Season 5, Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit

Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit

Will McGotnuthin dismissed his class, telling the children that he may not be around to teach them anymore, since his sisters had come to town. As the kids left, Crab and Carnita McGotnuthin entered and confronted their brother. They lectured him about his leaving them to rot in jail…then handed him a script. Whether he liked it or not, he was joining the family Shakespeare troupe again…mainly because Crab was sick of playing all the men’s parts.

Madeline Clementine wandered on the outskirts of town. Though she was still suffering from amnesia, her horrible facial wounds had been repaired by the herbal remedies of the old Indian woman She-Heals-So-Good. Suddenly, Jesus Christ came by, riding on the Easter Bunny. They discussed her amnesia, and Madeline admitted that her loss of memory had filled her with a sense of purpose to find out both her own identity and that of her true love. Jesus explained that her amnesia was a blessing in disguise, since it had rid her of all her emotional baggage.

Constance Snell was starstruck after meeting the McGotnuthin sisters. She told them that she had done some performing of her own, and gave them a sample of her stand-up comedy act. They invited her to join their troupe.

In an attempt to add more variety to her fan-dancing act, Titsy McJugpuddles was practicing the “Who’s on First” routine with Ass Masterson. Suddenly, a mysterious masked stranger entered. He announced that he was the notorious Kissing Bandit, and that his kiss reveals the heart’s desires. He kissed Titsy, who immediately broke into song (something about becoming half-fish). The Bandit then kissed Ass Masterson, who revealed that his heart’s desire was to be an uncle (“all the joys of parenthood without all the bitching & moaning”).

In Madeline’s absence, Roswell Diabolicus had appointed himself sheriff. Mayor Trapper Jean came to his door, campaigning for re-election. Roswell noticed Jean’s new upbeat personality, but Jean feebly claimed that he was still the same old evil Jean. Roswell suggested that Jean prove his evilness by signing an affidavit confessing to killing Hop Hop. Jean refused to sign, but did admit his guilt in the presence of the baby…who, besides being invulnerable, could also record and play back anything he heard. As sheriff, Roswell arrested Trapper Jean. Knowing that no ordinary cell could hold Jean, Roswell announced that he had designed a special “Trapper Keeper.”

The McGotnuthin family and Constance were rehearsing their show. As Will and Apollonia practiced a love scene, Apollonia went off script and revealed that she truly did feel a forbidden love for her brother. Everybody in the room was freaked out by this revelation, but before they could discuss it, the Kissing Bandit entered and started kissing everyone. One by one, they revealed their deepest wishes. Crab wanted to go to New York and work with the greatest actor of all: John Wilkes Booth. Apollonia wanted to stop robbing & raping every man she met, and just settle down and rape the same man every night. Carnita wanted to stop wandering from town to town, and to establish a permanent Shakespeare festival in Atlanta. And Constance just wanted to see Carnita’s breasts pop out of her bodice.

Trapper Jean was struggling to escape from the binder that shackled his hands. (“If you think these chains can bind me…you’re pretty much correct.”) Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit arrived and kissed Jean. Jean realized that his true heart’s desire was to continue his evil ways, and that he was only fooling himself by trying to reform. Filled with a renewed sense of purpose, Jean burst free from the Trapper Keeper and swore revenge on Roswell.

Will McGotnuthin was packing up his belongings when he looked out the window and saw Madeline Clementine wandering in the street. He rushed out and hurriedly explained that the Kissing Bandit had made him realize that his heart’s desire was to be with her, but he CAN’T be with her or else his sisters would kill her, so he had to run away for her own protection. He then rushed off before Madeline could explain about her amnesia or ask him who he was.

MADELINE: “I feel a tremendous sense of loss, but its source is unclear to me.”

Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson had just finished constructing the stage for the McGotnuthins’ performance. Suddenly, Trapper Jean ran across the stage.

ASS: “Well, we know it can withstand the running of a man.”
JESUS: “But can it withstand Shakespearean acting?”
ASS: “NOTHING can withstand Shakespearean acting.”

Roswell Diabolicus was in the sheriff’s office, contemplating what he would do with his authority. He came up with a plan to arrest everybody in town, appoint himself mayor, and then secede from the Union. With Little One Point as his own sovereign nation, and with the power of the Rhode Island Cannon, Roswell would soon dominate the world. Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit rushed in and kissed Roswell (his most passionate kiss yet). Roswell realized that all his evil plans were just a cry for the attention he desired…the attention that his brother, Jesus Christ, always got. Roswell then informed the Kissing Bandit that he had one more desire… “Your brains as wallpaper!” With that, Roswell shot the Kissing Bandit.

Seeking revenge on Roswell, Trapper Jean was running to Castle Gayskull in slow-motion. He passed by Titsy’s Place and decided to stop in for a slow-motion quickie. Titsy (still in slow-motion) explained that she’d realized she preferred the intimate company of women. This only got Trapper Jean even more turned on.

Roswell Diabolicus was randomly shooting people in the street when Trapper Jean ran up at normal speed. Roswell tried to raise his gun to defend himself, but dropped it. Jean grabbed Roswell’s gun and declared that, with Roswell out of the way, now HE would carry out all of Roswell’s evil plans. Roswell pointed out that Jean probably couldn’t kill him, since he’d survived so many seemingly certain-death situations. Jean explained that he wasn’t going to kill him…he was simply going to shoot him with the mind-control bullets that Roswell himself had invented!

