Episode 6: Wango Ze Tango
Bixie Biederback was in her office when Ted Nugent came in through the window, answering her call to guest-star on her show. The Nuge would be leading the housemates into the woods for an outdoor challenge this week. Since his own reality show was on hiatus, he was happy to help out. They reminisced about skipping class together in high school, which started Bixie down the road of drug abuse.
In the secret Illuminati headquarters, Rory Manchester had just initiated Eric von Landingham as his protégé. Rory warned Eric that they would soon face one of the 17 heroes fighting the Illuminati…namely, Ted Nugent.
In preparation for the outing, Dorothy was teaching Poncey Highland how to survive in the woods with only a bucket and broom. Poncey had a flashback to his days as a cub scout, trying for a “bucket badge” before discovering that there was no such thing. The memory of the humiliation snapped him back to the present and caused him to sing about his determination to be the best Poncey he could be (and get a sugar-daddy to take care of him).
Lance Belligui and Miller were carpooling to the woods. When Lance asked if Miller had any experience with the wilderness, Miller complained that it was just a stereotype that pot smokers are nature-loving hippies. In face, Miller hates the outdoors. Lance replied that he didn’t want to take part in this trip either, but had to do what the network says. Miller suggested that he use the trip to get lost and escape the network’s grasp.
As Ted Nugent showed Dorothy how to make a bear trap, they bonded over having something in common: Neither of them had bathed in 14 years. The Nuge explained that the shampoo industry was a big conspiracy to sell something people don’t actually need.
In the woods, Rory showed Poncey his automatic tent, demonstrating that it comes with a ready-made rave, complete with a hot tub, four young men, and an automatic Jesus. Rory explained that they would need to work together when Ted Nugent issues the challenge, and he was giving this to Poncey in exchange for his allegiance.
Eric drove Bixie out to the woods. As she got out to stretch and smell the fresh air, Eric suddenly drove off and abandoned her.
Lance and Miller’s Fiat had broken down in the woods. As the “Dueling Banjos” music filled the air, Miller began panicking that the “Deliverance” treatment was in store for them. Lance prayed that his Burt Reynolds mustache would protect him.
Meanwhile, all the non-stranded housemates were gathered by the campfire, waiting for Ted Nugent to issue the challenge. He announced that the prize would be a night at Nugent Inn, a Cadillac, and 18 million Nugent Bucks (redeemable at Texaco). Just then, Miller and Lance were dropped off by a helpful hillbilly in a pickup truck. Now that all the contestants were gathered, the Nuge divided them into two teams. The teams were to climb Mt. Nugent, avoid Kalamazoo the bear, retrieve the flag, then return and give Nugent a high-five. To make it even more exciting, the Nuge will be hunting the teams with a bow and arrow all the while.
Alone in the woods, the delirious Bixie was talking to her newfound weasel friend Julie Andrews. Bixie heard Julie’s voice offering herself as food so that Bixie could survive. As Bixie snapped the weasel’s neck, she heard the same voice saying “I didn’t mean it!”
As they made their way up the mountain, Dorothy told Poncey that she could scale the mountain with her retractable claws. (“I knew it! The homeless are evolving into superhumans!”) Just then, Ted Nugent ambushed them and fired an arrow.
Meanwhile, Bixie heard the voice of Frank Sinatra urging her to get the gold nugget from Ted Nugent’s sack. Inspired by her father figure, Bixie enthusiastically agreed, but then collapsed and began shivering.
Miller was gathering berries and putting them in a bong when his foot got caught in a bear trap. The Nuge ran in and threatened to filet Miller. (“Wait, you’ll fellate me?”) In the nick of time, Rory arrived and freed Miller from the trap. Nugent recognized Rory as his former road manager, and they faced off. Nugent used his nature skills to summon Kalamazoo the bear, but the bear proved to be pretty darn useless as Rory immediately snapped her neck.
Dorothy and Lance had found a babbling brook to get fresh water. With the stress of the situation taking its toll on their already-strained relationship, they began bickering. Lance pointed out that the brook wouldn’t do her any good, since he was the one who had something to carry the water. The babbling brook told Dorothy to use her hat. She dipped her hat into the brook, and when she pulled it out, it magically held 18 gallons, plus 40 loaves and fishes.
