor. She assured him that his shady past with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe was a safe secret, since the only other person who knew (Brigham Young) had left town. Will was comforted by her reassurance…until he discovered a flyer announcing the arrival of the McGotnuthin Family Shaxspur Jubilee.
Titsy McJugpuddles was doing a lap-fan-dance as part of a private party for Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell stopped her, partly because he wasn’t attracted to the 6-foot Titsy, but mostly so that they could talk business. Impressed by Titsy’s ambition in taking over the saloon, Roswell wanted her to take Trapper Jean’s place as his new partner-in-crime. To seal the deal, Roswell demonstrated what a lap-dance is SUPPOSED to look like.
Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson were playing checkers, but Jesus could sense that Ass was troubled. Ass explained that he wanted to fulfill his father’s last wish by giving his dad’s lover, Roswell Diabolicus, an operation to make Roswell a complete woman. Jesus suggested that Ass would better serve his father’s memory by planting a tree in his name. Ass confessed that he didn’t know his father’s name, but simply called him “Sir.” Jesus suggested that Ass open a Christmas tree farm and name it “Sir’s Firs.”
Trapper Jean was at the bar, preparing his re-election acceptance speech, when the McGotnuthin sisters (Carnita, Apollonia, and Crab) entered. Jean couldn’t help but gawk and ogle at the beautiful sisters.
CARNITA: “My eyes are up here.”
JEAN: “Well, I am not interested in your eyes.”
After they explained about their Shakespeare festival, Jean suggested that he might sponsor it, since being a patron of the arts would help his image for the election. Carnita turned down his offer. Impressed (and aroused) by her severe manner, Jean agreed to give them the best suite in the hotel, then explained an elaborate password procedure. Crab took Carnita aside and confessed that she had misgivings about their plans to rob the audience and rape the men at the end of the show.
After a long day of baby-sitting, Madeline came to the general store to return the baby to Roswell Diabolicus’ dubious care. She noticed that Roswell had built a separate stockroom, so that the cases of dynamite would no longer have to be kept in the classroom with the children. Roswell admitted that he had developed a bit more concern for others since he started taking care of the baby. In turn, Madeline confessed that she had fallen in love with Will McGotnuthin. Roswell approved of their relationship, but urged Madeline to dissuade Will from running for mayor. He explained that the power of office would corrupt Will, and that he was only thinking of her happiness. Madeline was reluctant to accept this explanation, so Roswell switched tactics and started beating her with the baby.
Titsy McJugpuddles showed Carnita McGotnuthin to her room. Titsy was upset that the Shakespeare festival would be stealing the spotlight from her fan-dance act, and was also jealous that Carnita had attracted Trapper Jean’s attention. However, Carnita suggested that they could join forces to play Trapper Jean for all he’s worth. And to make sure the money keeps coming in, they needed to make sure Jean stays in office.
Will McGotnuthin had just finished teaching the children about llamas (“Never forget… they spit!”), when Roswell Diabolicus entered disguised as Madeline Clementine. Roswell/Madeline urged Will to drop out of the mayoral race, launching into an impassioned, twisted speech about the dangers of power. Being completely whipped, Will agreed to do as “she” said.
Meanwhile, the real Madeline regained consciousness. Ass Masterson passed by, dragging a tree behind him, when he noticed that his sister had been badly disfigured. When he asked what had happened, he discovered that Madeline was now suffering from amnesia.
Trapper Jean was explaining his mayoral campaign to Crab McGotnuthin. Crab was intrigued by the political process, explaining that in Shakespeare’s plays, power was seized by assassination. Jean replied that that was precisely what he had done, by shooting Hop Hop and declaring himself mayor. Jean asked Crab for a sample of Shakespeare, and she recited the “What a piece of work is man” speech from “Hamlet.” Moved to tears, Jean realized that he had lost touch with his own humanity, shielding himself behind his guns and pelts. Jean resolved to turn over a new leaf and run his campaign on a strong moral stand. Crab advised him not to mention his killing the former mayor.
Jesus Christ and Apollonia McGotnuthin were discussing their favorite rabbit recipes, and realized they had a lot in common. Apollonia offered Jesus a rose. When Jesus pointed out that she’d given him two roses, she broke down in embarrassment and confessed that she didn’t know how to count. Jesus taught her math, and in return, she taught him about Shakespeare. They performed the balcony scene from “Romeo & Juliet,” and Jesus went way off script. Just as they were about to kiss, Will McGotnuthin walked by and was stunned to find himself face-to-face with his twin sister once again. Will urged Apollonia to come clean about her criminal activities.
WILL: “Go on, confess to Jesus! That’s what he’s for!”
JESUS: “Hey, I’d like to think that’s not ALL I’m here for…”
Apollonia admitted that she and her sisters always rob and rape the audience after each performance. Jesus was shocked that Apollonia would do such a thing. (“I don’t even know you anymore!”) Feeling hurt and betrayed, Jesus walked away.
APOLLONIA: “Every time I meet a nice guy, THIS happens!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
With the election coming up, Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to persuade Will McGotnuthin to run for mayor. She assured him that his shady past with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe was a safe secret, since the only other person who knew (Brigham Young) had left town. Will was comforted by her reassurance…until he discovered a flyer announcing the arrival of the McGotnuthin Family Shaxspur Jubilee.Titsy McJugpuddles was doing a lap-fan-dance as part of a private party for Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell stopped her, partly because he wasn’t attracted to the 6-foot Titsy, but mostly so that they could talk business. Impressed by Titsy’s ambition in taking over the saloon, Roswell wanted her to take Trapper Jean’s place as his new partner-in-crime. To seal the deal, Roswell demonstrated what a lap-dance is SUPPOSED to look like.
Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson were playing checkers, but Jesus could sense that Ass was troubled. Ass explained that he wanted to fulfill his father’s last wish by giving his dad’s lover, Roswell Diabolicus, an operation to make Roswell a complete woman. Jesus suggested that Ass would better serve his father’s memory by planting a tree in his name. Ass confessed that he didn’t know his father’s name, but simply called him “Sir.” Jesus suggested that Ass open a Christmas tree farm and name it “Sir’s Firs.”
Trapper Jean was at the bar, preparing his re-election acceptance speech, when the McGotnuthin sisters (Carnita, Apollonia, and Crab) entered. Jean couldn’t help but gawk and ogle at the beautiful sisters.
CARNITA: “My eyes are up here.”
JEAN: “Well, I am not interested in your eyes.”
After they explained about their Shakespeare festival, Jean suggested that he might sponsor it, since being a patron of the arts would help his image for the election. Carnita turned down his offer. Impressed (and aroused) by her severe manner, Jean agreed to give them the best suite in the hotel, then explained an elaborate password procedure. Crab took Carnita aside and confessed that she had misgivings about their plans to rob the audience and rape the men at the end of the show.
After a long day of baby-sitting, Madeline came to the general store to return the baby to Roswell Diabolicus’ dubious care. She noticed that Roswell had built a separate stockroom, so that the cases of dynamite would no longer have to be kept in the classroom with the children. Roswell admitted that he had developed a bit more concern for others since he started taking care of the baby. In turn, Madeline confessed that she had fallen in love with Will McGotnuthin. Roswell approved of their relationship, but urged Madeline to dissuade Will from running for mayor. He explained that the power of office would corrupt Will, and that he was only thinking of her happiness. Madeline was reluctant to accept this explanation, so Roswell switched tactics and started beating her with the baby.
Titsy McJugpuddles showed Carnita McGotnuthin to her room. Titsy was upset that the Shakespeare festival would be stealing the spotlight from her fan-dance act, and was also jealous that Carnita had attracted Trapper Jean’s attention. However, Carnita suggested that they could join forces to play Trapper Jean for all he’s worth. And to make sure the money keeps coming in, they needed to make sure Jean stays in office.
Will McGotnuthin had just finished teaching the children about llamas (“Never forget… they spit!”), when Roswell Diabolicus entered disguised as Madeline Clementine. Roswell/Madeline urged Will to drop out of the mayoral race, launching into an impassioned, twisted speech about the dangers of power. Being completely whipped, Will agreed to do as “she” said.
Meanwhile, the real Madeline regained consciousness. Ass Masterson passed by, dragging a tree behind him, when he noticed that his sister had been badly disfigured. When he asked what had happened, he discovered that Madeline was now suffering from amnesia.
Trapper Jean was explaining his mayoral campaign to Crab McGotnuthin. Crab was intrigued by the political process, explaining that in Shakespeare’s plays, power was seized by assassination. Jean replied that that was precisely what he had done, by shooting Hop Hop and declaring himself mayor. Jean asked Crab for a sample of Shakespeare, and she recited the “What a piece of work is man” speech from “Hamlet.” Moved to tears, Jean realized that he had lost touch with his own humanity, shielding himself behind his guns and pelts. Jean resolved to turn over a new leaf and run his campaign on a strong moral stand. Crab advised him not to mention his killing the former mayor.
Jesus Christ and Apollonia McGotnuthin were discussing their favorite rabbit recipes, and realized they had a lot in common. Apollonia offered Jesus a rose. When Jesus pointed out that she’d given him two roses, she broke down in embarrassment and confessed that she didn’t know how to count. Jesus taught her math, and in return, she taught him about Shakespeare. They performed the balcony scene from “Romeo & Juliet,” and Jesus went way off script. Just as they were about to kiss, Will McGotnuthin walked by and was stunned to find himself face-to-face with his twin sister once again. Will urged Apollonia to come clean about her criminal activities.
WILL: “Go on, confess to Jesus! That’s what he’s for!”
JESUS: “Hey, I’d like to think that’s not ALL I’m here for…”
Apollonia admitted that she and her sisters always rob and rape the audience after each performance. Jesus was shocked that Apollonia would do such a thing. (“I don’t even know you anymore!”) Feeling hurt and betrayed, Jesus walked away.
APOLLONIA: “Every time I meet a nice guy, THIS happens!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Season 5, Episode 22: St. Jubal's Day Jubilee
Episode 22: St. Jubal’s Day Jubilee
Will McGotnuthin returned to the school to discover that Titsy McJugpuddles, acting as substitute teacher, had misunderstood the Montessori system and was letting the children do whatever they wanted. She explained that she was trying to avoid the mistakes of her own repressive childhood, which led her to the degraded life of a fan-dancer, prostitute, and worst of all, a cleaning woman. Sympathizing, Will agreed to keep her on as an assistant teacher as long as she stops sending the children out into blizzards.
Having been gravely wounded in her gunfight with Roswell Diabolicus, Sheriff Madeline Clementine was being patched up by Constance Snell. Constance started going on about the lawlessness of the city, and her voice took on a preaching quality. She explained that she felt the presence of Jesus in her (and Jesus appeared behind her to illustrate the point), urging her to save Little One Point. She started to sing.
After going through two gunfights in quick succession, Roswell Diabolicus was now a severed head, kept alive by his Diabolitank. Jesus Christ appeared and ordered Roswell to bow his head (which Roswell couldn’t do, of course). Then Jesus brightened up, explaining that the Old Testament act was just a St. Jubal’s Day prank. Jesus was impressed by Roswell’s Diabolitank, and asked him several questions about how it worked. Roswell grew irritated by this digression, and brought the conversation around to the principle of forgiveness. Jesus explained that He would forgive any sin if the sinner asked for redemption. Roswell belligerently asked Jesus to forgive him and restore his body. Jesus refused, since He knew that Roswell’s plea was not motivated by sincere remorse. Jesus told Roswell he needed to find the love within himself to earn forgiveness.
Trapper Jean and Ass Masterson were preparing a float for the St. Jubal’s Day parade. Carelessly swinging around Constance’s baby, Jean explained that he had stolen the baby by catching it in a bear-trap baited with pudding (“But if you have been watching ‘Scandal,’ you would know the baby is indestructible”). Jean told Ass that he wanted to give the baby a special St. Jubal’s Day. Ass remembered his first St. Jubal’s Day, when the woman he loved pulled a prank on his heart by leaving him. Jean enlisted Ass’ help in pulling off the greatest St. Jubal’s Day prank of all.
Titsy McJugpuddles was going over her plans for “Titsy’s Place” when Constance tried to enter (and found her key wouldn’t open the door). When Titsy explained that she had taken over the saloon, Constance thought it was just an elaborate St. Jubal’s Day prank. When Constance realized that Titsy was serious, she refused to give up the saloon. Constance and Titsy each tried to kick the other out, and the confrontation soon escalated into a full-scale catfight. Trapper Jean arrived and sat down to watch the action.
Will and Madeline were building a St. Jubal’s Day float while Madeline brought Will up to date on what had happened while he was still in Cumming. Will offered his sympathies for Madeline’s wounds, then told her “I like a woman with scars.” Madeline realized that Will had scars, too…internal, emotional scars. They kissed passionately.
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Ass Masterson entered. Roswell was amazed that Ass had apparently gotten through their gunfight without a scratch. Ass explained that all of Roswell’s bullets were still inside him…that’s just how tough he was. Ass revealed that he had a secret to tell Roswell. After much prodding, Ass informed Roswell that the reason Ass’ father had been panning for gold (just before his untimely end) was to save up for an operation to make the hermaphroditic Roswell a complete woman. Yes, Ass’ father was Roswell’s lover. Because Ass respected his father’s love, he forgave Roswell. Suddenly, Jesus appeared and told Roswell that he’d finally found that spark of love inside himself. Jesus healed Roswell and restored his body.
Titsy McJugpuddles was grumbling about her dress getting ripped in the fight with Constance. Jesus Christ appeared and took her to task for her language. Titsy demanded to know why Jesus hadn’t intervened in the fight, and Jesus pointed out that Constance had won because she was in the right. Jesus scolded Titsy for trying to take over the bar that Constance had worked her whole life to build. Titsy cried that she just wanted to be the greatest, most celebrated fan-dancer in the world. (“Well then, FAN-DANCE! Don’t steal bars!”) Jesus conjured a stage for her to dance on. Tearing off her dress to reveal a skimpy, sparkly outfit underneath, Titsy put on the greatest fan-dancing show of her life. Trapper Jean arrived and was awestruck by the spectacle. Jean was now even more turned on than he was by the catfight. Jesus suggested that Jean become Titsy’s manager and lead her to stardom, using his cunning for good instead of evil. Constance entered, and Titsy tearfully urged Jean to shoot her. Jesus attempted to make peace, but Jean refused to listen. Jean explained that he did not believe in Jesus, so Jesus had no power over him. In response, Jesus proved his power by bringing Jean’s skunk-skin cap back to life. The enraged skunk attacked Jean.
