Season 3, Episode 23: Sometimes Jokes Come True

And now, the thrilling finale!

Episode 23: Sometimes Jokes Come True

The real Cecil Caponé returned, revealing that something had gone wrong with the anesthesia during his plastic surgery, putting him in a coma for three months. He woke up penniless, with all of his identification stolen, but now he was back to reclaim his birthright.

Celeste was cleaning up in the lobby when record producer Danny Corntaster came in, looking for ShiShi. He introduced himself and explained that he wanted to sign ShiShi to his label, Cracktone Records. Celeste was thrilled by the good news. She offered a little demonstration of her own musical talents by singing “The Girl from Ipanema,” and asked Corntaster to keep her in mind as a possible backup singer.

Meanwhile, ShiShi finished her set in the lounge. Dennis congratulated her on her brilliant performance, and observed that true love seemed to inspire better songs than broken hearts. ShiShi agreed that love is “soft as an easy chair,” and used that as a springboard for an elaborate metaphor about her relationship with Dr. Weeds. ShiShi explained that she always sang to work through her pain, and with her upcoming wedding plans, soon she’d have no pain to work through. ShiShi said that she used music to “prey on people’s pain and sadness,” comparing herself to the vulture. Then she tickled Dennis’ tummy.

Bert was talking to MovieFone when the real Cecil arrived. Bert was shocked to see his son back with his original face. Cecil explained what had happened to him, and in turn, Bert explained that an impostor had taken Cecil’s place and was running the Caponé empire. Bert brought Cecil up to speed on some of the important things he’d missed: his mother’s death, Mad Dog’s death, and the temporary destruction of the sun. Bert questioned whether the person he was talking to was really Cecil or another impostor. Cecil tried to prove his identity by recounting a childhood incident when he threw up on Bert’s shoes after riding the Tilt-a-Whirl at Seven Flags over Denver.

Dr. Weeds was booking a room at the Luxor Hotel for his honeymoon, when Dr. Buddy and the other Cecil (The Chosen One) entered. Dr. Weeds told them all about his wedding plans, then showed them the humongous diamond ring he had gotten for ShiShi. He invited them both to the wedding, and asked the Chosen One if he would perform the ceremony. The Chosen One was so moved that he had to leave the room.

Danny Corntaster finally found ShiShi and told her he’d heard her demo tape. He explained that he’d had trouble finding her because her return address in Brunswick no longer existed, but now that he’d tracked her down, he wanted to offer her a “standard celebrity contract” for five albums with Cracktone Records. ShiShi was too thrilled for words.

Celeste was talking to Bert about their plans to have a baby. She explained that she’d read that the chances of conception were better when the man’s blood pressure was elevated. She continued explaining that, while she had her sight back, Sandra and ShiShi had taken her to the Clermont Lounge for her bachelorette party. Celeste showed Bert the moves she’d picked up, and then they rushed to the bedroom to make a baby.

Dr. Buddy visited Dennis’ birdhouse. Buddy explained that he’d heard that Dennis was going to be Dr. Weeds’ best man, and he wanted Dennis to pass along Buddy’s wedding present to Weeds. He showed Dennis a hologram of Dr. Weeds, then asked “Doesn’t it remind you of an icebox?” Dennis was puzzled until Dr. Buddy reminded him about the post-hypnotic command Buddy gave him back in episode 18, to kill the first person he saw after he heard the word “icebox.” The command took effect, and Dennis obeyed it…by lunging at Dr. Buddy’s throat.

Hanging around outside the Matchlight Theatre, the Chosen One overheard a few conversations among the Season One characters. The real Cecil arrived and confronted him about his theft of Cecil’s identity. The Chosen One reminded Cecil of all those times Cecil had wished to be someone else, and explained that he had granted that wish. He’d given Cecil the opportunity to start over, but now he’s just come back to his old life instead. “What are you, the Trophy Genie?” Cecil asked. The Chosen One said “Yes.” Cecil said that if that was true, then he had one wish left. He wanted to take over the Caponé empire like he was supposed to. The Chosen One replied: “You’ve had thirty years to do that! I did it in six months!” The Chosen One was perfectly willing to depart, but warned Cecil: “You’ll have to deal with your life.”

Dr. Weeds and ShiShi were going over china patterns for their wedding. Weeds gave ShiShi the huge diamond ring, and she was awestruck. Suddenly, Danny Corntaster knocked on the door. ShiShi explained to Weeds that Cracktone Records had offered her an incredible contract, but if she took it, she would have to move to L.A. Even worse, Corntaster didn’t think being married would suit ShiShi’s image. Rather than stand in the way of her lifelong dream, Dr. Weeds reluctantly stepped aside.

Bert and Celeste were basking in the afterglow when the two Cecils arrived. The real Cecil told his father that the impostor had some kind of mind-clouding power, that he had even made him believe that ridiculous “Trophy Genie” story. Bert revealed that all he’d ever wanted was for Cecil to take his proper place in the Caponé family…then he took out the trophy and thanked the Chosen One. Yes, the Chosen One truly was the Trophy Genie.

The Real Cecil: “But I was just joking!”
Bert: “Sometimes jokes come true.”

The whole switch had been in answer to Bert’s wish, not Cecil’s. Since Cecil had never proven capable of taking over, the Chosen One had done it in his place, and now he was ready for Cecil to move into the opening. Cecil accepted. The Chosen One prepared to depart, but Bert stopped him and mentioned all the things that needed to be fixed: the destruction of Brunswick, the death of Mad Dog Maddox…oh, and Vladimir, too.

The Chosen One: “I AM all-powerful, but just to teach you a lesson, you can choose only one.”

The responsibility of the final wish fell on Cecil’s shoulders. After struggling with the decision, Cecil chose to restore Brunswick. The Chosen One phoned up some unknown powers and said “Yeah, bring it back.” The Chosen One vanished, leaving only his robe behind.

Dennis dragged Dr. Buddy back to Dr. Weeds’ garden and explained about Buddy’s plan to make Dennis kill Weeds. Dr. Buddy denied it, claiming he only wanted to show Weeds the hologram as a wedding present. Dr. Weeds informed them there wasn’t going to be a wedding, since he wasn’t going to stand in the way of ShiShi’s fame. Dr. Buddy suggested that they force ShiShi into the marriage. Dennis scolded Dr. Buddy, reminding him that he used to be a caring psychotherapist, and that Dr. Weeds needed the old Dr. Buddy now. Dr. Weeds said that he’d forced many people to do many things in the past, but now he wanted ShiShi to want him for herself. In response to this statement, Dennis started singing “I Want You to Want Me.” Dr. Weeds glared at Dennis. Dennis shut up, but the audience kept on singing.

ShiShi and Danny Corntaster were on the bus to L.A. when Dr. Weeds came running up alongside it. Dr. Weeds shot out the tires to stop the bus. Inside, ShiShi was deeply torn between singing stardom and the man she loved. Outside, Dr. Weeds reminded ShiShi how he had put on his eyepatch in response to his wife’s death, because he thought he’d never look at anything beautiful again. Then he yanked off his patch and declared that he wanted to look at her for the rest of his life. ShiShi told Corntaster that she now realized she didn’t need the love of the masses…just the love of one man. She tore up the contract, got off the bus and had an emotional reunion with Dr. Weeds. Suddenly, Bert and Cecil ran up to the bus and yanked Danny Corntaster out at gunpoint. The Caponés then executed Corntaster for having produced “The Thong Song.”

Nine months later, ShiShi and Celeste gave birth simultaneously. As a tribute to his feathered friend, Dr. Weeds announced that they were naming their child “Dennis Jr.” (ShiShi: “She’ll get over it in time.”) Bert and Celeste named their son “Christian.”

THE END

Coming up next: The Space Station Season!

Season 3, Episode 22: Domo Arigato, Mr. Botto

Episode 22: Domo Arigato, Mr. Botto

Dr. Weeds showed Cecil a slideshow of his secret mission to Harvard, concluding with his discovery of his long-lost twin sister. Cecil may be the all-knowing Chosen One, but even HE was surprised by what Weeds and his sister got up to.

Vladimir was at the front desk when he met Botto the Bandito-Bot, the last of a race of Mexican robots created by the ancient Mayan astronauts. Vladimir invited Botto to join his revolution against Dr. Buddy Flowers. Botto accepted, explaining that Dr. Buddy (or, as his people knew him, “Dr. Amigo Flores”) had wiped out his own planet. Botto explained that Dr. Buddy moved from world to world, devouring the populace and escaping by means of “The Vortex Portal,” a device resembling a giant skull with swirling eyes.

Bert & Celeste were having a quiet evening at home, trying on matching sailor caps and planning their trip in the Winnebago. Bert tried to sound happy, but couldn’t hide the fact that he was having trouble adjusting to a peaceful life. The conversation drifted to Cecil, and Celeste agreed to try to make peace with her new stepson. Celeste suggested inviting Cecil along on the honeymoon so she could get to know him. Bert couldn’t figure out a delicate way to explain why this was a bad idea.

Colonel Buttry Butts arrived at the hotel and found Dennis disguised as a dog. Dennis explained that the guests felt more comfortable dealing with a puppy than a vulture. The Colonel told Dennis that the Butts family fortune had been lost, and that he was reduced to actually looking for a job. Dennis hired Col. Butts to take over Mad Dog’s post as the Gregorio’s bartender.

Dr. Weeds took ShiShi out to Speed Zone. After Weeds won a plastic spider ring for her, ShiShi muttered “There’d better be a diamond in it.” She then poured out her heart about how Celeste’s wedding had rekindled her own desire for marriage. When Weeds brought up his first wife’s death, ShiShi assured him she would never leave him: “Even if I die on you, I’ll haunt you!” Dr. Weeds got down on his knee and proposed, suggesting they get married in Vegas.

Cecil confronted Dr. Buddy. Buddy knew Cecil had foretold his death, but he believed his new cybernetic arm would enable him to thwart the prophecy. Buddy and Cecil fought for a while, then Buddy revealed that he had secretly transformed the entire hotel into a battle station. Buddy pressed a button at the front desk.

After intermission, we picked up where we left off. Dr. Buddy revealed that that button had just destroyed Brunswick, as payback for ShiShi’s rejection of him. Buddy explained that Cecil’s powers were raw and untrained. He attempted (and failed) to strike a dramatic pose on top of the front desk, then invited Cecil to join him. Cecil accepted, sealing the bargain with a passionate kiss.

ShiShi entered the bar and met Col. Butts. After getting over the initial shock of the Colonel’s resemblance to Mad Dog, ShiShi introduced herself, and they bonded as fellow small-town Southerners. (ShiShi: “You’d love Brunswick. It’s such a peaceful town…they have no weapons!”) Col. Butts offered ShiShi some Dickel whiskey, then regaled her with the story of George Dickel (despite an interruption from the announcer).

Dr. Weeds went to his garden and discovered a letter from Dr. Buddy, informing him that Vladimir had prepared the salad that killed Weeds’ wife.

Approaching Dr. Buddy’s lair, Botto sensed that the Chosen One had turned to the Gay side of the Force. Botto told Vladimir that he was prepared to sacrifice himself to destroy the Vortex Portal. Botto struggled to express the new, unfamiliar feeling he was experiencing for Vladimir…a feeling called “friendship.” They prepared for the final battle, crying “FREEDOM!”

Going through the radio stations in their Winnebago, Bert and Celeste were shocked to hear the news of Brunswick’s destruction.

Bert: “The people of Brunswick are a peace-loving people! They have no weapons of destruction!”
Celeste: “I don’t know, have you ever tried pork rinds?”

