Episode 5: Power, Failure
Back from her “hiatus” (read: bender), hostess Bixie Biederback gathered everyone together to inform them that the producers had threatened to shut down the show. The housemates blamed Bixie for losing control of the show, and announced they were going on strike unless they got a new host. Just then, the producers shut off the power.
In the kitchen, Dorothy showed Miller how to heat up canned goods without power, by putting them in your pants. They found a package of Chicken in a Biscuit, but were disappointed to read the label and discover that it’s only chicken-flavored. They decided to catch a real chicken and put it in a biscuit.
Eric von Landingham and Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker got into a heated debate about their reliance on electric power and the waste of resources.
In Bixie’s office, Rory Manchester placed a call to divert power from his secret generator. After the lights came on, Rory lectured her that he had faith in her as a producer…and nobody proves Rory wrong. He told her to get off the booze, or he would literally kick her off the show.
On the roof, Lance Belligui was setting up a solar panel to operate his camera when Hank came up. Hank pressured Lance to get him into Bixie’s office and fix the scores so that Hank will be in the lead. In return, Lance asked Hank to help him get immigration and/or the IRS off his case.
Eric went to Hello Pizza Kitty and ordered a medium with Epsom salt. He then pulled Miller aside conspiratorially and suggested that, even if the show’s cancelled, that Miller could still get the prize by going through Bixie.
Behind the house, Dorothy was watching the sunrise when Lance arrived and began flirting with her. When Dorothy complained that everyone on the show is crazy, Lance pointed out that she’s the one who lives in a garbage can. She invited Lance to climb in and try it out before he knocks her lifestyle. As they got in the can together, get-it-on music played in the background.
Rory was making some calls in Bixie’s office when Hank sneaked in. Gloating that he’d gotten past Rory, Hank suggested that Rory was losing his touch. Hank’s mockery caused Rory to hear flashback voices of his childhood humiliations, until Rory finally snapped and grabbed Hank by the throat.
Not having found a real chicken, Dorothy and Miller were practicing their food-catching technique with Miller pretending to be the chicken as Dorothy chased him. Miller commented that he probably wouldn’t be doing this if he weren’t stoned. Dorothy revealed that she used to do drugs herself, but gave them up when she decided to become homeless. Miller asked her more about her life, and she confessed that she had a couple of children, but didn’t want to talk about them. She was more open about a more recent event, admitting that she’d had sex with Lance. She worried that he might have filmed their encounter.
Eric was relaxing in the hot tub (which was only lukewarm due to the power loss) when Lance arrived. Lance confessed to having sex with Dorothy and filming it. Eric asked if Lance had ever enjoyed anything for itself in the moment, without worrying about capturing it on film. Lance admitted that he used to enjoy himself spontaneously with his wife back in Viennice.
After a game of foosball in the rec room, Bixie thanked Hank for helping her find an activity to replace drinking. Offering some advice, Hank told her that she’d spent too much time trying to please others, but never found the real Bixie inside herself.
Rory placed a phone call to one of his secret cohorts…Dr. Claw. He informed Claw that he’d been trying to get the deed to Iceland, but needed access to “771.” Claw replied that Rory had always had full access.
In the garden, Hank complimented Dorothy on her horticultural aesthetics, then asked if he could call her Dottie. She reminisced that her father used to call her that. He was a railroad engineer, and she always wanted to follow in his footsteps…until she found out that the engineer doesn’t just blow the whistle but has to actually drive the train, a lesson she learned when she accidentally killed hundreds of people. Hank reassured her that it wasn’t her fault.
Eric stumbled into Rory’s secret room, and Rory congratulated him on his resourcefulness. Eric realized that Rory was part of the Illuminati or some similar world-controlling conspiracy. Rory admitted it, explaining that his associates included such legends as Dr. Claw, Cobra Commander, and the Supreme Hydra; they made cartoons about themselves in the 1980s so that people would think they didn’t actually exist.
In the bar, Bixie had just mixed an alcohol-free mimosa when Miller came in and made a painfully obvious and inept attempt to seduce her. When she informed him that she was now sober, Miller realized that his usual pick-up techniques wouldn’t work. She confessed that she’d managed to keep the show alive by offering herself sexually to the producers. Miller suggested that she could boost the ratings by making the same offer to the contestants.
In the basement, Lance was plotting to double-cross Hank. Suddenly, Hank and Dorothy burst in, and Hank confronted Lance about his treatment of Dorothy. Realizing that Hank had also slept with Dorothy, Lance dropped his camera in shock.
Bixie gathered everyone together to announce that the power had been restored and the show was back on track. She asked everybody to help get the show to #1. Suddenly, Hank had a heart attack and collapsed. As Rory and Eric performed CPR, Bixie pleaded to Hank to stay alive for the show’s sake.
