Episode 9: Mystery in Space
His spine having been broken by Altair-9000, Stephan Fechet was lying in the hospital when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by to treat him with another of her hawk-guano tonics. She hoped she could cure him as a farewell present before she leaves for the planet Mystic Handjob.
Armageddon Uno delivered the turbo engines that Altair had requested. As payment, Armageddon wanted Altair to find out who killed Dmitri Turnankoff last week, so that Armageddon could take the killer’s scalp in revenge.
Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People went to Tamborina to discuss the upbringing of Lumpy, the baby that Dr. Hoelikker had given to Tamborina. Having only a short time left to live, Tamborina wanted to spend her last days with the baby. Schmultan swore to be with her as well. (“I’ll die with you…I mean, I’ll be with you when YOU die.”)
Captain Flash Buckstar was flying a kite in preparation for the upcoming Kite-Off competition. A crewman named Bob came by with some data for Buckstar to enter into the Computron. Rather than put down his kite, Buckstar told Bob his personal ID code. As Bob entered the numbers, the Computron, registering Bob as Buckstar, delivered a fatal electric shock.
Armageddon Uno was up at Inspiration Point, preparing to bury Dmitri’s shirt as a farewell ceremony, when Dr. Gaye Hoelikker came by and noticed the tears in his eyes. Reluctantly, Armageddon explained that he had lost his “best friend of three minutes,” and had sworn to kill Dmitri’s murderer. Now that he had gotten that secret off his chest, he felt it was only fair that Gaye tell him a secret of hers. When Gaye hesitated, Armageddon remembered that she’d given him “Mr. Mister 4th of July,” her toy that stored everybody’s deepest secrets. As he held the doll up to Gaye’s face, Mr. Mister 4th of July declared “I killed Dmitri Turnankoff.” Enraged, Armageddon threw the toy to the ground and began shooting it. (“Those plushies can be vicious.”) Only afterwards did the synapses in Armageddon’s brain start connecting, and he realized that Gaye was the killer.
Captain Flash Buckstar was knitting a hat for the upcoming Knit-Off competition, when a crewman named Johnny came by with a delivery of peanut butter for the Captain. When Johnny remarked that he hadn’t tasted genuine Earth peanut butter in years, Buckstar offered him some. Johnny took a taste and immediately fell dead.
Altair-9000 stopped by during Stephan’s physical therapy to apologize for breaking his back. Stephan angrily refused the robot’s apology, then began dragging himself along the floor to attack Altair. Easily sidestepping Stephan’s assault, Altair declared that he’d come to put Stephan out of his misery, but Stephan’s feeble attempts at revenge were too hilarious.
Captain Flash Buckstar and Prince Schmultan finished building a house for the Lunar Habitat for Humanity Build-Off. As Buckstar told Schmultan about the string of bad luck and mysterious deaths that had been occurring around him, another crew member walked by and offered to warm up Buckstar’s Camaro for him. Shortly afterwards, there was the sound of a huge explosion and the crewman’s screams of agony.
Stephan Fechet dragged himself into the casino on his walker. To make it easier for him, Schmultan brought the game down to the floor. Trying to encourage Stephan, Schmultan revealed that in his youth, he suffered from wingiosis, a crippling deformity of the wings. Schmultan urged Stephan to overcome his disability just as he had.
Captain Flash Buckstar was in the final frame of the Miniature Bowling Bowl-Off when Armageddon Uno came by with a hank of hair stuffed in his belt. Armageddon explained that he’d tried to scalp Dmitri’s killer as he’d sworn, but he only managed to cut off one pigtail before she ran away. As Buckstar told Armageddon about the attempts on his life, another crewman entered. (“Somebody mailed me this vial of poison and told me to give it to you. Think I’ll drink it myself.”)
Setting up the turbo engines, Altair-9000 gloated about his plan to accelerate the moon out of its orbit and into the sun. He attempted a diabolical laugh.
Tamborina went to Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s office and was startled to see the half-scalped Gaye’s new asymmetrical hairdo. Running a medical scanner over Tamborina, Gaye confirmed that Tamborina was dying, but hinted that she might be able to do something with the DNA that’s been accumulating on the cigarette Tamborina’s had in her mouth for 50 years. Setting down for a heart-to-heart talk, Tamborina said that she thought Gaye and Schmultan would make a good couple, and that they could raise Gaye’s baby together.
Armageddon Uno was piloting Stephan Fechet to another doctor who might be able to fix Stephan’s spine. In an attempt to make it easier for Stephan to sit, Armageddon unstrapped Stephan’s backpack. Freed of its weight, Stephan suddenly stood up and began walking. (“It was the backpack the entire time!”)
Captain Flash Buckstar used the Computron to contact the world’s greatest detective, Sir John Holmes of Scotland Yard, who appeared as a holographic projection. After Buckstar explained all the attempts on his life, Holmes started his amazing deductions. Unfortunately, before he could reveal the killer’s identity, the connection was broken.
Prince Schmultan took Tamborina out to the pool for one last fling. When she asked who was taking care of the baby, he replied that he’d left her at home alone, but reassured Tamborina that she’d be fine. As she began to lecture him on parental responsibility, he explained that he was only kidding…he’d left her in Armageddon Uno’s care. Just then, Armageddon came by with Lumpy and threw her into the pool to teach her to swim. Schmultan dove in and rescued her, and Tamborina apologized for doubting him. Schmultan asked Tamborina to marry him.
