Episode 15: Go Tell It to the Mountain (Or: Two Elves and a Funeral)
At the funeral for Kalgon, the master thief and singing waiter, everybody came by to pay their respects. Amongst all the remembrances, Kalgon’s demi-son Eileve swore to carry on Kalgon’s work, which he did by stealing the gravestone.
Having grown to forty times his original size (as a result of being struck by two enchanted swords), Francis of the Rock People was imprisoned in a special dungeon. Eileve snuck in and offered Francis the key to the dungeon, but Francis considered himself a political prisoner and would only accept freedom if the king agreed to his demands.
Tarquin was hanging out with Chambliss Tucker, who had undergone elfin plastic surgery to fit in with his people. When she complained about the painful procedure, Tarquin started pontificating about all the pain that comes with being an elf. As Tarquin spoke, Chambliss suddenly came up behind him and held a Lady Schick to his throat. Tarquin turned the tables by threatening her with the enchanted pillow. Chambliss turned the tables yet again by throwing her cloak over his head.
Magic Jones visited Baron Üterrüs to discuss what to do about Eileve and his magic wand. The two old enemies reminisced about their past battles, complete with flashbacks.
King Plough was claiming some land in the forest when her ran into the wandering elf Keblaar. Keblaar explained that he had come to visit his old friend Tarquin, who had been banished from their tribe. They got to know each other, and Plough told Keblaar about the murder of his son Kalgon.
PLOUGH: “I will take his killer’s entrails and serve them on a steaming plate! That is, the entrails will be steaming…the plate will be room temperature.”
Chambliss visited Francis in the dungeon. When he asked if she considered him a monster, she reassured him that his size didn’t make him a monster…it made him a mountain. She told him that people loved mountains, and that he could be loved if he let people climb him, build skylifts to get to the top of him, and set up slushie stands on him.
Tarquin was lying unconscious in Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator when Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs burst in. Tarquin woke up and told them that Chambliss had tried to kill him “by smoth…suff…not being able to breathe under this thing!” Üterrüs explained that they were searching for Eileve, the mutual son of both Üterrüs and Tarquin (as well as Kalgon and Dewey Claw). Tarquin used his elfin powers to locate Eileve, who was with King Plough in the Slop Bucket. When the Baron revealed that they were planning to destroy Eileve, Tarquin assumed a fighting stance, but Magic Jones used his powers to make Tarquin forget that information.
At the Slop Bucket, Eileve met King Plough and introduced himself as Kalgon’s son, making him Plough’s grandson. Plough was overjoyed to learn that he had a grandson, and declared Eileve his heir to the throne. Keblaar the elf was amazed to witness such a historic occasion. Plough offered Keblaar the post of Royal Secretary and told him to take notes about this meeting. Eileve explained the plan to bring joy to the kingdom by turning Francis into a mountain park. Plough liked the idea, and ordered Francis’ release.
Shortly afterwards, King Plough visited Francis’ dungeon. He officially declared Francis a political prisoner, then pardoned him. The King asked Francis to become a mountain theme park, and Francis eagerly accepted.
Keblaar was compiling data when Chambliss came in and introduced herself as the Queen. Keblaar was amazed to see an elf-eared queen in a human kingdom, remarking that it would make it that much easier when the elves take over. She thanked him for the information, then asked him to put that plan on hold. She ordered him to find two miles of steel (or, as the elves call it, “silveril”) cable to build cable cars for the mountain park.
Tarquin stopped by the Slop Bucket and found Eileve, who explained that he had taken over Kalgon’s position as the waiter. As Eileve set the table, Kalgon noticed that it was covered with notes written in Elvish. Alerted by the notes, Tarquin sensed the presence of Keblaar, his old childhood friend (and romantic rival). Tarquin sang a song recounting how Keblaar won the hearts of Tarquin’s two girlfriends, Betty and Veronica.
Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs’ search for Eileve was shown in a series of paintings.
Chambliss Tucker christened Francis the new Heritage Mountain Park. Francis found this the most rewarding experience of his entire existence. When Chambliss started making plans to dig into Francis and build high-priced vacation lodges, Francis started to have second thoughts. When she started fantasizing about building a water park where she could sleep with all the nubile male lifeguards, Francis REALLY got cold feet.
FRANCIS: “It sounds like you’re just using me…and a lot of young men.”
Tarquin was relaxing in his treehouse when his old friend Keblaar came to visit. Tarquin loaned Keblaar a couple of miles of silveril cable, and they reminisced about old times. Tarquin’s ox Thacko ran up and greeted his former master. It was revealed that Tarquin had won Thacko in a poker game, and the ox was still upset about that. To make amends, Tarquin returned Thacko to Keblaar.
Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs found Eileve relieving himself in the woods. King Plough emerged from doing his own business in the bushes, then invited them all to FrancisWorld. Plough’s manner grew serious as he asked the Baron to help him avenge Kalgon’s murder (not knowing that Üterrüs WAS Kalgon’s killer). Then Plough immediately lightened up again and repeated “C’mon, let’s go to FrancisWorld!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label thacko. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thacko. Show all posts
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Season 6, Episode 14: Everybody Dies
Episode 14: Everybody Dies
Kalgon, the fleet of foot and sleight of hand, gave Esmerizizelda the magical artifact he had stolen for her: the Flowers of Algernon. She explained that she would use their power to switch bodies with Chambliss Tucker. When Kalgon asked for the sack of gold she had promised him, she gave him his “just reward” by casting a spell of clumsiness upon him, thus destroying his skills as a master thief.
Magic Jones was wandering through the forest when he the as-yet-nameless son of Chambliss Tucker and three fathers. The human-elf-cheetah man-child lamented his freakish existence, and Jones reassured him that everybody feels like a freak when they’re young.
As a result of their collision, King Plough’s alabaster sword and Baron Üterrüs’ onyx sword had merged into a single weapon. Plough and Üterrüs discussed an arrangement to alternate ownership of the sword, then turned to the more pressing matter of what to do with Francis, who was being held in the dungeon. Üterrüs thought that Francis should be hewn into gravel for his treachery, while Plough worried how the people would react to such a severe punishment. The Baron argued that a king shouldn’t be influenced by his subjects, but should rule them with an iron fist. Plough realized that the merged sword was influencing him, tearing him between its two sides. (“There’s dark, and there’s light…and yet, alas, there’s no creamy center.”)
