Episode 22: To All Things an Ending
King Plough and Duke Nort were preparing for the upcoming battle with the forces of evil. Nort was afraid that he would freeze up when the battle began, but Plough offered him a tip to ease his combat anxiety: Imagine the enemy naked. He also urged Nort to bite his tongue and taste his own blood in order to draw on his hidden powers as a berserker. Plough explained that he had looked in the Annals of Nort (“It’s a book, don’t worry”) and learned that Nort had an ancestor who was a legendary berserker.
In modern-day Smyrna, Chambliss Tucker was buying a Propel bottled water and a Slushee at the 7-11, when a rip in the space-time continuum opened up and sucked her in.
Magic Jones was putting the finishing touches on his new headquarters, the Evil Fortress of Lost Souls. Baron Üterrüs entered, disappointed that Jones wasn’t satisfied with their old evil headquarters atop Skank Mountain. Üterrüs was also concerned about Jones’ plans to divide up the conquered world, as Jones had laid claim to some of the areas Üterrüs wanted. The Baron pondered the irony: He had always wanted Jones to join him in his evil, but now he could not trust him. Magic Jones persuaded Üterrüs to trust him by singing a ragtime tune.
Francis of the Rock People and Eileve were in the forest, discussing the impending conflict. Suddenly, Chambliss Tucker fell through a rip in the space-time continuum and landed at their feet. Francis and Eileve were amazed to see Chambliss back from the dead. She explained that when she died in this realm, she simply reappeared at her home in Smyrna.
FRANCIS: “This ‘Smyrna’…is it Heaven?”
CHAMBLISS: “It’s as close to heaven as you can get in the state of Georgia!”
King Plough and Baron Üterrüs met on neutral ground. Üterrüs explained that, although they were on opposite sides, he still had great respect for Plough. He offered Plough a chance to avoid the battle by fleeing to another kingdom and continuing his rule elsewhere. Plough angrily protested that he knew his limitations, and that he was incapable of ruling any land other than Ye Little Points of Five.
PLOUGH: “This fucking piss-ant kingdom, with its hippies and its graffiti, is MY fucking piss-ant kingdom!”
Francis paid a visit to Nort, seeking advice on parenting. Francis explained that his son, the reborn Magic Jones, was the embodiment of all evil, and Francis was concerned that he had failed as a parent. Nort replied that he had a lot of experience in this field: in his travels, he had fathered 62 children, and he loved every one of them (even if he couldn’t remember all their names). Nort explained what being a father was all about:
NORT: “It’s not about being there…it’s about being there AFTER the fact, so you can tell them what they did wrong.”
Eileve was gathering firewood when Magic Jones materialized beside him. Eileve asked his son why he had gone down the path of evil…but then he admitted that he respected Jones for choosing his own path and not simply following in his shadow.
EILEVE: “Whatever happens, know that I love you.”
JONES: “And whatever happens to you, know that I warned you.”
Baron Üterrüs was stocking the shelves at Linens Und Thïngs when Chambliss Tucker entered. The Baron was shocked to see her alive again, and told her how much he had missed her. (“The fact that I killed you does not diminish how sad I was!”) He explained that she was the one good thing in his life, the one thing that might make him turn away from evil. Chambliss replied that she couldn’t be with him because she needed a man who was already good. Üterrüs warned her that, by rejecting him, she had doomed the entire world.
King Plough, Francis, Eileve and Nort were girding their loins for battle. (“Most of the time, evil goes for the loins.”) Plough provided Eileve with a pie-plate to protect his loin area, but he didn’t have one for Nort. Eileve offered to shield Nort’s area with his hand. In preparation for the battle, King Plough removed his crown. (“I only take this crown off for two reasons…making love and kicking ass. And I’m ready to kick some ass.”)
Watching the heroes through their crystal ball, Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs mocked their pie-plate loin-guards. Üterrüs declared that he would eat those pie-plates…in a cannibalistic sense, nothing gay. The Baron then showed Jones a surprise…he unlocked a chamber and revealed Chambliss Tucker chained to the wall. Üterrüs explained that he had harnessed Chambliss to his secret weapon, the Destroyanator. Suddenly, Chambliss announced that she needed to pee. Üterrüs obligingly released her and let her find her own way to the bathroom.
King Plough and Francis were standing guard outside the castle. Francis informed Plough that he was armed with the most powerful weapon ever devised by the Rock People. (“A weapon so powerful, it can kill…things that are slightly less powerful.”)
Eileve and Nort were attacked by a giant purple worm. Nort froze, but then remembered King Plough’s advice and bit his tongue. Driven into a berserker frenzy by the taste of blood, Nort rushed into the fray and lay a savage beatdown on the worm. Nort and the worm disappeared from view. When all was quiet, Eileve was dismayed by Nort’s failure to return.
Chambliss had locked herself in a tower to escape Üterrüs’ clutches. Üterrüs pounded on the door and demanded that she come out. Chambliss offered to marry him if he’d call off the war. Üterrüs accepted her offer.
Francis of the Rock People saw Magic Jones approaching, riding on the back of an orc. As the father and son faced off, Jones’ orc attacked, but Francis quickly stabbed it and returned to his discussion with Jones. Jones acknowledged that he had been a bad son. Suddenly, the orc attacked again, and Francis clobbered it yet again. Jones and Francis drew their weapons for a final duel; Jones removed the crystal ball from his staff, and Francis pulled out a rock (“the most powerful weapon my people have”).
