Season 3, Episode 19: Making Plans for Nigel

Guest-starring John Gregorio as Dr. Nigel Nobbs (returning from Season 2) and Jed Broitman as Chuchele.

Episode 19: Making Plans for Nigel

Mad Dog was at Atlanta Medical Center, recovering from the heart attack he had at the end of the last episode. ShiShi had turned his room into a bar to make him feel at home. Dr. Nigel Nobbs arrived and ordered a scotch. After asking Mad Dog a few questions about his symptoms, Dr. Nobbs was about to leave when Mad Dog started coughing and heaving.

Vladimir was going through the old guestbooks, calling up women with whom he could repopulate the earth. Chuchelo Pachangele arrived and asked for a room. Vladimir struggled to write the guest’s name, then just gave up and gave him the keys.

Celeste informed Bert that her optometrist had said her eyesight was deteriorating, and that she’d probably be blind again in a week. She told Bert she wanted to see her own wedding before that, and she got down on her knee to propose. Bert made her switch places so he could propose the traditional way. Since he didn’t have a ring handy, he gave her his gun instead.

Cecil visited Dr. Weeds in the garden and thanked him for setting into motion the events revealing his destiny as the Chosen One. Dr. Weeds confided that only now that he’d destroyed the sun had he discovered a reason to live. He told Cecil that the process could be reversed if a person got into the laser and was launched into the sun to reignite it, although that person would be incinerated instantly. Weeds was pondering whether to sacrifice himself so that ShiShi (and, incidentally, the rest of the world) could live. Suddenly, Cecil had an idea. Since it’s his destiny as the Chosen One to save the world and kill the alien intruder, he proposed finding the alien and stuffing HIM into the laser.

Dr. Buddy explained to 111x9 that he was an alien (taking off his coat to reveal his spacesuit as he did so). He asked 111x9 to be “Daddy’s little henchman.”

Dennis the vulture showed Dr. Nobbs to his room. Nobby found a remote-control, but there was no TV in the room. Pressing a button, Nobby speculated that it might cause something interesting to happen elsewhere. Elsewhere, Bert fell through a trapdoor.

Bert landed in Cecil’s apartment. Cecil told his dad that he was the Chosen One, and that he needed help finding the alien. Bert was astounded: “Oh my God, you know! How did you find out?” Bert revealed that the mafia was actually an alien race placed on Earth to prepare for this final battle, culminating with the offspring of a mafia alien and a Jewish human. Cecil was that offspring.

Still bent on reproduction, Vladimir asked ShiShi to fix him up with her dancer friends from the Clermont Lounge.

ShiShi: “I’ve tried to put that part of my life behind me.”
Vladimir: “Well, I’d like you to put that part of your life right in front of me.”

Dennis visited his old friend Chuchelo. Chuchelo confessed that he was an illegal alien, and asked Dennis to help him improve his English and blend in. Dennis advised him to go to night school at Georgia State, and to change his name to “Steve.”

Celeste told ShiShi about her engagement, proudly displaying Bert’s gun around her finger. Celeste asked ShiShi to sing at the wedding, and ShiShi agreed gleefully…until Celeste asked her to sober up for the ceremony. ShiShi told Celeste that she couldn’t sing when she was sober, and that she couldn’t bear being boring old Doris Mayfield again. Celeste agreed to let ShiShi drink, but asked her to dress up for the wedding.

Mad Dog ran away from the hospital and visited Dr. Weeds. Mad Dog told Weeds that while he was stuffed in the locker room, he found Weeds’ plans…and a Georgia Power helmet, proving that Weeds had destroyed the sun so that Georgia Power would be even more powerful. Weeds admitted that his motive had originally been money, but he’d actually gone through with it for love. Mad Dog revealed that he only had a short time to live, then offered to sacrifice himself to reignite the sun.

Bert was at the front desk when Dr. Nobbs arrived. Nobbs told Bert that he’d found evidence of alien activity in the hotel. Bert asked him what he would do if he met an alien, and Nobbs said that he’d just like to have a conversation and learn from them. Bert was prepared to take him up on that, when Nobby showed him the mysterious remote and asked “By the way, what does this do?” Bert fell through the trapdoor again.

Vladimir was warding off a horde of post-apocalyptic marauders with a flaming mop when Dennis the vulture came by. They took refuge in the hotel, and Vladimir told Dennis that he was leaving a legacy, fathering dozens of children so the Sonovavich line could live on. When Dennis tried to point out that the world would end long before the requisite nine months, Vladimir revealed that some of his children had been born and started growing already. Evidently, HE’S been breeding with aliens too, creating more poo-babies just like 111x9.

Dr. Buddy and 111x9 were playing “Daddy’s Little Henchman” when Cecil arrived, gun in hand. Suddenly, Bert fell into the room. Using his powers, 111x9 forced Bert and Cecil to sit down and paralyzed their trigger fingers. 111x9 demanded that Cecil turn over the Tiki, or he’d be forced to open a can of whoop-ass. Suddenly, Cecil drew a second gun with his free hand.

ShiShi sang an emotional rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Celeste was being fitted for a wedding dress when “Steve” came into the dress shop looking for a job. Celeste invited him to the wedding.

Dr. Weeds and Mad Dog were preparing for Mad Dog’s final sacrifice when Dr. Buddy and 111x9 arrived, with Bert and Cecil as their hostages. (Cecil had forgotten to load his second gun.) Dr. Buddy started gloating about his victory, but was distracted when he saw Mad Dog there. While Buddy and 111x9 tried to talk Mad Dog out of it, Cecil loaded his gun and shot 111x9. Bert restrained Buddy as Mad Dog climbed into the laser and was launched into the sun.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 18: ...The Sun Is Gone

Episode 18: …The Sun Is Gone

Alone in his lab, Dr. Weeds celebrated his success in finally destroying the sun, and laughed maniacally.

Bert was amazed to learn that Celeste could see now. Celeste was equally surprised to discover how handsome Bert was, and she asked him to turn around so she could really check him out. With her sight being restored and the world coming to end, they decided to cut out the chit-chat and just have sex.

Vladimir was working the front desk when ShiShi came in, complaining that CVS was completely sold out of self-tanning products. They discussed the state of the sun-deprived city. Vladimir lamented that he saw no point in running the hotel in these end times. ShiShi urged him not to give in to despair, and to use his Russian ingenuity to find a solution.

Vladimir: “I believe man will reinvent himself.”
ShiShi: “Aw, we don’t have time for that!”

Dennis the vulture was still holding 111x9 prisoner in the basement. 111x9 asked Dennis if he was cold, then offered him a pill to keep him warm. After 111x9 proved it was safe by taking one himself, Dennis took the pill and started feeling groovy. He suddenly got the urge to make prank phone calls.

Worried by 111x9’s disappearance, Mad Dog paced around his room until Dr. Buddy came home. Mad Dog asked Buddy how he felt about faking his own death, then told him all about Vladimir’s plan to kill him for his insurance money. Buddy suggested that they kill Vladimir instead. Mad Dog was upset by all this talk of killing, but Buddy tried to win him over with a mysterious form of foreplay involving a Jar Jar Binks puppet.

Cecil Caponé conferred with his Tiki god. The Tiki told him it was his destiny to lead his people to “the warm spot.” Cecil considered this, and realized he meant the ozone-hole in Antarctica.

After sex, Bert and Celeste were amazed by how incredible it was. Celeste suggested they do it again.

Bert: “What do I look like to you? You turn me around like I’m some piece of meat, and now you just want to do it with me continuously? God, I love you!”

Vladimir was at the front desk when he heard a knocking at the trap door underneath. He opened the door and released 111x9. Vladimir was unnerved by how much the child had grown in two weeks, not to mention his mysterious behavior. His heart softened when he realized all 111x9 wanted was his parents…and a pair of breasts to suck on. Vladimir told 111x9 that he was being deprived of mother’s milk, and that he would be better off without Dr. Buddy as a parent. 111x9 offered Vladimir a pill to give him the strength to kill Buddy.

Cecil was getting a candy bar from the hotel vending machine when Bert came by for some cigarettes…without his pants. After a few subtle hints, Cecil realized that his dad had gotten lucky. Cecil tried to apologize to Bert about their argument and tell him about the Tiki’s prophecy, but found he couldn’t talk to him until he put some pants on.

Dr. Weeds was at the salad bar at Shoney’s when ShiShi came by. There was an awkward moment, and finally ShiShi asked him why he had to blow up the sun. She told him she thought she’d helped him heal his broken heart. Weeds realized how much he truly felt for ShiShi, and he asked her to come away with him.

Dr. Weeds: “Make love to me as though it’s the end of the world.”
ShiShi: “Because it is! So I won’t have to pretend, will I?”
Dr. Weeds: “For the first time for a woman with me, no, you won’t have to pretend.”

Searching the basement for 111x9, Mad Dog found Dennis passed out. He revived the vulture, who told Mad Dog all about everything that had happened down there. Then he started ranting all about 111x9’s wide variety of creepiness until he passed out again.

111x9 came home to Dr. Buddy and informed him that the “plumping pills” were working perfectly. Dr. Buddy revealed that everything was going according to HIS plan…his ALIEN plan. Now that the sun was gone, Earth would soon find its way to a new orbit around Jupiter, where Buddy’s people would move in and use the plumped-up humans as food.

A montage of Dr. Weeds and ShiShi’s romance ended with them in the bedroom. Dr. Weeds realized that all this time, all he needed was a plug for the hole in his heart, and ShiShi was that plug. Weeds was so inspired, HE sang to ShiShi for a change.

Cecil told the Tiki that he couldn’t handle the pressure of saving the world. The Tiki tried to convince him of his destiny, warning him that there were alien forces at work. Cecil put a gun to the Tiki’s head, then to his own, threatening to kill himself to escape the responsibility. The Tiki told Cecil he was their only hope, thus appealing to the Star Wars geek in him.

Mad Dog and Dennis got drunk and made prank phone calls.

Celeste ran into Vladimir and found him incredibly hot. She explained that now that she could actually see men, her sex drive had gone into overtime. She was worried whether she should stay loyal to Bert or try to experience as much sex as she could. Vladimir told her there was much more to experience in life than just sex, and Celeste suddenly got a headache. Vladimir told Celeste that he had a plan to save the world…and best of all, it fit in with her own plans. He urged Celeste to keep having sex with Bert until she attains spontaneous combustion and brings fire back to the world.

Bert (now wearing pants) found Cecil holding the gun to his head. He put a gun to his own head, telling Cecil that he’d be killing both of them by pulling the trigger. He told Cecil that he’d had a back-up plan the entire time, and that he needed his help. Cecil put the gun down, then turned it on Bert.

