Episode 16: Twenty Years Later
The year is 2011, and Little Five Points High is preparing for the Class of 1991’s 20-year reunion. Principal Spoon (recuperating from his latest stroke) and Mr. (formerly Ms.) Munsen-Meyer stood by the lockers, reminiscing about old times. Munsen-Meyer recalled all those years he had spent lying to himself and living as a woman, and Spoon sang a slow, sad song about the passage of time.
At the Tasker Mansion, Owen Tasker and Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker were getting ready for the reunion. Sterling was reluctant to return to the school, and was only willing to go because Owen had promised her more Botox treatments. Owen was eager to survey the school property once more, since it was the one piece of real estate in Little Five Points he didn’t yet own. Once it was his, he would tear down the school and build a Wal-Mart.
Joe Luderman, P.I., ran into Todd Schrader, who had just flown in from Tonga and was still wearing his jungle garb. Joe and Todd hadn’t seen each other since they fought on opposite sides in the great Mustache Wars, but now greeted each other as friends. Todd explained that his wife, Gwendolyn Pinchot-Schrader, was unable to attend the reunion as she couldn’t get away from her duties teaching sign language to Tongan Death-Apes. Joe remarked that he hadn’t gone to the reunion of the high school he actually graduated from, but he couldn’t pass up this reunion because he considered his undercover days at L5PH to be his REAL high school.
Mr. Cook was reminiscing in a classroom when former Assistant Coach Damon walked in, looking considerably worse for wear. Damon explained that, after leaving the school, he had joined the Harlem Dodgeballers…or, rather, the Dodgeballers’ sister team that always played them. After 9 years of constantly losing to the Dodgeballers’ wacky antics, he finally realized that it was fixed, so he quit. He’d been just barely scraping by ever since, but he had come back because he’d heard that somebody was planning on buying Little Five Points High and eliminating the last vestige of public education in Georgia. Cook observed that, as bedraggled as Damon was, his package was larger than ever. Damon explained that he’d taken a dodgeball in the gut, forcing his intestines into his scrotum.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker was on the roof, reminiscing. Just then, Oral Hanks from Josten’s arrived. Sterling was surprised to see him, and remarked that the idea of the class ring salesman coming for the reunion was just really stupid.
ORAL: “Well, one man’s stupidity is another man’s idiocy…and that man is me.”
Oral offered Sterling a treatment even better than Botox…some super-DNA that can make her immortal. His price: Half a million dollars.
STERLING: “Ha! Half a million means nothing to me!”
ORAL: “Oh, did I say half a million? I meant a million.”
STERLING: “A million and a half and that’s my final offer.”
ORAL: “You’ve haggled me into submission.”
Principal Spoon met with Owen Tasker in the Tasker Towers offices. Spoon told Owen that Little Five Points High would never be sold as long as Spoon lived. Owen replied that that wouldn’t be much longer, considering what bad shape Spoon was in…one more stroke would likely finish him off. Owen then called in somebody to change Spoon’s mind. In walked a huge, menacing red creature with a big gun. Owen introduced it as Nekon, the Wal-Monster…a new corporate mascot that more accurately reflects the company’s goals, replacing that silly smiley-face. Unable to resist Nekon, Spoon signed away the school. Owen then ordered Nekon to take Spoon away and kill him.
Todd Schrader was hanging out on the gravity-ball field (formerly the football field from his jock days), when he received an incoming transmission from Gwen in Tonga. They attempted a conversation, but Gwen didn’t appear to be able to understand Todd’s responses.
Joe Luderman and Mr. Munsen-Meyer ran into each other in the cafeteria. Joe wasn’t prepared to call Munsen-Meyer “Mr.” yet, even though it was their sexual encounter that had caused Munsen-Meyer to accept his masculinity. Joe observed that gazing at Munsen-Meyer was like looking into a mirror…especially since they now both had the same mustache. Munsen-Meyer replied that he had indeed patterned his new life after Joe. Touched, Joe agreed to have coffee with him.
Oral Hanks met with Mr. Cook to discuss the school’s future. Oral revealed that Owen’s plans didn’t stop with Little Five Points High: he was going to turn the whole of Little Five Points into a Wal-Mart, and would force all the homeless people to work as greeters…even Wolf from the corner of Ponce & Briarcliff. They agreed that he must be stopped. Oral mentioned that he’d had military training during the Mustache Wars (which were kicked off by President Kerry’s decision to grow facial hair), but he couldn’t do it alone. They needed to build a Coalition of the Willing.
In the streets of Little Five Points, there is a legend of a long-forgotten hero who would re-emerge in the city’s darkest hour. Could the time have come for…the Fighting Panhandler?
Former Assistant Coach Damon went to the penthouse of Tasker Towers to confront Owen. Damon informed Owen that, if the school closed, he would carry on the cause of education by going door-to-door as a home-schooling gym teacher. Bored with Damon’s defiance, Owen called in Nekon. Damon immediately surrendered.
Principal Spoon was languishing in the dungeon of Tasker Towers when the Fighting Panhandler suddenly burst in and rescued him.
On the roof, Oral Hanks tried to persuade Joe to join the Coalition of the Willing. Joe replied that his fighting days were over, and that he was now proud to be a pussy. However, he changed his mind when Oral described a vision of Little Five Points as a giant Wal-Mart. Oral then offered Joe a sample of super-DNA that would make him 30% invulnerable. (“Now, you might think this DNA tastes like my semen…well, that’s accurate.”)
Todd Schrader smashed down the door of Owen’s office to confront him. Todd told Owen that he didn’t care if his resistance cost him his life, as he was at peace with his jungle gods. Owen replied that he knew what Todd DID care about…and with that, he pulled out a cute and cuddly Tongan Death-Ape, then snapped its neck. Owen told Todd that he had a whole truckload of apes in captivity, and he’d snap all their necks. Then he’d fly down to Tonga and do the same to Gwen. Owen went into a happy neck-snappin’ dance.
Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were reminiscing about old times. Cook told Munsen-Meyer that he’d always suspected there was something masculine about “her”…maybe it was that time he walked in on him naked in the office. Cook reflected on his own rich, full life, which included winning a Nobel Peace Prize for saving Jimmy Carter’s life. He asked Munsen-Meyer to join the Coalition of the Willing.
Principal Spoon, Oral Hanks, Joe Luderman and the Fighting Panhandler were planning their assault on Tasker Towers. Joe would dress up as a girl and create a distration, while the Panhandler drives a truck full of dynamite into the nearby power station. (The Panhandler was eager to carry out his part, even after it was pointed out that it would kill him.) Just then, Mr. Cook arrived with their secret weapon…Pepper the dodgeball. However, there was only one person who could wield Pepper efficiently: Former Assistant Coach Damon. They needed to find Damon and bring him to their side. Joe asked if he still needed to dress up as a girl.
Meanwhile, Damon confronted Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker about her Botox dependency. She told him that Oral Hanks had offered her something even better than Botox. Damon couldn’t remember how many times he’d fallen for that trick.
Principal Spoon and Mr. Cook were scaling the walls of Tasker Towers when Todd Schrader confronted them. He explained that he had no choice but to serve Owen, as the lives of thousands of Tongan Death-Apes were at stake. Spoon turned to Cook and revealed a bizarre fact about his affliction: Whenever he has a stroke, he also passes it on to anybody he’s in contact with when it hits him. Following Spoon’s request, Cook threw Pepper the dodgeball at Spoon, simultaneously inducing a stroke and knocking him into Todd.
Joe Luderman (in drag) and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were sneaking through the tower to create a diversion when former Assistant Coach Damon appeared. Damon was initially taken aback to see that Munsen-Meyer was a man, but soon regained his composure and called upon dark forces to summon Pepper to his hand. In a slow-motion fight scene, Damon hurled Pepper at Joe’s head. Joe withstood this injury, but just as he was about to take out Damon, Pepper ricocheted and struck Joe in the back, finishing him off.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker confronted her husband about his evil plans, telling him that no Wal-Mart was worth human lives. Owen replied that this wasn’t about Wal-Mart, it was about getting revenge on everybody who mistreated him in high school. Just then, a truck crashed through the window. Mr. Cook, Oral Hanks, and the Fighting Panhandler emerged from the truck. Everybody else who was still alive rushed in after hearing the crash, and the final face-off began. Sterling attempted to defuse the violence, but Owen ordered Nekon to shoot her if she got in the way of his true targets. Stunned that Owen was willing to sacrifice her, Sterling joined the Coalition of the Willing. With the battle lines drawn, chaos ensued. Nekon and the Panhandler engaged in a mascot-on-mascot struggle. The battle carried Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer out of the room, and shortly afterwards the detached wheels of Mr. Cook’s wheelchair rolled by, hinting at some horrific fate. Sterling was killed by a stray bullet. Distraught by her death, Damon rejoined the side of good. He tried to subdue Nekon by throwing Pepper at it, to no effect. Owen retrieved Pepper and hurled it at the stroke-afflicted Todd Schrader, killing him. In desperation, Damon reached into his shorts and pulled out his own intestines to strangle Nekon, destroying the Wal-Monster at the cost of his own life. Oral Hanks knelt beside the mortally-injured Fighting Panhandler, who passed along his oversize mascot glove-hand to Oral. Using the power of the Panhandler hand, Oral Hanks ripped out Owen’s heart. Left as the only survivor, Oral Hanks surveyed the carnage and delivered a moving speech.
ORAL: “You can’t tear out the heart of Little Five Points. Sometimes that heart smells of patchouli, sometimes it throws up on you at 3 AM…but it’s always beating. As I look at all these dead people, I know that they didn’t die in vain, because they saved the heart of Atlanta…these Little Points of Five.”
THE END
Showing posts with label gwen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gwen. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Season 8, Episode 15: Old West Enchantment Under Under the Sea
Episode 15: Old West Enchantment Under Under the Sea
Owen Tasker and Sterling Schremerhorn were making last-minute preparations for the prom, reflecting on how much they’d grown as people over the past year (as demonstrated by their compromise on the prom theme). Owen gave her a long-stemmed rose and confessed how nervous he was about their date, revealing that he was still a virgin. Sterling was touched by this show of vulnerability, finding it a striking contrast to his usual manipulative asshole self.
Mr. Cook was preparing for his job as prom photographer when Principal Spoon staggered in, strung out and on the lam after his run-in with Joe Luderman. Cook had a plan to help him out.
Prom chaperones Joe Luderman and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were going over the plans for the prom. (“Nobody’s gonna have sex, nobody’s gonna drink, nobody’s gonna do drugs, nobody’s gonna have fun.”) Munsen-Meyer proposed a series of whistle signals for various situations. As they talked, Joe confessed that he’d seen this undercover assignment as a chance to relive his high school days and do it right this time, only to discover that high school life still sucks. Joe and Munsen-Meyer started dancing, but she blew her whistle in his ear when he got too close.
Mr. Huggins was by himself, overseeing the prom. He went out into the crowd and asked a woman named Tammy to dance. After a bit of small talk, Huggins excused himself to ask Assistant Coach Damon for some romantic tips. (Damon’s advice: “Lead with the groin and always make eye contact.”)
Off in the corner, Todd showed Gwen a drawing he’d made of the two of them in a helicopter firing on the prom. She pinned the drawing to her dress as a corsage. Todd told her that he had a plan to ruin the prom, involving a bucket of Bavarian pig’s blood. In turn, Gwen revealed that she’d put some delayed-reaction, voice-activated itching powder down Sterling’s dress; when Principal Spoon names Sterling as Prom Queen, she’ll start itching uncontrollably, and hopefully brush against some candles and catch fire. Then they could make their getaway in Todd’s dad’s military helicopter.
Joe Luderman was patrolling the prom when he found the strung-out Principal Spoon lying under a table. He dragged Spoon over to the lounge, then returned to the prom. He asked Todd for some punch, in a strangely distorted voice. Joe explained that Ms. Munsen-Meyer had deafened him when she blew her whistle in his ear, causing him to speak like Marlee Matlin.
Owen Tasker asked Ms. Munsen-Meyer about her responsibilities counting the ballots for Prom King & Queen. Owen demanded that she name him Prom King, warning her that there’d be consequences if he wasn’t elected.
As Principal Spoon regained consciousness, Assistant Coach Damon told him that he needed to straighten out for the sake of the school. Spoon agreed, and handed over his last syringe of heroin as a show of his dedication.
Mr. Huggins took Sterling aside to offer some advice regarding her date with Owen. Much to Sterling’s surprise, he urged her to have sex with Owen and enjoy every second of it. She remarked that this was the best advice any teacher had ever given her.
The time came for Principal Spoon to name the Prom King and Queen. As soon as he announced Owen Tasker’s name, Todd Schrader implemented his plan to sabotage the prom, smashing vases and generally creating chaos before running off to his helicopter. After order was restored, Spoon announced the Prom Queen: Gwendolyn Pinchot! Sterling angrily tried to imitate Todd’s disruption by throwing down a vase, but it didn’t break. Owen and Gwen paired off for the King-and-Queen Dance, to “Arthur’s Theme.”
After the prom, Mr. Cook began cleaning up the trashed cafeteria, when he found Sterling sobbing hysterically. He consoled her about her public humiliation, reminiscing about his own high school days (“I was bald then, too.”). As they conversed, Cook’s voice activated the itching powder in Sterling’s dress.
Owen Tasker went to a convenience store to buy condoms, but the clerk refused to sell unless Owen proved that he knew how to use one by placing one on a French bread. Mr. Huggins walked in on the demonstration and immediately left in embarrassment.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was wracked with guilt over deafening Joe, on top of everything else that had gone wrong on her watch. Joe assured her that he still loved her, and we saw a musical montage of their lovemaking. However, afterwards, Munsen-Meyer sensed that something was still amiss. (“What is it, Joe? Is it my penis?”)
Mr. Huggins brought Principal Spoon home from rehab, then put him to bed and told him a bedtime story. In his delirium, Spoon saw his students acting out the bizarre tale (involving a quest for a fabulous gem concealed in the crotch of a chimpanzee).
In the aftermath of the prom, Mr. Cook and Assistant Coach Damon were discussing the school’s future. Cook had heard rumors that the school would be torn down to build the Jimmy Carter Library. Damon was so disgusted by the recent carnage that he couldn’t care less; in any case, he was resigning to pursue his dream of auditioning for the Harlem Dodgeballers.
Owen brought the itchy, drunk and exhausted Sterling to a hotel room for sex, but found himself plagued with doubt…when he’d dreamed of this moment, he’d envisioned her as being sober and falling in love with him. Sterling confessed that she’d already lost her virginity during the prom…to Dustin Pollack. Owen began choking, so Sterling performed the Heimlich Maneuver…which turned into sex.
Gwen was standing by the helipad when Todd brought the helicopter in for a landing. Todd confessed how hurt he had been to see her dancing with Owen, but she assured him that that was just a formality and that she had no feelings for Owen…her heart belonged to Todd. Todd realized that Gwen was too special for this town. He told her that there was $50,000 in the copter…enough for them to get married and start a new life in Tonga. Todd carried Gwen across the threshold of the helicopter.
NEXT WEEK: The final episode: Mr. Cook reveals his deepest, darkest secret.
Owen Tasker and Sterling Schremerhorn were making last-minute preparations for the prom, reflecting on how much they’d grown as people over the past year (as demonstrated by their compromise on the prom theme). Owen gave her a long-stemmed rose and confessed how nervous he was about their date, revealing that he was still a virgin. Sterling was touched by this show of vulnerability, finding it a striking contrast to his usual manipulative asshole self.
Mr. Cook was preparing for his job as prom photographer when Principal Spoon staggered in, strung out and on the lam after his run-in with Joe Luderman. Cook had a plan to help him out.
Prom chaperones Joe Luderman and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were going over the plans for the prom. (“Nobody’s gonna have sex, nobody’s gonna drink, nobody’s gonna do drugs, nobody’s gonna have fun.”) Munsen-Meyer proposed a series of whistle signals for various situations. As they talked, Joe confessed that he’d seen this undercover assignment as a chance to relive his high school days and do it right this time, only to discover that high school life still sucks. Joe and Munsen-Meyer started dancing, but she blew her whistle in his ear when he got too close.
Mr. Huggins was by himself, overseeing the prom. He went out into the crowd and asked a woman named Tammy to dance. After a bit of small talk, Huggins excused himself to ask Assistant Coach Damon for some romantic tips. (Damon’s advice: “Lead with the groin and always make eye contact.”)
Off in the corner, Todd showed Gwen a drawing he’d made of the two of them in a helicopter firing on the prom. She pinned the drawing to her dress as a corsage. Todd told her that he had a plan to ruin the prom, involving a bucket of Bavarian pig’s blood. In turn, Gwen revealed that she’d put some delayed-reaction, voice-activated itching powder down Sterling’s dress; when Principal Spoon names Sterling as Prom Queen, she’ll start itching uncontrollably, and hopefully brush against some candles and catch fire. Then they could make their getaway in Todd’s dad’s military helicopter.
Joe Luderman was patrolling the prom when he found the strung-out Principal Spoon lying under a table. He dragged Spoon over to the lounge, then returned to the prom. He asked Todd for some punch, in a strangely distorted voice. Joe explained that Ms. Munsen-Meyer had deafened him when she blew her whistle in his ear, causing him to speak like Marlee Matlin.
Owen Tasker asked Ms. Munsen-Meyer about her responsibilities counting the ballots for Prom King & Queen. Owen demanded that she name him Prom King, warning her that there’d be consequences if he wasn’t elected.
As Principal Spoon regained consciousness, Assistant Coach Damon told him that he needed to straighten out for the sake of the school. Spoon agreed, and handed over his last syringe of heroin as a show of his dedication.
Mr. Huggins took Sterling aside to offer some advice regarding her date with Owen. Much to Sterling’s surprise, he urged her to have sex with Owen and enjoy every second of it. She remarked that this was the best advice any teacher had ever given her.
The time came for Principal Spoon to name the Prom King and Queen. As soon as he announced Owen Tasker’s name, Todd Schrader implemented his plan to sabotage the prom, smashing vases and generally creating chaos before running off to his helicopter. After order was restored, Spoon announced the Prom Queen: Gwendolyn Pinchot! Sterling angrily tried to imitate Todd’s disruption by throwing down a vase, but it didn’t break. Owen and Gwen paired off for the King-and-Queen Dance, to “Arthur’s Theme.”
After the prom, Mr. Cook began cleaning up the trashed cafeteria, when he found Sterling sobbing hysterically. He consoled her about her public humiliation, reminiscing about his own high school days (“I was bald then, too.”). As they conversed, Cook’s voice activated the itching powder in Sterling’s dress.
Owen Tasker went to a convenience store to buy condoms, but the clerk refused to sell unless Owen proved that he knew how to use one by placing one on a French bread. Mr. Huggins walked in on the demonstration and immediately left in embarrassment.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was wracked with guilt over deafening Joe, on top of everything else that had gone wrong on her watch. Joe assured her that he still loved her, and we saw a musical montage of their lovemaking. However, afterwards, Munsen-Meyer sensed that something was still amiss. (“What is it, Joe? Is it my penis?”)