King Plough was in the midst of battle when Eileve rushed up and informed him that Nort had been slain fighting the giant worm. Eileve cried over his failure to protect Nort, but Plough assured him that he was not to blame. Plough presented Eileve with a golden dagger (“a sword to match your stature”) to fight the enemy. Suddenly, an orc attacked, and Eileve killed it.
Chambliss Tucker and Baron Üterrüs were going over the terms of their prenatal (or prenuptial) agreement. Üterrüs offered to make his proposal official by giving her a ring…four rings, in fact. To be more specific, four shackles to chain her to the wall. Üterrüs explained that he had been attracted to her due to her resemblance to his lost love Ilsabetta, but he could no longer put up with Chambliss’ irritating manner. Chambliss taunted the Baron by mocking his obsession with Ilsabetta. These insults so enraged Üterrüs that he prepared to activate the Destroyanator.
As Francis hurled his rock, Magic Jones’ orc rose up once again and got right in its path. The rock went through the orc’s skull and struck Magic Jones in the head. However, the orc’s interference had slowed the rock down so that it only gave Jones a shiner. Suddenly, Eileve rushed in and stabbed Jones, but in the course of the struggle, the blade went through Jones and into Eileve’s own body. Francis knelt down beside Eileve and pleaded with him to live. Amazingly, Eileve stood up, explaining that he had cast a spell of protection on himself beforehand, so he was all right. Francis and Eileve declared their love for each other.
King Plough was rushing towards the Evil Fortress of Lost Souls when the bloodied, battered Duke Nort suddenly staggered onto the battlefield. Nort explained that the worm had swallowed him, but he managed to survive, and slew the worm after he came out the other end. Plough and Nort entered the Fortress. As they cautiously made their way through, Baron Üterrüs lurked in the background, finally revealing himself by firing a poison arrow at Nort’s ass. King Plough prepared to suck out the poison.
Eileve and Francis prepared a funeral pyre for Magic Jones, and lamented their failure to raise their son well. They resolved to raise their next child properly…and promised to try conceiving as often as possible.
Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss Tucker (still chained in the Destroyanator) were getting some marital counseling from the ghost of Magic Jones. Jones suggested that they should go on vacation together and get away from it all. The Baron offered Chambliss one last chance to save her own life by coming with him. When she rejected him once more, he pulled the lever to activate the Destroyanator. Suddenly, King Plough and Duke Nort burst in. Plough reversed the lever, but Üterrüs laughed that the machine could only be stopped by destroying its creator. Plough saw Chambliss chained to the device…and nothing makes him angry like seeing a damsel in distress. As Eileve and Francis rushed in, Plough and Üterrüs began a mighty swordfight, which ended with Plough knocking the Dual Sword of Destiny from Üterrüs’ grasp. Nort seized the sword and lunged at the Baron, but accidentally stabbed King Plough instead. As Üterrüs gloated over Plough’s mortal wound, Nort raised the sword once more and slashed Üterrüs’ throat. As he collapsed, Üterrüs thanked Nort for freeing him from his endless unliving existence, but warned him that “evil never dies.” Chambliss proved him wrong by stabbing him in the ass. With Baron Üterrüs finally vanquished, everybody turned their attention to the dying King Plough. As Eileve knelt beside Plough, the King told his grandson that he must now inherit Plough’s throne, crown, and most importantly, his mustache. After peeling off his mustache and passing it to Eileve, Plough declared “I can see the unicorns coming for me!” With that, the King died.
CHAMBLISS: “The room just got so cold!”
KING EILEVE: “I’ve got a good feeling things are going to get warmer.”
THE END
Showing posts with label nort. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nort. Show all posts
Friday, January 16, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Season 6, Episode 21: The St. Valentine's Day Massacre
Episode 21: The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
Francis of the Rock People was in his cave, admiring the new mechanical hand that Aquilius had fitted to his arm. The peasant Nort entered carrying the legendary magical book, the Negronomicon. Nort believe that the book held the solution to the problem of what to do with Eileve’s baby. They realized that they should both be by Eileve’s side at this crucial time, and rushed off.
Baron Üterrüs was admiring himself in the Magic Mirror. He told the Mirror that he no longer needed it to foresee the future…he KNEW that he was destined to conquer Ye Little Points of Five. However, he did have one question (which he asked in a song): What could he conquer next? The Mirror answered in an ’80s power ballad.
Aquilius, the scantily-clad King of the Sea, was admiring his physique when King Plough rushed in, demanding hot water to help deliver Eileve’s baby. Before he complied, Aquilius had a surprise for him…he had completed the mechanical arm King Plough had requested. Aquilius boasted that he had to go to the land of the Fleugelflegehibben and slay three enchanted beasts to gather the materials for it. Suddenly, he noticed that King Plough’s own arm had been reattached, so all his work had been for nothing. Plough apologized for not telling him about his arm’s restoration, and thanked Aquilius for his hard, if unnecessary, work. Plough remembered that he had come to get help for Eileve. Aquilius grabbed his magical hammer to assist with the delivery.
Alone and in labor, Eileve gave a heartfelt monologue in which he remembered his own birth, just 8 weeks ago. He realized that he couldn’t sacrifice his child to defeat Baron Üterrüs, because the principles of family and love were more important than the fate of the kingdom. Francis and Nort rushed in, followed shortly by King Plough and Aquilius. Nort read a spell to ease the delivery, while Aquilius prepared to force the baby out with his hammer. The lights went down as Aquilius struck his blow, and when the lights came back up, the child had emerged…a fully-grown Magic Jones, reborn!