Completely smashed, Mad Dog and Dennis staggered back to Dr. Buddy and 111x9. Dr. Buddy put them under hypnosis and told them that he had two enemies, Vladimir and “The Chosen One.” He explained that another race of aliens besides his own had visited Earth and left “a little brown messenger.” (Mad Dog: “Tito Puente?”) He told them that they needed to find the little brown oracle and stop the Chosen One. He left them with a post-hypnotic command to kill the first person they see after they hear the word “icebox.”

Cecil went to Vladimir for advice. He explained that he had been receiving instructions from the Tiki, and Vladimir realized that Cecil was the Chosen One. Vladimir informed Cecil that that meant that 111x9 was the Anti-Chosen One. He showed Cecil the pill that 111x9 had given him, explaining that he’d had it analyzed and discovered it was full of powerful mind-controlling drugs and a drop of retsin. Vladimir gave Cecil a secret weapon to use in his struggle against 111x9: a pair of wax wings.

Mad Dog, Dennis, Bert, Celeste and Dr. Weeds all gathered to watch ShiShi perform. Unfortunately, ShiShi couldn’t think of any songs that weren’t sun-obsessed, until Dr. Weeds led them all to join together for “We Are the World.” Mad Dog was so moved, he announced that his heart had grown six sizes. Then he collapsed.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 17: I Can See Clearly Now...

Introducing Sloane Warren as the adolescent 111x9.

Episode 17: I Can See Clearly Now…

Now that they were restored to their proper bodies, Cecil and Dr. Weeds discussed what they’d learned from the experience. Cecil had gotten a glimpse into the human soul, and wanted to follow a more spiritual path. To this end, he’d started carrying around a Hawaiian Tiki figure, a monkey’s paw, and a cup he’s pretty sure Christ drank from. Dr. Weeds had found the determination to follow through with his plans, and so was returning to work on his laser.

Mad Dog and Dr. Buddy were arguing about the boarding school bills when their son, 111 x 9, returned from school. Since being born last week, the boy had really shot up and matured quickly. 111 x 9 told Buddy and “Mom Dog” that he wasn’t happy at the boarding school, and wanted to be somewhere with more feminine companionship. He showed his parents the acceptance letters he’d received from Oxford, Harvard, and Georgia Tech. He told them he was leaning towards Tech for all the hot chicks there. Mad Dog and Buddy were amazed that they’d given birth to a heterosexual.

Bert Caponé was instructing Dennis the vulture on the finer points of being a consigliere. He then gave Dennis the sad news that his criminal empire was bankrupt. Since Dennis had done such a good job turning the hotel around, he wanted the bird to do the same for his entire operation. Bert revealed that he knew Dennis, not Dr. Weeds, was the true mastermind behind the laser. He asked Dennis to help him use the laser to hold the world for ransom, rather than destroy the sun like Dr. Weeds wants.

Celeste told Vladimir that she’d given up her acting career because she was happier just being herself. Vladimir suggested that she could still have a career by being herself and not acting, just like Brendan Fraser. He then suggested that she get lessons from the best actor at the hotel: Dr. Buddy, whom Vladimir knew to be a big faker.

Dr. Weeds confronted Dr. Buddy, seeking revenge for all the terrible things Buddy had done to him. However, Dr. Buddy pointed out all the upside of those acts: Weeds was now getting along with Cecil, and Weeds had actually played the hero by coming to ShiShi’s rescue. It was all part of Buddy’s special brand of therapy. Dr. Buddy even regarded having his dick blown off as a small price to pay for having turned Weeds into a better person. Dr. Weeds realized that Buddy was right. Then Dr. Buddy asked Dr. Weeds for a favor involving the laser.

Dennis the vulture ran into Cecil, who showed him his Tiki god statue. Dennis asked “Who are you, Greg Brady?”, then did a long Brady Bunch routine until Cecil got fed up and put a gun to the bird’s head. They sat down and talked about Cecil’s spiritual quest.

Cecil: “I’m trying to find God…and he’s not in the Gregorio, that’s for sure!”

Cecil speculated that perhaps he could get back into God’s good graces by redeeming his father. As he pondered this, Dennis grabbed his gun.

“Mom Dog” and 111 x 9 were having a father/son talk about school.

111 x 9: “I don’t have to go to school. I don’t have to do ANYTHING.”
Mad Dog: “Now that’s American talking!”

111 x 9 asked Mad Dog how his beer was. Mad Dog replied, “Fine, rich, foamy…” Then he passed out.

Later, Dr. Buddy came home and found 111 x 9 alone. 111 x 9 told Buddy that Mad Dog was out “taking a walk.” Then he showed Buddy a condom he claimed to have found in Mad Dog’s drawer. Shocked by this evidence of infidelity, Buddy broke down crying and begged 111 x 9 never to drink like his parents do. 111 x 9 asked ominously, “How are you feeling, father?” Buddy sobbed that he was hurting, and asked his son “Don’t you have any human emotions?” Horrified, Buddy realized that he doesn’t.

Dennis the vulture went to visit Dr. Weeds in the lab. Weeds told Dennis that he’d finally gotten back on track and was ready to launch the laser. Dennis mocked Dr. Weeds’ desire for world-destruction: “Oh, my wife died at the Olive Garden, so I’m going to blow up the sun and freeze the world!” Dr. Weeds reminded Dennis about his OWN dead wife, a swan named Penelope. The memories came flooding back and Dennis started crying. Dr. Weeds persuaded Dennis that his laser could put an end to the pain for both of them.

Cecil and Bert had dinner at The Bridgetown Grill, where “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” played incessantly until Bert attacked the musician. Cecil tried to win his father over to the side of righteousness. The conversation turned into a furious argument about God and religion, with Cecil renouncing Catholicism and Bert making fun of the Tiki. They parted on bitter terms:

Cecil: “You’re dead and you don’t even know it.”
Bert: “You’re dead to me!”

Celeste was dusting in Dr. Weeds’ lab when she stumbled across the laser. Feeling around the equipment, she noticed it was missing two D batteries. Luckily, she always carries around some spare Energizers. As she installed them, the laser whirred to life, with Celeste right in the beam’s path.

Vladimir was changing in the staff locker room when he discovered an unconscious Mad Dog in his locker. After Vladimir dragged him to the bed, Mad Dog came to and realized that 111 x 9 had slipped him a mickey. Mad Dog grinned proudly about his son’s mischievous antics. Vladimir told Mad Dog that Dr. Buddy was not fit to be a father figure for their son. He told Mad Dog that “Dr.” Buddy was a fake who’d gotten his degree by mail-order. He also cautioned that Buddy was a gifted hypnotist, and might be influencing Mad Dog in his sleep. He urged Mad Dog to get rid of Buddy…and as a final incentive, pointed out Buddy’s $1.5 million life insurance policy.

Dennis was working the front desk when 111 x 9 entered. They introduced themselves, and when Dennis realized that 111 x 9’s “Mom Dog” was Bert’s arch-enemy Mad Dog Maddox, Dennis pulled Cecil’s gun on the youngster and forced him into the basement.

Dr. Weeds arrived in the lab to find the laser fully operational, and a stunned Celeste in front of it. Celeste took off her glasses and discovered that she could see now!

Mad Dog came home and found the despondent Dr. Buddy. As Mad Dog gave Buddy a foot massage, Buddy accused him of having an affair with Vladimir, confronting him with the condom as “proof.” Mad Dog’s only response was to suck Buddy’s toes.

Bert was in his office when Vladimir came in, beaming with pride about a huge amount of money he’ll soon be receiving.

Vladimir: “It will happen soon, unless a giant laser blows up the sun.”
Bert (panicked): “What do you know about the laser?”
Vladimir (confused): “It’s a metaphor.”

Vladimir explained his plan to kill Dr. Buddy for his insurance. Bert approved whole-heartedly, adding that Buddy used to be part of his organization. When Bert asked who would do the job on Buddy, Vladimir replied: “Mad Dog is so pissed, he’ll probably eat him alive from the feet up.”

Cecil ran into Celeste, who explained excitedly that she could see, and was taking in as many sights as she could in case the effects were fleeting. She told Cecil he was beautiful, then ran off to see some more. Cecil remarked to himself that things were falling into place, then took out his Tiki and smiled.

Dennis was holding 111 x 9 prisoner in the basement. He asked 111 x 9 how old he was, and the kid replied: “I’m 12 now. I should be 31 by next week.” 111 x 9 explained that he had been gifted with rapid growth and great intelligence due to his unusual conception as a “poo-baby,” one of only five in the world. When Dennis asked about the other four, 111 x 9 casually replied that he had killed the others because he didn’t like them. Sensing danger, Dennis started trying to butter up 111 x 9 with flattery. 111 x 9 asked ominously: “How are you feeling, Mr. Vulture?”

Celeste went to see “Battlefield Earth,” and even THAT was beautiful. Afterwards, she bought a bunch of kaleidoscopes, and was overwhelmed by the beauty of it all.

Cecil and Dr. Weeds stood before the fully-functional laser. Since he had failed to win his father over to the side of the Tiki, Cecil was ready to join Weeds in destroying the sun. Bert burst in and tried to stop them. Dr. Weeds told Bert that all three of them would be better off in a dead world, then activated the laser.

Celeste was at the top of the Statue of Liberty, delighting in all the beauty she saw all around her. Then the sun exploded.

TO BE CONTINUED (oddly enough…)

Season 3, Episode 16: The Miracle of Birth

Introducing Alasdair Faughnan as the newborn 111x9!

Episode 16: The Miracle of Birth

Celeste told ShiShi about her recent disastrous audition and bemoaned her failure as an actress. She asked ShiShi for advice on performing, and ShiShi explained how she reinveinted herself from Doris Mayfield to ShiShi LaRue. Celeste decided to adopt her own new persona: Tiffany Fox.

Mad Dog and Dr. Buddy were at their “love nest,” bemoaning the loss of “Little Buddy.”

Dr. Buddy: “Mad Dog, we need to talk about this.”
Mad Dog: “I prefer to drink about it, heavily.”

Mad Dog explained that his diet of corn, cheese and beer was all part of his plan to force humanity to evolve past the need for defecation. Suddenly, something inside Mad Dog started kicking.

Vladimir was in the lounge with Bert, bemoaning his abandonment by Tillie. He explained that he and Tillie had gotten married, but when he woke up after their honeymoon night, she had vanished. He told Bert he was glad he was able to talk to him privately, because Dennis (being a bird) just wouldn’t understand his problems.

Cecil and Dr. Weeds (still trapped in each other’s bodies) were in the lab, bemoaning Bert’s appointment of Dennis as his consigliere. They discussed their fruitless, forgotten plans to kill Bert and destroy the sun, respectively. They agreed to get back to work on those plans.

Vladimir went to see ShiShi, bemoaning his failure as a singer/songwriter. He asked her for help in finding his “inner voice,” and she reminded him about all he’d been through in his life. After a lengthy general discussion about what it means to be an artist, she asked him what made his heart sing.

