Episode 11: Gamma Radiation, Hanna Degradation
In the production office, producer Vivian LaDouche was shouting at Lance Belligui, ranting that Lance’s shoddy camerawork was bringing down the show’s ratings. Vivian warned him that he was going to bring up the ratings, even if it kills Lance.
Gardening in the backyard, Poncey Highland was surprised by the arrival of Jack Hanna, carrying a miniature moose and an albino gibbon. Poncey was thrilled to meet one of People Magazine’s 25 Sexiest Men of 1996. In between spouting fun facts about various animals (“Did you know that some fleas have Y-shaped penises?”), Hanna asked where he could find the show’s cameraman.
In the alley, Miller was telling Dorothy about his career prospects at Hello Pizza Kitty when insurance salesman Oral Hanks suddenly dropped in from the sky. After introducing himself, he offered them some reality-show insurance, citing the fact that 9 out of 10 reality-show contestants get horribly maimed. From this show’s track record, Dorothy could believe those figures.
Lance Belligui was fuming in the game room when Jack Hanna entered, accompanied by ominous music. When Lance demanded to know what Hanna had done with Lance’s wife, Hanna assured him that she was safe. A flashback revealed the reason for Hanna’s grudge against Lance: While filming an episode of “Animal Adventures,” Lance stood by filming, doing nothing to help while Jack Hanna was stampeded by zebras.
In the bar, Miller introduced Oral Hanks to Poncey (who had adopted the albino gibbon “Nibbles”). Poncey dismissed Oral as a huckster, but Oral insisted that accidents could happen at any time, like that chair that’s about to fall from the ceiling. While everyone was looking up, Oral grabbed a chair and hit Nibbles. They attempted CPR, but Miller snapped Nibbles’ neck in the process.
Vivian LaDouche, explaining the concept of corporate sponsorship to Dorothy, told her to try their sponsor’s new product, Coca-Cola Blak, then share her honest reaction. She took a swig and immediately spit it out. (“That’s my honest reaction.”) Vivian warned her not to fuck with Coca-Cola.
In the hallway, Lance ran into Oral Hanks (literally), who offered him some anti-collision insurance. Hysterically, Lance cried that his wife had been kidnapped, and Oral sold him some kidnapped-wife insurance. Lance explained that she had been taken by the world’s most evil man, a man who knew nothing of compassion. Oral replied “Oh, Jack Hanna!”
Miller and Poncey were waiting in the veterinary emergency room, waiting for news on Nibbles’ condition. Miller apologized for breaking the gibbon’s neck, explaining that he thought Nibbles needed chiropractic. Poncey didn’t buy it, and Miller finally admitted that he was jealous of the affection Nibbles gave Poncey. Miller was concerned that his violent urges, long suppressed by pot-smoking, were starting to come out. He needed some way of controlling his inner raging beast…like maybe gamma radiation.
Later, Vivian was relaxing in the hot tub when Miller arrived. Repeating his corporate-sponsorship pitch, Vivian asked Miller to try new Coke Blak. Tasting it, Miller declared that it was everything he ever wanted in life. Just then, Poncey rushed in, shouting a warning that Coke Blak is made with gamma rays. Miller began to transform into a rampaging hulk, smashing the hot tub (with Vivian still inside).
Jack Hanna was letting his moose graze on the eucalyptus tree in the garden when Dorothy entered. Enchanted by the animals, Dorothy got a kiss on the cheek from the tiger cub, then climbed on the moose’s back for a ride. Suddenly, the Miller-Hulk ran through, destroying the tree. Hanna threw himself on Dorothy to protect her. Once the danger had passed, they kissed passionately.
Poncey ran down to the basement to warn Lance that they were in danger. Lance asked if it was Jack Hanna, and Poncey explained that it was worse: Miller had hulked out and was smashing all the set pieces. Poncey then backed up and asked Lance what he meant by that remark about Jack Hanna. Lance explained the situation, and Poncey helped him devise a plan to get rid of Jack Hanna. Poncey would seduce Hanna and slip some weed in his crotch, so that the Miller-Hulk would destroy Jack to get to it.
In the garden, Dorothy and Jack Hanna were relaxing in post-coital bliss while Jack whispered animal facts in her ear (“Did you know the swan is the only bird with a penis?”). She was having guilt feelings about their encounter, since she’d been having an on-again/off-again relationship with Lance. Shocked by the revelation that she had slept with his arch-enemy, Hanna rose up in anger…but couldn’t stay mad when she assumed a mating-display position.
In the hallway, Lance ran into Vivian. Impressed by Lance’s fury at Jack Hanna (“Did you know Jack Hanna is the only man without a penis?”), Vivian filmed Lance’s explanation of his vendetta. Vivian encouraged Lance to kill Jack (and boost the ratings), but Lance replied that he wouldn’t…at least, he wouldn’t do it HIMSELF.
Poncey informed Oral Hanks that he was about to go on a dangerous mission, and could use some insurance. Immediately guessing what that mission was, Oral offered to help him take down Jack Hanna.
Torn between Lance and Jack Hanna, Dorothy sang a song to Jesus asking advice. Suddenly, Miller-Hulk came rampaging through, but upon seeing Dorothy, he stopped in his tracks and uttered “Friend?” Dorothy asked if there was any way she could help him, and he grunted “Backrub.”
Jack Hanna was herding his animals in the great room when Poncey and Oral Hanks entered. Hanna began to use his Sexiest-Man-of-1996 charisma to distract Poncey, but Oral whacked Hanna with his briefcase, then shouted out to the Hulk. Hearing the call, Miller punched out Dorothy and ran over to the great room. Jack Hanna regained consciousness just as Miller-Hulk went for his pants.