Baron Üterrüs was plotting atop Skank Mountain, boasting that the only man who could have defeated him, Magic Jones, was now dead. Suddenly, Magic Jones materialized at his side. Jones informed Üterrüs that he had been reborn from a man…a loophole in the prophecy that no man born of woman could defeat the Baron. Jones surprised the Baron by asking to join him in his conquest. Together, they could remake the world into BaronÜterrüsLand.
Aquilius and the Magic Mirror set out to apologize to the Fluegelflegehibben. The Mirror sensed that Aquilius had more on his mind, and Aquilius explained that his he was grieving for his daughter Guinevere, who had been murdered by Baron Üterrüs. Aquilius announced that he was fed up with all the elaborate plots involving magic books and pregnant men, and that somebody should just go ahead and kill Üterrüs. Aquilius broke down in tears, and the Mirror comforted him.
King Plough was admiring the weapons in his armory. He wondered why, when he had such an assortment of arms, he carried such a short sword. (“Am I trying to under-compensate for something?”) Nort came in, begging for change. Plough told Nort that such panhandling was beneath him, and that he had the potential for greatness inside him. To help Nort better himself, the King made him a Duke.
Eileve and Francis were trying to adjust to life as new parents. Eileve was concerned about Magic Jones’ rushing off immediately after his rebirth, not to mention the fact that he now dressed all in black. Eileve worried that their son was rebelling already. Magic Jones arrived, and Eileve suddenly noticed that the crystal ball in Jones’ staff still contained a vision of the conquered BaronÜterrüsLand. Jones realized that his secret was out, and that he would now have to kill his parents to protect it. As Jones grasped Eileve’s neck, Francis punched Jones in the face.
Baron Üterrüs was tending his store when Aquilius arrived. He declared that he was going to destroy the Dual Sword of Destiny with the same hammer with which it was forged…the Sacred Hammer of Ghalegaar. Üterrüs and Aquilius engaged in a fierce slow-motion battle, which ended when Üterrüs smashed Aquilius’ back over his knee. The mortally injured Aquilius uttered one last enchantment to send his hammer to King Plough’s hands, before Üterrüs killed him with his “soul kiss.”
Magic Jones visited the Magic Mirror, which had been his friend ever since Jones’ first childhood, when all the other young wizards shunned Jones for his bad complexion. The Mirror remembered his own prior existence, when a witch cursed him and transformed him into a mirror. Jones assured the Mirror that he could return to his old self simply by shedding his frame. Puzzled, the Mirror lowered his frame, revealing a man in a hooded sweatshirt behind it. Jones explained that he had restored the Mirror’s humanity as one last favor before he killed him. The Mirror pleaded for his life, and Jones took pity and offered him a chance to run away. The Mirror ran away.
Duke Nort was singing about his good fortune when Eileve walked by. Nort lamented that he didn’t know what to do now that he was no longer a bum. Eileve assured Nort that he was never a bum; he always had strength & goodness inside, but was held back by his own lack of confidence. Eileve realized that he himself was also being held back by his obsession with living up to his late father Kalgon…he had even been wearing Kalgon’s hair as a wig. Eileve shed Kalgon’s wig and vest. As Eileve disrobed, Nort started sticking shekels down his shorts.
Francis was alone in his cave when the former Magic Mirror rushed in. The Mirror explained that Jones had gone over to the dark side and joined Baron Üterrüs. Although he was no longer a mirror, the Mirror still had his gifts of foresight, and planned to use them against the Baron. Francis assured the Mirror that he would fight by his side.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs had just ripped off Aquilius’ head when King Plough burst in with the Hammer of Ghalegaar. Suddenly, Aquilius’ penis began speaking from underneath his loincloth. Aquilius’ penis told Plough that he had no chance by himself, but could only defeat Üterrüs by gathering the Army of Four. Disgusted by the spectacle, the Baron cut off Aquilius’ penis. In honor of its memory, Plough promised to rename the Army of Four the Army of Foreskin. As King Plough rushed out, Francis and the former Mirror ran in. Üterrüs informed the Mirror that he no longer needed it, since Magic Jones was now giving him all his advice and plans. The Mirror asked Üterrüs to think of his love, Chambliss Tucker. The Mirror explained that, although Chambliss may be gone, her goodness still existed in the world…but it wouldn’t if Magic Jones had his way. Üterrüs suddenly realized that Magic Jones was using him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Francis of the Rock People was in his cave, admiring the new mechanical hand that Aquilius had fitted to his arm. The peasant Nort entered carrying the legendary magical book, the Negronomicon. Nort believe that the book held the solution to the problem of what to do with Eileve’s baby. They realized that they should both be by Eileve’s side at this crucial time, and rushed off.
Baron Üterrüs was admiring himself in the Magic Mirror. He told the Mirror that he no longer needed it to foresee the future…he KNEW that he was destined to conquer Ye Little Points of Five. However, he did have one question (which he asked in a song): What could he conquer next? The Mirror answered in an ’80s power ballad.
Aquilius, the scantily-clad King of the Sea, was admiring his physique when King Plough rushed in, demanding hot water to help deliver Eileve’s baby. Before he complied, Aquilius had a surprise for him…he had completed the mechanical arm King Plough had requested. Aquilius boasted that he had to go to the land of the Fleugelflegehibben and slay three enchanted beasts to gather the materials for it. Suddenly, he noticed that King Plough’s own arm had been reattached, so all his work had been for nothing. Plough apologized for not telling him about his arm’s restoration, and thanked Aquilius for his hard, if unnecessary, work. Plough remembered that he had come to get help for Eileve. Aquilius grabbed his magical hammer to assist with the delivery.