Esmerizizelda paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin lamented that his ox, Thacko, had grown distant since Tarquin had been transformed from elf to human. Esmerizizelda told him that she could restore him if he helped her abduct Chambliss for her ritual.
Magic Jones brought the nameless child to Linens Und Thïngs to meet one of his fathers, Baron Üterrüs. The Baron was impressed by his demi-son’s growth, noting that the child had the prowess of a cheetah, the immortality of an elf, and the blood of kings. All that was left was for the Baron to teach him in the ways of the undead. The child agreed to join him, on one condition: “I want Magic Jones to name me…or I leave.” Thus, the old wizard christened the child “Eileve.”
At the Slop Bucket, King Plough asked his son, Kalgon, to read the menu for him, since Plough could not read. As Kalgon described the blue-plate special, Plough reiterated his confession of illiteracy, hoping that Kalgon would get the point this time. Plough was concerned because he had signed all manner of documents without knowing what they were, relying on Magic Jones’ judgment on the legislation.
KALGON: “I wouldn’t trust him to name a baby!”
Kalgon’s curse of clumsiness rendered him unable to serve Plough’s meal. He explained that he had committed a theft for a sack of gold, wanting to earn the gold on his own terms rather than ask his father. Plough revealed that he was proud of Kalgon’s self-sufficiency. Plough sang a song praising Kalgon’s skill as a waiter.
Esmerizizelda paid another visit to Tarquin, promising to turn him back into an elf after he completes the abduction of Chambliss. Tarquin demanded to be restored immediately, but the witch protested that he might back out of the agreement afterwards. Tarquin pointed out that elves never broke their word. She accepted that, but warned him that if he DID cross her, she’d turn him into something horrible, though she couldn’t decide what. Suddenly, Eileve knocked on the door. Tarquin saw his elfin parentage in the child, and greeted him warmly. Tarquin confided that Esmerizizelda’s evil plan was his only hope of becoming an elf again, but Eileve had an alternate plan: he distracted Esmerizizelda and stole her wand.
Magic Jones was wandering about when Eileve entered, holding the wand in one hand and his detached tail in the other. Eileve explained that he had idly commented that he hated his tail, and it fell off. Jones realized that the wand responded to its owner’s desires…a terrible responsibility for a one-week-old.
King Plough summoned Esmerizizelda to the castle, pointing out that she had been banished by his great-grandfather, and the banishment was still in effect. She broke down in tears, lamenting her wretched herpes-ridded existence. Plough confessed that he too knew the heartbreak of herpes (“Why do you think I grew this ridiculous mustache?”). She offered to transplant his soul into a herpes-free body. Torn by the influence of the sword, Plough agreed, giving her one hour to prove her powers by curing herself.
Kalgon went to Linens Und Thïngs, crawling very carefully to avoid knocking anything over. Kalgon told Baron Üterrüs about the curse of clumsiness, and the Baron offered to help him. Üterrüs started gathering the ingredients for the remedy, then realized that the Flowers of Algernon had vanished. Kalgon remorsefully confessed to the theft. Enraged, Üterrüs dealt Kalgon a heavy blow with his mace.
Tarquin and Esmerizizelda snuck into Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator and abducted the sleeping, blanket-covered Chambliss, after Tarquin knocked her out by whacking her with a cushy pillow.
Eileve found Kalgon lying motionless in his cave. Eileve attempted to wake up his demi-father, but the flies buzzing around the body proved that he was dead. Eileve’s elfin heritage allowed him to speak to the flies and learn what had happened. (“My father’s killed my father!”) Eileve swore to avenge Kalgon’s death.
Magic Jones castigated Baron Üterrüs for not watching Eileve, thus allowing Eileve to get Esmerizizelda’s wand. Jones warned that the combination of unlimited power and a child’s immaturity could blow a hole in the space-time continuum. Baron Üterrüs agreed that the danger was serious enough for the two of them to set aside their differences and join forces.
Tarquin and Esmerizizelda were preparing for the deherpification ritual when the witch suddenly remembered that Eileve had stolen her wand. (“You fool! This is my fault, but I blame you!”) Tarquin suggested that the cushy pillow must have some magical powers of its own, since it had somehow knocked out Chambliss. The witch tested the pillow’s powers by casting a spell on Tarquin. Suddenly, his elfin locks reappeared as he was restored to his true self. Before Esmerizizelda could proceed to transferring her soul into Chambliss’ body, King Plough entered, shouting that the hour was up. Seeing that the witch had failed to cure herself, Plough stabbed her with his sword.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Kalgon, the fleet of foot and sleight of hand, gave Esmerizizelda the magical artifact he had stolen for her: the Flowers of Algernon. She explained that she would use their power to switch bodies with Chambliss Tucker. When Kalgon asked for the sack of gold she had promised him, she gave him his “just reward” by casting a spell of clumsiness upon him, thus destroying his skills as a master thief.
Magic Jones was wandering through the forest when he the as-yet-nameless son of Chambliss Tucker and three fathers. The human-elf-cheetah man-child lamented his freakish existence, and Jones reassured him that everybody feels like a freak when they’re young.
As a result of their collision, King Plough’s alabaster sword and Baron Üterrüs’ onyx sword had merged into a single weapon. Plough and Üterrüs discussed an arrangement to alternate ownership of the sword, then turned to the more pressing matter of what to do with Francis, who was being held in the dungeon. Üterrüs thought that Francis should be hewn into gravel for his treachery, while Plough worried how the people would react to such a severe punishment. The Baron argued that a king shouldn’t be influenced by his subjects, but should rule them with an iron fist. Plough realized that the merged sword was influencing him, tearing him between its two sides. (“There’s dark, and there’s light…and yet, alas, there’s no creamy center.”)
Esmerizizelda paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin lamented that his ox, Thacko, had grown distant since Tarquin had been transformed from elf to human. Esmerizizelda told him that she could restore him if he helped her abduct Chambliss for her ritual.
Magic Jones brought the nameless child to Linens Und Thïngs to meet one of his fathers, Baron Üterrüs. The Baron was impressed by his demi-son’s growth, noting that the child had the prowess of a cheetah, the immortality of an elf, and the blood of kings. All that was left was for the Baron to teach him in the ways of the undead. The child agreed to join him, on one condition: “I want Magic Jones to name me…or I leave.” Thus, the old wizard christened the child “Eileve.”
