Season 15, Episode 8: Exterminate!

Episode 8: Exterminate!

Michael Cash called in the exterminator Francis Pinsky with a two-part job…first, he wanted Francis to kill the rat, Refuse V. Torvelson. The second pest he wanted eliminated…Perry Fippler.

In the catacombs underneath the restaurant, Refuse was tracking Nipsey’s distinctive scent (coconut and Febreze) when he got caught in a glue trap. He realized he would have to gnaw his leg off to escape.

At the hostess stand, Perry was talking with the new waitress Cece Rondino, flirting in geek-speak. Cece explained that she was treating her job like a videogame, doing her best to collect XP and level up. Perry replied that he hoped they could level up his penis later that night. In the shadows, Nipsey saw the whole thing.

Santiago and Lois were going over their getaway plan. Santiago revealed that he had always dreamed of going to Mount Kilimanjaro, just like in the Toto song. He informed Lois that once they escaped, they would be hunted down…the only way to keep the authorities from coming after her would be to fake her own death. However, Lois revealed that she was having second thoughts…now that W.T. Friday’s had gotten a new rolling salad bar, she was thinking of staying. Santiago said she would have to choose between him and the salad bar. She asked for ten minutes to decide.

Nipsey was sleeping, having Poe-like nightmares from her guilt over abandoning Pat Anderson in the catacombs. Refuse V. Torvelson found her and woke her up by nibbling on her feet. Refuse informed her that her father was trapped underground. Nipsey remembered all the hints Pat had dropped and realized that Pat was her father. She bandaged up Refuse’s leg and set off with him to find Pat, following the trail Refuse had left with his own droppings.

Meanwhile, Francis Pinsky was following the trail himself, when he found the Professor. Putting a knife to the Professor’s throat, he growled that he was looking for a rat. The Professor admitted that he had seen Refuse, but warned that he believed the rat had AIDS. Francis revealed that he himself had developed Rat-AIDS in the 1980s as a weapon to wipe out rodents…he’d taken the virus and dumbed it down to rat level. Francis asked the Professor what he was willing to do for $5. The Professor assumed he was talking about sex.

Pat Anderson was wandering through the catacombs when he got caught in a glue trap. He was just about to start gnawing his arm off when Nipsey and Refuse found him. Nipsey confessed that she knew he was her father, and he asked her forgiveness for not being there for her. Above them, Francis sprayed his Rat-AIDS gas through the manhole. As the gas flooded the catacombs, the trio attempted to escape. Realizing that one of them would have to stay behind, Refuse told Pat and Nipsey to save themselves…he would sacrifice himself for them.

Lois went to Michael’s office and found Perry there. She explained that she’d come to give Michael her two weeks’ notice. Changing the subject (as he usually did), Perry revealed that Chief Barto’s ghost had informed him that Nipsey was still alive. Stunned by this news, Lois decided to stay on for Nipsey’s sake. However, Perry told her that her resignation was now in the system and it was too late to take it back.

Santiago and Michael met secretly, as they were still “Silencio Brothers” over their mutual guilt in Sam Friday’s death. Santiago gave Michael his two weeks’ notice, infuriating Michael. (“Do you know how hard it’s going to be to find someone I can manipulate as easily as you?”) Santiago declared that, despite Michael’s threats, he was still determined to leave with Lois and the rolling salad bar.

Francis Pinsky came to Michael’s office to collect half his fee, explaining that he’d infected Refuse with Rat-AIDS. Michael protested that he wanted the rat dead NOW, not years from now…and he wanted to see the body as proof. Francis warned that this would cost extra…TWO DOLLARS extra.

Cece was going over her side-work when Nipsey came in and started throwing things around. Cece and Nipsey confronted each other over their longtime rivalry, as they’d ruined each others’ lives in high school. (“It was YOUR decision to have sex with the football captain on the field, Cece…I just told everybody to watch.”) When Nipsey accused Cece of stealing Perry from her, Cece countered that Nipsey had never wanted him in the first place. Nipsey warned Cece that if she took Perry, she’d better be prepared to take her baby as well…Nipsey was planning to abandon it with Perry and Cece.

Francis went underground to search for Refuse, finding the rat weakened but furious. (“You gave me Rat-AIDS! I have a terrible HMO!”) Taking hold of Refuse, Francis asked the rat what his greatest accomplishment was. Refuse reminisced about the time he found a delicious half-rack of ribs behind a Chili’s. Drawing a knife, Francis told Refuse to focus on that happy feeling. As Refuse tearfully broke into the baby-back ribs song, Francis slit the rat’s throat and then stabbed him viciously.

Perry and Santiago were sitting on the roof, trying to burst clouds with their minds. Perry pointed out one that looked like a rat; as he destroyed it, he remarked “I feel like an entire audience is booing me.” Perry then gave Santiago a membership card to his Best Friends Club, explaining that he was one of the only people Perry could talk to…especially since he saw Santiago kill Nipsey’s mother.

The Professor ran into Francis Pinsky, who now had Refuse’s body strapped to his belt. (“You are one scary fuck!”) Francis asked the Professor where Perry was, explaining that he was asking because old black men know everything, just like Morgan Freeman in that prison movie. The Professor was offended by the stereotype, but replied that he DID know that Perry could usually be found in Michael’s office. Realizing that Francis was going to kill Perry, the Professor was struck by a Vietnam flashback. The rush of killing came over him, and he asked if he could come along.

Pat Anderson returned to W.T. Friday’s and settled in at his old table. Lois came by with the rolling salad bar and fed him every vegetable they had, presenting them over-dramatically because it may be the last salad she ever serves. She explained that she was going away, though she couldn’t tell him where. Pat protested that if she left, he would lose his touchstone at the restaurant.

Lured by a note supposedly written by Cece, Perry entered an old shack where Francis Pinsky was waiting. Francis asked Perry about his greatest accomplishment, and Perry replied that he hadn’t done it yet. As Francis drew his knife, Perry realized what was happening, then started rambling about Death coming to get him like in those Final Destination movies. Francis pointed out that in those movies, Death always wins…then Francis stabbed him. Barely reacting, Perry asked who had hired Francis. Francis informed him that it had been Michael, then stabbed Perry yet again. Still not reacting (“Seriously, how are you not falling down?”), Perry answered his cell phone. After taking the call, Perry remarked “It’s my heart…it’s just given its two weeks’ notice.” Then Perry collapsed.

Meanwhile, Francis’ exterminating chemicals seeped through the sewers and combined with the sulfur in the soil. The compound made its way down to the swamp where it soaked into a long-forgotten body that had been dumped there…the body of Sam Friday. The abandoned corpse convulsed and revived, declaring “I’m back, Michael Cash…and I can’t wait to see you!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 15, Episode 6: Martial Lawlessness

Episode 6: Martial Lawlessness

Michael Cash, out of his coma, was sitting in his office when Nipsey came in. Michael explained that he was still incredibly weak…his body is falling apart, just like the restaurant. Nipsey informed him that, while he was incapacitated, none of the employees had been paid; Michael explained that he was too weak to lift a pen to sign the checks. He asked Nipsey to move his arm for him and sort-of forge his signature.

Perry Fippler was checking out the new skee-ball lanes for the upcoming tournament when Chief Barto declared that he had important news. Perry made a number of bizarre guesses before the frustrated Barto revealed that he was placing the restaurant under martial law. Barto locked the doors and informed Perry that he was now a Junior Deputy. Perry gratefully returned the favor by admitting Barto into his “Best Friends Club.”

Santiago was in prison (a women’s prison, actually) for killing Nipsey’s mother Caroline. Lois came to visit him, informing him that she’d made her way there by killing a truck driver and stealing his truck. Santiago observed that she probably shouldn’t be confessing to murder in front of the guards.

The Professor and Pat Anderson were trying to come up with team names for the skee-ball tournament, without much luck. The Professor suddenly realized that the upcoming Alley Rally would be coming through his alley “home,” setting off a Vietnam flashback.

As Lois helped Michael tie his necktie, he confronted her about the awful job she’d done while she was in charge of the restaurant. (Hot wings at the salad bar? Really?) Lois retorted that Michael should be grateful to her…she had brought him out of his coma by placing her baby in his body. Michael pointed out that this was a pretty half-assed miracle cure, since he still couldn’t move. Lois suggested that they hide his infirmity by using his desk as a wheelchair.

Chief Barto had transferred Santiago to the restaurant (since it was now pretty much a prison itself). He offered Santiago a chance to be his Senior Deputy, informing him that he’d be granted posthumous citizenship if he’s killed in the line of duty. Santiago eagerly accepted. Barto gave Santiago a gun and instructed him to shoot any patrons who try to come in.

At the salad bar, Nipsey told Perry that she couldn’t stand being cooped up in the restaurant (especially if it meant having to listen to Perry’s endless nonsensical ramblings). Perry resolved to end the martial law by finding out who killed Sam Friday (assuming that’s the reason for the lockdown).

Chief Barto assembled the restaurant staff to explain the reasons for his drastic action. Lois interrupted to explain that she needed to be set free before her cyst blows up. Barto was disgusted, but still refused to let her go. He resumed his explanation, pointing out that nobody was concerned about the many illegal acts that had occurred at the restaurant (Sam’s disappearance, several cut brake lines, a baby being bitten in half), and SOMETHING had to be done. Pat chided Barto for being so caught up in the past. Just then, the mayor called Barto on the yellow telephone and informed him that he was fired.

Later, the Professor was having a hobo-bath in the dishwashing station, explaining to Santiago that he was enjoying the martial law since it was keeping him indoors. Santiago worried that Barto had overstepped his bounds and made himself a target. Santiago resolved to protect Barto, even if it meant killing the mayor. The Professor replied that, if there’s any killing to be done, he’d be the best one to do it. Santiago handed over the gun.

Making the best out of a bad situation, Pat Anderson was passing the time by showing his photo albums to Lois. Lois was amazed by how handsome Pat had been in his youth, remarking that he looked like Andy Garcia. Pat launched into a lengthy monologue about Andy Garcia’s career…somehow segueing into a complaint about how Fran Tarkenton was underappreciated.

Mad with power, Chief Barto had tied Nipsey to a chair in the basement. He asked her to help him restore order to the restaurant, and she agreed.

BARTO: “Do you mean it, or are you just saying it so I won’t hit you?”
NIPSEY: “Both.”
BARTO: “I’ll accept that.”

Santiago met Perry in the poolroom. As they played, Santiago explained that the National Guard was going to kill Barto, and they needed to stop them. He asked Perry to go out and reason with the National Guard. When Perry asked what he should say, Santiago instructed him to “just do your thing.”

In the basement, Nipsey was still tied to the chair, but now Pat was tied up to another chair back-to-back with her…with a ticking time bomb at their feet. Faced with imminent death, Nipsey told Pat how much she’d always enjoyed his visits, and wished she’d told him sooner. Pat told her that she had a beautiful soul, declaring “You’re my Fran Tarkenton.”

Chief Barto now had Lois tied up, and was forcing her to watch footage of monkeys being loaded onto trucks. As he poked at her cyst (“Is that a parasitic twin?”), Lois declared that he’d become just as bad as her.

