Episode 5: Everybody Dies
Officer Simpson was grilling the Commodore about the murder of Mary Lou Retton. She brought in a line-up of suspects (Dan Mandarino, Officer Snatch, Buster Banks, Angelo Lansbury, and a random guy), asking the Commodore to point out the person he saw standing over Mary Lou’s body. She confessed that she believed the Commodore himself did it, but she was willing to frame whoever he picked out. Seeing a chance for revenge, the Commodore identified Dan Mandarino as the killer. They pulled Dan out of the line-up and confiscated his football. Simpson revealed the reason for her action: she’s pregnant with the Commodore’s child.
Angelo Lansbury was trying to handle his business affairs when Rodriguez Philbin entered. Rodriguez revealed that he was Angelo’s son, whom Angelo had tried to have killed by a “baby hitman.” Angelo told Rodriguez that he was at death’s door due to having his liver ejected from his body. Rodriguez immediately went from vengeful to sympathetic, and offered to kill everybody in town to find a match for his liver.
Buster Banks was in his editing room when his lost love, Dixie Greenflag, entered. She revealed that, since fleeing town after shooting Angelo, she had found religion and was putting her life as a porn star behind her. (“The only threesome I’m interested in now is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.”) She asked Buster to join her in her new life.
Dan Mandarino was working as a celebrity bartender at Coconutz, despondent without his football. (Even his career highlights were dull now.) Shula Goldamayer entered and congratulated him for blowing out Angelo’s liver. She offered him a chance to fight more crime by joining the police force. She admitted that they had a lot in common…she used to play football as well, though she played street football because she was too hardcore for the NFL. Dan suddenly recognized her as his idol, “The Shulanator.”
In Simpson & Snatch’s apartment, Simpson told Snatch that she believed she was pregnant. Snatch wanted to have a baby herself so that they could share the experience together, even though Simpson had two weeks’ headstart.
SIMPSON: “Maybe you could have your baby prematurely.”
SNATCH: “Well, I do smoke a lot.”
When Simpson revealed that the father was the Commodore, Snatch was appalled. Snatch explained how the Commodore had threatened her mother. They were both so emotionally conflicted that they decided to go out and get drunk.
The Commodore and Buster Banks were hanging out at the arcade. Buster noticed that the Commodore had Dan’s football…which was only the first part of the Commodore’s plan to get revenge on Dan. Buster suggested that they combine that with his own plan to get revenge on Rodriguez Philbin for killing Mary Lou Retton. Struck by a sudden inspiration, Buster asked the Commodore to take over Mary Lou’s role in his movie.
Angelo was in the hospital for his daily blood-cleansing when Dixie Greenflag entered. Despite their having tried to kill each other, their strange circumstances brought them to a kind of truce. Now that he’s at death’s door, Angelo asked Dixie to forgive him for getting her into porn. She asked him to repent for all his misdeeds, not just his crimes against her. He agreed, and promised not to stand in the way of her marriage with Buster.
Officer Snatch was buying donuts at a convenience store when Rodriguez Philbin entered and introduced himself. Snatch reminded him that she had arrested him last week, and tried to do so again. When Rodriguez threatened to take her liver, Snatch told him that she knew an even better match…somebody she needed to get rid of anyway. If Rodriguez would eliminate her enemy, she would provide him with a victim…Dixie Greenflag.
Shula Goldamayer was going over some new legislation when Angelo staggered in, asking her help in moving him up the list to get a new liver. Shula pointed out that she had predicted that his life of crime would lead to something like this. When he said that he regretted his evil ways, Shula opened her desk drawer and presented him with the perfect type B-Positive liver…Mary Lou Retton’s.
The Commodore went to see Simpson, ready to take responsibility as a father. She revealed that she wasn’t pregnant after all, then pulled her gun on him for threatening Snatch’s mother. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, and ordered him to go. Before he left, he gave her a gift of “the future”…a computer diskette.
At Amateur Night at Coconutz, Dixie Greenflag was singing a rockin’ song about finding religion. At the end of her song, Rodriguez Philbin came on stage and complimented her on her performance. (“I find you very attractive. Therefore, I must kill you in front of this amateur night audience.”) After strangling her, Rodriguez took a bow and announced, “I’ll be here all week.”