Mr. Huggins brought Principal Spoon home from rehab, then put him to bed and told him a bedtime story. In his delirium, Spoon saw his students acting out the bizarre tale (involving a quest for a fabulous gem concealed in the crotch of a chimpanzee).
In the aftermath of the prom, Mr. Cook and Assistant Coach Damon were discussing the school’s future. Cook had heard rumors that the school would be torn down to build the Jimmy Carter Library. Damon was so disgusted by the recent carnage that he couldn’t care less; in any case, he was resigning to pursue his dream of auditioning for the Harlem Dodgeballers.
Owen brought the itchy, drunk and exhausted Sterling to a hotel room for sex, but found himself plagued with doubt…when he’d dreamed of this moment, he’d envisioned her as being sober and falling in love with him. Sterling confessed that she’d already lost her virginity during the prom…to Dustin Pollack. Owen began choking, so Sterling performed the Heimlich Maneuver…which turned into sex.
Gwen was standing by the helipad when Todd brought the helicopter in for a landing. Todd confessed how hurt he had been to see her dancing with Owen, but she assured him that that was just a formality and that she had no feelings for Owen…her heart belonged to Todd. Todd realized that Gwen was too special for this town. He told her that there was $50,000 in the copter…enough for them to get married and start a new life in Tonga. Todd carried Gwen across the threshold of the helicopter.
NEXT WEEK: The final episode: Mr. Cook reveals his deepest, darkest secret.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Season 8, Episode 14: Prom Wars
Episode 14: Prom Wars
Mr. Cook invited Mr. Huggins to the upcoming fishing rodeo. Huggins, reveling in his newfound heterosexuality, asked if there’d be chicks there. Cook assured him that there would be, but warned him that some of those ladies who work at the VFW can be pretty wild.
Principal Spoon was going over plans for the prom when he met Oral Hanks, class ring salesman and prom consultant. Discussing the prom theme, Hanks dismissed the classic “Enchantment Under the Sea” theme as a cliché, and suggested they go with “Enchantment UNDER Under the Sea,” with the room decorated in a volcanic-cave motif and homeless people playing Morlocks.
Sterling Schremerhorn was at home, going over her ideas for an “Under the Sea” prom, when her father, Stubing Schremerhorn (the wealthiest man in Little Five Points) entered. She confided her biggest problem: Despite being the most popular girl in school and the co-chair of the Prom Planning Committee, she didn’t have a prom date. Mr. Schremerhorn offered to buy her one.
Owen Tasker, the other Prom Planning co-chair was going over his plans for an “Under the Old West” prom theme. He asked formerly-undercover cop Joe Luderman to play the sheriff and provide security. The conversation segued into Joe wondering why Todd Schrader, supposedly his friend, shot him in the foot last week. Just then, Todd entered. Todd apologized for shooting Joe, explaining that he needed to battle Wilfong hand-to-hand with no interference. Joe accepted his apology, and Todd gave Joe his last beer.
Gwendolyn Pinchot went to see Ms. Munsen-Meyer about all the bizarre occurrences in her life. She explained that she’d been having some weird dreams, and feared that the stress had given her psychic powers. She had had a vision of Sterling Schremerhorn riding on horseback in the middle of a Western-themed prom, when she fell and broke her neck. Munsen-Meyer’s only concern with this revelation was whether Gwen’s powers would affect her chances of getting into a good school.
Owen Tasker was in the cafeteria when Stubing Schremerhorn entered. Stubing explained that his daughter was upset about not having a prom date, and that he would spare no expense to buy her happiness. He offered Owen $10,000 to take Sterling to the prom and show her a good time. Owen accepted the offer, then suggested that for an additional $10,000, he’d show Sterling a REALLY good time by sleeping with her.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Oral Hanks were discussing plans for the prom music. Sterling wanted to get Wilson Phillips, but Oral warned her that brand-name bands can be costly. He told her that his company offered songs that were almost exactly like popular music, without the expense of royalties. To demonstrate, he played an excerpt from “Unfathomable” (Josten’s version of EMF’s “Unbelievable”).
Principal Spoon called in Joe Luderman to discuss prom security, warning him about the recent promjacking at Westlake High. Joe assured him that security wouldn’t be an issue, pointing to his record in eliminating the school’s drug traffic. Spoon retorted by pulling out a bag of cocaine that he had confiscated from a student whom he caught having sex with a prostitute in the boy’s room. Joe explained that the demands of simultaneously being a cop and a high-school student were just too much for him. Spoon offered Joe one more chance, but warned him that if any students got damaged, it was his ass.
Stubing Schremerhorn came by Mr. Huggins’ classroom to reminisce about old times. Stubing remembered building the school with his own two hands and a tractor…then recalled the relationship he built with Huggins.
Mr. Cook was preparing for the fishing rodeo when Assistant Coach Damon entered with the bad news that Westlike High got promjacked. Cook swore to use every item in his janitor’s arsenal to protect the students. Damon believed that the only solution was to arm all the students, and Cook replied that he was way ahead of him; he’d already given shivs to the special class. Damon worried that Principal Spoon wouldn’t approve, so they proposed a coup d’etat.
Todd and Gwen met in the cafeteria and discussed their shaky relationship. They agreed to go to the prom together, even though they both loathe the whole prom concept. Todd revealed that Owen had appointed him to the prom’s Refreshment Committee without even asking him. They decided to use Todd’s position to take down the prom from the inside by spiking the punch…and more.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the Schremerhorn residence to discuss Sterling’s situation. She suggested that, rather than be depressed by not having a date, Sterling should go stag and be proud of her independence. Just then, Mr. Schremerhorn came home and informed Sterling that he’d fixed her up with Owen Tasker. Sterling angrily demanded to know how much he’d paid. When he replied that he’d shelled out $70,000 for her happiness, she was flattered that her father thought she was worth that much. Munsen-Meyer began to lecture Mr. Schremerhorn that money can’t buy happiness, and he broke out into hysterical laughter.
Mr. Cook and Assistant Coach Damon had brought Principal Spoon to the fishing rodeo, where they started to discuss the school’s drug problem. Pretending to be on his side, Cook and Damon eventually drew Spoon into confessing that he was high as hell at that very moment. Spoon then passed around his snorkel as a bong. Suddenly, Joe Luderman, who had been spying from the grass, emerged to arrest them all. Panicking, Cook threw his shivs at Joe.
Owen Tasker and Oral Hanks faced off over the prom theme. Oral told Owen that if he backed off and accepted Oral’s prom theme, he would arrange it so that Owen would be the only male student capable of having sex with his prom date. Oral would spike the punch with Josten’s secret “floppy juice” formula…and Owen could have any girl he wanted.
NEXT WEEK: Joe finally shoots somebody.
Mr. Cook invited Mr. Huggins to the upcoming fishing rodeo. Huggins, reveling in his newfound heterosexuality, asked if there’d be chicks there. Cook assured him that there would be, but warned him that some of those ladies who work at the VFW can be pretty wild.
Principal Spoon was going over plans for the prom when he met Oral Hanks, class ring salesman and prom consultant. Discussing the prom theme, Hanks dismissed the classic “Enchantment Under the Sea” theme as a cliché, and suggested they go with “Enchantment UNDER Under the Sea,” with the room decorated in a volcanic-cave motif and homeless people playing Morlocks.
Sterling Schremerhorn was at home, going over her ideas for an “Under the Sea” prom, when her father, Stubing Schremerhorn (the wealthiest man in Little Five Points) entered. She confided her biggest problem: Despite being the most popular girl in school and the co-chair of the Prom Planning Committee, she didn’t have a prom date. Mr. Schremerhorn offered to buy her one.
Owen Tasker, the other Prom Planning co-chair was going over his plans for an “Under the Old West” prom theme. He asked formerly-undercover cop Joe Luderman to play the sheriff and provide security. The conversation segued into Joe wondering why Todd Schrader, supposedly his friend, shot him in the foot last week. Just then, Todd entered. Todd apologized for shooting Joe, explaining that he needed to battle Wilfong hand-to-hand with no interference. Joe accepted his apology, and Todd gave Joe his last beer.
Gwendolyn Pinchot went to see Ms. Munsen-Meyer about all the bizarre occurrences in her life. She explained that she’d been having some weird dreams, and feared that the stress had given her psychic powers. She had had a vision of Sterling Schremerhorn riding on horseback in the middle of a Western-themed prom, when she fell and broke her neck. Munsen-Meyer’s only concern with this revelation was whether Gwen’s powers would affect her chances of getting into a good school.
Owen Tasker was in the cafeteria when Stubing Schremerhorn entered. Stubing explained that his daughter was upset about not having a prom date, and that he would spare no expense to buy her happiness. He offered Owen $10,000 to take Sterling to the prom and show her a good time. Owen accepted the offer, then suggested that for an additional $10,000, he’d show Sterling a REALLY good time by sleeping with her.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Oral Hanks were discussing plans for the prom music. Sterling wanted to get Wilson Phillips, but Oral warned her that brand-name bands can be costly. He told her that his company offered songs that were almost exactly like popular music, without the expense of royalties. To demonstrate, he played an excerpt from “Unfathomable” (Josten’s version of EMF’s “Unbelievable”).
Principal Spoon called in Joe Luderman to discuss prom security, warning him about the recent promjacking at Westlake High. Joe assured him that security wouldn’t be an issue, pointing to his record in eliminating the school’s drug traffic. Spoon retorted by pulling out a bag of cocaine that he had confiscated from a student whom he caught having sex with a prostitute in the boy’s room. Joe explained that the demands of simultaneously being a cop and a high-school student were just too much for him. Spoon offered Joe one more chance, but warned him that if any students got damaged, it was his ass.
Stubing Schremerhorn came by Mr. Huggins’ classroom to reminisce about old times. Stubing remembered building the school with his own two hands and a tractor…then recalled the relationship he built with Huggins.
Mr. Cook was preparing for the fishing rodeo when Assistant Coach Damon entered with the bad news that Westlike High got promjacked. Cook swore to use every item in his janitor’s arsenal to protect the students. Damon believed that the only solution was to arm all the students, and Cook replied that he was way ahead of him; he’d already given shivs to the special class. Damon worried that Principal Spoon wouldn’t approve, so they proposed a coup d’etat.
Todd and Gwen met in the cafeteria and discussed their shaky relationship. They agreed to go to the prom together, even though they both loathe the whole prom concept. Todd revealed that Owen had appointed him to the prom’s Refreshment Committee without even asking him. They decided to use Todd’s position to take down the prom from the inside by spiking the punch…and more.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the Schremerhorn residence to discuss Sterling’s situation. She suggested that, rather than be depressed by not having a date, Sterling should go stag and be proud of her independence. Just then, Mr. Schremerhorn came home and informed Sterling that he’d fixed her up with Owen Tasker. Sterling angrily demanded to know how much he’d paid. When he replied that he’d shelled out $70,000 for her happiness, she was flattered that her father thought she was worth that much. Munsen-Meyer began to lecture Mr. Schremerhorn that money can’t buy happiness, and he broke out into hysterical laughter.
Mr. Cook and Assistant Coach Damon had brought Principal Spoon to the fishing rodeo, where they started to discuss the school’s drug problem. Pretending to be on his side, Cook and Damon eventually drew Spoon into confessing that he was high as hell at that very moment. Spoon then passed around his snorkel as a bong. Suddenly, Joe Luderman, who had been spying from the grass, emerged to arrest them all. Panicking, Cook threw his shivs at Joe.
Owen Tasker and Oral Hanks faced off over the prom theme. Oral told Owen that if he backed off and accepted Oral’s prom theme, he would arrange it so that Owen would be the only male student capable of having sex with his prom date. Oral would spike the punch with Josten’s secret “floppy juice” formula…and Owen could have any girl he wanted.
NEXT WEEK: Joe finally shoots somebody.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Season 8, Episode 13: Introducing Dr. Dynamo
Episode 13: Introducing Dr. Dynamo
The students were gathered at a memorial service for Miller, who tragically plunged into molten lava during the class trip to Hawaii. (Dustin Pollack also fell into the lava, but as he was only severely burned, nobody was concerned with him.)
At the Crash Pad, “Joe Luderman” (secretly the evil German music teacher Glenn Wilfong) came to see Gwendolyn Pinchot. Gwen told “Joe” that she felt betrayed by the revelation that Joe (the real Joe, that is) was an undercover cop. (“Yes, you can lose trust in someone when they continuously lie to you.”) “Joe” told Gwen that even though his cover was blown, he would continue his work to make the school a better place for her benefit (and only hers).
School custodian Mr. Cook began the sad task of cleaning out Miller’s locker. Hearing a strange noise behind the lockers, Cook investigated and found a secret passage. Following the trail, Cook was surprised to discover the real Joe Luderman lurking in the shadows. Joe explained that, after Mr. Pinchot attempted to kill him, he went even deeper undercover to take out the evil mastermind behind everything…Glenn Wilfong.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Huggins were panicking, knowing that they, as the chaperones, would be blamed for Miller’s death. Munsen-Meyer came up with a plan: She had brought Miller’s remains over in her luggage, and she could persuade her coroner friend to declare that Miller actually died of a heart attack before he fell in the volcano. Excited by the danger, Huggins once again felt those romantic sparks reignite. He asked Munsen-Meyer to finally tell him her first name, and she did: Vivian.
On the roof, Gwen told the jealous Todd Schrader that she had only kissed “Joe” to thank him for saving her father from Wilfong. She went on to explain that even those feelings of gratitude had vanished when she learned he was a narc. Todd suddenly remembered that he’d heard the name “Joe Luderman” before: there was a Joe Luderman who served with his father, General Rip Schrader.
Principal Spoon stopped by Mr. Huggins’ classroom and offered him some Brazilian Clambeaver coffee (made from beans that had passed through the digestive systems of Brazilian Clambeavers), just to soften Huggins up before confronting him about Miller’s death. Huggins claimed that Miller had been eating fatty foods throughout the trip, then suddenly clutched his chest and fell into the lava. Spoon found this scenario plausible.
Wilfong was snooping around Miller’s van when Mr. Cook discovered him. Cook quizzed “Joe” on his history in an attempt to make him give away his true identity, until Wilfong got fed up and pulled out his gun. Cook tried to grab it with a jumper-cable clip, but the gun slipped out of its jaws.
In her office, Munsen-Meyer was preparing Miller’s body for her coroner friend when Principal Spoon stopped by to offer her some coffee.
Todd Schrader was kicking the ball around on the athletic field when the real Joe Luderman arrived. Todd recognized Joe from his dad’s military records, and Joe replied that he had a special message from General Schrader…a hug. Todd had never experienced such warmth from his father, even if it was coming by proxy. Joe then explained the reason General Schrader had sent him: the Brazilian government was producing Adolf Hitler clones and sending them into American public schools. Todd agreed to help take down the clone.
Principal Spoon was back by the dumpsters, searching for clues in Miller’s death, when the long-absent Assistant Coach Damon arrived. Spoon brought Damon up to date on recent events. Enraged by the news of Miller’s death, Damon declared that there was only one person who could help…Dr. Dynamo!
Now that he had turned heterosexual, Mr. Huggins asked “Joe” for some romantic advice. “Joe” gave him a few pick-up lines, then suggested that he offer the ladies some aphrodisiac Brazilian Clambeaver coffee.
Gwen was wistfully gazing at Miller’s locker when the real Joe Luderman arrived. She was confused by his new haircut, then looked in his eyes and realized he wasn’t the same Joe that she’d been giving her heart to these past few weeks. Joe informed her that Mr. Wilfong had been impersonating him, and Gwen broke down in hysterics. (“I’ve been through so much this semester!”)
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was cleaning up the last of Miller’s remains with a lint roller when Dr. Dynamo (Assistant Coach Damon’s gold-helmeted super-heroic alter ego) burst in, followed by Principal Spoon. Dr. Dynamo questioned Munsen-Meyer about Miller’s death, but she stuck to her heart-attack story. Todd Schrader stopped in for his guidance-counselor appointment, and was awestruck to see his hero. After five hours of fruitless interrogation, Dr. Dynamo suddenly noticed the lint roller; his powers detected teenage DNA on it.
Up on the roof, Mr. Cook and Todd Schrader were discussing the bizarre recent events and the need to get rid of Mr. Wilfong. Cook suggested that Todd put aside his differences with his father and get General Schrader to call in a precision airstrike on a three-foot radius around Wilfong. Todd preferred to settle matters himself man-to-man, but Cook warned him that all Brazilians are bred for fisticuffs, even that lady greeter at the Wal-Mart.
Wilfong was plotting in his sub-basement hideout when Joe, Todd and Cook burst in. Wilfong and Joe scuffled until Todd could no longer tell them apart. Eventually, Todd settled his confusion by shooting the real Joe in the foot, then challenged Wilfong to a fistfight. A slow-motion Matrix-style fight ensued. As Wilfong was about to finish off Todd, Gwen entered and confronted Wilfong about his deception. Confused by her rejection, Wilfong hesitated long enough for Mr. Cook to apply the jumper-cable claw to his crotch…then yank it off.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen announces the bands for the prom.
The students were gathered at a memorial service for Miller, who tragically plunged into molten lava during the class trip to Hawaii. (Dustin Pollack also fell into the lava, but as he was only severely burned, nobody was concerned with him.)
At the Crash Pad, “Joe Luderman” (secretly the evil German music teacher Glenn Wilfong) came to see Gwendolyn Pinchot. Gwen told “Joe” that she felt betrayed by the revelation that Joe (the real Joe, that is) was an undercover cop. (“Yes, you can lose trust in someone when they continuously lie to you.”) “Joe” told Gwen that even though his cover was blown, he would continue his work to make the school a better place for her benefit (and only hers).
School custodian Mr. Cook began the sad task of cleaning out Miller’s locker. Hearing a strange noise behind the lockers, Cook investigated and found a secret passage. Following the trail, Cook was surprised to discover the real Joe Luderman lurking in the shadows. Joe explained that, after Mr. Pinchot attempted to kill him, he went even deeper undercover to take out the evil mastermind behind everything…Glenn Wilfong.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Huggins were panicking, knowing that they, as the chaperones, would be blamed for Miller’s death. Munsen-Meyer came up with a plan: She had brought Miller’s remains over in her luggage, and she could persuade her coroner friend to declare that Miller actually died of a heart attack before he fell in the volcano. Excited by the danger, Huggins once again felt those romantic sparks reignite. He asked Munsen-Meyer to finally tell him her first name, and she did: Vivian.
On the roof, Gwen told the jealous Todd Schrader that she had only kissed “Joe” to thank him for saving her father from Wilfong. She went on to explain that even those feelings of gratitude had vanished when she learned he was a narc. Todd suddenly remembered that he’d heard the name “Joe Luderman” before: there was a Joe Luderman who served with his father, General Rip Schrader.