LOIS: “Look at yourself! Who’s the criminal now?”
BARTO: “Um, it’s still you.”

Michael crawled in and attempted to bring Barto back to his senses by singing the birthday song. Instead, the song just strengthened Barto’s resolve to save the restaurant from itself. Just then, the Professor arrived and declared that he had come to repay the favor that he owes Barto. Pulling out the gun, the Professor told Barto he was offering him the greatest favor of all…the chance to redeem himself. Barto responded by walking right up to the gun. The Professor fired.

The next day, Santiago and Perry were playing skee-ball and reflecting how thing had turned out. Perry had ended the siege by going out and talking about the PowerPuff Girls until the National Guard left in frustration. Perry was saddened by Barto’s death, but claimed that the Junior Deputy/Best Friend Club bond couldn’t be broken…he could call up Barto’s ghost at any time. Just then, they heard an explosion from the basement, and realized they’d forgotten all about Nipsey and Pat being tied up with the bomb.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 12: Everybody Dies

Episode 12: Everybody Dies

Reggie Bunkler’s wife, Babs Bunkler, came into Reggie’s office…where Reggie’s dead body had been lying ever since Sasha killed him two episodes ago. Babs reflected on their life together, and how Reggie had spent all her money on this circus to fulfill his family’s dreams. Now, she was going to live HER dream by selling the circus and turning it into expensive lofts.

Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm and Viktoria Busliftor were relaxing in the spa and contemplating the future of the circus. Viktoria proposed that they could break off from the Bunkler Brothers and form their own circus, if they could get Sasha to join them as their star. Viktoria worried that Gunther could never tame Sasha’s ego, but Gunther replied “It’s the challenge that makes it so challenging.”

Truck Tarkenton and Sasha were shopping for flowers for Reggie’s funeral, as Sasha reflected on the feeling of power it gave her to take Reggie’s life. Truck led her into Reggie’s office so she could make her peace with him. (“Don’t do anything weird…but if you do, there’s a webcam right there.”) Left alone with Reggie’s body, she confessed her attraction to him.

Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions and Sealman Rushdie were planning a tribute act for Reggie—Robbie would jump his bike over Reggie’s flaming body as he’s being cremated. Robbie reflected on how he’d never liked Reggie, but his death put those feelings in perspective. He then contemplated the finality of death, saying how ridiculous it would be if Reggie suddenly came back to life. Sealman said that if that happened, he would kill Reggie all over again.

Michel Jacquesonne was showing Babs around the circus and telling her how much he missed Reggie. (“That man treated me like an employee. My own parents didn’t treat me like an employee.”) Babs asked him exactly what happened to Reggie. After going on and on about his own problems, Michel finally told her that Sasha had twisted Reggie’s neck until it clicked.

Viktoria invited Sasha to join their new circus, but Sasha didn’t see any difference between working at either circus. Viktoria then said that she didn’t really have much of a choice…they’d already taken most of the Bunkler Brothers’ equipment, so there wouldn’t be a circus left to go on anyway. Sasha warned Viktoria that she had killed before and would kill again. Viktoria offered to let her kill Gunther if she’d join their circus.

Truck was driving Deb to the doctor to check on her baby. He suggested that they could prove whether the baby was his or Stoolts’ by seeing whether it had stools for feet. As Deb pointed out that stool-feet weren’t a hereditary trait, Truck proposed that they could check for themselves by cutting her open. Deb suggested an ultrasound instead, but Truck didn’t believe in them. (“That’s CGI, it’s not real.”) Stopping the truck in the woods, Truck led Deb to a cabin to reveal…the REAL Reggie Bunkler’s body! When Deb asked about the body in the office, Truck explained that the other body was CGI. She suggested that they could use the fake body for a ventriloquist act. Pleased by the idea, Truck told her he’d put off cutting her open until they saw how the new act goes over. Deb pleaded with him not to cut her open at all, and they came to an agreement: She promised not to let Stoolts near the baby, and Truck promised not to slice her open.

Robbie, Sealman, and Gunther dragged the fake Reggie’s body out of the office to practice Robbie’s jump. As they did so, Robbie pulled down Reggie’s pants to make him more aerodynamic for the stunt.

GUNTHER: “Everybody says I’m gay, and I’d like to point out that you two are the ones undressing a dead man.”

Babs went out to the cabin to visit her husband’s real body. She gloated that she’d substituted the CGI robot a long time ago, and nobody had noticed the difference. Everything was going according to her plan. Just then, Gunther and Viktoria came through the woods, scouting for locations for their new circus. As Babs hid, Gunther and Viktoria discovered Reggie’s body, and were thoroughly confused.

Back at the circus, Deb was practicing her ventriloquist act with the CGI-robot Reggie’s body. Much to her surprise, the “dummy” began speaking on its own: “My wife is trying to destroy the circus! I’m in the woods!”

Sealman and Michel were planning their act, as Michel ranted about how he was molested by clowns his entire life. Sealman protested that his life had been saved by clowns…an elite band of military clowns who had rescued him from Japanese fishermen. Sealman urged Michel to find it in his heart to mime forgiveness, but after Michel went into sickening detail about what had been done to him, Sealman agreed that he should mime revenge instead.

Sasha came into Reggie’s office to visit his body, when Babs entered and revealed that it wasn’t the real Reggie. Babs demonstrated by running a program to make the CGI-robot move its arms and pat its head. Babs and Sasha then revealed the reason for their rivalry: They’re sisters. All their life, Sasha had been the talented one, while Babs was only good at giving blowjobs…so Babs had gotten rid of her sister by sending her to Bolivia, where Sasha was raised by acrobats. But fate had drawn them together once again, as Sasha had come to America and joined the Bunkler Brothers Circus, not knowing its connection to her long-lost sister. After explaining their backstory, Babs began strangling Sasha with a scarf (knocking off Sasha’s wig in the process).

Truck and Robbie were watching porn on the internet when they stumbled across some of the circus’ security-camera footage. Playing the video, they saw Sealman performing for Reggie to distract him, as Viktoria (while she was still “Viktor”) snuck up from behind and snapped Reggie’s neck. Checking the date on the footage, they realized that the real Reggie had been dead for months, and they’d been working with a robot all along. They suspected that Michael Bay was somehow responsible.

The dewigged Sasha managed to crawl to Deb’s trailer, where she explained her family history to Deb. She revealed that Babs had gone mad with jealousy after discovering that Sasha was part of the circus that Babs had married into. Deb agreed to help Sasha get her revenge.

Searching for clues in the woods, Gunther came across the murdered bodies of the real Sealman and Viktor, along with Sasha’s wig. Gunther wondered what kind of power it would take to kill someone as strong as Viktor, but despite the danger, he swore to find out who was responsible.

In her office, Babs Bunkler had gathered her CGI-robot minions: Reggie, Viktoria, and Sealman. She sent Reggie to fire all the performers. She then instructed Viktoria to remember the love she had for Sasha (back when Viktoria was still Viktor), and to turn that love to hate. After a moment of robotic confusion (“How do I remember love when I am ones and zeros?”), Viktoria went to to kill Sasha. Left alone with Sealman, Babs began flirting with the CGI-robot talking sea lion. (“I love it when you say big words.”)

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 10, Episode 11: Call It

Episode 11: Call It

Little Sammy Swanson’ father, Steven Swanson, arrived at the hospital, explaining that he’d just returned from his Disneyland vacation (courtesy of the Make-a-Wish Foundation) and had come to pick up his son’s remains and the insurance check. Rosie Jay informed him that not only was Sammy still alive, but that she had adopted him. Steven was puzzled as to how she could have done that, but he didn’t let his confusion or her obvious contempt stop him from coming on to her.

Nurse Barney Kabob was up on the roof, casing the bank across the street. When Head Nurse Yummy Wampler came up to do some cleaning, Barney confessed that he felt out of place in the hospital and was feeling the lure of his old criminal lifestyle. Yummy asked why he’d been in prison in the first place.

BARNEY: “You ever get filled with rage? Rage that makes you wrap your fingers around the living neck of another human being until it stops? You ever do that five times?”

Uncomfortable with the way Barney was looking at her, Yummy informed him that she’d lost her erogenous zones in a Girl Scout accident years before. She managed to talk Barney down and get him to face the cause of his problems: a lack of love from his mother. Barney broke down crying and asked Yummy to be his mom.

Dr. Corky Howser was examining Sammy Swanson, amazed that Sammy had managed to hold on for so long. Sammy informed him that he had accepted his impending death…but now that he’d reached puberty, he wanted to die a man and not a boy. Corky, being 15 and afflicted with Down’s Syndrome, didn’t know what he meant by that. Corky asked Sammy to explain the birds and the bees.

SAMMY: “Well, from what I learned from Cinemax, the boy comes over to repair the cable or some other major appliance…”

Attorney Wince Medler and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were playing a game of high-stakes poker, with Stern deep in the hole. As a piece of friendly advice, Wince explained Stern’s problem: He thinks out loud when he looks at his cards. As they continued the game, Wince informed Stern that he was representing 19 patients who suing the hospital after developing Legionnaire’s Disease. They set the stakes for the next hand: If Stern wins, Wince drops the lawsuit. If Wince wins, Stern steps down and appoints Wince the new CEO of the hospital. Naturally, Wince won the hand and the hospital…then, just when it looked like things couldn’t get any worse for Stern, he started showing the first symptoms of Legionnaire’s Disease.

Rosie Jay and Barney Kabob met in a restaurant to discuss their upcoming wedding, but the conversation turned ugly when Barney accused her of inappropriate behavior with Sammy. She retorted that he was only projecting his own fears and anger onto her, but this psychological talk went completely over his head. Rosie angrily broke off the engagement.

Steven Swanson was drinking at the hospital bar, the Rusty Scalpel, where Stern Boyer was serving the drinks. Steven informed Stern that he was planning to sue the hospital for keeping his son alive and denying Steven his insurance check. Just then, Sammy Swanson entered.

STEVEN: “What are you doing alive?”
SAMMY: “I could ask you the same question…but it wouldn’t make any sense.”

Sammy warned his father that he had prepared a letter for the Make-a-Wish Foundation, informing them of Steven’s fraud. He went on to explain that the insurance money would go to his new mother, Rosie Jay. Steven replied that he would challenge the adoption, since both he and Sammy’s morbidly obese mother were still alive.

In the supply room, Yummy Wampler was practicing her stand-up comedy routine, using an IV stand as an imaginary microphone. Little Sammy entered, and after a brief conversation, Sammy asked Yummy to take his virginity and make a man of him.

SAMMY: “You’re more of a woman than I’ve ever seen before.”
YUMMY: “Oh, you poor kid.”

Yummy warned Sammy that she had no erogenous zones, but with his lack of experience, she figured it wouldn’t make any difference.

Dr. Corky Howser was in his office, contemplating his domain as the hospital’s new Chief Surgeon. Just then, Wince Medler entered and informed Corky that he’d won control of the hospital from Stern Boyer. He announced that, as the new CEO, he was going to fire Corky…then, as an attorney, he would represent Corky and file a discrimination suit against the hospital.

