Episode 10: Knowing One’s Ass from One’s Elbow
In the garage, paramedic Rosie Jay (disguised as Nurse Vanessa Goodhead) was nostalgically looking over her old ambulance when she discovered little Sammy Swanson hiding in the back. She offered to let the dying boy drive the ambulance, though he needed to sit on her lap while she worked the pedals. Afterwards, Sammy thanked her for her kindness, but lamented that nobody was working on granting him his dying wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. “Vanessa” offered to get a papier-mâché horse and dress up like Michael Jordan, then they could pretend they’re on the moon. Sammy found this offer incredibly lame.
Dr. Corky Howser introduced the hospital’s newest employee, a 6’3” talking chicken whom he’d brought in to entertain the children.
Former Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was drinking in the bar while baseball great Two-Shoes Blair recounted the story of how Babe Ruth cracked the Liberty Bell. Sturgis then told Two-Shoes that he’d been fired from the hospital. Two-Shoes offered his sympathies, and they danced to James Ingram’s “Just Once.”
Due to the staff shortage, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Cluckles the 6’3” chicken were performing surgery on a patient, with predictably fatal results.
As Sammy lamented that his parents had just dropped him off while they enjoyed the Disneyland vacation from the Make-a-Wish Foundation, “Vanessa” offered to take him in at her apartment. Sammy thanked her, then confided that he thought he’d developed another illness in addition to his terminal speech impediment and brain tumor. He explained that his body had been going through some weird changes, so Rosie presented a montage explaining all about puberty.
Sturgis went to Yummy Wampler to ask for help in getting his job back. When Yummy gloated about his getting what he deserved, Sturgis suggested that she look on the computer and check the “Yummy’s Retirement Fund” folder. He explained that he’d been diverting money from the hospital for all those years to secretly reward her…but if he’s fired from the hospital, she’d never be able to access it. Yummy agreed to get him reinstated.
Cluckles was signing the discharge papers so Sammy could go home with “Vanessa.” Suddenly, Cluckles broke down and cried over the patient he lost. Sammy reassured him: “You’re not a god, you’re just a chicken.”
Two-Shoes Blair burst into Dr. Corky Howser’s office and reminded him about an operation he performed three years ago: Two-Shoes’ mother came in for a liver transplant, and Corky replaced her liver with a kidney instead. Now, he’d come for revenge. In response, Corky reminded Two-Shoes about another operation he’d done one year ago: When Two-Shoes was injured in a game, Corky implanted a secret control chip in his elbow…and now, Corky could control Two-Shoes’ right arm with a telephone.
At “Vanessa’s” apartment, Sammy turned on the TV and stumbled onto a porn channel. When “Vanessa” came in, she immediately shut it off, then explained that there’s no love in those movies like there should be. She told him that she had another surprise for him…then she brought in a horse, a jersey, and a space helmet.
Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” in the nurses’ lounge when Yummy entered and asked him to re-hire Sturgis. When Corky asked what was in it for him, Yummy offered to divert hospital funds to get Corky an endless supply of Chapstick. Corky agreed.
Cluckles was swimming in the exercise pool when Two-Shoes Blair entered. When Two-Shoes recognized Cluckles as the San Diego Chicken, Cluckles explained that he’d decided to take a break and scale back his career into smaller venues. Suddenly, the chip in Two-Shoes’ elbow took control, causing Two-Shoes to grab his own crotch.
Sturgis St. Cloud and “Vanessa” met in the park for a game of horseshoes and a discussion. He revealed that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, and she confronted him about his attempt on her life. He protested that he never intended to kill her, but only make it look as though she was dead for a few days. In the heat of their argument, he confessed that he found her irresistible. He kissed her, she slapped him, and he grabbed her to carry her off. Rosie’s skirt got hiked up in the struggle, just in time for little Sammy to arrive and see her ass.
Two-Shoes Blair, accompanied by Cluckles, went to see Yummy Wampler to plead for some experimental arm-numbing medication. Two-Shoes’ arm went out of control and groped Yummy…so what was Cluckles’ excuse for doing the same?