Principal Spoon stopped by Mr. Huggins’ classroom and offered him some Brazilian Clambeaver coffee (made from beans that had passed through the digestive systems of Brazilian Clambeavers), just to soften Huggins up before confronting him about Miller’s death. Huggins claimed that Miller had been eating fatty foods throughout the trip, then suddenly clutched his chest and fell into the lava. Spoon found this scenario plausible.
Wilfong was snooping around Miller’s van when Mr. Cook discovered him. Cook quizzed “Joe” on his history in an attempt to make him give away his true identity, until Wilfong got fed up and pulled out his gun. Cook tried to grab it with a jumper-cable clip, but the gun slipped out of its jaws.
In her office, Munsen-Meyer was preparing Miller’s body for her coroner friend when Principal Spoon stopped by to offer her some coffee.
Todd Schrader was kicking the ball around on the athletic field when the real Joe Luderman arrived. Todd recognized Joe from his dad’s military records, and Joe replied that he had a special message from General Schrader…a hug. Todd had never experienced such warmth from his father, even if it was coming by proxy. Joe then explained the reason General Schrader had sent him: the Brazilian government was producing Adolf Hitler clones and sending them into American public schools. Todd agreed to help take down the clone.
Principal Spoon was back by the dumpsters, searching for clues in Miller’s death, when the long-absent Assistant Coach Damon arrived. Spoon brought Damon up to date on recent events. Enraged by the news of Miller’s death, Damon declared that there was only one person who could help…Dr. Dynamo!
Now that he had turned heterosexual, Mr. Huggins asked “Joe” for some romantic advice. “Joe” gave him a few pick-up lines, then suggested that he offer the ladies some aphrodisiac Brazilian Clambeaver coffee.
Gwen was wistfully gazing at Miller’s locker when the real Joe Luderman arrived. She was confused by his new haircut, then looked in his eyes and realized he wasn’t the same Joe that she’d been giving her heart to these past few weeks. Joe informed her that Mr. Wilfong had been impersonating him, and Gwen broke down in hysterics. (“I’ve been through so much this semester!”)
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was cleaning up the last of Miller’s remains with a lint roller when Dr. Dynamo (Assistant Coach Damon’s gold-helmeted super-heroic alter ego) burst in, followed by Principal Spoon. Dr. Dynamo questioned Munsen-Meyer about Miller’s death, but she stuck to her heart-attack story. Todd Schrader stopped in for his guidance-counselor appointment, and was awestruck to see his hero. After five hours of fruitless interrogation, Dr. Dynamo suddenly noticed the lint roller; his powers detected teenage DNA on it.
Up on the roof, Mr. Cook and Todd Schrader were discussing the bizarre recent events and the need to get rid of Mr. Wilfong. Cook suggested that Todd put aside his differences with his father and get General Schrader to call in a precision airstrike on a three-foot radius around Wilfong. Todd preferred to settle matters himself man-to-man, but Cook warned him that all Brazilians are bred for fisticuffs, even that lady greeter at the Wal-Mart.
Wilfong was plotting in his sub-basement hideout when Joe, Todd and Cook burst in. Wilfong and Joe scuffled until Todd could no longer tell them apart. Eventually, Todd settled his confusion by shooting the real Joe in the foot, then challenged Wilfong to a fistfight. A slow-motion Matrix-style fight ensued. As Wilfong was about to finish off Todd, Gwen entered and confronted Wilfong about his deception. Confused by her rejection, Wilfong hesitated long enough for Mr. Cook to apply the jumper-cable claw to his crotch…then yank it off.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen announces the bands for the prom.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Season 8, Episode 12: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode
Episode 12: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode
Five lucky students (accompanied by Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer) were chosen for an exchange program with Little Five Volcanoes High in Hawaii. They were greeted by the L5V student council president, Leilotti. Ms. Munsen-Meyer cautioned the students to be on their best behavior, warning them that sharks are attracted to the scent of sex.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the office of L5V principal Lou Wana’a’a’a to discuss the students’ itinerary. Suddenly, a rainstorm broke out, threatening to strand everybody indoors for the entire trip.
Leilotti introduced herself to Owen Tasker, explaining that she was the school’s most popular, wealthiest, and bustiest student. Realizing that Leilotti was a Hawaiian mirror-image of Sterling, Owen was immediately attracted. Leilotti continued by confessing that her boyfriend broke up with her because she was saving her virginity, and Owen lost interest. She mentioned that she was reconsidering; Owen regained interest.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Gwendolyn Pinchot met their new Hawaiian teacher, the bare-chested, face-painted houngan Maui Zartan.
Dustin Pollack was walking along the side of the volcano when he ran into Miller, who had made his own way to Hawaii by becoming the new mascot for Little Five Volcanoes High. Miller angrily asked how Dustin managed to beat him out of the Hawaii civics competition, and Dustin gave a demonstration of his dance moves.
“Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong, the evil German music teacher) and Mr. Huggins were out walking on the beach. Huggins marveled at the majesty and beauty of Hawaii, remarking that it made his own existence feel small and pathetic. “Joe” pointed out that Huggins’ existence WAS small and pathetic. Huggins resolved to change that immediately.
At the local hangout, The Harbor Pearl, Gwen was cleaning up out of habit. Principal Wana’a’a’a stopped in and urged her to go out and experience the wonders of Hawaii: sushi, sake, and karaoke. He sang the Hawaiian Bender Song.
In his secret cave lair under the volcano, Maui Zartan devised a plan to turn the students into müles for his drüg-rünning operation. He called in his servant Leilotti and gave her “fourteen munites” to put all of the visitors under her spell. A montage followed Leilotti as she seduced and/or charmed all the students, depending on their genders and orientations.
Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were relaxing in the lounge. They realized that they had no idea where the kids were…but the spirit of Hawaii kept them from worrying about it.
Hungover from his bender, Principal Wana’a’a’a asked Leilotti where the other students were. She replied that her wealthy father had invited them on a sandcastle-building excursion to the neighboring island, Honokuku.
Maui Zartan gloated over his captives in his cave, ordering them to chain themselves to the wall. Zartan tortured them by tossing sushi into their mouths, and “Joe” began critiquing his torture techniques. To demonstrate the proper procedure, “Joe” switched places with Zartan, then stabbed him. However, Zartan’s magic prevented the blade from piercing his skin (though he remarked that it would leave a nasty bruise). Suddenly, Zartan recognized “Joe” as the undercover cop who’d been plaguing his operation.
In the hotel lounge, Huggins and Munsen-Meyer were enjoying a show by Don Ho. Suddenly, Principal Wana’a’a’a burst in with the news that the students were missing. Sensing a disturbance in the Hawaiian Force, Don Ho agreed to put aside his differences with Wana’a’a’a and help find them.
Searching alongside the side of the volcano, Miller noticed a single set of footprints: his own. Realizing that he’d been going in a circle, Miller began to despair when he heard the voice of Jesus explaining that those footprints were from when He was carrying Miller. Miller suddenly noticed a trail of white objects leading to the cave.
Trapped in a cell with Owen, Sterling explained that she’d left a Hansel-and-Gretel trail of her tampons, so hopefully somebody would rescue them soon. Fearing that they wouldn’t make it out alive, Owen had two confessions for Sterling: (1) He loves her, and (2) he killed Lewis von Kemia. Sterling was stunned, as she thought that SHE had killed Lewis. Owen explained that, while Sterling did run him over with the driver’s-ed car, he actually finished Lewis off in the hospital.
Left alone with “Joe,” Zartan revealed that he’d seen through the “Joe Luderman” disguise and recognized his old cohort Glenn Wilfong. They reminisced about their past capers, flashing back to the time Zartan got a snakebite on his penis and Wilfong had to suck out the poison. Back in the present, Wilfong agreed to help Zartan with his drug-smuggling plan, on the condition that Zartan leave Gwen out of it. Zartan refused, saying that he’d chosen Gwen for his personal slave.
On the beach, Munsen-Meyer invited Huggins to experiment with heterosexuality.
Miller burst into one of the underground caves, where Gwen explained that they’d been captured by Maui Zartan. Miller recognized the name, and swore to settle the score.
Rushing to the rescue, Don Ho informed Principal Wana’a’a’a that the students could be saved by a sacrifice to the volcano god. As they discussed which of them would sacrifice themselves, a snake suddenly bit Don Ho on the crotch.
Torn between his commitment to evil and his love for Gwen, Wilfong sang a song about his miserable existence as an Adolf Hitler clone.
Maui Zartan brought Owen, Sterling, and Dustin to the edge of the molten volcano, trying to decide which of them to sacrifice. Owen settled the matter by throwing Dustin into the lava. Suddenly, Miller rushed in to the rescue, followed immediately by Gwen, Wana’a’a’a, Don Ho, and Leilotti. Distracted by Leilotti’s hotness, Miller forgot his mission of vengeance long enough for Zartan to activate a detonator, sending Miller plunging into the volcano. As Zartan gloated, Sterling grabbed his mystical staff and compelled Zartan to throw himself in as well.
NEXT WEEK: Sterling’s deep, dark secret.
Five lucky students (accompanied by Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer) were chosen for an exchange program with Little Five Volcanoes High in Hawaii. They were greeted by the L5V student council president, Leilotti. Ms. Munsen-Meyer cautioned the students to be on their best behavior, warning them that sharks are attracted to the scent of sex.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the office of L5V principal Lou Wana’a’a’a to discuss the students’ itinerary. Suddenly, a rainstorm broke out, threatening to strand everybody indoors for the entire trip.
Leilotti introduced herself to Owen Tasker, explaining that she was the school’s most popular, wealthiest, and bustiest student. Realizing that Leilotti was a Hawaiian mirror-image of Sterling, Owen was immediately attracted. Leilotti continued by confessing that her boyfriend broke up with her because she was saving her virginity, and Owen lost interest. She mentioned that she was reconsidering; Owen regained interest.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Gwendolyn Pinchot met their new Hawaiian teacher, the bare-chested, face-painted houngan Maui Zartan.
Dustin Pollack was walking along the side of the volcano when he ran into Miller, who had made his own way to Hawaii by becoming the new mascot for Little Five Volcanoes High. Miller angrily asked how Dustin managed to beat him out of the Hawaii civics competition, and Dustin gave a demonstration of his dance moves.
“Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong, the evil German music teacher) and Mr. Huggins were out walking on the beach. Huggins marveled at the majesty and beauty of Hawaii, remarking that it made his own existence feel small and pathetic. “Joe” pointed out that Huggins’ existence WAS small and pathetic. Huggins resolved to change that immediately.
At the local hangout, The Harbor Pearl, Gwen was cleaning up out of habit. Principal Wana’a’a’a stopped in and urged her to go out and experience the wonders of Hawaii: sushi, sake, and karaoke. He sang the Hawaiian Bender Song.
In his secret cave lair under the volcano, Maui Zartan devised a plan to turn the students into müles for his drüg-rünning operation. He called in his servant Leilotti and gave her “fourteen munites” to put all of the visitors under her spell. A montage followed Leilotti as she seduced and/or charmed all the students, depending on their genders and orientations.
Mr. Huggins and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were relaxing in the lounge. They realized that they had no idea where the kids were…but the spirit of Hawaii kept them from worrying about it.
Hungover from his bender, Principal Wana’a’a’a asked Leilotti where the other students were. She replied that her wealthy father had invited them on a sandcastle-building excursion to the neighboring island, Honokuku.
Maui Zartan gloated over his captives in his cave, ordering them to chain themselves to the wall. Zartan tortured them by tossing sushi into their mouths, and “Joe” began critiquing his torture techniques. To demonstrate the proper procedure, “Joe” switched places with Zartan, then stabbed him. However, Zartan’s magic prevented the blade from piercing his skin (though he remarked that it would leave a nasty bruise). Suddenly, Zartan recognized “Joe” as the undercover cop who’d been plaguing his operation.
In the hotel lounge, Huggins and Munsen-Meyer were enjoying a show by Don Ho. Suddenly, Principal Wana’a’a’a burst in with the news that the students were missing. Sensing a disturbance in the Hawaiian Force, Don Ho agreed to put aside his differences with Wana’a’a’a and help find them.
Searching alongside the side of the volcano, Miller noticed a single set of footprints: his own. Realizing that he’d been going in a circle, Miller began to despair when he heard the voice of Jesus explaining that those footprints were from when He was carrying Miller. Miller suddenly noticed a trail of white objects leading to the cave.
Trapped in a cell with Owen, Sterling explained that she’d left a Hansel-and-Gretel trail of her tampons, so hopefully somebody would rescue them soon. Fearing that they wouldn’t make it out alive, Owen had two confessions for Sterling: (1) He loves her, and (2) he killed Lewis von Kemia. Sterling was stunned, as she thought that SHE had killed Lewis. Owen explained that, while Sterling did run him over with the driver’s-ed car, he actually finished Lewis off in the hospital.
Left alone with “Joe,” Zartan revealed that he’d seen through the “Joe Luderman” disguise and recognized his old cohort Glenn Wilfong. They reminisced about their past capers, flashing back to the time Zartan got a snakebite on his penis and Wilfong had to suck out the poison. Back in the present, Wilfong agreed to help Zartan with his drug-smuggling plan, on the condition that Zartan leave Gwen out of it. Zartan refused, saying that he’d chosen Gwen for his personal slave.
On the beach, Munsen-Meyer invited Huggins to experiment with heterosexuality.
Miller burst into one of the underground caves, where Gwen explained that they’d been captured by Maui Zartan. Miller recognized the name, and swore to settle the score.
Rushing to the rescue, Don Ho informed Principal Wana’a’a’a that the students could be saved by a sacrifice to the volcano god. As they discussed which of them would sacrifice themselves, a snake suddenly bit Don Ho on the crotch.
Torn between his commitment to evil and his love for Gwen, Wilfong sang a song about his miserable existence as an Adolf Hitler clone.
Maui Zartan brought Owen, Sterling, and Dustin to the edge of the molten volcano, trying to decide which of them to sacrifice. Owen settled the matter by throwing Dustin into the lava. Suddenly, Miller rushed in to the rescue, followed immediately by Gwen, Wana’a’a’a, Don Ho, and Leilotti. Distracted by Leilotti’s hotness, Miller forgot his mission of vengeance long enough for Zartan to activate a detonator, sending Miller plunging into the volcano. As Zartan gloated, Sterling grabbed his mystical staff and compelled Zartan to throw himself in as well.
NEXT WEEK: Sterling’s deep, dark secret.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Season 8, Episode 11: Adios, Fuego
Episode 11: Adios, Fuego
Principal Spoon announced that the five students who earn the most credits for civic activities will get to visit Hawaii as part of an exchange program.
Mr. Pinchot had joined the school teaching staff, and was giving Sterling Schremerhorn a lesson in agriculture (with help from Fuego the duck). Sterling was looking forward to working on the school farm and earning credits for Hawaii.
Owen Tasker returned from Leadership Camp, clad only in a Speedo in anticipation of going to Hawaii. Principal Spoon told Owen about the school’s new library, and offered him a position as Librarian. Owen revealed his plan to replace the Dewey Decimal System with straightforward alphabetical order.
Gwen Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when a mysterious message blew in: “Nothing is as it seems, especially family.” “Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong) arrived, and Gwen gave him a basket of flowers and cookies to thank “Joe” from saving her from Wilfong. Overcome by her present, “Joe” declared “No one has ever given me anything before…of their own free will. I’ve gotta go! I’m feeling…EMOTIONS!”
Miller was blowing soap bubbles in hopes of earning civic credits for beautifying the school. Todd arrived, and they discussed the Hawaii competition and the prospect of smoking some “Maui Wowee.” Todd told Miller that he was now in love with Miller’s ex-girlfriend Gwen. Miller congratulated him, then pontificated on the dismal outlook of the typical high school relationship.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was reflecting on the loss of her family fortune, when Principal Spoon entered and asked what was wrong. Unable to talk about her own problems, Munsen-Meyer pulled out her “Granny Munsen-Meyer” puppet to explain the situation. Spoon told her that the puppet was a crutch, and suggested that she face reality the way he did…with bourbon.
Owen Tasker broke into Principal Spoon’s office to doctor the records and give himself more civic credits. Suddenly, Mr. Pinchot burst in, sobbing hysterically and clutching a handful of feathers. In his despair, Pinchot started throwing furniture around. Principal Spoon arrived and witnessed the bizarre scene…then left without saying a word.
In the cafeteria, Todd told Gwen that he planned to win that trip to Hawaii and bring her along…but in order to do that, he’d need to become his old football-jock self again. Gwen appreciated his sacrifice, but didn’t know whether she could deal with the old Todd. At that moment, Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered and asked if they’d tried the roast duck.
“Joe”/Wilfong was in his dungeon when he discovered a mysterious message: “You may have the body, but I still have the brain.” His mind-controlled slave, the Fighting Panhandler (a.k.a. Mr. Pinchot) arrived, still clutching the duck feathers. Wilfong ordered the Panhandler to find him a Hallmark card to win Gwen’s heart.
On the school farm, a tearful Sterling Schremerhorn informed Miller that she’d accidentally run over Fuego the duck with the driver’s-ed car, just as she’d done with Lewis von Kemia and Coach Gooch. (Miller: “Woman, how many things in this school are you gonna kill?”) Miller suggested that they frame somebody else, like Gwen. Recovering her composure, Sterling told Miller about her idea to earn civic credits: Starting a program where students pledge not to drink or have sex during the prom. Miller replied that this was against everything the prom stands for.
Todd, having cut his hair and resumed his jock image, met with Principal Spoon. In return for his football prowess, Todd demanded 25 civics points. Spoon struggled with the ethical dilemma of this extortion, then gave him the points.
Gwen was in her apartment when the Fighting Panhandler knocked on the door. When the Panhandler broke down crying, she asked him to remove his mask so she could look into his real eyes. Gwen was dumbstruck when the Panhandler revealed himself as her father.
In detention, Ms. Munsen-Meyer confronted “Joe” about his records from his previous school. To explain himself, “Joe” sang a song about his scholastic resumé. She replied that she didn’t believe he was a high-school student, citing his five-o’clock shadow, his low-hanging balls, and his gray hair. He started to sing a song explaining himself.
Miller informed Principal Spoon that he knew who killed Fuego (and several of the other farm animals): Gwen Pinchot. Miller accused Gwen of deliberately running down adorable animals for sport. However, Spoon revealed that he knew Gwen was working at the Crash Pad at the time of Fuego’s death.
Owen Tasker found the unmasked Panhandler/Pinchot curled up in the fetal position in the teachers’ lounge. Pinchot explained that he blacked out in Spoon’s office, then woke up in this ridiculous outfit. Owen realized that Pinchot was under somebody’s mind-control, and offered to help him find the culprit…in exchange for civic points.