Alone and in labor, Eileve gave a heartfelt monologue in which he remembered his own birth, just 8 weeks ago. He realized that he couldn’t sacrifice his child to defeat Baron Üterrüs, because the principles of family and love were more important than the fate of the kingdom. Francis and Nort rushed in, followed shortly by King Plough and Aquilius. Nort read a spell to ease the delivery, while Aquilius prepared to force the baby out with his hammer. The lights went down as Aquilius struck his blow, and when the lights came back up, the child had emerged…a fully-grown Magic Jones, reborn!
Baron Üterrüs was plotting atop Skank Mountain, boasting that the only man who could have defeated him, Magic Jones, was now dead. Suddenly, Magic Jones materialized at his side. Jones informed Üterrüs that he had been reborn from a man…a loophole in the prophecy that no man born of woman could defeat the Baron. Jones surprised the Baron by asking to join him in his conquest. Together, they could remake the world into BaronÜterrüsLand.
Aquilius and the Magic Mirror set out to apologize to the Fluegelflegehibben. The Mirror sensed that Aquilius had more on his mind, and Aquilius explained that his he was grieving for his daughter Guinevere, who had been murdered by Baron Üterrüs. Aquilius announced that he was fed up with all the elaborate plots involving magic books and pregnant men, and that somebody should just go ahead and kill Üterrüs. Aquilius broke down in tears, and the Mirror comforted him.
King Plough was admiring the weapons in his armory. He wondered why, when he had such an assortment of arms, he carried such a short sword. (“Am I trying to under-compensate for something?”) Nort came in, begging for change. Plough told Nort that such panhandling was beneath him, and that he had the potential for greatness inside him. To help Nort better himself, the King made him a Duke.
Eileve and Francis were trying to adjust to life as new parents. Eileve was concerned about Magic Jones’ rushing off immediately after his rebirth, not to mention the fact that he now dressed all in black. Eileve worried that their son was rebelling already. Magic Jones arrived, and Eileve suddenly noticed that the crystal ball in Jones’ staff still contained a vision of the conquered BaronÜterrüsLand. Jones realized that his secret was out, and that he would now have to kill his parents to protect it. As Jones grasped Eileve’s neck, Francis punched Jones in the face.
Baron Üterrüs was tending his store when Aquilius arrived. He declared that he was going to destroy the Dual Sword of Destiny with the same hammer with which it was forged…the Sacred Hammer of Ghalegaar. Üterrüs and Aquilius engaged in a fierce slow-motion battle, which ended when Üterrüs smashed Aquilius’ back over his knee. The mortally injured Aquilius uttered one last enchantment to send his hammer to King Plough’s hands, before Üterrüs killed him with his “soul kiss.”
Magic Jones visited the Magic Mirror, which had been his friend ever since Jones’ first childhood, when all the other young wizards shunned Jones for his bad complexion. The Mirror remembered his own prior existence, when a witch cursed him and transformed him into a mirror. Jones assured the Mirror that he could return to his old self simply by shedding his frame. Puzzled, the Mirror lowered his frame, revealing a man in a hooded sweatshirt behind it. Jones explained that he had restored the Mirror’s humanity as one last favor before he killed him. The Mirror pleaded for his life, and Jones took pity and offered him a chance to run away. The Mirror ran away.
Duke Nort was singing about his good fortune when Eileve walked by. Nort lamented that he didn’t know what to do now that he was no longer a bum. Eileve assured Nort that he was never a bum; he always had strength & goodness inside, but was held back by his own lack of confidence. Eileve realized that he himself was also being held back by his obsession with living up to his late father Kalgon…he had even been wearing Kalgon’s hair as a wig. Eileve shed Kalgon’s wig and vest. As Eileve disrobed, Nort started sticking shekels down his shorts.
Francis was alone in his cave when the former Magic Mirror rushed in. The Mirror explained that Jones had gone over to the dark side and joined Baron Üterrüs. Although he was no longer a mirror, the Mirror still had his gifts of foresight, and planned to use them against the Baron. Francis assured the Mirror that he would fight by his side.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs had just ripped off Aquilius’ head when King Plough burst in with the Hammer of Ghalegaar. Suddenly, Aquilius’ penis began speaking from underneath his loincloth. Aquilius’ penis told Plough that he had no chance by himself, but could only defeat Üterrüs by gathering the Army of Four. Disgusted by the spectacle, the Baron cut off Aquilius’ penis. In honor of its memory, Plough promised to rename the Army of Four the Army of Foreskin. As King Plough rushed out, Francis and the former Mirror ran in. Üterrüs informed the Mirror that he no longer needed it, since Magic Jones was now giving him all his advice and plans. The Mirror asked Üterrüs to think of his love, Chambliss Tucker. The Mirror explained that, although Chambliss may be gone, her goodness still existed in the world…but it wouldn’t if Magic Jones had his way. Üterrüs suddenly realized that Magic Jones was using him.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Season 6, Episode 20: The Age of Aquilius
Episode 20: The Age of Aquilius
At the Slop Bucket, Eileve had an important revelation for King Plough. Eileve explained that, after he and Chambliss Tucker magically swapped genitals, Eileve became pregnant. What’s more, when Chambliss died, their parts switched back…so now, Eileve would have to deliver his baby through his penis. However, Eileve saw a solution. Using his magical powers, he could take the new life inside him and transfer it to someone unliving…in other words, they could change Baron Üterrüs from an undead lich into a living man, and then kill him. King Plough didn’t like the idea of sacrificing Eileve’s unborn child, even to defeat Üterrüs.
