The final episode of Season 5!
Episode 28: How the West Was Done
Brigham Young and Jesus Christ were playing horseshoes. Brigham confided that, since his old feelings for Red Clay had returned, he had begun to doubt his divine mission to found the Mormons. Jesus replied that, now that the Mormons were up and running, Brigham’s mission was complete and he was now free to follow his own path.
BRIGHAM: “So my obligation to God is done? I can be an old silly gay man here in Atlanta?”
JESUS: “There’s no better place to be an old silly gay man!”
Red Clay communed with his Chipapoo ancestors by the campfire. Red Clay explained that he was torn between his feelings for Brigham and his feelings for Constance. The spirits explained that Red Clay was “bi-curious.” Since Red Clay had both the teats of a woman and the man-root of a man, the spirits ordered him to make a choice and chop off one or the other with his tomahawk. Red Clay protested that the situation was not that simple…he wanted to love Constance as a woman, and Brigham as a man. (“Red Clay DOUBLE-gay!”) The spirits informed him that, if this is the path he must follow, they could not accompany him.
Roswell Diabolicus was playing with a few of his indestructible babies when Constance arrived. Despite their invulnerability, Constance was concerned with the way Roswell was treating them. She offered to bring them up as invincible good people. Just to get her out of the castle, Roswell agreed to let her raise two of the children her way, knowing that two indestructible good babies would be no match for his army of indestructible evil babies.
At the schoolhouse, Will McGotnuthin finished up his lesson about zebras. He then realized that he’d taught the children everything in the encyclopedia, so there was nothing left to teach them. Realizing that they now knew everything, the kids ran out, singing “School’s Out!” Madeline arrived, surprised to find Will back in town. He told her that he’d come back for her. He apologized for leaving town before, but explained that his sisters would have killed Madeline if he’d stayed.
MADELINE: “Really, Will, you think I couldn’t defend myself against three actresses?”
WILL: “It does sound kind of silly in retrospect.”
Will explained his desperation by telling Madeline the origin of his family name…they were called “McGotnuthin” because they had nothing…they were poor and Scottish. Will asked Madeline to be his committed life partner. Because he was a progressive kind of guy, he would never ask Madeline to take his name…instead, he offered to combine their names into “McGot-Clementine.” Madeline joyfully accepted, and told Will that he did indeed “got Clementine.”
Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean were hauling a deer carcass off the road, as Jean bragged that the baby army would soon be littering the streets with many more carcasses. Ass took a stand against Jean’s plans, and they sang a duet titled “You’re Either With Trapper Jean or Against Him.” When the song ended, Jean tried to persuade Ass to join him. Jean explained that they could rule together once the babies had done all the dirty work. There was no danger of the babies themselves taking over, since they had been genetically programmed with only a one-year lifespan.
JEAN: “They are replicants!”
ASS: “I’m sure that’s referrin’ to somethin’ I don’t know about.”
Red Clay took Constance to the general store, where he explained that he’d read that certain types of weed-killer can turn frogs into hermaphrodites. With that, Red Clay drank the weed-killer, so that he could become both male and female and satisfy both his lovers.
CONSTANCE: “Red Clay, I liked you the way you were!”
RED CLAY: “Oops.”
Will McGotnuthin paid a visit to Brigham Young’s new residence, the Casa de la Leisure. Brigham apologized for returning to Little One Point after promising to leave for good. They realized that they had to work together once again to fight the army of indestructible evil babies, but then Brigham would REALLY leave this time.
Roswell Diabolicus and Trapper Jean proudly surveyed the carnage their army had wrought. Roswell informed Jean that this may have been his last evil deed. Roswell was about to have a final showdown with his brother, Jesus Christ. If Roswell didn’t survive, he wanted Jean to build a monument of evil in his name…a Gap or a Wal-Mart, perhaps. Jean suggested a Starbucks as the ultimate shrine of evil.
Will McGotnuthin and Madeline Clementine prepared for their commitment ceremony. Will explained that they would seal their relationship with a blood oath. They each cut their palms and clasped hands, then sang “Joined by the Hemoglobin”…their first duet as Will and Madeline McGot-Clementine.
Red Clay went to the Casa de la Leisure, and informed Brigham that he had made a decision. Now that he was a hermaphrodite, he suggested a three-way marriage between Brigham, Red Clay, and Constance. Brigham stunned Red Clay by refusing. Brigham explained that he had divorced all 27 of his wives by sending a telegraph to Utah. Just as Brigham had forsaken all others, he needed Red Clay to be equally monogamous.
Roswell Diabolicus and Jesus Christ faced off for their showdown. They would have a duel of waters, with Jesus armed with Holy Water and Roswell armed with Unholy Water (also known as Coca-Cola). They would swig a mouthful of their respective weapons, take ten paces, turn, and spit. Before they began, Jesus apologized for not being a better brother to Roswell. Roswell appeared touched that Jesus showed compassion for him, and always looked for the good in even the most evil man…then Roswell started ranting about how much he HATED that goodness! As Roswell raved, Jesus suddenly spit a mouthful of Holy Water at Roswell. Roswell melted, leaving only his hat and beard in a heap on the ground. With Roswell defeated, Jesus called the army of indestructible babies. Jesus pulled out the Chipapoo kazoo (the instrument for which Red Clay’s people had traded their land) and called for the babies to follow him out to the sea. Jesus started playing “The Rose” as he led the army out of Little One Point.
Five years later, Brigham Young and Red Clay reflected on their turmoil-filled past, and the peaceful, happy family existence they now led.
BRIGHAM: “I’ve fathered 111 children with my 27 wives, but I never liked any of them. These I had with you…A-OK.”
As the sun set on Little One Point, Ass Masterson left us all with one final piece of wisdom. Damned if I could figure it out, though.
THE END
Showing posts with label jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jesus. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Season 5, Episode 27: Look! Up in the Sky!
Episode 27: Look! Up in the Sky!
Constance Snell turned the keys to Jed’s Saloon over to Red Clay, since she would be too busy with her new duties as mayor to run the bar. Red Clay apologized for stealing the bar away from her while he was in his guise as Titsy McJugpuddles. They had an awkward discussion about the attraction between Constance and “Titsy,” and now neither one of them was sure of their sexuality. On top of that, Red Clay informed Constance that he had gone to retrieve the treaty granting him ownership of Little One Point, but found a rude note in its place. He asked Constance to help him get the treaty back. Constance was uncertain until Red Clay made up her mind by shoving his breasts in her face.
Ass Masterson was teaching the class about the first man to climb Mt. Everest, although the lesson was disrupted by one kid’s protests about the teacher’s seatless pants. Suddenly, Will McGotnuthin returned, and the children were delighted to see their old teacher. Ass was equally overjoyed, because he’d fallen in love with Will during the McGotnuthin family’s rape & robbing spree. Will protested that the rape was just a standard part of the family’s MO, and that there wasn’t any emotional factor involved. Will then explained that they couldn’t have a future together because Will loved Ass’ sister Madeline. Ass agreed not to come between them, and took comfort in the fact that perhaps their relationship will answer his prayer to become an uncle.
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was contemplating his evil plans. (“Now that there are only two episodes left, it’s time for me to actually start DOING something!”) With Trapper Jean at his side, Roswell addressed the people of Little One Point using a giant megaphone. He informed the populace that he had fired the Rhode Island Cannon into the air, and that if his demands weren’t met, the Rhode Island-sized cannonball would come straight down upon the town in one hour. When someone asked how he would stop the cannonball if his demands WERE met, Roswell irritably explained that he would fire the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island cannonball to deflect the original shot. The evil duo then issued their terms: Constance must turn over the mayoral office to Trapper Jean, Jesus Christ must be handed over to Roswell, and the indestructible baby must be given to Jean.
Unaware of the evil goings-on, Jesus Christ and Brigham Young were organizing a bake sale. Brigham wondered whether he should get back in touch with his ex-lover Red Clay, and Jesus explained the “three days” rule of calling back. Jesus then lectured Brigham about his reckless handling of the baby (“He’s indestructible, but he still needs love!”). Suddenly, the Rhode Island cannonball blocked out the sun, and Jesus and Brigham speculated about the cause of the mysterious sudden darkness.
BRIGHAM: “There’s only one person who could do this…your brother.”
JESUS: “I have a brother?!”
Desperate to hang on to her power, Constance tried to swap clothes with Ass Masterson to fool Trapper Jean. Ass refused to participate in the foolish plan, and told Constance that if her office truly meant anything to her, she would do what was best for the town by surrendering her mayoral sash. (“This piece of paper isn’t your dream. Your dream is your dream. Dream it!”) Constance called out to Roswell that she was giving in to his demands, but she had one piece of legislation to enact before she leaves office. With that, she outlawed the Rhode Island Cannon. Roswell simply replied that now he wouldn’t be able to deflect the cannonball, but Ass protested that she HADN’T outlawed the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island Cannon.
Despite the impending doom, Brigham Young took a nap with the baby in his arms. Trapper Jean sneaked in and stole the baby, leaving a bobcat in Brigham’s arms. Brigham woke up, but Jean started singing a lullaby to him. Brigham warned Jean that only death would keep him from hunting Jean down to reclaim his son. Then Brigham fell asleep.
JEAN: “Aw, look at him…so sweet…so innocent. If I was smart, I’d shoot him in the face right now. But I scored low on my SAT’s.”
Constance held a meeting with Will McGotnuthin and Ass Masterson, trying to figure out how to foil Roswell’s plans. She realized that the only skill she had to use against them was whoring.
WILL: “Are you suggesting you go up there and sex him into submission?”
Red Clay stopped by the general store to buy moccasins, and found Brigham Young working at his old job. Brigham explained that his baby was missing, and apologized for sleeping with so many women during their separation. Brigham and Red Clay sang a tender ballad of forgiveness, then resolved to work together to retrieve Brigham’s baby.
Jesus Christ went to Castle Gayskull to meet his long-lost brother. Roswell invited Jesus in, then strapped him down to the seat. Roswell explained his life story…15 years after Jesus’ birth, Mary had a second child with her husband Joseph. The sickly infant hermaphrodite had no way of living up to his messianic half-brother, and grew up unwanted and abandoned. However, the residual divine power in his DNA made him immortal and indestructible. Jealous of Jesus, Roswell disguised himself as a Roman soldier…yes, Roswell was the one who stabbed Jesus with a spear upon the cross. Over the centuries, Roswell tried to ruin Jesus’ reputation by committing evil in his name. The Crusades? Roswell’s idea. And now, the time had come for Roswell’s greatest plan. Roswell explained that Jesus bore the words “Love” and “Love” upon his buttocks, while Roswell’s read “Hate-Hate.” Now, centuries of cross-breeding have produced indestructible beings with “Love-Hate” on their asses…the half-good, half-evil super-babies who will form Roswell’s army. Jesus questioned the usefulness of an army of morally conflicted, neutral warriors, but Roswell explained that his influence will overcome their good side. Having heard enough of Roswell’s evil plans, Jesus burst free from his bonds…and was shot repeatedly by Trapper Jean.
JEAN: “Well, we’re goin’ to Hell NOW!”
Constance and Brigham met up on the way to Castle Gayskull, and they decided to launch their attacks together. When they arrived, Roswell showed them another element of his plan…he had once again stolen Constance’s original fantastic vagina, and was using it to produce baby after baby after baby. Roswell informed them that Brigham’s son was in the “child accelerator” in the other room, and would soon emerge, grown to adulthood in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, Jesus’ voice whispered to Brigham, instructing Brigham to place Jesus’ body in the accelerator and set it to age him three days. Constance strapped Roswell and Jean into their chairs, enabling Brigham to carry out Jesus’ plan. Jesus emerged from the accelerator more powerful than ever, then flew off into the sky and destroyed the Rhode Island Cannonball.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Constance Snell turned the keys to Jed’s Saloon over to Red Clay, since she would be too busy with her new duties as mayor to run the bar. Red Clay apologized for stealing the bar away from her while he was in his guise as Titsy McJugpuddles. They had an awkward discussion about the attraction between Constance and “Titsy,” and now neither one of them was sure of their sexuality. On top of that, Red Clay informed Constance that he had gone to retrieve the treaty granting him ownership of Little One Point, but found a rude note in its place. He asked Constance to help him get the treaty back. Constance was uncertain until Red Clay made up her mind by shoving his breasts in her face.
Ass Masterson was teaching the class about the first man to climb Mt. Everest, although the lesson was disrupted by one kid’s protests about the teacher’s seatless pants. Suddenly, Will McGotnuthin returned, and the children were delighted to see their old teacher. Ass was equally overjoyed, because he’d fallen in love with Will during the McGotnuthin family’s rape & robbing spree. Will protested that the rape was just a standard part of the family’s MO, and that there wasn’t any emotional factor involved. Will then explained that they couldn’t have a future together because Will loved Ass’ sister Madeline. Ass agreed not to come between them, and took comfort in the fact that perhaps their relationship will answer his prayer to become an uncle.
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was contemplating his evil plans. (“Now that there are only two episodes left, it’s time for me to actually start DOING something!”) With Trapper Jean at his side, Roswell addressed the people of Little One Point using a giant megaphone. He informed the populace that he had fired the Rhode Island Cannon into the air, and that if his demands weren’t met, the Rhode Island-sized cannonball would come straight down upon the town in one hour. When someone asked how he would stop the cannonball if his demands WERE met, Roswell irritably explained that he would fire the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island cannonball to deflect the original shot. The evil duo then issued their terms: Constance must turn over the mayoral office to Trapper Jean, Jesus Christ must be handed over to Roswell, and the indestructible baby must be given to Jean.