Later that day, the St. Jubal’s Day parade finally got underway. Madeline and Will rode their float, while Ass Masterson and Constance dragged Jean’s body through the street. Jesus noted that Jean’s death was putting a damper on the festivities. Titsy tearfully cried that Jesus had killed Jean, but Jesus protested that Jean’s death was the skunk’s doing. Roswell Diabolicus urged Madeline to arrest Jesus for murder. Madeline didn’t want to arrest the Savior, but Jesus told her that He’d accepted His fate. Suddenly, Roswell shouted “Happy St. Jubal’s Day!” Roswell and Ass hadn’t forgiven each other after all…it was just a prank to get Jesus to heal Roswell. What’s more, Trapper Jean was all right…he’d only been playing dead as his own prank, and Jesus had fallen for it completely! Everybody laughed, and Jesus declared this to be the greatest St. Jubal’s Day ever.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Will McGotnuthin returned to the school to discover that Titsy McJugpuddles, acting as substitute teacher, had misunderstood the Montessori system and was letting the children do whatever they wanted. She explained that she was trying to avoid the mistakes of her own repressive childhood, which led her to the degraded life of a fan-dancer, prostitute, and worst of all, a cleaning woman. Sympathizing, Will agreed to keep her on as an assistant teacher as long as she stops sending the children out into blizzards.
Having been gravely wounded in her gunfight with Roswell Diabolicus, Sheriff Madeline Clementine was being patched up by Constance Snell. Constance started going on about the lawlessness of the city, and her voice took on a preaching quality. She explained that she felt the presence of Jesus in her (and Jesus appeared behind her to illustrate the point), urging her to save Little One Point. She started to sing.
After going through two gunfights in quick succession, Roswell Diabolicus was now a severed head, kept alive by his Diabolitank. Jesus Christ appeared and ordered Roswell to bow his head (which Roswell couldn’t do, of course). Then Jesus brightened up, explaining that the Old Testament act was just a St. Jubal’s Day prank. Jesus was impressed by Roswell’s Diabolitank, and asked him several questions about how it worked. Roswell grew irritated by this digression, and brought the conversation around to the principle of forgiveness. Jesus explained that He would forgive any sin if the sinner asked for redemption. Roswell belligerently asked Jesus to forgive him and restore his body. Jesus refused, since He knew that Roswell’s plea was not motivated by sincere remorse. Jesus told Roswell he needed to find the love within himself to earn forgiveness.
Trapper Jean and Ass Masterson were preparing a float for the St. Jubal’s Day parade. Carelessly swinging around Constance’s baby, Jean explained that he had stolen the baby by catching it in a bear-trap baited with pudding (“But if you have been watching ‘Scandal,’ you would know the baby is indestructible”). Jean told Ass that he wanted to give the baby a special St. Jubal’s Day. Ass remembered his first St. Jubal’s Day, when the woman he loved pulled a prank on his heart by leaving him. Jean enlisted Ass’ help in pulling off the greatest St. Jubal’s Day prank of all.
Titsy McJugpuddles was going over her plans for “Titsy’s Place” when Constance tried to enter (and found her key wouldn’t open the door). When Titsy explained that she had taken over the saloon, Constance thought it was just an elaborate St. Jubal’s Day prank. When Constance realized that Titsy was serious, she refused to give up the saloon. Constance and Titsy each tried to kick the other out, and the confrontation soon escalated into a full-scale catfight. Trapper Jean arrived and sat down to watch the action.
Will and Madeline were building a St. Jubal’s Day float while Madeline brought Will up to date on what had happened while he was still in Cumming. Will offered his sympathies for Madeline’s wounds, then told her “I like a woman with scars.” Madeline realized that Will had scars, too…internal, emotional scars. They kissed passionately.
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Ass Masterson entered. Roswell was amazed that Ass had apparently gotten through their gunfight without a scratch. Ass explained that all of Roswell’s bullets were still inside him…that’s just how tough he was. Ass revealed that he had a secret to tell Roswell. After much prodding, Ass informed Roswell that the reason Ass’ father had been panning for gold (just before his untimely end) was to save up for an operation to make the hermaphroditic Roswell a complete woman. Yes, Ass’ father was Roswell’s lover. Because Ass respected his father’s love, he forgave Roswell. Suddenly, Jesus appeared and told Roswell that he’d finally found that spark of love inside himself. Jesus healed Roswell and restored his body.
Titsy McJugpuddles was grumbling about her dress getting ripped in the fight with Constance. Jesus Christ appeared and took her to task for her language. Titsy demanded to know why Jesus hadn’t intervened in the fight, and Jesus pointed out that Constance had won because she was in the right. Jesus scolded Titsy for trying to take over the bar that Constance had worked her whole life to build. Titsy cried that she just wanted to be the greatest, most celebrated fan-dancer in the world. (“Well then, FAN-DANCE! Don’t steal bars!”) Jesus conjured a stage for her to dance on. Tearing off her dress to reveal a skimpy, sparkly outfit underneath, Titsy put on the greatest fan-dancing show of her life. Trapper Jean arrived and was awestruck by the spectacle. Jean was now even more turned on than he was by the catfight. Jesus suggested that Jean become Titsy’s manager and lead her to stardom, using his cunning for good instead of evil. Constance entered, and Titsy tearfully urged Jean to shoot her. Jesus attempted to make peace, but Jean refused to listen. Jean explained that he did not believe in Jesus, so Jesus had no power over him. In response, Jesus proved his power by bringing Jean’s skunk-skin cap back to life. The enraged skunk attacked Jean.
Later that day, the St. Jubal’s Day parade finally got underway. Madeline and Will rode their float, while Ass Masterson and Constance dragged Jean’s body through the street. Jesus noted that Jean’s death was putting a damper on the festivities. Titsy tearfully cried that Jesus had killed Jean, but Jesus protested that Jean’s death was the skunk’s doing. Roswell Diabolicus urged Madeline to arrest Jesus for murder. Madeline didn’t want to arrest the Savior, but Jesus told her that He’d accepted His fate. Suddenly, Roswell shouted “Happy St. Jubal’s Day!” Roswell and Ass hadn’t forgiven each other after all…it was just a prank to get Jesus to heal Roswell. What’s more, Trapper Jean was all right…he’d only been playing dead as his own prank, and Jesus had fallen for it completely! Everybody laughed, and Jesus declared this to be the greatest St. Jubal’s Day ever.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Season 5, Episode 21: The Devil Went Down to Georgia
Episode 21: The Devil Went Down to Georgia
As a snowstorm raged outside, Sheriff Madeline Clementine read her father’s journal. Sensing she was troubled, Jesus Christ paid her a visit. She admitted that she was puzzled by the journal’s revelation that there is “another Clementine.” She was both thrilled and apprehensive about the possibility of having a long-lost sibling. She explained that, since she grew up with three brothers (now sheriffs in other towns) and without a mother, she grew up without any feminine influence and had to learn ladylike behavior from magazines. Jesus speculated that the “other Clementine” might refer to Madeline’s true inner self.
Since Will McGotnuthin hadn’t gotten back from Cumming yet, Titsy McJugpuddles was teaching the children about female anatomy. As she dismissed class due to the snowstorm, Trapper Jean strutted in, filled with renewed self-confidence. Titsy told Jean that she was not a one-man woman, but Jean replied that he could be more than one man if she wanted. Titsy pressured Jean to get her the saloon so that she could turn it into a man-dancing emporium and shopping center.
Ass Masterson wandered back into town. As Constance led him to his room at the hotel, Ass told her his life story. Years ago, Ass’ father gave his sheriff’s badge to his only daughter, causing his sons to split up. Ass wandered out into the desert, stripped off his clothes and dug himself a hole…but now he’s come out of the hole and come back to town. Constance was slightly disconcerted by Masterson’s bare-assed nature, but decided to overlook it. She told Ass that she’d just gotten a brand new vagina that “hadn’t been opened yet.” He offered to help her unwrap that present.
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus huddled against the cold. Suddenly, he was struck by an inspiration: By firing the Rhode Island Cannon at Florida and setting the state ablaze, the northbound winds would carry the warmth to him. Roswell did so, gleefully listening to the destruction of Florida.
Hewitt P. Quagmire went to see Trapper Jean in the mayor’s office. Jean begged for more of Quagmire’s miraculous elixir, which looked different this time. (“It looks different EVERY time!”) Quagmire warned him that the elixir had a new price: someday, Quagmire will ask a favor, and Jean must do as he asks. (“Think of the multiple plot points I can set up.”) Jean accepted.
At the bar, Constance was stocking up in a snowstorm panic when Madeline arrived, followed shortly by Ass Masterson. Madeline and Ass recognized each other as their long-lost siblings, and they had a heartfelt reunion. Ass confessed that he blamed himself for their father’s death. Their daddy was not killed in a vicious slapfight, as Madeline always believed. What actually happened was that Roswell Diabolicus blew up the carriage that Ass was supposed to be coming home in, and their father witnessed the explosion and had a heart attack. Madeline reassured Ass that their daddy’s death wasn’t Ass’ fault. Madeline swore revenge on Roswell, and this time she REALLY meant it.
Basking in the heat from the Great Florida Fire, Roswell Diabolicus checked the synopsis writer’s notes to find out what was going on elsewhere in town. So, when Madeline arrived, he was ready for her. She confronted him about his part in her father’s death, and he admitted it. (“To you, it was a tragic event…to me, it was Tuesday.”) Madeline and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.
Hewitt P. Quagmire strolled along the beach that had formed since Florida’s destruction. Jesus Christ walked by and healed a fallen palm tree. Jesus complimented Quagmire on his hairstyle.
QUAGMIRE: “My hair is like my life…full and sexy in the front, short and wanting in the back.”
Quagmire offered Jesus a sample of his formula. Taking a sniff, Jesus remarked that the elixir smelled of sulfur, death, and darkness…but he took a swig anyway. Jesus’ stigmata suddenly healed, but his memory started fading away.
Titsy McJugpuddles proudly surveyed her new saloon, since Trapper Jean had turned it over to her. Wandering troubadour Slim Talley entered, looking for a job as Titsy’s musical accompaniment. He auditioned by playing a flamenco number while Titsy danced. She agreed to hire him if he didn’t reveal the secret of her fake breasts. The scene was interrupted by Trapper Jean’s handsomeness.
Roswell Diabolicus limped his way over to Ass Masterson, blaming him for his disfiguring injury. (“The heat from the bullet permanently fused my hand to my foot!”) Ass told Roswell that, unless he found the strength to rip his hand free, Roswell was going to die. Roswell demanded that Ass apologize for getting him into this predicament, and Ass started laughing hysterically until Roswell pulled out his gun. Ass and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.
Drifting in and out of amnesia, Jesus Christ wandered the streets of Little One Point in a daze. His Father and the Holy Spirit (also known as Percy) warned Jesus that Hewitt P. Quagmire was “the man of a thousand lies.” (“Lon Chaney?”) Quagmire arrived and admitted that he was, in fact, Satan. Quagmire bragged that this sinful city had strengthened him even as it weakened Jesus. Undaunted, Jesus challenged Quagmire to a slapfight. If Quagmire wins, Atlanta would be his. If Jesus wins, Quagmire would flee to Austin, Texas. The fight began, and Jesus easily defeated Quagmire. Slim Talley entered and sang a song about Jesus’ triumph. (“Well, the devil bowed his head ’cause he knew that he’d been beat…”)
TO BE CONTINUED…
As a snowstorm raged outside, Sheriff Madeline Clementine read her father’s journal. Sensing she was troubled, Jesus Christ paid her a visit. She admitted that she was puzzled by the journal’s revelation that there is “another Clementine.” She was both thrilled and apprehensive about the possibility of having a long-lost sibling. She explained that, since she grew up with three brothers (now sheriffs in other towns) and without a mother, she grew up without any feminine influence and had to learn ladylike behavior from magazines. Jesus speculated that the “other Clementine” might refer to Madeline’s true inner self.
Since Will McGotnuthin hadn’t gotten back from Cumming yet, Titsy McJugpuddles was teaching the children about female anatomy. As she dismissed class due to the snowstorm, Trapper Jean strutted in, filled with renewed self-confidence. Titsy told Jean that she was not a one-man woman, but Jean replied that he could be more than one man if she wanted. Titsy pressured Jean to get her the saloon so that she could turn it into a man-dancing emporium and shopping center.
Ass Masterson wandered back into town. As Constance led him to his room at the hotel, Ass told her his life story. Years ago, Ass’ father gave his sheriff’s badge to his only daughter, causing his sons to split up. Ass wandered out into the desert, stripped off his clothes and dug himself a hole…but now he’s come out of the hole and come back to town. Constance was slightly disconcerted by Masterson’s bare-assed nature, but decided to overlook it. She told Ass that she’d just gotten a brand new vagina that “hadn’t been opened yet.” He offered to help her unwrap that present.
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus huddled against the cold. Suddenly, he was struck by an inspiration: By firing the Rhode Island Cannon at Florida and setting the state ablaze, the northbound winds would carry the warmth to him. Roswell did so, gleefully listening to the destruction of Florida.
Hewitt P. Quagmire went to see Trapper Jean in the mayor’s office. Jean begged for more of Quagmire’s miraculous elixir, which looked different this time. (“It looks different EVERY time!”) Quagmire warned him that the elixir had a new price: someday, Quagmire will ask a favor, and Jean must do as he asks. (“Think of the multiple plot points I can set up.”) Jean accepted.
At the bar, Constance was stocking up in a snowstorm panic when Madeline arrived, followed shortly by Ass Masterson. Madeline and Ass recognized each other as their long-lost siblings, and they had a heartfelt reunion. Ass confessed that he blamed himself for their father’s death. Their daddy was not killed in a vicious slapfight, as Madeline always believed. What actually happened was that Roswell Diabolicus blew up the carriage that Ass was supposed to be coming home in, and their father witnessed the explosion and had a heart attack. Madeline reassured Ass that their daddy’s death wasn’t Ass’ fault. Madeline swore revenge on Roswell, and this time she REALLY meant it.
Basking in the heat from the Great Florida Fire, Roswell Diabolicus checked the synopsis writer’s notes to find out what was going on elsewhere in town. So, when Madeline arrived, he was ready for her. She confronted him about his part in her father’s death, and he admitted it. (“To you, it was a tragic event…to me, it was Tuesday.”) Madeline and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.
Hewitt P. Quagmire strolled along the beach that had formed since Florida’s destruction. Jesus Christ walked by and healed a fallen palm tree. Jesus complimented Quagmire on his hairstyle.
QUAGMIRE: “My hair is like my life…full and sexy in the front, short and wanting in the back.”
Quagmire offered Jesus a sample of his formula. Taking a sniff, Jesus remarked that the elixir smelled of sulfur, death, and darkness…but he took a swig anyway. Jesus’ stigmata suddenly healed, but his memory started fading away.
Titsy McJugpuddles proudly surveyed her new saloon, since Trapper Jean had turned it over to her. Wandering troubadour Slim Talley entered, looking for a job as Titsy’s musical accompaniment. He auditioned by playing a flamenco number while Titsy danced. She agreed to hire him if he didn’t reveal the secret of her fake breasts. The scene was interrupted by Trapper Jean’s handsomeness.
