Season 5, Episode 28: How the West Was Done

The final episode of Season 5!

Episode 28: How the West Was Done

Brigham Young and Jesus Christ were playing horseshoes. Brigham confided that, since his old feelings for Red Clay had returned, he had begun to doubt his divine mission to found the Mormons. Jesus replied that, now that the Mormons were up and running, Brigham’s mission was complete and he was now free to follow his own path.

BRIGHAM: “So my obligation to God is done? I can be an old silly gay man here in Atlanta?”
JESUS: “There’s no better place to be an old silly gay man!”

Red Clay communed with his Chipapoo ancestors by the campfire. Red Clay explained that he was torn between his feelings for Brigham and his feelings for Constance. The spirits explained that Red Clay was “bi-curious.” Since Red Clay had both the teats of a woman and the man-root of a man, the spirits ordered him to make a choice and chop off one or the other with his tomahawk. Red Clay protested that the situation was not that simple…he wanted to love Constance as a woman, and Brigham as a man. (“Red Clay DOUBLE-gay!”) The spirits informed him that, if this is the path he must follow, they could not accompany him.

Roswell Diabolicus was playing with a few of his indestructible babies when Constance arrived. Despite their invulnerability, Constance was concerned with the way Roswell was treating them. She offered to bring them up as invincible good people. Just to get her out of the castle, Roswell agreed to let her raise two of the children her way, knowing that two indestructible good babies would be no match for his army of indestructible evil babies.

At the schoolhouse, Will McGotnuthin finished up his lesson about zebras. He then realized that he’d taught the children everything in the encyclopedia, so there was nothing left to teach them. Realizing that they now knew everything, the kids ran out, singing “School’s Out!” Madeline arrived, surprised to find Will back in town. He told her that he’d come back for her. He apologized for leaving town before, but explained that his sisters would have killed Madeline if he’d stayed.

MADELINE: “Really, Will, you think I couldn’t defend myself against three actresses?”
WILL: “It does sound kind of silly in retrospect.”

Will explained his desperation by telling Madeline the origin of his family name…they were called “McGotnuthin” because they had nothing…they were poor and Scottish. Will asked Madeline to be his committed life partner. Because he was a progressive kind of guy, he would never ask Madeline to take his name…instead, he offered to combine their names into “McGot-Clementine.” Madeline joyfully accepted, and told Will that he did indeed “got Clementine.”

Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean were hauling a deer carcass off the road, as Jean bragged that the baby army would soon be littering the streets with many more carcasses. Ass took a stand against Jean’s plans, and they sang a duet titled “You’re Either With Trapper Jean or Against Him.” When the song ended, Jean tried to persuade Ass to join him. Jean explained that they could rule together once the babies had done all the dirty work. There was no danger of the babies themselves taking over, since they had been genetically programmed with only a one-year lifespan.

JEAN: “They are replicants!”
ASS: “I’m sure that’s referrin’ to somethin’ I don’t know about.”

Red Clay took Constance to the general store, where he explained that he’d read that certain types of weed-killer can turn frogs into hermaphrodites. With that, Red Clay drank the weed-killer, so that he could become both male and female and satisfy both his lovers.

CONSTANCE: “Red Clay, I liked you the way you were!”
RED CLAY: “Oops.”

Will McGotnuthin paid a visit to Brigham Young’s new residence, the Casa de la Leisure. Brigham apologized for returning to Little One Point after promising to leave for good. They realized that they had to work together once again to fight the army of indestructible evil babies, but then Brigham would REALLY leave this time.

Roswell Diabolicus and Trapper Jean proudly surveyed the carnage their army had wrought. Roswell informed Jean that this may have been his last evil deed. Roswell was about to have a final showdown with his brother, Jesus Christ. If Roswell didn’t survive, he wanted Jean to build a monument of evil in his name…a Gap or a Wal-Mart, perhaps. Jean suggested a Starbucks as the ultimate shrine of evil.

Will McGotnuthin and Madeline Clementine prepared for their commitment ceremony. Will explained that they would seal their relationship with a blood oath. They each cut their palms and clasped hands, then sang “Joined by the Hemoglobin”…their first duet as Will and Madeline McGot-Clementine.

Red Clay went to the Casa de la Leisure, and informed Brigham that he had made a decision. Now that he was a hermaphrodite, he suggested a three-way marriage between Brigham, Red Clay, and Constance. Brigham stunned Red Clay by refusing. Brigham explained that he had divorced all 27 of his wives by sending a telegraph to Utah. Just as Brigham had forsaken all others, he needed Red Clay to be equally monogamous.

Roswell Diabolicus and Jesus Christ faced off for their showdown. They would have a duel of waters, with Jesus armed with Holy Water and Roswell armed with Unholy Water (also known as Coca-Cola). They would swig a mouthful of their respective weapons, take ten paces, turn, and spit. Before they began, Jesus apologized for not being a better brother to Roswell. Roswell appeared touched that Jesus showed compassion for him, and always looked for the good in even the most evil man…then Roswell started ranting about how much he HATED that goodness! As Roswell raved, Jesus suddenly spit a mouthful of Holy Water at Roswell. Roswell melted, leaving only his hat and beard in a heap on the ground. With Roswell defeated, Jesus called the army of indestructible babies. Jesus pulled out the Chipapoo kazoo (the instrument for which Red Clay’s people had traded their land) and called for the babies to follow him out to the sea. Jesus started playing “The Rose” as he led the army out of Little One Point.

Five years later, Brigham Young and Red Clay reflected on their turmoil-filled past, and the peaceful, happy family existence they now led.

BRIGHAM: “I’ve fathered 111 children with my 27 wives, but I never liked any of them. These I had with you…A-OK.”

As the sun set on Little One Point, Ass Masterson left us all with one final piece of wisdom. Damned if I could figure it out, though.

THE END

Season 5, Episode 27: Look! Up in the Sky!

Episode 27: Look! Up in the Sky!

Constance Snell turned the keys to Jed’s Saloon over to Red Clay, since she would be too busy with her new duties as mayor to run the bar. Red Clay apologized for stealing the bar away from her while he was in his guise as Titsy McJugpuddles. They had an awkward discussion about the attraction between Constance and “Titsy,” and now neither one of them was sure of their sexuality. On top of that, Red Clay informed Constance that he had gone to retrieve the treaty granting him ownership of Little One Point, but found a rude note in its place. He asked Constance to help him get the treaty back. Constance was uncertain until Red Clay made up her mind by shoving his breasts in her face.

Ass Masterson was teaching the class about the first man to climb Mt. Everest, although the lesson was disrupted by one kid’s protests about the teacher’s seatless pants. Suddenly, Will McGotnuthin returned, and the children were delighted to see their old teacher. Ass was equally overjoyed, because he’d fallen in love with Will during the McGotnuthin family’s rape & robbing spree. Will protested that the rape was just a standard part of the family’s MO, and that there wasn’t any emotional factor involved. Will then explained that they couldn’t have a future together because Will loved Ass’ sister Madeline. Ass agreed not to come between them, and took comfort in the fact that perhaps their relationship will answer his prayer to become an uncle.

At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was contemplating his evil plans. (“Now that there are only two episodes left, it’s time for me to actually start DOING something!”) With Trapper Jean at his side, Roswell addressed the people of Little One Point using a giant megaphone. He informed the populace that he had fired the Rhode Island Cannon into the air, and that if his demands weren’t met, the Rhode Island-sized cannonball would come straight down upon the town in one hour. When someone asked how he would stop the cannonball if his demands WERE met, Roswell irritably explained that he would fire the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island cannonball to deflect the original shot. The evil duo then issued their terms: Constance must turn over the mayoral office to Trapper Jean, Jesus Christ must be handed over to Roswell, and the indestructible baby must be given to Jean.

Unaware of the evil goings-on, Jesus Christ and Brigham Young were organizing a bake sale. Brigham wondered whether he should get back in touch with his ex-lover Red Clay, and Jesus explained the “three days” rule of calling back. Jesus then lectured Brigham about his reckless handling of the baby (“He’s indestructible, but he still needs love!”). Suddenly, the Rhode Island cannonball blocked out the sun, and Jesus and Brigham speculated about the cause of the mysterious sudden darkness.

BRIGHAM: “There’s only one person who could do this…your brother.”
JESUS: “I have a brother?!”

Desperate to hang on to her power, Constance tried to swap clothes with Ass Masterson to fool Trapper Jean. Ass refused to participate in the foolish plan, and told Constance that if her office truly meant anything to her, she would do what was best for the town by surrendering her mayoral sash. (“This piece of paper isn’t your dream. Your dream is your dream. Dream it!”) Constance called out to Roswell that she was giving in to his demands, but she had one piece of legislation to enact before she leaves office. With that, she outlawed the Rhode Island Cannon. Roswell simply replied that now he wouldn’t be able to deflect the cannonball, but Ass protested that she HADN’T outlawed the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island Cannon.

Despite the impending doom, Brigham Young took a nap with the baby in his arms. Trapper Jean sneaked in and stole the baby, leaving a bobcat in Brigham’s arms. Brigham woke up, but Jean started singing a lullaby to him. Brigham warned Jean that only death would keep him from hunting Jean down to reclaim his son. Then Brigham fell asleep.

JEAN: “Aw, look at him…so sweet…so innocent. If I was smart, I’d shoot him in the face right now. But I scored low on my SAT’s.”

Constance held a meeting with Will McGotnuthin and Ass Masterson, trying to figure out how to foil Roswell’s plans. She realized that the only skill she had to use against them was whoring.

WILL: “Are you suggesting you go up there and sex him into submission?”

Red Clay stopped by the general store to buy moccasins, and found Brigham Young working at his old job. Brigham explained that his baby was missing, and apologized for sleeping with so many women during their separation. Brigham and Red Clay sang a tender ballad of forgiveness, then resolved to work together to retrieve Brigham’s baby.

Jesus Christ went to Castle Gayskull to meet his long-lost brother. Roswell invited Jesus in, then strapped him down to the seat. Roswell explained his life story…15 years after Jesus’ birth, Mary had a second child with her husband Joseph. The sickly infant hermaphrodite had no way of living up to his messianic half-brother, and grew up unwanted and abandoned. However, the residual divine power in his DNA made him immortal and indestructible. Jealous of Jesus, Roswell disguised himself as a Roman soldier…yes, Roswell was the one who stabbed Jesus with a spear upon the cross. Over the centuries, Roswell tried to ruin Jesus’ reputation by committing evil in his name. The Crusades? Roswell’s idea. And now, the time had come for Roswell’s greatest plan. Roswell explained that Jesus bore the words “Love” and “Love” upon his buttocks, while Roswell’s read “Hate-Hate.” Now, centuries of cross-breeding have produced indestructible beings with “Love-Hate” on their asses…the half-good, half-evil super-babies who will form Roswell’s army. Jesus questioned the usefulness of an army of morally conflicted, neutral warriors, but Roswell explained that his influence will overcome their good side. Having heard enough of Roswell’s evil plans, Jesus burst free from his bonds…and was shot repeatedly by Trapper Jean.

