Season 6, Episode 11: The Return of the King

Episode 11: The Return of the King

Possessed by the addled mind of King Plough, the body of Baron Üterrüs got hit on the head with a coconut. Plough’s mind was now returned to its full capabilities (such as they are), but was still trapped in the Baron’s body, and had no idea what was going on. Magic Jones explained about the body-switch, but Plough didn’t understand even after two days of explanation. Jones put Plough/Üterrüs under a spell of suspended animation to keep him out of trouble.

The demon Prick and Üterrüs/Plough were joking in the pub. Üterrüs dropped the pretense and revealed his true identity. He explained that he was upset because he was now enjoying more fame and power as King Plough than he ever had as himself, and he wanted to be recognized for who he really was. Prick suggested that Üterrüs could win greater support by doing GOOD things for the people. They came up with a plan to break into his subjects’ homes and leave gifts for them. To facilitate this plan, Prick would transform himself into a raindeer (a water elemental), and Baron Üterrüs would now be known as Ütüs Claus!

Francis of the Rock People informed Tarquin the Gangly that the revolution was cancelled because they just weren’t powerful enough to take on authority, even with Tarquin wielding the Bloodsword of Tallywhacker. When Tarquin pleaded with Francis not to give up the revolution, Francis confided that its “cancellation” was only a ruse…it’s only going underground.

Magic Jones called upon Queen Chambliss to bathe her. As he scrubbed her back (through her “bathing cape”), he asked whether she wasn’t carrying this demanding “queenly” behavior too far. When she ordered him to fetch the royal bedpan, he slapped her to bring her back to her senses. He suggested that she relax and take a vacation to a fairground.

Üterrüs/Plough was wandering through the woods when he came across the frozen Plough/ Üterrüs. When they came in contact, they were magically restored to their true bodies. Now back to normal, King Plough figured that the whole experience had been a prank by Magic Jones, like the time he planted an arrow in the privy and waited for Plough to sit down. Baron Üterrüs sympathized, since he too knew the pain of a weapon up the nether regions. Realizing that they had something in common, Plough suggested that they should hang out and get to know each other.

Tarquin and Chambliss were drinking in the pub, discussing her pregnancy. When Tarquin explained that he wanted to confirm whether the baby was actually his, Chambliss was offended.

CHAMBLISS: “You think I can’t get any man in this town I want?”
TARQUIN: “Oh, I know you can…and you have.”

When he explained about the curse of the Bloodsword, she urged him to go far away for the safety of her children, but he couldn’t bear to be apart from her.

Magic Jones and Prick met on the astral plane to discuss their plans for the holidays. Prick suggested that the kingdom institute a “Secret Santa” program.

Francis went to Linens Und Thïngs, asking Baron Üterrüs for his old job back. When the Baron asked about the revolution, Francis feigned ignorance. Üterrüs offered his services to the revolution, but Francis informed him that the revolution was against both Üterrüs and Plough. As Francis made a speech about the revolution, Baron Üterrüs pointed out that Francis had now joined the side of evil…he may have started the revolution with good intentions, but he was now after power for himself.

King Plough and Baron Üterrüs went to the pub for some drinking and male bonding. Üterrüs revealed that he was many centuries old, and told Plough the story of his lost love Ilsabetta. After their night of love, the Baron discovered that Ilsabetta was promised to another, and that her husband went on to raise the Baron’s child himself. Yes, Baron Üterrüs was King Plough’s great-great-etc.-grandfather!

Chambliss Tucker, carrying a small dead pig, found Prick (now with raindeer antlers on his head) floating in the woods. Prick explained that he had left the pig in her stocking as a gift for her. She told him that what she really wanted was for her unborn children to be safe. Prick agreed to become her protector.

Magic Jones went to Francis’ cave and told him about the Secret Santa program to spread holiday cheer. Francis wanted no part of commercialism or the holiday season, so Jones showed Francis what the world would be like if he’d never existed. There was no difference whatsoever.

Freaked out by the curse, Tarquin the Gangly sang a song of lust to a tree.

Chambliss went to Linens Und Thïngs to ask Baron Üterrüs for a favor. The Baron harangued her about the way she had abandoned the pub, and was just letting people come in and pour their own drinks without paying. Nevertheless, Chambliss still pleaded with him to send her back to her own time. The Baron sensed the foetuses inside her, then broke down and asked why she had been with every man except him. She explained that it wouldn’t be right because he was her boss, plus he was really scary. He asked her to make him over into the man she could want, and she accepted.

