Episode 12: In Which Our Story Concludes

Episode 12: In Which Our Story Concludes

Princess Penelope wrote a letter to her father, King George III, informing him that, due to the short gestation period of her inhuman pregnancy, he was now the proud grandfather of a Chihuahua named Princess Pickles.

On the outskirts of town, in a long-forgotten prison, a long-forgotten prisoner chiseled through the wall with a spoon…only to find the hole was too small to fit through.

In the burned-out Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was giving Sir Richard DeGranville his quarterly review, which turned into a list of Gwinnett’s own failures. DeGranville tendered his resignation (again), explaining that he had found a history book from the future in Seth’s backpack, and had learned that the colonists will win the Revolution. So, he was joining the winning side. He offered Gwinnett a chance to join alongside him.

Back at the prison, the mysterious prisoner managed to enlarge the hole wide enough to escape…only to find snakes on the other side.

The Widow Cocovin was helping Seth prepare for the upcoming battle. She told him she would hate to see him die, and he replied that he’d hate it even more. However, he assured her that he would survive, thanks to his future-smarts and the Uzi he had in his backpack. He told her she had been like a mother to him…a really gross mother.

Back at the prison, the prisoner chipped a hole through a different wall, and found monkeys on the other side. He tried yet another wall, which crumbled immediately. Hearing only the chirping of birds, he decided it was safe to leave that way. He informed a magpie that he was searching for his old friend, Nigel Buttons Gwinnett. The magpie told him to go to the burned-out courthouse, and the prisoner set on his way.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was making preparations for the wedding of his horse Cacafuego to Thunderpumpkin, when Penelope arrived to inform him that she’d had their child. She wanted him to be a part of their child’s life, but he insisted that he had to be free to wander.

DeGranville and Gwinnett were still arguing when Ridickolas Nickleby stormed in and ordered Gwinnett to shut up. Nickleby and DeGranville revealed that they had robbed the treasury, and were now setting out for a new life in the Carolinas. They invited Gwinnett to join them, but Gwinnett instead ordered a lockdown of the city. He warned them that if they crossed town lines, they were dead.

The prisoner found his way to the city limits, and began a monologue speaking to the city itself. Four and a half hours later, he finally entered.

Stung by Hector’s rejection, Penelope ran to Seth’s treehouse, where she found him extremely worried about his possible death. He told her that if he died in battle, he would leave her his hoverboard. She suggested that he use the hoverboard to fly away rather than risk his life, pointing out that he was still just a boy (citing his fondness for doody jokes). Seth replied that his immaturity didn’t make him any less of a man, saying that many soldiers joke before they die. She asked him what his dying joke would be.

Nickleby came to the Clermont Tavern to collect his final paycheck. The Widow Cocovin informed him that all her money was in the bank when it was robbed. Since Nickleby was the culprit, he realized that he had already collected his money, so he left.

Hector was trying to ease Cacafuego’s pre-wedding jitters when the mysterious prisoner happened by. He introduced himself as Gwinnett’s old friend, Buford Fulton. Pleased to meet the stranger, Hector invited him to the wedding…which would be held at the burned-out courthouse, conveniently. Fulton offered Cacafuego a carrot…the only thing he had saved from his cell, and his only companion for those three long years. The carrot’s name was Lars. Hector offered to make a little carrot tuxedo and make Lars a groomsman.

DeGranville and Nickleby were on the outskirts of town, ready to cross the line and start their new life. DeGranville recalled how he once had so much hope for Little Five Ports. He also recalled the time before Gwinnett became an idiot, but before he could reveal the secret, their horses collapsed.

Seth told Penelope his ultimate joke: “99 camels walk into a bar. The bartender says ‘We don’t serve camels here.’ The 99 camels say ‘Quit bustin’ our humps!’” As they laughed, the Widow Cocovin entered and informed Seth that it was time to go into battle. Seth left with these words of wisdom:

“Remember, Penelope, love is a battlefield. And a battlefield is also a battlefield.”

Back at the town border, DeGranville revealed that he himself was responsible for Gwinnett’s stupidity, as he dropped him on his head when he was 2 ½ years old. Gripped by a sense of responsibility, DeGranville realized he had to go back and give Gwinnett one more chance to join them. He said that if he didn’t return in one hour, then Nickleby should go on ahead to West Carolina. (“The best of the Carolinas…let’s hope they never get rid of that one!”)

Hector and Buford Fulton went to the Governor’s office for a marriage license for the two horses. Upon seeing Gwinnett, Fulton seized him roughly…but the apparent attack turned out to be a joyful embrace on his reunion with his old friend. Fulton revealed (in flashback) the circumstances of his imprisonment. Three years ago, Fulton and Gwinnett built a safehouse in case of an emergency. As they were congratulating themselves on its solid construction, Gwinnett was distracted by the sight of a bird outside. As he rushed out to chase it, the door closed behind him, locking Fulton inside. Forgetting why he was there, Gwinnett then wandered off, wondering where he’d dropped his spoon and his carrot.

Preparing for battle, Seth addressed the troops, informing them that after this day, they would no longer be measured by their height or by the size of their penis, but by their courage. Then Seth made a poop joke, and the entire army laughed uproariously.

Princess Penelope paid a visit to the Widow Cocovin, seeking advice on raising Princess Pickles. When Cocovin pointed out that her “baby” was a dog, Penelope initially denied it, then broke down and confessed that she had never actually been pregnant. Indeed, she was still a virgin. Her “night of passion” with Hector had been a horrible failure, as Hector loved Cocovin too much to do anything. Penelope then explained that she wanted a baby so badly, she had found a rat, cleaned it up, dressed it, and named it Princess Pickles. As she lamented her virginity, Buford Fulton entered. Recognizing the look of a prisoner who had not had intercourse in years, Cocovin played matchmaker and offered Penelope and Fulton a room together.

Hearing the sounds of battle in the distance, Ridickolas Nickleby was torn between his freedom and helping his friend. Without hesitation, he rushed to the battlefield and found Seth leading the troops. Nickleby doffed his red coat and declared his allegiance to the Americas. Seth handed his Uzi to Nickleby, and they ran into battle together. In the midst of the battle, Seth was shot. Seth’s whole life flashed before his eyes…but most of it was internet porn.

Buford Fulton and Penelope emerged from the Honeymoon Suite, basking in the afterglow. He invited her to be his guest at the wedding, and she gladly accepted. Only then did she inform him that she was the daughter of the King, and had been exiled to the colonies as punishment. Kneeling at her feet, he declared “Your punishment has been my pleasure, milady.”

Hector paced nervously before the wedding. As Cacafuego and Thunderpumpkin arrived, he told them how proud they were. Fulton and Penelope arrived next, and Penelope informed Hector that someone new had captured her heart. Cocovin entered, accompanied by Lars the carrot (until Thunderpumpkin ate him). DeGranville and Gwinnett arrived together, having reconciled between scenes. The joyous mood was suddenly shattered when Nickleby burst in, carrying the wounded Seth. Nickleby pleaded with Hector to use his magical Fountain water to heal Seth. Hector pulled out his bottle, but found there was only a single drop left. The droplet spilled onto DeGranville’s finger, and DeGranville then carefully placed it in Seth’s mouth. Was a single drop enough? Seth closed his eyes as his head lolled to the side…then he suddenly coughed and sat up. Everybody congratulated Seth on leading the colonists to victory. As he basked in his moment of glory, Seth suddenly found himself being pulled back to the future—now that he had set things right, he was making the leap home.

All that was left behind was Seth’s hoverboard. The assembled wedding guests, inspired by Seth’s example, decided to write upon it a message for future generations: “We the People…”

THE END

Episode 11: In Which Sanity Is Restored

Episode 11: In Which Sanity Is Restored

In the remains of the Governor’s office, Gov. Gwinnett was going over the disappointing election results—a three-way tie with one vote each for Gwinnett, Seth, and Mickey Mouse. Gwinnett thought that he might increase his popularity by performing a spectacular stunt, like jumping over two horses or encasing himself in ice. DeGranville suggested that they put Gwinnett in the stocks and have the people make suggestions to him.

DEGRANVILLE: “You know what the stocks are?”
GWINNETT: “It’s soup, right?”