Coming to, Dorothy heard muffled yells coming from nearby. Following the sound, she discovered a bound woman with duct-tape covering her mouth. Realizing that this was Lance’s wife, Dorothy answered her pleas: “I’m not untying you, bitch!”
Despite having been buggered by the Hulk, Jack Hanna remained defiant. He pulled a lever, causing Oral Hanks to plunge through a trapdoor into a bottomless pit. Hanna then used his power to summon all his animals and make them attack Miller-Hulk.
Dorothy finally relented and removed the duct-tape from Mrs. Belligui’s mouth (though she remained tied up), just as Lance entered. Before they could confront each other, Jack Hanna entered and began taunting Lance. (“I survived getting fucked by the Hulk! You think you can take me down?”) Before he could get his revenge, the day was saved when Oral Hanks suddenly fell from the sky (having fallen all the way through the earth and back again) and landed on Jack Hanna. As soon as Hanna was down, Miller-Hulk ran in for more.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label oral hanks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label oral hanks. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Season 8, Episode 16: Twenty Years Later
Episode 16: Twenty Years Later
The year is 2011, and Little Five Points High is preparing for the Class of 1991’s 20-year reunion. Principal Spoon (recuperating from his latest stroke) and Mr. (formerly Ms.) Munsen-Meyer stood by the lockers, reminiscing about old times. Munsen-Meyer recalled all those years he had spent lying to himself and living as a woman, and Spoon sang a slow, sad song about the passage of time.
At the Tasker Mansion, Owen Tasker and Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker were getting ready for the reunion. Sterling was reluctant to return to the school, and was only willing to go because Owen had promised her more Botox treatments. Owen was eager to survey the school property once more, since it was the one piece of real estate in Little Five Points he didn’t yet own. Once it was his, he would tear down the school and build a Wal-Mart.
Joe Luderman, P.I., ran into Todd Schrader, who had just flown in from Tonga and was still wearing his jungle garb. Joe and Todd hadn’t seen each other since they fought on opposite sides in the great Mustache Wars, but now greeted each other as friends. Todd explained that his wife, Gwendolyn Pinchot-Schrader, was unable to attend the reunion as she couldn’t get away from her duties teaching sign language to Tongan Death-Apes. Joe remarked that he hadn’t gone to the reunion of the high school he actually graduated from, but he couldn’t pass up this reunion because he considered his undercover days at L5PH to be his REAL high school.
Mr. Cook was reminiscing in a classroom when former Assistant Coach Damon walked in, looking considerably worse for wear. Damon explained that, after leaving the school, he had joined the Harlem Dodgeballers…or, rather, the Dodgeballers’ sister team that always played them. After 9 years of constantly losing to the Dodgeballers’ wacky antics, he finally realized that it was fixed, so he quit. He’d been just barely scraping by ever since, but he had come back because he’d heard that somebody was planning on buying Little Five Points High and eliminating the last vestige of public education in Georgia. Cook observed that, as bedraggled as Damon was, his package was larger than ever. Damon explained that he’d taken a dodgeball in the gut, forcing his intestines into his scrotum.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker was on the roof, reminiscing. Just then, Oral Hanks from Josten’s arrived. Sterling was surprised to see him, and remarked that the idea of the class ring salesman coming for the reunion was just really stupid.
ORAL: “Well, one man’s stupidity is another man’s idiocy…and that man is me.”
Oral offered Sterling a treatment even better than Botox…some super-DNA that can make her immortal. His price: Half a million dollars.
STERLING: “Ha! Half a million means nothing to me!”
ORAL: “Oh, did I say half a million? I meant a million.”
STERLING: “A million and a half and that’s my final offer.”
ORAL: “You’ve haggled me into submission.”
Principal Spoon met with Owen Tasker in the Tasker Towers offices. Spoon told Owen that Little Five Points High would never be sold as long as Spoon lived. Owen replied that that wouldn’t be much longer, considering what bad shape Spoon was in…one more stroke would likely finish him off. Owen then called in somebody to change Spoon’s mind. In walked a huge, menacing red creature with a big gun. Owen introduced it as Nekon, the Wal-Monster…a new corporate mascot that more accurately reflects the company’s goals, replacing that silly smiley-face. Unable to resist Nekon, Spoon signed away the school. Owen then ordered Nekon to take Spoon away and kill him.
Todd Schrader was hanging out on the gravity-ball field (formerly the football field from his jock days), when he received an incoming transmission from Gwen in Tonga. They attempted a conversation, but Gwen didn’t appear to be able to understand Todd’s responses.
Joe Luderman and Mr. Munsen-Meyer ran into each other in the cafeteria. Joe wasn’t prepared to call Munsen-Meyer “Mr.” yet, even though it was their sexual encounter that had caused Munsen-Meyer to accept his masculinity. Joe observed that gazing at Munsen-Meyer was like looking into a mirror…especially since they now both had the same mustache. Munsen-Meyer replied that he had indeed patterned his new life after Joe. Touched, Joe agreed to have coffee with him.
Oral Hanks met with Mr. Cook to discuss the school’s future. Oral revealed that Owen’s plans didn’t stop with Little Five Points High: he was going to turn the whole of Little Five Points into a Wal-Mart, and would force all the homeless people to work as greeters…even Wolf from the corner of Ponce & Briarcliff. They agreed that he must be stopped. Oral mentioned that he’d had military training during the Mustache Wars (which were kicked off by President Kerry’s decision to grow facial hair), but he couldn’t do it alone. They needed to build a Coalition of the Willing.
In the streets of Little Five Points, there is a legend of a long-forgotten hero who would re-emerge in the city’s darkest hour. Could the time have come for…the Fighting Panhandler?
Former Assistant Coach Damon went to the penthouse of Tasker Towers to confront Owen. Damon informed Owen that, if the school closed, he would carry on the cause of education by going door-to-door as a home-schooling gym teacher. Bored with Damon’s defiance, Owen called in Nekon. Damon immediately surrendered.
