And now, the final episode of the Miami season!
Episode 9: Everybody Dies
Mayoral candidates Dan Mandarino and Jim McMayonnaise met for a debate, with the Commodore moderating. Jim revealed that he was running for a sympathy vote, explaining that he not only had just a few months to live, but on top of that he was going blind. The only thing he wanted before his death was to be mayor. Dan started his rebuttal, but the Commodore declared that time was up as soon as Dan opened his mouth.
At a homeless mission, a bedraggled figure was trying to open a can of beans with his teeth when Sir John Holmes entered. Using his astounding powers of deduction, he calculated that this shabby vagabond was either the Captain (of The Captain & Tennille) or Angelo Lansbury. Angelo explained that, after he lost all his cocaine, the rest of his fortune went with it. Holmes warned Angelo that he still blamed him for introducing cocaine to England…and causing the death of Holmes’ son. Angelo pleaded for mercy, explaining that he knew who now had his cocaine. Reluctantly, Holmes and Angelo agreed to work together to track down Miami’s new druglord, Orville Furman.
Outgoing Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some last-minute paperwork, distraught over the recall election. She couldn’t believe that such an important race had been reduced to a dog-and-pony show with two football stars and other celebrities vying for attention. The Commodore entered to ask why she hadn’t entered the debate. She replied “What’s the point of debating morons?” The Commodore urged her not to give up, and she revealed that she wasn’t giving up her fight against evil…she was only giving up the mayor’s office so she wouldn’t be bound by legal restraints. Once she’s free from office, she can fight evil on her own terms, and live up to her middle name…Shula Ramberg Goldamayer.
The newly-wealthy Detective Orville Furman was compensating Simpson and Snatch for all their years of lousy pay, taking them shopping for new shoes. When they asked where he got all this money, he told them he “inherited” it. They decided to go out and get messed up. (Since Snatch was pregnant, Simpson agreed to get messed up enough for both of them.)
At Pepino’s, Dan was drowning his sorrows while Snatch was drinking near-beer. He asked her why she was siding with Jim McMayonnaise when she was carrying Dan’s child. She replied that Jim truly cared about her, whereas Dan just kept throwing footballs and daiquiris at her. She told Dan that she had good news and bad news.
DAN: “Gimme the bad news first, then gimme the good news twice.”
SNATCH: “Well, the good news and the bad news is really the same thing, so…Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me.”
DAN: “I think Jim McMayonnaise just signed his own death warrant.”
Jim McMayonnaise was filming a public service announcement with Angelo Lansbury to fight hunger (by feeding Angelo a Touchdown Honey Bun). Suddenly, a football flew through the air, narrowly missing Jim. Shrugging off the incident, Jim bragged that the election was in the bag…he had fixed the election by telling the Make-a-Wish Foundation that he was dying and going blind, and they were going to make his wish of being mayor come true. Angelo warned Jim that he’d made a big mistake by lying to the Make-a-Wish Foundation…if you tell them you’re dying, and you don’t die, they kill you anyway. Jim realized that his only hope of surviving was to develop a terminal illness. Suddenly, another football narrowly missed Jim.
Sir John Holmes and Officer Simpson were practicing at the firing range when Holmes tried to break the news that Detective Furman was engaged in illegal activities. She couldn’t believe what he was saying about her “soul-mate,” then offered to show off her marksmanship by shooting the corncob pipe out of Holmes’ mouth.
Detective Furman was in his new high-rise apartment when Shula smashed down the door. Furman once again tried to accuse Shula of being the real druglord (having planted more cocaine in her desk), but she wasn’t having any part of it. She pulled out her Throwing Star of David.
The Commodore went to say goodbye to Snatch, explaining that he’d been offered a position at Langley University, to work on the most advanced computer program in existence…the Altair Project, creating artificial intelligence in a clunky robot body. Snatch replied that it was probably for the best, since she was going to marry Jim McMayonnaise anyway. They would each find their own happiness, Snatch with Jim and the Commodore with his project.
Detective Furman was weighing out his cocaine in his high-rise when Angelo entered. As Furman gloated over taking over Angelo’s business, Angelo presented him with one of the “perks” of the business…a bill for all the cocaine Furman had stolen, along with moving expenses. When Furman protested, Angelo threatened to take him to The People’s Court.
Snatch was trying on bridal gowns (and admiring her ass in the mirror) when Poppi arrived, wearing a beautiful gown. He explained that he had returned to Miami to be her bridesmaid. He presented her with something old (his old Village People biker cap), something new (a Reese’s peanut butter cup), something borrowed (a condom he borrowed from a friend), and something blue (a picture of a guy he blew).
At Pepino’s, Jim McMayonnaise’s bachelor party was in full swing. The Commodore presented Jim with a program he’d written where a woman takes off her pixilated clothing…he called it “Leisure Suit Larry.” Sir John Holmes suggested that they employ the services of a lady of the evening. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim.
Dan Mandarino told Simpson about his plan to kill Jim McMayonnaise and then marry Snatch himself. He showed her the ring he’d gotten for Snatch, containing the densest diamond known to man (“It’s the God-Ring”). When Simpson asked what was in this plan for her, he replied that HE was in it for her.
Angelo Lansbury and Detective Furman went on The People’s Court, presided over by special guest judge Tony Danza. Furman argued that when Angelo gave him a kilo of cocaine as a gift back in the first episode, that meant that he was entitled to the rest of Angelo’s cocaine. Unimpressed, Tony Danza ruled in Angelo’s favor. Suddenly, Shula burst in, shirtless (but thankfully still wearing a bra), wearing a headband, and carrying a huge machine-gun. No longer was she Mayor Goldamayer…now, she was RAMBERG! Ramberg struck a blow for justice by shooting Detective Furman repeatedly. Tony Danza used his “Who’s the Boss” housekeeping skills to clean up the mess.
The wedding of Officer Snatch and Jim McMayonnaise was about to begin, with the Commodore conducting the service, Poppi as the bridesmaid, and Tony Danza as the best man. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim, but the ceremony continued. More footballs struck, this time actually hitting Jim. The Commodore spotted the assassin, Dan Mandarino. The Commodore took a football, but wrestled Dan to the ground. Despite having killed the groom, Dan asked Snatch to forgive him and marry him instead. Before she could reply, the mortally-injured Commodore threw one of Dan’s own footballs at him. With almost everybody else dead, Snatch asked Tony Danza to marry her.
Ramberg prepared to announce the results of the election, even though both candidates had just died. Opening the envelope, she was stunned to discover that the winner was a write-in candidate…Ramberg! Suddenly, the spirits of Detective Furman, Dan Mandarino, and Jim McMayonnaise appeared, swearing to haunt her. Luckily, being Jewish, she didn’t believe in them. The spirits departed, and Angelo Lansbury arrived. He explained that losing his fortune had made him see the error of his ways, and he wanted to atone for his past. He revealed that he had organized the write-in campaign that restored her to office. Suddenly, Sir John Holmes arrived, still seeking revenge for his son’s death. Angelo calmly walked up to Holmes, explaining his new program of forgiveness, which he called “Hugs, Not Drugs.” Angelo hugged Holmes, who dropped his billy club and broke down crying.
POPPI: “This is the Miami I’ve come to know and love!”
THE END
Showing posts with label commodore. Show all posts
Showing posts with label commodore. Show all posts
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Season 7, Episode 8: Misery and Company
Episode 8: Misery and Company
Shula Goldamayer was holding Angelo Lansbury captive in a remote mountain cabin, as revenge for his shooting her foot off. (She now had a prosthetic leg.) Angelo apologized, but Shula said that wasn’t enough…she demanded that he shoot himself to make up for it.
In his office, Orville Furman delivered a Shakespearean soliloquy on the loss of his cocaine. Walking past, Sir John Holmes overheard the monologue and entered, suggesting that Furman pursue a career in the theatre. Furman introduced himself, though he couldn’t remember whether he was Chief, Captain, or Detective. Suddenly, Holmes’ keen deductive senses kicked into high gear. Finding a pop-top on the floor, Holmes and Furman set out on a mission to find the litterbug.
Dan Mandarino and the pregnant Officer Snatch were sharing some quality time in Snatch’s apartment, when they were interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Snatch’s old flame and Dan’s longtime rival, Jim McMayonnaise.
The Commodore was in the office at Pepino’s, working at the computer, when Officer Simpson returned to the scene of her kidnapping. The Commodore explained that he was writing a program to set things in motion, and asked Simpson what she had done with the futuristic 3¼ inch diskette he had given her. She couldn’t remember, but thought she might have put it with her cassette tapes.
Jim McMayonnaise revealed that he had been traded to Miami, and was going to replace Dan as the superstar player. Jim and Dan one-upped each other’s career highlights.
Having followed Shula’s demand by shooting himself in the hand, Angelo Lansbury pleaded for his life. She made him beg in a baby voice, which suddenly awoke her womanly instincts. Shula took Angelo in her arms.
Furman and Holmes were on the trail of the litterbug when Furman recognized the footprints as belonging to the supplier of his “sinus medicine.” Holmes realized that Furman was talking about Angelo Robespierre Lansbury, and Furman was amazed that Holmes had been able to learn Angelo’s middle name. Holmes explained that only a few short years ago, England was completely cocaine-free, until Angelo flooded the market with his product, causing the decline of the British Empire.