Vladimir: “I am thinking about the circus. It felt like walking a tightrope…because often, you are.”

Vladimir resolved to turn his circus experiences into a country song.

Mad Dog gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

Celeste, as “Tiffany Fox,” went out on an audition and landed a gig on the WB.

Dr. Weeds (in Cecil’s body) was making the final adjustments on his laser when Bert came in and berated him for forgetting about it for so long. Weeds informed Bert that Cecil was planning not only to kill Bert (which would have been fine, since that’s a Caponé family tradition), but to humiliate him as well. Weeds then told Bert that all he needed to get the laser operational were two D batteries.

ShiShi arrived at the bar to find Mad Dog fawning over his newborn son. Mad Dog explained that he had fulfilled evolution and become the first man to give birth, having eaten some fashion-model eggs from the internet and fertilized them in his intestines. He proudly showed ShiShi his baby’s birthmark—“999.”

Cecil (in Dr. Weeds’ body) met Vladimir, who bemoaned yet again over Tillie leaving him on their honeymoon. Cecil offered to hunt Tillie down and shoot her. After an extended metaphor about ranchers, fences and rogue cattle, Vladimir agreed.

“Tiffany” ran into Dr. Buddy, and they introduced themselves. They both beamed about their respective good fortune, Tiffany with her audition and Buddy with his new baby. Tiffany congratulated Buddy and his wife, forcing Buddy into an awkward explanation about his unique situation. Mad Dog ran by to retrieve a ball the kid had thrown, and Buddy told Tiffany that Mad Dog was both the daddy AND the mommy.

Tiffany: “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You miss a week, you miss a lot!”

ShiShi and Bert were drinking at the Euclid Yacht Club. They discussed Vladimir’s musical ambitions. Bert explained that he felt Vladimir’s talents were better employed in other areas, so he wanted Vladimir to fail and get the country-music bug out of his system. He told ShiShi that he was glad she was helping Vladimir, because he was confident her assistance would assure Vladimir’s failure.

Cecil & Dr. Weeds checked on the laser, exchanged some insults, and pulled guns on each other. They bemoaned their body-switched status, and wished they could switch back like at the end of “Freaky Friday.” They suddenly realized they’d forgotten all about the laser AGAIN, and went back to work on it.

“Tiffany” went to Bert to ask for money to help further her acting career. He asked her why he should even talk to her after she dumped him. Defiantly, she told him she had no feelings for him anymore…then broke down and reverted to her old self. She cried that she was a terrible person as Tiffany, and that she just wanted to be plain old Celeste and go back to cleaning toilets. They had a passionate reconciliation, then Bert pointed her to his bathroom and told her to get to work.

Dr. Buddy was discussing childcare options with Mad Dog, when Mad Dog revealed that he’d sent the baby off to boarding school. Mad Dog told Buddy that the kid was shooting up like a weed and was already five feet tall or so. Mad Dog got misty over his son’s departure, but when Buddy tried to comfort him, Mad Dog was repulsed by the emasculated Buddy’s “bleeding crotch.”

ShiShi and Dr. Weeds were out on a date. ShiShi told Weeds that she used to look into his eye and “see the world,” but that she couldn’t do that anymore now that he was in a new body. Back at the bar, Cecil and Vladimir were going over their plans to kill Tillie. Simultaneously, Cecil and Weeds wished they were back to their old selves…and suddenly, they WERE back in their own bodies!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 15: Turnabout Extruder

Episode 15: Turnabout Extruder

Having forced Dr. Weeds and Cecil Caponé to sign over possession of the hotel, Dr. Buddy Flowers informed Mad Dog that he (Mad Dog, that is) was now owner of the Gregorio. Dr. Buddy told Mad Dog he stood to make $15 million in just a few weeks. Mad Dog’s awestruck response: “That’s a lot of corn!” (Mad Dog had been on an all-corn diet and had been constipated for three weeks. I know, it’s disgusting, but it’ll figure into the story later on. You’ve been warned.)

Still linked by the thought transmogrifier, Dr. Weeds and Cecil went to ShiShi to explain their dilemma. Alternating one word at a time, the Weeds/Cecil hybrid told her that Dr. Buddy had fused their minds together.

Tillie received a visit from Dennis the vulture, who was wearing a sombrero and fake mustache to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Tillie was overcome with emotion when she realized that it was May 5—the anniversary of all 8 of her weddings. She immediately decided that she needed to get married again. Tillie and Dennis went through a list of possible candidates for her 9th husband, and finally decided on Vladimir.

Fully recovered from his amnesia and back to his old self, Bert Caponé returned to his office only to find it locked. Vladimir reluctantly explained that Cecil had signed over the hotel to Mad Dog, but that he was “connected” to Dr. Weeds. Bert took this to mean that Weeds and Cecil had joined forces against him.

ShiShi went to see Dr. Buddy, ostensibly to thank him for reintroducing her to the pleasures of “alkyhol.” However, her handshake turned into a painful death-grip as she demanded to know what he had done to Dr. Weeds. Suddenly, Dr. Buddy pulled a gun on her.

Mad Dog told Dennis he was instituting a new dress code for the Gregorio: “Everybody’s gotta wear tassels on their nipples!” When Dennis objected, Mad Dog declared that he was in charge and that everybody had to do what he wanted. Dennis explained that vultures don’t have nipples, so Mad Dog called out and ordered some nipples for him.

Bert found the conjoined Weeds and Cecil, who explained what Dr. Buddy had done to them. Weeds and Cecil decided to break contact, regardless of the consequences. They were going to let go at the count of three, but Bert got tired of waiting and yanked the transmogrifier out of their hands.

Tillie called Vladimir up to her room. After an awkward silence, Tillie quoted Phil Collins: “It’s no fun being an illegal alien.” Then she offered Vladimir a way out of his “illegal” status.

After the initial shock of breaking contact, Dr. Weeds and Cecil came to…in each other’s bodies. Bert’s reaction: “This is like a fucked-up Star Trek episode!”

Vladimir was on strike at the front desk, picketing to be paid for every single time he helps somebody in any way. He demanded to speak to Mad Dog, but the betasselled Dennis warned him that Mad Dog had gone crazy. Dennis joined Vladimir in a united front against Mad Dog’s reign of terror.

Driving with ShiShi as his hostage, Dr. Buddy set his car’s autopilot for “the insemination cave.” He informed ShiShi that she was going to have a baby for him and Mad Dog.

Tillie told Mad Dog that she was getting married. Mad Dog reminded Tillie that her great-grandmother had warned her that marriage #9 would bring about the end of the world. Tillie’s reaction: “You’re on crack!”

Dr. Weeds and Cecil passed by Vladimir and Dennis’ picket line. Vladimir and Dennis were so shocked by Weeds’ and Cecil’s personality switch, that they had a momentary personality switch of their own.

Bert warned Mad Dog that, although Mad Dog may have taken over the hotel, Bert still had control of his vast criminal empire. Mad Dog retorted that he had an even bigger criminal empire behind him…the Gay Mafia. Suddenly, the phone rang. It was Dr. Buddy, calling to tell Mad Dog about the surprise he was preparing for him.

Vladimir and Cecil (in Dr. Weeds’ body) were searching the bar for clues to ShiShi’s disappearance. After Vladimir mistook a painting of ShiShi for the genuine article, they found a note…ShiShi’s plea for help, followed by the directions Mad Dog took down for Dr. Buddy’s hideout.

Dr. Buddy was tying ShiShi to the bed in his “insemination chamber.” ShiShi pleaded with Dr. Buddy to spare her honor, explaining that, contrary to her trampy stage persona, she was still a virgin. Undeterred, Dr. Buddy was about to deflower ShiShi when Dr. Weeds and Cecil burst in. Dr. Weeds (in Cecil’s body) jammed a gun into Dr. Buddy’s crotch and fired.

Tillie asked Vladimir to marry her. She asked him a number of questions about his suitability as a husband, until he pointed out that she hadn’t asked the most important question of all: “Do I love you?” Vladimir and Tillie declared their love for each other, and kissed passionately.

Mad Dog arrived at the “insemination chamber” to find the gravely wounded Dr. Buddy. Dr. Buddy informed Mad Dog that “Little Buddy” had been blown away onto the wall. He sobbed that he only wanted a baby for the two of them, but that it would never happen now. Suddenly, Mad Dog’s bowels went into labor. (See? I told you that all-corn diet would be relevant later on.)

Alone at the bar, Bert found Mad Dog’s list of associates in the Gay Mafia. He called up the first name on the list, and did a perfect Mad Dog impression to invite the whole gang to the hotel. Dennis came in and warned Bert that Mad Dog had gone insane. Bert replied that Mad Dog had been insane for 27 years, but agreed that he’d gone too far this time. To show his appreciation for all the good work Dennis had done, Bert appointed the vulture consigliere of the Caponé family. Then he pulled the tassels off Dennis’ chest. Bert told Dennis that their first target was Mad Dog Maddox.

Dr. Weeds, Cecil and ShiShi were driving back to the hotel. ShiShi tried to explain to the body-switched duo how she felt about both of them, then told them to turn on the radio to PEACH-94.9. To demonstrate her feelings, she called in a dedication of “Close to You” and sang along.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 14: A Meeting of the Minds

Episode 14: A Meeting of the Minds

Cecil Caponé returned from the hospital and was surprised to find Dennis the vulture working the front desk. Cecil informed Dennis that he was ready to return to his old job, but Dennis showed Cecil the books and pointed out that the hotel consistently lost money under Cecil’s management, but was making a huge profit with Dennis in charge. Cecil demanded his old job back and made a veiled threat to the bird. Dennis pooped on his head.

Tillie was watching the Crocodile Man in her room when Celeste came in to clean. Tillie noticed Celeste’s “wild and dangerous” new look, and Celeste told her about her passionate, forbidden, and VERY brief affair with Chick Starley. Celeste informed Tillie that Chick had inspired her to take up acting herself. Tillie told Celeste that, as an empowered woman, she can do anything, but still cautioned her “but watch out, ’cause you’re blind.”

ShiShi and Mad Dog talked to the bar, reminiscing about the good times they’d had there. Mad Dog asked ShiShi for advice about love. ShiShi suggested he tell her about his feelings so that they could suss out the solution, but since Mad Dog didn’t know what “suss” meant, the discussion got sidetracked.

Dr. Weeds went to see Dr. Buddy Flowers for their therapy session. Dr. Buddy continued the softening of Weeds’ image by using a marker to turn Weeds’ scar into a happy face. Dr. Buddy asked Dr. Weeds to bring in Cecil, and together they’d work out their issues with Buddy’s “radical new device.”

The amnesiac Bert/Travis ran into Vladimir at the laundromat, and they started talking about various detergents.

Bert/Travis: “You should use one of them Downy Balls.”
Vladimir: “I tell you, I AM a Downy Ball right now.”

