With the new season of SCANDAL! starting up this week, I just realized that I'd neglected to post the synopsis of last season's final episode. So, better late than never, here it is...
Episode 14: The Grand Finale
Having killed Babs Bunkler and eaten her heart, Sasha now declared herself the leader of the circus. Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions insisted that he was more qualified to run the circus. He demanded that they hold an election to decide who’s in charge. Sasha agreed, and stated that she would gets Stoolts to be her campaign manager. Robbie responded by hiring a campaign manager of his own…namely, Sasha.
Truck Tarkenton, having acquired Sasha’s acrobatic skills when she gave him her hair, was practicing his act. He realized that, though he had the talent, his pants were limiting his movement. The mime Michel Jacquessonne suggested that he take them off…so Truck did so.
Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm was testing his new whip when the CGI robot Viktoria Busliftor came in. After briefly discussing the election (in which Viktoria, not being human, had no vote), Viktoria informed Gunther that she’d had CGI ovaries implanted, but she needed a new programmer to make her a complete woman. Viktoria believed Gunther had the skills to help her.
Deb Henderson was practicing her Lamaze exercises, with Sealman Rushdie acting as her coach. Sealman mused about his own numerous children, whom he’d abandoned to pursue his career. Deb was amazed that a CGI robot could have children, and Sealman responded that there are many things people don’t understand about CGI robots. Sealman informed Deb that there was only one person capable of changing his programming…namely, Deb’s long-estranged mother Delta Burke.
Meeting with Sasha, Stoolts suggested a campaign slogan: “Vote for the Big Ol’ Lesbian.” When Sasha protested that she’s not gay, Stools dismissively replied that she appeals to that demographic. Continuing the theme, Stoolts performed a campaign jingle to the tune of “Closer to Fine.” Suddenly, he was interrupted by the arrival of Delta Burke. Sasha was amazed to see her idol.
SASHA: “I watched Designing Women all the time! That’s how I learned English!”
STOOLTS: “And that’s how I learned to masturbate!”
Truck Tarkenton came to Gunther’s tent for fashion advice to go with his new beautiful hair. As they talked, Gunther discovered a bomb hidden in his tiger’s cage. Truck casually admitted that he was planning to blow up the circus, rather than let it fall apart under either Sasha or Robbie’s control. Gunther realized that acquiring Sasha’s hair had driven Truck mad.
Meanwhile, Robbie was practicing his campaign speech:
ROBBIE: “I know you’re asking yourself, ‘Why would I elect somebody whose middle name is Bad Decisions?’ Well, haven’t you done that twice this millennium?”
His speech was interrupted when Delta Burke entered, declaring that she’d come to take her daughter away from this circus life. Robbie responded by flirtatiously sucking Delta’s fingers.
Deb Henderson and Michel Jacquesson were building a nursery, as Deb told him the story of her youth growing up as a bearded girl in Chatsworth. Michel attempted to help her emotional issues by re-enacting her life in mime. Deb then returned the favor by re-enacting Michel’s incredibly twisted childhood.
Sealman went to Stoolts for advice on what it means to be truly alive. Stoolts told Sealman to think of himself as a piece of fruit. Inspired, Sealman declared “I’m not a Kroger-on-Ponce fruit, I’m a Whole Foods fruit!”
Deb was finally reunited with her mother. Deb explained to Delta that she’d run away to spare Delta the shame of having a hairy daughter.
DELTA: “On a scale of 1 to 100, I hate facial hair on a woman at 99…but I love you 100.”
Delta confessed that she missed Deb so much, she’d given up her acting career to devote her time to figuring out a way to make CGI characters real, just so she could make a CGI duplicate of Deb.
Michel Jacquesson ran into Viktoria Busliftor. Viktoria confessed that she had been avoiding Michel because she was deeply in love with him, even before he joined the circus. In fact, she was the one responsible for all the hits on his website.
Wearing Sasha’s tights and tutu, Truck informed Viktoria that Sasha’s hair was taking over his personality…it had turned him sexy and evil. Viktoria sympathized, having gone through a sex-change himself. Truck clarified that he had not actually changed into a woman.
TRUCK: “I still got a wiener, dawg.”
VIKTORIA: “A dachsund?”
Gunther sought out Michel for help in foiling Truck’s bomb plot. Michel agreed, pulling out his mime wire-cutters.
Delta Burke completed her reprogramming on Sealman, informing him that he was now completely real…though he still would no longer fit in either the human or the sea lion world. She then broke into a song about her knowledge of aquatic mammals. Sealman urged her to reconcile with Deb for the sake of Deb’s child. Delta was shocked that anybody would have sex with Deb.
Robbie was practicing his latest stunt when he accidentally knocked over Truck’s bomb. Michel rushed in and realized he was too late; Robbie had set in motion an elaborate Rube Goldberg-like system that would start the detonation sequence. Robbie urged Michel to save himself, if it comes to that.
Deb rushed into Stoolts’ tent and warned him that a bomb was about to go off. Stoolts assumed this was a metaphor for Deb’s water breaking.
Delta Burke ran into Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm…which was awkward, as they’d had a fling several years back, before she met Gerald McRaney. Delta apologized for turning Gunther gay by breaking up with him. Once again, Gunther insisted that he’s not gay.
Sealman and Viktoria delivered their farewell performance in the center ring, while simultaneously discussing the election. Viktoria realized that, as CGI robots, they could hack into the Deibold system and use the election results to defuse the bomb. They urged the audience to cast their votes now, declaring “Any vote is a vote to defuse.”
Sasha ran into Deb, who was going into labor. As Sasha helped deliver the baby, Gunther rushed in and shouted “Don’t cut that cord! It’s connected to the bomb!”
Truck was in his lair, waiting for the bomb to go off, when Stoolts slowly rushed in to stop him. As Truck gloated that Stoolts would never stop him, Sasha brought in the one weapon that could defeat Truck…Truck’s trusty wrench. Stoolts took the wrench and threw it at Truck’s crotch. A chase ensued, leading to the center ring where everybody was trying to deal with both the bomb and the birth. Gunther dealt the finishing blow to Truck by pulling Sasha’s hair off of his head. As Deb was about to give birth, Robbie urged them to go ahead and cut the cord…we would then throw himself onto the bomb and absorb the blast with his body fat.
SEALMAN: “I don’t want to worry anybody, but is anyone concerned that we’re following a plan by a man named ‘Bad Decisions’?”
Sasha was moved by Robbie’s decision to sacrifice himself, and she declared that he truly was the leader of the circus. Robbie responded with a sarcastic “Well, thanks a lot!” Just then, Deb gave birth and Delta Burke cut the cord. The bomb went off, but Robbie’s body shielded everybody from the blast. The survivors celebrated the new life that had been brought into the world…and with it, a new beginning to the circus.
THE END
Showing posts with label gunther. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gunther. Show all posts
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Season 14, Episode 12: Everybody Dies
Episode 12: Everybody Dies
Reggie Bunkler’s wife, Babs Bunkler, came into Reggie’s office…where Reggie’s dead body had been lying ever since Sasha killed him two episodes ago. Babs reflected on their life together, and how Reggie had spent all her money on this circus to fulfill his family’s dreams. Now, she was going to live HER dream by selling the circus and turning it into expensive lofts.
Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm and Viktoria Busliftor were relaxing in the spa and contemplating the future of the circus. Viktoria proposed that they could break off from the Bunkler Brothers and form their own circus, if they could get Sasha to join them as their star. Viktoria worried that Gunther could never tame Sasha’s ego, but Gunther replied “It’s the challenge that makes it so challenging.”
Truck Tarkenton and Sasha were shopping for flowers for Reggie’s funeral, as Sasha reflected on the feeling of power it gave her to take Reggie’s life. Truck led her into Reggie’s office so she could make her peace with him. (“Don’t do anything weird…but if you do, there’s a webcam right there.”) Left alone with Reggie’s body, she confessed her attraction to him.
Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions and Sealman Rushdie were planning a tribute act for Reggie—Robbie would jump his bike over Reggie’s flaming body as he’s being cremated. Robbie reflected on how he’d never liked Reggie, but his death put those feelings in perspective. He then contemplated the finality of death, saying how ridiculous it would be if Reggie suddenly came back to life. Sealman said that if that happened, he would kill Reggie all over again.
Michel Jacquesonne was showing Babs around the circus and telling her how much he missed Reggie. (“That man treated me like an employee. My own parents didn’t treat me like an employee.”) Babs asked him exactly what happened to Reggie. After going on and on about his own problems, Michel finally told her that Sasha had twisted Reggie’s neck until it clicked.
Viktoria invited Sasha to join their new circus, but Sasha didn’t see any difference between working at either circus. Viktoria then said that she didn’t really have much of a choice…they’d already taken most of the Bunkler Brothers’ equipment, so there wouldn’t be a circus left to go on anyway. Sasha warned Viktoria that she had killed before and would kill again. Viktoria offered to let her kill Gunther if she’d join their circus.
Truck was driving Deb to the doctor to check on her baby. He suggested that they could prove whether the baby was his or Stoolts’ by seeing whether it had stools for feet. As Deb pointed out that stool-feet weren’t a hereditary trait, Truck proposed that they could check for themselves by cutting her open. Deb suggested an ultrasound instead, but Truck didn’t believe in them. (“That’s CGI, it’s not real.”) Stopping the truck in the woods, Truck led Deb to a cabin to reveal…the REAL Reggie Bunkler’s body! When Deb asked about the body in the office, Truck explained that the other body was CGI. She suggested that they could use the fake body for a ventriloquist act. Pleased by the idea, Truck told her he’d put off cutting her open until they saw how the new act goes over. Deb pleaded with him not to cut her open at all, and they came to an agreement: She promised not to let Stoolts near the baby, and Truck promised not to slice her open.
Robbie, Sealman, and Gunther dragged the fake Reggie’s body out of the office to practice Robbie’s jump. As they did so, Robbie pulled down Reggie’s pants to make him more aerodynamic for the stunt.
GUNTHER: “Everybody says I’m gay, and I’d like to point out that you two are the ones undressing a dead man.”
Babs went out to the cabin to visit her husband’s real body. She gloated that she’d substituted the CGI robot a long time ago, and nobody had noticed the difference. Everything was going according to her plan. Just then, Gunther and Viktoria came through the woods, scouting for locations for their new circus. As Babs hid, Gunther and Viktoria discovered Reggie’s body, and were thoroughly confused.
Back at the circus, Deb was practicing her ventriloquist act with the CGI-robot Reggie’s body. Much to her surprise, the “dummy” began speaking on its own: “My wife is trying to destroy the circus! I’m in the woods!”
Sealman and Michel were planning their act, as Michel ranted about how he was molested by clowns his entire life. Sealman protested that his life had been saved by clowns…an elite band of military clowns who had rescued him from Japanese fishermen. Sealman urged Michel to find it in his heart to mime forgiveness, but after Michel went into sickening detail about what had been done to him, Sealman agreed that he should mime revenge instead.
Sasha came into Reggie’s office to visit his body, when Babs entered and revealed that it wasn’t the real Reggie. Babs demonstrated by running a program to make the CGI-robot move its arms and pat its head. Babs and Sasha then revealed the reason for their rivalry: They’re sisters. All their life, Sasha had been the talented one, while Babs was only good at giving blowjobs…so Babs had gotten rid of her sister by sending her to Bolivia, where Sasha was raised by acrobats. But fate had drawn them together once again, as Sasha had come to America and joined the Bunkler Brothers Circus, not knowing its connection to her long-lost sister. After explaining their backstory, Babs began strangling Sasha with a scarf (knocking off Sasha’s wig in the process).
Truck and Robbie were watching porn on the internet when they stumbled across some of the circus’ security-camera footage. Playing the video, they saw Sealman performing for Reggie to distract him, as Viktoria (while she was still “Viktor”) snuck up from behind and snapped Reggie’s neck. Checking the date on the footage, they realized that the real Reggie had been dead for months, and they’d been working with a robot all along. They suspected that Michael Bay was somehow responsible.
The dewigged Sasha managed to crawl to Deb’s trailer, where she explained her family history to Deb. She revealed that Babs had gone mad with jealousy after discovering that Sasha was part of the circus that Babs had married into. Deb agreed to help Sasha get her revenge.
Searching for clues in the woods, Gunther came across the murdered bodies of the real Sealman and Viktor, along with Sasha’s wig. Gunther wondered what kind of power it would take to kill someone as strong as Viktor, but despite the danger, he swore to find out who was responsible.
In her office, Babs Bunkler had gathered her CGI-robot minions: Reggie, Viktoria, and Sealman. She sent Reggie to fire all the performers. She then instructed Viktoria to remember the love she had for Sasha (back when Viktoria was still Viktor), and to turn that love to hate. After a moment of robotic confusion (“How do I remember love when I am ones and zeros?”), Viktoria went to to kill Sasha. Left alone with Sealman, Babs began flirting with the CGI-robot talking sea lion. (“I love it when you say big words.”)
TO BE CONTINUED…
Reggie Bunkler’s wife, Babs Bunkler, came into Reggie’s office…where Reggie’s dead body had been lying ever since Sasha killed him two episodes ago. Babs reflected on their life together, and how Reggie had spent all her money on this circus to fulfill his family’s dreams. Now, she was going to live HER dream by selling the circus and turning it into expensive lofts.
Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm and Viktoria Busliftor were relaxing in the spa and contemplating the future of the circus. Viktoria proposed that they could break off from the Bunkler Brothers and form their own circus, if they could get Sasha to join them as their star. Viktoria worried that Gunther could never tame Sasha’s ego, but Gunther replied “It’s the challenge that makes it so challenging.”
Truck Tarkenton and Sasha were shopping for flowers for Reggie’s funeral, as Sasha reflected on the feeling of power it gave her to take Reggie’s life. Truck led her into Reggie’s office so she could make her peace with him. (“Don’t do anything weird…but if you do, there’s a webcam right there.”) Left alone with Reggie’s body, she confessed her attraction to him.
Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions and Sealman Rushdie were planning a tribute act for Reggie—Robbie would jump his bike over Reggie’s flaming body as he’s being cremated. Robbie reflected on how he’d never liked Reggie, but his death put those feelings in perspective. He then contemplated the finality of death, saying how ridiculous it would be if Reggie suddenly came back to life. Sealman said that if that happened, he would kill Reggie all over again.
Michel Jacquesonne was showing Babs around the circus and telling her how much he missed Reggie. (“That man treated me like an employee. My own parents didn’t treat me like an employee.”) Babs asked him exactly what happened to Reggie. After going on and on about his own problems, Michel finally told her that Sasha had twisted Reggie’s neck until it clicked.
Viktoria invited Sasha to join their new circus, but Sasha didn’t see any difference between working at either circus. Viktoria then said that she didn’t really have much of a choice…they’d already taken most of the Bunkler Brothers’ equipment, so there wouldn’t be a circus left to go on anyway. Sasha warned Viktoria that she had killed before and would kill again. Viktoria offered to let her kill Gunther if she’d join their circus.
Truck was driving Deb to the doctor to check on her baby. He suggested that they could prove whether the baby was his or Stoolts’ by seeing whether it had stools for feet. As Deb pointed out that stool-feet weren’t a hereditary trait, Truck proposed that they could check for themselves by cutting her open. Deb suggested an ultrasound instead, but Truck didn’t believe in them. (“That’s CGI, it’s not real.”) Stopping the truck in the woods, Truck led Deb to a cabin to reveal…the REAL Reggie Bunkler’s body! When Deb asked about the body in the office, Truck explained that the other body was CGI. She suggested that they could use the fake body for a ventriloquist act. Pleased by the idea, Truck told her he’d put off cutting her open until they saw how the new act goes over. Deb pleaded with him not to cut her open at all, and they came to an agreement: She promised not to let Stoolts near the baby, and Truck promised not to slice her open.
Robbie, Sealman, and Gunther dragged the fake Reggie’s body out of the office to practice Robbie’s jump. As they did so, Robbie pulled down Reggie’s pants to make him more aerodynamic for the stunt.
GUNTHER: “Everybody says I’m gay, and I’d like to point out that you two are the ones undressing a dead man.”
Babs went out to the cabin to visit her husband’s real body. She gloated that she’d substituted the CGI robot a long time ago, and nobody had noticed the difference. Everything was going according to her plan. Just then, Gunther and Viktoria came through the woods, scouting for locations for their new circus. As Babs hid, Gunther and Viktoria discovered Reggie’s body, and were thoroughly confused.
Back at the circus, Deb was practicing her ventriloquist act with the CGI-robot Reggie’s body. Much to her surprise, the “dummy” began speaking on its own: “My wife is trying to destroy the circus! I’m in the woods!”
Sealman and Michel were planning their act, as Michel ranted about how he was molested by clowns his entire life. Sealman protested that his life had been saved by clowns…an elite band of military clowns who had rescued him from Japanese fishermen. Sealman urged Michel to find it in his heart to mime forgiveness, but after Michel went into sickening detail about what had been done to him, Sealman agreed that he should mime revenge instead.
Sasha came into Reggie’s office to visit his body, when Babs entered and revealed that it wasn’t the real Reggie. Babs demonstrated by running a program to make the CGI-robot move its arms and pat its head. Babs and Sasha then revealed the reason for their rivalry: They’re sisters. All their life, Sasha had been the talented one, while Babs was only good at giving blowjobs…so Babs had gotten rid of her sister by sending her to Bolivia, where Sasha was raised by acrobats. But fate had drawn them together once again, as Sasha had come to America and joined the Bunkler Brothers Circus, not knowing its connection to her long-lost sister. After explaining their backstory, Babs began strangling Sasha with a scarf (knocking off Sasha’s wig in the process).
Truck and Robbie were watching porn on the internet when they stumbled across some of the circus’ security-camera footage. Playing the video, they saw Sealman performing for Reggie to distract him, as Viktoria (while she was still “Viktor”) snuck up from behind and snapped Reggie’s neck. Checking the date on the footage, they realized that the real Reggie had been dead for months, and they’d been working with a robot all along. They suspected that Michael Bay was somehow responsible.
The dewigged Sasha managed to crawl to Deb’s trailer, where she explained her family history to Deb. She revealed that Babs had gone mad with jealousy after discovering that Sasha was part of the circus that Babs had married into. Deb agreed to help Sasha get her revenge.
Searching for clues in the woods, Gunther came across the murdered bodies of the real Sealman and Viktor, along with Sasha’s wig. Gunther wondered what kind of power it would take to kill someone as strong as Viktor, but despite the danger, he swore to find out who was responsible.
In her office, Babs Bunkler had gathered her CGI-robot minions: Reggie, Viktoria, and Sealman. She sent Reggie to fire all the performers. She then instructed Viktoria to remember the love she had for Sasha (back when Viktoria was still Viktor), and to turn that love to hate. After a moment of robotic confusion (“How do I remember love when I am ones and zeros?”), Viktoria went to to kill Sasha. Left alone with Sealman, Babs began flirting with the CGI-robot talking sea lion. (“I love it when you say big words.”)
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Season 14, Episode 10: You Blight Up My Life
Episode 10: You Blight Up My Life
Reggie Bunkler was sitting in his office when a new act came knocking on his door…the French-Canadian mime artist Michel Jacquesonne. Reggie warned him that the circus’ budget was too tight to pay him much, but Michel replied that he worked not for money, but for the love of mime. Of course, that wouldn’t stop him from taking whatever money he could get…
Sealman Rushdie and Viktoria Busliftor were changing the baby-thing, which called Viktoria “Mama.” Viktoria marveled at how quickly it was maturing.
Bearded lady Deb Henderson, worried about the July 4th fireworks show and its effects on her unborn child, consulted Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm as the circus’ resident expert on danger. Gunther assured her that there was nothing to worry about, because babies love loud noises. Feeling the baby kick, Gunther declared “He’s like a little Pele…or some more relevant soccer player.” Deb then revealed that Stoolts had seen her kissing Truck, and she was afraid Stoolts might do something drastic. Gunther advised her to face her fears for the sake of her baby. Finally remembering a more contemporary reference, Gunther encouraged the baby to “Bend it like Beckham.”
Far away, on top of the dump on Moreland Avenue, Sasha was looking over the city and contemplating her decision to leave the circus. Knowing no other trade but acrobatics, she had been reduced to contorting her body in the street for 50 cents a pop.
In his fireworks lab, Stoolts was plotting his revenge. He’d acquired a sample of American Red Elm Blight, which he would spray on everybody else. He gloated that the blight, while fatal to trees, would have a different effect on humans: when combined with fireworks, it would drive everyone insane. (“Now THAT’S an evil plan!”)
Reggie found Viktoria cradling the parasite-baby. Reggie warned that the baby was the result of the curse Viktoria’s mother had placed on Reggie, but Viktoria countered that babies shouldn’t be blamed for where they came from. The baby began revealing Reggie’s deepest secrets, and Reggie threatened to drown it in the bathtub. The baby sinisterly replied “Let him try.” Changing the subject to lighten the mood, Viktoria remarked how much she was looking forward to the fireworks display. (“There’s nothing more American than explosions.”) Reggie told Viktoria that they’d arranged the perfect soundtrack to accompany the fireworks—The Spin Doctors.
Deb informed Sealman that she was pregnant, and asked him to be her midwife. Sealman felt her belly and declared that the baby was going to be a little Vitas Gerulitas, or some other outdated tennis player. Then he broke into a song about the wonders and joys of childbirth.
As Sasha gazed at the circus from her vantage point on the dump, Gunther came climbing through the garbage to join her. He wanted to watch the fireworks with her, and to prove once and for all that he’s not gay. Sasha replied that she knew from their lovemaking that he wasn’t gay…although she suspected his penis might be.
Michel Jacquesonne was performing his mime act in the center ring, narrating his actions aloud for the audience. Stoolts came in, and the age-old rivalry between clowns and mimes reared its ugly head. Stoolts squirted Michel with his blight-spray, then continued threatening him. In response, Michel created an imaginary wall between himself and Stoolts.
Reggie took the baby-thing to the elephant-wash station in an attempt to destroy it. He asked the baby what it wanted, and the baby revealed that it planned to take over the circus. The Bunkler Brothers Family Circus would soon be the Baby Brothers Family Circus, as soon as Deb’s baby arrived. The baby revealed that he, not Stoolts, had impregnated Deb…he had climbed up Stoolts’ pants leg and gotten in between them. (“So, technically, it’ll be my son, but ‘Baby Brothers’ sounds better.”) Horrified, Reggie carried the baby into his office and stuffed it in the Swear Jar.
Stoolts found Viktoria looking through a Viewmaster, entranced by the pictures of the Florida mermaids. Viktoria remarked that she had noticed Stoolts squirting people with his spray-bottle. Thinking the clown was simply spraying water as a playful way to cool people off, Viktoria asked to be sprayed. Since Viktoria was one of the few people who had always been nice to Stoolts, Stoolts refused to spray her with the blight. Viktoria then grabbed the bottle and squirted herself.
Sasha and Gunther were celebrating their happiness in the dump when Stoolts came by. He told them about the American Red Elm Blight and what it did to trees, but before he could continue as to its effects on humans, Sasha and Gunther began crying over the dead trees and orphaned saplings. Confused, Stoolts started to explain that he’d had an epiphany. Sasha asked if this was going to turn into another of his long-winded Cosby Show stories.
Sealman was swimming in his tank when Stoolts came by. Complimenting him on his fitness, Stoolts compared him to Jack LaLanne and other out-of-date exercise gurus. Then he sprayed Sealman with the blight.
Returning to the circus, Sasha came to Reggie’s office. Feeling confident that the circus had suffered in her absence, she demanded a raise. Fed up with her diva attitude, Reggie finally told her off. In a fit of rage, she threw Reggie’s bottle of Tums across the room. A vicious battle ensued, with Sasha wrecking the office. (In the process, she knocked the Swear Jar off the desk, and the evil baby took the opportunity to escape.) After smashing Reggie across the back with a chair, Sasha went to Stoolts and told him that he’d turned her into a superhuman killing machine with his blight-spray. She demanded that he spray her with an antidote.
Returning from the dump, Gunther ran into Viktoria. The lingering smell of dirty diapers reminded Viktoria that she had misplaced the baby-thing. Gunther realized that they were all in grave danger.
Michel, Sealman, Gunther, and Viktoria gathered outside Reggie’s office to watch the fireworks. Seeing Reggie lying on the ground, Viktoria remarked “I hear with a spine injury, you should move them immediately.” As they did so, Sasha, Deb, and Stoolts arrived. Stoolts confessed to Deb that he’d done something terrible and now felt deep remorse. Meanwhile, Reggie warned everybody else that the baby-thing had impregnated not only Deb, but Sasha as well. Just then, the sound of the Spin Doctors filled the air, and the fireworks began. The pyrotechnics combined with Stoolts’ spray, and everybody began behaving in more-than-usually bizarre ways. Gunther, the only one who had not been sprayed, attempted to reason with Stoolts by discussing the Cosby Show and asking “What would Rudy do?” Moved by Gunther’s plea, Stoolts urged everybody to snap out of it, helping them to shake off the effects by complimenting each of them and boosting their self-confidence. Deb congratulated Stoolts for saving the day, although Sasha pointed out that he had started the trouble in the first place.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Reggie Bunkler was sitting in his office when a new act came knocking on his door…the French-Canadian mime artist Michel Jacquesonne. Reggie warned him that the circus’ budget was too tight to pay him much, but Michel replied that he worked not for money, but for the love of mime. Of course, that wouldn’t stop him from taking whatever money he could get…
Sealman Rushdie and Viktoria Busliftor were changing the baby-thing, which called Viktoria “Mama.” Viktoria marveled at how quickly it was maturing.
Bearded lady Deb Henderson, worried about the July 4th fireworks show and its effects on her unborn child, consulted Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm as the circus’ resident expert on danger. Gunther assured her that there was nothing to worry about, because babies love loud noises. Feeling the baby kick, Gunther declared “He’s like a little Pele…or some more relevant soccer player.” Deb then revealed that Stoolts had seen her kissing Truck, and she was afraid Stoolts might do something drastic. Gunther advised her to face her fears for the sake of her baby. Finally remembering a more contemporary reference, Gunther encouraged the baby to “Bend it like Beckham.”