JEAN: “Well, we’re goin’ to Hell NOW!”

Constance and Brigham met up on the way to Castle Gayskull, and they decided to launch their attacks together. When they arrived, Roswell showed them another element of his plan…he had once again stolen Constance’s original fantastic vagina, and was using it to produce baby after baby after baby. Roswell informed them that Brigham’s son was in the “child accelerator” in the other room, and would soon emerge, grown to adulthood in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, Jesus’ voice whispered to Brigham, instructing Brigham to place Jesus’ body in the accelerator and set it to age him three days. Constance strapped Roswell and Jean into their chairs, enabling Brigham to carry out Jesus’ plan. Jesus emerged from the accelerator more powerful than ever, then flew off into the sky and destroyed the Rhode Island Cannonball.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 26: The Wedding Package

Episode 26: The Wedding Package

Brigham Young and Titsy McJugpuddles were opening the presents at their wedding shower. As his present, Jesus Christ used his brand-new magic lasso (part of the new powers he’d gained when he came back at Easter) to make them reveal their true feelings for each other.

TITSY: “Well, I don’t really know you that well, but you seem kind of sweet, and you give me nice things.”
BRIGHAM: “It IS love!”

Brigham then gave Titsy a gaudily-jeweled broach. Under the lasso’s power, Titsy confessed that she didn’t like the broach, but accepted it as a symbol of Brigham’s love.

Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory at the general store when the newly-elected Mayor Constance Snell arrived with a proposal. Since Roswell is such a brilliant scientist, she wanted him to be the town’s doctor. When Roswell expressed uncertainty, Constance clarified that it wasn’t an offer, but an order. She informed Roswell that if he refused, she would run him out of town, take over Castle Gayskull, and redecorate.

Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean threw a bachelor party for Brigham Young. Titsy, being the only exotic dancer in town, was the entertainment, but Brigham couldn’t watch because it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. Brigham told Titsy that he didn’t want her to dance for other men anymore. She agreed to let Brigham be her sole customer.

BRIGHAM: “From now on, you’ll only take off your clothes for me…and maybe the neighbors if we’re feeling kinky.”

Madeline Clementine was sitting by the campfire, lamenting her fate of being “always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” Jesus Christ came by, pushing his invisible stagecoach (another of his new gifts). Jesus healed her wounded foot (where she had been shot by Roswell Diabolicus), but explained that she had to heal her emotional wounds herself. Jesus assured her that Will would come to his senses, escape his sisters’ evil clutches, and return to her. Madeline decided that she couldn’t wait that long, and resolved to find Will and shake some wise-up into him.

Constance and Madeline threw a bachelorette party for Titsy, with Madeline’s brother Ass Masterson working as the stripper. As Ass did a lap-dance for Titsy, Constance protested about the lewdness. Madeline told the mayor that she was off the clock and needed to loosen up. They sat Constance down so Ass could give her a lap-dance.

The next day, the big moment arrived. The wedding began, with Jesus Christ performing the ceremony. When Jesus asked “If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace,” the bride surprised everybody by raising her hand. Titsy explained that she and Brigham were, in fact, already married. With that, Titsy removed her wig and revealed her true identity…Brigham’s long-believed-dead gay lover Red Clay!

Later, Red Clay sat by the campfire to commune with his ancestral spirits. He had abandoned his disguise and returned to his traditional Chipapoo garb (though he still had the enormous breasts). Red Clay explained that, when he was shot, he didn’t die, but went into a coma. He woke up shortly afterwards and devised a new plan to get his people’s land back. He went to New York, where he perfected his disguise by studying diction, dance, and acting (also landing a part in “The Fantasticks”). He then went to Amsterdam to get his new boobs, but had now returned to reclaim Little One Point.

Trapper Jean was handing over the mayor’s office to Constance, showing her where everything was (including the secret stash of booze). Constance thanked Jean, and offered him a job repairing the wagon-wheel ruts in the road. Jean warned her that being mayor is a difficult job, and that she’d have to tell people things they don’t want to hear. As an example, they decided to enact prohibition, starting with their own secret stash. They drank a toast to prohibition…or, rather, Jean drank while Constance watched. Jean started feeling dizzy, then collapsed into a chair. He realized that Constance had found the stash already and drugged it. Constance took Jean’s gun and ordered him to be her little French slave.

Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine were discussing Red Clay’s unexpected return. Even though Brigham had shattered Madeline’s heart into millions of pieces (“a fine powder of heart”), she still sympathized with his dilemma. Brigham confessed that Red Clay’s return had filled him with doubt about his mission. Madeline pointed out that his mission had brought him great wisdom, pointing out how dumb Brigham used to be.

BRIGHAM: “I was dumb…like poop in a bucket.”
MADELINE: “Exactly! You were so dumb, you used to say things like that!”

Madeline sang a song of encouragement to Brigham, and he joined in.

Ass Masterson delivered a package to Castle Gayskull. Roswell informed Ass that the package pertained to him. After explaining that both Ass and the baby owed their invulnerability to their relation to Jesus Christ through Roswell (who, you may remember, was recently revealed to be Jesus’ brother). Roswell showed Ass the contents of the package…a letter revealing the existence of Ass’ long-lost twin brother, a cowboy who wears his pants with the front cut out…Sack Masterson!

In Will’s absence, Jesus was teaching the children from the Book of Knowledge. Red Clay entered, and Jesus explained to the children how the white man had mistreated Red Clay’s people. Red Clay was touched by Jesus’ knowledge and sympathy. After Jesus dismissed the class, Red Clay explained that he needed to get his people’s land back, but knew no other path than that of bloodshed. Jesus suggested that Red Clay could turn the land into an outdoor theater to re-enact the history of the Chipapoo tribe, using poorly-paid white actors…the perfect way of educating the white man AND getting revenge on them at the same time!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 25: The Long Good Friday

Episode 25: The Long Good Friday

Since Will McGotnuthin had left town with his sisters, Constance Snell was teaching the class about Good Friday (despite her own lack of education). Titsy McJugpuddles entered and panicked at the sight of Constance (remembering their vicious catfight from Episode 22). Constance was surprised that Titsy was still going on about that incident. Constance explained that she had found Jesus, let go of the past, and forgiven Titsy for stealing the bar.

TITSY: “So what you’re saying is, you forgive me for repeatedly mashing my face into your fists?”

Titsy eventually forgave Constance, and they hugged. The embrace went on longer than was comfortable.

Brigham Young returned from Utah and paid a visit to the general store. Jesus Christ emerged from the restroom and was surprised by how much Brigham had changed. For Brigham, 40 years had passed, while only a few weeks had gone by in Little One Point. Jesus told Brigham that He needed to hide, because bad things always happen to Him on Good Friday. Brigham offered to help Jesus hide (“I have 27 wives. No one knows more about disguises than me”), if Jesus would help Brigham get his son back.

Trapper Jean was lounging around, forcing the mind-controlled Roswell Diabolicus to wait on him hand and foot. Jean ordered Roswell to change the baby’s diapers, but Roswell did such a bad job that Jean decided to do it himself. As he undressed the baby, he discovered the words “Love” and “Hate” written on the baby’s bottom.

Madeline Clementine and her brother, Ass Masterson, were still recuperating from the shock of the McGotnuthin sisters robbing them and raping Ass. Madeline told Ass that she needed his help reclaiming her badge from Roswell Diabolicus. Ass was somewhat distracted because he felt naked without his hat.

Jesus Christ paid a visit to Constance Snell, who has distraught over the strange feelings she’d developed when Titsy hugged her. She thought that perhaps becoming mayor would keep her too busy for these homosexual urges. Jesus told her that He didn’t object to anybody being gay, as long as they had love and not just lust in their hearts. He also offered to help her throw a campaign fund-raiser, supplying wine, loaves and fishes for refreshments.

Brigham Young went to the bar and met Titsy McJugpuddles. He asked Titsy to help him spread the word of Mormonism by using her feminine charms to lure converts. Titsy feared that she wouldn’t be accepted, but Brigham urged her to follow her heart. Brigham balanced a Bible on Titsy’s breasts, and she was amazed by how right it felt.

Constance and Trapper Jean held a debate at City Hall. Constance told the voters that Little One Point needed a mayor who knows the city, speaks the language, and didn’t kill the previous mayor. Trapper Jean reminded everybody that, as far as they knew, Hop Hop simply left town. He then argued that Constance shouldn’t be mayor because she’s a woman, and women can’t even vote. Constance turned the all-male voter pool to her advantage by promising free blowjobs if she’s elected.

Having been brought up on her family history, the amnesiac Madeline paid a visit to her biological father, Roswell Diabolicus. As they conversed, Madeline snatched the badge away from him. As she congratulated herself on her feat, Roswell shot her in the foot.

Brigham and Titsy were having a conversation over ice cream. She confessed that “Titsy McJugpuddles” was a stage name, and that her real name was Irina Perogies. He asked her if she’d thought about a future beyond her fan-dancing days, and she remembered the decrepit old women she’s seen in the old fan-dancers’ home. Brigham assured her that she didn’t have to end up like that, then proposed to her.

TITSY: “You’d want to marry a lesbian?”
BRIGHAM: “I’ve ALWAYS wanted to.”

Ass Masterson and Jesus (disguised as Little Red Riding Hood) were putting up flyers for Constance’s campaign. In the process, Ass accidentally nailed Jesus’ hand to the wall. Jesus reassured Ass that it wasn’t Ass’ fault…that this sort of thing always happens on Good Friday, and that He always comes back more powerful than before..

Constance Snell was taking a nap, with visions of Titsy dancing in her dreams. Wracked with guilt when she awoke, Constance prayed for guidance. God told her she already had all the knowledge she needed to make her decision…she just had to follow her heart.

Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Brigham came back to reclaim the baby. Roswell engaged in some elaborate speculation about Brigham’s advanced age, but Brigham suggested that he not think too hard about it. Roswell handed over the baby, warning Brigham that Jean would be upset. Roswell then pointed out the baby’s “Masterson birthmark.” These words on the child’s cheeks meant that the baby was destined to display his ass proudly and be invulnerable, just as Ass Masterson went around pantsless and survived a gunfight without flinching. As Brigham took his son in his arms, he realized that Roswell had committed a good, selfless act. Brigham assured Roswell that he could repent and earn forgiveness from God. Roswell put his hand on the Bible, and Brigham and Roswell spoke in one voice to pray for salvation.

After the election, Madeline counted the ballots, with Jean looking on to assure an accurate count. In the end, the ballots came out to a tie, so Madeline polled the crowd to vote for their candidate by applause. Constance was narrowly elected, but as she began her victory speech, Jean warned her “Remember what happened to Lincoln.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 19: Exit Brigham, Enter Titsy

Episode 19: Exit Brigham, Enter Titsy

Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin buried Judge X, eliminating the only other person who knew about Will’s past. And now that Will’s secret was safe, Brigham was finally going to leave town, as he’d been promising to do for several weeks now.