As Shula Goldamayer was sleeping in the afterglow, Angelo picked up the phone and called for a car to pick him up. He hurriedly hung up as Shula woke up and offered him latkes. She informed Angelo that the sex changed nothing between them, and that she was still going to take as much revenge as she could within the confines of the law. (“I can’t kill you, but I can ask you to shoot yourself.”) Angelo threatened to use his money and influence to replace her as mayor, and she in turn threatened to burn his cocaine fields. Angelo cut the strap to her prosthetic leg and made his getaway.
After returning to his office, Angelo checked his inventory and discovered that all of his cocaine was gone. He called the warehouse and spoke to his foreman, Reynaldo. In the course of several hours of explanation and pleading, Reynaldo revealed that somebody had come in and taken all the cocaine. Angelo told Reynaldo not to worry, and reassured him that somebody would come around to kill him shortly.
Simpson broke into Buster Banks’ abandoned porn studio, thrilling in the smell of sex. She set up Buster’s camera and got onto the couch, filming her own “big scene” as she sang a ballad about her troubles. Hearing the disturbance, Snatch burst into the studio. They argued about Snatch’s affair with the Commodore, and Simpson shot Snatch in the foot again. (If it weren’t for her full-body armor and bulletproof pantyhose, Snatch would be in really bad shape.)
Dan Mandarino called Angelo’s office, but the receptionist refused to take his call. Shula Goldamayer burst in, and Dan explained that nobody would give him the time of day since Jim McMayonnaise replaced him as Miami’s football hero. Shula tried to rouse Jim’s confidence by reciting a Styx song. Dan came up with a plan to destroy Jim by elevating him to the mayor’s office, then bringing him down. But to do that, he’d need to get rid of the current mayor. He shoved a gag in Shula’s mouth.
Sir John Holmes led Detective Furman to the cabin where Angelo had been held captive, only to discover the Commodore already there. Holmes fulfilled his promise from last week by giving the Commodore the key to the UNIX operating system. Furman changed the subject by revealing that he had used his authority to raid Angelo’s warehouse and load the entire supply of cocaine into a U-Haul. Holmes asked Furman why he had gone through that whole withdrawal ordeal when he had a U-Haul full of coke.
Dan Mandarino was putting up campaign posters when Jim McMayonnaise came by. Jim informed Dan that he had the sex tape of Dan’s affair with Poppi, and threatened to make the tape public unless Dan left town and transferred to the Detroit Lions.
Angelo was putting up “Lost Cocaine” posters when Detective Furman walked by, rubbing Angelo’s nose in his loss before walking on.
Simpson and Snatch had worked out their problems and come to an arrangement regarding the Commodore and Snatch’s babies. When the Commodore arrived, they asked him to join them in a three-way marriage. The Commodore then revealed his own plan. Since Snatch was carrying twins, one fathered by the Commodore and one by Dan Mandarino, the Commodore had devised a method to combine the twins into a single baby. (“Think of it! A baby that is as smart as a nerd, but with the social skills of a quarterback! A superbaby that can survive high school!”)
Out on the streets, Angelo was looking for his lost cocaine when Jim McMayonnaise arrived. Jim repeated some advice that Mike Ditka had given him: “When in doubt, take down everybody around you.” Jim explained that he would use Dan’s sex tape (“Road House of Ass”) to ruin Dan’s career, use the momentum to run Jim for mayor, then legalize cocaine and appoint Angelo the Secretary of Cocaine and the Interior. Jim revealed that he had already set his plan in motion, then turned on a TV to show that the sex tape was being played on every news program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Shula Goldamayer was holding Angelo Lansbury captive in a remote mountain cabin, as revenge for his shooting her foot off. (She now had a prosthetic leg.) Angelo apologized, but Shula said that wasn’t enough…she demanded that he shoot himself to make up for it.
In his office, Orville Furman delivered a Shakespearean soliloquy on the loss of his cocaine. Walking past, Sir John Holmes overheard the monologue and entered, suggesting that Furman pursue a career in the theatre. Furman introduced himself, though he couldn’t remember whether he was Chief, Captain, or Detective. Suddenly, Holmes’ keen deductive senses kicked into high gear. Finding a pop-top on the floor, Holmes and Furman set out on a mission to find the litterbug.
Dan Mandarino and the pregnant Officer Snatch were sharing some quality time in Snatch’s apartment, when they were interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Snatch’s old flame and Dan’s longtime rival, Jim McMayonnaise.
The Commodore was in the office at Pepino’s, working at the computer, when Officer Simpson returned to the scene of her kidnapping. The Commodore explained that he was writing a program to set things in motion, and asked Simpson what she had done with the futuristic 3¼ inch diskette he had given her. She couldn’t remember, but thought she might have put it with her cassette tapes.
Jim McMayonnaise revealed that he had been traded to Miami, and was going to replace Dan as the superstar player. Jim and Dan one-upped each other’s career highlights.
Having followed Shula’s demand by shooting himself in the hand, Angelo Lansbury pleaded for his life. She made him beg in a baby voice, which suddenly awoke her womanly instincts. Shula took Angelo in her arms.
Furman and Holmes were on the trail of the litterbug when Furman recognized the footprints as belonging to the supplier of his “sinus medicine.” Holmes realized that Furman was talking about Angelo Robespierre Lansbury, and Furman was amazed that Holmes had been able to learn Angelo’s middle name. Holmes explained that only a few short years ago, England was completely cocaine-free, until Angelo flooded the market with his product, causing the decline of the British Empire.
As Shula Goldamayer was sleeping in the afterglow, Angelo picked up the phone and called for a car to pick him up. He hurriedly hung up as Shula woke up and offered him latkes. She informed Angelo that the sex changed nothing between them, and that she was still going to take as much revenge as she could within the confines of the law. (“I can’t kill you, but I can ask you to shoot yourself.”) Angelo threatened to use his money and influence to replace her as mayor, and she in turn threatened to burn his cocaine fields. Angelo cut the strap to her prosthetic leg and made his getaway.
After returning to his office, Angelo checked his inventory and discovered that all of his cocaine was gone. He called the warehouse and spoke to his foreman, Reynaldo. In the course of several hours of explanation and pleading, Reynaldo revealed that somebody had come in and taken all the cocaine. Angelo told Reynaldo not to worry, and reassured him that somebody would come around to kill him shortly.
Simpson broke into Buster Banks’ abandoned porn studio, thrilling in the smell of sex. She set up Buster’s camera and got onto the couch, filming her own “big scene” as she sang a ballad about her troubles. Hearing the disturbance, Snatch burst into the studio. They argued about Snatch’s affair with the Commodore, and Simpson shot Snatch in the foot again. (If it weren’t for her full-body armor and bulletproof pantyhose, Snatch would be in really bad shape.)
Dan Mandarino called Angelo’s office, but the receptionist refused to take his call. Shula Goldamayer burst in, and Dan explained that nobody would give him the time of day since Jim McMayonnaise replaced him as Miami’s football hero. Shula tried to rouse Jim’s confidence by reciting a Styx song. Dan came up with a plan to destroy Jim by elevating him to the mayor’s office, then bringing him down. But to do that, he’d need to get rid of the current mayor. He shoved a gag in Shula’s mouth.
Sir John Holmes led Detective Furman to the cabin where Angelo had been held captive, only to discover the Commodore already there. Holmes fulfilled his promise from last week by giving the Commodore the key to the UNIX operating system. Furman changed the subject by revealing that he had used his authority to raid Angelo’s warehouse and load the entire supply of cocaine into a U-Haul. Holmes asked Furman why he had gone through that whole withdrawal ordeal when he had a U-Haul full of coke.
Dan Mandarino was putting up campaign posters when Jim McMayonnaise came by. Jim informed Dan that he had the sex tape of Dan’s affair with Poppi, and threatened to make the tape public unless Dan left town and transferred to the Detroit Lions.
Angelo was putting up “Lost Cocaine” posters when Detective Furman walked by, rubbing Angelo’s nose in his loss before walking on.
Simpson and Snatch had worked out their problems and come to an arrangement regarding the Commodore and Snatch’s babies. When the Commodore arrived, they asked him to join them in a three-way marriage. The Commodore then revealed his own plan. Since Snatch was carrying twins, one fathered by the Commodore and one by Dan Mandarino, the Commodore had devised a method to combine the twins into a single baby. (“Think of it! A baby that is as smart as a nerd, but with the social skills of a quarterback! A superbaby that can survive high school!”)
Out on the streets, Angelo was looking for his lost cocaine when Jim McMayonnaise arrived. Jim repeated some advice that Mike Ditka had given him: “When in doubt, take down everybody around you.” Jim explained that he would use Dan’s sex tape (“Road House of Ass”) to ruin Dan’s career, use the momentum to run Jim for mayor, then legalize cocaine and appoint Angelo the Secretary of Cocaine and the Interior. Jim revealed that he had already set his plan in motion, then turned on a TV to show that the sex tape was being played on every news program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Season 7, Episode 7: The Foot-Shooting Party
Episode 7: The Foot-Shooting Party
Snatch informed the Commodore that she was carrying his child. The Commodore was confused, since only a couple of weeks ago it was Simpson who thought she was pregnant with his baby, but she turned out to be mistaken. Snatch assured him that there was no mistake this time…she was going to have twins; one fathered by the Commodore, the other by Dan Mandarino.