Principal Spoon was languishing in the dungeon of Tasker Towers when the Fighting Panhandler suddenly burst in and rescued him.
On the roof, Oral Hanks tried to persuade Joe to join the Coalition of the Willing. Joe replied that his fighting days were over, and that he was now proud to be a pussy. However, he changed his mind when Oral described a vision of Little Five Points as a giant Wal-Mart. Oral then offered Joe a sample of super-DNA that would make him 30% invulnerable. (“Now, you might think this DNA tastes like my semen…well, that’s accurate.”)
Todd Schrader smashed down the door of Owen’s office to confront him. Todd told Owen that he didn’t care if his resistance cost him his life, as he was at peace with his jungle gods. Owen replied that he knew what Todd DID care about…and with that, he pulled out a cute and cuddly Tongan Death-Ape, then snapped its neck. Owen told Todd that he had a whole truckload of apes in captivity, and he’d snap all their necks. Then he’d fly down to Tonga and do the same to Gwen. Owen went into a happy neck-snappin’ dance.
Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were reminiscing about old times. Cook told Munsen-Meyer that he’d always suspected there was something masculine about “her”…maybe it was that time he walked in on him naked in the office. Cook reflected on his own rich, full life, which included winning a Nobel Peace Prize for saving Jimmy Carter’s life. He asked Munsen-Meyer to join the Coalition of the Willing.
Principal Spoon, Oral Hanks, Joe Luderman and the Fighting Panhandler were planning their assault on Tasker Towers. Joe would dress up as a girl and create a distration, while the Panhandler drives a truck full of dynamite into the nearby power station. (The Panhandler was eager to carry out his part, even after it was pointed out that it would kill him.) Just then, Mr. Cook arrived with their secret weapon…Pepper the dodgeball. However, there was only one person who could wield Pepper efficiently: Former Assistant Coach Damon. They needed to find Damon and bring him to their side. Joe asked if he still needed to dress up as a girl.
Meanwhile, Damon confronted Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker about her Botox dependency. She told him that Oral Hanks had offered her something even better than Botox. Damon couldn’t remember how many times he’d fallen for that trick.
Principal Spoon and Mr. Cook were scaling the walls of Tasker Towers when Todd Schrader confronted them. He explained that he had no choice but to serve Owen, as the lives of thousands of Tongan Death-Apes were at stake. Spoon turned to Cook and revealed a bizarre fact about his affliction: Whenever he has a stroke, he also passes it on to anybody he’s in contact with when it hits him. Following Spoon’s request, Cook threw Pepper the dodgeball at Spoon, simultaneously inducing a stroke and knocking him into Todd.
Joe Luderman (in drag) and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were sneaking through the tower to create a diversion when former Assistant Coach Damon appeared. Damon was initially taken aback to see that Munsen-Meyer was a man, but soon regained his composure and called upon dark forces to summon Pepper to his hand. In a slow-motion fight scene, Damon hurled Pepper at Joe’s head. Joe withstood this injury, but just as he was about to take out Damon, Pepper ricocheted and struck Joe in the back, finishing him off.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker confronted her husband about his evil plans, telling him that no Wal-Mart was worth human lives. Owen replied that this wasn’t about Wal-Mart, it was about getting revenge on everybody who mistreated him in high school. Just then, a truck crashed through the window. Mr. Cook, Oral Hanks, and the Fighting Panhandler emerged from the truck. Everybody else who was still alive rushed in after hearing the crash, and the final face-off began. Sterling attempted to defuse the violence, but Owen ordered Nekon to shoot her if she got in the way of his true targets. Stunned that Owen was willing to sacrifice her, Sterling joined the Coalition of the Willing. With the battle lines drawn, chaos ensued. Nekon and the Panhandler engaged in a mascot-on-mascot struggle. The battle carried Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer out of the room, and shortly afterwards the detached wheels of Mr. Cook’s wheelchair rolled by, hinting at some horrific fate. Sterling was killed by a stray bullet. Distraught by her death, Damon rejoined the side of good. He tried to subdue Nekon by throwing Pepper at it, to no effect. Owen retrieved Pepper and hurled it at the stroke-afflicted Todd Schrader, killing him. In desperation, Damon reached into his shorts and pulled out his own intestines to strangle Nekon, destroying the Wal-Monster at the cost of his own life. Oral Hanks knelt beside the mortally-injured Fighting Panhandler, who passed along his oversize mascot glove-hand to Oral. Using the power of the Panhandler hand, Oral Hanks ripped out Owen’s heart. Left as the only survivor, Oral Hanks surveyed the carnage and delivered a moving speech.
ORAL: “You can’t tear out the heart of Little Five Points. Sometimes that heart smells of patchouli, sometimes it throws up on you at 3 AM…but it’s always beating. As I look at all these dead people, I know that they didn’t die in vain, because they saved the heart of Atlanta…these Little Points of Five.”
THE END
The year is 2011, and Little Five Points High is preparing for the Class of 1991’s 20-year reunion. Principal Spoon (recuperating from his latest stroke) and Mr. (formerly Ms.) Munsen-Meyer stood by the lockers, reminiscing about old times. Munsen-Meyer recalled all those years he had spent lying to himself and living as a woman, and Spoon sang a slow, sad song about the passage of time.
At the Tasker Mansion, Owen Tasker and Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker were getting ready for the reunion. Sterling was reluctant to return to the school, and was only willing to go because Owen had promised her more Botox treatments. Owen was eager to survey the school property once more, since it was the one piece of real estate in Little Five Points he didn’t yet own. Once it was his, he would tear down the school and build a Wal-Mart.