The feral Bixie was wandering in the woods when Eric found her. He noticed that she had fashioned a shank from a weasel bone. Bixie pointed out a squirrel behind Eric, and he asked if she was going to stab him once he turned around. She assured him she wouldn’t, then stabbed him anyway. Frank Sinatra’s voice told her to cut off Eric’s ear and wear it as a trophy.
Poncey stumbled across the unconscious Ted Nugent, who woke up as soon as his name was spoken. The Nuge warned Poncey that Rory was part of the Illuminati, and was two steps away from being the eye on the pyramid. To defeat him, they had to make a sacrifice by dropping a virgin bear into the volcano on Mt. Nugent.
Rory and Miller were riding Rory’s robotic camel through the woods, wondering whether to go back and save Eric or go forward and win the challenge. Without any hesitation, they decided to win. Eric staggered towards them with his ear bandaged, and Miller kicked him away. Rory told Miller that the journey to Mt. Nugent would be like living through “Lord of the Rings” (“I’ll be your Frodo if you’ll be my Sam.”). Miller picked Rory up and began carrying him.
Dragging Kalamazoo the bear up to the mountain, Ted Nugent warned the teammates that Rory had used the show to hypnotize the viewers, who would be set off when Rory utters the trigger-word “Applesauce.” Despite the distracting arrivals of Bixie and Eric, they managed to drop the bear into the volcano with only seconds to spare. As they celebrated their victory, Poncey accidentally fell off the mountain ledge.
Rory and Miller were trying to get their robot camel out of the mud when Poncey came tumbling down the mountain. When Poncey boasted that they’d defeated Rory, Rory exclaimed that the sacrifice was actually a ritual to open the gates of Hell. Ted Nugent had lied to them all. The Nuge came down to gloat about his victory, and a fight broke out. By the end of the struggle, Miller had ripped off Ted Nugent’s hair, signifying that Miller, as the holder of the Golden Fleece, was the Chosen One.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Showing posts with label ted nugent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ted nugent. Show all posts
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Season 12, Episode 4: Homeland Insecurity
Episode 4: Homeland Insecurity
After the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy, the investigation was being incorporated into the show. Cameraman Lance Belligui introduced the housemates to Homeland Security Agent John Denver (no relation). Denver assured everybody that, before the end of the night, he would find the killer…or at least someone he could claim was the killer.
Denver began by questioning Poncey Highland while Poncey showed him around Chrysanthemum’s room. Poncey was convinced that it was a hate crime, since she’d been killed moments after declaring her love for Dorothy. Poncey suspected Eric von Landingham, since he’d noticed some unstable behavior from Eric ever since their liaison two weeks ago.
At the bar, Dorothy was still reeling from the shock of her new best friend dying in her arms. Eric suggested that she forget her sorrows by coming to see his band “Fucked at Birth” at their upcoming gig.
Miller was getting high up on the roof when Lance came up for some fresh air. Lance noticed the unusual pipe Miller was smoking from, and asked to try it. As Lance smoked, Miller picked up Lance’s camera and asked him what he really thought about everyone at the Scandal house. His inhibitions lost, Lance called them all assholes.
Rory Manchester was relaxing when boy-band star Chip Blingo came by. Chip explained that he had been thrown out of his own neighboring reality show, and needed another chance to prove himself. Rory said that Chip’s vocal talents (and self-generating background music) were just what he needed to cheer up, since a woman he cared for had just died of a spontaneous neck-break. (Rory neglected to mention that he was the one who “spontaneously” broke it.)
Agent Denver was interviewing Dorothy by the garbage cans. She was certain that Rory was the killer, and suggested that they give him a taste of some street justice by cutting off his feet and wrapping him in seaweed. (“He’ll tell you everything…and then bleed to death.”)
While grocery shopping, Poncey confronted Eric about his strange behavior. Eric confessed that he did have a guilty conscience…not over murder, but because he’d never told his mother than he loved her. Poncey comforted him by offering to role-play Eric’s mother. Eric asked Poncey to pull on his nipples to make the impersonation more convincing.
Chip Blingo was moving in when Miller entered. Recognizing Chip (after initially mistaking him for a troll doll), Miller proclaimed that he’d sold more weed at Chip’s last concert than in the rest of the year combined.