Far away, on top of the dump on Moreland Avenue, Sasha was looking over the city and contemplating her decision to leave the circus. Knowing no other trade but acrobatics, she had been reduced to contorting her body in the street for 50 cents a pop.
In his fireworks lab, Stoolts was plotting his revenge. He’d acquired a sample of American Red Elm Blight, which he would spray on everybody else. He gloated that the blight, while fatal to trees, would have a different effect on humans: when combined with fireworks, it would drive everyone insane. (“Now THAT’S an evil plan!”)
Reggie found Viktoria cradling the parasite-baby. Reggie warned that the baby was the result of the curse Viktoria’s mother had placed on Reggie, but Viktoria countered that babies shouldn’t be blamed for where they came from. The baby began revealing Reggie’s deepest secrets, and Reggie threatened to drown it in the bathtub. The baby sinisterly replied “Let him try.” Changing the subject to lighten the mood, Viktoria remarked how much she was looking forward to the fireworks display. (“There’s nothing more American than explosions.”) Reggie told Viktoria that they’d arranged the perfect soundtrack to accompany the fireworks—The Spin Doctors.
Deb informed Sealman that she was pregnant, and asked him to be her midwife. Sealman felt her belly and declared that the baby was going to be a little Vitas Gerulitas, or some other outdated tennis player. Then he broke into a song about the wonders and joys of childbirth.
As Sasha gazed at the circus from her vantage point on the dump, Gunther came climbing through the garbage to join her. He wanted to watch the fireworks with her, and to prove once and for all that he’s not gay. Sasha replied that she knew from their lovemaking that he wasn’t gay…although she suspected his penis might be.
Michel Jacquesonne was performing his mime act in the center ring, narrating his actions aloud for the audience. Stoolts came in, and the age-old rivalry between clowns and mimes reared its ugly head. Stoolts squirted Michel with his blight-spray, then continued threatening him. In response, Michel created an imaginary wall between himself and Stoolts.
Reggie took the baby-thing to the elephant-wash station in an attempt to destroy it. He asked the baby what it wanted, and the baby revealed that it planned to take over the circus. The Bunkler Brothers Family Circus would soon be the Baby Brothers Family Circus, as soon as Deb’s baby arrived. The baby revealed that he, not Stoolts, had impregnated Deb…he had climbed up Stoolts’ pants leg and gotten in between them. (“So, technically, it’ll be my son, but ‘Baby Brothers’ sounds better.”) Horrified, Reggie carried the baby into his office and stuffed it in the Swear Jar.
Stoolts found Viktoria looking through a Viewmaster, entranced by the pictures of the Florida mermaids. Viktoria remarked that she had noticed Stoolts squirting people with his spray-bottle. Thinking the clown was simply spraying water as a playful way to cool people off, Viktoria asked to be sprayed. Since Viktoria was one of the few people who had always been nice to Stoolts, Stoolts refused to spray her with the blight. Viktoria then grabbed the bottle and squirted herself.
Sasha and Gunther were celebrating their happiness in the dump when Stoolts came by. He told them about the American Red Elm Blight and what it did to trees, but before he could continue as to its effects on humans, Sasha and Gunther began crying over the dead trees and orphaned saplings. Confused, Stoolts started to explain that he’d had an epiphany. Sasha asked if this was going to turn into another of his long-winded Cosby Show stories.
Sealman was swimming in his tank when Stoolts came by. Complimenting him on his fitness, Stoolts compared him to Jack LaLanne and other out-of-date exercise gurus. Then he sprayed Sealman with the blight.
Returning to the circus, Sasha came to Reggie’s office. Feeling confident that the circus had suffered in her absence, she demanded a raise. Fed up with her diva attitude, Reggie finally told her off. In a fit of rage, she threw Reggie’s bottle of Tums across the room. A vicious battle ensued, with Sasha wrecking the office. (In the process, she knocked the Swear Jar off the desk, and the evil baby took the opportunity to escape.) After smashing Reggie across the back with a chair, Sasha went to Stoolts and told him that he’d turned her into a superhuman killing machine with his blight-spray. She demanded that he spray her with an antidote.
Returning from the dump, Gunther ran into Viktoria. The lingering smell of dirty diapers reminded Viktoria that she had misplaced the baby-thing. Gunther realized that they were all in grave danger.
Michel, Sealman, Gunther, and Viktoria gathered outside Reggie’s office to watch the fireworks. Seeing Reggie lying on the ground, Viktoria remarked “I hear with a spine injury, you should move them immediately.” As they did so, Sasha, Deb, and Stoolts arrived. Stoolts confessed to Deb that he’d done something terrible and now felt deep remorse. Meanwhile, Reggie warned everybody else that the baby-thing had impregnated not only Deb, but Sasha as well. Just then, the sound of the Spin Doctors filled the air, and the fireworks began. The pyrotechnics combined with Stoolts’ spray, and everybody began behaving in more-than-usually bizarre ways. Gunther, the only one who had not been sprayed, attempted to reason with Stoolts by discussing the Cosby Show and asking “What would Rudy do?” Moved by Gunther’s plea, Stoolts urged everybody to snap out of it, helping them to shake off the effects by complimenting each of them and boosting their self-confidence. Deb congratulated Stoolts for saving the day, although Sasha pointed out that he had started the trouble in the first place.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Season 14, Episode 9: Three-Alarm Three-Ring
Episode 9: Three-Alarm Three-Ring
Stoolts had accidentally set fire to the circus by rubbing his wooden stool-legs together during a passionate encounter with bearded lady Deb Henderson. Circus owner Reggie Bunkler rushed into his office, where he found roadie Truck Tarkenton putting out the flames by beating them with his wrench. Truck declared that he would save the circus, but first he wanted to be repaid for having detached the symbiotic baby-thing from Reggie’s body.
Meanwhile, Sealman Rushdie was trying to herd all the circus’ animals to safety, as Sasha cried that she couldn’t leave—if the circus was destroyed, she’d have nothing else to live for. Sealman told her to snap out if it, then told her about the time he survived the Great Antarctic Fire of ’06.
While putting some mementos in a fireproof safe, Gunther and Viktoria discussed their relationship. Viktoria worried that, despite her vow not to fall in love her first time, she may be becoming too attached to Gunther. Gunther confessed that it had been his first time as well—he’d never had sex before, because every woman assumed he was gay. Gunther looked deeply into Viktoria’s eyes and saw her experience and wisdom.
Panicked, Deb climbed to the top of the Big Top and screamed for an incredibly long time. Stoolts rushed (as much as he can “rush”) to her rescue. As he approached, Deb informed him that she was already pregnant from their encounter. (“It happens really fast in my family.”) Thrilled by the news, Stoolts was infused with the strength of ten men and easily saved Deb.
Reggie and Sealman addressed the audience, assuring them that everything was under control while also getting them to sign releases. They decided to make the evacuation part of the show by shooting all the audience members out of a cannon.
Sasha told Gunther that the danger of imminent death had made her realize how much Gunther meant to her. Gunther regretfully informed her that he had found somebody else. Breaking down, Sasha told him to leave her to die. Gunther declared that he wouldn’t let her die—he would teach her to jump through fire, just as he trained his tigers.
Deb rushed to her trailer to salvage her beard-brush, only to find Viktoria snooping through her things. Viktoria explained that, since becoming a woman, he’d developed an uncontrollable curiosity. Reading Deb’s diary, Viktoria had learned about her incredible fertility and her family’s history of giving children up for adoption.
Stoolts was heroically holding up the ceiling as the patrons escaped. Seeing the fire rising up Stoolts’ body, Truck “rescued” him by beating out the flames with his wrench.
While training Sasha to jump through the flames, Gunther admitted that his feelings for Viktoria had only been a temporary infatuation. Gunther explained his love for Sasha through a zombie metaphor, and Sasha agreed that they should let their passion rise from the grave.
Reggie was searching through the inferno for the baby-creature. Sealman suggested that it would be best to let the monstrous thing die, even though that goes against Sealman’s Catholic upbringing. Shocked, Reggie informed him that this was a Protestant circus. As they debated religion, the baby-thing emerged from the flames and leaped upon Reggie. Sealman pried the baby off of Reggie and declared “Goodnight Moon” in a vaguely disturbing manner.
Gunther and Sasha were in the throes of sex when they realized that Viktoria was listening from outside. Sasha feared that Viktoria would kill them both in a jealous rage, but Viktoria assured her that there was nothing to worry about…her encounter with Gunther meant as little to her as it had to him.
Stoolts asked Sealman for some salve to treat his burns. Sealman informed him that it would cost extra, now that Sealman has an evil baby to support. Stoolts attempted to bond with Sealman over fatherhood, but his efforts were blocked when Sealman started wondering what the big deal is about being a father.
Deb was sifting through the smoldering wreckage when Truck came to confront her about her pregnancy. He expressed concern for her safety, worrying that Stoolts might harm her or the baby—thus planting the seeds of doubt and making an opening for himself.
Viktoria was crying to herself when Reggie walked by. Having only known her as “Viktor” before, Reggie was stunned and disturbed by Viktoria’s new persona. Still, he reluctantly consoled her. Viktoria confessed that, despite her reassurance to Gunther that it meant nothing, she really HAD fallen in love with him. Reggie warned her that workplace romances never turn out well.
Fearing that Viktoria might kill her, Sasha went to Sealman for help. Sealman simply said that she had to deal with the consequences of her love for Gunther, telling her “You can’t harvest a field and not expect corn to grow.” Then he broke into an agricultural-based song about love and its results, including pregnancy.
As Reggie continued to console Viktoria, Gunther entered and declared his love for Sasha. He announced that he would rather quit the circus than give up Sasha, and Reggie was all too glad to accept his resignation. Just then, Sasha arrived and announced that she was quitting too…and that she’s pregnant. Stunned, Gunther informed Sasha that he had made sure long ago that he could never have children.
Stoolts walked in just as Truck kissed Deb.
Explaining that she had to get away and get her thoughts together, Sasha said goodbye to Gunther. Setting out on the road, she had brief flashbacks to her fondest memories of each of her circus friends.
Stung by Deb’s apparent betrayal, Stoolts contemplated drastic action. He pulled off his red nose and prepared to toss it in the air, declaring “Heads, everybody lives…tails, they die.” With that, he flipped his nose.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Stoolts had accidentally set fire to the circus by rubbing his wooden stool-legs together during a passionate encounter with bearded lady Deb Henderson. Circus owner Reggie Bunkler rushed into his office, where he found roadie Truck Tarkenton putting out the flames by beating them with his wrench. Truck declared that he would save the circus, but first he wanted to be repaid for having detached the symbiotic baby-thing from Reggie’s body.
Meanwhile, Sealman Rushdie was trying to herd all the circus’ animals to safety, as Sasha cried that she couldn’t leave—if the circus was destroyed, she’d have nothing else to live for. Sealman told her to snap out if it, then told her about the time he survived the Great Antarctic Fire of ’06.
While putting some mementos in a fireproof safe, Gunther and Viktoria discussed their relationship. Viktoria worried that, despite her vow not to fall in love her first time, she may be becoming too attached to Gunther. Gunther confessed that it had been his first time as well—he’d never had sex before, because every woman assumed he was gay. Gunther looked deeply into Viktoria’s eyes and saw her experience and wisdom.
Panicked, Deb climbed to the top of the Big Top and screamed for an incredibly long time. Stoolts rushed (as much as he can “rush”) to her rescue. As he approached, Deb informed him that she was already pregnant from their encounter. (“It happens really fast in my family.”) Thrilled by the news, Stoolts was infused with the strength of ten men and easily saved Deb.
Reggie and Sealman addressed the audience, assuring them that everything was under control while also getting them to sign releases. They decided to make the evacuation part of the show by shooting all the audience members out of a cannon.
Sasha told Gunther that the danger of imminent death had made her realize how much Gunther meant to her. Gunther regretfully informed her that he had found somebody else. Breaking down, Sasha told him to leave her to die. Gunther declared that he wouldn’t let her die—he would teach her to jump through fire, just as he trained his tigers.
Deb rushed to her trailer to salvage her beard-brush, only to find Viktoria snooping through her things. Viktoria explained that, since becoming a woman, he’d developed an uncontrollable curiosity. Reading Deb’s diary, Viktoria had learned about her incredible fertility and her family’s history of giving children up for adoption.
Stoolts was heroically holding up the ceiling as the patrons escaped. Seeing the fire rising up Stoolts’ body, Truck “rescued” him by beating out the flames with his wrench.
While training Sasha to jump through the flames, Gunther admitted that his feelings for Viktoria had only been a temporary infatuation. Gunther explained his love for Sasha through a zombie metaphor, and Sasha agreed that they should let their passion rise from the grave.
Reggie was searching through the inferno for the baby-creature. Sealman suggested that it would be best to let the monstrous thing die, even though that goes against Sealman’s Catholic upbringing. Shocked, Reggie informed him that this was a Protestant circus. As they debated religion, the baby-thing emerged from the flames and leaped upon Reggie. Sealman pried the baby off of Reggie and declared “Goodnight Moon” in a vaguely disturbing manner.
Gunther and Sasha were in the throes of sex when they realized that Viktoria was listening from outside. Sasha feared that Viktoria would kill them both in a jealous rage, but Viktoria assured her that there was nothing to worry about…her encounter with Gunther meant as little to her as it had to him.