Prick confronted Tarquin about the elf’s plan to cut out Chambliss’ babies. Tarquin protested that it was the Bloodsword’s curse, not himself, that sought to harm her. Suddenly, the Bloodsword spoke to Tarquin in a redneck accent. The sword asked why Tarquin was displeased with the power it had given him.

TARQUIN: “Did you ever stop to think I don’t WANT to kill my own babies?”
BLOODSWORD: “Hell, no, I’m just a bloody sword! How would I know that?”

The sword taunted Tarquin, boasting that the illiterate elf would never figure out how to lift the curse. However, Prick had heard the sword as well, and informed Tarquin that the sword could be destroyed by being hurled into the depths of Mount Poop.

Magic Jones cast a rhyming spell to call forth an ice storm. King Plough entered and challenged the wizard to a rapping contest. King Plough won by rhyming “orange” with “door hinge.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 10: Skip and a Jump Away

Episode 10: Skip and a Jump Away

Kalgon was cutting down trees to make pamphlets to spread the word of the revolution, when Tarquin the Gangly arrived, ordering him to stop (since Tarquin thought the whole point of the revolution was to stop the King from destroying the forest in the first place). Tarquin saved a tree by blocking Kalgon’s axe with the Bloodsword of Thogroth.

Chambliss Tucker sat in the castle, preparing to sing about her tortured heart.

Magic Jones and Francis of the Rock People were relaxing in the pub. Jones explained that he was too busy with work to join the revolution. Francis proposed a united force of workers where everybody could work equally hard, or equally not hard. Jones was intrigued by this “union” idea.

Chambliss finally sang her song, which consisted of the single word “Gone.” Hearing that one note, her husband Skip climbed up the trellis to visit her. Skip told her how upset he was that she’d been sleeping around and that she had forgotten how he had always provided for her. She retorted with a rant about how boring her suburban life had been.

The demon Prick found an assortment of magic potions in the back room of Linens Und Thïngs, and decided to have some fun by rearranging them. Suddenly, Kalgon rushed in. Kalgon revealed that he couldn’t join the revolution because he had to take care of Chambliss’ baby. Prick asked Kalgon to consider which was more important: individual freedom or responsibility to others. By the end of the discussion, they were both incredibly confused.

Magic Jones went to Chambliss, concerned by the absence of both King Plough and Baron Üterrüs. However, Chambliss was more concerned by her pregnancy, rumors of which had spread through Kalgon’s tabloids. Chambliss asked Jones to perform a mystical scan of her belly to determine just who fathered her baby. Jones cast the spell, then replied that she should have said “babIES.”

Francis was outside the pub when Friar Kack walked by. Francis greeted his “old friend” warmly, but Kack revealed that he was not the same Kack that Francis knew. Kack explained that all the Friars of Kack Island have the same name and look identical (all being spawned from the Kack Sack). He had come to investigate the disappearance of the other Friar Kack, who had not come home for Kackgiving.

After his argument with Chambliss, Skip Tucker was imprisoned in stocks in the dungeon. He reflected on how he had taken Chambliss for granted, and sang a song about his insensitivity.

Tarquin stood guard by a tree, pondering whether to mark it as being protected in the name of the king or of the revolution. He decided to compromise by marking it “Reserved for ham sandwich.” Suddenly, the tree fell over due to Tarquin using the Bloodsword to write the message. Tarquin realized that the sword killed everything it touched (apart from himself, King Plough, Üterrüs, and maybe a few more exceptions). Kalgon arrived, and they discovered a rock with an inscription revealing how to cure Tarquin’s curse. (“In order to remove the bloodlust, you must find the one for whom you did lust, and take out that which was inside.”) Realizing that Tarquin would have to cut the baby from Chambliss’ womb, Kalgon swore to stop him.

Francis and Kack sat by the campfire, planning a dinner meeting for all the revolutionaries. Hearing word of a dinner meeting, the demon Prick arrived in search of Bundt cake. Seeing Friar Kack, Prick was pained by the sight of Kack’s religious symbol.