Todd told Gwen that he had enough points for them both to go to Hawaii, but Gwen had more urgent news: She’d discovered that her father was the Fighting Panhandler…and when she looked into his eyes, they were blank. She told Todd that his change of image was just too much for her to take on top of everything else. At that moment, “Joe” arrived and gave Gwen a rose.
Sterling Schremerhorn told Ms. Munsen-Meyer about her “Prom Promise” program, and Munsen-Meyer told her a cautionary tale about her own prom, at which she drank an entire bottle of Seagram’s 7 and woke up sore in a dumpster behind a Hyatt Regency.
Principal Spoon announced the five winners of the civic competition: Todd Schrader, Owen Tasker, Joe Luderman, Sterling Schremerhorn, and the never-before-seen Dustin Pollack. Angrily, Todd announced that he was giving his trip to Gwen so that she could have sex with Joe.
NEXT WEEK: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode.
Principal Spoon announced that the five students who earn the most credits for civic activities will get to visit Hawaii as part of an exchange program.
Mr. Pinchot had joined the school teaching staff, and was giving Sterling Schremerhorn a lesson in agriculture (with help from Fuego the duck). Sterling was looking forward to working on the school farm and earning credits for Hawaii.
Owen Tasker returned from Leadership Camp, clad only in a Speedo in anticipation of going to Hawaii. Principal Spoon told Owen about the school’s new library, and offered him a position as Librarian. Owen revealed his plan to replace the Dewey Decimal System with straightforward alphabetical order.
Gwen Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when a mysterious message blew in: “Nothing is as it seems, especially family.” “Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong) arrived, and Gwen gave him a basket of flowers and cookies to thank “Joe” from saving her from Wilfong. Overcome by her present, “Joe” declared “No one has ever given me anything before…of their own free will. I’ve gotta go! I’m feeling…EMOTIONS!”
Miller was blowing soap bubbles in hopes of earning civic credits for beautifying the school. Todd arrived, and they discussed the Hawaii competition and the prospect of smoking some “Maui Wowee.” Todd told Miller that he was now in love with Miller’s ex-girlfriend Gwen. Miller congratulated him, then pontificated on the dismal outlook of the typical high school relationship.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was reflecting on the loss of her family fortune, when Principal Spoon entered and asked what was wrong. Unable to talk about her own problems, Munsen-Meyer pulled out her “Granny Munsen-Meyer” puppet to explain the situation. Spoon told her that the puppet was a crutch, and suggested that she face reality the way he did…with bourbon.
Owen Tasker broke into Principal Spoon’s office to doctor the records and give himself more civic credits. Suddenly, Mr. Pinchot burst in, sobbing hysterically and clutching a handful of feathers. In his despair, Pinchot started throwing furniture around. Principal Spoon arrived and witnessed the bizarre scene…then left without saying a word.
In the cafeteria, Todd told Gwen that he planned to win that trip to Hawaii and bring her along…but in order to do that, he’d need to become his old football-jock self again. Gwen appreciated his sacrifice, but didn’t know whether she could deal with the old Todd. At that moment, Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered and asked if they’d tried the roast duck.
“Joe”/Wilfong was in his dungeon when he discovered a mysterious message: “You may have the body, but I still have the brain.” His mind-controlled slave, the Fighting Panhandler (a.k.a. Mr. Pinchot) arrived, still clutching the duck feathers. Wilfong ordered the Panhandler to find him a Hallmark card to win Gwen’s heart.
On the school farm, a tearful Sterling Schremerhorn informed Miller that she’d accidentally run over Fuego the duck with the driver’s-ed car, just as she’d done with Lewis von Kemia and Coach Gooch. (Miller: “Woman, how many things in this school are you gonna kill?”) Miller suggested that they frame somebody else, like Gwen. Recovering her composure, Sterling told Miller about her idea to earn civic credits: Starting a program where students pledge not to drink or have sex during the prom. Miller replied that this was against everything the prom stands for.
Todd, having cut his hair and resumed his jock image, met with Principal Spoon. In return for his football prowess, Todd demanded 25 civics points. Spoon struggled with the ethical dilemma of this extortion, then gave him the points.
Gwen was in her apartment when the Fighting Panhandler knocked on the door. When the Panhandler broke down crying, she asked him to remove his mask so she could look into his real eyes. Gwen was dumbstruck when the Panhandler revealed himself as her father.
In detention, Ms. Munsen-Meyer confronted “Joe” about his records from his previous school. To explain himself, “Joe” sang a song about his scholastic resumé. She replied that she didn’t believe he was a high-school student, citing his five-o’clock shadow, his low-hanging balls, and his gray hair. He started to sing a song explaining himself.
Miller informed Principal Spoon that he knew who killed Fuego (and several of the other farm animals): Gwen Pinchot. Miller accused Gwen of deliberately running down adorable animals for sport. However, Spoon revealed that he knew Gwen was working at the Crash Pad at the time of Fuego’s death.
Owen Tasker found the unmasked Panhandler/Pinchot curled up in the fetal position in the teachers’ lounge. Pinchot explained that he blacked out in Spoon’s office, then woke up in this ridiculous outfit. Owen realized that Pinchot was under somebody’s mind-control, and offered to help him find the culprit…in exchange for civic points.
Todd told Gwen that he had enough points for them both to go to Hawaii, but Gwen had more urgent news: She’d discovered that her father was the Fighting Panhandler…and when she looked into his eyes, they were blank. She told Todd that his change of image was just too much for her to take on top of everything else. At that moment, “Joe” arrived and gave Gwen a rose.
Sterling Schremerhorn told Ms. Munsen-Meyer about her “Prom Promise” program, and Munsen-Meyer told her a cautionary tale about her own prom, at which she drank an entire bottle of Seagram’s 7 and woke up sore in a dumpster behind a Hyatt Regency.
Principal Spoon announced the five winners of the civic competition: Todd Schrader, Owen Tasker, Joe Luderman, Sterling Schremerhorn, and the never-before-seen Dustin Pollack. Angrily, Todd announced that he was giving his trip to Gwen so that she could have sex with Joe.
NEXT WEEK: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Season 8, Episode 10: Clem and Clytemnestra
Episode 10: Clem and Clytemnestra
The school’s new driving instructor, Coach Gooch, was giving a lesson to Sterling Schremerhorn. Sterling was very hesitant, since her last driving lesson had ended with her running over Lewis von Kemia. Her nervousness wasn’t helped by the fact that Gooch kept touching her on the shoulder.
Principal Spoon met with Todd Schrader to discuss Todd’s absenteeism from football practice. Todd explained that he’d had a revelation and realized that football was for “chowders.” He was through with athletics, and was now studying philosophy and life from a homeless man in an underpass. Spoon warned Todd that he’d be expelled unless he returned to the team.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Joe Luderman (now bearing a strange resemblance to the evil German music teacher Mr. Wilfong) arrived. Gwen thanked “Joe” for killing Mr. Wilfong and freeing him from his influence. She told “Joe” that she’d do anything to repay him.
Vivian Munsen-Meyer and Miller were preparing for the arrival of her parents, Thaddeus and Clytemnestra Munsen-Meyer. When the Munsen-Meyers arrived, Miller put on a British accent to make a good first impression, but blew it when he mistook Mrs. Munsen-Meyer for H.R. Pufnstuf.
Principal Spoon called in the female students for a discussion about sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior. Sterling suddenly realized that this was exactly was Coach Gooch was doing.
Coach Gooch was giving a driving lesson to Todd, who was so disinterested that he never even touched the steering wheel. Gooch asked Todd to return to football practice, explaining that the team needs him. Todd realized that he’d never felt needed before.
“Joe” was eating in the cafeteria when Sterling sat down and started flirting with him. Wilfong was amazed that the girls were all over him now that his head was on a new body. Sterling asked “Joe” to nominate her for Homecoming Queen, but explained that he’d have to join the football team in order to make the nomination. He agreed to try out.
Principal Spoon was giving the Munsen-Meyers a tour of the school, hoping to get funding for a new library. In order to put them in a better, more generous mood, Spoon convinced them that their daughter’s fiancé was actually the school’s vice-principal and not a mere student.
Later, in his office, Spoon told Miller about his deception. He gave Miller a lesson in acting like a school official, singing a “My Fair Lady”-style instructive number.
Settling in at his daughter’s home, Thaddeus Munsen-Meyer reminded her that their fortune would go to their first child who got married. She replied that she didn’t think that her brother Vance was likely to ever marry, but Thaddeus pointed out that Vance was considering a sex-change operation.
Todd told Gwen that he had drawn a picture of his inner pain, then ate the picture so it would be a part of him (for a couple of hours, at least). She complimented Todd on being even more disturbed than her. They had a musical montage of teen angst.
“Joe” approached Coach Gooch to ask to try out for the football team, though he found it hard to concentrate due to the distraction of Gooch’s constant sunflower-seed spitting.
“Vice-Principal” Miller addressed the student assembly, promising a new school library. When one student booed the idea of a library, Miller pulled that dissenter, Clem Johannesburg, up to the podium. Miller announced that the reason for Clem’s disapproval was the shameful fact that Clem couldn’t read. Miller declared that the very library Clem booed was the one thing that could help him. Moved by Miller’s speech and actions, the Munsen-Meyers signed the contract authorizing the new library.
Principal Spoon called in Coach Gooch to discuss his inappropriate behavior, the wrecking of the driver’s-ed cars, and the mass of sunflower seeds on the floor. Spoon informed Gooch that he’d be fired unless he undid all the damage he’d cause. A musical montage followed Gooch as he went back and “untouched” the students.
SPOON: “Hold it! Stop the montage! You’re just touching them AGAIN!”
Sterling Schremerhorn and “Joe” were in the driver’s-ed van, with Gooch in the backseat. “Joe” got rid of Gooch by sending him out for sunflower seeds, then told Sterling to drive away quickly. Sterling offered to take “Joe” to O’Charley’s, but their conversation was derailed by Gooch chasing after them. “Joe” had Sterling stop the van, then he got out and confronted Gooch about his perpetual cock-blocking. Sterling accidentally put the van in drive, running over Coach Gooch.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer asked Gwen for some advice regarding her impending marriage, since Munsen-Meyer was still a virgin and Gwen was the most sexually-experienced student she knew. Gwen informed Munsen-Meyer that she wouldn’t necessarily have to sacrifice her virginity, since Miller usually gets drunk and passes out halfway through. Munsen-Meyer imagined herself as a virgin monarch, like Queen Elizabeth…wearing white make-up and scaring people.
Thaddeus Munsen-Meyer informed his daughter that her brother Vance had just had his sex-change operation and married an aborigine, which meant that he got the family fortune. As Vivian became hysterical over her lost inheritance, Miller calmed her down with a lesson from “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Miller pointed out that her personal fortune was unimportant compared to her parents’ funding of the new library. Miller declared that the school was already a better place thanks to them…already, Clem was learning to read Dr. Seuss.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen gets a new catchphrase.
The school’s new driving instructor, Coach Gooch, was giving a lesson to Sterling Schremerhorn. Sterling was very hesitant, since her last driving lesson had ended with her running over Lewis von Kemia. Her nervousness wasn’t helped by the fact that Gooch kept touching her on the shoulder.
Principal Spoon met with Todd Schrader to discuss Todd’s absenteeism from football practice. Todd explained that he’d had a revelation and realized that football was for “chowders.” He was through with athletics, and was now studying philosophy and life from a homeless man in an underpass. Spoon warned Todd that he’d be expelled unless he returned to the team.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Joe Luderman (now bearing a strange resemblance to the evil German music teacher Mr. Wilfong) arrived. Gwen thanked “Joe” for killing Mr. Wilfong and freeing him from his influence. She told “Joe” that she’d do anything to repay him.
Vivian Munsen-Meyer and Miller were preparing for the arrival of her parents, Thaddeus and Clytemnestra Munsen-Meyer. When the Munsen-Meyers arrived, Miller put on a British accent to make a good first impression, but blew it when he mistook Mrs. Munsen-Meyer for H.R. Pufnstuf.
Principal Spoon called in the female students for a discussion about sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior. Sterling suddenly realized that this was exactly was Coach Gooch was doing.
Coach Gooch was giving a driving lesson to Todd, who was so disinterested that he never even touched the steering wheel. Gooch asked Todd to return to football practice, explaining that the team needs him. Todd realized that he’d never felt needed before.
“Joe” was eating in the cafeteria when Sterling sat down and started flirting with him. Wilfong was amazed that the girls were all over him now that his head was on a new body. Sterling asked “Joe” to nominate her for Homecoming Queen, but explained that he’d have to join the football team in order to make the nomination. He agreed to try out.
Principal Spoon was giving the Munsen-Meyers a tour of the school, hoping to get funding for a new library. In order to put them in a better, more generous mood, Spoon convinced them that their daughter’s fiancé was actually the school’s vice-principal and not a mere student.
Later, in his office, Spoon told Miller about his deception. He gave Miller a lesson in acting like a school official, singing a “My Fair Lady”-style instructive number.
Settling in at his daughter’s home, Thaddeus Munsen-Meyer reminded her that their fortune would go to their first child who got married. She replied that she didn’t think that her brother Vance was likely to ever marry, but Thaddeus pointed out that Vance was considering a sex-change operation.
Todd told Gwen that he had drawn a picture of his inner pain, then ate the picture so it would be a part of him (for a couple of hours, at least). She complimented Todd on being even more disturbed than her. They had a musical montage of teen angst.
“Joe” approached Coach Gooch to ask to try out for the football team, though he found it hard to concentrate due to the distraction of Gooch’s constant sunflower-seed spitting.
“Vice-Principal” Miller addressed the student assembly, promising a new school library. When one student booed the idea of a library, Miller pulled that dissenter, Clem Johannesburg, up to the podium. Miller announced that the reason for Clem’s disapproval was the shameful fact that Clem couldn’t read. Miller declared that the very library Clem booed was the one thing that could help him. Moved by Miller’s speech and actions, the Munsen-Meyers signed the contract authorizing the new library.
Principal Spoon called in Coach Gooch to discuss his inappropriate behavior, the wrecking of the driver’s-ed cars, and the mass of sunflower seeds on the floor. Spoon informed Gooch that he’d be fired unless he undid all the damage he’d cause. A musical montage followed Gooch as he went back and “untouched” the students.
SPOON: “Hold it! Stop the montage! You’re just touching them AGAIN!”
Sterling Schremerhorn and “Joe” were in the driver’s-ed van, with Gooch in the backseat. “Joe” got rid of Gooch by sending him out for sunflower seeds, then told Sterling to drive away quickly. Sterling offered to take “Joe” to O’Charley’s, but their conversation was derailed by Gooch chasing after them. “Joe” had Sterling stop the van, then he got out and confronted Gooch about his perpetual cock-blocking. Sterling accidentally put the van in drive, running over Coach Gooch.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer asked Gwen for some advice regarding her impending marriage, since Munsen-Meyer was still a virgin and Gwen was the most sexually-experienced student she knew. Gwen informed Munsen-Meyer that she wouldn’t necessarily have to sacrifice her virginity, since Miller usually gets drunk and passes out halfway through. Munsen-Meyer imagined herself as a virgin monarch, like Queen Elizabeth…wearing white make-up and scaring people.
Thaddeus Munsen-Meyer informed his daughter that her brother Vance had just had his sex-change operation and married an aborigine, which meant that he got the family fortune. As Vivian became hysterical over her lost inheritance, Miller calmed her down with a lesson from “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Miller pointed out that her personal fortune was unimportant compared to her parents’ funding of the new library. Miller declared that the school was already a better place thanks to them…already, Clem was learning to read Dr. Seuss.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen gets a new catchphrase.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Season 8, Episode 9: They Saved Wilfong's Brain
Episode 9: They Saved Wilfong’s Brain
Principal Spoon called a meeting of the students to teach them responsibility: He handed out hot dogs to all the students, telling them that those hot dogs were now their “babies.” Any student who mistreats, neglects, or eats their “baby” will be expelled.
Todd Schrader (sporting a new grunge-rock look) and Joe Luderman noticed a mysterious box in the science lab labeled “Owen Tasker’s Science Project: Don’t Touch!” Defiantly, they touched it.
Miller and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were in Miller’s van, discussing their impending marriage. She told Miller that if he cleaned up a little and impressed her parents, she stood to inherit the Munsen-Meyer oyster and tartar sauce empire.
With Assistant Coach Damon out of town, the substitute gym teacher Edna Puddlemaker introduced herself to Sterling Schremerhorn. Edna noticed that Sterling was carrying a hot dog, so Sterling explained about Spoon’s project. Edna was outraged that the principal would force teenage girls to handle phallic objects.
Gwendolyn Pinchot and her father (and Fuego the duck) were talking on the roof. Apologetically, he explained that he’d have to leave again to take care his brother Buddy, who was gravely injured and left mute when Mr. Pinchot accidentally backed over him in the driveway. Mr. Pinchot sang a public service announcement about always checking the rear-view mirror.
Mr. Huggins barged into Principal Spoon’s office, furious about Spoon’s “parenthood” experiment. Huggins was angry that Spoon had divided the students into boy-girl pairs, thus denying any same-sex couples the right to raise a hot dog.
Fuming over Spoon’s project, Edna Puddlemaker sang a public service announcement about the male-dominated society.
In the cafeteria, Miller complimented Todd on his new look. Todd explained that he was rebelling against everything in general, since his father tried to have him killed. Miller sprung some bad news on Todd: They could no longer continue their relationship of having sex and then not talking about it. Miller explained that he was leaving him to marry Ms. Munsen-Meyer.
Undercover cop Joe Luderman was attempting to break into Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office to look over some records, when Munsen-Meyer arrived. She brought him in and told him that she’d looked up the records from his previous school, and learned that he never attended. What’s more, she checked his driver’s license and learned that he was 32 years old. She angrily demanded that he tell her the truth or leave the school. When he refused, she pulled out her “Granny Munsen-Meyer” puppet to see whether he’d confide in her. In turn, Joe used his hot-dog “baby” to talk to the puppet.
Mr. Huggins and Edna Puddlemaker decided to join forces to fight Principal Spoon’s project. Huggins proposed a number of protest ideas, but Edna convinced him that there was only one solution: violence.
In the darkened lab, the school mascot (and student council vice-president) The Fighting Panhandler approached the mysterious science project, moving as if in a trance. Miller entered with some paperwork for the Panhandler to sign, but the Panhandler throttled him into unconsciousness. Apparently under some strange influence, the Panhandler uncovered the science project, revealing the living disembodied head of Mr. Wilfong, the evil German music teacher.
Gwen was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Todd entered. Complimenting him on his new look, Gwen explained that she knew all about adopting a drastic change in appearance following an emotional upheaval. Even though they’d never liked each other before, they realized they had a lot in common: Gwen’s father seemingly died then turned up alive, and Todd’s father tried to kill him. Gwen invited Todd to a drum circle.