At the Slop Bucket, King Plough asked his son, Kalgon, to read the menu for him, since Plough could not read. As Kalgon described the blue-plate special, Plough reiterated his confession of illiteracy, hoping that Kalgon would get the point this time. Plough was concerned because he had signed all manner of documents without knowing what they were, relying on Magic Jones’ judgment on the legislation.
KALGON: “I wouldn’t trust him to name a baby!”
Kalgon’s curse of clumsiness rendered him unable to serve Plough’s meal. He explained that he had committed a theft for a sack of gold, wanting to earn the gold on his own terms rather than ask his father. Plough revealed that he was proud of Kalgon’s self-sufficiency. Plough sang a song praising Kalgon’s skill as a waiter.
Esmerizizelda paid another visit to Tarquin, promising to turn him back into an elf after he completes the abduction of Chambliss. Tarquin demanded to be restored immediately, but the witch protested that he might back out of the agreement afterwards. Tarquin pointed out that elves never broke their word. She accepted that, but warned him that if he DID cross her, she’d turn him into something horrible, though she couldn’t decide what. Suddenly, Eileve knocked on the door. Tarquin saw his elfin parentage in the child, and greeted him warmly. Tarquin confided that Esmerizizelda’s evil plan was his only hope of becoming an elf again, but Eileve had an alternate plan: he distracted Esmerizizelda and stole her wand.
Magic Jones was wandering about when Eileve entered, holding the wand in one hand and his detached tail in the other. Eileve explained that he had idly commented that he hated his tail, and it fell off. Jones realized that the wand responded to its owner’s desires…a terrible responsibility for a one-week-old.
King Plough summoned Esmerizizelda to the castle, pointing out that she had been banished by his great-grandfather, and the banishment was still in effect. She broke down in tears, lamenting her wretched herpes-ridded existence. Plough confessed that he too knew the heartbreak of herpes (“Why do you think I grew this ridiculous mustache?”). She offered to transplant his soul into a herpes-free body. Torn by the influence of the sword, Plough agreed, giving her one hour to prove her powers by curing herself.
Kalgon went to Linens Und Thïngs, crawling very carefully to avoid knocking anything over. Kalgon told Baron Üterrüs about the curse of clumsiness, and the Baron offered to help him. Üterrüs started gathering the ingredients for the remedy, then realized that the Flowers of Algernon had vanished. Kalgon remorsefully confessed to the theft. Enraged, Üterrüs dealt Kalgon a heavy blow with his mace.
Tarquin and Esmerizizelda snuck into Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator and abducted the sleeping, blanket-covered Chambliss, after Tarquin knocked her out by whacking her with a cushy pillow.
Eileve found Kalgon lying motionless in his cave. Eileve attempted to wake up his demi-father, but the flies buzzing around the body proved that he was dead. Eileve’s elfin heritage allowed him to speak to the flies and learn what had happened. (“My father’s killed my father!”) Eileve swore to avenge Kalgon’s death.
Magic Jones castigated Baron Üterrüs for not watching Eileve, thus allowing Eileve to get Esmerizizelda’s wand. Jones warned that the combination of unlimited power and a child’s immaturity could blow a hole in the space-time continuum. Baron Üterrüs agreed that the danger was serious enough for the two of them to set aside their differences and join forces.
Tarquin and Esmerizizelda were preparing for the deherpification ritual when the witch suddenly remembered that Eileve had stolen her wand. (“You fool! This is my fault, but I blame you!”) Tarquin suggested that the cushy pillow must have some magical powers of its own, since it had somehow knocked out Chambliss. The witch tested the pillow’s powers by casting a spell on Tarquin. Suddenly, his elfin locks reappeared as he was restored to his true self. Before Esmerizizelda could proceed to transferring her soul into Chambliss’ body, King Plough entered, shouting that the hour was up. Seeing that the witch had failed to cure herself, Plough stabbed her with his sword.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Season 6, Episode 7: Something Pricky This Way Comes
Episode 7: Something Pricky This Way Comes
Mortally injured by a blow to the head, King Plough lay dying on the battlefield when Francis of the Rock People brought him the enchanted alabaster sword. As the sword was placed in Plough’s hand, its magicks instantly brought him back from the brink of death. However, as soon as he opened his mouth, it became apparent that the sword had not healed the damage to his brain.
Magic Jones held a ceremony to reward Tarquin the Gangly for his bravery in combat, although the actual award (whatever form it may take) was not ready yet. Tarquin confessed that he was now constantly filled with rage and bloodlust, and Jones prescribed some new medicine for him to smoke. Tarquin’s condition was only partially remedied…he still felt an unquenchable urge to kill, but at least he wasn’t angry about it anymore.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs informed Chambliss Tucker that he was thinking of diversifying his business interests, and was going to open a pub (or, as he pronounced it, a püb) called “The Poisoned Patron.” Chambliss agreed to run the püb on the condition that Üterrüs learn to pronounce it correctly.
Left alone in the aftermath of the battle, Francis was reflecting on his solitude when he remembered the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!” Friar Kack immediately arrived in answer to the summons. Francis informed Kack that the king’s condition had left them without a leader. Friar Kack revealed that he had gazed into the future using the Kack Ring, and had foreseen that Francis would become a great leader. He had also seen that a new menace would soon come to the kingdom…something even worse than the orcs.
Magic Jones and Prince Kalgon were discussing what to do about King Plough’s sudden retardation. Jones wanted to re-educate the king and restore him to his former self. However, Kalgon wondered whether it was worth keeping an incompetent monarch in power, when it would be so much easier for an “unfortunate accident” to free up the throne for a more capable leader. Jones warned Kalgon that “Those that get too greedy might find themselves on the short end of the greedy stick.”
Baron Üterrüs was up on Skank Mountain, preparing a pentagram to summon a demon.
ÜTERRÜS: “While I am conquering the world fiscally, my demon will be conquering the world physically! Ah, wordplay!”
While Üterrüs was rummaging for the spell’s final ingredient, King Plough wandered through unnoticed, disrupting the pentagram. After Plough wandered off again, Üterrüs returned to his spell, unaware of the damage Plough had done. The Baron summoned forth the greatest, most powerful demon in hell…and was answered by the sudden appearance of a small, floating red imp. This was not quite as impressive as Üterrüs had expected. The creature introduced itself as the demon Prick. The Baron asked Prick to go forth and confirm the reports that the king was ill. Misunderstanding, the demon set out to find out whether the king was an eel.
