And now, the final episode of Season 12...and since I started off this archive with Season 13, we are now all caught up with the past SCANDAL! summaries. Season 14 begins in May, so I'll return with the new synopses then. See you at Dad's Garage!
Episode 14: Full House/Two Pair
In the great room, Bixie Biederback was preparing to announce which of the contestants had won Iceland, when producer Vivian LaDouche burst in with an announcement. The network had been bought by Spike TV, and to conform to Spike standards, they would need to have 42 nut-kicks, 20 sexual encounters, and 10 fires before the end of the show…so get cracking. This would have to be the most outrageous episode ever, or they were all finished. Poncey Highland responded by kicking Vivian in the crotch. (“41 more!”)
Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at Hello Pizza Kitty, discussing Vivian’s new demands. Lance assured Miller that he didn’t have anything to worry about…all Miller had to do is get high, and outrageous stuff is bound to happen.
Dorothy was doing some spring cleaning in her trash can when Poncey came by. She explained that she wasn’t worried about satisfying Vivian and winning the prize, since she could get along just fine without Iceland. Poncey pointed out that Iceland has magical powers, but she responded that she had powers of her own, and demonstrated by wishing her umbrella to come to her. Poncey asked if she could grant his wish of getting his pet-grooming salon back, and she told him that the power was within himself.
In her office, Bixie was arguing with Vivian about his interference with the show, but Vivian was too busy talking with the Spike executives on his cell phone. After finishing the call, Vivian let her in on his big secret: He never intended to give away Iceland at all; instead, he planned a REAL big finish. When all the contestants are gathered in the sauna for the “announcement,” they’ll be gassed to death…a sure-fire ratings-grabber. When Bixie objected, he knocked her out and stole her glasses.
Miller and Dorothy were up on the roof, discussing their plans for the future. Miller figured that, once the show was over, he could go back to medical school, perhaps in Iceland…and he’d be happy to let her live in the dumpster behind his dorm. Touched by his offer, Dorothy offered him a can of chicken in gravy.
Wandering blindly through the halls, Bixie ran into Poncey. She told him about Vivian’s plans to kill everybody, and he angrily blamed her for leading them to this situation. After calming down, Poncey agreed to guide Bixie to her office. As she walked off in the direction Poncey had pointed her, ominous music played…
Vivian and Lance were in the editing room, going over the footage of Poncey kicking Vivian in the nuts. Just then, they got a phone call from Bob Saget, offering to do funny voice-overs for the nut-kick scene. (“Hang up, he’s tracing the call!”) Vivian then informed Lance that he was planning an ice-cream party in the sauna; he asked Lance to bring the ice-cream…and some 30-weight iron chains to wrap around the doors.
Miller went to Poncey’s room to forge an alliance, and discovered Bixie trapped underneath Poncey’s bed. Poncey told Miller that he’d learned something very important about Bixie. Trying to guess what the secret could be, Miller asked “Bixie, do you have a penis?” She answered “Yes”…she’d been a man all along, but nobody had ever bothered to ask.
Dorothy was in the kitchen when Lance entered. Dorothy confronted him for breaking her heart…she appreciated that he killed his wife for her, but was upset that he hadn’t given her a ring. He told her that he wanted to her to settle down with his family in Iceland, but he needed money to make that happen. She revealed that she had plenty of money saved up, but she never mentioned it because she didn’t want him to love her for her millions. With his financial future secured, Lance proposed…and she accepted.
Vivian LaDouche was up on the roof, talking on the phone with the other network executives about his plans for the finale. Just then, he got another call, which turned out to be…Bob Saget. (“You can’t escape me, LaDouche. Saget knows everything!”) Vivian hung up and returned to his bosses, only to be interrupted by yet another call. (“Saget, you’re fucking dead! Oh, sorry, Mom.”)
In the confession booth, Poncey told Lance that he was having strange feelings now that he’d learned something surprising about Bixie. Before Poncey could explain that Bixie was really a man, the confused Lance attempted to clarify how Poncey should feel by comparing Poncey and Bixie to bears. When that metaphor failed, Lance suggested using monkeys instead.
Dorothy ran into Bixie and gave her the good news about her engagement, explaining that she and Lance were going to be wed in the sauna room. Bixie warned her to stay away from the sauna, explaining all about Vivian’s plan to kill everybody. Bixie offered to stay behind and sacrifice herself to give Dorothy and Lance a chance to escape (“I’ve got nothing to live for anyway”). Dorothy announced that nobody was going to die today. (“I fought in the Korean War, motherfucker!”) Nevertheless, just in case they never saw each other again, Bixie had a farewell gift for Dorothy. With that, Bixie reached into her blouse and pulled out one of her fake boobs. (Dorothy: “Well, I certainly need these!”)
Miller went to Vivian’s office and offered to forge an alliance with him. Vivian agreed (“I’m sure the alliance of an idiotic dopehead will make all the difference”), then instructed Miller how to fulfill his end of the alliance. When everyone is gathered in the sauna, Vivian will announce that Miller is the winner, which will be Miller’s cue to let Vivian out, then bar the door so the other contestants will be a captive audience for Miller’s gloating. They toasted their partnership, with Miller drinking his bongwater.
Bixie ran down to the basement and informed Lance that she’d chartered a bus for him to escape with Dorothy. Lance replied that he would have to check with Dorothy before changing their wedding plans, but Bixie told him to make a decision for himself. She then reached into her blouse and pulled out her other boob.
BIXIE: “Let it give you strength.”
LANCE: “I’ll give it to Dorothy, she really needs it!”
Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy suddenly surfaced, showing off her new breasts. She asked Poncey to plan her wedding, and he replied that he’d do better than that…he’s actually an ordained minister, and would perform the wedding for her. Poncey told her how happy he was for her, though he confessed being sad that he didn’t have anyone for himself. Dorothy replied that God had brought them all together in the same house for a reason…then they broke into a chorus of “Somewhere Out There.”
In his bedroom, Miller was attempting to forge an alliance with himself, but soon found that his stoner misunderstandings made it impossible for anybody to talk to Miller (even Miller himself).
Poncey ran into Bixie’s office, only to find Vivian LaDouche. Vivian was surprised to see a gay man carrying a Bible (“Shouldn’t that be burning you like acid?”). Brushing aside the homophobic comment, Poncey declared that he needed to tell Bixie that he loves him. Vivian was startled to hear Poncey refer to Bixie as “him,” especially since Vivian had slept with Bixie. Just then, the phone rang…it was Bob Saget, telling Vivian that he was watching them right now.
Dorothy and Lance were in the chapel, preparing their vows. He promised to be a good husband, saying that he knew she would love his kids. Dorothy sensed that Lance knew about some kind of danger; remembering Bixie’s escape plan, Lance insisted that they leave right now. Dorothy still had her heart set on getting married in the sauna, but said she might reconsider if Lance gave her a kiss. After some hesitation, Lance gave her a quick little kiss. (“Well, that was very unfulfilling for the audience.”)
Preparing for his trip to Iceland, Miller was packing his bong when Bixie ran in. Bixie attempted to warn him about Vivian’s plan to kill everybody, but Miller kept interrupting with amazed comments about Bixie being a man. Fed up, Bixie told him to go ahead and go to the sauna.
Vivian LaDouche was outside in the hedge maze, trying to escape the surveillance of Bob Saget. Vivian boasted to Saget that he would pull off the biggest stunt ever, and then Saget would see who was the king of reality TV. In response, Bob Saget put Dave Coulier on the line.
By the pool, Poncey and Bixie were discussing the upcoming wedding. Bixie suggested that they accept their true feelings for one another, and make it a double wedding.
BIXIE: “Why did it take us so long? Did it really matter what my gender is?”
PONCEY: “Yes.”
Soon afterwards, everybody was gathered in the sauna for the ceremony. Vivian announced that the winner of Iceland was…everybody! Bixie warned them that he was lying, but Vivian asked if they were going to believe a person who’d lied to everybody about his gender. Poncey went ahead with the ceremony, pronouncing Lance and Dorothy man and wife. After Lance and Dorothy kissed, Poncey married himself to Bixie. As everybody was rejoicing, Miller let Vivian out and then chained the doors shut. Realizing that Vivian’s plan was actually happening, everybody started panicking. Dorothy restored order by announcing that she hadn’t been totally honest with everyone. Dorothy then removed her wig, revealing herself as…Bob Saget!
Saget explained that he had warned Dorothy about Vivian’s plan, and had switched places with her before the ceremony. The real Dorothy was safe outside the house. As the poison gas began to come through the vents, Saget instructed everyone to use their unique talents to save the day. Saget destroyed the lock by making fart noises; Poncey and Miller used their expertise in sucking on things to siphon off the gas; Lance filmed the operation; and Bixie used his power of telephoning the police. Once they were saved, they climbed up on the roof to face Vivian LaDouche. Vivian warned them that he still had one vial of poison gas left and would kill them all. Poncey threw his Bible at Vivian, knocking the vial into Vivian’s mouth and causing him to swallow it. With Vivian dead and everybody else safe, the housemates hailed Bob Saget as a hero. Saget told them that Dorothy would be rejoining them shortly, but he was needed elsewhere. (“Wherever there’s trouble, Bob Saget will be there.”) With that, Bob Saget flew off into the sky.
THE END
Showing posts with label vivian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vivian. Show all posts
Friday, March 27, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Season 12, Episode 12: What the Hell Just Happened?
Episode 12: What the Hell Just Happened?
Producer Vivan LaDouche met with hostess/director Bixie Biederback in her office (with Dorothy also in attendance), explaining his newest ratings-boosting scheme. He’s going to institute a vote to get people thrown off the show…and everyone, even Bixie, is at risk. Dorothy responded by holding up an unflattering drawing of Vivian she’d done while he was talking.
In the confession booth, we saw Eric von Landingham, strangely recovered from his brain damage. He revealed the reason for this discrepancy: His name is not actually Eric von Landingham…but Brian Biederback, an aspiring actor. His mother Bixie got him a spot on the show, and all of his ever-changing personas (nerdy photo clerk, angry rocker, Vaderesque evil overlord, brain-damage casualty) were simply acting choices. Cameraman Lance Belligui was outraged by Brian’s fakery, protesting that this was supposed to be a reality show. Brian, believing that the rest of the show was just as phony as he was, complimented Lance on his angry “performance.”
Miller, having changed from the Hulk back to his old self, was relaxing in the garden when he encountered a strange, shaggy figure covered in leaves and branches. After a moment, Miller finally recognized the wild man as…Rory Manchester! Miller offered the caveman Rory a joint, and the pot miraculously brought Rory back to lucidity. Rory explained that he had made a long, difficult journey back from the Dagoba System (which turned out to be near Tucker, Georgia).
Mortally injured after being raped by the Miller-Hulk, Jack Hanna made a last-ditch effort to summon his animal friends. The animals gathered around him and transferred their power to Jack, reviving him like Halle Berry in Catwoman. (“Come on, who saw Catwoman?”)
Lance burst into Bixie’s office to confront her about planting her son on the show. Brian, surprised to learn that Lance really wasn’t an actor, was nevertheless impressed by his anger and energy. Brian and Bixie told Lance that he had the potential to be a young Marlon Brando, and offered to help him with an acting exercise. They called in Dorothy to improvise a love scene; as the scene progressed, Dorothy and Lance stopped acting and genuinely declared their love for one another. They threw Bixie and Brian out so they could have a private moment, then Lance confessed that he killed his wife so that they could be together. Dorothy replied that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her.