Roswell Diabolicus limped his way over to Ass Masterson, blaming him for his disfiguring injury. (“The heat from the bullet permanently fused my hand to my foot!”) Ass told Roswell that, unless he found the strength to rip his hand free, Roswell was going to die. Roswell demanded that Ass apologize for getting him into this predicament, and Ass started laughing hysterically until Roswell pulled out his gun. Ass and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.
Drifting in and out of amnesia, Jesus Christ wandered the streets of Little One Point in a daze. His Father and the Holy Spirit (also known as Percy) warned Jesus that Hewitt P. Quagmire was “the man of a thousand lies.” (“Lon Chaney?”) Quagmire arrived and admitted that he was, in fact, Satan. Quagmire bragged that this sinful city had strengthened him even as it weakened Jesus. Undaunted, Jesus challenged Quagmire to a slapfight. If Quagmire wins, Atlanta would be his. If Jesus wins, Quagmire would flee to Austin, Texas. The fight began, and Jesus easily defeated Quagmire. Slim Talley entered and sang a song about Jesus’ triumph. (“Well, the devil bowed his head ’cause he knew that he’d been beat…”)
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Season 5, Episode 20: Quagmire's Miracle Elixir
Episode 20: Quagmire’s Miracle Elixir
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was going over some paperwork when self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean entered, distraught over Titsy McJugpuddles’ walking out on him.
MADELINE: “If you hadn’t treated me as shabbily as that woman treated you, you might find some sympathy here.”
Jean wanted to declare Tuesdays “Titsy McJugpuddles Day” to win her back, but Madeline advised him that desperation and pity wouldn’t get her…self-confidence would. Jean tried to put on his old brave face, but couldn’t.
Jesus Christ came back to town to help Constance take care of the baby. Constance confessed that she couldn’t handle the stress of parenthood, but mentioned that she’d invented a new kind of baby food by grinding peanuts into a butter-like consistency (and that she’d sent the recipe to her friend George Washington Carver). Constance cried that she wanted to put her vagina back in and start enjoying herself again. Jesus advised her to be true to herself and do what was best for her.
Titsy McJugpuddles went to the schoolhouse as class let out. She explained to Will that she wanted to resume her education and needed a tutor. Will showed her the Book of Knowledge, and she flirtatiously asked him to read the definition of “pleasure.” Too distracted to teach, Will told Titsy that she was “carbonating his hormones,” then invited her out. Titsy replied that they could just stay in instead.
Traveling medicine-show salesman Hewitt P. Quagmire walked into town and entered the general store. Meeting Roswell Diabolicus, Hewitt diagnosed him with artichoke lips and pelican skin, then recommended Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment as treatment. Hewitt offered him a free sample sip, though the price would be jacked up considerably after that. Roswell took a sip, then collapsed behind the counter, gasping. Seconds later, Roswell re-emerged…young, beardless, and prepared to pay any price for more ointment.
Madeline Clementine and Will McGotnuthin took off on the road to Cumming, in search of Madeline’s father’s journal. After singing a trail song, they stopped to rest. The horses whined until Will whipped his into submission. Madeline tried to tell Will about her attraction to him, but the conversation kept getting disrupted by the distracting noise of furry-headed crickets.
Constance Snell went to Castle Gayskull to try to get child-support payments from Roswell Diabolicus. Constance was very surprised when the now-youthful Roswell opened the door. He explained that his miraculous transformation wasn’t brought on by any of his own experiments, but by Hewitt P. Quagmire’s elixir. Constance was so awestruck that she almost forgot why she came in the first place. As she asked for money, Roswell suddenly started aging again and pooped his pants.
At the bar, Titsy McJugpuddle met Jesus and introduced herself as the town’s new erotic fan-dancer. Jesus reminisced about his friend John, whose head was cut off by an erotic dancer. Titsy demonstrated her dance moves. Jesus observed that her dance would probably be more effective if she actually took some clothes off. He advised her that her dance shouldn’t be about what she thinks men want, but about what makes her feel good.
Constance Snell was tending bar and playing with the baby when Hewitt P. Quagmire entered. Remembering Roswell’s transformation, Constance gave him a drink on the house and offered him a free room in exchange for Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment. After Constance took a sip, her hair suddenly became shorter and less brassy. She then gave a sip to the baby, who started speaking in an urbane, vaguely European accent. The baby offered to take care of the saloon while Constance and Hewitt went out together.
Back at Castle Gayskull, Roswell’s bushy eyebrows had grown back as the formula slowly wore off (though his beard hadn’t come back yet). Trapper Jean came to the castle to ask Roswell’s advice on restoring his self-confidence. Roswell reminded Jean of his prowess in killing animals, and Jean proudly reminisced about some of his favorite kills…Mr. Toesy the bobcat, Robespierre the ferret, Hop Hop the mayor… Jean’s happy memories prompted Roswell to recall some of his own evil deeds, including the plan to destroy the world with the Rhode Island Cannon.
Will and Madeline arrived in Cumming. Consulting the map Hop Hop had left them, they soon found her father’s journal. Inside, they found her father’s last letter to Madeline. He wrote that he had found gold and was afraid for his life, and that he planned on appointing his daughter as his successor. Madeline was thrilled to learn that her father’s dying act, pinning his badge on her, was a deliberate choice and not a confused, delirious mistake. The letter revealed that there was one other Clementine child that she didn’t know about. Unfortunately, Madeline’s father was interrupted and killed before he could finish the letter and reveal the secret. Awestruck, Madeline vowed to set out and discover her lost sibling. Will promised to accompany her, and demonstrated his devotion by giving her a furry-headed cricket as a pet.
That night, at the bar, the whole town had gathered to see Titsy McJugpuddles’ debut performance. Trapper Jean had dressed up for the occasion in his Foreign Legion uniform. As Titsy danced, Hewitt P. Quagmire offered Jean a sip of Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment to cure his heartbreak and restore his confidence. Revitalized, Jean strode forward and started dancing with Titsy.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was going over some paperwork when self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean entered, distraught over Titsy McJugpuddles’ walking out on him.
MADELINE: “If you hadn’t treated me as shabbily as that woman treated you, you might find some sympathy here.”
Jean wanted to declare Tuesdays “Titsy McJugpuddles Day” to win her back, but Madeline advised him that desperation and pity wouldn’t get her…self-confidence would. Jean tried to put on his old brave face, but couldn’t.
Jesus Christ came back to town to help Constance take care of the baby. Constance confessed that she couldn’t handle the stress of parenthood, but mentioned that she’d invented a new kind of baby food by grinding peanuts into a butter-like consistency (and that she’d sent the recipe to her friend George Washington Carver). Constance cried that she wanted to put her vagina back in and start enjoying herself again. Jesus advised her to be true to herself and do what was best for her.
Titsy McJugpuddles went to the schoolhouse as class let out. She explained to Will that she wanted to resume her education and needed a tutor. Will showed her the Book of Knowledge, and she flirtatiously asked him to read the definition of “pleasure.” Too distracted to teach, Will told Titsy that she was “carbonating his hormones,” then invited her out. Titsy replied that they could just stay in instead.
Traveling medicine-show salesman Hewitt P. Quagmire walked into town and entered the general store. Meeting Roswell Diabolicus, Hewitt diagnosed him with artichoke lips and pelican skin, then recommended Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment as treatment. Hewitt offered him a free sample sip, though the price would be jacked up considerably after that. Roswell took a sip, then collapsed behind the counter, gasping. Seconds later, Roswell re-emerged…young, beardless, and prepared to pay any price for more ointment.
Madeline Clementine and Will McGotnuthin took off on the road to Cumming, in search of Madeline’s father’s journal. After singing a trail song, they stopped to rest. The horses whined until Will whipped his into submission. Madeline tried to tell Will about her attraction to him, but the conversation kept getting disrupted by the distracting noise of furry-headed crickets.
Constance Snell went to Castle Gayskull to try to get child-support payments from Roswell Diabolicus. Constance was very surprised when the now-youthful Roswell opened the door. He explained that his miraculous transformation wasn’t brought on by any of his own experiments, but by Hewitt P. Quagmire’s elixir. Constance was so awestruck that she almost forgot why she came in the first place. As she asked for money, Roswell suddenly started aging again and pooped his pants.
At the bar, Titsy McJugpuddle met Jesus and introduced herself as the town’s new erotic fan-dancer. Jesus reminisced about his friend John, whose head was cut off by an erotic dancer. Titsy demonstrated her dance moves. Jesus observed that her dance would probably be more effective if she actually took some clothes off. He advised her that her dance shouldn’t be about what she thinks men want, but about what makes her feel good.
Constance Snell was tending bar and playing with the baby when Hewitt P. Quagmire entered. Remembering Roswell’s transformation, Constance gave him a drink on the house and offered him a free room in exchange for Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment. After Constance took a sip, her hair suddenly became shorter and less brassy. She then gave a sip to the baby, who started speaking in an urbane, vaguely European accent. The baby offered to take care of the saloon while Constance and Hewitt went out together.
Back at Castle Gayskull, Roswell’s bushy eyebrows had grown back as the formula slowly wore off (though his beard hadn’t come back yet). Trapper Jean came to the castle to ask Roswell’s advice on restoring his self-confidence. Roswell reminded Jean of his prowess in killing animals, and Jean proudly reminisced about some of his favorite kills…Mr. Toesy the bobcat, Robespierre the ferret, Hop Hop the mayor… Jean’s happy memories prompted Roswell to recall some of his own evil deeds, including the plan to destroy the world with the Rhode Island Cannon.
Will and Madeline arrived in Cumming. Consulting the map Hop Hop had left them, they soon found her father’s journal. Inside, they found her father’s last letter to Madeline. He wrote that he had found gold and was afraid for his life, and that he planned on appointing his daughter as his successor. Madeline was thrilled to learn that her father’s dying act, pinning his badge on her, was a deliberate choice and not a confused, delirious mistake. The letter revealed that there was one other Clementine child that she didn’t know about. Unfortunately, Madeline’s father was interrupted and killed before he could finish the letter and reveal the secret. Awestruck, Madeline vowed to set out and discover her lost sibling. Will promised to accompany her, and demonstrated his devotion by giving her a furry-headed cricket as a pet.
That night, at the bar, the whole town had gathered to see Titsy McJugpuddles’ debut performance. Trapper Jean had dressed up for the occasion in his Foreign Legion uniform. As Titsy danced, Hewitt P. Quagmire offered Jean a sip of Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment to cure his heartbreak and restore his confidence. Revitalized, Jean strode forward and started dancing with Titsy.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, December 15, 2008
Season 5, Episode 19: Exit Brigham, Enter Titsy
Episode 19: Exit Brigham, Enter Titsy
Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin buried Judge X, eliminating the only other person who knew about Will’s past. And now that Will’s secret was safe, Brigham was finally going to leave town, as he’d been promising to do for several weeks now.
WILL: “You’re a man of your word, Brigham Young…eventually.”
Despite their past as enemies, Will and Brigham had come to respect and like each other…so much so that Brigham asked Will to help raise his son. Brigham suggested that Will pass himself off as Brigham to the baby, so the baby won’t know the difference if Brigham ever comes back.
Madeline was looking for her father’s journal, when her search was interrupted by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell explained that, before he resorts to destroying the world, he was going to give the law a chance to help him reclaim the baby. Madeline pointed out that, although Roswell did technically give birth to the child, he was using Constance’s vagina, and thus was only a surrogate. She agreed to see what she could do, if Roswell would help her find the journal. Roswell warned her that she might not like the answers contained therein.
Having escaped from jail, Trapper Jean returned to the mayor’s office. Suddenly, a mysterious and voluptuous woman entered, introducing herself as the celebrated erotic fan dancer Titsy McJugpuddles. Jean asked her to prove her identity with a sample of her dancing, then invited her to dinner.
Madeline went to see Constance Snell to try to work out some kind of joint-custody deal for the baby (which Constance still hadn’t named yet). As Madeline talked about the importance of family, Constance was haunted by the painful memory of her own family being killed by bees. Constance explained that she was keeping the baby with her at all times, even when she goes about her business at the bar. Madeline was shocked by the bad example Constance was setting. Suddenly, the baby said his first words: “Bourbon.”
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the store when Trapper Jean came in to buy some flowers for his date with Titsy. Roswell sold him some maize for 15 cents, but offered to let him have it on credit if Jean would help him steal the baby.
JEAN: “You want me to help you steal a baby for 15 cents of credit? What’s the APR?”
Outside Little One Point, Brigham Young had just started making his way to Utah when he ran into the Mexican wanderer Dirty Sanchez. When Brigham explained that Jesus had sent him on a holy mission to Utah, Sanchez was amazed that Brigham spoke to Christ. Brigham demonstrated by starting a conversation with Jesus, but Sanchez couldn’t hear Him. Nevertheless, Sanchez agreed to join Brigham on his journey.
Will came into the bar and saw the baby sitting on the bar as Constance poured the drinks. Constance explained that she was trying to teach the baby to tap-dance as an attraction to draw in customers. Shocked by her irresponsibility, Will explained that he had been appointed by Brigham to be the baby’s substitute father. This came as a surprise to Constance, who hadn’t known that Brigham had already left. Suddenly, Titsy McJugpuddles entered, looking for work as a dancer. Titsy confessed that she was worried that people might look down on her, and asked about the town’s moral standards. When the baby blurted out “bourbon,” Titsy knew she would fit right in.
On the road, Brigham Young and Dirty Sanchez got to know each other. Brigham showed Sanchez a stick he had made by grabbing a snake and transforming it. As Brigham discussed his mission to create the Mormons, they realized that he wouldn’t be able to do that without women.
Roswell Diabolicus begged Constance to let him hold the baby. (“I swear to God…a God that I do not believe in, nor do I care about…that I will give him right back.”) Constance relented and handed over the baby. Roswell grew increasingly frustrated that he would only say “Mama” and not “Papa,” until Constance snatched the baby back. Constance tried to explain the importance of family by telling Roswell about her parents’ deaths. Roswell recalled that they died about the same time he invented the beehive-launcher.
Trapper Jean and Titsy McJugpuddles enjoyed a romantic dinner at the Bridgetown Grill. Titsy explained that she had been thrown out of Jersey City for her “prurient” dancing, and Jean assured her that would never happen here, even if he had to rewrite the laws to eliminate any moral legislation. She asked Jean about his past as a war hero.
JEAN: “The war, she is a cruel goddess. She gives and she takes. Mostly, she gives death and takes life.”
Madeline and Will discussed the recent upheavals in Little One Point. Will was depressed because he had lost so many friends with Sam’s death, Brigham’s leaving, and Hop Hop’s disappearance. Suddenly, Will remembered a letter that Hop Hop had left with him a long time ago. In the letter, Hop Hop declared Will as his successor, and he also included a map to Madeline’s father’s journal…hidden in that den of iniquity known as Cumming, Georgia.