Captain Flash Buckstar discovered one of the turbo engines Altair had set up, and figured that this was part of the plot to kill him. Just then, the killer finally revealed himself…it was none other than an older version of Buckstar himself! The older Buckstar explained that he’d come back in time to kill his younger self, since he’d always hated himself and what he’d done to his career. Altair-9000 and Armageddon Uno entered, and Altair revealed that the future Buckstar had promised him the secret to becoming human in exchange for killing the past Buckstar. Altair snapped the young Buckstar’s neck, and both Buckstars fell dead on top of each other. Altair and Armageddon then headed off to activate the turbo engines.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label sir john holmes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sir john holmes. Show all posts
Friday, February 20, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Season 7, Episode 9: Everybody Dies
And now, the final episode of the Miami season!
Episode 9: Everybody Dies
Mayoral candidates Dan Mandarino and Jim McMayonnaise met for a debate, with the Commodore moderating. Jim revealed that he was running for a sympathy vote, explaining that he not only had just a few months to live, but on top of that he was going blind. The only thing he wanted before his death was to be mayor. Dan started his rebuttal, but the Commodore declared that time was up as soon as Dan opened his mouth.
At a homeless mission, a bedraggled figure was trying to open a can of beans with his teeth when Sir John Holmes entered. Using his astounding powers of deduction, he calculated that this shabby vagabond was either the Captain (of The Captain & Tennille) or Angelo Lansbury. Angelo explained that, after he lost all his cocaine, the rest of his fortune went with it. Holmes warned Angelo that he still blamed him for introducing cocaine to England…and causing the death of Holmes’ son. Angelo pleaded for mercy, explaining that he knew who now had his cocaine. Reluctantly, Holmes and Angelo agreed to work together to track down Miami’s new druglord, Orville Furman.
Outgoing Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some last-minute paperwork, distraught over the recall election. She couldn’t believe that such an important race had been reduced to a dog-and-pony show with two football stars and other celebrities vying for attention. The Commodore entered to ask why she hadn’t entered the debate. She replied “What’s the point of debating morons?” The Commodore urged her not to give up, and she revealed that she wasn’t giving up her fight against evil…she was only giving up the mayor’s office so she wouldn’t be bound by legal restraints. Once she’s free from office, she can fight evil on her own terms, and live up to her middle name…Shula Ramberg Goldamayer.
The newly-wealthy Detective Orville Furman was compensating Simpson and Snatch for all their years of lousy pay, taking them shopping for new shoes. When they asked where he got all this money, he told them he “inherited” it. They decided to go out and get messed up. (Since Snatch was pregnant, Simpson agreed to get messed up enough for both of them.)
At Pepino’s, Dan was drowning his sorrows while Snatch was drinking near-beer. He asked her why she was siding with Jim McMayonnaise when she was carrying Dan’s child. She replied that Jim truly cared about her, whereas Dan just kept throwing footballs and daiquiris at her. She told Dan that she had good news and bad news.
DAN: “Gimme the bad news first, then gimme the good news twice.”
SNATCH: “Well, the good news and the bad news is really the same thing, so…Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me.”
DAN: “I think Jim McMayonnaise just signed his own death warrant.”
Jim McMayonnaise was filming a public service announcement with Angelo Lansbury to fight hunger (by feeding Angelo a Touchdown Honey Bun). Suddenly, a football flew through the air, narrowly missing Jim. Shrugging off the incident, Jim bragged that the election was in the bag…he had fixed the election by telling the Make-a-Wish Foundation that he was dying and going blind, and they were going to make his wish of being mayor come true. Angelo warned Jim that he’d made a big mistake by lying to the Make-a-Wish Foundation…if you tell them you’re dying, and you don’t die, they kill you anyway. Jim realized that his only hope of surviving was to develop a terminal illness. Suddenly, another football narrowly missed Jim.
Sir John Holmes and Officer Simpson were practicing at the firing range when Holmes tried to break the news that Detective Furman was engaged in illegal activities. She couldn’t believe what he was saying about her “soul-mate,” then offered to show off her marksmanship by shooting the corncob pipe out of Holmes’ mouth.
Detective Furman was in his new high-rise apartment when Shula smashed down the door. Furman once again tried to accuse Shula of being the real druglord (having planted more cocaine in her desk), but she wasn’t having any part of it. She pulled out her Throwing Star of David.
The Commodore went to say goodbye to Snatch, explaining that he’d been offered a position at Langley University, to work on the most advanced computer program in existence…the Altair Project, creating artificial intelligence in a clunky robot body. Snatch replied that it was probably for the best, since she was going to marry Jim McMayonnaise anyway. They would each find their own happiness, Snatch with Jim and the Commodore with his project.
Detective Furman was weighing out his cocaine in his high-rise when Angelo entered. As Furman gloated over taking over Angelo’s business, Angelo presented him with one of the “perks” of the business…a bill for all the cocaine Furman had stolen, along with moving expenses. When Furman protested, Angelo threatened to take him to The People’s Court.
Snatch was trying on bridal gowns (and admiring her ass in the mirror) when Poppi arrived, wearing a beautiful gown. He explained that he had returned to Miami to be her bridesmaid. He presented her with something old (his old Village People biker cap), something new (a Reese’s peanut butter cup), something borrowed (a condom he borrowed from a friend), and something blue (a picture of a guy he blew).
At Pepino’s, Jim McMayonnaise’s bachelor party was in full swing. The Commodore presented Jim with a program he’d written where a woman takes off her pixilated clothing…he called it “Leisure Suit Larry.” Sir John Holmes suggested that they employ the services of a lady of the evening. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim.
