Season 5, Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit

Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit

Will McGotnuthin dismissed his class, telling the children that he may not be around to teach them anymore, since his sisters had come to town. As the kids left, Crab and Carnita McGotnuthin entered and confronted their brother. They lectured him about his leaving them to rot in jail…then handed him a script. Whether he liked it or not, he was joining the family Shakespeare troupe again…mainly because Crab was sick of playing all the men’s parts.

Madeline Clementine wandered on the outskirts of town. Though she was still suffering from amnesia, her horrible facial wounds had been repaired by the herbal remedies of the old Indian woman She-Heals-So-Good. Suddenly, Jesus Christ came by, riding on the Easter Bunny. They discussed her amnesia, and Madeline admitted that her loss of memory had filled her with a sense of purpose to find out both her own identity and that of her true love. Jesus explained that her amnesia was a blessing in disguise, since it had rid her of all her emotional baggage.

Constance Snell was starstruck after meeting the McGotnuthin sisters. She told them that she had done some performing of her own, and gave them a sample of her stand-up comedy act. They invited her to join their troupe.

In an attempt to add more variety to her fan-dancing act, Titsy McJugpuddles was practicing the “Who’s on First” routine with Ass Masterson. Suddenly, a mysterious masked stranger entered. He announced that he was the notorious Kissing Bandit, and that his kiss reveals the heart’s desires. He kissed Titsy, who immediately broke into song (something about becoming half-fish). The Bandit then kissed Ass Masterson, who revealed that his heart’s desire was to be an uncle (“all the joys of parenthood without all the bitching & moaning”).

In Madeline’s absence, Roswell Diabolicus had appointed himself sheriff. Mayor Trapper Jean came to his door, campaigning for re-election. Roswell noticed Jean’s new upbeat personality, but Jean feebly claimed that he was still the same old evil Jean. Roswell suggested that Jean prove his evilness by signing an affidavit confessing to killing Hop Hop. Jean refused to sign, but did admit his guilt in the presence of the baby…who, besides being invulnerable, could also record and play back anything he heard. As sheriff, Roswell arrested Trapper Jean. Knowing that no ordinary cell could hold Jean, Roswell announced that he had designed a special “Trapper Keeper.”

The McGotnuthin family and Constance were rehearsing their show. As Will and Apollonia practiced a love scene, Apollonia went off script and revealed that she truly did feel a forbidden love for her brother. Everybody in the room was freaked out by this revelation, but before they could discuss it, the Kissing Bandit entered and started kissing everyone. One by one, they revealed their deepest wishes. Crab wanted to go to New York and work with the greatest actor of all: John Wilkes Booth. Apollonia wanted to stop robbing & raping every man she met, and just settle down and rape the same man every night. Carnita wanted to stop wandering from town to town, and to establish a permanent Shakespeare festival in Atlanta. And Constance just wanted to see Carnita’s breasts pop out of her bodice.

Trapper Jean was struggling to escape from the binder that shackled his hands. (“If you think these chains can bind me…you’re pretty much correct.”) Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit arrived and kissed Jean. Jean realized that his true heart’s desire was to continue his evil ways, and that he was only fooling himself by trying to reform. Filled with a renewed sense of purpose, Jean burst free from the Trapper Keeper and swore revenge on Roswell.

Will McGotnuthin was packing up his belongings when he looked out the window and saw Madeline Clementine wandering in the street. He rushed out and hurriedly explained that the Kissing Bandit had made him realize that his heart’s desire was to be with her, but he CAN’T be with her or else his sisters would kill her, so he had to run away for her own protection. He then rushed off before Madeline could explain about her amnesia or ask him who he was.

MADELINE: “I feel a tremendous sense of loss, but its source is unclear to me.”

Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson had just finished constructing the stage for the McGotnuthins’ performance. Suddenly, Trapper Jean ran across the stage.

ASS: “Well, we know it can withstand the running of a man.”
JESUS: “But can it withstand Shakespearean acting?”
ASS: “NOTHING can withstand Shakespearean acting.”

Roswell Diabolicus was in the sheriff’s office, contemplating what he would do with his authority. He came up with a plan to arrest everybody in town, appoint himself mayor, and then secede from the Union. With Little One Point as his own sovereign nation, and with the power of the Rhode Island Cannon, Roswell would soon dominate the world. Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit rushed in and kissed Roswell (his most passionate kiss yet). Roswell realized that all his evil plans were just a cry for the attention he desired…the attention that his brother, Jesus Christ, always got. Roswell then informed the Kissing Bandit that he had one more desire… “Your brains as wallpaper!” With that, Roswell shot the Kissing Bandit.

Seeking revenge on Roswell, Trapper Jean was running to Castle Gayskull in slow-motion. He passed by Titsy’s Place and decided to stop in for a slow-motion quickie. Titsy (still in slow-motion) explained that she’d realized she preferred the intimate company of women. This only got Trapper Jean even more turned on.

Roswell Diabolicus was randomly shooting people in the street when Trapper Jean ran up at normal speed. Roswell tried to raise his gun to defend himself, but dropped it. Jean grabbed Roswell’s gun and declared that, with Roswell out of the way, now HE would carry out all of Roswell’s evil plans. Roswell pointed out that Jean probably couldn’t kill him, since he’d survived so many seemingly certain-death situations. Jean explained that he wasn’t going to kill him…he was simply going to shoot him with the mind-control bullets that Roswell himself had invented!

As the Shakespeare festival ended, the McGotnuthin sisters drew their weapons to hold up the audience. Madeline and Jesus pled with Will not to go through with it, but he couldn’t defy his sisters. After the rape & robbery were complete, the McGotnuthins made their escape with Will in tow as part of the gang again.

TO BE CONTINUED…