As the Shakespeare festival ended, the McGotnuthin sisters drew their weapons to hold up the audience. Madeline and Jesus pled with Will not to go through with it, but he couldn’t defy his sisters. After the rape & robbery were complete, the McGotnuthins made their escape with Will in tow as part of the gang again.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 23: The Georgia Shakespeare Festival

Episode 23: The Georgia Shakespeare Festival

With the election coming up, Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to persuade Will McGotnuthin to run for mayor. She assured him that his shady past with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe was a safe secret, since the only other person who knew (Brigham Young) had left town. Will was comforted by her reassurance…until he discovered a flyer announcing the arrival of the McGotnuthin Family Shaxspur Jubilee.

Titsy McJugpuddles was doing a lap-fan-dance as part of a private party for Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell stopped her, partly because he wasn’t attracted to the 6-foot Titsy, but mostly so that they could talk business. Impressed by Titsy’s ambition in taking over the saloon, Roswell wanted her to take Trapper Jean’s place as his new partner-in-crime. To seal the deal, Roswell demonstrated what a lap-dance is SUPPOSED to look like.

Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson were playing checkers, but Jesus could sense that Ass was troubled. Ass explained that he wanted to fulfill his father’s last wish by giving his dad’s lover, Roswell Diabolicus, an operation to make Roswell a complete woman. Jesus suggested that Ass would better serve his father’s memory by planting a tree in his name. Ass confessed that he didn’t know his father’s name, but simply called him “Sir.” Jesus suggested that Ass open a Christmas tree farm and name it “Sir’s Firs.”

Trapper Jean was at the bar, preparing his re-election acceptance speech, when the McGotnuthin sisters (Carnita, Apollonia, and Crab) entered. Jean couldn’t help but gawk and ogle at the beautiful sisters.

CARNITA: “My eyes are up here.”
JEAN: “Well, I am not interested in your eyes.”

After they explained about their Shakespeare festival, Jean suggested that he might sponsor it, since being a patron of the arts would help his image for the election. Carnita turned down his offer. Impressed (and aroused) by her severe manner, Jean agreed to give them the best suite in the hotel, then explained an elaborate password procedure. Crab took Carnita aside and confessed that she had misgivings about their plans to rob the audience and rape the men at the end of the show.

After a long day of baby-sitting, Madeline came to the general store to return the baby to Roswell Diabolicus’ dubious care. She noticed that Roswell had built a separate stockroom, so that the cases of dynamite would no longer have to be kept in the classroom with the children. Roswell admitted that he had developed a bit more concern for others since he started taking care of the baby. In turn, Madeline confessed that she had fallen in love with Will McGotnuthin. Roswell approved of their relationship, but urged Madeline to dissuade Will from running for mayor. He explained that the power of office would corrupt Will, and that he was only thinking of her happiness. Madeline was reluctant to accept this explanation, so Roswell switched tactics and started beating her with the baby.

Titsy McJugpuddles showed Carnita McGotnuthin to her room. Titsy was upset that the Shakespeare festival would be stealing the spotlight from her fan-dance act, and was also jealous that Carnita had attracted Trapper Jean’s attention. However, Carnita suggested that they could join forces to play Trapper Jean for all he’s worth. And to make sure the money keeps coming in, they needed to make sure Jean stays in office.

Will McGotnuthin had just finished teaching the children about llamas (“Never forget… they spit!”), when Roswell Diabolicus entered disguised as Madeline Clementine. Roswell/Madeline urged Will to drop out of the mayoral race, launching into an impassioned, twisted speech about the dangers of power. Being completely whipped, Will agreed to do as “she” said.

Meanwhile, the real Madeline regained consciousness. Ass Masterson passed by, dragging a tree behind him, when he noticed that his sister had been badly disfigured. When he asked what had happened, he discovered that Madeline was now suffering from amnesia.

Trapper Jean was explaining his mayoral campaign to Crab McGotnuthin. Crab was intrigued by the political process, explaining that in Shakespeare’s plays, power was seized by assassination. Jean replied that that was precisely what he had done, by shooting Hop Hop and declaring himself mayor. Jean asked Crab for a sample of Shakespeare, and she recited the “What a piece of work is man” speech from “Hamlet.” Moved to tears, Jean realized that he had lost touch with his own humanity, shielding himself behind his guns and pelts. Jean resolved to turn over a new leaf and run his campaign on a strong moral stand. Crab advised him not to mention his killing the former mayor.

Jesus Christ and Apollonia McGotnuthin were discussing their favorite rabbit recipes, and realized they had a lot in common. Apollonia offered Jesus a rose. When Jesus pointed out that she’d given him two roses, she broke down in embarrassment and confessed that she didn’t know how to count. Jesus taught her math, and in return, she taught him about Shakespeare. They performed the balcony scene from “Romeo & Juliet,” and Jesus went way off script. Just as they were about to kiss, Will McGotnuthin walked by and was stunned to find himself face-to-face with his twin sister once again. Will urged Apollonia to come clean about her criminal activities.

WILL: “Go on, confess to Jesus! That’s what he’s for!”
JESUS: “Hey, I’d like to think that’s not ALL I’m here for…”

Apollonia admitted that she and her sisters always rob and rape the audience after each performance. Jesus was shocked that Apollonia would do such a thing. (“I don’t even know you anymore!”) Feeling hurt and betrayed, Jesus walked away.

APOLLONIA: “Every time I meet a nice guy, THIS happens!”

TO BE CONTINUED…