Miller was in his van when Sterling entered to talk to him about the new gym teacher. (“That dude with the tits?”)
Principal Spoon was performing a random check of the students’ “babies” when Mr. Huggins and Ms. Puddlemaker suddenly started beating him with chairs.
Joe was doing sit-ups in the gym while coaching his “baby.” Sterling arrived and told him that she was very attracted to his fatherly responsibility, then asked him to be her “husband” for the project. Joe explained that he couldn’t get emotionally involved with her until the murder of Poonivich Pantisoff was solved.
The Fighting Panhandler brought Mr. Wilfong’s head into the music room. Wilfong ordered the Panhandler to get him a new body and to kill Joe Luderman. Wilfong then commanded the Panhandler to take off the head of his mascot costume. The Panhandler removed his mask, revealing the face of…Mr. Pinchot! But is it the Mr. Pinchot we know?
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was having a cup of coffee in the teacher’s lounge when the blood-covered Mr. Huggins and Edna Puddlemaker came in to clean up. Edna boasted of her prowess in beating up Principal Spoon, hoping to impress Munsen-Meyer. Suddenly, the battered principal crawled into the lounge. He couldn’t identify his assailants, but knew that it was somebody who didn’t like hot dogs.
Having been rejected by Joe, Sterling asked Todd if he would be her partner in the parenthood project, even though she knew he was gay. He told her that he was no longer gay, but was now in love with Gwen.
Joe was investigating the scene of Pooni’s murder when Mr. Pinchot arrived to offer assistance. As they surveyed the scene, Pinchot suddenly heard Mr. Wilfong’s voice chanting “Get Joe Luderman” (to the tune of “Frere Jacques”). Unable to resist the command, Pinchot snapped Joe’s neck.
NEXT WEEK: Miller and Mr. Huggins have a moment.
Principal Spoon called a meeting of the students to teach them responsibility: He handed out hot dogs to all the students, telling them that those hot dogs were now their “babies.” Any student who mistreats, neglects, or eats their “baby” will be expelled.
Todd Schrader (sporting a new grunge-rock look) and Joe Luderman noticed a mysterious box in the science lab labeled “Owen Tasker’s Science Project: Don’t Touch!” Defiantly, they touched it.
Miller and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were in Miller’s van, discussing their impending marriage. She told Miller that if he cleaned up a little and impressed her parents, she stood to inherit the Munsen-Meyer oyster and tartar sauce empire.
With Assistant Coach Damon out of town, the substitute gym teacher Edna Puddlemaker introduced herself to Sterling Schremerhorn. Edna noticed that Sterling was carrying a hot dog, so Sterling explained about Spoon’s project. Edna was outraged that the principal would force teenage girls to handle phallic objects.
Gwendolyn Pinchot and her father (and Fuego the duck) were talking on the roof. Apologetically, he explained that he’d have to leave again to take care his brother Buddy, who was gravely injured and left mute when Mr. Pinchot accidentally backed over him in the driveway. Mr. Pinchot sang a public service announcement about always checking the rear-view mirror.
Mr. Huggins barged into Principal Spoon’s office, furious about Spoon’s “parenthood” experiment. Huggins was angry that Spoon had divided the students into boy-girl pairs, thus denying any same-sex couples the right to raise a hot dog.
Fuming over Spoon’s project, Edna Puddlemaker sang a public service announcement about the male-dominated society.
In the cafeteria, Miller complimented Todd on his new look. Todd explained that he was rebelling against everything in general, since his father tried to have him killed. Miller sprung some bad news on Todd: They could no longer continue their relationship of having sex and then not talking about it. Miller explained that he was leaving him to marry Ms. Munsen-Meyer.
Undercover cop Joe Luderman was attempting to break into Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office to look over some records, when Munsen-Meyer arrived. She brought him in and told him that she’d looked up the records from his previous school, and learned that he never attended. What’s more, she checked his driver’s license and learned that he was 32 years old. She angrily demanded that he tell her the truth or leave the school. When he refused, she pulled out her “Granny Munsen-Meyer” puppet to see whether he’d confide in her. In turn, Joe used his hot-dog “baby” to talk to the puppet.
Mr. Huggins and Edna Puddlemaker decided to join forces to fight Principal Spoon’s project. Huggins proposed a number of protest ideas, but Edna convinced him that there was only one solution: violence.
In the darkened lab, the school mascot (and student council vice-president) The Fighting Panhandler approached the mysterious science project, moving as if in a trance. Miller entered with some paperwork for the Panhandler to sign, but the Panhandler throttled him into unconsciousness. Apparently under some strange influence, the Panhandler uncovered the science project, revealing the living disembodied head of Mr. Wilfong, the evil German music teacher.
Gwen was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Todd entered. Complimenting him on his new look, Gwen explained that she knew all about adopting a drastic change in appearance following an emotional upheaval. Even though they’d never liked each other before, they realized they had a lot in common: Gwen’s father seemingly died then turned up alive, and Todd’s father tried to kill him. Gwen invited Todd to a drum circle.
Miller was in his van when Sterling entered to talk to him about the new gym teacher. (“That dude with the tits?”)
Principal Spoon was performing a random check of the students’ “babies” when Mr. Huggins and Ms. Puddlemaker suddenly started beating him with chairs.
Joe was doing sit-ups in the gym while coaching his “baby.” Sterling arrived and told him that she was very attracted to his fatherly responsibility, then asked him to be her “husband” for the project. Joe explained that he couldn’t get emotionally involved with her until the murder of Poonivich Pantisoff was solved.
The Fighting Panhandler brought Mr. Wilfong’s head into the music room. Wilfong ordered the Panhandler to get him a new body and to kill Joe Luderman. Wilfong then commanded the Panhandler to take off the head of his mascot costume. The Panhandler removed his mask, revealing the face of…Mr. Pinchot! But is it the Mr. Pinchot we know?
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was having a cup of coffee in the teacher’s lounge when the blood-covered Mr. Huggins and Edna Puddlemaker came in to clean up. Edna boasted of her prowess in beating up Principal Spoon, hoping to impress Munsen-Meyer. Suddenly, the battered principal crawled into the lounge. He couldn’t identify his assailants, but knew that it was somebody who didn’t like hot dogs.
Having been rejected by Joe, Sterling asked Todd if he would be her partner in the parenthood project, even though she knew he was gay. He told her that he was no longer gay, but was now in love with Gwen.
Joe was investigating the scene of Pooni’s murder when Mr. Pinchot arrived to offer assistance. As they surveyed the scene, Pinchot suddenly heard Mr. Wilfong’s voice chanting “Get Joe Luderman” (to the tune of “Frere Jacques”). Unable to resist the command, Pinchot snapped Joe’s neck.
NEXT WEEK: Miller and Mr. Huggins have a moment.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Season 8, Episode 8: Duck Poop
Episode 8: Duck Poop
Having had her father recall Miller from office, Sterling Schremerhorn was settling into her position as the new student council president. Unaware that he had been deposed, Miller came into the office to resume his duties. When Sterling explained what had happened, Miller refused to accept it and threw her out.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was up on the roof, remembering the last time she saw her father. In a flashback, we saw Mr. Pinchot showing Gwen her new pet, a baby duck named Fuego. (“He poops a lot, so be careful.”) After a heartfelt moment, Mr. Pinchot left, taking Fuego with him. He told Gwen not to eat before he got back…but he never did return.
The evil German music teacher Mr. Wilfong called Owen Tasker to his classroom, explaining that he saw Owen’s great potential for evil. Wilfong said that the only thing Owen lacked was the killer instinct, but Owen pointed out that he had indeed killed two people (Lewis von Kemia and Poonivich Pantisoff). Wilfong was devastated to learn of Pooni’s death, but impressed with Owen’s accomplishments. Wilfong said that, with his guidance, Owen could run not only the school, but the world.
Assistant Coach Damon was pacing the halls and talking to his dodgeball Pepper. He thought back to a happier time…the day when Mr. Pinchot offered him a job in his pet store. In a flashback, Mr. Pinchot compared their friendship to the bond he had with Fuego the duck.
Sterling stormed into Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, furious that Miller had usurped the authority she had stolen fair and square. Ms. Munsen-Meyer offered to “take care” of Miller for her.
Joe Luderman was examining the purse found at the scene of Pooni’s murder. Finding a $10 bill, he realized that there was only one high school student rich enough to be carrying around that kind of money…Sterling Schremerhorn. Contemplating his dilemma, he remembered his old scoutmaster, Mr. Pinchot. Flashing back to the time Pinchot introduced him to Fuego the duck. (“I can’t express how much poop is in my hand.”) Pinchot advised him to follow the duck’s example: In times of trouble, just keep paddling…and pooping.
In the cafeteria, self-reappointed student council president Miller told Mr. Wilfong about his plans to increase school efficiency by 85% by eliminating social studies and grading the students on their social skills at parties instead. Wilfong suggested that he could also increase efficiency by removing the end of World War II from the history books. Miller liked the idea of making history class a cliffhanger.
Gwen was up on the roof, torn between Wilfong’s evil and the memory of her father’s goodness. Assistant Coach Damon arrived and told her that he needed to make a confession. We flashed back to the time that Damon tried to help Mr. Pinchot with his arthritis (from constantly holding the duck) by mixing up a homemade remedy for it. Shortly after that, Mr. Pinchot ran home, bleeding profusely and crying “Damon did it.” Gwen had always assumed that Damon was the killer’s first name; only now did she make the connection to Mr. Damon.
In the teacher’s lounge, Ms. Munsen-Meyer called in Owen Tasker to discuss what to do about Miller. In the middle of their conversation, Munsen-Meyer’s mind wandered and she flashed back to her affair with Mr. Pinchot. Returning to the present, Munsen-Meyer suddenly clutched at her chest and collapsed.
Fleeing Gwen’s wrath, Damon ran into the gym and found Joe Luderman. He explained that Gwen was after him because his arthritis remedy had killed her father. After a brief flashback with Mr. Pinchot, Joe revealed that he was an undercover cop, and offered Damon his protection.
Gwen told Mr. Wilfong that she had found the man who killed her father. Wilfong flashed back to the time he confronted the man who killed HIS father…Mr. Pinchot. In their final confrontation, Pinchot set his attack duck at Wilfong, but Wilfong got the upper hand by throwing acid at Pinchot. Pinchot ran home to his daughter, bleeding profusely. When Wilfong realized that Gwen blamed Damon for her father’s death, he smiled his evil smile.
Owen and Sterling were standing by the lockers when Owen flashed back to his encounter with Mr. Pinchot. Snapping back to reality, Owen tried to conceal his arousal from Sterling. He asked Sterling to help him in his bid for power, explaining that she could hold the title of student council president while he actually ran the school. In exchange, he offered her “the love of a lifetime.” She thought he was offering to fix her up with Joe.
Miller was mixing with the students when Ms. Munsen-Meyer crawled in, determined to end his reign. Seeing Munsen-Meyer on her last legs, Miller ran over and performed CPR. Recovering, Munsen-Meyer remembered the crush she had on Miller in the 5th grade. She could no longer bring herself to overthrow Miller; instead, she asked him to marry her.
In Mr. Wilfong’s sub-basement dungeon, the still-living Mr. Pinchot and Fuego the duck were being held prisoner. Wilfong reminisced about how he had faked Pinchot’s death by switching him with a dead homeless man in the hospital. (“He was black! I can’t believe nobody noticed!”) As Wilfong gloated, Pinchot sent Fuego out to get help.
Assistant Coach Damon was hiding in Miller’s van, but Gwen found him just the same. Just as she was about to take her vengeance, Fuego ran in and quacked out a warning. Pepper the dodgeball translated.
As Wilfong continued gloating, Gwen, Damon and Joe burst into the dungeon. Joe shot Wilfong, but Wilfong plunged his artificial hand into Joe’s throat and chest before collapsing (crushing Joe’s foot as he fell). Released from his bonds, Mr. Pinchot prepared to cauterize all of Joe’s injuries.
NEXT WEEK: Pinchot makes an amazing discovery.
Having had her father recall Miller from office, Sterling Schremerhorn was settling into her position as the new student council president. Unaware that he had been deposed, Miller came into the office to resume his duties. When Sterling explained what had happened, Miller refused to accept it and threw her out.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was up on the roof, remembering the last time she saw her father. In a flashback, we saw Mr. Pinchot showing Gwen her new pet, a baby duck named Fuego. (“He poops a lot, so be careful.”) After a heartfelt moment, Mr. Pinchot left, taking Fuego with him. He told Gwen not to eat before he got back…but he never did return.
The evil German music teacher Mr. Wilfong called Owen Tasker to his classroom, explaining that he saw Owen’s great potential for evil. Wilfong said that the only thing Owen lacked was the killer instinct, but Owen pointed out that he had indeed killed two people (Lewis von Kemia and Poonivich Pantisoff). Wilfong was devastated to learn of Pooni’s death, but impressed with Owen’s accomplishments. Wilfong said that, with his guidance, Owen could run not only the school, but the world.
Assistant Coach Damon was pacing the halls and talking to his dodgeball Pepper. He thought back to a happier time…the day when Mr. Pinchot offered him a job in his pet store. In a flashback, Mr. Pinchot compared their friendship to the bond he had with Fuego the duck.
Sterling stormed into Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, furious that Miller had usurped the authority she had stolen fair and square. Ms. Munsen-Meyer offered to “take care” of Miller for her.
Joe Luderman was examining the purse found at the scene of Pooni’s murder. Finding a $10 bill, he realized that there was only one high school student rich enough to be carrying around that kind of money…Sterling Schremerhorn. Contemplating his dilemma, he remembered his old scoutmaster, Mr. Pinchot. Flashing back to the time Pinchot introduced him to Fuego the duck. (“I can’t express how much poop is in my hand.”) Pinchot advised him to follow the duck’s example: In times of trouble, just keep paddling…and pooping.
In the cafeteria, self-reappointed student council president Miller told Mr. Wilfong about his plans to increase school efficiency by 85% by eliminating social studies and grading the students on their social skills at parties instead. Wilfong suggested that he could also increase efficiency by removing the end of World War II from the history books. Miller liked the idea of making history class a cliffhanger.
Gwen was up on the roof, torn between Wilfong’s evil and the memory of her father’s goodness. Assistant Coach Damon arrived and told her that he needed to make a confession. We flashed back to the time that Damon tried to help Mr. Pinchot with his arthritis (from constantly holding the duck) by mixing up a homemade remedy for it. Shortly after that, Mr. Pinchot ran home, bleeding profusely and crying “Damon did it.” Gwen had always assumed that Damon was the killer’s first name; only now did she make the connection to Mr. Damon.
In the teacher’s lounge, Ms. Munsen-Meyer called in Owen Tasker to discuss what to do about Miller. In the middle of their conversation, Munsen-Meyer’s mind wandered and she flashed back to her affair with Mr. Pinchot. Returning to the present, Munsen-Meyer suddenly clutched at her chest and collapsed.
Fleeing Gwen’s wrath, Damon ran into the gym and found Joe Luderman. He explained that Gwen was after him because his arthritis remedy had killed her father. After a brief flashback with Mr. Pinchot, Joe revealed that he was an undercover cop, and offered Damon his protection.
Gwen told Mr. Wilfong that she had found the man who killed her father. Wilfong flashed back to the time he confronted the man who killed HIS father…Mr. Pinchot. In their final confrontation, Pinchot set his attack duck at Wilfong, but Wilfong got the upper hand by throwing acid at Pinchot. Pinchot ran home to his daughter, bleeding profusely. When Wilfong realized that Gwen blamed Damon for her father’s death, he smiled his evil smile.
Owen and Sterling were standing by the lockers when Owen flashed back to his encounter with Mr. Pinchot. Snapping back to reality, Owen tried to conceal his arousal from Sterling. He asked Sterling to help him in his bid for power, explaining that she could hold the title of student council president while he actually ran the school. In exchange, he offered her “the love of a lifetime.” She thought he was offering to fix her up with Joe.
Miller was mixing with the students when Ms. Munsen-Meyer crawled in, determined to end his reign. Seeing Munsen-Meyer on her last legs, Miller ran over and performed CPR. Recovering, Munsen-Meyer remembered the crush she had on Miller in the 5th grade. She could no longer bring herself to overthrow Miller; instead, she asked him to marry her.
In Mr. Wilfong’s sub-basement dungeon, the still-living Mr. Pinchot and Fuego the duck were being held prisoner. Wilfong reminisced about how he had faked Pinchot’s death by switching him with a dead homeless man in the hospital. (“He was black! I can’t believe nobody noticed!”) As Wilfong gloated, Pinchot sent Fuego out to get help.
Assistant Coach Damon was hiding in Miller’s van, but Gwen found him just the same. Just as she was about to take her vengeance, Fuego ran in and quacked out a warning. Pepper the dodgeball translated.
As Wilfong continued gloating, Gwen, Damon and Joe burst into the dungeon. Joe shot Wilfong, but Wilfong plunged his artificial hand into Joe’s throat and chest before collapsing (crushing Joe’s foot as he fell). Released from his bonds, Mr. Pinchot prepared to cauterize all of Joe’s injuries.
NEXT WEEK: Pinchot makes an amazing discovery.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Season 8, Episode 7: Everybody Dies (Okay, Two People Die)
Episode 7: Everybody Dies (Okay, Two People Die)
Assistant Coach Damon received a phone call from the hospital, informing him that Lewis Von Kemia had died.
School custodian Mr. Cook was helping Russian exchange student Poonivich Pantisoff with her work-study program by having her assist him in changing the lights. She was all too familiar with the dangers of fluorescent tubes, due to the disastrous bulb-factory explosion in her hometown.
The German music teacher Glenn Wilfong was instructing Gwendolyn Pinchot in how to become more evil. She told him that her worst enemy in the school was Miller. However, since Miller’s first act as student council president was to give himself a week off, she couldn’t take revenge on him right now. Her second choice: Sterling Schremerhorn.
By the lockers, undercover cop Joe Luderman broke the news of Lewis’ death to Sterling. Shocked, Sterling blamed herself (not unreasonably, since she was the one who ran over him), but Joe informed her that it was Owen Tasker who had caused Lewis’ cancer.
Owen Tasker was giving blood for the school blood drive when Assistant Coach Damon entered and informed him of Lewis’ death. Damon urged Owen to give more blood in Lewis’ memory…and to earn another letter.
At the Crash Pad, Mr. Cook broke the news to Gwen. Gwen was stunned by this latest loss, on top of her father’s death earlier this year. Cook reminisced about his friendship with her father, shooting pool and coming to all of Gwen’s softball games.
Joe Luderman was directing a public-service announcement for the school’s closed-circuit TV channel, with Assistant Coach Damon warning the students of the dangers of drugs. (“Nine out of ten kids who do drugs die. And that’s a promise.”)
Mr. Wilfong was polishing his trombone “Tooty” and reflecting on his new life in America, when Poonivich Pantisoff entered. They had a brief conversation in Russian, and Pooni joined him in a duet with her cello, “Mrs. Garrett.”