Dorothy and Lance accompanied Hank in the ambulance. Lance blamed himself for Hank’s collapse (“We killed him with our love!”). Taking him literally, Dorothy said that she couldn’t be with Lance now that he was a murderer. Lance retorted that this meant she would lose two lovers in one day.
Hank’s life flashed before his eyes in a flashback montage.
Back at the house, Rory placed a call to Destro. He informed his associate that he had placed formula 771 in Hank’s water to simulate a heart attack, then used CPR as a pretext to place the microchip in Hank’s mouth. The next step was to send Zartan to infiltrate Hank’s hospital room at Grady, and their plan would proceed right on schedule.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label hank basker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hank basker. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Season 12, Episode 3: Broken Hearts and Necks
Episode 3: Broken Hearts and Necks
Bixie Biederback introduced the housemates to the beautiful Chrysanthemum Kennedy, explaining that Chrysanthemum was this week’s challenge. Whoever succeeded in wooing her would get 150 points (plus the privilege of the wooing itself).
Afterwards, Poncey Highland confided to Eric von Landingham that, as a gay man, he was very upset about being forced to woo a woman to get ahead in the game. Eric pointed out that Dorothy would have just as big a problem.
Rory Manchester was showing Chrysanthemum a night on the town and telling her about himself. (“I’m not just rich because I have millions of dollars, I’m rich because I have 13 points of spirituality.”) He asked her to tell him about herself, and she replied that what he saw in front of him was pretty much all there was to her.
Dorothy complained to Bixie about Chrysanthemum’s presence; Dorothy thought she herself was supposed to provide the show’s sex appeal. Bixie replied that she WOULD be the sex symbol if she got a new look. Reluctantly, Dorothy agreed to take a bath and wear make-up, though she drew the line at wearing a dress.
In the backyard, Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was playing golf with Chrysanthemum, turning the game into one long string of sexual innuendo. Chrysanthemum was repulsed by his weird, aggressive behavior.
Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at the Hello Pizza Kitty. Miller explained that he needed this job to pay off his “guy.” Lance didn’t understand, so Miller went into a speech about how everybody needs a guy. Realizing that Lance didn’t have a guy, Miller went out and found a guy named Tyrone. Miller asked Tyrone to hook him up with a bag, and Tyrone charged him three dollars. (“Dude, that’s like 1924 prices!”)
Eric von Landingham was at his workplace at Olan Mills, photographing Chrysanthemum. She complimented him on his blue uniform, and he launched into a monologue about his life in the service industry…a monologue that took a weird turn when he recalled his mother’s job as a stripper at Stretchers.
In the confession booth, Rory told Lance about his date with Chrysanthemum. At first, he only viewed her as the show’s weekly challenge, but now he felt something he’d never felt before (except for himself). In fact, he felt so strongly (and was so determined to win the challenge) that he’d bought a ring.
Poncey went to Bixie’s office to complain about the challenge. He explained that this went completely against his nature, declaring that he hadn’t dated girls since high school. Bixie retorted that, since he DID once go out with girls, he could do so again…and she insisted that he practice with her.
Miller and Chrysanthemum were smoking pot in the underpass on 285. This was the first time she’d ever tried anything like that, and she was enjoying it a lot. They got into a rambling, stoned conversation (“Isn’t life like a reality show without the show?”) that ended with Miller declaring his love for her.
Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came in to take her first bath in years. Dorothy sensed that Bixie had had her way with Poncey. Breaking down, Poncey sobbed that Bixie’s breasts were like that green gardening compound (“you stick your thumb in, it leaves an impression!”).
Rory brought Chrysanthemum up to his room to show her his etchings, while she confessed that she thought she’d been abducted by aliens, since she found herself on the freeway with no memory. She was woken up when a car full of hysterical people (possibly a clown car) ran over her foot. Rory comforted her by massaging her injured foot. As he did so, he slipped the engagement ring onto her toe and playfully asked “Now where did that come from?” Chrysanthemum figured the clowns must have put it on her.
Lance was logging his tapes in the basement when Bixie came in to compliment him on his work. Lance confronted her about her sexual harassment of Poncey, and she declared that she did have strong feelings for Poncey. Lance warned her that if she slept with a contestant again, he would report her to the network.
Hank and Eric were at the bar, drowning their sorrows over their failure to impress Chrysanthemum. Even worse, once he brought it up, Eric found he couldn’t rid his mind of the image of his mother stretching her nipples.
Poncey took Chrysanthemum out for line-dancing at Hoedown’s. After some drinks and bonding over how much they had in common, it finally dawned on Chrysanthemum that Poncey was gay (as if taking her to Hoedown’s wasn’t a big enough clue). He explained that he’d been in a committed relationship with his partner Blaine for 13 years. She respected him for that, and gave him a kiss. At that moment, Rory walked in.