Stoolts asked Sealman for some salve to treat his burns. Sealman informed him that it would cost extra, now that Sealman has an evil baby to support. Stoolts attempted to bond with Sealman over fatherhood, but his efforts were blocked when Sealman started wondering what the big deal is about being a father.
Deb was sifting through the smoldering wreckage when Truck came to confront her about her pregnancy. He expressed concern for her safety, worrying that Stoolts might harm her or the baby—thus planting the seeds of doubt and making an opening for himself.
Viktoria was crying to herself when Reggie walked by. Having only known her as “Viktor” before, Reggie was stunned and disturbed by Viktoria’s new persona. Still, he reluctantly consoled her. Viktoria confessed that, despite her reassurance to Gunther that it meant nothing, she really HAD fallen in love with him. Reggie warned her that workplace romances never turn out well.
Fearing that Viktoria might kill her, Sasha went to Sealman for help. Sealman simply said that she had to deal with the consequences of her love for Gunther, telling her “You can’t harvest a field and not expect corn to grow.” Then he broke into an agricultural-based song about love and its results, including pregnancy.
As Reggie continued to console Viktoria, Gunther entered and declared his love for Sasha. He announced that he would rather quit the circus than give up Sasha, and Reggie was all too glad to accept his resignation. Just then, Sasha arrived and announced that she was quitting too…and that she’s pregnant. Stunned, Gunther informed Sasha that he had made sure long ago that he could never have children.
Stoolts walked in just as Truck kissed Deb.
Explaining that she had to get away and get her thoughts together, Sasha said goodbye to Gunther. Setting out on the road, she had brief flashbacks to her fondest memories of each of her circus friends.
Stung by Deb’s apparent betrayal, Stoolts contemplated drastic action. He pulled off his red nose and prepared to toss it in the air, declaring “Heads, everybody lives…tails, they die.” With that, he flipped his nose.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Season 14, Episode 8: Trapeze Porn
Episode 8: Trapeze Porn
Returning from the circus managers’ conference, Reggie Bunkler found himself locked out of his office. Truck explained that he’d changed the locks now that it was HIS office, but let Reggie in as a visitor. Reggie asked what had happened while Truck was in charge, and Truck reported that two people had died and Viktor Busliftor had given himself a sex-change operation.
On an ice-cream date with Deb Henderson, Stoolts informed her that he had taken an on-line real estate course so he could support her even if they left the circus…and he’d also taken on-line self-defense classes to protect her from Truck. As they planned their future, Deb suggested that Stoolts also get an on-line GED, seeing as how he was only 15 and had spent his entire life in the circus. Stoolts took offense, thinking she was suggesting he wasn’t smart enough for her.
Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions was crying over the death of his biological father (Jack Lightning Jr.) when Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm came in to console him. Gunther suggested that perhaps Jack wasn’t really dead, and might come back from the grave. Robbie was not comforted.
Viktor (or “Viktoria”) came to Sasha’s trailer for some beauty tips, explaining that he was now a woman. Sasha warned her that there was only room for one beautiful woman in this circus. Viktoria replied that she knew she could never compete with Sasha, but only wanted to feel better about herself. Sasha suggested that Viktoria start by shaving her mustache.
Stoolts confronted Truck, who threatened to knock Stoolts’ wooden stool-legs out from under him. In turn, Stoolts warned that he would rub his wooden legs together really fast and set Truck on fire. Unexpectedly, Truck apologized, explaining that he’d grown sick of violence. He wanted to make it up to Stoolts…perhaps by helping him pass the GED.
Reggie asked Robbie to help him get past Truck’s security system so he could reclaim his own office. Despite his dislike of Reggie, Robbie agreed out of respect for Reggie’s father. This prompted Reggie to reveal that he resented his father because the family circus robbed him of a normal childhood. After a bit more conversation, Robbie noticed the bulge under Reggie’s shirt. Reggie revealed that the baby that had been growing out of his chest had almost fully emerged. Reggie warned that the “baby” whispered to him in the night.
Meeting in the center ring, Deb asked Sasha for advice on her relationship with Stoolts, since she was worried about his drinking and their age difference—she’s 40 and he’s 15. (“If we weren’t in the circus, it’d be illegal.”) Sasha asked if they had actually had sex yet, and Deb replied that they hadn’t yet figured out the logistics of it. Sasha offered to let Deb use her trapeze system to fly onto Stoolts’ weiner.
Gunther ran into Viktoria, and complimented her on her new look. Gunther revealed that, now that Viktoria was a woman, he could admit his attraction to her. Viktoria thanked Gunther for the compliment, but explained that she wasn’t a lesbian. (Viktor had always thought that the long-haired Gunther was a woman.) After clearing up Viktoria’s confusion, Gunther asked her out on a date.
Reggie and Robbie broke into Reggie’s office, where Reggie revealed his plan to somehow get rid of the baby-thing growing from him. Outraged, Robbie informed Reggie that he would care for the baby if Robbie wouldn’t. Then he started breast-feeding it, much to Reggie’s disgust. (“Oh God, I can taste it!”)
Truck was helping Stoolts prepare for the GED, but the questions he asked were deliberately designed to prey on Stoolts’ insecurities. (“If a train is going West at 70 miles per hour, how far away will a man’s girlfriend go to cheat on him because he’s too dumb for her?”) Stoolts started to confront Truck about his insinuations, but then went off on a tangent about The Cosby Show.
Sasha was instructing Deb on how to use the aerial system, telling her to dismount the trapeze and immediately mount Stoolts—which would require both precision timing and great control of her “kenkel” muscles. Sasha then informed Deb that they were going to make their consummation into the circus’ main attraction of the night.
Reggie went to Truck for help in getting rid of the baby-thing. As Truck examined Reggie’s conjoined symbiote, the baby-thing intoned that Truck would die a fiery death. Truck contemplated the financial potential of a baby that could foresee the future, then resumed his examination. Truck informed Reggie that the only tool that could detach the parasite was Truck’s trusty wrench. (“I’m gonna beat you in the face until that baby falls off.”)
Sasha informed Stoolts that she’d prepared a wonderful new act for him and Deb…but first, she’d need to cut a hole in his pants. She then explained the facts of life and “special hugging” to him.
Robbie gave Deb a pep talk to prepare her for the big moment, but grossed her out when he compared it to a ring-toss.
Gunther and Viktoria were out on the town, taking a walk through downtown Atlanta. As traffic passed around them, Viktoria contemplated how romantic it would be to die like Margaret Mitchell. Viktoria then confessed that, for all the wild sexual shenanigans that go on at the circus, she was still a virgin. As “Time After Time” swelled in the background, Viktoria explained that she wanted her first time to be special…but not so special that she’d mistake it for true love. Gunther agreed to take her behind a dumpster.
In Reggie’s office, Truck prepared to remove the baby-thing…by hitting Reggie in the crotch with the wrench.
The time of the big show had arrived, with Deb in the trapeze and Stoolts in the center ring, as the ringmaster announced “The Greatest Statutory Rape on Earth.” After some spectacular aerial maneuvers, Deb swung onto Stoolts and held onto him. Immediately afterwards, Stoolts realized that, during the act, he’d been so excited that he rubbed his wooden legs together too fast…he’d accidentally set fire to himself!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Returning from the circus managers’ conference, Reggie Bunkler found himself locked out of his office. Truck explained that he’d changed the locks now that it was HIS office, but let Reggie in as a visitor. Reggie asked what had happened while Truck was in charge, and Truck reported that two people had died and Viktor Busliftor had given himself a sex-change operation.
On an ice-cream date with Deb Henderson, Stoolts informed her that he had taken an on-line real estate course so he could support her even if they left the circus…and he’d also taken on-line self-defense classes to protect her from Truck. As they planned their future, Deb suggested that Stoolts also get an on-line GED, seeing as how he was only 15 and had spent his entire life in the circus. Stoolts took offense, thinking she was suggesting he wasn’t smart enough for her.
Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions was crying over the death of his biological father (Jack Lightning Jr.) when Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm came in to console him. Gunther suggested that perhaps Jack wasn’t really dead, and might come back from the grave. Robbie was not comforted.
Viktor (or “Viktoria”) came to Sasha’s trailer for some beauty tips, explaining that he was now a woman. Sasha warned her that there was only room for one beautiful woman in this circus. Viktoria replied that she knew she could never compete with Sasha, but only wanted to feel better about herself. Sasha suggested that Viktoria start by shaving her mustache.
Stoolts confronted Truck, who threatened to knock Stoolts’ wooden stool-legs out from under him. In turn, Stoolts warned that he would rub his wooden legs together really fast and set Truck on fire. Unexpectedly, Truck apologized, explaining that he’d grown sick of violence. He wanted to make it up to Stoolts…perhaps by helping him pass the GED.
Reggie asked Robbie to help him get past Truck’s security system so he could reclaim his own office. Despite his dislike of Reggie, Robbie agreed out of respect for Reggie’s father. This prompted Reggie to reveal that he resented his father because the family circus robbed him of a normal childhood. After a bit more conversation, Robbie noticed the bulge under Reggie’s shirt. Reggie revealed that the baby that had been growing out of his chest had almost fully emerged. Reggie warned that the “baby” whispered to him in the night.
Meeting in the center ring, Deb asked Sasha for advice on her relationship with Stoolts, since she was worried about his drinking and their age difference—she’s 40 and he’s 15. (“If we weren’t in the circus, it’d be illegal.”) Sasha asked if they had actually had sex yet, and Deb replied that they hadn’t yet figured out the logistics of it. Sasha offered to let Deb use her trapeze system to fly onto Stoolts’ weiner.
Gunther ran into Viktoria, and complimented her on her new look. Gunther revealed that, now that Viktoria was a woman, he could admit his attraction to her. Viktoria thanked Gunther for the compliment, but explained that she wasn’t a lesbian. (Viktor had always thought that the long-haired Gunther was a woman.) After clearing up Viktoria’s confusion, Gunther asked her out on a date.
Reggie and Robbie broke into Reggie’s office, where Reggie revealed his plan to somehow get rid of the baby-thing growing from him. Outraged, Robbie informed Reggie that he would care for the baby if Robbie wouldn’t. Then he started breast-feeding it, much to Reggie’s disgust. (“Oh God, I can taste it!”)
Truck was helping Stoolts prepare for the GED, but the questions he asked were deliberately designed to prey on Stoolts’ insecurities. (“If a train is going West at 70 miles per hour, how far away will a man’s girlfriend go to cheat on him because he’s too dumb for her?”) Stoolts started to confront Truck about his insinuations, but then went off on a tangent about The Cosby Show.
Sasha was instructing Deb on how to use the aerial system, telling her to dismount the trapeze and immediately mount Stoolts—which would require both precision timing and great control of her “kenkel” muscles. Sasha then informed Deb that they were going to make their consummation into the circus’ main attraction of the night.
Reggie went to Truck for help in getting rid of the baby-thing. As Truck examined Reggie’s conjoined symbiote, the baby-thing intoned that Truck would die a fiery death. Truck contemplated the financial potential of a baby that could foresee the future, then resumed his examination. Truck informed Reggie that the only tool that could detach the parasite was Truck’s trusty wrench. (“I’m gonna beat you in the face until that baby falls off.”)
Sasha informed Stoolts that she’d prepared a wonderful new act for him and Deb…but first, she’d need to cut a hole in his pants. She then explained the facts of life and “special hugging” to him.
Robbie gave Deb a pep talk to prepare her for the big moment, but grossed her out when he compared it to a ring-toss.
Gunther and Viktoria were out on the town, taking a walk through downtown Atlanta. As traffic passed around them, Viktoria contemplated how romantic it would be to die like Margaret Mitchell. Viktoria then confessed that, for all the wild sexual shenanigans that go on at the circus, she was still a virgin. As “Time After Time” swelled in the background, Viktoria explained that she wanted her first time to be special…but not so special that she’d mistake it for true love. Gunther agreed to take her behind a dumpster.
In Reggie’s office, Truck prepared to remove the baby-thing…by hitting Reggie in the crotch with the wrench.
The time of the big show had arrived, with Deb in the trapeze and Stoolts in the center ring, as the ringmaster announced “The Greatest Statutory Rape on Earth.” After some spectacular aerial maneuvers, Deb swung onto Stoolts and held onto him. Immediately afterwards, Stoolts realized that, during the act, he’d been so excited that he rubbed his wooden legs together too fast…he’d accidentally set fire to himself!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Season 14, Episode 6: You Say It's Your Birthday
Episode 6: You Say It’s Your Birthday
Circus owner Reggie Bunkler, who now has a baby arm growing out of his chest, was teaching it how to write when Stoolts came back. As Reggie got up from his desk, we saw that he was also growing a leg out of his crotch. After recovering from this shocking sight, Stoolts explained that roadie Truck Tarkenton had attacked him. (“He knocked me down…and it takes me five minutes to fall down!”) Stoolts threatened to kill Truck; when Reggie protested, Stoolts countered “Well, he killed me first!”