MADELINE: “Will you help me get to Cumming? ’Cause I need some help getting to Cumming.”
We saw a montage of Brigham and Sanchez on the road.
As the dinner date progressed and Jean and Titsy both got very drunk, they dove behind the bar to enjoy each other’s carnal charms. Two hours later, Titsy thanked Jean for a lovely evening and left. Jean was distraught by her departure…he had loved and left many women in his time, but never before had a woman left him. He felt used and dirty.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin buried Judge X, eliminating the only other person who knew about Will’s past. And now that Will’s secret was safe, Brigham was finally going to leave town, as he’d been promising to do for several weeks now.
WILL: “You’re a man of your word, Brigham Young…eventually.”
Despite their past as enemies, Will and Brigham had come to respect and like each other…so much so that Brigham asked Will to help raise his son. Brigham suggested that Will pass himself off as Brigham to the baby, so the baby won’t know the difference if Brigham ever comes back.
Madeline was looking for her father’s journal, when her search was interrupted by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell explained that, before he resorts to destroying the world, he was going to give the law a chance to help him reclaim the baby. Madeline pointed out that, although Roswell did technically give birth to the child, he was using Constance’s vagina, and thus was only a surrogate. She agreed to see what she could do, if Roswell would help her find the journal. Roswell warned her that she might not like the answers contained therein.
Having escaped from jail, Trapper Jean returned to the mayor’s office. Suddenly, a mysterious and voluptuous woman entered, introducing herself as the celebrated erotic fan dancer Titsy McJugpuddles. Jean asked her to prove her identity with a sample of her dancing, then invited her to dinner.
Madeline went to see Constance Snell to try to work out some kind of joint-custody deal for the baby (which Constance still hadn’t named yet). As Madeline talked about the importance of family, Constance was haunted by the painful memory of her own family being killed by bees. Constance explained that she was keeping the baby with her at all times, even when she goes about her business at the bar. Madeline was shocked by the bad example Constance was setting. Suddenly, the baby said his first words: “Bourbon.”
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the store when Trapper Jean came in to buy some flowers for his date with Titsy. Roswell sold him some maize for 15 cents, but offered to let him have it on credit if Jean would help him steal the baby.
JEAN: “You want me to help you steal a baby for 15 cents of credit? What’s the APR?”
Outside Little One Point, Brigham Young had just started making his way to Utah when he ran into the Mexican wanderer Dirty Sanchez. When Brigham explained that Jesus had sent him on a holy mission to Utah, Sanchez was amazed that Brigham spoke to Christ. Brigham demonstrated by starting a conversation with Jesus, but Sanchez couldn’t hear Him. Nevertheless, Sanchez agreed to join Brigham on his journey.
Will came into the bar and saw the baby sitting on the bar as Constance poured the drinks. Constance explained that she was trying to teach the baby to tap-dance as an attraction to draw in customers. Shocked by her irresponsibility, Will explained that he had been appointed by Brigham to be the baby’s substitute father. This came as a surprise to Constance, who hadn’t known that Brigham had already left. Suddenly, Titsy McJugpuddles entered, looking for work as a dancer. Titsy confessed that she was worried that people might look down on her, and asked about the town’s moral standards. When the baby blurted out “bourbon,” Titsy knew she would fit right in.
On the road, Brigham Young and Dirty Sanchez got to know each other. Brigham showed Sanchez a stick he had made by grabbing a snake and transforming it. As Brigham discussed his mission to create the Mormons, they realized that he wouldn’t be able to do that without women.
Roswell Diabolicus begged Constance to let him hold the baby. (“I swear to God…a God that I do not believe in, nor do I care about…that I will give him right back.”) Constance relented and handed over the baby. Roswell grew increasingly frustrated that he would only say “Mama” and not “Papa,” until Constance snatched the baby back. Constance tried to explain the importance of family by telling Roswell about her parents’ deaths. Roswell recalled that they died about the same time he invented the beehive-launcher.
Trapper Jean and Titsy McJugpuddles enjoyed a romantic dinner at the Bridgetown Grill. Titsy explained that she had been thrown out of Jersey City for her “prurient” dancing, and Jean assured her that would never happen here, even if he had to rewrite the laws to eliminate any moral legislation. She asked Jean about his past as a war hero.
JEAN: “The war, she is a cruel goddess. She gives and she takes. Mostly, she gives death and takes life.”
Madeline and Will discussed the recent upheavals in Little One Point. Will was depressed because he had lost so many friends with Sam’s death, Brigham’s leaving, and Hop Hop’s disappearance. Suddenly, Will remembered a letter that Hop Hop had left with him a long time ago. In the letter, Hop Hop declared Will as his successor, and he also included a map to Madeline’s father’s journal…hidden in that den of iniquity known as Cumming, Georgia.
MADELINE: “Will you help me get to Cumming? ’Cause I need some help getting to Cumming.”
We saw a montage of Brigham and Sanchez on the road.
As the dinner date progressed and Jean and Titsy both got very drunk, they dove behind the bar to enjoy each other’s carnal charms. Two hours later, Titsy thanked Jean for a lovely evening and left. Jean was distraught by her departure…he had loved and left many women in his time, but never before had a woman left him. He felt used and dirty.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Season 5, Episode 18: Another Day, Another Shooting
Episode 18: Another Day, Another Shooting
Constance was cleaning up the bar with her new invention, something she called “paper towels.” Jesus Christ entered and ordered a glass of water, which he immediately turned into wine. Realizing that she was in the presence of the savior, Constance fell at his feet. Constance told Jesus that she has no longer whoring since she removed her vagina. Jesus replied that he didn’t object to her former profession, reminding her that his girlfriend was a whore. Jesus then asked her to think about the child she conceived with Brigham Young. Constance admitted that she didn’t feel any connection to it, since Roswell Diabolicus had actually carried and given birth to the child. Jesus urged Constance to get the baby back and find that connection.
Brigham Young had just finished putting metal plates in the street (as part of Roswell’s diabolical invention “traffic”), when Judge X walked by. Judge X explained that he was aiming to take down Will McGotnuthin. However, being bound by the law, Judge X couldn’t take action unless Will actually broke the law. Brigham suggested provoking a duel with Will, so that Judge X could shoot Will after Will shoots Brigham.
Having previously taken over the mayor’s office, Trapper Jean expanded his power base by claiming the general store. Roswell Diabolicus arrived and accused Jean of betraying their alliance by moving in on Roswell’s territory. Jean explained that he was upset and neglected because they weren’t spending any quality evil time together. Suddenly, the mysterious stranger entered, and Roswell recognized him as his old arch-nemesis, Ass Masterson! Roswell had thought Ass had died years ago in a carriage explosion, but Ass replied that he had missed that carriage. Jean desperately demanded to know who really died in that explosion.
Will was teaching class, as Judge X watched through a hole in the wall. Trapper Jean strolled by and told Judge X that he was peeking through the wrong wall to see the boys’ locker room. Inside, Madeline entered to discuss the Judge X situation with Will. Madeline resented the Judge coming into town and overriding her authority. Will replied that she didn’t need to worry about Judge X. (MADELINE: “I wasn’t worried, I was getting ready to kick ass!”) Will explained that he was leaving town so that Judge X would leave Little One Point alone. Outside, Constance walked by and informed Judge X that word was getting around about his peeping-tom ways.
Constance was sitting around at home, singing “Happy Birthday” to herself. Brigham entered, and Constance told him about Jesus’ admonition to get the baby back from Roswell Diabolicus. Brigham revealed that he’d been thinking the same thing, and showed her the birthday present he’d brought…a little purple cowboy outfit for the baby. Brigham explained that he’d joined Roswell to dull the pain of his broken heart, but that he now realized he needed his child. He told her that they should raise the baby together and let it know both its parents…at least until Brigham leaves for Utah.
Trapper Jean continued to expand his empire by claiming the jail. Madeline entered and told him he couldn’t just waltz in and take things over. When Jean mockingly asked what she was going to do about it, she responded by locking him up.
Judge X followed relentlessly as Will went about his daily routine: the ice cream store, the dog track, the methadone clinic…
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was bonding with the baby when Constance arrived, on the pretext of showing Roswell her new invention. As she explained the concept of “paper towels,” Roswell pointed out how wasteful her invention was. Suddenly, Roswell realized that the potential damage to the environment would make Constance’s invention a great tool for evil. Roswell gave Constance a hug to congratulate her, and Constance took advantage of the distraction to snatch the baby.
Brigham Young was at the bar, all set to say his farewells to the town…except nobody was there to hear him. Jesus Christ entered and revealed his identity to Brigham. Brigham was still reeling from this revelation when Jesus explained that Brigham was chosen to be a prophet as well. Brigham confessed that his faith had been shaky recently. He used to talk to God constantly, but hadn’t heard from Him since Brigham started his relationship with Red Clay (a relationship now referred to as “the unpleasantness”). Jesus told Brigham that God still had a place in His heart for Brigham, and that Brigham still had a destiny to fulfill. Moved by Jesus’ words (especially after Jesus told him he’d be able to marry as many broads as he wanted), Brigham resolved to go to Utah and found the Mormons.
Now that Constance had taken the baby away, Roswell Diabolicus was freaking out. Since he couldn’t use the baby’s divine powers to conquer the world, Roswell resolved to destroy the world instead. Gloating maniacally to himself, Roswell recalled that, back when he was hopped up on caffeine from Constance-Cola, he managed to construct his greatest weapon: The Rhode Island Cannon (as mentioned in the first two episodes, and completely forgotten since then). With a cannon capable of firing Rhode Island-sized cannonballs, he would only need 500 shots to destroy all the land mass on Earth. Roswell laughed diabolically.
Judge X was sleeping when Will McGotnuthin snuck into his room, cracking his whip to wake the Judge. Judge X was thrilled that Will, by breaking & entering, had finally given the Judge an excuse to put him away. Will replied that the Judge couldn’t put him away if he was dead…then threatened to hang himself with his whip.
JUDGE X: “No! Don’t throw it all away now! You’ve got many years ahead of you behind bars.”
Will realized that killing Judge X would be more beneficial than killing himself. Judge X warned Will that if he killed him, it only meant that Judge XI would take over the job, then Judge XII, then back again to Judge I, and so on. Suddenly, Brigham Young entered and pulled a gun on Judge X. Brigham explained that he realized that Will had turned his life around, and he couldn’t let Will throw his new life away. Since Brigham was leaving town anyway, he might as well take the heat off Will. With that, Brigham shot Judge X.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Constance was cleaning up the bar with her new invention, something she called “paper towels.” Jesus Christ entered and ordered a glass of water, which he immediately turned into wine. Realizing that she was in the presence of the savior, Constance fell at his feet. Constance told Jesus that she has no longer whoring since she removed her vagina. Jesus replied that he didn’t object to her former profession, reminding her that his girlfriend was a whore. Jesus then asked her to think about the child she conceived with Brigham Young. Constance admitted that she didn’t feel any connection to it, since Roswell Diabolicus had actually carried and given birth to the child. Jesus urged Constance to get the baby back and find that connection.
Brigham Young had just finished putting metal plates in the street (as part of Roswell’s diabolical invention “traffic”), when Judge X walked by. Judge X explained that he was aiming to take down Will McGotnuthin. However, being bound by the law, Judge X couldn’t take action unless Will actually broke the law. Brigham suggested provoking a duel with Will, so that Judge X could shoot Will after Will shoots Brigham.
Having previously taken over the mayor’s office, Trapper Jean expanded his power base by claiming the general store. Roswell Diabolicus arrived and accused Jean of betraying their alliance by moving in on Roswell’s territory. Jean explained that he was upset and neglected because they weren’t spending any quality evil time together. Suddenly, the mysterious stranger entered, and Roswell recognized him as his old arch-nemesis, Ass Masterson! Roswell had thought Ass had died years ago in a carriage explosion, but Ass replied that he had missed that carriage. Jean desperately demanded to know who really died in that explosion.
Will was teaching class, as Judge X watched through a hole in the wall. Trapper Jean strolled by and told Judge X that he was peeking through the wrong wall to see the boys’ locker room. Inside, Madeline entered to discuss the Judge X situation with Will. Madeline resented the Judge coming into town and overriding her authority. Will replied that she didn’t need to worry about Judge X. (MADELINE: “I wasn’t worried, I was getting ready to kick ass!”) Will explained that he was leaving town so that Judge X would leave Little One Point alone. Outside, Constance walked by and informed Judge X that word was getting around about his peeping-tom ways.
Constance was sitting around at home, singing “Happy Birthday” to herself. Brigham entered, and Constance told him about Jesus’ admonition to get the baby back from Roswell Diabolicus. Brigham revealed that he’d been thinking the same thing, and showed her the birthday present he’d brought…a little purple cowboy outfit for the baby. Brigham explained that he’d joined Roswell to dull the pain of his broken heart, but that he now realized he needed his child. He told her that they should raise the baby together and let it know both its parents…at least until Brigham leaves for Utah.
Trapper Jean continued to expand his empire by claiming the jail. Madeline entered and told him he couldn’t just waltz in and take things over. When Jean mockingly asked what she was going to do about it, she responded by locking him up.
Judge X followed relentlessly as Will went about his daily routine: the ice cream store, the dog track, the methadone clinic…
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was bonding with the baby when Constance arrived, on the pretext of showing Roswell her new invention. As she explained the concept of “paper towels,” Roswell pointed out how wasteful her invention was. Suddenly, Roswell realized that the potential damage to the environment would make Constance’s invention a great tool for evil. Roswell gave Constance a hug to congratulate her, and Constance took advantage of the distraction to snatch the baby.
Brigham Young was at the bar, all set to say his farewells to the town…except nobody was there to hear him. Jesus Christ entered and revealed his identity to Brigham. Brigham was still reeling from this revelation when Jesus explained that Brigham was chosen to be a prophet as well. Brigham confessed that his faith had been shaky recently. He used to talk to God constantly, but hadn’t heard from Him since Brigham started his relationship with Red Clay (a relationship now referred to as “the unpleasantness”). Jesus told Brigham that God still had a place in His heart for Brigham, and that Brigham still had a destiny to fulfill. Moved by Jesus’ words (especially after Jesus told him he’d be able to marry as many broads as he wanted), Brigham resolved to go to Utah and found the Mormons.
Now that Constance had taken the baby away, Roswell Diabolicus was freaking out. Since he couldn’t use the baby’s divine powers to conquer the world, Roswell resolved to destroy the world instead. Gloating maniacally to himself, Roswell recalled that, back when he was hopped up on caffeine from Constance-Cola, he managed to construct his greatest weapon: The Rhode Island Cannon (as mentioned in the first two episodes, and completely forgotten since then). With a cannon capable of firing Rhode Island-sized cannonballs, he would only need 500 shots to destroy all the land mass on Earth. Roswell laughed diabolically.