Vivian went to Miller’s room to discuss the ratings, comparing the ratings cycle to crack addiction: It always takes more and more to get that high again, and soon you’re giving blowjobs to get your next fix. Miller realized that Vivian was baring his soul by confessing what his ratings obsession had driven him to. Vivian, touched by Miller’s insight, took him as a confidante. Vivian confessed that his new ratings scheme isn’t just to vote someone off the show…it’s to vote them off, take them out back and shoot them.
Rory was wandering through the woods when he ran into Jack Hanna, who couldn’t figure out why he was still alive. As they conversed, they discovered common ground in their knowledge of obscure animal facts, and they sang a song of zoological trivia. Rory then explained to Jack that he used to want nothing more than to win the show and get his hands on the nuclear oil underneath Iceland…but now, he was a changed man.
In Bixie’s office, Dorothy was drawing a sketch of Brian while Vivian informed Bixie about his plan to shoot the loser of this week’s vote. Hearing this plan, Dorothy protested that he couldn’t do that. Vivian replied that, being from the network, he could do anything he wanted, then demonstrated by overturning Dorothy’s shopping cart. An epic slow-motion brawl ensued, ending with Dorothy poking Vivian in the eye with an umbrella.
Rory was in his old bedroom, wistfully looking over his old implements of evil. (“Torture Bed…Suffocating Pillow…Anal-Rape Stool…Lamp.”) The Torture Bed called out to him, trying to tempt him back to the dark-meat side. Rory struggled to resist the temptation of nuclear oil. The Lamp declared “Rory, I am your father.”
Dorothy and Lance were trying to figure out a way to escape the show. Lance confided that he had the grand prize, the deed to Iceland. Dorothy revealed that Vivian had given her a deed too. Just as Dorothy began fuming at Vivian’s latest duplicity, a shot rang out, and Dorothy collapsed.
Vivan brought Miller to the Chamber of Votitude to fill out his ballot to vote out a housemate. As Miller contemplated his choice, dramatic music filled the air (because Eric/Brian was singing “Carmina Burana” from off-stage). Miller finally cast his vote for “Eric Shut-the-Fuck-Up von Landingham.”
Up on the roof, Bixie and Brian Biederback were talking about their work on the show and their relationship. Brian began a monologue reminiscing about his childhood, but was drowned out by singing from off-stage.
In the Chamber of Votitude, Jack Hanna filled out his ballot while reciting one animal fact after another. (Curiously, all of his facts were penis-related.) He finally held up his ballot, revealing his vote for Lance. Suddenly, a shot rang out and Jack collapsed.
In the game room, Rory confided to Lance that he was at a crossroads; he could use the nuclear oil to become the most powerful person in the world, or he could take out Vivian LaDouche. Since Lance was the most honest, innocent person Rory knew (apart from Dorothy), he needed his help to make the right choice. He asked Lance to sneak into the Chamber of Votitude and put Rory’s name on all the ballots.
The badly-wounded Jack Hanna crawled over to Miller, followed shortly by the equally wounded Dorothy. Promising that they would both make it through this, Miller revealed the never-before-mentioned fact that he’d been through medical school. He performed impromptu surgery on both of them, then gave them some medicinal marijuana. With Hanna and Dorothy fully recovered, they decided to go into action as a trio, like super-heroes.
Vivian summoned everyone to the Chamber of Votitude, where he announced that Rory had been voted off unanimously. Rory insisted that, rather than take him out back, Vivian should finish him right there in front of everybody. Vivian and Rory faced off for an epic struggle, completely unfazed by anybody else’s attempts to intervene in the fight. Finally, Vivian snapped Rory’s neck. Rory managed to get one last shot in by biting Vivian’s crotch as he fell.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Producer Vivan LaDouche met with hostess/director Bixie Biederback in her office (with Dorothy also in attendance), explaining his newest ratings-boosting scheme. He’s going to institute a vote to get people thrown off the show…and everyone, even Bixie, is at risk. Dorothy responded by holding up an unflattering drawing of Vivian she’d done while he was talking.
In the confession booth, we saw Eric von Landingham, strangely recovered from his brain damage. He revealed the reason for this discrepancy: His name is not actually Eric von Landingham…but Brian Biederback, an aspiring actor. His mother Bixie got him a spot on the show, and all of his ever-changing personas (nerdy photo clerk, angry rocker, Vaderesque evil overlord, brain-damage casualty) were simply acting choices. Cameraman Lance Belligui was outraged by Brian’s fakery, protesting that this was supposed to be a reality show. Brian, believing that the rest of the show was just as phony as he was, complimented Lance on his angry “performance.”
Miller, having changed from the Hulk back to his old self, was relaxing in the garden when he encountered a strange, shaggy figure covered in leaves and branches. After a moment, Miller finally recognized the wild man as…Rory Manchester! Miller offered the caveman Rory a joint, and the pot miraculously brought Rory back to lucidity. Rory explained that he had made a long, difficult journey back from the Dagoba System (which turned out to be near Tucker, Georgia).
Mortally injured after being raped by the Miller-Hulk, Jack Hanna made a last-ditch effort to summon his animal friends. The animals gathered around him and transferred their power to Jack, reviving him like Halle Berry in Catwoman. (“Come on, who saw Catwoman?”)
Lance burst into Bixie’s office to confront her about planting her son on the show. Brian, surprised to learn that Lance really wasn’t an actor, was nevertheless impressed by his anger and energy. Brian and Bixie told Lance that he had the potential to be a young Marlon Brando, and offered to help him with an acting exercise. They called in Dorothy to improvise a love scene; as the scene progressed, Dorothy and Lance stopped acting and genuinely declared their love for one another. They threw Bixie and Brian out so they could have a private moment, then Lance confessed that he killed his wife so that they could be together. Dorothy replied that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her.