Unaware of the evil goings-on, Jesus Christ and Brigham Young were organizing a bake sale. Brigham wondered whether he should get back in touch with his ex-lover Red Clay, and Jesus explained the “three days” rule of calling back. Jesus then lectured Brigham about his reckless handling of the baby (“He’s indestructible, but he still needs love!”). Suddenly, the Rhode Island cannonball blocked out the sun, and Jesus and Brigham speculated about the cause of the mysterious sudden darkness.
BRIGHAM: “There’s only one person who could do this…your brother.”
JESUS: “I have a brother?!”
Desperate to hang on to her power, Constance tried to swap clothes with Ass Masterson to fool Trapper Jean. Ass refused to participate in the foolish plan, and told Constance that if her office truly meant anything to her, she would do what was best for the town by surrendering her mayoral sash. (“This piece of paper isn’t your dream. Your dream is your dream. Dream it!”) Constance called out to Roswell that she was giving in to his demands, but she had one piece of legislation to enact before she leaves office. With that, she outlawed the Rhode Island Cannon. Roswell simply replied that now he wouldn’t be able to deflect the cannonball, but Ass protested that she HADN’T outlawed the Slightly-Larger-Than-Rhode-Island Cannon.
Despite the impending doom, Brigham Young took a nap with the baby in his arms. Trapper Jean sneaked in and stole the baby, leaving a bobcat in Brigham’s arms. Brigham woke up, but Jean started singing a lullaby to him. Brigham warned Jean that only death would keep him from hunting Jean down to reclaim his son. Then Brigham fell asleep.
JEAN: “Aw, look at him…so sweet…so innocent. If I was smart, I’d shoot him in the face right now. But I scored low on my SAT’s.”
Constance held a meeting with Will McGotnuthin and Ass Masterson, trying to figure out how to foil Roswell’s plans. She realized that the only skill she had to use against them was whoring.
WILL: “Are you suggesting you go up there and sex him into submission?”
Red Clay stopped by the general store to buy moccasins, and found Brigham Young working at his old job. Brigham explained that his baby was missing, and apologized for sleeping with so many women during their separation. Brigham and Red Clay sang a tender ballad of forgiveness, then resolved to work together to retrieve Brigham’s baby.
Jesus Christ went to Castle Gayskull to meet his long-lost brother. Roswell invited Jesus in, then strapped him down to the seat. Roswell explained his life story…15 years after Jesus’ birth, Mary had a second child with her husband Joseph. The sickly infant hermaphrodite had no way of living up to his messianic half-brother, and grew up unwanted and abandoned. However, the residual divine power in his DNA made him immortal and indestructible. Jealous of Jesus, Roswell disguised himself as a Roman soldier…yes, Roswell was the one who stabbed Jesus with a spear upon the cross. Over the centuries, Roswell tried to ruin Jesus’ reputation by committing evil in his name. The Crusades? Roswell’s idea. And now, the time had come for Roswell’s greatest plan. Roswell explained that Jesus bore the words “Love” and “Love” upon his buttocks, while Roswell’s read “Hate-Hate.” Now, centuries of cross-breeding have produced indestructible beings with “Love-Hate” on their asses…the half-good, half-evil super-babies who will form Roswell’s army. Jesus questioned the usefulness of an army of morally conflicted, neutral warriors, but Roswell explained that his influence will overcome their good side. Having heard enough of Roswell’s evil plans, Jesus burst free from his bonds…and was shot repeatedly by Trapper Jean.
JEAN: “Well, we’re goin’ to Hell NOW!”
Constance and Brigham met up on the way to Castle Gayskull, and they decided to launch their attacks together. When they arrived, Roswell showed them another element of his plan…he had once again stolen Constance’s original fantastic vagina, and was using it to produce baby after baby after baby. Roswell informed them that Brigham’s son was in the “child accelerator” in the other room, and would soon emerge, grown to adulthood in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, Jesus’ voice whispered to Brigham, instructing Brigham to place Jesus’ body in the accelerator and set it to age him three days. Constance strapped Roswell and Jean into their chairs, enabling Brigham to carry out Jesus’ plan. Jesus emerged from the accelerator more powerful than ever, then flew off into the sky and destroyed the Rhode Island Cannonball.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Monday, December 22, 2008
Season 5, Episode 26: The Wedding Package
Episode 26: The Wedding Package
Brigham Young and Titsy McJugpuddles were opening the presents at their wedding shower. As his present, Jesus Christ used his brand-new magic lasso (part of the new powers he’d gained when he came back at Easter) to make them reveal their true feelings for each other.
TITSY: “Well, I don’t really know you that well, but you seem kind of sweet, and you give me nice things.”
BRIGHAM: “It IS love!”
Brigham then gave Titsy a gaudily-jeweled broach. Under the lasso’s power, Titsy confessed that she didn’t like the broach, but accepted it as a symbol of Brigham’s love.
Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory at the general store when the newly-elected Mayor Constance Snell arrived with a proposal. Since Roswell is such a brilliant scientist, she wanted him to be the town’s doctor. When Roswell expressed uncertainty, Constance clarified that it wasn’t an offer, but an order. She informed Roswell that if he refused, she would run him out of town, take over Castle Gayskull, and redecorate.
Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean threw a bachelor party for Brigham Young. Titsy, being the only exotic dancer in town, was the entertainment, but Brigham couldn’t watch because it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. Brigham told Titsy that he didn’t want her to dance for other men anymore. She agreed to let Brigham be her sole customer.
BRIGHAM: “From now on, you’ll only take off your clothes for me…and maybe the neighbors if we’re feeling kinky.”
Madeline Clementine was sitting by the campfire, lamenting her fate of being “always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” Jesus Christ came by, pushing his invisible stagecoach (another of his new gifts). Jesus healed her wounded foot (where she had been shot by Roswell Diabolicus), but explained that she had to heal her emotional wounds herself. Jesus assured her that Will would come to his senses, escape his sisters’ evil clutches, and return to her. Madeline decided that she couldn’t wait that long, and resolved to find Will and shake some wise-up into him.
Constance and Madeline threw a bachelorette party for Titsy, with Madeline’s brother Ass Masterson working as the stripper. As Ass did a lap-dance for Titsy, Constance protested about the lewdness. Madeline told the mayor that she was off the clock and needed to loosen up. They sat Constance down so Ass could give her a lap-dance.
The next day, the big moment arrived. The wedding began, with Jesus Christ performing the ceremony. When Jesus asked “If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace,” the bride surprised everybody by raising her hand. Titsy explained that she and Brigham were, in fact, already married. With that, Titsy removed her wig and revealed her true identity…Brigham’s long-believed-dead gay lover Red Clay!
Later, Red Clay sat by the campfire to commune with his ancestral spirits. He had abandoned his disguise and returned to his traditional Chipapoo garb (though he still had the enormous breasts). Red Clay explained that, when he was shot, he didn’t die, but went into a coma. He woke up shortly afterwards and devised a new plan to get his people’s land back. He went to New York, where he perfected his disguise by studying diction, dance, and acting (also landing a part in “The Fantasticks”). He then went to Amsterdam to get his new boobs, but had now returned to reclaim Little One Point.
Trapper Jean was handing over the mayor’s office to Constance, showing her where everything was (including the secret stash of booze). Constance thanked Jean, and offered him a job repairing the wagon-wheel ruts in the road. Jean warned her that being mayor is a difficult job, and that she’d have to tell people things they don’t want to hear. As an example, they decided to enact prohibition, starting with their own secret stash. They drank a toast to prohibition…or, rather, Jean drank while Constance watched. Jean started feeling dizzy, then collapsed into a chair. He realized that Constance had found the stash already and drugged it. Constance took Jean’s gun and ordered him to be her little French slave.
Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine were discussing Red Clay’s unexpected return. Even though Brigham had shattered Madeline’s heart into millions of pieces (“a fine powder of heart”), she still sympathized with his dilemma. Brigham confessed that Red Clay’s return had filled him with doubt about his mission. Madeline pointed out that his mission had brought him great wisdom, pointing out how dumb Brigham used to be.
BRIGHAM: “I was dumb…like poop in a bucket.”
MADELINE: “Exactly! You were so dumb, you used to say things like that!”
Madeline sang a song of encouragement to Brigham, and he joined in.
Ass Masterson delivered a package to Castle Gayskull. Roswell informed Ass that the package pertained to him. After explaining that both Ass and the baby owed their invulnerability to their relation to Jesus Christ through Roswell (who, you may remember, was recently revealed to be Jesus’ brother). Roswell showed Ass the contents of the package…a letter revealing the existence of Ass’ long-lost twin brother, a cowboy who wears his pants with the front cut out…Sack Masterson!
In Will’s absence, Jesus was teaching the children from the Book of Knowledge. Red Clay entered, and Jesus explained to the children how the white man had mistreated Red Clay’s people. Red Clay was touched by Jesus’ knowledge and sympathy. After Jesus dismissed the class, Red Clay explained that he needed to get his people’s land back, but knew no other path than that of bloodshed. Jesus suggested that Red Clay could turn the land into an outdoor theater to re-enact the history of the Chipapoo tribe, using poorly-paid white actors…the perfect way of educating the white man AND getting revenge on them at the same time!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Brigham Young and Titsy McJugpuddles were opening the presents at their wedding shower. As his present, Jesus Christ used his brand-new magic lasso (part of the new powers he’d gained when he came back at Easter) to make them reveal their true feelings for each other.
TITSY: “Well, I don’t really know you that well, but you seem kind of sweet, and you give me nice things.”
BRIGHAM: “It IS love!”
Brigham then gave Titsy a gaudily-jeweled broach. Under the lasso’s power, Titsy confessed that she didn’t like the broach, but accepted it as a symbol of Brigham’s love.
Roswell Diabolicus was doing inventory at the general store when the newly-elected Mayor Constance Snell arrived with a proposal. Since Roswell is such a brilliant scientist, she wanted him to be the town’s doctor. When Roswell expressed uncertainty, Constance clarified that it wasn’t an offer, but an order. She informed Roswell that if he refused, she would run him out of town, take over Castle Gayskull, and redecorate.
Ass Masterson and Trapper Jean threw a bachelor party for Brigham Young. Titsy, being the only exotic dancer in town, was the entertainment, but Brigham couldn’t watch because it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. Brigham told Titsy that he didn’t want her to dance for other men anymore. She agreed to let Brigham be her sole customer.
BRIGHAM: “From now on, you’ll only take off your clothes for me…and maybe the neighbors if we’re feeling kinky.”
Madeline Clementine was sitting by the campfire, lamenting her fate of being “always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” Jesus Christ came by, pushing his invisible stagecoach (another of his new gifts). Jesus healed her wounded foot (where she had been shot by Roswell Diabolicus), but explained that she had to heal her emotional wounds herself. Jesus assured her that Will would come to his senses, escape his sisters’ evil clutches, and return to her. Madeline decided that she couldn’t wait that long, and resolved to find Will and shake some wise-up into him.
Constance and Madeline threw a bachelorette party for Titsy, with Madeline’s brother Ass Masterson working as the stripper. As Ass did a lap-dance for Titsy, Constance protested about the lewdness. Madeline told the mayor that she was off the clock and needed to loosen up. They sat Constance down so Ass could give her a lap-dance.
The next day, the big moment arrived. The wedding began, with Jesus Christ performing the ceremony. When Jesus asked “If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace,” the bride surprised everybody by raising her hand. Titsy explained that she and Brigham were, in fact, already married. With that, Titsy removed her wig and revealed her true identity…Brigham’s long-believed-dead gay lover Red Clay!
Later, Red Clay sat by the campfire to commune with his ancestral spirits. He had abandoned his disguise and returned to his traditional Chipapoo garb (though he still had the enormous breasts). Red Clay explained that, when he was shot, he didn’t die, but went into a coma. He woke up shortly afterwards and devised a new plan to get his people’s land back. He went to New York, where he perfected his disguise by studying diction, dance, and acting (also landing a part in “The Fantasticks”). He then went to Amsterdam to get his new boobs, but had now returned to reclaim Little One Point.
Trapper Jean was handing over the mayor’s office to Constance, showing her where everything was (including the secret stash of booze). Constance thanked Jean, and offered him a job repairing the wagon-wheel ruts in the road. Jean warned her that being mayor is a difficult job, and that she’d have to tell people things they don’t want to hear. As an example, they decided to enact prohibition, starting with their own secret stash. They drank a toast to prohibition…or, rather, Jean drank while Constance watched. Jean started feeling dizzy, then collapsed into a chair. He realized that Constance had found the stash already and drugged it. Constance took Jean’s gun and ordered him to be her little French slave.
Brigham Young and Madeline Clementine were discussing Red Clay’s unexpected return. Even though Brigham had shattered Madeline’s heart into millions of pieces (“a fine powder of heart”), she still sympathized with his dilemma. Brigham confessed that Red Clay’s return had filled him with doubt about his mission. Madeline pointed out that his mission had brought him great wisdom, pointing out how dumb Brigham used to be.
BRIGHAM: “I was dumb…like poop in a bucket.”
MADELINE: “Exactly! You were so dumb, you used to say things like that!”
Madeline sang a song of encouragement to Brigham, and he joined in.
Ass Masterson delivered a package to Castle Gayskull. Roswell informed Ass that the package pertained to him. After explaining that both Ass and the baby owed their invulnerability to their relation to Jesus Christ through Roswell (who, you may remember, was recently revealed to be Jesus’ brother). Roswell showed Ass the contents of the package…a letter revealing the existence of Ass’ long-lost twin brother, a cowboy who wears his pants with the front cut out…Sack Masterson!