Francis and Friar Kack journeyed to Castle Post to nominate Francis as the interim King while Plough is incapacitated. Friar Kack informed Francis that he had consulted with his fellow friars, and that they had decreed that the quest for vengeance on the slayer of the dragon Schmegma took precedence over their obedience to Francis. So, although they would still obey Francis, they still had to kill somebody. Since Francis didn’t realize they were talking about Chambliss, he accepted that. King Plough wandered by, followed by Magic Jones. Francis demanded the throne from Jones, warning him that he would take it by force if necessary.
Kalgon snuck into the new pub, where Chambliss greeted him as her first customer offered him a drink of red stuff (“This might be the blood of something!”). Kalgon explained that Plough was unable to rule, but that nobody could succeed him as long as he still lived. Kalgon claimed that his previous reluctance to accept the crown was only an act, that he was secretly eager to become king. Chambliss was upset by this news, since Plough had promised her that she could be his queen. As they argued, King Plough wandered in unnoticed and drank the red stuff.
Tarquin and his ox Thacko were hunting tree-rats inside Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator, when Tarquin was suddenly alerted by a strange noise coming from an odd instrument. Picking up Chambliss’ cell phone, Tarquin was puzzled by the mysterious voices coming from it…the voices of Chambliss’ husband and children. Not knowing what to make of the strange device, Tarquin decided to take it back to Chambliss.
Baron Üterrüs visited Magic Jones and mocked Jones’ fading powers. Üterrüs recalled how Jones had been his teacher many centuries ago, and they had a flashback to Üterrüs’ childhood. When the young Üterrüs asked to learn about evil wizards and dark magicks, Jones reluctantly agreed that it could be useful to learn evil magic in order to guard against it. Back in the present, Üterrüs pointed out that Jones was thus responsible for sending him down the path of evil.
Francis and Kalgon confronted each other about their ambitions to become the new king. Kalgon argued that the throne was his by right of blood, while Francis insisted that it was his by decree of the monks of Kack Island. The argument went on and on, with neither one budging an inch.
The demon Prick encountered the mentally challenged King Plough wandering through the woods. Prick asked if Plough was the king, but Plough couldn’t remember. Plough showed Prick the dead cat he had found at the side of the road, and Prick suggested that they play a game of “Eat the Cat.” (Prick won.) Prick was impressed that Plough showed no fear of him, and asked Plough to be his friend. Since Prick had just eaten Plough’s only other friend, Plough agreed.
Chambliss was tending bar when Friar Kack came in, explaining that he was looking for the slayer of Schmegma the dragon. Chambliss tried to convince him that Schmegma had died of natural causes, but eventually admitted that she had killed it. As Kack prepared to take his vengeance, Tarquin rushed in to give Chambliss her cell phone. Seeing Chambliss in danger, Tarquin knocked Kack out, then chained him to the wall until they could decide what to do with him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Mortally injured by a blow to the head, King Plough lay dying on the battlefield when Francis of the Rock People brought him the enchanted alabaster sword. As the sword was placed in Plough’s hand, its magicks instantly brought him back from the brink of death. However, as soon as he opened his mouth, it became apparent that the sword had not healed the damage to his brain.
Magic Jones held a ceremony to reward Tarquin the Gangly for his bravery in combat, although the actual award (whatever form it may take) was not ready yet. Tarquin confessed that he was now constantly filled with rage and bloodlust, and Jones prescribed some new medicine for him to smoke. Tarquin’s condition was only partially remedied…he still felt an unquenchable urge to kill, but at least he wasn’t angry about it anymore.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs informed Chambliss Tucker that he was thinking of diversifying his business interests, and was going to open a pub (or, as he pronounced it, a püb) called “The Poisoned Patron.” Chambliss agreed to run the püb on the condition that Üterrüs learn to pronounce it correctly.
Left alone in the aftermath of the battle, Francis was reflecting on his solitude when he remembered the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!” Friar Kack immediately arrived in answer to the summons. Francis informed Kack that the king’s condition had left them without a leader. Friar Kack revealed that he had gazed into the future using the Kack Ring, and had foreseen that Francis would become a great leader. He had also seen that a new menace would soon come to the kingdom…something even worse than the orcs.
Magic Jones and Prince Kalgon were discussing what to do about King Plough’s sudden retardation. Jones wanted to re-educate the king and restore him to his former self. However, Kalgon wondered whether it was worth keeping an incompetent monarch in power, when it would be so much easier for an “unfortunate accident” to free up the throne for a more capable leader. Jones warned Kalgon that “Those that get too greedy might find themselves on the short end of the greedy stick.”
Baron Üterrüs was up on Skank Mountain, preparing a pentagram to summon a demon.
ÜTERRÜS: “While I am conquering the world fiscally, my demon will be conquering the world physically! Ah, wordplay!”
While Üterrüs was rummaging for the spell’s final ingredient, King Plough wandered through unnoticed, disrupting the pentagram. After Plough wandered off again, Üterrüs returned to his spell, unaware of the damage Plough had done. The Baron summoned forth the greatest, most powerful demon in hell…and was answered by the sudden appearance of a small, floating red imp. This was not quite as impressive as Üterrüs had expected. The creature introduced itself as the demon Prick. The Baron asked Prick to go forth and confirm the reports that the king was ill. Misunderstanding, the demon set out to find out whether the king was an eel.
Francis and Friar Kack journeyed to Castle Post to nominate Francis as the interim King while Plough is incapacitated. Friar Kack informed Francis that he had consulted with his fellow friars, and that they had decreed that the quest for vengeance on the slayer of the dragon Schmegma took precedence over their obedience to Francis. So, although they would still obey Francis, they still had to kill somebody. Since Francis didn’t realize they were talking about Chambliss, he accepted that. King Plough wandered by, followed by Magic Jones. Francis demanded the throne from Jones, warning him that he would take it by force if necessary.
Kalgon snuck into the new pub, where Chambliss greeted him as her first customer offered him a drink of red stuff (“This might be the blood of something!”). Kalgon explained that Plough was unable to rule, but that nobody could succeed him as long as he still lived. Kalgon claimed that his previous reluctance to accept the crown was only an act, that he was secretly eager to become king. Chambliss was upset by this news, since Plough had promised her that she could be his queen. As they argued, King Plough wandered in unnoticed and drank the red stuff.
Tarquin and his ox Thacko were hunting tree-rats inside Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator, when Tarquin was suddenly alerted by a strange noise coming from an odd instrument. Picking up Chambliss’ cell phone, Tarquin was puzzled by the mysterious voices coming from it…the voices of Chambliss’ husband and children. Not knowing what to make of the strange device, Tarquin decided to take it back to Chambliss.