Bert felt a sense of obligation to do something for Brunswick and Georgia. Celeste suggested that they have a baby. Bert agreed: “If you’ll let me find out about Brunswick, I’ll knock you up.”

Dennis showed Col. Butts to Mad Dog’s secret liquor vault. Col. Butts confessed his deep feelings of despair at his fall to the lowly station of bartender, his utter poverty, and his inability to fit in the modern world. Butts told Dennis that he planned to end it all. Dennis respected his decision, and asked Butts’ permission to feed upon his carcass.

Dr. Buddy and Cecil were completing their training when Botto & Vladimir burst in. Cecil and Buddy prepared for combat, but Botto revealed that, rather than attempt to take them on directly, he was going to defeat them by destroying their escape route. Botto announced that he was going to throw himself into the Vortex and “blow it all to fuck!” Cecil used his powers to force Vladimir to shoot the Bandito-Bot. Vladimir resisted Cecil’s influence just long enough for Botto to destroy the Vortex, then Vladimir lost control and opened fire, shooting everything in sight…including himself.

Bert and Celeste arrived at ShiShi’s place and told her they’d heard “the terrible news.” Thinking they were referring to her engagement to Dr. Weeds, she replied that it was the most wonderful news ever. Bert and Celeste were appalled by ShiShi’s callousness, and they argued for quite some time before they realized they weren’t talking about the same thing. To explain what was going on, Bert turned on the TV to a Ted Koppel report about the destruction of Brunswick.

Dr. Weeds was drinking in the lounge with two guys when Dennis came in. Weeds told Dennis the good news about his upcoming wedding, and invited Dennis to be his best man. To demonstrate his sincerity, Dr. Weeds killed the two guys and offered them to Dennis as a pre-wedding banquet. Suddenly, the mortally wounded Vladimir staggered in. Dr. Weeds told Vladimir that he knew his wife’s death was Vladimir’s fault…then he thanked him for releasing him from that passionless marriage and freeing him to find his true love, ShiShi. Vladimir told Weeds that he and “Mexibot” (“That’s Botto!”) had sacrificed themselves to stop Dr. Buddy. Vladimir was about to tell one last thing to Dennis, but collapsed before he could say it. Dr. Weeds decided to honor Vladimir’s heroism by burying him in the garden, rather than letting Dennis feed on him.

Colonel Buttry Butts stood on the roof of the Hotel Gregorio, watching the sunset. The ghosts of Vladimir and Botto appeared, beckoning him. The Colonel saw Dennis rubbing his stomach and smacking his beak. He wished Dennis “Bon appetit,” then jumped.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 21: A New Hope

Episode 21: A New Hope

Cecil, the Chosen One, sent his new disciple Dr. Weeds on a holy mission to Harvard.

Dr. Buddy revealed that he had emerged victorious from his swordfight with Colonel Buttry Butts, but at a terrible price: he had lost his left arm and half his mustache.

Vladimir and Dennis were playing darts in the lounge. Dennis asked Vladimir about Tillie’s absence, and Vladimir responded that he was over his broken heart and was once again a studly man with the ladies. They exchanged some advice about the opposite sex.

ShiShi and Celeste went to visit the comatose Bert in the hospital. ShiShi suddenly noticed the bandaged wounds on Celeste’s wrists, and urged her not to take the coward’s way out. She reminded Celeste that she was a strong person, and told her to use that strength to go on living. She then tried to tell Celeste that Bert wasn’t worth it, being a mob boss, killer, and all-around terrible person. When Celeste pointed out that ShiShi’s own boyfriend, Dr. Weeds, was equally terrible, ShiShi realized she had no right to interfere with their relationship. Vladimir stopped by and put some flowers in Bert’s hand. ShiShi tried to lighten the mood by blowing bubbles.

Leaving the hospital, Vladimir ran into Cecil, who was wearing the traditional black Tiki robes. Cecil told Vladimir about his powers and duties as the Chosen One, explaining the burden of seeing the future and knowing when everybody around him is going to die. Vladimir was curious about his own death, but knew to leave well enough alone and not ask. Cecil told Vladimir that he had to kill the alien Dr. Buddy, but had no experience with such revolutionary matters. Luckily, Vladimir knew all about revolutions.

ShiShi met the dejected Dr. Buddy in a bar. Buddy poured out his heart about losing Mad Dog, 111x9, and his arm, concluding “Now I have nothing.” ShiShi replied “Maybe nothing is all you deserve.” As ShiShi pointed out all his evil deeds and gloated over his comeuppance, Dr. Buddy inexplicably began stripping.

Cecil arrived in Bert’s hotel room and laid hands upon his father, miraculously healing him. Bert asked if he had been technically dead at any point, and Cecil told him “Yes.” Bert rejoiced that his son had fulfilled the Caponé family tradition of killing his father. They hugged.

Vladimir ran into Dr. Buddy in line at the grocery store. Buddy told Vladimir that he believed the disappearances of Tillie Feinstein and 111x9 were connected, and tried to get Vladimir to help him find them. Vladimir refused, but then Buddy revealed that he knew Vladimir’s secret…before working at the Gregorio, Vladimir was the salad-maker at the Olive Garden! Vladimir started wrestling Dr. Buddy.

Dennis was helping ShiShi paint her room, and they commiserated over their problems. Dennis suggested that ShiShi ask herself who she really is and what she really wants. ShiShi told him he was starting to sound like Dr. Buddy.

Celeste found Bert packing up and preparing to leave the hospital. Bert explained that Cecil had brought him back, adding that Cecil had only been fulfilling his family obligation by shooting him. However, Celeste was still angry that her wedding had been spoiled. Bert told her they’d have all the time they needed together now. By “killing” his father, Cecil took control of the Caponé empire. Bert was now out of the gangster business, and free to start a new life with Celeste.

Cecil materialized in ShiShi’s room. Knowing how upset she was about Dr. Weeds’ mysterious absence, Cecil explained that he had sent him on a holy quest to Harvard. He told ShiShi that she was Dr. Weeds’ anchor, the only thing that gave Weeds stability…which is why Cecil had to separate them.

Bert stopped by the hotel and talked to Dennis, who was startled by Bert’s astounding recovery. Bert explained that he was out of the family business, and that Cecil had taken his place. Dennis was worried that Cecil didn’t like him very much, but Bert reassured him that Cecil wouldn’t let those feelings get in the way because Dennis was a “cracker-jack” consigliere. Dennis was sorry to see Bert go, but wished him the best of luck.

Celeste entered Cecil’s office, presented him with a bill for all her wedding expenses, then started ranting about how he’d ruined everything. Cecil tried to explain to her that he had to “kill” Bert to gain control of the Caponé empire and use its power to save the world (besides which, he brought him back afterwards), but Celeste didn’t want to hear it.

Bert was meditating in the garden when Vladimir entered and congratulated him on his return. Vladimir asked Bert to help in the battle against Dr. Buddy, but Bert refused to be pulled back in. As a last-ditch effort, Vladimir gave Bert the puppy-dog eyes.

Vladimir: “We need your help. I am only one man. Together, we are two men!”

After telling off some Little Five Points beggars, Dennis ran into Dr. Buddy. Dennis asked Buddy where his missing arm was, since it would make a tasty snack for the vulture. Buddy observed that the two of them shared a love of human flesh, then offered Dennis his left arm if the bird would join him in his quest to conquer the Earth and use humanity as food. Dennis replied that he would never betray the Caponé family, then pointed out that Buddy was doing fine for himself without taking over the world. Dennis asked Buddy what he was living on now, and Buddy pointed to the L5P beggars. “God bless you, son!” Dennis exclaimed.

ShiShi closed out the evening with a stirring performance of “I Will Always Love You.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 20: Wedding Bell Blues

Guest-starring Mary Kraft as Sandra Seaver and Chris Blair as Chick Starley!

Episode 20: Wedding Bell Blues

Dennis the vulture was working the front desk when Colonel Buttry Butts, Mad Dog’s long-lost, separated-at-birth conjoined twin brother arrived, looking for Mad Dog. Dennis broke the news that Mad Dog had been fired into the sun last week, but the Colonel didn’t believe him. So, Dennis gave him a ridiculously overpriced room.

Celeste was preparing for the wedding with her hearing-impaired sister Sandra Seaver, who was going to perform the ceremony as an ordained Baptist minister. Sandra was shocked to learn that Bert wasn’t Baptist, but all was forgiven once she found out he had a nice ass.

Bert and Cecil were also preparing for the wedding. Bert asked Cecil to be his best man, and assured him (or tried to, anyway) that Celeste would never replace his mother. Cecil told Bert that he’d found great confidence since becoming the Chosen One, adding that he now knew everything, including the future. Bert tried to get Cecil to tell him how the marriage would work out, but Cecil convinced him to take the future on faith.

Dr. Weeds and ShiShi were out on a date. Dr. Weeds warned ShiShi not to get too excited about the wedding, since he was plotting revenge against Bert by ruining it. ShiShi tried to persuade Weeds to give his evil ways a rest and let his enemy have a shot at happiness. Weeds began kissing ShiShi’s arm, suggesting that they ride off in Bert’s limo. ShiShi started to give in.

Dr. Buddy and 111x9 were having an argument in their alien lair. Distraught over Mad Dog’s death, Buddy blamed 111x9 for spoiling their relationship. Buddy declared “You’re no son, you’re no son of mine” and threw 111x9 out.

Dennis was still at the front desk when Chick Starley arrived. Dennis was so starstruck that he offered Chick the best room in the hotel, even though it meant kicking Col. Butts out. Chick asked about Celeste (although he couldn’t get her name right). When Dennis told him Celeste was getting married, Chick showed him a letter she sent him (in braille) telling him “No matter what happens, I’m all yours.” Dennis warned Chick that Celeste’s husband-to-be was a big man in the mafia (“Not that there is such a thing”), but Chick was unimpressed, having taken down the mob in “Danger Cop 4.”

Dr. Weeds met Col. Butts. When the Colonel asked Weeds if he had seen Mad Dog, Weeds showed him the sun and explained that Mad Dog had sacrificed himself to reignite it. This time, Col. Butts believed the story, and was heartbroken by the sad news. Dr. Weeds suggested they split a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 in his brother’s memory.

All dressed up in her bridesmaid’s gown, ShiShi was decorating the lounge with Sandra. Sandra reminisced about the last time she visited the Gregorio, recalling how Mad Dog kept pouring liquor down her throat and then, next thing she knew, she woke up in the panhandle of Oklahoma. ShiShi sadly informed Sandra of Mad Dog’s death, and they went behind the bar to drink to his memory. Boy, did they drink to his memory!

Dr. Weeds and Col. Butts couldn’t find any Mad Dog 20-20, so they sat down with four bottles of Little Kings Creamy Brew and drank them in rapid succession.

Celeste was nervously waiting in her room when Chick Starley knocked on the door. After Chick got over the initial shock of realizing she could see, Celeste tried to shoo him out of her room. Chick showed her the letter, explaining “You sent it to my manager, Erich Mees.” Celeste denied having written the letter. Chick tried to use the patented Starley charm on Celeste, but it had no effect on her. Finally, Celeste offered to fix Chick up with her sister Sandra.

Dennis was shopping for wedding gifts with Bert. After buttering up Bert with some flattery, Dennis asked to be the best man. When Bert explained that he’d given that position to Cecil, Dennis threw a tantrum and started tossing things around. Dennis launched into a heated, emotional rant, and Bert responded with a calm, cool-headed threat. Dennis then asked “And who will feed upon YOUR carcass when you’re dead?”

