Season 6, Episode 20: The Age of Aquilius

Episode 20: The Age of Aquilius

At the Slop Bucket, Eileve had an important revelation for King Plough. Eileve explained that, after he and Chambliss Tucker magically swapped genitals, Eileve became pregnant. What’s more, when Chambliss died, their parts switched back…so now, Eileve would have to deliver his baby through his penis. However, Eileve saw a solution. Using his magical powers, he could take the new life inside him and transfer it to someone unliving…in other words, they could change Baron Üterrüs from an undead lich into a living man, and then kill him. King Plough didn’t like the idea of sacrificing Eileve’s unborn child, even to defeat Üterrüs.

Francis of the Rock People was out in the forest when Friar Kack arrived with terrible news: the people of Kack Island had been wiped out by Baron Üterrüs. Kack pleaded with Francis to protect him…and also to set him up with a woman so that the Kack race could continue.

At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs was slashing prices for his End of Civilization Sale. He gloated about slaughtering the Kacks and stealing the mystical eye of the Dragon God, Püff DeMagik. The peasant Nort entered, and Üterrüs recognized him. Many years past, the Baron explained, he was passing through a village when he encountered a child with great powers of insight. Üterrüs then killed the child’s parents so that the tragedy would make his power even stronger. Using his powers, the vengeful Nort learned the only thing that could destroy the Baron was the legendary Book of Black Souls…the Negronomicon. Üterrüs laughed that no mortal could retrieve the book.

Searching through a cornfield, Eileve encountered the talking Magic Mirror. Eileve explained his dilemma, having to choose between his child’s life and saving the entire kingdom. The Mirror informed him that “The answer is within yourself.”

Francis encountered Tarquin the Gangly, who had degenerated into a rotting zombie after being stabbed by King Plough. Tarquin was puzzled by Francis’ horrified reaction, so Francis showed him a shiny shield so he could see his reflection. Aghast, Tarquin sought advice by contacting the spirit of his father, Magic Jones, but only got a spiritual answering machine.

King Plough was taking inventory of the castle’s weapons rack when he was visited by Aquilius, the barely-clad King of the Sea. Aquilius explained that his daughter Guinevere had come to the surface to retrieve the Dual Sword of Destiny, but when she failed to return, he left the sea to search for her. He found his daughter dead, and no sign of the sword. Plough and Aquilius agreed to join forces and find the sword. Aquilius vowed to destroy the sword with the very hammer he used to forge it. Hearing of Aquilius’ prowess as a smith, Plough asked him to forge a mechanical arm to replace his missing limb.

Walking down the street, Baron Üterrüs met the last remaining Friar Kack and casually killed him.

Nort and Tarquin ran into each other in the cornfield while searching for the Magic Mirror. Nort explained that he needed to go to the 10th level of Hades in order to find the Negronomicon. The Mirror told him that Hades was right in front of his face. Nort and Tarquin looked down and saw the Golden Road to Hell. They joined hands and sang a merry song as they followed the Golden Road. When they arrived at the 10th level, they were greeted by the spirit of Friar Kack, who had been placed in charge of the Negronomicon. Kack offered them a choice of three books: A large bound volume, a clipped-together stack of papers, or a 3x5 index card. If they chose the wrong book, their souls were lost forever. Tarquin contacted the spirit of Magic Jones, who told him “Bigger is better.” They chose the big book, which was indeed the Negronomicon. Friar Kack stamped the enchanted book and told them to bring it back by the 12th.

Eileve was mopping up in the Slop Bucket when Francis came in. Francis told Eileve how much he was looking forward to the birth of their child, but Eileve explained that he was going to sacrifice it to save the kingdom. Francis was stunned. Eileve assured him that the baby would want what was best for everybody…which meant kicking Baron Üterrüs’ ass.

King Plough brought the Magic Mirror to the castle and hung it on the wall. Plough asked if he had what it took to reclaim his throne…and if there were a spell to make his penis bigger.

Aquilius was hammering away at his anvil when Baron Üterrüs entered. Aquilius pointed out that his great-grandfather Kriembak had defeated Üterrüs once before, but the Baron retorted that he returned, slew Kriembak, then made a pun of his name by creaming on his back. The Baron boasted that “in the real world, the bad guys usually win.”

Eileve paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse and explained his situation. Learning that Eileve had inherited some of Magic Jones’ essence and powers, Tarquin asked if Eileve could de-zombify him. Eileve noticed that Tarquin had been gnawing on a human arm…which he recognized as King Plough’s missing limb.

Nort went to Linens Und Thïngs carrying the Negronomicon. Baron Üterrüs pointed out that, since the book was the one thing that could destroy him, bringing it to his headquarters was a very foolish decision indeed.

NORT: “I’m not an educated man…and I’m drunk.”

Nort lamented that he had screwed up once again. The Baron offered him a chance to prove himself on the side of evil. Üterrüs was so confident that Nort would join him that he left the book in Nort’s possession while he considered the offer.

Francis stopped by the workshop and admired Aquilius’ handiwork. Aquilius demonstrated the artificial arm he had created by attaching it to Francis. Francis was thrilled by the experience of having an opposable thumb instead of just a stone fist. Francis asked to keep the arm, but Aquilius replied that it was intended for King Plough. Suddenly, Francis noticed that Aquilius had made a right arm, whereas Plough was missing his left.

King Plough was drinking and reminiscing with the Magic Mirror when Eileve rushed in carrying Plough’s severed arm. Before Eileve could explain, his water broke. Plough rushed to his grandson’s side, but he couldn’t do anything with just one arm. Despite the agonizing labor pains, Eileve managed to cast the spell to restore Plough’s arm. Whole once again, King Plough prepared to deliver the baby.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 19: Everybody Dies...Yet Again

Episode 19: Everybody Dies…Yet Again

Chambliss Tucker met her son Eileve at the Slop Bucket. Eileve observed that Chambliss was more preoccupied with ordering the soup than with the fact that he had saved her by reuniting her head with her body. Chambliss explained that she appreciated his effort, but that the spell had changed something else about her body…she now had a penis. Eileve was horrified to learn that his spell had gone wrong. He checked himself and discovered that he now had a vagina.

After a friendly game of basketsphere with Francis of the Rock People, King Plough complained that, having lost an eye and an arm, he now felt like less than a man. Francis told Plough that Eileve was learning the ways of white magic, and might be able to heal Plough. However, since Eileve was still learning, there might be great danger.

PLOUGH: “Danger is my middle name.”
FRANCIS: “I thought it was Yancy.”
PLOUGH: “You got me.”

Atop Skank Mountain, Baron Üterrüs was giving instructions to his new apprentice, Tarquin the Gangly. He told Tarquin to go back to his treehouse and fetch King Plough’s throne, then divest Plough of his kingly garments and dress him as a peasant, and finally chain him in the dungeon. As Tarquin left, the voice of his late father, Magic Jones, suddenly spoke through him. Jones asked Tarquin to set off the bag of explosives he had left in Üterrüs’ shop.

Chambliss returned to her Lincoln Navigator and found Francis waiting for her. She sat back and started talking sports. Francis could tell she was hiding something. She was reluctant to reveal her secret, but finally sang him a song about her new penis.

King Plough paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Since he had lost his sword, Plough wanted Tarquin to instruct him in the elfin art of archery. Tarquin told him that, in order to learn the bow and arrow, he would need to dress as a peasant and be shackled in a dungeon. Plough accepted Tarquin’s instructions.

Eileve went to Linens Und Thïngs to buy some gingham. As he entered, Baron Üterrüs was puzzled to sense the presence of the god Menstratus. Eileve explained that he had magically swapped genitals with Chambliss, and that he needed some advice. Now that Eileve was female, he was considering a relationship with the one person in town he wasn’t related to…Francis of the Rock People.

Francis was walking through the village when he met a strange peasant, who introduced himself as Nort. When Francis told him about the evil afoot in the kingdom, Nort replied that he had sensed it. Nort explained that he knew all and could foresee the future, although his “prophecy” for Francis was so vague, it could apply to anyone. Nort told Francis that Üterrüs’ power was weakening, and that he knew how to defeat him.

King Plough was waiting without pants in the Dungeon of Filth, wondering when Tarquin would come back to continue the archery lesson. Feeling vulnerable and alone, he concluded that this must be a lesson to teach him the meaning of being a king…he must rely on himself, not hide behind armor and weapons. Suddenly, Baron Üterrüs entered holding the Dual Sword of Destiny. The Baron informed Plough that he had reclaimed what was his…and now had only to take one last thing: Plough’s boxer shorts.

Nort told Eileve and Francis that the secret to defeating Baron Üterrüs was “Simply love.” Taking this as a cue, Eileve asked Francis to be the father of his child. When Francis didn’t understand, Eileve explained that he was now a woman. Francis paused to consider the matter, then immediately agreed.

Tarquin went to the castle and found Chambliss admiring the weapons rack, picking out the most manly bow. She asked where King Plough was, and Tarquin told her that he was in the dungeon. Tarquin suggested that she might want to take her bow and arrows and shoot Plough. He assured her that they were enchanted elfin arrows that wouldn’t actually hurt the king, but would be an amusing practical joke.

Nort released King Plough from the dungeon. Plough told Nort that he needed a weapon to fight Üterrüs, and Nort handed him a feather. (“They do say that the pen is mightier than the sword.”) Impressed by Nort’s wisdom, Plough offered to make the peasant a Duke, or an Earl, or maybe even the Duke of Earl.

Francis and Eileve were engaging in some pillow talk after their encounter. Francis was concerned that things would be weird between them now. They assured each other that this didn’t mean that they were gay, and that they would go back to their old friendship once Eileve got his penis back. Eileve told Francis that soon there would be a new rock person to carry on their line.

FRANCIS: “Not just a rock person, but a rock person/lich person/thief person/elf person/cheetah person/regular person person.”

Chambliss and Baron Üterrüs were walking through the park. The Baron informed her that he had deposed King Plough. If she still wanted to be queen, she would have to marry him. Chambliss refused, having finally had enough of his evil ways. He gave her a choice…be his queen or die. She told him to go ahead and kill her. When he hesitated, she told him to give her the sword. He gave it to her…blade-first.

King Plough and Nort burst into Tarquin’s treehouse. Plough attempted to stab Tarquin with the feather, with less than effective results. Tarquin drew his invisible sword Soulcrusher X and mocked the unarmed Plough. Suddenly, Plough reached behind his back and pulled out a gold dagger, which he had been keeping up his ass ever since he and the dagger’s owner had been prisoners together in Chietnam. Plough lifted his shirt and flashed Tarquin, then stabbed him while he was distracted.