Sammy rushed into Corky’s office and told him that he’d seen Sturgis abducting “Vanessa” (and had seen her butt in the process), but that Sturgis had called her “Rosie” while he was doing it. Realizing that Rosie was still alive, Corky swore to rescue the woman he loved. Corky declared that, while Sammy had only a few hours to live, Sturgis was going to die even sooner.
Yummy gave Two-Shoes a dose of an experimental medicine to bring his arm under control, then warned him that the drug might be hard on a man his age. Two-Shoes suddenly collapsed, knocking over the table.
Sturgis was holding Rosie hostage on the roof when Corky burst in. Pushing Rosie away, Sturgis reminded Corky that he’d protected Corky from lawsuits and financial ruin for all his time at the hospital…protection that the retarded teenage doctor couldn’t give himself once he’s in charge. Suddenly, Two-Shoes Blair and Sammy Swanson burst in. Grabbing a telephone, Corky took control of Two-Shoes’ arm and forced him to grab Sturgis by the throat. Gasping for breath, Sturgis issued a warning to Corky:
STURGIS: “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown! I’m also…your father! No, that’s not true…I just know how much you love Star Wars.”
At that point, Corky made Two-Shoes drop Sturgis off the roof.
TO BE CONCLUDED…
Showing posts with label two-shoes blair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label two-shoes blair. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Season 10, Episode 9: Circus of Horrors
Episode 9: Circus of Horrors
Rosie Jay (still masquerading as the late Vanessa Goodhead) and Barney Kabob were in the ambulance, driving to pick out engagement rings and discussing their future together. Rosie envisioned raising three kids, and Barney suggested that they get a dog instead. Eventually, they settled on a compromise: one large dog or two small ones for each child they have. Suddenly, an emergency call came over the radio announcing that a circus train had derailed.
The young patient Sammy Swanson, having suffered a relapse of his terminal speech impediment, was sitting in his hospital room when baseball legend Two-Shoes Blair entered. Two-Shoes explained that he’d come to the hospital to brighten up Sammy’s dying days. He presented Sammy with a dog (whom Sammy named Scrapples) and a jock-cup, then explained that Sammy could summon him at any time by rubbing the cup.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Dr. Corky Howser were playing pool in the hospital’s bar, The Rusty Scalpel. Sturgis apologized for overworking Corky, explaining that he was just trying motivate Corky into the best retarded doctor he could be. He offered to be Corky’s father figure, then gave him some papers to sign (or at least mark) making it official. Suddenly, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler rushed in with news of the circus train crash.
Father Bob, who had let his newly-discovered healing powers go to his head and had taken to wearing a white robe, was admitting an injured elephant at the triage station. Attorney Wince Medler entered and offered to get the elephant a huge pain-and-suffering settlement. Father Bob explained that there would be no pain and suffering to repay after he uses his magic dick to heal all the injured people and animals. Medler countered that suing, not healing, is what brings in the money.
While treating an injured monkey, Corky explained to Rosie/“Vanessa” that he’d come to realize that he truly loved Rosie, and since she was dead now, she’d never know how he really felt. “Vanessa” assured him that Rosie was hearing every word he said. Corky said that, as a man of science (or at least a retarded teen of science), he couldn’t believe that. He lamented that he would never know love again.
While operating on an injured clown, Barney Kabob confided to Yummy Wampler that he was nervous about his upcoming wedding. Yummy warned him that wedding jitters could have disastrous consequences…and could even lead to death. Barney frantically asked her what she meant by that, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.
Sammy Swanson and Two-Shoes Blair ran into Wince Medler, who warned Sammy not to put his faith in “Steroid” Blair. As Two-Shoes professed his innocence, Sturgis came by and handed him his steroid prescription. Disillusioned, Sammy ran off in tears. When Two-Shoes threatened Wince for exposing him, Wince explained that he could offer him a new undetectable steroid that could land him a slot on the National Nationals.