Baron Üterrüs visited Magic Jones and mocked Jones’ fading powers. Üterrüs recalled how Jones had been his teacher many centuries ago, and they had a flashback to Üterrüs’ childhood. When the young Üterrüs asked to learn about evil wizards and dark magicks, Jones reluctantly agreed that it could be useful to learn evil magic in order to guard against it. Back in the present, Üterrüs pointed out that Jones was thus responsible for sending him down the path of evil.
Francis and Kalgon confronted each other about their ambitions to become the new king. Kalgon argued that the throne was his by right of blood, while Francis insisted that it was his by decree of the monks of Kack Island. The argument went on and on, with neither one budging an inch.
The demon Prick encountered the mentally challenged King Plough wandering through the woods. Prick asked if Plough was the king, but Plough couldn’t remember. Plough showed Prick the dead cat he had found at the side of the road, and Prick suggested that they play a game of “Eat the Cat.” (Prick won.) Prick was impressed that Plough showed no fear of him, and asked Plough to be his friend. Since Prick had just eaten Plough’s only other friend, Plough agreed.
Chambliss was tending bar when Friar Kack came in, explaining that he was looking for the slayer of Schmegma the dragon. Chambliss tried to convince him that Schmegma had died of natural causes, but eventually admitted that she had killed it. As Kack prepared to take his vengeance, Tarquin rushed in to give Chambliss her cell phone. Seeing Chambliss in danger, Tarquin knocked Kack out, then chained him to the wall until they could decide what to do with him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Season 6, Episode 6: Orcs and Knives
Episode 6: Orcs and Knives
The orc army gathered outside Ye Little Points of Five finally attacked, and King Plough and his son Kalgon were in the midst of the battle. They regrouped to the safety of a nearby arch, realizing that they must retreat and gather reinforcements. Kalgon thanked his father for having the integrity to go into battle himself and put his own life on the line. (“What kind of ruler would get into a war for economic gain and then send others to do the fighting?”) They had a moment of silence for their fallen knight Jam Master Jay.
Baron Üterrüs confronted Francis of the Rock People regarding Francis’ going back to his old job holding up the castle. Francis apologized for giving in to Kalgon’s request, and Üterrüs gladly took him back. Francis told Üterrüs about the battle, including the bizarre fact that all of the orcs and hobblegoblins just ignored him. The Baron explained that they had left him alone because Üterrüs had ordered it. He confided to Francis that he had orchestrated the attack in order to get back the alabaster sword which could restore his powers.
FRANCIS: “If you are the interior designer you are now, imagine what you could do at your full power!”
Tarquin the Gangly knocked on Chambliss Tucker’s door, and was startled by her car alarm. They talked about their recent three-way with Dewey Claw, and Tarquin assured her that he wouldn’t leave the way Dewey had. Tarquin explained his feelings for her by singing a song about the death of his dog, and how he’d never felt love so strongly until now. Chambliss reminded him that she was still married, and Tarquin was taken aback. He’d been planning to marry Chambliss and start a family, but Chambliss informed him that that boat had sailed, and those tubes had been tied.
On their way back, King Plough and Kalgon stopped in a cave for shelter, where they found Magic Jones living in exile. Since Plough fired him, Jones had been reading a book Chambliss gave him: “What Color Is Your Parachute?” Now that he was no longer employed as a wizard, he’d found a new calling…being a lifeguard! Plough and Kalgon realized that they could use someone to guard their lives on the battlefield. Plus, Jones’ annoying prattle might distract the orcs and get them to attack HIM instead.
PLOUGH: “Now we have a magic-user, a swordsman, and a thief! All we need is…”
JONES: “A battle-cry!”
PLOUGH: “I was going to say a cleric, but close enough.”
Chambliss Tucker came into Linens Und Thïngs drunk and late for work. She blamed her tardiness on Daylight Savings Time, but this concept was unfamiliar to the Baron. When he lectured her on her poor work performance, she countered that the store was losing business because of his high prices. She suggested that he could increase sales by lowering prices and advertising. Üterrüs was impressed by her business sense.
Returning to the kingdom, King Plough addressed the masses with a rousing speech about the battle with the orcs. Plough urged the people to support him in the war and in the upcoming primary election. Suddenly, Francis entered and grabbed the alabaster sword, inserting it into his stony body so that Plough couldn’t take it back. When Plough asked why, Francis pointed out that Plough hadn’t even noticed him fighting alongside him on the battlefield, whereas Baron Üterrüs had shown him gratitude.
Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss were about to leave to spread their advertising campaign when Tarquin burst in and declared his love for Chambliss. He threatened to commit suicide if Chambliss wouldn’t take him. Taking Tarquin aside, Chambliss told him that she couldn’t commit to saying she loved him, but urged him not to kill himself. She suggested that he take that anguish and rage and take it out on the orcs and goblins. Taking her advice, Tarquin walked away, chanting “Kill! Kill! Kill!”
Magic Jones was coaching Kalgon in the ways of war. Kalgon confessed that this was the first time he’d come face to face with his own mortality, and that he was terrified. Jones reassured him that everybody had their own personal afterlife waiting for him. Kalgon replied that he was an atheist, which meant that his afterlife would be nothingness. Jones agreed to guard Kalgon’s life so that he could reconsider his spiritual beliefs. Kalgon accidentally hit himself in the head with his sword, and Jones did his duty by healing him.
Baron Üterrüs was alone in the store when Francis burst through the wall a la Kool-Aid Man. Francis had come to return the alabaster sword, so that Üterrüs could regain his powers and become the greatest interior designer of all time. The Baron replied that he would not only be an interior designer, but an exterior designer as well…he would not only arrange people’s furniture, he would arrange their lives and thoughts as well. Üterrüs laughed maniacally.
King Plough asked Magic Jones to make him proficient with a new weapon now that the alabaster sword had been stolen once again. Jones cast a spell on his lifeguard’s whistle, then told Plough that, by blowing the whistle, he could freeze the orcs in their tracks for a brief period.
Tarquin went to Kalgon and asked to enlist in the army. Tarquin had replaced his bow with a couple of Molly hatchets so that the battle would be a more visceral, hands-on experience. Kalgon recognized Tarquin’s newfound bloodlust as the rage that only comes from a broken heart.
Chambliss Tucker worked the crowed and sang the new jingle for Linens Und Thïngs.