Dan Mandarino told Simpson about his plan to kill Jim McMayonnaise and then marry Snatch himself. He showed her the ring he’d gotten for Snatch, containing the densest diamond known to man (“It’s the God-Ring”). When Simpson asked what was in this plan for her, he replied that HE was in it for her.
Angelo Lansbury and Detective Furman went on The People’s Court, presided over by special guest judge Tony Danza. Furman argued that when Angelo gave him a kilo of cocaine as a gift back in the first episode, that meant that he was entitled to the rest of Angelo’s cocaine. Unimpressed, Tony Danza ruled in Angelo’s favor. Suddenly, Shula burst in, shirtless (but thankfully still wearing a bra), wearing a headband, and carrying a huge machine-gun. No longer was she Mayor Goldamayer…now, she was RAMBERG! Ramberg struck a blow for justice by shooting Detective Furman repeatedly. Tony Danza used his “Who’s the Boss” housekeeping skills to clean up the mess.
The wedding of Officer Snatch and Jim McMayonnaise was about to begin, with the Commodore conducting the service, Poppi as the bridesmaid, and Tony Danza as the best man. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim, but the ceremony continued. More footballs struck, this time actually hitting Jim. The Commodore spotted the assassin, Dan Mandarino. The Commodore took a football, but wrestled Dan to the ground. Despite having killed the groom, Dan asked Snatch to forgive him and marry him instead. Before she could reply, the mortally-injured Commodore threw one of Dan’s own footballs at him. With almost everybody else dead, Snatch asked Tony Danza to marry her.
Ramberg prepared to announce the results of the election, even though both candidates had just died. Opening the envelope, she was stunned to discover that the winner was a write-in candidate…Ramberg! Suddenly, the spirits of Detective Furman, Dan Mandarino, and Jim McMayonnaise appeared, swearing to haunt her. Luckily, being Jewish, she didn’t believe in them. The spirits departed, and Angelo Lansbury arrived. He explained that losing his fortune had made him see the error of his ways, and he wanted to atone for his past. He revealed that he had organized the write-in campaign that restored her to office. Suddenly, Sir John Holmes arrived, still seeking revenge for his son’s death. Angelo calmly walked up to Holmes, explaining his new program of forgiveness, which he called “Hugs, Not Drugs.” Angelo hugged Holmes, who dropped his billy club and broke down crying.
POPPI: “This is the Miami I’ve come to know and love!”
THE END
Episode 9: Everybody Dies
Mayoral candidates Dan Mandarino and Jim McMayonnaise met for a debate, with the Commodore moderating. Jim revealed that he was running for a sympathy vote, explaining that he not only had just a few months to live, but on top of that he was going blind. The only thing he wanted before his death was to be mayor. Dan started his rebuttal, but the Commodore declared that time was up as soon as Dan opened his mouth.
At a homeless mission, a bedraggled figure was trying to open a can of beans with his teeth when Sir John Holmes entered. Using his astounding powers of deduction, he calculated that this shabby vagabond was either the Captain (of The Captain & Tennille) or Angelo Lansbury. Angelo explained that, after he lost all his cocaine, the rest of his fortune went with it. Holmes warned Angelo that he still blamed him for introducing cocaine to England…and causing the death of Holmes’ son. Angelo pleaded for mercy, explaining that he knew who now had his cocaine. Reluctantly, Holmes and Angelo agreed to work together to track down Miami’s new druglord, Orville Furman.
Outgoing Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some last-minute paperwork, distraught over the recall election. She couldn’t believe that such an important race had been reduced to a dog-and-pony show with two football stars and other celebrities vying for attention. The Commodore entered to ask why she hadn’t entered the debate. She replied “What’s the point of debating morons?” The Commodore urged her not to give up, and she revealed that she wasn’t giving up her fight against evil…she was only giving up the mayor’s office so she wouldn’t be bound by legal restraints. Once she’s free from office, she can fight evil on her own terms, and live up to her middle name…Shula Ramberg Goldamayer.
The newly-wealthy Detective Orville Furman was compensating Simpson and Snatch for all their years of lousy pay, taking them shopping for new shoes. When they asked where he got all this money, he told them he “inherited” it. They decided to go out and get messed up. (Since Snatch was pregnant, Simpson agreed to get messed up enough for both of them.)
At Pepino’s, Dan was drowning his sorrows while Snatch was drinking near-beer. He asked her why she was siding with Jim McMayonnaise when she was carrying Dan’s child. She replied that Jim truly cared about her, whereas Dan just kept throwing footballs and daiquiris at her. She told Dan that she had good news and bad news.
DAN: “Gimme the bad news first, then gimme the good news twice.”
SNATCH: “Well, the good news and the bad news is really the same thing, so…Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me, Jim McMayonnaise is marrying me.”
DAN: “I think Jim McMayonnaise just signed his own death warrant.”
Jim McMayonnaise was filming a public service announcement with Angelo Lansbury to fight hunger (by feeding Angelo a Touchdown Honey Bun). Suddenly, a football flew through the air, narrowly missing Jim. Shrugging off the incident, Jim bragged that the election was in the bag…he had fixed the election by telling the Make-a-Wish Foundation that he was dying and going blind, and they were going to make his wish of being mayor come true. Angelo warned Jim that he’d made a big mistake by lying to the Make-a-Wish Foundation…if you tell them you’re dying, and you don’t die, they kill you anyway. Jim realized that his only hope of surviving was to develop a terminal illness. Suddenly, another football narrowly missed Jim.