Judge X was sleeping when Will McGotnuthin snuck into his room, cracking his whip to wake the Judge. Judge X was thrilled that Will, by breaking & entering, had finally given the Judge an excuse to put him away. Will replied that the Judge couldn’t put him away if he was dead…then threatened to hang himself with his whip.
JUDGE X: “No! Don’t throw it all away now! You’ve got many years ahead of you behind bars.”
Will realized that killing Judge X would be more beneficial than killing himself. Judge X warned Will that if he killed him, it only meant that Judge XI would take over the job, then Judge XII, then back again to Judge I, and so on. Suddenly, Brigham Young entered and pulled a gun on Judge X. Brigham explained that he realized that Will had turned his life around, and he couldn’t let Will throw his new life away. Since Brigham was leaving town anyway, he might as well take the heat off Will. With that, Brigham shot Judge X.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Season 5, Episode 17: And There Shall Come a Savior
Episode 17: And There Shall Come a Savior
Having killed Hop Hop and disposed of the body, self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean was going over some paperwork in his office. Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived, looking for Hop Hop. Jean told her that Hop Hop had traveled further West to pursue his destiny. This explanation surprised Madeline, since she couldn’t imagine Hop Hop leaving so soon after starting his theater. Madeline was equally puzzled by the fact that Jean had declared himself mayor. She suggested that perhaps the mayor should be chosen by election, but then realized that was just foolish talk.
Constance was tending bar when the mysterious Judge X entered, searching for Will McGotnuthin. He explained that he was the tenth in a posse of the twelve toughest judges in the West, scouring the land to hunt down the country’s most notorious outlaws. Constance couldn’t believe that Will was a wanted man.
Roswell was singing “Rock-a-Bye Baby” to Brigham Young’s baby, which he had kidnapped in utero and given birth to himself. Brigham entered with a delivery of baby supplies from the general store. Since Brigham had lost the love of his life when he was forced to kill Red Clay, Brigham explained that he had nothing left to lose by joining Roswell. If joining the forces of evil was the price of being with his son, then so be it. Eagerly accepting his new ally, Roswell explained his latest evil plan…a new concept he called “traffic.”
Will McGotnuthin was teaching a French lesson when a mysterious heavenly music resounded through the room. Immediately afterwards, Jesus Christ entered. Not realizing the visitor’s identity, Will was initially hostile towards the stranger, but warmed up when Jesus spoke approvingly of the Montessori system. Will and Jesus came up with an idea of teaching lessons through metaphorical stories with animals. As an example, Jesus told a story involving a pair of bulls.
Judge X paid a visit to the mayor’s office, still searching for Will. Remembering the legend of the Twelve Judges, Jean was intimidated, but still told Judge X that he believed that Will was a changed man.
JUDGE X: “A horse doesn’t change its spots…unless you paint it.”
JEAN: “But zat is a horse of a different color.”
At high noon, a mysterious stranger arrived in Little One Point…a stranger wearing seatless pants, with the words “Love” and “Hate” tattooed on his cheeks.
Constance was napping in her room when Roswell Diabolicus entered and woke her up. Roswell explained that he needed her advice on taking care of the baby. He offered to return Constance’s reproductive system, since he was done with it now. However, since Constance had removed Roswell’s vagina (which he had switched with hers), she was now completely genital-free, and happy that way. She explained that it would be a lot easier for her to quit whoring now that she didn’t have a vagina. (Roswell’s response: “You’ve still got a mouth!”)
After launching Roswell’s evil “traffic” plan by filling the streets with carriages, holes, and metal plates, Brigham Young paid a visit to Red Clay’s campfire to mourn his loss. Jesus arrived (introducing himself as “Jessie Christianson”) and tried to make Brigham realize that he hadn’t yet lost EVERYTHING. Jesus told Brigham that he still had that joy deep inside his heart, but Brigham replied that he wanted to kill that joy, so it wouldn’t hurt him anymore. Jesus assured Brigham that he was still on the right path. Jesus touched Brigham’s forehead, and Brigham suddenly realized that he WASN’T supposed to go to Iowa (“NOBODY should go to Iowa!”).
Trying to figure out what to do about Trapper Jean’s seizing power, Madeline thought back over the town’s history. She realized that, if she could find the town charter, she’d learn how to take over the town herself and run it HER way…with lots of shops.
Trapper Jean was at the bar when the mysterious bare-assed stranger arrived. They shared a drink, and the stranger asked Jean if he was truly happy. Jean suddenly realized just how empty his life was. (“It is like you are reaching inside my brain and reading it like some kind of brain-book!”) The stranger explained that he had grown up in Little One Point, but it was even smaller then. At this point, Jean finally saw the stranger’s pantslessness and exclaimed “Jesus Christ!” Hearing his name, Jesus rushed in.
Will McGotnuthin was going over the lesson plans when Judge X entered. Judge X explained that he’d had a hard time finding him, thanks to Will’s clever disguise of changing the pronunciation (though not the spelling) of his name. Will recognized Judge X as the man who had sent Will’s sisters to jail. Will informed the judge that he had changed his ways and was on the straight and narrow. Judge X warned Will that he was watching and waiting for Will to make just one little misstep. Judge X “tested” Will by dropping a ten-dollar bill on the floor and waiting for him to steal it. When one of Will’s students picked it up instead, the judge whacked little Timmy with his gavel.
Roswell Diabolicus was doing some housework with Brigham’s baby when Jesus entered. Facing his arch-nemesis, Roswell bragged that neither Jesus nor his father had been able to stop his evil plans to date. Jesus told Roswell that there was still hope for him to find the path of righteousness. After all, if Roswell were truly as evil as he claimed, he would have simply smashed the baby’s skull. Roswell replied that he HAD tried that, but the baby was invulnerable. Roswell demonstrated with some wrestling moves.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having killed Hop Hop and disposed of the body, self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean was going over some paperwork in his office. Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived, looking for Hop Hop. Jean told her that Hop Hop had traveled further West to pursue his destiny. This explanation surprised Madeline, since she couldn’t imagine Hop Hop leaving so soon after starting his theater. Madeline was equally puzzled by the fact that Jean had declared himself mayor. She suggested that perhaps the mayor should be chosen by election, but then realized that was just foolish talk.
Constance was tending bar when the mysterious Judge X entered, searching for Will McGotnuthin. He explained that he was the tenth in a posse of the twelve toughest judges in the West, scouring the land to hunt down the country’s most notorious outlaws. Constance couldn’t believe that Will was a wanted man.
Roswell was singing “Rock-a-Bye Baby” to Brigham Young’s baby, which he had kidnapped in utero and given birth to himself. Brigham entered with a delivery of baby supplies from the general store. Since Brigham had lost the love of his life when he was forced to kill Red Clay, Brigham explained that he had nothing left to lose by joining Roswell. If joining the forces of evil was the price of being with his son, then so be it. Eagerly accepting his new ally, Roswell explained his latest evil plan…a new concept he called “traffic.”
Will McGotnuthin was teaching a French lesson when a mysterious heavenly music resounded through the room. Immediately afterwards, Jesus Christ entered. Not realizing the visitor’s identity, Will was initially hostile towards the stranger, but warmed up when Jesus spoke approvingly of the Montessori system. Will and Jesus came up with an idea of teaching lessons through metaphorical stories with animals. As an example, Jesus told a story involving a pair of bulls.
Judge X paid a visit to the mayor’s office, still searching for Will. Remembering the legend of the Twelve Judges, Jean was intimidated, but still told Judge X that he believed that Will was a changed man.
JUDGE X: “A horse doesn’t change its spots…unless you paint it.”
JEAN: “But zat is a horse of a different color.”
At high noon, a mysterious stranger arrived in Little One Point…a stranger wearing seatless pants, with the words “Love” and “Hate” tattooed on his cheeks.
Constance was napping in her room when Roswell Diabolicus entered and woke her up. Roswell explained that he needed her advice on taking care of the baby. He offered to return Constance’s reproductive system, since he was done with it now. However, since Constance had removed Roswell’s vagina (which he had switched with hers), she was now completely genital-free, and happy that way. She explained that it would be a lot easier for her to quit whoring now that she didn’t have a vagina. (Roswell’s response: “You’ve still got a mouth!”)
After launching Roswell’s evil “traffic” plan by filling the streets with carriages, holes, and metal plates, Brigham Young paid a visit to Red Clay’s campfire to mourn his loss. Jesus arrived (introducing himself as “Jessie Christianson”) and tried to make Brigham realize that he hadn’t yet lost EVERYTHING. Jesus told Brigham that he still had that joy deep inside his heart, but Brigham replied that he wanted to kill that joy, so it wouldn’t hurt him anymore. Jesus assured Brigham that he was still on the right path. Jesus touched Brigham’s forehead, and Brigham suddenly realized that he WASN’T supposed to go to Iowa (“NOBODY should go to Iowa!”).
Trying to figure out what to do about Trapper Jean’s seizing power, Madeline thought back over the town’s history. She realized that, if she could find the town charter, she’d learn how to take over the town herself and run it HER way…with lots of shops.
Trapper Jean was at the bar when the mysterious bare-assed stranger arrived. They shared a drink, and the stranger asked Jean if he was truly happy. Jean suddenly realized just how empty his life was. (“It is like you are reaching inside my brain and reading it like some kind of brain-book!”) The stranger explained that he had grown up in Little One Point, but it was even smaller then. At this point, Jean finally saw the stranger’s pantslessness and exclaimed “Jesus Christ!” Hearing his name, Jesus rushed in.
Will McGotnuthin was going over the lesson plans when Judge X entered. Judge X explained that he’d had a hard time finding him, thanks to Will’s clever disguise of changing the pronunciation (though not the spelling) of his name. Will recognized Judge X as the man who had sent Will’s sisters to jail. Will informed the judge that he had changed his ways and was on the straight and narrow. Judge X warned Will that he was watching and waiting for Will to make just one little misstep. Judge X “tested” Will by dropping a ten-dollar bill on the floor and waiting for him to steal it. When one of Will’s students picked it up instead, the judge whacked little Timmy with his gavel.
Roswell Diabolicus was doing some housework with Brigham’s baby when Jesus entered. Facing his arch-nemesis, Roswell bragged that neither Jesus nor his father had been able to stop his evil plans to date. Jesus told Roswell that there was still hope for him to find the path of righteousness. After all, if Roswell were truly as evil as he claimed, he would have simply smashed the baby’s skull. Roswell replied that he HAD tried that, but the baby was invulnerable. Roswell demonstrated with some wrestling moves.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, December 12, 2008
Season 5, Episode 16: Everybody Dies
Episode 16: Everybody Dies
Having stolen Constance’s reproductive system, Roswell Diabolicus was now carrying Brigham Young’s child. Brigham demanded his baby back, explaining that he had conceived that child for the divinely-ordained purpose of fathering the Mormons. In effect, that child was God’s child. This information only made Roswell more determined to keep the baby himself, so that he could corrupt it.
The revelation of Brigham’s infidelity had driven Red Clay onto the warpath, so he visited the general store to pick up some more war paint. Fantastic Sam came in and told Red Clay that he, too, was feeling a murderous mood. Suddenly, they heard an eerie noise and rushed outside to see some strange lights in the sky. Just as suddenly, the mysterious flying object disappeared, and they went back to their original conversation. Red Clay and Sam decided to steal a bunch of TNT from the store and blow up Little One Point.
Having been kicked out of office by Trapper Jean, ex-mayor Hop Hop was reduced to begging for change (and beer) on the street. Sheriff Madeline Clementine strolled by, her face covered with hideous sores. Madeline explained that, when God sent the plague of syphilis, she caught it…then she caught a double-dose when she slept with Trapper Jean. As she explained that the syphilis would soon drive her insane, Madeline suddenly started tap-dancing for no apparent reason. Fantastic Sam walked by, carrying a bundle of stolen supplies. Hop Hop begged for some spare food, and Sam gave him some moldy oranges. Hop Hop shared the oranges with the reluctant Madeline.
At the school, Will McGotnuthin was teaching atheism to his sole remaining student, Timmy. Trapper Jean entered and dismissed the class. Jean explained that he had appointed himself Mayor by claiming Hop Hop’s office in the name of French Canada.
WILL: “Then, I could claim it in the name of Willsville?”
JEAN: “Yes, but then I would likely shoot you dead, and it would revert to me.”
Jean told Will that he should start teaching about the wonders of France, but the school didn’t have an ‘F’ encyclopedia yet. Jean informed Will that he could provide the school with a complete set of encyclopedias. Impressed by Jean’s erudition, Will agreed to teach whatever Jean tells him to.
Hauling his bag of loot, Fantastic Sam was stopped by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell tried to take the supplies back, but didn’t have the strength to lift it. Sam mocked Roswell’s weakness and pulled a gun on him. In retaliation, Roswell harangued Sam for his cowardice and lack of commitment, until Sam broke down and turned the gun on himself. Roswell wrestled Sam to the ground, pinning him down until Sam passed out. Roswell put a case of TNT on Sam’s back and lit the fuse.
Madeline was recuperating at home, feeling slightly better since eating the moldy oranges. Trapper Jean entered, and Madeline bitterly complained that she had lived a decent, clean life until her liaison with Jean, whereas Jean had lived a dissolute life…and now she was dying, while Jean seemed as hale and hearty as ever. The madness came on her again, and she voiced her complaints in a musical number. (“There’s no one to blame but God and you, and God’s not here!”) Jean explained that he appeared so healthy because he knew two methods to stop the symptoms of syphilis. Madeline would need to find either the silver blood of a unicorn (unfortunately, they only live in France), or the placenta from a newborn child.
Red Clay consulted the Chipapoo spirits for advice on his warpath. Hop Hop passed by, and they commiserated over their betrayals by the white man. Red Clay told Hop Hop that he would burn Little One Point to the ground (since, according to the treaty, the town was his property anyway).
Brigham went to the saloon and told Will about his problems (“I got a woman pregnant, and my husband’s not happy about it”). Brigham feared that the jealous Red Clay would kill him and the whole town. Will reluctantly agreed to form yet another temporary alliance with Brigham. Will warned Brigham that this time, they would have to take out Red Clay permanently, or he would just come back stronger and angrier.
Fantastic Sam woke up and discovered the burning TNT on his back. He tried to kick it away, but was caught in the blast and apparently lost several limbs.
Madeline went to Castle Gayskull to ask Roswell Diabolicus for help with her illness.
ROSWELL: “You look like someone punched you in the face with a fistful of keys!”
MADELINE: “Worse than that…someone punched me in the crotch with a fistful of syphilis.”
Madeline was about to ask Roswell for a favor, when Roswell suddenly went into labor.
Trapper Jean was settling into his new home in the mayor’s office when Hop Hop arrived at the door. Discovering that the locks had changed, Hop Hop tricked his way in with a cunning ruse.
HOP HOP: “It’s the prumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!”
JEAN: “I did not know we had indoor plumbing!”