Joe Luderman, P.I., ran into Todd Schrader, who had just flown in from Tonga and was still wearing his jungle garb. Joe and Todd hadn’t seen each other since they fought on opposite sides in the great Mustache Wars, but now greeted each other as friends. Todd explained that his wife, Gwendolyn Pinchot-Schrader, was unable to attend the reunion as she couldn’t get away from her duties teaching sign language to Tongan Death-Apes. Joe remarked that he hadn’t gone to the reunion of the high school he actually graduated from, but he couldn’t pass up this reunion because he considered his undercover days at L5PH to be his REAL high school.
Mr. Cook was reminiscing in a classroom when former Assistant Coach Damon walked in, looking considerably worse for wear. Damon explained that, after leaving the school, he had joined the Harlem Dodgeballers…or, rather, the Dodgeballers’ sister team that always played them. After 9 years of constantly losing to the Dodgeballers’ wacky antics, he finally realized that it was fixed, so he quit. He’d been just barely scraping by ever since, but he had come back because he’d heard that somebody was planning on buying Little Five Points High and eliminating the last vestige of public education in Georgia. Cook observed that, as bedraggled as Damon was, his package was larger than ever. Damon explained that he’d taken a dodgeball in the gut, forcing his intestines into his scrotum.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker was on the roof, reminiscing. Just then, Oral Hanks from Josten’s arrived. Sterling was surprised to see him, and remarked that the idea of the class ring salesman coming for the reunion was just really stupid.
ORAL: “Well, one man’s stupidity is another man’s idiocy…and that man is me.”
Oral offered Sterling a treatment even better than Botox…some super-DNA that can make her immortal. His price: Half a million dollars.
STERLING: “Ha! Half a million means nothing to me!”
ORAL: “Oh, did I say half a million? I meant a million.”
STERLING: “A million and a half and that’s my final offer.”
ORAL: “You’ve haggled me into submission.”
Principal Spoon met with Owen Tasker in the Tasker Towers offices. Spoon told Owen that Little Five Points High would never be sold as long as Spoon lived. Owen replied that that wouldn’t be much longer, considering what bad shape Spoon was in…one more stroke would likely finish him off. Owen then called in somebody to change Spoon’s mind. In walked a huge, menacing red creature with a big gun. Owen introduced it as Nekon, the Wal-Monster…a new corporate mascot that more accurately reflects the company’s goals, replacing that silly smiley-face. Unable to resist Nekon, Spoon signed away the school. Owen then ordered Nekon to take Spoon away and kill him.
Todd Schrader was hanging out on the gravity-ball field (formerly the football field from his jock days), when he received an incoming transmission from Gwen in Tonga. They attempted a conversation, but Gwen didn’t appear to be able to understand Todd’s responses.
Joe Luderman and Mr. Munsen-Meyer ran into each other in the cafeteria. Joe wasn’t prepared to call Munsen-Meyer “Mr.” yet, even though it was their sexual encounter that had caused Munsen-Meyer to accept his masculinity. Joe observed that gazing at Munsen-Meyer was like looking into a mirror…especially since they now both had the same mustache. Munsen-Meyer replied that he had indeed patterned his new life after Joe. Touched, Joe agreed to have coffee with him.
Oral Hanks met with Mr. Cook to discuss the school’s future. Oral revealed that Owen’s plans didn’t stop with Little Five Points High: he was going to turn the whole of Little Five Points into a Wal-Mart, and would force all the homeless people to work as greeters…even Wolf from the corner of Ponce & Briarcliff. They agreed that he must be stopped. Oral mentioned that he’d had military training during the Mustache Wars (which were kicked off by President Kerry’s decision to grow facial hair), but he couldn’t do it alone. They needed to build a Coalition of the Willing.
In the streets of Little Five Points, there is a legend of a long-forgotten hero who would re-emerge in the city’s darkest hour. Could the time have come for…the Fighting Panhandler?
Former Assistant Coach Damon went to the penthouse of Tasker Towers to confront Owen. Damon informed Owen that, if the school closed, he would carry on the cause of education by going door-to-door as a home-schooling gym teacher. Bored with Damon’s defiance, Owen called in Nekon. Damon immediately surrendered.
Principal Spoon was languishing in the dungeon of Tasker Towers when the Fighting Panhandler suddenly burst in and rescued him.
On the roof, Oral Hanks tried to persuade Joe to join the Coalition of the Willing. Joe replied that his fighting days were over, and that he was now proud to be a pussy. However, he changed his mind when Oral described a vision of Little Five Points as a giant Wal-Mart. Oral then offered Joe a sample of super-DNA that would make him 30% invulnerable. (“Now, you might think this DNA tastes like my semen…well, that’s accurate.”)
Todd Schrader smashed down the door of Owen’s office to confront him. Todd told Owen that he didn’t care if his resistance cost him his life, as he was at peace with his jungle gods. Owen replied that he knew what Todd DID care about…and with that, he pulled out a cute and cuddly Tongan Death-Ape, then snapped its neck. Owen told Todd that he had a whole truckload of apes in captivity, and he’d snap all their necks. Then he’d fly down to Tonga and do the same to Gwen. Owen went into a happy neck-snappin’ dance.
Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were reminiscing about old times. Cook told Munsen-Meyer that he’d always suspected there was something masculine about “her”…maybe it was that time he walked in on him naked in the office. Cook reflected on his own rich, full life, which included winning a Nobel Peace Prize for saving Jimmy Carter’s life. He asked Munsen-Meyer to join the Coalition of the Willing.
Principal Spoon, Oral Hanks, Joe Luderman and the Fighting Panhandler were planning their assault on Tasker Towers. Joe would dress up as a girl and create a distration, while the Panhandler drives a truck full of dynamite into the nearby power station. (The Panhandler was eager to carry out his part, even after it was pointed out that it would kill him.) Just then, Mr. Cook arrived with their secret weapon…Pepper the dodgeball. However, there was only one person who could wield Pepper efficiently: Former Assistant Coach Damon. They needed to find Damon and bring him to their side. Joe asked if he still needed to dress up as a girl.