In the back room of Pepino’s, Snatch’s renegade sister Patch had Simpson tied up. Patch had taken Simpson’s clothes and hair in order to impersonate her. By disguising herself as Simpson, Patch would worm her way into Snatch’s life and take her revenge.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some paperwork in her office when she was visited by Sir John Holmes, a detective from Scotland Yard who had transferred to Miami as part of an exchange program. Shula knew Holmes by reputation (“You have the biggest billy club in England!”), and eagerly welcomed him. She told him that she needed his help against Angelo Lansbury.
On the docks, Angelo Lansbury (during contractual negotiations, the part of Angelo Lansbury will be played by Tom Wopat) was selling cocaine when Detective Orville Furman rowed by. Furman angrily explained that he had spent two weeks in rehab, only to return and find himself demoted to Private First Ass. (“When I get my hands on Shula Goldamayer, I’m gonna twist her a new tit!”) Angelo offered to help Furman get revenge and take over the mayor’s office himself. Angelo immediately realized that having Furman as mayor would be a bad idea, then offered to just get Furman’s old job back.
Snatch was on patrol with Patch (disguised as Simpson). Snatch said that, now that she was pregnant, she wanted to be responsible and do some REAL police work. (“Let’s go on a crime spree, but, like, the opposite.”) Patch/Simpson told Snatch about a very dangerous criminal who had arrived in town…years ago, Snatch had a twin sister from whom she was separated at birth. That sister grew up in a life of crime, killing her first man at age three, and became a mistress of disguise. Amazed by this news, Snatch was eager to track down her evil sister. Patch told her she didn’t have to look very far…then took off her Simpson wig.
Sir John Holmes paid a visit to the Commodore to commission some special weapons against crime, such as those provided by Scotland Yard’s “Q.” (“I want an Aston-Martin, a pen that can kill a man from 300 yards, spectacles that can see through a woman’s clothing, and a shoe. Just a shoe, that’s all.”) In return, Holmes would provide the Commodore with the secrets of the UNIX computer system.
Private First Ass Furman came to his old office and found Shula waiting for him. He insisted that he was cured of his drug habit, and she tested him by pulling some cocaine out of his desk drawer and pouring it in his in-box. He accused her of planting the drugs in his desk, and in turn, she accused him of leaving the cocaine just so he could accuse HER of planting it. They both got so confused, neither one could remember whose cocaine it was. (“You see how ridiculous this is going to sound in court!”)
At Pepino’s, the bound and scalped Simpson sang a song about her plight.
The Commodore showed Sir John Holmes his new weapon…a “pen” the size and shape of a rocket launcher. As promised, Holmes gave the Commodore an advanced microchip. Holmes then demonstrated his deductive skills by explaining the ridiculously elaborate process by which he had figured out the Commodore’s real name, Gerald Jameson.
Furman and Angelo Lansbury had placed Shula Goldamayer in a jail cell. Shula protested this unauthorized incarceration (“What are you going to do, arrest me for cocaine?”), then uncrossed her legs Sharon Stone-style. Furman demanded the return of his old job and his cocaine habit. When Shula refused, Angelo shot her foot off. Shocked, Furman pulled out his own gun and leveled it at Angelo, starting a Mexican stand-off.
Sir John entered Pepino’s just as Simpson crawled up from the basement. After Holmes freed her, she asked him to come with her as back-up to rescue Snatch.
On the pier, Snatch and Patch were in their own Mexican stand-off, when they decided to put their guns away and just talk out their problems. Patch explained that she and Snatch were twins fathered by two different men, just like the babies Snatch was now carrying. Patch said that those babies were the only reason she didn’t kill Snatch right away. (“One of them is mine! I don’t mean I’m the father, I mean I’m taking one!”)
To track down Patch, Holmes and Simpson enlisted the assistance of sketch artist Lebbie Gibson. Holmes observed that Lebbie reminded him a lot of his own country’s Samantha Fox. While describing her kidnapper, Simpson remembered that one of Patch’s eyes wasn’t real. Hearing Simpson’s description, Holmes realized that Patch fit the description of his own arch-nemesis, Lady Chandelier Moriarty.
The stand-off between Angelo and Furman continued. Angelo sneezed, causing him to accidentally shoot Furman in the arm. Taking advantage of this twist of fate, Angelo picked up Furman’s fallen gun. Suddenly, the Commodore rushed in, looking for a shoe. Everybody tried to explain their side of the story, but the Commodore accepted Angelo’s version, since Angelo was the one pointing a gun at him.
Patch continued telling her life story to Snatch, including the time she became a master spy in England, when Sir John Holmes and Simpson rushed in to the rescue. In the struggle, Patch shot Snatch in the butt. Simpson retaliated by shooting Patch, while Holmes saved Snatch by performing mouth-to-ass resuscitation. Suddenly, the Commodore arrived. (“Sorry, I was totally at the wrong Mexican stand-off!”) Sir John declared that Snatch and both of her babies were all right. Because the Commodore had come to her rescue and Dan wasn’t even there, Snatch decided to keep the Commodore’s baby and give Dan’s to Patch. After hearing that Snatch had slept with the Commodore, the jealous Simpson shot off Snatch’s foot. Patch grabbed Sir John’s billy club and kneecapped Simpson. The only ones left standing, Sir John Holmes and Patch/Lady Chandelier Moriarty faced off for a final showdown. Although Patch had the drop on Holmes, Holmes seized the advantage by exposing himself. While she was awestruck, Holmes grabbed the Commodore’s “pen” and took Patch down.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Snatch informed the Commodore that she was carrying his child. The Commodore was confused, since only a couple of weeks ago it was Simpson who thought she was pregnant with his baby, but she turned out to be mistaken. Snatch assured him that there was no mistake this time…she was going to have twins; one fathered by the Commodore, the other by Dan Mandarino.
In the back room of Pepino’s, Snatch’s renegade sister Patch had Simpson tied up. Patch had taken Simpson’s clothes and hair in order to impersonate her. By disguising herself as Simpson, Patch would worm her way into Snatch’s life and take her revenge.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some paperwork in her office when she was visited by Sir John Holmes, a detective from Scotland Yard who had transferred to Miami as part of an exchange program. Shula knew Holmes by reputation (“You have the biggest billy club in England!”), and eagerly welcomed him. She told him that she needed his help against Angelo Lansbury.
On the docks, Angelo Lansbury (during contractual negotiations, the part of Angelo Lansbury will be played by Tom Wopat) was selling cocaine when Detective Orville Furman rowed by. Furman angrily explained that he had spent two weeks in rehab, only to return and find himself demoted to Private First Ass. (“When I get my hands on Shula Goldamayer, I’m gonna twist her a new tit!”) Angelo offered to help Furman get revenge and take over the mayor’s office himself. Angelo immediately realized that having Furman as mayor would be a bad idea, then offered to just get Furman’s old job back.
Snatch was on patrol with Patch (disguised as Simpson). Snatch said that, now that she was pregnant, she wanted to be responsible and do some REAL police work. (“Let’s go on a crime spree, but, like, the opposite.”) Patch/Simpson told Snatch about a very dangerous criminal who had arrived in town…years ago, Snatch had a twin sister from whom she was separated at birth. That sister grew up in a life of crime, killing her first man at age three, and became a mistress of disguise. Amazed by this news, Snatch was eager to track down her evil sister. Patch told her she didn’t have to look very far…then took off her Simpson wig.
Sir John Holmes paid a visit to the Commodore to commission some special weapons against crime, such as those provided by Scotland Yard’s “Q.” (“I want an Aston-Martin, a pen that can kill a man from 300 yards, spectacles that can see through a woman’s clothing, and a shoe. Just a shoe, that’s all.”) In return, Holmes would provide the Commodore with the secrets of the UNIX computer system.
Private First Ass Furman came to his old office and found Shula waiting for him. He insisted that he was cured of his drug habit, and she tested him by pulling some cocaine out of his desk drawer and pouring it in his in-box. He accused her of planting the drugs in his desk, and in turn, she accused him of leaving the cocaine just so he could accuse HER of planting it. They both got so confused, neither one could remember whose cocaine it was. (“You see how ridiculous this is going to sound in court!”)
At Pepino’s, the bound and scalped Simpson sang a song about her plight.
The Commodore showed Sir John Holmes his new weapon…a “pen” the size and shape of a rocket launcher. As promised, Holmes gave the Commodore an advanced microchip. Holmes then demonstrated his deductive skills by explaining the ridiculously elaborate process by which he had figured out the Commodore’s real name, Gerald Jameson.
Furman and Angelo Lansbury had placed Shula Goldamayer in a jail cell. Shula protested this unauthorized incarceration (“What are you going to do, arrest me for cocaine?”), then uncrossed her legs Sharon Stone-style. Furman demanded the return of his old job and his cocaine habit. When Shula refused, Angelo shot her foot off. Shocked, Furman pulled out his own gun and leveled it at Angelo, starting a Mexican stand-off.