Sir John Holmes and Officer Simpson were practicing at the firing range when Holmes tried to break the news that Detective Furman was engaged in illegal activities. She couldn’t believe what he was saying about her “soul-mate,” then offered to show off her marksmanship by shooting the corncob pipe out of Holmes’ mouth.
Detective Furman was in his new high-rise apartment when Shula smashed down the door. Furman once again tried to accuse Shula of being the real druglord (having planted more cocaine in her desk), but she wasn’t having any part of it. She pulled out her Throwing Star of David.
The Commodore went to say goodbye to Snatch, explaining that he’d been offered a position at Langley University, to work on the most advanced computer program in existence…the Altair Project, creating artificial intelligence in a clunky robot body. Snatch replied that it was probably for the best, since she was going to marry Jim McMayonnaise anyway. They would each find their own happiness, Snatch with Jim and the Commodore with his project.
Detective Furman was weighing out his cocaine in his high-rise when Angelo entered. As Furman gloated over taking over Angelo’s business, Angelo presented him with one of the “perks” of the business…a bill for all the cocaine Furman had stolen, along with moving expenses. When Furman protested, Angelo threatened to take him to The People’s Court.
Snatch was trying on bridal gowns (and admiring her ass in the mirror) when Poppi arrived, wearing a beautiful gown. He explained that he had returned to Miami to be her bridesmaid. He presented her with something old (his old Village People biker cap), something new (a Reese’s peanut butter cup), something borrowed (a condom he borrowed from a friend), and something blue (a picture of a guy he blew).
At Pepino’s, Jim McMayonnaise’s bachelor party was in full swing. The Commodore presented Jim with a program he’d written where a woman takes off her pixilated clothing…he called it “Leisure Suit Larry.” Sir John Holmes suggested that they employ the services of a lady of the evening. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim.
Dan Mandarino told Simpson about his plan to kill Jim McMayonnaise and then marry Snatch himself. He showed her the ring he’d gotten for Snatch, containing the densest diamond known to man (“It’s the God-Ring”). When Simpson asked what was in this plan for her, he replied that HE was in it for her.
Angelo Lansbury and Detective Furman went on The People’s Court, presided over by special guest judge Tony Danza. Furman argued that when Angelo gave him a kilo of cocaine as a gift back in the first episode, that meant that he was entitled to the rest of Angelo’s cocaine. Unimpressed, Tony Danza ruled in Angelo’s favor. Suddenly, Shula burst in, shirtless (but thankfully still wearing a bra), wearing a headband, and carrying a huge machine-gun. No longer was she Mayor Goldamayer…now, she was RAMBERG! Ramberg struck a blow for justice by shooting Detective Furman repeatedly. Tony Danza used his “Who’s the Boss” housekeeping skills to clean up the mess.
The wedding of Officer Snatch and Jim McMayonnaise was about to begin, with the Commodore conducting the service, Poppi as the bridesmaid, and Tony Danza as the best man. Suddenly, a football flew through the air and narrowly missed Jim, but the ceremony continued. More footballs struck, this time actually hitting Jim. The Commodore spotted the assassin, Dan Mandarino. The Commodore took a football, but wrestled Dan to the ground. Despite having killed the groom, Dan asked Snatch to forgive him and marry him instead. Before she could reply, the mortally-injured Commodore threw one of Dan’s own footballs at him. With almost everybody else dead, Snatch asked Tony Danza to marry her.
Ramberg prepared to announce the results of the election, even though both candidates had just died. Opening the envelope, she was stunned to discover that the winner was a write-in candidate…Ramberg! Suddenly, the spirits of Detective Furman, Dan Mandarino, and Jim McMayonnaise appeared, swearing to haunt her. Luckily, being Jewish, she didn’t believe in them. The spirits departed, and Angelo Lansbury arrived. He explained that losing his fortune had made him see the error of his ways, and he wanted to atone for his past. He revealed that he had organized the write-in campaign that restored her to office. Suddenly, Sir John Holmes arrived, still seeking revenge for his son’s death. Angelo calmly walked up to Holmes, explaining his new program of forgiveness, which he called “Hugs, Not Drugs.” Angelo hugged Holmes, who dropped his billy club and broke down crying.
POPPI: “This is the Miami I’ve come to know and love!”
THE END
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Season 7, Episode 8: Misery and Company
Episode 8: Misery and Company
Shula Goldamayer was holding Angelo Lansbury captive in a remote mountain cabin, as revenge for his shooting her foot off. (She now had a prosthetic leg.) Angelo apologized, but Shula said that wasn’t enough…she demanded that he shoot himself to make up for it.
In his office, Orville Furman delivered a Shakespearean soliloquy on the loss of his cocaine. Walking past, Sir John Holmes overheard the monologue and entered, suggesting that Furman pursue a career in the theatre. Furman introduced himself, though he couldn’t remember whether he was Chief, Captain, or Detective. Suddenly, Holmes’ keen deductive senses kicked into high gear. Finding a pop-top on the floor, Holmes and Furman set out on a mission to find the litterbug.
Dan Mandarino and the pregnant Officer Snatch were sharing some quality time in Snatch’s apartment, when they were interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Snatch’s old flame and Dan’s longtime rival, Jim McMayonnaise.