Once he was in the office, Hop Hop put on an impressive display of martial-arts prowess, skillfully and menacingly wielding his staff. In response, Trapper Jean simply shot Hop Hop.
Red Clay was setting fire to the town when Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin confronted him. Brigham tried to make amends with Red Clay, but Red Clay was too angry to accept his apology. His people had been betrayed by the white man too often for Red Clay to forgive. Red Clay drew his bow, and Brigham and Will drew their gun and whip (respectively) in response. Red Clay’s arrow missed, but Brigham’s bullet didn’t. Mortally wounded, Red Clay apologized for carrying his passion too far. Hearing the Chipapoo spirits calling him, Red Clay knew that he was dying. Brigham and Red Clay declared their love for each other one last time. Red Clay wanted to give Brigham the treaty that would grant him ownership of Little One Point, but died before he could reveal where it was hidden. Moved by the tender scene, Will (pausing only long enough to put out the fire) handed Red Clay’s arrow to Brigham. (“He meant for you to have this.”)
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having stolen Constance’s reproductive system, Roswell Diabolicus was now carrying Brigham Young’s child. Brigham demanded his baby back, explaining that he had conceived that child for the divinely-ordained purpose of fathering the Mormons. In effect, that child was God’s child. This information only made Roswell more determined to keep the baby himself, so that he could corrupt it.
The revelation of Brigham’s infidelity had driven Red Clay onto the warpath, so he visited the general store to pick up some more war paint. Fantastic Sam came in and told Red Clay that he, too, was feeling a murderous mood. Suddenly, they heard an eerie noise and rushed outside to see some strange lights in the sky. Just as suddenly, the mysterious flying object disappeared, and they went back to their original conversation. Red Clay and Sam decided to steal a bunch of TNT from the store and blow up Little One Point.
Having been kicked out of office by Trapper Jean, ex-mayor Hop Hop was reduced to begging for change (and beer) on the street. Sheriff Madeline Clementine strolled by, her face covered with hideous sores. Madeline explained that, when God sent the plague of syphilis, she caught it…then she caught a double-dose when she slept with Trapper Jean. As she explained that the syphilis would soon drive her insane, Madeline suddenly started tap-dancing for no apparent reason. Fantastic Sam walked by, carrying a bundle of stolen supplies. Hop Hop begged for some spare food, and Sam gave him some moldy oranges. Hop Hop shared the oranges with the reluctant Madeline.
At the school, Will McGotnuthin was teaching atheism to his sole remaining student, Timmy. Trapper Jean entered and dismissed the class. Jean explained that he had appointed himself Mayor by claiming Hop Hop’s office in the name of French Canada.
WILL: “Then, I could claim it in the name of Willsville?”
JEAN: “Yes, but then I would likely shoot you dead, and it would revert to me.”
Jean told Will that he should start teaching about the wonders of France, but the school didn’t have an ‘F’ encyclopedia yet. Jean informed Will that he could provide the school with a complete set of encyclopedias. Impressed by Jean’s erudition, Will agreed to teach whatever Jean tells him to.
Hauling his bag of loot, Fantastic Sam was stopped by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell tried to take the supplies back, but didn’t have the strength to lift it. Sam mocked Roswell’s weakness and pulled a gun on him. In retaliation, Roswell harangued Sam for his cowardice and lack of commitment, until Sam broke down and turned the gun on himself. Roswell wrestled Sam to the ground, pinning him down until Sam passed out. Roswell put a case of TNT on Sam’s back and lit the fuse.
Madeline was recuperating at home, feeling slightly better since eating the moldy oranges. Trapper Jean entered, and Madeline bitterly complained that she had lived a decent, clean life until her liaison with Jean, whereas Jean had lived a dissolute life…and now she was dying, while Jean seemed as hale and hearty as ever. The madness came on her again, and she voiced her complaints in a musical number. (“There’s no one to blame but God and you, and God’s not here!”) Jean explained that he appeared so healthy because he knew two methods to stop the symptoms of syphilis. Madeline would need to find either the silver blood of a unicorn (unfortunately, they only live in France), or the placenta from a newborn child.
Red Clay consulted the Chipapoo spirits for advice on his warpath. Hop Hop passed by, and they commiserated over their betrayals by the white man. Red Clay told Hop Hop that he would burn Little One Point to the ground (since, according to the treaty, the town was his property anyway).
Brigham went to the saloon and told Will about his problems (“I got a woman pregnant, and my husband’s not happy about it”). Brigham feared that the jealous Red Clay would kill him and the whole town. Will reluctantly agreed to form yet another temporary alliance with Brigham. Will warned Brigham that this time, they would have to take out Red Clay permanently, or he would just come back stronger and angrier.
Fantastic Sam woke up and discovered the burning TNT on his back. He tried to kick it away, but was caught in the blast and apparently lost several limbs.
Madeline went to Castle Gayskull to ask Roswell Diabolicus for help with her illness.
ROSWELL: “You look like someone punched you in the face with a fistful of keys!”
MADELINE: “Worse than that…someone punched me in the crotch with a fistful of syphilis.”
Madeline was about to ask Roswell for a favor, when Roswell suddenly went into labor.
Trapper Jean was settling into his new home in the mayor’s office when Hop Hop arrived at the door. Discovering that the locks had changed, Hop Hop tricked his way in with a cunning ruse.
HOP HOP: “It’s the prumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!”
JEAN: “I did not know we had indoor plumbing!”
Once he was in the office, Hop Hop put on an impressive display of martial-arts prowess, skillfully and menacingly wielding his staff. In response, Trapper Jean simply shot Hop Hop.
Red Clay was setting fire to the town when Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin confronted him. Brigham tried to make amends with Red Clay, but Red Clay was too angry to accept his apology. His people had been betrayed by the white man too often for Red Clay to forgive. Red Clay drew his bow, and Brigham and Will drew their gun and whip (respectively) in response. Red Clay’s arrow missed, but Brigham’s bullet didn’t. Mortally wounded, Red Clay apologized for carrying his passion too far. Hearing the Chipapoo spirits calling him, Red Clay knew that he was dying. Brigham and Red Clay declared their love for each other one last time. Red Clay wanted to give Brigham the treaty that would grant him ownership of Little One Point, but died before he could reveal where it was hidden. Moved by the tender scene, Will (pausing only long enough to put out the fire) handed Red Clay’s arrow to Brigham. (“He meant for you to have this.”)
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Season 5, Episode 15: The Wedding of the (19th) Century
Episode 15: The Wedding of the (19th) Century
Brigham Young visited the school to ask Will McGotnuthin for a favor.
BRIGHAM: “I know, every time I ask a favor, I promise I’ll leave town. Then I come back and ask for another favor.”
WILL: “Good thing I’m not up on pattern recognition.”
Brigham asked Will to perform the wedding ritual for him and Red Clay, since Will’s background as an actor made him the closest thing the town had to a preacher. Brigham promised (yet again) that after the wedding, they’d leave for Iowa.
After the lovin’, Hop Hop started singing to Constance. However, Constance had developed an extreme dislike for noise and light, as well as becoming disturbingly pale. Constance told Hop Hop that, since she recovered her stolen vagina from Roswell Diabolicus, it had been telling her to kill. Hop Hop examined her vagina, and reported that there were cobwebs, bats, and a little hunchbacked man inside.
Unbeknownst to Constance and Hop Hop, their encounter had been viewed by Roswell Diabolicus through his crystal ball. Roswell congratulated himself on substituting his vagina for Constance’s. Suddenly, Trapper Jean knocked on the castle door. They revealed their past history together: 15 years ago, Roswell won the castle from Trapper Jean, changing the name from Skank Mountain to Castle Gayskull. However, the castle still held one secret only Jean knew: the legendary Gray Sword, hidden and protected by Trapper Jean’s traps. Roswell noticed that Jean’s collection of pelts included Roswell’s previous pet bobcat, Mr. Toesy (Mr. Nosy’s predecessor). As the two old rivals faced each other, Jean suggested that, rather than waste time fighting, they should work to rule the world together.
Red Clay consulted with the Chipapoo spirits for advice on the wedding ritual. He had the bull to sacrifice, a thousand doves to set free, and a wine glass to stomp on. All that was left was his gift for Brigham.
At the saloon, Constance told Will McGotnuthin that she’d started to grow apathetic to all her former interests. Suddenly, her vagina started telling her to kill him. She pulled a gun on him, but her vagina changed its mind and told her to seduce him instead. Will screamed as Constance straddled him.
After Hop Hop and Trapper Jean rehearsed a musical number for the ceremony, Jean told Hop Hop that he was thinking of settling down in Little One Point. Hop Hop suggested that Jean find a place to live in the classic American way…find a place, kick out the occupants, and stake a claim. Taking his advice, Jean knocked out Hop Hop.
Trying to decide on a place for the wedding, Red Clay suggested they hold it over the Chipapoo burial ground, where the general store now stands. Red Clay explained that they would need two medicine men to perform the ceremony. Will would be Brigham’s minister, and Trapper Jean would be Red Clay’s. He then explained that they would need to reveal their “secret names” (usually discovered during the peyote ritual). Brigham didn’t have time to take peyote, but did have an embarrassing nickname from his youth…”The Purple Poke,” or “Pokey” for short. Red Clay’s secret name was “Dog Eating Its Own Poo.”
Roswell walked by the unconscious Hop Hop…and kept on walking.
Trapper Jean and Will were going over the service, though Will was feeling strange since his encounter with Constance. (Plus, half of his face had gone pale.) As Jean explained the ceremony, a voice from Will’s crotch told him to kiss Jean.
WILL: “I’m not gay…but my penis is telling me to kiss you.”
JEAN: “I fear that my penis is telling me not to let that happen.”
At the store, Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory when Constance entered. Since Roswell switched vaginas with her, they were assuming each other’s personality traits…plus, Constance had started to grow a beard like Roswell’s. Roswell informed her that he’d taken not only her vagina, but her entire reproductive system…and was now carrying her baby. Constance pulled a gun and demanded her vagina back. Roswell grabbed the gun, shoved it down his pants, and declared “If I can’t have your vagina, no one will!” Then he fired.
Red Clay and Brigham were going over the ceremony with the two preachers, though Brigham was distracted by Will’s bizarre transformation. Suddenly, Will’s penis ordered him to kiss Red Clay. Will did so, right in front of Brigham.
Hop Hop threw a bachelor party for Brigham, presenting him with a wedding fortune cookie (“You must look into people as well as at them.”). The party stripper, Constance, arrived. Brigham was dismayed by the debauchery, not to mention Constance’s beard. Hop Hop suggested that Brigham follow the cookie’s advice and look into Constance.
Finally, the big moment arrived. Trapper Jean and Will (whose face had cleared up since kissing Red Clay) began the ceremony. Red Clay arrived, walking up the aisle in a dress and veil. After exchanging rings (cock rings, actually), Jean pronounced them man and man. Red Clay and Brigham kissed. Suddenly, Roswell Diabolicus stormed in, announcing that the baby he’s carrying is Brigham’s child!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Brigham Young visited the school to ask Will McGotnuthin for a favor.
BRIGHAM: “I know, every time I ask a favor, I promise I’ll leave town. Then I come back and ask for another favor.”
WILL: “Good thing I’m not up on pattern recognition.”
Brigham asked Will to perform the wedding ritual for him and Red Clay, since Will’s background as an actor made him the closest thing the town had to a preacher. Brigham promised (yet again) that after the wedding, they’d leave for Iowa.
After the lovin’, Hop Hop started singing to Constance. However, Constance had developed an extreme dislike for noise and light, as well as becoming disturbingly pale. Constance told Hop Hop that, since she recovered her stolen vagina from Roswell Diabolicus, it had been telling her to kill. Hop Hop examined her vagina, and reported that there were cobwebs, bats, and a little hunchbacked man inside.
Unbeknownst to Constance and Hop Hop, their encounter had been viewed by Roswell Diabolicus through his crystal ball. Roswell congratulated himself on substituting his vagina for Constance’s. Suddenly, Trapper Jean knocked on the castle door. They revealed their past history together: 15 years ago, Roswell won the castle from Trapper Jean, changing the name from Skank Mountain to Castle Gayskull. However, the castle still held one secret only Jean knew: the legendary Gray Sword, hidden and protected by Trapper Jean’s traps. Roswell noticed that Jean’s collection of pelts included Roswell’s previous pet bobcat, Mr. Toesy (Mr. Nosy’s predecessor). As the two old rivals faced each other, Jean suggested that, rather than waste time fighting, they should work to rule the world together.
Red Clay consulted with the Chipapoo spirits for advice on the wedding ritual. He had the bull to sacrifice, a thousand doves to set free, and a wine glass to stomp on. All that was left was his gift for Brigham.
At the saloon, Constance told Will McGotnuthin that she’d started to grow apathetic to all her former interests. Suddenly, her vagina started telling her to kill him. She pulled a gun on him, but her vagina changed its mind and told her to seduce him instead. Will screamed as Constance straddled him.
After Hop Hop and Trapper Jean rehearsed a musical number for the ceremony, Jean told Hop Hop that he was thinking of settling down in Little One Point. Hop Hop suggested that Jean find a place to live in the classic American way…find a place, kick out the occupants, and stake a claim. Taking his advice, Jean knocked out Hop Hop.
Trying to decide on a place for the wedding, Red Clay suggested they hold it over the Chipapoo burial ground, where the general store now stands. Red Clay explained that they would need two medicine men to perform the ceremony. Will would be Brigham’s minister, and Trapper Jean would be Red Clay’s. He then explained that they would need to reveal their “secret names” (usually discovered during the peyote ritual). Brigham didn’t have time to take peyote, but did have an embarrassing nickname from his youth…”The Purple Poke,” or “Pokey” for short. Red Clay’s secret name was “Dog Eating Its Own Poo.”
Roswell walked by the unconscious Hop Hop…and kept on walking.
Trapper Jean and Will were going over the service, though Will was feeling strange since his encounter with Constance. (Plus, half of his face had gone pale.) As Jean explained the ceremony, a voice from Will’s crotch told him to kiss Jean.
WILL: “I’m not gay…but my penis is telling me to kiss you.”
JEAN: “I fear that my penis is telling me not to let that happen.”
At the store, Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory when Constance entered. Since Roswell switched vaginas with her, they were assuming each other’s personality traits…plus, Constance had started to grow a beard like Roswell’s. Roswell informed her that he’d taken not only her vagina, but her entire reproductive system…and was now carrying her baby. Constance pulled a gun and demanded her vagina back. Roswell grabbed the gun, shoved it down his pants, and declared “If I can’t have your vagina, no one will!” Then he fired.
Red Clay and Brigham were going over the ceremony with the two preachers, though Brigham was distracted by Will’s bizarre transformation. Suddenly, Will’s penis ordered him to kiss Red Clay. Will did so, right in front of Brigham.