Sir John entered Pepino’s just as Simpson crawled up from the basement. After Holmes freed her, she asked him to come with her as back-up to rescue Snatch.
On the pier, Snatch and Patch were in their own Mexican stand-off, when they decided to put their guns away and just talk out their problems. Patch explained that she and Snatch were twins fathered by two different men, just like the babies Snatch was now carrying. Patch said that those babies were the only reason she didn’t kill Snatch right away. (“One of them is mine! I don’t mean I’m the father, I mean I’m taking one!”)
To track down Patch, Holmes and Simpson enlisted the assistance of sketch artist Lebbie Gibson. Holmes observed that Lebbie reminded him a lot of his own country’s Samantha Fox. While describing her kidnapper, Simpson remembered that one of Patch’s eyes wasn’t real. Hearing Simpson’s description, Holmes realized that Patch fit the description of his own arch-nemesis, Lady Chandelier Moriarty.
The stand-off between Angelo and Furman continued. Angelo sneezed, causing him to accidentally shoot Furman in the arm. Taking advantage of this twist of fate, Angelo picked up Furman’s fallen gun. Suddenly, the Commodore rushed in, looking for a shoe. Everybody tried to explain their side of the story, but the Commodore accepted Angelo’s version, since Angelo was the one pointing a gun at him.
Patch continued telling her life story to Snatch, including the time she became a master spy in England, when Sir John Holmes and Simpson rushed in to the rescue. In the struggle, Patch shot Snatch in the butt. Simpson retaliated by shooting Patch, while Holmes saved Snatch by performing mouth-to-ass resuscitation. Suddenly, the Commodore arrived. (“Sorry, I was totally at the wrong Mexican stand-off!”) Sir John declared that Snatch and both of her babies were all right. Because the Commodore had come to her rescue and Dan wasn’t even there, Snatch decided to keep the Commodore’s baby and give Dan’s to Patch. After hearing that Snatch had slept with the Commodore, the jealous Simpson shot off Snatch’s foot. Patch grabbed Sir John’s billy club and kneecapped Simpson. The only ones left standing, Sir John Holmes and Patch/Lady Chandelier Moriarty faced off for a final showdown. Although Patch had the drop on Holmes, Holmes seized the advantage by exposing himself. While she was awestruck, Holmes grabbed the Commodore’s “pen” and took Patch down.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Season 7, Episode 5: Everybody Dies
Episode 5: Everybody Dies
Officer Simpson was grilling the Commodore about the murder of Mary Lou Retton. She brought in a line-up of suspects (Dan Mandarino, Officer Snatch, Buster Banks, Angelo Lansbury, and a random guy), asking the Commodore to point out the person he saw standing over Mary Lou’s body. She confessed that she believed the Commodore himself did it, but she was willing to frame whoever he picked out. Seeing a chance for revenge, the Commodore identified Dan Mandarino as the killer. They pulled Dan out of the line-up and confiscated his football. Simpson revealed the reason for her action: she’s pregnant with the Commodore’s child.
Angelo Lansbury was trying to handle his business affairs when Rodriguez Philbin entered. Rodriguez revealed that he was Angelo’s son, whom Angelo had tried to have killed by a “baby hitman.” Angelo told Rodriguez that he was at death’s door due to having his liver ejected from his body. Rodriguez immediately went from vengeful to sympathetic, and offered to kill everybody in town to find a match for his liver.
Buster Banks was in his editing room when his lost love, Dixie Greenflag, entered. She revealed that, since fleeing town after shooting Angelo, she had found religion and was putting her life as a porn star behind her. (“The only threesome I’m interested in now is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.”) She asked Buster to join her in her new life.
Dan Mandarino was working as a celebrity bartender at Coconutz, despondent without his football. (Even his career highlights were dull now.) Shula Goldamayer entered and congratulated him for blowing out Angelo’s liver. She offered him a chance to fight more crime by joining the police force. She admitted that they had a lot in common…she used to play football as well, though she played street football because she was too hardcore for the NFL. Dan suddenly recognized her as his idol, “The Shulanator.”
In Simpson & Snatch’s apartment, Simpson told Snatch that she believed she was pregnant. Snatch wanted to have a baby herself so that they could share the experience together, even though Simpson had two weeks’ headstart.
SIMPSON: “Maybe you could have your baby prematurely.”
SNATCH: “Well, I do smoke a lot.”
When Simpson revealed that the father was the Commodore, Snatch was appalled. Snatch explained how the Commodore had threatened her mother. They were both so emotionally conflicted that they decided to go out and get drunk.
The Commodore and Buster Banks were hanging out at the arcade. Buster noticed that the Commodore had Dan’s football…which was only the first part of the Commodore’s plan to get revenge on Dan. Buster suggested that they combine that with his own plan to get revenge on Rodriguez Philbin for killing Mary Lou Retton. Struck by a sudden inspiration, Buster asked the Commodore to take over Mary Lou’s role in his movie.
Angelo was in the hospital for his daily blood-cleansing when Dixie Greenflag entered. Despite their having tried to kill each other, their strange circumstances brought them to a kind of truce. Now that he’s at death’s door, Angelo asked Dixie to forgive him for getting her into porn. She asked him to repent for all his misdeeds, not just his crimes against her. He agreed, and promised not to stand in the way of her marriage with Buster.
Officer Snatch was buying donuts at a convenience store when Rodriguez Philbin entered and introduced himself. Snatch reminded him that she had arrested him last week, and tried to do so again. When Rodriguez threatened to take her liver, Snatch told him that she knew an even better match…somebody she needed to get rid of anyway. If Rodriguez would eliminate her enemy, she would provide him with a victim…Dixie Greenflag.
Shula Goldamayer was going over some new legislation when Angelo staggered in, asking her help in moving him up the list to get a new liver. Shula pointed out that she had predicted that his life of crime would lead to something like this. When he said that he regretted his evil ways, Shula opened her desk drawer and presented him with the perfect type B-Positive liver…Mary Lou Retton’s.
The Commodore went to see Simpson, ready to take responsibility as a father. She revealed that she wasn’t pregnant after all, then pulled her gun on him for threatening Snatch’s mother. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, and ordered him to go. Before he left, he gave her a gift of “the future”…a computer diskette.
At Amateur Night at Coconutz, Dixie Greenflag was singing a rockin’ song about finding religion. At the end of her song, Rodriguez Philbin came on stage and complimented her on her performance. (“I find you very attractive. Therefore, I must kill you in front of this amateur night audience.”) After strangling her, Rodriguez took a bow and announced, “I’ll be here all week.”
Buster Banks was filming Dan Mandarino in a commercial for Tiger Malt Liquor. In the course of their conversation, Buster mentioned the sex tape he had of Dan and Poppi. Dan said he would do anything to get that tape back.
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch investigated the crime scene. Snatch recognized Dixie as the star of her favorite porn film, “Guess Who’s Coming at Dinner?” Simpson figured that the murder was the work of Rodriguez Philbin, but Snatch made up an alibi for him, claiming he was having sex with her at the time. Simpson was appalled that Snatch might be pregnant, now that Simpson knew that she herself wasn’t. Snatch asked Simpson to be the father figure for her baby.
Rodriguez Philbin was cooking Beanie Weenies at Buster’s place, then hid when Buster arrived. Buster found a newspaper headline announcing Dixie’s murder. Before he had time to grieve, he heard the tell-tale flatulence and discovered Rodriguez. Buster grabbed his gun.
RODRIGUEZ: “You can shoot me, Buster Banks…but know that you’d be shooting your own brother!”
BUSTER: “I’ll investigate that plot point later!”
With that, Buster shot Rodriguez.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Officer Simpson was grilling the Commodore about the murder of Mary Lou Retton. She brought in a line-up of suspects (Dan Mandarino, Officer Snatch, Buster Banks, Angelo Lansbury, and a random guy), asking the Commodore to point out the person he saw standing over Mary Lou’s body. She confessed that she believed the Commodore himself did it, but she was willing to frame whoever he picked out. Seeing a chance for revenge, the Commodore identified Dan Mandarino as the killer. They pulled Dan out of the line-up and confiscated his football. Simpson revealed the reason for her action: she’s pregnant with the Commodore’s child.
Angelo Lansbury was trying to handle his business affairs when Rodriguez Philbin entered. Rodriguez revealed that he was Angelo’s son, whom Angelo had tried to have killed by a “baby hitman.” Angelo told Rodriguez that he was at death’s door due to having his liver ejected from his body. Rodriguez immediately went from vengeful to sympathetic, and offered to kill everybody in town to find a match for his liver.
Buster Banks was in his editing room when his lost love, Dixie Greenflag, entered. She revealed that, since fleeing town after shooting Angelo, she had found religion and was putting her life as a porn star behind her. (“The only threesome I’m interested in now is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.”) She asked Buster to join her in her new life.
Dan Mandarino was working as a celebrity bartender at Coconutz, despondent without his football. (Even his career highlights were dull now.) Shula Goldamayer entered and congratulated him for blowing out Angelo’s liver. She offered him a chance to fight more crime by joining the police force. She admitted that they had a lot in common…she used to play football as well, though she played street football because she was too hardcore for the NFL. Dan suddenly recognized her as his idol, “The Shulanator.”