Rosie Jay was out driving the ambulance when Stern Boyer jumped in front of it. After Rosie pulled him inside, Stern lamented that he’d lost the hospital in a poker game, and that he was dying of Legionnaire’s Disease. Rosie told him that Legionnaire’s Disease was easily treatable, but his gambling addiction was the problem he REALLY needed help with. Inspired by her street smarts and confident attitude, Stern put her in charge of the hospital (even though he no longer had the authority to do so).

Barney Kabob was in the chapel, asking God why He’d forsaken him. Just then, Steven Swanson entered and asked Barney to help him collect his insurance by getting rid of Sammy. Barney pointed out that the insurance policy only worked if Sammy died a natural death, but Steven countered that “natural things happen,” especially in such a crappy hospital. Feeling abandoned by God and tempted by Steven’s evil, Barney ripped off his shirt to reveal the devil-face gang tattoo on his chest. Steven realized that he and Barney were both fellow members of The Diablos.

Enjoying a post-coital snack of Teddy Grahams, Sammy noticed that Yummy had become quiet and withdrawn. She explained that she felt guilty and dirty, and informed him that it would never work out…he was terminally ill, and she’d probably go to prison where she’d become some other woman’s bitch. Her only consolation was that, since Sammy would die soon, nobody would ever know about their illegal encounter. Sammy informed her that he’d captured their moments of passion on his on-line journal and webcam.

Corky lamented the loss of his job to Barney (who was standing with his back towards Corky). When Barney turned around, Corky saw the devil tattoo on his chest and was stricken with fear. Realizing that Barney had gone over to the side of evil, Corky warned that he would stop Barney’s nefarious plans. They began wrestling.

Wince Medler was settling into his new office when Steven Swanson arrived and informed him he was suing the hospital. Gloating, Steven rubbed his crotch, and a loud “boo” filled the room. Steven explained the noise by revealing that he’d had his testicles replaced with See-and-Say toy parts 14 years ago. Wince pointed out that, since Sammy Swanson is only 13, that means Sammy couldn’t possibly be Steven’s son, which means he has no claim. Steven cursed that his plans had been foiled by his poor math skills. Just then, Corky ran through, screaming that a murderer was loose in the hospital. Barney burst in immediately afterwards and quickly knocked Corky unconscious. In the confusion, Steven picked up Corky’s toy hammer and lightly tapped Wince on the head, killing him instantly. Yes, you read that right…toy hammer, light tap, killed.

In the operating room, Barney had Corky tied facedown on a gurney and was preparing to give him an enema of Legionnaire’s Disease. However, before that could happen, Yummy burst in, carrying the dying (this time for sure) Sammy Swanson. She untied Corky and put Sammy onto the gurney so they could save him, but Sammy flatlined moments later. Corky managed to bring him back with mouth-to-mouth, just as Rosie Jay and Stern Boyer entered. Barney tried to sneak out of the room in the confusion, but was blocked when Steven Swanson arrived. Steven informed Barney that he’d receive his payment as soon as Sammy flatlined permanently. Yummy declared her love for Sammy and told everybody about their encounter, since it was already on the Internet anyway. Steven informed Sammy that, even though he was still just waiting to profit from his death, he was proud that his son had become a man. Suddenly, everybody realized what Sammy’s “manhood” meant.

BARNEY: “Wait a minute! You hired me to kill the kid. If he’s a man, the deal’s off.”
ROSIE: “And if he’s a man, you don’t get the money!”
YUMMY: “If he’s a man, I didn’t do anything illegal…three times.”
STERN: “If he’s a man…I’m still dying!”

Sammy presented his will: He left all his love to Rosie, and Yummy three times on Sunday. His genitals would go to Steven Swanson, to replace his toy testicles. The insurance money would go to Little Five Points Hospital so that it could become a REAL hospital.

ROSIE: “Oh, Sammy. You’ve changed everyone’s life.”
STERN: “Except mine. I don’t want to keep harping on it, but I’m still dying.”

With that, Stern Boyer died.

Atoning for his evil ways, Steven told Sammy the truth: He wasn’t Sammy’s real father. He found Sammy on the street as an infant, and brought him up as his own. Sammy grew up imitating Steven’s lisp, which meant that Sammy’s manner of speech was just conditioning and not the terminal speech impediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome. What’s more, Steven’s own lisp was just an act…he revealed his true accent and identity as Pablo Espanol, leader of the Diablo gang. Stunned by this revelation, Sammy pointed out that he still had a brain tumor, so he’d probably better just go ahead and die anyway. Steven and Barney decided to set out for a new life together in prison, leaving Sammy with a photo of his morbidly obese mother. (“Let this sight guide you into Heaven.”) The sight of the photo finally finished Sammy once and for all.

Left alone, Corky, Rosie and Yummy decided to go to the Little Varsity Jr. and raise a Frosted Orange in Sammy’s memory. As they walked out, Corky asked Rosie and Yummy what everybody meant by all this talk about Sammy becoming a man. Yummy offered to show him.

THE END

Season 9, Episode 6: Everybody Dies

Episode 6: Everybody Dies

Captain Flash Buckstar and Harmonica were preparing for the moonbase’s upcoming Fantasy Enchantment Parade. This had to be the biggest event of the season, outdoing even the Sandy Hawkins Dance on Uranus. As they discussed the plans, they found that they could no longer hide their feelings for one another, and they decided to meet later that night…privately.

In the shuttle, Gortex was carrying a passenger to the base: Blake Cherish, former kickboxing champion turned corporate surveyor for Peck Calhoun’s oil company. Blake explained that, now that Calhoun had bought the moon’s oil supply from the Hawk-People, he’d been sent to observe and evaluate the moonbase personnel. Gortex was more interested in Blake’s martial-arts prowess, and challenged him to unarmed combat.

While preparing the drinks for the big event, Prince Schmultan told Altair-9000 how much he respected Altair for his memory and abilities. Altair replied that nobody had ever expressed appreciation for him…they were usually too busy giving him orders and reprogramming him to kill. Schmultan offered him a Restraint Restrainer to stop him from being reprogrammed again, but told him he had to decide for himself whether to install it.

Harmonica greeted Johnny Forever, the entertainer hired for the Fantasy Enchantment Parade. She told him that he’d be sharing the bill with Altair, who would be showing off his pop-and-lock dance moves. Johnny exclaimed that he’d been looking for a pop-and-lock dancer for his own act.

Flash Buckstar was at the console when Blake Cherish entered for Buckstar’s evaluation. Blake observed that Buckstar had been stripped of command several times and was never actually reappointed. However, he offered Buckstar a chance to make himself useful in the parade by sitting in a cage while kids throw wet sausages at him. Buckstar liked the idea of the cage and wet sausages, but suggested that they get drunk women instead of kids. They could make a video of it, and throw in a robot with no restraints…a Robot Gone Wild.

Johnny Forever asked Altair to dance in his shown. Altair agreed, but warned that he didn’t dare do his signature backspin move…the last time he tried it, he spun so fast that he accidentally cut off the legs of several kids. Johnny revealed that he knew all about the Backspin Massacre of Topeka…in fact, he had gone on Celebrity Jeopardy to raise money to get those kids new legs, so everything was all right now.

Schmultan and Gortex were putting the finishing touches on their parade float. Schmultan complimented Gortex on his floral arrangements and cherubs. Gortex first tried to maintain his macho Klingon image (“It’s the Flying Baby of Death!”), but finally confessed that Klingons are passionate in all things…not just war, but also decorating, baking and macramé. Johnny Forever came by and awarded their float the blue ribbon. Schmultan and Gortex hugged each other in celebration, then agreed never to mention it again.

Later, Johnny Forever ran into Gortex in the casino. Johnny reminisced about his last tour of the Klingon system, where he scored with 5 Klingon women. Gortex asked if he was sure about that, explaining that Klingons have five genders. (“Male, female, shemale, emale, and centidomingo.”) Unfazed by this revelation, Johnny offered Gortex a spot in the show: Gortex would demonstrate his talent by killing a random audience member with an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Flash Buckstar and Harmonica went out for a picnic, flirting over peanut butter. As they held each other passionately, Flash suddenly began choking on the peanut butter. Thinking quickly, Harmonica turned their embrace into the Heimlich maneuver.

Prince Schmultan was manning the festival’s blood-drive tent when Blake Cherish came by to evaluate him. After donating a pint, Blake informed Schmultan that the Hawk-People were standing in the way of corporate progress, then ordered Schmultan to clip his wings. A fight broke out. When Schmultan accidentally got his head stuck in a bucket, Blake seized the opportunity by stripping off his jacket and strangling Schmultan with it.

After setting up a camera for his “Robots Gone Wild” video, Flash Buckstar called Altair to the bridge and offered him a beer. Buckstar asked Altair if he’d ever been in a video, then asked him to shake his stuff for the camera. Altair reluctantly opened his chest panel, then sobbed that he felt dirty. In the interest of fairness, Buckstar opened his shirt for Altair.

In the bar, Johnny Forever asked Blake Cherish to join his show. (“I admire a man in a Mary Lou Retton jacket.”) Blake offered to demonstrate his kickboxing skills by fighting Gortex to the death. Johnny replied that Gortex already had a spot in the show, and suggested that he battle Buckstar instead.

Harmonica ran into the casino and told Gortex that she feared for Buckstar’s safety. Gortex realized that he could finally repay his blood-debt by saving Buckstar’s life. Suddenly, Gortex heard a distress signal, and rushed off to find Schmultan’s still form. Gortex performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…and continued the mouth-to-mouth even after Schmultan recovered.

Finally, the time came for Johnny Forever’s Spectacular. Johnny started off the show by singing to a girl from the audience. Johnny then pulled a man from the audience, and Gortex killed him by pressing a PBR can against his throat. Suddenly, Schmultan burst in and demanded vengeance against Blake Cherish. Johnny announced that the deathmatch between Blake and Buckstar would now be a three-way battle. The terrible struggle began. In the course of the melee, Schmultan accidentally impaled Harmonica with his sword-staff…several times. Schmultan slashed Blake, but Blake seized the sword-staff and struck Schmultan and Buckstar before collapsing himself. Gortex rushed to Schmultan’s side for more mouth-to-mouth. Buckstar staggered to his feet and announced that he was all right…just before Altair’s backspin knocked his legs out from under him.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 8, Episode 16: Twenty Years Later

Episode 16: Twenty Years Later

The year is 2011, and Little Five Points High is preparing for the Class of 1991’s 20-year reunion. Principal Spoon (recuperating from his latest stroke) and Mr. (formerly Ms.) Munsen-Meyer stood by the lockers, reminiscing about old times. Munsen-Meyer recalled all those years he had spent lying to himself and living as a woman, and Spoon sang a slow, sad song about the passage of time.