WILL: “You’re a man of your word, Brigham Young…eventually.”

Despite their past as enemies, Will and Brigham had come to respect and like each other…so much so that Brigham asked Will to help raise his son. Brigham suggested that Will pass himself off as Brigham to the baby, so the baby won’t know the difference if Brigham ever comes back.

Madeline was looking for her father’s journal, when her search was interrupted by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell explained that, before he resorts to destroying the world, he was going to give the law a chance to help him reclaim the baby. Madeline pointed out that, although Roswell did technically give birth to the child, he was using Constance’s vagina, and thus was only a surrogate. She agreed to see what she could do, if Roswell would help her find the journal. Roswell warned her that she might not like the answers contained therein.

Having escaped from jail, Trapper Jean returned to the mayor’s office. Suddenly, a mysterious and voluptuous woman entered, introducing herself as the celebrated erotic fan dancer Titsy McJugpuddles. Jean asked her to prove her identity with a sample of her dancing, then invited her to dinner.

Madeline went to see Constance Snell to try to work out some kind of joint-custody deal for the baby (which Constance still hadn’t named yet). As Madeline talked about the importance of family, Constance was haunted by the painful memory of her own family being killed by bees. Constance explained that she was keeping the baby with her at all times, even when she goes about her business at the bar. Madeline was shocked by the bad example Constance was setting. Suddenly, the baby said his first words: “Bourbon.”

Roswell Diabolicus was working at the store when Trapper Jean came in to buy some flowers for his date with Titsy. Roswell sold him some maize for 15 cents, but offered to let him have it on credit if Jean would help him steal the baby.

JEAN: “You want me to help you steal a baby for 15 cents of credit? What’s the APR?”

Outside Little One Point, Brigham Young had just started making his way to Utah when he ran into the Mexican wanderer Dirty Sanchez. When Brigham explained that Jesus had sent him on a holy mission to Utah, Sanchez was amazed that Brigham spoke to Christ. Brigham demonstrated by starting a conversation with Jesus, but Sanchez couldn’t hear Him. Nevertheless, Sanchez agreed to join Brigham on his journey.

Will came into the bar and saw the baby sitting on the bar as Constance poured the drinks. Constance explained that she was trying to teach the baby to tap-dance as an attraction to draw in customers. Shocked by her irresponsibility, Will explained that he had been appointed by Brigham to be the baby’s substitute father. This came as a surprise to Constance, who hadn’t known that Brigham had already left. Suddenly, Titsy McJugpuddles entered, looking for work as a dancer. Titsy confessed that she was worried that people might look down on her, and asked about the town’s moral standards. When the baby blurted out “bourbon,” Titsy knew she would fit right in.

On the road, Brigham Young and Dirty Sanchez got to know each other. Brigham showed Sanchez a stick he had made by grabbing a snake and transforming it. As Brigham discussed his mission to create the Mormons, they realized that he wouldn’t be able to do that without women.

Roswell Diabolicus begged Constance to let him hold the baby. (“I swear to God…a God that I do not believe in, nor do I care about…that I will give him right back.”) Constance relented and handed over the baby. Roswell grew increasingly frustrated that he would only say “Mama” and not “Papa,” until Constance snatched the baby back. Constance tried to explain the importance of family by telling Roswell about her parents’ deaths. Roswell recalled that they died about the same time he invented the beehive-launcher.

Trapper Jean and Titsy McJugpuddles enjoyed a romantic dinner at the Bridgetown Grill. Titsy explained that she had been thrown out of Jersey City for her “prurient” dancing, and Jean assured her that would never happen here, even if he had to rewrite the laws to eliminate any moral legislation. She asked Jean about his past as a war hero.

JEAN: “The war, she is a cruel goddess. She gives and she takes. Mostly, she gives death and takes life.”

Madeline and Will discussed the recent upheavals in Little One Point. Will was depressed because he had lost so many friends with Sam’s death, Brigham’s leaving, and Hop Hop’s disappearance. Suddenly, Will remembered a letter that Hop Hop had left with him a long time ago. In the letter, Hop Hop declared Will as his successor, and he also included a map to Madeline’s father’s journal…hidden in that den of iniquity known as Cumming, Georgia.

MADELINE: “Will you help me get to Cumming? ’Cause I need some help getting to Cumming.”

We saw a montage of Brigham and Sanchez on the road.

As the dinner date progressed and Jean and Titsy both got very drunk, they dove behind the bar to enjoy each other’s carnal charms. Two hours later, Titsy thanked Jean for a lovely evening and left. Jean was distraught by her departure…he had loved and left many women in his time, but never before had a woman left him. He felt used and dirty.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 18: Another Day, Another Shooting

Episode 18: Another Day, Another Shooting

Constance was cleaning up the bar with her new invention, something she called “paper towels.” Jesus Christ entered and ordered a glass of water, which he immediately turned into wine. Realizing that she was in the presence of the savior, Constance fell at his feet. Constance told Jesus that she has no longer whoring since she removed her vagina. Jesus replied that he didn’t object to her former profession, reminding her that his girlfriend was a whore. Jesus then asked her to think about the child she conceived with Brigham Young. Constance admitted that she didn’t feel any connection to it, since Roswell Diabolicus had actually carried and given birth to the child. Jesus urged Constance to get the baby back and find that connection.

Brigham Young had just finished putting metal plates in the street (as part of Roswell’s diabolical invention “traffic”), when Judge X walked by. Judge X explained that he was aiming to take down Will McGotnuthin. However, being bound by the law, Judge X couldn’t take action unless Will actually broke the law. Brigham suggested provoking a duel with Will, so that Judge X could shoot Will after Will shoots Brigham.

Having previously taken over the mayor’s office, Trapper Jean expanded his power base by claiming the general store. Roswell Diabolicus arrived and accused Jean of betraying their alliance by moving in on Roswell’s territory. Jean explained that he was upset and neglected because they weren’t spending any quality evil time together. Suddenly, the mysterious stranger entered, and Roswell recognized him as his old arch-nemesis, Ass Masterson! Roswell had thought Ass had died years ago in a carriage explosion, but Ass replied that he had missed that carriage. Jean desperately demanded to know who really died in that explosion.

Will was teaching class, as Judge X watched through a hole in the wall. Trapper Jean strolled by and told Judge X that he was peeking through the wrong wall to see the boys’ locker room. Inside, Madeline entered to discuss the Judge X situation with Will. Madeline resented the Judge coming into town and overriding her authority. Will replied that she didn’t need to worry about Judge X. (MADELINE: “I wasn’t worried, I was getting ready to kick ass!”) Will explained that he was leaving town so that Judge X would leave Little One Point alone. Outside, Constance walked by and informed Judge X that word was getting around about his peeping-tom ways.

Constance was sitting around at home, singing “Happy Birthday” to herself. Brigham entered, and Constance told him about Jesus’ admonition to get the baby back from Roswell Diabolicus. Brigham revealed that he’d been thinking the same thing, and showed her the birthday present he’d brought…a little purple cowboy outfit for the baby. Brigham explained that he’d joined Roswell to dull the pain of his broken heart, but that he now realized he needed his child. He told her that they should raise the baby together and let it know both its parents…at least until Brigham leaves for Utah.

Trapper Jean continued to expand his empire by claiming the jail. Madeline entered and told him he couldn’t just waltz in and take things over. When Jean mockingly asked what she was going to do about it, she responded by locking him up.

Judge X followed relentlessly as Will went about his daily routine: the ice cream store, the dog track, the methadone clinic…

At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was bonding with the baby when Constance arrived, on the pretext of showing Roswell her new invention. As she explained the concept of “paper towels,” Roswell pointed out how wasteful her invention was. Suddenly, Roswell realized that the potential damage to the environment would make Constance’s invention a great tool for evil. Roswell gave Constance a hug to congratulate her, and Constance took advantage of the distraction to snatch the baby.

Brigham Young was at the bar, all set to say his farewells to the town…except nobody was there to hear him. Jesus Christ entered and revealed his identity to Brigham. Brigham was still reeling from this revelation when Jesus explained that Brigham was chosen to be a prophet as well. Brigham confessed that his faith had been shaky recently. He used to talk to God constantly, but hadn’t heard from Him since Brigham started his relationship with Red Clay (a relationship now referred to as “the unpleasantness”). Jesus told Brigham that God still had a place in His heart for Brigham, and that Brigham still had a destiny to fulfill. Moved by Jesus’ words (especially after Jesus told him he’d be able to marry as many broads as he wanted), Brigham resolved to go to Utah and found the Mormons.

Now that Constance had taken the baby away, Roswell Diabolicus was freaking out. Since he couldn’t use the baby’s divine powers to conquer the world, Roswell resolved to destroy the world instead. Gloating maniacally to himself, Roswell recalled that, back when he was hopped up on caffeine from Constance-Cola, he managed to construct his greatest weapon: The Rhode Island Cannon (as mentioned in the first two episodes, and completely forgotten since then). With a cannon capable of firing Rhode Island-sized cannonballs, he would only need 500 shots to destroy all the land mass on Earth. Roswell laughed diabolically.

Judge X was sleeping when Will McGotnuthin snuck into his room, cracking his whip to wake the Judge. Judge X was thrilled that Will, by breaking & entering, had finally given the Judge an excuse to put him away. Will replied that the Judge couldn’t put him away if he was dead…then threatened to hang himself with his whip.

JUDGE X: “No! Don’t throw it all away now! You’ve got many years ahead of you behind bars.”

Will realized that killing Judge X would be more beneficial than killing himself. Judge X warned Will that if he killed him, it only meant that Judge XI would take over the job, then Judge XII, then back again to Judge I, and so on. Suddenly, Brigham Young entered and pulled a gun on Judge X. Brigham explained that he realized that Will had turned his life around, and he couldn’t let Will throw his new life away. Since Brigham was leaving town anyway, he might as well take the heat off Will. With that, Brigham shot Judge X.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 17: And There Shall Come a Savior

Episode 17: And There Shall Come a Savior

Having killed Hop Hop and disposed of the body, self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean was going over some paperwork in his office. Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived, looking for Hop Hop. Jean told her that Hop Hop had traveled further West to pursue his destiny. This explanation surprised Madeline, since she couldn’t imagine Hop Hop leaving so soon after starting his theater. Madeline was equally puzzled by the fact that Jean had declared himself mayor. She suggested that perhaps the mayor should be chosen by election, but then realized that was just foolish talk.

Constance was tending bar when the mysterious Judge X entered, searching for Will McGotnuthin. He explained that he was the tenth in a posse of the twelve toughest judges in the West, scouring the land to hunt down the country’s most notorious outlaws. Constance couldn’t believe that Will was a wanted man.

