Episode 16: Altair Cookiehands
As the station approached Pleasure-9, Commander James T. Blanket was having nightmares about the crew dying horribly on the planet.
Edwina & Jacob held the newborn Scoopella. Edwina warned Jacob that her half-android nature would cause the baby to grow up very quickly. When Jacob mentioned that he’d be raising Scoopella in the Amish tradition, Edwina was upset that he hadn’t included her in such an important decision. She told Jacob that, whatever the actual parentage may be, they had to think of her as THEIR daughter.
Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) held Armageddon Uno prisoner, forcing him to watch reruns of “Golden Girls.” Releasing Armageddon from the force field, Dwayne admitted that his heart hadn’t been in his evil plans since falling in love with Armageddon’s sister Cody Gage.
DWAYNE: “There’s a certain purity about her…that stoned naiveté…”
Armageddon offered to swear a blood oath with Dwayne, promising that he wouldn’t give Dwayne away if Dwayne would look after Cody. Dwayne agreed, on the condition that Armageddon take a blood test first.
Cody was explaining her duties to Dwayne’s twin brother Heinous McMurder. The conversation turned to Cody’s engagement to Dwayne/Angus, and Heinous revealed that the last girl Angus had been engaged to had broken his heart. Cody gave a more-than-usually incoherent reply involving Dr. Laura, but the gist of it was that she would never do that to Dwayne. Cody and Heinous hugged, despite Heinous’ difficulty expressing himself non-violently.
Commander Blanket met Darren Johnson, the winner of a radio contest to visit the space station. Blanket suddenly realized that he didn’t need to risk his crew’s lives on Pleasure-9 when he could sacrifice an innocent civilian instead. He offered to put Darren through a rigorous training montage.
Wracked with guilt over killing Scoop, Altair-9000 had replaced his hands with dough-filled oven mitts to make sure he couldn’t hurt anyone again. Dr. Shika talked with Altair about his grief, then gave the robot a copy of Judy Blume’s “Super Fudge” to help him with these difficult feelings.
Darren Johnson’s training montage began.
Cody and Edwina went over the plans for Edwina’s wedding to Jacob. When Cody started crying about wanting a wedding of her own, Edwina assured her that “happiness begets happiness,” and her own wedding might just follow. Cody told Edwina about her fiancé, but her description was so garbled that Edwina didn’t realize she was talking about Dwayne Tomagachi. Cody sang a peppy upbeat song about her relationship.
The training montage concluded.
BLANKET: “All right! You’ve learned how to attract, kiss, seduce, push aside, kill, and seduce women.”
Darren confessed that he’d never had much time for women due to his work as producer of the horror movies Retarded Death-Stalkers I through III. As the atonal screams of the people of Retardo-Montalban 6 echoed through his head, Blanket urged Darren to stop exploiting special-needs people, and instead make films to help them. Darren was inspired to develop two new ideas: Retarded Flower Girl and Retarded Driving Instructor.
That night, Commander Blanket had an even more disturbing, inexplicable nightmare involving a naked Blue Man (not to be confused with Blue Man Group or Dr. Shika).
Cody and Darren talked shop about the station’s engines. Darren tried his newly-learned seduction techniques on Cody.
DARREN: “There’s three types of girls in this world. There’s fine-looking girls, there’s finer-looking girls, and, well, there’s the finest-looking girl!”
The McMurder brothers waited to ambush Commander Blanket on the bridge. Ensign Boggess entered and was immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Blanket arrived and found the crewman murdered, just like in his nightmare. As Dwayne spun the station’s steering wheel out of control, Ensign Armit entered and was (you guessed it) immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Commander Blanket told the brothers that the station wasn’t even orbiting Earth anymore, but had arrived at Pleasure-9.
BLANKET: “If you love evil, you’ll love a planet full of women.”