In Will’s absence, Jesus was teaching the children from the Book of Knowledge. Red Clay entered, and Jesus explained to the children how the white man had mistreated Red Clay’s people. Red Clay was touched by Jesus’ knowledge and sympathy. After Jesus dismissed the class, Red Clay explained that he needed to get his people’s land back, but knew no other path than that of bloodshed. Jesus suggested that Red Clay could turn the land into an outdoor theater to re-enact the history of the Chipapoo tribe, using poorly-paid white actors…the perfect way of educating the white man AND getting revenge on them at the same time!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Season 5, Episode 25: The Long Good Friday
Episode 25: The Long Good Friday
Since Will McGotnuthin had left town with his sisters, Constance Snell was teaching the class about Good Friday (despite her own lack of education). Titsy McJugpuddles entered and panicked at the sight of Constance (remembering their vicious catfight from Episode 22). Constance was surprised that Titsy was still going on about that incident. Constance explained that she had found Jesus, let go of the past, and forgiven Titsy for stealing the bar.
TITSY: “So what you’re saying is, you forgive me for repeatedly mashing my face into your fists?”
Titsy eventually forgave Constance, and they hugged. The embrace went on longer than was comfortable.
Brigham Young returned from Utah and paid a visit to the general store. Jesus Christ emerged from the restroom and was surprised by how much Brigham had changed. For Brigham, 40 years had passed, while only a few weeks had gone by in Little One Point. Jesus told Brigham that He needed to hide, because bad things always happen to Him on Good Friday. Brigham offered to help Jesus hide (“I have 27 wives. No one knows more about disguises than me”), if Jesus would help Brigham get his son back.
Trapper Jean was lounging around, forcing the mind-controlled Roswell Diabolicus to wait on him hand and foot. Jean ordered Roswell to change the baby’s diapers, but Roswell did such a bad job that Jean decided to do it himself. As he undressed the baby, he discovered the words “Love” and “Hate” written on the baby’s bottom.
Madeline Clementine and her brother, Ass Masterson, were still recuperating from the shock of the McGotnuthin sisters robbing them and raping Ass. Madeline told Ass that she needed his help reclaiming her badge from Roswell Diabolicus. Ass was somewhat distracted because he felt naked without his hat.
Jesus Christ paid a visit to Constance Snell, who has distraught over the strange feelings she’d developed when Titsy hugged her. She thought that perhaps becoming mayor would keep her too busy for these homosexual urges. Jesus told her that He didn’t object to anybody being gay, as long as they had love and not just lust in their hearts. He also offered to help her throw a campaign fund-raiser, supplying wine, loaves and fishes for refreshments.
Brigham Young went to the bar and met Titsy McJugpuddles. He asked Titsy to help him spread the word of Mormonism by using her feminine charms to lure converts. Titsy feared that she wouldn’t be accepted, but Brigham urged her to follow her heart. Brigham balanced a Bible on Titsy’s breasts, and she was amazed by how right it felt.
Constance and Trapper Jean held a debate at City Hall. Constance told the voters that Little One Point needed a mayor who knows the city, speaks the language, and didn’t kill the previous mayor. Trapper Jean reminded everybody that, as far as they knew, Hop Hop simply left town. He then argued that Constance shouldn’t be mayor because she’s a woman, and women can’t even vote. Constance turned the all-male voter pool to her advantage by promising free blowjobs if she’s elected.
Having been brought up on her family history, the amnesiac Madeline paid a visit to her biological father, Roswell Diabolicus. As they conversed, Madeline snatched the badge away from him. As she congratulated herself on her feat, Roswell shot her in the foot.
Brigham and Titsy were having a conversation over ice cream. She confessed that “Titsy McJugpuddles” was a stage name, and that her real name was Irina Perogies. He asked her if she’d thought about a future beyond her fan-dancing days, and she remembered the decrepit old women she’s seen in the old fan-dancers’ home. Brigham assured her that she didn’t have to end up like that, then proposed to her.
TITSY: “You’d want to marry a lesbian?”
BRIGHAM: “I’ve ALWAYS wanted to.”
Ass Masterson and Jesus (disguised as Little Red Riding Hood) were putting up flyers for Constance’s campaign. In the process, Ass accidentally nailed Jesus’ hand to the wall. Jesus reassured Ass that it wasn’t Ass’ fault…that this sort of thing always happens on Good Friday, and that He always comes back more powerful than before..
Constance Snell was taking a nap, with visions of Titsy dancing in her dreams. Wracked with guilt when she awoke, Constance prayed for guidance. God told her she already had all the knowledge she needed to make her decision…she just had to follow her heart.
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Brigham came back to reclaim the baby. Roswell engaged in some elaborate speculation about Brigham’s advanced age, but Brigham suggested that he not think too hard about it. Roswell handed over the baby, warning Brigham that Jean would be upset. Roswell then pointed out the baby’s “Masterson birthmark.” These words on the child’s cheeks meant that the baby was destined to display his ass proudly and be invulnerable, just as Ass Masterson went around pantsless and survived a gunfight without flinching. As Brigham took his son in his arms, he realized that Roswell had committed a good, selfless act. Brigham assured Roswell that he could repent and earn forgiveness from God. Roswell put his hand on the Bible, and Brigham and Roswell spoke in one voice to pray for salvation.
After the election, Madeline counted the ballots, with Jean looking on to assure an accurate count. In the end, the ballots came out to a tie, so Madeline polled the crowd to vote for their candidate by applause. Constance was narrowly elected, but as she began her victory speech, Jean warned her “Remember what happened to Lincoln.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Since Will McGotnuthin had left town with his sisters, Constance Snell was teaching the class about Good Friday (despite her own lack of education). Titsy McJugpuddles entered and panicked at the sight of Constance (remembering their vicious catfight from Episode 22). Constance was surprised that Titsy was still going on about that incident. Constance explained that she had found Jesus, let go of the past, and forgiven Titsy for stealing the bar.
TITSY: “So what you’re saying is, you forgive me for repeatedly mashing my face into your fists?”
Titsy eventually forgave Constance, and they hugged. The embrace went on longer than was comfortable.
Brigham Young returned from Utah and paid a visit to the general store. Jesus Christ emerged from the restroom and was surprised by how much Brigham had changed. For Brigham, 40 years had passed, while only a few weeks had gone by in Little One Point. Jesus told Brigham that He needed to hide, because bad things always happen to Him on Good Friday. Brigham offered to help Jesus hide (“I have 27 wives. No one knows more about disguises than me”), if Jesus would help Brigham get his son back.
Trapper Jean was lounging around, forcing the mind-controlled Roswell Diabolicus to wait on him hand and foot. Jean ordered Roswell to change the baby’s diapers, but Roswell did such a bad job that Jean decided to do it himself. As he undressed the baby, he discovered the words “Love” and “Hate” written on the baby’s bottom.
Madeline Clementine and her brother, Ass Masterson, were still recuperating from the shock of the McGotnuthin sisters robbing them and raping Ass. Madeline told Ass that she needed his help reclaiming her badge from Roswell Diabolicus. Ass was somewhat distracted because he felt naked without his hat.
Jesus Christ paid a visit to Constance Snell, who has distraught over the strange feelings she’d developed when Titsy hugged her. She thought that perhaps becoming mayor would keep her too busy for these homosexual urges. Jesus told her that He didn’t object to anybody being gay, as long as they had love and not just lust in their hearts. He also offered to help her throw a campaign fund-raiser, supplying wine, loaves and fishes for refreshments.
Brigham Young went to the bar and met Titsy McJugpuddles. He asked Titsy to help him spread the word of Mormonism by using her feminine charms to lure converts. Titsy feared that she wouldn’t be accepted, but Brigham urged her to follow her heart. Brigham balanced a Bible on Titsy’s breasts, and she was amazed by how right it felt.
Constance and Trapper Jean held a debate at City Hall. Constance told the voters that Little One Point needed a mayor who knows the city, speaks the language, and didn’t kill the previous mayor. Trapper Jean reminded everybody that, as far as they knew, Hop Hop simply left town. He then argued that Constance shouldn’t be mayor because she’s a woman, and women can’t even vote. Constance turned the all-male voter pool to her advantage by promising free blowjobs if she’s elected.
Having been brought up on her family history, the amnesiac Madeline paid a visit to her biological father, Roswell Diabolicus. As they conversed, Madeline snatched the badge away from him. As she congratulated herself on her feat, Roswell shot her in the foot.
Brigham and Titsy were having a conversation over ice cream. She confessed that “Titsy McJugpuddles” was a stage name, and that her real name was Irina Perogies. He asked her if she’d thought about a future beyond her fan-dancing days, and she remembered the decrepit old women she’s seen in the old fan-dancers’ home. Brigham assured her that she didn’t have to end up like that, then proposed to her.
TITSY: “You’d want to marry a lesbian?”
BRIGHAM: “I’ve ALWAYS wanted to.”
Ass Masterson and Jesus (disguised as Little Red Riding Hood) were putting up flyers for Constance’s campaign. In the process, Ass accidentally nailed Jesus’ hand to the wall. Jesus reassured Ass that it wasn’t Ass’ fault…that this sort of thing always happens on Good Friday, and that He always comes back more powerful than before..
Constance Snell was taking a nap, with visions of Titsy dancing in her dreams. Wracked with guilt when she awoke, Constance prayed for guidance. God told her she already had all the knowledge she needed to make her decision…she just had to follow her heart.
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Brigham came back to reclaim the baby. Roswell engaged in some elaborate speculation about Brigham’s advanced age, but Brigham suggested that he not think too hard about it. Roswell handed over the baby, warning Brigham that Jean would be upset. Roswell then pointed out the baby’s “Masterson birthmark.” These words on the child’s cheeks meant that the baby was destined to display his ass proudly and be invulnerable, just as Ass Masterson went around pantsless and survived a gunfight without flinching. As Brigham took his son in his arms, he realized that Roswell had committed a good, selfless act. Brigham assured Roswell that he could repent and earn forgiveness from God. Roswell put his hand on the Bible, and Brigham and Roswell spoke in one voice to pray for salvation.
After the election, Madeline counted the ballots, with Jean looking on to assure an accurate count. In the end, the ballots came out to a tie, so Madeline polled the crowd to vote for their candidate by applause. Constance was narrowly elected, but as she began her victory speech, Jean warned her “Remember what happened to Lincoln.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Season 5, Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit
Episode 24: Enter (and Exit) the Kissing Bandit
Will McGotnuthin dismissed his class, telling the children that he may not be around to teach them anymore, since his sisters had come to town. As the kids left, Crab and Carnita McGotnuthin entered and confronted their brother. They lectured him about his leaving them to rot in jail…then handed him a script. Whether he liked it or not, he was joining the family Shakespeare troupe again…mainly because Crab was sick of playing all the men’s parts.
Madeline Clementine wandered on the outskirts of town. Though she was still suffering from amnesia, her horrible facial wounds had been repaired by the herbal remedies of the old Indian woman She-Heals-So-Good. Suddenly, Jesus Christ came by, riding on the Easter Bunny. They discussed her amnesia, and Madeline admitted that her loss of memory had filled her with a sense of purpose to find out both her own identity and that of her true love. Jesus explained that her amnesia was a blessing in disguise, since it had rid her of all her emotional baggage.
Constance Snell was starstruck after meeting the McGotnuthin sisters. She told them that she had done some performing of her own, and gave them a sample of her stand-up comedy act. They invited her to join their troupe.
In an attempt to add more variety to her fan-dancing act, Titsy McJugpuddles was practicing the “Who’s on First” routine with Ass Masterson. Suddenly, a mysterious masked stranger entered. He announced that he was the notorious Kissing Bandit, and that his kiss reveals the heart’s desires. He kissed Titsy, who immediately broke into song (something about becoming half-fish). The Bandit then kissed Ass Masterson, who revealed that his heart’s desire was to be an uncle (“all the joys of parenthood without all the bitching & moaning”).
In Madeline’s absence, Roswell Diabolicus had appointed himself sheriff. Mayor Trapper Jean came to his door, campaigning for re-election. Roswell noticed Jean’s new upbeat personality, but Jean feebly claimed that he was still the same old evil Jean. Roswell suggested that Jean prove his evilness by signing an affidavit confessing to killing Hop Hop. Jean refused to sign, but did admit his guilt in the presence of the baby…who, besides being invulnerable, could also record and play back anything he heard. As sheriff, Roswell arrested Trapper Jean. Knowing that no ordinary cell could hold Jean, Roswell announced that he had designed a special “Trapper Keeper.”
The McGotnuthin family and Constance were rehearsing their show. As Will and Apollonia practiced a love scene, Apollonia went off script and revealed that she truly did feel a forbidden love for her brother. Everybody in the room was freaked out by this revelation, but before they could discuss it, the Kissing Bandit entered and started kissing everyone. One by one, they revealed their deepest wishes. Crab wanted to go to New York and work with the greatest actor of all: John Wilkes Booth. Apollonia wanted to stop robbing & raping every man she met, and just settle down and rape the same man every night. Carnita wanted to stop wandering from town to town, and to establish a permanent Shakespeare festival in Atlanta. And Constance just wanted to see Carnita’s breasts pop out of her bodice.
Trapper Jean was struggling to escape from the binder that shackled his hands. (“If you think these chains can bind me…you’re pretty much correct.”) Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit arrived and kissed Jean. Jean realized that his true heart’s desire was to continue his evil ways, and that he was only fooling himself by trying to reform. Filled with a renewed sense of purpose, Jean burst free from the Trapper Keeper and swore revenge on Roswell.
Will McGotnuthin was packing up his belongings when he looked out the window and saw Madeline Clementine wandering in the street. He rushed out and hurriedly explained that the Kissing Bandit had made him realize that his heart’s desire was to be with her, but he CAN’T be with her or else his sisters would kill her, so he had to run away for her own protection. He then rushed off before Madeline could explain about her amnesia or ask him who he was.
MADELINE: “I feel a tremendous sense of loss, but its source is unclear to me.”
Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson had just finished constructing the stage for the McGotnuthins’ performance. Suddenly, Trapper Jean ran across the stage.
ASS: “Well, we know it can withstand the running of a man.”
JESUS: “But can it withstand Shakespearean acting?”
ASS: “NOTHING can withstand Shakespearean acting.”
Roswell Diabolicus was in the sheriff’s office, contemplating what he would do with his authority. He came up with a plan to arrest everybody in town, appoint himself mayor, and then secede from the Union. With Little One Point as his own sovereign nation, and with the power of the Rhode Island Cannon, Roswell would soon dominate the world. Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit rushed in and kissed Roswell (his most passionate kiss yet). Roswell realized that all his evil plans were just a cry for the attention he desired…the attention that his brother, Jesus Christ, always got. Roswell then informed the Kissing Bandit that he had one more desire… “Your brains as wallpaper!” With that, Roswell shot the Kissing Bandit.
Seeking revenge on Roswell, Trapper Jean was running to Castle Gayskull in slow-motion. He passed by Titsy’s Place and decided to stop in for a slow-motion quickie. Titsy (still in slow-motion) explained that she’d realized she preferred the intimate company of women. This only got Trapper Jean even more turned on.
Roswell Diabolicus was randomly shooting people in the street when Trapper Jean ran up at normal speed. Roswell tried to raise his gun to defend himself, but dropped it. Jean grabbed Roswell’s gun and declared that, with Roswell out of the way, now HE would carry out all of Roswell’s evil plans. Roswell pointed out that Jean probably couldn’t kill him, since he’d survived so many seemingly certain-death situations. Jean explained that he wasn’t going to kill him…he was simply going to shoot him with the mind-control bullets that Roswell himself had invented!
As the Shakespeare festival ended, the McGotnuthin sisters drew their weapons to hold up the audience. Madeline and Jesus pled with Will not to go through with it, but he couldn’t defy his sisters. After the rape & robbery were complete, the McGotnuthins made their escape with Will in tow as part of the gang again.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Will McGotnuthin dismissed his class, telling the children that he may not be around to teach them anymore, since his sisters had come to town. As the kids left, Crab and Carnita McGotnuthin entered and confronted their brother. They lectured him about his leaving them to rot in jail…then handed him a script. Whether he liked it or not, he was joining the family Shakespeare troupe again…mainly because Crab was sick of playing all the men’s parts.
Madeline Clementine wandered on the outskirts of town. Though she was still suffering from amnesia, her horrible facial wounds had been repaired by the herbal remedies of the old Indian woman She-Heals-So-Good. Suddenly, Jesus Christ came by, riding on the Easter Bunny. They discussed her amnesia, and Madeline admitted that her loss of memory had filled her with a sense of purpose to find out both her own identity and that of her true love. Jesus explained that her amnesia was a blessing in disguise, since it had rid her of all her emotional baggage.
Constance Snell was starstruck after meeting the McGotnuthin sisters. She told them that she had done some performing of her own, and gave them a sample of her stand-up comedy act. They invited her to join their troupe.
In an attempt to add more variety to her fan-dancing act, Titsy McJugpuddles was practicing the “Who’s on First” routine with Ass Masterson. Suddenly, a mysterious masked stranger entered. He announced that he was the notorious Kissing Bandit, and that his kiss reveals the heart’s desires. He kissed Titsy, who immediately broke into song (something about becoming half-fish). The Bandit then kissed Ass Masterson, who revealed that his heart’s desire was to be an uncle (“all the joys of parenthood without all the bitching & moaning”).
In Madeline’s absence, Roswell Diabolicus had appointed himself sheriff. Mayor Trapper Jean came to his door, campaigning for re-election. Roswell noticed Jean’s new upbeat personality, but Jean feebly claimed that he was still the same old evil Jean. Roswell suggested that Jean prove his evilness by signing an affidavit confessing to killing Hop Hop. Jean refused to sign, but did admit his guilt in the presence of the baby…who, besides being invulnerable, could also record and play back anything he heard. As sheriff, Roswell arrested Trapper Jean. Knowing that no ordinary cell could hold Jean, Roswell announced that he had designed a special “Trapper Keeper.”
The McGotnuthin family and Constance were rehearsing their show. As Will and Apollonia practiced a love scene, Apollonia went off script and revealed that she truly did feel a forbidden love for her brother. Everybody in the room was freaked out by this revelation, but before they could discuss it, the Kissing Bandit entered and started kissing everyone. One by one, they revealed their deepest wishes. Crab wanted to go to New York and work with the greatest actor of all: John Wilkes Booth. Apollonia wanted to stop robbing & raping every man she met, and just settle down and rape the same man every night. Carnita wanted to stop wandering from town to town, and to establish a permanent Shakespeare festival in Atlanta. And Constance just wanted to see Carnita’s breasts pop out of her bodice.
Trapper Jean was struggling to escape from the binder that shackled his hands. (“If you think these chains can bind me…you’re pretty much correct.”) Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit arrived and kissed Jean. Jean realized that his true heart’s desire was to continue his evil ways, and that he was only fooling himself by trying to reform. Filled with a renewed sense of purpose, Jean burst free from the Trapper Keeper and swore revenge on Roswell.
Will McGotnuthin was packing up his belongings when he looked out the window and saw Madeline Clementine wandering in the street. He rushed out and hurriedly explained that the Kissing Bandit had made him realize that his heart’s desire was to be with her, but he CAN’T be with her or else his sisters would kill her, so he had to run away for her own protection. He then rushed off before Madeline could explain about her amnesia or ask him who he was.
MADELINE: “I feel a tremendous sense of loss, but its source is unclear to me.”
Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson had just finished constructing the stage for the McGotnuthins’ performance. Suddenly, Trapper Jean ran across the stage.
ASS: “Well, we know it can withstand the running of a man.”
JESUS: “But can it withstand Shakespearean acting?”
ASS: “NOTHING can withstand Shakespearean acting.”
Roswell Diabolicus was in the sheriff’s office, contemplating what he would do with his authority. He came up with a plan to arrest everybody in town, appoint himself mayor, and then secede from the Union. With Little One Point as his own sovereign nation, and with the power of the Rhode Island Cannon, Roswell would soon dominate the world. Suddenly, the Kissing Bandit rushed in and kissed Roswell (his most passionate kiss yet). Roswell realized that all his evil plans were just a cry for the attention he desired…the attention that his brother, Jesus Christ, always got. Roswell then informed the Kissing Bandit that he had one more desire… “Your brains as wallpaper!” With that, Roswell shot the Kissing Bandit.
Seeking revenge on Roswell, Trapper Jean was running to Castle Gayskull in slow-motion. He passed by Titsy’s Place and decided to stop in for a slow-motion quickie. Titsy (still in slow-motion) explained that she’d realized she preferred the intimate company of women. This only got Trapper Jean even more turned on.
Roswell Diabolicus was randomly shooting people in the street when Trapper Jean ran up at normal speed. Roswell tried to raise his gun to defend himself, but dropped it. Jean grabbed Roswell’s gun and declared that, with Roswell out of the way, now HE would carry out all of Roswell’s evil plans. Roswell pointed out that Jean probably couldn’t kill him, since he’d survived so many seemingly certain-death situations. Jean explained that he wasn’t going to kill him…he was simply going to shoot him with the mind-control bullets that Roswell himself had invented!
As the Shakespeare festival ended, the McGotnuthin sisters drew their weapons to hold up the audience. Madeline and Jesus pled with Will not to go through with it, but he couldn’t defy his sisters. After the rape & robbery were complete, the McGotnuthins made their escape with Will in tow as part of the gang again.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Friday, December 19, 2008
Season 5, Episode 23: The Georgia Shakespeare Festival
Episode 23: The Georgia Shakespeare Festival
With the election coming up, Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to persuade Will McGotnuthin to run for mayor. She assured him that his shady past with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe was a safe secret, since the only other person who knew (Brigham Young) had left town. Will was comforted by her reassurance…until he discovered a flyer announcing the arrival of the McGotnuthin Family Shaxspur Jubilee.
Titsy McJugpuddles was doing a lap-fan-dance as part of a private party for Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell stopped her, partly because he wasn’t attracted to the 6-foot Titsy, but mostly so that they could talk business. Impressed by Titsy’s ambition in taking over the saloon, Roswell wanted her to take Trapper Jean’s place as his new partner-in-crime. To seal the deal, Roswell demonstrated what a lap-dance is SUPPOSED to look like.
Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson were playing checkers, but Jesus could sense that Ass was troubled. Ass explained that he wanted to fulfill his father’s last wish by giving his dad’s lover, Roswell Diabolicus, an operation to make Roswell a complete woman. Jesus suggested that Ass would better serve his father’s memory by planting a tree in his name. Ass confessed that he didn’t know his father’s name, but simply called him “Sir.” Jesus suggested that Ass open a Christmas tree farm and name it “Sir’s Firs.”
Trapper Jean was at the bar, preparing his re-election acceptance speech, when the McGotnuthin sisters (Carnita, Apollonia, and Crab) entered. Jean couldn’t help but gawk and ogle at the beautiful sisters.
CARNITA: “My eyes are up here.”
JEAN: “Well, I am not interested in your eyes.”
After they explained about their Shakespeare festival, Jean suggested that he might sponsor it, since being a patron of the arts would help his image for the election. Carnita turned down his offer. Impressed (and aroused) by her severe manner, Jean agreed to give them the best suite in the hotel, then explained an elaborate password procedure. Crab took Carnita aside and confessed that she had misgivings about their plans to rob the audience and rape the men at the end of the show.
After a long day of baby-sitting, Madeline came to the general store to return the baby to Roswell Diabolicus’ dubious care. She noticed that Roswell had built a separate stockroom, so that the cases of dynamite would no longer have to be kept in the classroom with the children. Roswell admitted that he had developed a bit more concern for others since he started taking care of the baby. In turn, Madeline confessed that she had fallen in love with Will McGotnuthin. Roswell approved of their relationship, but urged Madeline to dissuade Will from running for mayor. He explained that the power of office would corrupt Will, and that he was only thinking of her happiness. Madeline was reluctant to accept this explanation, so Roswell switched tactics and started beating her with the baby.
Titsy McJugpuddles showed Carnita McGotnuthin to her room. Titsy was upset that the Shakespeare festival would be stealing the spotlight from her fan-dance act, and was also jealous that Carnita had attracted Trapper Jean’s attention. However, Carnita suggested that they could join forces to play Trapper Jean for all he’s worth. And to make sure the money keeps coming in, they needed to make sure Jean stays in office.
Will McGotnuthin had just finished teaching the children about llamas (“Never forget… they spit!”), when Roswell Diabolicus entered disguised as Madeline Clementine. Roswell/Madeline urged Will to drop out of the mayoral race, launching into an impassioned, twisted speech about the dangers of power. Being completely whipped, Will agreed to do as “she” said.
Meanwhile, the real Madeline regained consciousness. Ass Masterson passed by, dragging a tree behind him, when he noticed that his sister had been badly disfigured. When he asked what had happened, he discovered that Madeline was now suffering from amnesia.
Trapper Jean was explaining his mayoral campaign to Crab McGotnuthin. Crab was intrigued by the political process, explaining that in Shakespeare’s plays, power was seized by assassination. Jean replied that that was precisely what he had done, by shooting Hop Hop and declaring himself mayor. Jean asked Crab for a sample of Shakespeare, and she recited the “What a piece of work is man” speech from “Hamlet.” Moved to tears, Jean realized that he had lost touch with his own humanity, shielding himself behind his guns and pelts. Jean resolved to turn over a new leaf and run his campaign on a strong moral stand. Crab advised him not to mention his killing the former mayor.
Jesus Christ and Apollonia McGotnuthin were discussing their favorite rabbit recipes, and realized they had a lot in common. Apollonia offered Jesus a rose. When Jesus pointed out that she’d given him two roses, she broke down in embarrassment and confessed that she didn’t know how to count. Jesus taught her math, and in return, she taught him about Shakespeare. They performed the balcony scene from “Romeo & Juliet,” and Jesus went way off script. Just as they were about to kiss, Will McGotnuthin walked by and was stunned to find himself face-to-face with his twin sister once again. Will urged Apollonia to come clean about her criminal activities.
WILL: “Go on, confess to Jesus! That’s what he’s for!”
JESUS: “Hey, I’d like to think that’s not ALL I’m here for…”
Apollonia admitted that she and her sisters always rob and rape the audience after each performance. Jesus was shocked that Apollonia would do such a thing. (“I don’t even know you anymore!”) Feeling hurt and betrayed, Jesus walked away.
APOLLONIA: “Every time I meet a nice guy, THIS happens!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
With the election coming up, Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to persuade Will McGotnuthin to run for mayor. She assured him that his shady past with his sisters’ criminal Shakespeare troupe was a safe secret, since the only other person who knew (Brigham Young) had left town. Will was comforted by her reassurance…until he discovered a flyer announcing the arrival of the McGotnuthin Family Shaxspur Jubilee.Titsy McJugpuddles was doing a lap-fan-dance as part of a private party for Roswell Diabolicus. Roswell stopped her, partly because he wasn’t attracted to the 6-foot Titsy, but mostly so that they could talk business. Impressed by Titsy’s ambition in taking over the saloon, Roswell wanted her to take Trapper Jean’s place as his new partner-in-crime. To seal the deal, Roswell demonstrated what a lap-dance is SUPPOSED to look like.
Jesus Christ and Ass Masterson were playing checkers, but Jesus could sense that Ass was troubled. Ass explained that he wanted to fulfill his father’s last wish by giving his dad’s lover, Roswell Diabolicus, an operation to make Roswell a complete woman. Jesus suggested that Ass would better serve his father’s memory by planting a tree in his name. Ass confessed that he didn’t know his father’s name, but simply called him “Sir.” Jesus suggested that Ass open a Christmas tree farm and name it “Sir’s Firs.”