At the blood drive, Sterling angrily confronted Owen about Lewis’ death. She informed him that she was going to run for student council just to throw Owen out of school. Owen pointed out that the elections were over and that Miller had won. Sterling called her rich father and had Miller recalled and herself appointed president.
Pooni asked Gwen to supply her with some Charmin toilet paper to send home to Russia, then sang the traditional Russian toilet-paper song “Can I Squeeze It?” Touched by the song, Gwen declared her love for Pooni.
Sterling questioned Owen about his responsibility for Lewis’ death. Loss of blood had rendered Owen too delirious to lie, so he admitted to giving Lewis’ cancer. Still compelled to tell the truth, Owen told Sterling that he loved her, and would gladly get revenge on Gwen and Miller for her. Then he confessed to masturbating six times a day.
Joe Luderman spied on Mr. Cook as Cook cleaned out Lewis’ locker, but Joe didn’t do a very good job of hiding.
Semi-recovered, Owen Tasker was filming a blood drive announcement with Gwen for the school’s closed-circuit system. Once she was in front of the camera, Gwen took advantage of the opportunity by revealing the truth about Owen…he doesn’t donate blood regularly, his trophies are plastic fakes, and the school doesn’t even HAVE a chess club. She then recited a mystical chant taught to her by Mr. Wilfong, putting Owen in her power. She commanded Owen to tell Sterling that he doesn’t love her after all…then kill her. Mr. Wilfong gleefully watched over the closed-circuit TV.
Joe and Sterling were having lunch at the cafeteria. Sterling warned Joe not to get involved with Gwen, and Joe angrily threw her tray off the table. Assistant Coach Damon came in to clean it up, having taken yet another job to pay the bills.
Due to budget cuts, Damon was teaching AP physics to Pooni. He began “There are many mysteries to physics that haven’t been explained…it’s a lot like Catholicism.” Pooni was outraged by his introduction of religion into the classroom, and Damon was equally upset with her godless communism. A slow-motion fight scene broke out. Mr. Cook arrived with his video camera.
Mr. Wilfong and Gwen were going over their evil plans. Wilfong asked Gwen to serve a very special meal the next time Joe Luderman comes to the Crash Pad: a burger with a side of cocaine.
Under Gwen’s spell, Owen was gathering knives at the Crash Pad when Joe Luderman entered and warned him that “there’s a guy one step behind the guy two steps ahead of you.” Owen declared his intention to kill Sterling, believing that the law couldn’t touch him. Joe told Owen that the law could indeed touch him, and that he’d soon be lettering in prison rape.
Mr. Cook confronted Damon with the video of his compromising encounter with Pooni. As Damon professed his innocence, Cook remembered his own encounter with a student in Florida. Suddenly, Pooni burst in and announced that she had Cook’s confession on tape. Damon revealed that Cook had yet another hold on him…Cook knows that Damon killed Gwen’s father.
Joe Luderman was relaxing at home after a hard day’s undercover work. Mr. Wilfong sneaked in, but was soon discovered. As Joe confronted him, Wilfong noticed all of the “I’m a Cop” posters in Joe’s apartment.
Poonivich Pantisoff had stolen Sterling Schremerhorn’s purse in search of breath mints to sustain herself. Finding none, she started chewing on a tampon. Following Sterling’s scent, the entranced Owen Tasker came up behind Pooni and strangled her. Only after the deed was done did Owen discover that he’d killed the wrong girl.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen confronts Mr. Wilfong about Joe.
Assistant Coach Damon received a phone call from the hospital, informing him that Lewis Von Kemia had died.
School custodian Mr. Cook was helping Russian exchange student Poonivich Pantisoff with her work-study program by having her assist him in changing the lights. She was all too familiar with the dangers of fluorescent tubes, due to the disastrous bulb-factory explosion in her hometown.
The German music teacher Glenn Wilfong was instructing Gwendolyn Pinchot in how to become more evil. She told him that her worst enemy in the school was Miller. However, since Miller’s first act as student council president was to give himself a week off, she couldn’t take revenge on him right now. Her second choice: Sterling Schremerhorn.
By the lockers, undercover cop Joe Luderman broke the news of Lewis’ death to Sterling. Shocked, Sterling blamed herself (not unreasonably, since she was the one who ran over him), but Joe informed her that it was Owen Tasker who had caused Lewis’ cancer.
Owen Tasker was giving blood for the school blood drive when Assistant Coach Damon entered and informed him of Lewis’ death. Damon urged Owen to give more blood in Lewis’ memory…and to earn another letter.
At the Crash Pad, Mr. Cook broke the news to Gwen. Gwen was stunned by this latest loss, on top of her father’s death earlier this year. Cook reminisced about his friendship with her father, shooting pool and coming to all of Gwen’s softball games.
Joe Luderman was directing a public-service announcement for the school’s closed-circuit TV channel, with Assistant Coach Damon warning the students of the dangers of drugs. (“Nine out of ten kids who do drugs die. And that’s a promise.”)
Mr. Wilfong was polishing his trombone “Tooty” and reflecting on his new life in America, when Poonivich Pantisoff entered. They had a brief conversation in Russian, and Pooni joined him in a duet with her cello, “Mrs. Garrett.”
At the blood drive, Sterling angrily confronted Owen about Lewis’ death. She informed him that she was going to run for student council just to throw Owen out of school. Owen pointed out that the elections were over and that Miller had won. Sterling called her rich father and had Miller recalled and herself appointed president.
Pooni asked Gwen to supply her with some Charmin toilet paper to send home to Russia, then sang the traditional Russian toilet-paper song “Can I Squeeze It?” Touched by the song, Gwen declared her love for Pooni.
Sterling questioned Owen about his responsibility for Lewis’ death. Loss of blood had rendered Owen too delirious to lie, so he admitted to giving Lewis’ cancer. Still compelled to tell the truth, Owen told Sterling that he loved her, and would gladly get revenge on Gwen and Miller for her. Then he confessed to masturbating six times a day.
Joe Luderman spied on Mr. Cook as Cook cleaned out Lewis’ locker, but Joe didn’t do a very good job of hiding.
Semi-recovered, Owen Tasker was filming a blood drive announcement with Gwen for the school’s closed-circuit system. Once she was in front of the camera, Gwen took advantage of the opportunity by revealing the truth about Owen…he doesn’t donate blood regularly, his trophies are plastic fakes, and the school doesn’t even HAVE a chess club. She then recited a mystical chant taught to her by Mr. Wilfong, putting Owen in her power. She commanded Owen to tell Sterling that he doesn’t love her after all…then kill her. Mr. Wilfong gleefully watched over the closed-circuit TV.
Joe and Sterling were having lunch at the cafeteria. Sterling warned Joe not to get involved with Gwen, and Joe angrily threw her tray off the table. Assistant Coach Damon came in to clean it up, having taken yet another job to pay the bills.
Due to budget cuts, Damon was teaching AP physics to Pooni. He began “There are many mysteries to physics that haven’t been explained…it’s a lot like Catholicism.” Pooni was outraged by his introduction of religion into the classroom, and Damon was equally upset with her godless communism. A slow-motion fight scene broke out. Mr. Cook arrived with his video camera.
Mr. Wilfong and Gwen were going over their evil plans. Wilfong asked Gwen to serve a very special meal the next time Joe Luderman comes to the Crash Pad: a burger with a side of cocaine.
Under Gwen’s spell, Owen was gathering knives at the Crash Pad when Joe Luderman entered and warned him that “there’s a guy one step behind the guy two steps ahead of you.” Owen declared his intention to kill Sterling, believing that the law couldn’t touch him. Joe told Owen that the law could indeed touch him, and that he’d soon be lettering in prison rape.
Mr. Cook confronted Damon with the video of his compromising encounter with Pooni. As Damon professed his innocence, Cook remembered his own encounter with a student in Florida. Suddenly, Pooni burst in and announced that she had Cook’s confession on tape. Damon revealed that Cook had yet another hold on him…Cook knows that Damon killed Gwen’s father.
Joe Luderman was relaxing at home after a hard day’s undercover work. Mr. Wilfong sneaked in, but was soon discovered. As Joe confronted him, Wilfong noticed all of the “I’m a Cop” posters in Joe’s apartment.
Poonivich Pantisoff had stolen Sterling Schremerhorn’s purse in search of breath mints to sustain herself. Finding none, she started chewing on a tampon. Following Sterling’s scent, the entranced Owen Tasker came up behind Pooni and strangled her. Only after the deed was done did Owen discover that he’d killed the wrong girl.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen confronts Mr. Wilfong about Joe.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Season 8, Episode 6: The Russo-German Campaign
Episode 6: The Russo-German Campaign
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was going over some paperwork with the new Russian exchange student, Poonivich Pantisoff.
MUNSEN-MEYER: “What exactly do you want to get out of the school year?”
POONIVICH: “Blue jeans.”
Meanwhile, the German music teacher Glenn Wilfong was trying to teach the basics to Todd Schrader. Wilfong gave Todd detention for staring at his prosthetic hand (which he insisted was real). Todd retorted that his football practice exempted him from detention, but that didn’t matter to Wilfong.
With the student council elections coming up, Miller had covered the school with campaign signs (written on empty beer cartons). Miller’s running-mate, the Fighting Panhandler, used pantomime to suggest a campaign slogan: “Miller digs wagons and dynamite!”
Principal Spoon stopped by the Crash Pad to talk to Gwendolyn Pinchot about her campaign for student council. She didn’t have much confidence going up against Miller, but Spoon pointed out that she had one advantage over Miller…a heart of gold. (“Wow, nobody’s ever said that to me except my dead father.”) She told Spoon that, since her father’s death, she looked up to him as a father figure. The principal warned her, “Don’t stand so close to me.”
Assistant Coach Damon was telling Poonivich Pantisoff about the American way of life. He explained that America was a land of opportunity, where, with enough hard work and determination, anybody could earn minimum wage. He suggested that Pooni run for student council, but she was too preoccupied by staring at his crotch.
Up on the rooftop, Miller was delivering a campaign speech to the students below. Ms. Munsen-Meyer arrived and forbade him from running for student council. Miller shoved her, leading to a scuffle between them. Ms. Munsen-Meyer finally got Miller in a choke-hold until he fell limp.
Glenn Wilfong informed Principal Spoon that he was removing Todd Schrader from football practice to serve detention. Todd suddenly burst into the office and angrily confronted Wilfong, throwing his monocle to the floor. Wilfong swore to increase Todd’s punishment.
Assistant Coach Damon was offering some campaign advice to Gwen, even though she wanted to cut the athletics program entirely. Damon explained that he was once as rebellious as her, even mailing the principal a homemade pipe bomb made out of Wesson Oil, Bisquick and chutney. This confession greatly increased Gwen’s respect for Damon. He suggested that she recruit Poonivich Pantisoff as her running-mate.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was desperately trying to hide Miller’s unmoving body under her desk when Principal Spoon knocked on the door. Spoon was stunned to see the black eye that Munsen-Meyer had sustained in the struggle, but she made up an excuse about getting hit by a dodgeball. Suddenly, Miller regained consciousness and stood up…only to discover that he’d gone blind.
In the cafeteria, Gwen was trying to get Todd’s vote; he finally agreed to vote for her just to make her leave him alone. He apologized for his rudeness, explaining that he had some issues he was internalizing.
Assistant Coach Damon and Glenn Wilfong were working out in the gym, with Wilfong using his artificial hand to block Damon’s dodgeball.
Todd Schrader started vandalizing the music classroom, while the uncomprehending Poonivich looked on in confusion. Suddenly, Glenn Wilfong entered and saw the destruction.
Principal Spoon informed Assistant Coach Damon that he was eliminating dodgeball, due to Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s injury. Damon swore that the student council would be his puppet government and wrest control of the school from Spoon.
Gwen found Miller wandering sightlessly through the school, using his spoon to tap his way around the hall. He explained that Ms. Munsen-Meyer had blinded him, but she thought he was faking to get the sympathy vote.
A school court was held to determine the truth of Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s injury, with Principal Spoon presiding and Glenn Wilfong acting as advocate. When Munsen-Meyer testified that Damon lured her into the gym and hit her with a dodgeball, Wilfong revealed that HE was practicing with the school’s only dodgeball at the time of the alleged incident. Suddenly, Todd burst in with proof that Mr. Wilfong was, in fact, Adolf Hitler! Principal Spoon didn’t dispute Todd’s revelation, but pointed out that it was irrelevant to the hearing.
Gwen and Pooni devised a campaign song decrying the sales tax on cafeteria food and advocating public displays of affection in the halls. Pooni told Gwen “I want to kiss you in a lesplatonic way.” They did.
At the hearing, Wilfong called in Miller as a surprise witness. Blindly placing his hand on Damon’s crotch to swear himself in, Miller testified that he, not Damon, had given Munsen-Meyer her black eye. Munsen-Meyer tackled Miller and wrestled him to the ground again, restoring his sight the same way she had taken it away.
The student council candidates addressed the school for their final campaign speeches. By a show of hands, Miller was elected the winner.
Upset by her defeat, Gwen went to see Mr. Wilfong for advice. She complained that being nice and reaching out to people didn’t work, so now she wanted Wilfong to teach her the ways of evil and nastiness.
NEXT WEEK: Damon receives a tragic phone call.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was going over some paperwork with the new Russian exchange student, Poonivich Pantisoff.
MUNSEN-MEYER: “What exactly do you want to get out of the school year?”
POONIVICH: “Blue jeans.”
Meanwhile, the German music teacher Glenn Wilfong was trying to teach the basics to Todd Schrader. Wilfong gave Todd detention for staring at his prosthetic hand (which he insisted was real). Todd retorted that his football practice exempted him from detention, but that didn’t matter to Wilfong.
With the student council elections coming up, Miller had covered the school with campaign signs (written on empty beer cartons). Miller’s running-mate, the Fighting Panhandler, used pantomime to suggest a campaign slogan: “Miller digs wagons and dynamite!”
Principal Spoon stopped by the Crash Pad to talk to Gwendolyn Pinchot about her campaign for student council. She didn’t have much confidence going up against Miller, but Spoon pointed out that she had one advantage over Miller…a heart of gold. (“Wow, nobody’s ever said that to me except my dead father.”) She told Spoon that, since her father’s death, she looked up to him as a father figure. The principal warned her, “Don’t stand so close to me.”
Assistant Coach Damon was telling Poonivich Pantisoff about the American way of life. He explained that America was a land of opportunity, where, with enough hard work and determination, anybody could earn minimum wage. He suggested that Pooni run for student council, but she was too preoccupied by staring at his crotch.
Up on the rooftop, Miller was delivering a campaign speech to the students below. Ms. Munsen-Meyer arrived and forbade him from running for student council. Miller shoved her, leading to a scuffle between them. Ms. Munsen-Meyer finally got Miller in a choke-hold until he fell limp.
Glenn Wilfong informed Principal Spoon that he was removing Todd Schrader from football practice to serve detention. Todd suddenly burst into the office and angrily confronted Wilfong, throwing his monocle to the floor. Wilfong swore to increase Todd’s punishment.
Assistant Coach Damon was offering some campaign advice to Gwen, even though she wanted to cut the athletics program entirely. Damon explained that he was once as rebellious as her, even mailing the principal a homemade pipe bomb made out of Wesson Oil, Bisquick and chutney. This confession greatly increased Gwen’s respect for Damon. He suggested that she recruit Poonivich Pantisoff as her running-mate.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was desperately trying to hide Miller’s unmoving body under her desk when Principal Spoon knocked on the door. Spoon was stunned to see the black eye that Munsen-Meyer had sustained in the struggle, but she made up an excuse about getting hit by a dodgeball. Suddenly, Miller regained consciousness and stood up…only to discover that he’d gone blind.
In the cafeteria, Gwen was trying to get Todd’s vote; he finally agreed to vote for her just to make her leave him alone. He apologized for his rudeness, explaining that he had some issues he was internalizing.
Assistant Coach Damon and Glenn Wilfong were working out in the gym, with Wilfong using his artificial hand to block Damon’s dodgeball.
Todd Schrader started vandalizing the music classroom, while the uncomprehending Poonivich looked on in confusion. Suddenly, Glenn Wilfong entered and saw the destruction.
Principal Spoon informed Assistant Coach Damon that he was eliminating dodgeball, due to Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s injury. Damon swore that the student council would be his puppet government and wrest control of the school from Spoon.
Gwen found Miller wandering sightlessly through the school, using his spoon to tap his way around the hall. He explained that Ms. Munsen-Meyer had blinded him, but she thought he was faking to get the sympathy vote.
A school court was held to determine the truth of Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s injury, with Principal Spoon presiding and Glenn Wilfong acting as advocate. When Munsen-Meyer testified that Damon lured her into the gym and hit her with a dodgeball, Wilfong revealed that HE was practicing with the school’s only dodgeball at the time of the alleged incident. Suddenly, Todd burst in with proof that Mr. Wilfong was, in fact, Adolf Hitler! Principal Spoon didn’t dispute Todd’s revelation, but pointed out that it was irrelevant to the hearing.
Gwen and Pooni devised a campaign song decrying the sales tax on cafeteria food and advocating public displays of affection in the halls. Pooni told Gwen “I want to kiss you in a lesplatonic way.” They did.
At the hearing, Wilfong called in Miller as a surprise witness. Blindly placing his hand on Damon’s crotch to swear himself in, Miller testified that he, not Damon, had given Munsen-Meyer her black eye. Munsen-Meyer tackled Miller and wrestled him to the ground again, restoring his sight the same way she had taken it away.
The student council candidates addressed the school for their final campaign speeches. By a show of hands, Miller was elected the winner.
Upset by her defeat, Gwen went to see Mr. Wilfong for advice. She complained that being nice and reaching out to people didn’t work, so now she wanted Wilfong to teach her the ways of evil and nastiness.
NEXT WEEK: Damon receives a tragic phone call.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Season 8, Episode 5: My Funny Valentine
Episode 5: My Funny Valentine
Up on the roof, Miller was gazing at his precious ring, trying to resist the temptation to put it on (“or those freaky fucked-up dudes with the sunken faces will come”). Owen Tasker arrived and demanded that Miller turn over the ring, or else Miller would meet the same unspecified fate as the ring’s previous owner, Miller’s uncle Oral Hanks.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was trying to sell Valentine’s Day flowers, but nobody was interested.
Assistant Coach Damon was practicing his dodgeball moves when Junior ROTC officer Tad Poonowl came back to school. Damon asked if Tad could do anything about the military helicopters circling the school, but Tad claimed to know nothing about General Rip Schrader’s operations.
Mr. Huggins met Todd Schrader in the cafeteria to discuss the issue of Todd’s sexuality. To break through Todd’s barriers, Huggins sang him a tender Valentine’s ballad.