Magic Jones was barbecuing his specialty dish of cowduckephant (a duck stuffed inside a cow stuffed inside an elephant) when he heard Skip Tucker weeping in the corridor. Jones invited Skip in, and they started talking about Skip’s own era. Skip didn’t like life in his own time, but Jones warned him that he was needed there…plus, he was in grave danger as long as he remained there. Jones opened an interdimensional portal. Reluctantly, Skip agreed to go home, and Jones gave him a portion of cowduckephant for the journey.

SKIP: “Tell Chambliss I don’t care how many hyenas or whatever she sleeps with, I’ll still love her.”

With that, Skip jumped through the portal.

Chambliss was at the pub, disguised as a peasant wench to hide from the tabloids. As Magic Jones welcomed her, Kalgon arrived and started discussing Skip’s departure. Not recognizing Chambliss, Kalgon expressed great relief that Skip was gone, then started insulting him mercilessly. Jones and Kalgon went out for a ham sandwich, leaving Chambliss alone. Tarquin entered, and Chambliss revealed her identity. Tarquin told her what he had learned about his curse. She suggested that, if he waited eight months, he could perform a C-section, thus fulfilling the terms of the enchantment without actually harming her or the babies. Chambliss picked up the Bloodsword and admired it. As soon as Tarquin warned her about its curse, she collapsed.

Friar Kack went to Linens Und Thïngs to pick up some supplies for the revolution. Finding nobody there, Kack took what he needed. Kack’s deity voiced his disapproval with a thunderstorm.

Prick informed Francis that his greatest dream was…to sing. Prick sang a beautiful, happy song about his life in Hell. Prick wanted no part of fighting or violence, so he walked away from the revolution. As Prick left, the guilt-ridden Friar Kack arrived. His god relieved his conscience by sending down a receipt for what he had taken. Kalgon then arrived, having decided to join the revolution after all. As they gave thanks for their blessings, Tarquin came by and was stunned to see another Friar Kack. They fought.

At the castle, Magic Jones was preparing cowduckephant soup when he sensed the death of Friar Kack. Chambliss Tucker crawled in, explaining that she might be dying from having touched the Bloodsword. Jones urged her to try the healing power of the soup.

Prick was floating merrily through the forest when he encountered a group of Rainbow People. They exchanged greetings of peace and love, and one of the Rainbow People placed an illicit substance on Prick’s tongue.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 8: The Old Switcheroo

Episode 8: The Old Switcheroo

Having killed Friar Kack to protect herself, Chambliss Tucker was cleaning the brain matter up at the pub when Magic Jones entered. Jones noticed that Chambliss was wearing King Plough’s crown, and she explained that she’d taken it off his head and declared herself queen, since Plough was in no condition to rule. Jones asked if she had married the King, and she replied that she had, although Plough might not remember it. Jones warned her that the King might not want her as his queen when he recovers, but agreed to support her in the meantime.

Kalgon paid a visit to the cave of Francis of the Rock People (who had put on a great deal of weight). Kalgon explained that he wanted to rule for the good of the people, not for his own ambition; Kalgon loved his father, but needed to kill him for the greater good. They talked about the way Chambliss had seized the crown while they were both fighting over it. Kalgon noticed that people were interested in the new Queen, and suggested that there was a market for news of her doings. Francis realized that they could take Chambliss down with gossip.

The demon Prick brought the mentally-challenged King Plough to Baron Üterrüs. The Baron realized that the King was no longer in possession of his faculties…meaning that Üterrüs could possess Plough’s faculties himself!

At the castle, Magic Jones was performing a spell to relieve his angina, when an unexpected side-effect occurred: A hole opened in the space-time continuum, and Chambliss’ husband Skip Tucker suddenly appeared before him. When Jones introduced himself, Skip assumed that he’d somehow wandered into a Renaissance Festival, and decided to play along.

Kalgon visited Chambliss Tucker in her Lincoln Navigator. Kalgon jotted down notes about what Chambliss was wearing and drinking, then asked her what was the hardest part of being Queen (her reply: “Getting started.”). Kalgon decided that he’d gotten enough, and left.

Francis went to Linens Und Thïngs and met Prick. Francis asked Prick whether his rights were being respected. Prick didn’t understand this political talk, but when Francis explained what oppression was, Prick realized that he was indeed oppressed. Francis asked Prick what his dream was, and Prick replied that his heart’s desire was his own apartment, with a futon and a lamp of lava. Francis assured him that he had the right to realize that dream.

