Season 5, Episode 20: Quagmire's Miracle Elixir

Episode 20: Quagmire’s Miracle Elixir

Sheriff Madeline Clementine was going over some paperwork when self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean entered, distraught over Titsy McJugpuddles’ walking out on him.

MADELINE: “If you hadn’t treated me as shabbily as that woman treated you, you might find some sympathy here.”

Jean wanted to declare Tuesdays “Titsy McJugpuddles Day” to win her back, but Madeline advised him that desperation and pity wouldn’t get her…self-confidence would. Jean tried to put on his old brave face, but couldn’t.

Jesus Christ came back to town to help Constance take care of the baby. Constance confessed that she couldn’t handle the stress of parenthood, but mentioned that she’d invented a new kind of baby food by grinding peanuts into a butter-like consistency (and that she’d sent the recipe to her friend George Washington Carver). Constance cried that she wanted to put her vagina back in and start enjoying herself again. Jesus advised her to be true to herself and do what was best for her.

Titsy McJugpuddles went to the schoolhouse as class let out. She explained to Will that she wanted to resume her education and needed a tutor. Will showed her the Book of Knowledge, and she flirtatiously asked him to read the definition of “pleasure.” Too distracted to teach, Will told Titsy that she was “carbonating his hormones,” then invited her out. Titsy replied that they could just stay in instead.

Traveling medicine-show salesman Hewitt P. Quagmire walked into town and entered the general store. Meeting Roswell Diabolicus, Hewitt diagnosed him with artichoke lips and pelican skin, then recommended Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment as treatment. Hewitt offered him a free sample sip, though the price would be jacked up considerably after that. Roswell took a sip, then collapsed behind the counter, gasping. Seconds later, Roswell re-emerged…young, beardless, and prepared to pay any price for more ointment.

Madeline Clementine and Will McGotnuthin took off on the road to Cumming, in search of Madeline’s father’s journal. After singing a trail song, they stopped to rest. The horses whined until Will whipped his into submission. Madeline tried to tell Will about her attraction to him, but the conversation kept getting disrupted by the distracting noise of furry-headed crickets.

Constance Snell went to Castle Gayskull to try to get child-support payments from Roswell Diabolicus. Constance was very surprised when the now-youthful Roswell opened the door. He explained that his miraculous transformation wasn’t brought on by any of his own experiments, but by Hewitt P. Quagmire’s elixir. Constance was so awestruck that she almost forgot why she came in the first place. As she asked for money, Roswell suddenly started aging again and pooped his pants.

At the bar, Titsy McJugpuddle met Jesus and introduced herself as the town’s new erotic fan-dancer. Jesus reminisced about his friend John, whose head was cut off by an erotic dancer. Titsy demonstrated her dance moves. Jesus observed that her dance would probably be more effective if she actually took some clothes off. He advised her that her dance shouldn’t be about what she thinks men want, but about what makes her feel good.

Constance Snell was tending bar and playing with the baby when Hewitt P. Quagmire entered. Remembering Roswell’s transformation, Constance gave him a drink on the house and offered him a free room in exchange for Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment. After Constance took a sip, her hair suddenly became shorter and less brassy. She then gave a sip to the baby, who started speaking in an urbane, vaguely European accent. The baby offered to take care of the saloon while Constance and Hewitt went out together.

Back at Castle Gayskull, Roswell’s bushy eyebrows had grown back as the formula slowly wore off (though his beard hadn’t come back yet). Trapper Jean came to the castle to ask Roswell’s advice on restoring his self-confidence. Roswell reminded Jean of his prowess in killing animals, and Jean proudly reminisced about some of his favorite kills…Mr. Toesy the bobcat, Robespierre the ferret, Hop Hop the mayor… Jean’s happy memories prompted Roswell to recall some of his own evil deeds, including the plan to destroy the world with the Rhode Island Cannon.

Will and Madeline arrived in Cumming. Consulting the map Hop Hop had left them, they soon found her father’s journal. Inside, they found her father’s last letter to Madeline. He wrote that he had found gold and was afraid for his life, and that he planned on appointing his daughter as his successor. Madeline was thrilled to learn that her father’s dying act, pinning his badge on her, was a deliberate choice and not a confused, delirious mistake. The letter revealed that there was one other Clementine child that she didn’t know about. Unfortunately, Madeline’s father was interrupted and killed before he could finish the letter and reveal the secret. Awestruck, Madeline vowed to set out and discover her lost sibling. Will promised to accompany her, and demonstrated his devotion by giving her a furry-headed cricket as a pet.

That night, at the bar, the whole town had gathered to see Titsy McJugpuddles’ debut performance. Trapper Jean had dressed up for the occasion in his Foreign Legion uniform. As Titsy danced, Hewitt P. Quagmire offered Jean a sip of Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment to cure his heartbreak and restore his confidence. Revitalized, Jean strode forward and started dancing with Titsy.

TO BE CONTINUED…