As Jacob cradled Scoopella, Armageddon Uno came in, still holding a grudge. Armageddon’s anger subsided when he saw the baby. Jacob gave Armageddon a Bible Bar (“Based on a recipe from Deuteronomy 8:8”) to celebrate the birth. After taking a bite, Armageddon quickly “fed” his chewed-up mouthful to Scoopella.
Commander Blanket held a staff meeting, while Jacob handed out Bible Bars to everybody. (The Commander gave his own bar to Darren as part of his “training.”) From their hiding spot behind the computer, the McMurder brothers saw Darren flirting with Cody. Blanket informed everybody about the dangerous mission to Pleasure-9, explaining that the away team would consist of the McMurders and Darren Johnson—the most expendable people on board. As Cody pleaded for Dwayne to stay safely on board, a fight broke out between Dwayne and Darren. Altair tried to intervene, but his dough-hands were useless. Heinous McMurder brought the fight to an end by stabbing Darren.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label heinous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heinous. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Season 4, Episode 15: Death and Birth
Introducing Matt Stanton as Heinous McMurder...talked about since episode 1, and now finally making his appearance!
Episode 15: Death and Birth
In the barn, Jacob apologized to Bessie the cow for injecting her with heroin. A randy Edwina entered, impatient to have sex before the babies arrive and keep them too busy to consummate their relationship. Overhearing that Edwina needed help, Altair rushed in to assist in the delivery, but Edwina sent him away snappishly. Edwina hinted about the kind of “help” she needed. When that failed to persuade Jacob, Edwina seduced him with a sexy striptease.
Cody Gage and Dwayne Tomagachi/Angus McMurder giddily strolled through the station. Dwayne confessed that he felt bad about his failure to take over the station, as that was the first time one of his evil plans didn’t work. Dwayne marveled that he hadn’t been caught yet, but Cody explained that that was because he was hanging out with her, and most people avoid her.
Dr. Shika gave Armageddon Uno a rickets test before Armageddon sets off on his own adventures. Armageddon asked Shika to keep an eye out for his monkey Jim-Jim in case Jim-Jim was grooming bugs off of children on Guano-9. When Shika explained that his people secrete a natural insect repellent, Armageddon asked the doctor to put those secretions to work and give him a colon exam.
At the helm, Commander Blanket suddenly realized that, even though they’d squashed Dwayne’s plans to conquer the station for the Yamamoto Corporation, the station was still called the Healthy Happy Puff Puff Cigarette.com Space Station. Blanket made a note to change the name back to the Keeton-2. Altair-9000 entered, and Blanket forgave him for being part of Dwayne’s plan. He asked Altair to help him steer the station to the planet Pleasure-9.
BLANKET: “I need a navigation person. There’s probably a term for that, but I’m not sure what it is.”
ALTAIR: “It’s ‘navigator.’”
BLANKET: “I like the way you think.”
Blanket mentioned that Scoop Quasar hadn’t collected his last paycheck, and Altair casually explained that he’d snapped Scoop’s neck to cure his drug habit. Altair didn’t understand why Blanket was so shocked, and suggested that they just reboot Scoop and get him up and running again. When Blanket explained that people don’t work that way, Altair realized what he’d done and ran off.
In his secret Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, Dwayne Tomagachi discovered that the “defreezination chamber” was open. Suddenly, Dwayne’s brother Heinous McMurder finally emerged from his suspended animation and greeted his sibling. They swore revenge on Commander Blanket and Armageddon Uno. When Dwayne theorized that the monkey Jim-Jim had helped Armageddon capture Heinous, Heinous implied that he’d already taken care of Jim-Jim at one of those exotic restaurants that serve monkey brains. To celebrate their reunion, the McMurder brothers sang a karaoke version of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
In the barn, Jacob and Edwina basked in the afterglow of their first sexual encounter. Although he was thrilled and amazed by the experience, Jacob was concerned that it might affect Edwina’s pregnancy.
EDWINA: “What, do you think I’m gonna get MORE pregnant?”