Meanwhile, Damon confronted Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker about her Botox dependency. She told him that Oral Hanks had offered her something even better than Botox. Damon couldn’t remember how many times he’d fallen for that trick.
Principal Spoon and Mr. Cook were scaling the walls of Tasker Towers when Todd Schrader confronted them. He explained that he had no choice but to serve Owen, as the lives of thousands of Tongan Death-Apes were at stake. Spoon turned to Cook and revealed a bizarre fact about his affliction: Whenever he has a stroke, he also passes it on to anybody he’s in contact with when it hits him. Following Spoon’s request, Cook threw Pepper the dodgeball at Spoon, simultaneously inducing a stroke and knocking him into Todd.
Joe Luderman (in drag) and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were sneaking through the tower to create a diversion when former Assistant Coach Damon appeared. Damon was initially taken aback to see that Munsen-Meyer was a man, but soon regained his composure and called upon dark forces to summon Pepper to his hand. In a slow-motion fight scene, Damon hurled Pepper at Joe’s head. Joe withstood this injury, but just as he was about to take out Damon, Pepper ricocheted and struck Joe in the back, finishing him off.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker confronted her husband about his evil plans, telling him that no Wal-Mart was worth human lives. Owen replied that this wasn’t about Wal-Mart, it was about getting revenge on everybody who mistreated him in high school. Just then, a truck crashed through the window. Mr. Cook, Oral Hanks, and the Fighting Panhandler emerged from the truck. Everybody else who was still alive rushed in after hearing the crash, and the final face-off began. Sterling attempted to defuse the violence, but Owen ordered Nekon to shoot her if she got in the way of his true targets. Stunned that Owen was willing to sacrifice her, Sterling joined the Coalition of the Willing. With the battle lines drawn, chaos ensued. Nekon and the Panhandler engaged in a mascot-on-mascot struggle. The battle carried Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer out of the room, and shortly afterwards the detached wheels of Mr. Cook’s wheelchair rolled by, hinting at some horrific fate. Sterling was killed by a stray bullet. Distraught by her death, Damon rejoined the side of good. He tried to subdue Nekon by throwing Pepper at it, to no effect. Owen retrieved Pepper and hurled it at the stroke-afflicted Todd Schrader, killing him. In desperation, Damon reached into his shorts and pulled out his own intestines to strangle Nekon, destroying the Wal-Monster at the cost of his own life. Oral Hanks knelt beside the mortally-injured Fighting Panhandler, who passed along his oversize mascot glove-hand to Oral. Using the power of the Panhandler hand, Oral Hanks ripped out Owen’s heart. Left as the only survivor, Oral Hanks surveyed the carnage and delivered a moving speech.
ORAL: “You can’t tear out the heart of Little Five Points. Sometimes that heart smells of patchouli, sometimes it throws up on you at 3 AM…but it’s always beating. As I look at all these dead people, I know that they didn’t die in vain, because they saved the heart of Atlanta…these Little Points of Five.”
THE END
Monday, February 9, 2009
Season 8, Episode 14: Prom Wars
Episode 14: Prom Wars
Mr. Cook invited Mr. Huggins to the upcoming fishing rodeo. Huggins, reveling in his newfound heterosexuality, asked if there’d be chicks there. Cook assured him that there would be, but warned him that some of those ladies who work at the VFW can be pretty wild.
Principal Spoon was going over plans for the prom when he met Oral Hanks, class ring salesman and prom consultant. Discussing the prom theme, Hanks dismissed the classic “Enchantment Under the Sea” theme as a cliché, and suggested they go with “Enchantment UNDER Under the Sea,” with the room decorated in a volcanic-cave motif and homeless people playing Morlocks.
Sterling Schremerhorn was at home, going over her ideas for an “Under the Sea” prom, when her father, Stubing Schremerhorn (the wealthiest man in Little Five Points) entered. She confided her biggest problem: Despite being the most popular girl in school and the co-chair of the Prom Planning Committee, she didn’t have a prom date. Mr. Schremerhorn offered to buy her one.
Owen Tasker, the other Prom Planning co-chair was going over his plans for an “Under the Old West” prom theme. He asked formerly-undercover cop Joe Luderman to play the sheriff and provide security. The conversation segued into Joe wondering why Todd Schrader, supposedly his friend, shot him in the foot last week. Just then, Todd entered. Todd apologized for shooting Joe, explaining that he needed to battle Wilfong hand-to-hand with no interference. Joe accepted his apology, and Todd gave Joe his last beer.
Gwendolyn Pinchot went to see Ms. Munsen-Meyer about all the bizarre occurrences in her life. She explained that she’d been having some weird dreams, and feared that the stress had given her psychic powers. She had had a vision of Sterling Schremerhorn riding on horseback in the middle of a Western-themed prom, when she fell and broke her neck. Munsen-Meyer’s only concern with this revelation was whether Gwen’s powers would affect her chances of getting into a good school.
Owen Tasker was in the cafeteria when Stubing Schremerhorn entered. Stubing explained that his daughter was upset about not having a prom date, and that he would spare no expense to buy her happiness. He offered Owen $10,000 to take Sterling to the prom and show her a good time. Owen accepted the offer, then suggested that for an additional $10,000, he’d show Sterling a REALLY good time by sleeping with her.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Oral Hanks were discussing plans for the prom music. Sterling wanted to get Wilson Phillips, but Oral warned her that brand-name bands can be costly. He told her that his company offered songs that were almost exactly like popular music, without the expense of royalties. To demonstrate, he played an excerpt from “Unfathomable” (Josten’s version of EMF’s “Unbelievable”).