Roswell was singing “Rock-a-Bye Baby” to Brigham Young’s baby, which he had kidnapped in utero and given birth to himself. Brigham entered with a delivery of baby supplies from the general store. Since Brigham had lost the love of his life when he was forced to kill Red Clay, Brigham explained that he had nothing left to lose by joining Roswell. If joining the forces of evil was the price of being with his son, then so be it. Eagerly accepting his new ally, Roswell explained his latest evil plan…a new concept he called “traffic.”

Will McGotnuthin was teaching a French lesson when a mysterious heavenly music resounded through the room. Immediately afterwards, Jesus Christ entered. Not realizing the visitor’s identity, Will was initially hostile towards the stranger, but warmed up when Jesus spoke approvingly of the Montessori system. Will and Jesus came up with an idea of teaching lessons through metaphorical stories with animals. As an example, Jesus told a story involving a pair of bulls.

Judge X paid a visit to the mayor’s office, still searching for Will. Remembering the legend of the Twelve Judges, Jean was intimidated, but still told Judge X that he believed that Will was a changed man.

JUDGE X: “A horse doesn’t change its spots…unless you paint it.”
JEAN: “But zat is a horse of a different color.”

At high noon, a mysterious stranger arrived in Little One Point…a stranger wearing seatless pants, with the words “Love” and “Hate” tattooed on his cheeks.

Constance was napping in her room when Roswell Diabolicus entered and woke her up. Roswell explained that he needed her advice on taking care of the baby. He offered to return Constance’s reproductive system, since he was done with it now. However, since Constance had removed Roswell’s vagina (which he had switched with hers), she was now completely genital-free, and happy that way. She explained that it would be a lot easier for her to quit whoring now that she didn’t have a vagina. (Roswell’s response: “You’ve still got a mouth!”)

After launching Roswell’s evil “traffic” plan by filling the streets with carriages, holes, and metal plates, Brigham Young paid a visit to Red Clay’s campfire to mourn his loss. Jesus arrived (introducing himself as “Jessie Christianson”) and tried to make Brigham realize that he hadn’t yet lost EVERYTHING. Jesus told Brigham that he still had that joy deep inside his heart, but Brigham replied that he wanted to kill that joy, so it wouldn’t hurt him anymore. Jesus assured Brigham that he was still on the right path. Jesus touched Brigham’s forehead, and Brigham suddenly realized that he WASN’T supposed to go to Iowa (“NOBODY should go to Iowa!”).

Trying to figure out what to do about Trapper Jean’s seizing power, Madeline thought back over the town’s history. She realized that, if she could find the town charter, she’d learn how to take over the town herself and run it HER way…with lots of shops.

Trapper Jean was at the bar when the mysterious bare-assed stranger arrived. They shared a drink, and the stranger asked Jean if he was truly happy. Jean suddenly realized just how empty his life was. (“It is like you are reaching inside my brain and reading it like some kind of brain-book!”) The stranger explained that he had grown up in Little One Point, but it was even smaller then. At this point, Jean finally saw the stranger’s pantslessness and exclaimed “Jesus Christ!” Hearing his name, Jesus rushed in.

Will McGotnuthin was going over the lesson plans when Judge X entered. Judge X explained that he’d had a hard time finding him, thanks to Will’s clever disguise of changing the pronunciation (though not the spelling) of his name. Will recognized Judge X as the man who had sent Will’s sisters to jail. Will informed the judge that he had changed his ways and was on the straight and narrow. Judge X warned Will that he was watching and waiting for Will to make just one little misstep. Judge X “tested” Will by dropping a ten-dollar bill on the floor and waiting for him to steal it. When one of Will’s students picked it up instead, the judge whacked little Timmy with his gavel.

Roswell Diabolicus was doing some housework with Brigham’s baby when Jesus entered. Facing his arch-nemesis, Roswell bragged that neither Jesus nor his father had been able to stop his evil plans to date. Jesus told Roswell that there was still hope for him to find the path of righteousness. After all, if Roswell were truly as evil as he claimed, he would have simply smashed the baby’s skull. Roswell replied that he HAD tried that, but the baby was invulnerable. Roswell demonstrated with some wrestling moves.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 16: Everybody Dies

Episode 16: Everybody Dies

Having stolen Constance’s reproductive system, Roswell Diabolicus was now carrying Brigham Young’s child. Brigham demanded his baby back, explaining that he had conceived that child for the divinely-ordained purpose of fathering the Mormons. In effect, that child was God’s child. This information only made Roswell more determined to keep the baby himself, so that he could corrupt it.

The revelation of Brigham’s infidelity had driven Red Clay onto the warpath, so he visited the general store to pick up some more war paint. Fantastic Sam came in and told Red Clay that he, too, was feeling a murderous mood. Suddenly, they heard an eerie noise and rushed outside to see some strange lights in the sky. Just as suddenly, the mysterious flying object disappeared, and they went back to their original conversation. Red Clay and Sam decided to steal a bunch of TNT from the store and blow up Little One Point.

Having been kicked out of office by Trapper Jean, ex-mayor Hop Hop was reduced to begging for change (and beer) on the street. Sheriff Madeline Clementine strolled by, her face covered with hideous sores. Madeline explained that, when God sent the plague of syphilis, she caught it…then she caught a double-dose when she slept with Trapper Jean. As she explained that the syphilis would soon drive her insane, Madeline suddenly started tap-dancing for no apparent reason. Fantastic Sam walked by, carrying a bundle of stolen supplies. Hop Hop begged for some spare food, and Sam gave him some moldy oranges. Hop Hop shared the oranges with the reluctant Madeline.

At the school, Will McGotnuthin was teaching atheism to his sole remaining student, Timmy. Trapper Jean entered and dismissed the class. Jean explained that he had appointed himself Mayor by claiming Hop Hop’s office in the name of French Canada.

WILL: “Then, I could claim it in the name of Willsville?”
JEAN: “Yes, but then I would likely shoot you dead, and it would revert to me.”

Jean told Will that he should start teaching about the wonders of France, but the school didn’t have an ‘F’ encyclopedia yet. Jean informed Will that he could provide the school with a complete set of encyclopedias. Impressed by Jean’s erudition, Will agreed to teach whatever Jean tells him to.

Hauling his bag of loot, Fantastic Sam was stopped by Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell tried to take the supplies back, but didn’t have the strength to lift it. Sam mocked Roswell’s weakness and pulled a gun on him. In retaliation, Roswell harangued Sam for his cowardice and lack of commitment, until Sam broke down and turned the gun on himself. Roswell wrestled Sam to the ground, pinning him down until Sam passed out. Roswell put a case of TNT on Sam’s back and lit the fuse.

Madeline was recuperating at home, feeling slightly better since eating the moldy oranges. Trapper Jean entered, and Madeline bitterly complained that she had lived a decent, clean life until her liaison with Jean, whereas Jean had lived a dissolute life…and now she was dying, while Jean seemed as hale and hearty as ever. The madness came on her again, and she voiced her complaints in a musical number. (“There’s no one to blame but God and you, and God’s not here!”) Jean explained that he appeared so healthy because he knew two methods to stop the symptoms of syphilis. Madeline would need to find either the silver blood of a unicorn (unfortunately, they only live in France), or the placenta from a newborn child.

Red Clay consulted the Chipapoo spirits for advice on his warpath. Hop Hop passed by, and they commiserated over their betrayals by the white man. Red Clay told Hop Hop that he would burn Little One Point to the ground (since, according to the treaty, the town was his property anyway).

Brigham went to the saloon and told Will about his problems (“I got a woman pregnant, and my husband’s not happy about it”). Brigham feared that the jealous Red Clay would kill him and the whole town. Will reluctantly agreed to form yet another temporary alliance with Brigham. Will warned Brigham that this time, they would have to take out Red Clay permanently, or he would just come back stronger and angrier.

Fantastic Sam woke up and discovered the burning TNT on his back. He tried to kick it away, but was caught in the blast and apparently lost several limbs.

Madeline went to Castle Gayskull to ask Roswell Diabolicus for help with her illness.

ROSWELL: “You look like someone punched you in the face with a fistful of keys!”
MADELINE: “Worse than that…someone punched me in the crotch with a fistful of syphilis.”

Madeline was about to ask Roswell for a favor, when Roswell suddenly went into labor.

Trapper Jean was settling into his new home in the mayor’s office when Hop Hop arrived at the door. Discovering that the locks had changed, Hop Hop tricked his way in with a cunning ruse.

HOP HOP: “It’s the prumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!”
JEAN: “I did not know we had indoor plumbing!”

Once he was in the office, Hop Hop put on an impressive display of martial-arts prowess, skillfully and menacingly wielding his staff. In response, Trapper Jean simply shot Hop Hop.

Red Clay was setting fire to the town when Brigham Young and Will McGotnuthin confronted him. Brigham tried to make amends with Red Clay, but Red Clay was too angry to accept his apology. His people had been betrayed by the white man too often for Red Clay to forgive. Red Clay drew his bow, and Brigham and Will drew their gun and whip (respectively) in response. Red Clay’s arrow missed, but Brigham’s bullet didn’t. Mortally wounded, Red Clay apologized for carrying his passion too far. Hearing the Chipapoo spirits calling him, Red Clay knew that he was dying. Brigham and Red Clay declared their love for each other one last time. Red Clay wanted to give Brigham the treaty that would grant him ownership of Little One Point, but died before he could reveal where it was hidden. Moved by the tender scene, Will (pausing only long enough to put out the fire) handed Red Clay’s arrow to Brigham. (“He meant for you to have this.”)

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 15: The Wedding of the (19th) Century

Episode 15: The Wedding of the (19th) Century

Brigham Young visited the school to ask Will McGotnuthin for a favor.

BRIGHAM: “I know, every time I ask a favor, I promise I’ll leave town. Then I come back and ask for another favor.”
WILL: “Good thing I’m not up on pattern recognition.”

Brigham asked Will to perform the wedding ritual for him and Red Clay, since Will’s background as an actor made him the closest thing the town had to a preacher. Brigham promised (yet again) that after the wedding, they’d leave for Iowa.

After the lovin’, Hop Hop started singing to Constance. However, Constance had developed an extreme dislike for noise and light, as well as becoming disturbingly pale. Constance told Hop Hop that, since she recovered her stolen vagina from Roswell Diabolicus, it had been telling her to kill. Hop Hop examined her vagina, and reported that there were cobwebs, bats, and a little hunchbacked man inside.

Unbeknownst to Constance and Hop Hop, their encounter had been viewed by Roswell Diabolicus through his crystal ball. Roswell congratulated himself on substituting his vagina for Constance’s. Suddenly, Trapper Jean knocked on the castle door. They revealed their past history together: 15 years ago, Roswell won the castle from Trapper Jean, changing the name from Skank Mountain to Castle Gayskull. However, the castle still held one secret only Jean knew: the legendary Gray Sword, hidden and protected by Trapper Jean’s traps. Roswell noticed that Jean’s collection of pelts included Roswell’s previous pet bobcat, Mr. Toesy (Mr. Nosy’s predecessor). As the two old rivals faced each other, Jean suggested that, rather than waste time fighting, they should work to rule the world together.