At the Tasker Mansion, Owen Tasker and Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker were getting ready for the reunion. Sterling was reluctant to return to the school, and was only willing to go because Owen had promised her more Botox treatments. Owen was eager to survey the school property once more, since it was the one piece of real estate in Little Five Points he didn’t yet own. Once it was his, he would tear down the school and build a Wal-Mart.

Joe Luderman, P.I., ran into Todd Schrader, who had just flown in from Tonga and was still wearing his jungle garb. Joe and Todd hadn’t seen each other since they fought on opposite sides in the great Mustache Wars, but now greeted each other as friends. Todd explained that his wife, Gwendolyn Pinchot-Schrader, was unable to attend the reunion as she couldn’t get away from her duties teaching sign language to Tongan Death-Apes. Joe remarked that he hadn’t gone to the reunion of the high school he actually graduated from, but he couldn’t pass up this reunion because he considered his undercover days at L5PH to be his REAL high school.

Mr. Cook was reminiscing in a classroom when former Assistant Coach Damon walked in, looking considerably worse for wear. Damon explained that, after leaving the school, he had joined the Harlem Dodgeballers…or, rather, the Dodgeballers’ sister team that always played them. After 9 years of constantly losing to the Dodgeballers’ wacky antics, he finally realized that it was fixed, so he quit. He’d been just barely scraping by ever since, but he had come back because he’d heard that somebody was planning on buying Little Five Points High and eliminating the last vestige of public education in Georgia. Cook observed that, as bedraggled as Damon was, his package was larger than ever. Damon explained that he’d taken a dodgeball in the gut, forcing his intestines into his scrotum.

Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker was on the roof, reminiscing. Just then, Oral Hanks from Josten’s arrived. Sterling was surprised to see him, and remarked that the idea of the class ring salesman coming for the reunion was just really stupid.

ORAL: “Well, one man’s stupidity is another man’s idiocy…and that man is me.”

Oral offered Sterling a treatment even better than Botox…some super-DNA that can make her immortal. His price: Half a million dollars.

STERLING: “Ha! Half a million means nothing to me!”
ORAL: “Oh, did I say half a million? I meant a million.”
STERLING: “A million and a half and that’s my final offer.”
ORAL: “You’ve haggled me into submission.”

Principal Spoon met with Owen Tasker in the Tasker Towers offices. Spoon told Owen that Little Five Points High would never be sold as long as Spoon lived. Owen replied that that wouldn’t be much longer, considering what bad shape Spoon was in…one more stroke would likely finish him off. Owen then called in somebody to change Spoon’s mind. In walked a huge, menacing red creature with a big gun. Owen introduced it as Nekon, the Wal-Monster…a new corporate mascot that more accurately reflects the company’s goals, replacing that silly smiley-face. Unable to resist Nekon, Spoon signed away the school. Owen then ordered Nekon to take Spoon away and kill him.

Todd Schrader was hanging out on the gravity-ball field (formerly the football field from his jock days), when he received an incoming transmission from Gwen in Tonga. They attempted a conversation, but Gwen didn’t appear to be able to understand Todd’s responses.

Joe Luderman and Mr. Munsen-Meyer ran into each other in the cafeteria. Joe wasn’t prepared to call Munsen-Meyer “Mr.” yet, even though it was their sexual encounter that had caused Munsen-Meyer to accept his masculinity. Joe observed that gazing at Munsen-Meyer was like looking into a mirror…especially since they now both had the same mustache. Munsen-Meyer replied that he had indeed patterned his new life after Joe. Touched, Joe agreed to have coffee with him.

Oral Hanks met with Mr. Cook to discuss the school’s future. Oral revealed that Owen’s plans didn’t stop with Little Five Points High: he was going to turn the whole of Little Five Points into a Wal-Mart, and would force all the homeless people to work as greeters…even Wolf from the corner of Ponce & Briarcliff. They agreed that he must be stopped. Oral mentioned that he’d had military training during the Mustache Wars (which were kicked off by President Kerry’s decision to grow facial hair), but he couldn’t do it alone. They needed to build a Coalition of the Willing.

In the streets of Little Five Points, there is a legend of a long-forgotten hero who would re-emerge in the city’s darkest hour. Could the time have come for…the Fighting Panhandler?

Former Assistant Coach Damon went to the penthouse of Tasker Towers to confront Owen. Damon informed Owen that, if the school closed, he would carry on the cause of education by going door-to-door as a home-schooling gym teacher. Bored with Damon’s defiance, Owen called in Nekon. Damon immediately surrendered.

Principal Spoon was languishing in the dungeon of Tasker Towers when the Fighting Panhandler suddenly burst in and rescued him.

On the roof, Oral Hanks tried to persuade Joe to join the Coalition of the Willing. Joe replied that his fighting days were over, and that he was now proud to be a pussy. However, he changed his mind when Oral described a vision of Little Five Points as a giant Wal-Mart. Oral then offered Joe a sample of super-DNA that would make him 30% invulnerable. (“Now, you might think this DNA tastes like my semen…well, that’s accurate.”)

Todd Schrader smashed down the door of Owen’s office to confront him. Todd told Owen that he didn’t care if his resistance cost him his life, as he was at peace with his jungle gods. Owen replied that he knew what Todd DID care about…and with that, he pulled out a cute and cuddly Tongan Death-Ape, then snapped its neck. Owen told Todd that he had a whole truckload of apes in captivity, and he’d snap all their necks. Then he’d fly down to Tonga and do the same to Gwen. Owen went into a happy neck-snappin’ dance.

Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were reminiscing about old times. Cook told Munsen-Meyer that he’d always suspected there was something masculine about “her”…maybe it was that time he walked in on him naked in the office. Cook reflected on his own rich, full life, which included winning a Nobel Peace Prize for saving Jimmy Carter’s life. He asked Munsen-Meyer to join the Coalition of the Willing.

Principal Spoon, Oral Hanks, Joe Luderman and the Fighting Panhandler were planning their assault on Tasker Towers. Joe would dress up as a girl and create a distration, while the Panhandler drives a truck full of dynamite into the nearby power station. (The Panhandler was eager to carry out his part, even after it was pointed out that it would kill him.) Just then, Mr. Cook arrived with their secret weapon…Pepper the dodgeball. However, there was only one person who could wield Pepper efficiently: Former Assistant Coach Damon. They needed to find Damon and bring him to their side. Joe asked if he still needed to dress up as a girl.

Meanwhile, Damon confronted Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker about her Botox dependency. She told him that Oral Hanks had offered her something even better than Botox. Damon couldn’t remember how many times he’d fallen for that trick.

Principal Spoon and Mr. Cook were scaling the walls of Tasker Towers when Todd Schrader confronted them. He explained that he had no choice but to serve Owen, as the lives of thousands of Tongan Death-Apes were at stake. Spoon turned to Cook and revealed a bizarre fact about his affliction: Whenever he has a stroke, he also passes it on to anybody he’s in contact with when it hits him. Following Spoon’s request, Cook threw Pepper the dodgeball at Spoon, simultaneously inducing a stroke and knocking him into Todd.

Joe Luderman (in drag) and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were sneaking through the tower to create a diversion when former Assistant Coach Damon appeared. Damon was initially taken aback to see that Munsen-Meyer was a man, but soon regained his composure and called upon dark forces to summon Pepper to his hand. In a slow-motion fight scene, Damon hurled Pepper at Joe’s head. Joe withstood this injury, but just as he was about to take out Damon, Pepper ricocheted and struck Joe in the back, finishing him off.

Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker confronted her husband about his evil plans, telling him that no Wal-Mart was worth human lives. Owen replied that this wasn’t about Wal-Mart, it was about getting revenge on everybody who mistreated him in high school. Just then, a truck crashed through the window. Mr. Cook, Oral Hanks, and the Fighting Panhandler emerged from the truck. Everybody else who was still alive rushed in after hearing the crash, and the final face-off began. Sterling attempted to defuse the violence, but Owen ordered Nekon to shoot her if she got in the way of his true targets. Stunned that Owen was willing to sacrifice her, Sterling joined the Coalition of the Willing. With the battle lines drawn, chaos ensued. Nekon and the Panhandler engaged in a mascot-on-mascot struggle. The battle carried Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer out of the room, and shortly afterwards the detached wheels of Mr. Cook’s wheelchair rolled by, hinting at some horrific fate. Sterling was killed by a stray bullet. Distraught by her death, Damon rejoined the side of good. He tried to subdue Nekon by throwing Pepper at it, to no effect. Owen retrieved Pepper and hurled it at the stroke-afflicted Todd Schrader, killing him. In desperation, Damon reached into his shorts and pulled out his own intestines to strangle Nekon, destroying the Wal-Monster at the cost of his own life. Oral Hanks knelt beside the mortally-injured Fighting Panhandler, who passed along his oversize mascot glove-hand to Oral. Using the power of the Panhandler hand, Oral Hanks ripped out Owen’s heart. Left as the only survivor, Oral Hanks surveyed the carnage and delivered a moving speech.

ORAL: “You can’t tear out the heart of Little Five Points. Sometimes that heart smells of patchouli, sometimes it throws up on you at 3 AM…but it’s always beating. As I look at all these dead people, I know that they didn’t die in vain, because they saved the heart of Atlanta…these Little Points of Five.”

THE END

Season 8, Episode 7: Everybody Dies (Okay, Two People Die)

Episode 7: Everybody Dies (Okay, Two People Die)

Assistant Coach Damon received a phone call from the hospital, informing him that Lewis Von Kemia had died.

School custodian Mr. Cook was helping Russian exchange student Poonivich Pantisoff with her work-study program by having her assist him in changing the lights. She was all too familiar with the dangers of fluorescent tubes, due to the disastrous bulb-factory explosion in her hometown.

The German music teacher Glenn Wilfong was instructing Gwendolyn Pinchot in how to become more evil. She told him that her worst enemy in the school was Miller. However, since Miller’s first act as student council president was to give himself a week off, she couldn’t take revenge on him right now. Her second choice: Sterling Schremerhorn.

By the lockers, undercover cop Joe Luderman broke the news of Lewis’ death to Sterling. Shocked, Sterling blamed herself (not unreasonably, since she was the one who ran over him), but Joe informed her that it was Owen Tasker who had caused Lewis’ cancer.

Owen Tasker was giving blood for the school blood drive when Assistant Coach Damon entered and informed him of Lewis’ death. Damon urged Owen to give more blood in Lewis’ memory…and to earn another letter.

At the Crash Pad, Mr. Cook broke the news to Gwen. Gwen was stunned by this latest loss, on top of her father’s death earlier this year. Cook reminisced about his friendship with her father, shooting pool and coming to all of Gwen’s softball games.

Joe Luderman was directing a public-service announcement for the school’s closed-circuit TV channel, with Assistant Coach Damon warning the students of the dangers of drugs. (“Nine out of ten kids who do drugs die. And that’s a promise.”)

Mr. Wilfong was polishing his trombone “Tooty” and reflecting on his new life in America, when Poonivich Pantisoff entered. They had a brief conversation in Russian, and Pooni joined him in a duet with her cello, “Mrs. Garrett.”