Ridickolas Nickleby, disguised with a long beard, eyepatch, cloak, and shepherd’s crook, stopped by the Clermont Tavern, begging for alms for a war veteran. The Widow Cocovin, fooled by his outfit, decided that his combat experience could be valuable, and invited him to join the Revolution.

Having been impregnated by Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, Princess Penelope was planning a baby shower with Seth and Sir Charles Norris (who suggested gathering a wagonful of infants and dump them off a rooftop, creating a shower of babies). Seth suggested a bachelorette party, making a lewd pantomime which Norris interpreted as tickling a pistol. Norris expressed his disappointment that the Princess had disgraced the crown by giving up her maidenhead to a Spaniard. She reminded Norris that she was still royalty, and that he should mind his place.

In the empty stable, Hector contemplated (in song) his impending fatherhood. His faithful steed Cacafuego came running. Sensing Cacafuego’s heartbreak, Hector swore to reunite Cacafuego with his true love Thunderpumpkin (the horse of the late Arnedict Barnold).

The disguised Nickleby (calling himself “Jimmy”) was preparing a giant bowl of soup for Gov. Gwinnett’s spectacular feat. They began brainstorming ideas for other stunts, until Gwinnett finally saw through Nickleby’s disguise. Nickleby hit Gwinnett in the gut with his shepherd’s crook, then ran off.

Cocovin stopped by DeGranville’s lair to boast that she had organized an army to take on the British forces. DeGranville revealed that he had known of her plans all along, but had let her proceed because he respected her as a worthy opponent. He then revealed that Gwinnett’s idiocy had convinced him that Britain was unworthy of his loyalty. DeGranville was no longer on England’s side…he was now on DeGranville’s side. Whether that’s the same as the colonist’s side was another matter.

While searching for male prostitutes for her bachelorette party, Penelope asked Seth to be her baby’s godfather. He replied that he couldn’t handle such responsibility, but that he would be proud to be “Uncle Seth.” He offered to use his knowledge of the future to invent new games and rides for her child.

Hector, searching for Thunderpumpkin, ran into Sir Charles Norris. Knowing Norris’ reputation as the world’s greatest tracker, Hector asked for his help in finding the horse. Norris immediately went behind the building and returned with Thunderpumpkin. He then gave Hector one second to tell him why he shouldn’t snap the horse’s neck. One second later, Hector replied “True love.” Norris spared Thunderpumpkin, but demanded a favor in return…he wanted Hector to tickle his pistol. As Hector did so, Penelope walked by and was shocked by the sight. She was so enraged, she began speaking in a Spanish accent. Hector revealed that his Spanish DNA had gotten into her..and furthermore, his immortal seed would produce an inhuman baby.

Collecting taxes, DeGranville met a “stranger” calling himself Ludacris Jefferson. Seeing through Nickleby’s disguise, DeGranville asked why he had not escaped, noting that Gwinnett will surely kill him if he finds him. Nickleby assured him that he could handle Gwinnett, explaining how he had escaped by striking Gwinnett in the stomach. Horrified, DeGranville revealed that a blow to the solar plexus is the one thing that can restore Gwinnett’s sanity. For 24 hours, the Governor will be rational, and more dangerous than ever. With his life in danger and nothing waiting for him back home (as his wife “Mitzi”—whom Nickleby confessed was actually “Michael”—had left him), Nickleby decided to rob the treasury and form a new life in another colony with DeGranville. They only had to get past the treasury’s guard, Sir Charles Norris. Luckily, Nickleby knew Norris’ one weakness.

Penelope explained to the now-sane Gwinnett that she was pregnant with a monster child. Gwinnett calmly and reasonably suggested that she throw herself down a flight of stairs. (“Apparently, your being sane just means that you’re an asshole,” she replied.) The fetus loudly threatened Gwinnett from the womb.

Seth entered the Clermont Tavern and found Cocovin going over the battle plans. Seth revealed that he had drawn up the plans himself, pointing out the doodles of Mario and Luigi. Impressed by his plans, Cocovin invited him to help join the Revolution. Seth was amazed and flattered…he had been a nobody in his own time, but now he had a chance to be a hero.

Sir Charles Norris was guarding the bank when his grandson, Sir Richard DeGranville, came in to withdraw all the treasury’s funds. As all the accounts were in DeGranville’s name anyway, this was actually a legitimate transaction…but Norris insisted that DeGranville had to maintain the minimum balance. Just then, Nickleby (disguised as a clown) arrived with a mouse…Norris’ one weakness. The terrified Norris jumped up on the desk, but soon regained his composure. Norris warned them that he could kill them in 18 different ways, then demonstrated his skills by chopping off the lower left legs of both Nickleby and DeGranville, switching them around. DeGranville pointed out that his left leg was fake to begin with, so he was unharmed. He then demonstrated the new lethal skill he had learned from the Choctaw, by striking a powerful blow to Norris’ chest. He explained to his grandfather that the injury would kill him after he takes five steps. Norris and DeGranville took four steps together to say their goodbyes (while Nickleby retrieved his leg and reattached it). Norris asked his grandson to name his future child Charles Norris, and continue the line of Charles Norrises for generations to come. A light shone down on them, and Norris saw God. (“After the life you’ve led?” “True, but if Heaven didn’t take Sir Charles Norris, Hell couldn’t handle the ass-kicking he would bring.”) They took the last step together, and Sir Charles Norris collapsed into his grandson’s arms. Unfortunately, the touching tableau was spoiled when Norris’ body slid down until his face was against DeGranville’s groin.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Episode 10: In Which Everybody Dies

Episode 10: In Which Everybody Dies

Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett and Sir Richard DeGranville were discussing plans for the Governor’s upcoming campaign fundraiser. DeGranville pointed out that it was an appointed office, not an elected one, so there’s no need for a campaign. Nonetheless, Gwinnett decided to hold it at Sir Charles’ Cheese Emporium. And he was going to dress in style, with his new boots that just arrived from Italy. Gwinnett opened the package to reveal a pair of high-heeled shoes.

At the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin and her immortal ancestor Hector “Macho” Gazpacho were discussing their relationship; Hector feared that God would punish them for their inadvertent incest, but Cocovin believed that God would forgive them because they were unaware of their relationship. They recalled the places they unleashed their passion: In a tree, in a cave, on top of the sleeping Richard DeGranville…

Seth was out practicing his dance moves at the cemetery when Sir Richard DeGranville came by on his nightly stroll. Seth showed him how to do the robot, and DeGranville wound up accidentally chopping Seth in the throat. DeGranville apologized for his lethal reflexes, explaining that he was responsible for most of the people buried there.

Trying on his new “boots,” Gwinnett immediately fell over. As he tried to stand up, Hector came in for confession. Hector explained that, as there was no Catholic priest in Little Five Ports, he was appealing to Gwinnett as the closest authority figure. However, just as he was about to begin his confession, a real priest arrived…Father Manuel Genobles, the priest from Hector’s original conquistador expedition. Father Genobles had also drunk from the Fountain of Youth, and had finally caught up with Hector.

The Widow Cocovin was trying to get rid of the Tavern’s urine smell before the big fundraiser. Finding Hector’s bottle of Fountain water, she tried using it to clean up, and wound up splashing some on herself. She reverted to childhood just as Hector returned and realized what had happened. Hopped-up on youthful energy, Cocovin wanted to go out riding, and set out to find Cacafuego.

Sir Richard DeGranville and Seth were giving a tour of the town to Father Manuel Genobles, who explained that he had taken on the burden of immortality in order to track down and kill the other immortal. (“Like Highlander! There can be only one!” Seth exclaimed.) Father Genobles confirmed that drinking from the Fountain of Youth brings a compulsion to kill other immortals.

At Sir Charles’ Cheese, Gov. Gwinnett was looking over his campaign poster when Cocovin came in, still looking for something to ride. (As an unintentional side-effect of the Fountain water, she had grown a beard.) She climbed aboard Gwinnett’s back and rode him.

Joining Hector in his search for Cocovin, Seth asked Hector about the fountain’s murderous side-effect. Hector confessed that he had killed all the other conquistadors in his expedition…all 200 of them, one at a time, in fair fights. Spaniards do have a sense of honor, after all. Unnoticed by either of them, Father Genobles snuck up behind Hector and tried to garrote him with a rosary. When he couldn’t get it over Hector’s helmet, Genobles instead bonked him on the head with a goblet.