In AP English class (taught by Assistant Coach Damon, due to budget cuts), Sterling Schremerhorn was complaining about the cheapness of all the carnations she’d been given. Gwen launched into a profanity-laced rant about Sterling’s ingratitude and Valentine’s Day in general. Damon warned Gwen that her rebellious attitude would get her nowhere, but Sterling sprang to her defense. Trying to spread the spirit to the less fortunate, Sterling gave her candy and flowers to Damon and Gwen.
Tad Poonowl arrived in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, and she congratulated him on his career track with the US government (“the finest corporation on Earth”). She told Tad how much she wished the other students were like him, kneeling by his feet as she envisioned a school full of Tads.
Mr. Huggins held an intervention for Miller regarding his dependence on the ring. (“What does the Hugginses want?”) Miller attacked Huggins and began wrestling him to the ground. As they writhed around wildly, Owen Tasker secretly filmed them from the closet.
Depressed over Sterling rejecting him, Owen asked the school mascot, the Fighting Panhandler, for romantic advice. Communicating in pantomime, the Panhandler suggested getting down on one knee to propose…then spanking her.
In the locker room, Tad Poonowl told Todd Schrader how disappointed Todd’s father, General Rip Schrader, was in him. In fact, Tad revealed, the General had ordered Tad to eliminate Todd with extreme prejudice.
Gwen was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Sterling entered. Sterling explained that she’d had an epiphany. Having realized that life wasn’t as wonderful for everybody as it is for her, she wanted make Gwen’s life better. Gwen pointed out that, while Sterling’s intentions might be good, her condescending attitude wasn’t helping. Gwen suggested that Sterling try being nice to people, but doubted that she could do it.
STERLING: “You don’t think I can be nice? I’ll show you! Oh, shoot, I’m already not being nice. This is hard! My head hurts!”
Assistant Coach Damon and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were trying to help Miller give up the ring. When Damon offered Miller a package of pastel crayons, Miller immediately forgot about the ring and eagerly traded it. Holding the ring, Damon realized that its power could make him a full-fledged teacher.
Mr. Huggins was at home watching videos and waiting for the plumber, when Gwen came to see him for help. Huggins told Gwen that he admired her artistic streak, which she expressed through her punk aesthetic. Gwen was amazed that Huggins actually understood her. As they conversed, the Fighting Panhandler came by and fixed Huggins’ sink.
As Sterling and Owen prepared the Valentine’s Day dance, Sterling reflected on the irony of her not having a date, what with Todd turning gay and Lewis being in the hospital. Seeing his opportunity, Owen was about to ask her out when Miller suddenly arrived and gave Sterling some chocolates and a card. Touched, Sterling agreed to be Miller’s date. Owen warned Miller that he had just bought himself eight more years of high school.
A stealth helicopter lowered General Rip Schrader onto the roof of the school for a secret meeting with Tad Poonowl. Schrader congratulated Tad on his disguise as a Junior ROTC officer, when he’s actually an elite assassin with a half-machine brain, programmed to kill the General’s son. As the General went to take a leak, Todd Schrader arrived on the roof. Tad used a leg-sweep to knock Todd off the roof, but Todd managed to crawl back up.
Under the influence of the ring, Assistant Coach Damon was gradually becoming Irish. Regaining his will and accent long enough to remove the ring from around his neck, Damon confronted Ms. Munsen-Meyer about their affair a few weeks back. Munsen-Meyer explained that it could never work out between them, since he was only a lowly assistant coach and she was an Ivy League-educated counselor. Damon resolved to use the ring to make himself a powerful man. They kissed.
At the Valentine’s Day dance, Mr. Huggins introduced the couples competing for the title of Valentine’s King and Queen: Miller and Sterling, Owen and Gwen, and Todd and Tad. Huggins then announced the winners: Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Assistant Coach Damon, whom he had seen making out.
NEXT WEEK: Damon and Munsen-Meyer must make their decision.
Up on the roof, Miller was gazing at his precious ring, trying to resist the temptation to put it on (“or those freaky fucked-up dudes with the sunken faces will come”). Owen Tasker arrived and demanded that Miller turn over the ring, or else Miller would meet the same unspecified fate as the ring’s previous owner, Miller’s uncle Oral Hanks.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was trying to sell Valentine’s Day flowers, but nobody was interested.
Assistant Coach Damon was practicing his dodgeball moves when Junior ROTC officer Tad Poonowl came back to school. Damon asked if Tad could do anything about the military helicopters circling the school, but Tad claimed to know nothing about General Rip Schrader’s operations.
Mr. Huggins met Todd Schrader in the cafeteria to discuss the issue of Todd’s sexuality. To break through Todd’s barriers, Huggins sang him a tender Valentine’s ballad.
In AP English class (taught by Assistant Coach Damon, due to budget cuts), Sterling Schremerhorn was complaining about the cheapness of all the carnations she’d been given. Gwen launched into a profanity-laced rant about Sterling’s ingratitude and Valentine’s Day in general. Damon warned Gwen that her rebellious attitude would get her nowhere, but Sterling sprang to her defense. Trying to spread the spirit to the less fortunate, Sterling gave her candy and flowers to Damon and Gwen.
Tad Poonowl arrived in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, and she congratulated him on his career track with the US government (“the finest corporation on Earth”). She told Tad how much she wished the other students were like him, kneeling by his feet as she envisioned a school full of Tads.
Mr. Huggins held an intervention for Miller regarding his dependence on the ring. (“What does the Hugginses want?”) Miller attacked Huggins and began wrestling him to the ground. As they writhed around wildly, Owen Tasker secretly filmed them from the closet.
Depressed over Sterling rejecting him, Owen asked the school mascot, the Fighting Panhandler, for romantic advice. Communicating in pantomime, the Panhandler suggested getting down on one knee to propose…then spanking her.
In the locker room, Tad Poonowl told Todd Schrader how disappointed Todd’s father, General Rip Schrader, was in him. In fact, Tad revealed, the General had ordered Tad to eliminate Todd with extreme prejudice.
Gwen was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Sterling entered. Sterling explained that she’d had an epiphany. Having realized that life wasn’t as wonderful for everybody as it is for her, she wanted make Gwen’s life better. Gwen pointed out that, while Sterling’s intentions might be good, her condescending attitude wasn’t helping. Gwen suggested that Sterling try being nice to people, but doubted that she could do it.
STERLING: “You don’t think I can be nice? I’ll show you! Oh, shoot, I’m already not being nice. This is hard! My head hurts!”
Assistant Coach Damon and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were trying to help Miller give up the ring. When Damon offered Miller a package of pastel crayons, Miller immediately forgot about the ring and eagerly traded it. Holding the ring, Damon realized that its power could make him a full-fledged teacher.
Mr. Huggins was at home watching videos and waiting for the plumber, when Gwen came to see him for help. Huggins told Gwen that he admired her artistic streak, which she expressed through her punk aesthetic. Gwen was amazed that Huggins actually understood her. As they conversed, the Fighting Panhandler came by and fixed Huggins’ sink.
As Sterling and Owen prepared the Valentine’s Day dance, Sterling reflected on the irony of her not having a date, what with Todd turning gay and Lewis being in the hospital. Seeing his opportunity, Owen was about to ask her out when Miller suddenly arrived and gave Sterling some chocolates and a card. Touched, Sterling agreed to be Miller’s date. Owen warned Miller that he had just bought himself eight more years of high school.
A stealth helicopter lowered General Rip Schrader onto the roof of the school for a secret meeting with Tad Poonowl. Schrader congratulated Tad on his disguise as a Junior ROTC officer, when he’s actually an elite assassin with a half-machine brain, programmed to kill the General’s son. As the General went to take a leak, Todd Schrader arrived on the roof. Tad used a leg-sweep to knock Todd off the roof, but Todd managed to crawl back up.
Under the influence of the ring, Assistant Coach Damon was gradually becoming Irish. Regaining his will and accent long enough to remove the ring from around his neck, Damon confronted Ms. Munsen-Meyer about their affair a few weeks back. Munsen-Meyer explained that it could never work out between them, since he was only a lowly assistant coach and she was an Ivy League-educated counselor. Damon resolved to use the ring to make himself a powerful man. They kissed.
At the Valentine’s Day dance, Mr. Huggins introduced the couples competing for the title of Valentine’s King and Queen: Miller and Sterling, Owen and Gwen, and Todd and Tad. Huggins then announced the winners: Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Assistant Coach Damon, whom he had seen making out.
NEXT WEEK: Damon and Munsen-Meyer must make their decision.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Season 8, Episode 4: The Scholarship of the Ring
Episode 4: The Scholarship of the Ring
Smoking weed on the roof, Miller told Gwendolyn Pinchot that he accidentally had sex with Todd Schrader, mistaking him for Sterling Schremerhorn. He explained that he was informing her because he knew he was supposed to tell his partner about his recent sexual activity in case of STDs. He wasn’t sure whether that applied retroactively, since this happened after he slept with Gwen, but just in case…
Owen Tasker was at his locker when class ring salesman Oral Hanks arrived to pitch his goods. When Owen expressed interest in a diamond ring, Oral tried to convince him that “diamondesque” was far superior.
Mr. Huggins congratulated Todd Schrader for bravely coming out of the closet. Insisting that he wasn’t gay, Todd claimed that he was only fighting with Miller when Miller pulled out a pipe. (“A fleshy pipe?”)
Ms. Munsen-Meyer met with Todd’s father, General Rip Schrader, but the General was oblivious to her hints about Todd’s coming-out. Finally, Munsen-Meyer grabbed the General’s bullhorn and announced that Todd was gay. General Schrader snatched back the bullhorn and used it to shout that he had no son.
Oral Hanks was selling class rings by the lockers when Sterling Schremerhorn walked by. He recommended his finest “rubish” ring. Sterling eagerly pulled out her credit card.
Assistant Coach Damon was trading in some food stamps for a meal at the Crash Pad. Sympathetic to his plight, Gwen threw in some extra mayo packets. Suddenly, getting wind of the free mayo, the Fighting Panhandler burst in for a handout. Damon and the Panhandler fought until Damon apparently killed the mascot. Ms. Munsen-Meyer attempted CPR, but it wasn’t until the school fight song started playing that the Panhandler came back to full strength.
Oral Hanks ran into his nephew, Miller. Since they’re family, Oral offered to give Miller a very special ring. (“Nine rings were crafted for the chess club. Three rings were crafted for the student council. But one ring was crafted to rule them all.”) With great fanfare, Oral presented Miller with the One Ring.
In the cafeteria, Owen Tasker told Sterling that he knew she was crazy about him. He explained that he’d seen her looking at him in calculus, but she retorted that she was only trying to cheat off of his papers. Owen swore that he would win her heart once he possessed the most powerful ring of all.
On the roof, Miller was savoring his “precious” new ring. Mr. Huggins arrived to discuss Miller’s encounter with Todd. Believing that Huggins was after his ring, Miller assumed a defensive stance.
Oral Hanks ran into Assistant Coach Damon in the hallway. Impressed by Damon’s style, Hanks offered him a job with Jasten’s, his class-ring company. Hanks explained that he was once a lowly assistant cafeteria worker when a man came through selling cock-rings, and his life was never the same afterwards. Now, he was offering Damon the same opportunity.
Gwen was sobbing in an empty classroom when Sterling entered. Gwen angrily blamed Sterling for her STD, since Sterling’s abstinence caused Miller to have sex with Todd. Sterling countered that Gwen only had her own sluttiness to blame. Unbeknownst to either of them, Ms. Munsen-Meyer was behind the podium and had heard everything.
In Miller’s van, Miller and Todd discussed their situation. Todd insisted that he wasn’t gay…even though they had just had sex again. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the backseat and had heard everything.
Owen Tasker and Assistant Coach Damon were practicing dodgeball in the gym. Struck in the groin by a dodgeball, Owen doubled over and wound up with his face in Damon’s crotch. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the gym and had heard everything.
The Fighting Panhandler was wandering around drunk when General Rip Schrader spotted him. Believing the Panhandler to be some kind of alien being, Schrader invited the mascot to his aircraft carrier. Having lulled it into a sense of security, Schrader ordered his men to fire the tranq-guns.
At the Crash Pad, Gwen was reading a pamphlet about her dilemma (“Gonorrhea: It’s No Clapping Matter”). Ms. Munsen-Meyer arrived to discuss Gwen’s future. Munsen-Meyer assured Gwen that her STD was curable and wouldn’t be held against her…but if Gwen ever wanted to get into a good school, she needed to give up her 27-year-old punk-rocker boyfriend.
In the hallway, Owen Tasker declared his love to Sterling Schremerhorn. She pointed out that “love” doesn’t mean making fake photos of her in compromising positions and then showing them to her dying ex-boyfriend, Lewis von Kemia.
Todd Schrader was walking home when he encountered the Fighting Panhandler, now transformed into a living killing-machine by the US military. Todd was helpless against the Panhandler, but was saved when Miller burst in and put on the One Ring. Unable to see Miller, Todd gasped in awe as the invisible opponent quickly vanquished the Panhandler.
NEXT WEEK: Miller asks Ms. Munsen-Meyer for help.
Smoking weed on the roof, Miller told Gwendolyn Pinchot that he accidentally had sex with Todd Schrader, mistaking him for Sterling Schremerhorn. He explained that he was informing her because he knew he was supposed to tell his partner about his recent sexual activity in case of STDs. He wasn’t sure whether that applied retroactively, since this happened after he slept with Gwen, but just in case…
Owen Tasker was at his locker when class ring salesman Oral Hanks arrived to pitch his goods. When Owen expressed interest in a diamond ring, Oral tried to convince him that “diamondesque” was far superior.
Mr. Huggins congratulated Todd Schrader for bravely coming out of the closet. Insisting that he wasn’t gay, Todd claimed that he was only fighting with Miller when Miller pulled out a pipe. (“A fleshy pipe?”)
Ms. Munsen-Meyer met with Todd’s father, General Rip Schrader, but the General was oblivious to her hints about Todd’s coming-out. Finally, Munsen-Meyer grabbed the General’s bullhorn and announced that Todd was gay. General Schrader snatched back the bullhorn and used it to shout that he had no son.
Oral Hanks was selling class rings by the lockers when Sterling Schremerhorn walked by. He recommended his finest “rubish” ring. Sterling eagerly pulled out her credit card.
Assistant Coach Damon was trading in some food stamps for a meal at the Crash Pad. Sympathetic to his plight, Gwen threw in some extra mayo packets. Suddenly, getting wind of the free mayo, the Fighting Panhandler burst in for a handout. Damon and the Panhandler fought until Damon apparently killed the mascot. Ms. Munsen-Meyer attempted CPR, but it wasn’t until the school fight song started playing that the Panhandler came back to full strength.
Oral Hanks ran into his nephew, Miller. Since they’re family, Oral offered to give Miller a very special ring. (“Nine rings were crafted for the chess club. Three rings were crafted for the student council. But one ring was crafted to rule them all.”) With great fanfare, Oral presented Miller with the One Ring.
In the cafeteria, Owen Tasker told Sterling that he knew she was crazy about him. He explained that he’d seen her looking at him in calculus, but she retorted that she was only trying to cheat off of his papers. Owen swore that he would win her heart once he possessed the most powerful ring of all.
On the roof, Miller was savoring his “precious” new ring. Mr. Huggins arrived to discuss Miller’s encounter with Todd. Believing that Huggins was after his ring, Miller assumed a defensive stance.
Oral Hanks ran into Assistant Coach Damon in the hallway. Impressed by Damon’s style, Hanks offered him a job with Jasten’s, his class-ring company. Hanks explained that he was once a lowly assistant cafeteria worker when a man came through selling cock-rings, and his life was never the same afterwards. Now, he was offering Damon the same opportunity.
Gwen was sobbing in an empty classroom when Sterling entered. Gwen angrily blamed Sterling for her STD, since Sterling’s abstinence caused Miller to have sex with Todd. Sterling countered that Gwen only had her own sluttiness to blame. Unbeknownst to either of them, Ms. Munsen-Meyer was behind the podium and had heard everything.
In Miller’s van, Miller and Todd discussed their situation. Todd insisted that he wasn’t gay…even though they had just had sex again. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the backseat and had heard everything.
Owen Tasker and Assistant Coach Damon were practicing dodgeball in the gym. Struck in the groin by a dodgeball, Owen doubled over and wound up with his face in Damon’s crotch. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the gym and had heard everything.
The Fighting Panhandler was wandering around drunk when General Rip Schrader spotted him. Believing the Panhandler to be some kind of alien being, Schrader invited the mascot to his aircraft carrier. Having lulled it into a sense of security, Schrader ordered his men to fire the tranq-guns.
At the Crash Pad, Gwen was reading a pamphlet about her dilemma (“Gonorrhea: It’s No Clapping Matter”). Ms. Munsen-Meyer arrived to discuss Gwen’s future. Munsen-Meyer assured Gwen that her STD was curable and wouldn’t be held against her…but if Gwen ever wanted to get into a good school, she needed to give up her 27-year-old punk-rocker boyfriend.
In the hallway, Owen Tasker declared his love to Sterling Schremerhorn. She pointed out that “love” doesn’t mean making fake photos of her in compromising positions and then showing them to her dying ex-boyfriend, Lewis von Kemia.
Todd Schrader was walking home when he encountered the Fighting Panhandler, now transformed into a living killing-machine by the US military. Todd was helpless against the Panhandler, but was saved when Miller burst in and put on the One Ring. Unable to see Miller, Todd gasped in awe as the invisible opponent quickly vanquished the Panhandler.
NEXT WEEK: Miller asks Ms. Munsen-Meyer for help.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Season 8, Episode 2: Officially the Worst Day
Episode 2: Officially the Worst Day
Lewis von Kemia met Joe Luderman in the hall and asked Joe if he could have his old locker (which had been reassigned to Joe) back. Joe opened the locker and discovered that everything in it had been cleared out. They were both appalled by this invasion of privacy, and suspected that custodian Mr. Cook was to blame.
Sterling Schremerhorn complained to Mr. Huggins about his failing her last art project, a Polaroid collage of other students naked in the girls’ locker room.
Assistant Coach Damon was in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, pleading his case for a promotion to Coach. As he talked, his natural pheromones started to affect her, and she struggled to resist temptation.
Gwendolyn Pinchot and Miller were spending study hall in Miller’s van, sharing some “weedshroom” brownies. After some small talk, they had sex (or at least attempted to).
Mr. Huggins and Assistant Coach Damon were eating in the cafeteria and discussing their respective jobs. Damon pointed out the similarities between athletics and the arts, comparing dodgeball to a ballet. Huggins struggled to contain himself during Damon’s double-entendre-filled discourse about balls.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer brought the students together for a special lecture, in which she revealed that one of the students was pregnant, though she wasn’t naming names. Joe Luderman asked to be excused, since he knew it wasn’t him.