At the blood drive, Sterling angrily confronted Owen about Lewis’ death. She informed him that she was going to run for student council just to throw Owen out of school. Owen pointed out that the elections were over and that Miller had won. Sterling called her rich father and had Miller recalled and herself appointed president.

Pooni asked Gwen to supply her with some Charmin toilet paper to send home to Russia, then sang the traditional Russian toilet-paper song “Can I Squeeze It?” Touched by the song, Gwen declared her love for Pooni.

Sterling questioned Owen about his responsibility for Lewis’ death. Loss of blood had rendered Owen too delirious to lie, so he admitted to giving Lewis’ cancer. Still compelled to tell the truth, Owen told Sterling that he loved her, and would gladly get revenge on Gwen and Miller for her. Then he confessed to masturbating six times a day.

Joe Luderman spied on Mr. Cook as Cook cleaned out Lewis’ locker, but Joe didn’t do a very good job of hiding.

Semi-recovered, Owen Tasker was filming a blood drive announcement with Gwen for the school’s closed-circuit system. Once she was in front of the camera, Gwen took advantage of the opportunity by revealing the truth about Owen…he doesn’t donate blood regularly, his trophies are plastic fakes, and the school doesn’t even HAVE a chess club. She then recited a mystical chant taught to her by Mr. Wilfong, putting Owen in her power. She commanded Owen to tell Sterling that he doesn’t love her after all…then kill her. Mr. Wilfong gleefully watched over the closed-circuit TV.

Joe and Sterling were having lunch at the cafeteria. Sterling warned Joe not to get involved with Gwen, and Joe angrily threw her tray off the table. Assistant Coach Damon came in to clean it up, having taken yet another job to pay the bills.

Due to budget cuts, Damon was teaching AP physics to Pooni. He began “There are many mysteries to physics that haven’t been explained…it’s a lot like Catholicism.” Pooni was outraged by his introduction of religion into the classroom, and Damon was equally upset with her godless communism. A slow-motion fight scene broke out. Mr. Cook arrived with his video camera.

Mr. Wilfong and Gwen were going over their evil plans. Wilfong asked Gwen to serve a very special meal the next time Joe Luderman comes to the Crash Pad: a burger with a side of cocaine.

Under Gwen’s spell, Owen was gathering knives at the Crash Pad when Joe Luderman entered and warned him that “there’s a guy one step behind the guy two steps ahead of you.” Owen declared his intention to kill Sterling, believing that the law couldn’t touch him. Joe told Owen that the law could indeed touch him, and that he’d soon be lettering in prison rape.

Mr. Cook confronted Damon with the video of his compromising encounter with Pooni. As Damon professed his innocence, Cook remembered his own encounter with a student in Florida. Suddenly, Pooni burst in and announced that she had Cook’s confession on tape. Damon revealed that Cook had yet another hold on him…Cook knows that Damon killed Gwen’s father.

Joe Luderman was relaxing at home after a hard day’s undercover work. Mr. Wilfong sneaked in, but was soon discovered. As Joe confronted him, Wilfong noticed all of the “I’m a Cop” posters in Joe’s apartment.

Poonivich Pantisoff had stolen Sterling Schremerhorn’s purse in search of breath mints to sustain herself. Finding none, she started chewing on a tampon. Following Sterling’s scent, the entranced Owen Tasker came up behind Pooni and strangled her. Only after the deed was done did Owen discover that he’d killed the wrong girl.

NEXT WEEK: Gwen confronts Mr. Wilfong about Joe.

Season 7, Episode 9: Everybody Dies

And now, the final episode of the Miami season!

Episode 9: Everybody Dies

Mayoral candidates Dan Mandarino and Jim McMayonnaise met for a debate, with the Commodore moderating. Jim revealed that he was running for a sympathy vote, explaining that he not only had just a few months to live, but on top of that he was going blind. The only thing he wanted before his death was to be mayor. Dan started his rebuttal, but the Commodore declared that time was up as soon as Dan opened his mouth.

At a homeless mission, a bedraggled figure was trying to open a can of beans with his teeth when Sir John Holmes entered. Using his astounding powers of deduction, he calculated that this shabby vagabond was either the Captain (of The Captain & Tennille) or Angelo Lansbury. Angelo explained that, after he lost all his cocaine, the rest of his fortune went with it. Holmes warned Angelo that he still blamed him for introducing cocaine to England…and causing the death of Holmes’ son. Angelo pleaded for mercy, explaining that he knew who now had his cocaine. Reluctantly, Holmes and Angelo agreed to work together to track down Miami’s new druglord, Orville Furman.

Outgoing Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some last-minute paperwork, distraught over the recall election. She couldn’t believe that such an important race had been reduced to a dog-and-pony show with two football stars and other celebrities vying for attention. The Commodore entered to ask why she hadn’t entered the debate. She replied “What’s the point of debating morons?” The Commodore urged her not to give up, and she revealed that she wasn’t giving up her fight against evil…she was only giving up the mayor’s office so she wouldn’t be bound by legal restraints. Once she’s free from office, she can fight evil on her own terms, and live up to her middle name…Shula Ramberg Goldamayer.

The newly-wealthy Detective Orville Furman was compensating Simpson and Snatch for all their years of lousy pay, taking them shopping for new shoes. When they asked where he got all this money, he told them he “inherited” it. They decided to go out and get messed up. (Since Snatch was pregnant, Simpson agreed to get messed up enough for both of them.)

At Pepino’s, Dan was drowning his sorrows while Snatch was drinking near-beer. He asked her why she was siding with Jim McMayonnaise when she was carrying Dan’s child. She replied that Jim truly cared about her, whereas Dan just kept throwing footballs and daiquiris at her. She told Dan that she had good news and bad news.

DAN: “Gimme the bad news first, then gimme the good news twice.”
SNATCH: “Well, the good news and the bad news is really the same thing, so…Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me.”
DAN: “I think Jim McMayonnaise just signed his own death warrant.”

Jim McMayonnaise was filming a public service announcement with Angelo Lansbury to fight hunger (by feeding Angelo a Touchdown Honey Bun). Suddenly, a football flew through the air, narrowly missing Jim. Shrugging off the incident, Jim bragged that the election was in the bag…he had fixed the election by telling the Make-a-Wish Foundation that he was dying and going blind, and they were going to make his wish of being mayor come true. Angelo warned Jim that he’d made a big mistake by lying to the Make-a-Wish Foundation…if you tell them you’re dying, and you don’t die, they kill you anyway. Jim realized that his only hope of surviving was to develop a terminal illness. Suddenly, another football narrowly missed Jim.

Sir John Holmes and Officer Simpson were practicing at the firing range when Holmes tried to break the news that Detective Furman was engaged in illegal activities. She couldn’t believe what he was saying about her “soul-mate,” then offered to show off her marksmanship by shooting the corncob pipe out of Holmes’ mouth.

Detective Furman was in his new high-rise apartment when Shula smashed down the door. Furman once again tried to accuse Shula of being the real druglord (having planted more cocaine in her desk), but she wasn’t having any part of it. She pulled out her Throwing Star of David.

The Commodore went to say goodbye to Snatch, explaining that he’d been offered a position at Langley University, to work on the most advanced computer program in existence…the Altair Project, creating artificial intelligence in a clunky robot body. Snatch replied that it was probably for the best, since she was going to marry Jim McMayonnaise anyway. They would each find their own happiness, Snatch with Jim and the Commodore with his project.

Detective Furman was weighing out his cocaine in his high-rise when Angelo entered. As Furman gloated over taking over Angelo’s business, Angelo presented him with one of the “perks” of the business…a bill for all the cocaine Furman had stolen, along with moving expenses. When Furman protested, Angelo threatened to take him to The People’s Court.

Snatch was trying on bridal gowns (and admiring her ass in the mirror) when Poppi arrived, wearing a beautiful gown. He explained that he had returned to Miami to be her bridesmaid. He presented her with something old (his old Village People biker cap), something new (a Reese’s peanut butter cup), something borrowed (a condom he borrowed from a friend), and something blue (a picture of a guy he blew).

At Pepino’s, Jim McMayonnaise’s bachelor party was in full swing. The Commodore presented Jim with a program he’d written where a woman takes off her pixilated clothing…he called it “Leisure Suit Larry.” Sir John Holmes suggested that they employ the services of a lady of the evening. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim.

Dan Mandarino told Simpson about his plan to kill Jim McMayonnaise and then marry Snatch himself. He showed her the ring he’d gotten for Snatch, containing the densest diamond known to man (“It’s the God-Ring”). When Simpson asked what was in this plan for her, he replied that HE was in it for her.

Angelo Lansbury and Detective Furman went on The People’s Court, presided over by special guest judge Tony Danza. Furman argued that when Angelo gave him a kilo of cocaine as a gift back in the first episode, that meant that he was entitled to the rest of Angelo’s cocaine. Unimpressed, Tony Danza ruled in Angelo’s favor. Suddenly, Shula burst in, shirtless (but thankfully still wearing a bra), wearing a headband, and carrying a huge machine-gun. No longer was she Mayor Goldamayer…now, she was RAMBERG! Ramberg struck a blow for justice by shooting Detective Furman repeatedly. Tony Danza used his “Who’s the Boss” housekeeping skills to clean up the mess.

The wedding of Officer Snatch and Jim McMayonnaise was about to begin, with the Commodore conducting the service, Poppi as the bridesmaid, and Tony Danza as the best man. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim, but the ceremony continued. More footballs struck, this time actually hitting Jim. The Commodore spotted the assassin, Dan Mandarino. The Commodore took a football, but wrestled Dan to the ground. Despite having killed the groom, Dan asked Snatch to forgive him and marry him instead. Before she could reply, the mortally-injured Commodore threw one of Dan’s own footballs at him. With almost everybody else dead, Snatch asked Tony Danza to marry her.

Ramberg prepared to announce the results of the election, even though both candidates had just died. Opening the envelope, she was stunned to discover that the winner was a write-in candidate…Ramberg! Suddenly, the spirits of Detective Furman, Dan Mandarino, and Jim McMayonnaise appeared, swearing to haunt her. Luckily, being Jewish, she didn’t believe in them. The spirits departed, and Angelo Lansbury arrived. He explained that losing his fortune had made him see the error of his ways, and he wanted to atone for his past. He revealed that he had organized the write-in campaign that restored her to office. Suddenly, Sir John Holmes arrived, still seeking revenge for his son’s death. Angelo calmly walked up to Holmes, explaining his new program of forgiveness, which he called “Hugs, Not Drugs.” Angelo hugged Holmes, who dropped his billy club and broke down crying.

POPPI: “This is the Miami I’ve come to know and love!”

THE END

Season 7, Episode 5: Everybody Dies

Episode 5: Everybody Dies

Officer Simpson was grilling the Commodore about the murder of Mary Lou Retton. She brought in a line-up of suspects (Dan Mandarino, Officer Snatch, Buster Banks, Angelo Lansbury, and a random guy), asking the Commodore to point out the person he saw standing over Mary Lou’s body. She confessed that she believed the Commodore himself did it, but she was willing to frame whoever he picked out. Seeing a chance for revenge, the Commodore identified Dan Mandarino as the killer. They pulled Dan out of the line-up and confiscated his football. Simpson revealed the reason for her action: she’s pregnant with the Commodore’s child.