In Simpson & Snatch’s apartment, Simpson told Snatch that she believed she was pregnant. Snatch wanted to have a baby herself so that they could share the experience together, even though Simpson had two weeks’ headstart.
SIMPSON: “Maybe you could have your baby prematurely.”
SNATCH: “Well, I do smoke a lot.”
When Simpson revealed that the father was the Commodore, Snatch was appalled. Snatch explained how the Commodore had threatened her mother. They were both so emotionally conflicted that they decided to go out and get drunk.
The Commodore and Buster Banks were hanging out at the arcade. Buster noticed that the Commodore had Dan’s football…which was only the first part of the Commodore’s plan to get revenge on Dan. Buster suggested that they combine that with his own plan to get revenge on Rodriguez Philbin for killing Mary Lou Retton. Struck by a sudden inspiration, Buster asked the Commodore to take over Mary Lou’s role in his movie.
Angelo was in the hospital for his daily blood-cleansing when Dixie Greenflag entered. Despite their having tried to kill each other, their strange circumstances brought them to a kind of truce. Now that he’s at death’s door, Angelo asked Dixie to forgive him for getting her into porn. She asked him to repent for all his misdeeds, not just his crimes against her. He agreed, and promised not to stand in the way of her marriage with Buster.
Officer Snatch was buying donuts at a convenience store when Rodriguez Philbin entered and introduced himself. Snatch reminded him that she had arrested him last week, and tried to do so again. When Rodriguez threatened to take her liver, Snatch told him that she knew an even better match…somebody she needed to get rid of anyway. If Rodriguez would eliminate her enemy, she would provide him with a victim…Dixie Greenflag.
Shula Goldamayer was going over some new legislation when Angelo staggered in, asking her help in moving him up the list to get a new liver. Shula pointed out that she had predicted that his life of crime would lead to something like this. When he said that he regretted his evil ways, Shula opened her desk drawer and presented him with the perfect type B-Positive liver…Mary Lou Retton’s.
The Commodore went to see Simpson, ready to take responsibility as a father. She revealed that she wasn’t pregnant after all, then pulled her gun on him for threatening Snatch’s mother. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, and ordered him to go. Before he left, he gave her a gift of “the future”…a computer diskette.
At Amateur Night at Coconutz, Dixie Greenflag was singing a rockin’ song about finding religion. At the end of her song, Rodriguez Philbin came on stage and complimented her on her performance. (“I find you very attractive. Therefore, I must kill you in front of this amateur night audience.”) After strangling her, Rodriguez took a bow and announced, “I’ll be here all week.”
Buster Banks was filming Dan Mandarino in a commercial for Tiger Malt Liquor. In the course of their conversation, Buster mentioned the sex tape he had of Dan and Poppi. Dan said he would do anything to get that tape back.
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch investigated the crime scene. Snatch recognized Dixie as the star of her favorite porn film, “Guess Who’s Coming at Dinner?” Simpson figured that the murder was the work of Rodriguez Philbin, but Snatch made up an alibi for him, claiming he was having sex with her at the time. Simpson was appalled that Snatch might be pregnant, now that Simpson knew that she herself wasn’t. Snatch asked Simpson to be the father figure for her baby.
Rodriguez Philbin was cooking Beanie Weenies at Buster’s place, then hid when Buster arrived. Buster found a newspaper headline announcing Dixie’s murder. Before he had time to grieve, he heard the tell-tale flatulence and discovered Rodriguez. Buster grabbed his gun.
RODRIGUEZ: “You can shoot me, Buster Banks…but know that you’d be shooting your own brother!”
BUSTER: “I’ll investigate that plot point later!”
With that, Buster shot Rodriguez.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Season 7, Episode 4: A Gold Medal in Murder
Episode 4: A Gold Medal in Murder
Buster Banks and Poppi were making cold calls to raise funds for Buster’s movie. When they called on a Mr. Francoise, Poppi started negotiating in French, getting Mr. Francoise to commit $250,000. When Francoise asked “Who do I make the check out to?”, they thought he was saying something about Gerard Depardieu, so they agreed to cast him.
Shula Goldamayer used her menorah to hypnotize Officer Snatch and find out her true feelings about Dan Mandarino.
SNATCH: “Dan Mandarino, he’s really hot…he really likes me…a lot.”
SHULA: “You rhymed! That means it’s true love!”
Angelo Lansbury was on the pier, pitching his cocaine to passersby, when a mysterious stranger walked by. The man introduced himself as Rodriguez Philbin, explaining that he had just come to America from Cuba to avenge his father’s murder. Angelo welcomed Rodriguez to America by giving him a bag of cocaine.
Officer Simpson was fixing breakfast for the Commodore after their night of passion. The Commodore confessed that he wasn’t comfortable with human contact, but Simpson replied that he didn’t seem to uncomfortable last night. She took off the Commodore’s glasses, telling him that he could be really attractive if he loosened up.
When Detective Furman confessed that he was in a very dark mood since losing the enchanted wig, and that he had burned the “impostor” wig, cursing it for ruining his dreams. Poppi pointed out that no hairpiece could ruin Furman’s dreams…only Furman himself did that. As they talked, Poppi’s theme song started playing, and Furman and Poppi danced to it. Poppi realized that Furman had also heard “the inner monologue of the homosexual male,” but Furman denied it.
Buster Banks was in the studio when Rodriguez Philbin knocked on the door. Buster recognized Rodriguez as his old friend from when he spent spring break in Cuba. Rodriguez asked if he and his 12 cousins could stay in Buster’s studio. Buster agreed, on the condition that Rodriguez play the dead body in his movie. When Rodriguez complimented Buster on his Mary Lou Retton-style flag-design jumpsuit, they suddenly got the brilliant idea of asking Mary Lou Retton to co-star in the movie.
Detective Furman was hanging out at Coconutz when Mayor Shula Goldamayer came in and fired him because he’d ordered Snatch to rat on Dan Mandarino. Furman started ranting about how Dan thought he could get away with anything, then Shula reminded Furman that he himself had given Dan immunity from prosecution. Noticing the cocaine on the floor, Shula realized she needed to take drastic measures to help Furman. She handcuffed herself to Furman to keep him away from drugs.
FURMAN: “I’ll die, I tell you!”
SHULA: “Then I’ll drag your dead body around and pretend you’re alive!”
At Coconutz, Poppi offered Angelo his latest drink invention, the “Pooty-Tooter.” As Angelo drank it, a football suddenly flew through the air and struck Angelo.
Out on the streets, Simpson and Snatch were placing a tape outline around a dead body (“This is like a REAL case!”). As they examined the body, Rodriguez Philbin walked up and tried to take the body away. As Simpson and Snatch prepared to arrest him for interfering with a crime scene, he explained about his quest for vengeance.
RODRIGUEZ: “I’m looking for the man who killed my father, and if I have to kill every white woman in this town to do it, I will!…Did I just say that out loud?”
In the hospital, Angelo explained to the Commodore that the football had hit him so hard, he “pooped out his liver.” He now needed a transplant. However, his blood type (B-Positive) was so rare, that the only matches were the other 9 people in the cast.
Buster went to the prison to visit Rodriguez, but was stopped by Officer Simpson at the admittance desk. He identified himself as Buster Banks (“Perhaps you’ve seen one of my movies scrambled on your TV at night”), and Simpson was awestruck. She was a big fan of his movies, but offered him some constructive criticism on the lighting. Impressed, he hired her as a lighting person. As he reached across the desk to shake hands, he accidentally knocked over Simpson’s portable siren, and she slugged him.
Having escaped from jail, Rodriguez Philbin went to Coconutz looking for a job as a cook. Poppi had so much trouble understanding him that Rodriguez finally dropped his accent and asked Poppi not to reveal that he wasn’t really Cuban. Rodriguez explained that years ago, he had seen a videotape of his father being killed, but now he believed that it was actually his father DOING the killing…and that his father was Angelo Lansbury.
Shula Goldamayer dragged Detective Furman to temple for some perspective. As she prayed, God spoke to them and told Furman to read the scroll on the altar. God told him to stare at the scroll and unfocus his eyes until the message appeared.
The Commodore called on Officer Snatch, informing her that his program had named her as the best match for Angelo’s liver. He warned her that if she didn’t donate her liver, he could make life hell for her…even worse than life without a liver.
Rodriguez Philbin was alone in Buster’s studio when Mary Lou Retton arrived, eager to start work on Buster’s movie. Consumed with bloodlust, Rodriguez killed her just as Buster walked in.
As Angelo and Poppi were shopping for funeral clothes (just in case), Poppi warned Angelo about Rodriguez’ quest for vengeance. To show his love, Poppi was prepared to save Angelo in two ways: He would donate half of his liver, plus he would disguise himself as a woman and set himself out as bait to trap Rodriguez.
The Commodore arrived at Buster’s studio and was horrified by the sight of Buster kneeling over Mary Lou Retton’s corpse. (“You’ve killed an innocent woman who looked like a child!”) Buster proclaimed his innocence, and told the Commodore that they had to find Rodriguez Philbin.