Sasha was prettying herself up in front of her birthday mirror when Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm came in with a gift for her. After warning him that her accepting the gift did not mean they were in a relationship, she opened it to discover it was his tiger cub Schatzi. Gunther explained that, after Schatzi’s death, he had her stuffed by the finest German engineers, who put in a special microchip. Sasha cried that she couldn’t take Schatzi, fearing that she would destroy her all over again. She then did an interpretive dance which ended with her drop-kicking and then stomping on Schatzi.
Bearded lady Deb Henderson came to Truck’s workshop to confront him about his attack on Stoolts. He explained that he did it because he loved her…and the ultimate expression of love is killing a guy and taking his girl. Deb was disturbed by this talk of killing, but Truck reassured her that he would never kill her…unless she left him.
Since his mother had placed a curse on the circus, Viktor Busliftor had set up a laboratory and had managed to concoct a crystalline formula to absorb the curse like kitty litter. A drunken Stoolts wandered by and assumed Viktor had made a meth lab.
Sasha told Reggie that she had devised a special act for her birthday, which would end with the release of 100 white doves. Reggie protested that that was too expensive…at $483 per dove, that would be four grand. Sasha pointed out the error in his math. (“And you wonder why the circus is in trouble!”)
Gunther came to see Truck for advice on his relationship with Sasha. Gunther confessed that he was so smitten by Sasha, he had let his own act suffer so he wouldn’t outshine her. He used to have an act even more spectacular than hers…tigers on the high wire! Truck had no memory of this act, but then he was drunk most of the time. Truck advised Gunther to stop taking a backseat to her, and instead show her who’s the man.
Viktor was spreading the curse-bait around the perimeter of the circus when Sasha came by. Out of nowhere, Viktor confessed that he’d like to start experiencing all that life has to offer, starting with marijuana. She told him he could get some from Truck. Viktor then explained about his curse-bait, and warned her to stay away from it. She suggested he should put up a warning sign. (“No, then the curse will know it is there!”)
Deb came to see Reggie, terrified that somebody was going to be killed. Reggie told her that it was all her fault for leading on Truck. She lamented that she couldn’t break Stoolts’ heart, especially since it was his birthday as well (and nobody had noticed because Sasha was getting all the attention). Reggie suggested that she could bake Stoolts a special cake, and warn him about Truck’s threat by writing a secret message in the icing.
Sasha was practicing in the center ring when Stoolts came by, furious that her birthday was outshining his. He was so upset, he yanked off his red nose and threw it at her.
Truck was building a bomb in his workshop when Viktor came by to score some weed. Truck offered him some of his finest Siamese Kush, grown by Siamese twins. Truck explained that smoking this would let him see the future with one eye and the past with the other. When Viktor remarked that that seemed like a pretty heavy trip for his first time, Truck told him that he needs to see the future and the past in order to live in the now. Viktor bought the dope.
Gunther found the despondent Stoolts lamenting the loss of his nose. Gunther assuring the clown that no matter what else Stoolts may have lost, he had at least one true friend in him. (“I’d take a bullet for you.” “For me or from me?”)
Deb came to Sasha’s trailer to wish her a happy birthday and possibly bury the hatchet. Sasha accepted Deb’s peace offering, and in return, she let Deb look into her special Bolivian birthday mirror, which makes everything look more beautiful.
Reggie informed Truck that he would be leaving town for a circus managers’ conference, and he would be leaving Truck in charge during his absence. Truck declared that he had some changes in mind. Seeing the gleam in Truck’s eyes, Reggie demanded that he turn in his wrench so that he couldn’t do too much damage. Truck protested that he’d inherited that wrench from his grandfather, who went down on the Titanic. Reggie pointed out that the Titanic’s sinking only proved that a wrench can’t fix everything.
Viktor was getting high in the park when a passing stoner asked for a hit. The stoner then saw his childhood and his future offspring simultaneously, freaked out, and left. Gunther came by and took a puff, but he was okay with it. Gunther attempted warn Viktor that Stoolts might hurt somebody, but he was so stoned that he had to say his punctuation out loud as he spoke. Then they started playing hackey-sack with Stoolts’ red nose.
Truck brought Sasha a flatiron for her eyelashes, and wished her a happy birthday. Sasha replied by saying “Happy birthday” in turn, then went into a stand-up routine about saying the same thing back to people even when it’s an inappropriate response.
Stoolts was wandering around when Reggie came by to wish him a happy birthday. The drunken Stoolts mistook Reggie for Truck and hit him with his helmet. Stoolts complained about always getting the shitty end of the birthday cake—that last piece from the corner with the too-sugary rose. Ironically, Reggie had brought that very piece. Just then, Deb came in with a gift for Stoolts—his nose. As she put it back on his face, Stoolts realized it was true love. He proposed by placing his beer bottle on her finger.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Circus owner Reggie Bunkler, who now has a baby arm growing out of his chest, was teaching it how to write when Stoolts came back. As Reggie got up from his desk, we saw that he was also growing a leg out of his crotch. After recovering from this shocking sight, Stoolts explained that roadie Truck Tarkenton had attacked him. (“He knocked me down…and it takes me five minutes to fall down!”) Stoolts threatened to kill Truck; when Reggie protested, Stoolts countered “Well, he killed me first!”
Sasha was prettying herself up in front of her birthday mirror when Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm came in with a gift for her. After warning him that her accepting the gift did not mean they were in a relationship, she opened it to discover it was his tiger cub Schatzi. Gunther explained that, after Schatzi’s death, he had her stuffed by the finest German engineers, who put in a special microchip. Sasha cried that she couldn’t take Schatzi, fearing that she would destroy her all over again. She then did an interpretive dance which ended with her drop-kicking and then stomping on Schatzi.
Bearded lady Deb Henderson came to Truck’s workshop to confront him about his attack on Stoolts. He explained that he did it because he loved her…and the ultimate expression of love is killing a guy and taking his girl. Deb was disturbed by this talk of killing, but Truck reassured her that he would never kill her…unless she left him.
Since his mother had placed a curse on the circus, Viktor Busliftor had set up a laboratory and had managed to concoct a crystalline formula to absorb the curse like kitty litter. A drunken Stoolts wandered by and assumed Viktor had made a meth lab.
Sasha told Reggie that she had devised a special act for her birthday, which would end with the release of 100 white doves. Reggie protested that that was too expensive…at $483 per dove, that would be four grand. Sasha pointed out the error in his math. (“And you wonder why the circus is in trouble!”)
Gunther came to see Truck for advice on his relationship with Sasha. Gunther confessed that he was so smitten by Sasha, he had let his own act suffer so he wouldn’t outshine her. He used to have an act even more spectacular than hers…tigers on the high wire! Truck had no memory of this act, but then he was drunk most of the time. Truck advised Gunther to stop taking a backseat to her, and instead show her who’s the man.
Viktor was spreading the curse-bait around the perimeter of the circus when Sasha came by. Out of nowhere, Viktor confessed that he’d like to start experiencing all that life has to offer, starting with marijuana. She told him he could get some from Truck. Viktor then explained about his curse-bait, and warned her to stay away from it. She suggested he should put up a warning sign. (“No, then the curse will know it is there!”)
Deb came to see Reggie, terrified that somebody was going to be killed. Reggie told her that it was all her fault for leading on Truck. She lamented that she couldn’t break Stoolts’ heart, especially since it was his birthday as well (and nobody had noticed because Sasha was getting all the attention). Reggie suggested that she could bake Stoolts a special cake, and warn him about Truck’s threat by writing a secret message in the icing.
Sasha was practicing in the center ring when Stoolts came by, furious that her birthday was outshining his. He was so upset, he yanked off his red nose and threw it at her.
Truck was building a bomb in his workshop when Viktor came by to score some weed. Truck offered him some of his finest Siamese Kush, grown by Siamese twins. Truck explained that smoking this would let him see the future with one eye and the past with the other. When Viktor remarked that that seemed like a pretty heavy trip for his first time, Truck told him that he needs to see the future and the past in order to live in the now. Viktor bought the dope.
Gunther found the despondent Stoolts lamenting the loss of his nose. Gunther assuring the clown that no matter what else Stoolts may have lost, he had at least one true friend in him. (“I’d take a bullet for you.” “For me or from me?”)
Deb came to Sasha’s trailer to wish her a happy birthday and possibly bury the hatchet. Sasha accepted Deb’s peace offering, and in return, she let Deb look into her special Bolivian birthday mirror, which makes everything look more beautiful.
Reggie informed Truck that he would be leaving town for a circus managers’ conference, and he would be leaving Truck in charge during his absence. Truck declared that he had some changes in mind. Seeing the gleam in Truck’s eyes, Reggie demanded that he turn in his wrench so that he couldn’t do too much damage. Truck protested that he’d inherited that wrench from his grandfather, who went down on the Titanic. Reggie pointed out that the Titanic’s sinking only proved that a wrench can’t fix everything.
Viktor was getting high in the park when a passing stoner asked for a hit. The stoner then saw his childhood and his future offspring simultaneously, freaked out, and left. Gunther came by and took a puff, but he was okay with it. Gunther attempted warn Viktor that Stoolts might hurt somebody, but he was so stoned that he had to say his punctuation out loud as he spoke. Then they started playing hackey-sack with Stoolts’ red nose.
Truck brought Sasha a flatiron for her eyelashes, and wished her a happy birthday. Sasha replied by saying “Happy birthday” in turn, then went into a stand-up routine about saying the same thing back to people even when it’s an inappropriate response.
Stoolts was wandering around when Reggie came by to wish him a happy birthday. The drunken Stoolts mistook Reggie for Truck and hit him with his helmet. Stoolts complained about always getting the shitty end of the birthday cake—that last piece from the corner with the too-sugary rose. Ironically, Reggie had brought that very piece. Just then, Deb came in with a gift for Stoolts—his nose. As she put it back on his face, Stoolts realized it was true love. He proposed by placing his beer bottle on her finger.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Season 14, Episode 4: Mother Russia
Episode 4: Mother Russia
Circus owner Reggie Bunkler called a meeting of the entire staff, explaining that the circus needed to change its name to duck all the lawsuits against it. Everyone began brainstorming new names. Viktor suggested “Smokey and the Bandit.” Truck proposed “The Guaranteed Somebody’s Gonna Die Circus.” Sasha offered “The Sasha Experience.” Deb countered with “The Sasha’s a Big Bitch Experience.”
Stoolts asked Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm for advice on his girl troubles, explaining that Deb had caught him talking to Sasha and getting an erection. (“Now she’s gonna leave me, and we were gonna open a pizza place someday!”) The conversation drifted onto the subject of pizza.
Sasha and Sealman were having ice cream together and discussing the circus’ new name. Sealman considered a meaningless, one-word name like upscale restaurants use. When Sasha suggested that he write down his ideas, he confessed that he couldn’t read or write…and he needed to learn so that he could realize his dream of joining the Atlanta Sympathy Orchestra. Sasha told him that he first needed to get rid of his defeatist attitude.
Strongman Viktor Busliftor came to Truck’s workshop, where Truck was sawing off the end of a shotgun. Truck proposed a new act, where Viktor would set his mustache on fire, and Truck would put it out with a shotgun. Viktor replied that he had done that before—that was how his face got the way it is now. They discussed the possibility of Viktor getting a face transplant.
Reggie called Deb into his office to discuss the decline in her customer-service skills. She explained that she’d been preoccupied with her relationship with Stoolts. When Reggie pointed out that fraternization between co-workers was against the rules, she protested “I’m a bearded lady! If I don’t get any here, I’m not gonna get any anywhere!” She then explained that her jealousy over Sasha had driven her into a murderous rage, and she suggested that she put that rage to good use by becoming the circus’ official hitman. Reggie replied that he didn’t need anyone killed, then tried to calm her down by setting her up on a blind date.
Sasha and Gunther had a heart-to-heart about their love/hate relationship. She explained that she could not deal with his beauty, as it drew attention away from her. As they bickered, the sexual tension grew until they threw themselves into each other’s arms.
Sealman and Truck were watching girls walk by, making lewd comments.
Deb was in her train car, angrily baking rat-poison treats, when Stoolts came by to apologize for his encounter with Sasha. (“It wasn’t like my pants were down…because I can’t take my clothes off.”) He then explained that he couldn’t help it if Sasha’s attracted to him—after all, he’s tall, sensitive, and has read all the ‘Twilight’ novels.
Reggie called Viktor to his office, where Viktor asked Reggie the purpose of Reggie’s ‘Swear Jar.’ Reggie explained that he kept the circus clean by making everybody put in money when they use profanity, and that money would go to the performers (in the form of a skee-ball party) at the end of the year. They then turned to a more pressing matter—the impending visit by Viktor’s mother. Just then, Mrs. Busliftor arrived, screeching her son’s name. Reggie mistook the shrill, blaring cry for an elephant’s death rattle.
Later, Viktor was showing his mother around the circus, though she was unimpressed. She wanted him to return to Russia, declaring that he’s wasting away and becoming a decadent American. As proof, she pointed out that he now smells of Old Spice.
In Gunther’s train car, Sasha and Gunther were attempting to keep their passion under control. She declared that it would never work out, as she knows from his flamboyant costumes and luxurious hair that he’s gay. When he protested that she was stereotyping him, she pointed out that his very name is “Gayfer.” He insisted that his attraction for her was real, and they lay down upon Gunther’s tiny bed. Having to assume a contorted pose to fit on the bed, Sasha worried that everybody could see her butt.