Rory was doing the show’s confession-booth segment when he noticed that Lance was trying to film him with a bong instead of a camera. The wasted Lance gloated that he knew Rory had killed Chrysanthemum, and he had the proof on film. Where Rory asked where this proof was, Lance realized that Miller had it now. Rory insinuated that Lance was making unfounded accusations to draw suspicion away from himself. Before long, Lance was convinced of his own guilt.
Chip was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came by. Recognizing Chip, she began singing one of his songs. Chip told Dorothy that his last reality show was filled with ruthless competition, and he was amazed by how friendly everyone was here. Dorothy agreed that it was great, except for people getting murdered.
Miller was filming Poncey in the kitchen, childishly trying to goad Poncey into making a “tossed salad” reference. When Poncey noticed that Miller had Lance’s camera, Miller explained that he’d gotten hold of it while Lance was hitting the bong. (“He thought it was tobacco product, like they make you say when you buy it.”) Now that he had the camera and access to the editing room, Miller suggested that they give the footage some tweaking.
After drummer Eric von Landingham gave his bandmates a pep talk, “Fucked at Birth” began their hard-rockin’ concert.
Even down in the basement, Agent Denver and Lance were stunned by the loudness and rage of the music. Denver confided that he had found three particularly suspicious characters in his investigation. (“Rory may be a killer, Poncey may be gay, and Chip may be ethnic.”) Denver said that he might have to resort to extreme interrogation tactics. Lance offered to get the seaweed.
Rory went to the Hello Pizza Kitty to see Miller about Lance’s film. He convinced Miller that he was in trouble for editing the tapes, and persuaded him to hand over the camera.
Dorothy was hanging out her laundry on the roof when Poncey came by to voice his concerns about the investigation. After hearing Eric’s angry, death-obsessed music, he was more convinced than ever that Eric was the killer. Dorothy deduced that Poncey was just upset because Eric had rejected him after their initial make-out session.
Eric was in the bar when Agent Denver entered, looking for Chip Blingo. Disdainful of authority, Eric refused to cooperate. Denver warned him that he could put away Eric and his entire band. (“Let me explain how Homeland Security works. You’re ALREADY in trouble.”) Eric caved in and directed Denver to Chip’s room.
Two seconds later, Denver broke down the door to Chip’s room. After Denver ordered him to get down on the floor, Chip retorted that no matter how Denver hurts him, it would only make his music stronger. Denver responded by cutting off Chip’s feet.
Rory called everyone (even the footless Chip) together to announce the solution to Chrysanthemum’s murder. Explaining that the key to the mystery was the fact that all the different reality shows are filmed in this same neighborhood, Rory began the slow-motion playback of the (secretly edited) video footage. The footage showed Chip Blingo and Ted Nugent running in, singing a Satanic song while dancing around Chrysanthemum, and snapping her neck to seal the pact…all too fast for the human eye to see. Denver took the mortally-wounded Chip into custody. Now that the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy was solved, Agent Denver set out to solve the rest of the Kennedy murders. Rory saved time by revealing them all: John F. Kennedy was killed by Ving Rhames, Bobby by Yahoo Serious, and Ted Kennedy will be killed by Agent Denver himself. With this revelation, Rory snapped Denver’s neck. Dorothy, shocked by the carnage and craziness, began crying hysterically, longing for her old home behind the dumpster at Wendy’s.
TO BE CONTINUED…
After the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy, the investigation was being incorporated into the show. Cameraman Lance Belligui introduced the housemates to Homeland Security Agent John Denver (no relation). Denver assured everybody that, before the end of the night, he would find the killer…or at least someone he could claim was the killer.
Denver began by questioning Poncey Highland while Poncey showed him around Chrysanthemum’s room. Poncey was convinced that it was a hate crime, since she’d been killed moments after declaring her love for Dorothy. Poncey suspected Eric von Landingham, since he’d noticed some unstable behavior from Eric ever since their liaison two weeks ago.
At the bar, Dorothy was still reeling from the shock of her new best friend dying in her arms. Eric suggested that she forget her sorrows by coming to see his band “Fucked at Birth” at their upcoming gig.
Miller was getting high up on the roof when Lance came up for some fresh air. Lance noticed the unusual pipe Miller was smoking from, and asked to try it. As Lance smoked, Miller picked up Lance’s camera and asked him what he really thought about everyone at the Scandal house. His inhibitions lost, Lance called them all assholes.