The Commodore was in the office at Pepino’s, working at the computer, when Officer Simpson returned to the scene of her kidnapping. The Commodore explained that he was writing a program to set things in motion, and asked Simpson what she had done with the futuristic 3¼ inch diskette he had given her. She couldn’t remember, but thought she might have put it with her cassette tapes.
Jim McMayonnaise revealed that he had been traded to Miami, and was going to replace Dan as the superstar player. Jim and Dan one-upped each other’s career highlights.
Having followed Shula’s demand by shooting himself in the hand, Angelo Lansbury pleaded for his life. She made him beg in a baby voice, which suddenly awoke her womanly instincts. Shula took Angelo in her arms.
Furman and Holmes were on the trail of the litterbug when Furman recognized the footprints as belonging to the supplier of his “sinus medicine.” Holmes realized that Furman was talking about Angelo Robespierre Lansbury, and Furman was amazed that Holmes had been able to learn Angelo’s middle name. Holmes explained that only a few short years ago, England was completely cocaine-free, until Angelo flooded the market with his product, causing the decline of the British Empire.
As Shula Goldamayer was sleeping in the afterglow, Angelo picked up the phone and called for a car to pick him up. He hurriedly hung up as Shula woke up and offered him latkes. She informed Angelo that the sex changed nothing between them, and that she was still going to take as much revenge as she could within the confines of the law. (“I can’t kill you, but I can ask you to shoot yourself.”) Angelo threatened to use his money and influence to replace her as mayor, and she in turn threatened to burn his cocaine fields. Angelo cut the strap to her prosthetic leg and made his getaway.
After returning to his office, Angelo checked his inventory and discovered that all of his cocaine was gone. He called the warehouse and spoke to his foreman, Reynaldo. In the course of several hours of explanation and pleading, Reynaldo revealed that somebody had come in and taken all the cocaine. Angelo told Reynaldo not to worry, and reassured him that somebody would come around to kill him shortly.
Simpson broke into Buster Banks’ abandoned porn studio, thrilling in the smell of sex. She set up Buster’s camera and got onto the couch, filming her own “big scene” as she sang a ballad about her troubles. Hearing the disturbance, Snatch burst into the studio. They argued about Snatch’s affair with the Commodore, and Simpson shot Snatch in the foot again. (If it weren’t for her full-body armor and bulletproof pantyhose, Snatch would be in really bad shape.)
Dan Mandarino called Angelo’s office, but the receptionist refused to take his call. Shula Goldamayer burst in, and Dan explained that nobody would give him the time of day since Jim McMayonnaise replaced him as Miami’s football hero. Shula tried to rouse Jim’s confidence by reciting a Styx song. Dan came up with a plan to destroy Jim by elevating him to the mayor’s office, then bringing him down. But to do that, he’d need to get rid of the current mayor. He shoved a gag in Shula’s mouth.
Sir John Holmes led Detective Furman to the cabin where Angelo had been held captive, only to discover the Commodore already there. Holmes fulfilled his promise from last week by giving the Commodore the key to the UNIX operating system. Furman changed the subject by revealing that he had used his authority to raid Angelo’s warehouse and load the entire supply of cocaine into a U-Haul. Holmes asked Furman why he had gone through that whole withdrawal ordeal when he had a U-Haul full of coke.
Dan Mandarino was putting up campaign posters when Jim McMayonnaise came by. Jim informed Dan that he had the sex tape of Dan’s affair with Poppi, and threatened to make the tape public unless Dan left town and transferred to the Detroit Lions.
Angelo was putting up “Lost Cocaine” posters when Detective Furman walked by, rubbing Angelo’s nose in his loss before walking on.
Simpson and Snatch had worked out their problems and come to an arrangement regarding the Commodore and Snatch’s babies. When the Commodore arrived, they asked him to join them in a three-way marriage. The Commodore then revealed his own plan. Since Snatch was carrying twins, one fathered by the Commodore and one by Dan Mandarino, the Commodore had devised a method to combine the twins into a single baby. (“Think of it! A baby that is as smart as a nerd, but with the social skills of a quarterback! A superbaby that can survive high school!”)
Out on the streets, Angelo was looking for his lost cocaine when Jim McMayonnaise arrived. Jim repeated some advice that Mike Ditka had given him: “When in doubt, take down everybody around you.” Jim explained that he would use Dan’s sex tape (“Road House of Ass”) to ruin Dan’s career, use the momentum to run Jim for mayor, then legalize cocaine and appoint Angelo the Secretary of Cocaine and the Interior. Jim revealed that he had already set his plan in motion, then turned on a TV to show that the sex tape was being played on every news program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Shula Goldamayer was holding Angelo Lansbury captive in a remote mountain cabin, as revenge for his shooting her foot off. (She now had a prosthetic leg.) Angelo apologized, but Shula said that wasn’t enough…she demanded that he shoot himself to make up for it.
In his office, Orville Furman delivered a Shakespearean soliloquy on the loss of his cocaine. Walking past, Sir John Holmes overheard the monologue and entered, suggesting that Furman pursue a career in the theatre. Furman introduced himself, though he couldn’t remember whether he was Chief, Captain, or Detective. Suddenly, Holmes’ keen deductive senses kicked into high gear. Finding a pop-top on the floor, Holmes and Furman set out on a mission to find the litterbug.
Dan Mandarino and the pregnant Officer Snatch were sharing some quality time in Snatch’s apartment, when they were interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Snatch’s old flame and Dan’s longtime rival, Jim McMayonnaise.
