Season 8, Episode 5: My Funny Valentine

Episode 5: My Funny Valentine

Up on the roof, Miller was gazing at his precious ring, trying to resist the temptation to put it on (“or those freaky fucked-up dudes with the sunken faces will come”). Owen Tasker arrived and demanded that Miller turn over the ring, or else Miller would meet the same unspecified fate as the ring’s previous owner, Miller’s uncle Oral Hanks.

Ms. Munsen-Meyer was trying to sell Valentine’s Day flowers, but nobody was interested.

Assistant Coach Damon was practicing his dodgeball moves when Junior ROTC officer Tad Poonowl came back to school. Damon asked if Tad could do anything about the military helicopters circling the school, but Tad claimed to know nothing about General Rip Schrader’s operations.

Mr. Huggins met Todd Schrader in the cafeteria to discuss the issue of Todd’s sexuality. To break through Todd’s barriers, Huggins sang him a tender Valentine’s ballad.

In AP English class (taught by Assistant Coach Damon, due to budget cuts), Sterling Schremerhorn was complaining about the cheapness of all the carnations she’d been given. Gwen launched into a profanity-laced rant about Sterling’s ingratitude and Valentine’s Day in general. Damon warned Gwen that her rebellious attitude would get her nowhere, but Sterling sprang to her defense. Trying to spread the spirit to the less fortunate, Sterling gave her candy and flowers to Damon and Gwen.

Tad Poonowl arrived in Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s office, and she congratulated him on his career track with the US government (“the finest corporation on Earth”). She told Tad how much she wished the other students were like him, kneeling by his feet as she envisioned a school full of Tads.

Mr. Huggins held an intervention for Miller regarding his dependence on the ring. (“What does the Hugginses want?”) Miller attacked Huggins and began wrestling him to the ground. As they writhed around wildly, Owen Tasker secretly filmed them from the closet.

Depressed over Sterling rejecting him, Owen asked the school mascot, the Fighting Panhandler, for romantic advice. Communicating in pantomime, the Panhandler suggested getting down on one knee to propose…then spanking her.

In the locker room, Tad Poonowl told Todd Schrader how disappointed Todd’s father, General Rip Schrader, was in him. In fact, Tad revealed, the General had ordered Tad to eliminate Todd with extreme prejudice.

Gwen was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Sterling entered. Sterling explained that she’d had an epiphany. Having realized that life wasn’t as wonderful for everybody as it is for her, she wanted make Gwen’s life better. Gwen pointed out that, while Sterling’s intentions might be good, her condescending attitude wasn’t helping. Gwen suggested that Sterling try being nice to people, but doubted that she could do it.

STERLING: “You don’t think I can be nice? I’ll show you! Oh, shoot, I’m already not being nice. This is hard! My head hurts!”

Assistant Coach Damon and Ms. Munsen-Meyer were trying to help Miller give up the ring. When Damon offered Miller a package of pastel crayons, Miller immediately forgot about the ring and eagerly traded it. Holding the ring, Damon realized that its power could make him a full-fledged teacher.

Mr. Huggins was at home watching videos and waiting for the plumber, when Gwen came to see him for help. Huggins told Gwen that he admired her artistic streak, which she expressed through her punk aesthetic. Gwen was amazed that Huggins actually understood her. As they conversed, the Fighting Panhandler came by and fixed Huggins’ sink.

As Sterling and Owen prepared the Valentine’s Day dance, Sterling reflected on the irony of her not having a date, what with Todd turning gay and Lewis being in the hospital. Seeing his opportunity, Owen was about to ask her out when Miller suddenly arrived and gave Sterling some chocolates and a card. Touched, Sterling agreed to be Miller’s date. Owen warned Miller that he had just bought himself eight more years of high school.

A stealth helicopter lowered General Rip Schrader onto the roof of the school for a secret meeting with Tad Poonowl. Schrader congratulated Tad on his disguise as a Junior ROTC officer, when he’s actually an elite assassin with a half-machine brain, programmed to kill the General’s son. As the General went to take a leak, Todd Schrader arrived on the roof. Tad used a leg-sweep to knock Todd off the roof, but Todd managed to crawl back up.

Under the influence of the ring, Assistant Coach Damon was gradually becoming Irish. Regaining his will and accent long enough to remove the ring from around his neck, Damon confronted Ms. Munsen-Meyer about their affair a few weeks back. Munsen-Meyer explained that it could never work out between them, since he was only a lowly assistant coach and she was an Ivy League-educated counselor. Damon resolved to use the ring to make himself a powerful man. They kissed.

At the Valentine’s Day dance, Mr. Huggins introduced the couples competing for the title of Valentine’s King and Queen: Miller and Sterling, Owen and Gwen, and Todd and Tad. Huggins then announced the winners: Ms. Munsen-Meyer and Assistant Coach Damon, whom he had seen making out.