Baron Üterrüs brought King Plough up to Skank Mountain to perform the spell of possession. To prepare him for the spell, the Baron sang Plough to sleep with a sweet, sensitive lullaby about buttercups and rainbows. Once Plough was asleep, Üterrüs banished the happy music and began the spell.

Kalgon asked Magic Jones for access to the royal printing press, where he printed the first edition of his new tabloid, “Sure Talksalot.” Kalgon and Jones reminisced about old times and their ever-changing relationship.

KALGON: “Remember when we were teenagers, and we’d dress up in women’s clothes, just for fun? Y’know?”

Skip Tucker was wandering through the woods when he encountered Baron Üterrüs, whose body was now possessed by King Plough’s mind. Üterrüs/Plough offered to lead Skip to where the elf lives. Thinking he’d encountered a mentally challenged RenFest participant, Skip humored him.

Meanwhile, King Plough’s body, possessed by Üterrüs’ mind, visited Chambliss Tucker. Chambliss was amazed by Plough’s miraculous recovery, not to mention his new accent. Their conversation was interrupted when they heard Kalgon nailing his new tabloid to the door. Kalgon left before they came out and discovered the front page, featuring a naked drawing of Chambliss leaning on the hood of her car. Chambliss was aghast, protesting that she tries never to be naked if she can help it. Plough/Üterrüs swore vengeance on whomever had offended his love.

Francis led Prick to the apartment of his dreams, complete with a lamp of lava and an imp-sized futon. Moved by Francis’ dedication and generosity, Prick agreed to join him in the fight for the oppressed masses. Prick gave their movement a name (“Serfs Up”) and a motto (“I am a minion! I have an opinion!”).

Kalgon was posting the tabloid outside the castle when Skip Tucker came by and recognized the woman on the front page. (“Chambliss is here, and posing for erotic woodcuts!”) Kalgon filled Skip in on what had happened to Chambliss, but most of it went over Skip’s head. Kalgon put on his enchanted mask (last seen in episode 1) and told Skip to seek out Chambliss in the castle. When Kalgon removed the mask, Skip did not remember the conversation, but still followed his command.

King Plough/Baron Üterrüs went to see Magic Jones, explaining that he had been hit on the head once again, thus restoring his mind. However, Jones quickly saw through the ruse, recognizing Üterrüs’ accent and attitude in Plough’s body. Jones swore to use his newfound power of the press to expose the impostor and then switch them back.

Francis and Prick found Üterrüs/Plough in the forest, and attacked the “oppressor.” They were taken aback when the voice of the mentally challenged king emerged from the baron’s body. Francis realized what had happened, and they decided to make Üterrüs/Plough part of their movement; they would fight for the rights of the retarded as well as the proletariat. While Francis and Prick discussed this, Üterrüs/Plough wandered off.

Chambliss Tucker was in the throne room, plotting revenge on Kalgon, when her husband Skip came in. They had a tearful reunion, and she explained what had happened to her. Skip was upset that she’d thrown herself so wholeheartedly into this Renaissance Festival act. A unicorn wandered into the room, and Skip finally realized that this wasn’t a RenFest. The portal to Skip & Chambliss’ own time opened, and Skip begged her to come back to her family. When Chambliss couldn’t bring herself to leave, Skip agreed to stay with her. The unicorn went through the portal instead.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 7: Something Pricky This Way Comes

Episode 7: Something Pricky This Way Comes

Mortally injured by a blow to the head, King Plough lay dying on the battlefield when Francis of the Rock People brought him the enchanted alabaster sword. As the sword was placed in Plough’s hand, its magicks instantly brought him back from the brink of death. However, as soon as he opened his mouth, it became apparent that the sword had not healed the damage to his brain.

Magic Jones held a ceremony to reward Tarquin the Gangly for his bravery in combat, although the actual award (whatever form it may take) was not ready yet. Tarquin confessed that he was now constantly filled with rage and bloodlust, and Jones prescribed some new medicine for him to smoke. Tarquin’s condition was only partially remedied…he still felt an unquenchable urge to kill, but at least he wasn’t angry about it anymore.

At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs informed Chambliss Tucker that he was thinking of diversifying his business interests, and was going to open a pub (or, as he pronounced it, a püb) called “The Poisoned Patron.” Chambliss agreed to run the püb on the condition that Üterrüs learn to pronounce it correctly.