Red Clay consulted with the Chipapoo spirits for advice on the wedding ritual. He had the bull to sacrifice, a thousand doves to set free, and a wine glass to stomp on. All that was left was his gift for Brigham.

At the saloon, Constance told Will McGotnuthin that she’d started to grow apathetic to all her former interests. Suddenly, her vagina started telling her to kill him. She pulled a gun on him, but her vagina changed its mind and told her to seduce him instead. Will screamed as Constance straddled him.

After Hop Hop and Trapper Jean rehearsed a musical number for the ceremony, Jean told Hop Hop that he was thinking of settling down in Little One Point. Hop Hop suggested that Jean find a place to live in the classic American way…find a place, kick out the occupants, and stake a claim. Taking his advice, Jean knocked out Hop Hop.

Trying to decide on a place for the wedding, Red Clay suggested they hold it over the Chipapoo burial ground, where the general store now stands. Red Clay explained that they would need two medicine men to perform the ceremony. Will would be Brigham’s minister, and Trapper Jean would be Red Clay’s. He then explained that they would need to reveal their “secret names” (usually discovered during the peyote ritual). Brigham didn’t have time to take peyote, but did have an embarrassing nickname from his youth…”The Purple Poke,” or “Pokey” for short. Red Clay’s secret name was “Dog Eating Its Own Poo.”

Roswell walked by the unconscious Hop Hop…and kept on walking.

Trapper Jean and Will were going over the service, though Will was feeling strange since his encounter with Constance. (Plus, half of his face had gone pale.) As Jean explained the ceremony, a voice from Will’s crotch told him to kiss Jean.

WILL: “I’m not gay…but my penis is telling me to kiss you.”
JEAN: “I fear that my penis is telling me not to let that happen.”

At the store, Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory when Constance entered. Since Roswell switched vaginas with her, they were assuming each other’s personality traits…plus, Constance had started to grow a beard like Roswell’s. Roswell informed her that he’d taken not only her vagina, but her entire reproductive system…and was now carrying her baby. Constance pulled a gun and demanded her vagina back. Roswell grabbed the gun, shoved it down his pants, and declared “If I can’t have your vagina, no one will!” Then he fired.

Red Clay and Brigham were going over the ceremony with the two preachers, though Brigham was distracted by Will’s bizarre transformation. Suddenly, Will’s penis ordered him to kiss Red Clay. Will did so, right in front of Brigham.

Hop Hop threw a bachelor party for Brigham, presenting him with a wedding fortune cookie (“You must look into people as well as at them.”). The party stripper, Constance, arrived. Brigham was dismayed by the debauchery, not to mention Constance’s beard. Hop Hop suggested that Brigham follow the cookie’s advice and look into Constance.

Finally, the big moment arrived. Trapper Jean and Will (whose face had cleared up since kissing Red Clay) began the ceremony. Red Clay arrived, walking up the aisle in a dress and veil. After exchanging rings (cock rings, actually), Jean pronounced them man and man. Red Clay and Brigham kissed. Suddenly, Roswell Diabolicus stormed in, announcing that the baby he’s carrying is Brigham’s child!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 14: The Case of the Missing...Well, Just Read It for Yourself

Episode 14: The Case of the Missing…Well, Just Read It for Yourself

Sheriff Madeline Clementine went to see Roswell Diabolicus to inform her biological father about her new ambition to be an actress. Roswell replied that he knew about her role in “Our Chinese Cousin,” as he was the play’s producer. He explained that he had funded Hop Hop’s play as part of an elaborate plan to get revenge on Abraham Lincoln by shooting him while he was distracted by the show. Madeline pointed out that, besides it being a bad idea to confess his criminal plans to the sheriff, somebody else had already beaten him to it. Roswell has distraught that his first truly evil plan in ages had been spoiled.

Brigham was out in the woods when Trapper Jean wandered by. Trapper Jean could see that Brigham was troubled, and Brigham explained that he has having difficulties with his relationship with Red Clay, complicated by the fact that they were both hiding from their gods. When Trapper Jean realized that Brigham’s life partner was Native American, Jean warned him that the Indians betrayed Jean’s people during the French & Indian War. However, he was willing to give Red Clay the benefit of the doubt.

Red Clay snuck into the saloon to pick up supplies. Constance Snell gladly provided them, even though she disapproved of Red Clay’s gay lifestyle. She told Red Clay about the life of Jesus, and Red Clay remarked that Jesus sounded very similar to Brigham. Red Clay then extolled Brigham’s virtues in a song.

Fantastic Sam stopped by the general store and told Roswell that he had been terrible in the play, having forgotten all his lines. Roswell and Sam went off on a discourse about the history of theater, and the way their lives seemed to play out like the same scene repeated over and over. Sam resolved to break the pattern by going “outside the lines” and stepping out into the audience.

Madeline ran into Trapper Jean in the woods, and was quickly charmed by his Gallic charm. They went inside his tent, and he offered her a seat on his fainting couch.

MADELINE: “I don’t faint, but I recline with the best of them.”

Hop Hop gave Will McGotnuthin a check for 14 cents as payment for his work on the play. Will gratefully replied that he would use the money to buy a ‘D’ encyclopedia for the school. Hop Hop was taken aback to learn that they still didn’t have that volume, and asked how the kids could get ‘D’ grades if they didn’t understand the concept of ‘D.’ Will explained that there were no grades in the Montessori system, and Hop Hop was horrified. Without grades, their school couldn’t be ranked against other schools, and Hop Hop couldn’t get kickbacks. Hop Hop insisted that Will institute a grading system, but Will stood by his principles.

Later that night, Will McGotnuthin secretly visited Abraham Lincoln’s grave and started digging. Fantastic Sam arrived, having had the same idea. Sam believed that Lincoln had arranged the shooting in order to fake his own death. As they dug, a ghostly voice asked, “Who disturbs the grave of Babraham Crinklin?” Realizing that the grave was not Lincoln’s, Sam warned Will that the real Lincoln may be anywhere…possibly having changed his appearance and assumed a new name.

Trapper Jean sang a post-coital ballad to Madeline, then left.

Beside the campfire, Brigham Young and Red Clay started to argue about Brigham’s difficulty in adjusting to their new lifestyle in the woods. Trapper Jean arrived, but when he saw Red Clay, he pulled his gun. As far as Jean was concerned, the French & Indian War was still on. Red Clay pulled his bow on Jean. Confused as to how to handle the situation, Brigham pulled his guns on both of them.

Hop Hop paid a visit to Constance, but was surprised when her greeting lacked its usual enthusiasm. Constance explained that she just didn’t have any passion anymore…somehow, she had lost her fantastic vagina! Hop Hop speculated that her new ambitions as an inventor and actress might have dulled her interest in her old trade, but she insisted that she had literally lost her vagina. Hop Hop pulled out a fortune cookie to find out what to do, and learned that “Silence is sometimes the best answer.”

The three-way standoff between Brigham, Red Clay, and Trapper Jean was interrupted when Constance and Hop Hop rode by, searching for Constance’s vagina. The bizarre intrusion defused the tension, and everyone put down their weapons. Jean advised Red Clay and Brigham to get their issues out in the open in order to revitalize their relationship. Jean suggested they spice up their love life with role-playing, or by making love in unusual places (such as Castle Gayskull). Brigham remained unconvinced that their relationship could be salvaged.

Constance arrived at Castle Gayskull and discovered that Roswell Diabolicus had stolen her vagina. Roswell explained that his life had been ruined by his addiction to the beverage she’d invented, Constance Cola. He wanted her to destroy the formula so it couldn’t do any more damage, and was holding her vagina hostage until she met his demands. Undaunted, Constance whistled, and her vagina came rushing back under her skirt.

CONSTANCE: “If you want a vagina so much, maybe you should make yourself one in this lab of yours!”
ROSWELL: “Well, if you’d remember from a few weeks ago, I HAVE a vagina! I’m a hermaphrodite, with a penis and a vagina. Have you forgotten?”

Disheartened by Constance’s victory, Roswell dismissed her…pausing only to cast doubt on whether it was really HER vagina she’d reclaimed.

Trapper Jean was sleeping in his tent when Madeline Clementine entered, royally pissed-off by his leaving her earlier. Vindictively, she arrested him for shooting Lincoln. Jean grabbed Madeline’s gun “Priscilla,” but Priscilla remained loyal to her owner…even in Jean’s hand, the gun stayed pointed at Jean. Pleading for his life, Jean explained that the shooting was a hoax planned by Lincoln himself. Madeline apologized for believing that Jean was a killer. Then she informed him that he now had syphilis.

As Red Clay sat by the campfire, Brigham arrived, dressed in a French maid outfit (provided by Trapper Jean). Brigham was prepared to put aside his doubts and work to save their relationship. Touched by Brigham’s devotion, Red Clay got down on one knee and asked to marry Brigham in a traditional Chipapoo ceremony. Brigham accepted.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 13: Sockdologizing Old Mantrap

Episode 13: Sockdologizing Old Mantrap

Will McGotnuthin pled with Hop Hop to give him back his teaching position. Hop Hop agreed, even though Will had never actually LOST his job.

HOP HOP: “I don’t remember firing you…I remember kicking your ass!”
WILL: “I interpreted that as firing.”

Now that that was cleared up, Hop Hop asked Will to star in Hop Hop’s new play, “Our Chinese Cousin,” the story of an emperor who changes places with his identical cousin in order to experience common life. As soon as Hop Hop offered him the part, Will had a flashback to his days with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe.

In the jail, Red Clay gave Brigham Young some flowers he’d picked through the window. Brigham was torn with guilt over the plagues God was sending over their forbidden love, but Red Clay didn’t care. They decided to escape and leave Little One Point together.

Since Fantastic Sam’s barbershop burned down, Constance came to Sam’s house to trim her braid. Afterwards, Constance remarked that she couldn’t pay him with money. Sam wasn’t concerned, since he’d gotten $61 from his insurance. Constance explained that she’d been offering to pay him another way, reminding him of their times together when she thought he was a horse.

Abraham Lincoln visited Roswell Diabolicus, explaining that he’d had to drop Sam’s lawsuit against Roswell when he learned that Sam was lying about being a horse. However, Lincoln was bringing a new case against him on general principles (not to mention the fact that Roswell abandoned Lincoln after fathering him).

Sheriff Madeline Clementine was strolling along when Hop Hop arrived and offered her a part in “Our Chinese Cousin.” She would be playing the palace courtesan who finds true love with the substitute emperor. Madeline was intrigued with the idea of playing someone so unlike herself, and started improvising some dialogue. The rehearsal was overheard by a mysterious stranger, who introduced himself as the French fur trapper Trapper Jean.

Having snuck out of his cell once again, Brigham Young visited Will McGotnuthin at the general store. Brigham asked Will to help break Red Clay out of jail too, but Will was upset that Brigham didn’t follow through with taking revenge on Roswell Diabolicus after last week’s jailbreak. Brigham promised Will that if he helped Red Clay escape, the two of them would leave Little One Point and never return. Will accepted the offer.

