Episode 11: In Which Sanity Is Restored
In the remains of the Governor’s office, Gov. Gwinnett was going over the disappointing election results—a three-way tie with one vote each for Gwinnett, Seth, and Mickey Mouse. Gwinnett thought that he might increase his popularity by performing a spectacular stunt, like jumping over two horses or encasing himself in ice. DeGranville suggested that they put Gwinnett in the stocks and have the people make suggestions to him.
DEGRANVILLE: “You know what the stocks are?”
GWINNETT: “It’s soup, right?”
Ridickolas Nickleby, disguised with a long beard, eyepatch, cloak, and shepherd’s crook, stopped by the Clermont Tavern, begging for alms for a war veteran. The Widow Cocovin, fooled by his outfit, decided that his combat experience could be valuable, and invited him to join the Revolution.
Having been impregnated by Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, Princess Penelope was planning a baby shower with Seth and Sir Charles Norris (who suggested gathering a wagonful of infants and dump them off a rooftop, creating a shower of babies). Seth suggested a bachelorette party, making a lewd pantomime which Norris interpreted as tickling a pistol. Norris expressed his disappointment that the Princess had disgraced the crown by giving up her maidenhead to a Spaniard. She reminded Norris that she was still royalty, and that he should mind his place.
In the empty stable, Hector contemplated (in song) his impending fatherhood. His faithful steed Cacafuego came running. Sensing Cacafuego’s heartbreak, Hector swore to reunite Cacafuego with his true love Thunderpumpkin (the horse of the late Arnedict Barnold).
The disguised Nickleby (calling himself “Jimmy”) was preparing a giant bowl of soup for Gov. Gwinnett’s spectacular feat. They began brainstorming ideas for other stunts, until Gwinnett finally saw through Nickleby’s disguise. Nickleby hit Gwinnett in the gut with his shepherd’s crook, then ran off.
Cocovin stopped by DeGranville’s lair to boast that she had organized an army to take on the British forces. DeGranville revealed that he had known of her plans all along, but had let her proceed because he respected her as a worthy opponent. He then revealed that Gwinnett’s idiocy had convinced him that Britain was unworthy of his loyalty. DeGranville was no longer on England’s side…he was now on DeGranville’s side. Whether that’s the same as the colonist’s side was another matter.
While searching for male prostitutes for her bachelorette party, Penelope asked Seth to be her baby’s godfather. He replied that he couldn’t handle such responsibility, but that he would be proud to be “Uncle Seth.” He offered to use his knowledge of the future to invent new games and rides for her child.
Hector, searching for Thunderpumpkin, ran into Sir Charles Norris. Knowing Norris’ reputation as the world’s greatest tracker, Hector asked for his help in finding the horse. Norris immediately went behind the building and returned with Thunderpumpkin. He then gave Hector one second to tell him why he shouldn’t snap the horse’s neck. One second later, Hector replied “True love.” Norris spared Thunderpumpkin, but demanded a favor in return…he wanted Hector to tickle his pistol. As Hector did so, Penelope walked by and was shocked by the sight. She was so enraged, she began speaking in a Spanish accent. Hector revealed that his Spanish DNA had gotten into her..and furthermore, his immortal seed would produce an inhuman baby.
Collecting taxes, DeGranville met a “stranger” calling himself Ludacris Jefferson. Seeing through Nickleby’s disguise, DeGranville asked why he had not escaped, noting that Gwinnett will surely kill him if he finds him. Nickleby assured him that he could handle Gwinnett, explaining how he had escaped by striking Gwinnett in the stomach. Horrified, DeGranville revealed that a blow to the solar plexus is the one thing that can restore Gwinnett’s sanity. For 24 hours, the Governor will be rational, and more dangerous than ever. With his life in danger and nothing waiting for him back home (as his wife “Mitzi”—whom Nickleby confessed was actually “Michael”—had left him), Nickleby decided to rob the treasury and form a new life in another colony with DeGranville. They only had to get past the treasury’s guard, Sir Charles Norris. Luckily, Nickleby knew Norris’ one weakness.
Penelope explained to the now-sane Gwinnett that she was pregnant with a monster child. Gwinnett calmly and reasonably suggested that she throw herself down a flight of stairs. (“Apparently, your being sane just means that you’re an asshole,” she replied.) The fetus loudly threatened Gwinnett from the womb.