Vivian went to Miller’s room to discuss the ratings, comparing the ratings cycle to crack addiction: It always takes more and more to get that high again, and soon you’re giving blowjobs to get your next fix. Miller realized that Vivian was baring his soul by confessing what his ratings obsession had driven him to. Vivian, touched by Miller’s insight, took him as a confidante. Vivian confessed that his new ratings scheme isn’t just to vote someone off the show…it’s to vote them off, take them out back and shoot them.
Rory was wandering through the woods when he ran into Jack Hanna, who couldn’t figure out why he was still alive. As they conversed, they discovered common ground in their knowledge of obscure animal facts, and they sang a song of zoological trivia. Rory then explained to Jack that he used to want nothing more than to win the show and get his hands on the nuclear oil underneath Iceland…but now, he was a changed man.
In Bixie’s office, Dorothy was drawing a sketch of Brian while Vivian informed Bixie about his plan to shoot the loser of this week’s vote. Hearing this plan, Dorothy protested that he couldn’t do that. Vivian replied that, being from the network, he could do anything he wanted, then demonstrated by overturning Dorothy’s shopping cart. An epic slow-motion brawl ensued, ending with Dorothy poking Vivian in the eye with an umbrella.
Rory was in his old bedroom, wistfully looking over his old implements of evil. (“Torture Bed…Suffocating Pillow…Anal-Rape Stool…Lamp.”) The Torture Bed called out to him, trying to tempt him back to the dark-meat side. Rory struggled to resist the temptation of nuclear oil. The Lamp declared “Rory, I am your father.”
Dorothy and Lance were trying to figure out a way to escape the show. Lance confided that he had the grand prize, the deed to Iceland. Dorothy revealed that Vivian had given her a deed too. Just as Dorothy began fuming at Vivian’s latest duplicity, a shot rang out, and Dorothy collapsed.
Vivan brought Miller to the Chamber of Votitude to fill out his ballot to vote out a housemate. As Miller contemplated his choice, dramatic music filled the air (because Eric/Brian was singing “Carmina Burana” from off-stage). Miller finally cast his vote for “Eric Shut-the-Fuck-Up von Landingham.”
Up on the roof, Bixie and Brian Biederback were talking about their work on the show and their relationship. Brian began a monologue reminiscing about his childhood, but was drowned out by singing from off-stage.
In the Chamber of Votitude, Jack Hanna filled out his ballot while reciting one animal fact after another. (Curiously, all of his facts were penis-related.) He finally held up his ballot, revealing his vote for Lance. Suddenly, a shot rang out and Jack collapsed.
In the game room, Rory confided to Lance that he was at a crossroads; he could use the nuclear oil to become the most powerful person in the world, or he could take out Vivian LaDouche. Since Lance was the most honest, innocent person Rory knew (apart from Dorothy), he needed his help to make the right choice. He asked Lance to sneak into the Chamber of Votitude and put Rory’s name on all the ballots.
The badly-wounded Jack Hanna crawled over to Miller, followed shortly by the equally wounded Dorothy. Promising that they would both make it through this, Miller revealed the never-before-mentioned fact that he’d been through medical school. He performed impromptu surgery on both of them, then gave them some medicinal marijuana. With Hanna and Dorothy fully recovered, they decided to go into action as a trio, like super-heroes.
Vivian summoned everyone to the Chamber of Votitude, where he announced that Rory had been voted off unanimously. Rory insisted that, rather than take him out back, Vivian should finish him right there in front of everybody. Vivian and Rory faced off for an epic struggle, completely unfazed by anybody else’s attempts to intervene in the fight. Finally, Vivian snapped Rory’s neck. Rory managed to get one last shot in by biting Vivian’s crotch as he fell.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Season 12, Episode 11: Gamma Radiation, Hanna Degradation
Episode 11: Gamma Radiation, Hanna Degradation
In the production office, producer Vivian LaDouche was shouting at Lance Belligui, ranting that Lance’s shoddy camerawork was bringing down the show’s ratings. Vivian warned him that he was going to bring up the ratings, even if it kills Lance.
Gardening in the backyard, Poncey Highland was surprised by the arrival of Jack Hanna, carrying a miniature moose and an albino gibbon. Poncey was thrilled to meet one of People Magazine’s 25 Sexiest Men of 1996. In between spouting fun facts about various animals (“Did you know that some fleas have Y-shaped penises?”), Hanna asked where he could find the show’s cameraman.
In the alley, Miller was telling Dorothy about his career prospects at Hello Pizza Kitty when insurance salesman Oral Hanks suddenly dropped in from the sky. After introducing himself, he offered them some reality-show insurance, citing the fact that 9 out of 10 reality-show contestants get horribly maimed. From this show’s track record, Dorothy could believe those figures.
Lance Belligui was fuming in the game room when Jack Hanna entered, accompanied by ominous music. When Lance demanded to know what Hanna had done with Lance’s wife, Hanna assured him that she was safe. A flashback revealed the reason for Hanna’s grudge against Lance: While filming an episode of “Animal Adventures,” Lance stood by filming, doing nothing to help while Jack Hanna was stampeded by zebras.
In the bar, Miller introduced Oral Hanks to Poncey (who had adopted the albino gibbon “Nibbles”). Poncey dismissed Oral as a huckster, but Oral insisted that accidents could happen at any time, like that chair that’s about to fall from the ceiling. While everyone was looking up, Oral grabbed a chair and hit Nibbles. They attempted CPR, but Miller snapped Nibbles’ neck in the process.