The Commodore was in the office at Pepino’s, working at the computer, when Officer Simpson returned to the scene of her kidnapping. The Commodore explained that he was writing a program to set things in motion, and asked Simpson what she had done with the futuristic 3¼ inch diskette he had given her. She couldn’t remember, but thought she might have put it with her cassette tapes.
Jim McMayonnaise revealed that he had been traded to Miami, and was going to replace Dan as the superstar player. Jim and Dan one-upped each other’s career highlights.
Having followed Shula’s demand by shooting himself in the hand, Angelo Lansbury pleaded for his life. She made him beg in a baby voice, which suddenly awoke her womanly instincts. Shula took Angelo in her arms.
Furman and Holmes were on the trail of the litterbug when Furman recognized the footprints as belonging to the supplier of his “sinus medicine.” Holmes realized that Furman was talking about Angelo Robespierre Lansbury, and Furman was amazed that Holmes had been able to learn Angelo’s middle name. Holmes explained that only a few short years ago, England was completely cocaine-free, until Angelo flooded the market with his product, causing the decline of the British Empire.
As Shula Goldamayer was sleeping in the afterglow, Angelo picked up the phone and called for a car to pick him up. He hurriedly hung up as Shula woke up and offered him latkes. She informed Angelo that the sex changed nothing between them, and that she was still going to take as much revenge as she could within the confines of the law. (“I can’t kill you, but I can ask you to shoot yourself.”) Angelo threatened to use his money and influence to replace her as mayor, and she in turn threatened to burn his cocaine fields. Angelo cut the strap to her prosthetic leg and made his getaway.
After returning to his office, Angelo checked his inventory and discovered that all of his cocaine was gone. He called the warehouse and spoke to his foreman, Reynaldo. In the course of several hours of explanation and pleading, Reynaldo revealed that somebody had come in and taken all the cocaine. Angelo told Reynaldo not to worry, and reassured him that somebody would come around to kill him shortly.
Simpson broke into Buster Banks’ abandoned porn studio, thrilling in the smell of sex. She set up Buster’s camera and got onto the couch, filming her own “big scene” as she sang a ballad about her troubles. Hearing the disturbance, Snatch burst into the studio. They argued about Snatch’s affair with the Commodore, and Simpson shot Snatch in the foot again. (If it weren’t for her full-body armor and bulletproof pantyhose, Snatch would be in really bad shape.)
Dan Mandarino called Angelo’s office, but the receptionist refused to take his call. Shula Goldamayer burst in, and Dan explained that nobody would give him the time of day since Jim McMayonnaise replaced him as Miami’s football hero. Shula tried to rouse Jim’s confidence by reciting a Styx song. Dan came up with a plan to destroy Jim by elevating him to the mayor’s office, then bringing him down. But to do that, he’d need to get rid of the current mayor. He shoved a gag in Shula’s mouth.
Sir John Holmes led Detective Furman to the cabin where Angelo had been held captive, only to discover the Commodore already there. Holmes fulfilled his promise from last week by giving the Commodore the key to the UNIX operating system. Furman changed the subject by revealing that he had used his authority to raid Angelo’s warehouse and load the entire supply of cocaine into a U-Haul. Holmes asked Furman why he had gone through that whole withdrawal ordeal when he had a U-Haul full of coke.
Dan Mandarino was putting up campaign posters when Jim McMayonnaise came by. Jim informed Dan that he had the sex tape of Dan’s affair with Poppi, and threatened to make the tape public unless Dan left town and transferred to the Detroit Lions.
Angelo was putting up “Lost Cocaine” posters when Detective Furman walked by, rubbing Angelo’s nose in his loss before walking on.
Simpson and Snatch had worked out their problems and come to an arrangement regarding the Commodore and Snatch’s babies. When the Commodore arrived, they asked him to join them in a three-way marriage. The Commodore then revealed his own plan. Since Snatch was carrying twins, one fathered by the Commodore and one by Dan Mandarino, the Commodore had devised a method to combine the twins into a single baby. (“Think of it! A baby that is as smart as a nerd, but with the social skills of a quarterback! A superbaby that can survive high school!”)
Out on the streets, Angelo was looking for his lost cocaine when Jim McMayonnaise arrived. Jim repeated some advice that Mike Ditka had given him: “When in doubt, take down everybody around you.” Jim explained that he would use Dan’s sex tape (“Road House of Ass”) to ruin Dan’s career, use the momentum to run Jim for mayor, then legalize cocaine and appoint Angelo the Secretary of Cocaine and the Interior. Jim revealed that he had already set his plan in motion, then turned on a TV to show that the sex tape was being played on every news program.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Season 7, Episode 7: The Foot-Shooting Party
Episode 7: The Foot-Shooting Party
Snatch informed the Commodore that she was carrying his child. The Commodore was confused, since only a couple of weeks ago it was Simpson who thought she was pregnant with his baby, but she turned out to be mistaken. Snatch assured him that there was no mistake this time…she was going to have twins; one fathered by the Commodore, the other by Dan Mandarino.
In the back room of Pepino’s, Snatch’s renegade sister Patch had Simpson tied up. Patch had taken Simpson’s clothes and hair in order to impersonate her. By disguising herself as Simpson, Patch would worm her way into Snatch’s life and take her revenge.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some paperwork in her office when she was visited by Sir John Holmes, a detective from Scotland Yard who had transferred to Miami as part of an exchange program. Shula knew Holmes by reputation (“You have the biggest billy club in England!”), and eagerly welcomed him. She told him that she needed his help against Angelo Lansbury.