At the Tavern, Sir Richard DeGranville sniffed out the spilled Fountain water and licked it off the floor. His leg immediately healed, and he stood up straight and proud.

At Sir Charles’ Cheese, Gwinnett was exhausted by Cocovin’s “ride.” Noticing his beautiful high heels, Cocovin took them right off his feet and ran away.

After recuperating, Gwinnett made his way to the Clermont Tavern to reclaim his shoes. He was surprised to see that Cocovin’s beard had fallen out, and she revealed that that side-effect had faded and been replaced by another: The compulsion to sing. She slipped some Fountain water in his drink, and he joined her in song.

Flashback to 323 years earlier: Shortly after arriving in the new world, Hector, Father Genobles, and Conquistador Steve found the Fountain of Youth. Steve drank from it and immediately began dancing. Father Genobles immediately declared the Fountain to be evil, but Hector believed it a gift from God. (“God doesn’t give gifts, He punishes!” Genobles retorted.) Hector drank as well, and was instantly compelled to stab Steve. Father Genobles forgave him.

Out in the street, Seth was surprised to see the rejuvenated Sir Richard DeGranville, young, strong, unscarred…and gay. Not just gay, but Freddie Mercury gay. DeGranville informed the creeped-out Seth that he was searching for Hector.

Father Genobles was kneeling in prayer when the Widow Cocovin walked by. Seeing the priest, she got on her knees to pray with him. She confessed her many sins, and he realized that she had drunk from the Fountain. (“You shall never progress in age and ascend to Heaven!”) Now that the two immortals were in close proximity, the need to kill arose in both of them. After a brief struggle, in which Father Genobles’ mustache fell off, they came to their senses and tried to make peace. While Cocovin’s guard was down, Genobles forced his mustache down her throat and choked her to death. He then forgave himself.

The freaked-out Seth ran into the Governor’s office and informed him that DeGranville had gone crazy. DeGranville entered, and sensed that Gwinnett was now also an immortal. DeGranville informed the Governor that he was going to kill him…not because of the Fountain’s curse, but because Gwinnett’s an idiot. With that, DeGranville stabbed Gwinnett in the stomach, then kissed him goodbye.

In the woods, Hector found his steed Cacafuego, and informed him that the curse of the immortals was starting all over again…even now, Hector was barely able to resist the urge to kill. Cacafuego, on the other hand, could not resist, and began trampling his master. Hector defended himself by hurling his helmet as his formerly-faithful horse, killing him instantly. Hector tearfully swore to end the curse once and for all.

Now even more freaked out, Seth ran to Father Genobles for spiritual help. Genobles suggested that Seth stand and face his fear, and possibly use the strange device he carries (the hoverboard) as a weapon to defend himself. Just then, DeGranville arrived. A brief battle ensued, ending when DeGranville tore out the priest’s throat.

Returning to town, Hector found the ultimately freaked-out Seth. DeGranville entered, carrying flowers for Hector’s grave. Hector urged him to fight the compulsion and break the curse of the water, but DeGranville was unable to resist the call of the quickening. Seeing no other way to end the cycle, Hector gave himself up and offered his throat to DeGranville. Just as DeGranville was about to strike, Seth sent his hoverboard flying, decapitating DeGranville. Hector, the last immortal left, pleaded with Seth to kill him and end the curse…even now, he could feel the gayness creeping upon him. Seth reluctantly complied, beheading Hector. Seth fell to his knees, screaming in anguish…

Seth regained consciousness in Sir Charles’ Cheese Emporium, having been knocked unconscious by Gov. Gwinnett’s campaign sign. He looked up and saw everybody gathered around him, including DeGranville, who was once again scarred, lame, and definitely NOT gay. Relieved that it had all been a dream, Seth led everybody in a happy dance.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Episode 9: In Which Seth Is Portrayed by Guest Star Chris Blair

Episode 9: In Which Seth Is Portrayed by Guest Star Chris Blair

In the burned-out ruins of the Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was sleeping on his desk (the only thing left standing) when Sir Richard DeGranville arrived. DeGranville, freed from his position as Gwinnett’s assistant, thanked the governor for making his life so miserable, because he was now enjoying his freedom so much more by contrast.

In the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin was looking over the stolen British battle plans when the legendary British agent Sir Charles Norris (“The Foxhound”) burst out of the ground (having tunneled his way from England) and ordered some boiled meat. He explained that he had been sent by King George III to recover the stolen plans and to find the spy who had taken them. (“There is a mole in our midst, and I’m here to whack that mole!”) He informed Cocovin that he knew what had happened to her husband. She angrily threw the boiled meat at his face, and he caught it in his mouth.

Ridickolas Nickleby went to Princess Penelope and confessed to burning down the Governor’s mansion during the great ruckus. He feared that his punishment would be worsened…perhaps his rope would be shortened so that he’d no longer have the run of the town. Penelope proposed an escape plan, in which she would create a diversion by starting a fistfight with a piece of meat, while he slips free from his rope and attaches it to somebody else.

Seth and Hector “Macho” Gazpacho boarded the docked casino boat for some recreation; Seth worried about being carded, seeing as how he was –300 years old. Luckily, they got in with no problem. Hector showed Seth how to play pinochle, which consists of throwing a nut to a monkey and making a wish. Seth was torn between two wishes—either to get back home in time for his dying mother’s birthday, or for 24 elephants to fall from the sky.

Sir Charles Norris arrived at the wreckage of the Governor’s office to find Gwinnett asleep on the desk. Disgusted, he woke up the Governor by kicking him in the head. Norris informed Gwinnett that he had been sent for two reasons: to find the mole, and to rescue a British POW who was missing in action. Gwinnett told Norris that Nickleby isn’t missing, he just works at the Clermont Tavern.

Penelope was wandering the streets searching for meat when an elephant fell from the sky. She invited the elephant to join her in a game; she explained that she would beat him up, then her friend would put his tether around the elephant’s foot. When the elephant asked what he would get out of this arrangement, she offered to finger his trunk. The elephant agreed.

Sir Richard DeGranville was strolling through town as elephants continued to fall from the sky. He found Seth crying over having wasted his wish. DeGranville explained that the casino boat was a ghost ship, and would return in a year so that Seth could make another wish. Seth cried that his mother would be dead by then, but DeGranville pointed out that, since time travel was involved, Seth could simply wish to go back at any point to have enough time with her.

Sir Charles Norris found Nickleby’s tether in the street, and began following it. Unfortunately, he was following it in the wrong direction.

The Widow Cocovin returned to the Tavern and found Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, who now wanted to treat her as the great-great-etc.-granddaughter he never knew he had. He sat her on his knee and told her (in song) the bedtime story of Buddy the Raccoon and His Forest Pals.

Sir Charles Norris finally tracked the rope back to its source, scaling the side of a building up to the roof where it was attached to a post. On the rooftop, he found Sir Richard DeGranville. They recalled their bitter past, when DeGranville was evicted from the Assassins’ Guild for killing one of their own, and Norris refused to defend him. DeGranville revealed that, since leaving the Guild, he had learned some new tricks from the Choctaw. Norris pleaded with him to reveal his secrets…and pleading is something that Sir Charles Norris NEVER does!

The elephant having abandoned her, Princess Penelope was searching for something to beat up when the Widow Cocovin walked by, angry about an insulting letter that Penelope had sent her. As the engaged in some pre-catfight banter, Nickleby stealthily slipped his shackle on Cocovin. Once it was in place, Penelope sucker-punched Cocovin and ran.

Hector and Seth returned to the dock, 24 elephants in tow, trying to summon the ghost ship again. Soon, the boat reappeared, helmed by Ghost Pirate Captain Casino. Captain Casino offered Seth a chance to win one more wish with a game of pinochle. The scene went into slow-motion as Seth threw the peanut.

Sir Charles Norris was forcibly keeping Gov. Gwinnett awake by holding his eyelids open. He informed Gwinnett that he had narrowed the list of suspects down to seven people, so he was just going to kill them all. When Gwinnett said that seemed a little extreme, Norris countered that he could not fail in his mission, because failure was his only fear. Gwinnett responded by listing all of his fears, which boiled down to a list of long, cylindrical objects. Considering what this meant, Norris asked Gwinnett whether or not he was, in fact, a woman.