NEXT WEEK: Damon and Munsen-Meyer must make their decision.

Season 8, Episode 4: The Scholarship of the Ring

Episode 4: The Scholarship of the Ring

Smoking weed on the roof, Miller told Gwendolyn Pinchot that he accidentally had sex with Todd Schrader, mistaking him for Sterling Schremerhorn. He explained that he was informing her because he knew he was supposed to tell his partner about his recent sexual activity in case of STDs. He wasn’t sure whether that applied retroactively, since this happened after he slept with Gwen, but just in case…

Owen Tasker was at his locker when class ring salesman Oral Hanks arrived to pitch his goods. When Owen expressed interest in a diamond ring, Oral tried to convince him that “diamondesque” was far superior.

Mr. Huggins congratulated Todd Schrader for bravely coming out of the closet. Insisting that he wasn’t gay, Todd claimed that he was only fighting with Miller when Miller pulled out a pipe. (“A fleshy pipe?”)

Ms. Munsen-Meyer met with Todd’s father, General Rip Schrader, but the General was oblivious to her hints about Todd’s coming-out. Finally, Munsen-Meyer grabbed the General’s bullhorn and announced that Todd was gay. General Schrader snatched back the bullhorn and used it to shout that he had no son.

Oral Hanks was selling class rings by the lockers when Sterling Schremerhorn walked by. He recommended his finest “rubish” ring. Sterling eagerly pulled out her credit card.

Assistant Coach Damon was trading in some food stamps for a meal at the Crash Pad. Sympathetic to his plight, Gwen threw in some extra mayo packets. Suddenly, getting wind of the free mayo, the Fighting Panhandler burst in for a handout. Damon and the Panhandler fought until Damon apparently killed the mascot. Ms. Munsen-Meyer attempted CPR, but it wasn’t until the school fight song started playing that the Panhandler came back to full strength.

Oral Hanks ran into his nephew, Miller. Since they’re family, Oral offered to give Miller a very special ring. (“Nine rings were crafted for the chess club. Three rings were crafted for the student council. But one ring was crafted to rule them all.”) With great fanfare, Oral presented Miller with the One Ring.

In the cafeteria, Owen Tasker told Sterling that he knew she was crazy about him. He explained that he’d seen her looking at him in calculus, but she retorted that she was only trying to cheat off of his papers. Owen swore that he would win her heart once he possessed the most powerful ring of all.

On the roof, Miller was savoring his “precious” new ring. Mr. Huggins arrived to discuss Miller’s encounter with Todd. Believing that Huggins was after his ring, Miller assumed a defensive stance.

Oral Hanks ran into Assistant Coach Damon in the hallway. Impressed by Damon’s style, Hanks offered him a job with Jasten’s, his class-ring company. Hanks explained that he was once a lowly assistant cafeteria worker when a man came through selling cock-rings, and his life was never the same afterwards. Now, he was offering Damon the same opportunity.

Gwen was sobbing in an empty classroom when Sterling entered. Gwen angrily blamed Sterling for her STD, since Sterling’s abstinence caused Miller to have sex with Todd. Sterling countered that Gwen only had her own sluttiness to blame. Unbeknownst to either of them, Ms. Munsen-Meyer was behind the podium and had heard everything.

In Miller’s van, Miller and Todd discussed their situation. Todd insisted that he wasn’t gay…even though they had just had sex again. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the backseat and had heard everything.

Owen Tasker and Assistant Coach Damon were practicing dodgeball in the gym. Struck in the groin by a dodgeball, Owen doubled over and wound up with his face in Damon’s crotch. Unbeknownst to either of them, Mr. Huggins was in the gym and had heard everything.

The Fighting Panhandler was wandering around drunk when General Rip Schrader spotted him. Believing the Panhandler to be some kind of alien being, Schrader invited the mascot to his aircraft carrier. Having lulled it into a sense of security, Schrader ordered his men to fire the tranq-guns.

At the Crash Pad, Gwen was reading a pamphlet about her dilemma (“Gonorrhea: It’s No Clapping Matter”). Ms. Munsen-Meyer arrived to discuss Gwen’s future. Munsen-Meyer assured Gwen that her STD was curable and wouldn’t be held against her…but if Gwen ever wanted to get into a good school, she needed to give up her 27-year-old punk-rocker boyfriend.

In the hallway, Owen Tasker declared his love to Sterling Schremerhorn. She pointed out that “love” doesn’t mean making fake photos of her in compromising positions and then showing them to her dying ex-boyfriend, Lewis von Kemia.

Todd Schrader was walking home when he encountered the Fighting Panhandler, now transformed into a living killing-machine by the US military. Todd was helpless against the Panhandler, but was saved when Miller burst in and put on the One Ring. Unable to see Miller, Todd gasped in awe as the invisible opponent quickly vanquished the Panhandler.

NEXT WEEK: Miller asks Ms. Munsen-Meyer for help.