On the docks, Angelo Lansbury (during contractual negotiations, the part of Angelo Lansbury will be played by Tom Wopat) was selling cocaine when Detective Orville Furman rowed by. Furman angrily explained that he had spent two weeks in rehab, only to return and find himself demoted to Private First Ass. (“When I get my hands on Shula Goldamayer, I’m gonna twist her a new tit!”) Angelo offered to help Furman get revenge and take over the mayor’s office himself. Angelo immediately realized that having Furman as mayor would be a bad idea, then offered to just get Furman’s old job back.
Snatch was on patrol with Patch (disguised as Simpson). Snatch said that, now that she was pregnant, she wanted to be responsible and do some REAL police work. (“Let’s go on a crime spree, but, like, the opposite.”) Patch/Simpson told Snatch about a very dangerous criminal who had arrived in town…years ago, Snatch had a twin sister from whom she was separated at birth. That sister grew up in a life of crime, killing her first man at age three, and became a mistress of disguise. Amazed by this news, Snatch was eager to track down her evil sister. Patch told her she didn’t have to look very far…then took off her Simpson wig.
Sir John Holmes paid a visit to the Commodore to commission some special weapons against crime, such as those provided by Scotland Yard’s “Q.” (“I want an Aston-Martin, a pen that can kill a man from 300 yards, spectacles that can see through a woman’s clothing, and a shoe. Just a shoe, that’s all.”) In return, Holmes would provide the Commodore with the secrets of the UNIX computer system.
Private First Ass Furman came to his old office and found Shula waiting for him. He insisted that he was cured of his drug habit, and she tested him by pulling some cocaine out of his desk drawer and pouring it in his in-box. He accused her of planting the drugs in his desk, and in turn, she accused him of leaving the cocaine just so he could accuse HER of planting it. They both got so confused, neither one could remember whose cocaine it was. (“You see how ridiculous this is going to sound in court!”)
At Pepino’s, the bound and scalped Simpson sang a song about her plight.
The Commodore showed Sir John Holmes his new weapon…a “pen” the size and shape of a rocket launcher. As promised, Holmes gave the Commodore an advanced microchip. Holmes then demonstrated his deductive skills by explaining the ridiculously elaborate process by which he had figured out the Commodore’s real name, Gerald Jameson.
Furman and Angelo Lansbury had placed Shula Goldamayer in a jail cell. Shula protested this unauthorized incarceration (“What are you going to do, arrest me for cocaine?”), then uncrossed her legs Sharon Stone-style. Furman demanded the return of his old job and his cocaine habit. When Shula refused, Angelo shot her foot off. Shocked, Furman pulled out his own gun and leveled it at Angelo, starting a Mexican stand-off.
Sir John entered Pepino’s just as Simpson crawled up from the basement. After Holmes freed her, she asked him to come with her as back-up to rescue Snatch.
On the pier, Snatch and Patch were in their own Mexican stand-off, when they decided to put their guns away and just talk out their problems. Patch explained that she and Snatch were twins fathered by two different men, just like the babies Snatch was now carrying. Patch said that those babies were the only reason she didn’t kill Snatch right away. (“One of them is mine! I don’t mean I’m the father, I mean I’m taking one!”)
To track down Patch, Holmes and Simpson enlisted the assistance of sketch artist Lebbie Gibson. Holmes observed that Lebbie reminded him a lot of his own country’s Samantha Fox. While describing her kidnapper, Simpson remembered that one of Patch’s eyes wasn’t real. Hearing Simpson’s description, Holmes realized that Patch fit the description of his own arch-nemesis, Lady Chandelier Moriarty.
The stand-off between Angelo and Furman continued. Angelo sneezed, causing him to accidentally shoot Furman in the arm. Taking advantage of this twist of fate, Angelo picked up Furman’s fallen gun. Suddenly, the Commodore rushed in, looking for a shoe. Everybody tried to explain their side of the story, but the Commodore accepted Angelo’s version, since Angelo was the one pointing a gun at him.
Patch continued telling her life story to Snatch, including the time she became a master spy in England, when Sir John Holmes and Simpson rushed in to the rescue. In the struggle, Patch shot Snatch in the butt. Simpson retaliated by shooting Patch, while Holmes saved Snatch by performing mouth-to-ass resuscitation. Suddenly, the Commodore arrived. (“Sorry, I was totally at the wrong Mexican stand-off!”) Sir John declared that Snatch and both of her babies were all right. Because the Commodore had come to her rescue and Dan wasn’t even there, Snatch decided to keep the Commodore’s baby and give Dan’s to Patch. After hearing that Snatch had slept with the Commodore, the jealous Simpson shot off Snatch’s foot. Patch grabbed Sir John’s billy club and kneecapped Simpson. The only ones left standing, Sir John Holmes and Patch/Lady Chandelier Moriarty faced off for a final showdown. Although Patch had the drop on Holmes, Holmes seized the advantage by exposing himself. While she was awestruck, Holmes grabbed the Commodore’s “pen” and took Patch down.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Snatch informed the Commodore that she was carrying his child. The Commodore was confused, since only a couple of weeks ago it was Simpson who thought she was pregnant with his baby, but she turned out to be mistaken. Snatch assured him that there was no mistake this time…she was going to have twins; one fathered by the Commodore, the other by Dan Mandarino.