Vladimir explained that he was depressed because it seemed like everybody at the hotel was in love except for him. Vladimir told Bert that he had taught him to love authority and power. Bert suggested that Vladimir teach that forgotten lesson back to him.

Dennis and Mad Dog were setting up the ballroom for an upcoming convention. Dennis asked Mad Dog how he felt about him as a boss, and Mad Dog confessed to some uneasiness about being around a talking bird. Dennis got up close in an attempt to ease Mad Dog’s discomfort, but accidentally pecked him on the face. Mad Dog fled in terror.

Cecil ran into Bert and recognized him in spite of the mohawk. Bert was initially surprised to hear Cecil call him “Dad,” but was moved to tears by the discovery that he had a son. Cecil and Bert hugged.

Mad Dog went to visit Dr. Buddy. Buddy offered Mad Dog his chair, then threw himself onto the bed and landed with a thud. As Buddy and Mad Dog talked, Buddy slowly sank into the bed. Buddy informed Mad Dog that his lease was running out, and that he’d soon need a place to stay. Mad Dog offered Dr. Buddy a place at the bar. Dr. Buddy eagerly accepted, then disappeared from view.

Dr. Weeds came to ShiShi’s room to pick her up for their date, only to find her passed out drunk on the bed. Dr. Weeds was disappointed to learn that ShiShi had started drinking again (“When we said I’d stop killing & you’d stop drinking, I MEANT killing & drinking!”), but confessed that he still had strong feelings for her (and that these feelings had prevented him from taking advantage of her after drugging her back in Episode 1). ShiShi explained that, now that he’s reformed, she no longer felt good enough for him. Dr. Weeds demonstrated how much she meant to him by taking off his hat. They kissed and went out for popcorn shrimp.

Cecil went to see Celeste to discuss Bert’s personality change. Much to his confusion, Celeste was talking like an Old West “Miss Kitty” saloonkeeper. Finally, she explained that she was just practicing her acting, and Cecil complimented her on her portrayal of a crazy person. Cecil was surprised that Celeste had stopped seeing Bert now that he was a nice guy, but Celeste explained that the chemistry just wasn’t there anymore since Bert changed. Suddenly, Celeste realized that, since SHE’D changed as well, maybe their transformations would counteract each other and the spark would be back.

Dennis and Vladimir were in the breakroom, commiserating over their loneliness and outsider status. Dennis suggested that they go to the Pink Pony and see the strippers. Vladimir liked the suggestion:

Vladimir: “Strippers! Women who take off their clothes for you…tease you…laugh as you leave with less money than you had before!”

Dennis suddenly lost his enthusiasm for the idea.

Travis/Bert visited Tillie to tell her about rediscovering his son. As he shared the good news, Tillie took off his sunglasses, told him he was a beautiful person, and made him look in the mirror. A strange sense of recognition came over him, and he declared “I’M BERT CAPONÉ!”

Having been invited to see Dr. Buddy, Cecil arrived and was shocked to find Dr. Weeds there as well. Cecil drew his gun, and Dr. Weeds brandished his hat. Dr. Buddy made them put their weapons away, then explained that he was going to help them work through their antagonism with his “thought transmogrifier.” As each of them took hold of the device, Dr. Buddy explained that this would help them see each other’s perspective by making them think with one mind and speak alternating one word at a time. He warned them that if they let go, their minds would be wiped out into a blank slate. Suddenly, Dr. Buddy revealed his true colors by forcing them to sign an agreement turning control of the hotel over to Mad Dog, or else he’d wipe their minds clean himself.

Weeds/Cecil: “What!” “Do!” “You!” “Think!” “You’re!” “Doing?” “You!” “Little!” “Fag!”

Celeste went to see Bert, vamping it up to beat the band. Bert was perplexed.

Vladimir and Dennis were on their way to the Pink Pony when they ran into Mad Dog. Mad Dog apologized to Dennis for his earlier panic attack. Vladimir dropped his lollipop and was deeply saddened. Mad Dog suggested he get over it with a good lap-dance.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 13: Chick & Boozy Come to the Gregorio

Episode 13: Chick & Boozy Come to the Gregorio

Mad Dog and Celeste were eating at Grand Central Pizza Station. Celeste realized that she’d never “looked” at Mad Dog, and asked if she could feel his face. Mad Dog was confused as to how that constitutes “looking,” but agreed. Celeste mentioned that she imagined Mad Dog as a short, stout man with fiery red hair. Boy, was she surprised!

Bert was working the front desk when Chick Starley and Boozy the Imp arrived to judge the Battle of the Bands. Bert charged them $150 for the room. Chick explained that he usually get comps because he’s a big star. Bert apologized for not recognizing Chick, explaining he had amnesia. Chick offered to cure Bert’s amnesia with a few tricks from the movies, then acted out a scene from “Danger Cop 2.” Bert charged him $175 for the room.

Dr. Weeds and Dennis the vulture went to see their new therapist, Dr. Buddy Flowers (“Just call me Dr. Buddy”). Dr. Buddy speculated that part of Dr. Weeds’ problem was his negative-sounding name. He suggested that Dr. Weeds change his name to “Dr. Happyman.”

Eb & Flo Towers, the Twin Towers of Rock, were warming up in the lounge when Doris Mayfield came in to clean out her locker. Doris explained that she used to be ShiShi LaRue, the hotel’s lounge singer, but she’d given up her self-destructive lifestyle of drinking and singing. The Twin Towers were consumed with despair over Doris’ decision to “let the music die.”

Dennis and Mad Dog were in the bar, going over the books. Dennis pointed out that they lost $20,000 last year, but Mad Dog didn’t care about the money as long as he had his booze. Dennis confronted Mad Dog about his drinking problem. Mad Dog was filled with shame.

Celeste showed Chick & Boozy to their room. To save time, Chick dispensed with the formalities and came on to Celeste. Celeste was taken aback, and insisted she wasn’t that kind of girl. Chick tried to get her drunk by offering her a Franzia. Celeste suddenly recognized his voice from the Franzia commercials, and was immediately starstruck.

Doris ran into Bert and was surprised by his new look. Bert explained that he had amnesia and had taken to calling himself “Travis.” Doris told “Travis” that his former life as Bert was probably best forgotten. He agreed, saying that he wanted to be a good person and that he was ashamed of his violent attack on Dr. Weeds.

Doris: “So you’d rather be Travis than Bert?”
Travis/Bert: “I just wanna be me. I’d like to grow some hair, too.”

Dr. Buddy got Dr. Weeds to change his image with a new Panama Jack/Jimmy Buffett-style “summer” outfit.

Celeste and “Travis” had a heart-to-heart talk about their relationship. Celeste explained that she just didn’t feel the chemistry or excitement that she had with the old Bert.

Travis/Bert: “Are you breaking up with me?”
Celeste: “Let’s just say I got Chick Starley’s room key.”

Dennis brought Mad Dog to see Dr. Buddy about his drinking problem. Mad Dog’s and Dr. Buddy’s eyes met, and they were instantly smitten with each other. Dr. Buddy tried to talk to Mad Dog about his drinking by using a whale puppet (much to Dennis’ amusement). But the attraction was too strong, and Dr. Buddy finally gave in and sensually shared a beer with Mad Dog.

The Battle of the Bands began, with the Twin Towers starting off. Judges Chick and Boozy exchanged lewd comments about Florence Towers (“She looks like Meredith Baxter-Birney if she went all wrong!”). The Twin Towers started rockin’, but it wasn’t long before Chick & Boozy gonged them. Ebony Towers remarked that maybe they should follow Doris’ example and quit. Florence was shocked to hear her brother talking that way, and they got into a serious argument.

Doris ran into Dr. Weeds and cracked up over his new look. He explained that he was trying to change.

Dr. Weeds: “I’m lightening up, I’m wearing khaki shorts, I’m showing off all four of my chest hairs. I named them after the members of Yes.”

Doris was charmed by Weeds’ new persona, and told him that she had changed too. Dr. Weeds invited Doris to dinner at Red Lobster. She was reluctant, but soon gave in.

Celeste came into Chick’s room and found him taking a break from his judge duties. Chick offered her the “full treatment” (“a full body massage followed by oral sex”), and they immediately jumped into bed together and started tossing their clothes away. Bert peered in through the window.

A drunken Mad Dog and Dr. Buddy went to see Doris to try to get her to start drinking again. Dr. Buddy showed Doris his navel (he’s an outie) and told her that he found himself in a bottle. When that didn’t work, he tried using a Jar Jar Binks puppet to persuade her to drink, attracting the wrath of Boozy the Imp.

Boozy: “There’s-a only room here for one puppet that talks funny and tells people to drink, and that’s-a me!”

Boozy and Jar Jar/Dr. Buddy started fighting. Doris and Mad Dog were flabbergasted.

Chick & Boozy met the next entrants in the Battle of the Bands: The Kerosene Drinkin’ Outlaws (direct from “Whiskey Soaked Lover,” coming soon to Dad’s Garage!), singing “Oakie from Muskogee.”

Dejected over losing the Battle of the Bands, Flo Towers ran into Bert. She asked him if he could get her into Chick’s room. Bert was more than happy to assist, explaining: “As long as you can get the better of Chick Starley, I’ll go along with it.”

Dr. Weeds was preparing for his date with Doris. Dennis arrived, cracked up over Weeds’ new look, then complimented him on it. They discussed Weeds’ new attitude (“I feel less evil, but more like a frat boy”), their communication problems, and Weeds’ upcoming date with Doris at Red Lobster. Dennis reminded Dr. Weeds about his wife’s fatal dinner at the Olive Garden, then asked if it was a good idea to take another woman to another crappy chain restaurant.

Chick & Boozy were getting ready to wrap up the Battle of the Bands when Mad Dog dragged Doris on stage. When Mad Dog’s bullying tactics couldn’t change Doris’ mind, Boozy tried gentle persuasion. He reminded Doris of her great talent, and asked her to remember where her singing came from. Doris DID remember, it came from her liver. Doris took a swig and ShiShi was reborn! Getting back into the groove, ShiShi brought down the house with a rousing rendition of “I Will Survive.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 11: Heavy Metal Poisoning

Episode 12: Heavy Metal Poisoning

An amnesiac Bert Caponé was released from the hospital after having been wounded in last week’s big shoot-out. Because he’d been grazed on both temples, the doctors had shaved both sides of his head (but not the center). The doctors also gave him some sunglasses and an old army jacket. Bert’s new look seemed strangely familiar…

Mad Dog met the hotel’s new musical act, the heavy-metal siblings Ebony & Florence Towers, “The Twin Towers of Rock!” Impressed, Mad Dog told them he had their workout video.

Celeste was released from prison, and Vladimir took her back to the hotel. They had a heart-to-heart talk about their recent experiences, and Vladimir declared “We will both go into hotel as new people.” With that, he pulled off his hair extensions.