Fantastic Sam was strolling down 2nd Avenue, reveling in his new wealth and pimpin’ threads. Sam explained to a puzzled Abraham Lincoln that he’d found a loophole in the law, and was insuring things that weren’t even his. Deeply disappointed by his former client’s behavior, Lincoln told Sam that they couldn’t be friends anymore. Lincoln then served Sam with a subpoena for insurance fraud.

Constance was tending bar when Trapper Jean entered. She poured him a drink of her new invention, Constance Cola. Jean was impressed (“Zut alors! Zat is, how you say, tasty fucking beverage!”), but could see that she was troubled. Constance explained that she wrote to her family to share the good news of her success, but they wrote back calling her a whore. Jean sympathized with her plight.

TRAPPER JEAN: “Ah, ma cherie…if ravens had not eaten my tear ducts, I would cry.”

Hop Hop paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus, inviting him to produce the play. Roswell agreed, if Hop Hop would help him with a project of his own. Roswell explained that the plagues were God’s punishment on homosexuality, and he’d devised a plan to put all the gays in one place so the rest of the town would be safe. Showing Hop Hop a map, Roswell pointed out an area shaped like a buck’s head, and proposed sending all the gays there. Hop Hop suggested they instead put all the gays in the middle of the city…mid-town, as it were.

Madeline visited Red Clay’s cell to see whether Red Clay was willing to leave Brigham to her in exchange for his freedom. Before Red Clay could answer, Brigham snuck back into his cell and found himself face to face with Madeline. Madeline pled with Brigham to take things back to the way they were before Brigham left her for Red Clay. However, Brigham stood by his love for Red Clay. Heartbroken, Madeline opened their cells and told the two of them to leave.

Fantastic Sam and Constance were rehearsing a scene from “Our Chinese Cousin,” with Hop Hop directing and Lincoln watching from a balcony seat. Lincoln kept disrupting the rehearsal with his constant side-coaching, until Hop Hop yelled at him to leave the directing to him. As Sam and Constance rehearsed their scene, Trapper Jean quietly snuck up behind Lincoln and shot him in the head. As everyone reacted in shock, the assassin revealed his full name…Trapper Jean Wilkes Booth!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 12: It's the Real Thing

Episode 12: It’s the Real Thing

Sheriff Madeline Clementine led Red Clay back to his cell, where he was being held for public indecency for going around without pants. Red Clay defended himself by explaining that in Chipapoo culture, pants are indecent. Madeline offered to free Red Clay if he’d promise never to see Brigham Young again.

RED CLAY: “Sheriff, your motives painfully clear now.”
MADELINE: “Were they not clear before?”

Will McGotnuthin returned to the school just as substitute teacher Fantastic Sam dismissed the class. Sam explained that he’s just not cut out for teaching, but Will urged him to hang in there until Will got his job back. Sam agreed, as long as Will would stop teaching the theory of “evilution,” and start teaching that man is intrinsically good. However, Will had seen too much evil up close (in the form of his evil sisters) to believe that.

At the bar, Constance was tremendously excited because she’d just invented a new beverage. When Roswell Diabolicus came in to find out what all the noise was about, Constance explained her new concoction. When she got a stomachache, she fixed herself some bicarbonate of soda & water, then added sugar and syrup for flavor. As a finishing touch, she added some coffee for a caffeine kick. Roswell sampled her invention and declared it to be “fucking delicious!”

Hop Hop paid a visit to Brigham Young in his prison cell, where Brigham was also doing time for public indecency.

BRIGHAM: “I’m in jail for love.”
HOP HOP: “You in jail for running around with you man-boobs hanging out!”

Brigham explained that his love for Red Clay had led him to turn his back on his mission from God. As punishment, God had cursed Little One Point with plagues of buzzards, frogs, and wine (though they weren’t sure that last one was meant as a plague). The fourth plague of syphilis would be coming soon.

Will went to Madeline’s office. He explained that, during his drinking days, he’d been fired for messing up the kids’ heads. Now that he’d sobered up, he had two dreams… going back to teaching, and getting revenge on Roswell Diabolicus. He needed a posse to get Roswell, and he needed a sharpshooter for that posse. Will pleaded with Madeline to release Brigham Young.

Around the abandoned campfire, the Chipapoo spirits called out to Red Clay. They were joined by the voice of God, who was searching for Brigham. Despite being omniscient, for some reason they couldn’t find Brigham and Red Clay. To make matters worse, God was running out of ideas for plagues. Finally, they decided to burn Atlanta unless Brigham and Red Clay called off their love.

Hopped up on caffeine, Roswell Diabolicus was stocking the store’s shelves at super-speed. His mind was racing with plans for Constance’s new beverage, such as adding cocaine to make it even more addictive. Fantastic Sam arrived to buy supplies. The father and son argued over Roswell’s commitment to evil, and Sam’s lack of commitment to anything. Eventually, the fight turned into a teary-eyed moment.

Later on, Roswell was cleaning up at Castle Gayskull when Constance arrived, asking for more bicarbonate of soda for her recipe. Roswell agreed to supply her with all the ingredients she needs, in return for which he’ll own the rights to the beverage and get all the profits. They tossed around some possible names for the drink, including “Constance Cola.”

Red Clay was passing the time in his cell by singing a traditional Chipapoo hunting song, when Hop Hop rode in (throwing away his horse afterwards). As Hop Hop explained about the plagues besetting Little One Point, a buzzard fell from the sky. Hop Hop took the buzzard and started nursing it back to health. Hop Hop pointed out the contradiction between Red Clay’s disdain for the white man and his love of Brigham Young (similar to the contradiction of Hop Hop’s caring for the buzzard and disregard for the horse). Hop Hop gave Red Clay a fortune cookie to determine the future: “You will have a lot of fun this weekend.”

Madeline was relaxing in her room when a distraught Fantastic Sam entered. Sam explained that he wanted revenge on Roswell, but didn’t want to side with Will. As he pondered coming up with a plan to double-cross Will, Madeline took him to task for being so self-centered.

MADELINE: “Sam, why is it always about YOU?”
SAM: “I’m at the center of my universe!”

Brigham Young was singing in his cell when Will McGotnuthin entered. They agreed to put aside their feud and have an uneasy truce while they hunt down Roswell. Will used his whip to yank the window out of the wall. Brigham escaped his cell, but explained that he needed to be back by evening to reunite with Red Clay.

The hyperactive Roswell had just finished writing his third book of really bad poetry when he started to come down from his caffeine high. Roswell ordered his new companion/power pet, Dreidel Boy, to guard the castle during his weakness. Suddenly, Brigham and Will burst in and shot Dreidel Boy. Before they could confront Roswell, Constance arrived with a six-pack of “Constance Cola.” Lying helpless on the floor, Roswell pleaded with her to pour a bottle into his mouth. She did so, and the revitalized Roswell leapt to his feet.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 11: The Justal System

Episode 11: The Justal System

Constance was in jail for shooting Kitty Bumper (which she did between episodes). When Hop Hop came in to bring holiday greetings to the prisoners, Constance asked him to help her get Abraham Lincoln as her lawyer (even though he was a witness to the shooting). Hop Hop told her he’d see what he could do, then gave her a Christmas gift: a lady’s flask full of liquor.

Sheriff Madeline Clementine was doing her holiday shopping at the general store when she ran into Red Clay. Red Clay explained that he was trying the white man tradition of buying gifts for his special someone, Brigham Young…who used to be Madeline’s special someone. Red Clay explained that it was the will of his ancestors to “let love of Brigham Young blossom.” Madeline argued that they could have meant Brigham’s love for her. She apologized for her father stealing his people’s land, but pointed out that now Red Clay had stolen her last chance for happiness.

Abraham Lincoln and Fantastic Sam were drinking at the bar. When Lincoln asked Sam about his new bipedal stance, Sam explained that he was never really a horse, but had just been in disguise. Lincoln informed Sam that he couldn’t continue the case because Sam had lied to him. Sam understood that, and was prepared to face the consequences of his deception. In admiration of Sam’s courage, Lincoln took the case again.

Brigham Young was out skipping stones when the spirit of Jabby Butts appeared, sent by God to clarify Brigham’s mission. God’s message wasn’t “Mormon,” but “More Man”…Brigham’s mission was to lead the Mormons by procreating, producing more men.

BRIGHAM: “I wake up thinking ‘more man,’ too, but that’s just the relationship I’m in.”

Jabby explained that Brigham couldn’t reproduce with another man, but must use the sacred vessel of a woman’s womb. (Jabby’s vocabulary had improved since he went to Heaven.)

Going around singing carols, Hop Hop visited Red Clay’s campfire. They discussed Red Clay’s change of wardrobe (abandoning white man pants and wearing only his Chipapoo loincloth), then started talking about the white man’s holiday traditions. Red Clay showed Hop Hop the Christmas stocking he had bought for Brigham, tied around Red Clay’s waist and hanging over his Johnson.

The spirit of Jabby Butts appeared to Constance Snell in her cell, explaining that he had come to save her from a life of sin. However, since prostitution had brought her friends and a good livelihood, and her “clean-living” past only brought her misery, he didn’t have much luck convincing her.

Fantastic Sam paid a visit to Madeline for assistance in his legal battle against Roswell Diabolicus, since he’d found Lincoln to be indecisive and inarticulate. Sam tried to win her over by bringing gifts based on her offhand remarks, though he stopped short when she called him “a diamond in the rough.”

Brigham Young explained his dilemma to Lincoln: “Apparently, I have to choose between the man that I love and the God that I obey. And whether I wear pants or not.” After some discussion, Brigham chose Red Clay and no pants.

As Madeline slept, the spirit of Jabby Butts visited her in the form of her father’s horse, Colta. Jabby/Colta informed her that she would play a vital part in the future of the nation…she must arrest Red Clay so that Brigham can fulfill his destiny. Jabby/Colta upped the pressure on Madeline by telling her it was her father’s last wish.

Red Clay was dancing around the campfire when his ancestors spoke to him. Red Clay explained that he was torn between the life of a warrior and his un-warrior-like love of a man. The one ancestor who knew this conflict urged him to follow the path that brings him happiness.

As Hop Hop and Fantastic Sam practiced Christmas carols, Hop Hop asked Sam if he’d had any religion when he was a horse. Sam explained that he had enough trouble understanding mankind to deal with the concept of a higher power. Sam also confided that he had great fear and anxiety about mortality…not so much in his own death, but in being left behind by others.

HOP HOP: “You were wise as a horse, but were never wiser than you are now as a man.”

Abraham Lincoln visited Constance Snell in the jail. Although the door was open, Constance remained in her cell, obsessively washing the gunpowder from her hands. Lincoln explained that she was a prisoner of her own heart, then asked her “Is what you’ve done truly wrong under the Constitution and the US justal system?” After much deliberation, Constance decided that her actions were justified. Lincoln declared her to be free.