Angelo Lansbury was trying to handle his business affairs when Rodriguez Philbin entered. Rodriguez revealed that he was Angelo’s son, whom Angelo had tried to have killed by a “baby hitman.” Angelo told Rodriguez that he was at death’s door due to having his liver ejected from his body. Rodriguez immediately went from vengeful to sympathetic, and offered to kill everybody in town to find a match for his liver.

Buster Banks was in his editing room when his lost love, Dixie Greenflag, entered. She revealed that, since fleeing town after shooting Angelo, she had found religion and was putting her life as a porn star behind her. (“The only threesome I’m interested in now is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.”) She asked Buster to join her in her new life.

Dan Mandarino was working as a celebrity bartender at Coconutz, despondent without his football. (Even his career highlights were dull now.) Shula Goldamayer entered and congratulated him for blowing out Angelo’s liver. She offered him a chance to fight more crime by joining the police force. She admitted that they had a lot in common…she used to play football as well, though she played street football because she was too hardcore for the NFL. Dan suddenly recognized her as his idol, “The Shulanator.”

In Simpson & Snatch’s apartment, Simpson told Snatch that she believed she was pregnant. Snatch wanted to have a baby herself so that they could share the experience together, even though Simpson had two weeks’ headstart.

SIMPSON: “Maybe you could have your baby prematurely.”
SNATCH: “Well, I do smoke a lot.”

When Simpson revealed that the father was the Commodore, Snatch was appalled. Snatch explained how the Commodore had threatened her mother. They were both so emotionally conflicted that they decided to go out and get drunk.

The Commodore and Buster Banks were hanging out at the arcade. Buster noticed that the Commodore had Dan’s football…which was only the first part of the Commodore’s plan to get revenge on Dan. Buster suggested that they combine that with his own plan to get revenge on Rodriguez Philbin for killing Mary Lou Retton. Struck by a sudden inspiration, Buster asked the Commodore to take over Mary Lou’s role in his movie.

Angelo was in the hospital for his daily blood-cleansing when Dixie Greenflag entered. Despite their having tried to kill each other, their strange circumstances brought them to a kind of truce. Now that he’s at death’s door, Angelo asked Dixie to forgive him for getting her into porn. She asked him to repent for all his misdeeds, not just his crimes against her. He agreed, and promised not to stand in the way of her marriage with Buster.

Officer Snatch was buying donuts at a convenience store when Rodriguez Philbin entered and introduced himself. Snatch reminded him that she had arrested him last week, and tried to do so again. When Rodriguez threatened to take her liver, Snatch told him that she knew an even better match…somebody she needed to get rid of anyway. If Rodriguez would eliminate her enemy, she would provide him with a victim…Dixie Greenflag.

Shula Goldamayer was going over some new legislation when Angelo staggered in, asking her help in moving him up the list to get a new liver. Shula pointed out that she had predicted that his life of crime would lead to something like this. When he said that he regretted his evil ways, Shula opened her desk drawer and presented him with the perfect type B-Positive liver…Mary Lou Retton’s.

The Commodore went to see Simpson, ready to take responsibility as a father. She revealed that she wasn’t pregnant after all, then pulled her gun on him for threatening Snatch’s mother. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, and ordered him to go. Before he left, he gave her a gift of “the future”…a computer diskette.

At Amateur Night at Coconutz, Dixie Greenflag was singing a rockin’ song about finding religion. At the end of her song, Rodriguez Philbin came on stage and complimented her on her performance. (“I find you very attractive. Therefore, I must kill you in front of this amateur night audience.”) After strangling her, Rodriguez took a bow and announced, “I’ll be here all week.”

Buster Banks was filming Dan Mandarino in a commercial for Tiger Malt Liquor. In the course of their conversation, Buster mentioned the sex tape he had of Dan and Poppi. Dan said he would do anything to get that tape back.

At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch investigated the crime scene. Snatch recognized Dixie as the star of her favorite porn film, “Guess Who’s Coming at Dinner?” Simpson figured that the murder was the work of Rodriguez Philbin, but Snatch made up an alibi for him, claiming he was having sex with her at the time. Simpson was appalled that Snatch might be pregnant, now that Simpson knew that she herself wasn’t. Snatch asked Simpson to be the father figure for her baby.

Rodriguez Philbin was cooking Beanie Weenies at Buster’s place, then hid when Buster arrived. Buster found a newspaper headline announcing Dixie’s murder. Before he had time to grieve, he heard the tell-tale flatulence and discovered Rodriguez. Buster grabbed his gun.

RODRIGUEZ: “You can shoot me, Buster Banks…but know that you’d be shooting your own brother!”
BUSTER: “I’ll investigate that plot point later!”

With that, Buster shot Rodriguez.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 19: Everybody Dies...Yet Again

Episode 19: Everybody Dies…Yet Again

Chambliss Tucker met her son Eileve at the Slop Bucket. Eileve observed that Chambliss was more preoccupied with ordering the soup than with the fact that he had saved her by reuniting her head with her body. Chambliss explained that she appreciated his effort, but that the spell had changed something else about her body…she now had a penis. Eileve was horrified to learn that his spell had gone wrong. He checked himself and discovered that he now had a vagina.

After a friendly game of basketsphere with Francis of the Rock People, King Plough complained that, having lost an eye and an arm, he now felt like less than a man. Francis told Plough that Eileve was learning the ways of white magic, and might be able to heal Plough. However, since Eileve was still learning, there might be great danger.

PLOUGH: “Danger is my middle name.”
FRANCIS: “I thought it was Yancy.”
PLOUGH: “You got me.”

Atop Skank Mountain, Baron Üterrüs was giving instructions to his new apprentice, Tarquin the Gangly. He told Tarquin to go back to his treehouse and fetch King Plough’s throne, then divest Plough of his kingly garments and dress him as a peasant, and finally chain him in the dungeon. As Tarquin left, the voice of his late father, Magic Jones, suddenly spoke through him. Jones asked Tarquin to set off the bag of explosives he had left in Üterrüs’ shop.

Chambliss returned to her Lincoln Navigator and found Francis waiting for her. She sat back and started talking sports. Francis could tell she was hiding something. She was reluctant to reveal her secret, but finally sang him a song about her new penis.

King Plough paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Since he had lost his sword, Plough wanted Tarquin to instruct him in the elfin art of archery. Tarquin told him that, in order to learn the bow and arrow, he would need to dress as a peasant and be shackled in a dungeon. Plough accepted Tarquin’s instructions.

Eileve went to Linens Und Thïngs to buy some gingham. As he entered, Baron Üterrüs was puzzled to sense the presence of the god Menstratus. Eileve explained that he had magically swapped genitals with Chambliss, and that he needed some advice. Now that Eileve was female, he was considering a relationship with the one person in town he wasn’t related to…Francis of the Rock People.

Francis was walking through the village when he met a strange peasant, who introduced himself as Nort. When Francis told him about the evil afoot in the kingdom, Nort replied that he had sensed it. Nort explained that he knew all and could foresee the future, although his “prophecy” for Francis was so vague, it could apply to anyone. Nort told Francis that Üterrüs’ power was weakening, and that he knew how to defeat him.

King Plough was waiting without pants in the Dungeon of Filth, wondering when Tarquin would come back to continue the archery lesson. Feeling vulnerable and alone, he concluded that this must be a lesson to teach him the meaning of being a king…he must rely on himself, not hide behind armor and weapons. Suddenly, Baron Üterrüs entered holding the Dual Sword of Destiny. The Baron informed Plough that he had reclaimed what was his…and now had only to take one last thing: Plough’s boxer shorts.

Nort told Eileve and Francis that the secret to defeating Baron Üterrüs was “Simply love.” Taking this as a cue, Eileve asked Francis to be the father of his child. When Francis didn’t understand, Eileve explained that he was now a woman. Francis paused to consider the matter, then immediately agreed.

Tarquin went to the castle and found Chambliss admiring the weapons rack, picking out the most manly bow. She asked where King Plough was, and Tarquin told her that he was in the dungeon. Tarquin suggested that she might want to take her bow and arrows and shoot Plough. He assured her that they were enchanted elfin arrows that wouldn’t actually hurt the king, but would be an amusing practical joke.

Nort released King Plough from the dungeon. Plough told Nort that he needed a weapon to fight Üterrüs, and Nort handed him a feather. (“They do say that the pen is mightier than the sword.”) Impressed by Nort’s wisdom, Plough offered to make the peasant a Duke, or an Earl, or maybe even the Duke of Earl.

Francis and Eileve were engaging in some pillow talk after their encounter. Francis was concerned that things would be weird between them now. They assured each other that this didn’t mean that they were gay, and that they would go back to their old friendship once Eileve got his penis back. Eileve told Francis that soon there would be a new rock person to carry on their line.

FRANCIS: “Not just a rock person, but a rock person/lich person/thief person/elf person/cheetah person/regular person person.”

Chambliss and Baron Üterrüs were walking through the park. The Baron informed her that he had deposed King Plough. If she still wanted to be queen, she would have to marry him. Chambliss refused, having finally had enough of his evil ways. He gave her a choice…be his queen or die. She told him to go ahead and kill her. When he hesitated, she told him to give her the sword. He gave it to her…blade-first.

King Plough and Nort burst into Tarquin’s treehouse. Plough attempted to stab Tarquin with the feather, with less than effective results. Tarquin drew his invisible sword Soulcrusher X and mocked the unarmed Plough. Suddenly, Plough reached behind his back and pulled out a gold dagger, which he had been keeping up his ass ever since he and the dagger’s owner had been prisoners together in Chietnam. Plough lifted his shirt and flashed Tarquin, then stabbed him while he was distracted.

The badly wounded Chambliss was lying in her Lincoln Navigator when Eileve rushed in. Shocked to find his mother in this state, he told her that she had to live to see the birth of her grandchild. He asked who had done this to her, but she “didn’t want to point fingers at anybody tall and evil.” She asked to be buried in the Navigator. Eileve agreed, and she fell silent. Eileve covered her face with Plough’s boxer shorts.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 17: Everybody Dies...Again...Maybe...Sort of...

Episode 17: Everybody Dies…Again…Maybe…Sort of…

In the aftermath of the big ballgame and the collapse of Mount Francis, King Plough had won the game but lost an eye. Eileve had taken possession of both Magic Jones’ and Baron Üterrüs’ magic staffs. Plough noticed that the skull on the Baron’s staff resembled that of Plough’s great-great-great-etc.-grandfather, who was killed by an evil undead lich many centuries ago. Eileve suggested that the Baron WAS that lich, but the king scoffed at this notion. As Eileve tried to convince his grandfather about Üterrüs’ true nature, the cheetah-skin on Eileve’s legs suddenly slipped down. They realized that Eileve was reaching puberty.