With Bert having lost his memory and the gravely wounded Cecil still waiting to be admitted at Grady Hospital, Dr. Weeds was now in charge of the Gregorio. Dr. Weeds gloated over his good fortune with Dennis the vulture. Dennis tried to ask Dr. Weeds how his horrible wounds had vanished without a trace, but since Weeds couldn’t understand Dennis’ crowing, that mystery remains unanswered. Dr. Weeds got all moody and suggested to Dennis that they both see a therapist.

Bert met Tillie outside the hotel. He offered to introduce himself, but explained that he didn’t know who he was. Not recognizing him, Tillie was intrigued by the mysterious stranger. They went out for apple pie & cheese, and picked out a new name for the amnesiac: Travis Tritt.

Celeste was at the front desk when the cowboy-suited wrestling manager Bellagio Sphinx arrived. He explained that he was in town for the WCW’s big “Fall Brawl F’r All Y’All.” He took a liking to Celeste, and got her 2 comp tickets.

Vladimir and Mad Dog had a discussion about their band “Gulag,” and the arrival of the Twin Towers. Somewhere along the way, the topic drifted to Mad Dog’s green nail polish.

Eb & Flo Towers introduced themselves to Dr. Weeds, explaining that they’d be performing that weekend. When they described their music as “speed metal, heavy metal, etc.”, Dr. Weeds muttered a sinister offhand comment: “That won’t be missed.” Dennis arrived and told Dr. Weeds he was hungry. Weeds replied that he was too.

Dr. Weeds held a staff meeting. When Celeste asked if it was up to health code for Dennis to be inside the hotel, Dr. Weeds informed them that Dennis would now be in charge of the hotel’s day-to-day operations while Weeds concentrated on his laser. Vladimir traumatized Dennis with the front desk’s quill pen.

Tillie brought “Travis” to the Gregorio. He found the place strangely familiar, particularly the smell. (“That’s mothballs,” Tillie explained.) When he asked about her living in a hotel, she insisted that it was a retirement home. She explained that she’d been kicked out of every other home for sleeping around, then had a flashback to illustrate.

Bellagio Sphinx had a drink at the bar. He and Mad Dog recognized each other and did their secret handshake. They reminisced about Mad Dog’s career as “Mad Dog Maddox, the Wrestling Bonaventure.” Mad Dog explained that he had to leave because of his powerful, forbidden love for Bellagio. Bellagio replied “It’s only natural for a guy to love his papa!” Stunned by this revelation, Mad Dog made Bellagio prove that he was his father by suckling him.

The Twin Towers were doing their sound check in the lounge. Ebony recounted the time Dee Snyder told him to “stick to his guns,” which is why they haven’t changed their act since 1981. They started their set off with “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Dennis the vulture joined in.

Dennis was going over the new front desk policies to Vladimir, who resented having his job explained to him by a scavenger. Dennis taught Vladimir the basics of phone courtesy and customer relations, then gave him a raise. Vladimir got over his resentment.

Bert ran into Celeste, who recognized his voice. She tearfully poured out her heart to him about their relationship and her imprisonment, but he had no idea what she was talking about. She tried to bring him up to speed. When she mentioned Dr. Weeds, a glimmer of memory came back to him: “I remember that name! That is a name I hate, and I do not remember why I hate it!” Somebody paged Dr. Weeds over the intercom, and Bert screamed at the sound of it.

Bellagio Sphinx and Mad Dog went over their family album. Mad Dog began singing a song about his childhood, titled “Father, You Cheated Me.”

Dr. Weeds called Eb & Flo Towers to his office. He told them he’d been listening to their records backwards, and he liked what he heard. Tillie stopped by to return the records, and then Dennis called on the phone to suggest a “Battle of the Bands.” Dr. Weeds liked the idea, and arranged a competition between ShiShi and The Twin Towers. Eb mocked Dennis’ crowing. Dennis flew in and pooped on Eb’s hair.

Dennis informed Tillie that her rent would be going up to $1000 a month. Tillie told Dennis that Passover was coming, and with it the tradition of “Mah nish ta nah ha li lah ha zeh ha Dennis.” Dennis asked if that was a threat. Tillie initially said no, then changed her mind and started strangling the bird.

Celeste brought Bert to see Vladimir. Bert asked Vladimir for a job at the hotel. Vladimir tried to remind Bert that he was the owner, but Bert didn’t believe it. Vladimir tried to get Bert to hit him just like old times, but Bert insisted “I couldn’t hurt a living soul.” Just then, Dr. Weeds arrived, taunting Bert about all the things he’d done to him. Bert started beating up Dr. Weeds.

Celeste: “Can’t we go a week without killing somebody?”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 11: Everybody Dies

Guest-starring Peter Dusenberry as Sporvis Narvell.

Episode 11: Everybody Dies

Mad Dog told Ebenezer about his plans to join Vladimir’s heavy-metal band, drumming under the stage name “Chief Dripping Sticks.” Ebenezer reminisced about the time his grandfather killed the original Chief Dripping Sticks while riding with Teddy Roosevelt. They noticed a spot of cinnamon goo on the floor, and complained about how the hotel had gone downhill without Celeste there to clean.

Tillie visited Celeste in her cell. Celeste made Tillie whisper so as not to wake up her “freakazoid” roommate, LaKweesha. Tillie promised to get Celeste a good lawyer (from the firm of Feinstein, Feinstein & Feinstein), then gave her a couple of presents: a batch of brownies and a gun.

Sporvis Narvell, the lawyer Bert hired to defend Celeste, arrived in Bert’s office. Bert told Sporvis that he was having doubts about Celeste’s innocence, but that didn’t matter to Sporvis. Sporvis assured Bert he’d get Celeste off, whether she did it or not. Bert informed Sporvis that, since the victim was his wife, it DID matter. Bert told Sporvis that he didn’t just have to represent Celeste, he had to find out if she was really innocent. Sporvis was worried that he wouldn’t get paid if Celeste was found guilty, but Bert threatened him with a Steve Martin reference: “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid.” This went right over Sporvis’ head.

Cecil had a nightmare over his shooting Dr. Weeds. Mad Dog came in to find out what the noise was all about. Cecil told him about the shooting and his feelings of guilt.

Mad Dog: “That’s humanity, creeping into your stone cold heart. DON’T LET IT IN!”

Vladimir and ShiShi were discussing the staging of some musical numbers for Vladimir’s band “Gulag.” Vladimir wanted a lot of pyrotechnics, but ShiShi was worried that that would be illegal. Vladimir’s surly reply: “Who cares about illegal?” ShiShi was concerned about Vladimir’s new “rebel without a pause” attitude.

Vladimir: “You know what your problem is?”
ShiShi: “Do you want them in alphabetical order, order of importance, or chronologically?”

Vladimir told ShiShi that her problem was that very attitude (“Stop blaming yourself. Start blaming others! I know I have!”). To demonstrate, Vladimir threw a candle and declared “Not my fault.”

Sporvis Narvell went to see Celeste in her cell. He asked her whether she killed Bitsy, and Celeste said “No.” Sporvis was greatly relieved, since that meant he could get her off. He told Celeste that Bert was paying him in Peppermint Altoids, so he’d need some additional compensation from her: “I’ll be putting my penis either in you or on you.” Disturbed by the freaky, perverted lawyer, Celeste demanded to talk to Bert.

The horribly wounded Dr. Weeds staggered back towards the Gregorio, swearing revenge on Cecil.

Sporvis Narvell nervously made his way to Tillie’s room and confronted her about the gun she gave Celeste.

Sporvis: “You know what they’d do if they found this in her cell?”
Tillie: “They’d be upset?”

Tillie got Sporvis to confess that he was Jewish. She tried to calm down the twitchy attorney by giving him a copy of “Power for Living,” which he then proceeded to rub against his crotch.

Dr. Weeds crawled back to the hotel and met Ebenezer at the entrance. Weeds told Ebenezer he’d been mortally wounded, and that he needed to get revenge on Cecil Caponé before he died. Since Ebenezer had sworn revenge on the entire Caponé family, their plans dovetailed perfectly.

Bert and Cecil had a meeting to discuss Dr. Weeds’ shooting. Cecil accused Bert of going soft, pointing out that HE had been the one who avenged Bitsy’s murder, while all Bert had done was hire a lawyer. Cecil suggested that maybe Bert’s time was over.

Bert: “Are you threatening me?”
Cecil: “I’m not so much threatening you as telling you what everyone else sees.”
Bert: “Goddammit, why don’t you threaten me? I thought you were getting some balls at last. You killed that cop, you shot Dr. Weeds, why don’t you threaten me?”
Cecil: “All right, Dad. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you!”
Bert: “My boy!”

They hugged.

ShiShi sang “I Am Woman” for Vladimir and Mad Dog. Afterwards, she tearfully informed them that she’d decided to leave the Gregorio. She’d come to the conclusion that she was stagnating (“I know it’s a big word, but that’s what’s happening”) and that she needed to follow a new path to find her way. Mad Dog gave her a jar of prunes for the road. To say farewell, ShiShi started singing “Tomorrow.” Dennis the vulture joined in, and Vladimir bashed his head against the bar to escape the wholesomeness.

In their cell, LaKweesha asked Celeste what she was in for. Celeste told her she was accused of murder, and LaKweesha said “Girl, you ain’t killed nobody.” Then LaKweesha made Celeste dance for her.

Dr. Weeds gleefully described Bitsy’s murder to Ebenezer, while Sporvis Narvell listened in at the door. Sporvis burst in, weilding Tillie’s gun in one hand and “Power for Living” in the other. Dr. Weeds tried to win Sporvis over to his side, promising to actually get him women if Celeste is convicted. Sporvis was torn between Weeds’ promise and Bert’s threat, but in the end his need to get laid overpowered his need for self-preservation.

Vladimir ran into Bert at the front desk. Bert talked to Vladimir about his new attitude and destructive actions.

Vladimir: “I set grease fire in kitchen, then sent temp worker to put it out with water.”
Bert: “Oh, that kills me. Kills him, too.”

Bert told Vladimir that he wanted the hotel “turned to ash or some other form of rubble.” Vladimir agreed. Bert gave him a painful handshake and told him to get a haircut.

ShiShi stopped by Tillie’s room to tell her she was leaving the hotel. Upset, Tillie told her to go ahead and leave: “Leave me to the crocodile guy and my porn career!” ShiShi left in tears.

Dr. Weeds ran into Bert in the hallway. They pulled their guns on each other. Suddenly, Cecil arrived and pulled guns on both of them. Then EVERYBODY arrived, most of them drawing guns. Everybody opened fire and everybody fell down.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 10: I Love the Smell of Brunswick in the Morning

Guest-starring Mary Kraft as Sandra Seaver.