The badly wounded Chambliss was lying in her Lincoln Navigator when Eileve rushed in. Shocked to find his mother in this state, he told her that she had to live to see the birth of her grandchild. He asked who had done this to her, but she “didn’t want to point fingers at anybody tall and evil.” She asked to be buried in the Navigator. Eileve agreed, and she fell silent. Eileve covered her face with Plough’s boxer shorts.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 18: Heads of State

Episode 18: Heads of State

During last week’s battle with the elfin army, King Plough had accidentally decapitated Chambliss Tucker with the Dual Sword of Destiny, but thanks to the sword’s enchanted nature, Chambliss’ head and body were still alive, if separate. Plough promised Chambliss that he would get Magic Jones to put her back together. However, Baron Üterrüs informed the King that Magic Jones was dead, having given his life to save Eileve. Üterrüs suggested that they resort to the dark arts to heal Chambliss.

Tarquin the Gangly was stunned to learn of Magic Jones’ death. Tarquin told Francis that he and Jones were closer than anyone suspected…Jones had recently revealed that he was Tarquin’s father. Learning that Baron Üterrüs was responsible for Jones’ death, Tarquin vowed to kill him with the bag of explosives he had prepared for the elfin invasion. Francis mentioned that the elfin army was all dead as well. Tarquin was stunned…again.

Eileve explained to his grandfather, King Plough, how he had been brought back from death by Jones’ sacrifice. Eileve revealed that, when he was at death’s door, his only thoughts were of Plough.

Tarquin confronted Baron Üterrüs at Linens Und Thïngs. As Tarquin ranted, Üterrüs suggested that Tarquin give in to his rage and use it in the service of darkness. Unable to help himself, Tarquin agreed (in a hypnotized monotone) to do the Baron’s bidding.

Chambliss’ head was sitting in her Lincoln Navigator when a mysterious stranger entered…Lady Guinevere of the Chattahoochee. Guinevere explained that she was a water spirit; her father was an undersea giant and her mother was a catfish. Guinevere told her not to try to visualize how that conception happened, but Chambliss replied that she’d seen stranger things on the internet.

Francis was wandering through the forest when he met Eileve. Eileve explained that, since he came back from death, he now felt purer, wiser, and cleaner. Francis theorized that part of Magic Jones’ essence lived on in Eileve…which meant that they might be able to combat the dark forces in the kingdom. Francis proposed that they kill Baron Üterrüs, but Eileve pointed out that the last time they tried, Üterrüs took Eileve’s soul.

EILEVE: “And as my father, Kalgon, said: Take my soul, you take my hands. Take my hands, you take my craft. Take my craft, you take my soul. Take my soul, you take my hands…”

Three days later, Francis finally interrupted the motto.

Baron Üterrüs and King Plough were drinking at the Slop Bucket. Üterrüs told Plough that he had gathered the ingredients for Chambliss’ necromantic surgery. Plough expressed surprise that Üterrüs was still helping him even after revealing his evil nature.

ÜTERRÜS: “Perhaps even in evil, there can still be friendship. Perhaps. I’m leaving a loophole there.”

Eileve was sitting by a campfire, talking to his dead father Kalgon. Eileve explained that he was trying to honor Kalgon’s memory, and was even taking on his mannerisms. As Eileve lay down to sleep, a voice in the wind whispered “Good night, son.”

Francis visited Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator, only to run off screaming in terror at the sight of her severed head. He eventually came back and apologized for his reaction. He urged Chambliss not to turn to the dark arts to restore herself, but she pointed out that she didn’t have much choice. Francis informed her that he was training Eileve in the ways of white magic, and that they would heal her with goodness. The race was on to see who could restore her first.

Lady Guinevere paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. She revealed that she had not been to Ye Little Points of Five in a long time…not since her wonderful affair with Magic Jones. She explained that, many centuries ago, she emerged from the waters and met a young wizard. (“He made me his scribe…and by scribe, I mean f*ck-toy.”) Tarquin asked whether this affair had produced a child, and she confessed that she was indeed Tarquin’s mother. Tarquin realized that, since his father was a human wizard and his mother was a water spirit, that meant that he had no elfin blood at all. All this time, he’s just been a human/water spirit with freakish ears, living among the elves. No wonder he always felt out of place.

King Plough paid one last visit to Chambliss’ headless body. (“I wanted to tell you a few things I couldn’t tell your ears.”) He told her that, although she was not his first queen, and probably wouldn’t be his last, he considered her his ONLY queen.

Francis was training Eileve by making him chase a chicken, among other unusual methods. When Eileve was able to snatch a cricket from Francis’ hand, they knew he was ready.

Baron Üterrüs and his new apprentice, Tarquin, were gathering ingredients for the necromantic ritual. Üterrüs told Tarquin to drop the hypnotized zombie voice, explaining that evil is more effective when it isn’t so obvious. Üterrüs revealed that he had taken the invisible sword Soulcrusher X from the fallen Keblaar on the battlefield, then handed the weapon to Tarquin. Taruin realized that he could now not only kill his enemies, but suck up the souls that emerge from the body, and grow even more powerful.

King Plough was polishing and admiring the Dual Sword of Destiny when Lady Guinevere entered and introduced herself. She explained that Magic Jones had summoned her with his dying thoughts, telling her to take the Sword of Destiny and return it to the river. Plough refused to give up his weapon, until he heard the voice of Magic Jones repeat the request from beyond (also pointing out that Plough still had a whole rack full of weapons).

Chambliss’ two halves, attended by Tarquin and Francis, were waiting to be healed. Eileve arrived carrying Magic Jones’ staff, and performed the spell to make her whole. Meanwhile, elsewhere, Lady Guinevere was preparing to return the Dual Sword of Destiny to the Chattahoochee, when Baron Üterrüs suddenly arrived and killed her with his “soul kiss.” Chambliss was healed, but Baron Üterrüs now held the Dual Sword of Destiny.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 17: Everybody Dies...Again...Maybe...Sort of...

Episode 17: Everybody Dies…Again…Maybe…Sort of…

In the aftermath of the big ballgame and the collapse of Mount Francis, King Plough had won the game but lost an eye. Eileve had taken possession of both Magic Jones’ and Baron Üterrüs’ magic staffs. Plough noticed that the skull on the Baron’s staff resembled that of Plough’s great-great-great-etc.-grandfather, who was killed by an evil undead lich many centuries ago. Eileve suggested that the Baron WAS that lich, but the king scoffed at this notion. As Eileve tried to convince his grandfather about Üterrüs’ true nature, the cheetah-skin on Eileve’s legs suddenly slipped down. They realized that Eileve was reaching puberty.

Francis of the Rock People consulted Magic Jones about Francis’ recent shrinking down from mountain-size. Jones explained that Francis had shrunk because he couldn’t maintain the energy needed for his immense size. Francis suggested that he might get that energy back by eating a lot, but Jones replied that that would just make him expand horizontally. However, Jones pointed out that Francis’ heart had grown three sizes, and he still had the compassion and wisdom of a mountain.

Chambliss Tucker was wearing the rabbit-head mask she had used as a mascot for the defunct ChamblissTuckerLand. Baron Üterrüs asked her why she kept hiding herself under rabbit masks and elf ears, then theorized that she was constantly trying out new personas because she is out of place in this world. He suggested that she should return to Marietta for her own safety. Chambliss insisted that she belonged here, and that she could infiltrate the elves and be accepted as one of their own. Üterrüs warned her once more (this time in song), but since she refused to listen, he turned his back and walked away.

Tarquin and Keblaar were in the Slop Bucket, preparing for the elfin invasion. Keblaar thanked Tarquin for joining them despite being exiled from their tribe. When Keblaar mentioned that he had helped write the order of exile, Tarquin was outraged. They started arguing, and Keblaar drew his enchanted invisible sword Soulcrusher X. Tarquin didn’t believe the sword was there until Keblaar knocked an arrow from Tarquin’s hand.

Francis and Eileve met in the forest. When Eileve explained that Baron Üterrüs had killed Kalgon, Francis swore to help Eileve in his quest for vengeance. As Eileve puzzled over how to kill the undead, Francis got an idea.

King Plough summoned Magic Jones to the throne room for his monthly review, and asked Jones to rate his own job performance. Jones rated himself a 5 out of 5 in every department, until Plough cut him off and pointed out just how incompetent he was. Plough pointed out that Jones had lost his magic staff, leaving him powerless. Jones argued that he still had some power without the staff, then demonstrated by rapping a spell to make it rain.

Baron Üterrüs offered his services to the elfin army, explaing that he was an expert at baby-mutilating, uniform-tailoring, soul-removal, and various fix-it jobs. In exchange for his services, Üterrüs demanded the enchanted double-sword held by King Plough.

Chambliss Tucker visisted Tarquin’s treehouse, where he was preparing an elfin explosive device consisting of various natural substances in a large back. Tarquin tested the bomb by igniting it, but it turned out to be a dud.

Baron Üterrüs was closing up at Linens Und Thïngs, bidding goodbye to his flowers as he prepared to go to war. Suddenly, Francis and Eileve burst in and confronted him about Kalgon’s murder.

EILEVE: “Hello. My name is Eileve the Gangly Üterrüs, the slighter of hand, fleeter of foot, heir to the throne of Ye Little Points of Five. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

The Baron asked for one last request, then suddenly planted a “soul kiss” on Eileve.

Keblaar informed King Plough that he was quitting his post as Royal Secretary in order to lead the elf army. Plough was enraged, pointing out that Keblaar hadn’t given him two weeks’ notice. As they argued, Keblaar drew Soulcrusher X, but Plough didn’t believe Keblaar actually had an invisible sword. Keblaar officially declared war on behalf of the elfin army.

Magic Jones found a tearful Baron Üterrüs outside Linens Und Thïngs. The Baron told Jones that inside the store, he would find the shriveled husk of a boy on the brink of death. Üterrüs asked Jones to nurse Eileve back to health, but not to reveal that Üterrüs had asked him to do so. Jones pointed out that Eileve was a threat to both of them, and that he SHOULD be destroyed. Nevertheless, Jones agreed to honor the Baron’s request out of respect.

Inside, Francis was cradling Eileve’s limp body. Magic Jones rushed in and checked Eileve’s pulse, but it was too late. Eileve was dead. Jones heard Baron Üterrüs’ voice, reminding him that there was a spell to bring back Eileve…but at the cost of the spellcaster’s own life. Jones chanted the spell, then collapsed as Eileve sat up once again.

Keblaar and Tarquin were putting the final touches on the invasion plan. Tarquin showed Keblaar his bag of explosives, explaining that he would plant it in the keystone of the castle, bringing the whole thing down. Chambliss arrived, telling them she was on the side of the elfin army. As they celebrated, Chambliss “accidentally” knocked the bag of explosives onto the campfire. As they ran for cover, Chambliss gloated that her plan to blow up the elves had worked…not realizing that the bomb had been another dud, and that Tarquin and Keblaar were still behind her, hearing every word she said.