Ridickolas Nickleby was enjoying his newfound freedom when he ran into Sir Richard DeGranville. They discussed Nickleby’s future as a free man. DeGranville offered to give Nickleby a parcel of land so that he could enjoy the power of being a landowner, but warned him that one man stood in their way…Sir Charles Norris. DeGranville revealed that Norris was the man who gave him his facial scar. When Nickleby pointed out that DeGranville had previously said he got the scar from playing with his grandfather’s sword, DeGranville made another revelation…Sir Charles Norris IS his grandfather.

Princess Penelope visited Hector’s quarters with one purpose in mind: She wanted to be impregnated. Hector’s Spanish sense of romance would not let him “just get it over with,” so he explained (in a rap) how he would make love to her (a process involving a Great Dane and a hot fudge sundae). She eagerly agreed.

The tethered Cocovin returned to the Clermont Tavern, where Gwinnett was drinking while Norris was crying over his fear of failure. Upon her entrance, Norris stopped crying and reasserted his manhood by punching her in the face and setting her on fire. Gwinnett was unimpressed, so Norris put on further displays of machismo, concluding by punching the bottom of his glass. Much to his surprise, it actually broke.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Episode 8: In Which a Ruckus Is Raised and a Building Is Razed

Episode 8: In Which a Ruckus Is Raised and a Building Is Razed

As Sir Richard DeGranville had resigned last week, Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett met his new temp assistant, Essex Gallard. Newly arrived from England, Essex was enchanted by the beauty and open spaces of the colonies. Sensing a kindred spirit, Gwinnett suggested a number of activities they could do together, like throwing rocks at a hornets’ nest or staring at the sun. They finally decided to go tip over cows, calling it “Operation Condor.”

Arnedict Barnold was surprised to find the Widow Cocovin at the Clermont Tavern. She explained that, during the time of her “disappearance,” she had infiltrated a group of British troops disguised as a scullery maid, and had stolen their plans to attack the Continental Army. Barnold assured her he would pass the plans on to General Washington…after he has her executed for witchcraft. He gloated that he had accused her because she knew too much about the British army’s weak points, but offered to spare her if she simply accepted that the Revolution cannot be won. Finally realizing that Barnold’s a traitor, Cocovin threw a bowl of hot soup at him and fled.

While playing horseshoes with Seth, Ridickolas Nickleby asked what sort of games they played in Seth’s time. Seth attempted to describe videogames by asking Nickleby to picture the adventures in his head. Closing his eyes, Nickleby recounted his dream of a mustachioed Italian gentleman rescuing a princess. Seth re-enacted Nickleby’s imaginary adventure, eventually turning it into a sexually explicit pantomime. Seth apologized, explaining that the Internet had warped his brain. Nickleby offered to use leeches to remove the bad thoughts, but Seth kind of liked having them there. After some more conversation, they decided to continue the fun by raising a ruckus.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was strolling by the harbor when Penelope rode by on Hector’s horse Cacafuego. Through Penelope, Cacafuego informed Hector that they had become too dependent on one another, and that they needed their own space. Hector wondered aloud who he could turn to; as if on cue, the Widow Cocovin arrived. Hector loudly shouted “Witch! Witch!” She threw a bowl of hot soup at him.

Essex Gallard was skulking through a pasture, searching for cows to tip over, when Ridickolas Nickleby came sneaking by, searching for cowshit to place in bags and set afire. Delighted to meet a fellow Englishman, Nickleby invited Gallard to join him in the ruckus. As they collected cowshit together, they found some mushrooms growing in the field. After eating the mushrooms, Nickleby finally understood what a videogame was.

Cocovin fled to the Governor’s office, pleading for protection because she’d been accused of witchcraft. When Gwinnett called her a witch as well, she insisted that it wasn’t true…it was just because the entire town had gone crazy from her mushroom soup. She soon realized that Gwinnett had eaten the mushrooms as well. Taking advantage of his drug-addled state, she managed to convince him that she was the Governor and that he was her assistant. As Governor, she issued an Order of Protection for the Widow Cocovin, granting her immunity from accusations of witchcraft.

Seth stopped by the Clermont Tavern and explained “Operation Ruckus” to Arnedict Barnold, who enthusiastically agreed to join. In return for his help, Barnold asked a small favor…he wanted to see this 21st-century “cellular telephone” of Seth’s. Since it didn’t work in this time anyway, Seth handed it over.

Hector regained consciousness and found himself lying on top of Penelope; seeing them in this compromising position, Cacafuego once again ran off. Penelope offered to help Hector make his relationships work, since she knows all about the heart and he knows all about the loins. Hector confessed that he had had a passionate encounter with Cocovin, only to discover that she was his direct descendant. Upon this discovery, his loins had retracted, turtle-like…and yet he still wanted her.

Atop the stone mountain, Arnedict Barnold theorized that the Fountain-of-Youth water he had saved (from the time Hector had used it to heal Barnold’s leg) might likewise be able to “heal” Seth’s strange cellular device. After placing a drop on the cell phone, Barnold managed to contact one of Seth’s 21st-century friends and asked to be brought home. Unfortunately, it was just an answering machine.

Gov. Gwinnett came to, found the decree proclaiming Cocovin’s innocence, and concluded that he must have issued it. Cacafuego galloped into the Governor’s office, and Gwinnett soon realized that the horse had split from his master. Gwinnett asked if Cacafuego would be his friend, and they rode off together.

A shellshocked Arnedict Barnold staggered into the Clermont Tavern. He tearfully informed Cocovin that he had been taken to the future and had seen that the Revolution could not be stopped. Racked with guilt over his betrayal of Washington, and appalled by the horrors that the future held, he told Cocovin that it was up to her to lead the new country onto a better path. With that, he slit his own throat. Cocovin pleaded with him not to die, and to hold on until she could fetch Hector and his healing water.

Hector and Penelope were having a picnic at Lover’s point when Cocovin ran up, begging Hector to save Barnold. Penelope angrily lashed out at Cocovin for breaking up their encounter with such a ridiculous story. Just then, Seth and Nickleby ran by and set fire to a bag of poop. Predictably, Hector stomped out the flames.

Essex Gallard was alone in the Governor’s office when Seth and Nickleby deposited a flaming bag of poop on the doorstep. Essex screamed and ran around in panic, but was too stupid to even think of stomping out the fire.

Gwinnett was out riding Cacafuego when they encountered a unicorn, which presented itself to Cacafuego. After a brief romantic encounter, they continued on their adventure until Nickleby threw a bag of poop at the Governor.

Cocovin brought Hector to the Tavern, only to discover that Barnold had vanished, leaving only a trail of blood. Thinking that she had lured him there to resume their relationship, Hector finally confessed (in song) that he was her ancestor. Attempting to form a more appropriate familial bond, he asked to bounce her on his knee. Nickleby came in and lit a bag of poop.

The Governor’s office, surrounded by flaming bags of poop, was now a raging inferno, as Essex Gallard continued to run around in panic. Arriving to find his mansion in flames, Gov. Gwinnett furiously castigated Gallard for his incompetence. Gwinnett’s clothes caught fire, and he stripped down to his underwear while continuing to argue with Gallard in the midst of the conflagration. Eventually, they both realized that it would be a better idea to resume the discussion OUTSIDE the burning building.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Episode 7: In Which a Mystery Unravels

Episode 7: In Which a Mystery Unravels

In the Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwnnett and Sir Richard DeGranville were discussing the mysterious disappearance of the Widow Cocovin. After Gwinnett ordered a cavalry of horses (no riders, just horses) to search for her, DeGranville brought up another matter: Why was Ridickolas Nickleby, a British soldier, being held as a prisoner of war, when the British are still clearly in charge of Little Five Ports? Gwinnett explained that there’s give and take to war; he gave Nickleby to the colonists, and got Alaska in exchange. DeGranville pointed out that Alaska is Russian territory and that the colonists have no claim on it…and that the “Russian diplomat” who made the deal was simply a crazy old man who lives under the bridge.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was nailing up “Lost Horse” notices since his faithful steed Cacafuego had abandoned him; coming across the passed-out Arnedict Barnold, Hector (distracted by his grief) nailed a sign to Barnold’s backside, waking him up. They theorized that the disappearances of Cocovin and Cacafuego may be connected. Out of nowhere, Barnold asked “Are you saying she’s a witch?” Realizing that his relationship to Cocovin could be kept secret if she were burned at the stake, Hector agreed that she had bewitched him.