Deb was prettying herself up when her blind date arrived—Truck Tarkenton. Truck gave her some flowers, and she served her special Chicken Royale recipe (chicken and green beans). Just then, Stoolts came by to share the news that Sasha had shown her butt to everyone. Seeing Deb and Truck together, Stoolts shouted “What the fuck’s going on?” Then he threw some money towards the Swear Jar, since he couldn’t walk that far.
Afterwards, Stoolts poured out his heart to Sealman, who declared that he was going to make a man of Stoolts by finding another woman for him. Just then, Irina Busliftor walked by. When Sealman approached her to fix her up with Stoolts, she clubbed Sealman with a large bone.
Leaving their respective liaisons, Sasha and Deb ran into each other. They argued and insulted each other viciously.
Viktor and Gunther were playing ping-pong and discussing Mrs. Busliftor’s visit. When Viktor complained that his mother drives him crazy, Gunther sympathetically replied that he doesn’t love his parents either. Viktor clarified that he wasn’t going that far—he never said he didn’t love his mother, just that she drove him crazy. Gunther further explained that he and his parents were emotionally cut off from each other—Gunther is carrying on his family lion-taming tradition, though his father isn’t there to see it. Viktor suggested that Gunther mend fences with his parents, then realized he should take his own advice. They then came up with an idea for a new act—Gunther would move from lion-taming to mother-taming.
Truck was telling Reggie about his date with Deb. (“We had chicken and green beans from a can, then she got in a fight with her boyfriend. Best date ever.”) Grateful for Reggie fixing them up, Truck said that he owed Reggie a big debt and would do anything to pay him back. Reggie immediately called in that favor, explaining that Sealman had been clubbed…and since the circus couldn’t afford a vet, they needed Truck to check him for brain damage.
Reggie revealed the circus’ new name: “The Smokey and the Bandit Imminent Death Family Circus.”
Stoolts picked up Mrs. Busliftor for their date, hoping that she would soon segue into speaking English like in ‘Hunt for Red October.’
Taking the stage for his big number, the injured Sealman sang a chorus of “Sunday Bloody Sunday,” then immediately collapsed.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Circus owner Reggie Bunkler called a meeting of the entire staff, explaining that the circus needed to change its name to duck all the lawsuits against it. Everyone began brainstorming new names. Viktor suggested “Smokey and the Bandit.” Truck proposed “The Guaranteed Somebody’s Gonna Die Circus.” Sasha offered “The Sasha Experience.” Deb countered with “The Sasha’s a Big Bitch Experience.”
Stoolts asked Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm for advice on his girl troubles, explaining that Deb had caught him talking to Sasha and getting an erection. (“Now she’s gonna leave me, and we were gonna open a pizza place someday!”) The conversation drifted onto the subject of pizza.
Sasha and Sealman were having ice cream together and discussing the circus’ new name. Sealman considered a meaningless, one-word name like upscale restaurants use. When Sasha suggested that he write down his ideas, he confessed that he couldn’t read or write…and he needed to learn so that he could realize his dream of joining the Atlanta Sympathy Orchestra. Sasha told him that he first needed to get rid of his defeatist attitude.
Strongman Viktor Busliftor came to Truck’s workshop, where Truck was sawing off the end of a shotgun. Truck proposed a new act, where Viktor would set his mustache on fire, and Truck would put it out with a shotgun. Viktor replied that he had done that before—that was how his face got the way it is now. They discussed the possibility of Viktor getting a face transplant.
Reggie called Deb into his office to discuss the decline in her customer-service skills. She explained that she’d been preoccupied with her relationship with Stoolts. When Reggie pointed out that fraternization between co-workers was against the rules, she protested “I’m a bearded lady! If I don’t get any here, I’m not gonna get any anywhere!” She then explained that her jealousy over Sasha had driven her into a murderous rage, and she suggested that she put that rage to good use by becoming the circus’ official hitman. Reggie replied that he didn’t need anyone killed, then tried to calm her down by setting her up on a blind date.
Sasha and Gunther had a heart-to-heart about their love/hate relationship. She explained that she could not deal with his beauty, as it drew attention away from her. As they bickered, the sexual tension grew until they threw themselves into each other’s arms.
Sealman and Truck were watching girls walk by, making lewd comments.
Deb was in her train car, angrily baking rat-poison treats, when Stoolts came by to apologize for his encounter with Sasha. (“It wasn’t like my pants were down…because I can’t take my clothes off.”) He then explained that he couldn’t help it if Sasha’s attracted to him—after all, he’s tall, sensitive, and has read all the ‘Twilight’ novels.
Reggie called Viktor to his office, where Viktor asked Reggie the purpose of Reggie’s ‘Swear Jar.’ Reggie explained that he kept the circus clean by making everybody put in money when they use profanity, and that money would go to the performers (in the form of a skee-ball party) at the end of the year. They then turned to a more pressing matter—the impending visit by Viktor’s mother. Just then, Mrs. Busliftor arrived, screeching her son’s name. Reggie mistook the shrill, blaring cry for an elephant’s death rattle.
Later, Viktor was showing his mother around the circus, though she was unimpressed. She wanted him to return to Russia, declaring that he’s wasting away and becoming a decadent American. As proof, she pointed out that he now smells of Old Spice.
In Gunther’s train car, Sasha and Gunther were attempting to keep their passion under control. She declared that it would never work out, as she knows from his flamboyant costumes and luxurious hair that he’s gay. When he protested that she was stereotyping him, she pointed out that his very name is “Gayfer.” He insisted that his attraction for her was real, and they lay down upon Gunther’s tiny bed. Having to assume a contorted pose to fit on the bed, Sasha worried that everybody could see her butt.
Deb was prettying herself up when her blind date arrived—Truck Tarkenton. Truck gave her some flowers, and she served her special Chicken Royale recipe (chicken and green beans). Just then, Stoolts came by to share the news that Sasha had shown her butt to everyone. Seeing Deb and Truck together, Stoolts shouted “What the fuck’s going on?” Then he threw some money towards the Swear Jar, since he couldn’t walk that far.
Afterwards, Stoolts poured out his heart to Sealman, who declared that he was going to make a man of Stoolts by finding another woman for him. Just then, Irina Busliftor walked by. When Sealman approached her to fix her up with Stoolts, she clubbed Sealman with a large bone.
Leaving their respective liaisons, Sasha and Deb ran into each other. They argued and insulted each other viciously.
Viktor and Gunther were playing ping-pong and discussing Mrs. Busliftor’s visit. When Viktor complained that his mother drives him crazy, Gunther sympathetically replied that he doesn’t love his parents either. Viktor clarified that he wasn’t going that far—he never said he didn’t love his mother, just that she drove him crazy. Gunther further explained that he and his parents were emotionally cut off from each other—Gunther is carrying on his family lion-taming tradition, though his father isn’t there to see it. Viktor suggested that Gunther mend fences with his parents, then realized he should take his own advice. They then came up with an idea for a new act—Gunther would move from lion-taming to mother-taming.
Truck was telling Reggie about his date with Deb. (“We had chicken and green beans from a can, then she got in a fight with her boyfriend. Best date ever.”) Grateful for Reggie fixing them up, Truck said that he owed Reggie a big debt and would do anything to pay him back. Reggie immediately called in that favor, explaining that Sealman had been clubbed…and since the circus couldn’t afford a vet, they needed Truck to check him for brain damage.
Reggie revealed the circus’ new name: “The Smokey and the Bandit Imminent Death Family Circus.”
Stoolts picked up Mrs. Busliftor for their date, hoping that she would soon segue into speaking English like in ‘Hunt for Red October.’
Taking the stage for his big number, the injured Sealman sang a chorus of “Sunday Bloody Sunday,” then immediately collapsed.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Season 14, Episode 3: Mail Call
Episode 3: Mail Call
Daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Kniesions prepared for his greatest stunt ever: jumping his bike over eight burning short buses full of special-needs kids. While the jump itself went off without a hitch, the fire-extinguishing foam in his exhaust pipe failed to go off.
One week later, circus owner Reggie Bunkler was in his office looking over the many lawsuits filed by the kids’ families. Roadie Truck Tarkenton pointed out that Robbie’s stunt was fundamentally flawed, in that motorcycle exhaust pipes are not fire extinguishers. Truck then took the list of the plaintiffs’ names and addresses, telling Reggie that he’s better off not knowing what Truck plans to do.
Animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm was attempting to train Sealman Rushdie to jump through a hoop, despite Sealman’s protests that he’s a musician, not a stunt performer. Gunther cried that he needed a new act to overcome his heartbreak over the loss of his tiger cub Schatzi (whose death Gunther still believed to be an accident). Sealman tried to inspire Gunther with a ballad about life: “You Swim With the Current, Swim Against the Tide.”
Bearded lady Deb Henderson and strongman Viktor Busliftor were working the crowd with their “Guess Your Wallet” game (with Deb using her X-ray vision to scan the contents of a volunteer’s purse). When Deb guessed incorrectly, Viktor called off the act as Deb wondered how her powers could have failed. Just then, Truck brought them some mail. Deb’s letter was from her mother, Delta Burke, demanding that Deb stop using her name and bringing shame to the family. Viktor’s letter was even worse news—his mother is coming to visit.
Stoolts and Robbie were having coffee together. Never having tasted coffee before, Stoolts didn’t know not to down five shots of espresso in one gulp. Hopped-up on caffeine, Stoolts began moving so fast that it was as if Robbie was in slow-motion.
Aerialist Sasha was meditating in her train cart when Truck came in to bring her a letter. She angrily scolded him for interrupting her meditation. (“Don’t you know I could have gotten stuck in another dimension?”) He explained that, even though he’s been screening her fan-mail, he believed this one was personal. Sasha read the letter, which turned out to be from a morbidly obese 12-year-old girl who idolizes Sasha and wants to be like her. Sasha ranted even more furiously over his bringing her a fan letter.
Viktor came into Reggie’s office to warn him about the impending visit from Viktor’s mother. Viktor explains that once she comes, she will never leave until she takes over the circus as its new star attraction. When Reggie asked what makes her such a big deal, Viktor explained “She glows in the dark, to begin with.”
Sealman was practicing his moves when Truck came in with a letter. Since Sealman couldn’t open it with his flippers, Truck read it for him: “Sealman, your days are numbered. I will eat you. Frank.” To explain this threat, Sealman dropped some mysterious hints about his past:
SEALMAN: “There’s a reason they call it the deadliest catch.”
TRUCK: “Crabs?”
Having taken Sealman’s song to heart, Gunther decided to leave the circus and go off to “swim with the current.” Truck came by with a letter, but Gunther just walked on by.
Deb was baking cookies when Stoolts ran in, still on his caffeine high. Deb told him about the letter from her mother, lamenting “Delta Burke doesn’t want a freak for a daughter.” Stoolts replied “Well, I want a freak for a wife.” They discussed going on the run together, like Bonnie and Clyde (or maybe Clyde and Clyde).
Sasha and Robbie were bickering, though they knew their mutual dislike was based on his sexual frustration. He’d lost his penis in a stunt, jumping over angry crabs, and since then he could only get phantom-limb erections. Just then, Truck brought in a letter for Robbie, reading “Please jump over the ice-cream man. He’s weird.” Comparing the handwriting on their letters, Sasha deduced that the same obese child had written Robbie’s letter, presumably so she could steal the ice cream after Robbie’s stunt scares off the ice-cream man.
Sealman came into Reggie’s office, gripped with fear for the first time in his life. He explained that Frank was after him…then stated that FRANK wasn’t a person, but an acronym.
Viktor went to see Stoolts for advice about his mother’s upcoming visit. Stoolts shared something his father had told him: “If you’re ever in a situation where your life is in danger, you better have lived a good life.” When Viktor explained that it wasn’t their lives so much as their livelihoods that were threatened, Stoolts said that in that case, it’s time to fuck people up.
As he walked away, Gunther realized that he couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to Truck. He turned around and returned to the circus.
Robbie and Sasha asked Truck to help them get into the mail train so they could find out where these crazy letters were coming from. Robbie kept interrupting as Sasha tried to explain the situation, until she got fed up and cut him out of the plan. Robbie replied that he’d been deliberately inept so that she’d leave him out of it.
Sasha then went to Viktor to enlist his help with her mail-train scheme. When Viktor told her about his own letter, she asked to see the handwriting on it. Unfortunately, he didn’t have it on him.
Stoolts was practicing some jokes when Deb came by to tell him that, despite his proposal, she was upset that he’d called her a freak. When he said “Chill out, ZZ Top,” she got even angrier. Stoolts was excited and aroused by the fact that they were having their first fight.
Robbie snuck into Reggie’s office to get back his bike (which Reggie had confiscated after the disastrous stunt). When the noise woke up Reggie, Reggie warned Robbie that he’d have to pay for disfiguring those 300 kids. Reggie then explained that he had made a deal to settle the suit…all the kids’ skin grafts would come from Robbie himself. Faced with the choice of losing his skin or being cut from the show, Robbie agreed to give up his skin.