Edwina revealed that she was actually LESS pregnant now, since the quadruplets had fused themselves back into one baby. Suddenly, Edwina went into labor.
Dwayne/Angus introduced his brother to his girlfriend Cody Gage. Suddenly, Armageddon Uno entered to bid farewell to his sister Cody. The old enemies were surprised to see each other. When Heinous sarcastically asked Armageddon where Jim-Jim was, Armageddon explained that he had traded him to a prostitute on Pleasure-9. Armageddon questioned Cody about her “banging” Dwayne.
DWAYNE: “Are you disparaging this woman’s honor?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Hell no! I banged her too!”
[awkward pause]
CODY: “See, we didn’t KNOW we were brother & sister at the time…”
As Edwina’s labor continued, Altair rushed in, screaming in guilt and despair over having killed Scoop with “these hands! THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!”
Dr. Shika was called to assist in the delivery, STAT!
Mourning over Scoop’s body, Commander Blanket wondered how he was going to explain to Scoop’s parents.
Armageddon informed Heinous McMurder that he’d gotten him off the hook with Mr. Beauregard. When Armageddon asked Heinous why he hadn’t carried out the contract on Beauregard’s wife, Heinous replied that he had a way with the ladies.
ARMAGEDDON: “You put it in that potato-woman?”
HEINOUS: “The eyes have it!”
The McMurder brothers and the Gage/Uno siblings grudgingly decided to call a truce since they were “almost” family.
Altair continued shrieking “THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!” Edwina reassured him that his guilt and suffering meant that he was developing human feelings (even though that was small consolation for the consequences of his actions). Suddenly, the contractions started again.
Armageddon, Cody & the McMurder brothers bonded over a barbecue. Dwayne assured Heinous that his love for Cody wouldn’t break up their team. As Armageddon prepared to leave, Dwayne asked Armageddon not to reveal anything he’d learned here. When Armageddon replied that his silence had a price, Dwayne pulled a gun on him.
Dr. Shika arrived and helped with the delivery. Suddenly, the baby (whom Edwina had decided to name “Scoop”) came out with such force that it was launched through the air. Altair safely caught the baby and tenderly handed it over to the happy parents.
ALTAIR: “You know how I caught that thing? With THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!”
Commander Blanket contacted Scoop’s parents and hesitantly informed them of their son’s death. As the Quasars cried uncontrollably, Blanket lied that Scoop had died heroically saving the station from attack. He agreed to send Scoop’s body back home to Muncie.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 15: Death and Birth
In the barn, Jacob apologized to Bessie the cow for injecting her with heroin. A randy Edwina entered, impatient to have sex before the babies arrive and keep them too busy to consummate their relationship. Overhearing that Edwina needed help, Altair rushed in to assist in the delivery, but Edwina sent him away snappishly. Edwina hinted about the kind of “help” she needed. When that failed to persuade Jacob, Edwina seduced him with a sexy striptease.
Cody Gage and Dwayne Tomagachi/Angus McMurder giddily strolled through the station. Dwayne confessed that he felt bad about his failure to take over the station, as that was the first time one of his evil plans didn’t work. Dwayne marveled that he hadn’t been caught yet, but Cody explained that that was because he was hanging out with her, and most people avoid her.
Dr. Shika gave Armageddon Uno a rickets test before Armageddon sets off on his own adventures. Armageddon asked Shika to keep an eye out for his monkey Jim-Jim in case Jim-Jim was grooming bugs off of children on Guano-9. When Shika explained that his people secrete a natural insect repellent, Armageddon asked the doctor to put those secretions to work and give him a colon exam.
At the helm, Commander Blanket suddenly realized that, even though they’d squashed Dwayne’s plans to conquer the station for the Yamamoto Corporation, the station was still called the Healthy Happy Puff Puff Cigarette.com Space Station. Blanket made a note to change the name back to the Keeton-2. Altair-9000 entered, and Blanket forgave him for being part of Dwayne’s plan. He asked Altair to help him steer the station to the planet Pleasure-9.