Trapper Jean was at the bar, preparing his re-election acceptance speech, when the McGotnuthin sisters (Carnita, Apollonia, and Crab) entered. Jean couldn’t help but gawk and ogle at the beautiful sisters.
CARNITA: “My eyes are up here.”
JEAN: “Well, I am not interested in your eyes.”
After they explained about their Shakespeare festival, Jean suggested that he might sponsor it, since being a patron of the arts would help his image for the election. Carnita turned down his offer. Impressed (and aroused) by her severe manner, Jean agreed to give them the best suite in the hotel, then explained an elaborate password procedure. Crab took Carnita aside and confessed that she had misgivings about their plans to rob the audience and rape the men at the end of the show.
After a long day of baby-sitting, Madeline came to the general store to return the baby to Roswell Diabolicus’ dubious care. She noticed that Roswell had built a separate stockroom, so that the cases of dynamite would no longer have to be kept in the classroom with the children. Roswell admitted that he had developed a bit more concern for others since he started taking care of the baby. In turn, Madeline confessed that she had fallen in love with Will McGotnuthin. Roswell approved of their relationship, but urged Madeline to dissuade Will from running for mayor. He explained that the power of office would corrupt Will, and that he was only thinking of her happiness. Madeline was reluctant to accept this explanation, so Roswell switched tactics and started beating her with the baby.
Titsy McJugpuddles showed Carnita McGotnuthin to her room. Titsy was upset that the Shakespeare festival would be stealing the spotlight from her fan-dance act, and was also jealous that Carnita had attracted Trapper Jean’s attention. However, Carnita suggested that they could join forces to play Trapper Jean for all he’s worth. And to make sure the money keeps coming in, they needed to make sure Jean stays in office.
Will McGotnuthin had just finished teaching the children about llamas (“Never forget… they spit!”), when Roswell Diabolicus entered disguised as Madeline Clementine. Roswell/Madeline urged Will to drop out of the mayoral race, launching into an impassioned, twisted speech about the dangers of power. Being completely whipped, Will agreed to do as “she” said.
Meanwhile, the real Madeline regained consciousness. Ass Masterson passed by, dragging a tree behind him, when he noticed that his sister had been badly disfigured. When he asked what had happened, he discovered that Madeline was now suffering from amnesia.
Trapper Jean was explaining his mayoral campaign to Crab McGotnuthin. Crab was intrigued by the political process, explaining that in Shakespeare’s plays, power was seized by assassination. Jean replied that that was precisely what he had done, by shooting Hop Hop and declaring himself mayor. Jean asked Crab for a sample of Shakespeare, and she recited the “What a piece of work is man” speech from “Hamlet.” Moved to tears, Jean realized that he had lost touch with his own humanity, shielding himself behind his guns and pelts. Jean resolved to turn over a new leaf and run his campaign on a strong moral stand. Crab advised him not to mention his killing the former mayor.
Jesus Christ and Apollonia McGotnuthin were discussing their favorite rabbit recipes, and realized they had a lot in common. Apollonia offered Jesus a rose. When Jesus pointed out that she’d given him two roses, she broke down in embarrassment and confessed that she didn’t know how to count. Jesus taught her math, and in return, she taught him about Shakespeare. They performed the balcony scene from “Romeo & Juliet,” and Jesus went way off script. Just as they were about to kiss, Will McGotnuthin walked by and was stunned to find himself face-to-face with his twin sister once again. Will urged Apollonia to come clean about her criminal activities.
WILL: “Go on, confess to Jesus! That’s what he’s for!”
JESUS: “Hey, I’d like to think that’s not ALL I’m here for…”
Apollonia admitted that she and her sisters always rob and rape the audience after each performance. Jesus was shocked that Apollonia would do such a thing. (“I don’t even know you anymore!”) Feeling hurt and betrayed, Jesus walked away.
APOLLONIA: “Every time I meet a nice guy, THIS happens!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Season 5, Episode 22: St. Jubal's Day Jubilee
Episode 22: St. Jubal’s Day Jubilee
Will McGotnuthin returned to the school to discover that Titsy McJugpuddles, acting as substitute teacher, had misunderstood the Montessori system and was letting the children do whatever they wanted. She explained that she was trying to avoid the mistakes of her own repressive childhood, which led her to the degraded life of a fan-dancer, prostitute, and worst of all, a cleaning woman. Sympathizing, Will agreed to keep her on as an assistant teacher as long as she stops sending the children out into blizzards.
Having been gravely wounded in her gunfight with Roswell Diabolicus, Sheriff Madeline Clementine was being patched up by Constance Snell. Constance started going on about the lawlessness of the city, and her voice took on a preaching quality. She explained that she felt the presence of Jesus in her (and Jesus appeared behind her to illustrate the point), urging her to save Little One Point. She started to sing.
After going through two gunfights in quick succession, Roswell Diabolicus was now a severed head, kept alive by his Diabolitank. Jesus Christ appeared and ordered Roswell to bow his head (which Roswell couldn’t do, of course). Then Jesus brightened up, explaining that the Old Testament act was just a St. Jubal’s Day prank. Jesus was impressed by Roswell’s Diabolitank, and asked him several questions about how it worked. Roswell grew irritated by this digression, and brought the conversation around to the principle of forgiveness. Jesus explained that He would forgive any sin if the sinner asked for redemption. Roswell belligerently asked Jesus to forgive him and restore his body. Jesus refused, since He knew that Roswell’s plea was not motivated by sincere remorse. Jesus told Roswell he needed to find the love within himself to earn forgiveness.
Trapper Jean and Ass Masterson were preparing a float for the St. Jubal’s Day parade. Carelessly swinging around Constance’s baby, Jean explained that he had stolen the baby by catching it in a bear-trap baited with pudding (“But if you have been watching ‘Scandal,’ you would know the baby is indestructible”). Jean told Ass that he wanted to give the baby a special St. Jubal’s Day. Ass remembered his first St. Jubal’s Day, when the woman he loved pulled a prank on his heart by leaving him. Jean enlisted Ass’ help in pulling off the greatest St. Jubal’s Day prank of all.
Titsy McJugpuddles was going over her plans for “Titsy’s Place” when Constance tried to enter (and found her key wouldn’t open the door). When Titsy explained that she had taken over the saloon, Constance thought it was just an elaborate St. Jubal’s Day prank. When Constance realized that Titsy was serious, she refused to give up the saloon. Constance and Titsy each tried to kick the other out, and the confrontation soon escalated into a full-scale catfight. Trapper Jean arrived and sat down to watch the action.
Will and Madeline were building a St. Jubal’s Day float while Madeline brought Will up to date on what had happened while he was still in Cumming. Will offered his sympathies for Madeline’s wounds, then told her “I like a woman with scars.” Madeline realized that Will had scars, too…internal, emotional scars. They kissed passionately.
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Ass Masterson entered. Roswell was amazed that Ass had apparently gotten through their gunfight without a scratch. Ass explained that all of Roswell’s bullets were still inside him…that’s just how tough he was. Ass revealed that he had a secret to tell Roswell. After much prodding, Ass informed Roswell that the reason Ass’ father had been panning for gold (just before his untimely end) was to save up for an operation to make the hermaphroditic Roswell a complete woman. Yes, Ass’ father was Roswell’s lover. Because Ass respected his father’s love, he forgave Roswell. Suddenly, Jesus appeared and told Roswell that he’d finally found that spark of love inside himself. Jesus healed Roswell and restored his body.
Titsy McJugpuddles was grumbling about her dress getting ripped in the fight with Constance. Jesus Christ appeared and took her to task for her language. Titsy demanded to know why Jesus hadn’t intervened in the fight, and Jesus pointed out that Constance had won because she was in the right. Jesus scolded Titsy for trying to take over the bar that Constance had worked her whole life to build. Titsy cried that she just wanted to be the greatest, most celebrated fan-dancer in the world. (“Well then, FAN-DANCE! Don’t steal bars!”) Jesus conjured a stage for her to dance on. Tearing off her dress to reveal a skimpy, sparkly outfit underneath, Titsy put on the greatest fan-dancing show of her life. Trapper Jean arrived and was awestruck by the spectacle. Jean was now even more turned on than he was by the catfight. Jesus suggested that Jean become Titsy’s manager and lead her to stardom, using his cunning for good instead of evil. Constance entered, and Titsy tearfully urged Jean to shoot her. Jesus attempted to make peace, but Jean refused to listen. Jean explained that he did not believe in Jesus, so Jesus had no power over him. In response, Jesus proved his power by bringing Jean’s skunk-skin cap back to life. The enraged skunk attacked Jean.
Later that day, the St. Jubal’s Day parade finally got underway. Madeline and Will rode their float, while Ass Masterson and Constance dragged Jean’s body through the street. Jesus noted that Jean’s death was putting a damper on the festivities. Titsy tearfully cried that Jesus had killed Jean, but Jesus protested that Jean’s death was the skunk’s doing. Roswell Diabolicus urged Madeline to arrest Jesus for murder. Madeline didn’t want to arrest the Savior, but Jesus told her that He’d accepted His fate. Suddenly, Roswell shouted “Happy St. Jubal’s Day!” Roswell and Ass hadn’t forgiven each other after all…it was just a prank to get Jesus to heal Roswell. What’s more, Trapper Jean was all right…he’d only been playing dead as his own prank, and Jesus had fallen for it completely! Everybody laughed, and Jesus declared this to be the greatest St. Jubal’s Day ever.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Will McGotnuthin returned to the school to discover that Titsy McJugpuddles, acting as substitute teacher, had misunderstood the Montessori system and was letting the children do whatever they wanted. She explained that she was trying to avoid the mistakes of her own repressive childhood, which led her to the degraded life of a fan-dancer, prostitute, and worst of all, a cleaning woman. Sympathizing, Will agreed to keep her on as an assistant teacher as long as she stops sending the children out into blizzards.
Having been gravely wounded in her gunfight with Roswell Diabolicus, Sheriff Madeline Clementine was being patched up by Constance Snell. Constance started going on about the lawlessness of the city, and her voice took on a preaching quality. She explained that she felt the presence of Jesus in her (and Jesus appeared behind her to illustrate the point), urging her to save Little One Point. She started to sing.
After going through two gunfights in quick succession, Roswell Diabolicus was now a severed head, kept alive by his Diabolitank. Jesus Christ appeared and ordered Roswell to bow his head (which Roswell couldn’t do, of course). Then Jesus brightened up, explaining that the Old Testament act was just a St. Jubal’s Day prank. Jesus was impressed by Roswell’s Diabolitank, and asked him several questions about how it worked. Roswell grew irritated by this digression, and brought the conversation around to the principle of forgiveness. Jesus explained that He would forgive any sin if the sinner asked for redemption. Roswell belligerently asked Jesus to forgive him and restore his body. Jesus refused, since He knew that Roswell’s plea was not motivated by sincere remorse. Jesus told Roswell he needed to find the love within himself to earn forgiveness.
Trapper Jean and Ass Masterson were preparing a float for the St. Jubal’s Day parade. Carelessly swinging around Constance’s baby, Jean explained that he had stolen the baby by catching it in a bear-trap baited with pudding (“But if you have been watching ‘Scandal,’ you would know the baby is indestructible”). Jean told Ass that he wanted to give the baby a special St. Jubal’s Day. Ass remembered his first St. Jubal’s Day, when the woman he loved pulled a prank on his heart by leaving him. Jean enlisted Ass’ help in pulling off the greatest St. Jubal’s Day prank of all.
Titsy McJugpuddles was going over her plans for “Titsy’s Place” when Constance tried to enter (and found her key wouldn’t open the door). When Titsy explained that she had taken over the saloon, Constance thought it was just an elaborate St. Jubal’s Day prank. When Constance realized that Titsy was serious, she refused to give up the saloon. Constance and Titsy each tried to kick the other out, and the confrontation soon escalated into a full-scale catfight. Trapper Jean arrived and sat down to watch the action.
Will and Madeline were building a St. Jubal’s Day float while Madeline brought Will up to date on what had happened while he was still in Cumming. Will offered his sympathies for Madeline’s wounds, then told her “I like a woman with scars.” Madeline realized that Will had scars, too…internal, emotional scars. They kissed passionately.
Roswell Diabolicus was working at the general store when Ass Masterson entered. Roswell was amazed that Ass had apparently gotten through their gunfight without a scratch. Ass explained that all of Roswell’s bullets were still inside him…that’s just how tough he was. Ass revealed that he had a secret to tell Roswell. After much prodding, Ass informed Roswell that the reason Ass’ father had been panning for gold (just before his untimely end) was to save up for an operation to make the hermaphroditic Roswell a complete woman. Yes, Ass’ father was Roswell’s lover. Because Ass respected his father’s love, he forgave Roswell. Suddenly, Jesus appeared and told Roswell that he’d finally found that spark of love inside himself. Jesus healed Roswell and restored his body.
Titsy McJugpuddles was grumbling about her dress getting ripped in the fight with Constance. Jesus Christ appeared and took her to task for her language. Titsy demanded to know why Jesus hadn’t intervened in the fight, and Jesus pointed out that Constance had won because she was in the right. Jesus scolded Titsy for trying to take over the bar that Constance had worked her whole life to build. Titsy cried that she just wanted to be the greatest, most celebrated fan-dancer in the world. (“Well then, FAN-DANCE! Don’t steal bars!”) Jesus conjured a stage for her to dance on. Tearing off her dress to reveal a skimpy, sparkly outfit underneath, Titsy put on the greatest fan-dancing show of her life. Trapper Jean arrived and was awestruck by the spectacle. Jean was now even more turned on than he was by the catfight. Jesus suggested that Jean become Titsy’s manager and lead her to stardom, using his cunning for good instead of evil. Constance entered, and Titsy tearfully urged Jean to shoot her. Jesus attempted to make peace, but Jean refused to listen. Jean explained that he did not believe in Jesus, so Jesus had no power over him. In response, Jesus proved his power by bringing Jean’s skunk-skin cap back to life. The enraged skunk attacked Jean.