Despite having lost his left arm in the swordfight with Keblaar, King Plough was preparing for battle when Baron Üterrüs entered and warned him that they were on opposite sides of this war. As a mark of their mutual respect, they told each other their true full names (“King Yancy Plough” and “Baron Portnoy Üterrüs”). They parted as old friends turned honored foes. After Üterrüs’ departure, King Plough delivered a rousing speech to his people. Chambliss ran in and declared her allegiance to King Plough, tearing off her elf ears. Üterrüs returned and defected to Plough’s side. The battle was joined (seen in silhouette), and the forces of Ye Little Points of Five emerged victorious…but Chambliss was struck in the head by King Plough’s sword in the melee.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 16: Take Me Up to the Ballgame

Episode 16: Take Me Up to the Ballgame

For the grand opening of FrancisWorld, a ballgame had been planned. King Plough and his grandson Eileve were practicing, though Plough didn’t feel very confident. Eileve told Plough that even if Plough’s abilities were lacking, his presence would inspire Eileve to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Eileve demonstrated his speed by running around the castle and back before Plough noticed his absence. This gave Plough an idea.

At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs and Magic Jones discussed the sorry state of business, then turned their attention to the upcoming ballgame. Üterrüs’ strategy involved knocking the opponents’ heads off with their bats, but Jones suggested that they instead fill the bats with bird cork. (“It’s cheating, but not necessarily killing them.”) The Baron liked the idea of cheating, then suggested that they make the match more interesting by wagering their magic staffs against Plough’s enchanted sword.

JONES: “Very well, my staff against yours!”
ÜTERRÜS: “We’re on the same team! Haven’t you been paying any attention?”

Keblaar of the Riverdale elves was stringing the silveril cables across the mountain-sized Francis of the Rock People. They introduced themselves, and Keblaar explained that he’d been appointed the Royal Secretary. Francis listened politely, but explained that he couldn’t really take an interest because, as a mountain, mortal concerns were beneath him.

Tarquin the Gangly came to ask Chambliss what was going on with all the cables being strung across Mount Francis. She explained that she was planning on running cable cars up FrancisWorld (or, as she called it, “ChamblissTuckerLand”), and asked Tarquin to hollow out several trees to make the cable cars, making sure to carve grates in the floors as a drain for spilled beverages. Tarquin agreed to all her ideas.

King Plough and Baron Üterrüs were in the Slop Bucket, talking smack before the big game. Plough suggested that the Baron’s team should be called “The Pussies,” and Üterrüs agreed that his team was no match for Plough’s. Plough was disappointed, explaining that Üterrüs was taking all the fun out of smack-talk by not fighting back. Üterrüs proposed his wager to Plough, and the King accepted. The Baron asked Plough what his team’s name was, and Eileve dubbed them “The Ass-Kickers.”

Magic Jones and Eileve talked about the upcoming game. Eileve reassured the wizard that the game was all in friendly competition, and that he still looked up to Jones. As they conversed, Jones noticed that Eileve smelled really nice. Eileve explained that that was his own natural scent, resulting from his being part-cheetah. They discussed the idea of bottling Eileve’s scent and selling it at Linens Und Thïngs under the brand name “Brute.”

Tarquin and Keblaar had a conversation in Elvish (occasionally slipping back into English). During one of the English moments, Tarquin explained that he had designed the cable car’s grate so that not only would drinks fall through, but so would the human passengers.

Chambliss was putting the finishing touches in ChamblissTuckerLand, and Francis asked her why she had become so ruthless lately. She explained that she was modeling herself on her idol, Oprah Winfrey. Suddenly, Chambliss started thinking about Oprah and realized that she wasn’t such a great role model after all. Chambliss apologized and agreed to try being nicer. Now that she’d agreed to change her ways, Francis allowed Chambliss to climb him so she could see the elf army in the distance, carving trees into weapons (but planting new trees for every one they cut down).

Keblaar visited Linens Und Thïngs and found Baron Üterrüs practicing for the ballgame. The Baron complained that his latest shipment of elfin silks had not arrived, and that it was unlike the elves to be late. Keblaar explained that he had been busy with all his latest responsibilities: being Royal Secretary, helping prepare FrancisWorld, and preparing the elfin invasion. This last item piqued Üterrüs’ interest, and he offered his services to the elves.

Magic Jones was coaching King Plough for the ballgame; even though they were on different teams, Jones was still Plough’s advisor and companion. Plough started reminiscing about his Uncle Stu and his lifetime companion Bruce.

Tarquin attempted to string up the cable cars to ChamblissTuckerLand, but the car kept falling off the cable. Tarquin finally noticed that the mountain was his old friend Francis, and he reassured Francis that he hadn’t forgotten the revolution, and that the elf army was coming to help. Francis reminded Tarquin that the revolution wasn’t about killing everybody, but making life better. Francis was worried about the elf army, but Tarquin’s incompetence in building the cable car reassured him that the elves were no threat.

Chambliss visited the Slop Bucket and complained that her plans for ChamblissTuckerLand were not going as well as she’d hoped. Eileve noticed that she was carrying a giant rabbit-head mask, and suggested that she wear the mask to greet people. He assured her that she could get more customers by being a friendly cartoon rabbit than by demanding money from them.

Tarquin’s sabotaged cable-car having failed (big surprise there), everybody was gathered atop Mount Francis for the ballgame. It was the bottom of the somethingth inning, and the Asskickers were down 2 to 0. Plough instructed Eileve to use the secret strategy they had devised earlier. By running around the world at super-speed, Eileve turned back time to the start of the game. As the game started over, Baron Üterrüs suggested that they make it a one-pitch, all-or-nothing game. As Üterrüs prepared to throw his lardball, Plough stabbed Eileve in the side, just to make the game more dramatic. As the Baron hurled his pitch, the scene went into slow-motion. Eileve hit the ball and staggered around the bases, reaching home plate just as he was tagged. Francis, being the umpire (as well as the playing field), was asked to make the call. However, before he could rule, something unforeseen occurred. Eileve’s time-reversal had undone the enchantment that turned Francis into a mountain, and he shrank back to his original size with everybody still on top of him.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 15: Go Tell It to the Mountain (Or: Two Elves and a Funeral)

Episode 15: Go Tell It to the Mountain (Or: Two Elves and a Funeral)

At the funeral for Kalgon, the master thief and singing waiter, everybody came by to pay their respects. Amongst all the remembrances, Kalgon’s demi-son Eileve swore to carry on Kalgon’s work, which he did by stealing the gravestone.

Having grown to forty times his original size (as a result of being struck by two enchanted swords), Francis of the Rock People was imprisoned in a special dungeon. Eileve snuck in and offered Francis the key to the dungeon, but Francis considered himself a political prisoner and would only accept freedom if the king agreed to his demands.

Tarquin was hanging out with Chambliss Tucker, who had undergone elfin plastic surgery to fit in with his people. When she complained about the painful procedure, Tarquin started pontificating about all the pain that comes with being an elf. As Tarquin spoke, Chambliss suddenly came up behind him and held a Lady Schick to his throat. Tarquin turned the tables by threatening her with the enchanted pillow. Chambliss turned the tables yet again by throwing her cloak over his head.

Magic Jones visited Baron Üterrüs to discuss what to do about Eileve and his magic wand. The two old enemies reminisced about their past battles, complete with flashbacks.

King Plough was claiming some land in the forest when her ran into the wandering elf Keblaar. Keblaar explained that he had come to visit his old friend Tarquin, who had been banished from their tribe. They got to know each other, and Plough told Keblaar about the murder of his son Kalgon.

PLOUGH: “I will take his killer’s entrails and serve them on a steaming plate! That is, the entrails will be steaming…the plate will be room temperature.”

Chambliss visited Francis in the dungeon. When he asked if she considered him a monster, she reassured him that his size didn’t make him a monster…it made him a mountain. She told him that people loved mountains, and that he could be loved if he let people climb him, build skylifts to get to the top of him, and set up slushie stands on him.

Tarquin was lying unconscious in Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator when Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs burst in. Tarquin woke up and told them that Chambliss had tried to kill him “by smoth…suff…not being able to breathe under this thing!” Üterrüs explained that they were searching for Eileve, the mutual son of both Üterrüs and Tarquin (as well as Kalgon and Dewey Claw). Tarquin used his elfin powers to locate Eileve, who was with King Plough in the Slop Bucket. When the Baron revealed that they were planning to destroy Eileve, Tarquin assumed a fighting stance, but Magic Jones used his powers to make Tarquin forget that information.

At the Slop Bucket, Eileve met King Plough and introduced himself as Kalgon’s son, making him Plough’s grandson. Plough was overjoyed to learn that he had a grandson, and declared Eileve his heir to the throne. Keblaar the elf was amazed to witness such a historic occasion. Plough offered Keblaar the post of Royal Secretary and told him to take notes about this meeting. Eileve explained the plan to bring joy to the kingdom by turning Francis into a mountain park. Plough liked the idea, and ordered Francis’ release.

Shortly afterwards, King Plough visited Francis’ dungeon. He officially declared Francis a political prisoner, then pardoned him. The King asked Francis to become a mountain theme park, and Francis eagerly accepted.

Keblaar was compiling data when Chambliss came in and introduced herself as the Queen. Keblaar was amazed to see an elf-eared queen in a human kingdom, remarking that it would make it that much easier when the elves take over. She thanked him for the information, then asked him to put that plan on hold. She ordered him to find two miles of steel (or, as the elves call it, “silveril”) cable to build cable cars for the mountain park.

Tarquin stopped by the Slop Bucket and found Eileve, who explained that he had taken over Kalgon’s position as the waiter. As Eileve set the table, Kalgon noticed that it was covered with notes written in Elvish. Alerted by the notes, Tarquin sensed the presence of Keblaar, his old childhood friend (and romantic rival). Tarquin sang a song recounting how Keblaar won the hearts of Tarquin’s two girlfriends, Betty and Veronica.

Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs’ search for Eileve was shown in a series of paintings.

Chambliss Tucker christened Francis the new Heritage Mountain Park. Francis found this the most rewarding experience of his entire existence. When Chambliss started making plans to dig into Francis and build high-priced vacation lodges, Francis started to have second thoughts. When she started fantasizing about building a water park where she could sleep with all the nubile male lifeguards, Francis REALLY got cold feet.

FRANCIS: “It sounds like you’re just using me…and a lot of young men.”

Tarquin was relaxing in his treehouse when his old friend Keblaar came to visit. Tarquin loaned Keblaar a couple of miles of silveril cable, and they reminisced about old times. Tarquin’s ox Thacko ran up and greeted his former master. It was revealed that Tarquin had won Thacko in a poker game, and the ox was still upset about that. To make amends, Tarquin returned Thacko to Keblaar.