BLANKET: “I need a navigation person. There’s probably a term for that, but I’m not sure what it is.”
ALTAIR: “It’s ‘navigator.’”
BLANKET: “I like the way you think.”
Blanket mentioned that Scoop Quasar hadn’t collected his last paycheck, and Altair casually explained that he’d snapped Scoop’s neck to cure his drug habit. Altair didn’t understand why Blanket was so shocked, and suggested that they just reboot Scoop and get him up and running again. When Blanket explained that people don’t work that way, Altair realized what he’d done and ran off.
In his secret Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, Dwayne Tomagachi discovered that the “defreezination chamber” was open. Suddenly, Dwayne’s brother Heinous McMurder finally emerged from his suspended animation and greeted his sibling. They swore revenge on Commander Blanket and Armageddon Uno. When Dwayne theorized that the monkey Jim-Jim had helped Armageddon capture Heinous, Heinous implied that he’d already taken care of Jim-Jim at one of those exotic restaurants that serve monkey brains. To celebrate their reunion, the McMurder brothers sang a karaoke version of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
In the barn, Jacob and Edwina basked in the afterglow of their first sexual encounter. Although he was thrilled and amazed by the experience, Jacob was concerned that it might affect Edwina’s pregnancy.
EDWINA: “What, do you think I’m gonna get MORE pregnant?”
Edwina revealed that she was actually LESS pregnant now, since the quadruplets had fused themselves back into one baby. Suddenly, Edwina went into labor.
Dwayne/Angus introduced his brother to his girlfriend Cody Gage. Suddenly, Armageddon Uno entered to bid farewell to his sister Cody. The old enemies were surprised to see each other. When Heinous sarcastically asked Armageddon where Jim-Jim was, Armageddon explained that he had traded him to a prostitute on Pleasure-9. Armageddon questioned Cody about her “banging” Dwayne.
DWAYNE: “Are you disparaging this woman’s honor?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Hell no! I banged her too!”
[awkward pause]
CODY: “See, we didn’t KNOW we were brother & sister at the time…”
As Edwina’s labor continued, Altair rushed in, screaming in guilt and despair over having killed Scoop with “these hands! THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!”
Dr. Shika was called to assist in the delivery, STAT!
Mourning over Scoop’s body, Commander Blanket wondered how he was going to explain to Scoop’s parents.
Armageddon informed Heinous McMurder that he’d gotten him off the hook with Mr. Beauregard. When Armageddon asked Heinous why he hadn’t carried out the contract on Beauregard’s wife, Heinous replied that he had a way with the ladies.
ARMAGEDDON: “You put it in that potato-woman?”
HEINOUS: “The eyes have it!”
The McMurder brothers and the Gage/Uno siblings grudgingly decided to call a truce since they were “almost” family.
Altair continued shrieking “THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!” Edwina reassured him that his guilt and suffering meant that he was developing human feelings (even though that was small consolation for the consequences of his actions). Suddenly, the contractions started again.
Armageddon, Cody & the McMurder brothers bonded over a barbecue. Dwayne assured Heinous that his love for Cody wouldn’t break up their team. As Armageddon prepared to leave, Dwayne asked Armageddon not to reveal anything he’d learned here. When Armageddon replied that his silence had a price, Dwayne pulled a gun on him.
Dr. Shika arrived and helped with the delivery. Suddenly, the baby (whom Edwina had decided to name “Scoop”) came out with such force that it was launched through the air. Altair safely caught the baby and tenderly handed it over to the happy parents.
ALTAIR: “You know how I caught that thing? With THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!”
Commander Blanket contacted Scoop’s parents and hesitantly informed them of their son’s death. As the Quasars cried uncontrollably, Blanket lied that Scoop had died heroically saving the station from attack. He agreed to send Scoop’s body back home to Muncie.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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