Season 5, Episode 4: Sixteen Tons of Cotton

Episode 4: Sixteen Tons of Cotton

Roswell Diabolicus invited Sam the Horse into the general store and offered him some oats. As Sam bent down to get the oats, Roswell came up behind him in a particularly obscene manner, then told Sam that he could pay for the oats by “giving him a ride.” Sam changed the subject by asking “Hey, wasn’t that cat dead?” Roswell informed him that Mr. Nosy had indeed been shot, but had been healed by Brigham Young. Already creeped out by the undead cat, Sam quickly cut out when Roswell asked it “What’s that, Mr. Nosy? You can smell his brains?”

Brigham Young’s daughter Shirlene was cleaning up at Jed’s Saloon (having been left in charge while Constance was away), while Red Clay explained about the plans for his tribe to take over the city. Shirlene poured a couple of drinks…and two hours later, Shirlene got the thoroughly plastered Red Clay to give her the treaty for safekeeping.

Will McGotnuthin, the town schoolteacher, paid a visit to Mayor Hop Hop to request more school supplies, since they only had volume “Z” of the encyclopedia. Hop Hop, however, wanted to keep the white kids ignorant so they wouldn’t think themselves better than Hop Hop’s people. Will suggested a compromise, requesting the “C” volume so the kids could learn about China. He even invited Hop Hop to be a guest speaker, informing him that the Montessori system wouldn’t censor his teaching at all. Hop Hop agreed, and immediately pulled out the “C” encyclopedia. Will then asked Hop Hop for another favor …to make sure Brigham Young stays out of town.

Having fled from a torch-wielding mob, Brigham Young found his way to an old abandoned cotton mine. He was startled to meet grizzled old prospector Jabby Butts, who invited Brigham to join his in his quest for the deepest, rarest cotton that’s ever been mined.

JABBY: “There’s just three conditions. You gotta work hard, you gotta drink whiskey, and there’s a vow of celibacy.”
BRIGHAM: “It’s just you & me down there, right?”

Still rattled by his experience in Roswell’s store, Sam the Horse ran into Will McGotnuthin. As Will talked about his plans for the store, Sam began feeling inadequate due to his own lack of education. Will invited Sam to sit in and audit the classes. Sam confessed that he’d hated Will when they first met, but had warmed up to him. Will observed that he still hadn’t used the chesspiece calling card to summon Sam, despite having had several guns pointed at him during his short time in Little One Point. Sam cautioned Will to save it for when he’s in a REALLY tight spot.

WILL: “I appreciate your confidence in my getting in trouble.”

Red Clay woke up with a terrible hangover, then realized the treaty was missing. (“Red Clay big-time screwed!”)

Shirlene was still cleaning up at the saloon when Roswell Diabolicus entered. Roswell compained that she was supposed to have arrived in town two weeks earlier, but Shirlene soothed his temper by handing him the treaty. They shared a passionate kiss.

Down in the cotton mine, Jabby Butts explained that the mine shaft was only wide enough for one; Brigham will be lowered down on a rope while Jabby holds it secure. They tested the depth of the supposedly bottomless pit by dropping in a rock. Hearing a splash, Jabby realized they’d stumbled onto the legendary water cotton, a substance nobody had ever actually seen.

JABBY: “Water cotton! Rarer than gold, shinier than Heaven, smoother than silk…I’m just guessing here.”

They prepared to lower Brigham down the shaft, when something snapped.

Mayor Hop Hop held a meeting of his cabinet: himself, Roswell Diabolicus, and Sam the Horse (his newly-appointed groundskeeper). Hop Hop kept on mouthing off to Roswell until he finally noticed that Roswell was pointing a gun at him. With no way to save himself, Hop Hop rubbed the chesspiece to summon Sam’s help. Sam rushed to the rescue, kicking Roswell into unconsciousness. By using the chesspiece, Hop Hop had used up his favor, but they agreed it was well worth it. Hop Hop rewarded Sam by appointing him the new sheriff. Coming to, Roswell revealed that he had the treaty, and thus now owned the town. Unimpressed, Sam arrested Roswell. Roswell insisted that his authority overruled both Hop Hop’s and Sam’s, and they bickered back and forth for a while until Roswell finally gave in and went to jail.

Will McGotnuthin entered the saloon and met Shirlene. Aghast that a 12-year-old was running a bar, Will invited her to come to school so that she could learn some other occupation. Shirlene confessed that she was distraught because her father, Brigham Young, had run off again. Hearing the name of his hated enemy, Will offered to take her to Roswell Diabolicus so that Roswell could be her new father.

Having both fallen into the abyss, Brigham Young and Jabby Butts were attacked by a giant alligator.

Red Clay did a dance around the campfire to summon the spirits of his ancestors. After he confessed that he had lost the treaty, his ancestors told him that it was in the hands of the man with the “spookum hat,” in the room with bars.

Back in the mineshaft, Jabby Butts had been bitten and mortally wounded by the alligator. Brigham called upon the Lord to help him heal Jabby. Instead, the Lord spoke and explained that He was calling Jabby home so that Brigham may live. As Jabby ascended into Heaven, his limp straightened out and his beard fell off, and he was once again a young, whole man. The Lord told Brigham to remember what Jabby had taught him, but Brigham had no idea what that meant.

In the jail, Roswell Diabolicus tried to persuade Sam to release him by offering him the position of mayor and his own salt mine. Angered by Roswell’s bribe attempts, Sam got right up in Roswell’s face, grabbing the bars in the process. Suddenly, Sam discovered that the bars were now in front of himself, and that Roswell was now free!

TO BE CONTINUED…