Up on the roof, Sammy was contemplating his lost innocence when Sturgis St. Cloud walked up. Sturgis explained that, since his attempt to save Sammy’s life had failed, he would now help Sammy pack as much living as possible into his last days. In other words: PARTY!!!!
A panicked Yummy ran through the halls, shouting that the circus’ lions and stilt-walkers had escaped. Rosie grabbed a stun-gun from the supply closet and prepared to patrol the hospital. Corky entered, and the startled Rosie immediately stunned him.
Barney Kabob and Father Bob had barricaded themselves in the Little Varsity Jr., trying to hold the lions at bay. Father Bob announced that he would go out and face the lions like the Christians of old, with faith that his holy powers would protect him. Immediately after he left, horrible screams filled the air, and Bob’s robe and collar came flying through the door.
In the pediatric wing, Wince Medler and Two-Shoes Blair comforted the children by singing a song about the subjects they knew best: drugs and hookers.
Sturgis took Sammy on a double-date with a couple of girls they had rescued from the animals. Sturgis tried to hit his date up for some gratitude sex, but they were more interested in watching “The Iron Giant” with Sammy.
As Yummy treated his stun-gun injury, Corky informed her that Sturgis had drawn up some adoption papers for him earlier…and since the leadership of the hospital had been passed down through the St. Cloud family for generations, that meant that he could now wrest control from Sturgis. Yummy was thrilled by this news, until Corky informed her that he’d have her working harder and longer shifts than ever before, since she’d been part of the system that exploited his Down’s Syndrome and only paid him in apple slices and Tortino’s pizza rolls.
Rosie and Barney were patrolling the hospital, stunning animals left and right. Barney told her that the danger had made him realize how much he wanted her in his life, and erased the doubts he was having about marriage.
After a montage of partying, Sammy thanked Sturgis for showing him such a good time in his last days. Sturgis comforted Sammy by comparing death to the ending of “The Iron Giant,” explaining that his soul would explode into a million pieces then draw itself back together.
Afterwards, Sturgis told Corky how good he felt about finally doing something good for a patient. Corky complimented him on developing a bedside manner, than handed him his pink slip. Sturgis agreed to clean out his desk, but warned Corky that he’d regret this.
With Corky gone mad with power, Yummy consulted Wince Medler to see if he could break the contract. Medler agreed to help her if she’d serve as his maid for two weeks.
Sammy was searching for his dog Scrapples when a giant circus crocodile suddenly appeared and ate Scrapples. Terrified, Sammy rubbed the magic jock-cup, and Two-Shoes Blair rushed in to the rescue, killing the crocodile by jamming a baseball down its throat after an intense battle. Sammy thanked Two-Shoes for restoring his faith in him, and Two-Shoes promised to hit two home runs in his next game…one for Sammy, and one for Scrapples.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Rosie Jay (still masquerading as the late Vanessa Goodhead) and Barney Kabob were in the ambulance, driving to pick out engagement rings and discussing their future together. Rosie envisioned raising three kids, and Barney suggested that they get a dog instead. Eventually, they settled on a compromise: one large dog or two small ones for each child they have. Suddenly, an emergency call came over the radio announcing that a circus train had derailed.
The young patient Sammy Swanson, having suffered a relapse of his terminal speech impediment, was sitting in his hospital room when baseball legend Two-Shoes Blair entered. Two-Shoes explained that he’d come to the hospital to brighten up Sammy’s dying days. He presented Sammy with a dog (whom Sammy named Scrapples) and a jock-cup, then explained that Sammy could summon him at any time by rubbing the cup.
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Dr. Corky Howser were playing pool in the hospital’s bar, The Rusty Scalpel. Sturgis apologized for overworking Corky, explaining that he was just trying motivate Corky into the best retarded doctor he could be. He offered to be Corky’s father figure, then gave him some papers to sign (or at least mark) making it official. Suddenly, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler rushed in with news of the circus train crash.