Cecil was at the front desk when a tearful 111x9 came by. Being the Chosen One, Cecil knew that Dr. Buddy had thrown 111x9 out. Cecil initially gloated over 111x9’s misfortune (not to mention the head wound from when Cecil shot him last week), but his heart softened when 111x9 told him all he wanted was a little love. Cecil reassured 111x9 that Dr. Buddy was going to die soon, then he invited the boy to be the ring-bearer at the wedding.

Colonel Buttry Butts met Dr. Buddy, who mistook him for Mad Dog. After Col. Butts explained that he was Mad Dog’s brother, Dr. Buddy introduced himself as Mad Dog’s lover. The Colonel was dismayed to learn that his brother had been a “man-kisser.” Upset by Col. Butts’ homophobic attitude, Buddy exchanged some heated words with him. Finally, Dr. Buddy pulled out his lightsaber, and Col. Butts raised his cane in defense.

Cecil was waiting in the lounge when Dr. Weeds arrived. Dr. Weeds suddenly pulled a gun, explaining to Cecil that this would surely ruin Bert’s big day. Weeds fired five times, but Cecil was totally unaffected. Weeds realized that Cecil was indeed the Chosen One, and dropped to his knees in awe. Cecil explained to Weeds that he had foreseen Weeds’ disruption of the wedding, and that he approved. Just then, everybody arrived to begin the ceremony. As Bert was thanking the guests, Chick Starley came in. Consumed by jealous fury, Bert demanded to know what Chick was doing there. Dr. Weeds revealed that he had sent the letter inviting Chick. Bert ordered Cecil to kill Dr. Weeds, but Cecil shot Bert instead. Just then, Celeste began walking up the aisle. Gravely wounded but determined to go through with the wedding, Bert got to his feet and staggered up the aisle as Sandra began the ceremony. Suddenly, Dr. Buddy and Colonel Butts charged in, still engaged in their swordfight.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 19: Making Plans for Nigel

Guest-starring John Gregorio as Dr. Nigel Nobbs (returning from Season 2) and Jed Broitman as Chuchele.

Episode 19: Making Plans for Nigel

Mad Dog was at Atlanta Medical Center, recovering from the heart attack he had at the end of the last episode. ShiShi had turned his room into a bar to make him feel at home. Dr. Nigel Nobbs arrived and ordered a scotch. After asking Mad Dog a few questions about his symptoms, Dr. Nobbs was about to leave when Mad Dog started coughing and heaving.

Vladimir was going through the old guestbooks, calling up women with whom he could repopulate the earth. Chuchelo Pachangele arrived and asked for a room. Vladimir struggled to write the guest’s name, then just gave up and gave him the keys.

Celeste informed Bert that her optometrist had said her eyesight was deteriorating, and that she’d probably be blind again in a week. She told Bert she wanted to see her own wedding before that, and she got down on her knee to propose. Bert made her switch places so he could propose the traditional way. Since he didn’t have a ring handy, he gave her his gun instead.

Cecil visited Dr. Weeds in the garden and thanked him for setting into motion the events revealing his destiny as the Chosen One. Dr. Weeds confided that only now that he’d destroyed the sun had he discovered a reason to live. He told Cecil that the process could be reversed if a person got into the laser and was launched into the sun to reignite it, although that person would be incinerated instantly. Weeds was pondering whether to sacrifice himself so that ShiShi (and, incidentally, the rest of the world) could live. Suddenly, Cecil had an idea. Since it’s his destiny as the Chosen One to save the world and kill the alien intruder, he proposed finding the alien and stuffing HIM into the laser.

Dr. Buddy explained to 111x9 that he was an alien (taking off his coat to reveal his spacesuit as he did so). He asked 111x9 to be “Daddy’s little henchman.”

Dennis the vulture showed Dr. Nobbs to his room. Nobby found a remote-control, but there was no TV in the room. Pressing a button, Nobby speculated that it might cause something interesting to happen elsewhere. Elsewhere, Bert fell through a trapdoor.

Bert landed in Cecil’s apartment. Cecil told his dad that he was the Chosen One, and that he needed help finding the alien. Bert was astounded: “Oh my God, you know! How did you find out?” Bert revealed that the mafia was actually an alien race placed on Earth to prepare for this final battle, culminating with the offspring of a mafia alien and a Jewish human. Cecil was that offspring.

Still bent on reproduction, Vladimir asked ShiShi to fix him up with her dancer friends from the Clermont Lounge.

ShiShi: “I’ve tried to put that part of my life behind me.”
Vladimir: “Well, I’d like you to put that part of your life right in front of me.”

Dennis visited his old friend Chuchelo. Chuchelo confessed that he was an illegal alien, and asked Dennis to help him improve his English and blend in. Dennis advised him to go to night school at Georgia State, and to change his name to “Steve.”

Celeste told ShiShi about her engagement, proudly displaying Bert’s gun around her finger. Celeste asked ShiShi to sing at the wedding, and ShiShi agreed gleefully…until Celeste asked her to sober up for the ceremony. ShiShi told Celeste that she couldn’t sing when she was sober, and that she couldn’t bear being boring old Doris Mayfield again. Celeste agreed to let ShiShi drink, but asked her to dress up for the wedding.

Mad Dog ran away from the hospital and visited Dr. Weeds. Mad Dog told Weeds that while he was stuffed in the locker room, he found Weeds’ plans…and a Georgia Power helmet, proving that Weeds had destroyed the sun so that Georgia Power would be even more powerful. Weeds admitted that his motive had originally been money, but he’d actually gone through with it for love. Mad Dog revealed that he only had a short time to live, then offered to sacrifice himself to reignite the sun.

Bert was at the front desk when Dr. Nobbs arrived. Nobbs told Bert that he’d found evidence of alien activity in the hotel. Bert asked him what he would do if he met an alien, and Nobbs said that he’d just like to have a conversation and learn from them. Bert was prepared to take him up on that, when Nobby showed him the mysterious remote and asked “By the way, what does this do?” Bert fell through the trapdoor again.

Vladimir was warding off a horde of post-apocalyptic marauders with a flaming mop when Dennis the vulture came by. They took refuge in the hotel, and Vladimir told Dennis that he was leaving a legacy, fathering dozens of children so the Sonovavich line could live on. When Dennis tried to point out that the world would end long before the requisite nine months, Vladimir revealed that some of his children had been born and started growing already. Evidently, HE’S been breeding with aliens too, creating more poo-babies just like 111x9.

Dr. Buddy and 111x9 were playing “Daddy’s Little Henchman” when Cecil arrived, gun in hand. Suddenly, Bert fell into the room. Using his powers, 111x9 forced Bert and Cecil to sit down and paralyzed their trigger fingers. 111x9 demanded that Cecil turn over the Tiki, or he’d be forced to open a can of whoop-ass. Suddenly, Cecil drew a second gun with his free hand.

ShiShi sang an emotional rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Celeste was being fitted for a wedding dress when “Steve” came into the dress shop looking for a job. Celeste invited him to the wedding.

Dr. Weeds and Mad Dog were preparing for Mad Dog’s final sacrifice when Dr. Buddy and 111x9 arrived, with Bert and Cecil as their hostages. (Cecil had forgotten to load his second gun.) Dr. Buddy started gloating about his victory, but was distracted when he saw Mad Dog there. While Buddy and 111x9 tried to talk Mad Dog out of it, Cecil loaded his gun and shot 111x9. Bert restrained Buddy as Mad Dog climbed into the laser and was launched into the sun.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 18: ...The Sun Is Gone

Episode 18: …The Sun Is Gone

Alone in his lab, Dr. Weeds celebrated his success in finally destroying the sun, and laughed maniacally.

Bert was amazed to learn that Celeste could see now. Celeste was equally surprised to discover how handsome Bert was, and she asked him to turn around so she could really check him out. With her sight being restored and the world coming to end, they decided to cut out the chit-chat and just have sex.

Vladimir was working the front desk when ShiShi came in, complaining that CVS was completely sold out of self-tanning products. They discussed the state of the sun-deprived city. Vladimir lamented that he saw no point in running the hotel in these end times. ShiShi urged him not to give in to despair, and to use his Russian ingenuity to find a solution.

Vladimir: “I believe man will reinvent himself.”
ShiShi: “Aw, we don’t have time for that!”

Dennis the vulture was still holding 111x9 prisoner in the basement. 111x9 asked Dennis if he was cold, then offered him a pill to keep him warm. After 111x9 proved it was safe by taking one himself, Dennis took the pill and started feeling groovy. He suddenly got the urge to make prank phone calls.

Worried by 111x9’s disappearance, Mad Dog paced around his room until Dr. Buddy came home. Mad Dog asked Buddy how he felt about faking his own death, then told him all about Vladimir’s plan to kill him for his insurance money. Buddy suggested that they kill Vladimir instead. Mad Dog was upset by all this talk of killing, but Buddy tried to win him over with a mysterious form of foreplay involving a Jar Jar Binks puppet.

Cecil Caponé conferred with his Tiki god. The Tiki told him it was his destiny to lead his people to “the warm spot.” Cecil considered this, and realized he meant the ozone-hole in Antarctica.

After sex, Bert and Celeste were amazed by how incredible it was. Celeste suggested they do it again.

Bert: “What do I look like to you? You turn me around like I’m some piece of meat, and now you just want to do it with me continuously? God, I love you!”

Vladimir was at the front desk when he heard a knocking at the trap door underneath. He opened the door and released 111x9. Vladimir was unnerved by how much the child had grown in two weeks, not to mention his mysterious behavior. His heart softened when he realized all 111x9 wanted was his parents…and a pair of breasts to suck on. Vladimir told 111x9 that he was being deprived of mother’s milk, and that he would be better off without Dr. Buddy as a parent. 111x9 offered Vladimir a pill to give him the strength to kill Buddy.

Cecil was getting a candy bar from the hotel vending machine when Bert came by for some cigarettes…without his pants. After a few subtle hints, Cecil realized that his dad had gotten lucky. Cecil tried to apologize to Bert about their argument and tell him about the Tiki’s prophecy, but found he couldn’t talk to him until he put some pants on.

Dr. Weeds was at the salad bar at Shoney’s when ShiShi came by. There was an awkward moment, and finally ShiShi asked him why he had to blow up the sun. She told him she thought she’d helped him heal his broken heart. Weeds realized how much he truly felt for ShiShi, and he asked her to come away with him.

Dr. Weeds: “Make love to me as though it’s the end of the world.”
ShiShi: “Because it is! So I won’t have to pretend, will I?”
Dr. Weeds: “For the first time for a woman with me, no, you won’t have to pretend.”

Searching the basement for 111x9, Mad Dog found Dennis passed out. He revived the vulture, who told Mad Dog all about everything that had happened down there. Then he started ranting all about 111x9’s wide variety of creepiness until he passed out again.

111x9 came home to Dr. Buddy and informed him that the “plumping pills” were working perfectly. Dr. Buddy revealed that everything was going according to HIS plan…his ALIEN plan. Now that the sun was gone, Earth would soon find its way to a new orbit around Jupiter, where Buddy’s people would move in and use the plumped-up humans as food.

A montage of Dr. Weeds and ShiShi’s romance ended with them in the bedroom. Dr. Weeds realized that all this time, all he needed was a plug for the hole in his heart, and ShiShi was that plug. Weeds was so inspired, HE sang to ShiShi for a change.

Cecil told the Tiki that he couldn’t handle the pressure of saving the world. The Tiki tried to convince him of his destiny, warning him that there were alien forces at work. Cecil put a gun to the Tiki’s head, then to his own, threatening to kill himself to escape the responsibility. The Tiki told Cecil he was their only hope, thus appealing to the Star Wars geek in him.