BUSTER: “Have you seen a small Hispanic man running around?”
COMMODORE: “In Miami?”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Buster Banks and Poppi were making cold calls to raise funds for Buster’s movie. When they called on a Mr. Francoise, Poppi started negotiating in French, getting Mr. Francoise to commit $250,000. When Francoise asked “Who do I make the check out to?”, they thought he was saying something about Gerard Depardieu, so they agreed to cast him.
Shula Goldamayer used her menorah to hypnotize Officer Snatch and find out her true feelings about Dan Mandarino.
SNATCH: “Dan Mandarino, he’s really hot…he really likes me…a lot.”
SHULA: “You rhymed! That means it’s true love!”
Angelo Lansbury was on the pier, pitching his cocaine to passersby, when a mysterious stranger walked by. The man introduced himself as Rodriguez Philbin, explaining that he had just come to America from Cuba to avenge his father’s murder. Angelo welcomed Rodriguez to America by giving him a bag of cocaine.
Officer Simpson was fixing breakfast for the Commodore after their night of passion. The Commodore confessed that he wasn’t comfortable with human contact, but Simpson replied that he didn’t seem to uncomfortable last night. She took off the Commodore’s glasses, telling him that he could be really attractive if he loosened up.
When Detective Furman confessed that he was in a very dark mood since losing the enchanted wig, and that he had burned the “impostor” wig, cursing it for ruining his dreams. Poppi pointed out that no hairpiece could ruin Furman’s dreams…only Furman himself did that. As they talked, Poppi’s theme song started playing, and Furman and Poppi danced to it. Poppi realized that Furman had also heard “the inner monologue of the homosexual male,” but Furman denied it.
Buster Banks was in the studio when Rodriguez Philbin knocked on the door. Buster recognized Rodriguez as his old friend from when he spent spring break in Cuba. Rodriguez asked if he and his 12 cousins could stay in Buster’s studio. Buster agreed, on the condition that Rodriguez play the dead body in his movie. When Rodriguez complimented Buster on his Mary Lou Retton-style flag-design jumpsuit, they suddenly got the brilliant idea of asking Mary Lou Retton to co-star in the movie.
Detective Furman was hanging out at Coconutz when Mayor Shula Goldamayer came in and fired him because he’d ordered Snatch to rat on Dan Mandarino. Furman started ranting about how Dan thought he could get away with anything, then Shula reminded Furman that he himself had given Dan immunity from prosecution. Noticing the cocaine on the floor, Shula realized she needed to take drastic measures to help Furman. She handcuffed herself to Furman to keep him away from drugs.
FURMAN: “I’ll die, I tell you!”
SHULA: “Then I’ll drag your dead body around and pretend you’re alive!”
At Coconutz, Poppi offered Angelo his latest drink invention, the “Pooty-Tooter.” As Angelo drank it, a football suddenly flew through the air and struck Angelo.
Out on the streets, Simpson and Snatch were placing a tape outline around a dead body (“This is like a REAL case!”). As they examined the body, Rodriguez Philbin walked up and tried to take the body away. As Simpson and Snatch prepared to arrest him for interfering with a crime scene, he explained about his quest for vengeance.
RODRIGUEZ: “I’m looking for the man who killed my father, and if I have to kill every white woman in this town to do it, I will!…Did I just say that out loud?”
In the hospital, Angelo explained to the Commodore that the football had hit him so hard, he “pooped out his liver.” He now needed a transplant. However, his blood type (B-Positive) was so rare, that the only matches were the other 9 people in the cast.
Buster went to the prison to visit Rodriguez, but was stopped by Officer Simpson at the admittance desk. He identified himself as Buster Banks (“Perhaps you’ve seen one of my movies scrambled on your TV at night”), and Simpson was awestruck. She was a big fan of his movies, but offered him some constructive criticism on the lighting. Impressed, he hired her as a lighting person. As he reached across the desk to shake hands, he accidentally knocked over Simpson’s portable siren, and she slugged him.
Having escaped from jail, Rodriguez Philbin went to Coconutz looking for a job as a cook. Poppi had so much trouble understanding him that Rodriguez finally dropped his accent and asked Poppi not to reveal that he wasn’t really Cuban. Rodriguez explained that years ago, he had seen a videotape of his father being killed, but now he believed that it was actually his father DOING the killing…and that his father was Angelo Lansbury.
Shula Goldamayer dragged Detective Furman to temple for some perspective. As she prayed, God spoke to them and told Furman to read the scroll on the altar. God told him to stare at the scroll and unfocus his eyes until the message appeared.
The Commodore called on Officer Snatch, informing her that his program had named her as the best match for Angelo’s liver. He warned her that if she didn’t donate her liver, he could make life hell for her…even worse than life without a liver.
Rodriguez Philbin was alone in Buster’s studio when Mary Lou Retton arrived, eager to start work on Buster’s movie. Consumed with bloodlust, Rodriguez killed her just as Buster walked in.
As Angelo and Poppi were shopping for funeral clothes (just in case), Poppi warned Angelo about Rodriguez’ quest for vengeance. To show his love, Poppi was prepared to save Angelo in two ways: He would donate half of his liver, plus he would disguise himself as a woman and set himself out as bait to trap Rodriguez.
The Commodore arrived at Buster’s studio and was horrified by the sight of Buster kneeling over Mary Lou Retton’s corpse. (“You’ve killed an innocent woman who looked like a child!”) Buster proclaimed his innocence, and told the Commodore that they had to find Rodriguez Philbin.
BUSTER: “Have you seen a small Hispanic man running around?”
COMMODORE: “In Miami?”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Season 7, Episode 3: Geek in the Machine
Episode 3: Geek in the Machine
Detective Furman visited Officer Snatch in the hospital, where she was recovering from a stab wound in the neck, receiving the best treatment she could get without medical insurance. Furman asked for Snatch’s help in taking down Dan Mandarino. She replied that she had a conflict of interest, since she’d gone on a date with Dan, and he brought a Care Bear to her hospital room. Furman warned her that her badge was riding on this.
Having been sucked into Angelo Lansbury’s computer, the Commodore was at Angelo’s mercy.
ANGELO: “What if I hit the Tab key?”
COMMODORE: “No! You’ll send me over five spaces!”
Buster Banks was on the set of his next picture when Dan Mandarino burst in, demanding the film Buster had taken of Dan and Poppi. Dan bragged that he would stop at nothing to get the film back, since he had complete immunity from prosecution (“I’m a god!”). Buster agreed to keep Dan’s sex tape out of circulation, if Dan would star in Buster’s dream project. (“You’re stiff enough to play the dead body in my picture.”)
Officer Simpson was taking in Mayor Shula Goldamayer for questioning in Snatch’s stabbing. Shula confessed that, during the 15 minutes that she lost her glasses during the struggle with Dan, she had an epiphany. Her brief period of impaired vision had made her realize what it was to be weak and oppressed…and now she wanted to devote her mayoral power to freedom and justice. She asked Simpson to call off the hit on Angelo Lansbury and Poppi. Since Simpson had lost her gun anyway, she agreed.
Angelo Lansbury was having a drink and a conversation with Poppi at Coconutz. After Poppi made a number of innuendo-filled come-ons, Angelo explained that he was straight, and only liked ladies. Poppi replied, “I could be a lady one day…if I get my pee-pee chopped off.”
Detective Furman was snorting coke in his office when the Commodore appeared on his computer screen. (“I didn’t know you could hallucinate through cocaine use!”) The Commodore assured him that he was real, and that he was stuck inside the world’s network of computers. (“It’s nothing like ‘Tron’ at all! There’s no motorcycle races, just green letters!”) Furman asked the Commodore if he could get into the mayor’s computer and arrange health insurance for the police department. In return, Furman would try to get the Commodore back into the real world, even though “getting a living being out of a computer is a metaphysical crisis I can’t even begin to imagine!”
Having been released from the hospital, Officer Snatch went to see Dan Mandarino. She explained that Furman had asked her to do something to Dan, though she wasn’t clear on exactly what. Dan asked what she was going to do.
SNATCH: “I’m gonna do what you’re gonna do.”
DAN: “You’re gonna play the Bengals on Sunday?”
Buster informed Poppi that he was planning on getting out of porn and into real movies. (“I don’t want to keep making ‘Jesus Christ, Pooperstar’ over and over.”) Poppi warned him that hardly anybody had ever made the transition from porn to mainstream, with the exception of Steven Spielberg.
Shula was taking a catnap in her office when the Commodore entered her computer and fixed the police department’s health insurance. When she woke up, the Commodore hid behind a menorah.
Simpson and Snatch filmed a public service announcement. (“Kids, be smart. Don’t do drugs. Stick to the alcohol and cigarettes.”)
Angelo Lansbury paid a visit to Buster’s studio. When Angelo promised to get even with Dixie Greenflag for shooting him, Buster threatened to rip out Angelo’s throat, play a tune on it and then throw it away like a used clarinet reed. In return, Angelo threatened to pull the financing from Buster’s porn operation. Buster wasn’t worried, since he was going to make a non-porn film, which he felt would be his biggest hit since “The Red Vadge of Courage.”