Hop Hop threw a bachelor party for Brigham, presenting him with a wedding fortune cookie (“You must look into people as well as at them.”). The party stripper, Constance, arrived. Brigham was dismayed by the debauchery, not to mention Constance’s beard. Hop Hop suggested that Brigham follow the cookie’s advice and look into Constance.
Finally, the big moment arrived. Trapper Jean and Will (whose face had cleared up since kissing Red Clay) began the ceremony. Red Clay arrived, walking up the aisle in a dress and veil. After exchanging rings (cock rings, actually), Jean pronounced them man and man. Red Clay and Brigham kissed. Suddenly, Roswell Diabolicus stormed in, announcing that the baby he’s carrying is Brigham’s child!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Season 5, Episode 14: The Case of the Missing...Well, Just Read It for Yourself
Episode 14: The Case of the Missing…Well, Just Read It for Yourself
Sheriff Madeline Clementine went to see Roswell Diabolicus to inform her biological father about her new ambition to be an actress. Roswell replied that he knew about her role in “Our Chinese Cousin,” as he was the play’s producer. He explained that he had funded Hop Hop’s play as part of an elaborate plan to get revenge on Abraham Lincoln by shooting him while he was distracted by the show. Madeline pointed out that, besides it being a bad idea to confess his criminal plans to the sheriff, somebody else had already beaten him to it. Roswell has distraught that his first truly evil plan in ages had been spoiled.
Brigham was out in the woods when Trapper Jean wandered by. Trapper Jean could see that Brigham was troubled, and Brigham explained that he has having difficulties with his relationship with Red Clay, complicated by the fact that they were both hiding from their gods. When Trapper Jean realized that Brigham’s life partner was Native American, Jean warned him that the Indians betrayed Jean’s people during the French & Indian War. However, he was willing to give Red Clay the benefit of the doubt.
Red Clay snuck into the saloon to pick up supplies. Constance Snell gladly provided them, even though she disapproved of Red Clay’s gay lifestyle. She told Red Clay about the life of Jesus, and Red Clay remarked that Jesus sounded very similar to Brigham. Red Clay then extolled Brigham’s virtues in a song.
Fantastic Sam stopped by the general store and told Roswell that he had been terrible in the play, having forgotten all his lines. Roswell and Sam went off on a discourse about the history of theater, and the way their lives seemed to play out like the same scene repeated over and over. Sam resolved to break the pattern by going “outside the lines” and stepping out into the audience.
Madeline ran into Trapper Jean in the woods, and was quickly charmed by his Gallic charm. They went inside his tent, and he offered her a seat on his fainting couch.
MADELINE: “I don’t faint, but I recline with the best of them.”
Hop Hop gave Will McGotnuthin a check for 14 cents as payment for his work on the play. Will gratefully replied that he would use the money to buy a ‘D’ encyclopedia for the school. Hop Hop was taken aback to learn that they still didn’t have that volume, and asked how the kids could get ‘D’ grades if they didn’t understand the concept of ‘D.’ Will explained that there were no grades in the Montessori system, and Hop Hop was horrified. Without grades, their school couldn’t be ranked against other schools, and Hop Hop couldn’t get kickbacks. Hop Hop insisted that Will institute a grading system, but Will stood by his principles.
Later that night, Will McGotnuthin secretly visited Abraham Lincoln’s grave and started digging. Fantastic Sam arrived, having had the same idea. Sam believed that Lincoln had arranged the shooting in order to fake his own death. As they dug, a ghostly voice asked, “Who disturbs the grave of Babraham Crinklin?” Realizing that the grave was not Lincoln’s, Sam warned Will that the real Lincoln may be anywhere…possibly having changed his appearance and assumed a new name.
Trapper Jean sang a post-coital ballad to Madeline, then left.
Beside the campfire, Brigham Young and Red Clay started to argue about Brigham’s difficulty in adjusting to their new lifestyle in the woods. Trapper Jean arrived, but when he saw Red Clay, he pulled his gun. As far as Jean was concerned, the French & Indian War was still on. Red Clay pulled his bow on Jean. Confused as to how to handle the situation, Brigham pulled his guns on both of them.
Hop Hop paid a visit to Constance, but was surprised when her greeting lacked its usual enthusiasm. Constance explained that she just didn’t have any passion anymore…somehow, she had lost her fantastic vagina! Hop Hop speculated that her new ambitions as an inventor and actress might have dulled her interest in her old trade, but she insisted that she had literally lost her vagina. Hop Hop pulled out a fortune cookie to find out what to do, and learned that “Silence is sometimes the best answer.”
The three-way standoff between Brigham, Red Clay, and Trapper Jean was interrupted when Constance and Hop Hop rode by, searching for Constance’s vagina. The bizarre intrusion defused the tension, and everyone put down their weapons. Jean advised Red Clay and Brigham to get their issues out in the open in order to revitalize their relationship. Jean suggested they spice up their love life with role-playing, or by making love in unusual places (such as Castle Gayskull). Brigham remained unconvinced that their relationship could be salvaged.
Constance arrived at Castle Gayskull and discovered that Roswell Diabolicus had stolen her vagina. Roswell explained that his life had been ruined by his addiction to the beverage she’d invented, Constance Cola. He wanted her to destroy the formula so it couldn’t do any more damage, and was holding her vagina hostage until she met his demands. Undaunted, Constance whistled, and her vagina came rushing back under her skirt.
CONSTANCE: “If you want a vagina so much, maybe you should make yourself one in this lab of yours!”
ROSWELL: “Well, if you’d remember from a few weeks ago, I HAVE a vagina! I’m a hermaphrodite, with a penis and a vagina. Have you forgotten?”
Disheartened by Constance’s victory, Roswell dismissed her…pausing only to cast doubt on whether it was really HER vagina she’d reclaimed.
Trapper Jean was sleeping in his tent when Madeline Clementine entered, royally pissed-off by his leaving her earlier. Vindictively, she arrested him for shooting Lincoln. Jean grabbed Madeline’s gun “Priscilla,” but Priscilla remained loyal to her owner…even in Jean’s hand, the gun stayed pointed at Jean. Pleading for his life, Jean explained that the shooting was a hoax planned by Lincoln himself. Madeline apologized for believing that Jean was a killer. Then she informed him that he now had syphilis.
As Red Clay sat by the campfire, Brigham arrived, dressed in a French maid outfit (provided by Trapper Jean). Brigham was prepared to put aside his doubts and work to save their relationship. Touched by Brigham’s devotion, Red Clay got down on one knee and asked to marry Brigham in a traditional Chipapoo ceremony. Brigham accepted.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sheriff Madeline Clementine went to see Roswell Diabolicus to inform her biological father about her new ambition to be an actress. Roswell replied that he knew about her role in “Our Chinese Cousin,” as he was the play’s producer. He explained that he had funded Hop Hop’s play as part of an elaborate plan to get revenge on Abraham Lincoln by shooting him while he was distracted by the show. Madeline pointed out that, besides it being a bad idea to confess his criminal plans to the sheriff, somebody else had already beaten him to it. Roswell has distraught that his first truly evil plan in ages had been spoiled.
Brigham was out in the woods when Trapper Jean wandered by. Trapper Jean could see that Brigham was troubled, and Brigham explained that he has having difficulties with his relationship with Red Clay, complicated by the fact that they were both hiding from their gods. When Trapper Jean realized that Brigham’s life partner was Native American, Jean warned him that the Indians betrayed Jean’s people during the French & Indian War. However, he was willing to give Red Clay the benefit of the doubt.
Red Clay snuck into the saloon to pick up supplies. Constance Snell gladly provided them, even though she disapproved of Red Clay’s gay lifestyle. She told Red Clay about the life of Jesus, and Red Clay remarked that Jesus sounded very similar to Brigham. Red Clay then extolled Brigham’s virtues in a song.
Fantastic Sam stopped by the general store and told Roswell that he had been terrible in the play, having forgotten all his lines. Roswell and Sam went off on a discourse about the history of theater, and the way their lives seemed to play out like the same scene repeated over and over. Sam resolved to break the pattern by going “outside the lines” and stepping out into the audience.
Madeline ran into Trapper Jean in the woods, and was quickly charmed by his Gallic charm. They went inside his tent, and he offered her a seat on his fainting couch.
MADELINE: “I don’t faint, but I recline with the best of them.”
Hop Hop gave Will McGotnuthin a check for 14 cents as payment for his work on the play. Will gratefully replied that he would use the money to buy a ‘D’ encyclopedia for the school. Hop Hop was taken aback to learn that they still didn’t have that volume, and asked how the kids could get ‘D’ grades if they didn’t understand the concept of ‘D.’ Will explained that there were no grades in the Montessori system, and Hop Hop was horrified. Without grades, their school couldn’t be ranked against other schools, and Hop Hop couldn’t get kickbacks. Hop Hop insisted that Will institute a grading system, but Will stood by his principles.
Later that night, Will McGotnuthin secretly visited Abraham Lincoln’s grave and started digging. Fantastic Sam arrived, having had the same idea. Sam believed that Lincoln had arranged the shooting in order to fake his own death. As they dug, a ghostly voice asked, “Who disturbs the grave of Babraham Crinklin?” Realizing that the grave was not Lincoln’s, Sam warned Will that the real Lincoln may be anywhere…possibly having changed his appearance and assumed a new name.
Trapper Jean sang a post-coital ballad to Madeline, then left.
Beside the campfire, Brigham Young and Red Clay started to argue about Brigham’s difficulty in adjusting to their new lifestyle in the woods. Trapper Jean arrived, but when he saw Red Clay, he pulled his gun. As far as Jean was concerned, the French & Indian War was still on. Red Clay pulled his bow on Jean. Confused as to how to handle the situation, Brigham pulled his guns on both of them.
Hop Hop paid a visit to Constance, but was surprised when her greeting lacked its usual enthusiasm. Constance explained that she just didn’t have any passion anymore…somehow, she had lost her fantastic vagina! Hop Hop speculated that her new ambitions as an inventor and actress might have dulled her interest in her old trade, but she insisted that she had literally lost her vagina. Hop Hop pulled out a fortune cookie to find out what to do, and learned that “Silence is sometimes the best answer.”
The three-way standoff between Brigham, Red Clay, and Trapper Jean was interrupted when Constance and Hop Hop rode by, searching for Constance’s vagina. The bizarre intrusion defused the tension, and everyone put down their weapons. Jean advised Red Clay and Brigham to get their issues out in the open in order to revitalize their relationship. Jean suggested they spice up their love life with role-playing, or by making love in unusual places (such as Castle Gayskull). Brigham remained unconvinced that their relationship could be salvaged.
Constance arrived at Castle Gayskull and discovered that Roswell Diabolicus had stolen her vagina. Roswell explained that his life had been ruined by his addiction to the beverage she’d invented, Constance Cola. He wanted her to destroy the formula so it couldn’t do any more damage, and was holding her vagina hostage until she met his demands. Undaunted, Constance whistled, and her vagina came rushing back under her skirt.
CONSTANCE: “If you want a vagina so much, maybe you should make yourself one in this lab of yours!”
ROSWELL: “Well, if you’d remember from a few weeks ago, I HAVE a vagina! I’m a hermaphrodite, with a penis and a vagina. Have you forgotten?”
Disheartened by Constance’s victory, Roswell dismissed her…pausing only to cast doubt on whether it was really HER vagina she’d reclaimed.
Trapper Jean was sleeping in his tent when Madeline Clementine entered, royally pissed-off by his leaving her earlier. Vindictively, she arrested him for shooting Lincoln. Jean grabbed Madeline’s gun “Priscilla,” but Priscilla remained loyal to her owner…even in Jean’s hand, the gun stayed pointed at Jean. Pleading for his life, Jean explained that the shooting was a hoax planned by Lincoln himself. Madeline apologized for believing that Jean was a killer. Then she informed him that he now had syphilis.
As Red Clay sat by the campfire, Brigham arrived, dressed in a French maid outfit (provided by Trapper Jean). Brigham was prepared to put aside his doubts and work to save their relationship. Touched by Brigham’s devotion, Red Clay got down on one knee and asked to marry Brigham in a traditional Chipapoo ceremony. Brigham accepted.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Season 5, Episode 13: Sockdologizing Old Mantrap
Episode 13: Sockdologizing Old Mantrap
Will McGotnuthin pled with Hop Hop to give him back his teaching position. Hop Hop agreed, even though Will had never actually LOST his job.
HOP HOP: “I don’t remember firing you…I remember kicking your ass!”
WILL: “I interpreted that as firing.”
Now that that was cleared up, Hop Hop asked Will to star in Hop Hop’s new play, “Our Chinese Cousin,” the story of an emperor who changes places with his identical cousin in order to experience common life. As soon as Hop Hop offered him the part, Will had a flashback to his days with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe.
In the jail, Red Clay gave Brigham Young some flowers he’d picked through the window. Brigham was torn with guilt over the plagues God was sending over their forbidden love, but Red Clay didn’t care. They decided to escape and leave Little One Point together.
Since Fantastic Sam’s barbershop burned down, Constance came to Sam’s house to trim her braid. Afterwards, Constance remarked that she couldn’t pay him with money. Sam wasn’t concerned, since he’d gotten $61 from his insurance. Constance explained that she’d been offering to pay him another way, reminding him of their times together when she thought he was a horse.
Abraham Lincoln visited Roswell Diabolicus, explaining that he’d had to drop Sam’s lawsuit against Roswell when he learned that Sam was lying about being a horse. However, Lincoln was bringing a new case against him on general principles (not to mention the fact that Roswell abandoned Lincoln after fathering him).
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was strolling along when Hop Hop arrived and offered her a part in “Our Chinese Cousin.” She would be playing the palace courtesan who finds true love with the substitute emperor. Madeline was intrigued with the idea of playing someone so unlike herself, and started improvising some dialogue. The rehearsal was overheard by a mysterious stranger, who introduced himself as the French fur trapper Trapper Jean.
Having snuck out of his cell once again, Brigham Young visited Will McGotnuthin at the general store. Brigham asked Will to help break Red Clay out of jail too, but Will was upset that Brigham didn’t follow through with taking revenge on Roswell Diabolicus after last week’s jailbreak. Brigham promised Will that if he helped Red Clay escape, the two of them would leave Little One Point and never return. Will accepted the offer.
Fantastic Sam was strolling down 2nd Avenue, reveling in his new wealth and pimpin’ threads. Sam explained to a puzzled Abraham Lincoln that he’d found a loophole in the law, and was insuring things that weren’t even his. Deeply disappointed by his former client’s behavior, Lincoln told Sam that they couldn’t be friends anymore. Lincoln then served Sam with a subpoena for insurance fraud.
Constance was tending bar when Trapper Jean entered. She poured him a drink of her new invention, Constance Cola. Jean was impressed (“Zut alors! Zat is, how you say, tasty fucking beverage!”), but could see that she was troubled. Constance explained that she wrote to her family to share the good news of her success, but they wrote back calling her a whore. Jean sympathized with her plight.