Later that day, the St. Jubal’s Day parade finally got underway. Madeline and Will rode their float, while Ass Masterson and Constance dragged Jean’s body through the street. Jesus noted that Jean’s death was putting a damper on the festivities. Titsy tearfully cried that Jesus had killed Jean, but Jesus protested that Jean’s death was the skunk’s doing. Roswell Diabolicus urged Madeline to arrest Jesus for murder. Madeline didn’t want to arrest the Savior, but Jesus told her that He’d accepted His fate. Suddenly, Roswell shouted “Happy St. Jubal’s Day!” Roswell and Ass hadn’t forgiven each other after all…it was just a prank to get Jesus to heal Roswell. What’s more, Trapper Jean was all right…he’d only been playing dead as his own prank, and Jesus had fallen for it completely! Everybody laughed, and Jesus declared this to be the greatest St. Jubal’s Day ever.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Season 5, Episode 21: The Devil Went Down to Georgia
Episode 21: The Devil Went Down to Georgia
As a snowstorm raged outside, Sheriff Madeline Clementine read her father’s journal. Sensing she was troubled, Jesus Christ paid her a visit. She admitted that she was puzzled by the journal’s revelation that there is “another Clementine.” She was both thrilled and apprehensive about the possibility of having a long-lost sibling. She explained that, since she grew up with three brothers (now sheriffs in other towns) and without a mother, she grew up without any feminine influence and had to learn ladylike behavior from magazines. Jesus speculated that the “other Clementine” might refer to Madeline’s true inner self.
Since Will McGotnuthin hadn’t gotten back from Cumming yet, Titsy McJugpuddles was teaching the children about female anatomy. As she dismissed class due to the snowstorm, Trapper Jean strutted in, filled with renewed self-confidence. Titsy told Jean that she was not a one-man woman, but Jean replied that he could be more than one man if she wanted. Titsy pressured Jean to get her the saloon so that she could turn it into a man-dancing emporium and shopping center.
Ass Masterson wandered back into town. As Constance led him to his room at the hotel, Ass told her his life story. Years ago, Ass’ father gave his sheriff’s badge to his only daughter, causing his sons to split up. Ass wandered out into the desert, stripped off his clothes and dug himself a hole…but now he’s come out of the hole and come back to town. Constance was slightly disconcerted by Masterson’s bare-assed nature, but decided to overlook it. She told Ass that she’d just gotten a brand new vagina that “hadn’t been opened yet.” He offered to help her unwrap that present.
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus huddled against the cold. Suddenly, he was struck by an inspiration: By firing the Rhode Island Cannon at Florida and setting the state ablaze, the northbound winds would carry the warmth to him. Roswell did so, gleefully listening to the destruction of Florida.
Hewitt P. Quagmire went to see Trapper Jean in the mayor’s office. Jean begged for more of Quagmire’s miraculous elixir, which looked different this time. (“It looks different EVERY time!”) Quagmire warned him that the elixir had a new price: someday, Quagmire will ask a favor, and Jean must do as he asks. (“Think of the multiple plot points I can set up.”) Jean accepted.
At the bar, Constance was stocking up in a snowstorm panic when Madeline arrived, followed shortly by Ass Masterson. Madeline and Ass recognized each other as their long-lost siblings, and they had a heartfelt reunion. Ass confessed that he blamed himself for their father’s death. Their daddy was not killed in a vicious slapfight, as Madeline always believed. What actually happened was that Roswell Diabolicus blew up the carriage that Ass was supposed to be coming home in, and their father witnessed the explosion and had a heart attack. Madeline reassured Ass that their daddy’s death wasn’t Ass’ fault. Madeline swore revenge on Roswell, and this time she REALLY meant it.
Basking in the heat from the Great Florida Fire, Roswell Diabolicus checked the synopsis writer’s notes to find out what was going on elsewhere in town. So, when Madeline arrived, he was ready for her. She confronted him about his part in her father’s death, and he admitted it. (“To you, it was a tragic event…to me, it was Tuesday.”) Madeline and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.
Hewitt P. Quagmire strolled along the beach that had formed since Florida’s destruction. Jesus Christ walked by and healed a fallen palm tree. Jesus complimented Quagmire on his hairstyle.
QUAGMIRE: “My hair is like my life…full and sexy in the front, short and wanting in the back.”
Quagmire offered Jesus a sample of his formula. Taking a sniff, Jesus remarked that the elixir smelled of sulfur, death, and darkness…but he took a swig anyway. Jesus’ stigmata suddenly healed, but his memory started fading away.
Titsy McJugpuddles proudly surveyed her new saloon, since Trapper Jean had turned it over to her. Wandering troubadour Slim Talley entered, looking for a job as Titsy’s musical accompaniment. He auditioned by playing a flamenco number while Titsy danced. She agreed to hire him if he didn’t reveal the secret of her fake breasts. The scene was interrupted by Trapper Jean’s handsomeness.
Roswell Diabolicus limped his way over to Ass Masterson, blaming him for his disfiguring injury. (“The heat from the bullet permanently fused my hand to my foot!”) Ass told Roswell that, unless he found the strength to rip his hand free, Roswell was going to die. Roswell demanded that Ass apologize for getting him into this predicament, and Ass started laughing hysterically until Roswell pulled out his gun. Ass and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.
Drifting in and out of amnesia, Jesus Christ wandered the streets of Little One Point in a daze. His Father and the Holy Spirit (also known as Percy) warned Jesus that Hewitt P. Quagmire was “the man of a thousand lies.” (“Lon Chaney?”) Quagmire arrived and admitted that he was, in fact, Satan. Quagmire bragged that this sinful city had strengthened him even as it weakened Jesus. Undaunted, Jesus challenged Quagmire to a slapfight. If Quagmire wins, Atlanta would be his. If Jesus wins, Quagmire would flee to Austin, Texas. The fight began, and Jesus easily defeated Quagmire. Slim Talley entered and sang a song about Jesus’ triumph. (“Well, the devil bowed his head ’cause he knew that he’d been beat…”)
TO BE CONTINUED…
As a snowstorm raged outside, Sheriff Madeline Clementine read her father’s journal. Sensing she was troubled, Jesus Christ paid her a visit. She admitted that she was puzzled by the journal’s revelation that there is “another Clementine.” She was both thrilled and apprehensive about the possibility of having a long-lost sibling. She explained that, since she grew up with three brothers (now sheriffs in other towns) and without a mother, she grew up without any feminine influence and had to learn ladylike behavior from magazines. Jesus speculated that the “other Clementine” might refer to Madeline’s true inner self.
Since Will McGotnuthin hadn’t gotten back from Cumming yet, Titsy McJugpuddles was teaching the children about female anatomy. As she dismissed class due to the snowstorm, Trapper Jean strutted in, filled with renewed self-confidence. Titsy told Jean that she was not a one-man woman, but Jean replied that he could be more than one man if she wanted. Titsy pressured Jean to get her the saloon so that she could turn it into a man-dancing emporium and shopping center.
Ass Masterson wandered back into town. As Constance led him to his room at the hotel, Ass told her his life story. Years ago, Ass’ father gave his sheriff’s badge to his only daughter, causing his sons to split up. Ass wandered out into the desert, stripped off his clothes and dug himself a hole…but now he’s come out of the hole and come back to town. Constance was slightly disconcerted by Masterson’s bare-assed nature, but decided to overlook it. She told Ass that she’d just gotten a brand new vagina that “hadn’t been opened yet.” He offered to help her unwrap that present.
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus huddled against the cold. Suddenly, he was struck by an inspiration: By firing the Rhode Island Cannon at Florida and setting the state ablaze, the northbound winds would carry the warmth to him. Roswell did so, gleefully listening to the destruction of Florida.
Hewitt P. Quagmire went to see Trapper Jean in the mayor’s office. Jean begged for more of Quagmire’s miraculous elixir, which looked different this time. (“It looks different EVERY time!”) Quagmire warned him that the elixir had a new price: someday, Quagmire will ask a favor, and Jean must do as he asks. (“Think of the multiple plot points I can set up.”) Jean accepted.
At the bar, Constance was stocking up in a snowstorm panic when Madeline arrived, followed shortly by Ass Masterson. Madeline and Ass recognized each other as their long-lost siblings, and they had a heartfelt reunion. Ass confessed that he blamed himself for their father’s death. Their daddy was not killed in a vicious slapfight, as Madeline always believed. What actually happened was that Roswell Diabolicus blew up the carriage that Ass was supposed to be coming home in, and their father witnessed the explosion and had a heart attack. Madeline reassured Ass that their daddy’s death wasn’t Ass’ fault. Madeline swore revenge on Roswell, and this time she REALLY meant it.
Basking in the heat from the Great Florida Fire, Roswell Diabolicus checked the synopsis writer’s notes to find out what was going on elsewhere in town. So, when Madeline arrived, he was ready for her. She confronted him about his part in her father’s death, and he admitted it. (“To you, it was a tragic event…to me, it was Tuesday.”) Madeline and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.
Hewitt P. Quagmire strolled along the beach that had formed since Florida’s destruction. Jesus Christ walked by and healed a fallen palm tree. Jesus complimented Quagmire on his hairstyle.
QUAGMIRE: “My hair is like my life…full and sexy in the front, short and wanting in the back.”
Quagmire offered Jesus a sample of his formula. Taking a sniff, Jesus remarked that the elixir smelled of sulfur, death, and darkness…but he took a swig anyway. Jesus’ stigmata suddenly healed, but his memory started fading away.
Titsy McJugpuddles proudly surveyed her new saloon, since Trapper Jean had turned it over to her. Wandering troubadour Slim Talley entered, looking for a job as Titsy’s musical accompaniment. He auditioned by playing a flamenco number while Titsy danced. She agreed to hire him if he didn’t reveal the secret of her fake breasts. The scene was interrupted by Trapper Jean’s handsomeness.
Roswell Diabolicus limped his way over to Ass Masterson, blaming him for his disfiguring injury. (“The heat from the bullet permanently fused my hand to my foot!”) Ass told Roswell that, unless he found the strength to rip his hand free, Roswell was going to die. Roswell demanded that Ass apologize for getting him into this predicament, and Ass started laughing hysterically until Roswell pulled out his gun. Ass and Roswell started shooting it out, and eventually both lay motionless on the floor.
Drifting in and out of amnesia, Jesus Christ wandered the streets of Little One Point in a daze. His Father and the Holy Spirit (also known as Percy) warned Jesus that Hewitt P. Quagmire was “the man of a thousand lies.” (“Lon Chaney?”) Quagmire arrived and admitted that he was, in fact, Satan. Quagmire bragged that this sinful city had strengthened him even as it weakened Jesus. Undaunted, Jesus challenged Quagmire to a slapfight. If Quagmire wins, Atlanta would be his. If Jesus wins, Quagmire would flee to Austin, Texas. The fight began, and Jesus easily defeated Quagmire. Slim Talley entered and sang a song about Jesus’ triumph. (“Well, the devil bowed his head ’cause he knew that he’d been beat…”)
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Season 5, Episode 20: Quagmire's Miracle Elixir
Episode 20: Quagmire’s Miracle Elixir
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was going over some paperwork when self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean entered, distraught over Titsy McJugpuddles’ walking out on him.
MADELINE: “If you hadn’t treated me as shabbily as that woman treated you, you might find some sympathy here.”
Jean wanted to declare Tuesdays “Titsy McJugpuddles Day” to win her back, but Madeline advised him that desperation and pity wouldn’t get her…self-confidence would. Jean tried to put on his old brave face, but couldn’t.
Jesus Christ came back to town to help Constance take care of the baby. Constance confessed that she couldn’t handle the stress of parenthood, but mentioned that she’d invented a new kind of baby food by grinding peanuts into a butter-like consistency (and that she’d sent the recipe to her friend George Washington Carver). Constance cried that she wanted to put her vagina back in and start enjoying herself again. Jesus advised her to be true to herself and do what was best for her.
Titsy McJugpuddles went to the schoolhouse as class let out. She explained to Will that she wanted to resume her education and needed a tutor. Will showed her the Book of Knowledge, and she flirtatiously asked him to read the definition of “pleasure.” Too distracted to teach, Will told Titsy that she was “carbonating his hormones,” then invited her out. Titsy replied that they could just stay in instead.
Traveling medicine-show salesman Hewitt P. Quagmire walked into town and entered the general store. Meeting Roswell Diabolicus, Hewitt diagnosed him with artichoke lips and pelican skin, then recommended Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment as treatment. Hewitt offered him a free sample sip, though the price would be jacked up considerably after that. Roswell took a sip, then collapsed behind the counter, gasping. Seconds later, Roswell re-emerged…young, beardless, and prepared to pay any price for more ointment.
Madeline Clementine and Will McGotnuthin took off on the road to Cumming, in search of Madeline’s father’s journal. After singing a trail song, they stopped to rest. The horses whined until Will whipped his into submission. Madeline tried to tell Will about her attraction to him, but the conversation kept getting disrupted by the distracting noise of furry-headed crickets.
Constance Snell went to Castle Gayskull to try to get child-support payments from Roswell Diabolicus. Constance was very surprised when the now-youthful Roswell opened the door. He explained that his miraculous transformation wasn’t brought on by any of his own experiments, but by Hewitt P. Quagmire’s elixir. Constance was so awestruck that she almost forgot why she came in the first place. As she asked for money, Roswell suddenly started aging again and pooped his pants.