Vivian LaDouche, explaining the concept of corporate sponsorship to Dorothy, told her to try their sponsor’s new product, Coca-Cola Blak, then share her honest reaction. She took a swig and immediately spit it out. (“That’s my honest reaction.”) Vivian warned her not to fuck with Coca-Cola.
In the hallway, Lance ran into Oral Hanks (literally), who offered him some anti-collision insurance. Hysterically, Lance cried that his wife had been kidnapped, and Oral sold him some kidnapped-wife insurance. Lance explained that she had been taken by the world’s most evil man, a man who knew nothing of compassion. Oral replied “Oh, Jack Hanna!”
Miller and Poncey were waiting in the veterinary emergency room, waiting for news on Nibbles’ condition. Miller apologized for breaking the gibbon’s neck, explaining that he thought Nibbles needed chiropractic. Poncey didn’t buy it, and Miller finally admitted that he was jealous of the affection Nibbles gave Poncey. Miller was concerned that his violent urges, long suppressed by pot-smoking, were starting to come out. He needed some way of controlling his inner raging beast…like maybe gamma radiation.
Later, Vivian was relaxing in the hot tub when Miller arrived. Repeating his corporate-sponsorship pitch, Vivian asked Miller to try new Coke Blak. Tasting it, Miller declared that it was everything he ever wanted in life. Just then, Poncey rushed in, shouting a warning that Coke Blak is made with gamma rays. Miller began to transform into a rampaging hulk, smashing the hot tub (with Vivian still inside).
Jack Hanna was letting his moose graze on the eucalyptus tree in the garden when Dorothy entered. Enchanted by the animals, Dorothy got a kiss on the cheek from the tiger cub, then climbed on the moose’s back for a ride. Suddenly, the Miller-Hulk ran through, destroying the tree. Hanna threw himself on Dorothy to protect her. Once the danger had passed, they kissed passionately.
Poncey ran down to the basement to warn Lance that they were in danger. Lance asked if it was Jack Hanna, and Poncey explained that it was worse: Miller had hulked out and was smashing all the set pieces. Poncey then backed up and asked Lance what he meant by that remark about Jack Hanna. Lance explained the situation, and Poncey helped him devise a plan to get rid of Jack Hanna. Poncey would seduce Hanna and slip some weed in his crotch, so that the Miller-Hulk would destroy Jack to get to it.
In the garden, Dorothy and Jack Hanna were relaxing in post-coital bliss while Jack whispered animal facts in her ear (“Did you know the swan is the only bird with a penis?”). She was having guilt feelings about their encounter, since she’d been having an on-again/off-again relationship with Lance. Shocked by the revelation that she had slept with his arch-enemy, Hanna rose up in anger…but couldn’t stay mad when she assumed a mating-display position.
In the hallway, Lance ran into Vivian. Impressed by Lance’s fury at Jack Hanna (“Did you know Jack Hanna is the only man without a penis?”), Vivian filmed Lance’s explanation of his vendetta. Vivian encouraged Lance to kill Jack (and boost the ratings), but Lance replied that he wouldn’t…at least, he wouldn’t do it HIMSELF.
Poncey informed Oral Hanks that he was about to go on a dangerous mission, and could use some insurance. Immediately guessing what that mission was, Oral offered to help him take down Jack Hanna.
Torn between Lance and Jack Hanna, Dorothy sang a song to Jesus asking advice. Suddenly, Miller-Hulk came rampaging through, but upon seeing Dorothy, he stopped in his tracks and uttered “Friend?” Dorothy asked if there was any way she could help him, and he grunted “Backrub.”
Jack Hanna was herding his animals in the great room when Poncey and Oral Hanks entered. Hanna began to use his Sexiest-Man-of-1996 charisma to distract Poncey, but Oral whacked Hanna with his briefcase, then shouted out to the Hulk. Hearing the call, Miller punched out Dorothy and ran over to the great room. Jack Hanna regained consciousness just as Miller-Hulk went for his pants.
Coming to, Dorothy heard muffled yells coming from nearby. Following the sound, she discovered a bound woman with duct-tape covering her mouth. Realizing that this was Lance’s wife, Dorothy answered her pleas: “I’m not untying you, bitch!”
Despite having been buggered by the Hulk, Jack Hanna remained defiant. He pulled a lever, causing Oral Hanks to plunge through a trapdoor into a bottomless pit. Hanna then used his power to summon all his animals and make them attack Miller-Hulk.
Dorothy finally relented and removed the duct-tape from Mrs. Belligui’s mouth (though she remained tied up), just as Lance entered. Before they could confront each other, Jack Hanna entered and began taunting Lance. (“I survived getting fucked by the Hulk! You think you can take me down?”) Before he could get his revenge, the day was saved when Oral Hanks suddenly fell from the sky (having fallen all the way through the earth and back again) and landed on Jack Hanna. As soon as Hanna was down, Miller-Hulk ran in for more.
TO BE CONTINUED…
In the production office, producer Vivian LaDouche was shouting at Lance Belligui, ranting that Lance’s shoddy camerawork was bringing down the show’s ratings. Vivian warned him that he was going to bring up the ratings, even if it kills Lance.
Gardening in the backyard, Poncey Highland was surprised by the arrival of Jack Hanna, carrying a miniature moose and an albino gibbon. Poncey was thrilled to meet one of People Magazine’s 25 Sexiest Men of 1996. In between spouting fun facts about various animals (“Did you know that some fleas have Y-shaped penises?”), Hanna asked where he could find the show’s cameraman.
In the alley, Miller was telling Dorothy about his career prospects at Hello Pizza Kitty when insurance salesman Oral Hanks suddenly dropped in from the sky. After introducing himself, he offered them some reality-show insurance, citing the fact that 9 out of 10 reality-show contestants get horribly maimed. From this show’s track record, Dorothy could believe those figures.