Afterwards, Rory stormed into Bixie’s office, furious over Chrysanthemum’s betrayal. Bixie was also stunned and hurt to hear that Poncey had kissed another woman. Rory swore revenge.
Dorothy was showing Chrysanthemum the art of dumpster-diving, and even found a ring for her. Chrysanthemum told Dorothy about her kiss with Poncey, and Dorothy offered to prepare a tincture to turn a gay man straight. They bonded over their mutual incoherence.
Miller told Lance all about his date with Chrysanthemum, confirming her theory about being hit by a clown car. Afterwards, Miller turned the camera on Lance and pressed him about his feelings for Chrysanthemum; Lance finally admitted that he was in love with her too.
Hank went to Rory’s room to taunt him about Chrysanthemum tossing him aside for a gay man. Rory used a secret control to turn off all the hidden cameras, then asked Hank to join him in a plan to get revenge on Chrysanthemum and frame Poncey.
Bixie gathered all the housemates together for the big announcement of who won this week’s challenge. Chrysanthemum declared that she had chosen the one person who had been totally honest with her…Dorothy. As Chrysanthemum and Dorothy embraced, Rory hit a button on his watch to activate his super-speed. Too fast for even the cameras to see, Rory ran up to Chrysanthemum and snapped her neck. As time returned to normal, Chrysanthemum collapsed into Dorothy’s arms. Before she died, Chrysanthemum managed to gasp out a single clue to her killer’s identity…“Etchings!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Bixie Biederback introduced the housemates to the beautiful Chrysanthemum Kennedy, explaining that Chrysanthemum was this week’s challenge. Whoever succeeded in wooing her would get 150 points (plus the privilege of the wooing itself).
Afterwards, Poncey Highland confided to Eric von Landingham that, as a gay man, he was very upset about being forced to woo a woman to get ahead in the game. Eric pointed out that Dorothy would have just as big a problem.
Rory Manchester was showing Chrysanthemum a night on the town and telling her about himself. (“I’m not just rich because I have millions of dollars, I’m rich because I have 13 points of spirituality.”) He asked her to tell him about herself, and she replied that what he saw in front of him was pretty much all there was to her.
Dorothy complained to Bixie about Chrysanthemum’s presence; Dorothy thought she herself was supposed to provide the show’s sex appeal. Bixie replied that she WOULD be the sex symbol if she got a new look. Reluctantly, Dorothy agreed to take a bath and wear make-up, though she drew the line at wearing a dress.
In the backyard, Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was playing golf with Chrysanthemum, turning the game into one long string of sexual innuendo. Chrysanthemum was repulsed by his weird, aggressive behavior.
Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at the Hello Pizza Kitty. Miller explained that he needed this job to pay off his “guy.” Lance didn’t understand, so Miller went into a speech about how everybody needs a guy. Realizing that Lance didn’t have a guy, Miller went out and found a guy named Tyrone. Miller asked Tyrone to hook him up with a bag, and Tyrone charged him three dollars. (“Dude, that’s like 1924 prices!”)
Eric von Landingham was at his workplace at Olan Mills, photographing Chrysanthemum. She complimented him on his blue uniform, and he launched into a monologue about his life in the service industry…a monologue that took a weird turn when he recalled his mother’s job as a stripper at Stretchers.
In the confession booth, Rory told Lance about his date with Chrysanthemum. At first, he only viewed her as the show’s weekly challenge, but now he felt something he’d never felt before (except for himself). In fact, he felt so strongly (and was so determined to win the challenge) that he’d bought a ring.
Poncey went to Bixie’s office to complain about the challenge. He explained that this went completely against his nature, declaring that he hadn’t dated girls since high school. Bixie retorted that, since he DID once go out with girls, he could do so again…and she insisted that he practice with her.
Miller and Chrysanthemum were smoking pot in the underpass on 285. This was the first time she’d ever tried anything like that, and she was enjoying it a lot. They got into a rambling, stoned conversation (“Isn’t life like a reality show without the show?”) that ended with Miller declaring his love for her.
Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came in to take her first bath in years. Dorothy sensed that Bixie had had her way with Poncey. Breaking down, Poncey sobbed that Bixie’s breasts were like that green gardening compound (“you stick your thumb in, it leaves an impression!”).
Rory brought Chrysanthemum up to his room to show her his etchings, while she confessed that she thought she’d been abducted by aliens, since she found herself on the freeway with no memory. She was woken up when a car full of hysterical people (possibly a clown car) ran over her foot. Rory comforted her by massaging her injured foot. As he did so, he slipped the engagement ring onto her toe and playfully asked “Now where did that come from?” Chrysanthemum figured the clowns must have put it on her.