Red Clay was talking to the Great Cactus Spirit when Brigham Young arrived…wearing no shirt under his vest and no pants under his chaps. Red Clay gave Brigham his stocking, and Brigham gave Red Clay a new hand-carved kazoo to replace the one which represented Chipapoo strife. God spoke out and announced that He was so disappointed with Brigham that He was closing His doors to him. As Brigham pondered what this meant, the mood was quickly brightened up by the arrival of the caroling townspeople. Everybody in Little One Point was united in holiday cheer and brotherhood. Then Madeline arrested both Brigham and Red Clay for public indecency.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 10: Bumper Carnage

Episode 10: Bumper Carnage

Having abandoned his horse disguise, Sam paid a visit to Abraham Lincoln (who couldn’t quite put his finger on what was different about Sam). Sam explained that he had turned his back on his father, Roswell Diabolicus, and was going straight by opening a barber shop (“Fantastic Sam’s”). Lincoln revealed that Roswell was his biological father, though he was raised by a man named Mabel Schminken. Sam recognized the name as that of Will McGotnuthin’s arch-nemesis (even though they called him “Hasem Minken” in Episode 8).

A drunken Will McGotnuthin was teaching to an empty classroom at 2 AM when Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived to investigate the disturbance. Discovering that Will had fallen prey to the “sugary sweetness & alcohol goodness” of Roswell Diabolicus’ wine coolers, Madeline offered to help him straighten himself out. Will interpreted her offer as a flirtation, then confessed that, ever since he’d been separated from his sisters, he’d forgotten how to act around women. In the course of their conversation, Madeline dropped her handkerchief. As she picked it up, Will realized that he should have retrieved it for her. He asked her to drop it again so he could do so.

Hop Hop discovered Red Clay preparing a Chipapoo mating ritual. When Hop Hop asked who Red Clay’s “special someone” was, Red Clay replied that it was Brigham Young. Red Clay explained that his ancestors had told him to “let love of Brigham Young blossom”…so he did. At Hop Hop’s insistence, Red Clay sang of his love for Brigham (with the help of wandering troubadour Slim Talley).

Constance Snell was tending bar when itinerant prostitute Kitty Bumper strode in looking for work. Abraham Lincoln came in and samples some of Constance’s fudge, while Constance and Kitty went to the other side of the room for a private talk. When Kitty asked about Constance’s price structure, Constance admitted that she didn’t have a set price list, but just accepted whatever her customers gave her. Impressed by Kitty’s businesslike manner, Constance asked her advice on whoring.

Brigham Young was skipping stones by the lake, pouring out his heart to a cactus about his kiss with Red Clay.

BRIGHAM: “Loving him is like pooping on a skillet…It’s hard, but it’s worth the effort.”

Fantastic Sam walked by, but Brigham didn’t recognize him out of the horse costume. Once Sam explained who he was, Brigham began wondering whether the cactus was also a person in disguise. He tested this theory by kicking it over.

SAM: “I think you just kicked the shit out of a talking cactus.”
BRIGHAM: “Well, I feel dumb.”

Brigham told Sam that he was conflicted between his love for Red Clay (though he didn’t mention him by name) and God’s calling him to lead the Mormons to Iowa (“That, and the fact that I don’t know who the Mormons are or where Iowa is.”). Sam advised him to go to Iowa and THEN find a woman there who reminds him of his “special someone.”

Later, Red Clay visited Brigham at home. After some awkward small talk, God spoke to Brigham and asked what the hold-up was on the mission. After Brigham explained that he didn’t know where to go, Red Clay’s ancestral spirits told Red Clay to lead Brigham to Iowa. Brigham thanked God for being so much more vague and cryptic than the Chipapoo spirits.

Hop Hop went to Jed’s Saloon for a tryst with Constance, but was surprised to meet Kitty Bumper instead. Nonplussed, he got down to business with the new hooker. Afterwards, Kitty started pumping him for information about Red Clay. Her curiosity was piqued when Hop Hop said that Red Clay owned the whole town, but she immediately lost interest after learning that Red Clay lost it again. She then asked about Brigham. Hop Hop told her that Brigham was gay, but she wasn’t about to let that stop her.

Fantastic Sam urged Will McGotnuthin to stop teaching the theory of “evil-lution,” calling it “a hobgobnobbery of flim-flam.” Sam explained that, rather than teaching that man is becoming more evil, Will should inspire his students to heroism instead. Will sat down for a haircut as Sam explained that every man is the hero of his own story.

Constance Snell paid a visit to Sheriff Madeline Clementine to dish about the new girl in town, Kitty Bumper. Constance’s initial admiration for Kitty’s business sense had been overwhelmed by her disgust with Kitty’s mercenary attitude, snide comments, and overall rudeness. Madeline couldn’t arrest Kitty for prostitution, or else she’d have to arrest Constance as well just to be fair. Still, they agreed that something needed to be done about Kitty. Constance suggested killing her, but Madeline was sworn to uphold the law. However, Madeline hinted that if Kitty attacked Constance, Constance would be justified in using lethal force to defend herself.

At the saloon, Fantastic Sam and Abraham Lincoln were discussing their lawsuit when Kitty Bumper entered. After Lincoln left them alone, Kitty tried to seduce Sam while questioning him about Red Clay. Sam saw through her act and asked what she was really up to. She replied that she was just trying to take over the town.

Red Clay and Brigham Young enjoyed an evening’s entertainment by looking at a series of drawings they made, which they dubbed “moving pictures.” Brigham asked Red Clay why he wore both pants and a loincloth. Red Clay explained that the pants were to blend in while he was in white man town…but now that they were on the edge of town, Red Clay prepared to take them off.

Despite having seen through Kitty’s motives, Sam still had sex with her. As they were tidying themselves up afterwards, Lincoln came back for a second helping of Constance’s fudge. Constance arrived and was deeply upset to see Kitty handling her fudge. Lincoln gave a stern lecture to Kitty for her rudeness, then harangued Sam for falling for Kitty’s wiles and hurting Constance. Kitty made an insinuating wisecrack about Constance’s friendship with Madeline. Constance stormed out, and Sam ran after her. Lincoln confronted Kitty about her actions.

LINCOLN: “I hope you’re happy. You’ve torn this town apart!”
KITTY: “I’m not happy till the $20 is left on the headboard.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 9: Abraham de Bergerac

Episode 9: Abraham de Bergerac

Abraham Lincoln and Brigham Young were sitting together at the bar, enjoying the musical stylings of the saloon piano player Stuttering Sal. Brigham confided to Lincoln that he was conflicted between God’s plans for him and his budding romance with Madeline. Lincoln advised him to be honest with Madeline about the whole “talking with God” thing, or it would just fester between them. Brigham was so impressed by Lincoln’s words that he asked Lincoln to hide behind a cactus and feed him lines when he talks to Madeline.

Hop Hop brought some Christmas brownies to Constance Snell, then mentioned that his pet chicken, Mr. Cluck-No-More, was missing. After an awkward moment, Constance confessed that she had the chicken and had adopted him as her own pet, renaming him “Pancake.” In keeping with the Christmas spirit (even though he’s Buddhist), Hop Hop agreed to let her keep the chicken…if she gave him the saloon in exchange. Since the saloon was what meant the most in her life, Constance agreed to return Mr. Cluck-No-More. Hop Hop was so moved by her sacrifice that he decided to let her keep the chicken and the saloon…he’d just settle for her fantastic vagina.

Seeking a mate with whom to repopulate the Chipapoo tribe, Red Clay put on some deer-urine cologne and called upon his ancestors for romantic advice. Only one of his ancestors, Andy, had any experience with white women; Andy advised Red Clay to give them diamonds and pretend to listen to them. Some diamonds mysteriously appeared beneath Red Clay’s campfire.

At the general store, Roswell Diabolicus was anxiously awaiting a visit from a mystery shopper when Will McGotnuthin came in for some more wine coolers. Roswell was surprised that his new concoction had appealed to a male over age 12, but was happy to oblige a customer. Roswell asked Will how things were going at the school. Will explained that by teaching the theory of “evil-lution,” the idea that mankind is growing more evil as time goes by, he hoped that the knowledge would stop the growth of evil. Roswell insisted that Will not stand in the way of the natural order of evil, then tried to bribe him with free wine coolers. Will accepted.

Sam the Horse went to see Sheriff Madeline Clementine in her office. Sam explained that he had broken his ass twice last week, and would be unable to do any work as her deputy…but he still wanted to be paid. Madeline refused to give him any money for work he isn’t doing. Sam was so enraged that he began stomping around the office, bending over backwards, and even doing a Cossack dance, all the while insisting that he was in no physical condition to work. The argument escalated until Madeline recovered her composure and attempted to make peace. Sam offered her a piece of the action in his lawsuit against Roswell Diabolicus.

Red Clay set up a trail of rose petals to lure women to his campfire, then practiced his best impression of the legendary Chipapoo ladies’ man White Bear (the forerunner of our Barry White). Constance Snell followed the trail, accompanied by her chicken Pancake. As she talked about her new pet, Red Clay pretended to listen, then gave her the diamonds from the campfire.

RED CLAY: “Now, off-um with pants!”
CONSTANCE: “Well, as long as you keep these diamonds coming…”

Abraham Lincoln paid a visit to Castle Gayskull to serve Roswell Diabolicus with the papers for Sam’s lawsuit.

ROSWELL: “Sam is suing me for falling on his own anus?”
LINCOLN: “Well, if he fell on someone else’s, it wouldn’t be much of a lawsuit, would it?”

After getting over his initial indignation, Roswell began to see the potential of frivolous lawsuits like this one. Roswell foresaw a future in which lawyers could be a powerful tool for evil.

Hop Hop went to see how the school was coming along, and was appalled to find Will McGotnuthin drunk on wine coolers and very belligerent. Hop Hop sent the kids outside and confronted Will about his disgraceful behavior. Will and Hop Hop started to fight (while the kids placed bets). The battle came to a quick end when Hop Hop threw his hat at Will’s midsection, knocking him down.

Roswell confronted Sam about the lawsuit, upset that Sam was endangering their evil master plan by taking such actions on his own. Roswell warned that he could reveal that Sam was only a human being in a horse costume. Sam explained that the lawsuit was just his attempt to follow in Roswell’s footsteps, but it was a lame, petty attempt at evil. Sam confided that he just didn’t feel cut out for evil, and wanted to quit. He also informed Roswell that small children saw through his horse costume and kept trying to hit him. Desperate to persuade Sam to stay, Roswell devised a plan in which people in animal costumes would lure people into some sort of park, where the patrons would spend lots of money and wait in long lines. Despite the obvious evilness of this idea, Sam still quit.