Francis of the Rock People was out in the forest when Friar Kack arrived with terrible news: the people of Kack Island had been wiped out by Baron Üterrüs. Kack pleaded with Francis to protect him…and also to set him up with a woman so that the Kack race could continue.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs was slashing prices for his End of Civilization Sale. He gloated about slaughtering the Kacks and stealing the mystical eye of the Dragon God, Püff DeMagik. The peasant Nort entered, and Üterrüs recognized him. Many years past, the Baron explained, he was passing through a village when he encountered a child with great powers of insight. Üterrüs then killed the child’s parents so that the tragedy would make his power even stronger. Using his powers, the vengeful Nort learned the only thing that could destroy the Baron was the legendary Book of Black Souls…the Negronomicon. Üterrüs laughed that no mortal could retrieve the book.
Searching through a cornfield, Eileve encountered the talking Magic Mirror. Eileve explained his dilemma, having to choose between his child’s life and saving the entire kingdom. The Mirror informed him that “The answer is within yourself.”
Francis encountered Tarquin the Gangly, who had degenerated into a rotting zombie after being stabbed by King Plough. Tarquin was puzzled by Francis’ horrified reaction, so Francis showed him a shiny shield so he could see his reflection. Aghast, Tarquin sought advice by contacting the spirit of his father, Magic Jones, but only got a spiritual answering machine.
King Plough was taking inventory of the castle’s weapons rack when he was visited by Aquilius, the barely-clad King of the Sea. Aquilius explained that his daughter Guinevere had come to the surface to retrieve the Dual Sword of Destiny, but when she failed to return, he left the sea to search for her. He found his daughter dead, and no sign of the sword. Plough and Aquilius agreed to join forces and find the sword. Aquilius vowed to destroy the sword with the very hammer he used to forge it. Hearing of Aquilius’ prowess as a smith, Plough asked him to forge a mechanical arm to replace his missing limb.
Walking down the street, Baron Üterrüs met the last remaining Friar Kack and casually killed him.
Nort and Tarquin ran into each other in the cornfield while searching for the Magic Mirror. Nort explained that he needed to go to the 10th level of Hades in order to find the Negronomicon. The Mirror told him that Hades was right in front of his face. Nort and Tarquin looked down and saw the Golden Road to Hell. They joined hands and sang a merry song as they followed the Golden Road. When they arrived at the 10th level, they were greeted by the spirit of Friar Kack, who had been placed in charge of the Negronomicon. Kack offered them a choice of three books: A large bound volume, a clipped-together stack of papers, or a 3x5 index card. If they chose the wrong book, their souls were lost forever. Tarquin contacted the spirit of Magic Jones, who told him “Bigger is better.” They chose the big book, which was indeed the Negronomicon. Friar Kack stamped the enchanted book and told them to bring it back by the 12th.
Eileve was mopping up in the Slop Bucket when Francis came in. Francis told Eileve how much he was looking forward to the birth of their child, but Eileve explained that he was going to sacrifice it to save the kingdom. Francis was stunned. Eileve assured him that the baby would want what was best for everybody…which meant kicking Baron Üterrüs’ ass.
King Plough brought the Magic Mirror to the castle and hung it on the wall. Plough asked if he had what it took to reclaim his throne…and if there were a spell to make his penis bigger.
Aquilius was hammering away at his anvil when Baron Üterrüs entered. Aquilius pointed out that his great-grandfather Kriembak had defeated Üterrüs once before, but the Baron retorted that he returned, slew Kriembak, then made a pun of his name by creaming on his back. The Baron boasted that “in the real world, the bad guys usually win.”
Eileve paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse and explained his situation. Learning that Eileve had inherited some of Magic Jones’ essence and powers, Tarquin asked if Eileve could de-zombify him. Eileve noticed that Tarquin had been gnawing on a human arm…which he recognized as King Plough’s missing limb.
Nort went to Linens Und Thïngs carrying the Negronomicon. Baron Üterrüs pointed out that, since the book was the one thing that could destroy him, bringing it to his headquarters was a very foolish decision indeed.
NORT: “I’m not an educated man…and I’m drunk.”
Nort lamented that he had screwed up once again. The Baron offered him a chance to prove himself on the side of evil. Üterrüs was so confident that Nort would join him that he left the book in Nort’s possession while he considered the offer.
Francis stopped by the workshop and admired Aquilius’ handiwork. Aquilius demonstrated the artificial arm he had created by attaching it to Francis. Francis was thrilled by the experience of having an opposable thumb instead of just a stone fist. Francis asked to keep the arm, but Aquilius replied that it was intended for King Plough. Suddenly, Francis noticed that Aquilius had made a right arm, whereas Plough was missing his left.
King Plough was drinking and reminiscing with the Magic Mirror when Eileve rushed in carrying Plough’s severed arm. Before Eileve could explain, his water broke. Plough rushed to his grandson’s side, but he couldn’t do anything with just one arm. Despite the agonizing labor pains, Eileve managed to cast the spell to restore Plough’s arm. Whole once again, King Plough prepared to deliver the baby.