Lance Belligui was fuming in the game room when Jack Hanna entered, accompanied by ominous music. When Lance demanded to know what Hanna had done with Lance’s wife, Hanna assured him that she was safe. A flashback revealed the reason for Hanna’s grudge against Lance: While filming an episode of “Animal Adventures,” Lance stood by filming, doing nothing to help while Jack Hanna was stampeded by zebras.
In the bar, Miller introduced Oral Hanks to Poncey (who had adopted the albino gibbon “Nibbles”). Poncey dismissed Oral as a huckster, but Oral insisted that accidents could happen at any time, like that chair that’s about to fall from the ceiling. While everyone was looking up, Oral grabbed a chair and hit Nibbles. They attempted CPR, but Miller snapped Nibbles’ neck in the process.
Vivian LaDouche, explaining the concept of corporate sponsorship to Dorothy, told her to try their sponsor’s new product, Coca-Cola Blak, then share her honest reaction. She took a swig and immediately spit it out. (“That’s my honest reaction.”) Vivian warned her not to fuck with Coca-Cola.
In the hallway, Lance ran into Oral Hanks (literally), who offered him some anti-collision insurance. Hysterically, Lance cried that his wife had been kidnapped, and Oral sold him some kidnapped-wife insurance. Lance explained that she had been taken by the world’s most evil man, a man who knew nothing of compassion. Oral replied “Oh, Jack Hanna!”
Miller and Poncey were waiting in the veterinary emergency room, waiting for news on Nibbles’ condition. Miller apologized for breaking the gibbon’s neck, explaining that he thought Nibbles needed chiropractic. Poncey didn’t buy it, and Miller finally admitted that he was jealous of the affection Nibbles gave Poncey. Miller was concerned that his violent urges, long suppressed by pot-smoking, were starting to come out. He needed some way of controlling his inner raging beast…like maybe gamma radiation.
Later, Vivian was relaxing in the hot tub when Miller arrived. Repeating his corporate-sponsorship pitch, Vivian asked Miller to try new Coke Blak. Tasting it, Miller declared that it was everything he ever wanted in life. Just then, Poncey rushed in, shouting a warning that Coke Blak is made with gamma rays. Miller began to transform into a rampaging hulk, smashing the hot tub (with Vivian still inside).
Jack Hanna was letting his moose graze on the eucalyptus tree in the garden when Dorothy entered. Enchanted by the animals, Dorothy got a kiss on the cheek from the tiger cub, then climbed on the moose’s back for a ride. Suddenly, the Miller-Hulk ran through, destroying the tree. Hanna threw himself on Dorothy to protect her. Once the danger had passed, they kissed passionately.
Poncey ran down to the basement to warn Lance that they were in danger. Lance asked if it was Jack Hanna, and Poncey explained that it was worse: Miller had hulked out and was smashing all the set pieces. Poncey then backed up and asked Lance what he meant by that remark about Jack Hanna. Lance explained the situation, and Poncey helped him devise a plan to get rid of Jack Hanna. Poncey would seduce Hanna and slip some weed in his crotch, so that the Miller-Hulk would destroy Jack to get to it.
In the garden, Dorothy and Jack Hanna were relaxing in post-coital bliss while Jack whispered animal facts in her ear (“Did you know the swan is the only bird with a penis?”). She was having guilt feelings about their encounter, since she’d been having an on-again/off-again relationship with Lance. Shocked by the revelation that she had slept with his arch-enemy, Hanna rose up in anger…but couldn’t stay mad when she assumed a mating-display position.
In the hallway, Lance ran into Vivian. Impressed by Lance’s fury at Jack Hanna (“Did you know Jack Hanna is the only man without a penis?”), Vivian filmed Lance’s explanation of his vendetta. Vivian encouraged Lance to kill Jack (and boost the ratings), but Lance replied that he wouldn’t…at least, he wouldn’t do it HIMSELF.
Poncey informed Oral Hanks that he was about to go on a dangerous mission, and could use some insurance. Immediately guessing what that mission was, Oral offered to help him take down Jack Hanna.
Torn between Lance and Jack Hanna, Dorothy sang a song to Jesus asking advice. Suddenly, Miller-Hulk came rampaging through, but upon seeing Dorothy, he stopped in his tracks and uttered “Friend?” Dorothy asked if there was any way she could help him, and he grunted “Backrub.”
Jack Hanna was herding his animals in the great room when Poncey and Oral Hanks entered. Hanna began to use his Sexiest-Man-of-1996 charisma to distract Poncey, but Oral whacked Hanna with his briefcase, then shouted out to the Hulk. Hearing the call, Miller punched out Dorothy and ran over to the great room. Jack Hanna regained consciousness just as Miller-Hulk went for his pants.
Coming to, Dorothy heard muffled yells coming from nearby. Following the sound, she discovered a bound woman with duct-tape covering her mouth. Realizing that this was Lance’s wife, Dorothy answered her pleas: “I’m not untying you, bitch!”
Despite having been buggered by the Hulk, Jack Hanna remained defiant. He pulled a lever, causing Oral Hanks to plunge through a trapdoor into a bottomless pit. Hanna then used his power to summon all his animals and make them attack Miller-Hulk.