Mad Dog and Dennis got drunk and made prank phone calls.

Celeste ran into Vladimir and found him incredibly hot. She explained that now that she could actually see men, her sex drive had gone into overtime. She was worried whether she should stay loyal to Bert or try to experience as much sex as she could. Vladimir told her there was much more to experience in life than just sex, and Celeste suddenly got a headache. Vladimir told Celeste that he had a plan to save the world…and best of all, it fit in with her own plans. He urged Celeste to keep having sex with Bert until she attains spontaneous combustion and brings fire back to the world.

Bert (now wearing pants) found Cecil holding the gun to his head. He put a gun to his own head, telling Cecil that he’d be killing both of them by pulling the trigger. He told Cecil that he’d had a back-up plan the entire time, and that he needed his help. Cecil put the gun down, then turned it on Bert.

Completely smashed, Mad Dog and Dennis staggered back to Dr. Buddy and 111x9. Dr. Buddy put them under hypnosis and told them that he had two enemies, Vladimir and “The Chosen One.” He explained that another race of aliens besides his own had visited Earth and left “a little brown messenger.” (Mad Dog: “Tito Puente?”) He told them that they needed to find the little brown oracle and stop the Chosen One. He left them with a post-hypnotic command to kill the first person they see after they hear the word “icebox.”

Cecil went to Vladimir for advice. He explained that he had been receiving instructions from the Tiki, and Vladimir realized that Cecil was the Chosen One. Vladimir informed Cecil that that meant that 111x9 was the Anti-Chosen One. He showed Cecil the pill that 111x9 had given him, explaining that he’d had it analyzed and discovered it was full of powerful mind-controlling drugs and a drop of retsin. Vladimir gave Cecil a secret weapon to use in his struggle against 111x9: a pair of wax wings.

Mad Dog, Dennis, Bert, Celeste and Dr. Weeds all gathered to watch ShiShi perform. Unfortunately, ShiShi couldn’t think of any songs that weren’t sun-obsessed, until Dr. Weeds led them all to join together for “We Are the World.” Mad Dog was so moved, he announced that his heart had grown six sizes. Then he collapsed.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 17: I Can See Clearly Now...

Introducing Sloane Warren as the adolescent 111x9.

Episode 17: I Can See Clearly Now…

Now that they were restored to their proper bodies, Cecil and Dr. Weeds discussed what they’d learned from the experience. Cecil had gotten a glimpse into the human soul, and wanted to follow a more spiritual path. To this end, he’d started carrying around a Hawaiian Tiki figure, a monkey’s paw, and a cup he’s pretty sure Christ drank from. Dr. Weeds had found the determination to follow through with his plans, and so was returning to work on his laser.

Mad Dog and Dr. Buddy were arguing about the boarding school bills when their son, 111 x 9, returned from school. Since being born last week, the boy had really shot up and matured quickly. 111 x 9 told Buddy and “Mom Dog” that he wasn’t happy at the boarding school, and wanted to be somewhere with more feminine companionship. He showed his parents the acceptance letters he’d received from Oxford, Harvard, and Georgia Tech. He told them he was leaning towards Tech for all the hot chicks there. Mad Dog and Buddy were amazed that they’d given birth to a heterosexual.

Bert Caponé was instructing Dennis the vulture on the finer points of being a consigliere. He then gave Dennis the sad news that his criminal empire was bankrupt. Since Dennis had done such a good job turning the hotel around, he wanted the bird to do the same for his entire operation. Bert revealed that he knew Dennis, not Dr. Weeds, was the true mastermind behind the laser. He asked Dennis to help him use the laser to hold the world for ransom, rather than destroy the sun like Dr. Weeds wants.

Celeste told Vladimir that she’d given up her acting career because she was happier just being herself. Vladimir suggested that she could still have a career by being herself and not acting, just like Brendan Fraser. He then suggested that she get lessons from the best actor at the hotel: Dr. Buddy, whom Vladimir knew to be a big faker.

Dr. Weeds confronted Dr. Buddy, seeking revenge for all the terrible things Buddy had done to him. However, Dr. Buddy pointed out all the upside of those acts: Weeds was now getting along with Cecil, and Weeds had actually played the hero by coming to ShiShi’s rescue. It was all part of Buddy’s special brand of therapy. Dr. Buddy even regarded having his dick blown off as a small price to pay for having turned Weeds into a better person. Dr. Weeds realized that Buddy was right. Then Dr. Buddy asked Dr. Weeds for a favor involving the laser.

Dennis the vulture ran into Cecil, who showed him his Tiki god statue. Dennis asked “Who are you, Greg Brady?”, then did a long Brady Bunch routine until Cecil got fed up and put a gun to the bird’s head. They sat down and talked about Cecil’s spiritual quest.

Cecil: “I’m trying to find God…and he’s not in the Gregorio, that’s for sure!”

Cecil speculated that perhaps he could get back into God’s good graces by redeeming his father. As he pondered this, Dennis grabbed his gun.

“Mom Dog” and 111 x 9 were having a father/son talk about school.

111 x 9: “I don’t have to go to school. I don’t have to do ANYTHING.”
Mad Dog: “Now that’s American talking!”

111 x 9 asked Mad Dog how his beer was. Mad Dog replied, “Fine, rich, foamy…” Then he passed out.

Later, Dr. Buddy came home and found 111 x 9 alone. 111 x 9 told Buddy that Mad Dog was out “taking a walk.” Then he showed Buddy a condom he claimed to have found in Mad Dog’s drawer. Shocked by this evidence of infidelity, Buddy broke down crying and begged 111 x 9 never to drink like his parents do. 111 x 9 asked ominously, “How are you feeling, father?” Buddy sobbed that he was hurting, and asked his son “Don’t you have any human emotions?” Horrified, Buddy realized that he doesn’t.

Dennis the vulture went to visit Dr. Weeds in the lab. Weeds told Dennis that he’d finally gotten back on track and was ready to launch the laser. Dennis mocked Dr. Weeds’ desire for world-destruction: “Oh, my wife died at the Olive Garden, so I’m going to blow up the sun and freeze the world!” Dr. Weeds reminded Dennis about his OWN dead wife, a swan named Penelope. The memories came flooding back and Dennis started crying. Dr. Weeds persuaded Dennis that his laser could put an end to the pain for both of them.

Cecil and Bert had dinner at The Bridgetown Grill, where “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” played incessantly until Bert attacked the musician. Cecil tried to win his father over to the side of righteousness. The conversation turned into a furious argument about God and religion, with Cecil renouncing Catholicism and Bert making fun of the Tiki. They parted on bitter terms:

Cecil: “You’re dead and you don’t even know it.”
Bert: “You’re dead to me!”

Celeste was dusting in Dr. Weeds’ lab when she stumbled across the laser. Feeling around the equipment, she noticed it was missing two D batteries. Luckily, she always carries around some spare Energizers. As she installed them, the laser whirred to life, with Celeste right in the beam’s path.

Vladimir was changing in the staff locker room when he discovered an unconscious Mad Dog in his locker. After Vladimir dragged him to the bed, Mad Dog came to and realized that 111 x 9 had slipped him a mickey. Mad Dog grinned proudly about his son’s mischievous antics. Vladimir told Mad Dog that Dr. Buddy was not fit to be a father figure for their son. He told Mad Dog that “Dr.” Buddy was a fake who’d gotten his degree by mail-order. He also cautioned that Buddy was a gifted hypnotist, and might be influencing Mad Dog in his sleep. He urged Mad Dog to get rid of Buddy…and as a final incentive, pointed out Buddy’s $1.5 million life insurance policy.

Dennis was working the front desk when 111 x 9 entered. They introduced themselves, and when Dennis realized that 111 x 9’s “Mom Dog” was Bert’s arch-enemy Mad Dog Maddox, Dennis pulled Cecil’s gun on the youngster and forced him into the basement.

Dr. Weeds arrived in the lab to find the laser fully operational, and a stunned Celeste in front of it. Celeste took off her glasses and discovered that she could see now!

Mad Dog came home and found the despondent Dr. Buddy. As Mad Dog gave Buddy a foot massage, Buddy accused him of having an affair with Vladimir, confronting him with the condom as “proof.” Mad Dog’s only response was to suck Buddy’s toes.

Bert was in his office when Vladimir came in, beaming with pride about a huge amount of money he’ll soon be receiving.

Vladimir: “It will happen soon, unless a giant laser blows up the sun.”
Bert (panicked): “What do you know about the laser?”
Vladimir (confused): “It’s a metaphor.”

Vladimir explained his plan to kill Dr. Buddy for his insurance. Bert approved whole-heartedly, adding that Buddy used to be part of his organization. When Bert asked who would do the job on Buddy, Vladimir replied: “Mad Dog is so pissed, he’ll probably eat him alive from the feet up.”

Cecil ran into Celeste, who explained excitedly that she could see, and was taking in as many sights as she could in case the effects were fleeting. She told Cecil he was beautiful, then ran off to see some more. Cecil remarked to himself that things were falling into place, then took out his Tiki and smiled.

Dennis was holding 111 x 9 prisoner in the basement. He asked 111 x 9 how old he was, and the kid replied: “I’m 12 now. I should be 31 by next week.” 111 x 9 explained that he had been gifted with rapid growth and great intelligence due to his unusual conception as a “poo-baby,” one of only five in the world. When Dennis asked about the other four, 111 x 9 casually replied that he had killed the others because he didn’t like them. Sensing danger, Dennis started trying to butter up 111 x 9 with flattery. 111 x 9 asked ominously: “How are you feeling, Mr. Vulture?”

Celeste went to see “Battlefield Earth,” and even THAT was beautiful. Afterwards, she bought a bunch of kaleidoscopes, and was overwhelmed by the beauty of it all.

Cecil and Dr. Weeds stood before the fully-functional laser. Since he had failed to win his father over to the side of the Tiki, Cecil was ready to join Weeds in destroying the sun. Bert burst in and tried to stop them. Dr. Weeds told Bert that all three of them would be better off in a dead world, then activated the laser.

Celeste was at the top of the Statue of Liberty, delighting in all the beauty she saw all around her. Then the sun exploded.

TO BE CONTINUED (oddly enough…)

Season 3, Episode 16: The Miracle of Birth

Introducing Alasdair Faughnan as the newborn 111x9!

Episode 16: The Miracle of Birth

Celeste told ShiShi about her recent disastrous audition and bemoaned her failure as an actress. She asked ShiShi for advice on performing, and ShiShi explained how she reinveinted herself from Doris Mayfield to ShiShi LaRue. Celeste decided to adopt her own new persona: Tiffany Fox.

Mad Dog and Dr. Buddy were at their “love nest,” bemoaning the loss of “Little Buddy.”

Dr. Buddy: “Mad Dog, we need to talk about this.”
Mad Dog: “I prefer to drink about it, heavily.”

Mad Dog explained that his diet of corn, cheese and beer was all part of his plan to force humanity to evolve past the need for defecation. Suddenly, something inside Mad Dog started kicking.

Vladimir was in the lounge with Bert, bemoaning his abandonment by Tillie. He explained that he and Tillie had gotten married, but when he woke up after their honeymoon night, she had vanished. He told Bert he was glad he was able to talk to him privately, because Dennis (being a bird) just wouldn’t understand his problems.

Cecil and Dr. Weeds (still trapped in each other’s bodies) were in the lab, bemoaning Bert’s appointment of Dennis as his consigliere. They discussed their fruitless, forgotten plans to kill Bert and destroy the sun, respectively. They agreed to get back to work on those plans.