Brigham Young laid a trail of rose petals to lead Madeline out to their trysting spot in the desert, where Lincoln hid behind a cactus and told Brigham what to say. Brigham kept mangling Lincoln’s words, until finally Brigham couldn’t continue the deception. He introduced Lincoln to Madeline, then sent Lincoln on his way. Once they were alone, Brigham told Madeline that he loved her, but that he’d been called by God to lead the Mormons (even though he didn’t know who or what the Mormons were). Suddenly, Red Clay interrupted, trying to seduce Madeline himself. Both God and Red Clay’s ancestors spoke up simultaneously. God told Brigham to put his gun away, and Red Clay’s ancestors urged Red Clay to “let love of Brigham Young blossom.” Taking his ancestors’ advice, Red Clay knocked Madeline out and sang a love song to Brigham. Brigham and Red Clay kissed passionately.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 8: Lincoln, Lincoln, I've Been Thinkin'...

Episode 8: Lincoln, Lincoln, I’ve Been Thinkin’…

Still lying in the street bleeding after his duel with Will McGotnuthin, Brigham Young got a message from God. God told Brigham that he needed to lead his people to another place.

Mayor Hop Hop stopped by the school (located in the back room of Roswell Diabolicus’ general store) to find out how they were doing. Will McGotnuthin, the teacher, blamed Brigham Young for the sorry state of the school, explaining that Brigham kept taking up valuable classroom space with the store’s backstock. When Will mentioned his duel with Brigham, Hop Hop took him to task for setting a bad example for the children. Hop Hop urged Will to settle his differences like a man, by playing Chinese Checkers (“ridiculous game, with marbles and pentagram…if you lose, Satan comes up!”)

Constance Snell was tending bar when Abraham Lincoln entered. She asked to try on his stovepipe hat to see if it would make her look taller. Lincoln explained that he was traveling on a mission to make sure people don’t fight, and to set free any dogs he might see penned up.

CONSTANCE: “So what’s up with that beard & no mustache?”
LINCOLN: “Well, I have a personal stylist, and she tells me people will remember it.”

Constance invited Lincoln upstairs for a “transaction” and a game of Chinese Checkers.

Sam the Horse gave Roswell Diabolicus a ride to the store, where they discussed their evil plans. Roswell had developed a new invention to lure people to the side of evil…something called a “wine cooler.” Being sweeter and less potent than whiskey, it would be more tempting to women and 12-year-old boys. Sam proposed throwing a hoedown to recruit followers, but warned that his brittle bones might not withstand the dance. Roswell realized that Sam was so committed to evil, he’d come up with a plan that might destroy himself! Sam celebrated with a victory dance, fell and broke his ass.

The wounded Brigham Young staggered in to Sheriff Madeline Clementine’s office. Madeline awkwardly attempted to rush to his side, but explained:

MADELINE: “My accoutrements are slowing me down!”
BRIGHAM: “You got Cooter Mints?!”

Brigham explained that God had spoken to him twice since the shooting, but had forgotten to heal him. He asked Madeline to apply pressure to his wound to stop the bleeding. Madeline worried that she might drive the bullet in further.

BRIGHAM: “You always think of things like that. That’s why I love you so.”
MADELINE: “Brigham, what did you say?”
BRIGHAM: “Oh…I got to go!”

Abraham Lincoln visited the mayor’s office, where Hop Hop forced the stranger to join him in a chicken-dance to celebrate his pet Mr. Cluck-No-More’s birthday. Once that was out of the way, Lincoln offered his services as a lawyer, explaining the concept of contracts. Impressed by his speaking talent, Hop Hop suggested that Lincoln get into politics. When Hop Hop explained that politics was all about lying, Lincoln corrected him and urged him to use his authority honestly. Hop Hop was so moved that he came up with a new nickname for the visitor: “Honest Abe.”

Sam the Horse ran into Will McGotnuthin and invited him to the hoedown at Ye Olde Spaghetti Factory, asking him to bring his students as well. Sam mentioned the stranger in town, but struggled to remember Lincoln’s name. Will thought that Sam was talking about Hasem Minken, the lawyer who had unsuccessfully defended Will’s sisters and got them thrown in jail. They resolved to take revenge on Minken at the dance. Sam did a celebration dance and broke his ass again.

Abraham Lincoln stopped by Castle Gayskull, and was surprised when Roswell Diabolicus (a complete stranger to him) greeted him so familiarly. Roswell pointed out the similarity in their appearances (“Do you think you selected a big hat and chin beard randomly?”) and revealed that he was Lincoln’s biological father. Lincoln was dismayed to realize that he was the son of an evil man. Angered by his son’s rejection, Roswell warned Lincoln to beware the theatre. Lincoln vowed that he would continue his theatre-going habits undaunted.

Madeline paid a visit to Constance for some advice about Brigham’s declaration of love.

MADELINE: “Constance, what does love mean?”
CONSTANCE: “It means a handsome stranger in a stovepipe hat and private parts the likes of which you have never seen!”

Constance advised Madeline to have sex with Brigham to see how good he is before rushing into marriage. The talk of marriage took Madeline by surprise, since (being 28 years old and single) she had resigned herself to being an old maid.

Hop Hop used an ancient Chinese secret remedy to extract the bullet and heal Brigham’s wound. God spoke up, and Brigham asked God to clarify who were the “chosen people” he had to lead. God explained that Brigham had been called upon to help the morons of the world, but Brigham misunderstood. After Brigham’s talk with God, Hop Hop urged Brigham to make peace with Will. Hop Hop drove the point home by singing “The Rose.”

Will McGotnuthin was sitting at the bar, talking to Constance, when Brigham Young entered. Out of habit, Will and Brigham drew their weapons at the sight of each other. Constance persuaded them to sit down and play a game of “Connect Four” (even though none of them knew the rules). Once they’d settled down, Brigham explained that he’d been chosen to lead the Mormons to Sioux City, Iowa…and they’d need a teacher.

CONSTANCE: “Do they need a whore, too?”
BRIGHAM: “Do they ever!”

That evening, at the hoedown, everybody was enjoying themselves and partaking of Roswell’s wine coolers. The threatened conflict between Will McGotnuthin and “Hasem Minken” came to nothing when Will realized that Abraham Lincoln wasn’t his enemy. As Lincoln and Sam the Horse discussed filing a lawsuit over Sam’s broken ass, the focus shifted to Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine as they shared a passionate kiss.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 7: A Little One Point Thanksgiving

Episode 7: A Little One Point Thanksgiving

To take his mind off of Shirlene’s death, Sam the Horse was teaching Will McGotnuthin how to pitch horseshoes. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and Sam soon started crying so hard that he threw up. Will explained that it’s natural to be attracted to the “bad girl” (or, in Shirlene’s case, the “bad girl/boy”); it’s all part of the evolutionary process. However, Sam had been too busy putting his shoes back on to listen to Will’s explanation.

Brigham Young arrived at the general store, where Roswell Diabolicus pointed out that Brigham hadn’t been in to work in 4 weeks. Brigham explained that, as manager, he’d given himself a good talking-to about his absenteeism. Roswell decided that maybe the position of manager had been too much for Brigham, and made him assistant manager instead.

ROSWELL: “You’ll have the same responsibilities, but less pay.”
BRIGHAM: “I like where this is going.”

Adding to their problems, the store’s entire stock of food had been eaten by the rats which Shirlene let loose before she died. Roswell and Brigham discussed the idea of getting more food by hunting animals. Brigham proposed that they kill and eat Will McGotnuthin instead. Roswell admired the viciousness of Brigham’s plan.

Traumatized by her imprisonment at Castle Gayskull, Constance Snell had started hearing voices and believed that Jesus spoke to her. Constance and Hop Hop decided to go hunting for food, with Hop Hop using his new invention, the Chicken-Scope (his chicken, Mr. Cluck-No-More, attached to a rifle barrel). Constance asked why they couldn’t just eat Mr. Cluck-No-More instead.

Madeline went out to the woods to talk to Red Clay about the food shortage. Red Clay was angry about the way the white man always comes to the Indian for help, only to repay them with beads and massacres. However, with his tribe all dead, the people of Little One Point were now the only family Red Clay had. Madeline convinced Red Clay to help them with a long, moving speech about the true nature of family (which somehow incorporated the word “uterus”).

Sam the Horse paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus, berating Roswell for revealing the fact that Roswell had fathered everyone in town.

SAM: “How are we going to keep our evil circle from being broken when we keep divulging information we shouldn’t?”

And with that, Sam pulled off his mask, revealing the human being inside his “horse” persona!

Constance Snell and Hop Hop were out hunting when Sam (back in his horse disguise) passed by, talking about how full and fat he felt. Wondering where Sam had gotten food, Hop Hop pulled out a fortune cookie for advice. The starving Constance grabbed the cookie and wolfed it down, fortune and all. Hop Hop pondered how to retrieve the fortune.

CONSTANCE: “Honey, you gonna crack me open, you’re gonna have to pay for it.”

On his way to the school, Will McGotnuthin ran into Brigham Young. They pulled their weapons on each other and decided to resume their showdown, which had been interrupted by the dynamite blast a couple of weeks ago. To make the showdown more fair, Brigham gave Will one of his guns. They took three paces, turned and fired. Both men fell.

Sam was “helping” Red Clay find food in the woods, pointing out such delicacies as crabgrass. Suddenly, a sheep wandered into the area. Red Clay carefully stalked the sheep with his bow & arrow. After Red Clay wounded the sheep, both Sam and Red Clay wrestled it to the ground and broke off its head.

Madeline paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus to see if his genius had come up with a way of providing food. Since she had learned that Roswell was her biological father, there was even more tension than usual between them. She brought the subject around to the famine, pointing out that even Roswell looked more gaunt than usual.

ROSWELL: “Yes, I’ve lost 13 pounds…reducing my weight to 13 pounds.”

Roswell asked her to call everyone in town to the giant table, but Madeline warned him that she hoped this wasn’t one of his evil plans. Enraged, Roswell started ranting about his daughter’s ingratitude. Madeline was thrilled, because a family argument was just what they needed to make this a REAL Thanksgiving.

Will McGotnuthin and Brigham Young both came to, trying to figure out who shot whom. Will had been wounded in the arm, and Brigham, clutching his chest, declared that Will’s bullet had passed through him in four places. As Brigham lay gravely wounded, God spoke and reassured Brigham that he would live. Brigham waited for God to add more to the message, but that was it.

All the townspeople (except for Will & Brigham) gathered around the communal table, preparing for the Thanksgiving dinner of lamb and corn. Everyone took turns saying what they were thankful for. Madeline gave thanks for fashion and forgiveness. Red Clay gave thanks to the Great Sheep Spirit for letting him kick its head off. Constance was thankful that the sheep’s head was gone so she didn’t have to look at it. Roswell gave thanks that “the icy grip of death hasn’t clutched us.” Roswell then announced that he had his own contribution to make to the feast. Suddenly, he snapped the neck of his monstrous bobcat Mr. Nosy and placed it on the table as “kitty stuffing.” Finally, Hop Hop gave thanks for Little One Point, the land of opportunity. They all started singing in celebration, when Will McGotnuthin burst in and announced that Brigham Young was dying in the street.

TO BE CONTINUED…