Dorothy finally relented and removed the duct-tape from Mrs. Belligui’s mouth (though she remained tied up), just as Lance entered. Before they could confront each other, Jack Hanna entered and began taunting Lance. (“I survived getting fucked by the Hulk! You think you can take me down?”) Before he could get his revenge, the day was saved when Oral Hanks suddenly fell from the sky (having fallen all the way through the earth and back again) and landed on Jack Hanna. As soon as Hanna was down, Miller-Hulk ran in for more.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, March 23, 2009
Season 12, Episode 10: Romancing the Stoner
Episode 10: Romancing the Stoner
Miller was relaxing on the roof when producer Vivian LaDouche arrived. Vivian informed Miller that the show’s ratings were down, and he needed Miller to do his part by being a team player…“team player” meaning “do everything Vivian says.” Miller pointed out that every time he’s done what people told him, bad things have happened (like Eric getting shot and Hank getting struck by lightning).
Cameraman Lance Belligui was in the library with this week’s guest, romance novelist Jessica Lovingstone. She asked him about himself and his deepest feelings, and he confessed about his love/hate relationship with Dorothy and his guilt over cheating on his wife. Taking notes, she advised him to follow the example of her novels: “Cheat on your wife, then slap her, kiss her passionately, and leave with her money.”
Dorothy was making lunch in the kitchen when Bixie Biederback entered. After a moment of awkward skirting around the subject, they began talking about the time they slept together. Bixie informed Dorothy that she only did it to boost the ratings, but Dorothy insisted that there was something genuine between them.
Noticing that Poncey was depressed, Miller tried to get him to open up. Poncey said that he didn’t feel like taking to people, so Miller suggested that he think of him not as a person, but as his favorite childhood stuffed animal. Poncey revealed that his lover Blaine had run off to Dollywood…with the brain-damaged Eric von Landingham. He further explained that Blaine had sold their grooming salon for 800 pounds of ecstasy, and was already halfway through it. Miller offered to help Poncey find Blaine (and more importantly, those 400 pounds of X).
In the confession booth, Jessica Lovingstone was interviewing Dorothy, who informed her that she was torn between her feelings for Lance and Bixie. Intrigued by this love triangle (particularly the sauciness of Dorothy dressing as Burt Reynolds to seduce Bixie), Jessica suggested that Dorothy do as her heroines would do: make her dreams come true and sail away with her love…of course, she would have to choose Lance because lesbianism is a sin. When Dorothy asked if it wasn’t also a sin to take away a married man, Jessica replied that it’s okay because his wife is far away.
In the game room, Vivian was berating Lance about his shaky camerawork. He promised to protect Lance’s family from Jack Hanna if Lance used a tripod. When Lance protested that a tripod was “cheating,” Vivian retorted “It’s not cheating if you care.” Lance repeated this phrase: “It’s not cheating if you care.”
Poncey was moping in the backyard when Bixie came by, equally depressed. She explained that she was afraid of losing her job because of the poor ratings, and Poncey attempted to cheer her up by reminding her of all the worse ordeals she’s survived (like the time she caught on fire).
In the bowling alley, Jessica was interviewing Miller about his romances; he replied that his greatest loves were pot and pizza. She informed Miller that he reminded her of a supporting character from one of her novels: Ricardo, an opium-smoking pasta maker who came to a bad end, dying in the gutter after shooting someone in the head. (“Shit, I’ve already shot someone! I’m halfway there!”) She suggested that he could avoid Ricardo’s fate by finding love. When Miller complained that the only two women in the house were with each other, Jessica hinted that there WAS one other woman there. Catching on, Miller realized that Jessica’s inordinately long fingernails could add a kinky touch to the encounter…
Vivian LaDouche was complaining about the poor ratings in Bixie’s office. He informed her how vital it was that the show do well, because its success was the key to him getting his OWN reality show produced: He plans to bring hip-hop star Ol’ Dirty Bastard back from the dead and put him on a dating show.
In the backyard, Dorothy was taking shelter from the rain under a tree when Poncey came by with an umbrella. Dorothy noticed that Poncey seemed happier, and he explained that the bad weather was cheering him up because he knew Blaine and Eric were being rained on too. He asked if she knew what it was like to be in a 13-year relationship. She replied that she once wore the same pair of pants for 13 years, and it felt great to finally get them off. She told Poncey that he should be just as glad to be rid of his own “pair of pants.”
Lance was talking to Miller at the Hello Pizza Kitty when Miller finally managed to pull a huge fingernail out of his butt…left behind during his liaison with Jessica Lovingstone. Lance pointed out that Jessica had only used him to get material for her novels, but Miller had no problem with being used that way. They high-fived.
Although a big fan of Jessica Lovingstone’s work, Poncey was so disillusioned with love that he was in no mood to talk to her. When she called him a whiny bitch, Poncey was about to slap-fight her, but immediately backed down when he realized the damage her nails could do.
Lance and Bixie were talking about the hard rain outside; Lance segued into a DeNiroesque monologue, saying that “my right hand of righteousness will make an even harder rain come down.”
Communicating entirely in mime, Vivian LaDouche told Dorothy that she needed to improve the ratings by upping the sex appeal. She responded by tonguing him.
Up on the roof, Bixie and Jessica were talking over old times, since they hadn’t seen each other in 20 years. During their conversation, Bixie discovered a fingernail up her rectum. Jessica confessed that she’d taken advantage of Bixie while she was in a drug-induced coma, explaining that she could only express her true feelings while Bixie was unconscious.
Dorothy found Lance hiding under her bed. Lance opened his shirt to reveal stars tattooed on his chest, in the manner of a Jessica Lovingstone hero. Dorothy confessed that she loved both Lance and Bixie, and couldn’t figure out which path her heart would follow. Lance offered to resolve her dilemma by getting rid of Bixie.