TO BE CONTINUED…
At the Slop Bucket, Eileve had an important revelation for King Plough. Eileve explained that, after he and Chambliss Tucker magically swapped genitals, Eileve became pregnant. What’s more, when Chambliss died, their parts switched back…so now, Eileve would have to deliver his baby through his penis. However, Eileve saw a solution. Using his magical powers, he could take the new life inside him and transfer it to someone unliving…in other words, they could change Baron Üterrüs from an undead lich into a living man, and then kill him. King Plough didn’t like the idea of sacrificing Eileve’s unborn child, even to defeat Üterrüs.
Francis of the Rock People was out in the forest when Friar Kack arrived with terrible news: the people of Kack Island had been wiped out by Baron Üterrüs. Kack pleaded with Francis to protect him…and also to set him up with a woman so that the Kack race could continue.
At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs was slashing prices for his End of Civilization Sale. He gloated about slaughtering the Kacks and stealing the mystical eye of the Dragon God, Püff DeMagik. The peasant Nort entered, and Üterrüs recognized him. Many years past, the Baron explained, he was passing through a village when he encountered a child with great powers of insight. Üterrüs then killed the child’s parents so that the tragedy would make his power even stronger. Using his powers, the vengeful Nort learned the only thing that could destroy the Baron was the legendary Book of Black Souls…the Negronomicon. Üterrüs laughed that no mortal could retrieve the book.
Searching through a cornfield, Eileve encountered the talking Magic Mirror. Eileve explained his dilemma, having to choose between his child’s life and saving the entire kingdom. The Mirror informed him that “The answer is within yourself.”
Francis encountered Tarquin the Gangly, who had degenerated into a rotting zombie after being stabbed by King Plough. Tarquin was puzzled by Francis’ horrified reaction, so Francis showed him a shiny shield so he could see his reflection. Aghast, Tarquin sought advice by contacting the spirit of his father, Magic Jones, but only got a spiritual answering machine.
King Plough was taking inventory of the castle’s weapons rack when he was visited by Aquilius, the barely-clad King of the Sea. Aquilius explained that his daughter Guinevere had come to the surface to retrieve the Dual Sword of Destiny, but when she failed to return, he left the sea to search for her. He found his daughter dead, and no sign of the sword. Plough and Aquilius agreed to join forces and find the sword. Aquilius vowed to destroy the sword with the very hammer he used to forge it. Hearing of Aquilius’ prowess as a smith, Plough asked him to forge a mechanical arm to replace his missing limb.
Walking down the street, Baron Üterrüs met the last remaining Friar Kack and casually killed him.
Nort and Tarquin ran into each other in the cornfield while searching for the Magic Mirror. Nort explained that he needed to go to the 10th level of Hades in order to find the Negronomicon. The Mirror told him that Hades was right in front of his face. Nort and Tarquin looked down and saw the Golden Road to Hell. They joined hands and sang a merry song as they followed the Golden Road. When they arrived at the 10th level, they were greeted by the spirit of Friar Kack, who had been placed in charge of the Negronomicon. Kack offered them a choice of three books: A large bound volume, a clipped-together stack of papers, or a 3x5 index card. If they chose the wrong book, their souls were lost forever. Tarquin contacted the spirit of Magic Jones, who told him “Bigger is better.” They chose the big book, which was indeed the Negronomicon. Friar Kack stamped the enchanted book and told them to bring it back by the 12th.
Eileve was mopping up in the Slop Bucket when Francis came in. Francis told Eileve how much he was looking forward to the birth of their child, but Eileve explained that he was going to sacrifice it to save the kingdom. Francis was stunned. Eileve assured him that the baby would want what was best for everybody…which meant kicking Baron Üterrüs’ ass.
King Plough brought the Magic Mirror to the castle and hung it on the wall. Plough asked if he had what it took to reclaim his throne…and if there were a spell to make his penis bigger.
Aquilius was hammering away at his anvil when Baron Üterrüs entered. Aquilius pointed out that his great-grandfather Kriembak had defeated Üterrüs once before, but the Baron retorted that he returned, slew Kriembak, then made a pun of his name by creaming on his back. The Baron boasted that “in the real world, the bad guys usually win.”
Eileve paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse and explained his situation. Learning that Eileve had inherited some of Magic Jones’ essence and powers, Tarquin asked if Eileve could de-zombify him. Eileve noticed that Tarquin had been gnawing on a human arm…which he recognized as King Plough’s missing limb.
Nort went to Linens Und Thïngs carrying the Negronomicon. Baron Üterrüs pointed out that, since the book was the one thing that could destroy him, bringing it to his headquarters was a very foolish decision indeed.
NORT: “I’m not an educated man…and I’m drunk.”
Nort lamented that he had screwed up once again. The Baron offered him a chance to prove himself on the side of evil. Üterrüs was so confident that Nort would join him that he left the book in Nort’s possession while he considered the offer.
Francis stopped by the workshop and admired Aquilius’ handiwork. Aquilius demonstrated the artificial arm he had created by attaching it to Francis. Francis was thrilled by the experience of having an opposable thumb instead of just a stone fist. Francis asked to keep the arm, but Aquilius replied that it was intended for King Plough. Suddenly, Francis noticed that Aquilius had made a right arm, whereas Plough was missing his left.