Francis of the Rock People consulted Magic Jones about Francis’ recent shrinking down from mountain-size. Jones explained that Francis had shrunk because he couldn’t maintain the energy needed for his immense size. Francis suggested that he might get that energy back by eating a lot, but Jones replied that that would just make him expand horizontally. However, Jones pointed out that Francis’ heart had grown three sizes, and he still had the compassion and wisdom of a mountain.

Chambliss Tucker was wearing the rabbit-head mask she had used as a mascot for the defunct ChamblissTuckerLand. Baron Üterrüs asked her why she kept hiding herself under rabbit masks and elf ears, then theorized that she was constantly trying out new personas because she is out of place in this world. He suggested that she should return to Marietta for her own safety. Chambliss insisted that she belonged here, and that she could infiltrate the elves and be accepted as one of their own. Üterrüs warned her once more (this time in song), but since she refused to listen, he turned his back and walked away.

Tarquin and Keblaar were in the Slop Bucket, preparing for the elfin invasion. Keblaar thanked Tarquin for joining them despite being exiled from their tribe. When Keblaar mentioned that he had helped write the order of exile, Tarquin was outraged. They started arguing, and Keblaar drew his enchanted invisible sword Soulcrusher X. Tarquin didn’t believe the sword was there until Keblaar knocked an arrow from Tarquin’s hand.

Francis and Eileve met in the forest. When Eileve explained that Baron Üterrüs had killed Kalgon, Francis swore to help Eileve in his quest for vengeance. As Eileve puzzled over how to kill the undead, Francis got an idea.

King Plough summoned Magic Jones to the throne room for his monthly review, and asked Jones to rate his own job performance. Jones rated himself a 5 out of 5 in every department, until Plough cut him off and pointed out just how incompetent he was. Plough pointed out that Jones had lost his magic staff, leaving him powerless. Jones argued that he still had some power without the staff, then demonstrated by rapping a spell to make it rain.

Baron Üterrüs offered his services to the elfin army, explaing that he was an expert at baby-mutilating, uniform-tailoring, soul-removal, and various fix-it jobs. In exchange for his services, Üterrüs demanded the enchanted double-sword held by King Plough.

Chambliss Tucker visisted Tarquin’s treehouse, where he was preparing an elfin explosive device consisting of various natural substances in a large back. Tarquin tested the bomb by igniting it, but it turned out to be a dud.

Baron Üterrüs was closing up at Linens Und Thïngs, bidding goodbye to his flowers as he prepared to go to war. Suddenly, Francis and Eileve burst in and confronted him about Kalgon’s murder.

EILEVE: “Hello. My name is Eileve the Gangly Üterrüs, the slighter of hand, fleeter of foot, heir to the throne of Ye Little Points of Five. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

The Baron asked for one last request, then suddenly planted a “soul kiss” on Eileve.

Keblaar informed King Plough that he was quitting his post as Royal Secretary in order to lead the elf army. Plough was enraged, pointing out that Keblaar hadn’t given him two weeks’ notice. As they argued, Keblaar drew Soulcrusher X, but Plough didn’t believe Keblaar actually had an invisible sword. Keblaar officially declared war on behalf of the elfin army.

Magic Jones found a tearful Baron Üterrüs outside Linens Und Thïngs. The Baron told Jones that inside the store, he would find the shriveled husk of a boy on the brink of death. Üterrüs asked Jones to nurse Eileve back to health, but not to reveal that Üterrüs had asked him to do so. Jones pointed out that Eileve was a threat to both of them, and that he SHOULD be destroyed. Nevertheless, Jones agreed to honor the Baron’s request out of respect.

Inside, Francis was cradling Eileve’s limp body. Magic Jones rushed in and checked Eileve’s pulse, but it was too late. Eileve was dead. Jones heard Baron Üterrüs’ voice, reminding him that there was a spell to bring back Eileve…but at the cost of the spellcaster’s own life. Jones chanted the spell, then collapsed as Eileve sat up once again.

Keblaar and Tarquin were putting the final touches on the invasion plan. Tarquin showed Keblaar his bag of explosives, explaining that he would plant it in the keystone of the castle, bringing the whole thing down. Chambliss arrived, telling them she was on the side of the elfin army. As they celebrated, Chambliss “accidentally” knocked the bag of explosives onto the campfire. As they ran for cover, Chambliss gloated that her plan to blow up the elves had worked…not realizing that the bomb had been another dud, and that Tarquin and Keblaar were still behind her, hearing every word she said.

Despite having lost his left arm in the swordfight with Keblaar, King Plough was preparing for battle when Baron Üterrüs entered and warned him that they were on opposite sides of this war. As a mark of their mutual respect, they told each other their true full names (“King Yancy Plough” and “Baron Portnoy Üterrüs”). They parted as old friends turned honored foes. After Üterrüs’ departure, King Plough delivered a rousing speech to his people. Chambliss ran in and declared her allegiance to King Plough, tearing off her elf ears. Üterrüs returned and defected to Plough’s side. The battle was joined (seen in silhouette), and the forces of Ye Little Points of Five emerged victorious…but Chambliss was struck in the head by King Plough’s sword in the melee.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 14: Everybody Dies

Episode 14: Everybody Dies

Kalgon, the fleet of foot and sleight of hand, gave Esmerizizelda the magical artifact he had stolen for her: the Flowers of Algernon. She explained that she would use their power to switch bodies with Chambliss Tucker. When Kalgon asked for the sack of gold she had promised him, she gave him his “just reward” by casting a spell of clumsiness upon him, thus destroying his skills as a master thief.

Magic Jones was wandering through the forest when he the as-yet-nameless son of Chambliss Tucker and three fathers. The human-elf-cheetah man-child lamented his freakish existence, and Jones reassured him that everybody feels like a freak when they’re young.

As a result of their collision, King Plough’s alabaster sword and Baron Üterrüs’ onyx sword had merged into a single weapon. Plough and Üterrüs discussed an arrangement to alternate ownership of the sword, then turned to the more pressing matter of what to do with Francis, who was being held in the dungeon. Üterrüs thought that Francis should be hewn into gravel for his treachery, while Plough worried how the people would react to such a severe punishment. The Baron argued that a king shouldn’t be influenced by his subjects, but should rule them with an iron fist. Plough realized that the merged sword was influencing him, tearing him between its two sides. (“There’s dark, and there’s light…and yet, alas, there’s no creamy center.”)

Esmerizizelda paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin lamented that his ox, Thacko, had grown distant since Tarquin had been transformed from elf to human. Esmerizizelda told him that she could restore him if he helped her abduct Chambliss for her ritual.

Magic Jones brought the nameless child to Linens Und Thïngs to meet one of his fathers, Baron Üterrüs. The Baron was impressed by his demi-son’s growth, noting that the child had the prowess of a cheetah, the immortality of an elf, and the blood of kings. All that was left was for the Baron to teach him in the ways of the undead. The child agreed to join him, on one condition: “I want Magic Jones to name me…or I leave.” Thus, the old wizard christened the child “Eileve.”

At the Slop Bucket, King Plough asked his son, Kalgon, to read the menu for him, since Plough could not read. As Kalgon described the blue-plate special, Plough reiterated his confession of illiteracy, hoping that Kalgon would get the point this time. Plough was concerned because he had signed all manner of documents without knowing what they were, relying on Magic Jones’ judgment on the legislation.

KALGON: “I wouldn’t trust him to name a baby!”

Kalgon’s curse of clumsiness rendered him unable to serve Plough’s meal. He explained that he had committed a theft for a sack of gold, wanting to earn the gold on his own terms rather than ask his father. Plough revealed that he was proud of Kalgon’s self-sufficiency. Plough sang a song praising Kalgon’s skill as a waiter.

Esmerizizelda paid another visit to Tarquin, promising to turn him back into an elf after he completes the abduction of Chambliss. Tarquin demanded to be restored immediately, but the witch protested that he might back out of the agreement afterwards. Tarquin pointed out that elves never broke their word. She accepted that, but warned him that if he DID cross her, she’d turn him into something horrible, though she couldn’t decide what. Suddenly, Eileve knocked on the door. Tarquin saw his elfin parentage in the child, and greeted him warmly. Tarquin confided that Esmerizizelda’s evil plan was his only hope of becoming an elf again, but Eileve had an alternate plan: he distracted Esmerizizelda and stole her wand.

Magic Jones was wandering about when Eileve entered, holding the wand in one hand and his detached tail in the other. Eileve explained that he had idly commented that he hated his tail, and it fell off. Jones realized that the wand responded to its owner’s desires…a terrible responsibility for a one-week-old.

King Plough summoned Esmerizizelda to the castle, pointing out that she had been banished by his great-grandfather, and the banishment was still in effect. She broke down in tears, lamenting her wretched herpes-ridded existence. Plough confessed that he too knew the heartbreak of herpes (“Why do you think I grew this ridiculous mustache?”). She offered to transplant his soul into a herpes-free body. Torn by the influence of the sword, Plough agreed, giving her one hour to prove her powers by curing herself.

Kalgon went to Linens Und Thïngs, crawling very carefully to avoid knocking anything over. Kalgon told Baron Üterrüs about the curse of clumsiness, and the Baron offered to help him. Üterrüs started gathering the ingredients for the remedy, then realized that the Flowers of Algernon had vanished. Kalgon remorsefully confessed to the theft. Enraged, Üterrüs dealt Kalgon a heavy blow with his mace.

Tarquin and Esmerizizelda snuck into Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator and abducted the sleeping, blanket-covered Chambliss, after Tarquin knocked her out by whacking her with a cushy pillow.

Eileve found Kalgon lying motionless in his cave. Eileve attempted to wake up his demi-father, but the flies buzzing around the body proved that he was dead. Eileve’s elfin heritage allowed him to speak to the flies and learn what had happened. (“My father’s killed my father!”) Eileve swore to avenge Kalgon’s death.

Magic Jones castigated Baron Üterrüs for not watching Eileve, thus allowing Eileve to get Esmerizizelda’s wand. Jones warned that the combination of unlimited power and a child’s immaturity could blow a hole in the space-time continuum. Baron Üterrüs agreed that the danger was serious enough for the two of them to set aside their differences and join forces.

Tarquin and Esmerizizelda were preparing for the deherpification ritual when the witch suddenly remembered that Eileve had stolen her wand. (“You fool! This is my fault, but I blame you!”) Tarquin suggested that the cushy pillow must have some magical powers of its own, since it had somehow knocked out Chambliss. The witch tested the pillow’s powers by casting a spell on Tarquin. Suddenly, his elfin locks reappeared as he was restored to his true self. Before Esmerizizelda could proceed to transferring her soul into Chambliss’ body, King Plough entered, shouting that the hour was up. Seeing that the witch had failed to cure herself, Plough stabbed her with his sword.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 16: Everybody Dies

Episode 16: Everybody Dies

Having stolen Constance’s reproductive system, Roswell Diabolicus was now carrying Brigham Young’s child. Brigham demanded his baby back, explaining that he had conceived that child for the divinely-ordained purpose of fathering the Mormons. In effect, that child was God’s child. This information only made Roswell more determined to keep the baby himself, so that he could corrupt it.