Magic Jones and Baron Üterrüs found Eileve relieving himself in the woods. King Plough emerged from doing his own business in the bushes, then invited them all to FrancisWorld. Plough’s manner grew serious as he asked the Baron to help him avenge Kalgon’s murder (not knowing that Üterrüs WAS Kalgon’s killer). Then Plough immediately lightened up again and repeated “C’mon, let’s go to FrancisWorld!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 14: Everybody Dies

Episode 14: Everybody Dies

Kalgon, the fleet of foot and sleight of hand, gave Esmerizizelda the magical artifact he had stolen for her: the Flowers of Algernon. She explained that she would use their power to switch bodies with Chambliss Tucker. When Kalgon asked for the sack of gold she had promised him, she gave him his “just reward” by casting a spell of clumsiness upon him, thus destroying his skills as a master thief.

Magic Jones was wandering through the forest when he the as-yet-nameless son of Chambliss Tucker and three fathers. The human-elf-cheetah man-child lamented his freakish existence, and Jones reassured him that everybody feels like a freak when they’re young.

As a result of their collision, King Plough’s alabaster sword and Baron Üterrüs’ onyx sword had merged into a single weapon. Plough and Üterrüs discussed an arrangement to alternate ownership of the sword, then turned to the more pressing matter of what to do with Francis, who was being held in the dungeon. Üterrüs thought that Francis should be hewn into gravel for his treachery, while Plough worried how the people would react to such a severe punishment. The Baron argued that a king shouldn’t be influenced by his subjects, but should rule them with an iron fist. Plough realized that the merged sword was influencing him, tearing him between its two sides. (“There’s dark, and there’s light…and yet, alas, there’s no creamy center.”)

Esmerizizelda paid a visit to Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin lamented that his ox, Thacko, had grown distant since Tarquin had been transformed from elf to human. Esmerizizelda told him that she could restore him if he helped her abduct Chambliss for her ritual.

Magic Jones brought the nameless child to Linens Und Thïngs to meet one of his fathers, Baron Üterrüs. The Baron was impressed by his demi-son’s growth, noting that the child had the prowess of a cheetah, the immortality of an elf, and the blood of kings. All that was left was for the Baron to teach him in the ways of the undead. The child agreed to join him, on one condition: “I want Magic Jones to name me…or I leave.” Thus, the old wizard christened the child “Eileve.”

At the Slop Bucket, King Plough asked his son, Kalgon, to read the menu for him, since Plough could not read. As Kalgon described the blue-plate special, Plough reiterated his confession of illiteracy, hoping that Kalgon would get the point this time. Plough was concerned because he had signed all manner of documents without knowing what they were, relying on Magic Jones’ judgment on the legislation.

KALGON: “I wouldn’t trust him to name a baby!”

Kalgon’s curse of clumsiness rendered him unable to serve Plough’s meal. He explained that he had committed a theft for a sack of gold, wanting to earn the gold on his own terms rather than ask his father. Plough revealed that he was proud of Kalgon’s self-sufficiency. Plough sang a song praising Kalgon’s skill as a waiter.

Esmerizizelda paid another visit to Tarquin, promising to turn him back into an elf after he completes the abduction of Chambliss. Tarquin demanded to be restored immediately, but the witch protested that he might back out of the agreement afterwards. Tarquin pointed out that elves never broke their word. She accepted that, but warned him that if he DID cross her, she’d turn him into something horrible, though she couldn’t decide what. Suddenly, Eileve knocked on the door. Tarquin saw his elfin parentage in the child, and greeted him warmly. Tarquin confided that Esmerizizelda’s evil plan was his only hope of becoming an elf again, but Eileve had an alternate plan: he distracted Esmerizizelda and stole her wand.

Magic Jones was wandering about when Eileve entered, holding the wand in one hand and his detached tail in the other. Eileve explained that he had idly commented that he hated his tail, and it fell off. Jones realized that the wand responded to its owner’s desires…a terrible responsibility for a one-week-old.

King Plough summoned Esmerizizelda to the castle, pointing out that she had been banished by his great-grandfather, and the banishment was still in effect. She broke down in tears, lamenting her wretched herpes-ridded existence. Plough confessed that he too knew the heartbreak of herpes (“Why do you think I grew this ridiculous mustache?”). She offered to transplant his soul into a herpes-free body. Torn by the influence of the sword, Plough agreed, giving her one hour to prove her powers by curing herself.

Kalgon went to Linens Und Thïngs, crawling very carefully to avoid knocking anything over. Kalgon told Baron Üterrüs about the curse of clumsiness, and the Baron offered to help him. Üterrüs started gathering the ingredients for the remedy, then realized that the Flowers of Algernon had vanished. Kalgon remorsefully confessed to the theft. Enraged, Üterrüs dealt Kalgon a heavy blow with his mace.

Tarquin and Esmerizizelda snuck into Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator and abducted the sleeping, blanket-covered Chambliss, after Tarquin knocked her out by whacking her with a cushy pillow.

Eileve found Kalgon lying motionless in his cave. Eileve attempted to wake up his demi-father, but the flies buzzing around the body proved that he was dead. Eileve’s elfin heritage allowed him to speak to the flies and learn what had happened. (“My father’s killed my father!”) Eileve swore to avenge Kalgon’s death.

Magic Jones castigated Baron Üterrüs for not watching Eileve, thus allowing Eileve to get Esmerizizelda’s wand. Jones warned that the combination of unlimited power and a child’s immaturity could blow a hole in the space-time continuum. Baron Üterrüs agreed that the danger was serious enough for the two of them to set aside their differences and join forces.

Tarquin and Esmerizizelda were preparing for the deherpification ritual when the witch suddenly remembered that Eileve had stolen her wand. (“You fool! This is my fault, but I blame you!”) Tarquin suggested that the cushy pillow must have some magical powers of its own, since it had somehow knocked out Chambliss. The witch tested the pillow’s powers by casting a spell on Tarquin. Suddenly, his elfin locks reappeared as he was restored to his true self. Before Esmerizizelda could proceed to transferring her soul into Chambliss’ body, King Plough entered, shouting that the hour was up. Seeing that the witch had failed to cure herself, Plough stabbed her with his sword.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 13: Rockman's Got Nards!

Episode 13: Rockman’s Got Nards!

King Plough summoned Francis of the Rock People to discuss Francis’ recent conversion to anarchy and Plough’s newfound dedication to the common people.

PLOUGH: “Francis, I walked a mile in the shoes of a peasant…which aren’t shoes at all! They’re bare feet!”

Francis didn’t believe that Plough had truly seen the light, and this attitude made them enemies. Plough warned Francis that there’d be trouble if their paths ever crossed again. Fifteen minutes later, their paths crossed again, and they began to battle. Plough accidentally discovered Francis’ one vulnerable spot…his nards.

Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss Tucker were basking in the afterglow, although Chambliss was still sore from the uncomfortable yet satisfying experience.

CHAMBLISS: “You know, your penis is a yardstick.”
ÜTERRÜS: “By which love is measured?”

Chambliss was concerned as to what effect such deep penetration might have on her unborn babies. The Baron revealed that his supernatural seed had broken down the triplets’ cellular structure and combined them into a single, extremely powerful fetus. He warned her to send for a midwife immediately, as the baby was now too developed to remain in her womb for long. Chambliss replied that it felt like the baby had already been pushed out of her womb and up into her throat.

Tarquin the Gangly stood atop Mount Poop, preparing to hurl the Bloodsword into its depths. Angered by the elf’s rejection of its power, the Bloodsword placed a curse upon him. Tarquin attempted to deflect the curse with the mystical chant of “I’m rubber, you’re glue,” but the Bloodsword easily countered his spell. The sword revealed that Tarquin was cursed to be an elf no longer, but a mere human.

Esmerizizelda, the cackling witch of the Herpenghetti, ordered a glass of spider vomit at The Slop Bucket. As Kalgon brought the beverage to her table, she sensed that he was more than a mere server. Kalgon replied that he had taken this job to show that he could go straight, explaining that he had been a master thief. Esmerizizelda offered him a sack of gold if he would steal an artifact from Baron Üterrüs’ shop, Linens Und Thïngs.

Needing assistance in his battle against Francis, King Plough asked Magic Jones for a weapon that could cut through rock. Jones replied that he had foreseen Plough’s need in a prophetic dream, and Plough asked why Jones hadn’t bothered to warn him earlier. Jones consulted the crystal ball in his staff and saw a vision of Francis storming Castle Post with an army of monks. Magic Jones offered to place an enchantment on Plough’s sword so that it would turn stone into pumice. Plough suggested that turning stone into cookie dough would be softer and tastier.

Baron Üterrüs was cleaning up at Linens Und Thïngs when Francis entered and started trashing the place again. The Baron sympathized with Francis’ destructive, rebellious urges, but warned him that he might be bringing a terrible fate upon himself. As they conversed, Kalgon (wearing his enchanted mask) snuck in unnoticed and stole the magical artifact known as the Flowers of Algernon.

At the Slop Bucket, Chambliss told Esmerizizelda about her night of passion with Baron Üterrüs and the effect it had on her baby. The witch was distraught over how this would interfere with her own sinister plans, but didn’t let on to Chambliss. Esmerizizelda checked Chambliss’ throat and saw that the baby was coming soon. As the labor pains intensified, Chambliss staggered behind the bar and coughed up the baby. As Chambliss cradled her newborn son, it said “I love you, mama.” Chambliss noticed that the baby had a cheetah’s tail and elfin markings on its face.

The distraught Tarquin informed Magic Jones that the Bloodsword’s curse was changing him from an elf to a human. Even as he explained, the pointed tips of Tarquin’s ears fell off, proving that the curse was real. Having lived 2,000 years as an elf, Tarquin was terrified of having a human lifespan. Jones was powerless to help him, as the curse could only be reversed by a witch and not a wizard. Tarquin scratched his head, and his long elfin locks fell off.

Kalgon paid a visit to Francis’ cave. Francis revealed that a fierce battle was brewing, and that he did not expect to survive. He believed he would be more powerful as a martyr than he had been as a leader, so he was prepared to die.

KALGON: “I admire your stalwartness.”
FRANCIS: “I accept that as a word.”

King Plough went to Linens Und Thïngs to enlist Baron Üterrüs’ aid in the battle against Francis. Even though Plough knew Üterrüs as a humble interior designer, he could sense that the Baron had the heart of a warrior (not to mention being 7 feet tall). The King presented Üterrüs with a weapon to use in the battle…the onyx sword, sister to Plough’s alabaster sword.

Chambliss cut the umbilical cord of her son, who was now the size of a fully-grown short man. Since he had grown so rapidly, Chambliss thought he was ready to go out on his own. The bitter man-child walked out.

Having missed her opportunity to transplant her soul into a newborn body, Esmerizizelda was drowning her sorrows in the Slop Bucket when Tarquin the Human entered. Esmerizizelda introduced herself as a witch, and he asked for her help. He joined her in a glass of spider vomit, but did a double-take when she told him what he was drinking. Esmerizizelda laughed so hard at his reaction that she fell off the stool.