Seth entered the Clermont Tavern and found Cocovin going over the battle plans. Seth revealed that he had drawn up the plans himself, pointing out the doodles of Mario and Luigi. Impressed by his plans, Cocovin invited him to help join the Revolution. Seth was amazed and flattered…he had been a nobody in his own time, but now he had a chance to be a hero.
Sir Charles Norris was guarding the bank when his grandson, Sir Richard DeGranville, came in to withdraw all the treasury’s funds. As all the accounts were in DeGranville’s name anyway, this was actually a legitimate transaction…but Norris insisted that DeGranville had to maintain the minimum balance. Just then, Nickleby (disguised as a clown) arrived with a mouse…Norris’ one weakness. The terrified Norris jumped up on the desk, but soon regained his composure. Norris warned them that he could kill them in 18 different ways, then demonstrated his skills by chopping off the lower left legs of both Nickleby and DeGranville, switching them around. DeGranville pointed out that his left leg was fake to begin with, so he was unharmed. He then demonstrated the new lethal skill he had learned from the Choctaw, by striking a powerful blow to Norris’ chest. He explained to his grandfather that the injury would kill him after he takes five steps. Norris and DeGranville took four steps together to say their goodbyes (while Nickleby retrieved his leg and reattached it). Norris asked his grandson to name his future child Charles Norris, and continue the line of Charles Norrises for generations to come. A light shone down on them, and Norris saw God. (“After the life you’ve led?” “True, but if Heaven didn’t take Sir Charles Norris, Hell couldn’t handle the ass-kicking he would bring.”) They took the last step together, and Sir Charles Norris collapsed into his grandson’s arms. Unfortunately, the touching tableau was spoiled when Norris’ body slid down until his face was against DeGranville’s groin.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label charles norris. Show all posts
Showing posts with label charles norris. Show all posts
Friday, May 16, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Episode 9: In Which Seth Is Portrayed by Guest Star Chris Blair
Episode 9: In Which Seth Is Portrayed by Guest Star Chris Blair
In the burned-out ruins of the Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was sleeping on his desk (the only thing left standing) when Sir Richard DeGranville arrived. DeGranville, freed from his position as Gwinnett’s assistant, thanked the governor for making his life so miserable, because he was now enjoying his freedom so much more by contrast.
In the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin was looking over the stolen British battle plans when the legendary British agent Sir Charles Norris (“The Foxhound”) burst out of the ground (having tunneled his way from England) and ordered some boiled meat. He explained that he had been sent by King George III to recover the stolen plans and to find the spy who had taken them. (“There is a mole in our midst, and I’m here to whack that mole!”) He informed Cocovin that he knew what had happened to her husband. She angrily threw the boiled meat at his face, and he caught it in his mouth.
Ridickolas Nickleby went to Princess Penelope and confessed to burning down the Governor’s mansion during the great ruckus. He feared that his punishment would be worsened…perhaps his rope would be shortened so that he’d no longer have the run of the town. Penelope proposed an escape plan, in which she would create a diversion by starting a fistfight with a piece of meat, while he slips free from his rope and attaches it to somebody else.
Seth and Hector “Macho” Gazpacho boarded the docked casino boat for some recreation; Seth worried about being carded, seeing as how he was –300 years old. Luckily, they got in with no problem. Hector showed Seth how to play pinochle, which consists of throwing a nut to a monkey and making a wish. Seth was torn between two wishes—either to get back home in time for his dying mother’s birthday, or for 24 elephants to fall from the sky.
Sir Charles Norris arrived at the wreckage of the Governor’s office to find Gwinnett asleep on the desk. Disgusted, he woke up the Governor by kicking him in the head. Norris informed Gwinnett that he had been sent for two reasons: to find the mole, and to rescue a British POW who was missing in action. Gwinnett told Norris that Nickleby isn’t missing, he just works at the Clermont Tavern.
Penelope was wandering the streets searching for meat when an elephant fell from the sky. She invited the elephant to join her in a game; she explained that she would beat him up, then her friend would put his tether around the elephant’s foot. When the elephant asked what he would get out of this arrangement, she offered to finger his trunk. The elephant agreed.
Sir Richard DeGranville was strolling through town as elephants continued to fall from the sky. He found Seth crying over having wasted his wish. DeGranville explained that the casino boat was a ghost ship, and would return in a year so that Seth could make another wish. Seth cried that his mother would be dead by then, but DeGranville pointed out that, since time travel was involved, Seth could simply wish to go back at any point to have enough time with her.