The revelation of Brigham’s infidelity had driven Red Clay onto the warpath, so he visited the general store to pick up some more war paint. Fantastic Sam came in and told Red Clay that he, too, was feeling a murderous mood. Suddenly, they heard an eerie noise and rushed outside to see some strange lights in the sky. Just as suddenly, the mysterious flying object disappeared, and they went back to their original conversation. Red Clay and Sam decided to steal a bunch of TNT from the store and blow up Little One Point.

Having been kicked out of office by Trapper Jean, ex-mayor Hop Hop was reduced to begging for change (and beer) on the street. Sheriff Madeline Clementine strolled by, her face covered with hideous sores. Madeline explained that, when God sent the plague of syphilis, she caught it…then she caught a double-dose when she slept with Trapper Jean. As she explained that the syphilis would soon drive her insane, Madeline suddenly started tap-dancing for no apparent reason. Fantastic Sam walked by, carrying a bundle of stolen supplies. Hop Hop begged for some spare food, and Sam gave him some moldy oranges. Hop Hop shared the oranges with the reluctant Madeline.

At the school, Will McGotnuthin was teaching atheism to his sole remaining student, Timmy. Trapper Jean entered and dismissed the class. Jean explained that he had appointed himself Mayor by claiming Hop Hop’s office in the name of French Canada.

WILL: “Then, I could claim it in the name of Willsville?”
JEAN: “Yes, but then I would likely shoot you dead, and it would revert to me.”

Jean told Will that he should start teaching about the wonders of France, but the school didn’t have an ‘F’ encyclopedia yet. Jean informed Will that he could provide the school with a complete set of encyclopedias. Impressed by Jean’s erudition, Will agreed to teach whatever Jean tells him to.

Hauling his bag of loot, Fantastic Sam was stopped by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell tried to take the supplies back, but didn’t have the strength to lift it. Sam mocked Roswell’s weakness and pulled a gun on him. In retaliation, Roswell harangued Sam for his cowardice and lack of commitment, until Sam broke down and turned the gun on himself. Roswell wrestled Sam to the ground, pinning him down until Sam passed out. Roswell put a case of TNT on Sam’s back and lit the fuse.

Madeline was recuperating at home, feeling slightly better since eating the moldy oranges. Trapper Jean entered, and Madeline bitterly complained that she had lived a decent, clean life until her liaison with Jean, whereas Jean had lived a dissolute life…and now she was dying, while Jean seemed as hale and hearty as ever. The madness came on her again, and she voiced her complaints in a musical number. (“There’s no one to blame but God and you, and God’s not here!”) Jean explained that he appeared so healthy because he knew two methods to stop the symptoms of syphilis. Madeline would need to find either the silver blood of a unicorn (unfortunately, they only live in France), or the placenta from a newborn child.

Red Clay consulted the Chipapoo spirits for advice on his warpath. Hop Hop passed by, and they commiserated over their betrayals by the white man. Red Clay told Hop Hop that he would burn Little One Point to the ground (since, according to the treaty, the town was his property anyway).

Brigham went to the saloon and told Will about his problems (“I got a woman pregnant, and my husband’s not happy about it”). Brigham feared that the jealous Red Clay would kill him and the whole town. Will reluctantly agreed to form yet another temporary alliance with Brigham. Will warned Brigham that this time, they would have to take out Red Clay permanently, or he would just come back stronger and angrier.

Fantastic Sam woke up and discovered the burning TNT on his back. He tried to kick it away, but was caught in the blast and apparently lost several limbs.

Madeline went to Castle Gayskull to ask Roswell Diabolicus for help with her illness.

ROSWELL: “You look like someone punched you in the face with a fistful of keys!”
MADELINE: “Worse than that…someone punched me in the crotch with a fistful of syphilis.”

Madeline was about to ask Roswell for a favor, when Roswell suddenly went into labor.

Trapper Jean was settling into his new home in the mayor’s office when Hop Hop arrived at the door. Discovering that the locks had changed, Hop Hop tricked his way in with a cunning ruse.

HOP HOP: “It’s the prumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!”
JEAN: “I did not know we had indoor plumbing!”

Once he was in the office, Hop Hop put on an impressive display of martial-arts prowess, skillfully and menacingly wielding his staff. In response, Trapper Jean simply shot Hop Hop.

Red Clay was setting fire to the town when Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin confronted him. Brigham tried to make amends with Red Clay, but Red Clay was too angry to accept his apology. His people had been betrayed by the white man too often for Red Clay to forgive. Red Clay drew his bow, and Brigham and Will drew their gun and whip (respectively) in response. Red Clay’s arrow missed, but Brigham’s bullet didn’t. Mortally wounded, Red Clay apologized for carrying his passion too far. Hearing the Chipapoo spirits calling him, Red Clay knew that he was dying. Brigham and Red Clay declared their love for each other one last time. Red Clay wanted to give Brigham the treaty that would grant him ownership of Little One Point, but died before he could reveal where it was hidden. Moved by the tender scene, Will (pausing only long enough to put out the fire) handed Red Clay’s arrow to Brigham. (“He meant for you to have this.”)

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 11: Everybody Dies

Guest-starring Peter Dusenberry as Sporvis Narvell.

Episode 11: Everybody Dies

Mad Dog told Ebenezer about his plans to join Vladimir’s heavy-metal band, drumming under the stage name “Chief Dripping Sticks.” Ebenezer reminisced about the time his grandfather killed the original Chief Dripping Sticks while riding with Teddy Roosevelt. They noticed a spot of cinnamon goo on the floor, and complained about how the hotel had gone downhill without Celeste there to clean.

Tillie visited Celeste in her cell. Celeste made Tillie whisper so as not to wake up her “freakazoid” roommate, LaKweesha. Tillie promised to get Celeste a good lawyer (from the firm of Feinstein, Feinstein & Feinstein), then gave her a couple of presents: a batch of brownies and a gun.

Sporvis Narvell, the lawyer Bert hired to defend Celeste, arrived in Bert’s office. Bert told Sporvis that he was having doubts about Celeste’s innocence, but that didn’t matter to Sporvis. Sporvis assured Bert he’d get Celeste off, whether she did it or not. Bert informed Sporvis that, since the victim was his wife, it DID matter. Bert told Sporvis that he didn’t just have to represent Celeste, he had to find out if she was really innocent. Sporvis was worried that he wouldn’t get paid if Celeste was found guilty, but Bert threatened him with a Steve Martin reference: “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid.” This went right over Sporvis’ head.

Cecil had a nightmare over his shooting Dr. Weeds. Mad Dog came in to find out what the noise was all about. Cecil told him about the shooting and his feelings of guilt.

Mad Dog: “That’s humanity, creeping into your stone cold heart. DON’T LET IT IN!”

Vladimir and ShiShi were discussing the staging of some musical numbers for Vladimir’s band “Gulag.” Vladimir wanted a lot of pyrotechnics, but ShiShi was worried that that would be illegal. Vladimir’s surly reply: “Who cares about illegal?” ShiShi was concerned about Vladimir’s new “rebel without a pause” attitude.

Vladimir: “You know what your problem is?”
ShiShi: “Do you want them in alphabetical order, order of importance, or chronologically?”

Vladimir told ShiShi that her problem was that very attitude (“Stop blaming yourself. Start blaming others! I know I have!”). To demonstrate, Vladimir threw a candle and declared “Not my fault.”

Sporvis Narvell went to see Celeste in her cell. He asked her whether she killed Bitsy, and Celeste said “No.” Sporvis was greatly relieved, since that meant he could get her off. He told Celeste that Bert was paying him in Peppermint Altoids, so he’d need some additional compensation from her: “I’ll be putting my penis either in you or on you.” Disturbed by the freaky, perverted lawyer, Celeste demanded to talk to Bert.

The horribly wounded Dr. Weeds staggered back towards the Gregorio, swearing revenge on Cecil.

Sporvis Narvell nervously made his way to Tillie’s room and confronted her about the gun she gave Celeste.

Sporvis: “You know what they’d do if they found this in her cell?”
Tillie: “They’d be upset?”

Tillie got Sporvis to confess that he was Jewish. She tried to calm down the twitchy attorney by giving him a copy of “Power for Living,” which he then proceeded to rub against his crotch.

Dr. Weeds crawled back to the hotel and met Ebenezer at the entrance. Weeds told Ebenezer he’d been mortally wounded, and that he needed to get revenge on Cecil Caponé before he died. Since Ebenezer had sworn revenge on the entire Caponé family, their plans dovetailed perfectly.

Bert and Cecil had a meeting to discuss Dr. Weeds’ shooting. Cecil accused Bert of going soft, pointing out that HE had been the one who avenged Bitsy’s murder, while all Bert had done was hire a lawyer. Cecil suggested that maybe Bert’s time was over.

Bert: “Are you threatening me?”
Cecil: “I’m not so much threatening you as telling you what everyone else sees.”
Bert: “Goddammit, why don’t you threaten me? I thought you were getting some balls at last. You killed that cop, you shot Dr. Weeds, why don’t you threaten me?”
Cecil: “All right, Dad. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you!”
Bert: “My boy!”

They hugged.

ShiShi sang “I Am Woman” for Vladimir and Mad Dog. Afterwards, she tearfully informed them that she’d decided to leave the Gregorio. She’d come to the conclusion that she was stagnating (“I know it’s a big word, but that’s what’s happening”) and that she needed to follow a new path to find her way. Mad Dog gave her a jar of prunes for the road. To say farewell, ShiShi started singing “Tomorrow.” Dennis the vulture joined in, and Vladimir bashed his head against the bar to escape the wholesomeness.

In their cell, LaKweesha asked Celeste what she was in for. Celeste told her she was accused of murder, and LaKweesha said “Girl, you ain’t killed nobody.” Then LaKweesha made Celeste dance for her.

Dr. Weeds gleefully described Bitsy’s murder to Ebenezer, while Sporvis Narvell listened in at the door. Sporvis burst in, weilding Tillie’s gun in one hand and “Power for Living” in the other. Dr. Weeds tried to win Sporvis over to his side, promising to actually get him women if Celeste is convicted. Sporvis was torn between Weeds’ promise and Bert’s threat, but in the end his need to get laid overpowered his need for self-preservation.

Vladimir ran into Bert at the front desk. Bert talked to Vladimir about his new attitude and destructive actions.

Vladimir: “I set grease fire in kitchen, then sent temp worker to put it out with water.”
Bert: “Oh, that kills me. Kills him, too.”

Bert told Vladimir that he wanted the hotel “turned to ash or some other form of rubble.” Vladimir agreed. Bert gave him a painful handshake and told him to get a haircut.

ShiShi stopped by Tillie’s room to tell her she was leaving the hotel. Upset, Tillie told her to go ahead and leave: “Leave me to the crocodile guy and my porn career!” ShiShi left in tears.

Dr. Weeds ran into Bert in the hallway. They pulled their guns on each other. Suddenly, Cecil arrived and pulled guns on both of them. Then EVERYBODY arrived, most of them drawing guns. Everybody opened fire and everybody fell down.

TO BE CONTINUED…