Princess Penelope went to Seth’s treehouse, afraid that she would be suspected of Cocovin’s disappearance. When Seth asked why she would be a suspect, Penelope explained that she was the last person seen with Cocovin…and also, she was stabbing her a little bit. Seth understandably freaked out.

DeGranville paid a visit to Nickleby’s barbershop for a wig-cut. DeGranville brought up the subject of Nickleby’s imprisonment, pointing out that if he were free, they could go anywhere together as friends. Nickleby replied that he could wait for his sentence to end, but DeGranville pointed out that it was a life sentence. They needed to find a way to get Nickleby’s freedom legally. (“We need to once…just once…get the governor to understand something.”)

Arnedict Barnold was gleefully anticipating the capture and execution of Cocovin, explaining that he hated all women since the sin of Eve. Hector reluctantly humored Barnold’s ranting.

BARNOLD: “Give me a platonic male hug.”
HECTOR: “This does not feel platonic.”
BARNOLD: “A lot of things happened in Plato’s time.”

Seth went to the Governor’s office to turn in Penelope, but Gov. Gwinnett was more concerned by the loss of Alaska, which he blamed on witchcraft. Seth retorted that there was no such thing as magic, and witches are just hippie chicks. Gwinnett tried to prove that magic is real by doing a silly sleight-of-hand trick.

Having left the treehouse to get food, Penelope was found by DeGranville. They went into the unattended Clermont Tavern to discuss various matters, including DeGraville’s relationship with Nickleby. (“I’m not gay! That is, I’m gay in the sense of the word in THIS time, not in Seth’s.”) He noticed the blood on Penelope’s hand, and she explained that she was only playing Stabbies with the Widow Cocovin. She warned him that if he told anyone, she would tell everyone he’s a gayfer.

Afterwards, DeGranville informed Gwinnett of his suspicions about Penelope. Gwinnett happily declared that Penelope should be rewarded as a witch-killer. DeGranville explained that the Widow Cocovin was not a witch, because she weighed more than a duck. DeGranville had one condition for bringing Penelope to justice…he wanted Nickleby’s freedom in return. When Gwinnett hesitated, DeGranville turned in his resignation, explaining that he valued friendship over duty. Gwinnett protested that he was DeGranville’s friend, but DeGranville replied that they had never been friends.

Seth returned to his treehouse to find Penelope waiting there. He was torn between his guilt over turning her in and his fear for his life. She tried to explain herself, but his panicked jabber would not let her get a word in. Finally, Seth punched her in the face and fled.

Gov. Gwinnett came into Nickleby’s barbershop and informed him that DeGranville had asked for his freedom. However, if Nickleby were set free, someone else would have to take his place at the end of the tether…and it would have to be DeGranville. Nickleby agreed to let DeGranville take his place, but only if he could stay with him as his rope-keeper.

Arnedict Barnold and Hector “Macho” Gazpacho set out in search of Cacafuego. As Barnold launched into one of his speeches, another horse leapt through the air and rammed him in the crotch. Hector realized that these flying ponies could be useful for the revolution, but Barnold was too preoccupied with his own pain to appreciate their strategic value. Barnold cried that his leg was broken, and he was now a useless cripple. He begged Hector to kill him, but instead, Hector took out his bottle of Fountain-of-Youth water and used it to heal him. Cacafuego arrived just in time to see Hector rubbing Barnold’s leg, and once again stormed off.

DeGranville tracked Penelope down. Bitter that both Seth and DeGranville had tried to turn her in, she declared that she could no longer trust anyone. Penelope and DeGranville agreed to settle matters in the traditional British manner…by playing Stabbies. As they got on the floor and leg-wrestled (because that’s what Stabbies involves), their physical contact stirred something within DeGranville. He was puzzled by how he could have feelings for both Nickleby and Penelope, but she assured him that he was simply human like everyone else. Then she offered to touch his weiner.
TO BE CONTINUED…

Episode 6: In Which Cats Fly

Episode 6: In Which Cats Fly

Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was engaging in his morning workout, explaining that, since talking to Seth, he was beginning a physical-fitness regimen and cutting out carbohydrates (even though he had no idea what carbohydrates are). Sir Richard DeGranville tried to bring up a more important matter; since aquiring Seth’s 21st-century hoverboard, he had been trying to figure out how it works. (Putting it in terms the governor could understand, DeGranville explained it as “magic,” prompting Gwinnett to demonstrate some incompetent sleight-of-hand.) If he could duplicate the flying machine, it could lead to victory…but he needed more funding to study it.

The Widow Cocovin had led Arnedict Barnold to the top of the stone mountain, explaining how it could provide a useful vantage point for the revolutionary army. Barnold laughingly dismissed her suggestion, asking what a woman could possibly know about strategy.

Having discovered that Cocovin was his direct descendant, from a night of passion with a farmer’s daughter nearly 300 years back, the immortal Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was preparing to leave town in shame. Cocovin found him and tried to resume their romantic liaison. Disgusted by her incestuous advances, Hector drove her away by insulting her viciously. Appalled by Hector’s behavior, his faithful steed Cacafuego galloped off.

Ridickolas Nickleby was working at the front desk of the police station (“Where prisoners are police”) when Seth came in to report his stolen hoverboard. Puzzled by Seth’s technobabble-filled description, Nickleby grew frustrated by his inability to fill out the paperwork. Seth taught him how to express his frustration by shouting “Attica! Attica!” After they calmed down, Nickleby offered Seth a cupcake that Nickleby had baked for his own birthday.

Gov. Gwinnett was searching for doubloons to fund DeGranville’s research when he ran into Princess Penelope. He asked her what that thing on her face was, and she explained that it was a beauty mark. He wondered why anything so ugly would be called that. Getting back to the issue of money, Penelope explained that it could be earned through the exchange of goods or services. (“I could do magic.” “No, you can’t.”)

DeGranville was trying to recruit soldiers for his proposed flying army (“the Hawkmen”) when Arnedict Barnold came by, pointing out that he was being very public about his secret force. Barnold launched into a speech about man not being meant to fly, and DeGranville got on the hoverboard and flew away to escape from Barnold’s verbosity.

Nickleby and Seth went to the Governor’s office to arrest DeGranville for the hoverboard theft. Breaking in and finding it empty, they engaged in a little bit of role-playing, impersonating Gwinnett and DeGranville. They immediately realized how miserable Gwinnett and DeGranville’s lives were.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, despondent over his situation, sang about his fatal flaw (“I’m too horny!”).

After nightfall, Gov. Gwinnett and Penelope tried to break into the Clermont Tavern for doubloons; as they crawled towards the entrance, Penelope realized that she couldn’t get up again due to her corset. Gwinnett snuck in while Penelope stayed outside. Startled by a cat, the panicky Gwinnett immediately killed and ate it. He was soon set upon by a horde of vengeful cats; running out, he shouted to the cats “Take her! Take her!” Furious that he would abandon her, Penelope began arguing with him. The noise woke up the Widow Cocovin, who cheerfully invited them both inside.

The next morning, Gwinnett (having spent all the stolen doubloons on booze) presented DeGranville with an attack kitten, whom he named Gary. DeGranville tried to point out that kittens would be useless in fighting the revolution, and that they should be focusing on using the hoverboard as a weapon. Gary suddenly jumped onto the hoverboard and flew off.

At the Clermont Tavern, Cocovin confessed her heartbreak over Hector’s rejecting her, using interpretive dance to express what her words couldn’t. Penelope suggested that Cocovin play hard-to-get, then offered to be her go-between.

Hector, Barnold, and Seth met in Seth’s treehouse to plan a surprise birthday party for Nickleby, including baking a REAL cake for him. (Which they did in a montage sequence.)