Vladimir went to see ShiShi, bemoaning his failure as a singer/songwriter. He asked her for help in finding his “inner voice,” and she reminded him about all he’d been through in his life. After a lengthy general discussion about what it means to be an artist, she asked him what made his heart sing.

Vladimir: “I am thinking about the circus. It felt like walking a tightrope…because often, you are.”

Vladimir resolved to turn his circus experiences into a country song.

Mad Dog gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

Celeste, as “Tiffany Fox,” went out on an audition and landed a gig on the WB.

Dr. Weeds (in Cecil’s body) was making the final adjustments on his laser when Bert came in and berated him for forgetting about it for so long. Weeds informed Bert that Cecil was planning not only to kill Bert (which would have been fine, since that’s a Caponé family tradition), but to humiliate him as well. Weeds then told Bert that all he needed to get the laser operational were two D batteries.

ShiShi arrived at the bar to find Mad Dog fawning over his newborn son. Mad Dog explained that he had fulfilled evolution and become the first man to give birth, having eaten some fashion-model eggs from the internet and fertilized them in his intestines. He proudly showed ShiShi his baby’s birthmark—“999.”

Cecil (in Dr. Weeds’ body) met Vladimir, who bemoaned yet again over Tillie leaving him on their honeymoon. Cecil offered to hunt Tillie down and shoot her. After an extended metaphor about ranchers, fences and rogue cattle, Vladimir agreed.

“Tiffany” ran into Dr. Buddy, and they introduced themselves. They both beamed about their respective good fortune, Tiffany with her audition and Buddy with his new baby. Tiffany congratulated Buddy and his wife, forcing Buddy into an awkward explanation about his unique situation. Mad Dog ran by to retrieve a ball the kid had thrown, and Buddy told Tiffany that Mad Dog was both the daddy AND the mommy.

Tiffany: “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You miss a week, you miss a lot!”

ShiShi and Bert were drinking at the Euclid Yacht Club. They discussed Vladimir’s musical ambitions. Bert explained that he felt Vladimir’s talents were better employed in other areas, so he wanted Vladimir to fail and get the country-music bug out of his system. He told ShiShi that he was glad she was helping Vladimir, because he was confident her assistance would assure Vladimir’s failure.

Cecil & Dr. Weeds checked on the laser, exchanged some insults, and pulled guns on each other. They bemoaned their body-switched status, and wished they could switch back like at the end of “Freaky Friday.” They suddenly realized they’d forgotten all about the laser AGAIN, and went back to work on it.

“Tiffany” went to Bert to ask for money to help further her acting career. He asked her why he should even talk to her after she dumped him. Defiantly, she told him she had no feelings for him anymore…then broke down and reverted to her old self. She cried that she was a terrible person as Tiffany, and that she just wanted to be plain old Celeste and go back to cleaning toilets. They had a passionate reconciliation, then Bert pointed her to his bathroom and told her to get to work.

Dr. Buddy was discussing childcare options with Mad Dog, when Mad Dog revealed that he’d sent the baby off to boarding school. Mad Dog told Buddy that the kid was shooting up like a weed and was already five feet tall or so. Mad Dog got misty over his son’s departure, but when Buddy tried to comfort him, Mad Dog was repulsed by the emasculated Buddy’s “bleeding crotch.”

ShiShi and Dr. Weeds were out on a date. ShiShi told Weeds that she used to look into his eye and “see the world,” but that she couldn’t do that anymore now that he was in a new body. Back at the bar, Cecil and Vladimir were going over their plans to kill Tillie. Simultaneously, Cecil and Weeds wished they were back to their old selves…and suddenly, they WERE back in their own bodies!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 15: Turnabout Extruder

Episode 15: Turnabout Extruder

Having forced Dr. Weeds and Cecil Caponé to sign over possession of the hotel, Dr. Buddy Flowers informed Mad Dog that he (Mad Dog, that is) was now owner of the Gregorio. Dr. Buddy told Mad Dog he stood to make $15 million in just a few weeks. Mad Dog’s awestruck response: “That’s a lot of corn!” (Mad Dog had been on an all-corn diet and had been constipated for three weeks. I know, it’s disgusting, but it’ll figure into the story later on. You’ve been warned.)

Still linked by the thought transmogrifier, Dr. Weeds and Cecil went to ShiShi to explain their dilemma. Alternating one word at a time, the Weeds/Cecil hybrid told her that Dr. Buddy had fused their minds together.

Tillie received a visit from Dennis the vulture, who was wearing a sombrero and fake mustache to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Tillie was overcome with emotion when she realized that it was May 5—the anniversary of all 8 of her weddings. She immediately decided that she needed to get married again. Tillie and Dennis went through a list of possible candidates for her 9th husband, and finally decided on Vladimir.

Fully recovered from his amnesia and back to his old self, Bert Caponé returned to his office only to find it locked. Vladimir reluctantly explained that Cecil had signed over the hotel to Mad Dog, but that he was “connected” to Dr. Weeds. Bert took this to mean that Weeds and Cecil had joined forces against him.

ShiShi went to see Dr. Buddy, ostensibly to thank him for reintroducing her to the pleasures of “alkyhol.” However, her handshake turned into a painful death-grip as she demanded to know what he had done to Dr. Weeds. Suddenly, Dr. Buddy pulled a gun on her.

Mad Dog told Dennis he was instituting a new dress code for the Gregorio: “Everybody’s gotta wear tassels on their nipples!” When Dennis objected, Mad Dog declared that he was in charge and that everybody had to do what he wanted. Dennis explained that vultures don’t have nipples, so Mad Dog called out and ordered some nipples for him.

Bert found the conjoined Weeds and Cecil, who explained what Dr. Buddy had done to them. Weeds and Cecil decided to break contact, regardless of the consequences. They were going to let go at the count of three, but Bert got tired of waiting and yanked the transmogrifier out of their hands.

Tillie called Vladimir up to her room. After an awkward silence, Tillie quoted Phil Collins: “It’s no fun being an illegal alien.” Then she offered Vladimir a way out of his “illegal” status.

After the initial shock of breaking contact, Dr. Weeds and Cecil came to…in each other’s bodies. Bert’s reaction: “This is like a fucked-up Star Trek episode!”

Vladimir was on strike at the front desk, picketing to be paid for every single time he helps somebody in any way. He demanded to speak to Mad Dog, but the betasselled Dennis warned him that Mad Dog had gone crazy. Dennis joined Vladimir in a united front against Mad Dog’s reign of terror.

Driving with ShiShi as his hostage, Dr. Buddy set his car’s autopilot for “the insemination cave.” He informed ShiShi that she was going to have a baby for him and Mad Dog.

Tillie told Mad Dog that she was getting married. Mad Dog reminded Tillie that her great-grandmother had warned her that marriage #9 would bring about the end of the world. Tillie’s reaction: “You’re on crack!”

Dr. Weeds and Cecil passed by Vladimir and Dennis’ picket line. Vladimir and Dennis were so shocked by Weeds’ and Cecil’s personality switch, that they had a momentary personality switch of their own.

Bert warned Mad Dog that, although Mad Dog may have taken over the hotel, Bert still had control of his vast criminal empire. Mad Dog retorted that he had an even bigger criminal empire behind him…the Gay Mafia. Suddenly, the phone rang. It was Dr. Buddy, calling to tell Mad Dog about the surprise he was preparing for him.

Vladimir and Cecil (in Dr. Weeds’ body) were searching the bar for clues to ShiShi’s disappearance. After Vladimir mistook a painting of ShiShi for the genuine article, they found a note…ShiShi’s plea for help, followed by the directions Mad Dog took down for Dr. Buddy’s hideout.

Dr. Buddy was tying ShiShi to the bed in his “insemination chamber.” ShiShi pleaded with Dr. Buddy to spare her honor, explaining that, contrary to her trampy stage persona, she was still a virgin. Undeterred, Dr. Buddy was about to deflower ShiShi when Dr. Weeds and Cecil burst in. Dr. Weeds (in Cecil’s body) jammed a gun into Dr. Buddy’s crotch and fired.

Tillie asked Vladimir to marry her. She asked him a number of questions about his suitability as a husband, until he pointed out that she hadn’t asked the most important question of all: “Do I love you?” Vladimir and Tillie declared their love for each other, and kissed passionately.

Mad Dog arrived at the “insemination chamber” to find the gravely wounded Dr. Buddy. Dr. Buddy informed Mad Dog that “Little Buddy” had been blown away onto the wall. He sobbed that he only wanted a baby for the two of them, but that it would never happen now. Suddenly, Mad Dog’s bowels went into labor. (See? I told you that all-corn diet would be relevant later on.)

Alone at the bar, Bert found Mad Dog’s list of associates in the Gay Mafia. He called up the first name on the list, and did a perfect Mad Dog impression to invite the whole gang to the hotel. Dennis came in and warned Bert that Mad Dog had gone insane. Bert replied that Mad Dog had been insane for 27 years, but agreed that he’d gone too far this time. To show his appreciation for all the good work Dennis had done, Bert appointed the vulture consigliere of the Caponé family. Then he pulled the tassels off Dennis’ chest. Bert told Dennis that their first target was Mad Dog Maddox.

Dr. Weeds, Cecil and ShiShi were driving back to the hotel. ShiShi tried to explain to the body-switched duo how she felt about both of them, then told them to turn on the radio to PEACH-94.9. To demonstrate her feelings, she called in a dedication of “Close to You” and sang along.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 14: A Meeting of the Minds

Episode 14: A Meeting of the Minds

Cecil Caponé returned from the hospital and was surprised to find Dennis the vulture working the front desk. Cecil informed Dennis that he was ready to return to his old job, but Dennis showed Cecil the books and pointed out that the hotel consistently lost money under Cecil’s management, but was making a huge profit with Dennis in charge. Cecil demanded his old job back and made a veiled threat to the bird. Dennis pooped on his head.

Tillie was watching the Crocodile Man in her room when Celeste came in to clean. Tillie noticed Celeste’s “wild and dangerous” new look, and Celeste told her about her passionate, forbidden, and VERY brief affair with Chick Starley. Celeste informed Tillie that Chick had inspired her to take up acting herself. Tillie told Celeste that, as an empowered woman, she can do anything, but still cautioned her “but watch out, ’cause you’re blind.”

ShiShi and Mad Dog talked to the bar, reminiscing about the good times they’d had there. Mad Dog asked ShiShi for advice about love. ShiShi suggested he tell her about his feelings so that they could suss out the solution, but since Mad Dog didn’t know what “suss” meant, the discussion got sidetracked.

Dr. Weeds went to see Dr. Buddy Flowers for their therapy session. Dr. Buddy continued the softening of Weeds’ image by using a marker to turn Weeds’ scar into a happy face. Dr. Buddy asked Dr. Weeds to bring in Cecil, and together they’d work out their issues with Buddy’s “radical new device.”

The amnesiac Bert/Travis ran into Vladimir at the laundromat, and they started talking about various detergents.

Bert/Travis: “You should use one of them Downy Balls.”
Vladimir: “I tell you, I AM a Downy Ball right now.”

Vladimir explained that he was depressed because it seemed like everybody at the hotel was in love except for him. Vladimir told Bert that he had taught him to love authority and power. Bert suggested that Vladimir teach that forgotten lesson back to him.

Dennis and Mad Dog were setting up the ballroom for an upcoming convention. Dennis asked Mad Dog how he felt about him as a boss, and Mad Dog confessed to some uneasiness about being around a talking bird. Dennis got up close in an attempt to ease Mad Dog’s discomfort, but accidentally pecked him on the face. Mad Dog fled in terror.