Lance was logging his tapes in the basement when Bixie came in to compliment him on his work. Lance confronted her about her sexual harassment of Poncey, and she declared that she did have strong feelings for Poncey. Lance warned her that if she slept with a contestant again, he would report her to the network.
Hank and Eric were at the bar, drowning their sorrows over their failure to impress Chrysanthemum. Even worse, once he brought it up, Eric found he couldn’t rid his mind of the image of his mother stretching her nipples.
Poncey took Chrysanthemum out for line-dancing at Hoedown’s. After some drinks and bonding over how much they had in common, it finally dawned on Chrysanthemum that Poncey was gay (as if taking her to Hoedown’s wasn’t a big enough clue). He explained that he’d been in a committed relationship with his partner Blaine for 13 years. She respected him for that, and gave him a kiss. At that moment, Rory walked in.
Afterwards, Rory stormed into Bixie’s office, furious over Chrysanthemum’s betrayal. Bixie was also stunned and hurt to hear that Poncey had kissed another woman. Rory swore revenge.
Dorothy was showing Chrysanthemum the art of dumpster-diving, and even found a ring for her. Chrysanthemum told Dorothy about her kiss with Poncey, and Dorothy offered to prepare a tincture to turn a gay man straight. They bonded over their mutual incoherence.
Miller told Lance all about his date with Chrysanthemum, confirming her theory about being hit by a clown car. Afterwards, Miller turned the camera on Lance and pressed him about his feelings for Chrysanthemum; Lance finally admitted that he was in love with her too.
Hank went to Rory’s room to taunt him about Chrysanthemum tossing him aside for a gay man. Rory used a secret control to turn off all the hidden cameras, then asked Hank to join him in a plan to get revenge on Chrysanthemum and frame Poncey.
Bixie gathered all the housemates together for the big announcement of who won this week’s challenge. Chrysanthemum declared that she had chosen the one person who had been totally honest with her…Dorothy. As Chrysanthemum and Dorothy embraced, Rory hit a button on his watch to activate his super-speed. Too fast for even the cameras to see, Rory ran up to Chrysanthemum and snapped her neck. As time returned to normal, Chrysanthemum collapsed into Dorothy’s arms. Before she died, Chrysanthemum managed to gasp out a single clue to her killer’s identity…“Etchings!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Season 12, Episode 2: Electric Boogaloo
Episode 2: Electric Boogaloo
The housemates (including latecomer Poncey Highland) were gathered in the great room, awaiting the program’s “Challenge of the Day.” Director/host Bixie Biederback announced that the challenge was to keep the house clean; anyone not picking up after themselves would be penalized. Rory Manchester protested how trivial that so-called “challenge” was, proposing a real challenge: the first person to go up on the roof and be struck by lightning earns 100 points. Bixie agreed to Rory’s suggestion.
In the “confession booth,” homeless contestant Dorothy told cameraman Lance Belligui that she couldn’t take part in Rory’s challenge, since her hip kept her from going up on the roof. She explained that she had her own game going on; she’d put together a collection of crickets and set up a little racetrack for them. As they conversed, Dorothy confessed that she thought Lance’s mustache was cute, but she didn’t know what to do because she hadn’t had any relationships in years. Lance suggested that she dress up a bit.
Eric von Landingham met his new roommate, Poncey Highland, the stereotypically gay owner of the Happy Waggin’s Pet Grooming emporium. Poncey looked over the room, explaining that he needed to redecorate to reflect his personality. Eric replied that they had to concentrate on the more pressing matter of being electrocuted. More than anything, Eric wanted to impress Bixie so he’d stand a chance with her…and her breasts.
Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was cooking a Waldorf salad in the kitchen, complaining that nobody appreciated his efforts. Miller pointed out that his food might be unappreciated because he was COOKING a salad. With his error brought to his attention, Hank groaned that he couldn’t do anything right. Miller suggested that Hank put his golfing skills to good use by hitting a ball from the roof and letting his club attract the lightning, winning the challenge with style. Miller suddenly had an epiphany; by attaching a flux capacitor to the club, Hank could even hit that ball through time.
In the production room, Bixie was viewing the footage of Eric and Poncey discussing her breasts, when Rory entered. Bixie acknowledged that Rory’s idea for a challenge was much better than her own, and asked for further assistance in making the show work. They struck a bargain: Rory would give her ideas, and she’d make sure that he looks good on the show so that he could win the grand prize…Greenland. Meanwhile, on the monitor footage, Eric and Poncey started making out.
On the roof, Lance was recording Hank’s efforts to get hit by lightning. Their attempts to time the lightning strikes digressed into a discussion about the movie “Poltergeist.” Getting back on track, Hank asked to speak to Lance off the record. After Lance switched off his camera, Hank offered him a bribe to make him look good and help him win. Lance accepted, not knowing that Rory had picked up the camera and was secretly filming them.