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch told Poppi that they were upset with him for taking all of the available men in Miami, e.g. Dan Mandarino. Poppi revealed that he now felt nothing for Dan, then he sang a song about his new love, Angelo Lansbury.
Dan Mandarino was sitting at the pier, reflecting on his situation, when the Commodore appeared on a nearby computer monitor. Dan soon recognized the Commodore as the nerd he used to bully in high school. Now that he was inside the world’s network of computers, the Commodore took revenge by selling Dan’s parents’ chicken farm to the Amish.
Detective Furman was drinking at Coconutz when Poppi entered and asked him why he was wearing such a ridiculous wig. Poppi informed Furman that what he was wearing was NOT the enchanted hairpiece that had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…this wig belonged to a drag queen named Buffalo Manchilde. Furman was shocked by this revelation, since this wig had given him the confidence and inspiration to get up and sing.
The reformed Shula Goldamayer stormed into Angelo Lansbury’s office, demanding that he give up his illegal activities. Angelo offered her some coke to calm her down. (“Cocaine is a stimulant; it won’t calm me down! Quaaludes will calm me down!”) Angelo refused to abandon his dangerous but profitable business, even after Shula led him in a prayer.
Dan Mandarino informed Buster Banks that he’d have to put off starring in Buster’s movie, since he needed to go to Pittsburgh and save his family’s farm. Buster asked Dan to do one favor before he left. Buster knew that Dan’s throwing arm was so strong and accurate that he could kill a man with a football from 200 yards…which is precisely what Buster wanted Dan to do to Angelo.
Simpson and Snatch told the Commodore that they were too grateful to arrest him because he’d gotten them health insurance. When the Commodore made a condescending remark, Snatch retorted that, just because they’re sluts, that doesn’t mean they’re stupid. To prove their intelligence, Simpson and Snatch released the Commodore from the computer using a bobby pin, a 9-volt battery and a shot of Captain Morgan’s rum. Then they took the Commodore away for the best sex he’d ever have in his lifetime.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Detective Furman visited Officer Snatch in the hospital, where she was recovering from a stab wound in the neck, receiving the best treatment she could get without medical insurance. Furman asked for Snatch’s help in taking down Dan Mandarino. She replied that she had a conflict of interest, since she’d gone on a date with Dan, and he brought a Care Bear to her hospital room. Furman warned her that her badge was riding on this.
Having been sucked into Angelo Lansbury’s computer, the Commodore was at Angelo’s mercy.
ANGELO: “What if I hit the Tab key?”
COMMODORE: “No! You’ll send me over five spaces!”
Buster Banks was on the set of his next picture when Dan Mandarino burst in, demanding the film Buster had taken of Dan and Poppi. Dan bragged that he would stop at nothing to get the film back, since he had complete immunity from prosecution (“I’m a god!”). Buster agreed to keep Dan’s sex tape out of circulation, if Dan would star in Buster’s dream project. (“You’re stiff enough to play the dead body in my picture.”)
Officer Simpson was taking in Mayor Shula Goldamayer for questioning in Snatch’s stabbing. Shula confessed that, during the 15 minutes that she lost her glasses during the struggle with Dan, she had an epiphany. Her brief period of impaired vision had made her realize what it was to be weak and oppressed…and now she wanted to devote her mayoral power to freedom and justice. She asked Simpson to call off the hit on Angelo Lansbury and Poppi. Since Simpson had lost her gun anyway, she agreed.
Angelo Lansbury was having a drink and a conversation with Poppi at Coconutz. After Poppi made a number of innuendo-filled come-ons, Angelo explained that he was straight, and only liked ladies. Poppi replied, “I could be a lady one day…if I get my pee-pee chopped off.”
Detective Furman was snorting coke in his office when the Commodore appeared on his computer screen. (“I didn’t know you could hallucinate through cocaine use!”) The Commodore assured him that he was real, and that he was stuck inside the world’s network of computers. (“It’s nothing like ‘Tron’ at all! There’s no motorcycle races, just green letters!”) Furman asked the Commodore if he could get into the mayor’s computer and arrange health insurance for the police department. In return, Furman would try to get the Commodore back into the real world, even though “getting a living being out of a computer is a metaphysical crisis I can’t even begin to imagine!”
Having been released from the hospital, Officer Snatch went to see Dan Mandarino. She explained that Furman had asked her to do something to Dan, though she wasn’t clear on exactly what. Dan asked what she was going to do.
SNATCH: “I’m gonna do what you’re gonna do.”
DAN: “You’re gonna play the Bengals on Sunday?”
Buster informed Poppi that he was planning on getting out of porn and into real movies. (“I don’t want to keep making ‘Jesus Christ, Pooperstar’ over and over.”) Poppi warned him that hardly anybody had ever made the transition from porn to mainstream, with the exception of Steven Spielberg.
Shula was taking a catnap in her office when the Commodore entered her computer and fixed the police department’s health insurance. When she woke up, the Commodore hid behind a menorah.
Simpson and Snatch filmed a public service announcement. (“Kids, be smart. Don’t do drugs. Stick to the alcohol and cigarettes.”)
Angelo Lansbury paid a visit to Buster’s studio. When Angelo promised to get even with Dixie Greenflag for shooting him, Buster threatened to rip out Angelo’s throat, play a tune on it and then throw it away like a used clarinet reed. In return, Angelo threatened to pull the financing from Buster’s porn operation. Buster wasn’t worried, since he was going to make a non-porn film, which he felt would be his biggest hit since “The Red Vadge of Courage.”
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch told Poppi that they were upset with him for taking all of the available men in Miami, e.g. Dan Mandarino. Poppi revealed that he now felt nothing for Dan, then he sang a song about his new love, Angelo Lansbury.
Dan Mandarino was sitting at the pier, reflecting on his situation, when the Commodore appeared on a nearby computer monitor. Dan soon recognized the Commodore as the nerd he used to bully in high school. Now that he was inside the world’s network of computers, the Commodore took revenge by selling Dan’s parents’ chicken farm to the Amish.
Detective Furman was drinking at Coconutz when Poppi entered and asked him why he was wearing such a ridiculous wig. Poppi informed Furman that what he was wearing was NOT the enchanted hairpiece that had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…this wig belonged to a drag queen named Buffalo Manchilde. Furman was shocked by this revelation, since this wig had given him the confidence and inspiration to get up and sing.
The reformed Shula Goldamayer stormed into Angelo Lansbury’s office, demanding that he give up his illegal activities. Angelo offered her some coke to calm her down. (“Cocaine is a stimulant; it won’t calm me down! Quaaludes will calm me down!”) Angelo refused to abandon his dangerous but profitable business, even after Shula led him in a prayer.
Dan Mandarino informed Buster Banks that he’d have to put off starring in Buster’s movie, since he needed to go to Pittsburgh and save his family’s farm. Buster asked Dan to do one favor before he left. Buster knew that Dan’s throwing arm was so strong and accurate that he could kill a man with a football from 200 yards…which is precisely what Buster wanted Dan to do to Angelo.
Simpson and Snatch told the Commodore that they were too grateful to arrest him because he’d gotten them health insurance. When the Commodore made a condescending remark, Snatch retorted that, just because they’re sluts, that doesn’t mean they’re stupid. To prove their intelligence, Simpson and Snatch released the Commodore from the computer using a bobby pin, a 9-volt battery and a shot of Captain Morgan’s rum. Then they took the Commodore away for the best sex he’d ever have in his lifetime.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, January 19, 2009
Season 7, Episode 2: Porn on the Fourth of July
Episode 2: Porn on the Fourth of July
Poppi was sunbathing and writhing sensually at Miami Beach when Buster Banks offered him a part in his new movie, “All the President’s Men…ALL of Them.” Buster explained that he was looking for a new star and for someone in his heart…but they had to be two different people. The last time he fell in love with his star, it ended badly…she shot somebody and then ran away. (“It’s a good plan, to run after shooting a man.”)
Angelo Lansbury was in his office, doing some telemarketing to sell his cocaine. Simpson and Snatch arrived to investigate his shooting. Angelo explained that he’d treated his wound himself (by placing band-aids on the entrance and exit wounds) and that he didn’t intend to press charges…he’d handle the matter himself. He told Simpson and Snatch that they were the finest dirty cops on his payroll, and that he wanted them to make sure their new superior, Detective Furman, stayed in line.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer met with Dan Mandarino to discuss the upcoming ceremony presenting him with the key to the city. Dan wasn’t satisfied with just the key…he wanted her to rename the city from “Miami” to “Mandarino.” When Shula refused, the enraged Dan knocked over a table. In response, Shula jumped on Dan and started pounding away.
At Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, Detective Furman was pontificating on the merits of generic beer, which Furman considered to be an admirable embodiment of socialist principles. However, Poppi was more interested in dancing to “Maneater” than in philosophy. After the song ended, Furman confessed that he’d lost the wig Poppi had given him. Poppi urged Furman to get it back, as it had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…plus, it had magical powers.
Angelo was continuing his telemarketing campaign when he received a visitor…the computer expert known only as “The Commodore.” Angelo explained that he’d called in the Commodore in order to make sure that the data on his criminal empire was secure.