Episode 10: I Love the Smell of Brunswick in the Morning

Mad Dog returned from his long absence to find many changes…the first of which was Vladimir’s new hair. To express his grief over Bitsy Caponé’s stabbing, Vladimir grew his hair out and started a heavy-metal band, “Gulag.” Mad Dog liked the idea, and asked to join as the band’s drummer. Mad Dog revealed where he’d been these past few weeks: he was in his room the whole time.

Wrongfully imprisoned for stabbing Bitsy, Celeste got a surprise visit from her deaf, Southern Baptist sister Sandra Seaver. The two had an emotional discussion in their special, personal sign language.

An excitable Ebenezer showed Tillie the severed gorilla’s head he found in his bed, but was disappointed when Tillie told him it was just a Halloween mask. They discussed the big Jewish conference coming to the hotel. Tillie asked Ebenezer what “Jewish” meant to him, and the elderly spectre cheerfully rattled off a list of stereotypes.

Dr. Weeds and Bert Caponé met in the garden. Bert was still in shock over his wife’s stabbing and Celeste’s arrest. Dr. Weeds (the true culprit, in case you missed episode 9) said that he had seen Celeste do it with his own eye. Bert was also disappointed that Cecil had done nothing to either stand up for himself or avenge the attack on his mother. Dr. Weeds promised Bert: “In 24 hours, if Cecil isn’t on our side or dead, I’ll make sure he’s dead.”

ShiShi anxiously tried to tell Cecil that she had nothing to do with Bitsy’s stabbing. Cecil assured her that he knew she was innocent, though his reassurance was undermined by the fact that he accidentally called her “Celeste.” A shaken ShiShi said she had enough identity problems already. She told him her real name and talked about her past, growing up in Brunswick. Cecil confessed that he loved the smell of Brunswick.

Bert visited Celeste in her cell and asked if she stabbed his wife. Celeste was hurt that Bert could even think of asking her that question. She assured him she couldn’t hurt a fly, and Bert replied “I know. That’s why I love you. I never said that to anyone before. Well, I told my son once, but he was asleep, so that doesn’t count.” Celeste asked Bert to take her cats to PetSmart and get their picture taken with the Easter Bunny.

Sandra Seaver tried to check into the hotel. Vladimir initially booked her as “Nanra Neamer,” but eventually straightened everything out. The phone rang, and Vladimir talked with a guy named Randy about booking his band.

ShiShi sang “Crazy” to Mad Dog in the lounge. They were both distraught over the recent developments and the hotel’s impending closing. Declaring himself a “pro-active drunk,” Mad Dog resolved to take action.

Tillie met Sandra at the ice machine in the hallway. After learning that Sandra was deaf, Tillie said that she’d been taking sign-language lessons on-line. However, since Sandra only understood the private sign-language she and Celeste worked out, they still couldn’t communicate. Tillie brought Sandra to her room and showed her the closed-captioning on the TV set. After all this, they finally got around to introducing themselves.

Vladimir strummed and tuned his guitar until a string broke.

Ebenezer was practicing his ghostly powers by floating around the hallway (albeit a very low-flying float). He ran into Cecil, and was surprised by Cecil’s new look. Then Ebenezer remembered that he had sworn vengeance on the entire Caponé family. He leapt upon Cecil and unleashed his undead fury, to no apparent effect. Cecil assured Ebenezer that he wasn’t like the rest of his family, and that Bert is their real enemy.

Vladimir continued practicing his guitar until Bert came in to complain about the noise. After they argued about the guitar, Bert admitted his conflicted feelings about Celeste. Vladimir showed Bert a paper he found…a note, supposedly from Celeste, filled with murderous, enraged ranting about Bitsy. Vladimir thought this “confession” could make a good song for Gulag.

After visiting a friend in prison, Dr. Weeds happened to pass Celeste’s cell. When she proclaimed her innocence, Weeds again claimed to have seen her stab Bitsy. Celeste raised the possibility of a look-alike, “’cause I sure don’t remember doing it!” Cecil arrived with a flower for Celeste. Celeste urged Dr. Weeds to tell Cecil about her look-alike theory, but instead, Weeds taunted Cecil by describing his mother’s stabbing in graphic detail. Enraged, Cecil pulled out his gun. Dr. Weeds took the barrel in his mouth.

Sandra Seaver came into the bar to order a Shirley Temple. Mad Dog mistook her for a “def” rapper and forced her to drink hard liquor to fit her “hardcore gangsta” image.

ShiShi was sitting in the garden, pondering the way things were and the way they might be. Dennis the vulture crowed to her, and ShiShi realized she could understand him. She had a tender conversation with Dennis (“Don’t you remember what it was to want to sing instead of caw?”), touching the vulture’s little heart. She asked Dennis for advice, and he crowed out a “downright diabolical” plan.

Bert ran into Cecil outside the prison. Cecil told his father that he had just splattered Dr. Weeds all over the walls because Weeds had stabbed Bitsy. Bert told Cecil about the note from Celeste, then backed up: “Wait a minute, you killed Dr. Weeds?” Cecil shrugged.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 7: Bert's the Boss

Episode 7: Bert’s the Boss

While Cecil was away, Bert Caponé was going over the hotel’s operations. Ebenezer came along, and Bert greeted him with a hearty “Who the fuck are you?” Ebenezer administered his traditional profanity-scolding slap. Bert administered his traditional severe beating.

Tillie and Mad Dog watched some of Tillie’s old movies. Mad Dog was concerned about how he stacked up to her former screen partners, especially those with shaved scrotums (scrota?).

Scarfing down Marshmallow Peeps and guzzling Sublime, ShiShi wandered out to the garden and met Dr. Weeds. Dr. Weeds questioned her about the after-effects of the drug he gave her back in Episode 1 (“Ever get dizzy since then? Ever hear voices?”). Dr. Weeds suggested they had a future together, then licked the Peep dust from her fingers.

Celeste asked Vladimir for some tips on cooking foreign food, particularly Italian. Noticing Celeste’s new perfume and barrettes, Vladimir realized she wanted to cook for her new boyfriend. Vladimir revealed that he’d always wanted to get closer to her himself. “Now you tell me!” Celeste replied, “Get in line!”

Mad Dog found the badly-beaten Ebenezer in the dumpster, and revived him with prunes.

Tillie decided to quit keeping kosher. She called Bert at the front desk and ordered a cheeseburger and milkshake. After Bert’s typically Bert-like response (“What am I, fuckin’ McDonalds?”), Tillie insisted that the “fresh” Caponé bring her food up himself. Bert admired her nerve.

Vladimir offered Bert some ideas for sprucing up the hotel (like changing the bedsheets regularly). Vladimir asked Bert for a raise. Bert agreed, if Vladimir would prove his loyalty by doing an unspecified “something” for him.

Mad Dog nursed Ebenezer back to health with yet more prunes.

Since Bert never brought her her cheeseburger, Tillie invited Celeste to come with her to Wendy’s.

Dr. Weeds brought ShiShi up to his room and confessed “When I’m around you, I don’t feel so evil.” ShiShi insisted that Weeds was only attracted to her stage persona, not the real Doris underneath. Dr. Weeds demonstrated his sincerity by showing her “something no woman’s seen in 3 years” (get your mind out of the gutter, he meant his right eye). He explained that he started wearing his eyepatch after his wife’s death, but now he’s ready to look at life with both eyes again.

Vladimir and Mad Dog were discussing the hotel’s bleak-looking future. They tossed around a few ideas for increasing revenue, including serving good liquor, charging admission for Man Night, and hiring DJ Romeo Cologne, or his cousin Romeo Cologne.

Ebenezer met Tillie in the hallway and complimented her on her radiant appearance. Tillie attributed her glow to having just gotten laid. (Ebenezer: “You went to Hawaii?”) Tillie offered to show the confused old man what she meant with a demonstration, and the two of them went up to the 13th floor.

Bert called ShiShi in to fire her. ShiShi protested that she never drew a salary, working only for tips and her room and board. Bert still insisted on firing her, but offered her one last chance if she could bring a tear to his eye at her next performance.

Tillie and Ebenezer had sex—a rewarding experience for the speedy Ebenezer, a disappointment for Tillie.

The Wendy’s biggie fries weren’t agreeing with Celeste, who sat on the front stoop groaning. Dr. Weeds came by, asked if she’d seen Ebenezer lately, and immediately regretted his choice of words. He then led Celeste to his room.

ShiShi consulted Mad Dog for advice on how to improve her act, keep her job, and save Man Night from being taken over by “rave monkeys.” Mad Dog’s primary suggestion: “More boobs!” He had other ideas, but before he shared them, he asked her for a favor in return: “Shave my balls!”

Dr. Weeds visited Ebenezer’s room. He removed Ebenezer’s glasses and questioned the perplexed, squinting old man about the shooting in Episode 5. Weeds put his arm around Ebenezer’s shoulder, took out his knife, and talked about Ebenezer’s “long, full life.” (Ebenezer: “I’ve led SEVERAL lives!”) Though he could not see Weeds’ weapon, Ebenezer was disturbed by the conversation and by Weeds’ touching him.

Ebenezer: “The way you’re caressing me…it reminds me of a woman.”
Weeds: “And just like a woman, I’m going to do THIS.”

And with that, Weeds stabbed Ebenezer.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 6: Smells Like Desperado

Episode 6: Smells Like Desperado

Celeste met Bert Caponé outside the hotel. They exchanged some pleasant chit-chat about “Power for Living” before Bert asked about his son Cecil, and how things were going at the hotel. When Bert learned that Cecil had refused to give a $20 raise to the blind woman, he was outraged. Bert started ranting about his son’s many failings, and Celeste pointed out that Cecil’s gay as well.

Alderman Snuff had Ebenezer under house arrest for shooting at him, Cecil, and Dr. Weeds (who was mysteriously absent) at the end of episode 5. Alderman asked some questions about the Caponés and Shaky’s mysterious “fishing trip,” but didn’t get much in the way of answers. (“Ebenezer sees all…Ebenezer knows all…Ebenezer FORGETS all!”) When Alderman ordered Ebenezer to come with him, Ebenezer hinted ominously about what might happen if he left the hotel.

Tillie gave Vladimir a clown nose and asked him to do his old Moscow Circus act. Much to Tillie’s horror, he did. Vlad confessed that he ran up a huge bill on the hotel’s account while he was surfing the net. He lamented about his demanding, unappreciated duties, then asked Tillie if she’d ever seen snuff videos of old men dying. Tillie offered to start Vladimir on a new career, using her connections in the porn industry. Vladimir, on the other hand, offered to get Tillie AWAY from her porn connections.

Mad Dog and Doris/ShiShi paid a visit to Cecil, whose face was completely bandaged since his shooting. Mad Dog suggested that Cecil see Vladimir, whom Mad Dog believed to be the Messenger of God ever since last episode’s “miracle of the coins.” Bert entered, and Cecil screamed.

Mad Dog and Tillie went out to a restaurant. Mad Dog suggested that Tillie meet the new Savior Vladimir.