Principal Spoon called in Joe Luderman to discuss prom security, warning him about the recent promjacking at Westlake High. Joe assured him that security wouldn’t be an issue, pointing to his record in eliminating the school’s drug traffic. Spoon retorted by pulling out a bag of cocaine that he had confiscated from a student whom he caught having sex with a prostitute in the boy’s room. Joe explained that the demands of simultaneously being a cop and a high-school student were just too much for him. Spoon offered Joe one more chance, but warned him that if any students got damaged, it was his ass.
Stubing Schremerhorn came by Mr. Huggins’ classroom to reminisce about old times. Stubing remembered building the school with his own two hands and a tractor…then recalled the relationship he built with Huggins.
Mr. Cook was preparing for the fishing rodeo when Assistant Coach Damon entered with the bad news that Westlike High got promjacked. Cook swore to use every item in his janitor’s arsenal to protect the students. Damon believed that the only solution was to arm all the students, and Cook replied that he was way ahead of him; he’d already given shivs to the special class. Damon worried that Principal Spoon wouldn’t approve, so they proposed a coup d’etat.
Todd and Gwen met in the cafeteria and discussed their shaky relationship. They agreed to go to the prom together, even though they both loathe the whole prom concept. Todd revealed that Owen had appointed him to the prom’s Refreshment Committee without even asking him. They decided to use Todd’s position to take down the prom from the inside by spiking the punch…and more.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the Schremerhorn residence to discuss Sterling’s situation. She suggested that, rather than be depressed by not having a date, Sterling should go stag and be proud of her independence. Just then, Mr. Schremerhorn came home and informed Sterling that he’d fixed her up with Owen Tasker. Sterling angrily demanded to know how much he’d paid. When he replied that he’d shelled out $70,000 for her happiness, she was flattered that her father thought she was worth that much. Munsen-Meyer began to lecture Mr. Schremerhorn that money can’t buy happiness, and he broke out into hysterical laughter.
Mr. Cook and Assistant Coach Damon had brought Principal Spoon to the fishing rodeo, where they started to discuss the school’s drug problem. Pretending to be on his side, Cook and Damon eventually drew Spoon into confessing that he was high as hell at that very moment. Spoon then passed around his snorkel as a bong. Suddenly, Joe Luderman, who had been spying from the grass, emerged to arrest them all. Panicking, Cook threw his shivs at Joe.
Owen Tasker and Oral Hanks faced off over the prom theme. Oral told Owen that if he backed off and accepted Oral’s prom theme, he would arrange it so that Owen would be the only male student capable of having sex with his prom date. Oral would spike the punch with Josten’s secret “floppy juice” formula…and Owen could have any girl he wanted.
NEXT WEEK: Joe finally shoots somebody.
Mr. Cook invited Mr. Huggins to the upcoming fishing rodeo. Huggins, reveling in his newfound heterosexuality, asked if there’d be chicks there. Cook assured him that there would be, but warned him that some of those ladies who work at the VFW can be pretty wild.
Principal Spoon was going over plans for the prom when he met Oral Hanks, class ring salesman and prom consultant. Discussing the prom theme, Hanks dismissed the classic “Enchantment Under the Sea” theme as a cliché, and suggested they go with “Enchantment UNDER Under the Sea,” with the room decorated in a volcanic-cave motif and homeless people playing Morlocks.
Sterling Schremerhorn was at home, going over her ideas for an “Under the Sea” prom, when her father, Stubing Schremerhorn (the wealthiest man in Little Five Points) entered. She confided her biggest problem: Despite being the most popular girl in school and the co-chair of the Prom Planning Committee, she didn’t have a prom date. Mr. Schremerhorn offered to buy her one.
Owen Tasker, the other Prom Planning co-chair was going over his plans for an “Under the Old West” prom theme. He asked formerly-undercover cop Joe Luderman to play the sheriff and provide security. The conversation segued into Joe wondering why Todd Schrader, supposedly his friend, shot him in the foot last week. Just then, Todd entered. Todd apologized for shooting Joe, explaining that he needed to battle Wilfong hand-to-hand with no interference. Joe accepted his apology, and Todd gave Joe his last beer.
Gwendolyn Pinchot went to see Ms. Munsen-Meyer about all the bizarre occurrences in her life. She explained that she’d been having some weird dreams, and feared that the stress had given her psychic powers. She had had a vision of Sterling Schremerhorn riding on horseback in the middle of a Western-themed prom, when she fell and broke her neck. Munsen-Meyer’s only concern with this revelation was whether Gwen’s powers would affect her chances of getting into a good school.
Owen Tasker was in the cafeteria when Stubing Schremerhorn entered. Stubing explained that his daughter was upset about not having a prom date, and that he would spare no expense to buy her happiness. He offered Owen $10,000 to take Sterling to the prom and show her a good time. Owen accepted the offer, then suggested that for an additional $10,000, he’d show Sterling a REALLY good time by sleeping with her.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Oral Hanks were discussing plans for the prom music. Sterling wanted to get Wilson Phillips, but Oral warned her that brand-name bands can be costly. He told her that his company offered songs that were almost exactly like popular music, without the expense of royalties. To demonstrate, he played an excerpt from “Unfathomable” (Josten’s version of EMF’s “Unbelievable”).
Principal Spoon called in Joe Luderman to discuss prom security, warning him about the recent promjacking at Westlake High. Joe assured him that security wouldn’t be an issue, pointing to his record in eliminating the school’s drug traffic. Spoon retorted by pulling out a bag of cocaine that he had confiscated from a student whom he caught having sex with a prostitute in the boy’s room. Joe explained that the demands of simultaneously being a cop and a high-school student were just too much for him. Spoon offered Joe one more chance, but warned him that if any students got damaged, it was his ass.