Cecil ran into Bert and recognized him in spite of the mohawk. Bert was initially surprised to hear Cecil call him “Dad,” but was moved to tears by the discovery that he had a son. Cecil and Bert hugged.

Mad Dog went to visit Dr. Buddy. Buddy offered Mad Dog his chair, then threw himself onto the bed and landed with a thud. As Buddy and Mad Dog talked, Buddy slowly sank into the bed. Buddy informed Mad Dog that his lease was running out, and that he’d soon need a place to stay. Mad Dog offered Dr. Buddy a place at the bar. Dr. Buddy eagerly accepted, then disappeared from view.

Dr. Weeds came to ShiShi’s room to pick her up for their date, only to find her passed out drunk on the bed. Dr. Weeds was disappointed to learn that ShiShi had started drinking again (“When we said I’d stop killing & you’d stop drinking, I MEANT killing & drinking!”), but confessed that he still had strong feelings for her (and that these feelings had prevented him from taking advantage of her after drugging her back in Episode 1). ShiShi explained that, now that he’s reformed, she no longer felt good enough for him. Dr. Weeds demonstrated how much she meant to him by taking off his hat. They kissed and went out for popcorn shrimp.

Cecil went to see Celeste to discuss Bert’s personality change. Much to his confusion, Celeste was talking like an Old West “Miss Kitty” saloonkeeper. Finally, she explained that she was just practicing her acting, and Cecil complimented her on her portrayal of a crazy person. Cecil was surprised that Celeste had stopped seeing Bert now that he was a nice guy, but Celeste explained that the chemistry just wasn’t there anymore since Bert changed. Suddenly, Celeste realized that, since SHE’D changed as well, maybe their transformations would counteract each other and the spark would be back.

Dennis and Vladimir were in the breakroom, commiserating over their loneliness and outsider status. Dennis suggested that they go to the Pink Pony and see the strippers. Vladimir liked the suggestion:

Vladimir: “Strippers! Women who take off their clothes for you…tease you…laugh as you leave with less money than you had before!”

Dennis suddenly lost his enthusiasm for the idea.

Travis/Bert visited Tillie to tell her about rediscovering his son. As he shared the good news, Tillie took off his sunglasses, told him he was a beautiful person, and made him look in the mirror. A strange sense of recognition came over him, and he declared “I’M BERT CAPONÉ!”

Having been invited to see Dr. Buddy, Cecil arrived and was shocked to find Dr. Weeds there as well. Cecil drew his gun, and Dr. Weeds brandished his hat. Dr. Buddy made them put their weapons away, then explained that he was going to help them work through their antagonism with his “thought transmogrifier.” As each of them took hold of the device, Dr. Buddy explained that this would help them see each other’s perspective by making them think with one mind and speak alternating one word at a time. He warned them that if they let go, their minds would be wiped out into a blank slate. Suddenly, Dr. Buddy revealed his true colors by forcing them to sign an agreement turning control of the hotel over to Mad Dog, or else he’d wipe their minds clean himself.

Weeds/Cecil: “What!” “Do!” “You!” “Think!” “You’re!” “Doing?” “You!” “Little!” “Fag!”

Celeste went to see Bert, vamping it up to beat the band. Bert was perplexed.

Vladimir and Dennis were on their way to the Pink Pony when they ran into Mad Dog. Mad Dog apologized to Dennis for his earlier panic attack. Vladimir dropped his lollipop and was deeply saddened. Mad Dog suggested he get over it with a good lap-dance.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 11: Everybody Dies

Guest-starring Peter Dusenberry as Sporvis Narvell.

Episode 11: Everybody Dies

Mad Dog told Ebenezer about his plans to join Vladimir’s heavy-metal band, drumming under the stage name “Chief Dripping Sticks.” Ebenezer reminisced about the time his grandfather killed the original Chief Dripping Sticks while riding with Teddy Roosevelt. They noticed a spot of cinnamon goo on the floor, and complained about how the hotel had gone downhill without Celeste there to clean.

Tillie visited Celeste in her cell. Celeste made Tillie whisper so as not to wake up her “freakazoid” roommate, LaKweesha. Tillie promised to get Celeste a good lawyer (from the firm of Feinstein, Feinstein & Feinstein), then gave her a couple of presents: a batch of brownies and a gun.

Sporvis Narvell, the lawyer Bert hired to defend Celeste, arrived in Bert’s office. Bert told Sporvis that he was having doubts about Celeste’s innocence, but that didn’t matter to Sporvis. Sporvis assured Bert he’d get Celeste off, whether she did it or not. Bert informed Sporvis that, since the victim was his wife, it DID matter. Bert told Sporvis that he didn’t just have to represent Celeste, he had to find out if she was really innocent. Sporvis was worried that he wouldn’t get paid if Celeste was found guilty, but Bert threatened him with a Steve Martin reference: “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid.” This went right over Sporvis’ head.

Cecil had a nightmare over his shooting Dr. Weeds. Mad Dog came in to find out what the noise was all about. Cecil told him about the shooting and his feelings of guilt.

Mad Dog: “That’s humanity, creeping into your stone cold heart. DON’T LET IT IN!”

Vladimir and ShiShi were discussing the staging of some musical numbers for Vladimir’s band “Gulag.” Vladimir wanted a lot of pyrotechnics, but ShiShi was worried that that would be illegal. Vladimir’s surly reply: “Who cares about illegal?” ShiShi was concerned about Vladimir’s new “rebel without a pause” attitude.

Vladimir: “You know what your problem is?”
ShiShi: “Do you want them in alphabetical order, order of importance, or chronologically?”

Vladimir told ShiShi that her problem was that very attitude (“Stop blaming yourself. Start blaming others! I know I have!”). To demonstrate, Vladimir threw a candle and declared “Not my fault.”

Sporvis Narvell went to see Celeste in her cell. He asked her whether she killed Bitsy, and Celeste said “No.” Sporvis was greatly relieved, since that meant he could get her off. He told Celeste that Bert was paying him in Peppermint Altoids, so he’d need some additional compensation from her: “I’ll be putting my penis either in you or on you.” Disturbed by the freaky, perverted lawyer, Celeste demanded to talk to Bert.

The horribly wounded Dr. Weeds staggered back towards the Gregorio, swearing revenge on Cecil.

Sporvis Narvell nervously made his way to Tillie’s room and confronted her about the gun she gave Celeste.

Sporvis: “You know what they’d do if they found this in her cell?”
Tillie: “They’d be upset?”

Tillie got Sporvis to confess that he was Jewish. She tried to calm down the twitchy attorney by giving him a copy of “Power for Living,” which he then proceeded to rub against his crotch.

Dr. Weeds crawled back to the hotel and met Ebenezer at the entrance. Weeds told Ebenezer he’d been mortally wounded, and that he needed to get revenge on Cecil Caponé before he died. Since Ebenezer had sworn revenge on the entire Caponé family, their plans dovetailed perfectly.

Bert and Cecil had a meeting to discuss Dr. Weeds’ shooting. Cecil accused Bert of going soft, pointing out that HE had been the one who avenged Bitsy’s murder, while all Bert had done was hire a lawyer. Cecil suggested that maybe Bert’s time was over.

Bert: “Are you threatening me?”
Cecil: “I’m not so much threatening you as telling you what everyone else sees.”
Bert: “Goddammit, why don’t you threaten me? I thought you were getting some balls at last. You killed that cop, you shot Dr. Weeds, why don’t you threaten me?”
Cecil: “All right, Dad. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you!”
Bert: “My boy!”

They hugged.

ShiShi sang “I Am Woman” for Vladimir and Mad Dog. Afterwards, she tearfully informed them that she’d decided to leave the Gregorio. She’d come to the conclusion that she was stagnating (“I know it’s a big word, but that’s what’s happening”) and that she needed to follow a new path to find her way. Mad Dog gave her a jar of prunes for the road. To say farewell, ShiShi started singing “Tomorrow.” Dennis the vulture joined in, and Vladimir bashed his head against the bar to escape the wholesomeness.

In their cell, LaKweesha asked Celeste what she was in for. Celeste told her she was accused of murder, and LaKweesha said “Girl, you ain’t killed nobody.” Then LaKweesha made Celeste dance for her.

Dr. Weeds gleefully described Bitsy’s murder to Ebenezer, while Sporvis Narvell listened in at the door. Sporvis burst in, weilding Tillie’s gun in one hand and “Power for Living” in the other. Dr. Weeds tried to win Sporvis over to his side, promising to actually get him women if Celeste is convicted. Sporvis was torn between Weeds’ promise and Bert’s threat, but in the end his need to get laid overpowered his need for self-preservation.

Vladimir ran into Bert at the front desk. Bert talked to Vladimir about his new attitude and destructive actions.

Vladimir: “I set grease fire in kitchen, then sent temp worker to put it out with water.”
Bert: “Oh, that kills me. Kills him, too.”

Bert told Vladimir that he wanted the hotel “turned to ash or some other form of rubble.” Vladimir agreed. Bert gave him a painful handshake and told him to get a haircut.

ShiShi stopped by Tillie’s room to tell her she was leaving the hotel. Upset, Tillie told her to go ahead and leave: “Leave me to the crocodile guy and my porn career!” ShiShi left in tears.

Dr. Weeds ran into Bert in the hallway. They pulled their guns on each other. Suddenly, Cecil arrived and pulled guns on both of them. Then EVERYBODY arrived, most of them drawing guns. Everybody opened fire and everybody fell down.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 10: I Love the Smell of Brunswick in the Morning

Guest-starring Mary Kraft as Sandra Seaver.

Episode 10: I Love the Smell of Brunswick in the Morning

Mad Dog returned from his long absence to find many changes…the first of which was Vladimir’s new hair. To express his grief over Bitsy Caponé’s stabbing, Vladimir grew his hair out and started a heavy-metal band, “Gulag.” Mad Dog liked the idea, and asked to join as the band’s drummer. Mad Dog revealed where he’d been these past few weeks: he was in his room the whole time.

Wrongfully imprisoned for stabbing Bitsy, Celeste got a surprise visit from her deaf, Southern Baptist sister Sandra Seaver. The two had an emotional discussion in their special, personal sign language.

An excitable Ebenezer showed Tillie the severed gorilla’s head he found in his bed, but was disappointed when Tillie told him it was just a Halloween mask. They discussed the big Jewish conference coming to the hotel. Tillie asked Ebenezer what “Jewish” meant to him, and the elderly spectre cheerfully rattled off a list of stereotypes.

Dr. Weeds and Bert Caponé met in the garden. Bert was still in shock over his wife’s stabbing and Celeste’s arrest. Dr. Weeds (the true culprit, in case you missed episode 9) said that he had seen Celeste do it with his own eye. Bert was also disappointed that Cecil had done nothing to either stand up for himself or avenge the attack on his mother. Dr. Weeds promised Bert: “In 24 hours, if Cecil isn’t on our side or dead, I’ll make sure he’s dead.”

ShiShi anxiously tried to tell Cecil that she had nothing to do with Bitsy’s stabbing. Cecil assured her that he knew she was innocent, though his reassurance was undermined by the fact that he accidentally called her “Celeste.” A shaken ShiShi said she had enough identity problems already. She told him her real name and talked about her past, growing up in Brunswick. Cecil confessed that he loved the smell of Brunswick.

Bert visited Celeste in her cell and asked if she stabbed his wife. Celeste was hurt that Bert could even think of asking her that question. She assured him she couldn’t hurt a fly, and Bert replied “I know. That’s why I love you. I never said that to anyone before. Well, I told my son once, but he was asleep, so that doesn’t count.” Celeste asked Bert to take her cats to PetSmart and get their picture taken with the Easter Bunny.