Simpson and Snatch were watching the fireworks when Dan Mandarino joined them, angry about the beat-down Shula had laid on him. For revenge, he planned for Simpson to disguise herself as him during the key ceremony, then, while Shula was distracted, he’d run out and blindside Shula. As he took off his jersey for Simpson’s disguise, she started babbling about a dream she’d had where Dan scored a touchdown while he was naked, emphasizing the “naked” aspect. We saw a flashback to Simpson’s dream.
Detective Furman met with Mayor Goldamayer to discuss the police department’s performance. After protesting that he didn’t have the budget to hire more than two cops, Furman revealed what was really troubling him…he felt like only half a man without the wig. Shula told him that she’d seen the wig in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Consumed by jealousy and rage, Furman drew his gun and stormed out.
Buster Banks was on the set of his new movie, “A Funny Threesome Happened on the Way to the Forum,” when the Commodore entered. Buster and the Commodore believed that computer programmers and porn-makers had a bright future together (“Someday, my friend, computers and porn will go together like guns and bullets”). They planned to double-cross Angelo by installing a special program that would suck Angelo’s soul into the computer…and then, Buster could use Angelo’s body for his next movie, a comedy about two guys who have to make it look like a dead guy is still alive. He was thinking of calling it “Weekend at…”—well, he hadn’t decided on the name.
Detective Furman went to Dan Mandarino’s apartment, offering him 7/8 of a kilo of cocaine in exchange for the wig. Unimpressed, Dan named his own price…complete immunity from prosecution for ANYTHING. Furman agreed, and Dan handed over the wig. They both laughed maniacally.
Angelo came to the Commodore’s office to pick up his computer. As part of his payment, the Commodore requested a meeting with Dan Mandarino. Angelo was surprised, since he didn’t expect a computer nerd to be into sports. The Commodore replied that he knew all about football. (“Football is played with a ball.”)
Buster Banks was planning such future projects as “All Coming on Her Western Front” and “Much Ado about Stuffing” when Poppi arrived, eager to do either “Manlet” or “Two Gentlemen of the Boner.” In the course of their discussion, Poppi mentioned his relationship with Dan Mandarino. Stunned by this revelation, Buster started contemplating how many people would pay to see a football hero in a porn film. They decided to plant a hidden camera and catch Dan in the act.
Mad with wig-power, Detective Furman took the stage at Coconutz, singing about his dream of being a princess. Surveying the nightclub, Furman contemplated revoking Poppi’s liquor license in order to take over the club himself.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was preparing to present the key to the city to Officer Simpson, who was disguised as Dan Mandarino. As Simpson delivered her acceptance speech, the real Dan (dressed in Simpson’s clothes) snuck up and tackled Shula. In the struggle, Shula accidentally stabbed Officer Snatch in the neck with her eyeglasses. Victorious, Dan took the podium and informed the people of Miami that “you belong to me now!”
Having set up the hidden camera in Dan’s apartment, Buster hid when Dan returned. Poppi tried to seduce Dan for the new movie, but Dan wasn’t interested in sex, what with all the changes happening in his life. (“I think I might have declared myself mayor.”) Dan revealed that he’d done so much in his short time in Miami, he was now ready to “trade himself” and move on to new challenges. As Poppi insisted on talking about their sex life, Dan grew suspicious. Dan discovered the hidden camera.
Now that his computer was all set up, Angelo Lansbury called up the Commodore for tech support. The Commodore instructed Angelo how to turn on his computer, but Angelo just couldn’t find the right keys. Frustrated with Angelo’s inability to follow simple directions, the Commodore rushed into Angelo’s office to do it himself. Without thinking, the Commodore activated the computer, which sucked in the Commodore’s soul and left his body a mindless husk. Puzzled by this strange turn of events, Angelo looked through the Commodore’s computer disks and discovered his “Angelo Mind-Control” program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Poppi was sunbathing and writhing sensually at Miami Beach when Buster Banks offered him a part in his new movie, “All the President’s Men…ALL of Them.” Buster explained that he was looking for a new star and for someone in his heart…but they had to be two different people. The last time he fell in love with his star, it ended badly…she shot somebody and then ran away. (“It’s a good plan, to run after shooting a man.”)
Angelo Lansbury was in his office, doing some telemarketing to sell his cocaine. Simpson and Snatch arrived to investigate his shooting. Angelo explained that he’d treated his wound himself (by placing band-aids on the entrance and exit wounds) and that he didn’t intend to press charges…he’d handle the matter himself. He told Simpson and Snatch that they were the finest dirty cops on his payroll, and that he wanted them to make sure their new superior, Detective Furman, stayed in line.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer met with Dan Mandarino to discuss the upcoming ceremony presenting him with the key to the city. Dan wasn’t satisfied with just the key…he wanted her to rename the city from “Miami” to “Mandarino.” When Shula refused, the enraged Dan knocked over a table. In response, Shula jumped on Dan and started pounding away.
At Poppi’s nightclub Coconutz, Detective Furman was pontificating on the merits of generic beer, which Furman considered to be an admirable embodiment of socialist principles. However, Poppi was more interested in dancing to “Maneater” than in philosophy. After the song ended, Furman confessed that he’d lost the wig Poppi had given him. Poppi urged Furman to get it back, as it had belonged to Poppi’s grandmother…plus, it had magical powers.
Angelo was continuing his telemarketing campaign when he received a visitor…the computer expert known only as “The Commodore.” Angelo explained that he’d called in the Commodore in order to make sure that the data on his criminal empire was secure.
Simpson and Snatch were watching the fireworks when Dan Mandarino joined them, angry about the beat-down Shula had laid on him. For revenge, he planned for Simpson to disguise herself as him during the key ceremony, then, while Shula was distracted, he’d run out and blindside Shula. As he took off his jersey for Simpson’s disguise, she started babbling about a dream she’d had where Dan scored a touchdown while he was naked, emphasizing the “naked” aspect. We saw a flashback to Simpson’s dream.
Detective Furman met with Mayor Goldamayer to discuss the police department’s performance. After protesting that he didn’t have the budget to hire more than two cops, Furman revealed what was really troubling him…he felt like only half a man without the wig. Shula told him that she’d seen the wig in Dan Mandarino’s apartment. Consumed by jealousy and rage, Furman drew his gun and stormed out.
Buster Banks was on the set of his new movie, “A Funny Threesome Happened on the Way to the Forum,” when the Commodore entered. Buster and the Commodore believed that computer programmers and porn-makers had a bright future together (“Someday, my friend, computers and porn will go together like guns and bullets”). They planned to double-cross Angelo by installing a special program that would suck Angelo’s soul into the computer…and then, Buster could use Angelo’s body for his next movie, a comedy about two guys who have to make it look like a dead guy is still alive. He was thinking of calling it “Weekend at…”—well, he hadn’t decided on the name.
Detective Furman went to Dan Mandarino’s apartment, offering him 7/8 of a kilo of cocaine in exchange for the wig. Unimpressed, Dan named his own price…complete immunity from prosecution for ANYTHING. Furman agreed, and Dan handed over the wig. They both laughed maniacally.
Angelo came to the Commodore’s office to pick up his computer. As part of his payment, the Commodore requested a meeting with Dan Mandarino. Angelo was surprised, since he didn’t expect a computer nerd to be into sports. The Commodore replied that he knew all about football. (“Football is played with a ball.”)
Buster Banks was planning such future projects as “All Coming on Her Western Front” and “Much Ado about Stuffing” when Poppi arrived, eager to do either “Manlet” or “Two Gentlemen of the Boner.” In the course of their discussion, Poppi mentioned his relationship with Dan Mandarino. Stunned by this revelation, Buster started contemplating how many people would pay to see a football hero in a porn film. They decided to plant a hidden camera and catch Dan in the act.
Mad with wig-power, Detective Furman took the stage at Coconutz, singing about his dream of being a princess. Surveying the nightclub, Furman contemplated revoking Poppi’s liquor license in order to take over the club himself.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was preparing to present the key to the city to Officer Simpson, who was disguised as Dan Mandarino. As Simpson delivered her acceptance speech, the real Dan (dressed in Simpson’s clothes) snuck up and tackled Shula. In the struggle, Shula accidentally stabbed Officer Snatch in the neck with her eyeglasses. Victorious, Dan took the podium and informed the people of Miami that “you belong to me now!”
Having set up the hidden camera in Dan’s apartment, Buster hid when Dan returned. Poppi tried to seduce Dan for the new movie, but Dan wasn’t interested in sex, what with all the changes happening in his life. (“I think I might have declared myself mayor.”) Dan revealed that he’d done so much in his short time in Miami, he was now ready to “trade himself” and move on to new challenges. As Poppi insisted on talking about their sex life, Dan grew suspicious. Dan discovered the hidden camera.
Now that his computer was all set up, Angelo Lansbury called up the Commodore for tech support. The Commodore instructed Angelo how to turn on his computer, but Angelo just couldn’t find the right keys. Frustrated with Angelo’s inability to follow simple directions, the Commodore rushed into Angelo’s office to do it himself. Without thinking, the Commodore activated the computer, which sucked in the Commodore’s soul and left his body a mindless husk. Puzzled by this strange turn of events, Angelo looked through the Commodore’s computer disks and discovered his “Angelo Mind-Control” program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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