At high noon, King Plough and Francis faced each other in the street. Plough taunted his opponent by munching on a cookie, warning Francis that he’d “better get used to it.” Baron Üterrüs emerged from the shadows as the battle began. Suddenly, both Plough’s and Üterrüs’ enchanted swords collided as they simultaneously struck Francis. The combination of mystical forces had an unforeseen effect on Francis, who began to grow to 40 times his original size.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 11: The Return of the King

Episode 11: The Return of the King

Possessed by the addled mind of King Plough, the body of Baron Üterrüs got hit on the head with a coconut. Plough’s mind was now returned to its full capabilities (such as they are), but was still trapped in the Baron’s body, and had no idea what was going on. Magic Jones explained about the body-switch, but Plough didn’t understand even after two days of explanation. Jones put Plough/Üterrüs under a spell of suspended animation to keep him out of trouble.

The demon Prick and Üterrüs/Plough were joking in the pub. Üterrüs dropped the pretense and revealed his true identity. He explained that he was upset because he was now enjoying more fame and power as King Plough than he ever had as himself, and he wanted to be recognized for who he really was. Prick suggested that Üterrüs could win greater support by doing GOOD things for the people. They came up with a plan to break into his subjects’ homes and leave gifts for them. To facilitate this plan, Prick would transform himself into a raindeer (a water elemental), and Baron Üterrüs would now be known as Ütüs Claus!

Francis of the Rock People informed Tarquin the Gangly that the revolution was cancelled because they just weren’t powerful enough to take on authority, even with Tarquin wielding the Bloodsword of Tallywhacker. When Tarquin pleaded with Francis not to give up the revolution, Francis confided that its “cancellation” was only a ruse…it’s only going underground.

Magic Jones called upon Queen Chambliss to bathe her. As he scrubbed her back (through her “bathing cape”), he asked whether she wasn’t carrying this demanding “queenly” behavior too far. When she ordered him to fetch the royal bedpan, he slapped her to bring her back to her senses. He suggested that she relax and take a vacation to a fairground.

Üterrüs/Plough was wandering through the woods when he came across the frozen Plough/ Üterrüs. When they came in contact, they were magically restored to their true bodies. Now back to normal, King Plough figured that the whole experience had been a prank by Magic Jones, like the time he planted an arrow in the privy and waited for Plough to sit down. Baron Üterrüs sympathized, since he too knew the pain of a weapon up the nether regions. Realizing that they had something in common, Plough suggested that they should hang out and get to know each other.

Tarquin and Chambliss were drinking in the pub, discussing her pregnancy. When Tarquin explained that he wanted to confirm whether the baby was actually his, Chambliss was offended.

CHAMBLISS: “You think I can’t get any man in this town I want?”
TARQUIN: “Oh, I know you can…and you have.”

When he explained about the curse of the Bloodsword, she urged him to go far away for the safety of her children, but he couldn’t bear to be apart from her.

Magic Jones and Prick met on the astral plane to discuss their plans for the holidays. Prick suggested that the kingdom institute a “Secret Santa” program.

Francis went to Linens Und Thïngs, asking Baron Üterrüs for his old job back. When the Baron asked about the revolution, Francis feigned ignorance. Üterrüs offered his services to the revolution, but Francis informed him that the revolution was against both Üterrüs and Plough. As Francis made a speech about the revolution, Baron Üterrüs pointed out that Francis had now joined the side of evil…he may have started the revolution with good intentions, but he was now after power for himself.

King Plough and Baron Üterrüs went to the pub for some drinking and male bonding. Üterrüs revealed that he was many centuries old, and told Plough the story of his lost love Ilsabetta. After their night of love, the Baron discovered that Ilsabetta was promised to another, and that her husband went on to raise the Baron’s child himself. Yes, Baron Üterrüs was King Plough’s great-great-etc.-grandfather!

Chambliss Tucker, carrying a small dead pig, found Prick (now with raindeer antlers on his head) floating in the woods. Prick explained that he had left the pig in her stocking as a gift for her. She told him that what she really wanted was for her unborn children to be safe. Prick agreed to become her protector.

Magic Jones went to Francis’ cave and told him about the Secret Santa program to spread holiday cheer. Francis wanted no part of commercialism or the holiday season, so Jones showed Francis what the world would be like if he’d never existed. There was no difference whatsoever.

Freaked out by the curse, Tarquin the Gangly sang a song of lust to a tree.

Chambliss went to Linens Und Thïngs to ask Baron Üterrüs for a favor. The Baron harangued her about the way she had abandoned the pub, and was just letting people come in and pour their own drinks without paying. Nevertheless, Chambliss still pleaded with him to send her back to her own time. The Baron sensed the foetuses inside her, then broke down and asked why she had been with every man except him. She explained that it wouldn’t be right because he was her boss, plus he was really scary. He asked her to make him over into the man she could want, and she accepted.

Prick confronted Tarquin about the elf’s plan to cut out Chambliss’ babies. Tarquin protested that it was the Bloodsword’s curse, not himself, that sought to harm her. Suddenly, the Bloodsword spoke to Tarquin in a redneck accent. The sword asked why Tarquin was displeased with the power it had given him.

TARQUIN: “Did you ever stop to think I don’t WANT to kill my own babies?”
BLOODSWORD: “Hell, no, I’m just a bloody sword! How would I know that?”

The sword taunted Tarquin, boasting that the illiterate elf would never figure out how to lift the curse. However, Prick had heard the sword as well, and informed Tarquin that the sword could be destroyed by being hurled into the depths of Mount Poop.

Magic Jones cast a rhyming spell to call forth an ice storm. King Plough entered and challenged the wizard to a rapping contest. King Plough won by rhyming “orange” with “door hinge.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 10: Skip and a Jump Away

Episode 10: Skip and a Jump Away

Kalgon was cutting down trees to make pamphlets to spread the word of the revolution, when Tarquin the Gangly arrived, ordering him to stop (since Tarquin thought the whole point of the revolution was to stop the King from destroying the forest in the first place). Tarquin saved a tree by blocking Kalgon’s axe with the Bloodsword of Thogroth.

Chambliss Tucker sat in the castle, preparing to sing about her tortured heart.

Magic Jones and Francis of the Rock People were relaxing in the pub. Jones explained that he was too busy with work to join the revolution. Francis proposed a united force of workers where everybody could work equally hard, or equally not hard. Jones was intrigued by this “union” idea.

Chambliss finally sang her song, which consisted of the single word “Gone.” Hearing that one note, her husband Skip climbed up the trellis to visit her. Skip told her how upset he was that she’d been sleeping around and that she had forgotten how he had always provided for her. She retorted with a rant about how boring her suburban life had been.

The demon Prick found an assortment of magic potions in the back room of Linens Und Thïngs, and decided to have some fun by rearranging them. Suddenly, Kalgon rushed in. Kalgon revealed that he couldn’t join the revolution because he had to take care of Chambliss’ baby. Prick asked Kalgon to consider which was more important: individual freedom or responsibility to others. By the end of the discussion, they were both incredibly confused.

Magic Jones went to Chambliss, concerned by the absence of both King Plough and Baron Üterrüs. However, Chambliss was more concerned by her pregnancy, rumors of which had spread through Kalgon’s tabloids. Chambliss asked Jones to perform a mystical scan of her belly to determine just who fathered her baby. Jones cast the spell, then replied that she should have said “babIES.”

Francis was outside the pub when Friar Kack walked by. Francis greeted his “old friend” warmly, but Kack revealed that he was not the same Kack that Francis knew. Kack explained that all the Friars of Kack Island have the same name and look identical (all being spawned from the Kack Sack). He had come to investigate the disappearance of the other Friar Kack, who had not come home for Kackgiving.

After his argument with Chambliss, Skip Tucker was imprisoned in stocks in the dungeon. He reflected on how he had taken Chambliss for granted, and sang a song about his insensitivity.

Tarquin stood guard by a tree, pondering whether to mark it as being protected in the name of the king or of the revolution. He decided to compromise by marking it “Reserved for ham sandwich.” Suddenly, the tree fell over due to Tarquin using the Bloodsword to write the message. Tarquin realized that the sword killed everything it touched (apart from himself, King Plough, Üterrüs, and maybe a few more exceptions). Kalgon arrived, and they discovered a rock with an inscription revealing how to cure Tarquin’s curse. (“In order to remove the bloodlust, you must find the one for whom you did lust, and take out that which was inside.”) Realizing that Tarquin would have to cut the baby from Chambliss’ womb, Kalgon swore to stop him.

Francis and Kack sat by the campfire, planning a dinner meeting for all the revolutionaries. Hearing word of a dinner meeting, the demon Prick arrived in search of Bundt cake. Seeing Friar Kack, Prick was pained by the sight of Kack’s religious symbol.

Magic Jones was barbecuing his specialty dish of cowduckephant (a duck stuffed inside a cow stuffed inside an elephant) when he heard Skip Tucker weeping in the corridor. Jones invited Skip in, and they started talking about Skip’s own era. Skip didn’t like life in his own time, but Jones warned him that he was needed there…plus, he was in grave danger as long as he remained there. Jones opened an interdimensional portal. Reluctantly, Skip agreed to go home, and Jones gave him a portion of cowduckephant for the journey.

SKIP: “Tell Chambliss I don’t care how many hyenas or whatever she sleeps with, I’ll still love her.”

With that, Skip jumped through the portal.

Chambliss was at the pub, disguised as a peasant wench to hide from the tabloids. As Magic Jones welcomed her, Kalgon arrived and started discussing Skip’s departure. Not recognizing Chambliss, Kalgon expressed great relief that Skip was gone, then started insulting him mercilessly. Jones and Kalgon went out for a ham sandwich, leaving Chambliss alone. Tarquin entered, and Chambliss revealed her identity. Tarquin told her what he had learned about his curse. She suggested that, if he waited eight months, he could perform a C-section, thus fulfilling the terms of the enchantment without actually harming her or the babies. Chambliss picked up the Bloodsword and admired it. As soon as Tarquin warned her about its curse, she collapsed.

Friar Kack went to Linens Und Thïngs to pick up some supplies for the revolution. Finding nobody there, Kack took what he needed. Kack’s deity voiced his disapproval with a thunderstorm.

Prick informed Francis that his greatest dream was…to sing. Prick sang a beautiful, happy song about his life in Hell. Prick wanted no part of fighting or violence, so he walked away from the revolution. As Prick left, the guilt-ridden Friar Kack arrived. His god relieved his conscience by sending down a receipt for what he had taken. Kalgon then arrived, having decided to join the revolution after all. As they gave thanks for their blessings, Tarquin came by and was stunned to see another Friar Kack. They fought.

At the castle, Magic Jones was preparing cowduckephant soup when he sensed the death of Friar Kack. Chambliss Tucker crawled in, explaining that she might be dying from having touched the Bloodsword. Jones urged her to try the healing power of the soup.