After showing her garbage-can home to Poncey, Dorothy confessed that she wanted to dress nicer for Lance. She explained that she was wearing eight layers of clothing, and the last two were pretty much fused to her skin now…she hadn’t been naked since 1953.
While playing air hockey in the rec room, Eric confessed to Rory that the combination of Bixie’s breasts and internet porn got him so keyed up that, despite being straight, he made out with Poncey…and since everything in this house happens on-camera, the entire world will think he’s gay. Rory asked him one question: Did the encounter make him feel better or worse? In response, Eric went into a heavy-metal number about his sexual awakening.
While demonstrating how to mix drinks, Rory told Dorothy that he could identify with her because he wasn’t always rich…he lived on the streets for three years. He struggled to survive by selling shoes, until he hit on a brilliant publicity idea. He advertised his wares by tying two shoes together and throwing them over power lines...and that’s how he made his fortune. Because his past was so similar to her present, Rory felt obligated to show her the footage he’d made of Hank bribing Lance. Dorothy broke down over this betrayal.
On the roof, Eric was trying for the lightning-strike bonus by masturbating in the hopes that God would strike him down. He attempted to recover his modesty when Hank came up with a flux capacitor wired to his golf club. After some confused conversation, they were suddenly both struck by lightning.
Poncey told Lance that he planned to win just by being himself. Lance replied that it wasn’t working…the networks were skittish about the gay-kiss footage, and Poncey was currently running in last place. Upset, Poncey broke into a song about how true love knows no gender boundaries. Lance was surprised that a gay man could have so little musical talent.
As Eric and Hank lay unconscious on the roof, Bixie stood over them, trying to figure out who got the 100-point bonus by being struck first. When they came to, it was determined that it was a tie. Rory came up and congratulated them, then walked away with Hank’s golf club.
In the bar, Poncey Highland complained to Miller about the oppressive homophobia he’d encountered in the house. Miller rose up in outrage, swearing to join Poncey in his battle to make the house more accepting. As they shook on it, Miller commented on Poncey’s limp, clammy handshake.
Dorothy came down to the basement editing room to confront Lance about the bribe. He apologized for disappointing her, explaining that he wasn’t on the show by choice. He used to be a cameraman for Jack Hanna, until he fell asleep on the job and let Jack get attacked by a tiger. As punishment, he was sentenced to work on reality TV…unless he could win his freedom. Dorothy agreed to help him, on the condition that they have sex first.
Rory and Miller met secretly behind the Scandal House, where no cameras could record their encounter. After removing a chip from the flux capacitor, Rory offered Miller some special hydroponic weed. Smoking it, Miller fell under Rory’s hypnotic control, and Rory ordered him to forget that Rory had the chip. Miller pointed out that he wouldn’t have remembered anything anyway, and Rory replied that he doesn’t like to take chances.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The housemates (including latecomer Poncey Highland) were gathered in the great room, awaiting the program’s “Challenge of the Day.” Director/host Bixie Biederback announced that the challenge was to keep the house clean; anyone not picking up after themselves would be penalized. Rory Manchester protested how trivial that so-called “challenge” was, proposing a real challenge: the first person to go up on the roof and be struck by lightning earns 100 points. Bixie agreed to Rory’s suggestion.
In the “confession booth,” homeless contestant Dorothy told cameraman Lance Belligui that she couldn’t take part in Rory’s challenge, since her hip kept her from going up on the roof. She explained that she had her own game going on; she’d put together a collection of crickets and set up a little racetrack for them. As they conversed, Dorothy confessed that she thought Lance’s mustache was cute, but she didn’t know what to do because she hadn’t had any relationships in years. Lance suggested that she dress up a bit.
Eric von Landingham met his new roommate, Poncey Highland, the stereotypically gay owner of the Happy Waggin’s Pet Grooming emporium. Poncey looked over the room, explaining that he needed to redecorate to reflect his personality. Eric replied that they had to concentrate on the more pressing matter of being electrocuted. More than anything, Eric wanted to impress Bixie so he’d stand a chance with her…and her breasts.
Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was cooking a Waldorf salad in the kitchen, complaining that nobody appreciated his efforts. Miller pointed out that his food might be unappreciated because he was COOKING a salad. With his error brought to his attention, Hank groaned that he couldn’t do anything right. Miller suggested that Hank put his golfing skills to good use by hitting a ball from the roof and letting his club attract the lightning, winning the challenge with style. Miller suddenly had an epiphany; by attaching a flux capacitor to the club, Hank could even hit that ball through time.