Sir Charles Norris found Nickleby’s tether in the street, and began following it. Unfortunately, he was following it in the wrong direction.
The Widow Cocovin returned to the Tavern and found Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, who now wanted to treat her as the great-great-etc.-granddaughter he never knew he had. He sat her on his knee and told her (in song) the bedtime story of Buddy the Raccoon and His Forest Pals.
Sir Charles Norris finally tracked the rope back to its source, scaling the side of a building up to the roof where it was attached to a post. On the rooftop, he found Sir Richard DeGranville. They recalled their bitter past, when DeGranville was evicted from the Assassins’ Guild for killing one of their own, and Norris refused to defend him. DeGranville revealed that, since leaving the Guild, he had learned some new tricks from the Choctaw. Norris pleaded with him to reveal his secrets…and pleading is something that Sir Charles Norris NEVER does!
The elephant having abandoned her, Princess Penelope was searching for something to beat up when the Widow Cocovin walked by, angry about an insulting letter that Penelope had sent her. As the engaged in some pre-catfight banter, Nickleby stealthily slipped his shackle on Cocovin. Once it was in place, Penelope sucker-punched Cocovin and ran.
Hector and Seth returned to the dock, 24 elephants in tow, trying to summon the ghost ship again. Soon, the boat reappeared, helmed by Ghost Pirate Captain Casino. Captain Casino offered Seth a chance to win one more wish with a game of pinochle. The scene went into slow-motion as Seth threw the peanut.
Sir Charles Norris was forcibly keeping Gov. Gwinnett awake by holding his eyelids open. He informed Gwinnett that he had narrowed the list of suspects down to seven people, so he was just going to kill them all. When Gwinnett said that seemed a little extreme, Norris countered that he could not fail in his mission, because failure was his only fear. Gwinnett responded by listing all of his fears, which boiled down to a list of long, cylindrical objects. Considering what this meant, Norris asked Gwinnett whether or not he was, in fact, a woman.
Ridickolas Nickleby was enjoying his newfound freedom when he ran into Sir Richard DeGranville. They discussed Nickleby’s future as a free man. DeGranville offered to give Nickleby a parcel of land so that he could enjoy the power of being a landowner, but warned him that one man stood in their way…Sir Charles Norris. DeGranville revealed that Norris was the man who gave him his facial scar. When Nickleby pointed out that DeGranville had previously said he got the scar from playing with his grandfather’s sword, DeGranville made another revelation…Sir Charles Norris IS his grandfather.
Princess Penelope visited Hector’s quarters with one purpose in mind: She wanted to be impregnated. Hector’s Spanish sense of romance would not let him “just get it over with,” so he explained (in a rap) how he would make love to her (a process involving a Great Dane and a hot fudge sundae). She eagerly agreed.
The tethered Cocovin returned to the Clermont Tavern, where Gwinnett was drinking while Norris was crying over his fear of failure. Upon her entrance, Norris stopped crying and reasserted his manhood by punching her in the face and setting her on fire. Gwinnett was unimpressed, so Norris put on further displays of machismo, concluding by punching the bottom of his glass. Much to his surprise, it actually broke.
TO BE CONTINUED…
In the burned-out ruins of the Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was sleeping on his desk (the only thing left standing) when Sir Richard DeGranville arrived. DeGranville, freed from his position as Gwinnett’s assistant, thanked the governor for making his life so miserable, because he was now enjoying his freedom so much more by contrast.
In the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin was looking over the stolen British battle plans when the legendary British agent Sir Charles Norris (“The Foxhound”) burst out of the ground (having tunneled his way from England) and ordered some boiled meat. He explained that he had been sent by King George III to recover the stolen plans and to find the spy who had taken them. (“There is a mole in our midst, and I’m here to whack that mole!”) He informed Cocovin that he knew what had happened to her husband. She angrily threw the boiled meat at his face, and he caught it in his mouth.
Ridickolas Nickleby went to Princess Penelope and confessed to burning down the Governor’s mansion during the great ruckus. He feared that his punishment would be worsened…perhaps his rope would be shortened so that he’d no longer have the run of the town. Penelope proposed an escape plan, in which she would create a diversion by starting a fistfight with a piece of meat, while he slips free from his rope and attaches it to somebody else.