Stubing Schremerhorn came by Mr. Huggins’ classroom to reminisce about old times. Stubing remembered building the school with his own two hands and a tractor…then recalled the relationship he built with Huggins.
Mr. Cook was preparing for the fishing rodeo when Assistant Coach Damon entered with the bad news that Westlike High got promjacked. Cook swore to use every item in his janitor’s arsenal to protect the students. Damon believed that the only solution was to arm all the students, and Cook replied that he was way ahead of him; he’d already given shivs to the special class. Damon worried that Principal Spoon wouldn’t approve, so they proposed a coup d’etat.
Todd and Gwen met in the cafeteria and discussed their shaky relationship. They agreed to go to the prom together, even though they both loathe the whole prom concept. Todd revealed that Owen had appointed him to the prom’s Refreshment Committee without even asking him. They decided to use Todd’s position to take down the prom from the inside by spiking the punch…and more.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the Schremerhorn residence to discuss Sterling’s situation. She suggested that, rather than be depressed by not having a date, Sterling should go stag and be proud of her independence. Just then, Mr. Schremerhorn came home and informed Sterling that he’d fixed her up with Owen Tasker. Sterling angrily demanded to know how much he’d paid. When he replied that he’d shelled out $70,000 for her happiness, she was flattered that her father thought she was worth that much. Munsen-Meyer began to lecture Mr. Schremerhorn that money can’t buy happiness, and he broke out into hysterical laughter.
Mr. Cook and Assistant Coach Damon had brought Principal Spoon to the fishing rodeo, where they started to discuss the school’s drug problem. Pretending to be on his side, Cook and Damon eventually drew Spoon into confessing that he was high as hell at that very moment. Spoon then passed around his snorkel as a bong. Suddenly, Joe Luderman, who had been spying from the grass, emerged to arrest them all. Panicking, Cook threw his shivs at Joe.
Owen Tasker and Oral Hanks faced off over the prom theme. Oral told Owen that if he backed off and accepted Oral’s prom theme, he would arrange it so that Owen would be the only male student capable of having sex with his prom date. Oral would spike the punch with Josten’s secret “floppy juice” formula…and Owen could have any girl he wanted.
NEXT WEEK: Joe finally shoots somebody.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Season 8, Episode 4: The Scholarship of the Ring
Episode 4: The Scholarship of the Ring
Smoking weed on the roof, Miller told Gwendolyn Pinchot that he accidentally had sex with Todd Schrader, mistaking him for Sterling Schremerhorn. He explained that he was informing her because he knew he was supposed to tell his partner about his recent sexual activity in case of STDs. He wasn’t sure whether that applied retroactively, since this happened after he slept with Gwen, but just in case…
Owen Tasker was at his locker when class ring salesman Oral Hanks arrived to pitch his goods. When Owen expressed interest in a diamond ring, Oral tried to convince him that “diamondesque” was far superior.
Mr. Huggins congratulated Todd Schrader for bravely coming out of the closet. Insisting that he wasn’t gay, Todd claimed that he was only fighting with Miller when Miller pulled out a pipe. (“A fleshy pipe?”)
Ms. Munsen-Meyer met with Todd’s father, General Rip Schrader, but the General was oblivious to her hints about Todd’s coming-out. Finally, Munsen-Meyer grabbed the General’s bullhorn and announced that Todd was gay. General Schrader snatched back the bullhorn and used it to shout that he had no son.
Oral Hanks was selling class rings by the lockers when Sterling Schremerhorn walked by. He recommended his finest “rubish” ring. Sterling eagerly pulled out her credit card.
Assistant Coach Damon was trading in some food stamps for a meal at the Crash Pad. Sympathetic to his plight, Gwen threw in some extra mayo packets. Suddenly, getting wind of the free mayo, the Fighting Panhandler burst in for a handout. Damon and the Panhandler fought until Damon apparently killed the mascot. Ms. Munsen-Meyer attempted CPR, but it wasn’t until the school fight song started playing that the Panhandler came back to full strength.
Oral Hanks ran into his nephew, Miller. Since they’re family, Oral offered to give Miller a very special ring. (“Nine rings were crafted for the chess club. Three rings were crafted for the student council. But one ring was crafted to rule them all.”) With great fanfare, Oral presented Miller with the One Ring.
In the cafeteria, Owen Tasker told Sterling that he knew she was crazy about him. He explained that he’d seen her looking at him in calculus, but she retorted that she was only trying to cheat off of his papers. Owen swore that he would win her heart once he possessed the most powerful ring of all.
On the roof, Miller was savoring his “precious” new ring. Mr. Huggins arrived to discuss Miller’s encounter with Todd. Believing that Huggins was after his ring, Miller assumed a defensive stance.
Oral Hanks ran into Assistant Coach Damon in the hallway. Impressed by Damon’s style, Hanks offered him a job with Jasten’s, his class-ring company. Hanks explained that he was once a lowly assistant cafeteria worker when a man came through selling cock-rings, and his life was never the same afterwards. Now, he was offering Damon the same opportunity.
Gwen was sobbing in an empty classroom when Sterling entered. Gwen angrily blamed Sterling for her STD, since Sterling’s abstinence caused Miller to have sex with Todd. Sterling countered that Gwen only had her own sluttiness to blame. Unbeknownst to either of them, Ms. Munsen-Meyer was behind the podium and had heard everything.
In Miller’s van, Miller and Todd discussed their situation. Todd insisted that he wasn’t gay…even though they had just had sex again. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the backseat and had heard everything.
Owen Tasker and Assistant Coach Damon were practicing dodgeball in the gym. Struck in the groin by a dodgeball, Owen doubled over and wound up with his face in Damon’s crotch. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the gym and had heard everything.