In the production room, Bixie was viewing the footage of Eric and Poncey discussing her breasts, when Rory entered. Bixie acknowledged that Rory’s idea for a challenge was much better than her own, and asked for further assistance in making the show work. They struck a bargain: Rory would give her ideas, and she’d make sure that he looks good on the show so that he could win the grand prize…Greenland. Meanwhile, on the monitor footage, Eric and Poncey started making out.
On the roof, Lance was recording Hank’s efforts to get hit by lightning. Their attempts to time the lightning strikes digressed into a discussion about the movie “Poltergeist.” Getting back on track, Hank asked to speak to Lance off the record. After Lance switched off his camera, Hank offered him a bribe to make him look good and help him win. Lance accepted, not knowing that Rory had picked up the camera and was secretly filming them.
After showing her garbage-can home to Poncey, Dorothy confessed that she wanted to dress nicer for Lance. She explained that she was wearing eight layers of clothing, and the last two were pretty much fused to her skin now…she hadn’t been naked since 1953.
While playing air hockey in the rec room, Eric confessed to Rory that the combination of Bixie’s breasts and internet porn got him so keyed up that, despite being straight, he made out with Poncey…and since everything in this house happens on-camera, the entire world will think he’s gay. Rory asked him one question: Did the encounter make him feel better or worse? In response, Eric went into a heavy-metal number about his sexual awakening.
While demonstrating how to mix drinks, Rory told Dorothy that he could identify with her because he wasn’t always rich…he lived on the streets for three years. He struggled to survive by selling shoes, until he hit on a brilliant publicity idea. He advertised his wares by tying two shoes together and throwing them over power lines...and that’s how he made his fortune. Because his past was so similar to her present, Rory felt obligated to show her the footage he’d made of Hank bribing Lance. Dorothy broke down over this betrayal.
On the roof, Eric was trying for the lightning-strike bonus by masturbating in the hopes that God would strike him down. He attempted to recover his modesty when Hank came up with a flux capacitor wired to his golf club. After some confused conversation, they were suddenly both struck by lightning.
Poncey told Lance that he planned to win just by being himself. Lance replied that it wasn’t working…the networks were skittish about the gay-kiss footage, and Poncey was currently running in last place. Upset, Poncey broke into a song about how true love knows no gender boundaries. Lance was surprised that a gay man could have so little musical talent.
As Eric and Hank lay unconscious on the roof, Bixie stood over them, trying to figure out who got the 100-point bonus by being struck first. When they came to, it was determined that it was a tie. Rory came up and congratulated them, then walked away with Hank’s golf club.
In the bar, Poncey Highland complained to Miller about the oppressive homophobia he’d encountered in the house. Miller rose up in outrage, swearing to join Poncey in his battle to make the house more accepting. As they shook on it, Miller commented on Poncey’s limp, clammy handshake.
Dorothy came down to the basement editing room to confront Lance about the bribe. He apologized for disappointing her, explaining that he wasn’t on the show by choice. He used to be a cameraman for Jack Hanna, until he fell asleep on the job and let Jack get attacked by a tiger. As punishment, he was sentenced to work on reality TV…unless he could win his freedom. Dorothy agreed to help him, on the condition that they have sex first.
Rory and Miller met secretly behind the Scandal House, where no cameras could record their encounter. After removing a chip from the flux capacitor, Rory offered Miller some special hydroponic weed. Smoking it, Miller fell under Rory’s hypnotic control, and Rory ordered him to forget that Rory had the chip. Miller pointed out that he wouldn’t have remembered anything anyway, and Rory replied that he doesn’t like to take chances.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Season 12, Episode 1: Reality Bites
It's another new season...this time, they've thrown a bunch of characters together for a reality TV show. Featuring the return of Miller from Season 8 (even though he was killed off in the Jumping-the-Shark Episode).
Episode 1: Reality Bites
In an alley, a homeless woman named Dorothy was scrounging for cigarette butts when Rory Manchester walked by. He threw some money at her in an attempt to get rid of her, but she returned it to him. Admiring her honesty, he introduced himself, explaining that he was going to be on the new reality TV series “Scandal House,” and that he would win because he’s a go-getter at the peak of his self-actualization. Unimpressed, Dorothy tossed a lot of psychobabble right back at Rory.
Former child star Bixie Biederback, director/host of “Scandal House,” was in her office when producer Dick Castleberry stormed in. He reminded her of his credentials (having worked on “Top Gun”) and demanded that she make this show live up to those high standards. She assured him that she was up to the job, having been clean and sober for weeks now. They drank a toast with Perrier.