DeGranville came to the police station to report the theft of his stolen hoverboard. As he reported it to Nickleby, Gary suddenly flew by. Depressed by the latest setback, DeGranville wondered why nobody liked him. Nickleby pointed out that DeGranville’s black clothes, sword-cane, and scar didn’t exactly make for a good first impression. DeGranville explained that he was allergic to pigmentation, the sword-cane was given to him on his grandfather’s deathbed, and the scar came from playing with the sword as a child (and he’d never sharpened the sword since). Nickleby realized that, for all his fearsomeness, DeGranville hadn’t actually done anything evil. He embraced DeGranville as a friend.

Hector went to Penelope’s Advice And/Or Lovemaking booth for counseling. He confessed to numerous sins in his long lifetime, but before he could explain about his inadvertent incest, Gov. Gwinnett came in for the Lovemaking booth and started trying to hump Hector.

The dejected Nickleby came home, sad that nobody had remembered his birthday. Suddenly, everybody jumped out and yelled “Surprise!” Nickleby thanked everybody for the party and the cake, then informed them that, despite it being his birthday, HE had a present to give…to celebrate their new friendship, he offered his red coat to DeGranville (assuring him that the dirt would insulate him from the color). Gary the kitten flew by, and Nickleby snatched the hoverboard from under him. DeGranville had a choice…he could either take the coat as a symbol of friendship, or the hoverboard that could be a powerful weapon. After a moment’s decision, he took the coat. Nickleby proclaimed that, with all of them united in celebration, nothing could possibly go wrong.
TO BE CONTINUED…

Episode 5: In Which There Is a Revelation About the Revolution

Episode 5: In Which There Is a Revelation About the Revolution

In the Governor’s office, Sir Richard DeGranville informed Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett of the latest crisis: a plague was striking Little Five Ports. Before DeGranville could describe what the symptoms were, Gwinnett came up with his own list of symptoms, like shifty eyes and touching one’s hat. When DeGranville pointed out that Gwinnett was just listing DeGranville’s own habits, Gwinnett shouted that DeGranville had the plague. Gwinnett pulled a gun, and DeGranville took out his sword-cane.

Princess Penelope wrote a letter to Sir Dale Carnegie asking for advice on how to get people to treat her with respect. Ridickolas Nickleby came in to apologize for his outburst at their last encounter, but he was extremely upset by her declaration that England no longer exists. She told him he shouldn’t have taken her literally; he replied that, as she was a princess, he was obligated to believe her every word. Nickleby read her letter and pointed out that she had written out all of her “ums” and “ers”; she sadly explained that she had never been schooled. They devised a plot to enroll her in the school, but to preserve her reputation, they would say she’s training to be a teacher.

Connie Cocovin sneaked into Hector “Macho” Gazpacho’s cave. Dismayed by his surroundings, she offered him a room at the Clermont Tavern, but he explained that he felt uncomfortable around the townspeople. They reminisced about last night’s bout of passion (“You rocked me like a tornado of pubes and nipples!”).

Arnedict Barnold stormed Seth’s treehouse, demanding Seth’s knowledge of the future. Seth protested that he didn’t have any knowledge (“I’m from public school!”), but Barnold warned him that if he didn’t share it willingly, he would eat Seth’s brain to gain his wisdom. He then presented Seth with a standardized test.

DeGranville was stuck in quarantine with only a sick horse for company. Outside, Hector rode by, happy to be free with a healthy horse.

In the schoolhouse, Penelope told Gwinnett that she wanted to be a teacher. He pointed out that, as a school lady, she would have to be a spinster; she had no problem with that, as there was nobody in town that she would want to marry anyway. A student pointed out that the proper word was “schoolmarm,” not “school lady,” and Gwinnett shot him for having the plague. Penelope accepted the position, asking for the townspeople to build her a palace as her salary. Gwinnett then started making a move on her. When she protested, he told her that while she may be royalty, he’s the one who calls the shots.

Cocovin was returning from her liaison with Hector when she ran into Ridickolas Nickleby. Detecting the scent of olives, Nickleby realized that she had been with a Spaniard, and asked how she could sully herself with such a man. She furiously retorted with some 21st-century profanity she had learned from Seth.

Seth was trying to invent the Internet by training possums to carry messages to each other, when Hector arrived. During their conversation, they realized that they were both out of place here, with Seth being a time-traveler from the future and Hector an eternally young conquistador from the past. Seth high-fived Hector over their common bond, but Hector was unfamiliar with the gesture. (“You struck me! Do we have to duel now?”)

Barnold was thrown into quarantine because he had touched his hat, causing Gwinnett to assume he had the plague. DeGranville explained that there was no plague; he had made up the story to manipulate Gwinnett, but it backfired on him. Barnold had a confession of his own…there was no Revolution, either. He had fabricated the entire thing as a satire, killing many people on both sides for added verisimilitude. DeGranville realized that, if there is no revolution, then there was no danger to the Governor, and his vow was void. Barnold pointed out that there WAS a danger…the very knowledge that it’s fake.

Gwinnett tested Nickleby for the plague by asking him what rhymes with “orange.” Nickleby replied “War hinge—the hinge on which this war swings.” Nickleby then informed Gwinnett that Cocovin had been dallying with Hector “Macho” Gazpacho. Enraged by the thought of the town’s women being defiled by a Spaniard, Gwinnett set out to spy on Hector’s cave.

On top of a tall stone mountain, Hector was looking down over the town, mourning the lost opportunity to claim all this beauty for Spain. Cocovin came up, exhausted from the climb. Hector introduced her to his steed Cacafuego, and she remarked on the coincidence—she recalled from her family history that, about 300 years back, she had a great-great-etc.-grandfather who was a Spaniard with a horse named Cacafuego. Hector immediately became nauseated by the realization.

Arnedict Barnold composed a letter to King George III, urging him to replace his daughter Penelope as she had become one of the common people, accepting a position as a schoolmarm.

At the schoolhouse, Penelope was attempting to teach a sex-education class by explaining what a uterus is; the children asked her to show them hers. Seth came in and was shocked by the diagram on the chalkboard. When Penelope complained about her inability to control the unruly children, Seth told her about managerial skills by recounting how he used to work in a fast-food restaurant with a strict, mean manager whom everyone hated…then one day, he killed himself, and was replaced by a cool, easy-going guy that everyone liked. Penelope asked if there was a moral to the story, or if he was just suggesting that she kill herself.

Nickleby brought mutton and water to DeGranville in quarantine, and they had a discussion about the concepts of freedom and imprisonment. When Nickleby mentioned that he had the key, DeGranville knocked him out with his cane.

Governor Gwinnett was strolling through town, shooting everybody that he thought had the plague.

At the Clermont Tavern, Penelope was preparing to hang herself (while a drunken patron shouted catcalls). Nickleby rushed in to rescue her and to silence the heckler. Nickleby asked why she would consider ending her life, when she has more than everybody else in town. Penelope recalled that she had heard of a place called a pawn shop, where she could convert her useless, ornamental jewels into real wealth to actually accomplish things. They set out for Buford Highway together.

DeGranville, escaped from quarantine, ambushed Seth and demanded proof that he was indeed from the future. After Seth demonstrated by flying on his hoverboard, the impressed DeGranville asked if the American Revolution was real or not. Seth informed him that it did indeed happen.

Cocovin brought some tea to Barnold in quarantine. Not knowing his secret, she informed him that from the top of the stone mountain, she could see all over the colony…and this could be a good vantage point to attain victory in the Revolution.

In his office, Gwinnett was writing laws when DeGranville came in, flying on Seth’s hoverboard. After a brief chase around the office, DeGranville warned Gwinnett that a real revolution was coming. Ignoring the warning, Gwinnett grabbed the hoverboard and flew off…immediately colliding with a pillar.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Episode 4: In Which Animal Passions Are Unleashed

Episode 4: In Which Animal Passions Are Unleashed

In the Governor’s office, Sir Richard DeGranville informed Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett that the people on the outskirts of town where getting sick from tainted water, prompting Gwinnett to ask why they were putting their taints in the water. DeGranville suggested that they protect themselves with a quarantine, so Gwinnett ordered the formation of a perimeter around the city, to be called “The Perimeter.” Then, Gwinnett went back to amusing himself by spinning in his swivel chair.

Princess Penelope was standing by the wishing well, wishing for a way out of this horrible place…and for a friend. Seth came by, wishing for a way to return to the 21st century. They tried combining their wishing powers, but nothing happened. Observing how Seth had made so many friends despite being even more of an outsider than she is, she asked how he did it. He explained that all he does is be nice to people and do things for them. He then demonstrated by punching out a guy who was making harassing catcalls at Penelope.