Sandra Seaver tried to check into the hotel. Vladimir initially booked her as “Nanra Neamer,” but eventually straightened everything out. The phone rang, and Vladimir talked with a guy named Randy about booking his band.

ShiShi sang “Crazy” to Mad Dog in the lounge. They were both distraught over the recent developments and the hotel’s impending closing. Declaring himself a “pro-active drunk,” Mad Dog resolved to take action.

Tillie met Sandra at the ice machine in the hallway. After learning that Sandra was deaf, Tillie said that she’d been taking sign-language lessons on-line. However, since Sandra only understood the private sign-language she and Celeste worked out, they still couldn’t communicate. Tillie brought Sandra to her room and showed her the closed-captioning on the TV set. After all this, they finally got around to introducing themselves.

Vladimir strummed and tuned his guitar until a string broke.

Ebenezer was practicing his ghostly powers by floating around the hallway (albeit a very low-flying float). He ran into Cecil, and was surprised by Cecil’s new look. Then Ebenezer remembered that he had sworn vengeance on the entire Caponé family. He leapt upon Cecil and unleashed his undead fury, to no apparent effect. Cecil assured Ebenezer that he wasn’t like the rest of his family, and that Bert is their real enemy.

Vladimir continued practicing his guitar until Bert came in to complain about the noise. After they argued about the guitar, Bert admitted his conflicted feelings about Celeste. Vladimir showed Bert a paper he found…a note, supposedly from Celeste, filled with murderous, enraged ranting about Bitsy. Vladimir thought this “confession” could make a good song for Gulag.

After visiting a friend in prison, Dr. Weeds happened to pass Celeste’s cell. When she proclaimed her innocence, Weeds again claimed to have seen her stab Bitsy. Celeste raised the possibility of a look-alike, “’cause I sure don’t remember doing it!” Cecil arrived with a flower for Celeste. Celeste urged Dr. Weeds to tell Cecil about her look-alike theory, but instead, Weeds taunted Cecil by describing his mother’s stabbing in graphic detail. Enraged, Cecil pulled out his gun. Dr. Weeds took the barrel in his mouth.

Sandra Seaver came into the bar to order a Shirley Temple. Mad Dog mistook her for a “def” rapper and forced her to drink hard liquor to fit her “hardcore gangsta” image.

ShiShi was sitting in the garden, pondering the way things were and the way they might be. Dennis the vulture crowed to her, and ShiShi realized she could understand him. She had a tender conversation with Dennis (“Don’t you remember what it was to want to sing instead of caw?”), touching the vulture’s little heart. She asked Dennis for advice, and he crowed out a “downright diabolical” plan.

Bert ran into Cecil outside the prison. Cecil told his father that he had just splattered Dr. Weeds all over the walls because Weeds had stabbed Bitsy. Bert told Cecil about the note from Celeste, then backed up: “Wait a minute, you killed Dr. Weeds?” Cecil shrugged.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 9: Meet Bitsy

Guest-starring Carrie Ragsdale as Bitsy Caponé.

Episode 9: Meet Bitsy

Cecil and Bert were still in the middle of their Tarantino/John Woo-style stand-off, when Bitsy Caponé (Bert’s wife and Cecil’s mom) entered. Bert and Cecil put their guns away for the unexpected family reunion. Bitsy pulled her own gun on Bert, but put it away so she could give Cecil a surprise—his beloved childhood toy “Mr. Bun.” Cecil suggested that the whole family—plus Celeste—should get together for lunch.

ShiShi was in Bert’s office, waiting to find out whether she still had a job. Vladimir entered and told ShiShi (after a brief struggle with the language barrier) that there had been several messages for her from a Mr. Brannigan at Virgin Records. Stunned and thrilled, ShiShi urged Vladimir to find those messages. Then they went to Dave & Buster’s.

Tillie met Dr. Weeds in the garden. She told him that, before the hotel closed, she wanted to book one last big Jewish conference. Seeing the convention as a good opportunity to find victims, Dr. Weeds agreed. They kissed.

Celeste met Ebenezer out on the stoop. Ebenezer revealed that he was a ghost, and suggested that they dig up his physical body and take out his eyes so that Celeste could see. Celeste did not take him up on his bizarre offer. Ebenezer mentioned that his escape attempt with Tillie was unsuccessful…as soon as he got out of her K-Car, he rematerialized on the 13th floor. Celeste confided about her romantic problems with Bert, though Ebenezer initially thought she was talking about Dr. Weeds. They laughed over this little misunderstanding, and made fun of Weeds’ faggy scarf. Off in the distance, Dr. Weeds shouted “Nobody makes fun of the scarf!”

Bert arrived in his office and told ShiShi that her Kenny Rogers number didn’t do the trick—he was still firing her. He then revealed that he had “taken care” of the messages from Brannigan at Virgin Records. However, he might just consider letting her contact the record label…if she’d do a favor for him in return.

Vladimir was meditating in the garden when Dr. Weeds entered. They discussed the upcoming closing of the hotel. Vladimir thought they could keep it open, using the attractions of a real ghost and the musical mega-star ShiShi. Weeds insisted that the Gregorio WOULD close, but hinted to Vladimir that they might keep him around. Dr. Weeds warned Vladimir that if Cecil kept trying to keep the hotel open, either Bert, Weeds, or Dennis the vulture would eliminate Cecil.

Cecil and Bitsy took a walk through Inman Park. Bitsy assured Cecil that she’d keep the hotel open, since she always gets the last word with Bert. Cecil confessed that he’d been thinking about shooting his father, and Bitsy agreed that she’d often felt that way herself. They played rock-paper-scissors to decide which of them would get to kill Bert; Cecil won.

Celeste met Bert outside his office. They went inside, and Celeste poured out her heart about all her doubts and fears about their relationship, even though they were still just at a platonic stage. Bert kissed her.

Vladimir and Cecil were drinking at the Euclid Yacht Club. Vladimir warned Cecil about the threat to his life. Cecil revealed that murder was an old family tradition, and that Bert had killed his own father, Chester Caponé. (Vladimir: “So in a way, he’s looking forward to you killing him.”)

Bitsy met Dr. Weeds. Weeds told her that he found her very attractive, but warned her that if she interfered with his plans, he’d have to kill her. Bitsy pulled out her gun and stuck it in Weeds’ mouth. This was a big turn-on for both of them.

Ebenezer discovered the hotel’s library and started doing research about spooks. Celeste entered, and they discussed love and happiness using an extended train metaphor. Celeste tried to gently inform Ebenezer that he’s loud and obnoxious. Ebenezer was depressed by the revelation, but decided he must seem that way because of the blind woman’s extraordinary hearing.

Tillie was waiting in Dr. Weeds’ room when Weeds and Bitsy entered. Tillie took Weeds aside and asked him what he was doing with the shameless redhead. When Bitsy objected, Tillie insisted “This is a conference call, you’re not hearing this.”

ShiShi sang an impromptu number about her dilemma. Cecil entered, and ShiShi informed him about the “favor” Bert had demanded from her: “He wants me to maim your mama!” ShiShi couldn’t bring herself to harm anybody, but feared being thrown out on the street. Cecil assured her that she wouldn’t have to kill Bitsy. He had a destiny of his own to fulfill with Bert.

ShiShi: “Destiny? But what about free will?”
Cecil: “I’ve tried free will, and it isn’t really working out.”

Bitsy invited Vladimir to join her against Bert, and Vladimir told her he was already on her side. Vladimir showed her the many silver bullets he had been preparing, inscribing each one with a different part of Bert’s anatomy. Bitsy again tried rock-paper-scissors to determine which of them would do the honors, but Vladimir beat them all with a missile (“Welcome to international diplomacy!”).

Ebenezer tried using his newfound ghostly powers to terrorize Bert, but Bert was not impressed. Bert revealed that his great-grandfather, Chestoricus Caponé, was the person who killed Ebenezer in the first place. Ebenezer swore revenge on the entire Caponé family.

ShiShi and Tillie were drinking in the lounge. ShiShi confided all her problems, and Tillie gave her a gun.

Celeste was cleaning the lobby when Bitsy Caponé entered and introduced herself. Bitsy revealed that she knew all about Celeste’s relationship with her husband, and warned Celeste that Bert would break her heart. Celeste showed Bitsy the gift Bert had given her to prove his love—a gun. (Celeste had no idea what the gift really was, but it’s the thought that counts.) Dr. Weeds entered and tricked Celeste into leaving. Once they were alone, Weeds flirtatiously told Bitsy that he had a message for Bert.

And with that, Dr. Weeds stabbed Bitsy.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 8: Meet the New Cecil

Introducing Christian Danley as the post-reconstructive-surgery Cecil!

Episode 8: Meet the New Cecil

Bert arrived at Celeste’s home for their date. As a special treat, Celeste was preparing her own unique lasagna recipe, substituting rice for pasta. They talked a little bit about their lives, and bonded over the discussion of Celeste’s 17 cats and Bert’s 15 siblings.

Dr. Weeds removed Cecil’s bandages and revealed the results of his facial-reconstruction surgery.

Ebenezer staggered down the hall, Dr. Weeds’ knife still sticking in his chest. Vladimir eased his suffering by doing his bear-dance, then took the knife out. There was no wound on Ebenezer’s body. Ebenezer remembered a time many years ago, when he was floating down a tunnel of light lined with dancing bears, then woke up on the 13th floor. Both Vladimir and Ebenezer suddenly realized that Ebenezer was indeed a ghost.

ShiShi was drowning her sorrows with Tillie, who decided to take ShiShi for a drive. Tillie handed ShiShi a gun and told her they were going on a Thelma-and-Louise journey of empowerment.

Bert and Celeste finished dinner, and Celeste prepared to bring out dessert—teramisou made from Twinkies & Nestle Morsels. Bert told her he hadn’t enjoyed himself so much in a long time, then promised her she’d never have to clean toilets again.

Vladimir was perplexed and disturbed by Cecil’s new face. Vladimir told Cecil that Bert was planning to close the hotel. Cecil was upset by this news, not to mention the fact that his father hadn’t even bothered to come to his “unveiling.” Cecil and Vladimir plotted to take over the hotel from Bert.

Ebenezer attempted to leave the hotel, encountering a mysterious gummy resistance the closer he got to the edge of the premises.

ShiShi & Tillie were on the road, getting empowered. They put in a Billy Joel tape and had an “aerodynamic moment” by sticking their hands out the windows and “flying.”

Dr. Weeds was on the 13th floor, when Ebenezer suddenly appeared out of nowhere, surprising them both. Ebenezer explained that he was already dead, so the stabbing didn’t work.

Vladimir chastised Celeste for coming in 25 minutes late, especially since they’ve booked the Tattoo & Piercing convention and the hotel is very busy. Celeste copped an attitude, since Bert promised her she wouldn’t have to work anymore.

ShiShi was startled by Cecil’s new appearance, but thrilled to see him again. They commiserated over Bert’s mistreatment of them both.

ShiShi: “Did you know your daddy’s a rat bastard?”
Cecil: “Since I was born!”

Bert met Dr. Weeds in the garden. Dr. Weeds revealed that he had completed his laser by stealing parts from the one at Stone Mountain. As soon as they close the hotel, they’ll be ready to use it as a headquarters and hold the world for ransom. Their sole remaining obstacle was Cecil’s insistence on keeping the hotel open. Bert met (and shot at) Dr. Weeds’ pet vulture Dennis.