At the bar, Titsy McJugpuddle met Jesus and introduced herself as the town’s new erotic fan-dancer. Jesus reminisced about his friend John, whose head was cut off by an erotic dancer. Titsy demonstrated her dance moves. Jesus observed that her dance would probably be more effective if she actually took some clothes off. He advised her that her dance shouldn’t be about what she thinks men want, but about what makes her feel good.
Constance Snell was tending bar and playing with the baby when Hewitt P. Quagmire entered. Remembering Roswell’s transformation, Constance gave him a drink on the house and offered him a free room in exchange for Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment. After Constance took a sip, her hair suddenly became shorter and less brassy. She then gave a sip to the baby, who started speaking in an urbane, vaguely European accent. The baby offered to take care of the saloon while Constance and Hewitt went out together.
Back at Castle Gayskull, Roswell’s bushy eyebrows had grown back as the formula slowly wore off (though his beard hadn’t come back yet). Trapper Jean came to the castle to ask Roswell’s advice on restoring his self-confidence. Roswell reminded Jean of his prowess in killing animals, and Jean proudly reminisced about some of his favorite kills…Mr. Toesy the bobcat, Robespierre the ferret, Hop Hop the mayor… Jean’s happy memories prompted Roswell to recall some of his own evil deeds, including the plan to destroy the world with the Rhode Island Cannon.
Will and Madeline arrived in Cumming. Consulting the map Hop Hop had left them, they soon found her father’s journal. Inside, they found her father’s last letter to Madeline. He wrote that he had found gold and was afraid for his life, and that he planned on appointing his daughter as his successor. Madeline was thrilled to learn that her father’s dying act, pinning his badge on her, was a deliberate choice and not a confused, delirious mistake. The letter revealed that there was one other Clementine child that she didn’t know about. Unfortunately, Madeline’s father was interrupted and killed before he could finish the letter and reveal the secret. Awestruck, Madeline vowed to set out and discover her lost sibling. Will promised to accompany her, and demonstrated his devotion by giving her a furry-headed cricket as a pet.
That night, at the bar, the whole town had gathered to see Titsy McJugpuddles’ debut performance. Trapper Jean had dressed up for the occasion in his Foreign Legion uniform. As Titsy danced, Hewitt P. Quagmire offered Jean a sip of Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment to cure his heartbreak and restore his confidence. Revitalized, Jean strode forward and started dancing with Titsy.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sheriff Madeline Clementine was going over some paperwork when self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean entered, distraught over Titsy McJugpuddles’ walking out on him.
MADELINE: “If you hadn’t treated me as shabbily as that woman treated you, you might find some sympathy here.”
Jean wanted to declare Tuesdays “Titsy McJugpuddles Day” to win her back, but Madeline advised him that desperation and pity wouldn’t get her…self-confidence would. Jean tried to put on his old brave face, but couldn’t.
Jesus Christ came back to town to help Constance take care of the baby. Constance confessed that she couldn’t handle the stress of parenthood, but mentioned that she’d invented a new kind of baby food by grinding peanuts into a butter-like consistency (and that she’d sent the recipe to her friend George Washington Carver). Constance cried that she wanted to put her vagina back in and start enjoying herself again. Jesus advised her to be true to herself and do what was best for her.
Titsy McJugpuddles went to the schoolhouse as class let out. She explained to Will that she wanted to resume her education and needed a tutor. Will showed her the Book of Knowledge, and she flirtatiously asked him to read the definition of “pleasure.” Too distracted to teach, Will told Titsy that she was “carbonating his hormones,” then invited her out. Titsy replied that they could just stay in instead.
Traveling medicine-show salesman Hewitt P. Quagmire walked into town and entered the general store. Meeting Roswell Diabolicus, Hewitt diagnosed him with artichoke lips and pelican skin, then recommended Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment as treatment. Hewitt offered him a free sample sip, though the price would be jacked up considerably after that. Roswell took a sip, then collapsed behind the counter, gasping. Seconds later, Roswell re-emerged…young, beardless, and prepared to pay any price for more ointment.
Madeline Clementine and Will McGotnuthin took off on the road to Cumming, in search of Madeline’s father’s journal. After singing a trail song, they stopped to rest. The horses whined until Will whipped his into submission. Madeline tried to tell Will about her attraction to him, but the conversation kept getting disrupted by the distracting noise of furry-headed crickets.
Constance Snell went to Castle Gayskull to try to get child-support payments from Roswell Diabolicus. Constance was very surprised when the now-youthful Roswell opened the door. He explained that his miraculous transformation wasn’t brought on by any of his own experiments, but by Hewitt P. Quagmire’s elixir. Constance was so awestruck that she almost forgot why she came in the first place. As she asked for money, Roswell suddenly started aging again and pooped his pants.
At the bar, Titsy McJugpuddle met Jesus and introduced herself as the town’s new erotic fan-dancer. Jesus reminisced about his friend John, whose head was cut off by an erotic dancer. Titsy demonstrated her dance moves. Jesus observed that her dance would probably be more effective if she actually took some clothes off. He advised her that her dance shouldn’t be about what she thinks men want, but about what makes her feel good.
Constance Snell was tending bar and playing with the baby when Hewitt P. Quagmire entered. Remembering Roswell’s transformation, Constance gave him a drink on the house and offered him a free room in exchange for Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment. After Constance took a sip, her hair suddenly became shorter and less brassy. She then gave a sip to the baby, who started speaking in an urbane, vaguely European accent. The baby offered to take care of the saloon while Constance and Hewitt went out together.
Back at Castle Gayskull, Roswell’s bushy eyebrows had grown back as the formula slowly wore off (though his beard hadn’t come back yet). Trapper Jean came to the castle to ask Roswell’s advice on restoring his self-confidence. Roswell reminded Jean of his prowess in killing animals, and Jean proudly reminisced about some of his favorite kills…Mr. Toesy the bobcat, Robespierre the ferret, Hop Hop the mayor… Jean’s happy memories prompted Roswell to recall some of his own evil deeds, including the plan to destroy the world with the Rhode Island Cannon.
Will and Madeline arrived in Cumming. Consulting the map Hop Hop had left them, they soon found her father’s journal. Inside, they found her father’s last letter to Madeline. He wrote that he had found gold and was afraid for his life, and that he planned on appointing his daughter as his successor. Madeline was thrilled to learn that her father’s dying act, pinning his badge on her, was a deliberate choice and not a confused, delirious mistake. The letter revealed that there was one other Clementine child that she didn’t know about. Unfortunately, Madeline’s father was interrupted and killed before he could finish the letter and reveal the secret. Awestruck, Madeline vowed to set out and discover her lost sibling. Will promised to accompany her, and demonstrated his devotion by giving her a furry-headed cricket as a pet.
That night, at the bar, the whole town had gathered to see Titsy McJugpuddles’ debut performance. Trapper Jean had dressed up for the occasion in his Foreign Legion uniform. As Titsy danced, Hewitt P. Quagmire offered Jean a sip of Quagmire’s Snakeskin Ointment to cure his heartbreak and restore his confidence. Revitalized, Jean strode forward and started dancing with Titsy.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Season 5, Episode 18: Another Day, Another Shooting
Episode 18: Another Day, Another Shooting
Constance was cleaning up the bar with her new invention, something she called “paper towels.” Jesus Christ entered and ordered a glass of water, which he immediately turned into wine. Realizing that she was in the presence of the savior, Constance fell at his feet. Constance told Jesus that she has no longer whoring since she removed her vagina. Jesus replied that he didn’t object to her former profession, reminding her that his girlfriend was a whore. Jesus then asked her to think about the child she conceived with Brigham Young. Constance admitted that she didn’t feel any connection to it, since Roswell Diabolicus had actually carried and given birth to the child. Jesus urged Constance to get the baby back and find that connection.
Brigham Young had just finished putting metal plates in the street (as part of Roswell’s diabolical invention “traffic”), when Judge X walked by. Judge X explained that he was aiming to take down Will McGotnuthin. However, being bound by the law, Judge X couldn’t take action unless Will actually broke the law. Brigham suggested provoking a duel with Will, so that Judge X could shoot Will after Will shoots Brigham.
Having previously taken over the mayor’s office, Trapper Jean expanded his power base by claiming the general store. Roswell Diabolicus arrived and accused Jean of betraying their alliance by moving in on Roswell’s territory. Jean explained that he was upset and neglected because they weren’t spending any quality evil time together. Suddenly, the mysterious stranger entered, and Roswell recognized him as his old arch-nemesis, Ass Masterson! Roswell had thought Ass had died years ago in a carriage explosion, but Ass replied that he had missed that carriage. Jean desperately demanded to know who really died in that explosion.
Will was teaching class, as Judge X watched through a hole in the wall. Trapper Jean strolled by and told Judge X that he was peeking through the wrong wall to see the boys’ locker room. Inside, Madeline entered to discuss the Judge X situation with Will. Madeline resented the Judge coming into town and overriding her authority. Will replied that she didn’t need to worry about Judge X. (MADELINE: “I wasn’t worried, I was getting ready to kick ass!”) Will explained that he was leaving town so that Judge X would leave Little One Point alone. Outside, Constance walked by and informed Judge X that word was getting around about his peeping-tom ways.
Constance was sitting around at home, singing “Happy Birthday” to herself. Brigham entered, and Constance told him about Jesus’ admonition to get the baby back from Roswell Diabolicus. Brigham revealed that he’d been thinking the same thing, and showed her the birthday present he’d brought…a little purple cowboy outfit for the baby. Brigham explained that he’d joined Roswell to dull the pain of his broken heart, but that he now realized he needed his child. He told her that they should raise the baby together and let it know both its parents…at least until Brigham leaves for Utah.
Trapper Jean continued to expand his empire by claiming the jail. Madeline entered and told him he couldn’t just waltz in and take things over. When Jean mockingly asked what she was going to do about it, she responded by locking him up.
Judge X followed relentlessly as Will went about his daily routine: the ice cream store, the dog track, the methadone clinic…
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was bonding with the baby when Constance arrived, on the pretext of showing Roswell her new invention. As she explained the concept of “paper towels,” Roswell pointed out how wasteful her invention was. Suddenly, Roswell realized that the potential damage to the environment would make Constance’s invention a great tool for evil. Roswell gave Constance a hug to congratulate her, and Constance took advantage of the distraction to snatch the baby.
Brigham Young was at the bar, all set to say his farewells to the town…except nobody was there to hear him. Jesus Christ entered and revealed his identity to Brigham. Brigham was still reeling from this revelation when Jesus explained that Brigham was chosen to be a prophet as well. Brigham confessed that his faith had been shaky recently. He used to talk to God constantly, but hadn’t heard from Him since Brigham started his relationship with Red Clay (a relationship now referred to as “the unpleasantness”). Jesus told Brigham that God still had a place in His heart for Brigham, and that Brigham still had a destiny to fulfill. Moved by Jesus’ words (especially after Jesus told him he’d be able to marry as many broads as he wanted), Brigham resolved to go to Utah and found the Mormons.
Now that Constance had taken the baby away, Roswell Diabolicus was freaking out. Since he couldn’t use the baby’s divine powers to conquer the world, Roswell resolved to destroy the world instead. Gloating maniacally to himself, Roswell recalled that, back when he was hopped up on caffeine from Constance-Cola, he managed to construct his greatest weapon: The Rhode Island Cannon (as mentioned in the first two episodes, and completely forgotten since then). With a cannon capable of firing Rhode Island-sized cannonballs, he would only need 500 shots to destroy all the land mass on Earth. Roswell laughed diabolically.
Judge X was sleeping when Will McGotnuthin snuck into his room, cracking his whip to wake the Judge. Judge X was thrilled that Will, by breaking & entering, had finally given the Judge an excuse to put him away. Will replied that the Judge couldn’t put him away if he was dead…then threatened to hang himself with his whip.
JUDGE X: “No! Don’t throw it all away now! You’ve got many years ahead of you behind bars.”
Will realized that killing Judge X would be more beneficial than killing himself. Judge X warned Will that if he killed him, it only meant that Judge XI would take over the job, then Judge XII, then back again to Judge I, and so on. Suddenly, Brigham Young entered and pulled a gun on Judge X. Brigham explained that he realized that Will had turned his life around, and he couldn’t let Will throw his new life away. Since Brigham was leaving town anyway, he might as well take the heat off Will. With that, Brigham shot Judge X.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Constance was cleaning up the bar with her new invention, something she called “paper towels.” Jesus Christ entered and ordered a glass of water, which he immediately turned into wine. Realizing that she was in the presence of the savior, Constance fell at his feet. Constance told Jesus that she has no longer whoring since she removed her vagina. Jesus replied that he didn’t object to her former profession, reminding her that his girlfriend was a whore. Jesus then asked her to think about the child she conceived with Brigham Young. Constance admitted that she didn’t feel any connection to it, since Roswell Diabolicus had actually carried and given birth to the child. Jesus urged Constance to get the baby back and find that connection.
Brigham Young had just finished putting metal plates in the street (as part of Roswell’s diabolical invention “traffic”), when Judge X walked by. Judge X explained that he was aiming to take down Will McGotnuthin. However, being bound by the law, Judge X couldn’t take action unless Will actually broke the law. Brigham suggested provoking a duel with Will, so that Judge X could shoot Will after Will shoots Brigham.