At the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin was cleaning up when Ridickolas Nickleby arrived, explaining that he was late because he was watching Seth punch out a guy. She complained that he had missed “Taint Night,” but Nickleby informed her that the Governor had outlawed taints, and had set up a perimeter with 285 men guarding it. Getting back to the business of cleaning, Cocovin was desperate to get rid of the Tavern’s perpetual urine smell. She believed that Seth had something called “ammonia,” and asked Nickleby to get it from him. Nickleby agreed, despite not knowing what ammonia is.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was wahing his horse Cacafuego when Arnedict Barnold arrived. Hector was understandably upset by Barnold’s previous attempt to murder him, but Barnold apologized, asking whether Hector had ever done anything he regretted. Hector recalled the time he lost his hat in alligator-infested waters, and lost many men sending them to retrieve it. Barnold reassured him that his kicky little hat was well worth the sacrifice.

Gov. Gwinnett and Sir Richard DeGranville were stuck in traffic, while that same guy who harassed Penelope shouted sarcastic remarks at them. In response, DeGranville shot him with a poison dart from his blowgun-cane. Gwinnett asked why he had done that to someone singing his praises, and DeGranville attempted to explain the concept of sarcasm. (“They are insulting you with compliments!”)

Ridickolas Nickleby went to Seth’s treehouse, explaing that he’d been sent to fetch ammonia. Seth didn’t have any, but he did have some witch hazel; Nickleby was thrilled by the thought of cleaning with witchcraft. Seth, still angered by Cocovin’s treatment of Penelope, said that he wouldn’t give it to her unless she paid handsomely. (“She can’t tickle my fancy…or fancy my feast!”)

At the Clermont Tavern, Princess Penelope told the Widow Cocovin that she was trying to make friends, and asked if there was any favor she could do for Cocovin. Cocovin asked how they got rid of the smell of urine in England, and Penelope explained the concepts of hygiene and wiping. Penelope explained that, as she’d given up hope of returning to England, she would no longer be called “Princess,” but simply “Penelope.” She asked for some common clothes to fit in better, and Cocovin gave her her apron (though Penelope couldn’t fit it over her her hair).

Hector was riding through the woods, with Arnedict Barnold close at his heels, desperate to learn from the immortal Spaniard’s accumulated wisdom. Hector was discomforted by the violation of his personal space, but his horse welcomed the attentions of Barnold’s steed, Thunderpumpkin. Soon, the two horses began getting it on.

DeGranville entered the Governor’s office, where Gov. Gwinnett was practicing the technique of sarcasm. DeGranville informed Gwinnett that his Perimeter had snarled traffic throughout the town, and the cost of maintaining the 285 was astronomical. Gwinnett suggested that they set up tollbooths to pay off the cost. When DeGranville pointed out that the townspeople would not be happy about a new tax, Gwinnett authorized him to kill people who won’t pay.

Nickleby walked into the Clermont Tavern and was surprised to see Penelope working. She explained that she no longer considered herself a princess…and that, as far as she was concerned, England no longer exists. Nickleby protested that England was his home, where his wife Mitzi waits for him. Penelope replied that Mitzi probably thought he was dead, and had likely opened her walls to other men. His spirit broken, Nickleby ran out crying and cursing Penelope’s name. She protested that she was only trying to be nice.

Cacafuego and Thunderpumpkin were basking in the afterglow, pondering a life together without their masters.

Stuck in traffic, Arnedict Barnold ran into Seth. Gazing upon the crowd, Barnold launched into a verbose discourse about the common people, which was too obscure for Seth to follow. Barnold clarified by singing a song of his vision of a country where all people are equally free to masturbate. DeGranville interrupted the song by demanding a toll, showing them the edict authorizing deadly force.

Inspired by Penelope’s reinvention of herself, the Widow Cocovin decided that she would no longer be called “the Widow,” but would now simply be Connie Cocovin. Upon meeting her, Hector was instantly smitten by her glamour, and asked her “Do you know how a Spanish man makes love?” He then took off his cape and waved it in front of her. Unable to resist, she charged at him.

Nickleby ran into Governor Gwinnett’s office, wailing that Penelope had declared that England no longer exists. Stunned by this news, Gwinnett concluded that Penelope had magical powers…powers which he coveted. Nickleby recalled that Seth had something called “witch hazel,” and they reasoned that this substance had banished England into the haze. If they could retrieve this witch hazel, they could bring England back.

DeGranville entered the Clermont Tavern, where Penelope explained that she had taken up service out of the goodness of her heart. Pondering the ideas of goodness and service, DeGranville recalled the vow he made to Gwinnett’s father…a vow to take care of Nigel for as long as he lives. Noticing the way his eyes shifted as he said “as long as he lives,” Penelope realized DeGranville’s sinister meaning. DeGranville explained that Gwinnett’s idiocy was the only thing holding him back from unleashing the wrath of England…and while he was sworn to serve Gwinnett, she could release him from that obligation.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Episode 2: In Which Blood and Other Fluids Are Spilled

Episode 2: In Which Blood and Other Fluids Are Spilled

In the Governor’s office, Sir Richard DeGranville was attempting to go over important tax matters, but Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was too preoccupied by pondering the question of how bees can make both wax AND honey.

In the town square, Arnedict Barnold explained to Seth that he was trying to dissuade the colonists from fighting, because freedom is not worth dying for. “Freedom is totally free!” However, he was still collecting a tax on it.

At the Clermont Tavern, Princess Penelope lamented to the Widow Cocovin that her father, King George III, had left her behind in this filthy colony. Now, Penelope would have to work to earn her keep—a concept she had never experienced, but had always been curious about. The Widow Cocovin suggested that Penelope could work in the Tavern’s secret lounge, showing a little ankle (and perhaps even an elbow) for the gentleman patrons. Cocovin demonstrated by lifting her skirt a couple of inches, and Arnedict Barnold immediately rushed in and taxed her for lewdness.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, freed from his wife Esmerelda, brought his steed Cacafuego in to Ridickolas Nickleby’s stable to be groomed—a full body wash with a happy ending. As they pondered what they would do with the resulting (ahem) discharge, Nickleby suggested that they collect the seed in Hector’s helmet, then prop it in a doorway to fall on some unsuspecting fool. Laughing over their planned prank, Nickleby and Gazpacho formed an immediate bond of friendship, and Nickelby shared his backstory: He had been captured by Washington’s troops while pursuing his escaped pet parakeet, and one of Washington’s men had ruthlessly slit his horse’s throat, then further humiliated Nickleby by forcing him to bathe in its blood. And the man who did that was Arnedict Barnold.

Seth paid a visit to the rebels’ headquarters, where Arnedict Barnold presented him with a gun in the shape of a horse. (“I invented it with my free thought!”) Seth was ready to join the revolution, but Barnold asked “How would you be free if you obeyed my orders? Screweth my orders!”

Sir Richard DeGranville entered the Governor’s office, upsetting the helmet full of horse seed propped in the doorway, which spilled upon his head. As DeGranville and Gwinnett tried to figure out what this substance was (“This isn’t honey…I’ve tasted this before…”), the Widow Cocovin entered and remarked “Wow, that’s a lot of semen.” Finding Hector’s name inscribed on the helmet, DeGranville swore revenge.

Later, in the secret gentlemen’s lounge of the Clermont Tavern, Princess Penelope auditioned for the Widow Cocovin. Instructed to show a little ankle, Penelope got carried away by the music and actually showed her calves as well. Cocovin told her that she now had to choose a stage name, by combining the name of Penelope’s first pet with the address where she first lived. Penelope was now “Fritz England.”

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho and Ridickolas Nickleby were laughing over their prank, when Arnedict Barnold came by to collect his freedom tax. Barnold threatened to kill Hector’s horse if he didn’t pay up. Nickleby attempted to defuse the situation, suggesting they settle it with a jump-rope-off (using Nickleby’s tether). However, when Hector stumbled on the first pass, Barnold made good on his promise by slashing Cacafuego’s throat. He then put his blade to Hector’s throat, but Hector laughed off Barnold’s threat: “Cut away, my friend! Cut away!” Much to Hector’s surprise, Barnold did.