Father Bob, who had let his newly-discovered healing powers go to his head and had taken to wearing a white robe, was admitting an injured elephant at the triage station. Attorney Wince Medler entered and offered to get the elephant a huge pain-and-suffering settlement. Father Bob explained that there would be no pain and suffering to repay after he uses his magic dick to heal all the injured people and animals. Medler countered that suing, not healing, is what brings in the money.
While treating an injured monkey, Corky explained to Rosie/“Vanessa” that he’d come to realize that he truly loved Rosie, and since she was dead now, she’d never know how he really felt. “Vanessa” assured him that Rosie was hearing every word he said. Corky said that, as a man of science (or at least a retarded teen of science), he couldn’t believe that. He lamented that he would never know love again.
While operating on an injured clown, Barney Kabob confided to Yummy Wampler that he was nervous about his upcoming wedding. Yummy warned him that wedding jitters could have disastrous consequences…and could even lead to death. Barney frantically asked her what she meant by that, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.
Sammy Swanson and Two-Shoes Blair ran into Wince Medler, who warned Sammy not to put his faith in “Steroid” Blair. As Two-Shoes professed his innocence, Sturgis came by and handed him his steroid prescription. Disillusioned, Sammy ran off in tears. When Two-Shoes threatened Wince for exposing him, Wince explained that he could offer him a new undetectable steroid that could land him a slot on the National Nationals.
Up on the roof, Sammy was contemplating his lost innocence when Sturgis St. Cloud walked up. Sturgis explained that, since his attempt to save Sammy’s life had failed, he would now help Sammy pack as much living as possible into his last days. In other words: PARTY!!!!
A panicked Yummy ran through the halls, shouting that the circus’ lions and stilt-walkers had escaped. Rosie grabbed a stun-gun from the supply closet and prepared to patrol the hospital. Corky entered, and the startled Rosie immediately stunned him.
Barney Kabob and Father Bob had barricaded themselves in the Little Varsity Jr., trying to hold the lions at bay. Father Bob announced that he would go out and face the lions like the Christians of old, with faith that his holy powers would protect him. Immediately after he left, horrible screams filled the air, and Bob’s robe and collar came flying through the door.
In the pediatric wing, Wince Medler and Two-Shoes Blair comforted the children by singing a song about the subjects they knew best: drugs and hookers.
Sturgis took Sammy on a double-date with a couple of girls they had rescued from the animals. Sturgis tried to hit his date up for some gratitude sex, but they were more interested in watching “The Iron Giant” with Sammy.
As Yummy treated his stun-gun injury, Corky informed her that Sturgis had drawn up some adoption papers for him earlier…and since the leadership of the hospital had been passed down through the St. Cloud family for generations, that meant that he could now wrest control from Sturgis. Yummy was thrilled by this news, until Corky informed her that he’d have her working harder and longer shifts than ever before, since she’d been part of the system that exploited his Down’s Syndrome and only paid him in apple slices and Tortino’s pizza rolls.
Rosie and Barney were patrolling the hospital, stunning animals left and right. Barney told her that the danger had made him realize how much he wanted her in his life, and erased the doubts he was having about marriage.
After a montage of partying, Sammy thanked Sturgis for showing him such a good time in his last days. Sturgis comforted Sammy by comparing death to the ending of “The Iron Giant,” explaining that his soul would explode into a million pieces then draw itself back together.
Afterwards, Sturgis told Corky how good he felt about finally doing something good for a patient. Corky complimented him on developing a bedside manner, than handed him his pink slip. Sturgis agreed to clean out his desk, but warned Corky that he’d regret this.
With Corky gone mad with power, Yummy consulted Wince Medler to see if he could break the contract. Medler agreed to help her if she’d serve as his maid for two weeks.
Sammy was searching for his dog Scrapples when a giant circus crocodile suddenly appeared and ate Scrapples. Terrified, Sammy rubbed the magic jock-cup, and Two-Shoes Blair rushed in to the rescue, killing the crocodile by jamming a baseball down its throat after an intense battle. Sammy thanked Two-Shoes for restoring his faith in him, and Two-Shoes promised to hit two home runs in his next game…one for Sammy, and one for Scrapples.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)