Buster Banks was filming Dan Mandarino in a commercial for Tiger Malt Liquor. In the course of their conversation, Buster mentioned the sex tape he had of Dan and Poppi. Dan said he would do anything to get that tape back.
At Coconutz, Simpson and Snatch investigated the crime scene. Snatch recognized Dixie as the star of her favorite porn film, “Guess Who’s Coming at Dinner?” Simpson figured that the murder was the work of Rodriguez Philbin, but Snatch made up an alibi for him, claiming he was having sex with her at the time. Simpson was appalled that Snatch might be pregnant, now that Simpson knew that she herself wasn’t. Snatch asked Simpson to be the father figure for her baby.
Rodriguez Philbin was cooking Beanie Weenies at Buster’s place, then hid when Buster arrived. Buster found a newspaper headline announcing Dixie’s murder. Before he had time to grieve, he heard the tell-tale flatulence and discovered Rodriguez. Buster grabbed his gun.
RODRIGUEZ: “You can shoot me, Buster Banks…but know that you’d be shooting your own brother!”
BUSTER: “I’ll investigate that plot point later!”
With that, Buster shot Rodriguez.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label rodriguez philbin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rodriguez philbin. Show all posts
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Season 7, Episode 4: A Gold Medal in Murder
Episode 4: A Gold Medal in Murder
Buster Banks and Poppi were making cold calls to raise funds for Buster’s movie. When they called on a Mr. Francoise, Poppi started negotiating in French, getting Mr. Francoise to commit $250,000. When Francoise asked “Who do I make the check out to?”, they thought he was saying something about Gerard Depardieu, so they agreed to cast him.
Shula Goldamayer used her menorah to hypnotize Officer Snatch and find out her true feelings about Dan Mandarino.
SNATCH: “Dan Mandarino, he’s really hot…he really likes me…a lot.”
SHULA: “You rhymed! That means it’s true love!”
Angelo Lansbury was on the pier, pitching his cocaine to passersby, when a mysterious stranger walked by. The man introduced himself as Rodriguez Philbin, explaining that he had just come to America from Cuba to avenge his father’s murder. Angelo welcomed Rodriguez to America by giving him a bag of cocaine.
Officer Simpson was fixing breakfast for the Commodore after their night of passion. The Commodore confessed that he wasn’t comfortable with human contact, but Simpson replied that he didn’t seem to uncomfortable last night. She took off the Commodore’s glasses, telling him that he could be really attractive if he loosened up.
When Detective Furman confessed that he was in a very dark mood since losing the enchanted wig, and that he had burned the “impostor” wig, cursing it for ruining his dreams. Poppi pointed out that no hairpiece could ruin Furman’s dreams…only Furman himself did that. As they talked, Poppi’s theme song started playing, and Furman and Poppi danced to it. Poppi realized that Furman had also heard “the inner monologue of the homosexual male,” but Furman denied it.
Buster Banks was in the studio when Rodriguez Philbin knocked on the door. Buster recognized Rodriguez as his old friend from when he spent spring break in Cuba. Rodriguez asked if he and his 12 cousins could stay in Buster’s studio. Buster agreed, on the condition that Rodriguez play the dead body in his movie. When Rodriguez complimented Buster on his Mary Lou Retton-style flag-design jumpsuit, they suddenly got the brilliant idea of asking Mary Lou Retton to co-star in the movie.
Detective Furman was hanging out at Coconutz when Mayor Shula Goldamayer came in and fired him because he’d ordered Snatch to rat on Dan Mandarino. Furman started ranting about how Dan thought he could get away with anything, then Shula reminded Furman that he himself had given Dan immunity from prosecution. Noticing the cocaine on the floor, Shula realized she needed to take drastic measures to help Furman. She handcuffed herself to Furman to keep him away from drugs.
FURMAN: “I’ll die, I tell you!”
SHULA: “Then I’ll drag your dead body around and pretend you’re alive!”
At Coconutz, Poppi offered Angelo his latest drink invention, the “Pooty-Tooter.” As Angelo drank it, a football suddenly flew through the air and struck Angelo.