Gunther came to say goodbye to Truck, but after speaking to him, Gunther decided to stay with the circus after all. Truck started to confess that he had killed Schatzi, but then remembered he still had a letter for Gunther. Gunther read it: “Meow! Help me! Isabelle, the white tiger from the Dunwoody Circus.” Realizing that Isabelle (Schatzi’s grandmother) was in trouble, Gunther swore to rescue her. Truck agreed to help, to make up for killing Schatzi.
Sasha talked Stoolts into helping her break into the mail train, and they began flirting with each other. Just then, Deb walked in and saw them together. Playing innocent, Stoolts turned to Sasha and shouted “Get away from me, you hooker!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Kniesions prepared for his greatest stunt ever: jumping his bike over eight burning short buses full of special-needs kids. While the jump itself went off without a hitch, the fire-extinguishing foam in his exhaust pipe failed to go off.
One week later, circus owner Reggie Bunkler was in his office looking over the many lawsuits filed by the kids’ families. Roadie Truck Tarkenton pointed out that Robbie’s stunt was fundamentally flawed, in that motorcycle exhaust pipes are not fire extinguishers. Truck then took the list of the plaintiffs’ names and addresses, telling Reggie that he’s better off not knowing what Truck plans to do.
Animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm was attempting to train Sealman Rushdie to jump through a hoop, despite Sealman’s protests that he’s a musician, not a stunt performer. Gunther cried that he needed a new act to overcome his heartbreak over the loss of his tiger cub Schatzi (whose death Gunther still believed to be an accident). Sealman tried to inspire Gunther with a ballad about life: “You Swim With the Current, Swim Against the Tide.”
Bearded lady Deb Henderson and strongman Viktor Busliftor were working the crowd with their “Guess Your Wallet” game (with Deb using her X-ray vision to scan the contents of a volunteer’s purse). When Deb guessed incorrectly, Viktor called off the act as Deb wondered how her powers could have failed. Just then, Truck brought them some mail. Deb’s letter was from her mother, Delta Burke, demanding that Deb stop using her name and bringing shame to the family. Viktor’s letter was even worse news—his mother is coming to visit.
Stoolts and Robbie were having coffee together. Never having tasted coffee before, Stoolts didn’t know not to down five shots of espresso in one gulp. Hopped-up on caffeine, Stoolts began moving so fast that it was as if Robbie was in slow-motion.
Aerialist Sasha was meditating in her train cart when Truck came in to bring her a letter. She angrily scolded him for interrupting her meditation. (“Don’t you know I could have gotten stuck in another dimension?”) He explained that, even though he’s been screening her fan-mail, he believed this one was personal. Sasha read the letter, which turned out to be from a morbidly obese 12-year-old girl who idolizes Sasha and wants to be like her. Sasha ranted even more furiously over his bringing her a fan letter.
Viktor came into Reggie’s office to warn him about the impending visit from Viktor’s mother. Viktor explains that once she comes, she will never leave until she takes over the circus as its new star attraction. When Reggie asked what makes her such a big deal, Viktor explained “She glows in the dark, to begin with.”
Sealman was practicing his moves when Truck came in with a letter. Since Sealman couldn’t open it with his flippers, Truck read it for him: “Sealman, your days are numbered. I will eat you. Frank.” To explain this threat, Sealman dropped some mysterious hints about his past:
SEALMAN: “There’s a reason they call it the deadliest catch.”
TRUCK: “Crabs?”
Having taken Sealman’s song to heart, Gunther decided to leave the circus and go off to “swim with the current.” Truck came by with a letter, but Gunther just walked on by.
Deb was baking cookies when Stoolts ran in, still on his caffeine high. Deb told him about the letter from her mother, lamenting “Delta Burke doesn’t want a freak for a daughter.” Stoolts replied “Well, I want a freak for a wife.” They discussed going on the run together, like Bonnie and Clyde (or maybe Clyde and Clyde).
Sasha and Robbie were bickering, though they knew their mutual dislike was based on his sexual frustration. He’d lost his penis in a stunt, jumping over angry crabs, and since then he could only get phantom-limb erections. Just then, Truck brought in a letter for Robbie, reading “Please jump over the ice-cream man. He’s weird.” Comparing the handwriting on their letters, Sasha deduced that the same obese child had written Robbie’s letter, presumably so she could steal the ice cream after Robbie’s stunt scares off the ice-cream man.
Sealman came into Reggie’s office, gripped with fear for the first time in his life. He explained that Frank was after him…then stated that FRANK wasn’t a person, but an acronym.
Viktor went to see Stoolts for advice about his mother’s upcoming visit. Stoolts shared something his father had told him: “If you’re ever in a situation where your life is in danger, you better have lived a good life.” When Viktor explained that it wasn’t their lives so much as their livelihoods that were threatened, Stoolts said that in that case, it’s time to fuck people up.
As he walked away, Gunther realized that he couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to Truck. He turned around and returned to the circus.
Robbie and Sasha asked Truck to help them get into the mail train so they could find out where these crazy letters were coming from. Robbie kept interrupting as Sasha tried to explain the situation, until she got fed up and cut him out of the plan. Robbie replied that he’d been deliberately inept so that she’d leave him out of it.
Sasha then went to Viktor to enlist his help with her mail-train scheme. When Viktor told her about his own letter, she asked to see the handwriting on it. Unfortunately, he didn’t have it on him.
Stoolts was practicing some jokes when Deb came by to tell him that, despite his proposal, she was upset that he’d called her a freak. When he said “Chill out, ZZ Top,” she got even angrier. Stoolts was excited and aroused by the fact that they were having their first fight.
Robbie snuck into Reggie’s office to get back his bike (which Reggie had confiscated after the disastrous stunt). When the noise woke up Reggie, Reggie warned Robbie that he’d have to pay for disfiguring those 300 kids. Reggie then explained that he had made a deal to settle the suit…all the kids’ skin grafts would come from Robbie himself. Faced with the choice of losing his skin or being cut from the show, Robbie agreed to give up his skin.
Gunther came to say goodbye to Truck, but after speaking to him, Gunther decided to stay with the circus after all. Truck started to confess that he had killed Schatzi, but then remembered he still had a letter for Gunther. Gunther read it: “Meow! Help me! Isabelle, the white tiger from the Dunwoody Circus.” Realizing that Isabelle (Schatzi’s grandmother) was in trouble, Gunther swore to rescue her. Truck agreed to help, to make up for killing Schatzi.
Sasha talked Stoolts into helping her break into the mail train, and they began flirting with each other. Just then, Deb walked in and saw them together. Playing innocent, Stoolts turned to Sasha and shouted “Get away from me, you hooker!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Season 14, Episode 2: Bad Decisions
Episode 2: Bad Decisions
Talking sea lion Sealman Rushdie were relaxing by the pool as the bearded lady Deb Henderson congratulated him on his performance. He explained that every time he plays the horns, he puts his sould into it, and a little bit of his soul drifts out into the troposphere. Worried that he might lose his soul entirely, Deb suggested that he quit and go back to the sea. When he replied that it wasn’t safe for him to return, she sympathized, explaining that she could no longer go back home to Chatsworth since she was part of a prostitution ring there. Sealman was impressed (and attracted) by the revelation of her dark side.
Daredevil Robbie “Bad Decisions” Kniesions was preparing to jump his bike over a dozen angry porcupines when circus owner Reggie Bunkler came by to discuss the budget. Robbie suggested an idea that could get them grant money: He would jump his bike over 8 buses full of special-needs kids, with the buses set on fire; his bike would then spray fire-extinguisher foam on them, and then the circus would be rewarded for saving the children. Reggie warned Robbie that the stunt was too dangerous for a man in Robbie’s condition—he’d had so many head injuries that his helmet was the only thing holding his brains in. Robbie angrily insisted that nobody would stop him.
Strongman Viktor Busliftor was holding up the big top as roadie Truck Tarkenton repaired the bolts. Viktor asked Truck for a favor…he needed Truck to mail a card to his mother in Russia. Viktor warned that if he doesn’t get the card in the mailbox today, the entire circus could die.
Animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm and trapeze artist Sasha were shopping in the Food Lion and arguing about their billing status. Tired of the bickering, Sasha decided they should have a final showdown to decide who is the better performer.
Robbie and Sealman were recruiting special kids for the stunt, when Robbie made a bigoted anti-sea-lion remark and a fight broke out. After the melee, Robbie explained that his father had died when he swerved his bike to avoid a seal, then crashed into a box of glass. Ever since then, he’s held a grudge against aquatic mammals…but he wants to change. Sealman accepted his apology…but when Robbie referred to the special kids as “tards,” Sealman started beating him up again.
Sasha was rehearsing on the trapeze when Truck swung by on a zip-line to work on the lights. Impressed by his skill, she told him about her challenge to Gunther. She could see two ways of outdoing Gunther’s act—either she and Truck could work out an incredible aerial act together, or Truck could kill Gunther’s star tiger cub Schatzi. (“I could just twist its neck like a pickle jar…a furry pickle jar that coughs up blood.”)
Reggie Bunkler called a meeting of the entire circus, informing them that their fairground permit had been revoked, and they would have to perform at an abandoned chemical storage plant. Sasha proposed that the circus could save money by firing everybody except her. A massive argument broke out among everybody, until Reggie pulled them all together with an inspirational speech.
Deb had baked some borscht pastries for Viktor, who was amazed by the taste of Russia. As they discussed the circus’ future, Viktor explained that he wasn’t worried about anything, as long as his mother gets her card. Just then, Truck ran by the thent in a panic. When Deb remarked on Truck’s speed, Viktor realized that she could see through the tent. He suggested that she use her X-ray vision to help the circus, by guessing the contents of the patrons’ wallets (then claiming it as a prize for guessing correctly). Deb protested that she didn’t want her super-powers to be known, because she was afraid of scientists cutting her brain open.
Truck ran to Gunther for help, explaining that he needed to get to the post office super-fast before it was too late. Gunther told him to ride his tiger Schatzi. (“Her backbone is strong, though her neck is weak.”) Torn between his earlier discussion with Sasha and the trust Gunther had placed in him, Truck tearfully rode off.
When Robbie mocked Sealman’s performance of “Stairway to Heaven,” Sealman retorted by insulting Robbie’s spandex-clad physique. (“I have a thyroid condition!”) Robbie began a monologue on the stressful life of a daredevil, and his constant attempts to live up to his father’s reputation through more and more dangerous stunts.
At the Food Lion, Gunther and Sasha faced off for their challenge. Gunther suggested that, rather than fight each other, they unite against a common enemy—the circus itself. Just then, Reggie rushed in to stop the fight, and they confronted him about their pay. Viktor and Deb came in to do some shopping, buying sirloin and arugala for Deb’s latest recipe. Reggie was shocked that they could afford it, and Viktor explained their new “Guess Your Wallet” game.
Sasha confessed to Gunther that she had urged Truck to kill Schatzi. Just then, Truck wandered by, staring in shock at his hands. Assuming the worst, Sasha offered to replace Schatzi by dressing in a cat costume and becoming part of his act. Suddenly, Sealman Rushdie rushed in and declared that he had solved the circus’ financial woes—he had raised $34,000 by pickpocketing all the special-needs kids.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Talking sea lion Sealman Rushdie were relaxing by the pool as the bearded lady Deb Henderson congratulated him on his performance. He explained that every time he plays the horns, he puts his sould into it, and a little bit of his soul drifts out into the troposphere. Worried that he might lose his soul entirely, Deb suggested that he quit and go back to the sea. When he replied that it wasn’t safe for him to return, she sympathized, explaining that she could no longer go back home to Chatsworth since she was part of a prostitution ring there. Sealman was impressed (and attracted) by the revelation of her dark side.
Daredevil Robbie “Bad Decisions” Kniesions was preparing to jump his bike over a dozen angry porcupines when circus owner Reggie Bunkler came by to discuss the budget. Robbie suggested an idea that could get them grant money: He would jump his bike over 8 buses full of special-needs kids, with the buses set on fire; his bike would then spray fire-extinguisher foam on them, and then the circus would be rewarded for saving the children. Reggie warned Robbie that the stunt was too dangerous for a man in Robbie’s condition—he’d had so many head injuries that his helmet was the only thing holding his brains in. Robbie angrily insisted that nobody would stop him.
Strongman Viktor Busliftor was holding up the big top as roadie Truck Tarkenton repaired the bolts. Viktor asked Truck for a favor…he needed Truck to mail a card to his mother in Russia. Viktor warned that if he doesn’t get the card in the mailbox today, the entire circus could die.
Animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm and trapeze artist Sasha were shopping in the Food Lion and arguing about their billing status. Tired of the bickering, Sasha decided they should have a final showdown to decide who is the better performer.
Robbie and Sealman were recruiting special kids for the stunt, when Robbie made a bigoted anti-sea-lion remark and a fight broke out. After the melee, Robbie explained that his father had died when he swerved his bike to avoid a seal, then crashed into a box of glass. Ever since then, he’s held a grudge against aquatic mammals…but he wants to change. Sealman accepted his apology…but when Robbie referred to the special kids as “tards,” Sealman started beating him up again.