Having previously taken over the mayor’s office, Trapper Jean expanded his power base by claiming the general store. Roswell Diabolicus arrived and accused Jean of betraying their alliance by moving in on Roswell’s territory. Jean explained that he was upset and neglected because they weren’t spending any quality evil time together. Suddenly, the mysterious stranger entered, and Roswell recognized him as his old arch-nemesis, Ass Masterson! Roswell had thought Ass had died years ago in a carriage explosion, but Ass replied that he had missed that carriage. Jean desperately demanded to know who really died in that explosion.
Will was teaching class, as Judge X watched through a hole in the wall. Trapper Jean strolled by and told Judge X that he was peeking through the wrong wall to see the boys’ locker room. Inside, Madeline entered to discuss the Judge X situation with Will. Madeline resented the Judge coming into town and overriding her authority. Will replied that she didn’t need to worry about Judge X. (MADELINE: “I wasn’t worried, I was getting ready to kick ass!”) Will explained that he was leaving town so that Judge X would leave Little One Point alone. Outside, Constance walked by and informed Judge X that word was getting around about his peeping-tom ways.
Constance was sitting around at home, singing “Happy Birthday” to herself. Brigham entered, and Constance told him about Jesus’ admonition to get the baby back from Roswell Diabolicus. Brigham revealed that he’d been thinking the same thing, and showed her the birthday present he’d brought…a little purple cowboy outfit for the baby. Brigham explained that he’d joined Roswell to dull the pain of his broken heart, but that he now realized he needed his child. He told her that they should raise the baby together and let it know both its parents…at least until Brigham leaves for Utah.
Trapper Jean continued to expand his empire by claiming the jail. Madeline entered and told him he couldn’t just waltz in and take things over. When Jean mockingly asked what she was going to do about it, she responded by locking him up.
Judge X followed relentlessly as Will went about his daily routine: the ice cream store, the dog track, the methadone clinic…
At Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus was bonding with the baby when Constance arrived, on the pretext of showing Roswell her new invention. As she explained the concept of “paper towels,” Roswell pointed out how wasteful her invention was. Suddenly, Roswell realized that the potential damage to the environment would make Constance’s invention a great tool for evil. Roswell gave Constance a hug to congratulate her, and Constance took advantage of the distraction to snatch the baby.
Brigham Young was at the bar, all set to say his farewells to the town…except nobody was there to hear him. Jesus Christ entered and revealed his identity to Brigham. Brigham was still reeling from this revelation when Jesus explained that Brigham was chosen to be a prophet as well. Brigham confessed that his faith had been shaky recently. He used to talk to God constantly, but hadn’t heard from Him since Brigham started his relationship with Red Clay (a relationship now referred to as “the unpleasantness”). Jesus told Brigham that God still had a place in His heart for Brigham, and that Brigham still had a destiny to fulfill. Moved by Jesus’ words (especially after Jesus told him he’d be able to marry as many broads as he wanted), Brigham resolved to go to Utah and found the Mormons.
Now that Constance had taken the baby away, Roswell Diabolicus was freaking out. Since he couldn’t use the baby’s divine powers to conquer the world, Roswell resolved to destroy the world instead. Gloating maniacally to himself, Roswell recalled that, back when he was hopped up on caffeine from Constance-Cola, he managed to construct his greatest weapon: The Rhode Island Cannon (as mentioned in the first two episodes, and completely forgotten since then). With a cannon capable of firing Rhode Island-sized cannonballs, he would only need 500 shots to destroy all the land mass on Earth. Roswell laughed diabolically.
Judge X was sleeping when Will McGotnuthin snuck into his room, cracking his whip to wake the Judge. Judge X was thrilled that Will, by breaking & entering, had finally given the Judge an excuse to put him away. Will replied that the Judge couldn’t put him away if he was dead…then threatened to hang himself with his whip.
JUDGE X: “No! Don’t throw it all away now! You’ve got many years ahead of you behind bars.”
Will realized that killing Judge X would be more beneficial than killing himself. Judge X warned Will that if he killed him, it only meant that Judge XI would take over the job, then Judge XII, then back again to Judge I, and so on. Suddenly, Brigham Young entered and pulled a gun on Judge X. Brigham explained that he realized that Will had turned his life around, and he couldn’t let Will throw his new life away. Since Brigham was leaving town anyway, he might as well take the heat off Will. With that, Brigham shot Judge X.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Season 5, Episode 17: And There Shall Come a Savior
Episode 17: And There Shall Come a Savior
Having killed Hop Hop and disposed of the body, self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean was going over some paperwork in his office. Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived, looking for Hop Hop. Jean told her that Hop Hop had traveled further West to pursue his destiny. This explanation surprised Madeline, since she couldn’t imagine Hop Hop leaving so soon after starting his theater. Madeline was equally puzzled by the fact that Jean had declared himself mayor. She suggested that perhaps the mayor should be chosen by election, but then realized that was just foolish talk.
Constance was tending bar when the mysterious Judge X entered, searching for Will McGotnuthin. He explained that he was the tenth in a posse of the twelve toughest judges in the West, scouring the land to hunt down the country’s most notorious outlaws. Constance couldn’t believe that Will was a wanted man.
Roswell was singing “Rock-a-Bye Baby” to Brigham Young’s baby, which he had kidnapped in utero and given birth to himself. Brigham entered with a delivery of baby supplies from the general store. Since Brigham had lost the love of his life when he was forced to kill Red Clay, Brigham explained that he had nothing left to lose by joining Roswell. If joining the forces of evil was the price of being with his son, then so be it. Eagerly accepting his new ally, Roswell explained his latest evil plan…a new concept he called “traffic.”
Will McGotnuthin was teaching a French lesson when a mysterious heavenly music resounded through the room. Immediately afterwards, Jesus Christ entered. Not realizing the visitor’s identity, Will was initially hostile towards the stranger, but warmed up when Jesus spoke approvingly of the Montessori system. Will and Jesus came up with an idea of teaching lessons through metaphorical stories with animals. As an example, Jesus told a story involving a pair of bulls.
Judge X paid a visit to the mayor’s office, still searching for Will. Remembering the legend of the Twelve Judges, Jean was intimidated, but still told Judge X that he believed that Will was a changed man.
JUDGE X: “A horse doesn’t change its spots…unless you paint it.”
JEAN: “But zat is a horse of a different color.”
At high noon, a mysterious stranger arrived in Little One Point…a stranger wearing seatless pants, with the words “Love” and “Hate” tattooed on his cheeks.
Constance was napping in her room when Roswell Diabolicus entered and woke her up. Roswell explained that he needed her advice on taking care of the baby. He offered to return Constance’s reproductive system, since he was done with it now. However, since Constance had removed Roswell’s vagina (which he had switched with hers), she was now completely genital-free, and happy that way. She explained that it would be a lot easier for her to quit whoring now that she didn’t have a vagina. (Roswell’s response: “You’ve still got a mouth!”)
After launching Roswell’s evil “traffic” plan by filling the streets with carriages, holes, and metal plates, Brigham Young paid a visit to Red Clay’s campfire to mourn his loss. Jesus arrived (introducing himself as “Jessie Christianson”) and tried to make Brigham realize that he hadn’t yet lost EVERYTHING. Jesus told Brigham that he still had that joy deep inside his heart, but Brigham replied that he wanted to kill that joy, so it wouldn’t hurt him anymore. Jesus assured Brigham that he was still on the right path. Jesus touched Brigham’s forehead, and Brigham suddenly realized that he WASN’T supposed to go to Iowa (“NOBODY should go to Iowa!”).
Trying to figure out what to do about Trapper Jean’s seizing power, Madeline thought back over the town’s history. She realized that, if she could find the town charter, she’d learn how to take over the town herself and run it HER way…with lots of shops.
Trapper Jean was at the bar when the mysterious bare-assed stranger arrived. They shared a drink, and the stranger asked Jean if he was truly happy. Jean suddenly realized just how empty his life was. (“It is like you are reaching inside my brain and reading it like some kind of brain-book!”) The stranger explained that he had grown up in Little One Point, but it was even smaller then. At this point, Jean finally saw the stranger’s pantslessness and exclaimed “Jesus Christ!” Hearing his name, Jesus rushed in.
Will McGotnuthin was going over the lesson plans when Judge X entered. Judge X explained that he’d had a hard time finding him, thanks to Will’s clever disguise of changing the pronunciation (though not the spelling) of his name. Will recognized Judge X as the man who had sent Will’s sisters to jail. Will informed the judge that he had changed his ways and was on the straight and narrow. Judge X warned Will that he was watching and waiting for Will to make just one little misstep. Judge X “tested” Will by dropping a ten-dollar bill on the floor and waiting for him to steal it. When one of Will’s students picked it up instead, the judge whacked little Timmy with his gavel.
Roswell Diabolicus was doing some housework with Brigham’s baby when Jesus entered. Facing his arch-nemesis, Roswell bragged that neither Jesus nor his father had been able to stop his evil plans to date. Jesus told Roswell that there was still hope for him to find the path of righteousness. After all, if Roswell were truly as evil as he claimed, he would have simply smashed the baby’s skull. Roswell replied that he HAD tried that, but the baby was invulnerable. Roswell demonstrated with some wrestling moves.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Having killed Hop Hop and disposed of the body, self-appointed Mayor Trapper Jean was going over some paperwork in his office. Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived, looking for Hop Hop. Jean told her that Hop Hop had traveled further West to pursue his destiny. This explanation surprised Madeline, since she couldn’t imagine Hop Hop leaving so soon after starting his theater. Madeline was equally puzzled by the fact that Jean had declared himself mayor. She suggested that perhaps the mayor should be chosen by election, but then realized that was just foolish talk.
Constance was tending bar when the mysterious Judge X entered, searching for Will McGotnuthin. He explained that he was the tenth in a posse of the twelve toughest judges in the West, scouring the land to hunt down the country’s most notorious outlaws. Constance couldn’t believe that Will was a wanted man.
Roswell was singing “Rock-a-Bye Baby” to Brigham Young’s baby, which he had kidnapped in utero and given birth to himself. Brigham entered with a delivery of baby supplies from the general store. Since Brigham had lost the love of his life when he was forced to kill Red Clay, Brigham explained that he had nothing left to lose by joining Roswell. If joining the forces of evil was the price of being with his son, then so be it. Eagerly accepting his new ally, Roswell explained his latest evil plan…a new concept he called “traffic.”
Will McGotnuthin was teaching a French lesson when a mysterious heavenly music resounded through the room. Immediately afterwards, Jesus Christ entered. Not realizing the visitor’s identity, Will was initially hostile towards the stranger, but warmed up when Jesus spoke approvingly of the Montessori system. Will and Jesus came up with an idea of teaching lessons through metaphorical stories with animals. As an example, Jesus told a story involving a pair of bulls.
Judge X paid a visit to the mayor’s office, still searching for Will. Remembering the legend of the Twelve Judges, Jean was intimidated, but still told Judge X that he believed that Will was a changed man.
JUDGE X: “A horse doesn’t change its spots…unless you paint it.”
JEAN: “But zat is a horse of a different color.”
At high noon, a mysterious stranger arrived in Little One Point…a stranger wearing seatless pants, with the words “Love” and “Hate” tattooed on his cheeks.
Constance was napping in her room when Roswell Diabolicus entered and woke her up. Roswell explained that he needed her advice on taking care of the baby. He offered to return Constance’s reproductive system, since he was done with it now. However, since Constance had removed Roswell’s vagina (which he had switched with hers), she was now completely genital-free, and happy that way. She explained that it would be a lot easier for her to quit whoring now that she didn’t have a vagina. (Roswell’s response: “You’ve still got a mouth!”)
After launching Roswell’s evil “traffic” plan by filling the streets with carriages, holes, and metal plates, Brigham Young paid a visit to Red Clay’s campfire to mourn his loss. Jesus arrived (introducing himself as “Jessie Christianson”) and tried to make Brigham realize that he hadn’t yet lost EVERYTHING. Jesus told Brigham that he still had that joy deep inside his heart, but Brigham replied that he wanted to kill that joy, so it wouldn’t hurt him anymore. Jesus assured Brigham that he was still on the right path. Jesus touched Brigham’s forehead, and Brigham suddenly realized that he WASN’T supposed to go to Iowa (“NOBODY should go to Iowa!”).
Trying to figure out what to do about Trapper Jean’s seizing power, Madeline thought back over the town’s history. She realized that, if she could find the town charter, she’d learn how to take over the town herself and run it HER way…with lots of shops.
Trapper Jean was at the bar when the mysterious bare-assed stranger arrived. They shared a drink, and the stranger asked Jean if he was truly happy. Jean suddenly realized just how empty his life was. (“It is like you are reaching inside my brain and reading it like some kind of brain-book!”) The stranger explained that he had grown up in Little One Point, but it was even smaller then. At this point, Jean finally saw the stranger’s pantslessness and exclaimed “Jesus Christ!” Hearing his name, Jesus rushed in.
Will McGotnuthin was going over the lesson plans when Judge X entered. Judge X explained that he’d had a hard time finding him, thanks to Will’s clever disguise of changing the pronunciation (though not the spelling) of his name. Will recognized Judge X as the man who had sent Will’s sisters to jail. Will informed the judge that he had changed his ways and was on the straight and narrow. Judge X warned Will that he was watching and waiting for Will to make just one little misstep. Judge X “tested” Will by dropping a ten-dollar bill on the floor and waiting for him to steal it. When one of Will’s students picked it up instead, the judge whacked little Timmy with his gavel.
Roswell Diabolicus was doing some housework with Brigham’s baby when Jesus entered. Facing his arch-nemesis, Roswell bragged that neither Jesus nor his father had been able to stop his evil plans to date. Jesus told Roswell that there was still hope for him to find the path of righteousness. After all, if Roswell were truly as evil as he claimed, he would have simply smashed the baby’s skull. Roswell replied that he HAD tried that, but the baby was invulnerable. Roswell demonstrated with some wrestling moves.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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