Cecil and Bert had a heart-to-heart talk while standing out in the rain on the roof. Bert asked Cecil who had shot him, but Cecil couldn’t answer. Bert suggested that his wife’s plastic surgeon, Dr. Horowitz, might be able to fix Cecil’s face. Bert admitted his love for his son, while simultaneously lambasting him for his many failures. Bert finally confronted Cecil about his homosexuality. Bert remembered an old lady who might have “turned” Cecil gay—Tillie almost entered during this speech, but didn’t.

Alderman Snuff led Ebenezer to the doorway. They talked about several topics, primarily love.

In the lounge, Doris sang “Smells Like Teen Spirit” while Vladimir talked on the phone.

Cecil called Celeste to his office and questioned her about the shooting. She didn’t know anything about it, so he changed the subject to the raise she asked for a while back. Celeste told him not to worry about it, since his dad was helping her out. However, she did ask Cecil to order some more cleaning supplies. Cecil offered to hire more cleaning staff to give her a break. Celeste was visibly upset, so Cecil appeased her by giving her an empty basket and telling her it was the supplies she wanted. Bert entered, saw the trick Cecil was pulling, and furiously tore into his son. Cecil broke down crying.

Mad Dog knelt and prayed before Vladimir. Vladimir offered a Russian parable to explain that “the miracle of the coins” was just a magic trick from his circus act. A devastated Mad Dog cried out to God.

Doris closed out her act with another performance of “Desperado,” then sat down with Ebenezer and talked about love. Ebenezer was trying to find love for Alderman Snuff after their discussion on the subject. When Doris realized who Ebenezer was talking about, she told Eb how Alderman had led her on, used her for information, then dumped her. Ebenezer was shocked to learn that Alderman had wronged her so cruelly, and launched into a melodramatic vow of vengeance.

Cecil and Alderman met in the bar and commiserated over their respective failures—Cecil’s perpetually disappointing his father, and Alderman’s letting Ebenezer escape. Alderman showed Cecil “Old Muskie,” Ebenezer’s heirloom blunderbuss, and told Cecil that Ebenezer had been the shooter. Alderman offered to get Cecil into the witness protection program. Cecil’s response was to pick up Old Muskie and aim it at Alderman.

Bert and Celeste had dinner at a hot dog stand outside the hotel. They were getting along great, when Cecil dragged an unconscious or dead Alderman Snuff out as a present for his dad. Bert scolded Cecil for bringing their “dirty laundy” out in public, but praised him for finally proving himself a real Caponé. Celeste remained blissfully unaware of what was going on.

Mad Dog lamented and railed against God.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Season 3, Episode 5: Of Musk and Muskie

Episode 5: Of Musk and Muskie

Cecil and Ebenezer met for the first time since Cecil’s arrival at the hotel. Ebenezer complained about the unreliable delivery of his prunes, then told Cecil he lived on the 13th floor (amusing Cecil, who remained unconvinced of the floor’s existence). Cecil asked Ebenezer whether he had told anything to Alderman Snuff, but Ebenezer couldn’t recall, since both he and Alderman were hopped-up on pills at the time. The desperate Cecil threatened Ebenezer. In response, Ebenezer pulled out his old blunderbuss “Muskie.” They came to an agreement to keep each other’s secrets:

Ebenezer: “I won’t tell anyone you’re a sissypants, and you won’t tell anyone about the 13th floor.”

Doris (a.k.a. ShiShi) and Tillie were drinking in the lounge.

Doris: “It feels like I’ve been drinking for days—probably ’cause I’ve been drinking for days.”

Tillie chided Doris for overusing her new cologne (Vanilla Fields™ from Coty®), then offered her some advice about love, drawing on her many years’ experience as a washed-up porn star/widow 8 times over/philanthropist.

Celeste was cleaning in the garden when Dr. Weeds arrived. Dr. Weeds questioned her about her blindness, suggesting that he could use his laser to perform radial keratotomy on her. She explained that that wouldn’t help—the only problem with her eyes is that she doesn’t have any. After a long digression in which Celeste related the history of her adoptive family, Dr. Weeds returned to the subject of restoring her vision. If she would arrange a meeting between Cecil and Alderman Snuff, Weeds explained, he could give her the eyes of someone in the hotel “who won’t be using them anymore.”

In the bar, the new Cyber-Vladimir was explaining his electronic parts and connections (including the keyboard port in his rectum) to Mad Dog. Mad Dog indignantly condemned the internet as a “pipeline for porn,” but Vladimir demonstrated his power by hacking into the US Treasury and transferring cash directly into Mad Dog’s pockets.

Alderman Snuff confronted Cecil about the body in the meat locker, and told Cecil he was taking him in. Cecil not-too-subtly implied that if that happened, something bad, like an explosion, might happen to the car—but only the front part, not the back seat where Cecil would be sitting, of course. Since the threat of prison didn’t seem to intimidate Cecil, Alderman revealed that he had some compromising photos he could show to Cecil’s dad.

Alderman visited Tillie in her room to ask her some questions. She explained that she lived at the Gregorio because she’d been kicked out of every nursing home her kids put her in, “because I’m fucking crazy!” Alderman’s questions took on a distinctly sexual implication, but then Doris came in, and he dropped Tillie like a hot potato.

Vladimir began literally surfing the internet, but quickly disconnected after realizing that Mad Dog was right about it being nothing but porn.

Cecil was panicking in his office when Celeste came in to clean. After a little game of “follow the bell” and a brief discussion of his cologne (a mixture of CK One™ and Drakkar Noir™), Cecil told Celeste how worried he was. She asked if he was afraid people would find out he’s gay, but that wasn’t the problem—in fact, Cecil had never thought of that as being especially secret. He explained his real dilemma: He really wants to run the hotel as a legitimate business, but he knows that his father won’t let him go straight, and that Alderman will just keep pouring on the pressure. Suddenly realizing that Cecil has mob connections, Celeste ran out of the office as quickly as she could, blurting out “Gotta clean the rooms! Please don’t kill me!”

Mad Dog was polishing up the bar and inhaling the fumes from the spray cleaner. Ebenezer snuck up behind him, wielding Old Muskie, and demanded “all the hooch you’ve got and the special keys to Man Night!” However, since “all the hooch” consisted of a single bottle, and the only “key to Man Night” was just to be a man, it was a pretty lame robbery. Ebenezer laughed at his little prank.

Dr. Weeds waited in Cecil’s room, passing the time by trying to call “Blind Date.” When Cecil arrived, he offered Weeds a deal. If Weeds disposes of Alderman, Cecil will put up the funding for Dr. Weeds’ laser—all $200,000 of it.

Vladimir bid furiously for some unknown item on eBay, but didn’t get it.

Doris showed Alderman to her room. As they exchanged some tender sweet talk, Alderman steered the conversation to the stories and secrets she could tell. Doris realized what he was trying to do.

Doris: “You think you can stick your tongue down my throat and I’ll just tell you everything about everybody?…You’re right!”

Doris promised she’d tell him all the dark secrets of the hotel, “the pedophilia, the necrophilia, the herbophilia.” These topics were a bit of a turn-off for Alderman, but he kissed her anyway.

Ebenezer and Mad Dog were drinking and huffing away in the bar. After Mad Dog said that huffing fumes was his one great vice, Ebenezer pointed out another one:

Ebenezer: “I know that the owner of this hotel is a pansy, and you’re a pedophile!”
Mad Dog: “I never rode a bike in my life!”

A panicked Vladimir sought out Dr. Weeds to share some important news he found on the internet: “Cokie Roberts says the NEA won’t be funded!” Dr. Weeds was visibly upset.

Tillie and Celeste had some ice cream at Ben & Jerry’s. After Tillie asserted that Ben & Jerry are Jewish, Celeste agreed: “This tastes so good, they gotta be Jewish!” Tillie got upset (“Tell me, how does ‘Jewish’ taste?”), but Celeste explained she was just trying to go along with Tillie’s perpetual Jewish-pride observations. Celeste then led the other patrons in a toast to Judaism.

Dr. Weeds casually ambushed Alderman Snuff in the hallway. Alderman tried to persuade Weeds to join the side of the law—after all, he did show him to the body in the meat locker. However, Weeds told Alderman that that evidence would disappear unless Alderman met his price—a price the Caponés could meet. Cecil arrived and predicted “Someone’s about to die!” Alderman pulled out his gun and agreed. Dr. Weeds objected: “I’m the killer in this show!” But from the wings, Ebenezer took careful aim with Old Muskie…and fired. But who did he hit?

TO BE CONTINUED...

Season 3, Episode 4: Up to Snuff

Episode 4: Up to Snuff

The action began even before the introductions were finished, as Dr. Weeds was confronted by a detective investigating the mysterious disappearances at the hotel. But no sooner had the snoop started asking questions than Weeds silenced him—permanently.

Vladimir was installing the hotel’s new computer when Ebenezer stopped by the front desk. After Vladimir attempted to explain the wondrous device to the technologically-challenged old man, Ebenezer invited Vlad to the garden (as Dr. Weeds had requested last episode).

Ebenezer: “Have you ever been…to the GARDEN?”
Vladimir: “This is a metaphor, yes?”
Ebenezer: “I feel dirty for some reason now.”

Tillie and Mad Dog were in bed together, making passionate love. (Fortunately for the audience, the lights were down.) Afterwards, Mad Dog declared the depths of his passion, though he wondered whether it cast doubts on his manliness.

Celeste was cleaning up in the lobby when undercover FBI investigator Alderman Snuff entered. They summoned Vladimir to check Alderman in. As his cover, Alderman claimed to be a rubber-band salesman, but Vladimir saw through him—mainly because he signed the register “Det. Alderman Snuff.” (“Uh, that’s right, I work for the Det Rubber Band company.”) Vladimir knowingly nodded at Alderman, and they exchanged a few words in Russian. Vladimir inadvertently blurted out Alderman’s secret to Celeste.

Dr. Weeds paid a visit to Shi Shi’s room.

Dr. Weeds: “I brought you some flowers.”
Shi Shi: “But I thought you hated flowers.”
Dr. Weeds: “Well, they’ll die soon.”

Dr. Weeds revealed that he recently visited Shi Shi’s family in Brunswick, and got to know her father Trevor (a.k.a. Bubba) well. He made some veiled threats, and offered to provide protection for her family if she’ll do him a favor. He informed her that a “bad man” will be in the garden soon, and handed her a knife.

Ebenezer led Vladimir out to the garden (after some shenanigans with the hotel’s revolving door). Vladimir was profoundly moved and mellowed by the wonders of nature. He decided to take part in the gardening process by doing some digging and planting of his own. No sooner had he started digging than he made a grisly discovery—a severed arm, with a green thumb.