On the battlefield, Tarquin and Kalgon faced off against an unstoppable orc. Suddenly, King Plough entered the fray and blew his enchanted whistle. The orc froze in place, but Plough congratulated himself a little too long, allowing the orc to recover and whack him on the head. As the King fell, Tarquin’s ox Thacko managed to slay the orc by goring it. Kalgon knelt beside his father, who told him that he would have to take the crown. Kalgon protested that he was too weak to handle the responsibilities of being King, but Plough told him that he could take on his strength by taking his mustache. Kalgon pled with his father not to die; Plough replied that the only thing that could save him was the alabaster sword, but it was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Francis rushed in with the sword. But would Plough reach it in time?
TO BE CONTINUED…
The orc army gathered outside Ye Little Points of Five finally attacked, and King Plough and his son Kalgon were in the midst of the battle. They regrouped to the safety of a nearby arch, realizing that they must retreat and gather reinforcements. Kalgon thanked his father for having the integrity to go into battle himself and put his own life on the line. (“What kind of ruler would get into a war for economic gain and then send others to do the fighting?”) They had a moment of silence for their fallen knight Jam Master Jay.
Baron Üterrüs confronted Francis of the Rock People regarding Francis’ going back to his old job holding up the castle. Francis apologized for giving in to Kalgon’s request, and Üterrüs gladly took him back. Francis told Üterrüs about the battle, including the bizarre fact that all of the orcs and hobblegoblins just ignored him. The Baron explained that they had left him alone because Üterrüs had ordered it. He confided to Francis that he had orchestrated the attack in order to get back the alabaster sword which could restore his powers.
FRANCIS: “If you are the interior designer you are now, imagine what you could do at your full power!”
Tarquin the Gangly knocked on Chambliss Tucker’s door, and was startled by her car alarm. They talked about their recent three-way with Dewey Claw, and Tarquin assured her that he wouldn’t leave the way Dewey had. Tarquin explained his feelings for her by singing a song about the death of his dog, and how he’d never felt love so strongly until now. Chambliss reminded him that she was still married, and Tarquin was taken aback. He’d been planning to marry Chambliss and start a family, but Chambliss informed him that that boat had sailed, and those tubes had been tied.
On their way back, King Plough and Kalgon stopped in a cave for shelter, where they found Magic Jones living in exile. Since Plough fired him, Jones had been reading a book Chambliss gave him: “What Color Is Your Parachute?” Now that he was no longer employed as a wizard, he’d found a new calling…being a lifeguard! Plough and Kalgon realized that they could use someone to guard their lives on the battlefield. Plus, Jones’ annoying prattle might distract the orcs and get them to attack HIM instead.
PLOUGH: “Now we have a magic-user, a swordsman, and a thief! All we need is…”
JONES: “A battle-cry!”
PLOUGH: “I was going to say a cleric, but close enough.”
Chambliss Tucker came into Linens Und Thïngs drunk and late for work. She blamed her tardiness on Daylight Savings Time, but this concept was unfamiliar to the Baron. When he lectured her on her poor work performance, she countered that the store was losing business because of his high prices. She suggested that he could increase sales by lowering prices and advertising. Üterrüs was impressed by her business sense.
Returning to the kingdom, King Plough addressed the masses with a rousing speech about the battle with the orcs. Plough urged the people to support him in the war and in the upcoming primary election. Suddenly, Francis entered and grabbed the alabaster sword, inserting it into his stony body so that Plough couldn’t take it back. When Plough asked why, Francis pointed out that Plough hadn’t even noticed him fighting alongside him on the battlefield, whereas Baron Üterrüs had shown him gratitude.
Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss were about to leave to spread their advertising campaign when Tarquin burst in and declared his love for Chambliss. He threatened to commit suicide if Chambliss wouldn’t take him. Taking Tarquin aside, Chambliss told him that she couldn’t commit to saying she loved him, but urged him not to kill himself. She suggested that he take that anguish and rage and take it out on the orcs and goblins. Taking her advice, Tarquin walked away, chanting “Kill! Kill! Kill!”
Magic Jones was coaching Kalgon in the ways of war. Kalgon confessed that this was the first time he’d come face to face with his own mortality, and that he was terrified. Jones reassured him that everybody had their own personal afterlife waiting for him. Kalgon replied that he was an atheist, which meant that his afterlife would be nothingness. Jones agreed to guard Kalgon’s life so that he could reconsider his spiritual beliefs. Kalgon accidentally hit himself in the head with his sword, and Jones did his duty by healing him.
Baron Üterrüs was alone in the store when Francis burst through the wall a la Kool-Aid Man. Francis had come to return the alabaster sword, so that Üterrüs could regain his powers and become the greatest interior designer of all time. The Baron replied that he would not only be an interior designer, but an exterior designer as well…he would not only arrange people’s furniture, he would arrange their lives and thoughts as well. Üterrüs laughed maniacally.
King Plough asked Magic Jones to make him proficient with a new weapon now that the alabaster sword had been stolen once again. Jones cast a spell on his lifeguard’s whistle, then told Plough that, by blowing the whistle, he could freeze the orcs in their tracks for a brief period.
Tarquin went to Kalgon and asked to enlist in the army. Tarquin had replaced his bow with a couple of Molly hatchets so that the battle would be a more visceral, hands-on experience. Kalgon recognized Tarquin’s newfound bloodlust as the rage that only comes from a broken heart.
Chambliss Tucker worked the crowed and sang the new jingle for Linens Und Thïngs.
On the battlefield, Tarquin and Kalgon faced off against an unstoppable orc. Suddenly, King Plough entered the fray and blew his enchanted whistle. The orc froze in place, but Plough congratulated himself a little too long, allowing the orc to recover and whack him on the head. As the King fell, Tarquin’s ox Thacko managed to slay the orc by goring it. Kalgon knelt beside his father, who told him that he would have to take the crown. Kalgon protested that he was too weak to handle the responsibilities of being King, but Plough told him that he could take on his strength by taking his mustache. Kalgon pled with his father not to die; Plough replied that the only thing that could save him was the alabaster sword, but it was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Francis rushed in with the sword. But would Plough reach it in time?
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, December 26, 2008
Season 6, Episode 1: The Fellowship of Ye Little Points of Five
And now, a new season, a new cast of characters, and a new setting...this time, the realms of fantasy!