Lewis von Kemia ran into Gwen in the hallway. They both found each other’s new appearance to be incredibly hot. As they tried to have a heartfelt conversation, the Fighting Panhandler wandered by and started begging for change. Gwen slugged the Panhandler, and the Panhandler retaliated by snatching Lewis’ walker. Lewis tried to make the Panhandler face up to whatever inner turmoil made him lash out.
LEWIS: “You don’t have to fight. You don’t have to be rich. You just have to BE. Now fuck off, I’m talking to Gwendolyn!”
Joe was at his first day on the job at the Crash Pad when Miller came in with a case of the munchies. Unfortunately, since Gwen hadn’t told him where anything was, all Joe could offer was salt and pepper. Joe suggested that Miller could make the place better by coming on board as a cook, but Miller couldn’t figure out how to cook without food. Nevertheless, Miller took the job.
Gwen came to Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office to start work as her assistant/filer. Munsen-Meyer sat Gwen down and started to talk about Gwen’s appearance. Gwen was furious that Munsen-Meyer was judging her look, but Munsen-Meyer explained that she was only pointing out how much they had in common. Munsen-Meyer explained that, twenty years ago, she was just like Gwen (coming to school in a “Welcome Back Kotter” T-shirt). Gwen didn’t want to be like Munsen-Meyer in twenty years. Suddenly, Lewis von Kemia entered, asking for his old filer position back. Lewis took Gwen into the privacy of his walker, and they each offered to step aside and let the other have the job.
Joe Luderman was by the lockers, looking for evidence of drugs. Suddenly, overachiever student Owen Tasker arrived, wearing only a scarf and black bikini briefs. (Sterling rushed in and snapped a picture of Owen for her art project.) Owen explained that he was forming a skin-diving club, on top of being the head of the chess club, football team, word-game club, and Cancer Society. Owen confessed that all his activities were conflicting with each other, and asked Joe to fill in for him at football practice.
Mr. Huggins was straightening up after art class when Miller arrived and asked if he could make up for his “F.” Huggins gave him a pop quiz, and was astounded by how knowledgeable Miller really was. (“You have the equivalent of a master’s degree in your head!”) Huggins asked Miller if he would create a sculpture for the front of the school.
At the Crash Pad, Sterling Schremerhorn was gossiping with Owen Tasker about Gwen’s sister being a carny. Gwen revealed that she’d been behind the counter the whole time, and had heard everything. Gwen said that she’d thought Sterling was her friend, when she was really just an asshole. Owen proposed that they start an Asshole Club.
Assistant Coach Damon was talking to Lewis von Kemia, expressing his admiration for Lewis’ courage. Lewis used his walker to block Damon’s dodgeball, so Damon offered him a position as goalie. Suddenly, Lewis remembered that he needed a kidney transplant within the next 5 hours, so they set out to look for somebody with an extra kidney. Just then, Joe stopped by and asked if they’d seen his “3-kidney pills.”
Sterling Schremerhorn was taking a driver’s ed lesson, taught by the Fighting Panhandler. As they shared some Boone’s Farm and continued the driving lesson, Sterling suddenly ran over Lewis von Kemia.
Mr. Huggins was watching “Spartacus” at home when Ms. Munsen-Meyer paid him a surprise visit to make an important confession.
MUNSEN-MEYER: “I’ve put something of somebody else’s inside my special place.”
HUGGINS: “Okay, you could be talking about your filing cabinet, but I don’t think so.”
At the Crash Pad, Gwendolyn told Joe that he shouldn’t have hired Miller, since things were very awkward between them. In turn, Joe replied that she should have shown him the ropes before leaving him alone on the job. Gwen complained that this was officially the worst day of her life, when Miller, Sterling, and the Panhandler walked in…making it even worse.
NEXT WEEK: Assistant Coach Damon vows to repair Lewis’ broken body.
Lewis von Kemia met Joe Luderman in the hall and asked Joe if he could have his old locker (which had been reassigned to Joe) back. Joe opened the locker and discovered that everything in it had been cleared out. They were both appalled by this invasion of privacy, and suspected that custodian Mr. Cook was to blame.
Sterling Schremerhorn complained to Mr. Huggins about his failing her last art project, a Polaroid collage of other students naked in the girls’ locker room.
Assistant Coach Damon was in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, pleading his case for a promotion to Coach. As he talked, his natural pheromones started to affect her, and she struggled to resist temptation.
Gwendolyn Pinchot and Miller were spending study hall in Miller’s van, sharing some “weedshroom” brownies. After some small talk, they had sex (or at least attempted to).
Mr. Huggins and Assistant Coach Damon were eating in the cafeteria and discussing their respective jobs. Damon pointed out the similarities between athletics and the arts, comparing dodgeball to a ballet. Huggins struggled to contain himself during Damon’s double-entendre-filled discourse about balls.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer brought the students together for a special lecture, in which she revealed that one of the students was pregnant, though she wasn’t naming names. Joe Luderman asked to be excused, since he knew it wasn’t him.
Lewis von Kemia ran into Gwen in the hallway. They both found each other’s new appearance to be incredibly hot. As they tried to have a heartfelt conversation, the Fighting Panhandler wandered by and started begging for change. Gwen slugged the Panhandler, and the Panhandler retaliated by snatching Lewis’ walker. Lewis tried to make the Panhandler face up to whatever inner turmoil made him lash out.
LEWIS: “You don’t have to fight. You don’t have to be rich. You just have to BE. Now fuck off, I’m talking to Gwendolyn!”
Joe was at his first day on the job at the Crash Pad when Miller came in with a case of the munchies. Unfortunately, since Gwen hadn’t told him where anything was, all Joe could offer was salt and pepper. Joe suggested that Miller could make the place better by coming on board as a cook, but Miller couldn’t figure out how to cook without food. Nevertheless, Miller took the job.
Gwen came to Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office to start work as her assistant/filer. Munsen-Meyer sat Gwen down and started to talk about Gwen’s appearance. Gwen was furious that Munsen-Meyer was judging her look, but Munsen-Meyer explained that she was only pointing out how much they had in common. Munsen-Meyer explained that, twenty years ago, she was just like Gwen (coming to school in a “Welcome Back Kotter” T-shirt). Gwen didn’t want to be like Munsen-Meyer in twenty years. Suddenly, Lewis von Kemia entered, asking for his old filer position back. Lewis took Gwen into the privacy of his walker, and they each offered to step aside and let the other have the job.
Joe Luderman was by the lockers, looking for evidence of drugs. Suddenly, overachiever student Owen Tasker arrived, wearing only a scarf and black bikini briefs. (Sterling rushed in and snapped a picture of Owen for her art project.) Owen explained that he was forming a skin-diving club, on top of being the head of the chess club, football team, word-game club, and Cancer Society. Owen confessed that all his activities were conflicting with each other, and asked Joe to fill in for him at football practice.
Mr. Huggins was straightening up after art class when Miller arrived and asked if he could make up for his “F.” Huggins gave him a pop quiz, and was astounded by how knowledgeable Miller really was. (“You have the equivalent of a master’s degree in your head!”) Huggins asked Miller if he would create a sculpture for the front of the school.
At the Crash Pad, Sterling Schremerhorn was gossiping with Owen Tasker about Gwen’s sister being a carny. Gwen revealed that she’d been behind the counter the whole time, and had heard everything. Gwen said that she’d thought Sterling was her friend, when she was really just an asshole. Owen proposed that they start an Asshole Club.
Assistant Coach Damon was talking to Lewis von Kemia, expressing his admiration for Lewis’ courage. Lewis used his walker to block Damon’s dodgeball, so Damon offered him a position as goalie. Suddenly, Lewis remembered that he needed a kidney transplant within the next 5 hours, so they set out to look for somebody with an extra kidney. Just then, Joe stopped by and asked if they’d seen his “3-kidney pills.”
Sterling Schremerhorn was taking a driver’s ed lesson, taught by the Fighting Panhandler. As they shared some Boone’s Farm and continued the driving lesson, Sterling suddenly ran over Lewis von Kemia.
Mr. Huggins was watching “Spartacus” at home when Ms. Munsen-Meyer paid him a surprise visit to make an important confession.
MUNSEN-MEYER: “I’ve put something of somebody else’s inside my special place.”
HUGGINS: “Okay, you could be talking about your filing cabinet, but I don’t think so.”
At the Crash Pad, Gwendolyn told Joe that he shouldn’t have hired Miller, since things were very awkward between them. In turn, Joe replied that she should have shown him the ropes before leaving him alone on the job. Gwen complained that this was officially the worst day of her life, when Miller, Sterling, and the Panhandler walked in…making it even worse.
NEXT WEEK: Assistant Coach Damon vows to repair Lewis’ broken body.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Season 8, Episode 1: Back to School
A new season, a new setting: SCANDAL! now goes to high school!
Episode 1: Back to School
Our story begins outside Little Five Points High on the first day of school, where the popular cheerleader Sterling Schremerhorn ran into her best friend, Gwendolyn Pinchot, and was taken aback by Gwen’s new punk look. Gwen told Sterling that they couldn’t be seen together, since it would be bad for her new image…but they could still be friends secretly.
Art teacher Randy Huggins asked new student Joe Luderman to stay after class. Mr. Huggins had sensed that Joe was holding in some secret inner turmoil, and reassured Joe that he could confide in him. However, since Joe’s inner secret was that he’s really an undercover cop sent to infiltrate the school’s drug trade, he couldn’t confide in anybody.
Guidance counselor Ms. Munsen-Meyer was going through some files when Miller, the school stoner, arrived for his 10:30 appointment. She explained how proud she was of him for reaching his senior year after only 8 years. She warned him that there were some people in the school that still wanted to hold him back.
Assistant Coach Carl Damon and custodian Mr. Cook were hanging out by the lockers, discussing their suspicions about the new kid, Joe Luderman. Damon worried that Joe was on the marijuana, so when Joe stopped by his locker, Mr. Cook tried to lull him into a false sense of security by assuring Joe that he could store & distribute anything in his locker with complete privacy. Joe thought that Cook was trying to make a business deal.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was at her after-school job at the local coffee shop The Crash Pad when Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered. Gwendolyn asked if she could help out in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office after school, and Munsen-Meyer eagerly accepted. As a show of good faith, Gwen offered to cover up the obscenities on her T-shirt when she’s in the office.
Miller was asleep in art class when Mr. Huggins woke him up and gave him an F. Miller defended himself by explaining that he was dreaming about art, and we saw the dream with Miller as Picasso, painting and smoking a chorus line of dancing joints. Huggins would not budge on the F, explaining that he doesn’t believe in rubber-stamping students just to move them along. If Miller wants a passing grade, he’ll have to earn it.
In the auditorium, Assistant Coach Damon and Sterling Schremerhorn were leading a pep rally for the lacrosse team. Suddenly, the school mascot, the Fighting Panhandler, arrived and wandered into the audience, begging for change. Damon explained that this was how they raised money for the school’s woefully-underfunded athletic programs.
STERLING: “I’m the cheerleader AND the team! Please give money!”
After the pep rally, Damon took the Fighting Panhandler aside to offer some tips on his begging technique. The Panhandler showed off his new moves, proving that he doesn’t need any advice. Upset by the Panhandler’s snub, Damon threw his dodgeball at the Panhandler. Damon was stunned that the Panhandler could survive a direct hit without injury, and was left to wonder who was inside the costume.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Cook were in her office, discussing cleaning techniques. They were surprised by the unexpected arrival of Munsen-Meyer’s star assistant from last year, Lewis von Kemia, who had just left the hospital and was ready to start school again. Lewis told her that, during his coma, the only thing that gave him the will to live was his deep subconscious need to file.
At the Crash Pad, Gwendolyn was tallying up the day’s receipts when Joe Luderman entered, looking for a job. Sterling Schremerhorn arrived and invited Joe to her birthday party. (“Gwendolyn, I would invite you, but we’re ‘not friends,’ wink-wink.”) Sterling asked if she could hire Gwen’s boyfriend’s band, The Dead Bunnies, to play at the party. Sterling told Joe that Miller would be providing the Coors and “party favors,” whatever that meant. After Sterling left, Joe asked Gwen if she knew anything about the drug traffic in the school. Joe explained that he thought Mr. Cook was trying to recruit him as a dealer. Gwen remembered that Cook once got her into a pyramid scheme selling moisturizer, so she wouldn’t put it past him.
Mr. Huggins was alone in his classroom, grading the students’ self-portrait kites, when his former star pupil Lewis von Kemia arrived. Huggins was thrilled to see Lewis again, and expressed his admiration for Lewis keeping his sense of humor in the face of his life-threatening illness. (“Well, if you can’t laugh at it, it just kills you.”) Suddenly, Sterling Schremerhorn entered and was startled to see her old boyfriend Lewis, now devoid of his former flowing golden tresses. They hugged, but she was reluctant to return his embrace. She explained that her hesitation wasn’t due to his changed appearance, but because she was afraid of hurting him. Lewis and Sterling had a musical montage/flashback to happier times, culminating in Lewis kicking the shit out of Miller.
Mr. Cook was eyeing Joe’s locker when Miller arrived and offered Cook some 9-year-old daiquiri mix. Cook started to explain his suspicions about Joe, when the Fighting Panhandler wandered by and started hassling Miller for change. A scuffle ensued.
Assistant Coach Damon was eating his Hot Pockets in the cafeteria when Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered. She told him how much she admired his struggling to get by on his experience in the real world, without the benefit of her Ivy League education. Then she broke the bad news that his application to become a full-fledged Coach had been declined, even though the Coach position was vacant. Damon angrily complained about his workload, holding down five jobs and enduring a hellish commute to make ends meet, and the strain it was putting on his marriage…not to mention his medical condition of priapism (look it up). As Damon ranted, Munsen-Meyer held up her hand to silence him. Suddenly, Damon touched his palm to hers.
NEXT WEEK: Lewis delivers the good news to Gwendolyn.
Episode 1: Back to School
Our story begins outside Little Five Points High on the first day of school, where the popular cheerleader Sterling Schremerhorn ran into her best friend, Gwendolyn Pinchot, and was taken aback by Gwen’s new punk look. Gwen told Sterling that they couldn’t be seen together, since it would be bad for her new image…but they could still be friends secretly.
Art teacher Randy Huggins asked new student Joe Luderman to stay after class. Mr. Huggins had sensed that Joe was holding in some secret inner turmoil, and reassured Joe that he could confide in him. However, since Joe’s inner secret was that he’s really an undercover cop sent to infiltrate the school’s drug trade, he couldn’t confide in anybody.
Guidance counselor Ms. Munsen-Meyer was going through some files when Miller, the school stoner, arrived for his 10:30 appointment. She explained how proud she was of him for reaching his senior year after only 8 years. She warned him that there were some people in the school that still wanted to hold him back.
Assistant Coach Carl Damon and custodian Mr. Cook were hanging out by the lockers, discussing their suspicions about the new kid, Joe Luderman. Damon worried that Joe was on the marijuana, so when Joe stopped by his locker, Mr. Cook tried to lull him into a false sense of security by assuring Joe that he could store & distribute anything in his locker with complete privacy. Joe thought that Cook was trying to make a business deal.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was at her after-school job at the local coffee shop The Crash Pad when Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered. Gwendolyn asked if she could help out in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office after school, and Munsen-Meyer eagerly accepted. As a show of good faith, Gwen offered to cover up the obscenities on her T-shirt when she’s in the office.
Miller was asleep in art class when Mr. Huggins woke him up and gave him an F. Miller defended himself by explaining that he was dreaming about art, and we saw the dream with Miller as Picasso, painting and smoking a chorus line of dancing joints. Huggins would not budge on the F, explaining that he doesn’t believe in rubber-stamping students just to move them along. If Miller wants a passing grade, he’ll have to earn it.
In the auditorium, Assistant Coach Damon and Sterling Schremerhorn were leading a pep rally for the lacrosse team. Suddenly, the school mascot, the Fighting Panhandler, arrived and wandered into the audience, begging for change. Damon explained that this was how they raised money for the school’s woefully-underfunded athletic programs.
STERLING: “I’m the cheerleader AND the team! Please give money!”
After the pep rally, Damon took the Fighting Panhandler aside to offer some tips on his begging technique. The Panhandler showed off his new moves, proving that he doesn’t need any advice. Upset by the Panhandler’s snub, Damon threw his dodgeball at the Panhandler. Damon was stunned that the Panhandler could survive a direct hit without injury, and was left to wonder who was inside the costume.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Mr. Cook were in her office, discussing cleaning techniques. They were surprised by the unexpected arrival of Munsen-Meyer’s star assistant from last year, Lewis von Kemia, who had just left the hospital and was ready to start school again. Lewis told her that, during his coma, the only thing that gave him the will to live was his deep subconscious need to file.
At the Crash Pad, Gwendolyn was tallying up the day’s receipts when Joe Luderman entered, looking for a job. Sterling Schremerhorn arrived and invited Joe to her birthday party. (“Gwendolyn, I would invite you, but we’re ‘not friends,’ wink-wink.”) Sterling asked if she could hire Gwen’s boyfriend’s band, The Dead Bunnies, to play at the party. Sterling told Joe that Miller would be providing the Coors and “party favors,” whatever that meant. After Sterling left, Joe asked Gwen if she knew anything about the drug traffic in the school. Joe explained that he thought Mr. Cook was trying to recruit him as a dealer. Gwen remembered that Cook once got her into a pyramid scheme selling moisturizer, so she wouldn’t put it past him.
Mr. Huggins was alone in his classroom, grading the students’ self-portrait kites, when his former star pupil Lewis von Kemia arrived. Huggins was thrilled to see Lewis again, and expressed his admiration for Lewis keeping his sense of humor in the face of his life-threatening illness. (“Well, if you can’t laugh at it, it just kills you.”) Suddenly, Sterling Schremerhorn entered and was startled to see her old boyfriend Lewis, now devoid of his former flowing golden tresses. They hugged, but she was reluctant to return his embrace. She explained that her hesitation wasn’t due to his changed appearance, but because she was afraid of hurting him. Lewis and Sterling had a musical montage/flashback to happier times, culminating in Lewis kicking the shit out of Miller.
Mr. Cook was eyeing Joe’s locker when Miller arrived and offered Cook some 9-year-old daiquiri mix. Cook started to explain his suspicions about Joe, when the Fighting Panhandler wandered by and started hassling Miller for change. A scuffle ensued.
Assistant Coach Damon was eating his Hot Pockets in the cafeteria when Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered. She told him how much she admired his struggling to get by on his experience in the real world, without the benefit of her Ivy League education. Then she broke the bad news that his application to become a full-fledged Coach had been declined, even though the Coach position was vacant. Damon angrily complained about his workload, holding down five jobs and enduring a hellish commute to make ends meet, and the strain it was putting on his marriage…not to mention his medical condition of priapism (look it up). As Damon ranted, Munsen-Meyer held up her hand to silence him. Suddenly, Damon touched his palm to hers.
NEXT WEEK: Lewis delivers the good news to Gwendolyn.
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