In the Clermont Tavern’s lounge, Seth had come to see the debut of the new dancer “Fritz England.” Shortly afterwards, Arnedict Barnold joined him. Princess Penelope came out and began her routine, but soon found herself overtaken by the music and went farther than planned, stripping down to her corset. Seth, recognizing “Fritz England” as Penelope (due to her tattoo, which he remembered from the history books), urged her to put her dress back on and regain her dignity. He then berated the Widow Cocovin (“You’re a pimp! And not in a good way!”). With the Princess’ identity revealed, Arnedict Barnold presented her with the taxes he’d collected.

Sir Richard DeGranville and Governor Gwinnett were wandering through the woods, searching for Hector so that Richard could take his vengeance. Gwinnett was still going on about bees, wax, and honey.

Elsewhere in the woods, Ridickolas Nickleby knelt beside the mortally-wounded Hector. DeGranville arrived; seeing that he was too late to take his revenge, the disappointed DeGranville simply returned Hector’s helmet and stormed off in frustration. After DeGranville left, Hector instructed Nickleby to reach into his cape and pull out the bottle in his pocket, then told him to apply the water to his wound. Instantly, the water from the Fountain of Youth healed him. Nickleby then used the water to heal Cacafuego as well. Nickleby, amazed by the water’s miraculous powers, wondered why Hector was stuck in this rathole with such wonders at his disposal. Hector explained that he could do anything except one thing—swim. The Fountain water had left him unable to deal with common water, so he could not cross the ocean to return to Spain. (Nor could he bathe.) However, its other powers included granting Cacafuego the gift of flight, which he demonstrated by having Nickleby ride into the sky (until his tether ran out). Nickleby and Hector swore their eternal friendship—well, eternal until Nickleby dies and Hector lives on.

Princess Penelope was sitting alone in her poetry circle, waiting for her writing partner Seth. Arnedict Barnold arrived, but since he’s not on the roster, he had to leave (but not before confiscating one of her earrings for the freedom tax). Penelope sang her poem about being alone. Outside, Sir Richard DeGranville walked by, singing his own lonely song. As their songs blended together, DeGranville entered the room and they began talking. Seeing the human side beneath Richard’s scary demeanor, Penelope invited him to a weekend getaway, but he could not abandon his duty to the Governor. He sympathetically touched her shoulder, then realized he had been too forward. He offered to cut off his own hand to make up for it.

Seth came to Governor Gwinnett’s office for some fatherly (if moronic) advice. Seth explained that, since being stuck in the 18th century, he was trying his best not to change the past, but he worried that there could be horrific consequences to even the smallest things, like teaching everybody the high-five. Of course, this all went over Gwinnett’s head, but he was very upset that Seth hadn’t taught HIM the high-five. Gwinnett called in DeGranville and ordered him to take Seth to the torture dungeon until he reveals the secret of the high-five. Seth created a distraction (“Hey, what’s that over there?”) and escaped. Gwinnett forgot why he had ordered Seth captured in the first place.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Episode 1: In Which We Meet Our Players

Episode 1: In Which We Meet Our Players

In the office of His Majesty’s Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett, the Governor was wondering where all the dust on his desk was coming from. His right-hand man, the ruthless Richard DeGranville, explained that dust comes from shed skin cells, prompting the Governor to issue an decree outlawing skin-shedding. DeGranville pointed out a more pressing order of business—the impending visit by His Majesty King George III. Gwinnett suggested that they honor the King with a parade, with wagons covered in roses and oranges. He dispatched DeGranville to find that Spanish chap, Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, and have him smuggle in some oranges from Florida.

Meanwhile, the King arrived and paid a visit to his exiled daughter, Princess Penelope. He recounted a strange sight he had encountered on his way over: Clouds shaped like bunnies chasing clouds shaped like sharks, while saying something about “representation.” Penelope warned him that telling people about this would only fuel his reputation for madness, and she sang the popular “Crazy George” song.

At the Clermont Tavern, the tavern’s owner, the Widow Cocovin, and British prisoner-of-war Ridickolas Nickleby were showing the ropes to new employee Seth (a 21st-century high-school student who had been left behind on a time-traveling field trip). As Seth helped prepare for the King’s visit, he expressed his concern about how he would pay his way in this strange new (or rather, strange old) world. The Widow Cocovin assured him that she would repay his work with her kindness. And by “kindness,” she meant “vagina.”

General George Washington and his second-in-command, Arnedict Barnold, were going over strategy for the revolution. Appalled by Washington’s incompetence in not noticing a redcoat patrol, Barnold discovered the reason for Washington’s carelessness—a hemp pipe in the General’s coat. As Barnold lectured him, Washington launched into a stoned discourse about bees and bears.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, a Spanish conquistador who had discovered the fountain of youth and had wandered the New World for 300 years, was strolling through the woods with his wife Esmerelda (who had not drunk from the fountain but had kept herself alive through sheer hatred). Esmerelda cast her runes and predicted that Hector would lose that which he desires most…and that she would be with him forever. Hector kicked away the runes.

King George III arrived at Governor Gwinnett’s office, beaming with pride on the upcoming parade. Richard DeGranville attempted to warn the King that the people were restless and that there was danger, but his explanation went over the King’s head. The Governor put it in terms that George could understand, by continuing the sharks-and-bunnies metaphor.

Seth was helping Ridickolas Nickleby run the printing press to make announcements for the King’s parade. Seth congratulated Nickleby by showing him how to do a high-five, then worried that he might have changed the future by doing so. General Washington came in to sneak a joint. Seeing Nickleby’s red coat, Washington wrestled him to the ground. Seth explained that they were printing leaflets for the King, but he had changed the portrait by drawing a killer biker ’stache on him—which was sure to blow people’s minds because nobody even knows what a biker is.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was strolling through the wood with his faithful steed, Cacafuego. Hector lamented that he had let eternal youth go to his head; he had gotten distracted from his mission to claim land for Spain, and now feared to return to his homeland. Richard DeGranville interrupted Hector’s soliloquy to demand a shitload of oranges.

Washington, Seth, and Nickleby were hanging around and getting high (while Arnedict Barnold stood by and disapproved). George complained about his strained relationship with Martha, while Seth regaled the others with spicy tales of 21st-century dating rituals (including shameless kissing). Nickleby, observing the shape of an oil lamp, invented the bong.

At the Clermont Tavern, Gov. Gwinnett and the King were sharing some brews, while Gwinnett warned George that he was in danger from George Washington. Smelling the King’s confusion from far away, Richard DeGranville rushed in and explained to the King that he is not the only “George” in the world. Finally catching on, the King proposed that they keep Washington away from the celebration by declaring it a “No Georges Allowed” event. When DeGranville pointed out that this would exclude the King from his own party, they changed it to “No Washingtons Allowed.”

Alone, dejected, and hideous, Esmerelda Gazpacho was wandering through the woods. Alone, dejected, and georgeous, Princess Penelope strolled by and introduced herself. When Esmerelda lamented that her husband would never give her a child, Penelope pointed out that the 300-year-old Esmerelda was unlikely to conceive in any case. Esmerelda countered that, despite her age, her womb was a juicy peach rather than a dried avocado. She recalled that she used to be the most beautiful maiden in her village, and was queen of the onion festival. Penelope offered to give Esmerelda a bath and a new dress so she could recapture her old glamour. Touched by her kindness, Esmerelda read Penelope’s future in some bird entrails, predicting that she would soon find love.

In Washington’s absence, Arnedict Barnold addressed the troops, urging them to surrender.

Richard DeGranville was guarding the door to the party when Hector “Macho” Gazpacho arrived, having failed in his quest for oranges. DeGranville proposed that Hector could make up for his failure by killing Washington, in return for which, DeGranville would kill Esmerelda for Hector. The rest of the guests arrived, including George Washington (who claimed to be Ridickolas’ cousin Jorge). George Washington’s eyes met Esmerelda’s, and they began making love right there in front of everybody. Washington’s disguise fell off during their passionate embrace. Before DeGranville could strike at the exposed General, Washington fled, declaring his love for Esmerelda as he escaped. Esmerelda pledged to wait for him, even for 300 more years.

TO BE CONTINUED…