Prick was floating merrily through the forest when he encountered a group of Rainbow People. They exchanged greetings of peace and love, and one of the Rainbow People placed an illicit substance on Prick’s tongue.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 9: You Won't Fool the Children of the Revolution

Episode 9: You Won’t Fool the Children of the Revolution

Magic Jones asked Francis of the Rock People to help him search for Baron Üterrüs (whose body was now possessed by the simple mind of King Plough). Francis, who had become an ardent revolutionary, didn’t see any downside to Üterrüs’ disappearance, but agreed to help Jones anyway.

Meanwhile, the mind of Baron Üterrüs was still in possession of King Plough’s body, and had now mastered Plough’s accent, making the impersonation complete. Üterrüs/Plough brought Tarquin up to the treehouse to show the elf how Üterrüs had redecorated. Tarquin hated what the Baron had done with the place, and vented the rage boiling inside him. Üterrüs/Plough was impressed by Tarquin’s bloodthirsty nature, and gave him a position in his cabinet (not to mention the Bloodsword of Tutenkhamun).

Chambliss Tucker told her husband Skip about everything that had happened since she arrived in this strange land. When she explained that she was now queen, Skip asked if that made him king. Chambliss told Skip that he didn’t belong here, and urged him to go back home to the kids and his OB/GYN practice. However, Skip didn’t want to go back to his old responsibilities.

Francis went to the castle printing room and told Kalgon to make some changes in the latest edition of his tabloid.

KALGON: “I cut down 40 trees to make those!”
FRANCIS: “Chop down more! We’ll never run out of trees!”

Chambliss rushed in with some changes of her own, but Francis refused to step aside, telling her that the people were tired of being pushed around. Seeing an opportunity to get rid of her husband, Chambliss told Francis that a newcomer named Skip was pushing everybody around.

In the pub, Tarquin bragged to Magic Jones how he had interrupted Friar Kack’s attempt on Chambliss’ life, then tortured the Friar mercilessly and skinned him alive.

JONES: “You know, the human body can live for three days without skin.”
TARQUIN: “Really? HE only lived for two!”

Tarquin then told Jones that Baron Üterrüs had given him the Bloodsword of Tutenkhamun (strangely, although Tarquin had been taken in by the Baron’s impersonation of King Plough at the time, he now remembered his visitor as being the Baron). Hearing that Üterrüs had been sighted, Jones rushed off to search for him.

Chambliss and Üterrüs/Plough were having an uncomfortable dinner date when Magic Jones rushed in, searching for Baron Üterrüs. Üterrüs/Plough pointed him in a random direction, and Jones was completely taken in.

Kalgon met Skip Tucker and warned him that Chambliss was not to be trusted. Kalgon told Skip that, during his absence, Chambliss had slept with a half-man/half-cheetah.

Üterrüs/Plough paid a visit to Tarquin. When Tarquin called him “Baron,” Üterrüs insisted that he was King Plough. The Baron/King informed Tarquin that he needed to cut down the forest for resources in the battle against the orcs and hobgoblins, who had formed an “axis of evil.” Tarquin explained about the cycle of nature: the trees grow fruit which we eat, then we excrete the seeds that grow into new trees, etc. Üterrüs/Plough asked whether it wouldn’t be more efficient to enslave people to excrete the seeds for us.

TARQUIN: “No wonder I confused you with Baron Üterrüs, with an attitude like that!”

Tarquin attempted to attack Üterrüs/Plough with the Bloodsword, but discovered that it couldn’t penetrate his target’s protective aura.

In the highest tower of the castle, Chambliss urged Francis to crush Skip, but not to hurt him. When Francis pointed out the paradox in those instructions, Chambliss cried that she was so confused…plus, she thought she might be pregnant.

Magic Jones and Kalgon were lounging in the pub. Kalgon invited the extremely intoxicated Jones to join Francis’ movement.

KALGON: “Are you on board? Are you with the revolution?”
JONES: “I’m revolving as we speak!”

Kalgon and Jones sang a rousing song about the revolution.

Üterrüs/Plough paid a visit to Skip Tucker in the Lincoln Navigator. They discussed the way that Chambliss had declared herself queen, and was now trying to get rid of Skip. Üterrüs/Plough invited Skip to join his cabinet, explaining that he needed a man of science to formulate chemical weapons against his enemies. When Skip protested that he didn’t want to harm anyone, Üterrüs/Plough warned Skip that Chambliss wanted him dead.

Tarquin went to Francis’ cave to ask for help with his bloodlust. Tarquin mentioned that he had disassembled a monk; Francis failed to make the connection to his friend Friar Kack, and the subject was dropped immediately. Tarquin explained that he needed to stop King Plough, but the Bloodsword couldn’t harm him. Francis suggested that he try another weapon.

Chambliss Tucker confronted Kalgon, telling him that she knew it was he who crept into her bedchamber last night. Kalgon donned his enchanted mask to escape her wrath, but he put it on inside-out, so it didn’t work. Chambliss wondered how she could face Skip now that she’d married Plough and slept with her new stepson. Kalgon sensed that Chambliss was pregnant with a new heir to the throne…yet another rival for power.

Üterrüs/Plough found Magic Jones in the pub. Taking advantage of Jones’ drunken state, Üterrüs/Plough pretended to be Jones’ old teacher, and got Jones to reconstruct his class project on the principle of forming interdimensional portals. Once Jones explained how it was done, Üterrüs/Plough whacked him on the head with a mace.

Skip Tucker went through his medical case, trying to figure out how to make Midol into a chemical weapon. Francis arrived and saw that Skip was not the pushy tyrant Chambliss had described, but a man who had been pushed around himself. Francis invited Skip to join the revolution.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 7: Something Pricky This Way Comes

Episode 7: Something Pricky This Way Comes

Mortally injured by a blow to the head, King Plough lay dying on the battlefield when Francis of the Rock People brought him the enchanted alabaster sword. As the sword was placed in Plough’s hand, its magicks instantly brought him back from the brink of death. However, as soon as he opened his mouth, it became apparent that the sword had not healed the damage to his brain.

Magic Jones held a ceremony to reward Tarquin the Gangly for his bravery in combat, although the actual award (whatever form it may take) was not ready yet. Tarquin confessed that he was now constantly filled with rage and bloodlust, and Jones prescribed some new medicine for him to smoke. Tarquin’s condition was only partially remedied…he still felt an unquenchable urge to kill, but at least he wasn’t angry about it anymore.

At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs informed Chambliss Tucker that he was thinking of diversifying his business interests, and was going to open a pub (or, as he pronounced it, a püb) called “The Poisoned Patron.” Chambliss agreed to run the püb on the condition that Üterrüs learn to pronounce it correctly.

Left alone in the aftermath of the battle, Francis was reflecting on his solitude when he remembered the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!” Friar Kack immediately arrived in answer to the summons. Francis informed Kack that the king’s condition had left them without a leader. Friar Kack revealed that he had gazed into the future using the Kack Ring, and had foreseen that Francis would become a great leader. He had also seen that a new menace would soon come to the kingdom…something even worse than the orcs.

Magic Jones and Prince Kalgon were discussing what to do about King Plough’s sudden retardation. Jones wanted to re-educate the king and restore him to his former self. However, Kalgon wondered whether it was worth keeping an incompetent monarch in power, when it would be so much easier for an “unfortunate accident” to free up the throne for a more capable leader. Jones warned Kalgon that “Those that get too greedy might find themselves on the short end of the greedy stick.”

Baron Üterrüs was up on Skank Mountain, preparing a pentagram to summon a demon.

ÜTERRÜS: “While I am conquering the world fiscally, my demon will be conquering the world physically! Ah, wordplay!”

While Üterrüs was rummaging for the spell’s final ingredient, King Plough wandered through unnoticed, disrupting the pentagram. After Plough wandered off again, Üterrüs returned to his spell, unaware of the damage Plough had done. The Baron summoned forth the greatest, most powerful demon in hell…and was answered by the sudden appearance of a small, floating red imp. This was not quite as impressive as Üterrüs had expected. The creature introduced itself as the demon Prick. The Baron asked Prick to go forth and confirm the reports that the king was ill. Misunderstanding, the demon set out to find out whether the king was an eel.

Francis and Friar Kack journeyed to Castle Post to nominate Francis as the interim King while Plough is incapacitated. Friar Kack informed Francis that he had consulted with his fellow friars, and that they had decreed that the quest for vengeance on the slayer of the dragon Schmegma took precedence over their obedience to Francis. So, although they would still obey Francis, they still had to kill somebody. Since Francis didn’t realize they were talking about Chambliss, he accepted that. King Plough wandered by, followed by Magic Jones. Francis demanded the throne from Jones, warning him that he would take it by force if necessary.

Kalgon snuck into the new pub, where Chambliss greeted him as her first customer offered him a drink of red stuff (“This might be the blood of something!”). Kalgon explained that Plough was unable to rule, but that nobody could succeed him as long as he still lived. Kalgon claimed that his previous reluctance to accept the crown was only an act, that he was secretly eager to become king. Chambliss was upset by this news, since Plough had promised her that she could be his queen. As they argued, King Plough wandered in unnoticed and drank the red stuff.

Tarquin and his ox Thacko were hunting tree-rats inside Chambliss’ Lincoln Navigator, when Tarquin was suddenly alerted by a strange noise coming from an odd instrument. Picking up Chambliss’ cell phone, Tarquin was puzzled by the mysterious voices coming from it…the voices of Chambliss’ husband and children. Not knowing what to make of the strange device, Tarquin decided to take it back to Chambliss.

Baron Üterrüs visited Magic Jones and mocked Jones’ fading powers. Üterrüs recalled how Jones had been his teacher many centuries ago, and they had a flashback to Üterrüs’ childhood. When the young Üterrüs asked to learn about evil wizards and dark magicks, Jones reluctantly agreed that it could be useful to learn evil magic in order to guard against it. Back in the present, Üterrüs pointed out that Jones was thus responsible for sending him down the path of evil.

Francis and Kalgon confronted each other about their ambitions to become the new king. Kalgon argued that the throne was his by right of blood, while Francis insisted that it was his by decree of the monks of Kack Island. The argument went on and on, with neither one budging an inch.

The demon Prick encountered the mentally challenged King Plough wandering through the woods. Prick asked if Plough was the king, but Plough couldn’t remember. Plough showed Prick the dead cat he had found at the side of the road, and Prick suggested that they play a game of “Eat the Cat.” (Prick won.) Prick was impressed that Plough showed no fear of him, and asked Plough to be his friend. Since Prick had just eaten Plough’s only other friend, Plough agreed.

Chambliss was tending bar when Friar Kack came in, explaining that he was looking for the slayer of Schmegma the dragon. Chambliss tried to convince him that Schmegma had died of natural causes, but eventually admitted that she had killed it. As Kack prepared to take his vengeance, Tarquin rushed in to give Chambliss her cell phone. Seeing Chambliss in danger, Tarquin knocked Kack out, then chained him to the wall until they could decide what to do with him.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 6: Orcs and Knives

Episode 6: Orcs and Knives

The orc army gathered outside Ye Little Points of Five finally attacked, and King Plough and his son Kalgon were in the midst of the battle. They regrouped to the safety of a nearby arch, realizing that they must retreat and gather reinforcements. Kalgon thanked his father for having the integrity to go into battle himself and put his own life on the line. (“What kind of ruler would get into a war for economic gain and then send others to do the fighting?”) They had a moment of silence for their fallen knight Jam Master Jay.