Out on the streets, Simpson and Snatch were placing a tape outline around a dead body (“This is like a REAL case!”). As they examined the body, Rodriguez Philbin walked up and tried to take the body away. As Simpson and Snatch prepared to arrest him for interfering with a crime scene, he explained about his quest for vengeance.
RODRIGUEZ: “I’m looking for the man who killed my father, and if I have to kill every white woman in this town to do it, I will!…Did I just say that out loud?”
In the hospital, Angelo explained to the Commodore that the football had hit him so hard, he “pooped out his liver.” He now needed a transplant. However, his blood type (B-Positive) was so rare, that the only matches were the other 9 people in the cast.
Buster went to the prison to visit Rodriguez, but was stopped by Officer Simpson at the admittance desk. He identified himself as Buster Banks (“Perhaps you’ve seen one of my movies scrambled on your TV at night”), and Simpson was awestruck. She was a big fan of his movies, but offered him some constructive criticism on the lighting. Impressed, he hired her as a lighting person. As he reached across the desk to shake hands, he accidentally knocked over Simpson’s portable siren, and she slugged him.
Having escaped from jail, Rodriguez Philbin went to Coconutz looking for a job as a cook. Poppi had so much trouble understanding him that Rodriguez finally dropped his accent and asked Poppi not to reveal that he wasn’t really Cuban. Rodriguez explained that years ago, he had seen a videotape of his father being killed, but now he believed that it was actually his father DOING the killing…and that his father was Angelo Lansbury.
Shula Goldamayer dragged Detective Furman to temple for some perspective. As she prayed, God spoke to them and told Furman to read the scroll on the altar. God told him to stare at the scroll and unfocus his eyes until the message appeared.
The Commodore called on Officer Snatch, informing her that his program had named her as the best match for Angelo’s liver. He warned her that if she didn’t donate her liver, he could make life hell for her…even worse than life without a liver.
Rodriguez Philbin was alone in Buster’s studio when Mary Lou Retton arrived, eager to start work on Buster’s movie. Consumed with bloodlust, Rodriguez killed her just as Buster walked in.
As Angelo and Poppi were shopping for funeral clothes (just in case), Poppi warned Angelo about Rodriguez’ quest for vengeance. To show his love, Poppi was prepared to save Angelo in two ways: He would donate half of his liver, plus he would disguise himself as a woman and set himself out as bait to trap Rodriguez.
The Commodore arrived at Buster’s studio and was horrified by the sight of Buster kneeling over Mary Lou Retton’s corpse. (“You’ve killed an innocent woman who looked like a child!”) Buster proclaimed his innocence, and told the Commodore that they had to find Rodriguez Philbin.
BUSTER: “Have you seen a small Hispanic man running around?”
COMMODORE: “In Miami?”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Buster Banks and Poppi were making cold calls to raise funds for Buster’s movie. When they called on a Mr. Francoise, Poppi started negotiating in French, getting Mr. Francoise to commit $250,000. When Francoise asked “Who do I make the check out to?”, they thought he was saying something about Gerard Depardieu, so they agreed to cast him.
Shula Goldamayer used her menorah to hypnotize Officer Snatch and find out her true feelings about Dan Mandarino.
SNATCH: “Dan Mandarino, he’s really hot…he really likes me…a lot.”
SHULA: “You rhymed! That means it’s true love!”
Angelo Lansbury was on the pier, pitching his cocaine to passersby, when a mysterious stranger walked by. The man introduced himself as Rodriguez Philbin, explaining that he had just come to America from Cuba to avenge his father’s murder. Angelo welcomed Rodriguez to America by giving him a bag of cocaine.
Officer Simpson was fixing breakfast for the Commodore after their night of passion. The Commodore confessed that he wasn’t comfortable with human contact, but Simpson replied that he didn’t seem to uncomfortable last night. She took off the Commodore’s glasses, telling him that he could be really attractive if he loosened up.
When Detective Furman confessed that he was in a very dark mood since losing the enchanted wig, and that he had burned the “impostor” wig, cursing it for ruining his dreams. Poppi pointed out that no hairpiece could ruin Furman’s dreams…only Furman himself did that. As they talked, Poppi’s theme song started playing, and Furman and Poppi danced to it. Poppi realized that Furman had also heard “the inner monologue of the homosexual male,” but Furman denied it.