Two of the show’s contestants, Olan Mills photographer Eric von Landingham and stoner Miller were relaxing in the hot tub (fully clothed). After a bit of inadvertent (or was it?) sexual contact, Miller boasted that he would be the one to win the grand prize…Iceland. Eric pointed out that the prize was actually Greenland. Miller was disappointed because he was looking forward to skiing; Eric tried to explain that Greenland was actually icier than Iceland, confusing Miller to no end.
In the “confession booth,” Italian cameraman Lance Belligui was interviewing pro golfer Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker. Hank explained that his deep-seated anger was due to the fact that he had 7 ex-wives, 9 children, a fading career, and he was now reduced to talking to a foreigner holding a camera.
In the kitchen, Rory reminisced about watching Bixie’s TV show when she was a kid, and asked her to do her famous bit. Reluctantly, she delivered her catchphrase (“This gonna get me in a lot of trouble!”) and her trademark pout. Turning to business, Rory informed her that he always gets what he wants, and that he was going to win Greenland. He then offered to help her, suggesting a visual metaphor for her alcoholism:
RORY: “Think of the worst thing you can. Say, a dead puppy, to start. Now think of that puppy dying again, coming back as a zombie, and dying AGAIN because another dead puppy fell on it. And THAT puppy has herpes.”
Dick Castleberry met Dorothy behind the Scandal House. He found her bedraggled appearance and homeless wisdom so adorable, he was convinced she was a muppet or animatronic. She asked where he was from, and he explained that he grew up in a bubble in Hollywood, shielded from reality. Dorothy told him that he needed to listen to his heart and stop using devices to insulate himself from other people. Dick pretended to take a call on his cell phone.
Eric was trying to get ready for bed, but was uncomfortable due to Lance filming him. (“Kind of reminds me of my weird uncle.”) Eventually, he decided to sleep fully clothed. Eric confided to Lance that he was worried about being treated as eye candy, but Lance assured him he didn’t need to worry about that.
Hank and Miller were playing air-hockey in the rec room; when Hank bragged about scoring, Miller thought that Hank meant he had slept with the homeless chick. Hank tried to explain that he was talking about the game, although he did indeed want to have sex with Dorothy.
Bixie and Dick gathered all of the contestants in the great room to prepare them for the series. Bixie explained that they just needed to be real and natural, though Dick added that they also needed to fight and backstab each other. Dick boasted of his Hollywood successes, but Rory cut him down by reminding him that his last picture had been “Dunston Checks In”…and since Rory had lost a lot of money on that one, now Dick owed him big time.
Lance was filing his videotapes in the basement when Dorothy came to visit him. She gave him an umbrella from her shopping cart to shield him from the leaking ceiling. Touched, he told her about his home in Viennice. (“Imagine God took a palette and wiped it clean, then drizzled love and unicorns on it.”) That reminded Dorothy that she’d seen unicorns eating by the dumpster at Wendy’s. They decided to go out for a bite, and possibly see a unicorn.
Eric, Hank and Rory were working in the garden when Eric noticed a dead bird in a tree. Rory reminisced about how a bird was the first thing he’d ever seen die, launching into an inspirational narrative about how he took that bird’s egg and saved it, and kept that robin alive for 20 years with loving care, steroids, and animatronics. Hank and Eric realized that Rory was too good at everything, and that they’d need to get rid of him to stand any chance of winning.
In the bar, Lance showed Bixie some footage he’d shot (showing Dorothy telling Miller how she’d lost her leg and replaced it with cotton). Bixie attempted to maintain her professionalism, but was tempted by the Red Bull & vodka chargers surrounding her. When Dick entered and started badgering her about the show, she found the strength to resist, throwing a drink on the floor to make her point.
Hank was taking out the garbage, only to be startled by Dorothy sticking her head out of the can. She asked him about his anger, sensing that he obviously wants to use his golf club on people instead of little white balls. Hank retorted that he was having a good day…then confessed that he could only have good DAYS because he doesn’t have a good life.
Miller was working at Hello Pizza Kitty when Dick Castleberry came in for dinner. After Miller spent two hours going through the list of all the available toppings, Dick ordered a medium with love and an autographed photo of Bea Arthur.
In the showers, Eric told Rory how awestruck he was by Rory’s accomplishments. Eric talked about his own career at Olan Mills and his sideline as a drummer with a fledgling band…a good life, but nothing compared to Rory’s. Meanwhile, everybody else lined up and waited impatiently to take their own shower.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 1: Reality Bites
In an alley, a homeless woman named Dorothy was scrounging for cigarette butts when Rory Manchester walked by. He threw some money at her in an attempt to get rid of her, but she returned it to him. Admiring her honesty, he introduced himself, explaining that he was going to be on the new reality TV series “Scandal House,” and that he would win because he’s a go-getter at the peak of his self-actualization. Unimpressed, Dorothy tossed a lot of psychobabble right back at Rory.