King Plough was drinking and reminiscing with the Magic Mirror when Eileve rushed in carrying Plough’s severed arm. Before Eileve could explain, his water broke. Plough rushed to his grandson’s side, but he couldn’t do anything with just one arm. Despite the agonizing labor pains, Eileve managed to cast the spell to restore Plough’s arm. Whole once again, King Plough prepared to deliver the baby.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Season 6, Episode 19: Everybody Dies...Yet Again
Episode 19: Everybody Dies…Yet Again
Chambliss Tucker met her son Eileve at the Slop Bucket. Eileve observed that Chambliss was more preoccupied with ordering the soup than with the fact that he had saved her by reuniting her head with her body. Chambliss explained that she appreciated his effort, but that the spell had changed something else about her body…she now had a penis. Eileve was horrified to learn that his spell had gone wrong. He checked himself and discovered that he now had a vagina.
After a friendly game of basketsphere with Francis of the Rock People, King Plough complained that, having lost an eye and an arm, he now felt like less than a man. Francis told Plough that Eileve was learning the ways of white magic, and might be able to heal Plough. However, since Eileve was still learning, there might be great danger.
PLOUGH: “Danger is my middle name.”
FRANCIS: “I thought it was Yancy.”
PLOUGH: “You got me.”
Atop Skank Mountain, Baron Üterrüs was giving instructions to his new apprentice, Tarquin the Gangly. He told Tarquin to go back to his treehouse and fetch King Plough’s throne, then divest Plough of his kingly garments and dress him as a peasant, and finally chain him in the dungeon. As Tarquin left, the voice of his late father, Magic Jones, suddenly spoke through him. Jones asked Tarquin to set off the bag of explosives he had left in Üterrüs’ shop.
Chambliss returned to her Lincoln Navigator and found Francis waiting for her. She sat back and started talking sports. Francis could tell she was hiding something. She was reluctant to reveal her secret, but finally sang him a song about her new penis.
King Plough paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Since he had lost his sword, Plough wanted Tarquin to instruct him in the elfin art of archery. Tarquin told him that, in order to learn the bow and arrow, he would need to dress as a peasant and be shackled in a dungeon. Plough accepted Tarquin’s instructions.
Eileve went to Linens Und Thïngs to buy some gingham. As he entered, Baron Üterrüs was puzzled to sense the presence of the god Menstratus. Eileve explained that he had magically swapped genitals with Chambliss, and that he needed some advice. Now that Eileve was female, he was considering a relationship with the one person in town he wasn’t related to…Francis of the Rock People.
Francis was walking through the village when he met a strange peasant, who introduced himself as Nort. When Francis told him about the evil afoot in the kingdom, Nort replied that he had sensed it. Nort explained that he knew all and could foresee the future, although his “prophecy” for Francis was so vague, it could apply to anyone. Nort told Francis that Üterrüs’ power was weakening, and that he knew how to defeat him.
King Plough was waiting without pants in the Dungeon of Filth, wondering when Tarquin would come back to continue the archery lesson. Feeling vulnerable and alone, he concluded that this must be a lesson to teach him the meaning of being a king…he must rely on himself, not hide behind armor and weapons. Suddenly, Baron Üterrüs entered holding the Dual Sword of Destiny. The Baron informed Plough that he had reclaimed what was his…and now had only to take one last thing: Plough’s boxer shorts.
Nort told Eileve and Francis that the secret to defeating Baron Üterrüs was “Simply love.” Taking this as a cue, Eileve asked Francis to be the father of his child. When Francis didn’t understand, Eileve explained that he was now a woman. Francis paused to consider the matter, then immediately agreed.
Tarquin went to the castle and found Chambliss admiring the weapons rack, picking out the most manly bow. She asked where King Plough was, and Tarquin told her that he was in the dungeon. Tarquin suggested that she might want to take her bow and arrows and shoot Plough. He assured her that they were enchanted elfin arrows that wouldn’t actually hurt the king, but would be an amusing practical joke.
Nort released King Plough from the dungeon. Plough told Nort that he needed a weapon to fight Üterrüs, and Nort handed him a feather. (“They do say that the pen is mightier than the sword.”) Impressed by Nort’s wisdom, Plough offered to make the peasant a Duke, or an Earl, or maybe even the Duke of Earl.
Francis and Eileve were engaging in some pillow talk after their encounter. Francis was concerned that things would be weird between them now. They assured each other that this didn’t mean that they were gay, and that they would go back to their old friendship once Eileve got his penis back. Eileve told Francis that soon there would be a new rock person to carry on their line.
FRANCIS: “Not just a rock person, but a rock person/lich person/thief person/elf person/cheetah person/regular person person.”
Chambliss and Baron Üterrüs were walking through the park. The Baron informed her that he had deposed King Plough. If she still wanted to be queen, she would have to marry him. Chambliss refused, having finally had enough of his evil ways. He gave her a choice…be his queen or die. She told him to go ahead and kill her. When he hesitated, she told him to give her the sword. He gave it to her…blade-first.
King Plough and Nort burst into Tarquin’s treehouse. Plough attempted to stab Tarquin with the feather, with less than effective results. Tarquin drew his invisible sword Soulcrusher X and mocked the unarmed Plough. Suddenly, Plough reached behind his back and pulled out a gold dagger, which he had been keeping up his ass ever since he and the dagger’s owner had been prisoners together in Chietnam. Plough lifted his shirt and flashed Tarquin, then stabbed him while he was distracted.