Episode 1: The Fellowship of Ye Little Points of Five
Our tale begins with the master thief Kalgon entering the treasure room of the Mountain of Smoke. As the treasures were too heavy for him to haul off, he staked his claim by writing his name upon the wall. As he did so, he noticed embedded in the wall the largest gem he’d ever seen. Grabbing a nearby mallet, he pounded away at the gem but was unable to dislodge it. He decided to seek out someone he could trick into assisting him. Kalgon left, unaware that his pounding had awakened the dreaded dragon Schmegma. As the dragon read the intruder’s name upon the wall, Kalgon returned to retrieve his pencil. Kalgon immediately fled screaming at the sight of Schmegma.
In his castle, King Plough consulted with the wizard Magic Jones on how to improve Ye Little Points of Five. King Plough suggested forging his hoard of precious metals into plates to cover the holes in the roads, but Jones preferred the idea of turning the metal into artworks. King Plough snapped at Jones’ suggestion, then apologized, explaining that he was upset because Queen Franklin of Atlantia had refused his invitation to tea. Jones offered to use his staff’s enchanted crystal to spy on Queen Franklin, and they observed her taking a shower. King Plough took the wizard’s staff for “safekeeping,” and the unsupported Jones collapsed.
Out in the forest, the adventurers Tarquin the Gangly and Gatormaid were relaxing by the fire. Gatormaid’s reptilian legs and tail made it difficult for her to sit, so the elf offered himself as a chair. Suddenly, Tarquin’s ox Thacko sensed a disturbance in the distance. Alerted to danger, Tarquin and Gatormaid sniffed the air and immediately recognized the smell of Schmegma. They set off to consult the elders to find out how to defeat the dragon.
Meanwhile, the wicked Baron Üterrüs was working at his lair of evil, “Linens Und Thïngs,” when King Plough entered, seeking assistance on beautifying Castle Post. Üterrüs suggested window treatments. When Plough asked him to explain what he meant, Üterrüs looked the king in the eye and planted the vision in his head. Impressed, Plough hired the Baron as his royal decorator, giving him free rein and the keys to the castle.
Tarquin the Gangly rode to Castle Post and warned Magic Jones about Schmegma’s awakening. Tarquin recalled that his people lost 8,000 of their number in the last battle with Schmegma…of course, the elves are ALWAYS losing 8,000 of their number in some disaster or another.
Still fleeing in terror, Kalgon ran into Francis of the Rock People. Kalgon attempted to explain what he saw, gesticulating wildly. As he did so, a mask fell from Kalgon’s sleeve (or from the heavens, depending on whom you believe). Kalgon tried on the mask, and Francis was unable to recognize him, despite the fact that Kalgon had donned the mask right in front of Francis’ eyes. (“The mask has special powers! File that one away.”) Removing the mask and resuming their conversation, Kalgon reminded Francis of the time Francis attempted to hold up a collapsing dam, but let go after a stick hit him in the eye. Francis resolved not to fail again.
On his way back to the castle, King Plough was napping in the forest when Schmegma arrived. As the dragon attacked, a mysterious portal suddenly opened behind them, and a 2003 Lincoln Navigator emerged and ran over Schmegma. As the confused driver emerged from the car, King Plough thanked the mysterious savior who had slain the dragon. The woman explained that she had just been on the way to pick up her kids and was talking on her cell phone when she suddenly found herself here. Plough invited her to the castle, then celebrated Schmegma’s death with a victory song.
Baron Üterrüs was checking the windows at Castle Post when Magic Jones entered. The two old adversaries faced off, but Jones’ spells could do no more than give the Baron a very slight fever. Üterrüs gloated that Jones’ powers were weak, and that he would be no more if he exhausted his powers. The Baron then addressed Jones as “My old master.”
As Gatormaid was preparing dinner in the woods, Kalgon arrived wearing the enchanted mask. Gatormaid recognized Kalgon regardless, and permitted him to mooch some of her food. Removing the mask, Kalgon explained that he had awakened Schmegma. At the mention of the dragon’s name, Gatormaid’s interest was piqued. She revealed that, as she was of Schmegma’s kind, the jewel in his lair could restore her to her full alligator self. Kalgon explained that the gem had fallen down the mountain, then donned the mask once again. Gatormaid told him that the mask’s powers don’t fool her “gator senses,” explaining that she got a tingling feeling running down her reptile half below the legs. (“Let me get this straight. I turn on your reptilian self, but not the woman in you?”)
Francis of the Rock People ran into Tarquin the Gangly. They soon realized that they were both searching for Schmegma, and decided to join forces. Finding a weapons rack, Tarquin grabbed a bow and arrows, while Francis attempted to pick up a sword between his stone hands.
King Plough led his new acquaintance, Chambliss Tucker, to Castle Post.
PLOUGH: “I rule all you can see…unless you have really excellent vision, because I don’t rule that over there in the distance.”
Chambliss was impressed by the castle, explaining that she’d never met royalty before. Plough replied that he could make her a queen. Suddenly, Baron Üterrüs entered and was stunned by the sight of Chambliss, whom he mistook for his lost love Ilsabetta. After Plough introduced them to each other, Üterrüs offered Chambliss a position as an apprentice in his redecorating business.
Magic Jones was preparing to cast a spell to organize a parade, when Gatormaid rushed in. Jones offered her a seat, which she was unable to use comfortably. Gatormaid asked why Jones hadn’t yet found a potion to restore her. He apologized for his fading powers, and cautioned her that she might need to seek out a stronger wizard. Jones resolved to keep trying to restore her…or at least design a chair that she can actually sit in.
Searching for Schmegma, Tarquin and Francis discovered Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator in the forest. Mistaking the strange metal chariot for a dragon, they were about to attack when Kalgon arrived and informed them that Schmegma had been slain. Tarquin was disappointed that their adventure was over before they’d even started, but Kalgon offered them a new quest to retrieve the lost gem from the dragon’s lair.
Baron Üterrüs was showing Chambliss around his shop, explaining that he was in the business of potions, spells, murder and decorating. He told Chambliss that he was strongly attracted to her, but she explained that she has a husband back home in Marietta. Besides, a relationship wouldn’t be a good idea because he was her boss (not to mention being kind of scary). Chambliss asked what there was to eat in this neighborhood, and Üterrüs suggested “elvin goodies, dwarvish tidbits, and hobbit little pies.”
CHAMBLISS: “Well, I’ll try anything once.”