Left alone in the aftermath of the battle, Francis was reflecting on his solitude when he remembered the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!” Friar Kack immediately arrived in answer to the summons. Francis informed Kack that the king’s condition had left them without a leader. Friar Kack revealed that he had gazed into the future using the Kack Ring, and had foreseen that Francis would become a great leader. He had also seen that a new menace would soon come to the kingdom…something even worse than the orcs.

Magic Jones and Prince Kalgon were discussing what to do about King Plough’s sudden retardation. Jones wanted to re-educate the king and restore him to his former self. However, Kalgon wondered whether it was worth keeping an incompetent monarch in power, when it would be so much easier for an “unfortunate accident” to free up the throne for a more capable leader. Jones warned Kalgon that “Those that get too greedy might find themselves on the short end of the greedy stick.”

Baron Üterrüs was up on Skank Mountain, preparing a pentagram to summon a demon.

ÜTERRÜS: “While I am conquering the world fiscally, my demon will be conquering the world physically! Ah, wordplay!”

While Üterrüs was rummaging for the spell’s final ingredient, King Plough wandered through unnoticed, disrupting the pentagram. After Plough wandered off again, Üterrüs returned to his spell, unaware of the damage Plough had done. The Baron summoned forth the greatest, most powerful demon in hell…and was answered by the sudden appearance of a small, floating red imp. This was not quite as impressive as Üterrüs had expected. The creature introduced itself as the demon Prick. The Baron asked Prick to go forth and confirm the reports that the king was ill. Misunderstanding, the demon set out to find out whether the king was an eel.

Francis and Friar Kack journeyed to Castle Post to nominate Francis as the interim King while Plough is incapacitated. Friar Kack informed Francis that he had consulted with his fellow friars, and that they had decreed that the quest for vengeance on the slayer of the dragon Schmegma took precedence over their obedience to Francis. So, although they would still obey Francis, they still had to kill somebody. Since Francis didn’t realize they were talking about Chambliss, he accepted that. King Plough wandered by, followed by Magic Jones. Francis demanded the throne from Jones, warning him that he would take it by force if necessary.

Kalgon snuck into the new pub, where Chambliss greeted him as her first customer offered him a drink of red stuff (“This might be the blood of something!”). Kalgon explained that Plough was unable to rule, but that nobody could succeed him as long as he still lived. Kalgon claimed that his previous reluctance to accept the crown was only an act, that he was secretly eager to become king. Chambliss was upset by this news, since Plough had promised her that she could be his queen. As they argued, King Plough wandered in unnoticed and drank the red stuff.

Tarquin and his ox Thacko were hunting tree-rats inside Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator, when Tarquin was suddenly alerted by a strange noise coming from an odd instrument. Picking up Chambliss’ cell phone, Tarquin was puzzled by the mysterious voices coming from it…the voices of Chambliss’ husband and children. Not knowing what to make of the strange device, Tarquin decided to take it back to Chambliss.

Baron Üterrüs visited Magic Jones and mocked Jones’ fading powers. Üterrüs recalled how Jones had been his teacher many centuries ago, and they had a flashback to Üterrüs’ childhood. When the young Üterrüs asked to learn about evil wizards and dark magicks, Jones reluctantly agreed that it could be useful to learn evil magic in order to guard against it. Back in the present, Üterrüs pointed out that Jones was thus responsible for sending him down the path of evil.

Francis and Kalgon confronted each other about their ambitions to become the new king. Kalgon argued that the throne was his by right of blood, while Francis insisted that it was his by decree of the monks of Kack Island. The argument went on and on, with neither one budging an inch.

The demon Prick encountered the mentally challenged King Plough wandering through the woods. Prick asked if Plough was the king, but Plough couldn’t remember. Plough showed Prick the dead cat he had found at the side of the road, and Prick suggested that they play a game of “Eat the Cat.” (Prick won.) Prick was impressed that Plough showed no fear of him, and asked Plough to be his friend. Since Prick had just eaten Plough’s only other friend, Plough agreed.

Chambliss was tending bar when Friar Kack came in, explaining that he was looking for the slayer of Schmegma the dragon. Chambliss tried to convince him that Schmegma had died of natural causes, but eventually admitted that she had killed it. As Kack prepared to take his vengeance, Tarquin rushed in to give Chambliss her cell phone. Seeing Chambliss in danger, Tarquin knocked Kack out, then chained him to the wall until they could decide what to do with him.

TO BE CONTINUED…