The badly wounded Chambliss was lying in her Lincoln Navigator when Eileve rushed in. Shocked to find his mother in this state, he told her that she had to live to see the birth of her grandchild. He asked who had done this to her, but she “didn’t want to point fingers at anybody tall and evil.” She asked to be buried in the Navigator. Eileve agreed, and she fell silent. Eileve covered her face with Plough’s boxer shorts.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Chambliss Tucker met her son Eileve at the Slop Bucket. Eileve observed that Chambliss was more preoccupied with ordering the soup than with the fact that he had saved her by reuniting her head with her body. Chambliss explained that she appreciated his effort, but that the spell had changed something else about her body…she now had a penis. Eileve was horrified to learn that his spell had gone wrong. He checked himself and discovered that he now had a vagina.
After a friendly game of basketsphere with Francis of the Rock People, King Plough complained that, having lost an eye and an arm, he now felt like less than a man. Francis told Plough that Eileve was learning the ways of white magic, and might be able to heal Plough. However, since Eileve was still learning, there might be great danger.
PLOUGH: “Danger is my middle name.”
FRANCIS: “I thought it was Yancy.”
PLOUGH: “You got me.”
Atop Skank Mountain, Baron Üterrüs was giving instructions to his new apprentice, Tarquin the Gangly. He told Tarquin to go back to his treehouse and fetch King Plough’s throne, then divest Plough of his kingly garments and dress him as a peasant, and finally chain him in the dungeon. As Tarquin left, the voice of his late father, Magic Jones, suddenly spoke through him. Jones asked Tarquin to set off the bag of explosives he had left in Üterrüs’ shop.
Chambliss returned to her Lincoln Navigator and found Francis waiting for her. She sat back and started talking sports. Francis could tell she was hiding something. She was reluctant to reveal her secret, but finally sang him a song about her new penis.
King Plough paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Since he had lost his sword, Plough wanted Tarquin to instruct him in the elfin art of archery. Tarquin told him that, in order to learn the bow and arrow, he would need to dress as a peasant and be shackled in a dungeon. Plough accepted Tarquin’s instructions.
Eileve went to Linens Und Thïngs to buy some gingham. As he entered, Baron Üterrüs was puzzled to sense the presence of the god Menstratus. Eileve explained that he had magically swapped genitals with Chambliss, and that he needed some advice. Now that Eileve was female, he was considering a relationship with the one person in town he wasn’t related to…Francis of the Rock People.
Francis was walking through the village when he met a strange peasant, who introduced himself as Nort. When Francis told him about the evil afoot in the kingdom, Nort replied that he had sensed it. Nort explained that he knew all and could foresee the future, although his “prophecy” for Francis was so vague, it could apply to anyone. Nort told Francis that Üterrüs’ power was weakening, and that he knew how to defeat him.
King Plough was waiting without pants in the Dungeon of Filth, wondering when Tarquin would come back to continue the archery lesson. Feeling vulnerable and alone, he concluded that this must be a lesson to teach him the meaning of being a king…he must rely on himself, not hide behind armor and weapons. Suddenly, Baron Üterrüs entered holding the Dual Sword of Destiny. The Baron informed Plough that he had reclaimed what was his…and now had only to take one last thing: Plough’s boxer shorts.
Nort told Eileve and Francis that the secret to defeating Baron Üterrüs was “Simply love.” Taking this as a cue, Eileve asked Francis to be the father of his child. When Francis didn’t understand, Eileve explained that he was now a woman. Francis paused to consider the matter, then immediately agreed.
Tarquin went to the castle and found Chambliss admiring the weapons rack, picking out the most manly bow. She asked where King Plough was, and Tarquin told her that he was in the dungeon. Tarquin suggested that she might want to take her bow and arrows and shoot Plough. He assured her that they were enchanted elfin arrows that wouldn’t actually hurt the king, but would be an amusing practical joke.
Nort released King Plough from the dungeon. Plough told Nort that he needed a weapon to fight Üterrüs, and Nort handed him a feather. (“They do say that the pen is mightier than the sword.”) Impressed by Nort’s wisdom, Plough offered to make the peasant a Duke, or an Earl, or maybe even the Duke of Earl.
Francis and Eileve were engaging in some pillow talk after their encounter. Francis was concerned that things would be weird between them now. They assured each other that this didn’t mean that they were gay, and that they would go back to their old friendship once Eileve got his penis back. Eileve told Francis that soon there would be a new rock person to carry on their line.
FRANCIS: “Not just a rock person, but a rock person/lich person/thief person/elf person/cheetah person/regular person person.”
Chambliss and Baron Üterrüs were walking through the park. The Baron informed her that he had deposed King Plough. If she still wanted to be queen, she would have to marry him. Chambliss refused, having finally had enough of his evil ways. He gave her a choice…be his queen or die. She told him to go ahead and kill her. When he hesitated, she told him to give her the sword. He gave it to her…blade-first.
King Plough and Nort burst into Tarquin’s treehouse. Plough attempted to stab Tarquin with the feather, with less than effective results. Tarquin drew his invisible sword Soulcrusher X and mocked the unarmed Plough. Suddenly, Plough reached behind his back and pulled out a gold dagger, which he had been keeping up his ass ever since he and the dagger’s owner had been prisoners together in Chietnam. Plough lifted his shirt and flashed Tarquin, then stabbed him while he was distracted.
The badly wounded Chambliss was lying in her Lincoln Navigator when Eileve rushed in. Shocked to find his mother in this state, he told her that she had to live to see the birth of her grandchild. He asked who had done this to her, but she “didn’t want to point fingers at anybody tall and evil.” She asked to be buried in the Navigator. Eileve agreed, and she fell silent. Eileve covered her face with Plough’s boxer shorts.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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