Rory Manchester was relaxing when boy-band star Chip Blingo came by. Chip explained that he had been thrown out of his own neighboring reality show, and needed another chance to prove himself. Rory said that Chip’s vocal talents (and self-generating background music) were just what he needed to cheer up, since a woman he cared for had just died of a spontaneous neck-break. (Rory neglected to mention that he was the one who “spontaneously” broke it.)
Agent Denver was interviewing Dorothy by the garbage cans. She was certain that Rory was the killer, and suggested that they give him a taste of some street justice by cutting off his feet and wrapping him in seaweed. (“He’ll tell you everything…and then bleed to death.”)
While grocery shopping, Poncey confronted Eric about his strange behavior. Eric confessed that he did have a guilty conscience…not over murder, but because he’d never told his mother than he loved her. Poncey comforted him by offering to role-play Eric’s mother. Eric asked Poncey to pull on his nipples to make the impersonation more convincing.
Chip Blingo was moving in when Miller entered. Recognizing Chip (after initially mistaking him for a troll doll), Miller proclaimed that he’d sold more weed at Chip’s last concert than in the rest of the year combined.
Rory was doing the show’s confession-booth segment when he noticed that Lance was trying to film him with a bong instead of a camera. The wasted Lance gloated that he knew Rory had killed Chrysanthemum, and he had the proof on film. Where Rory asked where this proof was, Lance realized that Miller had it now. Rory insinuated that Lance was making unfounded accusations to draw suspicion away from himself. Before long, Lance was convinced of his own guilt.
Chip was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came by. Recognizing Chip, she began singing one of his songs. Chip told Dorothy that his last reality show was filled with ruthless competition, and he was amazed by how friendly everyone was here. Dorothy agreed that it was great, except for people getting murdered.
Miller was filming Poncey in the kitchen, childishly trying to goad Poncey into making a “tossed salad” reference. When Poncey noticed that Miller had Lance’s camera, Miller explained that he’d gotten hold of it while Lance was hitting the bong. (“He thought it was tobacco product, like they make you say when you buy it.”) Now that he had the camera and access to the editing room, Miller suggested that they give the footage some tweaking.
After drummer Eric von Landingham gave his bandmates a pep talk, “Fucked at Birth” began their hard-rockin’ concert.
Even down in the basement, Agent Denver and Lance were stunned by the loudness and rage of the music. Denver confided that he had found three particularly suspicious characters in his investigation. (“Rory may be a killer, Poncey may be gay, and Chip may be ethnic.”) Denver said that he might have to resort to extreme interrogation tactics. Lance offered to get the seaweed.
Rory went to the Hello Pizza Kitty to see Miller about Lance’s film. He convinced Miller that he was in trouble for editing the tapes, and persuaded him to hand over the camera.
Dorothy was hanging out her laundry on the roof when Poncey came by to voice his concerns about the investigation. After hearing Eric’s angry, death-obsessed music, he was more convinced than ever that Eric was the killer. Dorothy deduced that Poncey was just upset because Eric had rejected him after their initial make-out session.
Eric was in the bar when Agent Denver entered, looking for Chip Blingo. Disdainful of authority, Eric refused to cooperate. Denver warned him that he could put away Eric and his entire band. (“Let me explain how Homeland Security works. You’re ALREADY in trouble.”) Eric caved in and directed Denver to Chip’s room.
Two seconds later, Denver broke down the door to Chip’s room. After Denver ordered him to get down on the floor, Chip retorted that no matter how Denver hurts him, it would only make his music stronger. Denver responded by cutting off Chip’s feet.
Rory called everyone (even the footless Chip) together to announce the solution to Chrysanthemum’s murder. Explaining that the key to the mystery was the fact that all the different reality shows are filmed in this same neighborhood, Rory began the slow-motion playback of the (secretly edited) video footage. The footage showed Chip Blingo and Ted Nugent running in, singing a Satanic song while dancing around Chrysanthemum, and snapping her neck to seal the pact…all too fast for the human eye to see. Denver took the mortally-wounded Chip into custody. Now that the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy was solved, Agent Denver set out to solve the rest of the Kennedy murders. Rory saved time by revealing them all: John F. Kennedy was killed by Ving Rhames, Bobby by Yahoo Serious, and Ted Kennedy will be killed by Agent Denver himself. With this revelation, Rory snapped Denver’s neck. Dorothy, shocked by the carnage and craziness, began crying hysterically, longing for her old home behind the dumpster at Wendy’s.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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