Sasha was rehearsing on the trapeze when Truck swung by on a zip-line to work on the lights. Impressed by his skill, she told him about her challenge to Gunther. She could see two ways of outdoing Gunther’s act—either she and Truck could work out an incredible aerial act together, or Truck could kill Gunther’s star tiger cub Schatzi. (“I could just twist its neck like a pickle jar…a furry pickle jar that coughs up blood.”)
Reggie Bunkler called a meeting of the entire circus, informing them that their fairground permit had been revoked, and they would have to perform at an abandoned chemical storage plant. Sasha proposed that the circus could save money by firing everybody except her. A massive argument broke out among everybody, until Reggie pulled them all together with an inspirational speech.
Deb had baked some borscht pastries for Viktor, who was amazed by the taste of Russia. As they discussed the circus’ future, Viktor explained that he wasn’t worried about anything, as long as his mother gets her card. Just then, Truck ran by the thent in a panic. When Deb remarked on Truck’s speed, Viktor realized that she could see through the tent. He suggested that she use her X-ray vision to help the circus, by guessing the contents of the patrons’ wallets (then claiming it as a prize for guessing correctly). Deb protested that she didn’t want her super-powers to be known, because she was afraid of scientists cutting her brain open.
Truck ran to Gunther for help, explaining that he needed to get to the post office super-fast before it was too late. Gunther told him to ride his tiger Schatzi. (“Her backbone is strong, though her neck is weak.”) Torn between his earlier discussion with Sasha and the trust Gunther had placed in him, Truck tearfully rode off.
When Robbie mocked Sealman’s performance of “Stairway to Heaven,” Sealman retorted by insulting Robbie’s spandex-clad physique. (“I have a thyroid condition!”) Robbie began a monologue on the stressful life of a daredevil, and his constant attempts to live up to his father’s reputation through more and more dangerous stunts.
At the Food Lion, Gunther and Sasha faced off for their challenge. Gunther suggested that, rather than fight each other, they unite against a common enemy—the circus itself. Just then, Reggie rushed in to stop the fight, and they confronted him about their pay. Viktor and Deb came in to do some shopping, buying sirloin and arugala for Deb’s latest recipe. Reggie was shocked that they could afford it, and Viktor explained their new “Guess Your Wallet” game.
Sasha confessed to Gunther that she had urged Truck to kill Schatzi. Just then, Truck wandered by, staring in shock at his hands. Assuming the worst, Sasha offered to replace Schatzi by dressing in a cat costume and becoming part of his act. Suddenly, Sealman Rushdie rushed in and declared that he had solved the circus’ financial woes—he had raised $34,000 by pickpocketing all the special-needs kids.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Season 14, Episode 1: Here Comes the Circus
Episode 1: Here Comes the Circus
Reggie Bunkler, recent inheritor of the Bunkler Brothers Family Circus, was going over some paperwork in his office when Mr. Bibby the clown knocked on the door. Bibby revealed that he was in desperate need of new kidneys, and needed help from Bunkler because the circus doesn’t provide health insurance. Bunkler explained that he couldn’t afford to help him, because the circus was a half a million dollars in debt. Bibby responded with a sad note on his slide-whistle.
Sasha, the circus’ star acrobat/trapeze artist was stretching in her trailer when Russian strongman Viktor Busliftor knocked on the door. They engaged in a little flirtation, finally proposing a picnic with champagne and strawberries (“nature’s kidneys”).
In the tiger’s den, animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm had just finished delivering a new tiger cub, whom he named Schatzi. He informed the cub that it would be replacing its mother as the circus’ new attraction—sadly, he would soon have to put down the mother tiger to harvest a replacement kidney for Mr. Bibby. Just then, the bearded lady Deb Henderson arrived, complaining about Bibby’s return. (“He only comes around when he wants something!”) Gunther let her hold the newborn cub.
Stoolts the clown was preparing for his act, as Truck the roadie did some adjustments to his stool-stilts. Stoolts reminisced about his humble beginnings, explaining that when he was a child, his mother put him in a crate of cherry bombs, accidentally blowing off his legs. To replace his lost limbs, his father attached two stools to his stumps, and since then, he’s made himself an inspiration to legless kids everywhere.
Sealman Rushdie, the talking sea lion, was rehearsing his new act: a rousing rendition of “All Along the Watchtower.” Mr. Bibby arrived and informed Sealman that he needed a new kidney…and he was willing to resort to desperate measures. (“Sometimes it’s an eat-world-eat world. It’s an eye for an eat!”) Sealman and Bibby began fighting, with Sealman finally knocking the clown down.
Viktor and Sasha were walking the tightrope, as Viktor reflected that this was a bad idea after a champagne picnic. However, it was the only way he could work up the nerve to win her heart. Upset by his presumptiousness, Sasha declared that her heart was not for the taking.
Truck and Deb complimented each other on their facial hair.
Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm entered Bunkler’s trailer to inform him that he had harvested his tiger’s kidney for Mr. Bibby. Shocked, Bunkler exclaimed that he didn’t have to do that…he’d explained before that it was a 50/50 chance they’d need it. Tragically, with Gunther’s poor grasp of English, he had thought Bibby needed 50 kidneys, of which this would be the first. Despondent, Gunther sang a song about how much his tiger meant to him.
Sasha ran into Mr. Bibby and asked him about his condition. (“I have about 45-60 minutes left.”) She informed him that she had three kidneys, and that she would gladly give him one—if he could find it. Bibby searched her, and finally realized that the kidney was in her kiss. As they embraced, Viktor walked in.
Sealman and Stoolts were racing to get the last fish sandwich in the snack bar. Sealman easily beat Stoolts, but decided to share the sandwich because Stoolts was the only human who truly understood him.
Victor asked why Sasha had left him on the high wire, especially since he couldn’t turn around to see she had left. She apologized, explaining that she flees whenever things get intense. Interrupting, Bibby observed how muscular Viktor’s kidney area was. He challenged Viktor for his kidney, and they played tug-of-war by grabbing Sasha’s arms. In the end, Viktor released his grip, and Bibby mocked Viktor’s “weakness.”
Gunther came to see Truck, in need of his mechanical expertise. Gunther explained that he had removed his tiger’s kidney, and he needed a robotic replacement. After an extended period of confusion as to whether he needed a replacement kidney or a replacement tiger, Gunther pointed out that a kidney wouldn’t provide much of a show for the audience, so he needed an entire robotic tiger. When Truck pointed out that the weight of a robot tiger would surely crush him, Gunther contemplated some way of getting Viktor’s strength.
Stoolts went to visit Deb in her trailer.
DEB: “Guess what I made for you?”
STOOLTS: “A baby?”
She replied that, despite their night of passion, that wasn’t what she was talking about. Instead, she’d baked him a Coca-Cola cake. He declared it delicious, THEN took a bite. (“Yeah, I was right!”)
Sealman Rushdie came into Reggie Bunkler’s office to request vacation time for the upcoming mating season. Bunkler replied that, with the circus’ financial situation, the best he could do would be to give him upaid leave. Furious, Sealman accused Bunkler of discriminating against him because he’s an animal. (As if to prove the point, Viktor interrupted and asked for the rest of the week off, and Bunkler agreed.) Sealman threatened to quit, saying that he’d been working out some new moves to audition for Cirque du Soleil. Sealman then demonstrated his new act.
Viktor was standing on top of the circus train, contemplating his loss of the tug-of-war and considering suicide. He speculated that the Chernobyl radiation that had given him his strength was wearing off, and decided to go through airport security and get too many X-rays. Just then, Stoolts walked by to offer a sympathetic ear. After assuring Viktor that he was the strongest man both inside and out, Stoolts went on to explain that suicide was no solution: “I tried jumping off the train myself. It didn’t work…I was taller than it.”
Basking in the afterglow with Mr. Bibby, Sasha suddenly realized that Bibby had taken her third kidney during their passionate encounter. Furious, she accused him of using her, and he readily agreed. Now that he had what he wanted, it was time for him to move on. He left her his hat as a parting gift, and said that perhaps one day he’d return and fix this circus. Sasha angrily replied “This fircus is unsixable!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Reggie Bunkler, recent inheritor of the Bunkler Brothers Family Circus, was going over some paperwork in his office when Mr. Bibby the clown knocked on the door. Bibby revealed that he was in desperate need of new kidneys, and needed help from Bunkler because the circus doesn’t provide health insurance. Bunkler explained that he couldn’t afford to help him, because the circus was a half a million dollars in debt. Bibby responded with a sad note on his slide-whistle.
Sasha, the circus’ star acrobat/trapeze artist was stretching in her trailer when Russian strongman Viktor Busliftor knocked on the door. They engaged in a little flirtation, finally proposing a picnic with champagne and strawberries (“nature’s kidneys”).
In the tiger’s den, animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm had just finished delivering a new tiger cub, whom he named Schatzi. He informed the cub that it would be replacing its mother as the circus’ new attraction—sadly, he would soon have to put down the mother tiger to harvest a replacement kidney for Mr. Bibby. Just then, the bearded lady Deb Henderson arrived, complaining about Bibby’s return. (“He only comes around when he wants something!”) Gunther let her hold the newborn cub.
Stoolts the clown was preparing for his act, as Truck the roadie did some adjustments to his stool-stilts. Stoolts reminisced about his humble beginnings, explaining that when he was a child, his mother put him in a crate of cherry bombs, accidentally blowing off his legs. To replace his lost limbs, his father attached two stools to his stumps, and since then, he’s made himself an inspiration to legless kids everywhere.
Sealman Rushdie, the talking sea lion, was rehearsing his new act: a rousing rendition of “All Along the Watchtower.” Mr. Bibby arrived and informed Sealman that he needed a new kidney…and he was willing to resort to desperate measures. (“Sometimes it’s an eat-world-eat world. It’s an eye for an eat!”) Sealman and Bibby began fighting, with Sealman finally knocking the clown down.
Viktor and Sasha were walking the tightrope, as Viktor reflected that this was a bad idea after a champagne picnic. However, it was the only way he could work up the nerve to win her heart. Upset by his presumptiousness, Sasha declared that her heart was not for the taking.
Truck and Deb complimented each other on their facial hair.
Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm entered Bunkler’s trailer to inform him that he had harvested his tiger’s kidney for Mr. Bibby. Shocked, Bunkler exclaimed that he didn’t have to do that…he’d explained before that it was a 50/50 chance they’d need it. Tragically, with Gunther’s poor grasp of English, he had thought Bibby needed 50 kidneys, of which this would be the first. Despondent, Gunther sang a song about how much his tiger meant to him.
Sasha ran into Mr. Bibby and asked him about his condition. (“I have about 45-60 minutes left.”) She informed him that she had three kidneys, and that she would gladly give him one—if he could find it. Bibby searched her, and finally realized that the kidney was in her kiss. As they embraced, Viktor walked in.
Sealman and Stoolts were racing to get the last fish sandwich in the snack bar. Sealman easily beat Stoolts, but decided to share the sandwich because Stoolts was the only human who truly understood him.
Victor asked why Sasha had left him on the high wire, especially since he couldn’t turn around to see she had left. She apologized, explaining that she flees whenever things get intense. Interrupting, Bibby observed how muscular Viktor’s kidney area was. He challenged Viktor for his kidney, and they played tug-of-war by grabbing Sasha’s arms. In the end, Viktor released his grip, and Bibby mocked Viktor’s “weakness.”
Gunther came to see Truck, in need of his mechanical expertise. Gunther explained that he had removed his tiger’s kidney, and he needed a robotic replacement. After an extended period of confusion as to whether he needed a replacement kidney or a replacement tiger, Gunther pointed out that a kidney wouldn’t provide much of a show for the audience, so he needed an entire robotic tiger. When Truck pointed out that the weight of a robot tiger would surely crush him, Gunther contemplated some way of getting Viktor’s strength.
Stoolts went to visit Deb in her trailer.
DEB: “Guess what I made for you?”
STOOLTS: “A baby?”
She replied that, despite their night of passion, that wasn’t what she was talking about. Instead, she’d baked him a Coca-Cola cake. He declared it delicious, THEN took a bite. (“Yeah, I was right!”)
Sealman Rushdie came into Reggie Bunkler’s office to request vacation time for the upcoming mating season. Bunkler replied that, with the circus’ financial situation, the best he could do would be to give him upaid leave. Furious, Sealman accused Bunkler of discriminating against him because he’s an animal. (As if to prove the point, Viktor interrupted and asked for the rest of the week off, and Bunkler agreed.) Sealman threatened to quit, saying that he’d been working out some new moves to audition for Cirque du Soleil. Sealman then demonstrated his new act.
Viktor was standing on top of the circus train, contemplating his loss of the tug-of-war and considering suicide. He speculated that the Chernobyl radiation that had given him his strength was wearing off, and decided to go through airport security and get too many X-rays. Just then, Stoolts walked by to offer a sympathetic ear. After assuring Viktor that he was the strongest man both inside and out, Stoolts went on to explain that suicide was no solution: “I tried jumping off the train myself. It didn’t work…I was taller than it.”
Basking in the afterglow with Mr. Bibby, Sasha suddenly realized that Bibby had taken her third kidney during their passionate encounter. Furious, she accused him of using her, and he readily agreed. Now that he had what he wanted, it was time for him to move on. He left her his hat as a parting gift, and said that perhaps one day he’d return and fix this circus. Sasha angrily replied “This fircus is unsixable!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
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