Baron Üterrüs confronted Francis of the Rock People regarding Francis’ going back to his old job holding up the castle. Francis apologized for giving in to Kalgon’s request, and Üterrüs gladly took him back. Francis told Üterrüs about the battle, including the bizarre fact that all of the orcs and hobblegoblins just ignored him. The Baron explained that they had left him alone because Üterrüs had ordered it. He confided to Francis that he had orchestrated the attack in order to get back the alabaster sword which could restore his powers.

FRANCIS: “If you are the interior designer you are now, imagine what you could do at your full power!”

Tarquin the Gangly knocked on Chambliss Tucker’s door, and was startled by her car alarm. They talked about their recent three-way with Dewey Claw, and Tarquin assured her that he wouldn’t leave the way Dewey had. Tarquin explained his feelings for her by singing a song about the death of his dog, and how he’d never felt love so strongly until now. Chambliss reminded him that she was still married, and Tarquin was taken aback. He’d been planning to marry Chambliss and start a family, but Chambliss informed him that that boat had sailed, and those tubes had been tied.

On their way back, King Plough and Kalgon stopped in a cave for shelter, where they found Magic Jones living in exile. Since Plough fired him, Jones had been reading a book Chambliss gave him: “What Color Is Your Parachute?” Now that he was no longer employed as a wizard, he’d found a new calling…being a lifeguard! Plough and Kalgon realized that they could use someone to guard their lives on the battlefield. Plus, Jones’ annoying prattle might distract the orcs and get them to attack HIM instead.

PLOUGH: “Now we have a magic-user, a swordsman, and a thief! All we need is…”
JONES: “A battle-cry!”
PLOUGH: “I was going to say a cleric, but close enough.”

Chambliss Tucker came into Linens Und Thïngs drunk and late for work. She blamed her tardiness on Daylight Savings Time, but this concept was unfamiliar to the Baron. When he lectured her on her poor work performance, she countered that the store was losing business because of his high prices. She suggested that he could increase sales by lowering prices and advertising. Üterrüs was impressed by her business sense.

Returning to the kingdom, King Plough addressed the masses with a rousing speech about the battle with the orcs. Plough urged the people to support him in the war and in the upcoming primary election. Suddenly, Francis entered and grabbed the alabaster sword, inserting it into his stony body so that Plough couldn’t take it back. When Plough asked why, Francis pointed out that Plough hadn’t even noticed him fighting alongside him on the battlefield, whereas Baron Üterrüs had shown him gratitude.

Baron Üterrüs and Chambliss were about to leave to spread their advertising campaign when Tarquin burst in and declared his love for Chambliss. He threatened to commit suicide if Chambliss wouldn’t take him. Taking Tarquin aside, Chambliss told him that she couldn’t commit to saying she loved him, but urged him not to kill himself. She suggested that he take that anguish and rage and take it out on the orcs and goblins. Taking her advice, Tarquin walked away, chanting “Kill! Kill! Kill!”

Magic Jones was coaching Kalgon in the ways of war. Kalgon confessed that this was the first time he’d come face to face with his own mortality, and that he was terrified. Jones reassured him that everybody had their own personal afterlife waiting for him. Kalgon replied that he was an atheist, which meant that his afterlife would be nothingness. Jones agreed to guard Kalgon’s life so that he could reconsider his spiritual beliefs. Kalgon accidentally hit himself in the head with his sword, and Jones did his duty by healing him.

Baron Üterrüs was alone in the store when Francis burst through the wall a la Kool-Aid Man. Francis had come to return the alabaster sword, so that Üterrüs could regain his powers and become the greatest interior designer of all time. The Baron replied that he would not only be an interior designer, but an exterior designer as well…he would not only arrange people’s furniture, he would arrange their lives and thoughts as well. Üterrüs laughed maniacally.

King Plough asked Magic Jones to make him proficient with a new weapon now that the alabaster sword had been stolen once again. Jones cast a spell on his lifeguard’s whistle, then told Plough that, by blowing the whistle, he could freeze the orcs in their tracks for a brief period.

Tarquin went to Kalgon and asked to enlist in the army. Tarquin had replaced his bow with a couple of Molly hatchets so that the battle would be a more visceral, hands-on experience. Kalgon recognized Tarquin’s newfound bloodlust as the rage that only comes from a broken heart.

Chambliss Tucker worked the crowed and sang the new jingle for Linens Und Thïngs.

On the battlefield, Tarquin and Kalgon faced off against an unstoppable orc. Suddenly, King Plough entered the fray and blew his enchanted whistle. The orc froze in place, but Plough congratulated himself a little too long, allowing the orc to recover and whack him on the head. As the King fell, Tarquin’s ox Thacko managed to slay the orc by goring it. Kalgon knelt beside his father, who told him that he would have to take the crown. Kalgon protested that he was too weak to handle the responsibilities of being King, but Plough told him that he could take on his strength by taking his mustache. Kalgon pled with his father not to die; Plough replied that the only thing that could save him was the alabaster sword, but it was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Francis rushed in with the sword. But would Plough reach it in time?

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 5: King for a Day

Episode 5: King for a Day

At Linens Und Thïngs, Baron Üterrüs greeted a mysterious new customer…the half-man/half-cheetah Dewey Edward Claw III, who had come in search of knowledge.

DEWEY: “I would like to take in all your small town has to offer in the way of art and culture.”
ÜTERRÜS: “You’re done.”

Francis of the Rock People paid a visit to Gatormaid’s nest, and told her about his new job, working for Baron Üterrüs as an interior decorator. She asked him for some advice, and he suggested that she get rid of all the leaves. When she pointed out that the nest was MADE of leaves, Francis got very snotty, then apologized. He explained that the attitude came with the job. Gatormaid understood, since her own meanness is part of her alligator nature. Neither of them had anything more to say, so Francis left.

Having stolen the alabaster sword back from Üterrüs, Kalgon brought it to King Plough. However, rather than simply handing it over, Kalgon attempted to make a bargain for it. Kalgon wanted a taste of power, but Plough decided to teach him a lesson by giving him more than he bargained for…sentencing him to be king for 24 hours. The crown weighed heavy on Kalgon’s head.

Tarquin the Gangly climbed down from his treehouse to visit Chambliss Tucker, whose Lincoln Navigator was now embedded in the tree that had grown around it. She offered him a Capri Sun (“It’s like nectar…with more sugar!”) and showed him photos of her husband and children. Tarquin told her a little bit about the elfin way of life, then sang a ballad to seduce her.

King Kalgon attempted to persuade Francis to return to his job holding up the castle. When Francis explained about his new job and responsibilities, Kalgon started whining about the responsibilities he’d been saddled with. Francis finally agreed to come back. Rather than being pleased, Kalgon was now tortured by the guilt of having forced Francis to give up his dream.

Baron Üterrüs was foraging in the forest for rare pigments, when he ran into Gatormaid. He told her that he knew what it was like to be caught between two worlds, never to know love. He offered to help her, in exchange for an unspecified future favor. She agreed.

Chambliss Tucker and Tarquin were on the verge of a kiss when Dewey Claw walked by. Seizing the opportunity to discourage Tarquin’s affections, Chambliss invited Dewey in. Dewey noticed that Tarquin was trying too hard to seduce Chambliss, and offered him some romantic advice.

DEWEY: “You must do three things. One, look into her eyes. Two, show her your soul. Three, lie.”

Taking him literally, Tarquin called forth his soul and showed it to Chambliss.

Some time later, Chambliss wrote in her diary: “Dear Diary, I just had sex with an elf and a cheetah. Now, I just have to have sex with a baron, a king, and a thief. Till then…”

Citizen Plough was enjoying his newfound freedom when he came across Francis holding up the castle wall. Plough urged Francis to ditch his responsibilities, just as Plough had. They had a montage of irresponsible fun. However, Francis could easily see through Plough’s carefree exterior and saw the mid-life crisis brewing inside him. Francis saw that Plough truly wanted to reclaim his crown and protect the kingdom, but was being held back by his pride. Plough insisted on an apology from Kalgon.

King Kalgon was languishing in despair when Dewey Claw entered and offered to help take the weight off his head. Deeply comforted, Kalgon reminisced about a cat he once owned…a cat who was cursed by an evil sorcerer and transformed into a highbrow. Kalgon remembered how he and his cultural cat would sneak into plays and sometimes throw up in the back row. Dewey revealed that he was that same cat.

Tarquin and Gatormaid discussed the quandaries of love; Gatormaid lamented her loveless existence while Tarquin bragged about his liaison with Chambliss. Gatormaid replied that she’d had her share of mindless sex, but had learned that there’s no satisfaction without genuine love. Tarquin told her that she might just find true love with another kindred spirit. He started telling her about Dewey Claw, and Gatormaid noticed that Tarquin was just a little too enthusiastic in his praise. (“You really are part fairy, aren’t you?”)

Baron Üterrüs was tending his shop when Chambliss came in late for work. The Baron lectured her on her tardiness, particularly since she has so few responsibilities to begin with. Suddenly, he noticed the glow about her, and the familiar scent of passion. Chambliss confessed that he’d just had sex with Tarquin and then Dewey. She started to go into detail, but Üterrüs couldn’t bear to hear it (“Every word is like an alabaster shaft up my rectum!”). Üterrüs broke down and declared his love for her.

Gatormaid was moping along the street when Dewey Claw sauntered up cheerfully. They recognized each other as fellow human/animal hybrids. Gatormaid was overjoyed to meet another of her kind, not to mention being impressed by Dewey’s good manners. Dewey offered to teach her etiquette, and she was eager to learn. Dewey bade her farewell by licking his fingers and making a suggestive gesture.

Citizen Plough was gambling with some street urchins when King Kalgon approached. Kalgon wanted to be released from his burden, but Plough demanded an apology. Kalgon finally relented, and Plough lifted the crown from his brow.

PLOUGH: “Rise, my son. And when I say ‘rise, my son,’ I mean it in the most literal sense.”

King Plough revealed that he had an affair with Kalgon’s mother many years ago, and that Kalgon was indeed his son. This day had been a test, for one day Kalgon truly would be king. Kalgon was terrified by this revelation.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 4: Double-Dates and Double-Crosses

Episode 4: Double-Dates and Double-Crosses

King Plough returned from his visit to Queen Franklin of Atlantia, bringing back with him an exotic brew known as “Bud Light.” Magic Jones reluctantly informed the king that Kalgon had sold his throne and sword in a yard sale. The king was not pleased.