Alderman Snuff stopped by the bar. In response to Alderman’s request for “anything non-alcoholic,” Mad Dog served him up some Chivas Regal. 6 ½ hours later, the completely blotto Alderman started asking questions about the disappearance of the Birdman of Little Five Points. Mad Dog’s sinister, enigmatic reply: “There’s a lot of evil here.” Alderman fell off his stool.

Being in charge of the Hotel Gregorio while Cecil is away, Vladimir held a staff meeting, asking the hotel crew to brainstorm some ways to drum up business. Celeste volunteered to wear a G-shaped costume and be the hotel’s mascot. Vladimir asked if anyone could fold napkins into fun, decorative shapes (Celeste: “Is square fun?”). Shi Shi mentioned her upcoming benefit concert (to replace the Trans Am her cousin lost in the tornado), and Celeste cajoled her into singing “Windy.” Mad Dog was completely exasperated by the chaos and unmanliness of it all.

Still drunk, Alderman Snuff found his way to the 13th floor and met Ebenezer. Alderman explained his inebriation by showing Ebenezer his medication. Ebenezer poured the bottle out onto the table, and the two of them raced to gobble down all the pills. By this time, Alderman could no longer keep his cover story straight, claiming to be a veterinarian. (Ebenezer: “What war?”) Alderman soon abandoned the pretense and revealed he’s an FBI agent investigating the disappearance of the Birdman and the three guys from Man Night—all of whom were FBI operatives themselves. Ebenezer suggested that Alderman meet Dr. Weeds. At the mention of Weeds' name, Alderman immediately sobered up.

In the bar, Tillie was showing Celeste how to fold napkins. A quick study, Celeste soon produced a masterful “bird of paradise.” Tillie reminisced about her wild days with F. Scott Fitzgerald and her career in vintage porno loops. Celeste said that she’d never felt comfortable enough about her body to do anything like that, but Tillie reassured her that she’s a very attractive woman. Celeste revealed that she and a friend (who happens to be deaf) were auditioning for a local community theater production of “Our Town,” and she treated Tillie to a brief recitation.

Vladimir was digging up the garden, discovering more body parts. Dr. Weeds arrived. Vladimir explained his theory that the hotel must have been built on top of a cemetery:

Vladimir: “They moved the headstones, but they left the bodies!”
Dr. Weeds: “Yes, we all saw the movie.”

Dr. Weeds asked Vladimir how it felt to be in charge of the hotel at the staff meeting, then told him he could be in charge permanently. Vladimir wanted to be called “czar.”

In the lounge, Shi Shi began her benefit concert with an original composition of her own. Tillie and Celeste arrived and requested “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Shi Shi saw no way of getting out of singing it (even locking the doors so nobody else could get in), but luckily for her, the scene ended.

After the concert, Tillie remained in the lounge, still waiting for the song. Mad Dog worried that the FBI agent was there to investigate their illicit affair. Outside, some eager patrons pounded on the locked doors to get in for Man Night.

Ebenezer led Alderman Snuff into the garden (repeating the revolving-door antics on the way). There was no sign of the bodies, but Alderman asked Ebenezer about the Caponés (even though he never got the name right). Ebenezer remembered the hotel’s former manager Shaky, and his mysterious “fishing trip.” Mad Dog entered and asked Alderman what he was investigating. Mad Dog was relieved to learn it was just murder and not his affair with Tillie. Mad Dog accidentally spilled the beans about the Caponés’ mob ties, then launched into a lengthy, semi-coherent rant about the FBI and the War Powers Act.

Vladimir and Shi Shi tallied up the benefit’s receipts using the Gregorio’s new computer, concluding that the hotel was now “in the pink.” While counting, Vladimir began dismantling the computer. As he attached some wires to his head, he declared “Now I will have all the power I need…when I plug myself into internet.”

Alderman Snuff awoke in the garden, still puzzled by Mad Dog’s ravings. Dr. Weeds entered (avoiding the revolving door). Weeds and Alderman confronted each other, going from threatening to reminiscing to flirting. Alderman remembered Dr. Weeds’ late wife Bianca Weeds, horticulturist to the stars. (“How fitting that you would take up her name and her interests!”) Dr. Weeds led Alderman through a secret passage to room 43, the Caponés’ headquarters. Weeds attempted to lure Alderman into the meat locker, but Alderman insisted that Weeds go in first. Inside the meat locker, Weeds showed Alderman where the bodies (well, one body, anyway) were hidden.

Season 3, Episode 3: Man Night

Episode 3: Man Night

Cecil and Vladimir discussed the murder of the Birdman (and his birds, who were turned into a plate of hot wings). Then Vladimir revealed he'd raised $25,000 for the hotel last night.

Dr. Weeds paid a visit to Tillie. They had a heart-to-heart talk, and she got him to show his softer side. He confided his real name (Steven Croup) and how he got his facial scar (he fell off the teacup ride at DisneyWorld). He also revealed that he'd recently seen a woman who looked exactly like his late wife--teen singing sensation Christina Aguilera.

It was "Man Night" at the bar, with Mad Dog pouring out the drinks for Weeds, Ebenezer, Cecil, and three guys from the audience who just took it upon themselves to get up on the stage. ShiShi came out and started singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

Afterwards, ShiShi was talking to Celeste. Celeste told ShiShi how she and Vladimir tried selling themselves on the street last night, and how, even though she didn't get any offers on her body, the important thing was that she was willing to make that sacrifice.

Ebenezer was sitting in the lounge, waiting for Mad Dog to bring him his prunes. Dr. Weeds pulled up a chair and sat down with him. Weeds told Ebenezer that he was the one who grew the prunes, and that he can keep the prunes coming if Eb would do him a couple of favors. First, he wanted Ebenezer to bring Vladimir out to the garden. Second, he wanted Ebenezer to use his spiritual powers to summon up the spirit of his old friend Jun Denver (the Japanese John Denver impersonator). Ebenezer agreed, and was soon channeling a heavily-accented version of "Annie's Song."

After Dr. Weeds had left, ShiShi stopped by the lounge and chatted with Ebenezer about her performance and her problems. Ebenezer told her: "I don't understand you, missy...you're a lovely young woman, but you drink like a sailor, you curse like a sailor...you DRESS like a sailor once he's crossed the equator..."

Dr. Weeds called the three guys from Man Night back up on stage. He told them he could use some assistance in his laboratory...some young, strong bodies to help with his experiments. Then he slit their throats.

Season 3, Episode 2: Birds of a Feather

Episode 2: Birds of a Feather

Celeste tried to approach Cecil for a raise, but he told her the hotel was in the red, or was it the black? Anyway, whichever color was worse. (Of course, Celeste didn't know the difference.) Celeste offered to help raise money for the hotel by sewing sequins onto gloves and selling them.

ShiShi regained consciousness, and Dr. Weeds asked her to join him in his quest to destroy the sun. He explains that, since she brews homemade moonshine in her still, her knowledge of chemistry will come in handy.

Vladimir met a new guest who wanted to check in--Albert Ross, the Birdman of Little Five Points, a man with birds perched on his shoulders. The Birdman explained that he was raised by the birds as one of their own, and that now they walked with him wherever he goes.

Mad Dog offered some of his "sacramental wine" to Ebenezer. Mad Dog told Ebenezer all about his religious awakening. A long time ago, he was an actor, working in the chorus of an off-off-Broadway production of "La Cage Aux Folles." He changed his ways when he received a message from God, in the form of a severe beating from a Federal Express guy.

Cecil told Vladimir that the hotel needed to raise money fast. Vladimir remembered when he came to America, he had no money at all. Then, one day, he was standing on the street, and a man came up to him and asked if he wanted a good time. By the end of the night, Vlad had $25,000.

Ebenezer and the Birdman met up on the roof. The Birdman asked a little bit about Ebenezer, and we learned that the Weatherbottom family made a fortune in the copper business. The Birdman invited Ebenezer to join him in his plot to take over the hotel.

Vladimir was on the street, selling his body. Celeste came by hawking her "Sparkle Gloves." They talked about their respective ideas for raising money for the hotel, and when Celeste found out how much Vladimir was making, she changed her pitch to "Love for sale!"

The Birdman was alone with his birds in the penthouse suite when Dr. Weeds entered through a secret passage. Dr. Weeds informed the Birdman that his plans to take over the hotel would interfere with Weeds' own plans. Then Weeds pulled out a knife and stabbed the Birdman.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 1: Welcome to the Gregorio

SCANDAL! Season 3

Starring:

Chris Blair as Cecil Capone
Jed Broitman as Tillie Feinstein
Sean Daniels as Dr. Weeds
George Faughnan as Mad Dog Maddox
Z Gillispie as Bert Capone
Kendra Myers as ShiShi LaRue
Leslie Sharp as Celeste Stanford Fontaine
Matt Stanton as Vladimir Sonovavich
Lucky Yates as Ebenezer Weatherbottom

Episode 1: Welcome to the Gregorio

Hotel owner Bert Capone brought his son Cecil to the Gregorio Hotel and informed him he'd be taking over from the former manager "Shaky," who had "gone away" on a "fishing trip."

Cecil accidentally locked himself in the linen closet and was let out by Celeste, the maid. He was surprised to discover that she was blind, and asked how she could clean up the place if she couldn't see where it was dirty. However, she didn't reveal her secret.

Dr. Weeds, the hotel’s gardener, ran into lounge singer ShiShi LaRue and informed her of his plans to destroy the sun. He explained that his wife died after eating some bad weeds at the Olive Garden, and so he had sworn vengeance by wiping out the source of all weeds. ShiShi suggested that he try the fine line of Ortho products instead.

Bert Capone ran into his old friend Mad Dog Maddox, the bartender. Bert told Mad Dog that his son was taking over. Bert also asked Mad Dog about some rumors he'd heard about Cecil being gay. Mad Dog promised to keep an eye on Cecil.

Guest Tillie Feinstein was watching TV with the elderly Ebenezer Weatherbottom (the sole resident of the hotel’s 13th floor), who was amazed by the magical picture-box. Tillie tried to explain to Ebenezer that he was a ghost, and that the 13th floor didn't really exist, but he didn't believe her. She told Ebenezer that he reminded her of her 5th husband, Howard Hughes.

Vladimir Sonovavich, the hotel’s deskman/bellhop, told Celeste about his circus act back in Russia, and the time the dancing bear caught on fire.

Mad Dog and Cecil had a private meeting. They talked about Shaky's "fishing trip" and the need to keep Shaky's actual fate a secret—“Just like the secret we share between us,” Mad Dog said as he put an arm around Cecil's shoulder. Mad Dog then did his "Muffin Man" song-and-dance just like old times.

ShiShi met Dr. Weeds in the garden. ShiShi complimented him on the garden, and he explained that the secret was what he used for fertilizer. He offered ShiShi a drink, with a sinister offhand comment that she'd soon be feeling "very down-to-earth." ShiShi drank it and collapsed.

TO BE CONTINUED...