The Fighting Panhandler was wandering around drunk when General Rip Schrader spotted him. Believing the Panhandler to be some kind of alien being, Schrader invited the mascot to his aircraft carrier. Having lulled it into a sense of security, Schrader ordered his men to fire the tranq-guns.
At the Crash Pad, Gwen was reading a pamphlet about her dilemma (“Gonorrhea: It’s No Clapping Matter”). Ms. Munsen-Meyer arrived to discuss Gwen’s future. Munsen-Meyer assured Gwen that her STD was curable and wouldn’t be held against her…but if Gwen ever wanted to get into a good school, she needed to give up her 27-year-old punk-rocker boyfriend.
In the hallway, Owen Tasker declared his love to Sterling Schremerhorn. She pointed out that “love” doesn’t mean making fake photos of her in compromising positions and then showing them to her dying ex-boyfriend, Lewis von Kemia.
Todd Schrader was walking home when he encountered the Fighting Panhandler, now transformed into a living killing-machine by the US military. Todd was helpless against the Panhandler, but was saved when Miller burst in and put on the One Ring. Unable to see Miller, Todd gasped in awe as the invisible opponent quickly vanquished the Panhandler.
NEXT WEEK: Miller asks Ms. Munsen-Meyer for help.
Smoking weed on the roof, Miller told Gwendolyn Pinchot that he accidentally had sex with Todd Schrader, mistaking him for Sterling Schremerhorn. He explained that he was informing her because he knew he was supposed to tell his partner about his recent sexual activity in case of STDs. He wasn’t sure whether that applied retroactively, since this happened after he slept with Gwen, but just in case…
Owen Tasker was at his locker when class ring salesman Oral Hanks arrived to pitch his goods. When Owen expressed interest in a diamond ring, Oral tried to convince him that “diamondesque” was far superior.
Mr. Huggins congratulated Todd Schrader for bravely coming out of the closet. Insisting that he wasn’t gay, Todd claimed that he was only fighting with Miller when Miller pulled out a pipe. (“A fleshy pipe?”)
Ms. Munsen-Meyer met with Todd’s father, General Rip Schrader, but the General was oblivious to her hints about Todd’s coming-out. Finally, Munsen-Meyer grabbed the General’s bullhorn and announced that Todd was gay. General Schrader snatched back the bullhorn and used it to shout that he had no son.
Oral Hanks was selling class rings by the lockers when Sterling Schremerhorn walked by. He recommended his finest “rubish” ring. Sterling eagerly pulled out her credit card.
Assistant Coach Damon was trading in some food stamps for a meal at the Crash Pad. Sympathetic to his plight, Gwen threw in some extra mayo packets. Suddenly, getting wind of the free mayo, the Fighting Panhandler burst in for a handout. Damon and the Panhandler fought until Damon apparently killed the mascot. Ms. Munsen-Meyer attempted CPR, but it wasn’t until the school fight song started playing that the Panhandler came back to full strength.
Oral Hanks ran into his nephew, Miller. Since they’re family, Oral offered to give Miller a very special ring. (“Nine rings were crafted for the chess club. Three rings were crafted for the student council. But one ring was crafted to rule them all.”) With great fanfare, Oral presented Miller with the One Ring.
In the cafeteria, Owen Tasker told Sterling that he knew she was crazy about him. He explained that he’d seen her looking at him in calculus, but she retorted that she was only trying to cheat off of his papers. Owen swore that he would win her heart once he possessed the most powerful ring of all.
On the roof, Miller was savoring his “precious” new ring. Mr. Huggins arrived to discuss Miller’s encounter with Todd. Believing that Huggins was after his ring, Miller assumed a defensive stance.
Oral Hanks ran into Assistant Coach Damon in the hallway. Impressed by Damon’s style, Hanks offered him a job with Jasten’s, his class-ring company. Hanks explained that he was once a lowly assistant cafeteria worker when a man came through selling cock-rings, and his life was never the same afterwards. Now, he was offering Damon the same opportunity.
Gwen was sobbing in an empty classroom when Sterling entered. Gwen angrily blamed Sterling for her STD, since Sterling’s abstinence caused Miller to have sex with Todd. Sterling countered that Gwen only had her own sluttiness to blame. Unbeknownst to either of them, Ms. Munsen-Meyer was behind the podium and had heard everything.
In Miller’s van, Miller and Todd discussed their situation. Todd insisted that he wasn’t gay…even though they had just had sex again. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the backseat and had heard everything.
Owen Tasker and Assistant Coach Damon were practicing dodgeball in the gym. Struck in the groin by a dodgeball, Owen doubled over and wound up with his face in Damon’s crotch. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the gym and had heard everything.
The Fighting Panhandler was wandering around drunk when General Rip Schrader spotted him. Believing the Panhandler to be some kind of alien being, Schrader invited the mascot to his aircraft carrier. Having lulled it into a sense of security, Schrader ordered his men to fire the tranq-guns.
At the Crash Pad, Gwen was reading a pamphlet about her dilemma (“Gonorrhea: It’s No Clapping Matter”). Ms. Munsen-Meyer arrived to discuss Gwen’s future. Munsen-Meyer assured Gwen that her STD was curable and wouldn’t be held against her…but if Gwen ever wanted to get into a good school, she needed to give up her 27-year-old punk-rocker boyfriend.
In the hallway, Owen Tasker declared his love to Sterling Schremerhorn. She pointed out that “love” doesn’t mean making fake photos of her in compromising positions and then showing them to her dying ex-boyfriend, Lewis von Kemia.
Todd Schrader was walking home when he encountered the Fighting Panhandler, now transformed into a living killing-machine by the US military. Todd was helpless against the Panhandler, but was saved when Miller burst in and put on the One Ring. Unable to see Miller, Todd gasped in awe as the invisible opponent quickly vanquished the Panhandler.
NEXT WEEK: Miller asks Ms. Munsen-Meyer for help.
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