Poncey was drunk in the bar when Vivian LaDouche arrived. Vivian informed Poncey that his whiney moping was dragging down the ratings. He then handed Poncey a package from Blaine (containing a map of Dollywood, a hat, and a bag of oregano), in the hopes that these souvenirs of Blaine’s infidelity would make Poncey mad enough to get off his ass and actually DO something. Poncey responded by passionately kissing Vivian and throwing him to the ground.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Miller was relaxing on the roof when producer Vivian LaDouche arrived. Vivian informed Miller that the show’s ratings were down, and he needed Miller to do his part by being a team player…“team player” meaning “do everything Vivian says.” Miller pointed out that every time he’s done what people told him, bad things have happened (like Eric getting shot and Hank getting struck by lightning).
Cameraman Lance Belligui was in the library with this week’s guest, romance novelist Jessica Lovingstone. She asked him about himself and his deepest feelings, and he confessed about his love/hate relationship with Dorothy and his guilt over cheating on his wife. Taking notes, she advised him to follow the example of her novels: “Cheat on your wife, then slap her, kiss her passionately, and leave with her money.”
Dorothy was making lunch in the kitchen when Bixie Biederback entered. After a moment of awkward skirting around the subject, they began talking about the time they slept together. Bixie informed Dorothy that she only did it to boost the ratings, but Dorothy insisted that there was something genuine between them.
Noticing that Poncey was depressed, Miller tried to get him to open up. Poncey said that he didn’t feel like taking to people, so Miller suggested that he think of him not as a person, but as his favorite childhood stuffed animal. Poncey revealed that his lover Blaine had run off to Dollywood…with the brain-damaged Eric von Landingham. He further explained that Blaine had sold their grooming salon for 800 pounds of ecstasy, and was already halfway through it. Miller offered to help Poncey find Blaine (and more importantly, those 400 pounds of X).
In the confession booth, Jessica Lovingstone was interviewing Dorothy, who informed her that she was torn between her feelings for Lance and Bixie. Intrigued by this love triangle (particularly the sauciness of Dorothy dressing as Burt Reynolds to seduce Bixie), Jessica suggested that Dorothy do as her heroines would do: make her dreams come true and sail away with her love…of course, she would have to choose Lance because lesbianism is a sin. When Dorothy asked if it wasn’t also a sin to take away a married man, Jessica replied that it’s okay because his wife is far away.
In the game room, Vivian was berating Lance about his shaky camerawork. He promised to protect Lance’s family from Jack Hanna if Lance used a tripod. When Lance protested that a tripod was “cheating,” Vivian retorted “It’s not cheating if you care.” Lance repeated this phrase: “It’s not cheating if you care.”
Poncey was moping in the backyard when Bixie came by, equally depressed. She explained that she was afraid of losing her job because of the poor ratings, and Poncey attempted to cheer her up by reminding her of all the worse ordeals she’s survived (like the time she caught on fire).
In the bowling alley, Jessica was interviewing Miller about his romances; he replied that his greatest loves were pot and pizza. She informed Miller that he reminded her of a supporting character from one of her novels: Ricardo, an opium-smoking pasta maker who came to a bad end, dying in the gutter after shooting someone in the head. (“Shit, I’ve already shot someone! I’m halfway there!”) She suggested that he could avoid Ricardo’s fate by finding love. When Miller complained that the only two women in the house were with each other, Jessica hinted that there WAS one other woman there. Catching on, Miller realized that Jessica’s inordinately long fingernails could add a kinky touch to the encounter…
Vivian LaDouche was complaining about the poor ratings in Bixie’s office. He informed her how vital it was that the show do well, because its success was the key to him getting his OWN reality show produced: He plans to bring hip-hop star Ol’ Dirty Bastard back from the dead and put him on a dating show.
In the backyard, Dorothy was taking shelter from the rain under a tree when Poncey came by with an umbrella. Dorothy noticed that Poncey seemed happier, and he explained that the bad weather was cheering him up because he knew Blaine and Eric were being rained on too. He asked if she knew what it was like to be in a 13-year relationship. She replied that she once wore the same pair of pants for 13 years, and it felt great to finally get them off. She told Poncey that he should be just as glad to be rid of his own “pair of pants.”
Lance was talking to Miller at the Hello Pizza Kitty when Miller finally managed to pull a huge fingernail out of his butt…left behind during his liaison with Jessica Lovingstone. Lance pointed out that Jessica had only used him to get material for her novels, but Miller had no problem with being used that way. They high-fived.
Although a big fan of Jessica Lovingstone’s work, Poncey was so disillusioned with love that he was in no mood to talk to her. When she called him a whiny bitch, Poncey was about to slap-fight her, but immediately backed down when he realized the damage her nails could do.
Lance and Bixie were talking about the hard rain outside; Lance segued into a DeNiroesque monologue, saying that “my right hand of righteousness will make an even harder rain come down.”
Communicating entirely in mime, Vivian LaDouche told Dorothy that she needed to improve the ratings by upping the sex appeal. She responded by tonguing him.
Up on the roof, Bixie and Jessica were talking over old times, since they hadn’t seen each other in 20 years. During their conversation, Bixie discovered a fingernail up her rectum. Jessica confessed that she’d taken advantage of Bixie while she was in a drug-induced coma, explaining that she could only express her true feelings while Bixie was unconscious.
Dorothy found Lance hiding under her bed. Lance opened his shirt to reveal stars tattooed on his chest, in the manner of a Jessica Lovingstone hero. Dorothy confessed that she loved both Lance and Bixie, and couldn’t figure out which path her heart would follow. Lance offered to resolve her dilemma by getting rid of Bixie.
Poncey was drunk in the bar when Vivian LaDouche arrived. Vivian informed Poncey that his whiney moping was dragging down the ratings. He then handed Poncey a package from Blaine (containing a map of Dollywood, a hat, and a bag of oregano), in the hopes that these souvenirs of Blaine’s infidelity would make Poncey mad enough to get off his ass and actually DO something. Poncey responded by passionately kissing Vivian and throwing him to the ground.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)