Buster Banks was in the studio when Rodriguez Philbin knocked on the door. Buster recognized Rodriguez as his old friend from when he spent spring break in Cuba. Rodriguez asked if he and his 12 cousins could stay in Buster’s studio. Buster agreed, on the condition that Rodriguez play the dead body in his movie. When Rodriguez complimented Buster on his Mary Lou Retton-style flag-design jumpsuit, they suddenly got the brilliant idea of asking Mary Lou Retton to co-star in the movie.
Detective Furman was hanging out at Coconutz when Mayor Shula Goldamayer came in and fired him because he’d ordered Snatch to rat on Dan Mandarino. Furman started ranting about how Dan thought he could get away with anything, then Shula reminded Furman that he himself had given Dan immunity from prosecution. Noticing the cocaine on the floor, Shula realized she needed to take drastic measures to help Furman. She handcuffed herself to Furman to keep him away from drugs.
FURMAN: “I’ll die, I tell you!”
SHULA: “Then I’ll drag your dead body around and pretend you’re alive!”
At Coconutz, Poppi offered Angelo his latest drink invention, the “Pooty-Tooter.” As Angelo drank it, a football suddenly flew through the air and struck Angelo.
Out on the streets, Simpson and Snatch were placing a tape outline around a dead body (“This is like a REAL case!”). As they examined the body, Rodriguez Philbin walked up and tried to take the body away. As Simpson and Snatch prepared to arrest him for interfering with a crime scene, he explained about his quest for vengeance.
RODRIGUEZ: “I’m looking for the man who killed my father, and if I have to kill every white woman in this town to do it, I will!…Did I just say that out loud?”
In the hospital, Angelo explained to the Commodore that the football had hit him so hard, he “pooped out his liver.” He now needed a transplant. However, his blood type (B-Positive) was so rare, that the only matches were the other 9 people in the cast.
Buster went to the prison to visit Rodriguez, but was stopped by Officer Simpson at the admittance desk. He identified himself as Buster Banks (“Perhaps you’ve seen one of my movies scrambled on your TV at night”), and Simpson was awestruck. She was a big fan of his movies, but offered him some constructive criticism on the lighting. Impressed, he hired her as a lighting person. As he reached across the desk to shake hands, he accidentally knocked over Simpson’s portable siren, and she slugged him.
Having escaped from jail, Rodriguez Philbin went to Coconutz looking for a job as a cook. Poppi had so much trouble understanding him that Rodriguez finally dropped his accent and asked Poppi not to reveal that he wasn’t really Cuban. Rodriguez explained that years ago, he had seen a videotape of his father being killed, but now he believed that it was actually his father DOING the killing…and that his father was Angelo Lansbury.
Shula Goldamayer dragged Detective Furman to temple for some perspective. As she prayed, God spoke to them and told Furman to read the scroll on the altar. God told him to stare at the scroll and unfocus his eyes until the message appeared.
The Commodore called on Officer Snatch, informing her that his program had named her as the best match for Angelo’s liver. He warned her that if she didn’t donate her liver, he could make life hell for her…even worse than life without a liver.
Rodriguez Philbin was alone in Buster’s studio when Mary Lou Retton arrived, eager to start work on Buster’s movie. Consumed with bloodlust, Rodriguez killed her just as Buster walked in.
As Angelo and Poppi were shopping for funeral clothes (just in case), Poppi warned Angelo about Rodriguez’ quest for vengeance. To show his love, Poppi was prepared to save Angelo in two ways: He would donate half of his liver, plus he would disguise himself as a woman and set himself out as bait to trap Rodriguez.
The Commodore arrived at Buster’s studio and was horrified by the sight of Buster kneeling over Mary Lou Retton’s corpse. (“You’ve killed an innocent woman who looked like a child!”) Buster proclaimed his innocence, and told the Commodore that they had to find Rodriguez Philbin.
BUSTER: “Have you seen a small Hispanic man running around?”
COMMODORE: “In Miami?”
TO BE CONTINUED…
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