TRAPPER JEAN: “Ah, ma cherie…if ravens had not eaten my tear ducts, I would cry.”
Hop Hop paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus, inviting him to produce the play. Roswell agreed, if Hop Hop would help him with a project of his own. Roswell explained that the plagues were God’s punishment on homosexuality, and he’d devised a plan to put all the gays in one place so the rest of the town would be safe. Showing Hop Hop a map, Roswell pointed out an area shaped like a buck’s head, and proposed sending all the gays there. Hop Hop suggested they instead put all the gays in the middle of the city…mid-town, as it were.
Madeline visited Red Clay’s cell to see whether Red Clay was willing to leave Brigham to her in exchange for his freedom. Before Red Clay could answer, Brigham snuck back into his cell and found himself face to face with Madeline. Madeline pled with Brigham to take things back to the way they were before Brigham left her for Red Clay. However, Brigham stood by his love for Red Clay. Heartbroken, Madeline opened their cells and told the two of them to leave.
Fantastic Sam and Constance were rehearsing a scene from “Our Chinese Cousin,” with Hop Hop directing and Lincoln watching from a balcony seat. Lincoln kept disrupting the rehearsal with his constant side-coaching, until Hop Hop yelled at him to leave the directing to him. As Sam and Constance rehearsed their scene, Trapper Jean quietly snuck up behind Lincoln and shot him in the head. As everyone reacted in shock, the assassin revealed his full name…Trapper Jean Wilkes Booth!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Will McGotnuthin pled with Hop Hop to give him back his teaching position. Hop Hop agreed, even though Will had never actually LOST his job.
HOP HOP: “I don’t remember firing you…I remember kicking your ass!”
WILL: “I interpreted that as firing.”
Now that that was cleared up, Hop Hop asked Will to star in Hop Hop’s new play, “Our Chinese Cousin,” the story of an emperor who changes places with his identical cousin in order to experience common life. As soon as Hop Hop offered him the part, Will had a flashback to his days with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe.
In the jail, Red Clay gave Brigham Young some flowers he’d picked through the window. Brigham was torn with guilt over the plagues God was sending over their forbidden love, but Red Clay didn’t care. They decided to escape and leave Little One Point together.
Since Fantastic Sam’s barbershop burned down, Constance came to Sam’s house to trim her braid. Afterwards, Constance remarked that she couldn’t pay him with money. Sam wasn’t concerned, since he’d gotten $61 from his insurance. Constance explained that she’d been offering to pay him another way, reminding him of their times together when she thought he was a horse.
Abraham Lincoln visited Roswell Diabolicus, explaining that he’d had to drop Sam’s lawsuit against Roswell when he learned that Sam was lying about being a horse. However, Lincoln was bringing a new case against him on general principles (not to mention the fact that Roswell abandoned Lincoln after fathering him).
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was strolling along when Hop Hop arrived and offered her a part in “Our Chinese Cousin.” She would be playing the palace courtesan who finds true love with the substitute emperor. Madeline was intrigued with the idea of playing someone so unlike herself, and started improvising some dialogue. The rehearsal was overheard by a mysterious stranger, who introduced himself as the French fur trapper Trapper Jean.
Having snuck out of his cell once again, Brigham Young visited Will McGotnuthin at the general store. Brigham asked Will to help break Red Clay out of jail too, but Will was upset that Brigham didn’t follow through with taking revenge on Roswell Diabolicus after last week’s jailbreak. Brigham promised Will that if he helped Red Clay escape, the two of them would leave Little One Point and never return. Will accepted the offer.
Fantastic Sam was strolling down 2nd Avenue, reveling in his new wealth and pimpin’ threads. Sam explained to a puzzled Abraham Lincoln that he’d found a loophole in the law, and was insuring things that weren’t even his. Deeply disappointed by his former client’s behavior, Lincoln told Sam that they couldn’t be friends anymore. Lincoln then served Sam with a subpoena for insurance fraud.
Constance was tending bar when Trapper Jean entered. She poured him a drink of her new invention, Constance Cola. Jean was impressed (“Zut alors! Zat is, how you say, tasty fucking beverage!”), but could see that she was troubled. Constance explained that she wrote to her family to share the good news of her success, but they wrote back calling her a whore. Jean sympathized with her plight.
TRAPPER JEAN: “Ah, ma cherie…if ravens had not eaten my tear ducts, I would cry.”
Hop Hop paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus, inviting him to produce the play. Roswell agreed, if Hop Hop would help him with a project of his own. Roswell explained that the plagues were God’s punishment on homosexuality, and he’d devised a plan to put all the gays in one place so the rest of the town would be safe. Showing Hop Hop a map, Roswell pointed out an area shaped like a buck’s head, and proposed sending all the gays there. Hop Hop suggested they instead put all the gays in the middle of the city…mid-town, as it were.
Madeline visited Red Clay’s cell to see whether Red Clay was willing to leave Brigham to her in exchange for his freedom. Before Red Clay could answer, Brigham snuck back into his cell and found himself face to face with Madeline. Madeline pled with Brigham to take things back to the way they were before Brigham left her for Red Clay. However, Brigham stood by his love for Red Clay. Heartbroken, Madeline opened their cells and told the two of them to leave.
Fantastic Sam and Constance were rehearsing a scene from “Our Chinese Cousin,” with Hop Hop directing and Lincoln watching from a balcony seat. Lincoln kept disrupting the rehearsal with his constant side-coaching, until Hop Hop yelled at him to leave the directing to him. As Sam and Constance rehearsed their scene, Trapper Jean quietly snuck up behind Lincoln and shot him in the head. As everyone reacted in shock, the assassin revealed his full name…Trapper Jean Wilkes Booth!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, December 8, 2008
Season 5, Episode 12: It's the Real Thing
Episode 12: It’s the Real Thing
Sheriff Madeline Clementine led Red Clay back to his cell, where he was being held for public indecency for going around without pants. Red Clay defended himself by explaining that in Chipapoo culture, pants are indecent. Madeline offered to free Red Clay if he’d promise never to see Brigham Young again.
RED CLAY: “Sheriff, your motives painfully clear now.”
MADELINE: “Were they not clear before?”
Will McGotnuthin returned to the school just as substitute teacher Fantastic Sam dismissed the class. Sam explained that he’s just not cut out for teaching, but Will urged him to hang in there until Will got his job back. Sam agreed, as long as Will would stop teaching the theory of “evilution,” and start teaching that man is intrinsically good. However, Will had seen too much evil up close (in the form of his evil sisters) to believe that.
At the bar, Constance was tremendously excited because she’d just invented a new beverage. When Roswell Diabolicus came in to find out what all the noise was about, Constance explained her new concoction. When she got a stomachache, she fixed herself some bicarbonate of soda & water, then added sugar and syrup for flavor. As a finishing touch, she added some coffee for a caffeine kick. Roswell sampled her invention and declared it to be “fucking delicious!”
Hop Hop paid a visit to Brigham Young in his prison cell, where Brigham was also doing time for public indecency.
BRIGHAM: “I’m in jail for love.”
HOP HOP: “You in jail for running around with you man-boobs hanging out!”
Brigham explained that his love for Red Clay had led him to turn his back on his mission from God. As punishment, God had cursed Little One Point with plagues of buzzards, frogs, and wine (though they weren’t sure that last one was meant as a plague). The fourth plague of syphilis would be coming soon.
Will went to Madeline’s office. He explained that, during his drinking days, he’d been fired for messing up the kids’ heads. Now that he’d sobered up, he had two dreams… going back to teaching, and getting revenge on Roswell Diabolicus. He needed a posse to get Roswell, and he needed a sharpshooter for that posse. Will pleaded with Madeline to release Brigham Young.
Around the abandoned campfire, the Chipapoo spirits called out to Red Clay. They were joined by the voice of God, who was searching for Brigham. Despite being omniscient, for some reason they couldn’t find Brigham and Red Clay. To make matters worse, God was running out of ideas for plagues. Finally, they decided to burn Atlanta unless Brigham and Red Clay called off their love.
Hopped up on caffeine, Roswell Diabolicus was stocking the store’s shelves at super-speed. His mind was racing with plans for Constance’s new beverage, such as adding cocaine to make it even more addictive. Fantastic Sam arrived to buy supplies. The father and son argued over Roswell’s commitment to evil, and Sam’s lack of commitment to anything. Eventually, the fight turned into a teary-eyed moment.
Later on, Roswell was cleaning up at Castle Gayskull when Constance arrived, asking for more bicarbonate of soda for her recipe. Roswell agreed to supply her with all the ingredients she needs, in return for which he’ll own the rights to the beverage and get all the profits. They tossed around some possible names for the drink, including “Constance Cola.”
Red Clay was passing the time in his cell by singing a traditional Chipapoo hunting song, when Hop Hop rode in (throwing away his horse afterwards). As Hop Hop explained about the plagues besetting Little One Point, a buzzard fell from the sky. Hop Hop took the buzzard and started nursing it back to health. Hop Hop pointed out the contradiction between Red Clay’s disdain for the white man and his love of Brigham Young (similar to the contradiction of Hop Hop’s caring for the buzzard and disregard for the horse). Hop Hop gave Red Clay a fortune cookie to determine the future: “You will have a lot of fun this weekend.”
Madeline was relaxing in her room when a distraught Fantastic Sam entered. Sam explained that he wanted revenge on Roswell, but didn’t want to side with Will. As he pondered coming up with a plan to double-cross Will, Madeline took him to task for being so self-centered.
MADELINE: “Sam, why is it always about YOU?”
SAM: “I’m at the center of my universe!”
Brigham Young was singing in his cell when Will McGotnuthin entered. They agreed to put aside their feud and have an uneasy truce while they hunt down Roswell. Will used his whip to yank the window out of the wall. Brigham escaped his cell, but explained that he needed to be back by evening to reunite with Red Clay.
The hyperactive Roswell had just finished writing his third book of really bad poetry when he started to come down from his caffeine high. Roswell ordered his new companion/power pet, Dreidel Boy, to guard the castle during his weakness. Suddenly, Brigham and Will burst in and shot Dreidel Boy. Before they could confront Roswell, Constance arrived with a six-pack of “Constance Cola.” Lying helpless on the floor, Roswell pleaded with her to pour a bottle into his mouth. She did so, and the revitalized Roswell leapt to his feet.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sheriff Madeline Clementine led Red Clay back to his cell, where he was being held for public indecency for going around without pants. Red Clay defended himself by explaining that in Chipapoo culture, pants are indecent. Madeline offered to free Red Clay if he’d promise never to see Brigham Young again.
RED CLAY: “Sheriff, your motives painfully clear now.”
MADELINE: “Were they not clear before?”
Will McGotnuthin returned to the school just as substitute teacher Fantastic Sam dismissed the class. Sam explained that he’s just not cut out for teaching, but Will urged him to hang in there until Will got his job back. Sam agreed, as long as Will would stop teaching the theory of “evilution,” and start teaching that man is intrinsically good. However, Will had seen too much evil up close (in the form of his evil sisters) to believe that.
At the bar, Constance was tremendously excited because she’d just invented a new beverage. When Roswell Diabolicus came in to find out what all the noise was about, Constance explained her new concoction. When she got a stomachache, she fixed herself some bicarbonate of soda & water, then added sugar and syrup for flavor. As a finishing touch, she added some coffee for a caffeine kick. Roswell sampled her invention and declared it to be “fucking delicious!”
Hop Hop paid a visit to Brigham Young in his prison cell, where Brigham was also doing time for public indecency.
BRIGHAM: “I’m in jail for love.”
HOP HOP: “You in jail for running around with you man-boobs hanging out!”
Brigham explained that his love for Red Clay had led him to turn his back on his mission from God. As punishment, God had cursed Little One Point with plagues of buzzards, frogs, and wine (though they weren’t sure that last one was meant as a plague). The fourth plague of syphilis would be coming soon.
Will went to Madeline’s office. He explained that, during his drinking days, he’d been fired for messing up the kids’ heads. Now that he’d sobered up, he had two dreams… going back to teaching, and getting revenge on Roswell Diabolicus. He needed a posse to get Roswell, and he needed a sharpshooter for that posse. Will pleaded with Madeline to release Brigham Young.
Around the abandoned campfire, the Chipapoo spirits called out to Red Clay. They were joined by the voice of God, who was searching for Brigham. Despite being omniscient, for some reason they couldn’t find Brigham and Red Clay. To make matters worse, God was running out of ideas for plagues. Finally, they decided to burn Atlanta unless Brigham and Red Clay called off their love.
Hopped up on caffeine, Roswell Diabolicus was stocking the store’s shelves at super-speed. His mind was racing with plans for Constance’s new beverage, such as adding cocaine to make it even more addictive. Fantastic Sam arrived to buy supplies. The father and son argued over Roswell’s commitment to evil, and Sam’s lack of commitment to anything. Eventually, the fight turned into a teary-eyed moment.
Later on, Roswell was cleaning up at Castle Gayskull when Constance arrived, asking for more bicarbonate of soda for her recipe. Roswell agreed to supply her with all the ingredients she needs, in return for which he’ll own the rights to the beverage and get all the profits. They tossed around some possible names for the drink, including “Constance Cola.”
Red Clay was passing the time in his cell by singing a traditional Chipapoo hunting song, when Hop Hop rode in (throwing away his horse afterwards). As Hop Hop explained about the plagues besetting Little One Point, a buzzard fell from the sky. Hop Hop took the buzzard and started nursing it back to health. Hop Hop pointed out the contradiction between Red Clay’s disdain for the white man and his love of Brigham Young (similar to the contradiction of Hop Hop’s caring for the buzzard and disregard for the horse). Hop Hop gave Red Clay a fortune cookie to determine the future: “You will have a lot of fun this weekend.”
Madeline was relaxing in her room when a distraught Fantastic Sam entered. Sam explained that he wanted revenge on Roswell, but didn’t want to side with Will. As he pondered coming up with a plan to double-cross Will, Madeline took him to task for being so self-centered.
MADELINE: “Sam, why is it always about YOU?”
SAM: “I’m at the center of my universe!”
Brigham Young was singing in his cell when Will McGotnuthin entered. They agreed to put aside their feud and have an uneasy truce while they hunt down Roswell. Will used his whip to yank the window out of the wall. Brigham escaped his cell, but explained that he needed to be back by evening to reunite with Red Clay.
The hyperactive Roswell had just finished writing his third book of really bad poetry when he started to come down from his caffeine high. Roswell ordered his new companion/power pet, Dreidel Boy, to guard the castle during his weakness. Suddenly, Brigham and Will burst in and shot Dreidel Boy. Before they could confront Roswell, Constance arrived with a six-pack of “Constance Cola.” Lying helpless on the floor, Roswell pleaded with her to pour a bottle into his mouth. She did so, and the revitalized Roswell leapt to his feet.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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