Francis of the Rock People apologized to Gatormaid for the destruction he brought to the forest, but she barely reacted. She explained that she was trying to suppress her gator temper and be more womanly, since Friar Kack had taken the magic emerald back to his monastery, dashing her hopes of becoming a complete alligator. Francis urged her to embrace her true nature, or at least her current one. He suggested that she indulge both her feminine and her reptilian desires; for example, having sex with a guy and then eating him.

Baron Üterrüs had brought King Plough’s throne to Tarquin’s treehouse as the first step in his redecorating scheme. The Baron told Tarquin about a wondrous invention he had devised, which he called “drywall.” However, Tarquin was thinking of forming natural walls by planting the magical seeds he had obtained, growing new trees around his house. Üterrüs was sickened by the elf’s devotion to nature, but agreed to Tarquin’s suggestion, as long as Üterrüs could install a touch of his own…wainscotting.

Kalgon snuck into Linens Und Thïngs and asked Chambliss to return the throne and sword. Chambliss was very happy with her purchase, and didn’t want her money back. Kalgon demanded to speak with her manager, and Baron Üterrüs emerged from behind the counter in a puff of smoke. Kalgon demanded the sword and the throne, threatening to use his “influence with the shadows.” Kalgon tried to punctuate his threat by smashing a vase, but it didn’t break.

Francis went to King Plough to request a vacation from his job holding up the castle, explaining that he now had additional responsibilities as the leader of Friar Kack’s order of monks. King Plough was intrigued by this revelation, and asked Francis to summon the monks. Unfortunately, being very dim, Francis had forgotten the mystic phrase to call them. The King refused to give Francis time off without proof of his new position. In response, Francis quit.

Magic Jones visited Gatormaid with a surprise…he had finally designed a chair especially for her unique anatomy. Gatormaid tried out the chair, and was amazed.

GATORMAID: “I’m sitting! I’m in great comfort! I’m…moving backwards? Is that supposed to happen?”

Looking behind her, she discovered that she was moving because Kalgon was trying to steal the chair out from under her, to use as a substitute for King Plough’s missing throne. Kalgon lamented that he was a failure both as a reformed man and as a thief. Jones and Gatormaid cheered him up with a game of crazyball.

Tarquin the Gangly planted his magic seeds around Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator (which he still believed to be the skeleton of a dragon), praying to Gaea and Queen Titania to replenish the forest. His prayers woke up Chambliss, who came out of the car to say hello. As Tarquin explained what he was doing, several trees instantly grew around the car, blocking Chambliss from re-entering.

Kalgon confessed his crimes to King Plough, who angrily poked the thief with his substitute sword (which was too blunt and weak to do any damage). Kalgon realized that, by stealing the only effective weapon in the castle, he had left the entire kingdom defenseless. King Plough confirmed that “We are at the mercy of the dwarves, the elves, the trolls, and the smurfs!” It was only Plough’s reputation as a great warrior that held his enemies at bay; by disarming the king, Kalgon had exposed the kingdom’s weakness. However, King Plough was not angry, because “a man must fail before he succeeds.” He then ordered Kalgon to succeed in getting his stuff back.

Francis went to Linens Und Thïngs in search of a new job. Baron Üterrüs granted him a job interview, posing a very difficult decorating problem. Much to his surprise, Francis came up with a creative and intelligent solution (involving a trompe l’oeil painting). The Baron was amazed by Francis’ talent, and accepted him as his ally, his “third.” Üterrüs laughed maniacally, and Francis joined in (even though he didn’t get it).

Chambliss Tucker gave Gatormaid a makeover for her upcoming date, dressing her up in a beret and a feather boa. (“Now you look all Parisian and drunk!”) Gatormaid enthusiastically explained her plans for the evening (“I’m gonna fuck him, and then I’m gonna eat him!”). Chambliss gave Gatormaid a congratulatory smack on the arm.

Magic Jones was using his powers to hold up the castle in Francis’ absence. Francis came back to pick up some of his things, and told Jones about his new job with Baron Üterrüs. Jones was dismayed to realized that Francis had become Üterrüs’s “third.” Francis still couldn’t figure out what this meant. Jones explained that if Baron Üterrüs gathered “the four,” the entire kingdom would become one big barren uterus (“Just say his name and take out the umlauts!”). Francis refused to believe him, since Üterrüs had shown Francis the respect and appreciation that Plough and Jones never had.

At Tarquin’s treehouse, Baron Üterrüs objected to the chaotic, uncontrolled nature of the regrown forest. Tarquin admitted that there was something to be said for order. The Baron explained Tarquin’s un-elflike desire for dullness by telling him a “fable.” Many centuries ago, Üterrüs explained, a powerful wizard met an elfin woman, and they shared a love forbidden between humans and elves. The woman had a child, whose halfling nature she had to conceal. As the Baron related this “legend,” Kalgon snuck up behind him to take back King Plough’s sword.

King Plough was getting ready for his dates with Gatormaid and Chambliss Tucker, who were waiting simultaneously in two separate rooms in the castle. Plough asked Magic Jones to help him carry out this deception by taking his place with each woman whenever he was with the other. Wacky hijinks ensued as the king and the wizard raced back and forth between the two rooms. Eventually, the truth emerged. As Gatormaid and Chambliss stormed off in a huff, King Plough warned Jones that he had screwed up for the last time.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 6, Episode 3: The Friar This Time

Episode 3: The Friar This Time

Gatormaid was walking through the forest when the enigmatic Friar Kack arrived. He explained that he had been sent by his order to contact their master, Schmegma the Dragon. At the mention of Schmegma’s name, Gatormaid got carried away with emotion as she spoke of her connection with the dragon. Friar Kack gave her some wine to calm her down…a lot of wine, actually.

King Plough was away from the kingdom (either visiting Queen Franklin of Atlantia, or recovering from injuries sustained during his date with Gatormaid, depending on whom you believe). In his absence, Magic Jones was in charge of Castle Post. The wizard discovered Kalgon dragging the king’s throne outside the castle. Kalgon explained that, as the newly-appointed Knight Butler, he was cleaning up the castle by holding a yard sale. Magic Jones expressed his disapproval, and the two of them engaged in a brief swordfight.

Baron Üterrüs came to redecorate Tarquin’s treehouse. Tarquin received him as hospitably as possible, despite the fact that Tarquin was coming down with the Black Plague. The Baron examined Tarquin and informed him that he was ill because Francis was cursed to see his friends die around him; Tarquin was suffering from a second-hand curse. Tarquin urged the Baron to help him lift the curse, but Üterrüs replied that he was only hired as a decorator, not as a sorceror. When Tarquin learned that Kalgon was in Üterrüs’ debt for his services, Tarquin resolved to indebt himself to Kalgon.

In boulder form, Francis of the Rock People rolled up to Chambliss Tucker’s Lincoln Navigator. He told her about Tarquin’s illness, and she searched through the immense car until she found her first-aid kit. They sang a happy little jingle about first aid.

Friar Kack visited Kalgon’s yard sale in search of information. Kalgon informed Kack that Schegma had been slain by a woman from another age. Stunned by this revelation, Kack announced that his brethren would soon arrive for vengeance.

Running to spread the warning about the invading monks, Magic Jones ran into Francis. Discovering that Francis’ presence made him sneeze, Jones offered to prepare a salve (pronounced “saaaaaaalve”) to alleviate the curse. Then Jones remembered what he was doing, and warned Francis about the friars. After a very confused conversation, Magic suggested that Francis use his boulder form to roll over the friars when they arrive.

Chambliss Tucker arrived at the castle just as Kalgon was shutting down the yard sale. Kalgon insisted that the sale was over, but she finally pressured him into selling King Plough’s throne. When Kalgon quoted her a price of 10,000 gold pieces, she offered him some “treasures” from her era instead (baby powder, an asthma inhaler, etc.). When Kalgon learned that she had been sent by Baron Üterrüs, he offered to sell her the King’s sword cheap, and throw in the throne for free.

Having been told to kill the friars, Francis consulted Baron Üterrüs for advice on how to kill. The Baron noticed the emerald embedded in Francis’ fist, and they discussed the curse. Üterrüs agreed to help Francis, since Francis had done him a favor. Francis didn’t remember helping the Baron, so the Baron reminded him that two months ago, Francis was tunneling through the earth and came across a large rune-covered box, slightly larger than the Baron himself. Francis smashed through the box and went on his way, and now Üterrüs owed Francis a debt. To repay him, the Baron told Francis that he could remove the gem and lift the curse by sacrificing a life.

Gatormaid and Tarquin were preparing for the friars’ arrival and discussing Francis’ curse. Tarquin believed that the emerald could only be removed by the Queen of England, but that was probably just the plague talking.

Magic Jones met Friar Kack, informing the monk that he knew about Kack’s quest for vengeance. Jones warned the friar that he wouldn’t let Kack harm Chambliss Tucker (inadvertently revealing to Kack just who his target was). They engaged in a battle of magic, with Jones casting a spell of brain-freeze upon Kack, while Kack cast a spell of incontinence upon Jones. They realized that they were at a stand-off, so Jones made an insincere offer to lead Kack to Chambliss.

Chambliss Tucker brought King Plough’s sword to Linens Und Thïngs, where Baron Üterrüs collapsed at the sight of it. He urged her to take the sword far away, explaining that it was his weakness. Chambliss compared it to her weakness for Butterfingers, and how she faced her weakness and built up her willpower by holding the candy bar and resisting its power. She handed the sword to Üterrüs.

ÜTERRÜS: “IT BURNS! It Burns!…But now it burns a little less.”

Tarquin and Gatormaid ran into Kalgon, who was carrying his profits from the yard sale. He showed them the money that he had earned “legitimately,” and offered to share it with them. Tarquin told Kalgon that he was dying of the plague, and that his dying wish was for them to use the emerald’s power to protect the forest and undo its destruction. Kalgon realized that the emerald only had enough power to restore either the forest or Gatormaid, but not both.

Magic Jones led Friar Kack to the forest, where Francis was pretending to be Chambliss. Kack saw the enchanted emerald on Francis’ fist, and dropped to his knees in fealty. Francis dropped the ruse, since it hadn’t worked anyway. Friar Kack explained that, as Francis bore the Eye of Püff DeMagik, the dragon, Kack’s order owed Francis their obedience. Francis ordered Kack not to seek vengeance against Chambliss. Kack was torn between the two imperatives, but agreed to do as Francis said. Francis realized that, unlike Baron Üterrüs, Friar Kack had great goodness and honor in him, and that the friar could lift the curse without a blood sacrifice. Friar Kack removed the gem from Francis’ hand, freeing him from the curse. The monk told Francis that he could call on Kack’s brethren anytime by uttering the mystic phrase “Get on down here now!”

Resisting the pain of holding the sword, Baron Üterrüs plotted to summon a demon to restore his undead soul, which was stolen when the sword pierced his nether regions so many centuries ago.

TO BE CONTINUED…