In the back room of Pepino’s, Snatch’s renegade sister Patch had Simpson tied up. Patch had taken Simpson’s clothes and hair in order to impersonate her. By disguising herself as Simpson, Patch would worm her way into Snatch’s life and take her revenge.
Mayor Shula Goldamayer was going over some paperwork in her office when she was visited by Sir John Holmes, a detective from Scotland Yard who had transferred to Miami as part of an exchange program. Shula knew Holmes by reputation (“You have the biggest billy club in England!”), and eagerly welcomed him. She told him that she needed his help against Angelo Lansbury.
On the docks, Angelo Lansbury (during contractual negotiations, the part of Angelo Lansbury will be played by Tom Wopat) was selling cocaine when Detective Orville Furman rowed by. Furman angrily explained that he had spent two weeks in rehab, only to return and find himself demoted to Private First Ass. (“When I get my hands on Shula Goldamayer, I’m gonna twist her a new tit!”) Angelo offered to help Furman get revenge and take over the mayor’s office himself. Angelo immediately realized that having Furman as mayor would be a bad idea, then offered to just get Furman’s old job back.
Snatch was on patrol with Patch (disguised as Simpson). Snatch said that, now that she was pregnant, she wanted to be responsible and do some REAL police work. (“Let’s go on a crime spree, but, like, the opposite.”) Patch/Simpson told Snatch about a very dangerous criminal who had arrived in town…years ago, Snatch had a twin sister from whom she was separated at birth. That sister grew up in a life of crime, killing her first man at age three, and became a mistress of disguise. Amazed by this news, Snatch was eager to track down her evil sister. Patch told her she didn’t have to look very far…then took off her Simpson wig.
Sir John Holmes paid a visit to the Commodore to commission some special weapons against crime, such as those provided by Scotland Yard’s “Q.” (“I want an Aston-Martin, a pen that can kill a man from 300 yards, spectacles that can see through a woman’s clothing, and a shoe. Just a shoe, that’s all.”) In return, Holmes would provide the Commodore with the secrets of the UNIX computer system.
Private First Ass Furman came to his old office and found Shula waiting for him. He insisted that he was cured of his drug habit, and she tested him by pulling some cocaine out of his desk drawer and pouring it in his in-box. He accused her of planting the drugs in his desk, and in turn, she accused him of leaving the cocaine just so he could accuse HER of planting it. They both got so confused, neither one could remember whose cocaine it was. (“You see how ridiculous this is going to sound in court!”)
At Pepino’s, the bound and scalped Simpson sang a song about her plight.
The Commodore showed Sir John Holmes his new weapon…a “pen” the size and shape of a rocket launcher. As promised, Holmes gave the Commodore an advanced microchip. Holmes then demonstrated his deductive skills by explaining the ridiculously elaborate process by which he had figured out the Commodore’s real name, Gerald Jameson.
Furman and Angelo Lansbury had placed Shula Goldamayer in a jail cell. Shula protested this unauthorized incarceration (“What are you going to do, arrest me for cocaine?”), then uncrossed her legs Sharon Stone-style. Furman demanded the return of his old job and his cocaine habit. When Shula refused, Angelo shot her foot off. Shocked, Furman pulled out his own gun and leveled it at Angelo, starting a Mexican stand-off.
Sir John entered Pepino’s just as Simpson crawled up from the basement. After Holmes freed her, she asked him to come with her as back-up to rescue Snatch.
On the pier, Snatch and Patch were in their own Mexican stand-off, when they decided to put their guns away and just talk out their problems. Patch explained that she and Snatch were twins fathered by two different men, just like the babies Snatch was now carrying. Patch said that those babies were the only reason she didn’t kill Snatch right away. (“One of them is mine! I don’t mean I’m the father, I mean I’m taking one!”)
To track down Patch, Holmes and Simpson enlisted the assistance of sketch artist Lebbie Gibson. Holmes observed that Lebbie reminded him a lot of his own country’s Samantha Fox. While describing her kidnapper, Simpson remembered that one of Patch’s eyes wasn’t real. Hearing Simpson’s description, Holmes realized that Patch fit the description of his own arch-nemesis, Lady Chandelier Moriarty.
The stand-off between Angelo and Furman continued. Angelo sneezed, causing him to accidentally shoot Furman in the arm. Taking advantage of this twist of fate, Angelo picked up Furman’s fallen gun. Suddenly, the Commodore rushed in, looking for a shoe. Everybody tried to explain their side of the story, but the Commodore accepted Angelo’s version, since Angelo was the one pointing a gun at him.
Patch continued telling her life story to Snatch, including the time she became a master spy in England, when Sir John Holmes and Simpson rushed in to the rescue. In the struggle, Patch shot Snatch in the butt. Simpson retaliated by shooting Patch, while Holmes saved Snatch by performing mouth-to-ass resuscitation. Suddenly, the Commodore arrived. (“Sorry, I was totally at the wrong Mexican stand-off!”) Sir John declared that Snatch and both of her babies were all right. Because the Commodore had come to her rescue and Dan wasn’t even there, Snatch decided to keep the Commodore’s baby and give Dan’s to Patch. After hearing that Snatch had slept with the Commodore, the jealous Simpson shot off Snatch’s foot. Patch grabbed Sir John’s billy club and kneecapped Simpson. The only ones left standing, Sir John Holmes and Patch/Lady Chandelier Moriarty faced off for a final showdown. Although Patch had the drop on Holmes, Holmes seized the advantage by exposing himself. While she was awestruck, Holmes grabbed the Commodore’s “pen” and took Patch down.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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