Ebenezer went to Tillie’s room and apologized for not believing her when she told him he was a ghost. Tillie clarified, explaining that Ebenezer was NOT a ghost, but an apparition (“that’s a bigger word”). Ebenezer needed help accepting his undead status so that he could leave the premises. Tillie helped him by driving him out of the hotel in her K-Car. (Ebenezer: “God bless Chrysler!”)

Celeste went up to Cecil’s office. Cecil confronted her about her relationship with his father, and warned her that Bert would just wind up hurting her. Celeste was unconvinced (“If he’s a rotten bastard, then give me more of that!”).

Bert told Vladimir that he was closing the hotel. Vladimir tried to change Bert’s mind by putting on his sad-clown face and doing his mime-in-a-box routine. When that didn’t work, Vladimir told Bert that the Gregorio had something no other hotel does… “I see dead people!”

Dr. Weeds visited ShiShi before her big number. She resolved that she WOULD make Bert cry and save her job. (“You’re not the only one with diabolical plans, mister!”)

Celeste pondered Cecil’s warning. And pondered…and pondered…

Finally, the moment of truth came…ShiShi’s big, career-saving number…a powerful rendition of Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler.” It was a huge success, with the entire audience, even Dennis the vulture, joining in.

Cecil and Bert confronted each other in the office. Cecil was angry that Bert was taking away the Gregorio, Cecil’s only opportunity to make his own way in life. Bert was adamant about closing it, explaining “You served a purpose. That purpose is over.” Bert and Cecil both drew guns on each other.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 6: Smells Like Desperado

Episode 6: Smells Like Desperado

Celeste met Bert Caponé outside the hotel. They exchanged some pleasant chit-chat about “Power for Living” before Bert asked about his son Cecil, and how things were going at the hotel. When Bert learned that Cecil had refused to give a $20 raise to the blind woman, he was outraged. Bert started ranting about his son’s many failings, and Celeste pointed out that Cecil’s gay as well.

Alderman Snuff had Ebenezer under house arrest for shooting at him, Cecil, and Dr. Weeds (who was mysteriously absent) at the end of episode 5. Alderman asked some questions about the Caponés and Shaky’s mysterious “fishing trip,” but didn’t get much in the way of answers. (“Ebenezer sees all…Ebenezer knows all…Ebenezer FORGETS all!”) When Alderman ordered Ebenezer to come with him, Ebenezer hinted ominously about what might happen if he left the hotel.

Tillie gave Vladimir a clown nose and asked him to do his old Moscow Circus act. Much to Tillie’s horror, he did. Vlad confessed that he ran up a huge bill on the hotel’s account while he was surfing the net. He lamented about his demanding, unappreciated duties, then asked Tillie if she’d ever seen snuff videos of old men dying. Tillie offered to start Vladimir on a new career, using her connections in the porn industry. Vladimir, on the other hand, offered to get Tillie AWAY from her porn connections.

Mad Dog and Doris/ShiShi paid a visit to Cecil, whose face was completely bandaged since his shooting. Mad Dog suggested that Cecil see Vladimir, whom Mad Dog believed to be the Messenger of God ever since last episode’s “miracle of the coins.” Bert entered, and Cecil screamed.

Mad Dog and Tillie went out to a restaurant. Mad Dog suggested that Tillie meet the new Savior Vladimir.

Cecil and Bert had a heart-to-heart talk while standing out in the rain on the roof. Bert asked Cecil who had shot him, but Cecil couldn’t answer. Bert suggested that his wife’s plastic surgeon, Dr. Horowitz, might be able to fix Cecil’s face. Bert admitted his love for his son, while simultaneously lambasting him for his many failures. Bert finally confronted Cecil about his homosexuality. Bert remembered an old lady who might have “turned” Cecil gay—Tillie almost entered during this speech, but didn’t.

Alderman Snuff led Ebenezer to the doorway. They talked about several topics, primarily love.

In the lounge, Doris sang “Smells Like Teen Spirit” while Vladimir talked on the phone.

Cecil called Celeste to his office and questioned her about the shooting. She didn’t know anything about it, so he changed the subject to the raise she asked for a while back. Celeste told him not to worry about it, since his dad was helping her out. However, she did ask Cecil to order some more cleaning supplies. Cecil offered to hire more cleaning staff to give her a break. Celeste was visibly upset, so Cecil appeased her by giving her an empty basket and telling her it was the supplies she wanted. Bert entered, saw the trick Cecil was pulling, and furiously tore into his son. Cecil broke down crying.

Mad Dog knelt and prayed before Vladimir. Vladimir offered a Russian parable to explain that “the miracle of the coins” was just a magic trick from his circus act. A devastated Mad Dog cried out to God.

Doris closed out her act with another performance of “Desperado,” then sat down with Ebenezer and talked about love. Ebenezer was trying to find love for Alderman Snuff after their discussion on the subject. When Doris realized who Ebenezer was talking about, she told Eb how Alderman had led her on, used her for information, then dumped her. Ebenezer was shocked to learn that Alderman had wronged her so cruelly, and launched into a melodramatic vow of vengeance.

Cecil and Alderman met in the bar and commiserated over their respective failures—Cecil’s perpetually disappointing his father, and Alderman’s letting Ebenezer escape. Alderman showed Cecil “Old Muskie,” Ebenezer’s heirloom blunderbuss, and told Cecil that Ebenezer had been the shooter. Alderman offered to get Cecil into the witness protection program. Cecil’s response was to pick up Old Muskie and aim it at Alderman.

Bert and Celeste had dinner at a hot dog stand outside the hotel. They were getting along great, when Cecil dragged an unconscious or dead Alderman Snuff out as a present for his dad. Bert scolded Cecil for bringing their “dirty laundy” out in public, but praised him for finally proving himself a real Caponé. Celeste remained blissfully unaware of what was going on.

Mad Dog lamented and railed against God.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Season 3, Episode 5: Of Musk and Muskie

Episode 5: Of Musk and Muskie

Cecil and Ebenezer met for the first time since Cecil’s arrival at the hotel. Ebenezer complained about the unreliable delivery of his prunes, then told Cecil he lived on the 13th floor (amusing Cecil, who remained unconvinced of the floor’s existence). Cecil asked Ebenezer whether he had told anything to Alderman Snuff, but Ebenezer couldn’t recall, since both he and Alderman were hopped-up on pills at the time. The desperate Cecil threatened Ebenezer. In response, Ebenezer pulled out his old blunderbuss “Muskie.” They came to an agreement to keep each other’s secrets:

Ebenezer: “I won’t tell anyone you’re a sissypants, and you won’t tell anyone about the 13th floor.”

Doris (a.k.a. ShiShi) and Tillie were drinking in the lounge.

Doris: “It feels like I’ve been drinking for days—probably ’cause I’ve been drinking for days.”

Tillie chided Doris for overusing her new cologne (Vanilla Fields™ from Coty®), then offered her some advice about love, drawing on her many years’ experience as a washed-up porn star/widow 8 times over/philanthropist.

Celeste was cleaning in the garden when Dr. Weeds arrived. Dr. Weeds questioned her about her blindness, suggesting that he could use his laser to perform radial keratotomy on her. She explained that that wouldn’t help—the only problem with her eyes is that she doesn’t have any. After a long digression in which Celeste related the history of her adoptive family, Dr. Weeds returned to the subject of restoring her vision. If she would arrange a meeting between Cecil and Alderman Snuff, Weeds explained, he could give her the eyes of someone in the hotel “who won’t be using them anymore.”

In the bar, the new Cyber-Vladimir was explaining his electronic parts and connections (including the keyboard port in his rectum) to Mad Dog. Mad Dog indignantly condemned the internet as a “pipeline for porn,” but Vladimir demonstrated his power by hacking into the US Treasury and transferring cash directly into Mad Dog’s pockets.

Alderman Snuff confronted Cecil about the body in the meat locker, and told Cecil he was taking him in. Cecil not-too-subtly implied that if that happened, something bad, like an explosion, might happen to the car—but only the front part, not the back seat where Cecil would be sitting, of course. Since the threat of prison didn’t seem to intimidate Cecil, Alderman revealed that he had some compromising photos he could show to Cecil’s dad.

Alderman visited Tillie in her room to ask her some questions. She explained that she lived at the Gregorio because she’d been kicked out of every nursing home her kids put her in, “because I’m fucking crazy!” Alderman’s questions took on a distinctly sexual implication, but then Doris came in, and he dropped Tillie like a hot potato.

Vladimir began literally surfing the internet, but quickly disconnected after realizing that Mad Dog was right about it being nothing but porn.

Cecil was panicking in his office when Celeste came in to clean. After a little game of “follow the bell” and a brief discussion of his cologne (a mixture of CK One™ and Drakkar Noir™), Cecil told Celeste how worried he was. She asked if he was afraid people would find out he’s gay, but that wasn’t the problem—in fact, Cecil had never thought of that as being especially secret. He explained his real dilemma: He really wants to run the hotel as a legitimate business, but he knows that his father won’t let him go straight, and that Alderman will just keep pouring on the pressure. Suddenly realizing that Cecil has mob connections, Celeste ran out of the office as quickly as she could, blurting out “Gotta clean the rooms! Please don’t kill me!”

Mad Dog was polishing up the bar and inhaling the fumes from the spray cleaner. Ebenezer snuck up behind him, wielding Old Muskie, and demanded “all the hooch you’ve got and the special keys to Man Night!” However, since “all the hooch” consisted of a single bottle, and the only “key to Man Night” was just to be a man, it was a pretty lame robbery. Ebenezer laughed at his little prank.

Dr. Weeds waited in Cecil’s room, passing the time by trying to call “Blind Date.” When Cecil arrived, he offered Weeds a deal. If Weeds disposes of Alderman, Cecil will put up the funding for Dr. Weeds’ laser—all $200,000 of it.

Vladimir bid furiously for some unknown item on eBay, but didn’t get it.

Doris showed Alderman to her room. As they exchanged some tender sweet talk, Alderman steered the conversation to the stories and secrets she could tell. Doris realized what he was trying to do.

Doris: “You think you can stick your tongue down my throat and I’ll just tell you everything about everybody?…You’re right!”

Doris promised she’d tell him all the dark secrets of the hotel, “the pedophilia, the necrophilia, the herbophilia.” These topics were a bit of a turn-off for Alderman, but he kissed her anyway.

Ebenezer and Mad Dog were drinking and huffing away in the bar. After Mad Dog said that huffing fumes was his one great vice, Ebenezer pointed out another one:

Ebenezer: “I know that the owner of this hotel is a pansy, and you’re a pedophile!”
Mad Dog: “I never rode a bike in my life!”

A panicked Vladimir sought out Dr. Weeds to share some important news he found on the internet: “Cokie Roberts says the NEA won’t be funded!” Dr. Weeds was visibly upset.

Tillie and Celeste had some ice cream at Ben & Jerry’s. After Tillie asserted that Ben & Jerry are Jewish, Celeste agreed: “This tastes so good, they gotta be Jewish!” Tillie got upset (“Tell me, how does ‘Jewish’ taste?”), but Celeste explained she was just trying to go along with Tillie’s perpetual Jewish-pride observations. Celeste then led the other patrons in a toast to Judaism.

Dr. Weeds casually ambushed Alderman Snuff in the hallway. Alderman tried to persuade Weeds to join the side of the law—after all, he did show him to the body in the meat locker. However, Weeds told Alderman that that evidence would disappear unless Alderman met his price—a price the Caponés could meet. Cecil arrived and predicted “Someone’s about to die!” Alderman pulled out his gun and agreed. Dr. Weeds objected: “I’m the killer in this show!” But from the wings, Ebenezer took careful aim with Old Muskie…and fired. But who did he hit?

TO BE CONTINUED...