ÜTERRÜS: “Really? How do you feel about necrophilia?”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 1: The Fellowship of Ye Little Points of Five
Our tale begins with the master thief Kalgon entering the treasure room of the Mountain of Smoke. As the treasures were too heavy for him to haul off, he staked his claim by writing his name upon the wall. As he did so, he noticed embedded in the wall the largest gem he’d ever seen. Grabbing a nearby mallet, he pounded away at the gem but was unable to dislodge it. He decided to seek out someone he could trick into assisting him. Kalgon left, unaware that his pounding had awakened the dreaded dragon Schmegma. As the dragon read the intruder’s name upon the wall, Kalgon returned to retrieve his pencil. Kalgon immediately fled screaming at the sight of Schmegma.
In his castle, King Plough consulted with the wizard Magic Jones on how to improve Ye Little Points of Five. King Plough suggested forging his hoard of precious metals into plates to cover the holes in the roads, but Jones preferred the idea of turning the metal into artworks. King Plough snapped at Jones’ suggestion, then apologized, explaining that he was upset because Queen Franklin of Atlantia had refused his invitation to tea. Jones offered to use his staff’s enchanted crystal to spy on Queen Franklin, and they observed her taking a shower. King Plough took the wizard’s staff for “safekeeping,” and the unsupported Jones collapsed.
Out in the forest, the adventurers Tarquin the Gangly and Gatormaid were relaxing by the fire. Gatormaid’s reptilian legs and tail made it difficult for her to sit, so the elf offered himself as a chair. Suddenly, Tarquin’s ox Thacko sensed a disturbance in the distance. Alerted to danger, Tarquin and Gatormaid sniffed the air and immediately recognized the smell of Schmegma. They set off to consult the elders to find out how to defeat the dragon.
Meanwhile, the wicked Baron Üterrüs was working at his lair of evil, “Linens Und Thïngs,” when King Plough entered, seeking assistance on beautifying Castle Post. Üterrüs suggested window treatments. When Plough asked him to explain what he meant, Üterrüs looked the king in the eye and planted the vision in his head. Impressed, Plough hired the Baron as his royal decorator, giving him free rein and the keys to the castle.
Tarquin the Gangly rode to Castle Post and warned Magic Jones about Schmegma’s awakening. Tarquin recalled that his people lost 8,000 of their number in the last battle with Schmegma…of course, the elves are ALWAYS losing 8,000 of their number in some disaster or another.
Still fleeing in terror, Kalgon ran into Francis of the Rock People. Kalgon attempted to explain what he saw, gesticulating wildly. As he did so, a mask fell from Kalgon’s sleeve (or from the heavens, depending on whom you believe). Kalgon tried on the mask, and Francis was unable to recognize him, despite the fact that Kalgon had donned the mask right in front of Francis’ eyes. (“The mask has special powers! File that one away.”) Removing the mask and resuming their conversation, Kalgon reminded Francis of the time Francis attempted to hold up a collapsing dam, but let go after a stick hit him in the eye. Francis resolved not to fail again.
On his way back to the castle, King Plough was napping in the forest when Schmegma arrived. As the dragon attacked, a mysterious portal suddenly opened behind them, and a 2003 Lincoln Navigator emerged and ran over Schmegma. As the confused driver emerged from the car, King Plough thanked the mysterious savior who had slain the dragon. The woman explained that she had just been on the way to pick up her kids and was talking on her cell phone when she suddenly found herself here. Plough invited her to the castle, then celebrated Schmegma’s death with a victory song.
Baron Üterrüs was checking the windows at Castle Post when Magic Jones entered. The two old adversaries faced off, but Jones’ spells could do no more than give the Baron a very slight fever. Üterrüs gloated that Jones’ powers were weak, and that he would be no more if he exhausted his powers. The Baron then addressed Jones as “My old master.”
As Gatormaid was preparing dinner in the woods, Kalgon arrived wearing the enchanted mask. Gatormaid recognized Kalgon regardless, and permitted him to mooch some of her food. Removing the mask, Kalgon explained that he had awakened Schmegma. At the mention of the dragon’s name, Gatormaid’s interest was piqued. She revealed that, as she was of Schmegma’s kind, the jewel in his lair could restore her to her full alligator self. Kalgon explained that the gem had fallen down the mountain, then donned the mask once again. Gatormaid told him that the mask’s powers don’t fool her “gator senses,” explaining that she got a tingling feeling running down her reptile half below the legs. (“Let me get this straight. I turn on your reptilian self, but not the woman in you?”)
Francis of the Rock People ran into Tarquin the Gangly. They soon realized that they were both searching for Schmegma, and decided to join forces. Finding a weapons rack, Tarquin grabbed a bow and arrows, while Francis attempted to pick up a sword between his stone hands.
King Plough led his new acquaintance, Chambliss Tucker, to Castle Post.
PLOUGH: “I rule all you can see…unless you have really excellent vision, because I don’t rule that over there in the distance.”
Chambliss was impressed by the castle, explaining that she’d never met royalty before. Plough replied that he could make her a queen. Suddenly, Baron Üterrüs entered and was stunned by the sight of Chambliss, whom he mistook for his lost love Ilsabetta. After Plough introduced them to each other, Üterrüs offered Chambliss a position as an apprentice in his redecorating business.
Magic Jones was preparing to cast a spell to organize a parade, when Gatormaid rushed in. Jones offered her a seat, which she was unable to use comfortably. Gatormaid asked why Jones hadn’t yet found a potion to restore her. He apologized for his fading powers, and cautioned her that she might need to seek out a stronger wizard. Jones resolved to keep trying to restore her…or at least design a chair that she can actually sit in.
Searching for Schmegma, Tarquin and Francis discovered Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator in the forest. Mistaking the strange metal chariot for a dragon, they were about to attack when Kalgon arrived and informed them that Schmegma had been slain. Tarquin was disappointed that their adventure was over before they’d even started, but Kalgon offered them a new quest to retrieve the lost gem from the dragon’s lair.
Baron Üterrüs was showing Chambliss around his shop, explaining that he was in the business of potions, spells, murder and decorating. He told Chambliss that he was strongly attracted to her, but she explained that she has a husband back home in Marietta. Besides, a relationship wouldn’t be a good idea because he was her boss (not to mention being kind of scary). Chambliss asked what there was to eat in this neighborhood, and Üterrüs suggested “elvin goodies, dwarvish tidbits, and hobbit little pies.”
CHAMBLISS: “Well, I’ll try anything once.”
ÜTERRÜS: “Really? How do you feel about necrophilia?”
TO BE CONTINUED…
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