Seth and Hector “Macho” Gazpacho boarded the docked casino boat for some recreation; Seth worried about being carded, seeing as how he was –300 years old. Luckily, they got in with no problem. Hector showed Seth how to play pinochle, which consists of throwing a nut to a monkey and making a wish. Seth was torn between two wishes—either to get back home in time for his dying mother’s birthday, or for 24 elephants to fall from the sky.
Sir Charles Norris arrived at the wreckage of the Governor’s office to find Gwinnett asleep on the desk. Disgusted, he woke up the Governor by kicking him in the head. Norris informed Gwinnett that he had been sent for two reasons: to find the mole, and to rescue a British POW who was missing in action. Gwinnett told Norris that Nickleby isn’t missing, he just works at the Clermont Tavern.
Penelope was wandering the streets searching for meat when an elephant fell from the sky. She invited the elephant to join her in a game; she explained that she would beat him up, then her friend would put his tether around the elephant’s foot. When the elephant asked what he would get out of this arrangement, she offered to finger his trunk. The elephant agreed.
Sir Richard DeGranville was strolling through town as elephants continued to fall from the sky. He found Seth crying over having wasted his wish. DeGranville explained that the casino boat was a ghost ship, and would return in a year so that Seth could make another wish. Seth cried that his mother would be dead by then, but DeGranville pointed out that, since time travel was involved, Seth could simply wish to go back at any point to have enough time with her.
Sir Charles Norris found Nickleby’s tether in the street, and began following it. Unfortunately, he was following it in the wrong direction.
The Widow Cocovin returned to the Tavern and found Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, who now wanted to treat her as the great-great-etc.-granddaughter he never knew he had. He sat her on his knee and told her (in song) the bedtime story of Buddy the Raccoon and His Forest Pals.
Sir Charles Norris finally tracked the rope back to its source, scaling the side of a building up to the roof where it was attached to a post. On the rooftop, he found Sir Richard DeGranville. They recalled their bitter past, when DeGranville was evicted from the Assassins’ Guild for killing one of their own, and Norris refused to defend him. DeGranville revealed that, since leaving the Guild, he had learned some new tricks from the Choctaw. Norris pleaded with him to reveal his secrets…and pleading is something that Sir Charles Norris NEVER does!
The elephant having abandoned her, Princess Penelope was searching for something to beat up when the Widow Cocovin walked by, angry about an insulting letter that Penelope had sent her. As the engaged in some pre-catfight banter, Nickleby stealthily slipped his shackle on Cocovin. Once it was in place, Penelope sucker-punched Cocovin and ran.
Hector and Seth returned to the dock, 24 elephants in tow, trying to summon the ghost ship again. Soon, the boat reappeared, helmed by Ghost Pirate Captain Casino. Captain Casino offered Seth a chance to win one more wish with a game of pinochle. The scene went into slow-motion as Seth threw the peanut.
Sir Charles Norris was forcibly keeping Gov. Gwinnett awake by holding his eyelids open. He informed Gwinnett that he had narrowed the list of suspects down to seven people, so he was just going to kill them all. When Gwinnett said that seemed a little extreme, Norris countered that he could not fail in his mission, because failure was his only fear. Gwinnett responded by listing all of his fears, which boiled down to a list of long, cylindrical objects. Considering what this meant, Norris asked Gwinnett whether or not he was, in fact, a woman.
Ridickolas Nickleby was enjoying his newfound freedom when he ran into Sir Richard DeGranville. They discussed Nickleby’s future as a free man. DeGranville offered to give Nickleby a parcel of land so that he could enjoy the power of being a landowner, but warned him that one man stood in their way…Sir Charles Norris. DeGranville revealed that Norris was the man who gave him his facial scar. When Nickleby pointed out that DeGranville had previously said he got the scar from playing with his grandfather’s sword, DeGranville made another revelation…Sir Charles Norris IS his grandfather.
Princess Penelope visited Hector’s quarters with one purpose in mind: She wanted to be impregnated. Hector’s Spanish sense of romance would not let him “just get it over with,” so he explained (in a rap) how he would make love to her (a process involving a Great Dane and a hot fudge sundae). She eagerly agreed.
The tethered Cocovin returned to the Clermont Tavern, where Gwinnett was drinking while Norris was crying over his fear of failure. Upon her entrance, Norris stopped crying and reasserted his manhood by punching her in the face and setting her on fire. Gwinnett was unimpressed, so Norris put on further displays of machismo, concluding by punching the bottom of his glass. Much to his surprise, it actually broke.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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