Former child star Bixie Biederback, director/host of “Scandal House,” was in her office when producer Dick Castleberry stormed in. He reminded her of his credentials (having worked on “Top Gun”) and demanded that she make this show live up to those high standards. She assured him that she was up to the job, having been clean and sober for weeks now. They drank a toast with Perrier.
Two of the show’s contestants, Olan Mills photographer Eric von Landingham and stoner Miller were relaxing in the hot tub (fully clothed). After a bit of inadvertent (or was it?) sexual contact, Miller boasted that he would be the one to win the grand prize…Iceland. Eric pointed out that the prize was actually Greenland. Miller was disappointed because he was looking forward to skiing; Eric tried to explain that Greenland was actually icier than Iceland, confusing Miller to no end.
In the “confession booth,” Italian cameraman Lance Belligui was interviewing pro golfer Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker. Hank explained that his deep-seated anger was due to the fact that he had 7 ex-wives, 9 children, a fading career, and he was now reduced to talking to a foreigner holding a camera.
In the kitchen, Rory reminisced about watching Bixie’s TV show when she was a kid, and asked her to do her famous bit. Reluctantly, she delivered her catchphrase (“This gonna get me in a lot of trouble!”) and her trademark pout. Turning to business, Rory informed her that he always gets what he wants, and that he was going to win Greenland. He then offered to help her, suggesting a visual metaphor for her alcoholism:
RORY: “Think of the worst thing you can. Say, a dead puppy, to start. Now think of that puppy dying again, coming back as a zombie, and dying AGAIN because another dead puppy fell on it. And THAT puppy has herpes.”
Dick Castleberry met Dorothy behind the Scandal House. He found her bedraggled appearance and homeless wisdom so adorable, he was convinced she was a muppet or animatronic. She asked where he was from, and he explained that he grew up in a bubble in Hollywood, shielded from reality. Dorothy told him that he needed to listen to his heart and stop using devices to insulate himself from other people. Dick pretended to take a call on his cell phone.
Eric was trying to get ready for bed, but was uncomfortable due to Lance filming him. (“Kind of reminds me of my weird uncle.”) Eventually, he decided to sleep fully clothed. Eric confided to Lance that he was worried about being treated as eye candy, but Lance assured him he didn’t need to worry about that.
Hank and Miller were playing air-hockey in the rec room; when Hank bragged about scoring, Miller thought that Hank meant he had slept with the homeless chick. Hank tried to explain that he was talking about the game, although he did indeed want to have sex with Dorothy.
Bixie and Dick gathered all of the contestants in the great room to prepare them for the series. Bixie explained that they just needed to be real and natural, though Dick added that they also needed to fight and backstab each other. Dick boasted of his Hollywood successes, but Rory cut him down by reminding him that his last picture had been “Dunston Checks In”…and since Rory had lost a lot of money on that one, now Dick owed him big time.
Lance was filing his videotapes in the basement when Dorothy came to visit him. She gave him an umbrella from her shopping cart to shield him from the leaking ceiling. Touched, he told her about his home in Viennice. (“Imagine God took a palette and wiped it clean, then drizzled love and unicorns on it.”) That reminded Dorothy that she’d seen unicorns eating by the dumpster at Wendy’s. They decided to go out for a bite, and possibly see a unicorn.
Eric, Hank and Rory were working in the garden when Eric noticed a dead bird in a tree. Rory reminisced about how a bird was the first thing he’d ever seen die, launching into an inspirational narrative about how he took that bird’s egg and saved it, and kept that robin alive for 20 years with loving care, steroids, and animatronics. Hank and Eric realized that Rory was too good at everything, and that they’d need to get rid of him to stand any chance of winning.
In the bar, Lance showed Bixie some footage he’d shot (showing Dorothy telling Miller how she’d lost her leg and replaced it with cotton). Bixie attempted to maintain her professionalism, but was tempted by the Red Bull & vodka chargers surrounding her. When Dick entered and started badgering her about the show, she found the strength to resist, throwing a drink on the floor to make her point.
Hank was taking out the garbage, only to be startled by Dorothy sticking her head out of the can. She asked him about his anger, sensing that he obviously wants to use his golf club on people instead of little white balls. Hank retorted that he was having a good day…then confessed that he could only have good DAYS because he doesn’t have a good life.
Miller was working at Hello Pizza Kitty when Dick Castleberry came in for dinner. After Miller spent two hours going through the list of all the available toppings, Dick ordered a medium with love and an autographed photo of Bea Arthur.
In the showers, Eric told Rory how awestruck he was by Rory’s accomplishments. Eric talked about his own career at Olan Mills and his sideline as a drummer with a fledgling band…a good life, but nothing compared to Rory’s. Meanwhile, everybody else lined up and waited impatiently to take their own shower.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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